Much much has to stop as me

Today much to write.
I've been exploring for a while with some things, and I've got to the point where I simply express here as writing as me as one as equal.
What is specifically being pushed is to write one and equal - not avoiding or cosmetically changing what I am experiencing inside of me at the moment. I start from kind of the surface and moving towards the core of my being. I direct myself to this, because I already have the tendency to just write in the begining about 'around the bush' and then I just simply start to move myself and opening and exploring and expressing here.

So - first of all - movement - I've decided to physically move myself to see how this works -- I've realized that in the last ten years, I've became physically weak and my poses what I use are well influenced by unstable and unpleasant mindsets - so it is time to purify this - because this body who I am as life - I stop abuse. I can easily expand and develop stamina - if I want - so the theory was like when I do some physical exercise, my presence is more obvious - or obviously missing.
When I was in school, I was good runner, I was weak for do the strong stuffs, but I was always fast and enduring. Also not so far I started to remember that I've used the 4 count breath when I was in high school to help to stabilize my breath.
So here is an island not so far from here, there the runners go to run in circles -around the island - and one round is 5,4 km. I've decided to run there because then I can not cheat, I can measure that I run or not that stuff. Today I ran third time,
I bough cool running shoes and first time I could run only the half of it - and I did not take water with me - I was really thirsty - so I had to stop 3 times to finish that circle. I was quite exhausted but it was very cool that I did the distance - I had not much expectations because of the many smokes and the lack of movement - so after 2 days I had this huge fatigue-fever, but within that whole session was a moment when I had an experience when I was just accepting what is here and after I had this overwhelming stuff, what was simply inner reaction...
After that it became obvious that this was quite a big straight header - I use an exercise book of Navy seals training because that is quite enough and deeply profound about the topic. But this movement started to gave me a straightness, what is already within me and not even need to exercise for it, but actually this is how it reveals for me, sO I accept it as me.
Next week I ran again, and I was like ok, let's run, and I did the half circle quite fast - without saving my power to be enough for longer distance - so after the half I just went to home - I did not want to exhaust myself again -- even as I took a half liter water, it was not so much...

So after that, today I went out early morning(daytime it is very busy) and I ran again - and this time I had no expectations, I just pushed myself - and one stuff what I realized - again - as I used this before in running but I forgot - the breath.

I pushed myself to breath deeply, equally, constantly, and being sure that I do not speed it up. Because this is what happens also when I participate within the mind - the breath becomes futile and I start to fear from getting tired and then everything falls apart about the stamina, the will, the power etc.

So basically to push myself to breath constantly - not flying away from here.
This is what made me good runner when I was a teen - and this is what I am capable of - to release all stuff inside and push myself to breath right here.
And something occures inside - then let's express it by applying self forgiveness or act & speak and let's see is this who I really am?
I stopped only for a minute to drink some water and then I could run all over a circle - at the end the temptation came up to simply rest - to drink or stuffs - but in fact I breathed and moved and was not so difficult. Fascinating.
And one more thing - after that I had less tendency to think - but some occured -- yet it was like this obvious fact that I push myself as breathing and I remain here.
I direct myself to be able to run 2 circles without the dying of thirst after water and loosing my self presence with the breath.
Even I could say self forgiveness while I was running to stop some thoughts - but those were not 'reached' the core of the dishonesty - but were cool to cut the possibility to continoe the thinking. By running is quite easy to remain here- I experience the body, the road, the trees, the river, the island itself - without defining or interpreting inside.
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I've been pushing myself on the desire side as well - first I was experimenting with my desires - I was like for a month I avoided everything sexual - in fact in the mind I allowed some picture presentation - even I saw some movies like that, but I dared myself to not arouse myself physically. After all I've decided to face with woman - obviously nothing to hesitate with this - and had many conversations with a girl who I know, on msn we spoke and I've explained her oneness and equality and mindfucks and desires and the flaws within relationship all these stuffs, and she was curious but in fact I was sure that she has her own mindfucks about her boyfriend who she started to manage to stop being with - so I was like anything happens I take self responsibility - and I even told her that my fear is that when I am with a girl and then the girl falls into love with me and I do not.
In fact I also came into realization that maybe this is my own projection as an excuse to face with somebody very closely - because of fearing from facing with a 'mirror'.
So we did some sexercise, it was cool, I was quite freaky with the mind-information exchange, and she just laughed at me, and in fact something like this maybe could happen, because I've noticed some of my expressions on her, but in fact this is meaningless to follow. Quite some points has beeen revealed within me - the first one is that my arousedness is very related with my suppressed emotions - and it is not actual self-movement - but it is an indirect move - a necessary must what drives me and I enjoy the ride - because of the subject of the ride(having sex with a nice girl - kind mindfuck) and because of the releasing of the compounded emotional energetic suppressions - what are very related to the girl who I am with to have sex.
So this was fascinating, because there were moments when I just simply lost my focus and my interest to do this, but even sometimes I still tried and laughed. Also she had this lack of 'deep love' what in general turned her on. So it was interesting realization.
After all I became quite excited and I took over the direction and then we got really aroused so finally we had the real sex, even at the first minute I've realised that 'I'm in' maybe the condom would be very practical, but my previous attachments to that thing came up(I did not used it since university - 9 years, because I've defined it separation and unpleasant) - so it was interesting.
Also we slept together and I had to realise how much value I keep up with a definition like 'sleep with a naked girl'.
So we met once again, and that one was more natural one and it looks like I have nothing wrong, and to do physical sex with a girl is not bad in itself - it is the question of who I am within and as the situation. Because obviously the strategy to simply avoid women while I still allow myself to desire - makes me suppress and to want to masturbate with images. So why not do with an other? Of course self honesty is the point what is being revealed. Also I push myself to remain here - and that is also fucked up a bit within me - because I've defined to be with girl to divert my attention from myself, from my breath, to the girl, to the picture presentation of her face, body and sound, voice.
This is now unnecessary, and by the tools I can let them go and I remain.
Meanwhile the girl had some issues with ex-boyfriend as she wanted to stop desire after him and direct herself to say no to him when he wants to have sex with her - she described their relationship as a quite abusive one, blablabla, so I suggested to her to write and script situations and explore self-trust and self-honesty extensively.
I am aware of that this girl I saw very very unstable some years ago, but in fact until she supports herself as standing up as moment - I enjoy to write her on chat etc(I did not see her since a week) - but also sometimes she just fed up with my 'wise sentences about what to do' so I do not force this, only I use common sense and she started to realize that the emotions are not really cool(she is kind of hunting after them, like romantic, love bs), and maybe will realize.
This stuff is interesting, because if I wont have sex with her, that is ok - but if yes, then I push myself to explore myself and her to support her and me as one as equal.
I am not anxious what I had with her, because I explained to her that I do not want relationship, I do momentary what I do - or dont' and I trust me unconditionally and I suggest to her the same. She started to change quite fast, I am curious what will happen - but this was interesting choice about her, because I could never 'have' her in a relationship - she is not my case of my 'original mindfuck love shit', but something caught me, so I had to explore.

