[JTL 104] Fake fashion, Make up: My story and Self-forgiveness part 1

Hundreds of posters like this in London, Hackney Wick

Walking every day in Budapest downtown I see many(more and more) women are wearing make-up and I always reacted to this and it is time to stop the mind and make my stand to remain undefined and be LIFE.
So let's decompose what I accepted and allowed to be:


I never really liked the whole beauty industry and it was always clear to me that actual girls, women are really becoming fucked up by comparing the brand/media/film/beauty industry-promoted images with how they look and make them react and to compensate their lack of self-esteem, self-trust, self-integrity and inferiority, they fall into the temptation of actually spending money to things what are obviously not healthy, strengthening mind-reactions, fear and not only disrespecting real woman values but actually making beauty something what can be boosted with money and craft, however the real beauty for me was always the actual disregard of any polarity/comparison of whole concept of beauty as it creates ugliness and judgment/separation and always exposes being existing in fear what for me was always like turn off from enjoying beauty as the whole thing is just an experience and only can be enjoyed if priorities are alright, meaning in the danger of death I never care about beauty even about the mythical woman in red dress...

What people do not realize just like with movies that there might be some seconds talk and how they appear: as cool and nice and in fact many people worked on for maybe days/months to sound cool and look awesome with lots of time(and money!). And they record it from dozens of angles and re-record the speak many-many times and it is might not be natural at all. And in post-production a little reverb in the speak make them sound more theatrical and with state of the art visual specialists being payed: in fact anyone can look just anything they like her/him to be seen.
So that within advertisement and films, videoclips and photos can be really deceiving, especially for the generations who grown up with TV and magazines always telling who and what are nice. That influences people, especially who use thoughts, memories, pictures to express themselves to be.

So that goes also with clothes/shoes/boots I've defined as whore-ish and when I had a partner back there who was really nice for me by defailt and I saw her clothed like craving for acceptance and positive affirmation and in fact sex - I always was like "WTF girl you have in your head, your ego needs to die utterly" -  and I just disliked the whole concept of trying to boost beauty with these things as spiky high-heels and white-transparent-camel-toeish revealing pants and stretched nipple-showing shirts and all those things and of course it is me who reacted within but then I realized as I enjoyed it on screen, I did not really enjoyed it with my partner(it was in about 2006) so I always made her naked asap I could and she was just more beautiful like that for me...probably that's why I went to the whole hippie nudist lifestlye after all, to just be as natural as possible without any hiding and manipulation...
I went to the other side of judgment-polarity obviously but the thing what I defined as positive is that you can immediately see what you can get, no hiding, no games, no manipulation with stripes and padded bras and cockteasing bikinis: strange but after everyone is naked it does not fascinates my mind that much - in fact I can see how each pussy is kind of the same, so then what? I can focus on their beingness and see who they actually are. Of course there are some who also use this to manipulate and lure the mind but not that is the 'normal' in that scene but more likely 'I accept you as you look just as you are and you accept me as I am' was for me. Meaning here how people actually look, not how people attach positive energy reaction to self-definition of feeling good being naked among others as that is freedom or any other fall into the mind to tell me what is what instead of directly experience(because then that is the same as with clothes and money). But anyway, if one uses common sense, after backtracking points: money always comes in as directive power - that's why we promote an Equal Money System wherein each can have a life to enjoy first and when everyone is supported, then the rest of the 'resources/energy/money' can be played with but real love and compassion and beauty would be to feed everyone.
Alright, back to the city, every day subway scene, decolletage at my face with narcotic perfumes in the face: I smell bullshit(and lot$ of money) here!

Even there is a part within what was was like this when I was younger: - I am simple, normal, quiet guy, I have no common ground and even chance with those 'worldy sexy rich bitches', so I formed a reaction that it is really bad, at least for me.

That also assisted me to see it more as it is with the analytic mind of 'well how to judge them as bad, well, use logic and not just say bullshit but try to prove my point' so then I came to the conclusion that:

• fashion is always about money, clothes, uncomfortable, body-abusing heels and even in -20c cold wearing skirt thing is so dumb for reaction from men{ and women}
• make-up makes women with no make-up pale and grey 
• make-up also is about money and low-self-esteem and lack of self-trust
• natural beauty exists as not by comparison but self-confidence and self-expression
• on screen with huge and hot lights for filming actually make-up is required to not look like being in oceanic tropical hot jungle
• clothing bitchy fuel perv & rapists mind and objectifying women and brainwash kids that these are the important values, not the real love as equal sharing goods with everyone etc
• not even going into the animal testing part as lots of companies still do that what is absolutely unacceptable

So ranting on these I revealed many as I have formed myself with lots of judgments(among with some what are FACTS) what I walk through here to see what I can stand with what is best for all:

Self-forgiveness: Self-definition about women, reacting to:

Make-up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as fake who put on make up and wear obviously uncomfortable clothes, shoes and thinking that she must be really screwed up within to wear that mask to try to make others to love her because she does not love herself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike perfumes of women especially those who put on so much I barely can bear it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for the face of the women who I see put make up on remembering thinking those substances on the skin going into the body, the blood, the brain wreaking havoc in cells.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a woman who has makeup immediately as a no-go for considering for a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that women using dark eye-paint in their makeup that they look like from addams family and thinking that it must harm their eyes and feeling really the opposite of sexual attraction towards them what I think they want to make feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that women who go out walking the dog while wearing ridiculously bold and unnatural make up that they must be extremely screwed up within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define make up only cool for special occasions or acting in movies and when seeing somebody in make up I do not really know that they might go to a special occasion or to act in a movie but I still think it is highly unlikely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically feel positive and sympathy for a woman who does not use make up even it means she does not concealing lack of geometrical perfection within the details of her face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a woman who wears make up every day can not be 'normal' and defining all women who even I notice wearing a 'basic' make up, they must be lost and fearful within therefore not considering them as beings as equal as me but as feeling pity for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like wanting to laugh at the women's faces who wear make up sometimes because I feel like I want to laugh at the demon within them what is of fear and the beauty demon what they feed within and as themselves and not realizing that it is of my judgment I face, my demon I want to poke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself who I am as if I want a partner then definitely somebody who does not wear make up or at least every day for sure not and by that limit myself and judging myself for that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that reacting to makeup actually I am reacting to my self-definitions and nothing to do with the woman's face and the woman's beingness but only myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into conflict within by judging and reacting to make up at all and not realizing that I can have a point where to stand within decision and then simply express without going into self-judgment and never realizing that I go inner conflict regarding to make-up because I see that my definitions of it and about it is not clear, self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not standing firmly within my decision as not wanting to be with a woman who uses makeup by not being sure that with this decision I can have my partner I want to be and also fearing that with this decision I might actually miss the point meaning wearing make up does really matters that much or I just react to my self-definitions as fearing from my belief becoming true that the woman who uses make up might be screwed within and I do not want to be part of that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define make-up as something what I must react with negative feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define make-up as bad because defining and thinking that the woman who puts that up must be and probably is fears from not being beauty enough and defining beauty according to media and brainwash and then by that defining her being brainwashed, lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear from not being aware of if a woman has make up and then defining her attractive and believing that I react to herself as defining her as 'naturally she is like that' meanwhile what I adore is her skills and the money she spent on to look like that and the company and all of the things that they did in order to make the product and by that supporting deception, abuse and mind fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel positive by defining that I am glad I am man and not woman and not realizing that it's starting point is fear from how I could act if I were be woman and not realizing that by separating myself from women I actually support fear and deception what is the starting point of women fall into the whole make-up stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate beauty industry and the whole thing that they have lot of money to pay for placing photo-shopped and lots of design and make up-ed women picture all over the city with brands to lure women into inferiority by giving them something to compare themselves with as picture through and as the mind and induce doubt, fear, inferiority what they want to compensate then with the product, believing that if they buy the shit then they will be beautiful and not needing to feel not beautiful and inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry towards these huge 'beauty demon industry' posters and neon-lighted glasses with apparently beautiful women pictures what are teasing, sexy and wanting to smash these and destroy as being aware how much shit these create within women and men as well by defining normal and nice these what people see every fucking day over and over and over again and feeling angry because feeling myself helpless because everyone accepts it and even myself, only feeling shit about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to overcome anger towards media industry by wanting to find a partner who is just beautiful without any makeup and expensive shit and not realizing that I am already lured into the polarity game of the mind of ugly and beauty and wanting to go to the sunny side, the light, the positive as feeling better when reacting to image what seems beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the only solution from this is to accumulate self-stability, self-direction and educate myself and others about what are the real values and to actually stop the mind and assist and support others who are walking the same process to stop the mind of polarity, of energy, of separation, of fear, of self-dishonesty.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who fall into the trap of fashion and thought-image-feeling-reaction into and as the mind instead of taking responsibility for and as them as myself as equal as one and see how I am falling into the reaction of polarity of thoughts of mind and realize that in fact from Absolute Self-honesty, it does not matter what is the picture, great looking synthesizer for instance for me: the reaction and energy what is not the physical is the same.

