[JTL Day 206] Tiredness vs Awareness part 6 - practicality

This is the continuation of the mind-tiredness patterns and expanding on impatience:

• [JTL Day 205] Tiredness vs Awareness part 5 - impatience

So I've been 'practicing' the moment of truth with myself so to speak, when at moments I need to wait yet I want to rush forward, currently pronouncing: with computers.

I mention it as moment of truth - in fact all moment is truth - but do we realize it?

When I am facing the point of friction because within my mind I want to rush while not being aligned with reality, kind of reality feels like drags me down, pulls back, or at least I judge it like that in my mind and thus judging it as bad and that creates the friction, energy, charge experience.

I have a cool example: I am using a browser add-on which allows me to set up my Stumbleupon account and be able to 'Like' a page simply with a keyboard shortcut - thus whatever page I find as cool Self-support, simply being able to add it to my Stumbleupon profile's collection.

Sometimes Stumbleupon just marks it as 'Liked' and adds it immediately but sometimes it loads a pop-up for clarifying that the page is safe for work, can be tagged, give a quote and more info about it.

Then a pop-up page appears where this can be set up and it recently changed, thus it does not load almost immediately, but mostly in 2-3 seconds. Also after filling the form when I send it - it also takes 1-3 seconds to send it and I have to wait while if I click away it cancels sending thus I literally have to stop doing anything.

Initially when this change happened and I tried to add a page to my SU. collection, I've had this reaction like 'holy shit, how long I have to wait' - and after that I've wrote my previous blog post.

I mean I was so impatient, that I've felt like losing my life on needing to wait for 2 seconds! Because in my mind I've defined this as a simple gesture when added to a keyboard shortcut, that is why those shortcuts exist, right? I just press and the machine gets it and then I am already 'on' my next moment.

But obviously many things happen meanwhile as it's in sync with my SU profile, checks the site itself, loads the form of extra questions, sends it, sends reply - being a programmer I KNOW that it takes a lot to manage something like this, especially in a multi-million-user system, like Stumbleupon.

So about this I almost started to form a judgement as a point of frustration - and then as writing all of these blog posts - I was able to slow down and stop for a moment and take a breath. It's just that - and the page's loaded.

And then I've realized what I've wrote about previously - it is always one breath to let it all go and be here, just be and remain here.

And we can be always one breath away from HERE, but sometimes to get here it's obviously a process, cannot be forced or just be changed in one moment within behavior, chain-reactions of automated, self-defined judgements we feel as it is who we are, but within walking Process one moment another, in a sense it is Self Here already walking and that is the most profound thing a human can achieve: to change and direct oneself one breath at a time and walk through the self-created mind-limitations unconditionally.

Within this it's to acknowledge that each written word about our mind, our relationship with our mind, behavior, the reactions, the realizations, the points needing to understand more, to see it before going into the same patterns, to stabilize, to slow down, to feel the presence - these all accumulate into a more aware, more present, more responsible human being to be able to direct ourselves to become.

I see that by writing this, I have the opportunity to forge this realization into practical ability to remain here and consistent within effective and present breathing to prevent myself going into reaction and at the same time to be able to intimately see what is the reason I am going into reaction and behind the layers there is always judgement, fear which is not necessary and in fact the opposite of real support for effective solution.

And the tendency within my mind to re-create and evolve existing patterns can still surprise me sometimes for instance when activating the Stumbleupon keyboard shortcut and coming this impatience reaction and within that automatically saying to myself: 'patience mode, breath' - and to realize it is already of a pattern which is in fact not absolute self-honesty, because there is still a reason, a condition, thus not self here is expressing but again: leaning on and hiding behind a condition, a rule, a judgement, separation, pattern and for that there is Self-honesty as a compass to then engage myself more within specifying the understanding for why I still do not remain here unconditionally, what is the reason, the memory, the self-definition that I still rely on more than absolute self-trust.