So this is not like an agreement, because that was not clearly stated, but I pushed her to speak over and over about this to be ensured that the starting point is not fucked up - simply just assisting ourselves to facing what we allowed - and she had this issue of the suppressed desires and some kind of kinky issue - as I had - still have some desire to have many sex, so that is like a condition what made us together for a while but I will see what will happen --- I allow myself to fall, to see what I became - - because some shit is so deeply inside of me, that I have to stalk it out to face by walking within the dense and dark forest.

--
The third stuff what is is started to manifest is this music stuff - I wanted several instruments and I've managed to get those - these were those, what I've defined that I would need to make the music what I want to do - and mostly each is here. I was watching over several forums to see when these stuffs are cheap and finally I got them.

Financially I am still not stable, but these stuffs were totally like 500 euros - and it took 2-3 months to get these here - so from now: no excuses, make music!!!!!!!

I get all support what I need, if I still would be like paranoic conspiracy crazy than before, I even could be suspicied about this is too smooth how I get any support from the system, but at this moment I just simply push myself to express what I am by making music as me.

If all goes as plan(haha), when the autumn comes, I will have some spared money, even about to fly over to SA - I am getting ready to face. I mean I could say I am ready right now, but the physical is the only real.

Ok this was part one, and part two will be the self forgiveness related to what I realized.
---
I skipped the self forgiveness and I did other stuff and I had to notice that when I write about sex - I have to be very directive and disciplined because I got aroused and I even started to watch some movies and just simply take my time and not express myself as inner silence. BUT
Much-much stuff came up, and meanwhile I met with a guy who I saw him in thailand 2 years ago last time, and we spoke much about fear and sex and music and after I still allowed myself to be inside of my mind and the urge was so huge to masturbate and I resisted. lol
Then I lied down when I was quite tired and I said: ok, let's do it but without picture - and in fact it did not work really - and then when a picture came into my head about what I referred as sexy - then the arousing started, but I did not let this...So it was like exploring me and after all I just slept without going till the 'end'.

And today(next) I just started to type a forum post on desteni and a huge amount of stuff came up and I wrote and I wrote and for a hour I just wrote and then by accident I closed the tab so all is lost. I do not try to reproduce that shit, but many points became obvious trough that writing and that is already here, so I can direct myself with this...

In fact it starts with like that: I had sex - for instance one week ago, and it was cool, quite cool with that girl and then I just even did not consider sex for days(as we did not met and she disappeared from msn), but after all I start to see that hey, I did not think about sex - but this is the moment of separation - kind of missing that within me, so I find/recreate - and from there because I did not stand up within absolute self-honesty and self-directive principle - I started to desire again.
This is specific, because this is like when I am inner silence and a thought comes up like: hey I am silence - and that is just over lol - the same shit.

So within this moment, I accept myself as this - kind of self-defeat seed simply connects to a specific part of myself within my mind - and then that like a 'mainframe' - pushes out this thought information systems into and as me - and this is quite intense - and looks like emotions but in fact - that are like compressed data packages with all connections of specific words and memories.

- - - - - -
What I had to realize that when I want something - I can do it - but when I do not want it fully as the totality of myself - it wont happen.
So this sexual desire stuff: I brutally push myself to be self-honest: I want to have sex - within the delusion of wanting to explore why I want - and this compounds until I just realize the loop and then I step out a level - and then I stop doing it -
but this is the point of actual self-change - or self-abuse -- because if I accept myself as still tend to participate within thoughts,feelings,emotions - the mind system will grow until the point when it will be unstable because of the suppressed energies what are not equal and one within and as life awareness as me as all as one as equal as breath as self directive principle -- but it is separated and it is influencing and directing me -- so then the release I will use -- what was before as drugs - but now nothing left only the sex as dishonesty -- and then the loop goes around and all goes as before.

So this is a simple double-balanced system - like the earth rolls and the moon moves around the earth -- and maybe there are another levels - like the earth moves around the sun etc - but the obvious question is how to stop the entire system?
By stopping the smallest cycle? Because that one is very related to the actual days of my life -- or focusing onto the bigger circle?

So the common sense is to stop all participation within all this shit and when the need arises - I dare myself to be self honest and apply immediate self forgiveness specifically unconditionally -- without having the perception of 'moving' or 'advancing' or judging it separatedly from me-- and if yes then realize the fact that I am not living the STOP of myself as separation.

Hmm interesting. it was like I decided to not have sex anymore with that girl and then I pleased myself and then I defined this stuff as too much - and the self-made trap is to say - I do not stop having sex, because I am escaping from myself by suppressing -- or stopping it and defining it as 'I am suppressing'.
In fact this is overcomplicated -- I breath and I stop all inner movement -and the MOST IMPORTANT is to stop when I see that ALREADY I have been moved by inner mind-movement - and not 'giving in' or 'giving up' or 'changing myself, because it is here' and using excuse as 'it will be the last' -- so truswting myself and stop. Even when a huge cool temptation comes - that is also me - of me as me -- I am here, I am breath.
Instead of realizing why a temptation is cool and what is of coolness it has and why and how I defined that as my self-definition. And it can be any thing - woman, instrument, food, anything what is here. pffsffffffffffffff

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex without actually exploring myself here about why and how I desire - because I already realized that desire is of and as self-dishonesty - and if I accept myself to desire - I am accepting myself as self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as desire as energy - and defining that I am less energy when I desire a lot - revealing that I am defining myself as energy as desire as dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I built up a system within and as me what is measuring the amount of self-dishonesty and this measurement has to be within a specific domain to remain the current being who I perceive myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from 'too much' energy, and fear from 'too less energy' - to simply become an organic robot what makes preprogrammed things to avoid these conditions by utilizing it's developed methods to manipulate indirectly the 'energy level' of my mind as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as a tool to balance my energy level by releasing too much energy and neutralizing me as mind as energetic manifestation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as mind - instead of realizing that the mind is became a separate entity within me what is controlling me because I allowed and accepted it to not take self responsibility here as one as equal with and as everything of me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowing myself to stand up when I am experiencing the realization that the past is here and if I react - I am not here, I am remaining within the past - so I push myself to stop, I push myself to explore why the need and urge exists within me to react automatically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have more joy when I experience something what I defined as joy - like for example I get a piece of chips and then I want more and more and I go and get - by an event from outside from me.

