Tiny winy

Writing down the standing up. I push myself to be direct without writing some page of bullshit first and then getting to the point. Here is the point:

Discipline - Motivation - Principle


I insert these into moments - what this means practically?

Discipline - I discipline myself to remain always here as physical - no thoughts

Motivation - responsibility - if I do not experience directly my influence to the world - that does not mean that everything is all right - I have to stop to be able to see the current situation of earth directly for myself - as myself.

Principle - Oneness and equality - as all as one as equal as life - this explains everything - this principle if I push myself - first I can see trough my bubbles and then I can push myself trough them and when here is no bubble - then I realize the truth - that this is not a choice but this is who I am.

I had a dream at night and somehow it was CHOICE related and I went trough multiple processes and the choice in itself as a meaning - was not here anymore -- choice does not exists - only temporally purpose what makes the dishonest be able to believe that actually this is life - in fact - absolutely not -- what life is what is leaving behind the poor who are dieing from hunger?

My tendency is to absolutely focus on what I do - easily can become a some sort of obsession - as energetically I am pushing every part of my intent into it - an entity is being built up and this entity is like a steamtrain - a huge and heavy space vessel - what forms gravity and even I was wondered about after a point, it can be referred as an instance of evil. Indeed - a simple practice of self-will easily can become a so strong self interested systematic consciousness movement - so then I am becoming smaller that what I created - it is like a mechanic - I build a huge machine and then I start it and it can not be stopped, only when it is overloading and simply explodes or something like that.
I referred it to be evil because self interest can be defined as evil - because then I do not care, I am not opened, I am not momentary expression as breath - because of the fear that without this strong mind-fist -- I cannot reach what I desire.

So - I assume that I do not trust within my self-will enough, so I use energy to be ensured that I get what I want. It is like a ceremony - some kind of ritual with mind - to summon energy.
Also this point as being opened revealed: desire, doubt, fear.

I fear that without desire - I lost my motivation? - so did I define myself according to my desires? According to my fears? What if all was wrong? Of course. I resonated with my parents and all beings around me - I became the others literally - father, mother, grandpa, grandma - If i look these beings - I should be aware the self-contamination by and as them - what I allowed, I managed and I defined myself as this - so I can stop it - as simply as I move and breath -and forgive and release and live. So let be the motivation is the placement of disciplined principle as all as one as equal.


After these words - what I can find within myself related to these issues?

My desires? My intents? My plans?
Let's start from down to up from the perspective of living within this system. No, it's not a maslow-pyramide but the idea what I use-is similar to it.

1 - I work at the office. One of the biggest international multi-broadcasting-media corporation on earth. As long I go to work - it supplies me money. Some more than 1200euros per month. Not much but here it is enough to have the basic and be able to spend some for what I am interested in.
I never worked so much before than here. I wanted to prove that I can work good - it occured. My boss tells me every month. One and half year - I can say - it is stable stuff in my life. Never was. Before I was doing jobs for some months - and I was so fucking high almost every night so everything was fuzzy and I was in the tornado. But now as I am sober - something changes. I am becoming the tornado. Sometimes it's still dizzy - I am falling even sometimes for loong-loong hours - but I am sure that this works. Some months ago I started to wonder about how long I gonna stay here. In fact around winter(4-5 months later) I want to go. I plan to visit SA if it's possible and then do this kind of job a bit furthermore - but not in Hungary -- rather in a place where I can get 10 times more money - not for greed. But for being able to direct the situations - yes with money as well. Responsibility. No escape anymore.

2- my tiny winy studio - Very soon it will be ready - I mean on a semi-professtional way - to compose, make, produce music - whatever I want. Already several projects are in the air but I have to push myself and make them into real songs.
This is what I wanted since I took those acid blotters - I experience much-much music-related things I want to express - so I will.
Quite an invest - and it can be neverending - there will be always a new card/synth/audio system/effect/mic etc what can be a new aim to have it -- so I will freeze this once I will start to make the music.
In fact I feel - while I work at the office - I do not have enough time to make music. But I have question this because I wrote 'I feel' - feelings can be deceiving - as self-programming.

3-Girl. Undoubtable that I want a girl - not only for having sex but for self-assistance - self-reflection, self-facing. Much issues are programmed within me since from childhood - and then the previous relationships with several girls - many transcendence points are available. Main ones are: desire, jealousy, fear.
If I open these up more - I want a beautiful woman who can fullfill me - typical UCF program shit - I am forgiving as I met with GY - but some points are still hidden.
I have to be aware to not desire relationship - and she pulls back almost always when I push this area - or even when I tend to kiss long and with those kind of touches - she jush pulls up a wall and says it is too much. And I say - it is not enough and I feel separation. And she says - this kind of 'relationship' between us is just perfect and I say one day I will give up this intent and then this will be finished. She already started to worry about then I will not see her - so I smell the mindfuck - I have to act - when we meet - immediately - before I still allow some shit to manifest. Actually I have no idea what would be the best for her and me and for all...
From one side - I am aware that I support her - in stability in self trust in self-enjoyment, she supports me within opening myself up, bringing things here from past to be able to face and many times supportting just be me who I am without concepts - innocence. And then when I 'speak too much' - all can fall - and I simply want her and our thin intimate touch becomes thick and I am almost 'forced' or 'compelled' to want to have her totally entirelly and wanting to have sex and push the limitations and definitions away...
Because I've defined sex as an ultimate way to dissolve walls between me and a girl - and a way when we literally can exchange our point of view, not only for minutes but for real. So in sex - I felt like we are really giving and receiving -- of couse it can be a mindfuck as the mind consciousness systems are stabilizing each other as a one system - but in fact if self-assistance is here -- it can be assisting.

So it is interesting - but what makes me dizzy within this - that I can not trust in her - as she does not show all her sides - I even do not trust in her when she just says 'I'll be back in a minute' - because there is a chance that she gets something interesting or intense impression and only after hours comes back - or goes into a party and then said - she was kissing with multiple boys and then she regrets it a little - but I am even not sure that she is really regreting it at all:)
Of course this brings out what do I want from her and how much and: WHY?

If I use common sense - I can say - she is not able to stand one and equal at this moment - but as I am here - she is here - I do not separate her from me - and when I say this - I mean it -- and in this moment I realize: what things I do not like in her - is exactly what I am like!!!
I can not trusted, I am not stable and I am being directed by outer impressions.
But this means that she could be also jealous and when I was seeing the firefly series and at the end the girl was crying when the guy was having sex with an other girl - the first thought was also: I can try what she would react if I would be with an other girl -- so this is also a typical mindfuck situation what many humans do on earth and mixing shit more up - dishonesty, dishonesty.

So I meant to these kind of stuffs what she can bring up from me - and I do not want to manipulate her - because this manipulation should go on emotional and intellectual level - and I do not want this -- so it is like a situation what is really temporally and quite intense yet as long as I am self-honest and I even express it towards her as well and stabilizing it for myself and scripting up and forgiving myself immediately -- it is assisting.

Also when I wont be able to be self-directive within self-honesty - probably the whole thing will fall - so this is not an option.
First of all - she wanted to live in Firenze from september - but she stayed.
She said she wants this to be not a relationship but also not 'just' a relationship.

My tendency is to not being satisified with middle-ways -- the poles within me can be very-very sharp -- do something with full power -- or do not do it at all...

Also from the point of self-interest-- I feel sometimes that she is of it -- but I can not stop reflecting it back to me - so probably when I realize this - I am realizing it about me - about how much I define myself and my interest about her and in fact about the 'possible things what we could do together' - what are of preprogrammed dreams mostly.


Hmm what else?
Desteni SRA training -- I manage to participate within it -- I am aware of it is the most effective way to stabilize and embrace and unify self -- and also I have to move my ass to SA to be with these guys.
Because in the begining of desteni assistance with me - I wanted to ask so much - but with chatting with dimensions - they always said to me - Tala - you will find out.
So this made me reminded that I am alone - I have to it for myself as myself.
But it can be also too much when I remind myself too much for this - because then I am remaining the same as I was - alone in the desert and fighting against the sandstorm instead of being practical.
Do I need assistance? I mean I am not bleeding - but this sexual desire sometimes is getting so intense - because I suppressed it, because I still deny my sexual expression, because I tend to handle my human physical body as a machine...