Wow this is kind of a deep topic, I stop it here today, more points, Self-forgiveness, Self-correction will be shared...


Meanwhile educate yourself and others at EQAFE.COM about how the mind and reality and existence and animals and the whole system works to stop being the whore of energy of self-interest and be LIFE and what is Best for all!

[JTL 74] Seeing points within to correct

Being in musical festival again and seeing points within:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look women within the energetic reaction to self-definition of hope that I might will have real physical experience with someone fulfilling my desire for a relationship what with I will be whole with and meanwhile not realizing that my starting point is of separation from myself here and wanting to stop the experience and the reactions to this personality of separation from myself because not experiencing myself fully here and wanting to find/have/be defined by and automatically reacted to someone who with I can be what I experience not being in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this personality of separation from others and the world I experience is of thoughts/feelings/emotions within I've taken refugee as who I've defined myself to be and re-echoing within me as me to show equal as one what I am accepting myself and how in fact wording myself into self-separation from myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile at people within the starting point of if I am kind then hoping that the other will be kind as well and only 'good' experiences we will share and not realizing that it is a part of a polarity of self-judgment as polarity as 'negative' balanced out with hope for 'positive'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing things and events happening with people what I will see as negative and bad and wanting to avoid that by hope and actually acting 'positive' and perceiving and expecting that the 'other' should be the same.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the act of 'being positive' and 'expecting' is an energetic state what within I am in a feeling what is not me as it is of conditions and if I am changed and behaving in a way while being in the 'feeling' then I am not real because this feeling will not remain, but only until this 'being positive' and 'expecting' personality I feed with thoughts/physical postures/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug according to memories and 'should do'-s and 'should not do'-s and not realizing that if I superimpose who I am in the moment based on self-definition then the action/experience I will face will be tainted with the starting point of self-definition of actually why I want to hug or not hug for instance 'desire to feel woman body closely' or 'fear from being hugged by someone I do not like her and I want to remain not liking her'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that writing/saying Self-forgiveness with 'for instance' is not specific enough, it is letting doors open as conditions what I am not aware of - meaning 'maybe', 'probably', 'hopefully' instead of directly approaching the point or directly not approaching a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone who is different than me by the definition of difference within me, specifically when someone is playing music in a way what I've defined as 'zombie' and 'almost sleeping' and 'not present' meanwhile I am not fully sure how he/she is in and as the moment or not - and going into self-judgment in that moment the only real responsibility for me is to stop self-judgment-projection and to stop myself NOT remaining to be here and be Self-honest in and out breath within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I act based on belief of who I must be as who I am as character as Talamon - I am pre-defined, pre-programmed and per-ordained based on my opinion formed in the past wherein I was not consistent within Self-honesty therefore I can not trust anything I've defined in and as the past who I must be, how I must be.

When and as I look women for energetically react how much I find her attractive or seeing the chance to form relationship with her for fulfilling me I stop - I realize I am acting based on starting point of self-definition of being not whole and lacking as separation from myself therefore I stop and I breathe and I embrace myself fully here and allow to experience fully who I am in and as moment as presence here without energy, without judgment, without fear and desire.

I commit myself to stop energetically react to women who I see and I stop judging them as how attractive or not attractive I find them to be for me based on picture presentation and I commit myself to stop seeking for somebody to fulfill me but stopping myself and seeing what I am not experiencing within and as me based on self-definition and manifesting that as separation from what I miss within and as myself here.
I commit myself to become aware and stop each inner reaction towards manifesting desires within me towards women for the experience of fulfilling me as I am constantly aware that based on mind's desire I will not be fulfilled only as long the energy reaction lasts what is temporally therefore within desire and seeking based on self-definition and separation I only lose myself in a path what leads far from being myself here therefore I re-align myself with each breath - inbreath, outbreath equal as one.

When and as I act as positive in order to hope to attract positive I realize it is of self-definition of fear from negative therefore I allow myself to become aware of this pattern in each breath and I stop it as myself and I direct myself constantly to not participate within polarity of judgments of what is positive and negative for me.

I commit myself to stop define what is positive and negative for me and stop hoping for positive in each moment equally unconditionally.

When and as I express Self-forgiveness with the words 'for instance' - I stop, I re-define, I specify and re-align myself with and as the expression of absolute specificity within Self-forgiveness as myself to avoid uncertainty and hope.

I commit myself to Walk Self-forgiveness Application within the Specificity and not allowing to just 'happen' and then manifesting time loop and walking the same point again with more and eventually absolute specificity to face the fact that I could be more specific in the first time.

When and as I judge someone as different than me I realize that it is of self-judgment projected out to someone else to not realize that I am judging myself but not wanting to face therefore separating the judgment from myself and projecting it out therefore I stop it and reflect it back to myself as equal as one and taking responsibility to see within what is the starting point and I stop it and re-align and re-define myself within Self-honesty and Apply the Self-forgiveness within specificity to stand as Living Correction immediately.

I commit myself to stop judging others as remain within the realization that I project out self-definition to others to not face that I am within separation of myself therefore I stop allowing myself to act based on self-definition and projection to others in and as breath, each.

When and as I judge someone as attractive or not attractive I realize I am not here, I re-align myself here with and as breath.

When and as I hug by definition of I should do it for something or I should not do it for something I realize it is of the mind - I stop it and I use common sense within absolute Self-honesty to direct myself on about hugging.

I commit myself to stop defining hug and stop attaching words to the word hug and I am one and equal with and as the word hug - I am expression as hug as equal as one and no reason, no reaction I accept to the word or act of hug.

