[JTL 141] Gaming addiction support part 2 - Self-forgiveness

Continuing on the previous post about walking through Gaming addiction to explore what are the patterns I am responsible for to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what experiences I have given permission to pull me, to trigger reactions within me, to be obsessed with and become addicted to the feeling I experience with computer gaming.

I forgive myself that I have never considered what is the fact, the reason for I have chosen computer gaming as more worth to give my time into, my efforts into, my energy, my money into and not realizing that I have became automated to reject, refuse, avoid to face direct physical reality what I share with all life on earth in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within computer gaming I re-create the same feeling, the same experience within I take refugee within the perception of I am in control while in fact I am not in control in my real life and wanting to balance out that, wanting to equate the reactions to abdicate facing facts of my reality what I am responsible for what I have pre-defined as difficult, heavy, unbearable, negative with the experiences I defined with gaming as interesting, cool, stimulating and positive and not realizing that living out these both I exist only in and as the polarity corners of my energetic mind while physical reality goes, actions and consequences accumulate which will remain here as equal as one as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the situation of humanity as a whole on earth as how many suffer in the system what all continuously participate within and as well as individual lives of participants of the system and the abuse and neglect of all life within the interest of experiences, consciousness, obsession with positive without common sense, without understanding the starting points, the consequences, the practical way to stop.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that actually I can do something myself with the currently existing human system and fearing from not being able to and within fear accumulating frustration and wanting to deal with the consequence instead of the starting point, meaning wanting to bandaid the resulting experience with an other experience while not really changing, while accepting existing within and as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing the priority of physical reality here what I share with all life here in and as existence by putting my interest of feeling good first within the belief that if I feel good, THEN I will be able to become effective and helpful for myself and others and not realizing that the need for feeling good is already an indication of a pre-existing relationship with the self-definition of feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that become obsessed with aspects of computer gaming as positive and negative to manipulate myself to make decisions for my self-interest and never considering common sense here by considering all what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have energetic experiences, movements arising from my solar plexus which then accumulates to feelings, moods, personalities to shift, activate as I have given permission to take over, to direct me, to tell me how I feel, who I am and what I must be in order to play out the character I have defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have positive judgments towards computer gaming and having negative judgments as well and by that constantly participate within duality, polarity, separation and not seeing the original fear what I allowed myself to exist as which is fear from expressing myself, fear from facing myself, fear from taking responsibility for all who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity within common sense as stopping myself participating within reasoning based on my interest, based on my memories, based on my feelings and simply let all go and breathe and remain always here, as clear, empty, direct physical realization of who I am here as all life as responsible.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can deal with my life and all what I wanted to live out in and as computer gaming - I can face in reality, I can realize what I was diverting from into the experiences of gaming while desiring to be more, to be different, to do things what I judged currently I can not do and not realizing that unless I stop being obsessed with gaming I will not be practically able to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and games as bad and judging not gaming and being me not gaming as positive and not realizing it is an attempt to manipulate myself into an other self-definition to live out and not realizing that by this I move by energy, and when the energy is off - I am again the starting point of myself what I did not deal with, did not understood/saw/realize which is in fact simply fear from expressing myself and changing myself and be always here and take responsibility for all who I am here.

To be continued with further Self-forgiveness, Self-commitment and Self-corrective statements

On thoughts

also me is seeing those like that...

thoughts are hiding behind the screen..unseen programs, unseen systems, unseen hideouts, unseen fears, no more that simply fear - fear from myself
separatedly, looped in and "waiting for " me to once realize them as me and unify as me as here as breath as all as one as equal to dissolve those system containers of information, and information movements...because that's not life...

now I still writing out my past experiences and amazing...still there are areas where:

-i see that I have to forgive on those specific points more extensively, what I see, but still comes back
-i see some areaas what I still do not still see trough, but my favourite part of me is the question of "WHY"...and many people around me are stuck in that...they say, neverending, spiral and etc, give up the WHY-s, that rejuvenates the mind, but until a point that I am stable as breath, no...
----i am lucky, because I have memories about being breath
----i am unlucky because I have to forgive also those mind-based pre-conceptions about "experiencing me" about how to breath and be me

instead of just breathing as life and being stable as me as me as life moment after moment

also very useful to move self, I even do not "know" what is that, but while that and after I am silence..and if not, but more systems I have, very useful to stop, like STOP, flagging again the starting point of me here and start over all process..
that what dimensions cannot afford without body
for me is not easy be sure in me but now as I return to me as breath, it just comes ...