It is the same with touch, hug, kiss, sex - I trust myself within and as the moment and I face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest - and then in a moment I do hug with a being and then I want it more - then I want more!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself to an extent when I am being directed trough my suppressions and literally I do something what I am not directing, but I am being directed - for instance 'loosing my head' when somebody is fondling my body - and then by memory the urge arises to want more and to become excited and aroused -
This is a transcendence point - when I am facing with the truth - I am here and then I am realizing that the past is here - and when I let it to direct me - I just prove to myself that I am my past - and I am not here - I am not exploring what is here(or yes for a moment - like I said - that: the past is here lol) and then I am here as my past - not as my actual expression as who I am as moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use as an excuse to want to have sex or orgasm just because in the last years I've suppressed it extensively - instead of realizing that I was worshipping to keep up the status quo within my fight within my mind as myself -- instead of stopping reacing and stopping being dishonest.

self forgiveness breath, will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/say that I can not hear from my breath instead of realizing that this is an excuse because if I am not inner silent - in fact I do not hear from my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to be inner silent because then I experience that the sound of my breath is intense and my body and heartbeat is undenyably throbbling and unavoidable.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be inner silence just because I believed that what I think within the mind - is more important than be here as this breath - because I did not allowed myself to trust me and I relied on my memory-based thinking system to tell me what to do, how to experience.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I think - I am not here, I am not breath, I am not here within and as the physical, only within my mind dimension - separated, limited and preprogrammed - just because I do not dare myself to push myself here to express who I am as moment, just because I do not trust myself as life, because I use memories as excuse, because I've given up on myself as life -- until I do not stop participate within the mind and live who I am as all as one as equal as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my breath - revealing that I am participating in the illusion that I am separated from breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word breath.
I forgive mysself that I have abused and suppressed my breath according to suppress myself 'into' my mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not aware of my breath here as one as equal - I am not here, I am deceiving myself by the participation within and as the mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I give up everything what is not here - I am here as my breath as body as physical - because if I give up everything from my mind - I realize that I am here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware that when I think while I breath or when I think while I hold in or out the breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself by not being aware of my thoughts, not realizing that I am segregated.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the very essence of my desires make me to believe that I have to reach something beyond myself where I am actually as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that everything of me is already here - if I am not experiencing and expressing myself as one as equal as the totality of myself - I am not here as breath as life - I am perceiving myself as self-separated entity what is less then the existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be less than existence, than the wholeness of everyting - just because I defined myself according to what my eyes see.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in every moment and every breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the illusion of ascension by placing myself into a process and projecing my desires into the future, and not realizing that this is procrastination and hope - and in fact an excuse to not stand up as life here within and as this moment, and practically change.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a specific energetic definition system and defining my status between to the lack of energy or the too much energy and then simply reacting by using the preprogrammed methods to keep me between these values who I defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy, instead of realizing that I am here as breath - I direct myself and I am expressing myself as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sitting straight, because then I will be tired and that tiredness can be an excuse for not directing myself appropriately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as self-defeat and self-judgemental and self-doubt - to try to hide from myself to not face with and as what I have accepted and allowed to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to run away from my desires lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally run away from my desires within the hope that this will go by moving intensely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up my desires, especially sexual desires by participation of attraction to specific picture presentations of human women.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am not here as breath, I tend to desire after woman, because of in the past I defined the expression of approaching woman as a substitution and an attention divertion from the fact that I desire to be myself who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define power as having money and woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a relationship with a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to the emotional movements within me - what are built up by thoughts, what are built up by my dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define straightness and inner silence as something what makes me tired.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop defining myself as tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assist and support myself unconditionally in every single moment of every single breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility to practically changing myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to assist myself unconditionally and be the living example of practical change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship within my mind to specific pictures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself as myself by allowing my thoughts, feelings, emotions to define my reality and my experiences and expressions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am worshipping with 2d pictures within my mind and judging and defining it separatedly from me trough thoughts feelings and emotions - I am not here as the totality of myself - but only a fraction of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define desire as a force what drives me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to drive myself as me as one as equal and designing desires separatedly from me to determine who I am, how I mush act, how I mush react - instead of being here as moment as breath as me as life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want to have free will, instead of realizing that this is a silent secret agreement trough beings as they and me are allowing ourselves to continue existing as deliberate dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this moment is the result of the past, and if I do not stop the mind as me - it will remain this until I do not stand up as life unconditionally, right here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that freewill is an excuse to not conside all as one as equal as life but to say that I have the right to do that within the act of self-interest.

self forgiveness: straight

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be straight - literally by standing, sitting and breathing straight here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to stooping instead of realizing that within that expression I am mostly not here, only within my mind - constantly generating and participating within and as thoughts and by that - I am manifesting a kind of indirect expression, which is of my accepted self-judgement, self-defeat, self-suppression - instead of standing up within and as myself and be straight as the physical expression of me as breathing here as inner silence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be straight with people because of self-definition about them within myself - instead of realizing that I accept and allow this definitions about them and still inside of me I am reflecting back my own definitions to me and then defining the definitions to build up who I perceive myself to be - what is absolute self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be straight to the actual point about what I am one and equal with and as - because of fearing from the outcome - what is already here and by trying to find shorter paths - I want to escape from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep up/maintain a thought-based definition-cache(poll - pool) about what I perceive about here - instead of experiencing what is here directly as me as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a self-definition-shield within me to perceive it between the existence and me to have the illusion that I am separated, that I am in safety, that I am in power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being straight with people because of fearing the exposure of who I really am inside behind the self-definition shield.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be directive straight because of fearing from the failing - instead of realizing that the actual fear from failure only would show up that I am actually a program what can not change, and that's why I would fear from that who I became here : it can fail because then I would expose myself to myself that I define myself as this failure who can not change.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally in all ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop personalities to avoid confrontation with people because of I wanted people to trust in me to make me believe that I can be trusted - so this indirect 'respect'-'trust' would give a conditional strength to actually trust me - but this trust is not real because is of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore what is here by directing and disciplining myself to remain inner silent by pushing myself with and as every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from emotions instead of realizing that by separation I am not the directive principle within oneness and equality as all of me here just because of a belief what I want to step over but this also would show me for me that I want it instead of actually LIVE as me as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself to avoid to be straight because of the self-defined fear that then nobody would be with me because I do not respect the mind, I do not respect the mind-based perceptional personality reality of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing myself within consciousness because I defined it as terrible, self-defeat - instead of trusting me here and not allowing the mindfucks to overcome by applying self-honesty and self forgiveness UNCONDITIONALLY HERE as WHO I AM as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from having sex because of the mind-information system rejuvenation - instead of trusting me as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to became a mind consciousness system and defining myself as personalities and emotional/energetic charges-releases instead of being straight constant here as life as embracing everything of me here as moment as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires and literally walk with it by hoping that at one point I will give up and by hoping that if it is of dishonesty then I would not 'get it', so sooner or later I will give up -- instead of directing myself and stopping to accept myself as desire.