When and as I react to memories and definitions of who I am as character as Talamon - I realize it is of fear of mind based on definitions and I am hiding behind of self-automation based on words I am not aware of, I am not equal as one therefore I stop myself as character of Talamon and I re-align myself with and as all life here as equal as one as myself undefined, physical, breathing.

Check out Life Skills with Practical Self-honesty: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com - it is free and many walks it for Self-support and at least one should try before judge if wants to be more than experiencing oneself today and not being satisfied or want to change but facing difficulty or seeking for more what we seem to be or trying to be more effective but facing difficulties to be more successful etc...

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[JTL 63] Being with others and reacting

2013.06.21, Friday
I am in the forest with some people for some days where is sometimes tension and I have the opportunity to see how I participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I fear from directing the situation around when it is emotional and I am apparently clear and becoming observer and waiting to be over as I did when I was kid meanwhile thinking that I do not have directive power over others and after some time it will go away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts to automatize myself in order to avoid fear and overcome the feeling of not having power over the situation around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that others will stop raging emotions and then I will be free of the reactions to emotions and not realizing that then I am conditioned to others and how others start or stop being reactive and not realizing that in fact I am reactive and projecting self-responsibility to be influenced and wait for stop stop in an as a disregarding myself and what is reacting within me in each breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from remaining alone if I do not accept emotions to be directive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at moments I fear from myself if I do not follow predefined patterns then I will have to fear more therefore listening to thoughts therefore not being here by that manifested fear of and as mind of thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that any given moment I am not here as continuous presence - I am automated of thoughts of fear what must be walked backwards moment by moment each, one by one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the physical is the key as breath as principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from living with others because then emotional storms happen within people argue and shout and blame and tension and anxiety and fear is in the air which from I feel and defined myself to feel that I am being exhausted, tainted by and focused to as negative.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow within my living quarters therefore the principle is simple - what I accept and allow is my responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to dominate down who argue and shout by shouting them more loud and strong to listen to me who is saying: stop it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself to shout others in order to stop them arguing because I think that if I am not here then they will continue it anyways and only what I can gain is that they do not want to be with me because I am getting mad - and not realizing that if I will be alone because not accepting emotional arguments then my starting point is here - no emotional argument.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as emotional when I would raise my voice to others in order to stop them being emotional because what if in fact I am becoming emotional by them and then saying them to not be emotional while I am emotional and anxious looks like a contradiction and fearing that what if they would say to me that 'Tala, in fact you are emotional and anxious' and not using common sense and principle and Self-honesty in every breath here to avoid conflict within me and then around me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that I am playing the character of being good for accepting people around me within the hope that it will be good and they will be nice because that is what I want for me therefore thinking they want the same from me and if I will be nice and kind by default then they will be the same.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that mostly within sexual desire and hope for sexual connection I accept to be socially compromise and allow people to direct here and me first and then if it is abusive then reacting to it and then judging my reaction and then wanting to stop it and eventually direct the situation what is best for me - and never realizing it is because of the hope and fear :
-hope that they will be cool with me as I would like to receive
-fear from directing the circumstances, myself, my direction and even the interaction with others because then they would judge and react to me as controller, dictator, dominant
and never realizing that I always push myself down to compromise what is supporting me in order to remain within the character of being accepted, nice, kind and helpful within the hope that then everybody will be eventually the same with me believing within a some sort of karma and not realizing that within the law of attraction I pull people around me who direct me within their interest meanwhile they hope that I will be nice with them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if emotions and fear is expressed around me the common sense is to see that is it directing me or not - and if so then my existing relationship first is to deal and sort out and if I am clear and empty then I can see what is going on with others to assist and support but only then - otherwise my responsibility here is only my reaction and my programming to decompose, understand, forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being self-honest and intimate with myself within any given moment to be able to see that an upcoming thing in the mind is my issue or others.

I commit myself to stop reacting to emotional exerting of others automatically - I stop giving the permission to my programmed mind body to react with emotions by suppression and waiting and I start directing.
I commit myself to stop fearing from raising my voice within the belief that if I shout then I am bad by understanding that if I am clear within - I trust myself undefined and even if it looks like I am going too far - I still trust myself that I walk the principle of stopping within and expressing with out.
I commit myself to see and realize when I am falling through over the horse from suppressing to exerting and stop and re-align myself to forgive myself to return to moment as clear and empty within and embrace the presence undefined as principled living within common sense based consideration of what is best for all and me equal as one breath by breath.
I commit myself to direct my live within principle and stop fearing from not being accepted if I stand up for and as principle.
I commit myself to direct situation within common sense at my living quarters without fear from being rejected by others.


Meanwhile I am able to slow and stop within - and finding relaxation within constant action.
The only thing is required to consider my body's limitations and everything else is here - except electricity and internet and mobile network. My limitations I can face within extreme strong sunlight versus my very white skin and my left pointing finger has some serious dysfunction since a while and quite painful it is while using it.
Ticks are everywhere, many-many - even repellents are not holding these tiny monsters back and they love children's blood especially.

We have a very blessed place wherein are multiple fountains.  Yesterday I've helped to clean the little stream and today will continue. I just walked into the nearest village for about 5 km-s - but here is still no mobile network(therefore internet) but at least I can charge up these gadgets to write some.

I enjoy to work in nature - yesterday gathered lots of woods and made fire, cooked, dig and cleaned the stream,  today will clean some bushes and clean the stream more and bring rocks into it.

Back at home at my new flat there is still no cable connection until Tuesday, so I do not hurry - only what bothers me is my writing habits regarding to course and commitment assignments but from next week I will be able to continue each night.
Many things seems to change within - what I see as most important is my drive for find a woman is less - even here in the camp women are not really clothed - I do not feel the urge and the need and obsession towards sex.
I've always noticed that within the city I am more focused to women and sex within my mind than on countryside so this will be a Self-honesty writing walk soon.
The addiction to orgasm seems to fade as well - What I look within is that is this a suppression or a self-honest expression to stop what is not here as relevant in the moment.
Man, how much energy is involved within the sexual mind - once it is released I am not really that changing.
It is really like being lifted from possession.
It is fascinating because here is some nudism and I do see some titties and pussy but not really matters - just bodies - and sometimes I still see my eyes and head moving automatically to specific body parts of women what I've defined as energetically charging but I am continuously releasing.
It is a process - and only self-honesty can assist within seeing that what I can stop in the moment and not using 'path of attainment' as excuse to not stop in and as the moment entirely.

The remaining thing to write today is that I am starting to have a 'capacity' and attention towards my daily waking up process.
Recently I experience it - as no alarm I use in the forest - is that I sleep, I wake up, then I sleep back and then I wake up because my thoughts are getting more and more loud and after all I wake up because I'm fed up with this thinking all the time as annoys me.
It does not have direction or particular topic - it SEEMS to flow randomly about things in my life - like a twisted echo machine.
I sleep still not too much - about 6-7 hours - but for me it is too much - but I've defined that this time I allow myself to just see how and when I wake up.
I even had verbal expression towards others that I might want to wake up before the sun and take some sunrise footages with my camera but not really.

When I started to walk with Desteni, I have found very practical and useful and supportive to say Self-forgiveness-Sleeping wherein there is this:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as moment as me, as breath as me.