And all of it was, because I've separated myself from my breath. I am breathing I am here - I could not separate myself from my breath - only I am not aware of I am breath.

Ok then many points became visible - some: again - some firstly being written.
Self forgiveness is required.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted to stand up unconditionally in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define standup conditionally - instead of realizing that I stand up - is not of condition - is about who I am and who I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself and for others as me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define discipline as a separated definition from me - to define discipline as conditional - as something what helps me to get what I want - instead of realizing that discipline I am as expression as inner silence - do I dare myself to express as discipline as self-presence within and as myself or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live by a principle - as I never was able to define myself according to a principle - until I realized the simplicity and the truth of the discipline of oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what principle would mean and define those who are living by principle as followers, believers.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I judge somebody based on a word - I am judging my own definitions towards to these specific words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with what I am doing - by believing that compounding energies and using it would be the way to make it done - instead of being here as breath as inner silence without ANY judgement, purpose, trusting me and expressing me who I am already.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop when I realize - I am compounding energy and this energy will determine my expression - will influence my perception - will be me until it vanishes.
I forgive myself that I have not dared myself to realize - that I am deceiving myself when I have a 'tiny aware moment' about I am actually of mind - and then I say - "Let's go further to see what this manifests and then I will learn from it" - instead of not going into the same self-made self-delusional traps every day by hoping that one day automatically I will fed up with my programmed self-accepted behaviour.

I forgive myself to fear to stating out that self-interest is evil - because then I would be called as nazi as I am seeing only black or white -- instead of realizing that then I would reveal to myself that I am defining myself according to others - I am defending myself as personality - therefore I stop concerning and fearing to express who I am at the moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up for myself and for all when I realized the mistakes I've done - mistakes from the perspective that I already knew what will happen but I was compelled to do so because the self-interest I did not give up - and by this only proving that I did not realized who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that realizing would mean only finding out how it works - instead of being aware that realization means practical solution - not only information about how it should be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that following intuitions will help me practically - instead of trusting me here as expression here.

I forgive myself that I have defined myself according to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here when I am writing this self forgiveness - by following jumping in memory and thinking about that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when Gy would call me and then before it would compound - I change the 'subject' of my focus and by continous jumping - I am not aware of the self-dishonesty and the fact that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as I am my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to define myself according to my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in any way whatsoever - and revealing that I am not experiencing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to myself that I am alone - instead of realizing that every single being is alone within their individual processes - I have to standup for myself as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what would happen when I would leave my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my workplace.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the things what I have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to musical instruments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would loose the things what I've collected with hard work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my work as hard - instead of being able to let it to be as it is without definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a desire instead of acting immediately - regarding to making music - because the desire is an excuse to not express myself as music - because then the desire is what I am using as separation to realize what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire woman instead of realizing that what I desire for is here - the presence of me as the totality of me - what I've defined is the woman is what will fulfill me but this is not true.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to find a girl to have sex with within an agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hard to not having sex for long time because then I would have these experiences within my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energetic experience of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that if I am with a girl and if I can not have sex with her then this is not enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as an ultimate way to be able to be together and without it defining it as shallowness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fing a way when I am indirectly within a situation when I would have sex with a girl who I defined previously as exciting.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the act of desiring - by thoughts and emotions and feelings - as energy - I am responsible for the experienced and manifested separation from what I do not experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that when I discipline myself then I will get sexual experience as a gift. lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use asexuality as energy and then defining it as me - instead of realizing that suppressing is not who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would have problems if I would not have sex for a long time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kiss girls because of the energetic experience of kissing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to direct myself within a situation when I decided to discipline myself to not having sex and meanwhile I am being under temptation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to expose my experience within myself towards girls because then they would turn over from me - instead of realizing that within this: I fear from myself - I fear from facing from m - this is unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate situations and girls within it to be able to have hugging-kissing-sex becase of my self-interest about having the experience of joy and entertainment and bliss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as joy - instead of realizing that I am joy here as self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as bliss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as entertainment.

re late I on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against tiredness instead of realizing the the why and how do I participate within energy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am of tiredness if I am not here as breath but I participate within and as thoughts and the breath become sloppy, insignificant, shallow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer thinking instead of being here as breath as moment as expression.

I was on a psychedelic trance festival with Gy in the nature almost for a week.
After the rainbow gathering - we only met about three times for some hours.
I am not going into the storyline details as it is irrevelant from the perspective of self-honesty and self-intimacy and self-forgiveness -- instead I write about this week what brough up within myself.

The whole concept of desire and relationship issue I wanted to push until I am here as silence as moment.
After the rainbow gathering, as we kind of liked each other - I felt some desire and gravity towards her - it was quite a big deal as since years I did not allowed myself to do so - I was sure that it is mindfuck and absolutely avoidable -- but in fact the solution is to not avoid but face and realize and embrace and stop - the solution is not to deny but open myself -- the solution is not fight but open myself and be self-honest an stand as all as one as equal.

So I wrote and said some self-forgiveness related to the desire about her and the idea of 'relationship'.
The very manifestation of the participation of desire is what separates me from her - so it is common sense to stop desire to give the chance to actually experience what is here as she as me as one as equal.
So it was quite stable, however several movements occured within myself, and of course I was waiting for the festival - because since one and half year - I did not have any holiday from the company so long as one full week and barely I fed up of computers, desks, the traffic, city etc.
I wanted to just breath, to live, to dance and eating foods with olive oil and of course be with her to see what will happen. So I did.

I can not say it is agreement, but it was definetaly not a relationship.
Both of us strongly want to avoid the occurence of a relationship, and I am not sure about this will work for a long time but one thing is sure at this moment - somehow she has more responsibility about how intimate it could go 'forward' - because she simply can say 'it is too much, stop it' - when I speak or touch 'intensely' - so it is strange but somehow brings out quite much from the past so I can work with that.

I am not going to write about how I see her - as I am not sure about it - as I have perceptions and still some expectations what can blur my view about how and who she is.

But I see that she is so stark about what reality and her life is -- so any question about her life or any comment can bring her to a state where she simply reacts by book.

At this cases when common sense I can share - I do, no matter what will happen - otherwise I prefer to say nothing and it is quite assisting. I mean to see that sometimes it is better not to say anything.
Any form of desteni phrases she feels like something dark she perceives or simply states out that these are of the buddhist teachings so laughs can occur within this situations by me.
I use the situations to reveal myself about how I define myself according to relationship, how I move along and towards to the desire and to see how I am able to move regarding to my previously accepted behaviour by personality manifestations such as manipulation in order to get what I want or fight against what is already here or simply when I experience something what I desired already and it is already manifested and actually here.

Also I spoke to her about what agreement could be, and what would mean to be innocent and what I am doing actually - self intimacy, self forgiveness, self honesty etc...

I started to explore also the point about why do I move towards her - about what attract me to her - how I can experience myself regarding to her - in other words - what I miss within myself and I defined to be able to experience/have when I am with her.

I found that these points are what I have separated myself from myself by projecting these onto girls, so then I want to be with this girl for instance to experience what I "separated from"/"miss from" myself - for instance innocence, beauty, elegancy, harmony etc.
I also told to her that I am 'using' her according to find out what I experience with her and actually not when I am not with her.
I am aware of I can make mistakes and even I do so - but there is no way out from this at this moment so I have to take the responsibility and act.

I said to her also that I can not trust in her absolutely because I am responsible for myself and also until she does not prove that she stands with me one and equal - then I am not really able to trust within her -- of course this would mean that I am not opening myself absolutely, easily, and immediately to her - but at this moment this is what is here, so I am directing the situation and see what will happen and not worry.