maybe this also means something, dunno, for me was cool to write down, also to see 4 you to see where are the bottleneck "points"

now I started to focus also on yawning, that is also what I am curious...
many times it comes after thought, so will see;)

thanks
tala

I visited Scientologysts

Recently I walked into a center in Budapest. I was with a guy who said I dunno what is that really, and said let's look? I said haha why not, let's do it.
So we went in, a woman came to us, and invited us to sit and a guy just came and everywhere was that book, and the guy just started to pick up something about to speak. And we asked what is that 'scale' or what is this all about? And we got that mr Hubbard investigated that about -40 to +40 there is a scale, which like a car diagnostic machine if connected to you, can put you into one number. Anyway was strange for me...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tone_scale here it is
40. Serenity of beingness
1. Fear
- 8. Hiding
-40. Total failure

what I focused at there in that moment and I asked about what about for example I am being a "zen master", and I explained that
I am sitting in my little cave and sitting and breathing in my serenity of beingness, what about that? And in the world is everything is just sicked up, what is this? Without self-honesty, it is just not a form of hiding? A form of fear?
And the guy said well, quite ok, i am getting closer and smiled and after that asked me "Do you want to know what is your scaling", and in that moment I said "Well, actually my situation is fear. Extensively. I am in enormous fear." And I saw some of them "from that center" smiled and their eyes connected for a moment. And I said ok, what is your truth, the real truth, you know, what you think about all of this, not just this serenity is the "real" around all of the world, you know..I pointed outside to the street, and I said, probably you do not say this what we see on the streets, etc, is not the final "truth". And the guy said yes, but he can not explain that, because he does not know, I am ready for that, or not.
I said, well I met with many masters, I did quite long walk, for me you can tell me what is your "truth", for to know, you know. Honestly, as you to me as me. And he said no, maybe I could misunderstand that, needs preparation, etc etc..
Hm and in that part came the machine, ok let's do it.
And I walked to the machine, my friend stayed with another ones, I stopped follow what is happening with him, because I was on diaaa gnostics.
I had to hold 2 metal cylinders,what were connected to that machine and got that Do not move, be relaxed. I felt extensive fear in that moment, as I felt that all of my days, was not really bigger than 10 minutes before, so my hand was so swety. So.
The guy said Think something. I said, well I do not like to think, I am in process to stop my mind, it not looks to quite good idea for me, sorry. And he said, no problem, just think one.
Ok I thought one, maybe the pointer moved a little but not really. He said do not move with your hands,
(T = Talamon, S = Scientology guy)
S-What did you think?
T-Tom Cruise. (the face of him was lol)
S-And why?
T-I watched recently some movies and video interviews with him and I was a bit curious about why did he choosed this "religion".
S-What is your problem?
T-Fear.
S-From what?
T-From act. From that I always knew, but was afraid to do it.
S-Why?
T-Because I was afraid I will be killed, or I can not do.
S-To do what?
T-Stop the mind.
S-Hah yo can not stop it.
T-Yes I can, this is just fear, what I yet do not know about me
S-(started to explain about scientology mind, not remembering exactly, but all about here is just about 95%correct):There is a reactive mind, and the creative mind. The reactive mind is the problem, the creative mind is the cool part.
T-From the mind, inside the mind you can not say this, only when you are mind. All has to stop.

Ah shit I stop remember but anyway somehow I explained thoughts, feelings, emotions are the mind for example
S-This is the creative mind, lfor example....what do you do?
T-I just sold music instrument
S-So you are music instrument seller?
T-No, I just sold some keyboards, what I play on
S-So you are some kind of musician
T- ~~~I just play music yes
S-But you do that with your thoughts, how you do that and like that...
T-Noo, I just play, I just take the drum being one with that and play as I breath
S-But you think how you do that, what you play
T-Noo, I just play, for example in sex you think on what you do, where you put your hand, how your body move? Noo..just being having sex, no?
S-...here is the book, -He gave it into my hand, I watched, I opened just in the middle, he closed, gave an another piece of paper on that what about This book, how it is famous, how many languages, who was herr L.R.Hubbard etc, and said read this.I did it. He asked
S-Did you read it?
T-Yes...
S-Here is the description of the mind
T-But from the mind
S-Yes
T-Ok, let me too say something, as we met here, you explained this, I explain my "perception". I said about just breathing, and self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application in concise. This is how to being able to stop the mind totally.
S-And what is that we can help you in this?
T-I dont know, actually nothing.
S-And why did you came than?
T-Well, I wanted to know what are you doing here, what in do you busy here with people.
S-Read this book, oh unfortunately our video room is just getting soon ready, I could show something to you, but not yet...but you should read the book, buy it...
T-My problem with that is not me, it is separated from me, so still keeps me in separation in the mind as mind, and I stop it entirelly.
S-So, okay, thank you.
T-Thank you very much too.