I have said it for many days and when I did it - it assisted  - and still there are times when I do take a short nap for instance for 15-30 minutes - and I wake up - I am empty - and I wake up and I act - no thoughts.
But it is not consistent, and in the mornings it only occurs when I use alarm being set on asking me to wake up after 4:30-6:00 hours sleep.

But I must investigate the morning thoughts one by one specifically and de-weed myself one by one.
Even many times I see dreaming is also a some sort of thought-stream but more vivid it's like a mind-state wherein thoughts are more colored and less just like this voiceless-speaker in my head as backchat.

So a backchat diary is required to follow and see the patterns and see the conditions what with they arise for what reason and what is what I do not direct in my life and reflects back through and as the thoughts of mind.
Alright, my charger is getting finished on almost all batteries so I am taking the 5 km walk back to the forest to make some fire and chapati and dig stream and cut grass more and see what comes next.

[JTL Day 12] Desire and fear regarding to woman and sex intro

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Yesterday after some months I had sex with her again and I was surprised how quiet I've became today inside in terms of thoughts and feelings.
Obviously with sex I can discharge the storm within but only for a while - so even if I do not see this clearly - I will experience the consequences anyway.

Looks like all the inner troubles I give myself into is because of the lack of sex and my judgments and reactions regarding to this.

Fascinating - if I would be my mind, and would want to control me, I'd make sure that I do not have a sexual relationship within the physical.

And my mind is a reflection and inversion of me as who I am.

What does this entail?

As I see - regarding to this topic, specifically as the words within me:
'woman' and 'sex' - both have two faces - the desire after and the fear from.
The polarity manifestation of my desires and fears are quite equated - in fact by my constant reaction towards these within 'me' make me just be equated, 'still', 'balanced'.

In fact - the most practical way to describe this system what I've put in charge within and as me as this topic as 'woman and sex' - is by walking trough this specific polarity system with this specific woman who I had sex with.

So this story starts like an ordinary erotic story - but I am walking trough the self-dishonesty here - what I am doing here by starting to write out my desires and fears according to woman and sex existing trough and as encrypted energetic symbols called words.

Encrypted meaning I am not fully aware of all the details of how and why I've manifested myself like this as I experience myself here - and writing it out within the starting point of self-honesty - I can unreveal the encryption. The encryption is here to make sure in one moment I can not see trough my delusion - as layers upon layers of relationships between words I've accepted and allowed to self-define and conclude and decide and apparently choose - but within self-honest writing I can investigate the why and the how and then I can be aware of the whole story by dedication and in fact consistency and time - and to realize the ridiculousness of my constant self-delusion through and as energetic polarity manifestations triggered by words.

So that's why all the words - that's why any spiritual mantra can not be self-honestly seriously taken in any way whatsoever - as that is not the actual words what I react to - that is just an other layer upon the already self-contained layered consciousness system - an other encryption level to make sure the human not realize the RESPONSIBILITY within such delusion as thoughts, feelings emotions - and one who is really dedicated to Self-realization and Self-liberation - should not stuck at any method what is not really dealing with the words what one programmed to react to - because we already entail many-many-many-many programmed systems within our mind consciousness what makes us operate quite automatically within certain specific situations what we accepted and allowed - in fact decided not to question anymore but encrypting the whole package as 'myself' and then any question would point towars this encrypted system as the pointer word: 'myself' then one would stop, one would hesitate to question anymore, because this is what self has accepted and allowed to be and then comes the 'This is who I am, that's it' - what is the lamest excuse earth has been seen because to remain this system actually requires lots of extra effort - the constant occupation within thoughts, feelings and emotions - what is literally seeping off our real life force what we really are as our human physical bodies.

Therefore I walk trough this two words as woman and sex in terms of polarity system regarding to two dimensions: desire and fear.

Recently I've already wrote down all my fears what I could bring to surface and writing those down was quite a fun I had quite a LOL indeed - as so ridiculous to fear from for instance 'women would want to be with me all the time to do sex' what interestingly enough is also my desire as well.

So that kind of fun can come trough if one dares to pour out own self's accepted nonsense.

And this even might seem to be quite rigidly insane to write out to the world about my greatest desires and fears but hey, from this point - anyone would read this - have an opportunity to know me - not by my favourite movies or music or t-shirt - that is just the surface, the consequence - I can get fed up experiencing the surface of people quite soon - that's why I'd stick to desteni people - because they do not say so much bullshit - desteni people are quite brave in terms of what they are really doing - it takes gut and dedication to not share some nice glamour but some true real demonic shit - and actually how one walks trough and what one realizes and how walks the preparation and the living of practical transcendence.

And by reading I can relate - I can prepare myself if I would face such point in the future - and then becoming aware of the consequences - I can really decide what is the best outcome within the consideration of all - within self-honesty there is no such thing as choice only consequence.

That's why I suggest everyone who can to read some Desteni/Self-forgiveness/Journey to Life blogs each day - because this is real - this is real people facing real problems and not feeding the secret mind anymore about hiding behind curtains of our mind as thoughts, feelings emotions - what is proven to be quite limited, slow and in fact really miserable.

But sharing our mistakes, values, realizations, commitments, we are re-aligning ourselves with words - and making sure what words we speak we are always equal and one regarding to what we act - within the consideration of the best consequence not only for ourselves but all.

Also what I've noticed - that by sharing my greatest shit - actually I am pushing my limits - if anyone would not notice that I am dealing with this shit currently, then this is it - I am an open book literally - please read me and experience the words what I react to, experience my difficulties and my realizations and my process of stopping - what is the starting point of doing so - therefore also when you've read my self-dishonesty - and at a point I lose self-awareness about these points - who read it - can also realize what I am walking currently trough and assist if decides so or if required.

So

desire and fear
sir tear dear fear


The sure fare is that I can not experience desire without experiencing fear.

The reality of me is that I can not fullfil my desire without constant fear.
The fact is that I can not enjoy fullfilling my desire without suppressing my fear.
The problem is that as I am fullfilling desire I re-create the experience of fear.
The solution is to let go, give up, transcend all desires and all fears completely.

Especially woman and sex. In mind - physically it's quite alright - but in mind - any participation in thoughts, feelings, emotions(sorry girls;) about any woman or any sex and in fact anything - is not real - not me - but a strange secluded mirror-room-feedback system what is echoing me back all self-dishonesty what I've ever made - no escape;- we face all as equal as one as self each.

The most practical(cannot say 'easiest' or 'simplest') way to stop my program of desire and fear might would be to have a constant partner(woman to do sex with - experience instead of desire after experience) within self-supporting agreement. That would push me to face an other layer of self-dishonesty, but I walk points as self-accepted encrypted layers, one by one.

I've started to transform 'my' last relationship to agreement but it did not last as it was not Self-honest dedication and decision both of ourselves but it was of energy, what is coming and going - so it was over since long while. So yesterday we did something the first time together and facing the same responsibility points just like before, but first I've decided to walk Desteni Agreement Course(in lesson 4 currently since a while but it is worth each dime and moment to spend with), what is uniquely invaluable in terms of supporting ones to transform from mind-relationship to REAL relationship within the principle of equality and oneness - and not looping within dysfunctional parent-programming timeloops to intensify the already currently manifested consequences of self-dishonesty. Such as desire and fear within me regarding to woman and sex - not because I feel really shit all the time - but at times yes - and if I accept myself as hell, then I am responsible for this hell. So desire and fear - both must go as it is just an other mind-fuel-energy-layer to not take Self-responsibility in every moment.