I realized that I am facing the consequences of the past - what and how I defined - determined my reality - so I am within and as it -- as the desire for this girl - as the definition of the beauty and the innocence and the relationship -- brought these events right into my face and the refractions move me and who I am within consciousness system: reveals unconditionally.

Interesting to see when she brings up the spiritual agenda as she is doing these stuffs of tibetian mantras/meditations and energy worshippings. When I see inner reactions - I tend to see how and why I react. When I remain silent - I watch that 'am I suppressing?'. When I express towards her - I see - it is who I really am or I am reacting as a system of information?

In fact we can enjoy ourselves quite well together and many things we can do and it is fascinating. We enjoyed so much to dance together, it was very very enjoyable.
At this 'druggy' festival - we did not take any drugs -- se tasted some short drinks and wine several times but not much -- and we enjoyed this and danced so much, so then people gathered around us and wondered what we took and we just had fun etc etc...
She also realized that for a good dance - the extasy/MDMA is not necessary, even without that it is more cool, because if I am on a drug, I am of it, as it - but without that drug - I can be anything and any kind without being 'tripped' of any kind of 'limited' stuff. This she enjoyed so much, laughed and jumped a lot.

Sometimes she reminds me to not to be crampy or rigid - and in the next minute she gets the same back from somebody else.

I like how she tries to stand up for the situation of the earth and for the planet but many of it are of opinions and she works for Greenpeace and she is of it
yet I still feel this as of separation, like a part of a small society within The society.

I prefer to stand alone as all as one as equal - she disagrees - she prefers to be buddhist and of societies and do that way and not to worry about how to release the inner shit.

I say it is personal responsibility to find practical solution to stop the mind - by practical self-honesty and self-forgiveness. She mostly laughes on this and I say "do not judge it until you do not try".

Sometimes I like to use the spiritual context what she knows to explain something of the situations - but I have to be aware of she is not experiencing these but mostly having a knowledge and some peaks of experiences what formed strong self-definitions about it.

I promised to myself to not manipulate her by words and deeds in order to boost her emotional experiences to build desire within her towards me. This is very important - however it is quite ingrained within myself, so sometimes I see this only when manifested - so self forgiveness is required immediately.

I said to her that we could make music and films together if we want and she said she could - I do not believe that she would - even when she would like -- this would need focus and discipline what she does not want to push -- only 'flowing around' and sometimes doing something.

In the last 2 months she explored to kissing with multiple boys and I said to her this is a kind of responsible thing because many boys will build a desire after her and they will suffer -- then she had guilt and I said that anyway, the boys will reveal for themselves as desire and I said that she should embrace and support beings and not to fuck with their mind. She strongly avoids sexual context - however she desires it so much, even within words she sometimes expresses it - much suppression I sensed...

However when we played together in the tent - she liked these things quite much and after intense moments once she said 'it was a mistake' - and then she brought up my sex demon easily.
Regarding to this - I could watch myself within situations when she is with other beings who tend to be attracted towards her and how do I react. Mostly I 'use' this to see how they move towards her - to see how do I also...

Self forgiveness assist me to stabilize and release. This is the most practical tool what I ever had.

The sex=desire system demon manifestation of me revealed already several times while I was on this festival with her. Interesting - it is related to the energy/orgasm.
I want to describe the system manifestation how it feels physically, because quite related to the mind consciousness system as who I became.

I feel cold, more and more and then I am freezing extremely.
There is a pain on the tip of my penis and it is like an energetic wire from it within my spine and prickling and buzzing my whole trunk and it is very unpleasant.
Also my ass feels very unpleasant, my face becomes more white and I am having a kind of sad face.
This experience sometimes less intense, but sometimes it is so strong that I am unable to follow the events around me and then I simply prefer to lie down to the ground and just breath. Fascinating to see that when it starts - even I could define as 'pleasure', as these energy systems move within myself - but I became aware that what is this actually - and when it compounds without release -- becomind more physical, more direct, more intense.

On this extent level it happened two times at the festival. Once when I gave oral pleasure to her and after we were hugging and kissing and then she simply said 'it was a mistake to do this, to go further until this point' and then she just showed her back to me and went to sleep and I felt myself quite rejected and this intense energetic compound experience took place and it lasted for a quite long time and I did not act immediately and I did not have any water to drink so I tried to eat some wet vegetables but did not helped really, so there was no escape, as outside of the tent it was strongly raining - I could not sleep for long time and she was sleeping and I was in this pain for hours until it became less intense and then I was able to sleep some hours.
After one or two days we were in the chillout tent and we were dancing and there were some kisses on a slow music when this energy 'charging' somehow intensified to an extent when I felt very-very tired and started to have cold and even the pain came slowly - so I said to her that I lie down for a while at the edge of the tent(hundreds of people were in the tent, at the edges, people were sitting-laid) - so I did, and breathed, said some self-forgiveness, related to desire and energy, and it became less intense - also I drunk very much water, as I realized it assists me.
Somehow it is related to orgasm and energy compounding-lifting-releasing.

I assume that the mind consciousness system is crying strongly for orgasm to have charge out and release - but nothing happens like that - yet the energy is still going on so the system demon is slowly but surely physically manifests as my accepted and allowed nature.

So in the tent, I was able to direct quite a bit, so after a while I could manage a tiny-winy relax/nap, and then the whole stuff became less and less intense until disappeared.

I am aware of the practical embracing of the system manifestation as being inner silent and allowing the system demon to reveal and showing that this is who I am, come join me and be one and equal - I directed myself as this, however I experienced that the system demon not stopped being within and as me, only drawed back.
But more and more experiences occur - it assists me, to realize: the stupidity to build up energetic desire, to not release and act immediately and to find out the practical solution to embrace my separated system manifestation to unify me as inner silence by realizing and stopping the dishonesty.

Next day I also told her about this so we agreed to not having this kind of sexual plays for a while to support each other - and we agreed to pull back a little from our intimacy. Factinating. Of course there were some moments when I felt myself again: rejected but there was a presence within me what realized the why.

So then a bit I was pissed when she did not want to take shower together - as on the previous day we did it and washed each other - also many people did the same, we had to wait about a half a hour to do so, anyway for some minutes I preferred to be like serious and after the shower I left her and went back to tent to eat and say some self-forgiveness and simply going to sleep. After that I went back to the stage to find her and take food and some practical things to her, and also met with the others.

Then I preferred to dance alone for a while but when the main performer came -called Hallucinogen- she seeked me and we danced together - this dance we were planning together since years, and now it happens day by day - as the last night and it was awesome, regardless the music - so then at this day we did it - danced for hours together.
After this, our apparent 'closeness' a bit restored and I was quite stable.
I was aware that how I allow myself to be unstable related to her and the solution is simple - breath - and if it is too intense(the instability of my presence) - then I say to her that this is happening and I simply walk away for a while - or to see how I participate unstableness and what goes inside of me - and why -- and then simply stop. Breathe - be here, presence, direct expression, act immediately.

I was quite unsatisfied about I am not able to express myself within an agreement, but in fact nothing I can expect, everything I have to do myself - and at this moment this is what I am capable of, and I trust myself about this, even when something with I can burn myself.

After the festival probably we will meet quite rarely, because she is very busy with musesums, concerts, courses, travels, and I am not asking her all the time to meet.

Already we agreed to to many-many things together, and she is quite fragile - she took me to her home and it was funny to see that how she is just like the other beings, with habbits, personalities - and how I did not perceive these in the begining, as something foggy I experienced - and now I see her more clearly.
Next day she fell off from bike and hurt herself and cried a lot - after that she decided to not fuck with boy's mind about some 'innocent' kisses so told this to her friends also and for me too - of course I said 'do you compare me with other' shit like that but in the end there were some sort kisses and big hugs.

Probably when we will meet - I will offer her a possibility to an agreement and see how she reacts - and to see how do I react. As she previously planned to move to Firenze but decided to stay.
In fact what bothers me that we can not count to each other 100% - this makes the whole bidirectional support to quite an unstable way - however maybe I expect too much from her.
Also probably I desire to have sex with her - why?
Because within sex we would reveal to each other unfolded, without any social layer etc.
Because to see how she and me would change after this sexual experience related to each other.
Because then I would have somebody to count on as one as equal to unreveal my dishonesties related to this specific desire for sex.