RolePlaying-darkness

Darkness and demons. Tomorrow we're gonna play Call of Cthulhu RPG, I did not played 'RolePlayGame' since many years - basically since I've realized that within 3D: the very same is happening right now.
But I am curious about what brings forth within me and is cool to face with myself and with the heads who I was with in those times: the same trio we will play who we are still keep in kind of contact: if one of us writes an email to one or the another - goes to both - so this kind of stuff goes since we have email.
Three of us marked quite different lines within our lives - one of us went to military academy and got serious exercises about how this stuff works and all the 'male' roles are programmed and being maintained, developed and manifested by the total control of modern weaponry. After that he just jumped off from the army - and is still learning computer science, programming, maths etc - and he is currently working on a QA(quality assurance - 'testing') a new computer game. He is managing himself to re-gain some kind of responsible position about project managing.
We know each other since childhood, at computer workshop we met, and were having big fun times together, even at one point my mother were suspecting that I am kind of gay because I am with him many times - but we were doing computer games, role playing stuff, fantasy, sci-fi stuff, nature walks, phyisical funs like sword-playing with sticks etc.
He just spent here 2 weeks and was cool - we do not need to speak too much to understand each other kind of without words we can get each other's stuff...

The other guy I was in highschool with, he is kind of smart face, many system-knowledge, literature, readings stuff, kind of sceptic wisdom he enjoys, and he is working as system admin in a kind of law area - but he is doing webmaster stuff...

Interesting to see how they are within the system - how they are accepted themselves as themselves - based on their perceptions - and it's fascinating to see my mind-tentacles towards them - how I operate related to them - how I change with them.
It's kind of cool act to explore this and just express myself.

This is a part of my own programming what I've managed to quite freely experiment with them - I was teenager, and what I played within the role play fantasy game - kind of that personality I could express without inhibition, without self-judgement.
I was Talamon, the elven crazy wizard - not good, not bad, but who writes his own laws related to his life. I liked the nature stuff, and I liked to express my own authority and power towards those who interfered with me - and sometimes that brought up some dark, bitter fogs but those were the pillars of the other side's joyful playtimes to keep in balance the waving, mystical, untouchable and mad wizard who had own inner scars what gave him enormous, throbbling raw energy to express and change the situations.

So this was like the original talamon idea - I liked magic, I wanted magic, I desired magic, I imagined magic and I believed magic - I searched and explored magic - the very essence of the magic of man - I was this kind of symbol.

I wanted the total power, the natural, undefeatable, innocent pure expression of influence right into the existence - but I could not express this - I could not find it anywhere else in that times - only within fantasy and sci-fi worlds such as wizards and demons, thiefs and assasins and within the star-wars world or in the gothic and utterly dark H.P.Lovecraft's world, the Call of cthulhu.

This dark presence what popped up within my life again and again - and there were occasional situations when it manifested so strongly, that I was totally astonoished, freezed about - hey this is shit real, not only fantasy.
The suppressed anger and fear was the basic glue within my mind to keep together this systematic, lava-worm-like energetical vibration what made me power over my body.

When I was tiny, I got a so strong shock, that I could not contain - I had to separate this (literally) entities within myself because it was fearful that I can not breath anymore if I let this manifest totally - so I fought with my mind to remain 'alive' - yet it was a very deep, strong compromise - I literally chained myself to my limits by very agressive conditions - to be ensured that I wont step into those cold, dark areas within myself - even when I would like.
So this made me even forget about the darkness - but the seal was never perfect - the seal was always leaking somehow - the bindings had own consequences - I lost my direction, I've lost my dreams, and what was the very serious one: I've lost my power to be able to direct myself.
This caused a hole - a whole, holy break - this break was the pit what I felt, I am always falling into - every day I've had this dream about I am falling - and I was falling into my own deep, dark nothing. I've became addicted to fall - to fall within the darkness - after a while I defined that I am alive when I am experiencing this freezing, frightening fall within the total, nonsensual instinctly shocking darkness.
This is what I used to generate my energy - this was to be used to hit into the energy-fields to make strong remarks to form the reality how I perceived as possibly right.
I was so raw, that I feared that I could kill someone with an unconscious movement.
I was fearful from killing - I was fearful to kill the first human - I believed that if I would kill someone - then the human life would loose it's meaning, because I had the belief that if someone killed once - then to kill again would not be difficult.

So this darkness I had and I have - I still experience and it is within and around my solar plexus - kind of heavyness around the lungs when someone cant breath - but this one is not only around the chest - it is around the hip, around the stomach, the hip, the buttocks -- the whole trunk as one cold, shivering grey-white-black energyfield what kind of slows down the time-perception - and gives the sound as metals are cut with some unholy, magical deepdark carved blades.

Thos wavering what I experience within my writings as I start somewhere and the direction very soon goes to deep into my core of my being - is kind of tendency - I have no idea what I will write - but in fact I write within self-honesty and what is here - I write it down.
In fact - it would be fascinating to write all day - I want this - so it is the self-direction point - am I able to manage myself to write continously for more than one-two hours? Because in the begining I writing something 'kind of usual' but that is also specific - and as I move along - the whole story gets more and more intimated and more serious - and I manifest as words within this document - more likely I would say that my accepted and allowed manifested responsibility is being reckognised as a self-defined, self-contained, self-determined mind-personality pattern system.

Within the roleplay game - I could express these dimensions from me verbally - a kind of virtually directing this elven mage talamon character within the storyline - and many times I was kind of against the storyteller's world - I wanted to direct appropriately the situations - but the storyteller was kind of against me - as the physical world made this in that times - I thought I am powerful and I wanted to direct situations but I was kind of an apprentice of magic and I had no real power over the physical and many times I almost got killed, and the grace of the storyteller had saved my life.
And this talamon stuff has growed within me - and I wrote lifestory of the character about the parents were killed and the child got trauma and shock and kind of remained child but became an old man at a same time with the certain touch of death on his shoulder.

In that times I was reading many books what were played in fantasy worlds - about the half-human/half-orc chaos priest with the chain-mace or the sword of night with the three demigods - of course beyond the classic ones such as LOTR, star wars, cthulhu, dark elf series etc...