And for that the Desteni group, study material, the online courses and EQAFE lectures are the key support - to understand my creation and within that grasping the whole existence's creation and thus to be able to effectively walk through the layers of the mind consciousness system, which is indeed vast, but not infinite, difficult, yet the process, as Self is: simplicity.

Thus I specify and continue walking through the layers of the mind - also I still walk the DIP Agreement Course which is really a cornerstone of my self-support currently, thus I really suggest to check it out and dare to walk.

So - with the Stumbleupon point I wanted to give a practical example, which I will continue to walk with Self-forgiveness along with another point which is emerging recently.

When and as I sit in front of a computer I see/realize/understand that I have allowed myself to automatize my behavior, give permission my mind to react to self-defined conditions with positive and negative energy and allowing to accumulate into physical feelings, moods, tension and accepting those and not questioning, stopping and changing myself about those because that leads to inconsistency, impatience, tiredness.

When and as I sit down in front of a computer I stop defining myself and my attitude according to the computer's speed, capacity, responsiveness by realizing that I decide when to react to what within considering what supports me within self-honesty.

When and as I experience that the computer is slow, not responding, the browser, applications are not loading immediately, I breathe, I simply am here and remain undefined - I see/realize/understand that I am capable of deciding what I am going to do with the computer and once I decided it, it does not matter how slow it's going to take - I remain here, breathing, consistent, unwavering meanwhile directing myself and the computer - and if meanwhile it would take that much time what would not be common sense to wait, then I act accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware the point of self-acceptance and self-defeat within that not being able to decide when it is too much time to wait or embrace the computer's/internet's speed while doing something with it but defining rules and conditions to when and what to react and defining the accumulation of these reactions as frustration and when it would come defining it that it is not cool and then defining my relationship with this not-cool-ness to THEN do something about it and focusing to these reactions completely losing perspective and forgetting the fact that in fact I am not directing myself, I am not present, not here and also that I allow these self-defined reactions to tell me when it is too much, when I am being frustrated, when I should do something practical about the fact that it takes too much time to wait for the computer.

This is important - because in fact within self-honest walking with self-forgiveness it is clear that I've decided to accept each and every single reaction to become automatic and thus allow myself to be compromised by actually creating reactions what are not supporting, diverting my attention from the actual solution and becoming unstable, creating friction and making myself tired.

And the solution can be sometimes just accept that 2 seconds to wait when clicking - or when working with videos I face extreme amount of lag sometimes as it does what I do - mostly complex multi-layered hd-animations - and finding more effective, smart, doable workflows without reacting with so much unnecessary frustrations.

Also the solution can be realized also that I would need a better computer, a faster internet, if that's possible and then to consider how to manage that - another whole scenario can open up, for instance financial considerations - to find out how much it would cost to upgrade and if I can have money for that - is there any reactions in my mind on spending the required amount? If there is no enough money, how I could have such amount and what I would require to do and meanwhile be aware of what is the priority here.

I mean to actually do something in this reality it is mostly being able to work with limitations without being limited - which can also be judged as obstacles, something to resist to realize, face, overcome, solve - and also can be seen as challenge, fascination, like what I am going to face and realize about myself meanwhile walking this challenge, for instance within this to prioritize how to upgrade my computer and meanwhile not become frustrated but be able to be effective within it's usage.

Anything can be possible and everything can be compromised in the mind but one thing is certain - if there are reactions automatically, frustration, energies, instability, then we are not the directive principle but accumulation of self-acceptance, self-defeat, self-dishonesty, thus to walk through those also an accumulation is required: of self-direction, self-stability and self-honesty.

I write this meanwhile the computer renders a frame of a 15 seconds of animation in ten seconds, thus for sure it takes time but meanwhile I walk through the conflicts of the mind and remain here, directive, stable.

I will continue with more specific self-correction, self-forgiveness and self-commitment on preventing to react with the mind but instead of remain here, directive and breathing.