But in fact until we do not stand as agreed on to be one and equal - maybe it is preferred to not make 'love' like that.

What makes me quite stable - that I am aware of that I can forgive and release her in any moment - or if not then quite soon - so even when it would go on a way what would be not supportive to us anymore - I remain who I am - as life as all as one as equal.

I was also considering to explore what would be an agreement with a girl who I do not defined previously as gorgeous - as Gy I did - but in fact this is very related to the whole concept of my self-defined entity of relationship/self-definition.
Even some older guys told me that this girl is a problem, only mixes shit around me, but it is already a shitty situation what I manifested, so let's bring up everything right here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself unfullfilled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself unsatisfied.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have somebody to fullfill me in order to to experience the separation within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what is directly here but to see what I want to see by my self-defined desires, dishonesties, thoughts, emotions, feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself - instead of realizing that if I am going to a fight - I will loose it - because I am fighting because I already defined that what I am fighting with - as stronger -- this is the self-defined self-separation manifestation as polarity within and as myself until I stop.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fight against my desires - I suppress it and when events start to occur and pull and direct me - I resist - I struggle - instead of simply standing here and release and stop and realize the dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself according to pictures of this world.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Gy as beautiful, gorgeous - not realizing that the very definition is of separation - as I am placing the mind between her and me - so direct experience is not real - only from and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as fullfilling desires and support - instead of realizing that any definition is of separation - not equal and one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate when something I experience inside of myself - but as what I accept - I am of it as it - so ACT IMMEDIATELY.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate Gy in order to have a kiss or make her to kind with me - instead of realizing that what I do with her - is like what I do with me - if manipulation is here - I am not directly here as self-expression -- so it is required to stop.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why do I manipulate beings instead of direct the situation as me as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex to be able to release the emotional/energetic compound of dishonesty within me what I built up by thoughts/feelings/emotions by participating within pictures and ideas and perceptions of past dishonesties what I still define myself as until I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound sexual demon manifestation within me to a certain extent that it is even causing pain and influencing me - revealing me to me as one as equal to be able to realize and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being able to bear and accept to be rejected - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somebody who does not like to be rejected.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to 'trying to get a girl' because of the fear of being rejected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid situations when I would 'fail' - because then I would reveal to myself that I define myself according to my experiences and if I would experience 'failure' or 'being rejected' - I would identify myself with the event and then I would be a 'failure' -I delete this association as it of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining alone - because then I would face with who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to face with myself directly - instead of realizing that the desire makes me busy instead of stopping to desire and simply explore what is here as me as one as equal directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with Gy because then I would inluence her and maybe she would realize the principle of oneness and equality - instead of realizing that this can not be 'given' only be realized by self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I do have sexual intercouse with a girl - then my mind information system would go into her mind consciousness system so by this way I could 'infiltrate her mind' to be able to assist her and also to be able to stabilize an agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to persuade somebody instead of realizing that I am here and I am expressing myself and I am self-honest - this is who I am as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am very good within sex instead of realizing that this is of definition and separation instead of being here as inner silent as breath and express myself directly as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have an orgasm because then my energetic compound would be released without the need to change and stop thinking/worshipping to pictures/desires/ideas.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be locked into a relationship-bubble with a girl so then we would enjoy ourselves while the whole world is a big mess. All bubbles burst.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning as thoughts instead of waking up in the morning as moment as me as breath as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about Gy when she is not here - instead of realizing that by this I am building up an energetic compound within me what is absolutely unrelated with the physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to concern about I am not moving as much as I am capable of - I am here, I move, I express.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic experience of sex/masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the idea of worshipping with relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with women/relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the idea of agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with Gy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to Gy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by Gy because then my self-built-up self-definition system would dispose and I would be nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand alone as all as one as equal because of the intensity and the size of the responsibility -- instead of realizing that the intensity I am and the responsibility: I am - one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to take responsibility for the world as all as one as equal because I was aware of my self dishonesties so within this 'standing' I would prefer to not trust in me because I was aware that I would fuck up this responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myselt to act in every moment as responsible for all as one as equal as life.

I stop react to pictures - I stop react to sounds by definition. I stop arouse myself with pictures and sounds. I stop delude myself with Gy, I stop define myself according to anything.

a point written

How to begin something is just how to release it?
why to define end? for grip... to rebegin?

I mean it

I reveal me to me and I see no choice - choice as the manifested dishonesty as illusion.
Every moment I push myself and I reveal to me about in what situations and how and when I do not push myself...
It is to be specific - as the desire and fear are not really explaining the current location.

It's kind of I let myself to be - and mostly I am exploring but without self-honesty - I seamlessly flow into personality design manifestation without even being aware of it -- or if yes - then I am noticing, and I allowing myself to go on - and then making some kind of promise - ok after this one, I wont do it again -- but by myself - as 'choice/decision' I really dont -- only when I let myself to be within this kind of 'flow' - and something triggers and the refactional self-definition system determines my expression...
Quite interesting - it's like I am within this movie, I am the character, and I KNOW that I am the director - and there is a scene - and me as the director I direct the character into the scene - as myself - accordingly.
Then the character moves on - as me - but in the next moment I am this character - I am not the director anymore - yet I 'KNOW' that I can be the director, and even I 'KNOW' that 'back there' I am the director - but in fact - I am being directed - by the mind.

So this separation unrevealed within and as me around these days - man, it's a serious deep loong shit -- you see - this is a personality manifestation fraction.

In fact when I direct me and I allow myself to be within the moment and walk - I do not push myself within and as each moment - and when the dishonesty reveals - a thought, an energetic flow alongside the backbone - or just a picture pops in for a 1/50 second -- then two can occur:
- I acknowledge it - and I say, shit, be focused, come on -- this is kind of when somebody has to push a wheelbarrow with full of wood on a rocky ground - and it wants to fall over or stuck - so I keep it on balance and push it forward..physically...
And when it becomes unstable - I am strengthening myself and pushing more - however maybe it would be more simple to see what is here and direct it on a less rocky way

R e v e a l

How to begin is just how to release?
why to define end? for grip... to rebegin?

I mean it

I reveal me to me and I see no choice - choice as the manifested dishonesty as illusion.
Every moment I push myself and I reveal to me about in what situations and how and when I do not push myself...
It is to be specific - as the desire and fear are not really explaining the current location.

It's kind of I let myself to be - and mostly I am exploring but without self-honesty - I seamlessly flow into personality design manifestation without even being aware of it -- or if yes - then I am noticing, and I allowing myself to go on - and then making some kind of promise - ok after this one, I wont do it again -- but by myself - as 'choice/decision' I really dont -- only when I let myself to be within this kind of 'flow' - and something triggers and the refactional self-definition system determines my expression...
Quite interesting - it's like I am within this movie, I am the character, and I KNOW that I am the director - and there is a scene - and me as the director I direct the character into the scene - as myself - accordingly.
Then the character moves on - as me - but in the next moment I am this character - I am not the director anymore - yet I 'KNOW' that I can be the director, and even I 'KNOW' that 'back there' I am the director - but in fact - I am being directed - by the mind.

So this separation unrevealed within and as me around these days - man, it's a serious deep loong shit -- you see - this is a personality manifestation fraction.

In fact when I direct me and I allow myself to be within the moment and walk - I do not push myself within and as each moment - and when the dishonesty reveals - a thought, an energetic flow alongside the backbone - or just a picture pops in for a 1/50 second -- then two can occur:
- I acknowledge it - and I say, shit, be focused, come on -- this is kind of when somebody has to push a wheelbarrow with full of wood on a rocky ground - and it wants to fall over or stuck - so I keep it on balance and push it forward..physically...
And when it becomes unstable - I am strengthening myself and pushing more - however maybe it would be more simple to see what is here and direct it on a less rocky way...

