The unification of man

Self-forgiveness: time, fear

2012-01-20T23:00:00.002+01:00

Self-forgiveness: time, fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that time is what is against me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away into the definition of time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must hurry and rush in order to having enough time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my time is running out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time is something what I can beat with sleeping less even less than my body requires to rejuvenate daily.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to introduce habits within my life because of fearing that I do not have enough time for instance while eating alone watching videos/films.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not breath here as myself as presence - I am running out of time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I feel that I do not have enough time or I have to hurry, then I am becoming frustrated and irritated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and irritated when I feel like I have not enough time for what I want to do.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I obsess myself with that what I want to do instead of doing it - I am unnecessary stressing myself with fearing from what is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I accept fear within me to not needing to deal with it and in fact not needing to face the fact that I accept myself living in fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself living in fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I accepted myself to live in constant fear instead of stop participate within such inner-pattern.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing from not having enough time in fact I fear from not expressing myself in the moment beacuse experiencing that I am constantly suppressing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order to not needing to realize that I live in constant fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to face the fact that I accept my life as constant fear.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize in every moment that if I do participate within the mind such as thoughts, feelings, emotions - then I am in fear and using the mind to suppress that within me to not wanting to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to became.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself because I do fear from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself because in fact I do not know myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the unknown.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from undefined because defining the undefined as unknown and defining myself as somebody who is fearing from unknown instead of letting go any definition and breath through fear and push self as physical presence.

When I realize I am rushing, I stop, I realize I fear from not having enough time - I breathe, I realize what is here without any Self-definition and I direct.
When I experience inner dialogue, backchat - I stop, I breathe, I realize for a moment I was lost, but I am here now - I look at the inner reaction as the reflection of what I accepted within and as me and I take full Self-responsibility and I apply Self-forgiveness and I change: I stop accepting thought-based patterns and I breath myself through breath by breath disregarding inner reactions and regard physical presence within common sense.
When I feel like I do not have enough time - I stop - I breathe, I realize I participate within the mind, that's why I feel like I do not have time - I re-align myself with and as my human physical body and I express myself as inner silence.
When I follow a thought to catch a next thought - I realize - I am following the white rabbit into the vortex of fear - I stop. I breathe and I embrace myself and I bring the core of the thought-pattern here - I direct myself to see within me what is causing me to trust within thoughts instead of trusting myself really here and I apply Self-forgiveness unconditionally.
When I feel like I am in stress, frustration, nervousness - I realize - I participate within the mind - I stop everything for a moment, I re-align myself physically here and letting go everything and what remains is me as the physical.
When I accept thoughts and I separate myself from experiencing my reality directly - I realize I've given into fear and I stop - I breathe and I let the point of the thoughts go.
If something is bugging me within timeloops - I realize I must sort this out and I take self-direction and I 'take time' for writing it out and seeing what is within me without any judgment and then applying Self-forgiveness I decide to change and stop.
When I do not want to face something within me and I face with great resistance - I realize I fear from facing myself - what is inevitable - so I use common sense and see what is supporting me really within my process of Self-forgiveness and then apply it.
When I feel like I am confused, when I feel I am unsure, I have doubts - I stop - I realize because I trusted in thoughts and feelings and emotions what are constantly coming and going in and out and within that I would never find stability so I let all go.
When I feel like something is bad for me yet I am doing nothing to stop it - I realize I've given into fear and I am suppressing myself as who I really am and I do stop and I do not give into the temptation of thinking justifications and excuses to overbalance my inner energetic reactions in order to get a momentary 'peace' within my mind.
When I even hear within my voice that I am charging emotionally - I stop, I breathe, I remain inner silent and re-aligny myself here and continue participate with the consideration of 'what is best for all'.
When I experience energetically I am charging up as experiencing emotions, feelings - when these moods 'trip' me or making me 'high' or 'down' - I realize I've accepted my starting point within and as the mind and it is not real - and in fact if I do participate within such Self-dishonesties - in fact I am not real - so I let everything go what is not physical and I direct myself to act within the starting point of 'what is best for all'.

EMS: Group of Equals: perspective on feeding a poor nazi

2012-01-01T22:40:00.004+01:00

"the practice of awareness and self-forgiveness in order capture and to evolve beyond selfishness, and to actively, effectively care with other sentients is not a form of real, gentle and tangible love?"

And equality means that i have to treat and support equally an african starving child and a poorish nazi also?

This is a group of walking equals - meaning that until one do not realize the impact and responsibility of the individual for the group and for all existence - until that one is not ready for walking as equal with the others who already realized and showing an example by living.
This is the Eye of the Needle where only those go through who can live as equals - until that the group must hold in order to protect the 'equality' of the walking individuals of the group. Unfortunately and anyway this comes down to the point of money what dictates life and death simply by the distribution of the tools for living/surviving such as food, shelter, water, health care, REAL education etc.
Then the individual must walk the process of Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness until not being nazi anymore for instance and then can be part of the group with all the 'shared' benefits - and responsibilities.
So I'd say - until one is expressing being 'nazi' - then that one is resigned from the 'rights' of the Equality Group - as it is based on the principle of Equality and Oneness, what is best for all - for instance giving food and shelter and living conditions can be great for all - but for some to want dominate according to racism is not best for all - so a nazi even the poorest can have choice to let go nazism if hungry.
Fascinating to embrace this with for instance 'starving african' kids - as they certainly require education where they can understand how they, things, the world operate - until understanding is not practical - the individual require 'facilitation' - however this means money.
But as the global current system do not 'feed' the group(or anyone) by default - the Equality group(pack of principled individuals) must find practical ways to remain, stabilize and expand(be open to be found for assistance for instance) - and (un)fortunately this comes down to the amount of money as everything has a value what is not equated by default for all.

Self-forgiveness: Agreement

2012-01-01T14:07:00.001+01:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feelings drive me instead of myself, as presence I direct me always here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if something is not comfortable, I should avoid it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define agreement as difficult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define agreement as hell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I always must walk towards difficulty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who is difficult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within an agreement I can not be myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that within agreement I must give up myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within agreement I must let go everything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am very difficult to be with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who likes to be alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within agreement I can be myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that within agreement I always must experience difficulty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that wanting to avoid something within the starting point of fear - I am responsible for attracting it into my reality as one as equal as my starting point as fear what I stop within every moment breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I am with somebody then I am within a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am in a relationship because I am with somebody instead of realizing that within agreement the starting point is self here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my agreement will not work and it will become and remain a 'relationship' what I've defined as trap.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as trap instead of realizing that relationship is a word what I give meaning by how I am living the word.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from failing within agreement because I've defined it as too intense instead of realizing that the intensity is also coming from myself, the source, here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as intense instead of realizing that the intensity is is also a word what I bring 'alive' by how I define and live physically.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I go into feelings for instance 'sadness' or 'emptyness' - I am not directing myself here but I accept myself as reality as it already manifested - instead of realizing that I am the source, I can change, I can stop participate within feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put worth and value within feelings what I've defined as energetic experiences of myself instead of realizing that feelings are energetic experiences coming from the mind what I've allowed to become physically and I must walk the process of letting go constantly breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed about how I am not stable within our agreement when allowing feelings to define how I behave instead of taking self-responsibility and facing the source which is myself and reveal the reason of such self-dishonesty and stop unconditionally to participate within feelings, thoughts, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within feelings within agreement and wanting to stop agreement to stop experiencing feelings instead of directly stop participate and generate feelings and remain here all ways as physical as breath as action as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that everything I experience is hell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and say that everything here is hell and using it as justification to actually not change in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within thinking I can think out myself from the mind so to speak instead of realizing that I do not need to exit the mind, I do not need to escape from the mind, I do not need to fight the mind - but simply stopping participate within the mind such as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define stopping the mind as good, participate within the mind as bad instead of realizing that within polarizing myself within duality - actually I am still of and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe that agreement with my partner is some form of competition wherein we must constantly strive for dominance to be able to direct the agreement as we individually imagine it to be - instead of realizing that within competition and fight - self always loses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that within agreement I always have to obey the other's requirements otherwise the agreement will fail and end.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take very seriously when within agreement I do not do something as I wanted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to be serious when I feel like I am pushed too much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself being pushed when my agreement partner asks something from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my agreement to be perfect instantly instead of realizing that this is a process being walked after the decision made for a life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be able to embrace to walk an agreement for a lifetime because I am not sure that I can bear my partner every day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if my agreement would not work and with my partner would agree on stopping the agreement - then I am failed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being responsible for screwing up the agreement because I am not changing or I am not changing fast enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can change slowly only instead of realizing that self-change is a decision what must be walked physically within consistency.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when my partner tells me or asks me something what I do not want or I do not want to hear because then I am facing with myself what I defined as I do not want to face and this friction charge my energetic mind what I've defined as myself - instead of realizing that everything what I face, especially with my partner - is in fact myself what I must embrace and realize and transform into what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my partner as very difficult person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my partner says something what I've defined as not as I've defined by myself then I get nervous instead of realizing that I am responsible for what I've defined as myself and in fact I can STOP participate within any self-definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious when I feel like I am being attacked by my partner - instead of realizing that that I've defined myself as somebody who becomes anxious when feels like being attacked.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change immediately because as who I've became did not happen in one moment as decision but contiuous acceptance of self-definition - so I've defined myself as somebody who can change slowly what is an excuse not to change immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for how I experience myself instead of realizing that I am responsible for how I perceive myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who wheels up slowly and slows down slowly instead of realizing that this is how I've defined myself as but in fact I can define myself as instant, immediate and constant self-direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as somebody who does not have emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as somebody who does not like emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as somebody who fights emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as somebody who suppresses emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions so quickly that I am not even conscious about it and then I can remain within the perception of 'I have no emotions'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I suppress emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions define how I experience myself and my reality.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I suppress emotions because I can not stop generating them but I've defined emotions as something what I do not want to experience, be aware of in any way whatsoever because the fear that if I accept myself to have emotions then I am being influenced by emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as bad yet still suppressing them in order to be able to perceive myself as 'emotionless'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I experience, what I experience because of the fear that I might screw things up around me and not wanting to take self-responsibility for what I do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I require suppress myself within my agreement in order to remain within the agreement instead of realizing that I can write out and forgive them as myself each one, specifically one by one until I am always here as direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous when I am being faced with my suppressed emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my suppressed emotions towards my agreement partner because I blame her unconsciously what I experience because I've defined the following: because I experience this only with her, then it must be that it is because of her - instead of realizing that this is a basic blame game in order to not wanting to face my self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough instead of realizing that this is a justification to not change to as I would not judge myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because within changing I will not be able to define myself as I used to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to how I define what I do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the environment within I experience myself instead of being myself directly here the source of who I am as presence as self-will.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize self-dishonesties within me by myself and wanting to have somebody around to reflect back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my agreement partner as somebody who makes me nervous instead of realizing that I am responsible for such inner reaction by accepted self-definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from committing myself to one partner for a life because I've defined having a partner for long time as hell because within my past I experienced relationships what did not work and caused confusion and suffering.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being within a partnership with somebody as limitation and ordinary because I've defined it according to my definitions of my past-experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed of my self-accepted self-dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within argument in fact I am accepting myself within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to express myself within argument instead of realizing that within argument I am fighting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to stop argument with my partner because I've defined that only within argument I can express myself to her instead of realizing that when I raise my voice and speed up my speak - in fact I am existing within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility when I participate within argument instead of stopping and letting go the point for what I argue.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining not being able to express my point of view instead of realizing that if I argue I am not directing myself here within common sense but I want to push down the other by force.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize when I start to argue in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and project self-dishonesties within me towards to my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade others by conviction because I've obsessed myself with the information instead of living practically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to persuade others with information what I've defined as truth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest personalities within my behavior by trusting within knowledge and information instead of myself being here directing as self-presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within personalities instead of directly trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat within my head about points what I fear of instead of unconditionally writing and forgiving the points about the thoughts to reveal the core of the self-dishonesty and prepare myself to STOP.

To be continued.,,

Self forgiveness: partner, father, time etc

2011-11-09T08:33:00.001+01:00

Within our agreement I've noticed some points coming to surface when we do not agree by default.
I am responsible for some patterns within my behavior what is like as I saw my father did with my mother when they argued when I was kid. This I must explore more, it's like I have a sense on this about my father did the same yet I can not put directly into words here.

Currently my life is about to face several points at the same time what I must embrace and change to express oneness and equality with and as myself as my reality and point by point, one by one.

The points I enlist here what about I allow inner reactions to experience, starting the ones within the agreement with my partner, Suszti.

-Sometimes I behave like I am nervous, frustrated, energetically charged, wheeled up, I am reacting, I am not here, I tend to be defensive and separated. After a while I do calm down, but at these occasions I do calm down when I see my partner becoming nervous already or she just swallows it and then it's already too late because she reacted or suppressed. It's like an unconscious game what we sometimes allow to be played out and if we do not stop, it will direct us to the point of we find each other rather unbearable than 'normal'. We agreed on never arguing again, we agreed on not bringing shit up - yet sometimes it still happens. We did not agree on things to the outmost specificity.

-Sometimes I allow myself to define that I require time to be spent alone otherwise I am getting nervous again, fear of losing who I've defined myself to be. We already pushed this point, within one flat|room we must be able to do our things regardless of the other's presence. I guess it's about the secret, what I do without wanting her to know it or it's about how I define myself to be alone and within her presence - and of course: why.

-Sometimes I allow sexual desires to be compounded(it's like a default strategy to react with energy or to occupy myself when I do not like or I do not want to face reality - then sexual energy 'lifting' I start to want) and at occasions it is like wanting to burst now, regardless of reality, I just want sex and at these moments I am really tempted. When we do sex at least twice a week, it is not prominent, but if this does not happen, after some days, I find myself being influenced by sexual context within situations wherein I would not do so by my decision, it's like I do see a specific shaped or clothed or faced woman and I allow inner reaction(because at this moment I am not present, breath, directive), for instance for a moment I wonder about 'wow that ass looks gorgeous, mmmm' - and after this, I do stop, or even I do look to the opposite direction, and as like a little child, I do explain to myself that I currently have a partner, I do not want to anything happen with other girl than my partner, if I want sex, I should approach her, as she also wants this and enjoys it with me anyway, so if she is not here at this moment, I should breath and wait or act with this until we can do so, that's it.

Okay, Self Forgiveness:

Partner:
I forgive myself that I have not considered my partner as Equal and One with and as me in all ways.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do separate myself from my agreement partner with any inner reaction and I continuously allow this - I am responsible for the physical consequences of separation - instead of stopping defining her as separated from me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept and allow inner reactions to come up within me regarding to my agreement partner - I am responsible for the perceived separation from her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any separation I might experience - is because of I have allowed myself to define myself separated from her in any way whatsoever instead of forgiving myself for the currently allowed inner reaction specifically.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am reacting to my partner's expression inside - I am not here, I am not real, I am of delusions, I am of self-dishonesty, instead of taking self-responsibility and stop reacting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my agreement as too intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as automatic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself automatic regarding to my agreement and acting with my partner, Suszti.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as I do need to rest from facing myself and her within our agreement, instead of realizing that within this rest in fact I want to rest from who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who have to be alone regularly in order to 'pull myself together' as who I defined myself to be as 'alone' instead of realizing that if I define myself according to flags such as 'alone' or 'with my partner' or 'with other ones' then I am limiting myself into and as these definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wanting to face myself (at occasions, when I define it as too much) as my manifested agreement as herself and myself together as one as equal and then wanting to occupy myself with activities where I am alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my agreement and to be with my partner as too much instead of realizing that what I am facing is in fact myself and I must take self-responsibility in and as the moment as act as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at occasions I do manipulate my partner in order to get what I want instead of directly expressing what I want to her because I allow fear to come up within me about 'she might react' or 'she might not want to do so' or 'she might not want to allow this for me' and to balance this upcoming self-allowed fear, I use words specifically to make her act as I want to, what is self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'fucked up' at occasions after we do argue for a while and then I feel like I am fucked because I am disappointed, because I feel like I fucked up because I reacted instead of taking self-responsibility within the moment and act and express Self-Forgiveness within the moment and express Self-Corrective Application as stopping to participate within self definition of 'I'm fucked up'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I define myself as 'fucked up', I am responsible for what I experience as I am in fact continuously allowing to 'remain' 'fucked up' instead of immediately apply self-forgiveness as the point, as the self-dishonesty, as myself as breath as physical expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feel' that I am getting tired when I do not get what I want because then I can not define that 'everything as I wanted' and then I do not experience this 'energetic state' of 'greatness' - instead of realizing that this is of self-deception wherein I do escape into occupations to not needing to face what I have allowed to manifest as myself as existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I want to smoke when I can not come along with my partner Suszti, because within the past, I often smoked when I felt like I require to 'relax', instead of directing myself as breath as Self-forgiveness and let go any temptations to pace my mind and accumulate self-direction by step by step of stopping.

About father:
I forgive myself that I've defined myself as I am the continuation of my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my father as myself with no difference.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from becoming like my father was, because my mother had enormous fear about this and she told me so many times that she is very afraid that I might become like my father was - instead of realizing that I am not like father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my father as somebody who is always with me instead of realizing that only my definitions and memories and inner reactions about him is here if I allow to react insider for external influences with thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react inside when others say to me that I am alcoholic because I NEVER drink alcohol since years, not even a sip; instead of realizing that this was my decision to not abuse myself anymore and not strengthen the mind with alcohol in any way whatsoever and if others has issues or pre-programmed definitions about alcohol is great, then I simply realize that this is their issues, I am done with this and I am consistent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike and sometimes hate alcohol because the people around me sometimes act very robotic when they drink alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ban alcohol sometimes but in fact I do not act according to this 'want' - it is just a some sort of 'hope' about the people around me might stop consuming alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my movements, behavior and expressions as the same as my father had, instead of realizing that I am me, myself and I can change and in fact I am changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to argue with my partner just like as I saw my father did with my mother when I was little.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to blame my father because he did not want to face himself and he could not take self-responsibility for himself and for his family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from people judging me being similar to my father because then if they perceive me as similar, then I might be similar than him and I've defined this as 'fearful'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'fearful' to be similar than my father because I might end up as he did, died drunk in a pit, what I've defined as very shitty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as 'shitty death' when somebody falls drunk into a pit near the road full of water and drowning into it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to balance my definition of 'shitty death of my father' with 'such a cool way to leave this fucking world' because my first definition was of his end as 'shameful', about what I can not really be pride.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be pride to my father and to my mother regardless of anything..
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my father made a sport of blaming and procrastination and I learn this pattern from him subconsciously.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what self-dishonesties I am currently responsible to express regarding to my father's personality pattern.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the 'sins of my father' I got by default within my mother's womb through blood and DNA and that is still influencing me what I can be aware of by writing out and applying self forgiveness specifically to each point and each point's starting point by becoming one and equal as the self-dishonesty point and STOP and breathe.

Several points facing at a time in general:
I forgive myself that I've defined myself as somebody who can only face one point at a time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as I am frustrated when I am facing multiple points at a time wherein I must stop participate within self-dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am defining myself according to situations wherein I find myself in, instead of realizing that who I really am is not of momentary situations, but how I express as moment physically is who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can not focus to multiple points at a time and then within all I will fear - instead of realizing that who I am is not of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from focusing to multiple points at a time because of fearing that I might fail with all points.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a man, who can only focus to one point at a time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as they are to be able to focus to multiple points at the same time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that even when I am facing to a single point at a time, I still allow fear to come up about what if an other point will come up and then I will not be able to focus to both points because I've defined myself as somebody who can only focus to one point at a time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when multiple points emerge and I am loosing my stable feet 'on the ground' as presence, then I can in fact stop participate within all points except the one what is really bugging me in the moment and focus only to that one as myself and realize the self-dishonesty within it and stop participate and breath and forgive it unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to focus to only one point at a time while not realizing that it is not about the number of the points, it is about who I am within and as the moment when facing myself as these points wherein I experience inner reactions, self-dishonesties and this is my self-responsibility to stop participate in one breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from falling from facing multiple points instead of realizing that in fact I can not fall, only I can face and learn something new about who I have allowed myself to become physically and what I must stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous to people who apparently are able to handle multiple points while they remain constant and stable, instead of realizing that I also can remain constant and stable.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not constant and I am unstable when I define myself according to external influences by my pre-defined personality matrix, what I must learn and stop and unlearn and let go moment by moment within constancy and consistency.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the pattern within I allow self-dishonesty within myself according to facing points within me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I focus to one point to face/solve/equalize/let go/release/remove within me - then I am defining myself according to this pre-definition of 'focusing to one point' - instead of really and simply focusing to the point without defining and in fact limiting myself as only being this 'focusing to one point'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that 'I am using too much times as 'in fact' and wanting to define myself as 'I want to use 'in fact' less' because fearing from others might define me as somebody who 'uses 'in fact' too many times'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define myself according to how I perceive others 'defining me' instead of realizing that it is of self-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will forget who I am if I do not define myself and the situations wherein I find myself in and as.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here and I am the directive principle of my life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I allow fear of change.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from chaning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'I am changing very slowly'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from 'changing too slowly' because of still holding to self definition of a progress about in that tempo I should change instead of realizing that it is distraction from HERE wherein I in fact I am physically without any inner reaction, without any self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous because allowing fear within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated because epxeriencing that I allow fear within me instead of bringing the fear point HERE as myself as one as equal and realizing what I must let go of and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be frustrated to allow fear instead of simply let go of fear and frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetically charging myself with continuous participation within inner reaction.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to wheel up insider by continuous participation of thoughts, feelings and emotions what is directing my physical life until I STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my reactions with my partner within the starting point of fear she might get hurt by her reaction of her definition-systems of my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing inner reactions here beacuse I might loose time what I've defined as 'never enough'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from time is 'never enough' instead of realizing that the perception of time is of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time for what I've defined as very important while still wanting to participate within activites what I've defined as not very important instead of deciding it within the moment and trusting myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am suppressing my reactions towards my partner - it will compound and it will eventually strike out and then I will not be able to direct within the starting point of self-realization.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed of what I am still accepting and allowing as self-dishonesty instead of letting all go and stop and change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my partner to dump my nervousness and frustration to her because she is here and she is accepting me and my reality instead of realizing that what I am doing to myself in fact I am doing to myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider my partner as an other self as me and using her as an object because simply in the moment I can do so.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I am communicating within nervousness and frustration to my partner.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop within one breath when I realize that I am nervous and I am expressing towards my partner within the starting point of nervousness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to recognise nervousness within me and defining it as 'I am wheeling, rolling' and defining it as cool, energetic, strong.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am frustrated, I do not consider myself and others as here as one as equal therefore I am of and as separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not discuss every and each point within my life shared with my agreement partner to the outmost specificity and agree totally and write it down, saying it and acting it as one as equal as the Living Word.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when my partner does not agree with me in a point, then I do not need automatically react inside as frustrated, rejected, fearful.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to bear that somebody is not agreeing with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the act of somebody might not agree with me and then I might not get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not getting what I want because then what I've defined as myself as who I am of what I want will not manifest, who I defined myself to be will not be able to manifest, so I might be not even real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being real is fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express self forgiveness unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being directed by my partner because I do not trust in her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within the direction of my partner because I've defined her as I can not trust in her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to trust in my partner but fearing from doing so because I might get disappointed from not getting what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my wants.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my trusts towards others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do want to trust in others because I do not allow myself to trust in myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to trust in my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my partner does not trust in me.

Sexuality:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow sexual desires to exist within me instead of realizing that the desire comes through suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound sexual desires within me by participating within thoughts, emotions, feelings about sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I do suppress sexual desire in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for experiencing desire as a manifestation and consequence of perceived separation through participation within thoughts, feelings, emotions about what I want to experience.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear to experience that's why I desire - or I fear from releasing the want to experience because then I'd fear from who I define myself to be is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define specific women on the street as desirable because of the picture presentation I've programmed into me as desirable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after women as sex objects.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am participating within desire after experience and while participating within desire - I can not experience anything else than desire, the separation from the subject of my self-defined, self-compounded desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder about specific women body shape types as 'gorgeous', just because I've defined that geometric shape as 'gorgeous' automatically and giving the permission to my mind to automatically react inside as 'wow this is goergous' - instead of realizing that in fact I am only reacting to my own definitions what's subject can be literally anything based on my personality program what I must STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fight my self-accepted desire towards women by looking into the opposite direction within the fear that if I might look, I might react what I am aware of as self-dishonesty what I want to stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that if I do look into the opposite direction of a picture presentation of a woman who I already defined as 'gorgeous' - that I might not experience desire - instead of realizing that I can simply stop reacting by breathing through, by realizing when and how and why I started to define that particular experience as 'desirable' and forgiving it expressing my action as change as practical STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to grab a very curly, white tight-pants-ed woman's ass because I've defined it as very attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to becoming angry to women in the underway who wear de'collete' where I can see big parts of their tits because I am reacting towards them with desire what I do not want to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself powerless against facing women who I've defined attactive because I've defined myself as somebody who automatically 'gets' desire to sex - instead of realizing that I can stop participate, I can just be here without any inner movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I do have a partner who I agreed with to have sex exceptionally and only with her - so it is not required to automatically react towards other women in any way whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to situations instead of me myself being who I am regardless of external influences especially about women and sexuality and temptation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who likes women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who can not hold up until the right moment to act.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not acting within the right moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from acting within the wrong moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from acting.

What Desteni is sharing

2011-10-20T09:15:00.002+02:00

What Desteni is sharing

To realize the necessity of self-deprogramming through and as words by speaking the words what I live and to live what I speak as one as equal.

To realize the simple basic principle with what we can practically embrace reality at any level, simply because there is always common sense how to get to the self realization but with an absolute and eternal starting point - we always wobble through experiences defined by ourselves as unstable by simply being lost within the details while unable to realign self with the 'big picture' - to develop real unconditional stability as self as expression.

That's why the basic principle is that I am always one and equal with and as my reality. If the actual experience what I face, is about to manifest, the point, for instance "fear from being disposed from a relationship as the other might chang his/her mind", then I am the point as I face fear within and as me from this point, then I am one and equal with what I manifested, the whole physically 'touchable' experience: as I built up a relationship and I defined myself through and as it and I trusted it and the next day it is gone, and I feel strange, uncomfortable, because my starting point for a while was not me as self as life as all as one as equal - then as it's gone - a part of me is gone, and if it's gone, then it's starting point was not consistent, was not me, was not real. Then I miss the thing, even when I am aware of it was not 'real' from 'me', because it had conditions, it was not here, then it was here and then it is not here again - not really trustworthy.

That's why I realize - no matter how deep shit I dig myself into - there is no choice - do I come out or not it is already obviously here.

By realizing that there is 'no choice', I take responsibility and I stand up, not even hesitateing for a blink when it comes to 'choice' - if I am here, I direct, and if I am not here - I experience everything through my 'unreal' past-based, limited perception - so what 'comes in' is already flawed, shifted, twisted by my definitions of things, therefore actually I face my manifested expression of unrealistic perceptions and at least but the most really, the physical consequences.

Then if I apply the basic principle of neness and equality for daily life - I slowly but surely change and I align myself to the only possible 'exposure', the whole existence as me as one as equal as life - as I take responsibility as creation for what I accept and allow.
And then I realize what personally myself is what I accept and allow as "my" existence. Then I see the reality right here, in front of me.

To see the fucking reality is the most simplest thing ever: Just check out how humans fuck up everything in all ways wherein some rule the most by simply creating this energy-value-money-vacuum-system and with that abusing the distribution of power, energy as life - and by everyone's acceptance of the prices and values - people actually die meanwhile the other one wastes hundred times more 'money-energy' with what many could at least not die. And then comes the justification of 'natural selection' what is simply the greatest nazi thing by simply to say that if you are poor, you should actually die, please.

I do not need to find reasons to explain this point more: if we can not love our neighbor as ourselves - we are not even close to actual 'living' as 'life'. Because this is abuse - and if I see it on practical level - I see that we could actually change this world quite fast with an Equal Money System - the true distribution of power as for the first time real love could be expressed through and as everybody simply by granting the same qualities for living in this world - food, shelter, health care at least for every human unconditionally - until that is not manifested, I am not accepting 'love' as real, until that I do not see this world different from hell.
I know, it sounds tough and 'dark' but in fact I am one and equal with and as existence and there is someone who have no food, while the others are accepting him/her to die - then for me a bit like these are demons in hell.
It is common sense that if I am human and I have 'spare' to share and the other one requires that thing for bare surviving(food, water), then I share.
It's like doing things for others what I do want to receive for myself.

For me, it's like if I like something, I assert that the other one might also like it and if says no, then it's alright, for instance with the food, I really enjoy to eat multiple times a day, so I assume that the other one also likes to eat, what is the problem with this? What is the fear within allowing everyone to eat? To be educated, to access health care. This is what an Equal Money System is about, to educate a group of people who can share an assisting environment to be able to 'heal' ourselves from the pre-programmed mind-fuckups to allow ourselves to even realize what is really going on and how and why and then pushing the points into practical change.

So Desteni is about to directly face the core of the problems, no matter what, taking responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed to manifest and finding practical ways to STOP, instead of using justifications for why do we not change. Do not allow your opinions to take over, simply investigate with common sense and apply and share and let go the past of any kind in any moment.

Desteni is sharing the tools to assist and support ourselves within this process of Self-Realization by developing and applying Common Sense, Self-Honesty, Self-Forgiveness, Writing, Sharing and pushing and manifesting the point of Equal Money System.

Self-forgiveness: crying

2011-10-20T09:05:00.001+02:00

Specific memories when I experienced crying

I do not remember much of crying. I always wondered what is happening when others cry, I mean even I wanted sometimes to do so but just could not. I also noticed that many adult use cry as a 'normal' release, some even use it as manipulation of others and

I was about 15 when my family(mother, sister and me) were attending to a wedding. My mother insisted to I wear a suit as I never liked it and I resisted it to the last moment then I wore it and we went to the wedding.
I was standing at the corner while crying silently because I had to do what I did not want.
Then Ramona, a girl from the same village came to me and spoke with me and then it was alright. We went behind the church and took some glasses and threw to the back-wall of the church and it felt good to release my anger.
Before I felt powerless, because I have to obey to silly commands from my mother for instance wear this penguin-like suit what was very strict and uncomfortable, especially the wood-leather shoes.
After I felt that I can compensate it with destruction of
the glasses what grownups define as value(money).
-------
I do not remember any particular crying experience after this until university when the subject of my so called 'love'(self deception), E. told me that she does not want to be with me as girlfriend and after months ot thriving, I finally understood. When I was sitting at the front of the flat at the top of the concrete block, I was crying. I could not stop it, all my bitter miscarriage flew out and I lost the sense of myself in a way within that cry, I cried for everything but mostly because simply something did not happen what I wanted - nothing I wanted more - this was the only single focus point within my life - to be with her and when I finally understood that it will not happen - I cried. I put all of myself to this focal point - all other aspects of me blurred out for long months and then within that cry I've changed.
I've decided to close myself down in a way - since then - I did not cry for 13 years.
I made the decision that "I will not suffer because of woman, no matter what."

Then when recently I had heatstroke and flu and I cried, not like 'sobbing' but it was definitely cry. It was a some sort of process - when I started process, I experienced a some sort of mind-cry for slight moments. It was more likely a very fast picture pop-up within my mind as I am crying very intensely - for about a quarter of a second and then nothing, like it was nothing.
When I talked with my Resonances at Desteni Farm last year, it was told that I've developed to suppress emotionally very fast - for a quantum moment I have this emotional package and then in the next moment it's gone, but I did not release, I did suppress. But suppression accumulate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would define myself as weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate crying with weakness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define cry as something what would mean that I am unworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I cry, I am exposing my weakness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would show up to others that I am lost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I do not seem as a grownup man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress crying because then I would fear from being judged as weak, woman-like, hysteric.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as manipulation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would release the things about I am crying and then I would change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because then I would not know what will happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing what will happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if see/hear someone to cry more than one time then I would define her/him that it is just manipulation instead of realizing that it might happen because of hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that crying would make me vulnerable for attacks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I cry, I might get addicted to crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I see someone cry, I should not trust in that person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have any definition about crying instead of remain inner silent.