[JTL 150] Need for fight and win part 3 - Correction

Budapest - Ferenciek tere

Continuing the last post with Self-corrective statements to re-align myself with physical, living being to prevent mind consciousness to influence, stimulate, move me to explore what is here as reality within self-responsibility as the power of and as myself to remain consistent as the principle for what is best for all.
This writing is a step in the 7 Years of Journey to Life wherein we take responsibility for ourselves, our mind, our life and write the patterns to decompose, investigate and ask what is best for ourselves and for all and apply Forgiveness for and as self to change instead of blame, justify or hide. Sharing our inner mind we all can realize that each human is facing similar process to realize, stop, re-align and express within the interest of LIFE. I walk my process from thinking, doubt, fear into living, expression, action and let go all definitions, reactions which limit me to stand up for myself, for all life equally.
Hear some common sense from Bernard Poolman on Thinking and Secret Mind:

Mind and Consciousness can not be trusted as it is already infused with the starting point of self-interest, survival, fear, judgment, polarity, separation which blocks us to see what is really here to understand and be able to change as ourselves as equal as one to live a dignified life. So today I write about facing power, the definitions of power, reactions to power and how to correct I prepare myself to LIVE this correction in and as the moment. Writing is the tool which is being used for humans for scripting, screenplays, business plans, sales procedures, political speeches etc - so it is common sense to apply writing for Self-investigation, Self-correction, Self-commitment as well. Writing is PHYSICAL ACTION which is already SELF-MOVEMENT - not as thinking in the mind which is NOT SELF-MOVEMENT but self-acceptance, self-suppression. So this is why it is supporting.

For those who would like to live the real alchemy of words, to change worlds of and as self - there is this free online course for Self-realization:

DESTENI I PROCESS LITE

Also Desteni forum is for asking while studying the enormous amount of Desteni Material. I've got so much support that without it probably I would be lost or already dead by all the delusions I've participated within. So Check it out, I write Self-corrective statements here:

When and as I try to virtualize, model situations what happened before by thinking and reacting to thoughts and allowing these thoughts to just come and being stimulated to - I realize I am not present, I am not here, I am accepting already manifested nature of self-acceptance of neglect my responsibility for all what is here as who I am as life therefore I stop, I stop allowing thoughts, I focus to physical, I breathe, I let it go and re-align myself with what is physical, common sense within inner silence, remaining undefined.

When and as I define power as negative, avoidable, judging power with the polarity of thoughts, I realize I use the self-reflection tool which is the mind to define who I am so I stop, I breathe, I let all judgements go and I trust myself within common sensical doable application.

When and as I fear from power, from fame, exposure or wealth because remembering that I had this fear when I was kid and I was reactive and automatic I realize I am here today with the starting point of all life - I embrace everything what is here and I re-align myself with and as my human physical body and within my reality I apply common sense, I use simple mathematics such as 1+1=2 to accumulate which is good for all participants considered equally.

When and as I fear from something to do or face and try to imagine in order to prepare myself for facing it - I stop myself and I check "Do I have fear within my starting point?" And if so then I apply Self-forgiveness, I apply self-correction immediately and I script myself to prevent going into fear and I consider what would be the best outcome without thinking which if I feel not capable of then I use the tool of writing, I write everything out and I empty my mind and I understand what is here breath by breath and then I apply common sense within the consideration of all participants.

When and as I face possibility of expanding financially I let go all definitions and fear and worry of what if I would use this to serve only my self-interest and disregard all with excuses and justification as I see that financial status within my life is what determines my ability to move effectively within the system so it does not change my starting point automatically, only if I allow so or if I allow myself to be influenced so, and for that I trust myself for applying Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-correction, Self-commitment to live according to principle as 'What is best for all'.

When and as I judge people that they are wealthy and selfish and I feel envy I stop and re-align myself with common sense, physical, here and I realize it is not about how I judge others but what I can do and how I can live and who I really am and directing myself to accumulate within each breath and every single action.