So what I am saying that I trust within the mind as me - because I trained the mind to simulate the being within the 'flow' of the moment.
But I am aware of it that it is limited - yet it can be promising - but never real for sure as stable - because it has it's conditions.
I experienced this on psychedelics as well...
I am not sure exactly what it is - probably within my self-programming - but it is some sort of balancing mechanism.
I am moving - I am move - and a splinter comes into my face and as I am moving - I am speeding up at the same time and this velocity reveals that I am not directly here - only for moments and kind of 'shooting myself to directions' - like a rocket - with the thursts and short and intense burtst I am moving.
And this is why I can direct situations and 'get what I want' and then after a while everyting just falls apart - because as I direct myself - then in the next moment I lay back and kind of 'waiting the fried dove into my mouth' - this is a saying here.

Interesting. I have to disengage the connections about all and everything what I got from spiritual agenda and then going back into childhood aboout how I designed myself according to this situation.

The next stuff what I became aware of is self-interest.
As Sunette explained the sex/masturbation self-revealing to self - facing self thing on the video about sex and agreement video - I realized one thing.
I have defined myself as this thundering energetic experience - and it is like I am sitting in an energetic bubble and I am enjoying that I am producing a lot of energy and then charging it out and meanwhile - I enjoy to produce energy - and I am enjoying to releasing energy. I mean what the fuck? Am I a fucking power plant? For what?
I am sure that I am more than this and the more is about to express my realization that here is more to express/explore than swirling my own limits and when it's too much then getting rid of the whole compound.

Because for sure - I can do what I want - but when I have not straight and stable want - I am fractioned and I am controlled by my own self-separated self-particles - and of course these are me - because this is why these can control me - so I became a systematic manifestation.

I have started to write about dictionary - I have all hungarian words so literally I go trough all words from A to Z and no matter how long it will be - I will write down associations and forgiving them by writing down and saying aloud - one and one...


So I can say I touched the rock bottom on the self-revealing of the desire for the ultimate orgasm - this is more than just 'spiritual' this is the very manifestation of deep fear/depression/desire triangle system what makes the energy being produced and then released before it really harms me. However there are some bugs so sometimes I experience the abuse - this is when I pull my head out and say - what the heck I am doing? Where am I? Where is my breath?
I could give panic or some kind of pain into it but this is the moment when I reveal to me so breath and embrace everything and be specific to place practical solution into perspective and then walk it.

Hm I was on the phone with Gy and it looks like I am releasing the concept of desire for relationship as this intense heavy emotional blockage within myself -- ok it is not that deep but if fear comes up or something does not goes as I desired -- it was revealed as myself quite intensely. And I remember for it when I was at the university - when I was 'in love' - real deep shit, I mean I lost myself and motivations and something just died within myself and thet everything was over and this guilty supressed anger and depression was compounding and I wanted to explode but I couldnt so I had to bear and 'live' with it...
On tuesday with Gy I go with her to this psytrance festival and I will dance. Cool music and sice one and half year - I was not 'far' from workplace so long than it will be: for one week - I wont sit the front of any computer.
Instead of sleeping in tent in the forest, walking on plains, eating with people and dancing juggling speaking, expressing myself.
As the rainbow it was - for 3 days as a transformation - maybe it would be similar - but here will be electric music and the people will be quite different - I mean mostly will be drugged and some of the most twisted eraserheads around europe will be here probably but it's fun.
And it's interesting to see how I am reacting to music, is still any drug-related wireing within my expression on the dancefloor or when I speak with people who are on acid etc.
Also with Gy - it is obvious that she is not aware of the possibility of an agreement, she is still quite obsessed with the spiritual agenda, so I gave up to 'be with her' - as I realized - we can not walk this together as one as equal right now - so I just will be who I am as the moment without any expectation and being able to reflect any reflections regarding to what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
This is not a choice to stand as all as one as equal.
This is not a decision to stand as all as one as equal as life.
This is who I am, this is who we are, this is what is here.
The most obvious self support would be to directly tell her what I experience and not to participate within any bubble - or if I do so - then simply ask her to burst it in a singular moment -- and she can - yet I do not accept myself to want and desire after a single body - lol.

I mean there were phases regarding to my desire systems...
There were the suppression times - and then when I was able to express with a girl - then the expression...
And then the trouble came as it was not real and I was bored of it - and I let it fall - and then I realized - the sexual desire is the core of it all - so I fought against it - and it became more and more strong as I fought more - and I won - and then I lost - so I was able to keep up the peace with the war - but it was a mess...
With taking acid and dope - I even masturbated quite rarely - one in a month or less - sometimes more frequently - - but I was able to suppress it...
Then when I realized the suppressed nature as me as life - I let it go out - I did everything what I could - tried sex again with girl and explored some - and then recenlty I felt like kind of fell to the other side of the horse - as the system physically manifested - as me - as one - I was kind of obsessed - for women, for sex, for relationship, for desire...
And I was aware of it - and sometimes I just knew it - and the flow took me - and there were several moments when I could not let what was going to happen, so I intervened - I mean I 'chosed' things - and these were the dishonest points what revealed - and I knew - this is not the core - I have to go along more -- and then I was barely a demonic entity - and I said then - I stop right now - in that moment I was really considering to go into an orgy or something like that and then holy shit - I was really on to this.

One thing I realized - I direct, I am here - where is my breath - here is my breath.

Inbreath - presence
silence - inner awareness as one
outbreath - outer expression as equal



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become self-interested.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as self-interested.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed about I am self-interested.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to fullfil me instead of realizing that this fullfillment is of self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I am self-interested, I am not of life-interested, and I am not here as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not here to breath as inner silence because then it would mean that I would have to give up the self-interest.
I forigve myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that self-interest as me exists only as an unreal manifestation of what I have accepted and allowed to become and it will go away - so the self-interest as self is trying to grasp the con-trol until it can - and in fact this would reveal to me that I am not standing up but waiting and hoping that something outer will force me to do so - and in fact it is separation and of polarity and that's why I am not here - - ridicoulous excuse to give up all self-interest -- I have to give up until it's going to be too late - as every act has consequences, and it is not enogh to know that I am capable of something but to express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from scream because of what others would think about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an image and likeness about myself and then projecting it towards others and acting it as I would be and then as I am acting it - I am becoming it - I am of it - as it - the personality manifestation of the mind - of fear - of self-deception as self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the ultimate orgasm in order to release all the burdens of myself from my mind and from the physical instead of taking self-responsibility as all as one as equal and dealing with and directing what is here directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to technical inventory and using it as an excuse to procrastinate my expression and suppressing it and then becoming frustrated about I am not moving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the tendency to overestimate my abilities as these are at the moment and 'hittiny my axe into too big trunks' so to speak and then getting tired of it before I finish it and then I would have the excuse that 'it is too big' or 'my axe is not the best' or 'there must be an other way'.
Instead of realizing that if I am here - I direct - I am aware of what I can do and I do it and I move along - without any desire, defined direction or purpose - as I do not have to create - I am already creation - so I stop - I release - I express.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from I would be exposed with girl about I am self-interested - instead of realizing that I can not hide what I have accepted and allowed - because if I hide it from others - I am hiding it from myself - as one as equal - so let's reveal everything and stop and change.

Desymbolism

Whatever is here
It is here and the question is that am I opening myself or not.
When the question is already here abpout what I am fearing from then self-honesty
is the key - as everything can be unfolded if self honesty I dare myself to push as.