Specific memories:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry when I can not do what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry when I must do what others told me and I defined it as I do not like it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to my mother because she told me something to do what I did not want to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry when I do not get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shameful when I cry in front of the others, especially girls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shame to cry when at least one woman is around because how I defined myself as a man who can not cry is not true therefore who I defined myself to be came to be not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not getting what I want because then my whole approach to get what I want was not fruitful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when I do not get what I want and then suppressing the emotions and compound them and when it is getting too much, then crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being 'burned out' when I cry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as painful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not feeling good' when someone is crying around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use crying to escape from reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as a tool to balance my fuckupness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my tears was gone because I've cried so much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who can not cry because I've defined my past crying as 'too much', as 'depleted'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myselt to think that crying makes me unstable therefore it is avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would make myself unstable.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions so fast that I even do not become aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if someone is crying then that person is untrustworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself untrustworthy because I've cried.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I cry once then next time I will cry easier.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated and nervous when I am talking to someone who starts to crying.

Week of heatstroke and Self Forgiveness on emotions

2011-09-18T21:28:00.003+02:00

2011.09.18

I am officially "offsick". The first part will be the story how I experienced myself through the week, the second part will be Self Forgiveness and some Self Corrective Statements.

I got heatstroke and at the same time I was down with cold and sore throat. Strange coupling. We were motorboating on the river Danube near my sister's weekend house meanwhile I was not wearing hat(sometimes yes, but to not allow the wind to take away the hat - I took it off) and I was busy with photographing and video recording while not considering the physical conditions. This was the second time this year when I was under sun more than half a hour and I had no chance.
The strange thing was that almost for a day I did not know that I have any problem. After the boating I was having my head really hot and I felt myself weak, so when we returned from the trip(it was about 2-3 hours totally), I used my sister's hat and made it wet and went into the hut to take a nap meanwhile I could not sleep but somehow I felt myself 'charging'.
Later afternoon I felt better, then I went out with my agreement partner Suszti and we did take a bath in the river naked - then again we were power-boating again - this time even myself I drove the thing for a while.
After the trip we went back to my mother's house, spend a hour and then with Suszti we caught the train back to Budapest.

On the train I was about to feel that I am exploding slowly but surely. I even considered the possibility that somebody gave me high dose LSD as the symptoms were very similar:
-Energetic bursts circulated within my whole physical body while I felt like I am on a dimensional shift because I could not find my place
-I felt very uncomfortable because I could not handle to just sit there meanwhile Suszti was reading because emotions started to infest my mind from apparently nowhere.

I was familliar with this as I took psychedelic drugs hundreds of times within my past but this was way more rude and raw - and as hours passed - it did not flip out as 'trips' usually do but intensified to the outmost degree.

When we arrived to Budapest, we went down to the subway wherein about 15 times more people were waiting - no chance to get the metro within rational time frame, probably some traffic problem, so we went up and in that moment I was about to burst some anger with my fist hitting the handrail on the moving staircase. Suszti suggested to not let myself go and discipline myself but I was having seriously problematic time to even be aware of my breath at will.
I was behaving like her 3 years old kid when he is tired around 20PM and I was about to start walking instead of wait one minute for the tram but then the tram came, then we changed the tram and we already argued some and I 'knew' that I lost the point HERE but I told her, I simply want to move on instead of some helpless wait.
On the tram I was already crying, I could not help stopping my tears so I took on and closed my eyes and experienced my tears flowing.
After that at my place we started to argue on something, Suszti was bringing up some points within our agreement as how unpleasant when women approach me and very soon she left me , she rather wanted to be alone than with me. We had a particular issue what we could not agree on and I was unable to use common sense in that time, but this will be a topic of a future blog post, regarding to current status of our agreement. So.
I went to sleep - that was the only thing I could do, to go into my bed and try to sleep - after a while I slept in and Suszti came back - it turned out that she missed the tram and could not get home so after a while she came back about at 1 AM. I opened the door for her and that was the time when I realized that I was extremely freezing out, my body was shaking like never before and she came to me into the bed and she told me that my body is very very hot, I am having a very high fever what should be pushed down with medication but I told her I do not care, just 'hug me' and we slept. It was very clear then that I got something serious sickness, so I've planned to go to doctor in the morning instead of work.
In the morning she went to work, I did pee almost orange and then I bought a thermometer, at 8AM it was 38.4.
Doctor told me that I got heatstroke and got virus with sore throat and she gave me Algopyrin pills and took me to sick-pay. Until Wednesday my fever did not really go below 38, only if I took 1-2 pills - and my tears just flowed many-many times. Not because of the extreme pain what all parts of my body felt like but somehow I felt like all the suppressed shit throughout the years was lacerated and came to surface. I was facing myself.

I was literally burning out all the suppressed shit within and as my human phyisical body and literally it was one of my most intense things of my life. Man, I felt aggrieved so strong, that I was crying again and then I realized this is what I can thank only to myself.
I was blustering for years because of 'I can not cry since 10 years' - I was crying. It was relief.
When the pill did not take my fever, I took a cold shower and I was shaking like in the movie Trainspotting where the heroin-addict guy was occluded from the stuff. Even I did laugh on myself about what did I think when I did suppress myself throughout the years, not only by myself, but with the drugs, with the dope, with all kinds of 'psycho'-delusional stuff.

But it was worthy - to walk through directly this to experience what degree I suppressed the shit into and as my human physical body, simply for instance one point, suppressing emotions.

But the week was not simply I was in bed all the time - the timing was about to 'clean up' my current place, go to the new apartment(I found it before) and pay in advance to be able to take out from October. So I had to clean up my place and it was a mess! So I took two pills instead of two and I was packing and cleaning on Wednesday. I've noticed that my brain is skipping points, forgetting things very easily and my focus and discipline was very weak, I was discursive. I was watching movies also, I remember 'The girl with dragon tattoo' - and there were some very nasty and evil killings in the movie and I found it very very disturbing, usually I do not 'feel' like.
The next point what raised the 'stakes' of this whole experience that I had no money. I had to put down all of existing money into the next flat(advance money), so I took my poor-box full with coins and I started to roll up 5's and 10's and 20's to 500HUF's. It was very intense experience as I was digging after bigger coins with my fingers in a big pot.
On Wednesday morning I did vomit from the tap water while I was washing my tooth - nothing really came out as since days I was barely able to eat anything, but I felt the tap water very stinky and undrinkable. Then I went back to doctor for check-up and meanwhile I was walking on the street, I noticed how disgusting it is - very dirty, literally shitty, raunchy, getto-like the district is where I was living since 3 years. I always knew that it is one of the ugliest part of the city, but I almost vomit on the street again. I was very glad that the next apartment will be in Buda, the 'greener/nicer' part of Budapest.

So within this continuous temptation of reacting to different kind of things, the only thing what really assisted me that I was saying self-forgiveness and I knew that I stick to breath and I did count my breath as much as I could, just breath trough, if I get through this shit, I will not fuck myself up with suppressing emotions again, I will not smoke again and I will stop all participation within emotions no matter what because it is extremely insane to live like this. So then as days passed, my body's heat-system started to recover, I was able to eat more and more and I was better but still I took naps in each 3 hours.

On Friday night I felt the first time that I am getting stronger so I could do some pushups.
At Suszti, there was a meeting with people who we traveled a lot before and I was enjoying to eat and talk.
Yesterday, on Saturday I came home(from Suszti's) and I was able to continue with my second job(still about to 'finish' my task and if it's done, my contract will end!).
I got one week to finish it, to write down the handover documentation.
Tomorrow I will look after Suszti's kid while she will go out, so I will be able to continue the mind construct what I must finish ASAP for the current lesson within Desteniiprocess.

I remember that when I was at Desteni farm, while talking with Resonances, that I have the tendency to suppress emotions very quickly, I even did not become aware of it, because the emotion 'comes' and in the next micro-second it was suppressed into the physical body and I was like "I have no emotions, I am 'clear'", but in fact I just suppressed it.

Self forgiveness - emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do suppress emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not aware of suppressed emotions only when it is too much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotion as weakness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight emotions, I am of emotions.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to release emotions when they arise.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for my emotions.
I forgive myself that I've defined myself as emotionless instead of realizing that I do suppress emotions in a nanosecond when they arise and then I can act as 'I have no emotions' - meanwhile I push them down into and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by fighting my emotions I fight with myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight myself, I will always lose because no matter what part of me 'wins' - the other part of me always loses therefore I am manifested of and as this polarity manifestation of winning/losing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to win.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never want to lose.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by suppressing emotions I am not moving but standing still.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that suppression is of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself who I am actually of and as emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by suppressing emotions into and as my human physical body, I am actually abusing my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from emotional discharges when the suppression of emotions is so extreme that my body will not handle it and it may manifest accident, sickness or simply mind-possession.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that a man can never cry because then he can be perceived as weak.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I suppressed fear from being weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a 'man' as somebody who can never have emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my human physical body as weak therefore to overbalance this perception within my mind I've defined myself as somebody who can never allow to show weakness such as emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I separate myself from the emotions what I've accepted to manifest within myself, then I have no directive principle over the emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by 1+1=2, thought by thought I accumulate energetic charges within and as my mind what I experience and then I define it as who I am instead of realizing that these are the systematic manifestations of myself what I've accepted and allowed to develop, manifest and sustain by continuous participation of self-dishonesties as self-judgments based on memory.

Self corrective statements

Emotions:
When I experience a slight movement inside of me - I let it out, I express, I assist and support myself to bring into reality as momentary expression.
When I experience that I stop - I must realize that I am suppressing, I stopped expressing. I breathe, I let go everything within me, I am here, what is here? I express here!
When I experience emotions come up, I do not judge, I do not fear from being of it, I do not suppress it, I look into me as me and I realize what is it, what is the starting point of it, how I created, why I created and I let go.
When I do not understand something, I do not try to 'think it out', I trust myself as moment.
Physical:
When I am under sunlight, I consider that I am bald, I require hat, I require shade, I require water.
When I experience that I start to be dizzy, I consider to rest, the sun, take water.
When I am with others, I might consider that I can make myself to be too busy to notice what my body can and can not take.
When I am using my camera, I still should consider my human physical body, it's limits, it's requirements.
When I am using my camera, I must be aware that I have the tendency to obsess myself with the recording too much and not realizing the whole HEREness of my body, others.

I will continue writing on crying

2011.08.31 About agreement+status

2011-08-31T09:17:00.004+02:00

2011-08-31
My partner is coming back from Siberia - she went out for two weeks, after two days I will go out to the airport to catch her.

It is fascinating to see that I am with someone again. About a couple years before I could freeze my ass on the idea that I 'have' a woman 'again' - but that seemed to be some sort of paranoia - but in fact if I direct and I am self honest - there is nothing wrong with being with a woman, especially if we decided to walk agreement.

Our agreement in a way is 'going' for a while now - however at one point I might say it is not standing - the consistency.
We simply did not decide for infinity - mostly myself but she is also not sure, mostly because of me.

I am still finding a proper job in London since June, it is starting slowly, on Friday I will have a phone-interview.

Why I want to go there to live? Definitely much-much greater salary. With that salary I would be able to support others with less more concerns and my intent to invest into equipment for starting specific projects(film for instance) meet the financial expectations(expensive stuff).

I told her that I could manifest a support environment for her and her kid(3 years) there, but she has her family and her ex(the father) who are supporting her to take care of the child and also the kid likes to be with his father, the friends at kindergarten etc, so she told me that for some years they will remain here. Then I can decide to keep up this while I stay at London with many weekend-visits and we will see.

I was dealing with this point and my want to go is quite strong, not only because of the money but I found more connections and possibilities to work with in London.
If I could get a decent contract, I will go out - I already arranged the place to stay at my ex-living-mate for the beginning until I could not afford my place to rent.

Recently I noticed that I still allow fear to come up regarding to 'making mistakes' what is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making mistake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from manifesting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from who I can become if I push myself with no condition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being too rude if I want to manifest who I am or what I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged by others as too rude and raw because I am doing what I want instead of realizing that I trust myself here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am unsure and inconsistent, my partner will be also unsure and inconsistent so it is my responsibility for my side of the agreement to stand firm and unwavering as breath as presence as physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by specific energetic reactions I am allowing myself to be possessed according to definitions of energy perceived within polarities.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not the same today, yesterday, tomorrow, then I am of energies of personalities what I must understand, write out, forgive and let go unconditionally.

With my partner I found not that disturbing that she sometimes does her tibetan buddhist practices - it is a great reflection point for me to see who I am regarding to buddhism, and in fact I always am sure about how I see this and this point and within that I am consistent - 'bullshit, self-deception, separation-based flawed conception' - and of course if I would be with her for 20 years and I would still allow it, I might face this more intensely, but at this moment it's a great point to see that when I do 'have' a point what I have issue with - do I stick to the point as facing self or I bring this up as a comfortable pressure point towards her - but in fact it is here many times - about 'okay but you are still participating within spiritual deception anyways' - and I must see this point directly to not get distracted.

The most important point to see that could I walk with her as eternity? I still see condition, and I make this open by this condition: she can and want to start Desteni I Process at a point or not - because if never - then I am not interested. If yes, then I am willing to walk with her.
Also we did not live together but in different apartment - it is in a way tempting - to have more time together - but at times we still face this 'okay, we saw each other enough, for 1-2 days, it's okay if not so' - what we still must push trough and in fact I could find EXTREMELY supportive if I could live with my partner - because then there is no 'way back' to re-build my personality alone by doing stuff what I've defined myself to do as 'alone'. Significant point and I want to live with my partner - but in fact it is not practical with her yet - I could say this will be the 'real' test of our agreement - because if we would move together - that would mean something, but until that we are still approaching to this point. She told me that she also have sometimes this 'freaking out' from being with someone, as she always found to be 'alone' more easy but this is obviously the question of self-honesty.

Is this maybe a some sort of hope? Still hoping in that she could start to apply the tools or not? In fact she does say and write self-forgiveness when nothing else left, but that's not enough.

In a way I am also tempted with many points while I am with her - temptations towards other women, desires were quite an issue before but I was able to realize - I must let this come out and let go and I am sure that some years ago I was able to walk without lost in desires so it the question of time and walk the decision. I am quite satisfied with this point currently but as we agreed to not have sex with other at all simply was the solution. Why did we not start with this? That's hilarious obviously but we are manifested as who we accepted to be and I allowed so much suppressed desires what I found unable to simply release in a day and if I let go and express, some times I face with the fact that if a girl is interested to do some sort of flirting with me and she acts so - I might respond automatically as I'm in the game. Because of self-definition regarding to who I am according to women. That's cool that we face this. She also faces this with many guys approach her and temptation is great but I always was aware of my process will embrace sexual temptations what I must stand through and make the decision all the time to remain self-honest, especially regarding to agreement, as literally keeping my word what we agreed on.
That's cool - that's in fact strengthening.

I am also sure that if my partner would remain with me, later she would experience from first hand, what is desteniiprocess and I do not need to force this as an option but she might 'join' - but for now she is continuing her tibetan practices and that was the most significant point for me to embrace about her.
But my point is to not accumulate uncertainty and hope because by that I manifest hope and by that I do not move unconditionally.

For me it is clear that I want change in my environment - I am leaving my apartman and I did not want a 'new one' in Budapest anymore, I wanted to go already but I still remain in Budapest - as my current contract will end from my designation point to two months, at least 3-4 months I will still remain at least, and for that it is worth to change place, maybe closer to my partner, will see.

What I noticed within my expressions is that somehow calmness comes in - I walk and I notice I am calm - then I 'check' my arms - are strained or I can relax my arms? I start to walk slower and I ENJOY that I am located within this slow, relaxed walk.

I remember, Sunette(AA) told me once that I will be able to remain acting while still relaxing and towards that I reacted with :woooooow, that would be cool indeed.

That time is here, I must push, by this point I realize I do not need to think, I do not need to fear, I do not need to worry, simply I see where is my location, what or who I am and simply trust myself as this point and push and keep acting, expressing, sharing.

I noticed this 'change' within typing as well - I make mistakes much less - I accept the fact that this is the keyboard, I do not need to rush to type, I simply find the comfortable, sustainable velocity within typing wherein I do not make typos all the time, if so, then simply remain within physical relaxation while deleting the typo and typing it in properly.
That's a HUGE experience for me, when I do not need to use anything to 'DO' relaxing, but simply wherein I am - I apply - my face I release from keeping faces up because at the moment I am possessed with specific mind-shit -- let go - relax, breathe, I do not require to smile or make serious face as a robot - I express and express and express.

I also am aware of I have the tendency to not manage time properly by wanting 555 things to be done instead of doing 1-2 properly - still of self-definition and by the time stressing myself with the fact that I am still not 'knowing' how the machine as myself works. Why? Because I still prefer information and knowledge over what is real/here? About who I perceive myself to be? I am here, I am real as physical.

Okay, if one not yet approached agreement, I suggest to try it out - of course after a while facing self it must be constantly expressed, for instance blogging, vlogging, - to be sure that I am not deceiving myself and others and in fact I am walking the change already.

Recently I am writing on paper again - what is in a way cool, but I must PUSH the sharing point, so much I can share - so I must push the blogging, vlogging point more.

Walking on street within Self-dishonesty since childhood

2011-08-02T18:24:00.001+02:00

Walking on the street

I remember, once I read Maite's blog about how she experienced herself walking on street, especially when walking by construction workers.

I noticed some programmed expressions within me as well while walking on street.
I explore this, starting with memories then current experiences.

I noticed that I have a tendency to judge the things and people what I face on street.

When I was a teenager, I remember many times I was like compelled to watch the people's eyes who I walk by when I was walking on the street.

I was like I want to look into the eye - I had no idea why - I suspiced that it's a wolf-thing, like both stare each-eye until one is turned around: the weaker. And I did this to many many many people - at bus stations at shops at market.
I was obsessed with this occupation - the other one could be small, girl, huge, man, did not matter, I was just staring and I did not even blink but stare like a werewolf to get this energetic experience of 'the other pulls away the stare first'.

I was walking to high school when I did this a lot.

In that time mostly I was so energetically charged most of my time, that I do not really remember much of the real physical elements of my surroundings - except when I was in 'waiting' mode for instance for bus and then I was able to watch each detail of the visuals of the trees, people etc.

I also remember how I defined women as sex objects. It's like I have a bunch of categories about how to behave on street with 'abc' - wherein
a = men - as wolf to show that I am the alpha
b = women - as I am the man
c = children - I am the possible best to play with

I remember also that for a while while I was reading Silva's Mental Control, I even did the 'three finger technique' what was about that what I think will influence the outflow - for instance a traffic light how could give a 'green' line when I touch my right ear, lol.

Mostly I've changed my behavior while I was walking by somebody, like stretching my back to look bigger, walk more 'seriously', to share an appear as I am 'somebody'.

Also with girls, I was unable to stare in their eyes, only for moments, I felt shame, extreme shy-ness.
Mostly because what I wanted to do with women(in that state I believed that I want so) and I felt shame, I was afraid that they could see through my wolf-stare and childish behavior. I felt dizzyness, confusion and distraction while I was facing girls, women, except the really old ones who I defined as
not sex-objects.

So mostly these with I was occupied when I was alone on street - and combining these into unrealistic dimensions while I was unaware of my breath where I am as physical anyways.

By years, many from these went gone, but some still can come up, for instance a need for wanting to look into the eye of the people who I walk by on street, stairway, sitewalk, hall etc.

Sometimes still I simply forget for a moment who I am what I am doing, where I am going - or it's more likely like these occupations while walking are 'entertainment' to ensure that I am 'pleased', 'I am occupied', 'I am experiencing'.

By these I've defined myself according to situations, for instance looking into the eye of a woman who I can define as attractive - or even as 'sensual/sexual' by the 'automatic' self-definition projection towards women - especially who I 'do not know' - the 'strangers' who I have no real-life connection, so it's like a free-prey of my mind - at least for a moment, because after I expose this activity for a particular woman - things change - or I do define more the 'subject' of my mind currently, what is of definition, of picture, in this case as : woman;
or I do not want to 'walk in that direction' because I exposed that I am in fact nasty for instance thinking sex about somebody who probably would not like to do so in physical and I do not like really myself when I do this - I like more direct act, if I'd like a woman, better to express it and face and see that is this really practical to me and to her or not? - and probably in this second case the answer is no - but how I can 'know' until I do not try? Knowledge is what I fuck myself with this time.

Even sometimes I turn around to want to see that
-the woman might also turns around and in that case I could define that she might liked me as picture
-I want to see the back-part of her body, particularly: ass to react once more within as self-dishonesty.

About men - there is no outstanding issue - but sometimes - way less than all the case - when about an exceptionally muscular guy walks by - it's like I am a tiny boy again and try to act as a grownup, a hard, serious, physically powerful 'warrior' or 'hunter'.

This is based on physical measure - as they are bigger than me - I've defined them more powerful because the more muscle, the more power the should have by my look according to their image.

This was because I was always thin, I was always white-skinned and girls obviously like boys with muscles, and I felt inferior and balanced it with justifications of 'I am very smart, very fast, I have strong stamina'.

Geez, maan, so many personalities can pop up only by I walk on the fucking street!

Sometimes this child come up what wants to touch all the bars of the fence or when I carefully and barely hit the traffic sign poles to get the specific sound of these and as I walk through, after some meters I can still hear the overtone.

Also I have the tendency to focus on my feet, to feel my feet, to feel how I use the muscles, how I bend the thigh, how the fingers on my feet bend as I hold the weight of my body etc...

Also I like to stare the endless point at the center - as I walk into the unknown undefined, I just walk, I breathe, I release my 'lock on' on the visual and I just 'allow to watch the visuals flow like in a movie' while I walk determined by not focusing anything but on I walk infinity.
And then the temptations come, distractions, for instance somebody walks by, does not matter what type who - I have the tendency to stop this 'infinity focus stare' and look a fast into her/his eye or simply just look down while I pass by this specific one.

And then if I see reaction I can ask -why did I behave like that?

Why I can not just walk and breathe without flying away? What is required to remain here? More details? More focus? More presence? More danger or more anxiety or even more entertainment?

Recently - about 1-2 years - my walk changed - when I walk - I do not like to be disturbed by mind - I walk, I enjoy walk - otherwise what comes up while I walk is my unifinished business with some sort of self-accepted self-dishonesty .
But when I walk more than a minute - I notice thoughts - patterns come up - about 3-4 reoccuring topics, mostly about my things what I have to do and judgments about them, mostly because I am in late with several 'projects'.

Another topic is about how do I change when I am at party for instance on dancefloor with 1000 other.

Also it's different when I am in different type of mass of people for instance at subway station.

However there are common features how I experience 'many people' around me...
How I defined this before: It's like a shield wherein I can be myself, wherein there are so much people that it is not matter if I would not be myself, others might not notice it.

Obviously these are extreme polarities but I want them to be written and then self forgiveness I can write about it to be aware and then stop being a fucking robot while I walk around.

Self forgiveness will come shortly.

Trust issues

2011-07-29T00:29:00.002+02:00

Trust.

With my partner, we realized that we must agree on words - words what we agree to live by and live as.
We agreed on some words to live by and as - but there are still areas what we not even touched yet we express.

For instance we decided to support ourselves by self-honesty, consistency, stability in which I found we are not real.

What I found very supportive as well is that we agreed on not participating sexually with others unless we would agree on different.
It's like a contract - we sign with self-honesty words what we decide to live as one as equal.

I had the tendency to wander about other women too but in fact I found this confusing not only for myself but for my partner. Still sometimes I do not realize that I do speak or act things as flirting - not really intentionally but it's like directly manifested unconsciously - we agreed on this - yet sometimes I fly away - when I am not here as Breathing Self Presence. Then I am compromised by influences of the mind as I've designed myself.

My partner, told me that she does not really trust me within this because she found that men are opportunists who bend according to situations. I told her that I am really pushing myself to earn this trust as I decided to not play boy with women. At one event something occured with an other girl some months ago and when I told my partner this, in fact she told me that she did very similar with her ex-boyfriend almost at the same time. Then when I told her what happened, she was really furious with me and after some minutes she told the story what she did and then it was quite an equal and we discussed this and we both agreed on not to do so and since then I do not give into such opportunities for compromise myself with situations wherein I could literally give into these kind of temptations. Because we agreed on this and I find very important to do so.

Many times I found people untrustworthy. In fact I always had the issue to trust within others while I was unable to trust myself at situations. But for instance what I do prefer to myself - about that I always trusted myself almost unconditionally. When I faced with alcohol or drugs - at one point I always realized - this is not really good for my body - and I trust my body. That was the first level of my trust. When I feel the pain within the body - I trust in that it is manifested physical pain and it is not cool, I must act in order to stop this physical pain.

When I do say that I prefer not to eat raw onion - I trust my preference. That one I could question already as it is not directly physical - it is the taste of it what I perceive or define as not cool and I act according to that.

Within my process I realized there are situations when I can not trust within my eyes - for instance when seeing shiny and fancy and huge advertisements - or when I was tripping the hell out of me by drugs - I've seen things what I saw but in fact later on I found out that these were not real. What I physically feel, touch is real, within that I can give trust that it is as I experience - however if I bring up any memories, definitions, connotations, associations, feelings, thoughts or any inner reaction according to the physical feel of touch - then I already stepped beyond reality and walking within Mind Realm wherein anything is possible regardless of what is real here.
I also noticed that multiple people has multiple level of multiple trusts.

Myself also, at workplace I trust in my boss about my job, about the project, about the information what he shares - by working with him more than 2 years - I walked with him through lot of shit(problems, solutions) and I trust him in that - however about personal life and personal point of views - I am not sure I could trust in him.

Sometimes people do say to me that I am too naive - mostly about the so called 'friends' who sometimes come and for instance ask some money from me with the promise that soon they will pay it back - and in fact never - I was like if he says so - I mean it's like hollywood shit - I see the close-up of his face with all of the details and he is saying the words "I will give it back next week" - and it is in a way so promising like when I see the movie in the cinema with the actor who says: -"I am going to kill them." - and then he does so.

So it's like I imagine myself within a movie wherein the actors are honest at least - the actors who I am surrounded with - at least they should do as they say so - and if not - then by watching the movie - after some occasions - one can say - this person can not be trusted by his/her words.

At least for me it is like if I give money to someone BECAUSE he said he will give it back - because it's obviously seen within 'my movie' that I am not peeing that fucking money from thin air - I do work for it with "my all precious" time. So. I had to realize I must change within that because I have this trust issue.

When a friend asks for money and then I do not get back that money - I should consider that this particular person is untrustworthy. At least from my point of view. At least from the point of this money borrowing thingy. What I found that with multiple guys - we were in quite open communication relationship, so called friends, but after this money thing went through and I did not see back the money - (it was never HUGE amount, more likely about 20-100 Euros mostly) then after a while we stopped all contact.
Some even came back after about a year and asked again, but most of them 'just somehow' never saw me again.
Also there was one guy, who felt so bad about it that he could not give money to me that he was unable to face me and when after about a year we met - he was just saying that 'I want to give it back, I am just selling some instruments, very soon hopefully I wil be able to pay' - and I told him I do not care about that amount anymore, it's gone, whatever, what about you, how are you? And then he asked my phone number and then I stepped off the tram and I never heard from him.
I trusted him that he could do - but in fact by this trust I lost thousands - what I do not regret - but I must adjust my attitude to this because I am currently focusing on financially stabilize myself and each point is equally important within the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2.

Also I found that the trust is like the word truth - different for everyone.

Another aspect for instance:
There was a summer when I was with friends about 5-6 years ago when we did basking and juggling on street in Spain - we did smoke a lot and at one point we agreed on not trust in each other - it was not really problem - it was almost like a happy fun to realize that we are so stoned and disoriented and confused and lazy that even when one said 'I've checked the doors of the car, it's locked' - it was not sure because we were untrustworthy.
Even at a point I remember I said: 'I do not even trust myself about these kind of points'.
Yet we had to exist within a so called 'team' - wherein people had activities to do for instance one guy made the juggling stick and one was the driver of the car and I was the one who played with the stuff on street or playing music instruments to demonstrate how great fun is this or attract people with the music for one may buy it and the fourth guy was the one who took the money from the buyers and gave the stuff for them. But of course the roles werent that strict - in a way when we realized we are so fucked up, I started to be more conscious about points what are important because we must be able to exist efficiently otherwise we would end up not selling stuff and not having money.
What I did about points what I've defined as important - for instance to close the door of the car when we sit in to start to go somewhere - then I checked it multiple times regardless of remembering that I did check it or not.
Because at one event we started the car while the door was open - and the policemen stopped the car and said "it's open, you should close it" - and then we did so and started the car again and then an other door of the car was still open and I realized how much we are fucked within our expression.

But in that time somehow we even defined that as 'cool' because the only thing what we cared about is that we push the drug into our head and then we fly around things while our desires(fabricate,sell juggling sticks) must be manifested.
In that time I was not aware of that Trust must be built and earned.

Or an other story:
Recently my partner was in a camp wherein one guy approached her for how about kissing - and then she told the guy that I am with Tala now(the guy knows me), and we agreed on that we do not do these things behind each other - and the guy asked her one more time with reasoning "come on, he will not know it".

Also then when he realized she wont kiss - he told her that he also agreed with a girl who he does sexual things with, that they will not do sex with others without the other knowing - but he sometimes does so as it is referred as 'cheating'.
My partner told him that he should re-discuss with her about this sex thing with his partner and discuss on what both agree to do.

Fascinating. Not personally I am wondering about this guy regardless of he knows me or not - but how human nature operates generally - by using the excuse that 'the other will not know it'.

In fact for me it is more likely an issue of myself first. I must exist with that I did not do what I agreed on with somebody to do. Then, in fact broke my agreement with her while I will imitate that I did not.
But when the other will realize that I did not do according to what we agreed upon, then what will happen?

The city wherein I live as I face with people I noticed that they do not live by principle and agreement- as I did not live by principle before DESTENI as well.

Recently I met with some teenagers, it seems to be that they did not yet develop a stable 'experience' of self - more likely they are faced with expressions from outside and they simply react according to cultural, family and media-influences based on they momentary perception of what is good for them.

Within that starting point humans tend to act based on self-interest - how they are interested on doing things what makes everything great but only for themselves.

A point what I integrate into my momentary decisions is that if I am able to question myself before my action then I ask myself: 'What is best for all?'

By that question I am able to locate myself who I really am - who I am within this current existence.
Because by compromising what is best for all - in fact I am compromising myself.

This is the question of Self-honesty. Am I able to see within myself that my intentions are based on the principle of what is best for all?
Because firstly to realize what is best for all - is to release preconceptions about what is good for me - and by realizing how I became who I am - and why I became who I became - I will be able to start to learn myself. And by learning who I am - I realize - I can change myself.
If I do see this point within Common Sense - then I consider my current location. My current state and my current abilities and investigate what is the current state of the system - and what I can do for what is best for all.

By starting to explore Self here - I realized that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within delusions - self-definitions what are in fact not real, definitions, memories what I repeat to express physically based on fears, desires what are of my self-interest.

So by common sense - what is best for all - is that I do not trust to delusions.

The HERE within this equation is that I am here - my delusions I still accept - then I start working on this.
I start working to reveal, write, forgive and release and breath trough my delusions.

About delusions I must pronounce that thoughts, feelings, emotions are of delusions - if I act according to these - I am of delusions. Yes, I am aware of that these words have weight - and all of the humanity are currently existing by and as thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Where I live, people mostly have no intent to stop exist as expressed thoughts, feelings, emotions.