I desperatedly wanted to explore worlds and realms, to express myself and within this 3D existence I could not - I was poor, powerless and self-doubted, inhibited and fearful - I had ability to use logic extensively but I could not see beyond my own program.
These fantasy worlds were the illusion dimension where I could escape, where I could be apparently more free - I was having a huge imgaination - basically an ability to see thought-based picture worlds inside of me - related to the input what I pulled up from books, movies etc - based on my suppressions and desires.

I started to tend to be with those people who participated with this kind of self-image of me - what was basically a total mindfuck but it gave the illusion that I am right.
In that times I wrote many adventures and tiny novels but I never finished one - I had huge doubt within everything - why and how?

As I started to do something, to express - I found that that specific act is kind of limited after a while - in the begining it was new and the possibilities were infinite - but as I started to involve myself within - the whole stuff started to become more and more determined, more and more predictable and program-like....

So in that times I turned to computers...

I liked to play with computer-games - these tiny figures what I had to direct indirectly with the joystick - I liked these - simple and countable - yet it has the access of a new area for me - success -- when I made a level of a computer game - I felt a moment of joy, a kind of instant and breezing happiness and that was the possibility to continue to play along to move on to the next level...

After a while I was interested how these games were built up - how these were made up? I heard about computer programming, I was very interested - I started to explore this, basic language and I enjoyed that I can write my own computer program and I had to get a C64 computer and I wrote some stuffs, I copied many programs and very soon I understood the very basic of computer programming - I stopped to walk out to nature - I stopped to go out to nature - I could control the computer - and when I did not understood what was the problem - because the machine did not do what I wanted - it was always logical and I could find the problem and fix it - I started to trust in the computer. I was always who mistyped the code, I was who missed a conceptual point - and when I wanted - I could find it. It was like a sandbox...

So the darkness I could close out by my intent by focusing to computers - the screen had it's own light and my code was on the screen - or the games what I played - in fact for me the coding was also playing...
Even when it was dark and night - the colorful screen I merely gazed all day and night without even forgeting my own human physical body and my emotional package of fears and anger and depression.

So I tried many things - chemistry, biology, maths, history, sports etc but after all I always felt like these are not really challenging - these had their own linguistics and after learning that - I could move along easily without obsticled -- in fact without expressing and manifesting something - I just enjoyed the theories the stories the mechanisms and the facts - but to literally act these 'knowledges' within 3D - I never intended to - - for some times I did - I build little electronic stuffz, but after a while it was boring and very soon I learnt to jump over to another area before I could slow down within the progress of learning -- I was searching something more profound...
Even when I found the computer science - I sucked that so easily and naturally, but it was not enough - I was flying within fantasy worlds and I've managed to separate my identity from the 'dark' and 'evil' entities by letting books and movies to describe these for me to be able to define separatedly from me -- such as demons, undeads, evil beings, monsters and it was fascinating...

Somehow I had this affinity to research after these - of course the heros and angels also made me busy but somehow these dark entities had more freedom - even with the fact that within the stories the heroes always killed them.

In those times I believed that I have some sort of special abilities such as psychics, when I wanted to something to happen, I contencrated and when it happened - I was quite sure that I influenced that with my will.

I read Silva's Mind-control and I used the three-finger technics, and even I used to touch my right earlobe to try to control traffic lamps etc...

I had so strong desire to experience some kind of natural awakening to realize that I have a power of magic to change the reality.
In those times I was extremly thin and very whiteskinned(still) and I had to protect my identity about I saw that the general heroes were very muscular within the stories and I could not identify myself with them totally because of the image presentation of myself was very different.
The only advantage was my shining big blue eyes what was used to be the interest of girls.
Of course they did not realize that the frightening suppressed anger and inhibition made that kind of expression to freeze onto my face and I even could not speak barely -- with girls -- especially with the beautiful ones.

So interesting childhood I had and my family had this controlled fight among each other and it was in the air many times that they simply hate each other.

The only thing what I could do with this situation that I could express this shit towards my sister who was 3 years younger - and I was such an asshole many times.


ok this is enough - this darkness stuff will continue with more experiences, especially with the intense ones to explore my 'relationship' with the self-deluded definition of darkness.

Some self forgiveness I express to unify my experience here:


Role playing game:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have developed a role - a role of myself - a rule of myself - who I define myself to be by thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures -- instead of being here naturally as moment as me as breath as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from this physical existence into some sort of illusionaric fantasy world and playing and imagining myself to be a hero there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to go into fantasy worlds within my mind as good, as cool, as a source of joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy by the escaping from this 3d physical reality with participation within mind-images powered by thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself here within and as this physical expression as atrophy based to the comparison my picture presentation related to the heroes of the stories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be hero - to get the people-s respect because I did not honoured myself so I wanted to get this by others to make me believe that I am honoured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect myself because of defining my worth based on the zero numbered heroic deeds what I've done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as who I am according to my own definitions and to hide from my own definitions - I've created an another personality by myself who is strong, powerful and magical - because I was missed these from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as powerless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ordinary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to myself because I experienced myself as powerless and weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from those who had power and strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as logical - because I had the ability to compute the situations precisely as a machine in order to avoid the mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from mistakes - because I had the perception that I am myself a mistake because I was not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my expression and always wanted more than I was able to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations based on my memory and my usage of logic - instead of trusting me here - I chosed within my logic and my memory and past experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn from my parents that I can not have mistake because that would mean that I failed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my mother's judgement about I have failed because then I defined myself as unworthy and pathetic - because I have compared myself to heroes from movies and books and for the grownups around me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust within and as me - but trusted within my definitions of what is good enough based on the other's teachings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after another human being - instead of realizing that if I allow myself to desire after one human - I am that human who I desire after - and I am right here - but I do not experience myself because of this desire what I experience - as I explore the lack of me - lol.