Symbols - unfolding symbols

I became aware how I build myself up according to symbols.
One time I realize that the world is here - mostly when I stop defining yet the self-definition can occur as an addiction - then I do not define - but there is this word-matrix within me.
Words what I've built up about what is who I am and what is my reality.
Then by taking samples of the frequency domain - and matching these within my word-rule-matrix - I try to predict - as many aspects of myself are already quite systematic.
So within the act of an oracle - I do not see it - I do not predict it - but more likely I can redefine myself somehow.
For instance.
Walking on street or in nature and finding objects. Within the definition of finding I mean that for instance I look down and I see a treff king card.
Then I pick it up and who I am with - I was with Gyongy - so I simply put this into her perspective and I am empty - and she of course reacts towards it, so I put it onto her bike and she likes it.
This finding cards is quite specific for me - I liked to give meaning to what kind of card I've found. There was Beci and when I traveled with him in western europe - I always found joker to him and he was well surprised about how many I can find.
Interesting, because these cards have not a big variation, and the numbers mostly I tend to not give a big meaning - but for instance the king, queen, ace or the ruby - those were like something 'more profund' - and my favorite of course was always the joker. The joker because it means insane, playful, abstract and powerful.
So today when my little cousin, Noel gave me a pack of cards for a gift - I could observe myself about wondering for a moment: wtf this should mean - ok common sense: he gave me a pack of cards - nothing less, nothing more.
Then on the train I was just mixing the cards and pulling some and then watching how I operate related to the 'random' cards what I raised.
I realized that within this I use the construct of myself as mind consciousness system and then somehow what I already 'contain' I mix it with the given symbol of the card - and then asserting this into my system and it is like a projecting self-validation into these things and then simply reassuring that I can do whatever I want, mostly when I pick the joker.
So today when I wondered about can I pick joker, and when I did - I realized that I was dishonest today -
-first because I gave a meaning for the 'getting a pack of cards' - that ok now I have the cards, I am dealing and I 'have' all the cards.
-second because I gave a meaning to joker and defining it as the 'highest' and by picking it - I've defined myself as meaningful, special.

So within myself - there is this symbiologist - I've spent years to build up these symbol systems within myself and then being able to simply put a construct system between myself and what is here physically.
So this is a typical white light ascension bullshit - it is necessary to stop.
I even can say that this is not totally useless as at this moment I can direct myself to use to reflect myself according to objects what I find - because obviously these are not 'random' occasions. But when I define myself according to these, or I define possible movements or directions by these - it is deception.
Instead of when the symbol construct pops up by the act of directed self-reflection -- then seeing it as it is - how it built up and what I use it for and how and where I try to escape with this 'reinsertion' of code.

Interesting that this consciousness as the layers I contain - such as conscious, subconscious, unconscious - and even the deception and program comes out onto the level of conscious mind - and I accept it and I follow it and I reinforce it without even considering it as a past-based self-deception what always reoccurs as I reveal for myself as what I accept and allow when I participate within thought information systems.

And the self-corrective application could be specifically writing down the situation when I participate within symbols and taking it apart and coming to the realization about how it started and why I participated within it at the first time - and how and why I tend to accept and use it to define who I am and what is here and what to do.
Because mostly I see that I wanted to find signs around me what assure me that 'I can do anything', 'I am on the right path', and 'I am special' and things like that - even when I did not said these - the energetic signatures of my inner reactions were always like that.

So this simply unfolds the self-doubt, the self-fear and the lack of self-intimacy.

Because who needs symbols - who is not here.
Kind of martian and some times come to earth and wants to know what is happening to be able to 'plan'.
And then I as human mostly am not here - but within the energetic cage of mind and then some times taking samples about what the fuck is going on to be able to
-remain within and as the energetic system
-when the energetic system starts to fry me up literally - then to be able to decide how or where to go to restabilize this as called myself or joy or things like that what I use to protect my dishonesty to remain separated from the responsibility as who I am within and as this physical existence as all as one as equal.

I have to take apart the existing connections between the words - because at this moment I am not living the words as me but I am using nets of words and then I can simply question the whole thing called myself because if one word can influence who I am then what would be if all the words I react and connect to other words even on a way that I am not aware of it or if yes then I am not here to be able to direct because of the fragmentations or refractions of myself are more directive than me - because I became only this thinking entity within my head who can barely influence the outcome of reality as the already existing creation of myself as separation as a system of self-contaminations.
Because oneness and equality is always here - all ways here. I never could escape from responsibility - I never could escape from the god as the physical.
Because I always influenced the physical and I am now experiencing some sort of physical but in fact I am separated from it and looking trough the mind - and by trusting my mind - I copied attitudes what suggested me to not take responsibility because then I am 'free'.
But in fact I can not take responsibility until I am even not aware of what is here - I can not take self-responsibility until I am not here - and I am unable to change - because I have simply no power over of the mind.
And then the mind entertains me - the mind contains me and the mind embraces me - and the mind is directing the phyiscal - and this mind is also who I am but in fact it is from what is not real - conditioned content controlled, contacted contamination.

Self forgiveness I express and I stand and I stop participate within self definition - I stop participate within self definition trough symbols.

Within the game of Supreme commander - the last chapter is about to destroy the weapon of 'Black Sun' - what can destroy planets. Kind of star wars story.
And at the end scene the princess says within the animation that
'humans always define themselves trough symbols - what are corrupt - but when we destroy these symbols - then 'beliefs can change and the people could be free'.

And by destroying the symbol of weapon - do we destroy self-dishonesty?
By destroying the already manifested self-dishonesty, do we purify ourselves?
By destroying the symbols what we use to define ourselves - are we becoming free?

Well, if each individual can be able to destroy their own inner symbols - then it is already self-expression. It is already would be a manifestation of practial self-honesty application as common sense. Because then the symbol of 'choice' could be transcended - that here is no choice at all - this is who we really are - without any consciousness participation - we stand as all I stand as one as equal as life as the purification of man from symbols.

Because humans are living only symbolically - we are more likely became symbiotic cybernetic mixtures of the physical life - and this symbiological simulation we designed each of ourselves and the responsibility can not be denied.

When last time I spoke with Paul and David - Paul said that I am a fucking phylosopher and asked me that am I believing in oneness and equality and I said that this is what is here - what I experience, so this is not a belief.
He said that people can be responsible. And he said that most of the people are not responsible at all - only those who are aware of what is happening, the others are just sheples.
I disagreed and said that each are equally responsible, even within the money situation. He said I do not understand biology, and he calls it as the life - but in fact it was interesting to see that how much knowledge and information he used to justify that he is also responsible and not only for himself but for all - as one as equal, right here within every moment.
So after all this what we could not find as a common starting point and then the discussion was over - but it was interesting to see that I was not protecting myself, and some points he even revealed - for instance that I do not accept the greatness of myself and then he said that I am the biggest bastard of the world as well - so it was fascinating but I saw him as an example of system manifestation who is 'wise', 'clever' and can say that his hands are 'clear'.
Maybe he will have to die within this body to be able to release the limits.

So the responsibility - is here within each being within each moment - as the self-interest is so ingrained that they dont want to give up by themselves - rather than the events will sort this mess out - because the events are ourselves as well.

Self forgiveness before the train goes into the station.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape from self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my point of view - revealing that I am a point against of the wholeness - instead of being the expression of the starting point of all as one as equal - to not leave any being 'behind' of considering as equal with and as myself -- onto a practical, physical level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to symbols.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself of symbols.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate to purify the words I speak - still allowing to express myself as a systematic word-halo to protect myself from direct experience of what is here as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards those who do not understand me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards myself when I am judging myself and then judging the judging part of me by literally screwing up within my head and then to stabilize myself - using the pre-programmed, preexisting symbols to reassure that everything is all right.

So when I participate within symbols - as inner reaction - stop it - write it, release it, realize the transcendence as myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give worth and value to the symbols separated from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give meaning to the symbol of skull and bones separated from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a meaning of secret dark societies to the symbol of skull and bones.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a meaning and value of dark to the symbol of skull and bones.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate to george bush and his co about the society of skull and bones when I see a skull and bones symbol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define skull and bones as a sign of direct control of power here within this existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give any meaning and association when I see a symbol such as skull and bones - instead of simply remain here as inner silent and not reacting in any way whatso ever and breath and express what is here as me as one as equal.

I do not accept any symbols to define me - I do not accept myself to define myself by any symbols - I do not accept myself to move or act or react regarding to symbols automatically - I direct me and that's it and this is who I am -- regardless of symbols.