People are conscious about they are imperfect - yet everyone has personally developed excuse and justification about why they do not stand up to their Self-dishonesty as one as equal as Self Here.

Why I write about this? Because it is a great reflection point for me - that "Do I judge people because I do not trust them?" - if so - then why I am in fact projecting issues towards them - instead of acting and not accepting what is not best for all.

My location is that I have developed quite a manifested Mind what I am currently existing within and as.
To investigate my delusions - I must apply some precedences as starting point for instance Oneness and Equality.
As principle - I am always existing within and as Oneness and Equality. This is not a subject for argument.
I am always equal what I accept and allow - as I am one with and as who I am - and by this principle - I can start investigating myself as who I am within what I accept and allow here on earth.
This is where the Physical I enjoy - I express myself as physical - there were some time when I preferred not physical but in fact if I consider what is real, what is here - the physical what I align myself to and as.

So the trust issue is what one must directly face and redefine trust. By redefining trust I redefine the relationship with myself and my reality. I trust myself unconditionally.

Actions to do :

-I must not allow to borrow people because of their (or my backchat) manipulation by that 'I am good person'.
-I must not allow myself to compromise my standing by trusting within something what I did not clarify.
-I must not allow myself to work with the act of 'trust' based on hope.
-I must live by what I agreed upon with my partner, not only because of me or of her but as ourselves as principled living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within my thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within my delusions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within what is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value through trust into people, things separated from me instead of realizing that I am here, I trust myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up hope and trust - instead of realizing that if I hope that my trust worth then my trust is not worthy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I must build self trust by acts simply by speaking what I do and doing what I speak one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in friends unconditionally just because of the self-definition of 'friends trust each other' instead of realizing that by definition noone can be trusted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within scriptures and books instead of all ways trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself here as breath as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust myself as past instead of realizing that the past is not real, only existing as a reflection within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting within something or somebody because of that I might get disappointed when the trust was not worthy.

I trust myself here. I trust myself as physical here. I am trust.

Self forgiveness: fear from expressing myself

2011-07-29T00:23:00.000+02:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from expressing myself who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to face the consequences what I caused.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to avoid to face the consequences what I caused with my deeds and words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my self honesty by defining myself according to situations for instance talking with someone who raised her/his voice.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am raising my voice with emotion then I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from telling people how I see them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing people around me because I do tell them how I see them within dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sleep at least 5-6 hours a day because of fearing that I do not have enough time and sleeping enough is waste of time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my human physical body as a machine, as a vessel what I can use for my purposes instead of realizing that I am one and equal with and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself separated from my human physical body as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from stopping perceiving myself as separated from my human physical body and the whole physical existence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by defining myself who I really am as separated from physical existence in fact I am separating who I am from myself by definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in thoughts and feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get emotional when I face with emotions about death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to emotions or according to feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being emotional.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am suppressing emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to suppressing emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by suppressing emotions I still of emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do suppress emotions - I am reacting the same way as the other people who get emotional but I do push it down into me deeply to not face it as myself what I have allowed myself to react.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have built a self-definition about who I am and within and as my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions - I am referring to this defined-self and participating within reality by and of and as this self-definition personality system instead of realizing who and what I am expressing as Physical and working direct physical with and as myself to release self dishonesties in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there are no 'entertainment' times - there are no 'skips' or 'breaks' from process as all moment as me are equal as all dishonesties as the only preference what I take is of self-definitions according to my delusions about 'importance', referring to some points as 'very important' to 'not important' for instance to be self-honest with my partner is very important but to absolutely self-honest at my workplace is less important, what is bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not expressing myself by judging my expression within the starting point of 'not good enough' instead of realizing that physical expression must be developed what is through consistent expression through time but if I do not express - I will not be able to change and then I will remain judging of what I do not express instead of express and express and trust self unconditionally all ways here.

[EMS]From Multinational corporation lobbied EU POLITICS to an Equal Money System

2011-07-05T12:44:00.001+02:00

[EMS]From Multinational corporation lobbied EU POLITICS to an Equal Money System

I found two articles in a Hungarian newspaper while I was waiting for the doctor so I started to translate it to show up the surrealism of corporate interest because of money.

Recently Multinational corporations were mentioned within EU parliament about they deliver products with less quality. There is no obligation for the corporations to sell the same products in Europe with the same brand name - stated out Frèderic Vincent, as spokesman of John Dalli, who is responsible for health care and consumerism politics.

He stated out that while corporations keep the regarding rules of labelling and security , then the same branded can be sold with different ingredients with diffrerent prices.
Until they come with rational reasons, for instance adjustment of the food because of the regional taste based on market research - consumer-defender lawyers can not do much as the law is protecting the big dominant multinational corporations. If the cheaper production and income-maximization is the goal then that is questionable only ethically. Consumers what can do is not buying the product.
............
The Bulgarian agriculture minister, Miroslav Najdenov stated out that it is "abnormal" that this dual measurement is in the EU for the food products.

Najdenov has been requested to lower his temperament and stop the fighting by Nyikolaj Mladenov, the Bulgarian minister of public affairs, in the fear of lobbies of multinational corporations would oppose these attacks.

The two articles were like this in Hungarian and the message is obvious: money.
Even the EU parliament do nothing when abuse is in move, because the power what they have can influence or influence whole countries. The law is like the history, written by blood - and the blood is money.
We must understand that each and every single coin is of this blood, within the current monetary system is each currency flows throughout the whole system wherein groups of power has been formed what direct the current of physical manifestation of the Human System.
It is more than obvious that these groups do not represent interest for What is Best for All. The survival-ism and biological reasoning for the capitalism to exist and constantly expand within the mesmerizing shining of consumerism for the profit is absolutely not sustainable. The price what people pay for all of this shit is being payed by those who have no monetary power to protect themselves from the direct life-opposing behavior of the current money system.
The elite is breeding their own so called premium quality food for instance in private lakes with "bio"-fish because they know that the chemicals what the regular fish contain is getting more and more toxic from all the shit what the water is getting contaminated by in the name of profit and greed - and if specific companies are being questioned - their lawyer says - that is legal by the law, sorry. Even they can say for the consumers that's why the product is so f***in cheap because they spare the expenses of taking care of their shit or the research of producing within a greater perspective.
The so called average people as individuals can not oppose these multinational banks, corporations because the law, the money what they own protect their interest of greed.

What we can do, each and every single human being is that accumulate impact and directive power within the practical understanding of simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2. We can form a group wherein we take responsibility for all and find practical solutions wherein we can make sure that the way of life as we express do not exclude the ones who are lack of money because this is unacceptable.

We must form a group wherein we support our neighbor as ourselves at least on the physical level - we must re-align the meaning and value of money based on LIFE.

We must form this group wherein we can make sure we stand shoulder by shoulder as Equals, realigned within the physical with the principle of What is Best For all.

Walking as Equals based on PRINCIPLE - we can create a new paradigm within the current financial system and accumulate power by the simple realization that Life is who we really are and practically create a new system wherein we make sure that we do not accept harm against life.

That's why we propose Equal Money System - a new system within the current money system - it is possible - I've seen communities wherein they make their own money to protect themselves as a group from the 'Global Human Money System' to try to create something like equality already but there was not this principle agreed equally - there must be an education and self-development and the practical understanding of the mathematical equation to make sure that we do not allow ourselves to deceive anymore. Each and every single member of the group must take full responsibility for the group and for the individuals equally: All as One as Equal as the Group as Life must be Lived and in order to that we must change ourselves within from the starting point and that's why we urge every one to start BLOGging, VLOGging, to share self-realizations, to share self-dishonesties to develop Self-honesty and do this within consistency - because one must stand first to be considered as the part of the group - because otherwise the individuals who can not walk as Equals are in fact danger for the group. That's why this starts with Desteni education, it starts with Locating ourselves within the current system to not run away but ground ourselves within the current abusing system and re-align ourselves as principle as All Life and start releasing ideas of excuses and justifications of why do we not change because in fact each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of this earth.

Desteniiprocess is a course where one can FACE SELF and realize what has accepted and allowed as individual within the system of the system and by applying the tools one can realize the gravity of the situation wherein we are as humanity what requires a new generation, a new leadership who are standing by and as the principle of Life moment by moment, day by day, year by year and by that they first must EARN TRUST within the group. And for and as SELF - one must accumulate SELF-TRUST as LIFE.

When I found Desteni for instance, I was full of deception - great intentions for saving the world but much confusion I was pushed down by and Self-dis-empowerment by the hopes, fears, delusions - I was unable to accumulate power even for supporting myself only financially - but as I started to write, as I started to comprehend what Self-honesty means, how to forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within - I realized - I can accumulate Self-will, Self-honesty, Self-intimacy and develop an ability what with I can directly see within the moment what is self-dishonesty/self-deception and how to practically letting it go because my ego is participating within maintaining a system based on Self-interest and that is my responsibility to STOP and explore practical solutions to find a way to be able to expand our directive power to stop poverty, to stop hatred, war, genocide, abuse against nature, our nature.

My intent was to change the world, to make it better as I do not like it if I look into myself - I see that the abuse for the people is for me as well - I can not separate myself from the world, from other beings really - only I can make myself busy with chasing entertainment, desires for moment by paying it with $$$ - but I found that I can not participate within any currently existing '-ism' because they are of consciousness systems, they are infected by the idea of separation(spiritualism, buddhism etc). By walking Desteniiprocess - if one is facing self without excuses and releasing the trust within the mind as thoughts, feelings emotions: - I can guarantee that by simple common sense - anyone can realize the deception within any spiritual or religious or any other 'way'. And what we call emotions, feelings, systems of thought reactions - are not Life - are programmed expressions and they come and go and we are in the middle of it and we can not be even for a hour the same person but of this Mind Conscious System personality matrix manifestations what is the real schizophrenia - when we do listen the silent voices within our head, when we are directed according to chase or avoid energetic experiences within our body for instance the feeling of love or joy - and in fact this so called love is just one more arrogant attempt to dominate our direct reality around us to get what we want based on the fears what we are growned up by and as. This is unacceptable. Once the veil is dropped, once the red pill of self-honesty is realized - it's like there is no turning back but Push Self to Perfect ourselves wherein we can create a perfect system wherein each can be equally supported.

If one can walk the Desteniiprocess - one can realize why Equal Money System - and start to accumulate directive power to stand within and as the group and develop practical skills what is required within the current money system to change it from within as ourselves.

So I suggest, check out Equal Money System - anyone can be part of it, it is still forming and measuring and reaching people and it is not a valid excuse that this never worked before because how we can be so sure unless we try? It's like my neighbor is raping his child and I do see it every day and I do not go there and stand up and at least to try to say that 'STOP' because of the fear of WHAT? - we must push ourselves beyond our currently perceived limitations and STAND UP FOR AND AS LIFE unconditionally.

One more point:

I've searched for Najdenov, I've found a sentence here what I only quote from here.

"Regarding your second question, this is one of the proposals which we made and sent to Parliament and the Council on the reform of the CAP - for greater justice and equality, which does not mean mathematical equality, because there are differences among the member states. But we cannot continue applying various principles to the old and the new member states"

Fascinating.

Okay - so from EU politics to Equality - I vote for an Equal Money System wherein each can have the basic requirement for living such as food, shelter, health care, proper education(not as the government does currently).

Important to realize: I Walk, I push, I direct, I stop, I forgive, I change, I express

2011-06-29T01:21:00.003+02:00

This is very important to realize every fucking single human - that this we must understand - that even after years of participation within Process - there is nothing what will go by itself - if I do not push as the full of myself - as the DIRECTION, the WILL as SELF HERE - to change and STOP all Self-deceptions without even considering 'that' is 'that' - I as Consciousness will not give up simply by forces.

Forces I mean forces from outside - from my partner, from desteni members, from Farm members from Bernard from the Portal or a screaming racoon - there is nobody else than myself I must align with and AS the Living Principle and PUSH and act.

Because it is obvious that I want to stop, I want to change - if anyone could ask me at any time - this would be the answer.

Because I already got it - but to realize - means to PHYSICALLY EXPRESS the STOP, the CHANGE.

And the 1+1=2 simple mathematical equation is the most difficult thing what one must understand for this - no more complicated thing is required. It's that simple.

I've decided to check Desteni out, because I was not satisfied with myself, with the world, I was looking for an answer.

Then as I started to study Desteni - I've realized that the tools are here and I can start to apply for myself. Then I've decided to give a try, to start writing about my past, to start writing Self-forgiveness, to start writing Self-Corrective Statements about what Change I WILL myself to become here within and as the Physical.

For instance about my previous post - my dishonesty regarding to women - I was who realized that when Bernard told me that 'Tala, get a girl' - was simply a suggestion to support - what I can do or not do.
And I decided to do. And then I approached girls without consideration, and then it did not work. Then I started to decide to re-align myself and learn from my perceived mistake. And then I pushed myself again and years passed and I am still here and pushing myself and this time this girl gets something from the Agreement and One and Equal princpiple and assisting me to see what I've programmed myself to unable to see. Then what she is saying - I can say that 'it's bullshit', 'so fucking what?' - and it happened at first time and at the second time and at the fucking third time - but as she is keep saying it - I check my reactions - there are the same reactions when she is saying it - so then I see - is this really true? Is my self-definition is so strong that I define myself as 'X' and in fact in and as the physical I act as 'Y'?

Then if I am unable to see - if I am unable to experience myself how I act - and why - then I write. I write and then I write it until everything about this point is here at front of me - until inside is empty - and when I write everything down here as myself - then I am able to see - while I write it down I allow myself to open to realize what I am participating within, what I am still responsible for - and in fact what I still allow as self-dishonesty.
And then it is obvious that this I must stop.

It is in fact irrelevant of what points come up - if the point is to want to hug camels at midnight at the Antarctica - then that is the point what I am possessed into and as - and that point I investigate, face, forgive that I've accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with and simply STOP.

When I realize - I am here - I do not need to choose - I do not need to decide where to go - I simply realize that I am here as the physical location and as the moment as breath as the birthing myself as Life - then anything comes up - into me I see - is this really life? Is this in fact supporting all equally? Is this who I can stand as Infinity within absolute constancy and consistency?
And if not - then I realize - the Self-dishonesty is here and I am here - and I check what is the self-definition through I separate myself from the point - from my existence as reality - and why I still participate within such thing.

The point comes up - HERE - I do not 'go' after the point - I am simply Here and I simply see the point within myself coming up HERE - so then I deal with it - and I investigate, I forgive, I push and I script myself up within writing, within Self-Corrective statements to STOP the point as myself undefined.

Then I am HERE again - and then the next point is here so then I deal with that point as myself and all points - within me - I embrace, I stop, I re-align myself with and as HERE and I simply act within the principle of 'What is best for all?' by considering my current location, by considering my current understanding of how things I see and experience.

Then I push - and if I do judge the point - if I do judge myself regarding to the point - I fall into the twisted trap of my own self-created dishonesty because my judgment is based on a previous judgment within myself what is in fact based on fear - what if I could 'clearly' investigate - I would realize that: that point is Self-dishonesty, that point is of Self-deception.
So then I let go of that definition.
I write Self-forgiveness. I voice Self-forgiveness as the words. Word by word I resonate as the Sound Expression as Words what I release - what I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

And I say Self-forgiveness aloud, I express Self-forgiveness in every way possible - to make sure that within my reality - I do not let 'backdoor' wherein I can 'fall' back into the participation of Self-dishonesty. So I make sure that I do not compromise my Self-will by default. Because then I will manifest timeloop within what I might give possibility, I might give hope - what with I can not stand as Infinity. Otherwise I might participate within the specific current Self-dishonesty - and then I would manifest it and then I would realize it again and I would recognise that in fact I wanted this to stop and I did not stop - then I clearly see that my Self-forgiveness was not effective. Then I have no chance - I must start it again.

This application - if one makes the decision - in a way is like a skill - what one can develop by only Walking the process.
Self-honesty can not be given - and can not be taken away - this is where Real Self can start to birth by and as Self. Within and as the Physical.

This is the act of Creation as humans refer as 'God'.

Applying Self-forgiveness if applied within the Physical - is the Living God as Self as Life as the Physical.

Each one must understand that - by understanding the accumulation of 1+1=2 - I push and then I push and then I direct and then I state and then I Express, I Realize, I share, I forgive, I change, I re-align, I Move, I Direct, I Walk - and the accumulation - if the Starting point is One and Equal with and as Self Here - then there is nowhere to fall - because the perception of 'falling' - is simply Facing Self Here.

Then Self Facing Self Here as the Unification of man as I am.
And if each and every single human being is standing within this Constant, Stable Physical Realization - then in fact - the Unification of Man is Here.

Exposed: My story about women: Desires, Fears, Self-dishonesties what I STOP

2011-06-29T00:11:00.009+02:00

My partner started to reflect back how I behave especially with women.
I write about the points what so far we've been facing.
She told me that my attitude is that I try to use each and every single opportunity to please and touch and influence women to create sexual context.
My point of view is that this is ridiculously exaggerated - and at first times she started to share with me how she experiences this - I was rejective, I reacted with neglect and even with verbal aggression.

After a few times we played this out - as somehow some specific woman tend to prefer to spend time with me wherein sharing some intimate experiences, point of views, opinions, memories etc - and indeed I've discovered some self-dishonesty points within my application. I will mark some points with a (!) what obviously I see as a point of self-compromise based on memory/fear.

My partner, S. also told me that I still can not release my first girlfriend('wife') in mind, who with I was with about almost 7-8 years ago(at least on paper we married and after about 4 years spent together - we split and divorced).
As we ended that relationship - we had issues with each other but after a while - and after 2007 as I've started Self-forgiveness, I've faced her and we met regularly until I was not satisfied with my inner reactions towards her(!).

So she me that with my first girlfriend I am still attached to and the proof is that when recently she just came back from abroad, I met with her quite soon.

So - I will write about my experiences and memories regarding to women as well and how I deceived myself with this point - how I behave with women and when and how and why I do compromise my consistence within remaining Self-honest by desires and fears.

Sometimes within this document - I write about points not directly related to 'women' - about for instance drugs, spirituality - these will make the 'story' longer but I will still remain within this 'context'.

After hearing of I am obsessed with women - the first Self-definition point what I see within me is the following:
Before I came together with my first 'real' relationship('girlfriend', 'wife', we lived together) - she rejected me for almost a year - and I did cry a LOT when my approach to come together with her obviously failed - the cry occured last time - and in that point I felt so much hurt within myself - because all my starting point was of her - and I threw away everything else as starting point and when she said that she does not neeed me - I was nothing, I was of zero, I was walking dead. And within that cry I've decided not to suffer from women anymore. Literally, it was a principle what I clearly wanted to lay down within my existence that 'because of women, I will not suffer again' - that was the last time when I did cry, about in 1999-2000. Crying as for instance mostly women and children do(! lolol) with great ease - somehow that is off.
Then she went to the US for a time and I went into depression. I started to drink heavily, punkrock concerts, stagediving, self-destruction, touching alcoholism(when reached the point of after 2-3 bottles of wine I still felt 'sober' - I've changed to short drinks for instance gin, some bitter shorts etc). Okay this was a process to reach this point but meanwhile there was an other event - what I already wrote in a blog post in about 2007 - when I was extremely sick and I had almost 42c fever for days and I almost died and I had an experience of out of body while perceiving my body and others being busy to bring down my body temperature in order to not letting me fade away. So there was this girl who was nestling me literally unconditionally, like mother or sister, Erika, she really assisted me without a blink. After deciding to remain in this world, I became better and I started to release my depression because of my unresponsed love.

Meanwhile still walking down on the hill of alcoholism, I was with a young girl who I knew from MUD(telnet-based text-multi-player roleplay game) and we married in the game then we met and we did drink alcohol and then we did sex.
I was so enthusiastic about here is a real girl who I can do sex with - I remember at the kitchen of the dormitory I was trying to lick her pussy but somehow the taste of her body was so intense, so 'raw' - that I almost did vomit - but by the strong want to have sex, I could overcome even the smell of her body what I never really liked. Not that she was stinky, but somehow that was I guess, not my 'taste' - yet mentally I was able to override this within me, so we came together. But she was 17, virgin, sometimes literally hysteric, so it was not really 'boring'. After a while we learnt how to do sex, we did it in secret from her family, but honestly - the sex thing was what pulled me into this - and yes, the other point was she adored me.

We agreed on that if one of us would not 'love' the other anymore, then we must end our relationship. But as 'love' as I 'had' that who I did cry for before - I never had - in fact I never wanted again, so it was ok, but in a way I never really 'loved' her. She was in some sort of religious high-school from me about 200 Km, she was in this black metal, black clothes thing while she hated religion and priests - and I found myself in 'distance-relationship' - we met about 2-3 days in 2 weeks for about 8 months. At the end I guess I got bored and I started to enjoy that her older sister started to show up her interest to me and my girlfriend had these jealousy frenzies what we enjoyed with her sister - but nothing happened.
In one day, I told to my girlfriend that I do not love her anymore, we should end it right now - then she was crying for long hours and I did regret that I said that, even I could be with her again if I could undo that - but there was no way back.

After that, my big love who I cried for the last time came back from US and told me that she realized, she wants me, and I was really surprised and we came together. I did not believe in her for months, I was waiting for the moment in fear when she would say that this was just an other psychological test(her 'profession'). But she wanted me so much, so it was then officially a relationship.
In a way that's why I do not take any of my 'interest' within woman seriously unless it's constant for months.(!)

So, when I was in this relationship some years ago - with my first 'love' - I never could imagine other woman with me than her - in that time I never 'felt', I never wanted to 'have' other women - however I've spent quite time with other girls at the University - many times I did drink with them, even sometimes we slept in the same bed - but I never consciously thought even the possibility to 'cheat' my partner in that time - about in 2000. I was even proud of that, that I am 'straight' in that and I liked myself for that - After about two years - there was one specific girl, who I mentioned that assisted me when I was sick, Erica - who was always very kind with me and in fact that my 'girlfriend' reacted towards her with extreme jealousy - because somehow I always referred to her as my beloved sister and my girlfried hated that - but with Erika nothing has happened really except I had this unconscious attraction towards her what I never felt to need physically experience - I really felt like she was my second 'sister'.

There were issues when she was also pulled into situations of sexual temptations - and I was jealous like hell - and with alcohol - I was really fucked up in that time - one day I remember I was literally heading the brick wall really strong to get rid of the extreme mental and emotional pain of jealousy. And it was clear that my girlfriend liked me to manipulate me with the point of other men, for instance with the ones with big muscles - as I am a thin guy - and I was enormously frustrated and developed a resonant jealousy and hate within me towards men with muscles - what years later I could release only.
My roommates from the dorm never really liked my girlfriend as they always said that she was fucking my brain but I always told them 'you never could understand this'. She was not evil, she was just screwed up by definition coming from a deeply religious family wherein she was the 'black-sheep' within the family because she did not live literally like a nun.

Many scars we gathered together what we never could directly face or discuss, not even stop - in a way, I perceived that like somehow 'I am living faster than the people around me' - I was living with my girlfriend in an apartment and I felt like I am married since 30 years - and it was really heavy. She really assisted me in a way - financially, phychologically etc... I remember before we met - I barely could speak with women - I was afraid to even look into the eye of a woman without having my face being red - and I could not directly speak. That's why alcohol she gave me to be able to speak with me. I could write a full-blown book only about that 4 years of university, but here I bring up one more important point and then I will focus onto the 'women and relationship' again:
One day she gave me a book "A rainbow of consciousness" by Feldmár Andrew.
It was about rebirth, how we are fucked by our parents, family and how with LSD, DMT we could re-experience the moment of innocence and emptyness and by pushing ourselves through birthing again - we can start over. Or at least for me this was the message and I've read that book 3 times. But in that time I never considered drugs. But that was one point what took me and my mind absorbed it without much notice. Within my relationship we did less sex already, we built up a distance between us, I did not liked that there were places within 'her life' where she never allowed me to go - for instance her drawer she hated when I even opened that and I felt like I am abused by being with her but not sharing everything unconditionally. Of course I did not need her panties, but it was a symbol - and then I screwed with her simply opening her drawer and poking her stuff and singing 'lalalalalalala' while enjoying her screaming like hell. We knew that we screwed up our 'big love' but we could not help, we wanted to end yet we did not wanted to end.

After some years, when I've finished university - I've moved to Budapest and in that time I've started to 'experiment' the so called psyhedelic drugs. For that time our relationship was already in severe trouble as we did not live together anymore(she remained in Debrecen city for a year more to finish University) and we did not speak frankly+directly and we allowed our feelings and emotions to direct us, so the end was in a way inevitable. However we married on paper for her 'green card' - and we lived together at several places. But it did not work really so we finally split.

After that - I did not even wonder about women for a while because I built up an other relationship with LSD, with mushroom, with hash etc... In a way, the stuffs blew my mind but somehow I persuaded myself that it's like with computers - I am directing, and there is absent of this social context wherein I was always lost since childhood.
With my girlfriend, our relationship was not ended in 'harmony' - we always had argues and as I remember now - I already started to watch and wonder about other women - but still never could imagine to physically express this. I've started to suppress these 'feelings' in about 2002-2003. So then we 'officially' ended our relationship and I was living alone.

After a while - I've realized that I am alone - I do not have girlfriend - so I started to define myself as 'alone' - not only as 'lonely as myself' but as 'open for women'.
However his openness excluded even the possibility for a new 'relationship' with another girl - as I made myself obviously clear about what we did with my girlfriend - was not really 'healthy' from the perspective of self-development for the long term. So I've judged relationship according to our 'just finished' relationship. Fuckedupness, pink bubble, selfishness, ego-playout, dependency, habit, hideout, pretending, self-doubt, fear are the words what come up from that point.

After that there were phases when I stopped pushing the acid like hell(mostly when literally touching the constant experiences of schizophrenia of endless mental dimensions and facing direct physical rudeness of my existence)- and in a degree in these time frames - my 'normally operating' mind melted together for being able to state out - I need woman.

So then I was able to see that I am missing woman, especially by suppressed sexual desire.
For a while I met with girls through Internet-dating sites. That was very hectic. Mostly I went to meet violently stoned, smoking one-three giant sips from the bong and then I've experienced extreme resistance to go out to the street and go into the mass transit, the subway - many times I've literally fell apart within and in a way, from some unnamed perversion, I liked this - to literally walking through this resistance step by step what came so intensely that I had to push myself physically to finally meet with 'the' girl.
In fact nothing really happened in these occasions - about 5-10 times I did this - except that the most direct ones told me that I am crazy at the utmost degree - then I realized that doing this is bullshit.

I was in the middle of my 'dark ages' when I did push psychedelics as much as I could - very rarely I came across with girls who were a bit similar to me - not only the attitude - but probably about the self-dishonesties within too.
So then specific girls somehow started to be attracted towards me - and I was almost outside from me by the drugs and my strong desire to 'fly' - and when I experienced physical touch with a girl - somehow I was almost pulled into situations where I was directed by my desires and strongly influenced by girls. Not much girls, about 2-3 I can count throughout these years.

But the meaning of this was that I've found myself to be defined by myself that "I do not run after women, they should come at me if they really want something."
And I liked that - by that self-definition I did not need to wander much within myself regarding to women - I am simply as I am and if a woman wants me, then she can fish me out of the chaos. Also it was like I am the great Tala who for women come haha shit.

So I've defined myself 'alone' - in the situation wherein I do not need to focus to one girl - but I can touch more than one if I can - but I could not - as I did not do anything for that - it was an other self-definition - that I can 'play' with multiple women as I am currently not in a relationship. It was a suppressed desire.

In fact nothing really happened - at occasions, women approached me - and almost always - I rejected them but not directly - mostly simply sneaking away when I could and then they probably got it.

But most of the time - I was so fucking busy with overwhelming my brain with acid and salvia and mushroom and hash, that probably I was not the one that women strive for within the current human system.

In that time I was already playing with tibetian buddhism - okay, how I got into that: Because I practiced Aikido and the Sensei told me that I should read Buddha - so I've read many sutras from the buddhist scriptures and at one night I was very sick and I had a dream about a foggy shining form what was saying some mystic syllabes and I felt myself miracoulously I was cured. Or at least I perceived like that - what really happened I never could clarify directly. But in that time I did not use much common sense - I was absolutely driven by my childhood prorgramming through family, school, hollywoodoo movies and my fears - so by influences from outside - I was literally directed within the Matrix by my nose.

Back there I was not able to comprehend that dream - it was something very strange, mystical and intense. However I was reading through multiple dozens of new age/spiritual/zen/buddhist books and I've found definition of a buddha aspect chenresig, the compassion form of the buddhas, and it's blahblah: om mani padme hung. So then That I identified with my dream and I was very keen to define myself to be invited by this buddha form into the Tibetan buddhism. So I started to walk into that shit without a blink.

I had one-two mates who with we've pushed our mind with the hippie drugs already within great velocity, so together we approached one of the western buddhist flagship group, the Kagyu lineage of Tibetian Buddhism, with Karmapa, Lama Ole.
I do not go into the details about that - but in that time we experienced many energetic overwhelming experiences regarding to meetings and 'lectures' and 'initiations' and ceremonies, so very soon we've joined into the 'group' and started to make ourselves familiar with the practice. Before that I've practiced the Zen sitting and watching and 'allowing the mirror of the lake to become smooth by releasing the thoughts desires feelings' but somehow these always came back when I stopped the focus on the 'inner silence' - I was able to suppress these by my enormous want to get rid of my shit - but after I stood up and walked with people again - I was lost again. I needed something else. That's why I was very opened to the Tibetan shit, that's why it attracted me because it gave me hope.

So there I've met S., my current partner - but in that time we did not come together - I've wrote about that already in some of my previous blog posts in the last years - but slowly I've started to show up the pattern of 'love' regarding to her - what I previously walked through with the conclusion of 'avoidable'.

But she was different in a way than my ex-wife - from my perspective it was one level up as her intent was apparently very similar to mine, to reach the full enlightenment and buddhahood and all of this lolness agenda.

By walking with her in Asia - we did not come together - we were such great egos that we could not yield from our stubbornness.
Once we did sex and her boyfriend was very aggressive on the skype with her and I did regret what I've done to make her cheat with me - and then she felt like fell 'between two horses' - and she was really out of control, cried and approached me with bully and wanted to force me to stay with her and I could not take self-responsibility, my pink bubble of her beauty was off and I saw her as a 'normal human' and then I was not really interested in her. Yet she was still fucked up and she was sick and I just wanted to avoid her because I could not 'process' this clearly within me. We were in the middle of our Asian tour and I've forced myself to not travel with her anymore and I was with other hippies, Italians for instance in India etc. I just smoked tons at the gathering Kumbh Mela while by taking bath in the Ganga hoping that I will get rid of my karma. OMG WTF.

I've burnt myself again with the self-fuckedupness by definition according to women. So in that phase - I've again closed myself down from this part of existence.

And there were girls (almost typed 'grills' lol) who approached me, some even directly to just try out an 'one night stand' with me but I always slipped away. The intensity with I've closed myself down sexually was remarkable.

I could not handle direct communications, I could not handle when women who I am attached to not behave the way as I imagined or wanted to - then simply I was about to leave - to not even get close to face the same points wherein I've defined myself as 'fallen' already.
Also I've faced some near-death experiences, what were physical 'accidents' wherein in one moment I was able to release all my mindshit to physically act and literally save my ass from the certain death - in those moments - I was not aware of, but it happened: I released all my spiritual desires, dishonesties, and I was moving physical without any definition. However I fell again, I did smoke again, I was off money, I was alone, I was sick, I directly experienced the metal-claws of the Matrix about how it handles the ones who are off power(money, self-will). It was rude, raw, painful and extremely awakening. I came back home to lick my wounds and recover from weight-loss. I did not consider women really, I slipped down in the pyramid of maslow to the survival-ism. Who wants to fuck when death is knocking at the door?