share self-f0rglveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chew myself within myself because of suppressed expressions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chew myself literally within my mouth because of manifesting eating myself because of the manifestation of self-digesting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chew my mouth inside, sometimes on the left side, sometimes on the right side when I am judging myself because of suppressed self-definitions, because of suppressed self-defeat, because of self-doubt, because of manifested expression of continous thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as defeated based on events towards me by others by taking these events personally, instead of realizing that these beings are showing their nature to me and not specially for me, only I was 'just' here and I have accepted and allowed it to happen instead of standing up and acting immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am eating my mouth inside with my teeth to cause a scar inside to make hurt myself and to feel the blood because the accepted and allowed mind work manifests within and as my human physical body - until I stop - stop participating within self-doubt, self-defeat, self-judgement, self-defeat.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust me within me as me as breath as me, as moment as me within oneness and equality as all as one as equal as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body by expressing my stress in my positions, hand/feet poses, by not realizing that these expressions are the geometrical manifestations of my accepted and allowed mind-participations and are abusing the body by posing within unpleasant positions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my physical body postures instead of trusting me here as breath as expression without any definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here as breath as moment, and slipping away for moments by participation in the 'jack in the box' memory popups. These moments are the keys to direct myself and be self-honest about to explore the why(as the situation what made me to react to 'slip away' from here, and the actual 'slipping' about to see the whole 'scenario' exactly as it is: to realize the schemas within my expression to be able to see the core and apply self-forgiveness and stop participate within memory in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to dare myself to explore that who I really am by hugging illusionaric mind-bullshit about who I am by idealizing and keeping up definintions about who I am - instead of realizing the trap of myself as self-defined, self-contained, self-centered experience of my manifested, compounded dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to direct myself by 'letting go' the moment by trusting within the existence, because of I have allowed to define that 'I always get back the control, even when I give up and I just flow' - instead of realizing that these moments are the self-giving up-s when I want to escape from self-directiveness because of trying to avoid self-responsibility and even trusting within the system about 'it will make what I want anyway' - and this is separation - this is the actual proof of the participation of self-doubt, self-dishonesty. I stop this, I trust me and I stop to escape from awareness by defining it too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define awareness as too much, as unbearable intense, instead of moving myself trough my limitations and actually allowing myself to explore what is here - basically by letting everything go and stabilize self-presence as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within plants and chemicals and drugs instead of trusting me within me as me as breath here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge spirituals or any other beings, instead of instantly being aware and intimated about the actual mind-participation to realize that I accept this within me towards me, so I stop by applying self-forgiveness and stop judging beings, myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally just because a human is very close to me and I defined to avoidable to breath naturally deeply, because then the being would sense the air.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become embarrassed because of the near presence of another human to trigger to not breath naturally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as moment as me, as breath as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become aroused when seeing sexual content, such as naked woman or hearing beings speaking about sex or orgasm. Realize that I am becoming aroused by the attached memory of the words - so I am not hearing the word as sound, but I hear my own memory triggered by the words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe or think or broadcast that I am weaker after I have sex - instead of realizing that I am defining myself and my energy and my strength by my suppressed emotions and amount of thinking and depression and anger - and when it is released, I am loosing my motivation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being motivated by suppression, by emotion, by anger, by depression - instead of realizing that these are of the past - and as I am defining myself by the past - I am still holding these systematic packages as who I am to defend myself from what is here - from what I have accepted and allowed to manifest within this existence - as one as equal as who I became within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from having sex with a woman because of the mind-fragment-replacements and mind-rejuvenartion and all of this bullshit what I have experienced in the past with different girls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself special by defining that if I have sex with a girl then she will get mad because of the intense mind-energy what I release and my attitude towards the existence about actually how I experience myself within this reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define too much for other beings that as I am commited to self-realization and throw away anything and everything to be able to face what is really here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be responsible for other being, especially for those who I have or had sex with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what is sex and what is not, instead of just being moment as me as breath as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress sexual desire instead of being self-intimated and realize that I am desiring for being whole, for being myself, for being totally unified here and by hoping that I could find this within sexual expression with other beings, such as girls, women, then I rather would tend to seek sex instead of realizing that giving up desire is the common sense to be here who I am within and as the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change my world instead of realizing that this is already here, I can not change it, I have to face it as me as one as equal, but changing myself will change everything around me if I stabilize myself as moment as inner silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scratch my head, the skin on my head under my hair - as I am scratching my mind to access specific mind-memory areas to react specifically to the actual situations, instead of being aware of the situation, applying self-forgiveness and actually stop and remain inner silent as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a lot of money to be able to buy many musical instruments and being able to fly to
SA instead of trusting me here and working and actually physically manifesting this to be able to explore.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that when I want money, I want to escape from what is here, from where I am - instead of realizing the actual situation and directing it as me as one as equal here.

So this is actually possible to stop: the chewing up my mouth inside and the head-scratch. DO IT!

today

I considered to explore all levels of memory about participation in all possible layers of it - drugs, sex, emotions fears etc -- all shit - to peel and cut the connections as self-direction as self-forgiveness as self-corrective momentary explorative? stabilization as inner silence -- to stand up from my location as my physical name as self as one as equal as all life within oneness and equality: self-responsibility to remove myself as manifested illusion/dishonesty to birth life from the physical here.

I had several years with many visual eyes and energy shit of intended abuse of psychotic drugs and strong delusions by uncontrollable suppressions as well -- recently flashed back for moments quite intensely;
so not yet transcended absolutely.

What is becoming obvious by pushing myself trough the spiderweb of my own(won) dishonesty is that: the process is to realize the stupidity of the participation within the process instead of stand up as life right here as this one breath.
Because if the processor I am, then if no memory load/save then what to process in the next breath? And then one can realize that the next breath is not real - only this one - so the common sense is not that the processor is needed for keeping up the illusion of the unreal?
So what if this breath is the last - and I am preparing for the next one - I am missing this one what is here - and then the starting point of my actual existence is being revealed - the 'what if-ness' as manifested self-doubt : this is what makes self not be here as breath.
Then the next command should be breath and stop processing
and breath and stop processing? and then breath when the stopping the process here is breathing the 'I', what makes the whole crap disappear and that's it, this is who I am, I am here.

Ok

Ok, I've killed all unposted/unfinished blog drafts, simply by publishing them, some were for months only - only sleepeng. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not breath naturally in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I walk.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I walk on street.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I meet with someone on street.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I look into someone-s eye while I am walking on street.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I see something uncommon.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define situations as uncommon.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define situations separated from me, instead of realizing that the situations are me as one as equal and I can breath here and direct myself as the situation as me as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath when I encounter with a breathtaking experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define situation as breathtaking by allowing myself to stop breathing naturally to be able to dig into the mind and not being here as the physiscal as me as one as equal to take self-responseibility and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yawn, to shut down, to not hear what I was about in the last moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I am having a conversation with somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/consider about the other related to my breathing experience - instead of realizing that I breath here and this is not the question of judgement, but self-trust - - can I trust within and as me to breath here naturally or not - and if not then why? What is the obsticle within my head what I dare to push before my breath - to see this and realize the dishonesty and prepare the change by specific self-forgiveness and then apply it and change.,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider about how many blog posts I send today, instead of realizing that I am me as breath here - and I discipline myself to focus to what is here and when attempts are occuring to wavering then applying self-forgiveness specifically.

back

Some strength only can come when I am stepping over the accepted weakness.
This sickness is like a contract - a connection - a giving/getting.
I give my strength, I get back my weakness.
For the weaken to be awaken?
This women issues looks like total bullshit - at the moment I manage breath trough these issues - the mind-desire and the sex desire - totally separated stuffs but in fact it is just like multiple-pillared mind-worm - caterpillar-like consctructional surreal uncutted kidneypushing breathtaking small moments when I realize the ironic smell of my own bullshit.