So then woman and sex regarding to desire and fear would be one layer - and then when starting to walk this - another layers pop up - a some sort of origin - to have a desire to stop fearing from not having woman and sex - or to have -
but then can not be constant and consistent as the desire is fueled by fear to stop fear. Do you see it now? It's obvious that it's all fear - fear of self - as nothing else really can exist than self - so then what is this fear, how to stop this fear?

Here people say, the devil it's in the details - well, literally:
The fact that one can not really remember the past - is really specific - not because it is not important, but because exactly the fact, what really happened 'there' within and as the mind - as self - the exact layout and design manifestation of that fear.
How exactly it happened? How exactly I've reacted with what?
.
.
So then without fear - my desire is not started/fueled/activated to fear from not having woman and sex to then going towards woman and sex? Hmm...

Say hello to Ouroboros, the snake what eats it's own tail - the trap of 22.
Or 22222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222.

That's why Self-forgiveness. What is manifested, is already manifested, no escape - but what comes next - we can really decide by becoming aware of the self-accepted consequences with Self-forgiveness as individual and as humanity as a whole.
To stop all cycles. All programs. All personalities. All motivations must go - All self-definitions, all sacred geometry triangle self-definition manifestations I let go, remove, delete.

Only the 'I' remain as Self as Life.

I will continue with Self-forgiveness on the topic.

Also I've noticed that I accepted and allowed myself to have the tendency to post rarely but then long ones - here I am transforming it(myself) to rather being consistent to walk these points daily even if it means that I'll segregate.

Also I've started several topics to decompose within and as myself - drugs, spiritual agendas, responsibility, relationships, desire, sex, energy - and these are interconnected trough and as words as well within my life so I'll be walking these for a while from several different angles to pinpoint and cross-reference all the shit what I'm still timelooping yet being aware already. So - let's walk, enjoy!


 

[JTL] Day 9 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART V.

In the last posts (Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV - I was writing about how I've became addicted and defined and limited to pleasing woman and having complicated relationships what is not really supporting me and all others.

I commit myself to write and re-align myself to the actual preparation and scripting for myself to really change and be able to act and live and make decisions within my life what is in fact equally best for all.

This is walking the threads of the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All. Check out the Journey to Life blogs:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
http://humanitysjourneytolife.blogspot.com/ http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/
(and many-many more)

Join the Journey to Life group if you are ready to walk the mind to be equal and one with to have a chance to direct self according to what is best for all.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know and be aware of that I follow a self dishonesty within me when judging woman's about my perception about how great I can imagine to have sex with her even when she did not give me permission to me imagine her doing sex with me - and by the reaction towards that imagination I come to the conclusion of she is sexually attractive for me or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aware of that I follow and react to self-dishonesty within when automatically judging a woman about can I imagine her doing great sex with me or not and then acting towards her according to that inner judgment. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to this inner judgment about women to become automatical in terms of being able to see women as 'desirable sex objects with what I could experience great sex' or defining women as 'this is not my type for what I get aroused to'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the act of inner judgment of 'sexually attractive woman' - by memories and desires actually I am responsible for experiencing separation from the actual being who I allowed to judge within based on my past, where I came from as memories/experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within visual interpretation of my world - I am automatically defining and reacting to beings/things within 3D reality based on my already self-accepted self-definitions such as 'exciting woman body' and 'arousing woman's behavior' and 'stimulating woman's voice' - without actually being able to experience and 'have a grasp' about the actual being in front of me.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the act of self-definition I already accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my physical presence and direct experience me being here by allowing a system to operate within and as me for me based on my past's acceptance and allowance as manifested Self as Self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that each time I accept inner reaction and an other reaction to come after an inner reaction - without me being aware of it, me being the directive principle within self-presence and self-awareness - actually I am behaving as a pre-programmed organic robot within self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in the beginning I've defined facing woman as extremely stimulating as experience what I've reacted to extensively and within the reaction I've defined it as too much, avoidable, so I've came up with a systematically automatically reacting aspect of me through and as the mind fueled and directed by thoughts, feelings and emotions within the hope of gaining the object of my desire - in this case the experience of sex with a woman who I've defined as attractive.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within seeking partner for me I've lost within the experience of myself being the seeker and having the lack - and I've allowed and accepted myself as this seeker after experience - actually making me responsible for the 'lack of woman and the aspects what I've defined as separeted from me of woman'.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within seeking woman actually I am not considering myself but considering only the experience what I want to take refuge within as I've defined myself according to experiences instead of physical location and in fact according to reality with I am sharing with others as the physical.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to immediately and instantly stop when I realize the self-dishonesty within my starting point and actions - by wanting to 'walk through the self-dishonesty' to directly face the consequences - instead of being absolutely self-honest with and as myself that actually I've walked this path already, I am aware of where this goes if I fool-love this path, it is not me, it is not lasting, it is not what I really want, therefore it is common sense to stop and re-align with myself according to self-honesty as living the principle of what is best for all.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand that when I accept and allow a self-dishonesty within and as myself - by being aware of it - actually there is always a justification/excuse/denial with what I persuade myself that it's still cool, it might have the price of 'experience' what will last but actually never.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest in terms of realizing that I will be never really satisfied when going after women according to my sexual desire, because it is of a self-judgment coming from my past - when I never questioned myself and my mind, the validity of the experiences of my mind who I've defined myself to be since childhood through decades of continuous participation within thoughts/feelings/emotions by what I've validated the fact that once I trust to my own self-created, only self-experienced thoughts/feelings/emotions - I am not real because my starting point is of self-made up inner experiences.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/understand/realize that experience is not who I am, experience is what I've made up in order to justify to remain constantly occupied within and as my mind based on the self-definitions I've accepted and allowed myself to physically become.

 So I am walking through some points in my life wherein I've gave into the temptation of being mesmerized and paralyzed and absolutely occupied with experience regarding to sexual desire for woman. Within my blog, I've wrote quite some times about my sexual desire and the suppression of it and the inner reactions what I've accepted and allowed within and as myself, that actually I've never walked this point through by facing the core of self-dishonesty : being alone not being able to become who I really am, what I've defined as hollow because I've allowed this world's programming as myself: I need somebody to fulfill me because if every fucking programs in this world stating this then it must be like that, right? if billions of flies like eating shit, then shit must be real cool, same with those shitty famous pop music, right?

 If every second radio station plays those 20 times a day, they must be cool, right? Even when I hate that song, I can sing it easily, even when I am unaware of it, I sing it's melody, oh shit, why I love that song, because did I hear it 9999 times and I allowed my thoughts and feelings to react to it and who I've defined myself to be is this inner reaction system by completely disregarding the physical wherein my body actually lives...
So in this world, in this times, one can not have the excuse and justification of: but this is what everybody says so, acts so, strives for, pays for, dies for, so why do I even resist?

 Self-honesty, because I see that I am the creator of me, I've created myself as layer upon layer within my mind about who I am, what is my purpose and what I am hungry for as experience - noticing that disregarding my physical needs in terms of body and nurturing within actual caring - but being hungry for energetic experiences, even when it is just an experience what requires intense side work to have, even when I have to disregard my physical reality for a while, even when I have to lie to myself, even if I have subject-ize other fellow humans just because they have a genital what I've defined I am required for being 'satisfied'.