Then at Budapest - I had Internet at the first time at my place and as I was alone - I started to watch sex movies, I mean porn. When I was a kid - I also did that - the videotapes of my grandpa I watched and made myself extremely excited when I was about 10-14.

So then on the internet - I've watched porn and masturbated for a while. I re-approached internet-dating sites and I had not much 'success' - so then I've tried out more direct sites wherein people were about to find sex partners directly.

I felt like they are the same as the 'normal-relationship-seeking-ones' but these are with less sugar-like bullshit - wanting to find a partner who with they can have sex. That was my approach as well - and who with I will enjoy sex - it maybe can expand into a 'relationship' - but mostly I was simply driven my penis. But I never did fuck on Internet-dating.
It was too raw, too alien, too much I could have to do in order to just get what I really want - to satisfy my needs - but this was not what I wanted. I wanted REAL beings, real touch, real intimacy - even when I had no idea what is that meanwhile my desires pulled into meetings with strange women - I was always sure that it(life) is not just meet with a stranger and fuck.
So when physically I've faced these girls - not that much, about a half dozen - I did not initiate sex - once with one girl we did oral play but after that I decided not to continue that.

After that I've found Desteni Videos on Youtube - that was very new paradigm, I've never met this kind of message. So I was into that for a while. And after a while - I've realized - I am fucked way beyond I even can determine from where I am - so I must walk out from my accepted self-deception. So I started Self-Forgiveness, I started writing down what I contain as Mind Consciousness System - to see what I've accepted and allowed and what I must stop inevitably within this lifetime. Because this is not who I really am.

From that point it was obvious that I am not ready for relationship, about 2007 october - I stopped consciously seeking woman for relationship.
I started to focus on Self, first to clean up the bullshit agendas - at least the most obvious ones, drugs, spiritual/buddhist/shamanist/new age things - for long months I was very busy to literally forgive and let go of myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously participating within mantras and definitions and energetic experiences of the mind as with these systems I've shielded myself from reality as excuses anyway. As once Bernard told something like that: 'when the shit falls into the ventilator: immediately everything is full of shit' - that kind of direct experience when once can realize the Process as Self. Nowhere to go - I am every Here - so I deal with the shit.
But in the beginning the decision is real only, the physical walk must be explored.

I still participated within Internet dating - not really, but sometimes the suppressed sexual desire simply was very strong and it was like a some sort of possession - and then I was looking for a woman who is more likely for me but not really found.

Then, after 1-2 years - I realized that I am still dishonest about the desire/sex/porn/suppression/fear points - so I've accumulated a decision to a point where I was able to clearly state out that I want a real, physical woman.

Somehow I still refer woman to 'girl' as it still indicates that I am resonantly still looking for woman who is behaving like a girl for instance by starting point or by feelings - because the girl is then maybe 'irresponsible' or 'can be manipulated' - great points.
So then I was trying to persuade one-two specific girls around me that Agreement is the way, come on, what are you waiting for?

The first one was really a point what I had to understand how and why I am resonantly being attracted to women who are obviously dishonest and not really want to change but manipulate and hide behind false images.

There were some intense months, when I realized that I was walking a path wherein I am not really within the supportive environment from the perspective of Self-Honesty. That girl(here referred as 'G' - never wanted to be with me but enjoyed to play with me and I was driven by my desires and dishonesties. So then I made the decision to stop meeting with her. For months the hope lasted and when the patterns of fuckedupness came up what I already walked in the past - I realized I stepped into shit again. So I stopped that.

Then, the next girl, who I was within some sort of relationship - it was sexual at last - but that was mostly about that and we could never directly discuss points - and she apparently liked the 'idea' of Self-Forgiveness and walk as equals but in practical - never did - and I had to realize that I was hoping and sometimes I was projecting some anger towards her(!) what was because I was accepting shit within myself.

Meanwhile I visited Desteni farm - what I wanted since 2007 but I had no money, I had no way out from the current job - but I was sure that one day I will be able to go and it was so.
It was really assisting to see how these humans walk as equals at the farm and not accepting shit. Also I saw and spoke with beings within Agreement(for instance Leila and Gian, Maite and LeslieJohn) wherein they support themselves and each other as equals and face the points of Self-dishonesty within a sexual relationship - that was I wanted to try by myself. Also it was great assistance to discuss with my Resonances about how I am socially still holding onto points from specific phases of my early life wherein I am still responsible for separation regarding to my inner experiences and the world outside as manifested Self-dishonesty. I must walk from the Matrix of Perfection into the Self-Perfection.
So when I came back from the farm I was telling her that agreement is cool, we should do that but not really happened...she had still feelings towards her ex-boyfriend and I judged her as she sometimes did drink a lot of alcohol and hated herself for days then deciding not to do so again and timelooping within that. Each of occurrence of this loop - we became more and more distant.
At the end of that - when we already 'barely did sex' - this relationship faded out smoothly - and at the end she wrote an email about she found her love and she wants to be 'intimately' only with her new partner, so that's it. After that for an hour I was agry, it was fascinating to see - how I was angry at her - but in fact - I was angry at myself because I gave into the hope again - the hope that it can work, and at the end - I was angry at myself. I literally had to forgive myself to release this energetic possession what I was silently compressed, suppressed according to my fears/desires/hopes regarding to the pre-definition of 'agreement'.(!)

So then it was finished - and I had to realize that from the beginning of this relationship - I was compromised by my 'want' and 'hope' for make this to an Agreement, however my starting point was not clear, my starting point was of desire.

So then, I've decided to refine my starting point again and not to judge my 'fall' - because I was driven by ideas and not practical, physical reality.

After that I met with S. again - who I was with in Asia. So then we were about to being attracted sexually - however still I was facing with serious resistances. Resistance towards her - because of the memories what we participated within our past in Cambodia about 3-4 years ago.
These resistances were so imminent that I realized - this is a great opportunity to walk through my self-created reality what is of definitions, what is of fears, what is of assumptions.

I've noticed that she's changed. She had to change because she had a little child and by that she is more 'physical' - she has to consistently support her kiddo day by day, she can not fly away that much as she did years before - so that is really supporting for a woman and she was able to use some common sense. I've defined her that she did not change much within - but within application - yes - and we were able to discuss points what we were unable years back there.

I wanted to meet with her and deal with my shit what I've created regarding to her - at least to make sure that when I will engage into a next approach to form an agreement from relationship- I will not bring my past and I will not re-manifest my already manifested self-dishonesty.

I also noticed that I still 'contain' sexual affection towards S regardless of my fears. Probably that and the 'feel' that we screwed up before and wanted to 'correct' it - brought us together again.

I approached her about this - but I was unable to simply start a 'relationship' with her without seeing the 'end of the tunnel' - so I said to her that my plan is to leave the country in about next summer - but until that we could try this new thing what I saw people are doing at Desteni farm: Agreement. She told me that it sounds cool and she never was with a guy who with she could discuss points directly and anyways I am a bit more attractive for her than I was back there in Asia.

So we started to 'walk together' - and in fact we did not discuss points until the outmost degree, we did not stated the starting points directly, we did not lay down the basic words what we agree on, she is also not ready to share herself in her Birth Name on the internet, she was obviously not applying Self-Forgiveness since a while, so I was concerned - but as I was able to deal with her already(not as before some years ago - I was able to - or at least I persuaded myself that I am able to directly say things to her and not yield from points what are principles of myself), so then I was able to say to her that I can engage with her to try to manifest an Agreement.
And at least - sexually we do not have to wonder and participate within fantasies.

But.

I was still meeting with the girl(G.) who I could not make a relationship with - I should refer them somehow because here I already mention a lot of woman and in fact it is quite a mess what I've created. So. G was S.'s friend and they meet quite often - also because of the buddhist agenda they participate together(the same where I met with them) - and they like each other.

So I met with G and while re-meeting with G - but already realized that not for relationship - for what then? This was a point where I could compromise myself with the point for instance: 'to face her and release the still existing self-dishonesties within me' - what I like to rephrase with ex-girlfriends(or ex-not-girlfriends) in order to meet with them. That should be investigated further more. So.

When I was meeting with S., at the beginning, G was often there - and my tendency was quite clear on the physical level - that I was still touching G more likely than S. - as in the beginning S. was of my past wherein we could not come along and she was 'more cool than' before - but I did not want to do something 'serious' with her.
But somehow when I met with G and S at the same time - all together they did not seem that 'dangerous'. Dangerous from my perspective. From the point of I could go into a frenzy about 'never wanting to have relationship with buddhist again' for instance - or 'never wanting to have a relationship with S.' - and 'never really wanting to build up a desire again towards G again - because it did not work practically'. So then somehow spending time with this two girls - I allowed myself to fall into the desire and I've manifested that physically like the following:

G likes guys wander around her and they please and excite her, verbally and physically, even a bit sexually but never going to the point of direct sex.
Touching, fondling, massaging, hugging and playing with words and just simply play around, going to party together, dancing and speaking.

At some point I was still mesmerized by her presence, by her body taste(Waist–hip ratio!), by her voice, by her attitude. And S. was also there, and I started to wonder about what if I also could play with her - as when I was with her alone - she was also opened in a way for me - and once she even stated that she could imagine to be with me and she also noted to me that she is more attracted to me since I am more directive.

So then as I've defined myself and my desires according to women - by the self-accepted definitions and informations - I started to notice that S. also wants the touch. I was high of this. I was not aware of this directly, I was not really wondering about how they really feel - I was simply using the opportunity and three of us played around, for instance did kissing together.
After that kissing - G went home, more precisely she went to meet with her new boyfriend - and I was with S..

Then we started to speak. Then we started to have sex. Then we spoke more and I've noticed that she is more stable than ever. What I noticed also that she is still holding onto the points what we faced in Cambodia 4 years ago - but I could handle it. I could speak to her directly and I could bring up points what she got. At least I perceived like that.

So then after a couple meetings together three of us - G did not show up that much - she started to fall into her usual 'very busyness' - she was lost within her tasks and duties and work and school etc - and her new boyfriend - so we did not meet that much - or if so - then we directly went to a party two of us then we spoke and did massage and dance for instance. But I noticed that my desire - my want her for sex - my strive for touching her - was not really present anymore - I started to be satisfied with S. and with our application and with my intent to introduce Agreement within our speak, within our discussion, within our application.
What was really assisting to realize - that sometimes I stil 'had' the need to please her - in fact to please myself with her - but sometimes not - and after some events - I realized the truth - that in fact it is MY DECISION - but I was not honest with myself within my applications - that always I decide what I participate within. Obviously I was not directly aware of the beginning of 'not wanting to please with G' - that in fact I decided not to - but not directly, but by the accumulation of 1+1=2. Then I realized - I can decide anything - then I can walk myself into my decision as reality - and then by walking - I can face myself - is that direct physical - or still based on energetic waves? Anyways - I stopped wondering about G as I had no desire for 'woman' - because I experienced it with S.

So it happened like that - S. sometimes noted that she is not absolutely happy about when three of us met that I was more likely focusing to G - but I said to her that if it is a problem, then say so, and then she answered that it is not a problem. At least she wanted equal attention in these times. That was the beginning of our relationship.

Probably by 'simply' 'alone' I could never imagine myself to engage into a 'relationship' with S. - but at the beginning G was here and by her 'sugarlike/cheesey/sweet/honey-like' attitude - my 'edgyness' was reduced and I was not full of walls regarding to anything about S..

So we then 'officially' came together - G I did not see for months - and I was with S..

I've noticed some points from my past what directly came up and I've allowed it. For instance I've smoked again. Yes, after 3 years no smoking, after deeply realizing how I fucked myself up with that in long term - somehow I was tempted by the stuff and then for weeks I was resisting the stuff to smoke - but in fact I made the opportunity to have some - and I lied to myself - 'for a guy who visited me from abroad' - and when that guy came and he said that 'he was full of that shit in the last months and he does not want to smoke' - the stuff remained - and then for weeks I was fighting the inevitable. I've smoked. For one-two occasions I even would not judge myself - but I did more so.
And meanwhile I was meeting with S. - with the stuff I guess I was armoring, pacing myself - or at least my ego.

At that point I was conscious about I am walking shit again - but I compromised my walk by allowing any excuse for the fact that I am walking with a partner who directly expressed that she is curious the desteni material, the self-forgiveness, the Agreement as she is fed of the sneaky bastards who she was with in the name of 'relationship' wherein she even allowed abuse by the guys. She also wanted change and it was clearly true.
In that point I did not consider her starting point - I did not consider myself within the 'shoes' of her - and I did not consider my desires and my fears according to relationship.

I did not give myself fully into that - I was 'just meeting with her' - I was 'just' speaking with her and I was 'just' having sex with her meanwhile stating to her that 'Let's manifest an Agreement' - while I did not focus onto points what came up - for instance the self-suppression by smoking when fear comes up - so I've manifested a timeloop.
Also another self-compromise point what I allowed and I must make sure I will not deceive myself by this again is the following:
-I realized I am slipping, but directly I did not FACE MYSELF to dig out immediately as moment - as I've accepted the resonant FEAR to realize the self-dishonesty what I allow within myself - so the excuse was this:
'I do not exactly know/understand/realize the 'nature' or the 'core' of this dishonesty, so I dare myself to make mistake and I trust myself, so I will learn from this shit anyways...'.(!) No comment, fascinating - this kind of dishonesty I already walked before some times and this is the first time I can write it down.

Meanwhile I was still meeting with an other woman, for my second job, at this point since one and half year - she was the one who gave the job, in a way 'principal/contractor' and I enjoyed to meet with her even regarding to the job - and I was not directly aware of she could imagine me as her partner - I did consider her and I did consider her as my possible partner for agreement - but that girl stated out several times that she wants 'family', 'love', 'house in the country', 'children' and that kind of life. And I judged that kind of way extensively - because I've came from that - or at least what people call like that and I directly experienced this as a catastrophe.

I did not initiate sex with her - but we did meet in a spa, we did huggings, fondlings, speaking about intimate things - and I was not directly clear about I do not want her - it was like I did not want to fuck with her, because it could mean I am dishonest, because I was afraid to engage her in relationship - but anything else then can occur - because as 'cheating' - I 've defined fuck only and anything else is still cool, I am still self-honest if I even excite or allure another woman.

In fact this woman in a way is that kind of programmed definition of 'beauty' within me - pure hollywood stuff - long curly dark hair, the perfect Waist–hip ratio, her voice etc - I was mesmerised by her presence and by her attention towards me. Not much that I could go into an obsession/posession, but it accumulated and influenced me.

I also noticed that much assistance I get from her - the speaking, touching with her - was like intentionally melting down the ice of walls within my mind according to face women and open up and not fear to share and express. She sent me to contact dance, to get physical within touch and explore physical equality and balance with any partner in any moment - that she walks since years, so that I've defined as very cool.

Yet I could not try to even approach her directly with the idea of we may could try to be together - and I was aware of she will not do the first step, so it was cool, I had nothing to 'fear' from walking into serious fields wherein I could fail as I did in the past. So sometimes I simply expressed myself with her regardless of desire, no urge, no mask, then I experienced this attraction towards her, then it was gone. I liked that, I experienced some 'space' within me without the direct experience of fear from 'falling into a relationship wherein I am not in directive principle'.

Meanwhile 'I came together with S' and met with this woman(girl), and(lol) also an other girl slept at my place and I also did fondling and naked sleep with her - and I fell into the desire and I toucher her - and again - I did not fuck with her - it was almost too much and with her we in fact realized it was too much - we do not do that again and this was cool - but then something 'more than touch but less than fuck' happened again.

What I realized when I started my process that all the temptations of the mind I must walk unwaving - and there is one temptation for me - here - is this temptation from women, sexual temptation - not even the sex directly - to swirl around specific pieces of skins of the body in order to electrify quick or long-term energetic rushes - it's not even about that - but how I define myself according to women. 'Of course' I've managed to manifest some sort of sexual addiction within me - but I always was aware of that death will come one day and in one blink we are no more - and also that fact that each women will almost literally rot in alive while reaching the age of 60-70-80 years - so from the perspective of 'time' - for me it was always 'easy' to release that 'obsession' with 'beautiful women' - because I blink a thousand or ten thousand more and this beautiful body will be saggy and weak, shaking and sick, ugly and stinky - so fucking what? But this idea of power and about women what with I've allowed myself to fuck myself up.
So when I Started Process in 2007 - I realized I will be tempted with women extensively and I must walk the talk of Self-honesty and one of my 'points' is of this - but this came so fast that I did not realize that I am already within this phase of being tempted even sexually by a half dozen of women.

And my partner, S. told me that she is not really hell-like about that I resonantly play alpha-male, she simply said that I am sneaking around women again and again, and at least I should take Self-responsibility about these things and these women who I give hope and then in fact not stand by and with them. Not even speaking about 'MY' 'Agreement' with her.

Meanwhile I was pushing her points what I was seeing on her - and I directly asked her to push me by my points, even by this 'obsession with women' - to get the reflection of what I physically am and of - that's why I wanted to Walk Agreement - to get the points what I can not see - what I do not want to realize by myself.

So then sometimes when she pointed out that she is experiencing that I still behave with women as I am open - regardless of her presence or her notes. It's like this constant obsession of needing to assert to myself that I am needed for women.

And meanwhile I still allowed myself to smoke - and when I was simply tired or I was not really 'up to' meeting S. - I smoked, I played with computer for instance Call of duty Black ops for some hours - then "ahh shit, it's 20:00 already, I want to face her and I simply pushed myself into rushing to 'meeting with her'" and 'just' see what will happen.

It happened like this for some times - and around this point was when I stopped vlogging blogging for some months. I wanted to do so - but I was full of self-accepted self-dishonesty.

After some time I started to be really fed up about my dishonesty - and I told this to S. - in fact I was still doing VLOGs and some writings - but I simply judged it as myself as shit and I simply deleted or considered as 'not really supportive' for sharing as I could not stand by the starting point of these expressions.

When I saw the microexpressions on my face in a vlog - what I directly could define as 'irritation', 'anger' and 'confusion' - I made the decision to stop smoking and open this up directly with my partner S. and start to write about it directly and start to accumulate Self-Will to stand up from Self-dishonesty.

At the moment I've decided to do so - I immediately experienced quite a relief - from the burden what I manifested and what I carried - but it's still within me and when I am not directly breathing HERE - it is influencing me in such a degree that I am still participating within self dishonesty.
I realized - again - that I must accumulate Self-direction, Self-will, Self-honesty by starting over from 'scratches' - no way I could remain as Infinity as I am at the moment, so I push.

Meanwhile S. was still telling me that I do look very possessed about the women point and it looks like I still fear and I still want to prove something or want to avoid direct responsibility with my current partner.

And at moments I realized something about this -refractions, glimpses - but at occasions I simply neglected it and resisted and I attacked her with my favourite point within our relationship: that she is still participating within tibetian buddhism - she is still hoping and doing absolute shit instead of acting within Self-honesty.

She was quite fed off my stuff and myself as well - and then as I was telling her that I do not accept shit for a long time, she told the same - and then I started to release this ego-shield - what I developed as excuse-system within and as my mind to not needing to realize what I am still participate within myself from the starting point of Self-dishonesty.

Then I've started to accumulate decision within my writing and investigate through writing again and again about the points and then I've noticed that she is right - and I want to have multiple women - because somehow I am not satisfied with the one - and I even remember for stating out that there are two-three women around me that all of them together if we could come along - would make the perfect relationship for me. So then that simple sacred geometry triangle information system I've defined as myself. And by that self-definition I have aligned myself with and as this information within my expressions without a blink, without even considering the women who I was 'thinking about' to - in fact - have them for me. LOL. And of course never wanting to stand with them as equals as me with taking full responsibility - so it was not really Life.

As I write this down - it is obviously not Self-Honesty within action. But to stand up for the self-created resistances what I was not even aware of - about WHY I was unable to directly face this point within myself for a long-long time.

This I've noticed already that here is my partner and there are points - HERE are points what she is directly pointing out simply by speaking about it to me - and when she is saying that this is bullshit - I at times simply neglect or am unable to do anything about in the moment - and there are year-like seconds - time stops, I am here and there is no way to go anymore and then I realize - well - there is no more running - it is exposed.

Recently we also discussed the point of fear from 'infinite' placement of self within a relationship, within an agreement. My need of wanting to 'see the end of the tunnel' is of self-definition. I must release this within Self-honesty.

If I look at the issues what I 'bring' into my current relationship - it is already reduced - I can stop some points already - because of the supporting environment of our relationship what has been started to transform into an agreement.

The sex-based occupations what are of the mind such as suppressed desires, fantasies, porn - rarely still come up but I am not giving into that, I am not participating - even when I accidentally face such things - I notice that I am here, I breath - and I must be sure that I do not accumulate any slightest inner reaction toward these kind of expressions - because then I will be possessed again.

The fear from being within a relationship - is reducing at every time we meet - by realizing that I have nothing to fear - I am the directive principle of my life - in fact accumulating self-will to place myself into the active application of 'what is best for all'.

The sexual desires towards other women, especially the ones who I mentioned, who I still meet and who even sometimes express their interest and attraction towards me even sometimes not only by 'giving attention' but sometimes sexually - I must realize that I am in an agreement wherein I stick to the words with what we agreed on to walk this process - and that is more important than some temporally occupation within sex with somebody who I did not agree with for walking as equals - however if energetic reactions would come up - I know that the definitions regarding to unknown and the hope could come up what I already realized that is of fear, that is of self-dishonesty.
I directly told the other women that I made the decision to walk with S. at this moment, I take responsibility and however I do not play monk with them(a hug for instance is ok but pleasing I must not participate within), however I do sex only with S.
I am still correcting myself by not participating within desire - at all - with any women - but 1+1=2 - accumulation and by realizing the re-location of myself by and as the principle of What is best for all - I am able to stand up for desires, I am able to walk through programmed-fear of I am not good enough and to polarize/compensate that constantly seeking for affirmations from women because I've defined my power according to beauty and women.

So that's it for now about reviewing -again- my points towards women and relationship - I stand as the process of stopping my participation within the mind.
I see that each time I write about this topic - the more I open, the more directly I share the core points within my intimacy about my self-dishonesties. And I also realized that what I did not share within my previous writing about these things before - are of self-definitions - because anything I share as I perceive myself to be - is of the mind what I've became - and if I am shy about points, if I regret points - if I still want to things keep in secret - about those points in fact I still do not want to change - that's why I do not want to expose those points.

So I keep pushing each point by sharing. This document is 'deep' enough to use it as material for Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective application.

This is part of facing my resonant fear from expressing myself constantly so I must face, realize, forgive, stop, release and let go unconditionally within constant, stable physical expression breath by breath.

Self-forgiveness on following distractions while doing SRA/Desteniiprocess homework

2011-06-26T19:33:00.001+02:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by things at my computer, especially when I do have access to Internet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention by things popping into my mind while I am focusing to do something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to check things out at the internet while I am doing SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept distraction when I decided to do something - I do NOT follow thoughts of what I should check - even when it's just seconds.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I let myself to be distracted from what I am doing - I am accepting myself as being distracted, I accept myself as divertion instead of pushing the activity as myself within full focus until it's done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow popping up ideas and thoughts while I am focusing to do something what I decided to do so, because I allowed myself to fear that if I would not check the thing what popped in my mind - then I would forget it - instead of realizing that I can direct myself to remain aware of what I wanted to do WHILE I am still focusing to do the activity - within this particular example, the SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept distractions while I am doing SRA exercise - I am in fact deliberatedly trying to divert my attention from the SRA homework as a manifested resistance from doing it until it's done.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I participate within unconscious resistances towards something.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I participate within unconscious resistances towards SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to automatically follow the distraction points while I am doing SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am being diverted by distractions from SRA homework until the internet was gone - and here is no internet at this moment, so after two-three tries of doing some other activities - and I could not - I realized that I participate within directly physically manfiested distractions - and I do not think of it, I do not wonder, I act immediately and even sometimes allowing such an inner reaction as: "I just check this out, its just seconds" - and it might be only seconds but while I participate within distractions - I can again accept distractions and then the time is already being spent on what is not really relevant from the perspective of I decided to do at this time the SRA homework.

If I sit down to do SRA homework, I direct myself to remain within focus.
If I experience a thought popping up about what I should check out/do while I am focusing on SRA homework - I remain within the awareness of Self-direction that I am doing SRA homework now - and I simply note down the thing what I will LATER check/do if I want to do so.
If I experience a thought poppping up about what I should check out/do while I am focusing on SRA homework and I do 'automatically' follow it and starting to do it - I realize that I am being distracted, I am diverting, I let it go, if required, I may make a note about doing that and re-aligning myself with and as inner silence and keep doing the SRA homework.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and do anything what pops up within my mind in the moment because of fearing of otherwise I might forget that to do - instead of simply making a note into an other document for instance a 'todolist.txt' and remaining within the context of the current focus of SRA homework.

Spirituality and religion is the same: Self-deception - no more!

2011-06-23T19:55:00.011+02:00

With and as Act of Self-Honesty - EACH have the opportunity to realize the Self-dishonesty within all kind of Spirituality - they are the same - only the picture is different - look at christians, buddhists, hinduists, islamists etc - they are doing the same - only the picture towards they hope for is different within the participation of Separation through belief- and hope-based Self-definition formed by Back Chat. Check this video out if you dare about the topic of 'Spirituality as a Back Chat':

Spirituality is a Back Chat

I've gowned up around Christians, I even visited and listened the temples and ceremonies and priests for a while - I do speak of experience - I've visited Egypt and walked with Islams, I've visited Hindu gurus and Buddhist lamas in India, I've practiced that thing, I've read many-many scriptures - for years the programmed fear and hope made me unable to realize that these stuffs does not really help of the CORE of Self-dishonesty - only pacing the mind and building up and becoming information systems of excuses and justifications of why I do not stand up for the abuse against Life all over the fucking planet.

It is tough to realize what one has been accepted and allowed to manifest as this existence - but until one can not face Self as Physical Reality - there is no chance for Self-Realization and until that - there will be no Self-Responsibility and one is just one more arrogant self-righteous fucker who is participating within abuse by maintaining and protecting the current system what is being fueled by money.

I am only one cell of the Global Human System - but I resonate this as myself until the end of times: I do not support religion, I do not support spirituality - I support All Life as Physical. Because within the Physical - all spyritual agendas are failing big to bring about a change - since how long we do have religion, spiritdual agendas around - and what is the result? Physically? These are great methodologies in order to make humans busy, make humans occupied, make humans hope, make humans pay, make humans accept and allow.

I clearly stand with and as these words: I do not accept religion or spirituality as Life because it gives hope and falsehood by not taking direct Self Responsibility for All as One as Equal as Life Here on Earth as the Physical. Spirituality and Religion does not want to Change the current Money System - only within that it wants you to pay. A complete reconsideration, a new paradigm is required with valuing Life First!

After each newborn is 'safe' from the collective greed and fear and harm of the current human system - we can talk about other dimensions and energies and chakras and faraway heavens- but first let's Equalize Money on Earth- and by that - each can have a dignified life. And there is no excuse to not even try that - if one criticize Desteni and Equal Money without openly and common sensically investigatint Self as World as All as One as Equal within Oneness and Equality - they in fact these cells within the Global Human Body are actively protecting the current abusive system and therefore we, at desteni must mark these beings as untrustworthy at this moment - because they can not make the basic mathematical equation of 1+1=2 here on Earth within Physical Practicality by regarding Life - because the possession of self-definition system as excuses and justifications of why one do not stand up for the ones who are in fact being abused.

And then there are great examples when for instance one rich guy is paying for 10 poor little boy for the food in Africa - that is alright - regardless I should investigate the starting point of such an act - because the current system will not change - and by fighting within the system - by playing good against bad - I am of polarity, I am of separation - we must embrace all parts of the current human system and as Creation we must mathematically make sure that we exclude all possibilities of harming by simply equalizing Power, equalizing Money, equalizing Life.

I do not have personal agenda against spirituality or religion, I will not burn you if you currently define yourself as this information system demon - I simply realized that until one can not understand, realize, forgive, release this possessions - will not Stand up for and as All life within Practical Physical Reality, therefore it can not be accepted as Life. Simply that. I take responsibility for what I've accepted and allowed to manifest Here on Earth, including delusions as well. I must be the change, as my direct reality wherein I direct Life within the consideration of What is Best for All.

Let use my words to be more clear:

If one DO NOT consider to actually do something what has an impact on this world - for instance by considering Equal Money - because it can be mathematically proven that this would be a kick-start for manifesting a System what Supports All Life - then that one I can not trust, I can not support - only I can give reflections and directions to how to assist and support oneself to realize and walk the Process of Self Forgiveness to become Equals with and as All Life.

And if one have issues with Trust - particularly Trust in Desteni - one should consider to Join Desteni I Process - because within that - all aspects of Self can be re-evaluated, re-aligned with Self-Honesty, Self-Will, Self-Direction, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Trust - within the consideration of What is Best for All.

Trust yourself - and BE the change - do not trust in the individuals of the group, do not trust in the group - Trust the Principle of All Life must be Valued regardless of Money.

Be Here to make sure that this Group stands for Life. This is Responsibility. Be the Directive Principle as Life.

Thou Shalt Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.

I trust myself as Act as Physical. I do not trust spiritduality, I do not trust religion. I trust physical consistency as Self only Here. I support Equal Money System.

How I got to Desteni? Why I stand with and for Equal-Money and World-Equality?

2011-06-18T18:46:00.003+02:00

How I got to Desteni?

I've growned up in a tiny village. My family members has some fuckups for instance alcoholic-abuse, jail, psychiatry etc. Somehow my only choice seemed to be to learn and study continuously to avoid poverty. At quite early stage of my life I realized that I can't become somebody like my family members because that is obviously limited and not really 'pleasant'.
When I was a kid, I was very introverted - my interest was nature and do things with tools, but then very soon I found that my interest perfectly matched with computers.
I had enormous fears inside of me and as a kid - I was very busy to find methods and occupations to avoid this direct, intense, tainted 'feel' of fear. Many nights I could not fall asleep as I felt like I have something huge within me what I am falling into without a starting point, without a stable ground - I felt like I am falling forever in the endless Universe.
I was able to rapidly learn the occupations from my family members what made me diverted from my fears - keeping myself constantly busy with imagination, daydreaming, thinking, even with sexual arousedness - I was able to divert my attention from how I experience myself physically here to my own created self-definition systems.
I've created several personality manifestations within myself - what were not directly related with my Physical Beingness - for instance by playing Fantasy Role-Playing Game - I've created Talamon, a powerful wizard superhero character who have no ethical or moral limitation within, who have no laws or principles what he is subjected to - a some sort of Demonic expression as a Possession of Compressed Manifestation of Self-Definition as Ego. I was very busy to suppress who I am in the physical, I started to perceive my physical beingness just as a vessel, a prison, what I must step beyond somehow - by perceiving the mind consciousness as the real power instead of my Human Physical body. With these starting points I've walked into the System and I started to learn.
I studied bookkeeping and computer programming at high school, later on I went to University of Natural Science to learn Programming Mathematics.
My path was in a way always close to drugs(until a point as alcohol) - my family members, such as my father had serious issues with alcohol - he basically ruined his life with it and he did die in a pit sunken drunk alone. That was an outstanding example of where to I am not going to walk within my life - however at University from a point - let myself to be persuaded by the roommates - I started to drink. In a way it was a wake-up from my closed-up-ness and inhibition - but on the other part - I've fucked myself up extensively by going after things what are not real for instance love. I realized with alcohol I am killing myself - I had several health-related issues because of the pattern of alcoholic-self-abuse, so I desperatedly wanted change.
After finishing the University, I've started to use so called psychedelic drugs - Marijuana, LSD, Magic mushroom, Salvia, DMT - and I've changed in a way - but within the core of my being - not really. I was always very unsatisfied with my expressions - I've judged myself and I wanted power to have freedom but something was always in the way what I perceived as I have to fight myself through. I've stopped alcohol, as it was too rude, too raw, too aggressive to my body - and I realized - my body is required to keep myself together - at least for a while - and I did not like the effect of alcohol as it brought the nasty animal from within what I was afraid of in probabilities of unwanted harm of others. So I've changed alcohol to drugs entirely.