Never sewer the fever bever beaver!

So this sharp short pains in right kidney happen quite often in this last some days.
Stop pretending, stop projecting, stop fighting, stop playing.
Still I tend to play the cosmic consciousness act - because people pulls a trigger what I never ocnsidered - and self-honesty sharply pains and I see the hidden reflection of me inside the robot's personality of my own expression.
Spiritual bullshit and great wisdom people do like to wave but this is for their mindpeace but undoubtfully weak for protecting the weaving of the lakemirror's wholeness when the rock falls.
And I find myself to not be this falling rock into their lake and then in the next moment I can not judge myself because I did not pushed myself - because it is totally gone. So this kind of issue is quite remarkable - if I push myself in every moment then I can not be blamed by myself - because I am aware - that I do anything what is possible in every moment - so this gives me the trust - or gives the way to realize that I am my trust.
Like in the work - I sit in office, I push me and the job is being pushed, and is being solved - if not - then I have to push - that's it.
In this project - I pushed myself to the limits - and it's great - I experienced something new - the obsession of self-occupation - what I do is that what I do and I do it and I enjoy to do it and I am doing it and this is who I am.
This only I experienced before in party-life when I was kind of spiritual-guy who could be quite deep in the trips and I was aware that I am silent - but as I literally engineered this to happen - I had to pay for the process - because it was based on chemical - and big shoot ment to get the big fall.
I got a tiny realization about how much mind-garbage I've participated and all I will have face again and stop reaction until everything of me stops.
I experienced blue energy-strains around in space - kind of salvia-shit flash-back was - with the eyes of consciousness. Trippy stuff - manifested mind-prison of me one and equal here.
Observation one more - right nose is stuck - this happens when I participate too much thoughts - it stuck and when I allow myself to breath - just breath - this always goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always wanted to be somebody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be just like somebody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be like those who apparently are capable of doing incredible things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanted to be musician like those who I know from personal memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself to not trust myself but want to copy others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to liste to others about I have to copy others in order to find my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to emotional suppressions and automated reaction systems according to the manifested dishonesties within myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize

Scar(ed) (T)issues

Ok I make a list about what I do not want to forget anymore until I transcended.

-some tirednes when comes up - only necessary to push trough and realize that I am breath as expression and apply self-forgiveness anything comes up on and as
-resistance on some specific 'areas' what I've defined as avoidable or fightable - this implies women, finishing music and be self-honest with anybody, especially those who I have memory with - called family, friends etc --- when avoidance occurs, simply apply self-forgiveness and see what is being digged up and apply self-forgiveness and push self until the core is here and one and equal I stand -- when I realize that I fight - I stop and see reactions as well and see what I fear to loose and simply experience to let it go and explore what remains
--embarrassedness - this is actually cool - kind of presence-test -- discipline and breath and enjoy what is here
--fear from not having enough resources (basically money) - this is ludicrous, actually I will get a contract for unlimited time in a huge company - until nukewar, probably it will last -- more precisely: until I will leave

So here is a girl who wants to meet with me and do some nasty things but she is inhibited from a perspective, and I am simply aware about how I would react about her: probably one curly night and that's it.

For me at this moment is important to push me trough from avoiding physical contact to actually facing with.

In fact there is the other girl who I dream with sometimes and she is just attracting me with her simplicity and beauty and innocence - and she wrote to me that soon we meet.

I do not accept myself to have an another relationship anymore - so this stuff brings up some past unfinished businesses - and I can say - I am ruthless, but in fact I do not identify myself as who I really am with the emotional content what I actually let to direct me - only I open myself unconditionally and realize what is this and how it happened. No romantic bullshitting.
I already seen what this looks like - shining light-systems within my human physical body until I do not stop participate. I stop.

This emotional participation is much-much less stronger, overcoming and deeper than one-two years before - but in fact I can still explore the influence within my expression and I do not accept this.

I got the flu - it came fast, and it was extensively intense, painful, but looks like the real shit of this actual one has gone - what left is a little tiredness and sick throat and lot of coughing.

It was like my spine was burning and my limbs were freezing - or broken.
My head was dizzy and barely I could think so I pushed myself to simply breath.

I was watching Heroes 1 series and these emotions came up - and I almost cried - I was literally burning inside. It was like a transformation.

I tend to forget that nothing to fear - I can really do whatever I want - and the excuse to explore this because of the fear was to lie to myself that I do not know what I want.
BUT
I am who I am - I do not need to want who I am - I am simply who I am, so I express.

days

I work all day, actually every day - weekend or not - this is one big pushday.
I work hard, I even do not think, how much I am at the office - something changed within me. I am my work. People are being kicked out, even within the team - some are really professionals - this not about friendship, not even how long they were at the company or how they are good in their job. Simply just cutting down the branches as the spring comes - this brings much questionmarks all around me but I do not care. I work here and I do not separate myself from them or from my work.
I started to be good. I've never worked at a comapny for one year - this is it. One year - it's enough to stabilize my feet on what I am doing and the fruit is much-much days - something I perceived as stuck and swampy - or something what is freezed - started to move. I move, and I get what I want and then will see.
Within two months I will be able to financially stand up from loans - and my tiny studio is getting ready.
Work of me - the work as me.
I started to notice that I defined myself as not getting aroused but as I noticed, I defined myself - I started to be aroused - I got some movies, I watched and interesting was to see - I 've defined myself according to suppression.
And I've defined that that girl wanted to have movies and I dared myself to justify this with her - projection - mind-obsession -- obvious exposion.
I needed this suppression to define me to remain this. But not anymore.
Simply because I wanted to avoid living woman but still wanting to have release when the bomb is starting to explode - but still remain as a bomb. Because then I can say - fuck, I am a bomb, what does not explodes, but still a bomb.
So Explosion? I did it - outnumbered occasions it happened by horsekicking psychedelics - those were not real but in fact the kicking was real. I kicked myself indirectly because I was not here and I pushed myself. But from over there - to over over there. In fact it is more simple to push myself here.
I am here - I push myself here.
Every moment I do not push myself - I am being pushed back from my unpush-ness.
Of couse it does not matter - when I start to step back from the push - it comes and I step back and it is me - my shadow manifestation is pushing me.
Also this girl - we did chat and I experience the urge to get her but I in fact there is something what is holding me back.
It is more precise than a nuclear plant. Because in fact I am leting myself to dream about an another girl just because of the memory - and the another girl is waiting for being 'hunted' - and I enjoy to express myself as honesty and when I act - I experience myself as pushing her to realize self honesty and than I realise that I push me and then I am pushing here constantly what ever is this here - and when it's undefined and I am directing - it is obviously effective.
This bullshit knowledge system what I am stopping - it is huge - but that wisdom is system wisdom - fucks me up and down and IO define myself according to these frequency sample treshold statistics? Fuck the system - fuck the memory - embrace time and space as breath in and as every single moment.