(so was about like that and interesting, as I just breath and wrote that now, maybe where I was not in moment, I do not remember quite well..maybe those were specific but anyway was cool to see my mind and me and the whole )
thanks tala

The real truth about you, who still stuck in mind

Bernard Poolman - The Greatest World Teacher of our Time, G.W. Bush
Buddha - The end of the Soul and the Reincarnation
Jesus - I'm not coming on a cloud
Jesus - The forgiveness of Jesus
Jesus - The Guidelines of Forgiveness Part 1
Jesus - Responsibility
Bernard Poolman - How can Love exists?

Every single one of your thought, feeling, emotion does not means anything else that you are supporting this world, so in my eyes - you are just system robot. Yes. As you react you can see...
Like the agent in matrix for serving one rule: enslavement.
I was stuck on believing in light, look at my example, I was entrapped by conscious system and what it was for? For causing more separation, more shit. You do not need to believe, just wake up. There are beings who support you, just move your ass, please.
I say it in the name of the children, the forests, the ocean, the nature, the planets, the animals, in all. Inside you there is a being who is totally lost and trapped, this is used for energysource for that system what you believe who you are actually, but not! You are identified yourself with this picture program which is in a bigger picture program. And you say this is absurd, this is stupid, but I say You are one and equal with me and I see the mind is the worst terrible trap EVER in the whole universe, and you are just not want to listen? I, as you say: forget all about what you believed before, because this is really really just not true, we are not this. We are who are entrapped and lost inside this body by the mind what overgrowned on you, thank you.
Look: all masters, enlightened ones, gods, angels just served one: deception. You are deception.
I am also in the mind, but now as I say my truth: i give away everything in my life, all that I wanted, ALL that I believed, All I hoped, because was not true.
I can see trough you, you are preprogrammed robots, trapped, lost, totally hopelessly dependant in your system as what you always ment to be, always had been designed, what you have became: a slave. A lifeless slave what is just a part of an equated polarity manifestation of this zoo. This reality, this planet. I fed off from you, from your lieness, from your kind, smiling peacefulness. Fuck peace. Fuck war. Fuck everything. This world is going to end. And I am not shy, I am not scared, I am not your slave. I am me Talamon without fear from the system, from the government, from the police, from family, from friends, from money from illnesses from dying.
I wont let me dying because I came for unify men as me as one.
And do not tell me, I have problem, I should fuck because until now I fucked.
Ok I am absolute honest totally: I fuck with you as me as I fucked me before, now I fuck with you.
I am not satisfied and I am seriously not in polarity, not in agression but me as me.

I fuck god I fuck religion I fuck spiritualism I fuck the fuck itself.
You like it?
Only way to stop is the stop all. STOP EVERYTHING. Yes, Stop you.
You are the mind, you are not life, and I can see trough. I can not feel compassion with systems. And you are system. Look what you have became, look what we are. I darely speak to you:
Realise that everything what you now call "you" is just preprogrammed system.
Yes. Music, art, peace, war, money, smile, happiness?
What you keeping on?
My suggestion: take a piece paper and write down what do you call YOU.
Definie you extensively, shortly, on long way, write it down and realise: this is the mind and do self-forgiveness to release that shit because it is not you. Some has to die to realise that, some not.
Which one you are? You believe? You hope? In what? God? Light? Cant you see trough your nose? Profecies? 2012? It was a lie, preprogrammed shit to allow you to procrastinate: to sit, to wait, to wait for the fried dove into your hands. There is no god, there is no anything else only nature, animal kingdom, the planets, stars and you know what: they are standing as one as equal and looking straight onto human beings and assisting them to wake up. Yes. There are who realised oh fuck, no more heaven, no more separation, no more saying "I am god, I wait, I have done, I am enlightened, I am me in bubble". This is still consciousness, illusion.
And you think by light, mantras, tantras, hope, prayer will be saved?
The prayer posture means: I hold my hands front of me to hold my system, protect my belief system, to respect "enlightened one" systems..pray and knee, prostrate, and be servant, as you were always, or choose to throw away everything and release yourself who really you are as the breath as life as one as equal with you, with everything.
Everything is aware, the phone, the condom, the money, the animals, the trees, the weapons. And everything now is waking up. Do you? What are you?
Sex system demon? Meditation system demon? Fear of loss system demon? As you can see, theese demons also fed up with this, and stopping. Do you?
If hitler (Desteni: Hitler inteviews, Hitler's articles, Bernard: About Hitler)could return to his innocence trough self-forgiveness, could you? I write this as you as me as one as equal.
You still think you are helping in this by serving masters, blind ones who are the servants of systems?

Thanks

Where should I start?

Hmm...I started with when I was alone, I said that

"I do not allow anything less than who I am"

Why? Because until now I allowed, and now I see the consequences of it..Enough!

I do say this too:
"I am life as the breath"
I am stating that I choose life, not a predefinied, preprogrammed action-reaction show. Being the slave of little games I could never get free from that fact those define, bound me....until I should decide, at any price, I face with them all, because I am life, over trough on every lie, no matter how I do not know what is going on, however is scary, I face with that, because this is my only chance, absolute honesty, to open up why do I what I do.