The experiences what I went through with LSD for instance - were some sort of 'White Light' experiences what I've felt as some influence and programming without myself being really aware of them - however somehow I was able to experience the 'undefined'. I could not grab anything within my mind and the only thing I was able to repeat 'whats going on?' - after the first impacts of this drug - I experienced some sort of opening up to things - the world, my mind, my desires - but in that time my attention excluded my fears. After some of these experiences - I wanted to find the explanation of these - what I perceived to find within the 'eastern teachings'. The more I did the LSD - the more I was able to armor myself up from the things what made me appear as defensive - and until a point it was cool - but in fact by these drugs I made myself to believe in things what are not physically real. In that time I did not realize this.

With the methods, substances, starting points what I used - time to time (when I experienced loss and fall) I reflected back to my experiences of my perception of "Am I a 'better' person? Still am I 'rigid' and 'closed' and 'powerless'? "- and after some years of fucking myself up with the spiritual agenda and the drugs - I realized that the 'original' issues what I am facing since childhood - these fears, desires - are still within me - and the tools what I was using were incomplete.

Meanwhile I was regularly taking LSD and trying Tibetan mantras and meditations for instance - and I really wanted to believe that this works - so I assumed/asserted that this is the real deal - the Tibetan tantra. So I investigated it and built my life upon these principles. However something was always missing, somehow I was still seeking something, somewhere I always wanted to reach out - because what I experienced was - always flawed, was always hollow. I did not see that myself here I was missing. So then when I had the opportunity, I went to Asia - wherein I hoped and desired to find what Buddha found - I wanted an enormous validation from outside that what I do is that what I have to do.

In this trip, I fucked myself up with a relationship-related mess the second time - and I've closed myself down regarding to women for years. I was unable to handle my situations socially. In India I got sick, I had amoeba and diarrhea what made me really weak - while I was still hoping and desiring great things what I read in books and saw in movies. But nothing happened, even by walking through the 'sacred Buddhist places'(or even at the commonly accepted 'sacred' places such as Great Pyramids, Ang-Kor Wat) I've realized that this is just business - and the ones are keeping these things up and promoting aren't that valid as the 'holy books' refer to. I was disappointed - I saw the whole spiritual agenda as fake. I was very sick, I had no money, I remained alone - in that situation in India - the mantras do not help, the path of enlightenment seemed irrelevant - and in a way I was able to experience reality directly. I've seen extreme poverty and ignorance and commonly accepted child- and animal-abuse what from I was unable to escape because I have no any money. I realized that I was fucking around for years with my given abilities simply for my entertainment and justifications to not do something within the world.

After coming back from the east - I felt everything what I built up was invalid, I was still busy with desperately looking for an answer on the Internet. I've tried many things with great ease already - shamanism, zen, buddhism, music, painting, make myself busy with sacred geometry, conspiracies, reptilian agenda, egyptology, rainbow hippies, sex, porn, trance etc - but as myself was the problem - everything what I've approached was full of shit. Somehow this separation and inner judgment always came back more and more intensely, regardless of my desperate want of stopping them.

My mind as myself one and equal was the boogeyman what I continuously escaped from, fought, chased without any result.

I developed an ability to sit down and 'clear the mirror of the lake of my mind' for a while - but as I stood up from these practices - I automatically was the one who I always was. Somehow all the methods were unsatisfying. I had many friends who were also busy with the enlightenment stuff - some still doing it since long years - and I can notice even now in 2011 that they did not really change within - but they were more 'smooth' in the system but still of the system.

So in that state I've found Desteni around my 28th birthday in 2007. It was some Cross-over interviews through the Portal - maybe Jim Morrison or Merv Griffin or even a Jack interview - but it was very-very-very fascinating.

Oneness And Equality. This two TOGETHER at the first time I've heard and immediately got me. I kept myself all of the watching the interviews and Desteni videos - then I went to the http://desteni.co.za where I found the FAQ, the Structural Resonances documents, the other articles, found about Bernard, Sunette, Esteni, Andrea and about 2007 October I've joined the Desteni Open Forum. The assistance what I got was always simple and direct - I asked about the Tibetan stuff and Jack had the answer that Talamon, you keep read the material and you will find out everything by yourself.
I've found the explanation of Process, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, Writing - and I had some direct shit within me what I've defined as 'I was unable to forgive to myself' - so I started on those, and I was able to stand up for the event of 'once I did hit my dog with a stick because I was fucked up' and the other one what bugged me was once 'I did hurt my girlfriend hard because I was angry'. I wrote about these, I wrote self-forgiveness, paper after paper I've filled with writing and I had the direct Self-reflection of I am changing! After that what made my all doubts gone was the Tree of Life of Talamon video interview. After that I've realized my physical location and responsibility and I've pledged myself to the Process of Manifesting Heaven on Earth until it's done. I am walking in the Matrix to script up and accumulate influence and power within and as the system to take direct responsibility what we have accepted and allowed to manifest and STOP.

I realized that my mind I've accumulated with the continuous participation through thought, feelings and emotions - what I must stop participate within and let go of any Self-definition and Express the Living Word as the Physical.

I realized all who and what I perceived myself to be, the occupations, the likes and dislikes, fears, desires, possessions, obsessions - I must understand, forgive, stop, let go and release to birth myself at the first time.

At Desteni, the people are always ready to assist and support - and if one's approach is infected with Self-definition of perceived separation - then the Desteni guys are simply pointing out the self-dishonesty within one's approach. Then the person's decision where to stand - but what I've found very cool is that if one is not changing, but still speaking shit - then for everyone's sake - banning is applied to show what we do not accept within our reality.
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Why I stand with and for Equal-Money and World-Equality?

I came from a poor family where people had to do things what were abuse against life, against their body - in order to get the money to sustain shelter, food for the children for instance. I remember endless argues by the grownups around me - about not enough money, about wasting money, about illegal things to make money, even by harming others to get money - and I was in the middle of this resonant war for surviving - while at school I've noticed that others have clothes, toys, tools what my family never could afford. I've noticed that by my learning abilities - teachers exceptionally handle me like jewelery among others - but for instance my bench-mate was in a way rejected in the school, just because he was unable to learn specific parts of history or math. I always felt extreme limitation within my expressions because I could not afford to have a great computer or a camera while others had these and they even could not use them. It was very hard to understand why money is determining what can I do and not my abilities. I hated money, I hated my family and I hated the government, the system, humanity, even sometimes the whole existence.

By walking on Earth - I noticed that many people are living within poverty and ignorance. For long-long years it was very disturbing to me to face poverty and ignorance of it - but with the spiritual agenda(karma) I armored myself with the idea of elitism that some have more than others(aka Orwell's Animal Farm). By investigating the system - for instance walking in Cambodia, India, Egypt etc - I realized that these countries are exploited for some small group's interest - by Currency, by Military, by Media.
I've seen space-station-like high-technology skyscrapers built near slums wherein children are walking beggar skeletons - and I was unable to find any excuse within myself why should I accept this within my reality.

I've seen children doing things for coins what I never could accept as 'normal' - I've faced with child-labor, child-prostitution, extreme animal-abuse and I was disgusted from Humanity and I desperately wanted to end this but at some point I always realized - without money - I am unable to do anything within the already manifested Human Money System.

While I was unable to deal with my self-dishonest issues - as I mentioned - I was always frustrated to face poverty and abuse - because I felt myself as powerless, separated from the issue by the money point - yet I was aware of that the abused beings are in fact me - and by the continuous acceptance I was extremely irritated - what I only could suppress and divert my attention from within myself with occupation of entertainment, desires, drugs etc - but as I stopped with the act of diversion - I always faced again with the fact that Earth is not really a pleasant place, even can be called as 'hell' for at least 1/3 of the population. I started to question my continuous occupation within entertainment and desires what always cost me certain amounts of money - is this toy really important for me while others has no money to have medicine for surviving infection?

I also wanted to learn and express music and filming - and I've found that the instruments costs a lot - and I wanted to express my sound and visual perception through the instruments - for long years I used the lack of money as excuse - and blaming the system - but by that I felt myself more and more powerless. I resonantly hated everyone who I perceived as 'rich' - and at the other part of this polarity - I wanted to become rich as well.

My only chance was to place and position myself within the system wherein I can get a decent salary with what I can start to assist myself to educate and sort myself out from the powerlessness at least to be able to comprehend what the fuck is going on here and why.

With Desteni sharing - Oneness and Equality as the basic principle within and as everything - I started to understand the system as myself. I understood that by stepping out from the money system - I do not have influence within it - yet it is still determining me because I still have to eat, I still have to buy.

I've found that I have a strong tendency to want to assist and support children in this Earth - regardless of anything - because in a way I am a child, I can have a some sort of 'compassion' with the poor fuckers who have nothing but endless suffering. It is not fair.

I understand the mathematical equation of 1+1=2 - with what individuals can accumulate impact within the system - and as a group - we are able to position ourselves into constant application wherein we can Stand as Principle of 'What is Best for All'.

I realized how the current money system is abusing in the interest of greed and fear - and I realized that I must be the change within constancy.

When I heard the idea of giving equal amount of money to each newborn - I realized - this could end all family-abuse, all child-exploitation, all wars, all disadvantage by lack of education, by lack of health-care.

I've studied the B.I.G project in Namibia and I am learning how money and banks work, I realized - I can not judge Equal Money System until I never tried at least to work on manifesting it - so there is no excuse anymore - I support Equal Money System.

I stand for a World Equality wherein all can have a dignified life without condition where all beings can work on that noone should suffer because of programmed inequality within the monetary system. I take full responsibility for the existence as myself and starting with and as this Human Physical Body what is being referred as József Berta within the Current Human System.

With promoting and manifesting the Equal Money System - we can dissolve the strong hypnotic vibration of surviving and by sharing common sense - we can reach people who can also realize the current system's fuckedupness and start focusing on sorting out our perception and start living by sharing Life-opportunities for everyone unconditionally. That would mean something as Love.
---------------------------------------------

What I understand to be “Heaven on Earth” is.

Wherein Life is value, not greed, not profit. Wherein we can end wars, poverty, wherein we can support every being to face and sort out Self-dishonesties. Wherein water, food, health-care is for everybody by default.

Heaven on Earth can be started to manifest when each and every single human being is standing within the realization of the Unification of Man as I am, Here within and as the Physical as All as One as Equal within Oneness and Equality.

I could bring up many wild imaginations of heaven for instance not required to eat if one does not want to or instant teleport or flying or materializing things by self-will and continuous and constant Self-Expression for instance sounding and voicing and playing with and as Creation with and as All - but these occupations are dwarfed from the fact that first things first. Until we are unable to support each newborn equally - we must face and deal with the money issue.

We must form a Group of Equals wherein one first must walk through the Eye of the Needle to let go and sort out any influence of Mind Consciousness System. And this group is a place where Self-support is granted - and by re-defining Trust, re-defining Responsibility, re-defining Self within the interest of What is Best for All.

And walking within and as this Group - we expand and share and making sure that we are responsible for the Group as Equal Individuals and we only support Self-honesty and simply rejecting ideas coming from the Mind and only support Life - and making sure that we do not share Equal opportunities with those who are in fact harm for the Group of Equals.

That's why the Eye of the Needle is of Constancy, Consistency within the Act of Self-Honesty - to see who stands within the physical unwaving, unchanging as a stable, constant expression of 'I stand for World Equality'.
Trust must be earned within the interest of what is Best for All.
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10 Videos that you like the most / had the most impact on you

Gurdjieff: Why man must Unify
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISjipDCgP4s
SRA Structural Resonance Alignment Research Desteni Talamon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5RBZwKWf1Y
Self Perfection while in a Limited Body and limited reality is Possible
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPciBnE-xxc
Moments, Self Management and Osho
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HI3qyItvmLA
HOM - 103 Locating Your POWER
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNEoVyz7 ... h_response
HOM 104 Locating Your SILENCE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFJxxcce ... DBEEEA0DF6
Waking Up and Becoming Aware of the Mind in Process Support
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTa596uX ... ture=email
Writing yourself to freedom
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4WfMno6af8
SELF FORGIVENESS as LIFE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNhfkz7A ... re=related
1 The Matrix of Self-Perfection
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdYCmDz7Zp0

Why I use birth name

2011-06-05T13:19:00.009+02:00

I use my birth name on internet.

Internet is full of fake names and imaginary titles - we are outnumbered with sources of information, what are coming from simply almost untraceable sources for the public and by that - basically anyone can say, state or attack anything without taking Self-Responsibility.
When I was in highschool - I was playing RolePlayGame - and I was playing the elf wizard of Talamon - in that time I was very introverted, suppressive in my physical approach - however with this person of Talamon within the RPG game(basically acting as this self-made character) - I could express that what I perceived as I could not do so directly physically as myself.
This personality I've become in a way - and I had issues with my birth name, with my surname and with my family name as well - my father was named also as Jozsef Berta, his father was also Jozsef Berta and who knows what chain of reproduction ended up with me but as I perceived this family, as I perceived my father - I did not want to be like that, I did not want to become as him because he was completely lost within ideas of consciousness and he ended up drinking alcohol heavily and then he slowly but surely destroyed himself and ended up in psychiatry and then he died alone in the forest sunk in a pit with full of water nearby the road - alone and lost.
I've gowned up in his shadow and my mother was fully fearful of myself becoming like him - so resonantly I've also participated within this fear - and I wanted to separate myself from my father and my family as much as possible in order to not become like him or like the members who I shared places with because of 'family'.
I could not deal with this directly, instead of I've created a person myself - who I wanted to be, who and what I've perceived myself to want to be - this is how and why I've created 'Talamon', who is
not like all of the Jozsef Bertas, who I knew - it 'felt like' a fresh start - and when I've played the role play game - when I was speaking out this Talamon character - the borders washed away - as the people around me started to call and refer me as Talamon, and when I went to university - also on internet I participated with the name of Talamon. I've created a reality wherein I was known as Talamon - without the direct influence of my Birth Name, of my family, of my direct physical reality.

I felt like I could not exist as Jozsef Berta as I had fears of I might become like my father - and I was absolutely sure that this is not the way to walk this Earthly Life, so I've created this Personality of Talamon in my mind - what I wanted to be - and by years walking, by travelling as, by experimenting with psychedelic drugs and communicating with people as Talamon - I was able to develop new expressions - however the foundation, as Jozsef Berta was never directly faced, dealt with - so the mixture of it was quite ambigous, unsure, twisted and unstable wherein all directly manifested: Physically.

As Talamon - I was smmoth, expressive, artistic and strong - within my mind at least - and as the physical being, as Jozsef Berta - I was suppressive, nervous, self-doubted and self-judgmental. However these started to mix up in a way wherein I was not the directive principle as myself as presence - but constantly battling and waving around personality manifestations within myself according to impulses from outside - I had issues with practicality and effectiveness - what I've judged extensively - and finally I felt myself as a constant, huge shitmess - when time to time I've proven myself to be lost from situations to situations until I've directly faced the very close opportunity to die some times and I've realized that this cannot work really. In that time I was not aware of the How or the Why - I simply physically faced myself in a way what was obviously shouting: if I continue like this - I accumulate the probability of death. Because of that degree of abdicating self-responsibility as considering what I participate within the Physical.

After 'subconsciously' - because I did not want to admit directly - almost physically experiencing my 'complete lost'-ness - I was desperately seeking new opportunities to come out from this madness.

When I found Desteni Group - I was full of ideas, knowledge, judgments and opinions - influenced by different agendas and I was unsure how to release my shit - what I just started to realize by embracing the Desteni material.
By the support of the people at Desteni Forum I was able to realize how and why I am constantly fighting within and as myself and slowly but surely exhausting myself as Physical Being - meanwhile all of my ideas and knowledge - was in fact justifications for why I do not Stand up for Myself as Life and Change. I simply realized Oneness and Equality as the basic Principle within all - and how this can assist me to realize what I am accepting and allowing within my reality - where my responsibility is.

By starting Self Forgiveness - I started to explore the 'why' - why I am participating within manifestations what are in fact not lasting, what are of delusions. There were some outstanding issues what I almost literally 'thought' "I was unable to forgive to myself" - so I started on these points - and the more I wrote, the more I expressed my decision to change, my standing up to my past - the more I understood the details of why and how I accepted myself in a way from where I was unable to shunt from. By writing the Self Forgiveness sentences specifically, directly to my self-accepted excuses and justifications - I started to accumulate Self-Will, Self-Empowerment, Self-Direction - to be able simply breath through inner reactions what I've programmed into myself - this is the real deal - because the effectiveness is withint he specificity.

Next point was to face how an other being can experience me physically within me as me, when the Tree of Life support was temporally introduced within the Desteni I Process, if you did not watch this interview - you should do so - at first it was quite intense to face in a way - and other way it was a huge relief as I always wanted somebody to directly say how I am because I've noticed that from my point of view, I was unable to see myself as the camera by itself also can not record itself, as the sword can not cut itself etcetc lol.
Here is the Video link of SRA Structural Resonance Alignment Research Desteni Talamon
(Note that this kind of support is not available currently as the Structural Resonance Alignment within DesteniIProcess is now works as a Life Coaching course - within walking that - One can Face Self Directly and embrace the tools with one can stop self-dishonesties).

Watching that interview I could not argue with that - it was all exposed - somewhere, somehow I always 'felt like' this, but I could not see myself in this way I was not aware of how far I went within self-suppression and self-anger - and by realizing how I am - I had to realize that there is no justification or excuse with what I could live anymore to accept myself as what I've accepted and allowed myself to become Physically(because Physical is what we can deal with, where we can Unify ourselves within Equality and Oneness Ethernally).
No spiritual agenda, no religious view, no shamanistic bullshit I could participate within anymore within Self-Honesty - and at one point I realized the following:
"Each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of Earth."

Participating within Process - I started to face what I was escaping from within the Physical - for instance the DNA and verbal programming coming from my family - and I've realized - I can stand up for this and I can stop participate within the preprogrammed influences of the mind - I can stand up for my father - I can actually be who I always was within my life - József Berta. Because the knowledge and information what I've defined Berta József as my family - I can embrace and I can CHANGE within and as my direct reality. So I've started to face the issues of my birth name and not separate myself within perceptions through the mind - but be József Berta, be Talamon, be everything I've created.

Within the Desteni Group - we've decided to Take Full Responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to manifest Physically - and the Self Responsibility must be Located, Tracked, Shared unconditionally in a way where we stop deceiving ourselves and others and start to explore how to Live within Equality and Oneness Physically - by embracing our past, present, future breath by breath.

As Jozsef Berta, as myself, as who I was, as who I am and who I will be - at this moment is within and as this Human Physical Body - what is within the current Human System - with an ID, with a Birth Name - and this Physical Location is always Direct, Simple, Obvious, Physical and Real.
This 'Person', this Man, this Human, this Body - this Mind Consciousness System(systems of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, suppressions, desires, fears) - at this moment what is my Self-Responsibility, and can be referred as Jozsef Berta.
From the System's perspective - government, bank, school, tax, "health-don't Care" system, workplace, army, law etc - I am undoubtedly József Berta.

What I've manifested by this Self-Created Personality as Talamon what I've participated and made myself known by many people - is also what I've accepted and allowed myself to manifest and in a way also 'Physically' become - is also my Self-Responsibility.
My Self-Responsibility to see what is practical, what is walkable, what is supporting Life within myself and stop what is abusive.

I stand up for All Life, I stand up for All as One as Equal as Life, also to stand up for those who can not to - for a Global Change, for exploring ways to manifest Equality Physically.
And to make it valid - I share myself as my Birth name - as I am embracing from where I am 'coming' - as I was born into a system wherein I am identified by my birth name - I stand up within the System as the System - by standing up and sharing myself as the following:
I was born as József Berta within this system and I am standing up - as this Physical Body - everyone can see, this is who I was, this is who I am, this is the Principle what I am walking by and there is no hidden agenda, there is no fake name what behind I can do whatever I am being pleased to without being exposed - that's Self-Responsibility.
Simply being able to look into anyone's eyes and no shame at all - the only way to develop infinite Self-Will is to accumulate and integrate myself into and as the Physical reality as a stable, constant, untouched, expression what stands for all Equally wherein we can exist in harmony, wherein noone have to exist in poverty and live in terror of war - and I want to give equal opportunities for all life. This like I would be if I would be the Creator. And this is how will going to be. As I am Creation, I am Creator, I am Created - one and equal, Here, within and as the Physical.
There is no 'bigger picture than this'.

I am interested in Real People, who also can Stand Up and want Change, I am interested in practicality of What is Best for All.

So I am directly identifying myself as Talamon József Berta - and in fact there are many József Berta-s in this Matrix, there are many Talamon-s you can find, but at this moment this two together can pinpoint my location wherein you can find, trace, locate and directly access me as Physical.

Physical - because Here we can Stand Together within Unification - as all currently existing miriads of Dimensions of Consciousness Systems - and in fact the Physical is the only one what is really relevant - the only one what if we remove from the equation we cease to exist.

And within the currently manifested Human System - we must sort out the dishonesties and delusions of other dimensions from the mind(thoughts, feelings, emotions etc) - by Aligning ourselves with and As the Physical without Perceived Separation to Unconditionally grant Dignified Life for all within Physical Equality at least in the 'level of' Basic Living as Food, Shelter, Education and Health Care.
Until that is not done - until each human borns with practically equal opportunities (Equal Money for all) - I am not interested within any self-interested agendas and those must be released unconditionally within the principle of What is Best For All.

That is what This Physically Located name, as Talamon József Berta is referring to at the moment.

I am even considering to take up the Talamon surname as well 'officially' within the system to simply embrace everything what I've participated within and as Creation to stop any personality-manifestations within myself.

Therefore I dare you to share yourself being accessible with your Birth Name - and take full responsibility for what you are participating, broadcasting, sharing, resonating - within the principle of What is Best for All. Because if you do not so - then you can be questioned that you are not dealing with Real issues, you are not standing up unconditionally for All and therefore you might be harm for the Walking Equals.
I do not 'care', even if many people refer somebody as 'good person' or 'peaceful' or 'talented' or 'nice' - these are dwarfed within the equation of What is Best for All.
I understand that from the starting point where from all humans 'start' so to speak - this might sound as losing self - but if we investigate our daily life, participation - the hours spent by people who can have money to buy 'heavenly moments' - can be questioned by the point of view of those who can not even afford to eat properly. Your agenda could be anything, a great golf playing experience, or enormous artist activity or watching the greatest movie or having the most intense sex - or even spending millions for the sake of your 'miracoluous family love' - please love thyneighbour as thyself unconditionally because otherwise you are just an another organic robot who is full of justifications and excuses of self-interest - regardless of your mental and emotional intent of world peace and great om spiritual enlightened blahblah - in fact in the REAL physical level - you act as an active obsticle against manifesting Equality.

What I did not include within this Equation before is that this is a process as who I am physically has been manifested through constant and continuous participation within consciousness system - but by participating within DesteniIProcess, Applying Self-Forgiveness, Exploring practical ways to accumulate Actions within the Physical - one can Align Self Physically slowly but surely with and as All as one As Equal as Life - breath by breath, moment by moment, day by day, month by month, year by year until it's done.
I have the tendency to jump into conclusions within my mind by 'thinking fast' - and redefining myself only within my mental dimensions - while in fact, physically I am not changing - therefore it is imperative to walk this process step by step PHYSICALLY, ensuring that I am not deceiving myself with an other self-definition system. Therefore we urge everybody(every physical body) who can afford the luxury of Internet - to share themselves who they really are within starting point and within the current Physical Expression - because this is reality, we must breath and walk out from the mind-delusions - but alone it is barely impossible - that's why we form a Group wherein we do not accept anything less than who we really are as Life. And by walking as a group - we see what it takes to bring about a change to manifest dignified life for all.

And within the current manifestations on Earth - within this Human System - within the Current Money System - we must form a Group wherein we can assist and support ourselves and each other within exploring practial equality - for the group's sake - we must embrace principles in which we do not compromise the Equality Equation within and As the Group by accepting Abdication of Self Responsibility for instance as existing and sharing by fake names - because to speak and write anyone can do - but to LIVE the same Equally - as becoming the Physical Living Words - we must ensure that the ones are walking are Real Persons.

It's like when TrueLove555 channel makes a comment of 'it is not true, love is the solution' - (just an example) - is like physically you do not take responsibility, but hiding behind an idea what physically was never real - and you are in masks where others can not see who you are - and therefore if you participate within abuse - you can not be physically located, you can hide and say whatever you want so - we, as a Group - do not accept this, and if you can not give up your imaginary personalities - you can not be part of the Group wherein Equals are walking - because you could be a compromise for all in the group.
Therefore I dare you to share yourself with your Real Name.

I even would enjoy if anyone's thoughts could be publically accessible - much of the abuse would be more obvious and directly 'manageable' within the Principle of What is Best for All. But it might manifest HELL on earth big time as the Mind Demons - what are human systems taking over the body - physically abuse Self.

That's why we BLOG, we VLOG - what you see is maybe imperfection, but by sharing my Self-forgiveness for instance regarding to fears, desires - I am stating that I am actually forgiving myself to stop myself accepting myself, I am becoming aware how and why I started to participate within desires, fears - I am actually making a public statement for everyone and for everything equally - that I take Full Self Responsibility for what I've accepted and allowed to be, but from now on I am finding practical ways to STOP to do so as I am the Directive Principle of My life and for my Reality, for Existence.
Because for instance this shared fear, desire is not really who I am as Life - but at this moment I've manifested it, so as I've created it - in the same way I can STOP - I can stop my participation within FEAR.
Because if I do share my Self-dishonesty - and I do not share - at least I share with the world that these are my issues, please be aware that you should not accept me remain within this self-dishonesty - if I would not change - if my Self-Forgiveness would not be real - then I might need Self-Assistance and daring everyone to not accept me within my self-dishonesties.

That's why if somebody is Walking the Process as Birth Name, as sharing Self-dishonesties, Self-forgiveness, Self-Realizations, Self-Corrective examples - constantly and consistently - unconditionally - and the Physical change is obvious within the Way of Living, within the Expressions - then this is where Birthing Life from the Physical Starts.

When One walks like this - re- and re-aligning Self within Process with and as The Physical - sharing all the shit what comes up - and releasing self-definitions by sharing, by forgiving self - One is directly Facing Self, walking the Practical Self-Realization, Unification, Self-Perfection.

This is who I am, this is what I've redefined as Value, This is What I support, this is what I stand for and what is really relevant is how we accept ourselves as Humanity, as Animals, as Nature, as Plants, as Earth; existing and what really matters is simply What is Best For All.

That's why we focus on Equal Money - because each is involved with the money issue, by what everyone is directly responsible who is participating within the Current Money System - the Blood of the Human System currently - 'current' - 'currency - rent' - and by re-defining Value as Life - not as greed, not as surviving - we can Stand up for Poverty, Famine, War, Genocide, Abuse etc - as most of them is because of the people has no money and without money humans are degraded to the level of resources or machines what will end up in dumpyards without any compassion. Because currently even the idea of compassion is related to money. Love is of money, the perception of 'life' is related to money.

And that's why we must Stand up in All Levels of Humanity to take Self-Responsibility without any Separation, without any exception - the God of Man is the Physical is currently being driven by Money. That's why We must introduce a temporally solution which by Humans can release this Hypnotic Trance/Vibration to be slaves of Money.
That's why we push the point of Equal Money - to bring about a Dignified Life for All.

Thank you very much:
Talamon József Berta.

Why I stand with Equal Money System - my story of money since childhood from communism to capitalism

2011-05-29T16:25:00.004+02:00

Writing about money - stories

I write about money - I experience some inner reaction towards money, and I simply pronounce points within my life - people's life - what are being influenced, directed and even abused by the current money system - how we humans globally accept ourselves to 'operate'.
Within an Equal Money System - things could go on different ways, especially I can refer to my family members, who are already exploited by the amount of self-compromise what they had to suffer in order to survive or in order to being able to support their family.
For instance my mother is in ruins - physically, psychologically - and there is a significant part within that what is directly related to money. And at this moment she is unable to live normally, she is taking pills every day, and visiting psychiatry quite regularly as her mind is required to be balanced chemically otherwise she is going nuts ('maniac depression') - and I've seen since my childhood how this great, strong, beautiful woman with full of potential and self-will - has became exhausted by the factory wherein she spent about 15 years regardless of for instance she did vomit every morning even from the thought of she has to go into the factory to work. Her decision was to push her limits to be able to support me and my sister to us to be able to go to school, buy the books and the tools to educate ourselves to not becoming like her - it's like a human sacrifice what millions of parents do day by day and accepting the exploitation and abuse what they face every day at 'workplace' where they are being used as slaves. This must end once and for all - I 'have' down-to-earth 'living' examples within my family and all over the fucking planet that people can barely function as humans because of the profit for those who already have more than enough. This compromise what I stand up for and I want change.

At this moment it is required to review my relationship with money, so the issues what I still carry I must write down one and equal and see what I am still accepting and allowing within myself to equate and embrace money as myself without separation to be able to become the directive principle as Life within the starting point of 'What is Best for All'.

Since a while I am earning money by having a job constantly. This has some significant impacts on how I perceive and handle(spend) money.
I start to write where I came from - from this perspective.