Probably the desire to be with that girl who I dream regularly - or if not then the dream is obviously about this kind of entity. Let's face this stuff in real. So much suppression comes out and knocking on the closed doors - Hey, Tala, are you here? Are you in?

So - push yourself in every single moment - because this is the gift of self. the push of self as self-honesty to live moment here.
I push my mother as me - I push that girl on chat, I push my sister, unconditionally dealing with and as everything here as me.
Enjoying work - and this is like if I trust me in every moment - I am the manifested trust placement within and as me: then nothing to worry, enjoy the show and every fail-all-ure is just part of the movement - as whole as everything.

Still darkness is avoided from a point - self-trust experience opens up doors every day - this process is very simple - express and express and express.

The first hungarian guy joined on desteni hungarian site - he asked me where to start or what to read, and I've suggested him some docs, videos.
that's all - on this week I write more again.
It actually does not matter how much I work - I am starting to be more focused when I am awaken - I do and act and I push me and then I sleep, and I wake up and I push myself again - interesting to see how much I've defined myself according to energy related to sexual expression - sexual release, or orgasm - I've defined myself according to sexual suppression - and my energetical level according to the amount of sexual desires, suppressions - what always caused tiny shocks within my body, experiences - so I experience with this - to not suppress - but express - and will see what will be unfolded. I did quite some self forgiveness aloud about this energy stuff and sexual stuff and I change - I have to change because I am already changing - it's unstoppable. I as breath stopping the participation within the mind to remain inner silent.
So much I can fight with a simple stuff - but it's unnecessary.

These self-forgiveness sentences what I say in these days - I stabilize with this post:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy as amount according to the quantity of suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desires and transform it to depression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desires and anger into deprssion - instead of realizing that this anger is towards me because I did not stand up and I did regret the stepping back from myself - instead of standing up and pushiny myself trough my previously accepted and allowed nature to explore what is actually here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing with girl because I fear from having fall into possession of her as relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that in the past I lost my head because of girls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chose girls according to how much I could fly away in my mind from here and saying that these girls are really special so probably will assist me to fly away to another dimensions/worlds who the fuck knows where to actually not being here as expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire girl to have sex instead of realizing that this is a programmed self-definition system about how to remain exactly the same according to suppressions and definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny me and try to escape from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define orgasm as something what takes my energy away - and within participation in this belief - I started to perceive myself as this and then I was totally the slave of this illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my power related to how much I avoided sexual expression - just because I've defined sex as nasty, or low.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I became quite soon possessed with sex and that's why I looked after another expressions or explorations such as drugs, music, travel etc to avoid sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that sex is the mind-energy rejuvenartion system's main fuel - and until I fight against it - it will persists.

Push&shadow

Light. Pure, overtone, virtual mindlight.

The being participates trough self-definition what energetically manifests projection within this light consciousness system.
This one step-definition projects a simple bean from the direction of it's starting point- let's call this 'entry-point'. As the being enters this territory, the system allows to shoot beams - what are like vacuums within the full of light, from the opposite of it's starting point - it casts a shadow.
So there is the being participates within a self-definition - this singular vacuum-like beam is shooted and from an another perspective it casts shadow. Now lets' explore what is self-definition. Actually every definition has to be self-definition. So.
It's like here is this consciousness as a manifested sound expression. Not the whole sound, but it's like a filtered part, yet it is that, but the being is the filter. The being can be called also as starting point of sound expression.
So there is a method to scan the limited consciousness system by taking samples from the currently available frequency domain. The important part of these frequency-scans is the filter(being) and the intensity: the peak. The peak signifies that the being's expression caused an intense participation(intense self-projection by definition as a singular mind-bean) within a specific frequency domain and the previous vacuum-bean 'shooting' was the starting point of it. So then the peak(and it's starting point) is being stored within a specific storage, called memory, and labeled by the previous definition itself as word - as the previous definition's vacuum bean caused the actual. A connection arises - from point to line and from line forming the geometry of participation.

So then this occurs multipe times, around the space and time - and causes multi-dimensional geometrical pattern within the existence; and manifesting these vacuum beans, by these starting points/taking samples/memory storings and each casts shadows.
These are not 'real' shadows - but more likely the balancing outs of the vacuums within the system to keep everything stabilized - but let go one step further in this stabilization:

Well, these shadows when interfere - then in fact the inverse frequency intensity is being merged - basically making darker 'areas' within specific 'basic clear light' domains.

And the being does not stops defining, so then, when experiencing this vacuum-beam-shadow-area within the light system - defines it as the exact inverse way as it is from the actual location of the being because of the beam-projections - and the being perceives shadow, and the shadow is a quite interesting part of the expression of the being:
It is the actual expression of the being, yet the being is perceiving the frequency domain - so it looks like the shadow is just a part of a reflection from the system, not the being itself - a part of the big common-filter-expression.

And the being starts to try to avoid entering dark area by shooting beams within the 'shadow-like defined' area, because there are yet vacuum beans, but those apparently not casting shadows - and from the being's perspective: it means that, it does not change the light, so it looks like that within the light only works the casting shadow by vacuum beans.

So the being starts to avoid it's own casted shadows, instead of realizing that is actually itself(himself/herself etc), what is trying to avoid - and indirectly being directed to react the opposite - and will facing with the same experience what tried to avoid.
Because the being(as the mental projection of the 'real' being) as these darkness-vacuum beams within the light system are influencing the system - so the system flows, and makes the play on: the being starts to meet with it's 'creation' - the consequences of the actual self-projections and then also tries to 'beam' it's own projected 'beamself' to figure out what happened - and then the circle is closed. After this movement the being is being locked out from it's creation from the perspective of losing the starting point of itself as entering the lightmind system and starting projecting energy-information-light-shadowcasting beams to define itself to be able to react.

So good luck to realize the only one solution: stop!

well, a bit foggy, I will return to this one once more to see what comes up later on