Some guys around me ask me sometimes, why I am still forgiving myself, why not just forgive yourself and then just go and enjoy? Well, because it's like a thread - I pull a string and it's just coming and coming out, the threads of self dishonesty within me - and actually the whole shirt of me is of 'self-dishonesty' what I wear as mind as myself and I can not throw out the whole stuff, because at the moment it is me, my skin, my blood, the whole package, self-honesty and self-dishonesty all together - and it is only possible one by one - and if I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest about a point within me - a desire, a fear, an anxiety or a discomfort or simply a 'disregard' for other fellow humans/lifeforms on Earth - so when I forgive - I unreveal a self-responsibility what I've abdicated since long time and the physical consequence is that I am here and automatically reacting within self-dishonesty - and actually when dropping the veil of a self-made up delusion - then it is possible that I will notice an other self-dishonesty within me, hidden behind the one I am actually forgiving - within and as my mind what I've accepted and allowed to be my god, believing the thoughts I experience as me, the feelings of happiness as me, the emotional shit as me - but in fact these are just internal feedback systems showing equal and one for me what I've accepted myself to became - a programmed energetic mind separated from the body, but requiring the energy of a physical body, using the physical energy of body yet disregarding physical by stating that love and experience is more real than the the actual human physical body and when experiencing loss and grief and sorrow, playing the dumb 'why me? why why why?'. and Then using this 'why' and reaction as an excuse for one is not standing up as all as equal as one as life within oneness and equality.

Even when many-many are walking an example how to deal with the mind within the consideration of 'What is best for all, really, really'. So that's what desteni people - destonians - walk - no more compromise, walking through the shit properly(even if it means many hours to walk through and give myself the gift of stopping, changing through and as the living Word as Self-forgiveness) once and for all - to make sure that within future expressions of ourselves - we are in align with the principle of 'what is best for all' - what is absolute self-honesty, but it is not just something what we can 'contemplate' / 'meditate' on - we have to walk the practical way wherein we ensure that we do not justify and suppress the shit we sit on as dumpheaps and call it as life.
There is no other way but becoming aware of our self-accepted consciousness system imprint on and as the physical - and self-forgiveness is here, free and effective within self-realization because we can mark the self-dishonesty points within ourselves with self-awareness and responsibility - to see when it comes again, who we really are, can we really change or we just say stuff but never stopping to reacting to the mind. The same mind within as energy as seeking positive as the World System Mind Consciousness of Money in the world seeking more revenue - the same - as long we do not realize this point is the same - we are but puppets of our self-dishonesty.

That after not really seeing successfully working and really caring relationships what last - everyone is of desire and hope and after all when one finds out, it's actually worse than being alone, then one will justify it until the last breath or until when brutal abuse happens, then being able to stop it and saying 'I did not know'...

So returning back to walking through being me the puppet of my self-dishonesty: The most relevant reactions coming up regarding to this are the followings:

-when I was kid and watching TV, deciding to want to have a beautiful woman as depicted in movies/novels/magazines.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that imagining my future and myself according to movies/novels/magazines about everyone can find their life-partner who with I will fulfill my desires and basically ensuring my experience of happiness what I've defined myself according to.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the starting point of media sharing images people to be attracted to is money and profit and no matter how I will react - it will be based on the starting point of people sharing media, what is of their need for money and within me reacting to these images and likenesses of depicted relationships and apparent beautiful experiences within human relationships, as to be with a woman for me - I'd even pay for getting this experience and then not realizing it that why I pay for things in this world because of this self-accepted lack of experience what I can transform into fulfillment by being affected and mesmerized by an image and likeness of a self-defined beautiful woman.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is nothing to do with the actual image and likeness of a woman about how walking with her would actually assist me and her within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that tv and magazines and novels are shared and pumped into our money-based world system as products because of people's need for earning money - actually by imprinting the idea of lack and hollowness without being obsessed with a partner within our head and being addicted and reacted to and in fact lost within the experience of reaction towars my possible future partner or my current partner.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I was a kid, my family grownup members did not know, were not aware of how actually they accepted and allowed the pre-programming and imprinting of me with these images and pictures and apparent needs and lacks within me by, through, and as TV/movies/magazines/novels.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family grownups for the fuckup what I experienced and turmoil within I've lost myself for years finding out who I really am among these self-accepted desires, fears, needs towards the images what I've defined that I need me to fullfil me instead of realizing that I am here as physical, experience will not last.

 When and as I react to a movie or magazine or a novel etc with inner reaction of 'I want this too', or 'this looks like fun' or 'this is who I am' or 'this is who I need to be' or even defining it as 'it is cool' - I am actually responsible for my experience of desiring after woman and sex and relationship.

 When and as I am occupied within thoughts, feelings and reactions and reacting to these within and as myself - I am unprotected from my self-acceptance and allowance as who I've defined myself to be and not even being aware of it - so within realizing any thought I follow, within any feeling I wave myself into or any emotion I experience - I realize I am accepting myself to automatically reacting to what I've defined as I am not aware of it, yet I am responsible for the physical consequence.

When and as I define a woman as attractive, I realize that it is because I've defined and formed who I am and who I want to become within human system, according to my and my perception of others experience based on reacting to novels/magazines/movies, so I realize this self-definition towards a woman as 'attractive' is basically irrelevant in the perspective of practicality and process of self-honesty therefore participating within such a self-creation actually I am the only one who is responsible and will face the consequence.

When and as I judge a woman as not sexually attractive for me - I realize it is because of this mind what I've gave permission within and as me as thoughts, feelings, emotions to tell me that she is not attractive for me because of how I've programmed myself towards being attracted to specific details like eye, face, body shape, hip/waist ratio and especially the clothes(or the lack of clothes).

See? So many point, a whole network is already being alive within me without me really needing to be present, just being reacted to and automatically reacting to images and pictures, as I've accepted myself to become.

When and as I react to a clothe on a woman as defining it attractive or arousing or exciting or any way I have an inner reaction according to polarity and not physical facts, I stop, I realize this is the moment when I can be self-honest and let all go and remain inner silent and act within trusting myself without thoughts, feelings and emotions.

-when I was with A. in basic school and how others judged her and me as two being special as 'good learners' and how I reacted to this and towards A. within energetic reaction 

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to others judgment within the fear that I can not see myself objectively within self-honesty but I do require others who's judgements I can react to and by that experiencing who I am and how I am.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've decided not to stand all alone within human system without being needed to be defined and judged by others because I've also defined myself as somebody who requires to judge instead of realizing that the starting point of any inner judgment based on any perception is self-dishonesty.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am a good learner instead of realizing that this just a label what people judged me and my bench-mate with because they allowed to judge people according to 'school scoring' and their reaction to school scoring - and not realizing that reacting to myself according to how I judge them about how they judge me is obviously an oblivion to live within and as.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as great by others because by that and only when I can have an inner reaction of judging myself as 'great' - to overbalance the energetic mind within myself as 'negative' with 'positive' by believing that this energetic mind of positive and negative I've defined as myself who I really am instead of realizing that it is only my self-acceptance and allowance for abusing who I really am as physical life by superimposing experiences within and as me and disregarding reality here.