I've grown up in a relatively poor family where we could not afford much spending, when I was tiny(until 10 years old) I remember I was with the family(grandpa, grandma, mother, father, cousins, sister etc) - and they were quite often worried about money. They've managed to have things, but mostly because there were constantly working - grandpa in the forest, father in the collective farm(some form of 'communist' unit of the region), mother in the 'milk-factory' etc.
I remember, very often we did scouting in the fields, after the huge harvesting machines were done - as they always left for instance quite significant corn on the field - so then the whole family was out with the horse-chariot and we collected many dozens of bags full of corncob, what we after did crumbled with hand-driven machines, resulting dozens of corn for the animals what we did breed.
Since I started school, my family grownups programmed me and my sister to be as great learner in school as we can, as they perceived it as a key to avoid us to grow up into poverty.
When I was in basic school, I noticed that the others in school had more cool clothes, toys and more pocket money - to spend it for icecream or chokolate. But the monetary distance between me and the others did not seem that huge - however I often had to face limitations because of the lack of money. But as we lived in the village - there is always more easy to get a cheap but great bicycle for the kids for instance - so I did not bother much in that time...
When I started highschool - the political system already changed from Soviet Union(100.000 soviet soldiers left Hungary in in 1989-1990) and then the capitalism was officially here. Then I've noticed that some stuff is unaffordable for me what others can have in the school - the fancy shoes and clothes and electronics for instance - and in that time my mother raised me and my sister alone and she was working in the 'milk-factory' all day to be able to send us to school as her most important goal was this, to be able to afford to train us to get more proper jobs than our family members had.
Within the 'communist' system - as I perceived, she was more easily able to do so - but then the private sector started to eat up the country properties and the monetary distance started to grow between the people - more poor people and less rich were made by the new system, where the keywords were 'freedom', 'free choice', 'free religion' etc...
I had no idea about these in that time - I only noticed that from the perspective that when I was about 15 - I was jealous for the rich guys who could afford to have IBM PC - however they were unable to use them properly, and I wanted that stuff as I was already programming my little Commodore 64 since years and I wanted to expand but I could not.
So I started to place myself into the monetary system, first by forming desires and needs to train myself to be able to earn my own money to not be limited by poverty. Fascinating, and I remember the others were bullying me because my chinese shoes were signed as :Reobek, instead of Reebok. In that time I was very suppressive, so probably my face looked like constant nervousness.
However, when I started university - I was barely able to pay for the college and the food. So I applied for student-jobs, they were really exploiting, but it was money.
I remember working in a mineral water and energy drink bottler factory, I had to stand next to the production line all day and picking up the six packed bottles and putting them onto the pallet. Once the machinery stopped because of a fault and I enjoyed the brake and I stood near to the wall and held my hands in my pocket. Then I remember the director came to me shouting like hell that he never wants to see people standing like that, and then I should clean up or something and then that was the point when I realized - my mother spends more than half of her life in a place like that where dickheads exploit her by the point of money and I must expand way over this by educating myself.
Also I remember working for a car-repair-tools-delivery company by installing a DOS-based software for the workshops in the county with which they were able to order particles for cars via phone-modems. That was also a job what I felt like even a headless monkey could do after some days, but I 'had' a chauffeaur who drove me around the county and I enjoyed to see the landscapes. He told me stories about he was a taxation-inspector in the past when the communism ended, and he was facing some mafia-like organizations where they were 'bleaching oil'(attenuating fuel) and making billions of illegal profit - and he was told that if he could not stop - his house with his family will burn - so then he did quit and became chauffeaur.
Those guys handled me like a jewellery, just because I was able to speak in the language of computers easily. Yet, the money what they gave was only pocket money, however it was better than nothing, and I hated to eat bread roll only with tomato flavour, I needed to eat properly to be able to study the maths and the programming(and later on to drink the cheapest, shitty alcohol to be able to face women, but that's an other story lol).
After a while, I came together with E(first love, who later on became my wife on paper) - she had money - she was not rich, but she was supported way more than I ever could imagine.
From the moment we came together, she did share her money with me and we did shopping each week and bought lot of foods, yoghurts and all the foods what I perceived in that time as 'luxuries' - muesli, french cheese, fruits, sweets etc.
In a way it was very cool that she shared unconditionally - but somewhere I felt some frustration because I was supported, dependent by her and I judged it and I judged myself.
After a year together - I started to be part of a specific programming workshop at the university wherein we started to be educated as Java programmers with my mates from the college - and I had no PC to practice with - and E. was already more mature in this way and she told me that she invests in me in a way as she bought a great PC in that time, the price was more than 1000$ - in 1999-2000 - that money was a fortune. I remember I got the dollars from her to go to money changer - and I felt like I look like a punk crawled out from the garbage with that MUCH of money to get the local currency, hungarian Forint to buy the computer and I even had the fear coming up that I can be robbed - but then I realized, I look like somebody who has nothing but dirt, so with that I could pace my mind.
Then with that computer and with the participation in the specific Java Programmer Usergroup - I started to practically learn this programming language - participating also in summer scholarship, additionally working with Linux, what was a great financial value later on - but in that time I did not realize. At the university, the 'normal' course was more likely theory - and to learn how to learn programming. How to face totally new areas of informatics and by pushing it - becoming it's master to be able to use the computer for what they were made initially - earning money.
After the university - I moved to the capital and my CV was a bit more outstanding than the others in the university who did not educate themselves in that debth.
And I do not say it was easy at the beginning - I remember, to configure Apache JServ to even to make the server say only that 'It's working' - was days - we had to push and push and re-try and re-read - and with my mates we were obsessed to simply WANT to learn it. There was no internet in the college in that time, we had literally try every possible way to make the fucking thing work - and we did.
So, as the university ended, some international companies approached me and offered jobs to me. I remember one guy offered me to move to Belgium and he could invest in me to educate me more and give some responsibilities, but I was obsessed with numbers only - and I clearly stated - at least 200.000 HUF I want to get in my hands literally in every month, and by those offers - paying the hotel, the education and the airplanes - the final number could not reach the 200K, so I did not care.
Finally I found headhunters who could offer that much money - and I moved to Budapest to live - leaving my girlfriend a year more(she still had one more year in the city Debrecen to finish her psychology studies) - and I started to work 'normally'. Fascinating what I refer as 'normal job' here - because I already worked in many areas before, I remember when I was teen, I also did hoening with an old guy - to cultivate grapefields for instance - by that I felt like my back is spliting off,(the old guy seemed like terminator in my eyes as he did not whine that much like me but probably he did this kind of jobs since decades) but sometimes I needed the money that much.
So for the first time - I got the money what I always wanted.
I was not prepared for this - I was holding my first salary and I was wondering 'What the fuck now'?
At that company(and in this field, this is quite common) - we went out at noon to eat in the inner city - and the price of the food made my blood incendiary - but I did not care - I wanted to eat great stuff, I spent almost half of my salary to food for about a half year - for the first time I felt like I need to eat to complement my scant in this point.
Very soon I started to spend a significant percentage of my salary to alcohol and light drugs, I felt like I am a plant what started to get some water and sunlight at last...
My girlfriend often noted to me that I am wasting way too much money on things, such as food, could be bought in a more clever way, for instance by cooking to myself - and very slowly I started to get that - when I wanted to have another things, for instance a decent cellphone or clothes in which I am not making policemen always suspicious(military, 'rock and roll' clothes, long hair etc), and it was fascinating to see how people perceive me changed just because my clothes started to change - and I did not wear suit and ties - just not raunchy.

From that point - my income changed between this kind of salary to even zero for a while - but in those situations I already experienced that if I want - I can have a decent salary, and I already 'created myself'(or more likely within the system I was impulsed to became like this) - so I did not bother myself on eating rice only for a day - as I am aware of sustaining myself physically is not THAT much money - by buying the ingredients and cooking for myself - it's fragment of the price of what is the price for instance of a menu at a restaurant. It's only 'TIME' - going to the cheap place, preparing the food, cooking it, cleaning up after cooking - as I live alone - this I consider too much time, and by money, literally I am perceiving that I am buying time.
What is not always true - and at this stage for instance I am getting food ticket as cafeteria from the company what I work for - and by those tickets - I can afford to eat in canteen/restaurant or order food by runners - however I started to investigate how and why I spend money in all parts of my life and I see that I still could reduce the amount of spending for eating.

Okay, this is a wonderful opportunity to start with to see what self-forgiveness points I require to express in order to express my will to change within and as myself to prepare myself to physically change and not participate within abuse by being within and as this current money system.

That's why I promote Equal Money System as humans are literally slaves of the point of money and who do not face daily abuse - is more likely simply because they can buy off themselves from the abuse - but who can not afford to 'pay out themselves' from this - in fact virtual - debt of money - I guarantee that they experience daily life as HELL on earth, because they can not sustain their body, they can not have proper health care and they can not support their family and education and therefore most of the humans are maintaining a self-destructive(planet) system what must end by the people one by one realizing the self-responsibility one by one and stand up and form a group and say no for money being god over Life.

In fact recently my focus started to move more and more towards money and people around me tend to judge me that I am changed and my interest is only money - but in fact if I want to make a change WITHIN the current system, I must be able to stand one and equal with the money - to direct and accumulate money by the principles of Life.

I will continue this post by walking through this timeline and forgiving any self-definition what I still accept within myself regarding to money.

I dare you to educate yourself on how money REALly inpacts daily life not only the people in western culture, but all over Earth - and even often I get the feedback that if I refer to poor afrian or asian children - they say it's only manipulation to get money from people who want to appear as good - but this is real, people, these are physical beings, and there is no any luxury or any entertainment within this world what could be more worthy than supporting Life within a being, not only human but animal or plant as well. But the point is that we must approach the core of this abuse, and my partner often says, if I would really care about those dying brown-skinned children, then I could adopt as much as I can and support them. It's partially true - but the whole system we must focus on to understand and change from within - because I could adopt even 100 children by myself - the current system is continuously producing poverty - and that we must stop directly.

So I make my stand obviously as All Life - and I do not allow middleground in this - and by that I support even those who oppose me - by reflecting back what they still allow and what I can not allow as 'myself'.

So I dare you to stand up for an Equal Money System - and if you do not get it - study, educate, empower yourself with REAL, practical knowledge, about how to stop self-dishonesty within ourselves and within the world One and Equal.

Thank you very Much

Summing up Why I experience immediate urge sometimes to end being with my partner and why I still am with her

2011-05-28T21:38:00.003+02:00

Ranting about current situation with my partner.

With my partner there are some issues what we face regularly.
I might mention points what I already wrote about - but as these are still here as my reality - I write about these again.

I face the point that I am planning to leave the country. I've decided to be with S, who is my partner since months. The original plan was to leave until June 30.
At this moment it is more practical to stay - but this 'planned end' of our 'agreement' to stand together and explore what would mean to be together within self-honesty - will be postponed.

However I experienced this urge to end it regardless of my stay. Why?

I wanted simply to restart - I made mistakes - and not all of them I corrected within physical living - and sometimes I experience a need for 'pullback', to walk alone again and restart my process so to speak from blank - as there were acceptances by me what compromised my self-honest walk since the beginning from our relationship.

Specifically there were some points what I simply did say that I do embrace - but within moments I exposed my dishonesty as physically I did not - and at moments when I judged our relationship - I wanted to quit - regardless of our agreement on we stand by each other until I stay in this city.

Mostly when I mentioned to her to end it in 'harmony' at June 30, as I've prepared myself to do so, as the original 'plan' was - she ended up reacting emotionally and disagreeing with me extensively and making me decide to end it immediately or end it until I'm here.
That point we faced about 4-5 times intensely and we ended up staying together - however there are still some reactions within me what makes me wonder, why still I become unsure within my already made decision.

Three points I can see within me what would impulse me into want to 'end' our agreement...well it's in fact four.

one
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-an other particular woman who I meet regularly and sometimes I experience temptation however I already considered to approach to start a relationship what we could transform into an agreement - but as she explained her starting point and her desires - I can not give what she seeks - family, love and those things and I never would want such things. Yet we meet and she is alone and attractive - and at one point I experienced self-compromise by 'defining that she would not start with a man who is in an other relationship' - and by that I was waving for a moment - because the trust I did put into her - the directive principle, the 'decision' - instead of myself, here being the directive principle simply unambiguously stating that I am already with somebody and that's more than enogh. Recently I am doing this - yet sometimes I still experience direct playouts from my unconscious what I notice when I am already doing physically, for instance touching her hand.

two
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-I still experience urges sometimes to engage into sex with my partner - and sometimes it is more than 'gently asking to do so' and I am being moved by self-accepted sexual desire - somehow it's like I stopped most of conscious mind-plays about women and sex, I stopped to watch sexual media, and then there is only one way I allow to go sexually: my partner - so I sometimes am being directed by this point, at least only with my partner - however I would stop sexual activities for a moment, to see, understand, write, forgive and stop the inner reactions according to sex - for instance 21 days of no sex. But that is strongly denied by my partner at the moment, as she told me that within a 'partnership' it is required to do sex.
In other way - it's great, because I experience sex - I do not desire after sex - so the dishonesties about sex(definitions, reactions) might stop if we continue it only on physical level, but at the moment I am still a man of extremes - do it with full power or not do it at all, so I am sometimes doing ping-pong 'between the two edges' of this polarity.

three
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-my partner is participating with great velocity within tibetian buddhist medhodology, what is obviously self-deception from it's starting point - however when we came together - I've decided to embrace that point and stand and not being influenced and reacted by that at all - yet at occasions I still storm about that - and her starting point is that the basic practices she started(about years to do so), she wants to finish it as she defines it very assisting - regardless of my absolute unweavering expression of it's 'bullshitness' - and about that point - we, as it looks like - never can come in a full unison. However she is interested in self forgiveness - and we did openly speaking self forgiveness about our currently experienced dishonesties - to open up and share shit and express the will for wanting and actually living for changing. But she would never share her insights within a blog or vlog - or using her birth name related with such things. Or for instance she wants her very curly hair grow until her hip regardless of my pushing to cut off - because she wants to see how it would be that long - and she has a 4 years old kid and she fears that if she would diviate from 'looking or acting normal' she would be kicked off from her job and then she would face extreme difficulties to support her kiddo. So she never wants to undertake her inner process(especially self-dishonesties) to be shared on the internet with anybody. And sometimes I see as she exposes her point of view regarding to Equal Money System as an 'ego-play' puppet-game directed by Bernard - and she obviously does not want to realize the responsibility within our participation within the current abuse within the current money system and how practically we could prepare ourselves to direct the situation to manifest something what is best for all. And these are serious points within this and I sometimes 'feel like'(lol) I compromosed way too much by these only one by one as individual points and I want to correct it in a moment like a snatch even if it would mean a crispy end of our attempt to form a one and equal agreement being walked physically. I remember, because of seeing this clearly - once even I wondered exactly as the following: 'Am I this stupid?'

four
----
-sometimes I judge my process, I judge my location and I judge my 'progress' instead of acting within consistency - and in those moments my 'good old methods' try to come out by my inner participation: step out from the current location and try to do a 'fresh new start' alone for instance simply go to a new country and from it's beginning, being very determined about what and who and how I allow to be within my reality. This is a point what I am pushing since 3 years I placed myself into a constancy by staying at the same workplace, but I still experience different facets of my expressions regarding to 'I am at workplace with the people who I am with while I earn money' and the 'private life of myself'.
In the beginning I've decided not to promote desteni at my workplace because I experienced I that might could not handle that without participating within mind-energy, and the importance to financially stabilize myself I preferred, so that's the situation.
Well, the contract by I work - in fact protects me by the word 'diversity' - as no one can start any issue regarding to political or religious or or sexual preference any view what is not directly related to the job unless it is not harming the collegaues or the efficiency of the job. So sometimes, I experience the need to expose it and see how they process my point of view - and by my judgments - I made myself to be sure that many of those would perceive me as a some sort of 'nazi' because of my principle of no middle ground within the process by the following: Do you stand as all as one as equal within oneness and equality and give up personality manifestations of the mind entirelly or not.

So by these four points, I still accept myself to be unsure and by that I am compromising even the possibility to form a REAL agreement - and if I am self honestly looking these points - and if I could do anything what I could do(physically at this moment I prefer not to) - I would move to London to the guy who I already lived for a while before and then by 'walking alone' again, finding a new job and changing my living-conditions to be able to do more Process-related activities, such as internet-activities through social networking, blogging, vlogging, sharing my insights, studies, learnings, point of views from where I came from etc...

But at this moment I already placed myself into a situation where I am responsible for supporting my mother financially and I've decided to be able to afford desteniiprocess/SRA course without any brake.

Again - four points I wrote, and within the next blog post I will write self forgiveness sentences according to where I am aware of self-dishonesty within this writing.

And why I am still with her? At the beginning(about 8 months ago), I did assessed the situation and I came out with that I can handle this and I can remain myself without losing myself with her. Many points we can discuss, and many times she notes to me that I am flying away - not always, but still at points I programmed myself into automatic self-dishonesty(for instance how I 'handle' 'another' women as sometimes playing out something like appears physically as I am initiating with them, and I am not even directly aware of this)

It is obvious that we are being faced extensively - and sometimes in fact I am bitchy for instance by these points - and when she says that this is way too unpleasant for her - I remind her that this should be a self-honest agreement, not a pink romantic continous two-sided self-deluded high - then she replies that regardless to anything we could do so by enjoying it and ourselves without any 'frozen moments'.
So then I comes out with this: I always did quit when I faced conflicts - and still - and never I stood by something as principle, and by oneness and equality - never - and if I decided to stand with her until I do not leave the country - then I should do so.
And she also says this - and maybe I am being manipulated by this point because regardless of my bipolar edgy temperament - she enjoys it(our walk) and me because she never was with a man who with she could discuss points this directly.
As it looks, she is quite similar within expression to my mother and I am very alike within how my mind works as his father - and that's an other point but this writing ends here.

Self forgiveness on energy, consistency

2011-05-28T16:39:00.005+02:00

Energy, defining 'woman-like' energy based on self-judgments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that woman has longer energy cycles than men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define somebody according to his/her gender.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as they have longer cycles because of menstruation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself energetically as a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to gender.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to recognize that I have allowed myself to define myself according to genders.
---
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to the computer when something is not works like I imagined or preferred - instead of realizing that by knowing the system I can embrace it and direct it as myself but if I judge it - I am separated from it and I am being directed by this point of separation as my self-accepted self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am accepting myself as anger at the moment when I exert it onto things, people instead of realizing that if I do not participate - it is not here as it is not real but if I move according to anger - I am of it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my anger towards to the computer is in fact an anger towards myself - but if I do not realize this - I am not able to stop it as i am occupied with the computer instead of looking into myself and see the core of the anger of myself.
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Fear from not I am not being good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from others might say or think that I am not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making mistakes, because I defined mistake as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as bad because then I would think or perceive myself as unworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as unworthy.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to exist without definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am defining - I am of and as the past what is not real here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to moments when I judged myself as I am not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to the event that when I was a little kid and my mother sent me into choir and after the first session, the teacher told me that 'you should not need to come next time' and then I've defined myself as not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being not good enough because then I might not be needed for anybody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be needed by others instead of being myself as who I am as Life, regardless of anybody or anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to prove that I am good enough for others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to proving that I am good enough for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I would judge myself as good enough, I could be a better man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become a better man because as who I am here, I've defined myself as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from people's judgement as 'bad'.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that if I act according to polarity of good/bad - I am of this polarity equation, I am limited to this polarity system, I am of this system, who and how I act is of this self-accepted self-definition system.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am accepting myself according to polarity manifestations such as good and bad - I can not comprehend what is physically here because I am participating, I am expressing through and as and within a system what is not physical, what is not here, what is not consistent, what is not best for all.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if my principle is not 'what is best for all' - then I am of self-definition system by participating within definitions what I reacted to within the past by self-accepted self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my expression according to any memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on expectations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 'I am not good enough' instead of realizing that I am using self-definitions to compare myself with self-accepted definitions, what are in fact based on specific self-dishonesty points.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how I do participate within the self-definition of 'I am not good enough', instead of being absolutely self-honest with myself and seeing what self-dishonesty I've accepted and become within myself and then realizing how and why I participate within such a self-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I compare myself to anything according to judgments about things - I am of definitions, I am of memories, I am of dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I participate within such a statement, as 'I am not good enough' - I am participating within a polarity system, based on positive and negative - as 'good' and 'bad' - and within this system - I am limited of this polarity system.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I act within self-definition based on judging myself according to 'good and bad' - I am of the mind, I am of the self-definitions, I am of dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others according to polarity-based value systems, such as 'good and bad' - instead of realizing that within participation of polarity of the mind - I am limited to self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept such a judgment within myself as 'I am not good enough in zzz' - then I have self-definitions accepted and 'lived' as system within myself as self-dishonesty according to 'zzz' - for instance writing music.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I experience such a reaction within me as inner reaction(thoughts) or outer reaction(spoken words) - then I must realize the subject of this judgment and seeing what preconditions I've limited myself into and as and I forgive those as letting go and stopping to participate within to let go any definitions of the mind unconditionally.

----
Fear from not having enough time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not have enough time instead of realizing that if I separate myself from time - I am not aware of it as myself but of and as judgments.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that 'not having enough time' is self-dishonesty as time in physical reality is not relevant as it can not be touched.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define myself as 'I do not have enough time' when I participate within a polarity system where I judge my acts according to self-definitions such as 'useful' and 'unuseful'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself as Self-Will all ways here, but I am being directed by influences by the senses, as I am being directed and influenced by impulses through manifesting self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to specific activities and if I do not 'act out' these activities - then I define myself that I am not myself - instead of realizing that this self-defined depiction, based on self-definitions is of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define parts of myself as more important than other parts of myself for instance in a moment I define sexual activities as not important because I defined other activities as more important, for instance doing my job - and by that I am acting according to definitions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do suppress sexual activities because I do not have time for this - then this activity, what I suppress - will compound energetically - and this energetic compound will be exerted in a moment when I am not directing myself as myself as presence as breath as physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am suppressing any part of myself - I am compromising equality within myself and by the principle as oneness and equality - the suppression will be equalized by systematic energetic charge-ups and discharges regardless of my will.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am possessed with a specific type of expression - I am not myself but of system of self-definition-based act without I am being aware of the why and how and in fact it may occur that I am unable to stop it as it is 'being expressed' when I am not here as the directive principle as Self.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I define for instance computer gaming as 'complete waste of time' - yet I've defined myself according to computer gaming - I manifest suppression of 'wanting to play computer games according to self-definition' - and when this suppression is getting too much - it will take over regardless of my actual 'conscious decisions' of time management of my day and I will be 'possessed to play out' computer games according to self-accepted self-definitions - and physically manifesting the playing computer game continuously - regardless of my Location as current responsibilities - and by that - at the end of the day - I will experience this 'not having enough time'.

Instead of realizing - that looking into myself at the moment and deciding to give specific recurring timeframe for instance for computer gaming for 2x2 hours a week and then I will not suppress it and it will not grow inside - and I will be able to assist myself to not being lost within time by suppressing and exerting self-definition-based expressions to stabilize myself for a moment until I can stop self-definition-based programmed expressions.
The same goes with all activities, for instance at the moment: music, sex with my partner etc.

When I do say - I do not have enough time - I am not present within moments and then I am unable to direct myself to act according to my decisions to do my activities - then I experience that I do not have enough time, then after some 'self-defining of I do not have enough time' - I define myself consciously as 'I do not have enough time' - but then I experience this frustration that I can not do what I decided to do so - and I am not the directive principle to be able to 'give time' - then I resonantly start to fear from not having enough time - and participating within this system - I am not consistent but fighting against time, fighting against myself and this is unacceptable.
I stop define myself according to time or lack of time.
I am here - I direct myself - and what is here physically is who I am - what is here right in front of my nose - this is who I am - this is what I take on without defining it - without defining it separated from me.
------------
Fear from not having the tools what require for the specific expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having the tools what are required for specific expressions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to my definitions of requirement for doing specific tools instead of realizing that I can always support myself with the basic tools of writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application - to realize what obsticles I've manifested and accepted within and as my reality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the past I've defined myself as 'I do not have tools to express myself according to what I want' - and for releasing this fear - I've participated extensively within the current money system to be able to support myself and I did - and at this moment the tools are here with me - as my reality - and I've accepted and allowed myself to remain within this self-definition - without realizing that I've changed and the tools are here already, so redefining myself who I am is required regardless of the tools what I have as the starting point of myself is always myself standing here instead of defining my starting point according to physical tools and by that limiting myself extensively.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the tools what I've defined as 'required' to express myself - I can access, I can support myself to express myself - this is at the moment physical fact, so I am releasing this self-definition, that 'I fear that I do not have the tools to support and express myself'.

I am releasing and letting go this self-definition that I do not have the tools to support myself and in fact using what is here as myself without separation is the way to express myself.

Consistency

2011-05-25T22:51:00.007+02:00

Realizing and scripting up Consistency.

My tendency to not share constantly for a while then bursting out in great velocity then stopping the movement is what I take on this time.

The Sexual desire what I decided to walk through at this moment is not bugging me as before as my walk with my partner is quite stabilized - regardless of my exerts of exposing my need to be able to 'see the end' of my agreement-relationship is sometimes still an issue, but yesterday we had a breakthrough in the spa when from blank 'harmony' I fucked up our trust for a moment and as this repeated for about 3-4 times already - I was able to recognize the pattern of self-dishonesty within that and I am able to see that I can embrace this point without issues from now on - yet I must stabilize this by writing out and making a VLOG - but this is already what I enjoy - when I walk a point and when I can share it with anyone on the planet - or I am ready to face the point as myself publicly - I experience this kind of joy of sharing my inner shit what I realized: this is not who I really am, this I can stop, this part of myself as self-dishonesty I can stop and by sharing this - I stand - at my blog, at youtube, anywhere. This is very cool - the sharing.

So the point what I experience as self-dishonesty as self-created-fuckup is this energy waving.
This time I will pronounce points by coloring specifically what I will write self-forgiveness(the next blog post) about for instance defining myself as woman-like slow-energy-waves for instance things what come up in long cycles, and my conscious mind is more likely operates on 'daily basis' - therefore I am not even aware of these cycles for instance what are directing me within me for instance in monthly cycles.

Procrastination I manifest by energetic cycles by judging my momentary situation.

---------
muthafucka blogger session lost my whole post and this was the last draft about 1/4 of the writing(blame, anger)
NEXT TIME I WRITE INTO NOTEPAD PlusPlus and only the final to put into browser as this happened so many times already, mostly when I spend hours with one post.

fortunately I am aware of this point this time so I write down the conclusion this time.

So using offline text editor to continue.

1.Fear from not I am not being good enough
2.Judging it before I finish it - defining things outside from me(my painting, my music etc) it as 'not good enough' - separating the thing from me and fear from not being good enough - the other part of the 1st point of perceived separation.
3.Fear from not having enough time
4.Fear from not having the tools what require for the specific expression

Mostly the 4th point I was pushing recently because that I could handle by investing money into tools. Hardware, software. So if this still comes up - bullshit, definition from the past - I must redefine myself and my environment - as I already start 'projects' what I see that I can do.

3. Not having enough time. I decide what to spend within my 'timeframe' - so if I do not give time to something - then let it go.
And momentary influences can come up for instance while I ate my dinner, I started to watch a movie and even when I finished my eat - I was still watching the film, because I defined it 'interesting', 'cool', 'fascinating', it's like unconsciously fear from not having enough time and by that I am manifesting 'not having enough time'. Trap of 22.
Self definition I must stop the cycle.

2 - It's like painting a house and first I make a draft and I say: it's shit - even before I finish it - if I am not satisfied - I restart it - if I can not do it - I must re-evaluate my location and capabilities and I might let go or re-schedule this 'project' with common sense - without reacting, without blaming myself, simply, HERE.

1 - When I was kid - I had no experience and liveable knowledge about how to do things - and I've defined myself as that - and I learnt - but my self-definition did not change - resonantly I am still that if I do not stop participate within that definition - if I do not re-define myself according to my current location, if I do not forgive and let go these within moment to re-write my reality by acting by walking through these unreal fears.

So I must embrace these points within me - and seeing how I participate and why.

Because I compound inner reactions what will explode within expression - but this is still not self-expression until it is conditioned to energy in any way whatsoever.

For instance I've decided to learn basic of kung fu - and I realized - if I want to steel my palm and fist - I must practice it day by day - continuously - and that is already progressing - it is an experiment to see - and to experience this daily practice. And each day I do not practice this 5 minutes - but about 5 of 7 yes. And slowly but surely there is a progress, yet much to be walked. So that I can do - I can be consistent but I must stand the whole thing without inner reaction - without judgment, without accepted-fear, without projection, without hope.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for my fear will disappear without my active participation instead of realizing that if the fear would disappear by a condition 'outside from me' - then I am of this condition, I can be directed by this condition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear to not needing to change and not risking failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from failure instead of realizing that failure is judgment based on already accepted fear.

Support Equal Money System Practically

2011-05-24T01:47:00.003+02:00

Self forgiveness on desire, energy

2011-05-02T09:10:00.002+02:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my homework of SRA instead of realizing -
if I do not push it as myself - it as myself as one as equal I do not move but the mind constructs move me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am possessed by thoughts and I accepted myself as inferior to thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thinking by the starting point of 'taking the time within the mind' - instead of
realizing that this is of self-deception this is of self-escaping from who I am here as what I have allowed to manifest as myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not not apply the tools consistently day by day as myself - I am not living the tools as myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not submit into temptations of the mind as energy as sexual excitement as energetic waves -
I am subjected to energy and I am of energy - instead of realizing that I participate within energy and within that I am determined as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as an energy machine as I am always trying to energize myself by ways what I defined as
making me energetically high - instead of realizing that I manifested a polarity equation within high and low based on definitions of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not stop participate to pictures and sounds by sexual excitement -
then I am defined and influenced and directed by pictures and sounds.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I use sexual excitement as attention diversion from what I am here from what I must walk here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that my purpose is to strive for sexual excitement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ass and pussy and tits and face as sexually exciting instead of realizing that these are of
the definitions from the mind - as these are not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become programmed to seek sexual excitement constantly by stimulating my vision by focusing specific
woman bodies and reacting energetically by feeling the definition and value of what I see for instance a shape of a woman body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop participating within sexually arousing pictures and videos because simply in moments I do not
stop because I hope that within my understanding that this is self-deception I will unlikely do so - but in fact - who I am and who I define myself as - is of
this sexual arouse definition system within as I participate - I am of this sexual energy system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider to have sex with another one than my partner who I agreed with to share sexual experiences
with only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the people who I am with for instance as I am at the office and as men
express their sexual desire - I do the same - even when I am aware of this is of self-deception - instead of standing straight stable within this point as the
practical walk of understanding that realization is when I physically walk the practical stopping within self-deception - regardless of what it is, as for instance
within this case is sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the amount of suppressed sexual desire and energy what I build and compound
by accepting specific thoughts and inner reactions for instance watching someone and comparing imagines what I saw in past and defined as sexual and exciting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex with multiple people because then I would define the sexual excitement as multiplied,
so then it would be more effective within energy participation based on my definitions of sexual excitement what are in fact simply self-made, make-belief systems.
I stop define myself according to sexual desire.
I stop define sexual desire as required.
I stop accepting myself as sexual desire.
I stop desire - if I desire - I must realize - I am not experiencing but I am striving for re-live an energetic experience within participating something what
I've defined as exciting.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not move - then my mind move and I am nowhere but of self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that participating within such energetic experiences as sexual arouse and excitement is here when
I am not here as myself but of self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed that I compounded sexual energy because I defined it as 'bad'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as something as required otherwise I am not able to release my energetic overcharges what
is the result of costant and continuous participation within thoughts and feelings and emotions,
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I if I am not applying self forgiveness unconditionally when I experience ANY sex-related inner reaction,
then I am compounding a system within and as me.
It is the only way that when I experience that I participate within sexual-inner reaction what is not physical movement as myself as my partner - I MUST apply
self forgiveness immediately as myself as the inner reaction as I am unifying myself here as fully here as I am here stopping myself as desire one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compromise myself sexually with the justification of 'many colleagues do the same and they obviously desire after
sex without realizing that they are participating within self-dishonesty and by that I can do the same without they would say to me that I am dishonest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself simply not stating out my starting point clearly regarding to sexual desire as it is
self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act as self dishonesty would be normal as others do the same.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do stand out and state out and say who I am according to I am not going to accept desire as myself
within my reality - then I am responsible of what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged by my self-defined self-contained sexual desire instead of letting it go simply.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to myself as I participated again within sexual desire and I was took over by the desire wherein
I was not here as myself but of desire as desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being consumed by sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from physically react to sexual temptation because then it would make me have an extraordinaly energetic
possession of sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sexual arousement as intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my definition of intensity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity according to physical experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity through definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity as good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity as preferable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define unimportant what I've definet as not intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a perceptional shield within my mind to not perceive what I've defined as not intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define important only what I defined as intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experience my reality as too intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to intensity.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my participation of the polarity manifestation of intense and not intense - I am of definitions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I might defined points within me as not intense as irrelevant instead of realizing that all of myself
are equal and one as myself - the moment is here and if I define a moment as not important as I've defined moments according to intensity - then I am not able
to experience moment as reality but as of definitions according to my perceived and self-created dimension of intensity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to provoke being moved by moments what I've defined as intense.
I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to take self responsibility by realizing that if I am leaving even one 'gate opened' within my mind - I am not able to
remain here as there will be gates where I will still accept self dishonesty.

For instance when I am realizing that I participate within sexual energy and desire - then I let it go and I do say, I am here focusing on stopping participation within
desire - but then if I still accept thoughts according to other things than sexual desire - - then I can not be sure that the same starting point of self-dishonesty
is effectively being stopped - because I change only the picture within my mind - but the energetic, polarity-based participation in fact is the same.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do accept sexual desire within me then I will accept sexual desire within my surroundings also.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider my starting point and actions based on what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do consider my starting point based on my self-interest - I am not able to grasp the starting point of what is best
for all.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that understanding process and the necessity of Equal Money System is not enough - I actually must become the act as the
manifestation - otherwise I am not one and equal within my deeds and my words written and speaken.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to practically develop and discipline myself to be able to remain here consistent without participate within backchat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to backchat.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop backchat within myself at the begining instead of realizing that I must breath and remain here and experience
Physical constantly as myself and if something would try to get my attention within myself from the definition of the past - then I stop, breathe, I am here, I release.