When and as I define myself according to experiences and use experiences to tell me who I am I stop, I re-align myself into and as my human physical body, I breathe, I direct myself to stop, stop entirely until I am empty, clear, dark within and nothing moves me but I take responsibility to remain here, remain directive, remain myself in experiences undefined, stable, consistent.

When and as I experience energy, energetic experiences compounding within me which I judge as these will and in fact already changing me who I am from consistent, same self here within starting point of and as life, breathing, physical, principled being - I realize I participate in the judgements, mind, following thoughts, allowing reactions to define me, so I stop, I stop myself, even if required I stop my human physical body to move and I give myself the moment of breathing, letting everything go which is not physical self here and re-align myself to accumulate consistency here.

When and as I worry about what to do towards those who has power, wealth, exposure, fame and stability within the system who I perceive as 'opposition' - I realize it is because I judge them, I judge myself, compare, polarize, define and react with fear which I stop, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not powerful, wealthy, famous enough instead acting, accumulating within common sense which is best for me and for all life.

When and as I face worry, anxiety, fear which I can not stop with breathing, letting go, immediate re-alignment I commit myself to note, schedule time, write out and apply the tools of self-investigation, self-forgiveness to explore what I am unable to stop and specifically why, how I've created a pattern what I've given permission to within myself to influence, direct me instead of myself being the directive principle here as self, unified, clear, empty yet expressing breath by breath.

When and as I face judgements within myself as dark, evil, selfish I realize it is of fear, of polarity, of self-definition according to memories, experiences which are not here, I am here as physical body, flesh as life which is just here so I let go all polarity judgements and consider what would be the best outcome for all participants here and apply common sense within practical application.

When and as I do not realize that within judgement of evil, dark, selfish I create friction with good, light, selfless, it is not real, it is only mind-game, virtualization, which I let go and focus to practical application, common sense and consider facts here.

When and as i judge people within thinking who are obsessed with positive, light, nice, love as being lost - I realize that judging them is the reflection of I am separating myself from them, which is the same - polarity as me and them instead of realizing that I am all what is here in all moments to I let go definitions, I consider which is the most practical to support all life equally and I act according to that within breathing without judgements.

When and as I feel myself being influenced by positivity and negativity of people and would start to accumulate judgements and energetic reactions within myself towards them - I realize it is only me, just me who is responsible, as I react, I give permission for perceive separation and therefore I stop myself, stop myself judging.

When and as I face things what is not the best for all life - I do not tolerate, I embrace and live acceptance and I investigate, I study, I learn and I find out what would be the most practical solution to apply without accepting abuse, without compromising my starting point as all life here.

When and as I define power as money, exposure, fame, wealth, I stop, I realize it is self-definition which I limit myself with within the polarity of the mind, and I realize that the only power I can have is living self-honesty, living for what is best for all breath by breath and accumulate which outcomes towards a world within what all life is being considered equally.

When and as I feel the need for win, for victory, for domination I realize it is because I've judged myself as being lost, battled, dominated, so I let go the definitions and I use common sense what would be the best practical solution to manifest a world within all can win even if it seems idealistic - I consider to the core of the problem, I investigate the most influential existing systems existing within humanity what directs the outcome and I find practical solutions to accumulate which is best for all participants.

When and as I experience the energetic rush, adrenaline, feeling of winning, dominating and ruling - I stop, I let go the energy and I breathe, feel the body and I remain here, physical and consider what would be the best for all participants.

When and as I experience people who are obsessed with provocation, stimulation, winning - I remain here, directive, clear, present and I apply common sense and seeing it as non personal, even when I am being targeted - I remain practical, stable, calm and even if it is required to leave - I remain myself, consistent, stable and breath by breath I am here and consider what is the best outcome for all participants here.

When and as I do see within empty mind, clear, dark inner self that I do require to use tension and raise my voice - I remain here, directive, I do not define myself, I do not define other participants here - I trust myself and I prevent myself to go into self-definition according to experience and I express myself and use tension, voice until it is common sensically the best for all participants here.