"I am a unified man already" - because this contains that one and equal, contains that I am like this, but I have to realise. Not negative, not positive, not neutral, trough theese I had experienced me until now, why should I experience myself like all of this as one as equal? With this, possible to work, not holding the past, not hoping on future, just here and now all of this containing trough breathing.

I breathe, I watch the breath, this is what I am, who watch the breath, who is the breath. This means I breath. The car is also breathes, but that is not life. The computer chooses, but is not life.
So that robot what breathes and chooses, is that life? Haha it is called human. But what drives that, what is the imprint the robot: that is me. The life, which is the slave of a decision, what it did, and now here is the decision, that by the breath to realise this, or chooses like that: it will formed...this means only one: timeloop. Later. Looks like a choose, a decision, because I decide that I still do not want to be life without condition, but this means only one that I am not ready for that. To do that decision that inevitable: life or still hiding
life or still pushing away the responsibility
life or still participating in that by conscious or unconsciously supporting that what is going in this sick system.

So i say this is the begining: the decision, to see that: my mind is mixing the shit, and this is just an excuse for pulling me out from responsibility about I still do not want to know, I do not want to see.
You will see..if you want: like that, as you want to want to see
or if you do not want: you will see trough "you doing not want to see" too...
And this is important. Because it is you are. The choose. Life or robot. Simple. No middleway, that is robot.

What do I mean robot? Preprogammed consciousfield, what shoots into you that you have definied in the mind, as the mind, the pictures, what you choosed to hide, dog knows why. But you could know. You can go into the inner core of your being, but you have to choose to do it.
The absolute statement needs for this, like I hit with the whip inside me that "hey tala, tala talataltaltaltaltaltlaataltaltalataltala, all tala I would have you know that all tala, you know that I facing with you all, because I am lie, you are compelling me to lie, and got tired of that, enough, STOP!"

This is the first point, as far much is strong-willed, as will be straight the "proces".

The process of that I am self-realiseation, not the slideshow, what I do now, but who hided behind of this, to dare scratch out, to dare release, express, stabilize: not allowing waving, disturbed by impressionability

To be honest to me, because others around me see me, know me, but as the picture, what I hided behind...this is why the relations are for, friendship, for meeting in their self-dishonesy, to giving right for staying in that, even keeping the other in that.

"I trust you", "I believe what he say", and "I entrust me on him/her/it" - theese are also dishonest escaping from that what I am, by that picture, what behind I hided, someone likes that (because he/she is in similar situation of self-dishonesty) and says "hey, I like your dishonesty, it is similar than mine, come let's stand together, for being more stable in that, and like that we do not have to face with ourselves, come!"

Every relationship is like that, everything serves that.
I do not say the relationship, the word itself is not good, rather than what we use for, who are using it and how is being used, that is very sick.
Why do I need he/she? Why do I need always somebody? Why do I can not live without him/her?
I need that, because supports me in my self-dishonesty. I always need somebody, because like that I never have to face with me, what I have became, with that Who I am. Why can not live without him/her? Because the lie, what I have became, what I became one with, --I BELIEVED - that I can not live without that. This is like that. The lie can live only like that. This is why we are not unified, this is the truth. Because we are lie.

I could live in relationship, if I could be totally honest: buy I have never seen like that...but than it comes up: i do not want sex, I do not want to be dependant of her, I do not want that she being dependant of me, I do not want that being in relationship only with me...than why? Suspicious, very suspicious why do we want somebody, why.

And what is very hard to understand, HAVE TO: the sex is one of the main force of the enslavement here on earth, the unequal assignment, equivalent with money. Why do you want sex? For the mind conscious system, what you have became, could exchange information? For enjoying a "joy" like that? For connecting totally with the other mind conscious system, literally like 2 systems, for patching the other's self-dishonesty.
Why needs family, marriage? For legitimating that, for keeping in the people like that, because when you are married, and some years pass, oh fuck I am in this, what to do? Trap trap trap.
For not waking up, for "learning some from that" for still hiding, for making child and saying "my child, yes he/she will instead of me" fuck personal shit trap trap trap BE HONEST!
Or marriing with that person to be sure I do not have to find another, because of the fear, and be sure, I do not have to fear all of day about maybe, maybe he/she will leave me...but if the child will come, this statement of self-dishonesties will stable by LAW by paper by RING by fuck by posession by reason of children...
And "no there are nice families" haha trap trap trap
They go home and door close, and intim...
and parents are quite cool front of the children, and one more layer, bedroom, bed, layers of self-dishonesty,
For me it is easy to quit, but for some(personaly enslavement one by one) says that's impossible.
I do say IT IS the question of CHOOSE AND HONESTY...the personal freedom is waiting, there is the door, always, for poor, for rich, we are equal.