If I experience back chat, if I experience thinking, if I experience this energetic participation within my head - I physically breathe, I let it go - I forgive, I stop.
If I experience an inner reaction towards somebody's words - for instance thinking that I should 'answer' to somebody that 'something' - then I should realize
- this is of self-definition and I should remain silent instead of speaking the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize when I am not here but as of energetic experience of being continuously driven by thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply the tools every day regardless of my energetic experience - simply I forgive myself that I have accepted
to participate within thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired if I do not participate within thoughts for a time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts and then defining myself as tired because of participating within thoughts.

Okay, from the beginning, specifically related to family and early watched movies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sexual desire as attention divertion from 'I am here within fear'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing my fear,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from experience fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am alone within this process within this existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing myself within this existence as I defined myself less than existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experience myself as less than existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing myself as less than existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as less than existence.
I am one and equal as existence as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing existence as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing existence because then I would lose myself within the experience of existence -
instead of realizing that I am one and equal with and as existence - if I am one and equal as fear as existence - I am separated from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move according to fear or move according to avoiding fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I fear of - is also myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing myself instead of realizing that who I am really - I can not lose.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am breathing here as within awareness as I am here as the physical - then I am not of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as a diversion attention from fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to fear from fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself according to avoiding confrontation with my fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I think - I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to equate the energetic charge of my fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize - that if I think something about - it is within and as the words what I fear of.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as an excuse from not stopping participate within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to conceal the fact that I fear by for instance smiling, because if I act as smiling - probably no one would
note that I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others when I see them as they fear - instead of realizing that my judgment towards others according
to fear - is judgment towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within judging others - I am exposing myself as self-dishonesty - so within that - I can realize my
self dishonesty.
I am here as breath as act as physical movement within the interest of what is best for all.
I do not accept myself not moving because of fear - I stand up to fear as one as equal - I walk through fear by writing and self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the consequences of my deeds - instead of realizing that it is inevitable.

Some direct experiences

When my mother was having sex with a guy and I was listening in an other room and I felt excited and I could not sleep because I felt like I was falling into
eternity what made me feel like I was falling out from myself and I defined this undefined as fearful and avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experience reality as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing my human physical body physically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experiencing physical as too intense.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define something as too intense what I would not prefer to experience as I defined it as I can not handle it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to handle an experience because I can not predefine everything so it is unknowno.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define unknown as fearful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define unknown as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define unknown as fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define acting physically as unknown and fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as preferable according to acting because apparently thinking is not as fearful as acting
instead of realizing that by thinking I am already in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define specific experiences as arousing according to my definitions of what is arousing of what I've defined
as attention divertion from myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about a colleague who I've defined as sexually arousing - instead of realizing that I am reacting to
my own definitions and she is not at all responsible for what I experience according to her as arousing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that many times I participate within sexual desire when I've defined myself as I am tired or I am bored.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as required when I do not want to face myself.

to be continued

intensified physical

2011-04-05T21:14:00.005+02:00

facing physical limitation

after 15 years I decided to play soccer, recently I noticed that I can take intense physical exercises and if I do it with presence, it's cool for my body.

When I was a kid, I was in the village's soccer team, I was back, protecting the goalie mostly because I was hanging around back there and when the opponent team's members were approaching, my duty was to be extremely fast and direct and take the ball or kick it away.

My colleagues had more stammina, there were 3x3 membered teams and round robin we played in 10 minutes.

In the 5th minute I felt like I am spitting my lungs and strong sting pain was in my calves and my ankle felt like weird and I had to realize that my body did not do this kind of things since long years - but I had to spend some minutes rushing like a demon and doing everything to be successful - it's ball-related.

So In the beginning I jumped into the situation with full blown, like a street-fight - rushing down the others and they are doing this weekly team-play and their technique was way more better so mostly I just noticed that I missed the ball and then I did push more my body and my speed and will - I did not play that bad - but physically I was exhausted after the 10 minutes - about in the 8th minute I had even some sort of need to vomit but I breathed through - not much thinking was common sensical - some thoughts I allowed but then it was obvious that HERE is my body, HERE I breathe, I must be aware of my body otherwise I am not able to direct myself...

In the second match - I had to realize that if I am not rushing - I am able to have an overview of the field, to see how the opponents are doing the tactic and I realized - I can not outrun them as I am already tired, so it was an interesting playout to wait with the physical energy burst until the last moment when it is the best to push - timing and rhythmic - but I realized - my calves and ankles is simply too tired to do what I want from them - and it was like I want to step in about 60 centimeters and then my feet did about just 30 - and many times I lost my balance and rolled over the floor with some lol - so much enjoy I experienced simply by physically playing around.

This is like my approach from the mind into physical - first time I jump in like a paratrooper and then I realize I do not have the parachute so first approach is a fall into the ground and then I am experiencing some sort of possession of wanting to do it best and pushing my limits until I fall.

Then after a while when I realize - this body can not take that much - then I pull back and then I am trying to figure out the situation based on assumptions and then re-approaching but at the direct physical confrontation - I re-forget and doing the same.

Also I noticed that many times I used my hands - mostly it was around my head - as I conditioned myself with aikido and wing tsun to directly push my hands into the face of others - ok I was not hitting but simply 'wanting to not use my hands' - did not stop my hands lol.

And there was a time when I was watching the others and I became a bit more 'calm' when I saw the others are also getting tired - but about at the 4th-5th round - I was almost unable to outrun and catch the ball - and my ankle that time started to simply do not hold me really and I was like waving and falling and then I realized - again - breath, hold, timing, push.

I wanted to play soccer only once - just for fun with the colleagues, but if I write specifically - many of my 'programmed strategies within the physical - related to the mind' - can be walked.

In the long term - I will switch this to wing chun but for now I will consider to do soccer again.

The sexual drive within me - by these 'sporty' occasions - is really reducing - it's not a need anymore.

Also the backchats are extremely reducing meanwhile the physical application, simply there is no time as the mind consumes so much moments and meanwhile the HERE changes and if I am still within my head - then I am screwed and always after the events, not being able to become one and equal with and as the event as myself as self-direction.

My biggest ?-mark here is that I told to my partner that I am leaving the country and she does not like it - at the beginning I told her that I will leave her and the country in summer - and she is okay with this but about once in a week she bursts out some semi-sane shit about she feels like being used and as like a bitch and then it was almost over because of this - I experienced this: 'felt like before' as we argued MUCH in Cambodia about 4 years ago and it started to re-manifest and then I was like 'breath through, breath through' then I realized breathing is not enough, this is me, I must act otherwise I am stopped and waiting for reality within some sort of energetic state of hope what is unacceptable as I already faced this a thousand time and the matrix is like a casino - once it makes me lucky and then it makes me loose everything, so I do not trust in the matrix, I trust myself or if a situation proved that I missed - then it's like within this I can not trust myself so I must use tools to support and stabilize myself to push myself through this self-doubt, because HERE is no way but push self as self without any con, no purpose, no reason, but this is who I am, I am here.

The consequences of this soccer are some coughing and neck-strain and probably tomorrow some muscle-tension and ankle-ambigousness.

I experienced some moments very direct-like physical experiences, that was what made this need for vomit for about a minute - some systems I experienced a bit more directly than as usual - I must be able to stabilize myself and stand within and as the physical consequences of my 'decisions' from the beginning and the pain I must not step back when it is here - I embrace pain, I embrace the physical as myself as breathing as self-movement.

There were moments when my ankle was like it requires medical attention and after about a minute it was OK again, but I must be aware of every step even within intensified physical applications because I already faced this ankle-point many times and I was steeping literally for months.

a company

2011-03-27T23:35:00.002+02:00

About the company: it is strong and aggressive and has a significant domination in media industry. By this direct presence within people's mind - who are constantly subjected by these perfectly designed artistic tales, stories, animations and of course: advertisements - and by influencing humans to buy the products of this company, regardless of it's high price.

Because they know how the human mind operates, how to 'catch it' through the visual and the story and the characters and then so to speak: just pull the people into the creator's world and then take them to a ride within their mind because when people at home watch media, it's like they are with a family member - or in a cinema where it is huge and loud - it is the same. From the moment the human watches a media - the media directs the situation and humans tend to make apparently logical connections, associations, memories, specifically pinpointed with these pre-scripted stories and situations and by the words combined with the music - humans react with emotions and energetically intensified moments can be experienced.

These experiences what they will try to re-experience but in fact to find, when people start to do as they see it constantly in the media.

Or it is on unconscious level and it is like a random pool of memories and mind-connections but the more is being filled up with this specific media from this specific company - the more chance that it is being manifested in real world because humans are being directed by impulses coming from the unconscious. It is us but we are not conscious of it - but it is here - and we do not see it.

We do not see a part of ourselves who we are in this moment and that's why we do not know that we do not know and that's why we are not real.

Because we are being directed by media for instance.

Because this specific company walks as it walks as the law allows. Lawall.

We must learn how to stop the mind domination - the conscious, subconscious, the unconscious mind we must walk within full awareness and practical self-corrective application by releasing any memory, any definition, all judgment, all emotions, all feelings, all thoughts - they are not required - but for the man to be the unification, all must be stopped, released, removed completely.

If we would have this rate of media publicity - it is direct power over the mind. Because if we do not direct ourselves as minds as one as equal to correct our physically manifested consequences, then the mind directs ourselves into absolute self-deception, self-abuse, self-exploitation, self-destruction. It is clear that we humans lost the directive principle, only our mouth 'walk', our mind 'move' but not as Human Physical Body as direct physical beings within and this reality. We must move ourselves breath by breath otherwise the mind we can not release - not the mind is the nasty in fact but we, who participate constantly, repeatedly, consistently.

This is the absolute self-deception, the starting point of nothing. Within consciousness - the minds are nothing. Nothing constant, consistent - but the humans are related to the mind constantly, consistently. See? Way over we lost everything and we are starting from scratches, yet judging the amoebas as lower 'level' life form as they are 'just' one cell but we are not aware of any of our cells.

cellphone

cell ph one

sell ph eno

sol

Power of the mind is the power of the deception.

Power is deception.

Power is not real.

The people who buy this specific company's products - obviously can afford to do so. This is an important point in this. They literally buy into this and with that money the company can expand - and then it has more media presence and then it can 'walk into' more human minds and then those will buy more products and it is all about this word 'buy'.

Because at the moment not everyone can afford to buy such products - only a very few - related to the whole. And this few has the privilege through having money - and they can literally buy these experiences from this company, but the others can't.

Within an Equal Money System - people would not distinguish to share with others regarding to financial status in the money hierarchy, people would not make decisions according to price, according to worthiness of revenue.

Because sometimes(if not always) the income is made through exploitation, through harm, through abuse - regardless of the amount, it is unacceptable.

The current Law System is protecting the Abuse through Money in the name of 'free choice', in the name of 'democracy' and in the name of 'free market' - but these words are deceptive - as in fact there is no free choice, there is no free market, and there is no such thing as democracy literally - as by definition it should mean that the nation is directing but in reality - the nation is being directed by definitions coming from a few who has control over the media for instance.

Within the Current Money System Who has significant power within the media industry - is only interested within revenue - what is coming from the people who the media experts learnt to entertain, to influence, to manipulate by and as their mind. There is nothing personal within this existing - it is simply consciousness network manifestation within the physical.

partner self forgiveness

2011-03-20T21:28:00.006+01:00

Regarding to my partner, after walked some memory timelines in SRA, since the beginning of my "knowing of her", some points obviously became visible as dishonesties within me
I started to grasp the mind constructs, but there are points what I still must practically walk by myself - anyway more will come

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that if a woman sits to front of me that means that she likes me and want to make me contact her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am handsome in circumstances when I behave properly, cloth properly and speak properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a woman as attractive according to her picture presentation within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to being attractive to a specific kind of woman who I defined as similar to my perceived picture presentation of my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a determined 'type' of woman who is for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after women who I can define as attractive according to my rules of attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define somebody as attractive according to my definitions of attractiveness based on pictures what I react to energetically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare S.'s face with Sigourney Weaver because I've defined Sigourney's face as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my mother's physical representation and picture as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with woman who I can define as similar to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be someone who I can relate with my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be with a woman only who I can define as similar to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define S. according to my ideas of beauty, according to my beliefs about what is nice and what is ugly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with people who I can define as nice, attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mesmerized by faces of women who I defined as nice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically react to faces of specific women who I defined as nice, attractive, sexy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the beauty polarity system and not realizing that my beliefsystems are determining what I actually experience, not myself, directly here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect somebody to be perceived in real life as I perceived her/him on pictures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and define people actually by seeing and reacting to their picture presentation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define curly, bubbly hair as awesome.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being attracted to specific pictures and not realizing the polarity system being accepted within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with a woman who is seeking after enlightenment because I also used to be seeking after the delusion called enlightenment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being attracted towards a specific woman, who I can define as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus only to the positive instead of realizing that by participating within the positively defined half of the polarity - I am actually responsible for and being directed through the negative as well, as one as equal as I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike cigarette smoke.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed, instead of realizing that when I do expect and it is not going to happen, then I am responsible for the self-experience of being disappointed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope, instead of realizing that within the moment here: hope is not real, it is an energetically boosted excuse and justification to not act immediately because of self-fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can not have somebody for myself instead of wanting to 'have' somebody, we can exist within practical equality without possession.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be of desire after somebody or something - instead of realizing that desire is not real, it is compounded energetic system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize desire within me to energetically build up compounds with what I can face situations what I've defined as I can not face and walk through directly myself as self here without utilizing thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a situation as fucked up when I accept and allow myself to desire after somebody who already has a partner, instead of stopping participation within desire.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to release my desire but still participate within hope - that something outside of me, something what is not myself directly here - would influence, change, direct the situation for me within separation to actually being able to be with or have the subject of my desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stabilize myself and exist within and as an energetic polarity manifestation with what there is always a good point and a bad point within the things, according to my belief systems.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why and how I define situation s as wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being directed by my desire according to S..

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take self-responsibility for myself and for S. when I realized that regardless I do stop approaching her, I still allow her to be the directive principle, because I did not stop desiring after her, but in a way pretending that me, myself I did my best but she is in charge now. This is self-deception what must be stopped immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must kiss S. instead of realizing that this is not a must, it is of self-definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do project opinions, beliefs, judgments onto others as they would experience so, but in fact it is my issue what I try to put onto others to abdicate self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted to think and believe that S. wanted to kiss me when we first kissed - but in fact that was of myself, but by projecting it onto her - I had reason to kiss her based on that belief.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not resist to my desires, attractions instead of realizing that I am the responsible, I am the directive principle here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, feel myself as powerless because I am experiencing that I am being directed by my desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless, because I can not influence what is happening here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my self-accepted desire obsession/pressure is being relieved within orgasm instead of realizing that is of momentary relief and in fact I am not releasing, changing the desire/obsession of woman and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that orgasm is for release desire obsession/pressue energetic compounds within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed because I participated within S.'s cheating on his boyfriend with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of something, instead of realizing that I still feel ashamed because I did not change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within cheating regardless of my decision as I am not going to participate within such things because I see it as self-dishonesty and rather being direct and expressive within the starting point of self-honesty.
I forgive myself to think that something is going to happen what I would not prefer to happen yet I still participate within such act and then when it happened, thinking that I knew it - instead of acting immediately and if I already see how it's going to end and I do not want so - then I act and I direct the situation as myself here.
-----------
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act as I am not responsible for the consequences of my deeds - while in fact I am aware of it yet I still accept and allow myself to continue acting so.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not take responsibility, if I do not direct my reality - it will directly show me within physical consequences where I am not living one and equal with and as my self-accepted reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the consequence what I am responsible for - instead of stopping blaming and still acting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do shit into other's relationship instead of realizing that they are also responsible for what they accept and allow to manifest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am shit, I am weak, I am tired because of continuously facing of the consequences of my deeds, instead of realizing how and why I am directly responsible and not participate within dishonesty by simply stopping myself.
I forgive myself to not take self responsibility within my acts and regret the consequences instead of changing actually.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I did something already, then by stepping back I can undo the consequences, instead of using common sense to see the situation from it's beginning and take direct responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to stop myself being ashamed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am lost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be lost instead of realizing that I am always here as physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself want to quit from what I have done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to find an easy escape from my direct self resonsibility.
I forgive myself to not allow myself to trust in what my partner says, because already asserting that she is lieing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to open myself to anyone because I experienced some disappointment by trusting in others unconditionally, instead of trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am powerless, instead of realizing that this is a justification because I am directly involved within physical reality by speaking, acting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do miss myself, the nature of myself when things went not as I wanted - instead of realizing that anything and everything I experience is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always must enjoy myself no matter what happens.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being my purpose of enjoying myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must do what is right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not stop being attracted to the subject of my desire and all that I can is to leave.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not let go what I've done in the past regardless of the current circumstances here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not see S. then I will not have an issue within myself regarding to what I allowed to happen.

---
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face what I directly manifested, instead of realizing that there is no escape from what I've done.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that S. is nuts.
I forgive myself that I 've accepted and allowed myself to think of something about somebody instead of asking it directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I left S. because I saw the consequences of my deeds and I wanted to redo that even with the possibility that I would not enjoy it - and in fact I would not do so - only I allowed myself to think that way to make myself relieved for a moment from this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I fucked up the relationship thing with S..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity about one girl did not wanted to share her masturbation experience with me because I've defined it as a must have experience for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define S.'s pussy as extremely attractive and arousing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel being lifted, aroused and energised when I think of pussy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attraction towards S.'s body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically attracted to S.'s body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like S.'s 'state of being' makes me feel creepy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is unstable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is unstable because how she acted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and feel that S.'s taste penetrates me, influences me and I fear that I would lose myself within this experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that who I am can be changed, instead of realizing that who I really am can not be changed, but who I am actually can be changed as it is not who I really am as Life as All as One as Equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that her taste I must remove otherwise I can lose myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I am facing my self-manifested consequences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when S. approaches me, because I think of what happened between us in Cambodia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about a conversation it will be ended at the same way as before - instead of realizing that I can be directive as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that S. is unpleasant for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want S. to be happy, to laugh because then I am good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I am with S. then we are not happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to S. about I do not feel anything regarding to her instead of opening myself up to her unconditionally without fearing that I would get hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself close myself down and not share myself with others because then I would get hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think S. as very bitchy and unstable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my situation with S. as I have a machine what I can not fix.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can not compassionate with S..
---
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define S. as attractive because she is opened with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define those people as attractive who open up to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if S. is in joy then she is very attractive.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is my type.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am lucky because I met with S..

-
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think S.'s awesome because I've defined her expression as strong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is expressing herself regardless of her gender.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think S. is attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I want to kiss her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is loyal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am in charge, because S. wants to be with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I should manipulate S. because then I would be in control.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must control within my relationship instead of considering practical equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I say to her that I like her too much, then she would feel she is in charge and then she would control me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate S. with my tonality and using specific words to make her believe that I do not really like her but more likely allowing her within my presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being controlled my partner if I would open myself up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within a relationship one must be the controller and the other one should be controlled instead of considering an equal agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can make her to fall in love to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control S. by her self-accepted love-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within a relationship two must constantly fight for dominancy instead of a sustainable equality what is actually supporting each other equally as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S.'s ass is very sexy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare S.'s picture representation to what I've defined before as attractive, nice, sexy within magazines, movies etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have an attractive girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there are woman who are not attractive as those who are in magazines, movies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say S. that she is nice because I think that makes her happy.

(to be continued)

slight movement procrastinated

2011-03-18T17:30:00.001+01:00

I am experiencing this slight movement inside what requires to be expressed. Often this I procrastinate. Then it is not the same already but of and as systems. If I express it, still of systems, but if I 'wait' - is of and as more systems. And if I judge my expression of my systems - or referred as my systematic expressions - then my judgment will be based on 'my systems' who I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
Defining systems, labeling systems, based on belief-systems for instance. No judgment but to be expressed it as self one and equal and see it within common sense. SRA is for develop common sense - through identifying systems programmed with words within and as my expressions and when the absolute specificity and direct insight as self intimacy - to be able to apply self forgiveness as the point as self as one as equal to assist and support myself within changing, within stopping the point as manifested self-dishonesty. No time for judgment. The Moment As Self Is Here. If I am experiencing through the mind - I am always one step behind the mind - I can be only all what is the mind, and the direct experience, the immediacy is gone.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I am breathing immediately.
I am here immediately.
I am acting immediately.
I am letting go of mind.
I am here as breath as physical act.
I am breath here as physical.
I am not of energy.
I am not energy.
I am not required energy to express.
I am breath as constancy as consistency as I am Here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on energy.
I forgive myself that I have not ever realized that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have not ever considered that all what I am is Here.

Decision

2011-03-07T23:58:00.002+01:00

I did not write here every day as I planned.
When I do skip a day - I have to discipline myself on the next day - otherwise I will skip more than one days - then after all - I will start it again.
Tomorrow at 8AM I am going to dentist, end of wisdom teeth part 2 - this will be operated out as well, this time the doctor says it will be about a hour.
I told to my boss that tomorrow I may late, if I will be not comfortable with working, I will skip the day.
It is a great opportunity to breath through uncomfortable experiences without reacting to definitions.
It is a great opportunity to let go the preconceptions and judgments about how and why I keep my breath back, holding it and trying to escape the reality - but in fact I am reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be separated from reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid experience direct reality in order to avoid specific experiences what I defined as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to let go my fear from syringe because I've defined it as avoidable because the pain I experienced by it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do skip a day without blogging effectively self honestly - then I will want to write blogging every day.
And wanting and actually acting is two different stories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up or give in to something what I did not discipline myself to do for a moment and then I let the whole thing go because I judge it as 'it's already fucked', instead of realizing that when in the moment I realize that I gave up, 'fell' so to speak for a moment - I do re-align myself immediately, I do let go the judgment, I do not use this moment of 'fall' as an excuse and justification for the next moment to not stand up even within the realization that in fact I fell and I decided to not to.

The complete energy mind is taking over in every single moment when I am not able to direct myself as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the moment I give into the mind - then the mind is directing me.
I decide to stand up from self-accepted justifications as breath as act as all as one as equal.

more and more to write and stop self deception by exposing shit

2011-03-02T23:31:00.007+01:00

Yesterday it was obvious that there is an issue with my partner, as I uploaded some vlogs about how I experience woman, desire, relationship, agreement but I did not share - I wanted to re-watch it with my partner - as I am sure that some points I do see different than she, and that's the whole point of vlogging, that I share and others can see points what I do not, or points what I see as X and in fact other human(my partner or other) can see that it is in fact Y.
There is this vanity, some kind of pride, that I want to do everything myself, and in fact it is an excuse because I already know that alone I do timelooping with points until finally I fed up with myself regarding to that point with which I am repeating the same pattern of self-limitation.
It's like I want to share, but ____.
For instance I want to share simply a speak what I experience that it I would like to express, a slight pressure what I want to express to become 'empty' inside again but as I do judge my head as it is not bald for instance, and I decided to shave it at weekend, but then I did not do so and then I want to grab the camera and vlog in the moment, and then I realize - but I want to shave first - then the whole construct fall back onto me and actually I do nothing. After two-three occasions I realize that I am doing the same self-dishonest mistake, but actually I still do not redefine my statements.

For instance simply I can say: I want to make a video - am I bald? Yes, and "action". But if no, then I simply go into the bathroom and cut it down and then do the video. That ten minutes is not that 'expensive'.

So with my partner - when she saw my vlogs about the points I was facing about her - she went immediately self-judgment, as I explained that I had so much resistances towards her in a time that I simply wanted to avoid her, but I realized that would not assist me to release the actual cause and core of resistances about her, but actually I want to open myself up to her and share and discuss.

I did not really want this 'relationship' as with previous partners I realized that agreement would be the only way that I could accept myself to be within with a partner.

But as I 'started' to explore what would mean to walk in agreement - I realized, I have no idea what that would be- I have knowledge, I have judgments of others as I saw them be in agreement, for instance Leila and Gian or Maite and LJ, but actually I never walked this point. Resonantly I am not really capable of this to walk, but that I already proven to myself: I can change and the practical application must be walked in physical timeline. So it is it.

The main reason of her discomfort about me is that I told her that about end of July, I am going to leave the country, I want to live in London, and she wrote an email to me about this can not really be real support because one day I will leave her.
So this is already my manifested reality to deal with.

In fact, I did not want to 'be' with her - but I tried out this: I am utilizing what is actually here, I do not run after woman for instance if I experience that I do have some suppressed desire - she is here already and we can enjoy sex. So the point what must be corrected within both of us would be to discuss this points until we both are clear - no inner movement about this - and if we can agree to support each as direct as possible - then we can continue but if this would come up again and again - then it should be stopped.

In these days I experience intensity from all sides - my job is in late, there are lot of "to do"-s what other wont really do for me so these are accumulating and I want to get them done. My tooth are again in quite 'bad' situation, so I must visit dentist regularly for get them repaired/pulled out, otherwise this daily pain, fever, discomfort will distract me continuously.

I even smoked what is odd and I gave into the temptation for a while and after all I realized it's complete bullshit, I am bubbling myself with inner judgments what must be ended.

And then the discomfort what painkillers cause in my stomach I wanted to avoid, so then I smoked again to use it as a painkiller. It was an excuse but after some like that - I do not want to smoke, I must face the pain directly as myself because the truth is about me is that many times and almost mostly the pain is that what is assisting me to realize what I am accepting and allowing and I should start to see the core and starting point of my experiences, of my acceptances and allowances.
So yesterday, to release the discomfort and pain - I smoked some and I realized this stuff is changing me - personality shifts and I am not as myself as I am without smoking, so I want to go to dentist and pay for physical body support and go through the bloody and nasty experiences wherein for instance within an operation the wisdom teeth will be taken out. There is no other way, I knew it when it started, but I procrastinated as I defined experiences at 'dentist' as avoidable. So I avoided dentist, until the pain is literally unbearable and I am directly experiencing myself within pain, and then I wait until I experience literally nothing else than pain as myself - then I move. This is not Self Movement, this is of Energy.

This is what I do not accept, and if I look back - I do see points what with I was not self honest with myself, for instance when I smoked, I said to myself, because my partnership was ended with K, that was intense for me - but in fact - not really.

However as I smoked, I tried to utilize the stuff, what sometimes happened, for instance to watch myself what and how I do - and sometimes there was an urge to smoke without a reason - or the reason when I did not see - I told myself, it is just 'energy'- so I am not having 'enough' energy, and I am boosting myself with external energy-source. WTF? And am I able to accept myself like this for ever more? No. Yet in that moment, I accepted myself as this energy polarity system.
I built it up around the word 'curiosity'. But I already walked that path, exactly I was aware of what like it will be ended: I will be fed up and I will stop it.

Within self-dishonesty I tested myself with this: if I want to smoke, but then I do not know what I want to do, like the goal is to be smoked - so let's see, I smoked - then I watched what I wanted to do: physical exercise, wanting sex, playing with computer, making music, watching movie mostly. These would not be 'bad' but in fact I am aware of what I should do at the first time - what I wrote about many times: my second job I want to do at home, I want to do SRA homework, I want to write and make vlogs, videos. Wanting, instead of acting directly as Self.

About videos, I have about a half dozen videos what I was making but not yet finished - and if I look into myself - I want to do finish and share them - regardless of time, this is who I am and this is what I express - yet somehow I clothed myself with an energetic mental state wherein I was able to separate myself from who I am and what I express and basically what I want to do - and when I experienced myself energetically as this -'shifted' - then I wanted to 'rest', 'relax' from my strained hard work because with the point of 'wanting to do way more too much than I am capable of in the moment' - after a while - even the natural expression of making video about birds became a 'job' instead of Self-expression.

So it is unfolding now, some days ago I realized I am experiencing this boosting intensity what makes me nervous and confused so I must slow down and re-align myself with the principle and the starting point and basically start it all over and stick to the blog and write it out and script up how to stop and then walk into practicality and breath through the energy experiences and focus on the real issue, how to manifest Equal Money System.

About smoking: after almost 3 years of non smoking - it was very intense and now I clearly see that with smoking I am mentally strengthening myself only, and for support it is cool to see that with smoking I was boosting my mind, my thoughts, my separation, what was not obvious before, what I participate within and as - it was intensified and took over and also I participated within inner dialogue, reacted immediately to things without being aware of my act.

Also there was an other self-deception when I smoked, I was like 'Once I did stop, it is no problem, I can stop it again if I would not stop it after one occasion.'

So I do again this statement: I do not smoke, even when I do have physical pain - that was not supporting me to suppress physical pain with a substance what shifts personality - because at first I should deal with the 'normal' personality programs, not shifting dimensions so fast that I am even not aware of what mind-bubble I place myself into and as.

I am going to write down every part of this what I see within myself regarding to this point - if I don't - then I may miss a point with what I would timeloop again what is just not common sense if I am already aware of the consequences of my deeds.

For instance I tested smoke like 'I want it not being influencing on me' - I simply let it go, disregard the sensations of it - I breath, I physically move and act. It happened but only for some time - after a while 'I forgot' to discipline myself. In that case - it is obvious that immediately stop, correct self and live the change by letting go of upcoming 'distractions' from self-discipline.

Even I tried to manipulate myself within writing - about I wanted to write down something but then I edited it according to my point of view - but it was not who I was really at the moment, it's like changing history, pretending and 'emulating' myself to be perceived in a way what never happened. That was really nasty, or writing down something, but then saying, 'no, it's too much', delete this. It can be reasonable, yes, for instance not share my credit card datas or my passwords, but when about my self-dishonesties - I must stick to facts and acts only - because then easily I can be lost within delusion and reality and then I am absolutely unprepared and defenseless from my dishonesties, because after a while I won't be able to see who I am.

So another point I realized, however did not write down, yet tried to manipulate myself with words instead of actually forgiving myself within and as the living words.

What also happened, that I felt a little shame of I smoked for a while - as inside I was aware of this is actually not really a solution, more likely a step-back from where I started to stand up.

So I must correct myself accordingly and precisely and walk the change physically.

I must stand without altering my mind-set and not manipulating myself with substances.

It is also related with being with a partner - as before, when I was with my partners - I smoked - so there was this connection and it was something like 'taking a rest' from the actual physical consistency of standing with somebody and basically going back into my self-created crystal-palace where everything is like I can have 'fun', meanwhile who I really am has consequences within reality what is determining not only my, but other's reality as well.

So the self-deluded 'rest' is over, I am pushing myself to
- face and direct the situation with my partner to actually stand without reactions and decide it is walkable or not - in fact I already decided that I want to walk with her until summer then I'm gone - but until that point - stand as stable as I can and assist and expose her and my dishonesty and actually stop them one by one within self-discipline and unconditionally share.
-do the SRA lessons regardless of my resistances and live with the opportunities of beings actually assist me to walk through self-dishonesties.
-do push my second job at home and make it as I would make it for myself as perfection and then I will be able to finish and release it without remaining inner issues, judgments, reactions.
-continue pushing every day blogging, what I never did, about several days I do write and then again I skipped a whole week for instance many times. If I do not write - I would be not stable, so then I would not write, then I would be not stable until I fed up my shit and would write again by restarting Self-Stabilization.

So this fuckedup-ness what I create, what indirectly leads me to writing - this is not self-willed self-movement. This I must push through and write specifically every day I am able to. Even when I am at other's place, even when I am at countryside, even when I have many things to do at home - I simply write as myself as naturally as I am physically here.

-Specifically write everything down regarding to impulses within me to want to smoke - if I do not write, and forgive and correct in physical - then I allow it and then it will happen again and then it will compound and when I will be not in directive application - then this point would have the ability to direct me to show what I am accepting and allowing within and as myself.

The relationship what I tried to 're-form' within me with a girl, with a drug is prominent - the starting point is inflicted with self-judgments, lack of self-will, lack of self-direction, self-intimacy.