When and as I do see within clear, present, empty mind that I do require physical power to protect myself or others - I remain calm, present, directive and I apply common sense in action and remain the same, principled, physical.

When and as I face anger and hatred I realize if I react to it - it is of fear - so I ensure I remain here, physical, present, directive and I act immediately and stand up for not suppressing anything abuse and if required I do leave without judging myself as defeated but considering what is the best for all life to live breath by breath here.

that's it about facing power for today

I've listened this very supportive EQAFE interview today, these are the real education for those who stand up as life as responsible for get direct support how to live within understanding in our crazy world today.

[JTL 125] Art decomposing word by word part 1

Continuing on the decomposition of TV-Movie reaction personality in regards to ART.

Art: beauty, deep, profound, transcendental, meaningful, moving, twisting and shivering

Why I defined to watch Movie, TV to satisfy my need for art based on the word relationships and became automatic within and as myself as the pattern of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

It is time to let go all definitions, boxes, judgments, perceptions, separations, desires fears from all angles: this time TV-Movie-Art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define TV and Movie as art automatically and defining art as Movie and TV regardless of it's factual content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define art as something deep, profound, deep, transcendental, moving, twisting and shivering and not realizing that within self-definition I am comparing to something and I am not experiencing it directly but in regards to the point I compare it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see movies as artistic perfection and wanting to see something what of each parts has been composed for the viewer and defining it as beautiful, nice, attractive, visualy compelling instead of realizing that anything value I give to it is me - so in fact becoming obsessed with art is becoming obsessed with defining, categorizing, polarizing, judging, comparing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that every form of expression can be referred as art so the word, meaning of word of art does not mean anything except the personal value people put to it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the word art has became money and it is measured by how much it can cash in some forms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the energetic experience of self-judgment projected to films and movies and defining, judging movies, TV-series based on my previously accepted self-definitions and comparing all the definitions, also checking my automatic reaction within me and if I feel that it moves me then it is value and not realizing that it is only something what stimulates my already existing, accepted value system.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within wanting to watch nicely made images, videos, scenes and people, landscapes and all of that - means that I want to feel positive, I want my mind to generate positive energy and by that to activate something such as beauty system and praising how beautiful things can be and not realizing that it is just me how I am programmed to react to that particular imput.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that my relationship with art and with the word art and my memories towards art can influence, direct me today automatically if I let it react, move, stimulate me and I react with thoughts, feelings, emotions: that are not myself directly but the reflection of self-dishonesty of separation of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the people who made things in this world and currently being promoted as art should be something as important, relevant, extraordinary and meaningful not for themselves and some but for all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my strive and devotion towards art is because I've defined myself as not artist type and wanting to experience artistry and when I am not expressing myself within creative application - I define myself automatically as not being artistic therefore wanting to experience something artistic, such as visuals, audiovisuals to have the experience of art is making me react.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within stopping expressing myself I strive towards the words I define myself to be yet not living equal as one therefore a desire I form which through I am separated from the subject of my worded separation and wanting to stop the experience of separation even with the experience of reaction towards the perceived art: because within that perception and my reaction - it feels like I have direct relationship with art - not realizing that it is only perception THROUGH the mind, not direct physical experience undefined, not judged, embraced as equal as one, but separated through thought, backchat, feeling, reaction, memory which are not here physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to art influence, change me in a way I never could myself so hoping that with art I can have beat, a change what I could never step myself but with the feel, reaction to it - through the mind - feeling empowered, energetic and encouraged to change and never realizing that to change I must be here and understand fully from what I want to change and how to practically do it, not just hoping of some art will have an impact on me so strong that it will change me.

When and as I face and see, experience art - I remain here, undefined, breathing in and out naturally without a need of thinking, feeling - I directly allow myself to be just here.

I commit myself to face and stand art as undefined, no judgment, no comparison, no thought, no feeling - simply me here and the art - whatever it would be: film, painting, music, sculpture - I stand, I experience, I remain here, empty, silent, quiet while remain present, clear, calm.