Self forgiveness: pretend, obsess

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend strength.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am not thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be who I am not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that everything is all right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am stable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am wise.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I pretend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from stopping pretending.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I pretend - I am not here as absolute self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to expose all pretends because of self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to behave as pretending in a some sort of self-justification and self-defensive mode in order to not take self responsibility about what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I pretend something then others may believe within that and then perceiving their reactions - I could be ensured that this pretending works, so I could believe it as well - instead of trusting me here who I am and express naturally as breath as inner silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to pretend that nothing happened when I experiencing abuse.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up and take responsibility and act immediately when abuse happens around me or within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I do not have to stand up and act regarding to abuse because of it is not my own shit; because of believing within the self-containment-mind-bubble and by this passive-spitefulness - giving the right to myself as well to continue abuse - accepting and allowing as one as equal -- instead of standing up and acing and expressing the starting point of who I am as all as one as equal.
-
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with a woman called Gyongy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with psychedelic trance and drum and bass when I dance and experiencing of the energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the energetic experience of masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with physical objects by defining those separate from me and putting worth and value into them and also defining them related to their price.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with phylosophy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with computer games.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with computers.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be as inner silence as breath when I am using computer.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally and expressing inner silence as self presence as expression as the physical.

Raware

Am I directing myself here or am I allowing myself to be influenced?
Who I am is the question in every moment - am I this acceptance and allowance what I stand up for and as and stop the self-dishonesty once and for all.
I've decided to make 21 day stopping stuffs - two of these I've chosed specifically, regarding to my current situation: coffee and masturbation.
So After two weeks I've been busy with masturbation and in fact
I did not wanted to suppress the sexual expression - but I simply wanted to reveal more that how and why I build up sexual-related energy? Because it is obvious that when I allow myself to desire, by tending to participate within looks, physical movements(looking back to a nice one for instance - a'la 'woman in the red dress' syndrome) or even thoughts(tiny, fast 'random access memory'-like picture-pop-ups within my head) - that is building up this compounded energetic entity within and as myself and it is well conditioned and totally predictable - and mostly ends in a need, urge to release.
And this release mostly was with my partner, but then when I got back face to face with relationship - I defined it as avoidable.
Also I did not wanted to fuck up girls mind about with several sexual occasions and when they start to experience the self-deception called 'love' - and I say 'no more' - they remain fucked -- so this is absolutely unacceptable.
Besides I realized that I never met any girl within my life who I had these 'requirements' related to how and why I want to live with somebody - I mean they are so different, and even now they are 'planning to' 'have love', or some occupations what I do not want to participate such as 'build a family with love and property' -- so after some emotional scars - the facing of my responsibility held back to engage into any relationship stuffs - also I defined that first: I sort out myself and then will see what next -- and people are almost laughing at me because they say - 'first relationship, then self realization' and I mean wtf...
But the sexual participation shows my typical attitude within consciousness: total avoidance of something(woman, alcohol, drugs, meat etc) or simply doing it with the most possible intensity until I decide to stop.
----
So when I direct myself to move - and I do not change when I am alone -- I mean: "I do not change when I am not alone" - I even not consider to participate within the energetic experience of masturbation.
But when I am all alone, and I tend to be get tired, yet I judged myself about 'I want more experience, not even about sex, but not want to sleep' and 'I already gave myself into the experience of tiredness' - I strive for escape from this energetic condition.
Before it - was the drugs - I mean just roll a joint or inhale some intense smokes and I was full of energy and I was able to make myself busy for more of couple hours...
But it had price and here I put these things down, so totally sober I am facing with myself.
Interesting observation that everything is connected to tiredness, fear and regret.
How? At the end of the whole shitstorm - I experience tiredness.
This tiredness is of the 'giving my power away' - literally feeding off the mind consciousness system by life as human physical body. Each thought has it's own signature what is of energy of polarity. This habit, as addiction manifests as my head is full of shit - full of thoughts - and each thought makes me literally weaker. At one point I even have the changing of perception by experiencing the existence on a somekind of 'less intense level', because everything is energy based - so fucked up. Then as I defined myself to be - as this 'high vibrating energy system' - is in trouble, so I strive for immediate cure for this lack of energy.
The coffee, drugs, sex has it's own energetic experience within my existence - so these I relate with. And then as I regularly tend to use these - I define myself as these things - as one as equal - and I am of it, as it.

Ok this stuffs I realized long ago but actually I write it down, so it lasts.


And let's see - here is a release - for instance having sex - with myself or with a girl, from this point - the totally same: I have a release - the compounded energy dissipates.
Some energy goes to the mind system directly - and I am less energetic.
Some energy just goes away - before probably went into the big one mind system as existence with the reptilian shit(see desteni, heaven etc) - but at this moment it forms my reality one and equal.

And there is no excuse about why I do this, or why I do not stand up.
For a certain point - I can say - I am exploring, I am experimenting - - but when once I came to a conclusion about something is necessary to be stopped -- then I have to stop - because if I am not stopping - I am not honest with myself, so I am not real from the point of who I perceive myself to be and who I really am is not one and equal so one of this is not real - and therefore my starting point is the one what is not real, so everything what I do comes from this illusion and therefore who I am is not real as well.

But when I actually dare myself to stop a habit - what is for instance an addiction or a simple self-fucking as self-dishonesty -- and I do not stop practically, totally - then I am just playing about the idea of stop - because of something what still keeps me 'back' from stepping forth so to speak - walking trough the past.

And the last point about this to consider that how I direct myself - how I handle myself within situations such as this STOP.
The already existing personality design can easily suggest to FORCE something to stop.
This is kind of fighting - I fight against something and I go into battles - I win and then I loose and I win and loose and it practically does not stop.
So somehow the embracing of stopping without fighting - this is what I am actually exploring - and makes me fall I can say - but these are not falls - only moments when I realize that this change was not real as it did not stood the 'claws of time' - so I dig deeper, I open myself up more and I specify the self-directiveness and embracing by and as awareness the whole situation of myself where and as I am at the moment - here.

How much I can bullshit instead of writing directly without any 'random' or intellectual addenums?

It is necessary to stop defining myself as pictures.
Because yesterday I realized when I was on a some form of beach - I am abusing myself when I define beings according to their physical shape.
I am abusing the equality within myself by determining myself according to picture presentation of beings.
Self interest I find this what makes me bend over and with pictures what I perceive trough my human physical eyes.
Yes, I can see trough my eyes - but the keyword is 'when I want' - and simply when I want - I still want to see trough, because of self-interest and therefore as it is already has the condition and starting point of self-interest - it is not absolute, it is not real so better to release the whole construct and breathing as presence and express and express.
Better the word as what is supporting all as one as equal as me.

The practical solution has to be written, stabilized, well directed - and by this one 'swing' I direct myself and I realize how things work - everything of me as me as one as equal within oneness and equality.

I have to stop stimulate myself with these energy flows within my body - these are the intense manifestations of the thought systems what are moving inside of me - and literally limiting my experience - also determining, containing, controlling, it's like I am within this con-sole.