Okay, that's it for today about procrastination, re-smoking, partner, job, pain, self-dishonesty.

I am going to write self forgiveness also on points what I immediately express as the decision to physically change within and as.

Partner:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to accept as who I am actually and trying to pretend that I am somebody to impress my partner and conceal who I really am inside and as.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to speak through specifically, in detailed with my partner about the points with what we are 'standing' as starting point until both are empty and everything regarding to us and our connection is absolutely clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project issues from me onto my partner for instance I judged her about she is still practicing spiritual agenda and energies, however I am also still accepting myself to change and act according to energetic impulses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and actually used my partner's points to hide my own dishonesties to conceal instead of realizing that she is one and equal as me, so it is actually more assisting to open up and share unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself and my reality without hesitation, when it is about my partner as I still accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as separated from her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be directive with her by the starting point of 'hope' - about maybe she will not notice this point, so I can remain sneaking, in fact from myself.

Dentist:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to act immediately to prevent sickness within my human physical body, even when I already walked the same consequences, I had to wait until intense pain to actually act an support myself as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge experiences at dentist as avoidable because of the pain and discomfort, then blinding myself with these self-created judgments to not act according to Common Sense, within this case to not go to dentist in time when there is not yet pain.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see - there is no other way out from this than revisit dentist and 'walk' myself through experiences without judging, what before I judged as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define dentist as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid to experience consequences as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as separated from me.

Smoking:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking as desired based on judgments.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I already walked this path of me smoking and I was sick of it and I wanted to stop so strong that for years I even did not consider to smoke again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this compounded desire after smoking as 'curiosity' instead of saying it as it is: desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify re-smoking with defining it as a 'test', instead of realizing that for years I already 'tested' the stuff, it is obviously not supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hope' that the stuff if I will smoke it, will actually assist me, instead of realizing that I fucked myself up with the word, 'assistance'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I use the word 'assistance' to actually cover my hope and desire after smoking because for some time I accepted and allowed myself to experience inner reactions, judgments continuously what compounded and took over within my physical expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my smoking by defining it as 'painkiller', instead of realizing it is not only taking away the pain, but makes me dizzy, stoned, slower and basically dumber, more mental than physical.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do stop blogging, vlogging, then I accept movements inside of me what will be physically manifested within and as my physical reality as one as equal as myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the temptation of smoking by wanting to 'rest' and 'stop' for a moment, and not realizing that this 'rest' and 'stop' is actually 'self-rest' and 'self-stop' as I am shifting personality into a mental state where I can judge and procrastinate as much as I can.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by procrastinating to do things, I am procrastinating myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that immediate action is who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define reality without mind-altering substances as 'intense' and 'raw' instead of realizing that these labels are coming from the mind, these are not real, only protection-mechanisms what can be walked through and let them go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I do not have much energy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by accepting myself as not having enough energy, I am accepting myself as not whole, not fully capable of being always here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ganja as 'energy'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed of I was smoking, instead of realizing that by the starting point of fear of it - I am already of it as it as the fear, as the starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself by defining 'hope and desire' as 'curiosity' by not considering what is already here - that here I already walked through this and I realized the deception within smoking.

Tomorrow I will go to my partner, if I can, after the dentist intervention, and preferably we should discuss the points within us until it's clear.
Tomorrow night, if no other way - I will use my partner's laptop to write my blog.

walktalk

2011-02-28T21:17:00.003+01:00

I placed myself into a time-trap.
I am timelooping all the time on not having enough time. WTF?

My second job is coming to it's end and this last project is taking many time but I decided to do this, I decided to finish it well, no matter how much I have to work for this, so it will be.
But the trick is that this would be a website what people will use, so it must be that stable and constant as accountable to get people's trust to actually go and pay through it for the museum.
Today I missed something in the database since months - it's like I am creating a code and I miss to see a part of it - when I am not equally and one considering myself as programming - there are certain points what I do not 'get' directly as I am not even aware of it, so I do not 'face' it by myself really - I do not really see it myself - so my partnership with S. is going to be assisting - but at first - I wanted to be alone again and again and again when I was with her. Last two weeks I was working on this point - and I was sneaking some but mostly I was able to push myself through this pretending when I was with her. Pretending means like to not be as who I am as I am alone - not really different as starting point as who I am within application. I wanted to be alone to play computer game, to watch movies, to do homework, to energize myself with impulses what I would not really do when I am not alone.
So this is cool - I was hell bored of this and it is cool that someone is telling me onto my face that 'tala, you are sneaking, tell me'.

And it takes time for both of us to stop reacting to the already self-accepted attraction games in which both of us still participate within the desire competition where people's attention is based on sexual desire. But it is happening. I simply decide to not play attraction games with women, for me its not that intense as for my partner, who is always telling me that men want to be with her, for me it's not like that as there are not too much women who tend to please me, but sometimes yes, so I have to walk through some temptations.
At office and restaurant there are many woman so every day I can see my point in actuality.

There are times when I do eye contact deliberately to have some 'fun' with woman - even when I do not want anything sexual in these moments really - just wanting to get some reaction from some people. It's not even about sexuality in that form - it can be anyone, somebody who I can have a 'contact'. It's like energy - what I defined based on my past.
But actually there are days when I walk among woman and I can actually see them - not as sex objects, walking fucking and teasing and entertaining opportunity - but actually beings in their process as myself.
How they hold their limbs, their sound, their expression, I can open myself and I experience them who they are and when issues I face within me - reactions, movements - I must see that this point is within me still not clear and walked through - or is the being's process I am experiencing.
--------------
Recently I noticed some dominant behavior within my expressions what I am curious about.
It's like sometimes I even do not wait for somebody's sentence to end, I speak for instance.
Also I noticed that to direct among people - first I get feedback of their attention then I express, like first wanting to be sure that my direction will be effective - but then I depend on them what is unacceptable.

Also I noticed some self forgiveness I spoke but not aloud, it was very thin sound and I accepted it, instead of correcting myself - because the clarity I can hear in myself, and when I almost swallow back the words - even when I am alone and I am not disturbing anyone for sure - then it is still an issue, and I feel like I am expressing my forgiveness weakly, so I must strengthen my expression to make sure that it is clearly expressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger instead of realizing of that I can release this anger and then I am here as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate others through words based on deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into temptation when other woman than my partner approaches me. Instead of realizing that we decided to agree on this point to do together and I decided to stand as this point, so I stop fall into temptation and I do not abuse my responsibility by playing innocent while accepting and allowing myself to be amused by other woman than my partner.

From Pain Wisdom to Equal Money System.

2011-02-18T22:13:00.007+01:00

About one-two years ago my lower left wisdom tooth was operated out by a half dozen of dentists.
Recently I experience similar symptoms as with that but on the right side: dull pain, jaw become more static, even fever, sometimes twinging, throbbing pain.
It is happened because I did not wash my teeth properly - at the backside, I did not 'reach' with my toothbrush, with my awareness - and it went 'bad' by the years while I consumed tons of sweets for instance...in my family, most of the people has teeth issues - probably by default it is coming from DNA and then personal acceptance and allowance...

Last year, the dentist guy told me that that tooth looks like it should be removed, but I fell into self definition according to that: - the operation with the dentists removed the lower left 'wisdom' teeth - was about 4 hours and extremely uncomfortable.
After that - I was regularly visiting the ~dentist university, where the pupils were 'practicing' on me by supervision of a professional teacher. So about for a year - weekly I experienced The dentist chair, the drills, the syringes, the huge light onto my face and the wide mouth opening expression.
That was fascinating - so many times the physical experience triggered a some sort of 'regression' when I closed my eyes, I tried to 'pull back' into my center of my body to leave behind this experience - where actually some physically uncomfortable/avoidable experiences I faced, for instance when with hot metal the intervention 'required' to burn down some parts of the flesh near my teeth, or when getting the painkiller syringe injected into my frontal mouth or my teeth is being pulled with some harsh metal tools...
At these experiences - I was facing myself - and I was able to notice when I did not allow myself to breath naturally - when I literally tried to 'contract' myself and resist the experience and I held back my breath - as this 'program' within me works like the following:
when I am about to experience some physical what I defined before as painful - I am like 'preparing' myself with this 'defense mechanism' wherein I hold my breath back, like 'wanting to skip' this moment, wanting to 'avoid to experience' this moment, but in fact it is my reality.
It is my reality and I am the responsible for it - one and equal.
And if I tend to 'avoid to experience' this event as myself - directly as one as equal - I am not able to realize what and how and why I accepted and allowed to manifest as myself.

And if I am not able to realize the what and how and the why - then I am not able to see the core, the reason, the starting point of this self-dishonesty and then I am not able to directly find practical solution to stop it and then I am continuing participate within and as this 'reaction system' as I defined and accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this rule-matrix developed through and as words.

So - after a year - about 5-7- teeth was 'repaired' - yet there were about 2-3 what was not finished but then at the dentist university - the year was finished, they started to prepare for exams - and I stopped visiting dentist.
In fact at last summer - at one point - I randomly met with the two dentist guys in the city who were 'practicing' on me before, and they told me, I should arrange with them for a check-time about how my t00th are and then to do the necessary support.

In fact - this is a great opportunity - as this is for free - only the material I paid - and to have proper dentist support - it is really a LOT of money - and I was able to avoid this.

So since a year - I did not care about this - because I was like - 'my teeth were extensively handled almost for a year' - and 'I, myself do not feel pain at the moment' - so I did not take a shit.

Until last week, when I started to experience the pain compounding.
So this week, I visited an other dentist, this time a 'private' one, who gets paid well for interventions(repair, replace, fix etc) but not for the check at the first time.
I told him about the last year and about the pupils, and then he suggested to contact them because here I would need a 'panorama-X-ray' with what the dentist can engage to open up the area around my 'bad' right lower 'wisdom' teeth to take it out asap because maybe that is causing the pain.

Today I had the opportunity to contact the university dentist guys but I didn't - I was busy all day working and I did not direct myself for contacting them and I experienced some inner reactions what I built up before and now I was able to directly face it as it directed me not to act immediately.
This was about 'me not wanting to be unabashed', not wanting to 'use' this service too much, because if I am there, then an other person can not be, so in fact I am taking the place from someone else - who maybe has much more pain or much more urgent medical support.
That was a point what I accepted and allowed within me.
Also I wanted to give some money for the dentist guy who was very patient and enjoyable while he was repairing my teeth - so I decided to give him about 100 euros - as I saw the current dental system and if I would visited for a 'private' dentist - I should had to pay more than one thousand of euros - maybe more - and I wanted to appreciate his work - regardless of that is part of his schooling system process. But then I did not do this - I did not seek after him just to give him some money - because I am grateful - yet I judged myself about this is just stupid for instance - so I did not move.
And at this moment - I should contact him - and today I hesitated - because I experienced this system 'under the hood' within my head, not even 'really' consciously - but more like of 'feeling these kind of energies'.
This is unacceptable.
I stand up from judgments, I stand up for immediate action based on common sense, physical.

I remember Joe Kou also did a VLOG on his hesitation for visiting dentist and he explained the consequences of his procrastination.

Tomorrow I will see, it is possible to find a clinic where they could do X-ray and the operation - but I had this inner reaction of 'what if they are not pro and they fuck up my mouth?'
It is coming to the point of money. The more I can pay for this - the more I can 'hope' that they are able to handle this.
This is how humans accept themselves - who do have money - they can get great support, but who does not - then they go to hell - according to what they will experience - it is how it plays out.
For instance my mother has also teeth issues - but she says she can not afford dentist, thousands of euros to spend to make her 'fake'-teeth from metal and porcelain - that is so expensive!!!

In an Equal Money System - no one would have to fear about they can not get proper dental support - so I do support Equal Money System.

Energy vain self forgiveness

2011-02-18T22:01:00.004+01:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define energy as great.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy because then energy defines me, energy moves me and then I do not have to take direct responsibility for what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and manifest energetic manifestations within me according to words, physical movements, instead of realizing that who I really am is direct one and equal physical experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing according to memories, according to definitions of energies instead of being here as breath directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy generator.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according to energy instead of being the directive principle as life as physical one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conceal the nature of my energetic possessions from myself, from others in order to manipulate to get what I want, or avoid what I do not want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want or not want things instead of acting directly accordingly as myself as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within energies, within experiencing energies instead of trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within participation of energy - I am not directly living but being directed by accepted and allowed self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energetic experiences of mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to ride energies instead of realizing I am the directing principle and I am responsible of I am accepting energies instead of stopping immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that who I actually experience myself as mind consciousness system - is of energies - is of conditions, is of not physically real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself being directed by and as energies instead of STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly wanting to have energies what I defined as indications of I am doing great, I am great - this is of self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic experiences of breathing.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I do experience breathing, I I am facing with energetic experiences of what I already defined and did not let go as energetic experiences based on self-dishonesty what must be stopped.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do require energy to live instead of realizing that energy of mind is invalid as it's starting point is of self-dishonesty.

I Stopped for a moment today in bed

2011-01-24T22:08:00.005+01:00

Today, after returning from work, finally I brought home to my 'final' piece of music instrument, a high quality pre-amp for my new microphone - and I did cook, but until I could not try the microphone out - I did not eat, rather I did some gChat with my partner, Suszti, she was telling me that she is feeling becoming mad, and I ensured her with tons of smiles that she is already mad, no problem, let's develop infinite self-will and move self within self honesty - but then she was off to make her child to sleep, and I was about to wire in the new mic and the preamp, but then I realized: I do not have the XLR cable for it - I lend my microphone cable with my old mic a week ago, so then I jumped out to the nearby music shop to get another one - then I came home, tested it out - works brilliantly - at least some quality....

So then I made and ate a pasta, then I did take a nap - I do this when I 'feel' tired, especially when my eyes are tired from all day watching screens.
So, then I woke up - and I did not move - I took my 'time', then I realized, I was not moving.

I did take a nap because I wanted to do many things tonight - then I did not move after waking up, about 5-10 minutes - thats' odd, I noticed, so then I started to see what is happening. There was no energy, no urge, no desire, no fear, no reason to move me - so I did not move. It was obvious: I must move me by Self-Willed Decision.

In these cases I have the 'feeling' of I am extremely tired - what can be because of exhaustion by depriving my sleeps - or simply no energies to move me.
So I took my time and to be sure - I did take one more small nap, then I woke up and I still felt 'unnaturally' tired.
In this case - it also can be that I did not drink enough water, so I am dehydrated, so I pushed myself to stand up and drink water - then I realized - I must be refreshed after a hour of sleep, so I took a bath and the perceived tiredness is gone.

Now, here I sat down and I am continuing with SRA lesson, it is fascinating to do it - and mostly I do have resistances and in the last moments I would pick it up, but the continuous application of pushing this point starts to manifest:
-I wrote a lot of times about this is high priority to do, so I am absolutely sure about I want to do it, there is no other way.
-I already understood that unconscious and subconscious resistances are especially 'nasty' about to make me procrastinate this specifically, so in the last week I wrote and said aloud self forgiveness according to this, to not allow myself to being stopped do SRA by any resistances.
-I installed a calendar to my phone what is getting filled with my 'todos' in physical timeline, so I can see, being noticed and I am able to manage my activity.

So by these points - I am not surprised that by nothing else but me, I sit here and I do the lesson, I am absolutely not tired, I am not sick, I am doing it as myself.

On Control I want lose then gain cycle

2011-01-21T21:14:00.004+01:00

I did not post this before, here it goes, when I noticed my sickness was fading last week

I am getting 'normal' again in relation to sickness - pain is fading, it's like a fire what burns out the bullshit out of me but it is not yet self direction, however I realized some points what I allowed myself to be resonantly influenced, directed, for instance the want to be alone and then want to be with others polarity system, then the energy addiction, what is sex-drug-energy related, about not take self responsibility.

It's like I want to loose my control - what control is too strong, it is not even myself as who I really am but then I am unable to release as myself, then energy kick I use - regardless to it's subtle form, it is all the same - when I define too much, I want to pull back, to go back to my 'den' or 'lair' where everything is like how and what I like - what I could not manage within the 'outside world' to manifest - so then that is avoidable, then my place is preferred, where I can play god according to my mind, according to my inner reactions.
There were times when I was more quiet (inside) when I was alone, but recently I noticed that I am more 'voiced' inside when I am alone, probably that's why I want to be alone, to be alone with and as my mind - but when I am with others - I am much more easier releasing inside reactions and focusing on what is physically here - it is not that big difference, simply after a while a some form of 'tiredness' kicks in, and to compensate that - I energize within me as suppressions, judgments, participation within dishonesties such as popping up pictures from unconscious/subconscious, it's like it is testing me that in that moment what I will react to, like pulling different colored and tasted carrots and which one I will follow.

These must be understood within self-intimacy within the moment of participation within inner reaction.

About my day - I realized -again- at my workplace I am liked because of my work, because of my attitude and expression, so in a way it is very supportive - but there are points where I must stop for instance at the tendency to be distracted from my work - to any fun web page, or my personal agenda for instance looking after a camera etc - it's like suppressions come up - and if I would not suppress myself extensively - then I would not face with compounded energetic bursts so to speak - then I am able to direct myself to focus.
This is what I realized in SRA as well - when doing muscle communication - to remain constantly here is the key - not allowing even for a moment to 'focus' onto something what is not relevant for the current information processing etc.

Also I realized - with my partner - I must be much more direct - in terms of specificity - at some times I even 'tested' her with my intentional grumpiness and rawness - wanting to expect the same 'warrior-like' attitude in her daily life as I do - but that is bullshit - it's like a control point want to direct her - what is in a way can be cool, as she is not aware much of desteni vocabulary for instance - but the other part of the polarity is related to my resonant expression to want to be alone - and when not, then want to direct her in the 'name' of self honesty, agreement, process - what is bullshit, I let all go.
I am me as breath as physical - regardless to ANYONE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others instead of realizing - I am me, I change me, I express me, I do not allow influences to who I am by others - or if yes - then in the moment I realize, I stop, I forgive, I change, I let go.

SickSackSuckSock

2011-01-20T22:16:00.003+01:00

Fascinating to explore sickness within and as my human physical body, then to see how I am the cause and then the effect as well.
I got this flu-like stuff, came full power, fast, does not last more than days then it's fading, left me with some tissue pain...
Fascinating, last week I also got something nasty, that came with vomit, diarrhea, big fever and it 'felt like' stomach-related.
This time it was more head-centered(mostly with pain) but more likely the whole body was involved.
Last week I visited doctor, but doctor is also sick, and at my 'doctor's place' - there are 3 doctors are working - and at this time - they are all offsick, so there is one substitution - so only one must handle all sick people of the district. I had to wait almost 5 hours there until I was able to get in. It was really exhausting to be there for that long.
So this time, regardless of my fever, body pain - I decided to stay at work. It was really something to push myself to sit there and try to work - my 'working speed' was like 1/4 - my brain was working so slow, doing my regular programming job was like a dream...except the fact that physical pain and feeling really cold - what brought me HERE when I flew away within my mind for moments - this tendency when unpleasant I got - to imagine then, to leave reality, to escape - but this is unacceptable.
At work there was a scheduled meeting with my boss, I was just about to ask him how long before I should tell him that I would leave the company when he told me that I got some salary increase, so then I did not say anything about that, this time.
I never was kicked out from any workplace - I always left by myself, somewhere I built up this desire to be kicked out - many people around me told me that they experienced this several times - I was fascinated about this - how this would affect me? Whatever.

So, about the sick story, yesterday night I was able to crawl into my bed very early and slept and sweat a lot in my polar sweater(the name lol) - what always helps to push out intense sicknesses - this time also helped - in the morning regardless the huge head pain - I felt better, so today I worked again - this time it was much less unpleasant, yet I still 'feel' some fever, and tissuepain, so it is still working, so tonight I rather stay in bed, and tomorrow I will see about the visit to doctor is necessary or not.

I say, my 'sickness' always comes when I am not sure about where to how to walk - this is unacceptable.
I do not seek - I am here. I do not escape, I am here.

I experienced some self-judgment also, it is more likely a todo-list I am writing about what I do generally, what to do - and recently this list only grows, and that made me concerned - and also with the girl I spent time with - I had some excuses to be with her meanwhile simply I wanted to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be alone, instead of reailzing I am here as all as one as equal, no separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from other's judgment - so then I rather would be alone than facing my self-created self-judgment projected to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after what is not physically here - so then I experience this 'missing' - then I miss me - I do not experience me - I separate me from myself - what breaks down self-trust, self-will, so I STOP.
I stop seeking there, I start directing HERE.

Facing some energy, fear, resistance to try Agreement

2011-01-18T21:33:00.006+01:00

This is who I am

I write directly here.

I am facing some sort of fear - diarrhea manifested, so it is fascinating.
I Let go of self definition, I let go of self addiction to energetic experiences of the mind.
I let go everything what is not physically here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself instead of realizing that I am going to face myself as myself anyways - the question is that do I face myself directly by self direction by decision or do I face with myself indirectly by letting consequences of my expression face me, direct me, control me.

I chose to face myself here. This is not a choice who I am - I face myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to share myself with another beings within the judgment of (as self-judgment) I wait for something, or I am not satisfied with my expression so I hold back - instead of realizing that by holding back myself - I am not able to walk - so I let go - I let go of fear, I let go of fear from judgment, I let go of fear from failure, I let go of fear from being lost.
I am here.

I describe how I physically 'feel':
Along my backbone - something like a shivering energy crawles, mostly from down to upwards, from the solar plexus area - and that's it - I can also describe it as a cold-like freeze covers up alongside of my backbone, and as it 'goes' up - it feels like there are this ice-spikes manifesting on this freezing movement - but then it's all gone - then after some moments it comes again - and in fact I feel cold. Even when I wear three clothes, this backbone-centered freezing goes on and on - until I realize and breath.

This system requires realization - this system is of me as me - compounded self-suppression energy by self-definition, self-judgement, what is being experienced within me because of I am not able to contain the situation within me - I suppressed it all - and then no more - it is being exposed - it is being experienced within and as me.

So the practical walk would be not fear from facing with my partner unconditionally - not separating her - not allowing to prone to any energy addiction - sexual desire, direct physical sexual energy, or even coffee or at the office my favorite jar from which I drink water every workday.

I also noticed that my not direct fear is related to the self-definition about who I defined myself to be and when I am not alone for longer than some days - I want to be alone, I want to do things myself, I want to be separated -- this polarity what would pull to be among humans and then I would want to be alone - is of the mind.
Who I really am is not dependant on who I am with - or am I with someone or not - if I make conditions about who I am, how I act, speak regarding to other people - then who I am if not of that condition which to I submit myself to?
It is unacceptable to not be myself alone or with anyone. Myself as breath, as absolute self honesty, as self-expression.

Okay, this energetic cold waving is no more - but I did not faced it directly - only was a step.

In a way, this physical experience is similar to when I enormously compound sexual energy what makes me feel really cold, and the same kind of energies I experience within me - but that one is more rude experience, and also my genitals are in pain and only constant and stable breathing 'through' can assist to stop it - and by each stop - as I stop the system within me as me as myself within oneness and equality - slowly I understand myself, and I can be aware of the conditions, and I can direct myself to stop participate within these conditions, these if/then-s who I defined myself to be - based on a starting point of not who I really am as Life as Breath - so I can not trust any self definition.
I can not trust in any self-created delusion, only breath, the physical I trust as HERE as touch, experience directly.

Also I experience that as I stop participate within desire, sexual desire - it compounds - tests me extensively - I am being tested by myself - my decision can stand or not?

At this moment I have an opportunity to start to experiment with Agreement - my two trials were not really Agreement-based, but my knowledge about Agreement were being tested and these did not stand - it was not only myself, it was the other being also(the girl) - and at this two occasions - the girls had no idea about what Agreement would be...
But at this time it's different - she is very curious, studies what Agreement would be, and she wants to be self honest - she does not write bog, do vlog, but she understands some already.
So she proposed this Agreement, but in fact - before this - we did some occasions of sex, and as I see - her starting point is of sex, desire - not only - she wants to change, wants to stand up, to understand, to direct herself - so that's not a problem - but my plan is to travel away in 5 months, so I am not sure that it would be great to start to form an agreement for 5 months only.

But I said, for 5 months we could try, but I am not sure she is aware of the desteni material enough(surely not), so she is studying and translating the material anyway, and asks a lot - we will see....
Basically I have a resistance towards her - I do not say I do not like her but somehow I do not want to meet with her regularly - so there is a point what I do not want to face - that's cool...

Also I enjoy not having desire after her - So no energy moves towards her, but at the moment, there is an energy what wants me to pull back from her -- at first I judged this as 'she is not great for agreement' - but then I realized - it's my issue, not her - and in fact we can enjoy ourselves if we are not of definitions, we do enjoy sexual expression, she is facing her past extensively - and she wants to change, wants to express Self Forgiveness, so I enjoy being with her and assist her and she started to say directly about me and those are not really 'nice' - thats very cool - she assists me in realizing what I am accepting and allowing...

I almost decided to walk with her for months then - but still something pulls me back, that's why I write about it...
Common sense say, enjoy agreement and then enjoy breath and self honesty.
So we already do this, but to make it more stable - we will meet and speak again about it.

My 'excuse' was about Agreement that there is no a girl who can 'comprehend' desteni material in practice - and without that, Agreement is not really possible - so it is a cool opportunity.

At weekend I faced already a point - while she was here at my place - after a while, I did not do my 'todo' things - but we ended up in bed hugging and speaking - and sometimes sex, but after the sex thing happened some times - I realized - I did the same with most of the girls in my past - and it started with my ex-wife, at university, when we came together finally(about after a year yearning, desiring, suffering from 'love' lol), then we all day were in bed and hugging and speaking and that's it - and it was like a mind-state what feel great, that I did not want to stop.
So it is cool to face that again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of her because I defined to 'have' a girl is rare.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'have' a girl instead of standing as beings as equals as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use girl and stay in bed with her - to escape from my reality, from what I am experiencing, from what I must do, from who I became as Mind Consciousness System.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop and exploring self expression within the presence of an other human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistance towards girls, towards relationship, towards agreement to not wanting to face myself directly with a partner, instead of realizing that this could be really assisting if I stand and express self honesty within every moment.

So I stop fear, I stop procrastinate, I stop judge, I stop hesitate, I stop escape, I stop being in bed all day to not need to do my todos, instead of realizing that my todo-s are me, if I do not do my todo as me - I am not living myself unconditionally.

I will continue to share myself and assist her within self forgiveness and she already offered her presence to assist self - doing videos, speaking about points, she would be around me to see - can I do my expressions as I would do alone when she is here?
That would be cool, so at weekend, we will see.

Every day blogging I am.

Self forgiveness on resistance

2011-01-14T14:34:00.003+01:00

While doing SRA - this assisted me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being influenced by resistances towards self-directed walk-through on information what I defined before as 'a lot' - instead of realizing - I am here, I direct here, there is nothing 'lot' - I am simply considering always what is actually here - then I am realizing - I am already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being distracted from what I decided to do - by allowing things popping into my head and reacting to immediately doing that - instead of realizing I try to avoid facing myself within the act what I started to express after my decision to do so.

Self Trust

2011-01-13T00:36:00.001+01:00

Self trust is the basement of facing. If I do not trust my facing application either - what? Then why I continue instead of stopping participate within any application what can not be trusted.
Self here is trust - everything else is not worthy of trust unless each participant of 'trust' is self always here as self trust - then we can talk reality otherwise who I could trust in someone when I see here how that human is constantly changing according to experiences - who are in power in physical - can direct humans through determining the impulses of their physical reality - and they will respond accordingly.
Then that being how can be trusted? It's a complicated machine if we apply extreme self honesty and common sense - within a perfect equality system it is unacceptable to allow someone to not being aware of the consequences of their acts, because if all equally powerful within existence, if each equally god - then even one fucked up 'god' - can fuck up the whole existence.
Because if one is not the same all the time but defined by outside - then inside can not be real, can not be life, can not be here.
It is imperative to realize that without developing here-ness we are nothing but dust in the weather - nothing constant, nothing can be trusted endlessly - because everything is of change.
But the solution is then is also obviously here: I am here - I let go everything what is not really here physically. I let go even that what is here physically. I am here as the Physical.

Banks support Inequality, Separation, Elitism

2010-12-31T16:10:00.003+01:00

My mother called me because she got a letter and apparently I've been approached the bank, where my salary goes - and because of salary is more than a certain amount(~1000Eur) - I was able to change my contract to some sort of 'VIP', what would mean the followings:
-I do not have to stand in lines to have assistance in the bank, I got a person who I can call and deal my issues with directly any day.
-I do not pay any % for money transfer, account fee, SMS-prices, most of the ATM-usages etc
-I get 'better' investment offers, deposit rates than the 'usual' bank users.
-Better credit card opportunities, more debt allowed etc - lolol

This clearly means: the bank disregards the poor for the benefit of the rich.
I would say, it would be much better if this would be the opposite - the poor should not get plucked by any % - rather the rich should be.
This is an other example of the ruthless system what measures 'living'-qualities by the people's money. It's the same as the cast-systems where the outcasts have nothing and they are disregarded by the system, by the members of the system, because they are not supporting the system. Because they can not, or because they refuse to. But anyway the outcasts are very busy with surviving, so they are occupied, so they can not influence, change the system, but the system utterly determines their reality anyway - as your money, as your quality of 'life'.
That's why we must realize within ourselves one by one that the quality of Life is at least the naturally distributed Equality System, where none of the members are disregarded, only because they do not have money.
What is the worth of happiness for me if I am aware of the sly metal claw of this money-pyramid-consumer-addiction, a self-abdication where a Self is not aware of All Self Here as Equal as One, yet still responsible for the determination of Reality without even being aware of it only for self-deception, otherwise Self would Change.
Changing Self requires changing the System of Life - the Value must be Life - not allowing anyone to be harmed just because some have more money and they say so. Those who has money and fear from loosing it, probably they're right - if they would not direct the current Human System with metal harshness, probably they would kill each other in years. But if we explore the Principle of 'Equality and Oneness' - we can research, dig out what Really Matters, here As Physical as Substance.
And if we can not Live All Equally supported on the Physical level - we do not exist as Life, we exist as a Programmed System, which will end inevitably, as it is not aware of that it is destroying itself before even realizing what is happening.

The Solution is an Equal Money System what means the maximum amount of money is divided equally between all humans and each newborn would have well enough money for:
-Support the Human Physical body with proper food, shelter, healthcare
-Support the Being with Education - how Reality works, how Self moves, how through the mind humans deceive themselves and others
-Support the Being with Pure Self Expression as Innocence as Life as Infinity

This would obviously mean that most of the crimes would disappear what are about the money.
Also this would mean that each child would have equal opportunity to Express Life - everyone should become aware how painful to
-tell your child, that she/he can not do who they really are, because the family is poor
-being told that you can not be simply who you are, because you have to fight for survive.
Within an Equal Money System - those competitions what abuse Life would stop - no more raging 'religional' wars for resources, no more nervesick jobs for resources where people have to win and loose for money.
The banks would put together the money - what is already in computers anyway - and start to support an Equality Group - wherein the participants would be supported in physical level and they would research and implement the New, Global Equal Money System - and then Humanity would start to learn how to take responsibility for themselves and for the planet.
The planet is going fine, but the living conditions are going down quite fast - the environment can not take any poison, it starts to give it back to the humans - and the humans can not stand up for this global changes because they are divided, separated, different intents, agendas - therefore if we do not unite within One Global Group - the environment issue can not be handled within sufficient effectiveness, therefore it is a must to bring about a change within our starting point from profit and energy to Physical Equality.

self forgiveness on suppression and hesitation

2010-12-24T21:37:00.001+01:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself unconditionally by judging the situation and the thing to be expressed by judging it as not relevant/not great enough/not final instead of realizing the math of 1+1=2 and express myself withhout self judgement .

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by judging and suppressing myself actually I am not here as myself but as of definition with the starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself without judgement.