When and as I realize I want to be judged by others - in any way whatsoever regardless of how - actually I am stating to Existence as myself that I can not stand alone with my beliefs, so please somebody else would confirm me that my beliefs are real, because by myself alone I am still seeing that my beliefs are unreal, but with an other telling me that my beliefs are real, I actually could believe in basically whatever I want, whatever I need to see myself to be pleased by myself in order to hide who I really am.

 -when others made fun of me because I did not know hat is this sexuality and after that one girl K, took me into the toilet and showed her properties and how it reacts to my touch

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing what others know and wanting to be like them to not to be judged by others as 'I do not know what they now' and thinking and reacting to with 'I am inferior' instead of realizing that it is just their knowledge what they believe to be themselves and if I start to worry about all what I do not know, actually I am worrying about what is not real, participating within what is not real, and in fact I am being influenced and directed by what is not real but only an experience and when the experience is gone, I will be faced with the consequence of defining myself according to what is not real.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a girl to come to me and give to me what I want because that I've dreamed about who I am and what I would deserve. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the idea when a woman approaches me and telling me that she is interested in me because it was the most possible way for me as a kid to have interaction with woman - because I never did anything to face my desires but always worked on suppressing it as myself - and the only hope I could keep up within me that one day one woman would realize my values and she would discover and 'get' me.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined approaching woman and tell her that I desire after her as avoidable because of possible outcomes of such an act I've defined not worthy, because when I would get rejection then I would be sure that I am worthless for her, and because if I could get acceptance then I would not know what to do next because all I cared about to 'get' the woman but then what - not realizing that who I've became is this hope and want for 'getting' woman - and without it actually being unsure what to do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that thinking about a woman is self-dishonesty - because thinking requires such an abstraction what if I step to do, I am reacting within me apparently towards her according to my already-accepted self-dishonesty as the steps of the thinking, what if I would dare to slow myself down and see really what I am participating within such as accepting my past-based definitions, my reactions, energetic movements within me, the memories, pictures, emotional highs and downs and it is basically nothing more but business - energy in, energy out, energy high, energy down and in fact nothing 'real' 'business' is happening with actually the subject of my thinking ('a woman') - as a real, physical being, only what I do is judging my already self-accepted judgments (as who I defined myself to be).

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see woman not according to how they express themselves in terms of practical living in this world but only because of my desire to have a woman who can stand in this world with me for long term.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my judgment of woman actually I am caring only about myself by considering my own experiences only.

 When and as I want to be judged or not wanting to be judged by anyone - I realize I've formed relationship within and as me according to thoughts, memories and energetic highs and downs within and as me and wanting to re-live, re-experience this relationship within and as me to have that reaction of energy to feel me alive because who I am actually without any feelings I am doubting myself that I might not be real.

 When and as I act according to others judgment or appreciation or dislike - I realize I am moving as a puppet according to my self-accepted mind as who I've defined myself to be through and as the continuous participation within thoughts, feelings and emotions since my emergence from childhood, so I stop, I re-align myself with and as the physical and let go all the thoughts, feelings, emotions and breathing here and acting here as physical within common sense.

 okay, next time in this topic, I will continue with these memories specifically especially how I give permission to what I've already defined as myself as self-acceptance what is in fact not practical and I've already walked it and am aware of it is not what I really want but within the actual 'flood' of experience within me - I disregard all my 'realizations' for a moment - what can not be accepted as excuse anymore.

 -when I was a kid and playing with my niece about exploring sexuality 

-when others made fun of me because I did not know what is this sexuality and after that one girl K, took me into the toilet and showed her properties and how it reacts to my touch 

-when defining myself being in love towards E., a girl in basic school one year younger and never really talking to her directly but as voices in my head 

-when finding and watching grandpa's sex videos and wanting to figure out wtf is this and why I am being stimulated to and how to boost my inner reactions to the degree of disregarding physical constantly 

-when talking to a girl in a lake first time and she was open and kind to me and the only I was able to focus that she was half naked and her tits -when going to boating with the neighbor Latina(gipsy) in bikini and how I did not do anything but suppressed it and justified 

-when in the tent I was with M and had desire but never allowed to show -when reacting to B-s cameltoe in high school and when she sat onto my thighs and being scared that she would realize how much I was aroused to her 

-when falling love at university to a girl who gave her attention to me and by that already defining it as desirable especially when judging her according to my already-existing desires based on pictures and memories as mesmerizing and arousing

 -when defining energy as my life-fuel instead of realizing that this energy I experience within my mind is seeping of from the physical body actually depleting it as who I am as physical life. 

-when falling apparent 'love' as inner experiences towards my later on wife at university and all the struggle I had regarding to this meanwhile I abdicated myself entirely

Okay, for now that's it, thanks for reading!

I am going to continue with an apparently 'other' thread 'abdicating self-responsibilities' - because that is currently bugging me the most as it has an impact on my physical body, especially as manifested pain in my right shoulder - but that is just an other pillar within me as self-acceptance as self-dishonesty what must be written out, understood, walked through, forgiven, re-defined within common sense and physically stopping participating within it and exploring what means living beyond self-dishonesty to actually take responsibility for myself as creation and the world as creation as equal as one within oneness and equality.

[JTL] Day 8 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART IV.

 In the last posts (Part I, Part II, Part III, I was writing about how I've became addicted and defined and limited to pleasing woman and having complicated relationships what is not really supporting me and all others.

This is walking the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All.

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I've defined my goal to get a magnificent and dream-tale-like beautiful woman and actually I am realizing to get it - it is possible - but then what the fuck about all my life which through I've defined myself as this 'fighting for my goal' - and when it's actually here then no more fighting but reached my self-defined "destination".

Destination as who I wanted to be but then what?

Then I continue from where I dropped myself to be undefined - a tiny kid - lol
and then no more goal but innocent self-exploration as the joy of simply I am myself as I am here
but that joy then I define myself with this experience of having me returning to innocence where innocence as not needing this nasty mind at all...

Because we are all know that being in the mind somewhere feels nasty really shitty really fucked up internal cage we rage within but we know that we do not get out as who we really are without the mind but within and as being able to represent ourselves within our so called society wherein really one can participate effectively when we are within and as the mind otherwise we can easily be an outcast, a disregarded or simply just literally destroyed by all others within and as the mind(as our human system does as us) so when I think and I am not totally obsessed with the topic as energetic storm within - then I feel this nastiness, what makes me feel a littlebit dirty even after a great orgasm experience when I was not myself as starting point without any knowledge, memory, picture, feeling, thought, emotion - this is really the red pill: Self-honesty.

From movie The Matrix wherein you once start to be honest with yourself - then within self-delusion
there is no more - real joy - what really means it never was but we perceived it to be.

And it is not about neglecting or disregarding joy - it is simply a decision walking really as not lieing to ourselves anymore and that means some self-dishonesty we start realize within our currently manifested creation as our individual physical life and our individual inner experiences and of course the currently manifested consequences within physical reality by our participation/actions.