Also interesting when I released this energetic compound, such as desire for sex - it looks the most intense -- I can literally experience the energy movements within myself - and it is always comes after some thought constract I allow to pop up - even those what are look slight - and this energy flows around the solar plexus, the backbone - it is related to fear.
If I fear to exist without energy thought systems - then the question comes about how it formed and how I participate and why - and how to stop it.
How to realize who I am and how to stop myself as thoughts?
It is a connection graph and I move by these connections within my head - even it is not physically my head but then within my trunk these energies emerge.
STOP REMOTECONTROLLING MYSELF BY CONS.

write and express no need con
conless contala conend

Ok, I write down Mykey support about masturbation:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be addicted to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define enjoyment as masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to became addicted to the energetic experience of masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become consumed my masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that when the desire to masturbate steps forth: I cant help myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed of myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to condemn myself for masturbating.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience guilt when I masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be a slave to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give masturbation power and control over me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the experience of masturbation trough the energetic experience thereof.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use pictures in my mind to masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from the energetic experience I have when masturbating instead of masturbation being an expression of me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to define woman as sex symbols.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I can only masturbate and experience me with woman in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define masturbation as the experience of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be enslaved by sex, woman and masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and do.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe: There's no way out.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear other's judgement of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that others will think that this is who I am because of my masturbation and sexual obsessions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that others will judge me - instead of realizing that the fear of others judgement is actually the self judgement I have bestowed upon myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find it difficult to forgive myself for what I have done in the past and allowed in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am inferior and less than others because of my past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to abuse myself.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to understand myself - instead of understanding my situation - I judged my situation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame woman for what has become of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry with woman because what has become of me - and that they're showing no interest in me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become so obsessed with woman - and because I masturbate of them - I am not able to face them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed in the presence of woman.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that because I masturbate of woman in my mind - and because I have become obsessed with them trough masturbation - I have forgotten how to have a proper converstation with them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge woman.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that because I masturbate of woman in my mind - I no longer see them as a human being - but as a picture I can use to masturbate with in my mind - and therefore - I am not able to have a proper converstation with them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see woman only as pictures with which to masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from woman.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare with other men.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to set myself free from the masturbation of the past.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I am able to forgive myself and release myself from the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed masturbation to become a burden over me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place more value and worth in woman than realizing my own worth and value as who I am.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have the strength and discipline to stop.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize my own strength and self discipline.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame the world and my parents for what has become of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am a monster.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed of looking people in the eye and facing them - because of my past and what I do in secret.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress and hide me from myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be afraid of looking people in the eyes trough fear that they might see right trough me and know what I have accepted and allowed myself fo became.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the guilt, shame, anger, conflict and frustration of what I have allowed and accepted to become and then 'lash it out' on others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I must hide and suppress what I experience within me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be honest with me.
--

So it looks like that within my relationships - as I moved with girls without 'mindwork' - there was a point where my self honest application could 'slip away' -- mostly with sex - that was quite fluid - but when for a moment I stopped as self-expression - I simply lost my interest - I simply lost my arousedness, I lost my intent because I felt that this is just like 'ordinary' - and instead of realizing the situation and the responsibility - to open myself and her up and direct the situation and express and experience both of us as one as equal - I missed a transcendence point and I lost my motivation to do it regularly.

So when I had the relationship - in the begining I was totally interested in having sex multiple times at a day - but as the months passed - it became less and less - as it was not a self-expression -- it was conditional and the conditions changed and I changed with the conditions - or I can say - the conditions determined me.
And then I felt a bit regret, and I wanted to reinforce this desire, so I used pictures, I imagined about my girlfriend and I built up sexual energy shit - just as I did when I was child...

But from childhood as I wanted to be a man who can give a big joy for woman - I was this as well - when I wanted - I could give much pleasure for girl - but the starting point was not one and equal - more likely it was a kind of twisted manipulation...
So as years passed - I also learnt to just go with the experience and totally forgeting about my desire and just enjoying and pleasuring and it was fascinating.
With my girlfriend I was able to develop to not even care about orgasm - I was just having sex and she enjoyed and enjoyed and enjoyed again and I was so stable - and self expression I was able to do this...
But then as I stopped participate within relationship - with phyiscal girlfriend - this ability just slipped as I reformed myself according to suppression and masturbation.

And within the last months when I had sex three times with a girl about within a month - much of this revealed - as how and why I give into the 'release' by allowing myself to urge me -- or by allowing the girl to urge me because she could not bear the frustration of ' 1 - not having an orgasm - 2 - I am slowly exploring how to stabilize myself within sexual expression without having an orgasm'...
But it was obvious that this I can reexplore and restabilize - with a partner who can be aware of all of this and can support her as me as one as equal.
But to seek after a girl who is like this - I am not sure...
At this moment I found this girl who I like - who I wrote about within my last post - but she is going away after a month and that's it.
The temptation is intense and even for moments I loose myself but as I realize how and why it happened - it worthy - because me revealing for me.

Once there was an idea to 'get a young girl' who I direct as me as one as equal - but somehow I did not liked this idea to direct a 'younger being' because I judged it before I experienced - - but it also does not mean that I should do this...

Also when I 'kind of engage' into a contact with a woman - it is easy to not masturbate and things like that - but when I am alone for a long while -- it is like being within the darkness without the existence -- kind of mind-bubble and the self-reflection about who I am manifests by myself and then comes the point when I STOP because it is obvious that I am dishonest and the whole story is of illusion.
Ok, that's it, well well.

Something changed

This myself as I am is not same as before.
I am getting the point to not to take any drugs anymore...
Slow but more stable more direct.
I am.
Am I?

Who I am if I am not me anymore as who I was?
Who I was - was I am?

The starting point as all as one as equal as breath - as I remain.
The girl - the need, the fear -all are me - am I accepting me as separation, as desire, as defeat? Not anymore. Not anymore.

This self forgiveness brings me the fact that I am not forgiving within as moment - mostly it is intent - when it is so called 'serious shit' - such as deep deep desire manifests.
I am self honest for an extent when I am aware what to do but I am not doing - it is not real - it is separation. But the unification is already here. I am expressing myself and breathing. Changing. The days are changing me. As I as days as me changing.
But this changing is going to be an unchanging when the change is over. And the change of me as me as who I AM - is the releasing the mind consciousness system practically.

So this situation - self forgiveness is like a huge river and I am in the middle and swirling, swimming all time against the flow and sometimes I just release and I am here and I direct. No, this is bullshit. Bullshit generator.
Direct manifestation. The left thumb pain arises as I judge myself. Stabilization as writing as self as breath in as hold in and as aloud I say I forgive myself that I have accepted to judge myself within my writing expression and I stop judging and I stop wanting to be profound.

So this relationship issue as transcendence. I am so fucking self-special-interested that I tend to let it go so fucking simply fuck them and fuck them all these are me then I am here and I am breathing and I do what I do.

I was so fucking busy because I was so fucking busy.

Since I came back from the rainbow - I like to lay down and considering myself for a moment and where is my breath? Where am I?

I almost forgot that who I am hahahahahahA.
Concept? fuck the concept of who I am, please.

okatta

musi musi

I tried to deny who I was

how fucking dare to deny who I am as all?

I like this music - kraft as it goes the dark deep fast bass - it is real.

this sound is so fucking real

TU RU RU RU - TU - RU RU RU - TU - RU RU RU
150 BPM

I am so fucking out from who I tend to be that I even do not know who I am.

I got everything what I desired for - almost. All most.
And it's gone. So silly that I am this gone-ness here-ness without LESS.


And you here go chasing rabbits?

I was fearful from telling people how I experience them? Fuck it let's see? what I can loose?
Even a facehit I would be glad at this moment because I am lost within the social empathology.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to tell people how I experience at the moment with them because of self-interest, because of self-definition, because of the self-deceptive illusion of system-compassion to cover my own dishonesty.

Metal claws fast blades vast fades black shades.

Be sure of not being of energy.
I am here as sound as life as all as one as man as equal as life as breath.

New screen and no scream?

I am glad that I am.

I am as unification as man. Here.

So fast it became habit to define me according to her that simply I release her. No need, no need, no need, I am, here.
Transcendence I am, unconditional release I am, absolute self honesty manifestation I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be found, to be raised, instead of realizing that I have to stand up for myself as myself as all as one as equal as life within oneness and equality, here.

Release I am, Stand I am, Forgiveness I am, practicality I am, Life I am, Breath I am.

I forgive myself that I participate within the jack in the box memory and within the next moment I am not here and I tend to turn off here for a moment - instead of being here as presence as breath as expression, especially when I am at work at meeting or somebody is speaking to me for a while about some work stuff what is not directly about my job.

I enjoy myself as breath as expression as self directive principle.
I accept myself as breath as expression as self directive principle.

I express myself as music and as video easily, naturally, without consideration, without concept as who I am as one as equal.