Or to put it more simply - we start to realize our responsibility - and it's like I have a family(existence) who are starving(~a billion) and if I work I could have food but I am sitting here and drinking alcohol and feel better and shitty at the same time poisoned with this never-ending waving of positive and negative experiences - what are and how we perceive them as ourselves - not real and how the physical world IS reality.

and re-defining joy what is best for all
and re-defining life what is best for all
and re-defining ourselves as what is best for all

It is like in one breath I realize I am in a maze from reality and there is only one compass and that is self-honesty - and everything is based upon this - how self-honest I can be - that's it, all other of me are really irrelevant, whoever or whatever I was or will be - but if this fails, everything fails as me - but if I dare to be Self-honest with and as myself in all moments, then I can be sure that I am me who I really am - otherwise if I allow any dishonesty within myself, towards anything - then by that and as that I am of and as this consciousness system within what I am in a relationship and in fact limited by and as this relationship as who I've manifested myself to become within and as this physical reality.

Self-responsibility to get and realize our location - what is realizing our self-here-awareness within and as mind consciousness system, what we currently accepted and allowed ourselves to became.
And that location is simply manifested ourselves as our human physical body within and as who we are within and as this physical reality within equality and oneness.

And that is our location and when we fall into and as the mind, we stand up and re-aligning ourselves with and as principle as physical location and act within and as Self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to inner experiences and disregarding physical reality what is the most stable manifestation of ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to goal and purpose and without that defining myself as innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as innocence meanwhile having reasons and excuses and justifications of currently why and how and based on what circumstance I am not innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being who I am simply without any character and realizing that I had the fear that without playing roles and acting characters of and as the mind I can not have a partner who I've defined to be as my 'goal' and 'purpose'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have allowed the excuse that I need to be screwed up in order to have these energetic experiences within and as me what I've defined as then 'I am alive through these energetic movements' - what is simply self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined goals in my life what if I react or fullfil - I can be innocent and myself again but until that I am wearing this self-definition of and as the mind to get what I want within and as the mind within and as the human consciousness system wherein all are interconnected and interactive as Mind Consciousness Systems.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I've defined worth and value of women according to how I've defined outer beauty of a human according to the judgments and associations I've allowed myself to be defined through and as thoughts, feelings, emotions - with what I've idolized and totemized women as goal, as a tool for power, as what I deserve according to who I've defined myself to be since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider physical equality within human interaction according to principle of 'what is best for all' - by always striving for fulfilling my wants and needs and desires what are constantly popping up within and as my mind showing to myself equal and one with what I've accepted and allowed myself to identify myself according to starting point as fear of 'remaining alone, powerless' as self-definition and self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've made up a maze within and as my head by defining goals to reach and until that goal I can not define as 'fulfilled' - I am defined by and as this seek for this goal and by and as this definition I am limited by my own self-definition what is according to the 'feeling of lack of ...' what I've defined that it is me but manifested as somebody else and without that I've defined myself to be flawed, hollow and as 'something is missing' - meanwhile what is really missing is to experience myself here as who I am as Self-honesty within action.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined woman's pussy as my ultimate goal with what I can rejuvenate and rebirth myself as this energetic experience being me within this internal and self-defined relationship with pussy and the being who has the pussy but firstly defined the whole relationship according to pussy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to woman's genital and not realizing that by and as this definition I've limited myself and by that limitation I've manifested frustration within and as myself instead of realizing that everything what I experience as separated from me and I construct desire after it - is based on a self-dishonesty what was the starting point as already existing relationship within and as myself and the subject with what I've defined myself to be through and as relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've become obsessed with the pussy instead of realizing that the starting point of being obsessed with pussy was the energetic experience what I can have with it by my inner reactions and by the physical participation within sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard physical reality and within all beings by defining my experiences as more valid and real and interesting than reality what I am sharing with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my inner experiences regarding to pussy and sex and inner energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to the 'intensity' of energetic experiences within and defining myself as one is striving for compounding energetic experiences within and by and as that energy movement within and as me - I've defined myself who I am as this continuous interaction within mind-relationships according to associations and memories and emotions and the positive and negative polarities within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic movements being experienced by and as participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions and defining myself who I am according to the outer circumstances by and as I am having these energetic movements within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that specifically I've defined beauty as something what is physically separated from me and wanting to experience this beauty I've defined it according to and through and as women - and by that defining my experience of beauty according to women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the lack of energy for not experiencing woman and beauty as myself and by that defining myself as goal and purpose as becoming the person being able to have access to this beauty directly, physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being worthless and nobody when not being able to experience this fulfillment within and as the mind as relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to relationships within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I separate myself from beauty by definitions, I can only experience beauty through and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've accepted and allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to the mind to be able to interact with all other minds existing within this world because directly without the thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures, energetic experiences - when I was kid, I was unable to directly experience because of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed fear to be the starting point in my life to build up who I perceived myself to be, and not realizing that this fear is always here as I've defined myself and who I am and who I've became according to all definitions, within what the fear is still accepted and allowed as starting point.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've lost patience for getting what I want directly, therefore I've manifested this system within me what with I can perceive that I am skipping my own self-responsibility for what I am and what I do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the existing fear within and as me is already of and as the mind what with I've started to explore this world as I've beeing taught so by those who I've trusted more I've trusted myself here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the inner energetic experiences within me are related to the world system of money.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself inferior towards to this physical existence as I've perceived it as much-much-much bigger and greater and stronger than me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that feeling smaller and tiny regarding to physical existence is because of knowledge or self-defined lack-of knowledge of what is really here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define information and knowledge as value instead of realizing that physical reality is existing here regardless of information and knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the ability and experience of thinking, feeling, having emotions - what are not lasting experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all what I've defined myself to strive for as woman, money, fame, power - are of and as information and knowledge about who I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I've defined myself according to experience of lack of experience of something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as nasty, dirty as the mind when I am not absolutely Self-honest as these energetic experiences I am experiencing within and as my human physical body.

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I commit myself to stop all relationships within and as my mind with and by I've defined myself to be and to be only.

I commit myself to develop a constant and consistent presence within I can exist without energy, without any definition.

I commit myself to stop being obsessed and stop being obsessed with wanting to define myself not being obsessed with pussy.

I commit myself to share and show how exactly we fucked up ourselves with and as the mind by using it as a tool for hiding and avoiding to face ourselves from Self-honesty and Self-responsibility.

I commit myself to walk here as the physical and let go all what I've defined as I lack of.

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to beauty and stop defining myself to not being beauty and then needing to have somebody who I can define as myself as beauty.

I commit myself to slow down and breath and see the mind and when it moves, to absolutely stop and let it go and re-aligning myself with and as the physical reality.

When and as I experience fear - I stop, I breathe, I realize I am self-defined according to previously self-accepted definitions - what are of and as self-dishonesty, what is my self-responsibility, what I simply STOP and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to self-dishonesty.

When and as I give up who I am, when and as I change myself or pretending myself to be not as who I am to get what I want, especially woman, woman's attention, woman's body, woman's pussy - I stop, I realize I experienced myself as starting point as fear and the whole self-automated thing is for not needing to experience this fear as self-dishonesty.

When and as I realize I am not absolutely self-honest - I realize I will always have friction and conflict within me until I do not dare to explore what means to remain absolute self-honest in all moments breath by breath.


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So I am going to continue with my real time events since childhood according to women and how specifically I was responsible and self-dishonest by walking through my first relationships with women and how I've defined myself to be according to that and how my origin point as fear and self-dishonesty was suppressed by and as these intensified experiences and forgiving myself for the specific self-dishonesties what I came up with and resonantly still being responsible for as being influenced by.

Relationship Success Support @ EQAFE