When and as I deal with art - I realize who I am is my starting point, who I am within what I am doing and I realize the greatest art is to act in all moments equally to what is best for all, practically.

[JTL 118] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 5

Continuing on TV series, movies mind mechanisms series:

[JTL 114] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 1

[JTL 115] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 2

[JTL 116] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 3

[JTL 117] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 4

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and fear that I am not existing without a self-defined experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive towards experience what I can define and within the energetic reaction of definition, defining it as living and as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust experience separated from me and using judgments, definitions, thoughts, feelings, energies to have a relationship with experience and by that defining who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experience continue if I feel and define it as positive and want the experience stopped when I feel and define it as negative.

I forgive myself that I have never questioned my feelings, reactions, definitions, thoughts, judgments about what I experience and not being able to see that the experience is not who I am but what I physically react to experience is who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with judgment, feeling, thought, energy towards abuse, murder, horror and within that having the experience being separated from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction towards an experience and form habit from that and then form a personality and then live out that personality as who I perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to consider that experience coming from TV, Series, Movies and I react to it - is similar in my mind how I react to it as I would react to physical experience.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that feeling somehow by experiencing watching abuse, murder, horror within film, movie is influencing, imprinting with automatic reactions, with fear and never considering that it has an impact to my perception, to my personality, to my physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider the utmost importance within parenting children to not pass by the sins of the fathers, meaning the mind-thought-fear mechanism and never considering that it is not life, it is against life, it is in fact the opposite of life: evil because it will cause separation, fear, suffering and destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that education and parenting the children is the only way to bring about a change within humanity by giving an example to them how not to react with thoughts, fear, with personality and feelings of the mind but with Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness and direct physical expression and not accepting fear and separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share unconditionally the realizations that the solution is for the fallen human is to unlearn, to forgive, to let go all relationships within consciousness systems through investigation and cross-referencing each point we hold onto within our mind as values and stand together as group to not accept any exclusion of any living being to consider here equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within fear one stops self-expression, stops trusting self being here within presence but goes into the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions which through feels separated and secluded, alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear within and as me through defining positive and negative polarities as value system of who I defined myself to be and never questioning it and never ever questioning being and living without this polarities of judgments of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use TV and Movie to stimulate myself in order to have experience within and as my mind through polarities of self-definitions and at points not being able to see what is reality and what is in the TV and Movie by simply experience tension, energy, fascination, worry, fear regarding to what I see and hear and how I judge it from my own self-defined life's perspective by thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form relationship within my mind with the persons acting in the TV, Movie and defining them from my perspective, my personality, my interest, my definitions, judgments according to polarities, as qualities as positive and negative.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my feelings, thoughts towards persons in Movies, TV are not the same as towards real people but the way I formed those are the same: not real, made up, I made myself believe that these reactions are about them, the persons, actors in TV, Movies - or about the people who I am in touch in reality - meanwhile all I experience is my self-defined reactions based on my self-made up values.

Continuing on TV series, movies brainwashing series: - See more at: http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/10/jtl-117-tv-series-mind-patterns.html#sthash.hMWEjlyF.dpuf

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define persons in movies as sympathetic or unsympathetic based on my values and judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define an actor, a person in a TV, Movie as more interesting, more fascinating, more entertaining than my reality and become attracted, addicted to watch, hear and react what I can see of her/him on TV, Movie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with actors and their roles within movies and defining worth and value based on the self-definitions, thoughts, feelings, emotions I experience towards them when I watch TV, Movies about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form relationship within and as myself towards actors, persons in movies, films based on feelings, based on how they look and define them as attractive, as role-model and example for how and who I must be, express and live myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy experience within and as my mind and regardless of positive or negative allowing it to fuel me and drive me and influence and control me without exactly being aware of the details how I am reacting without my understanding, permission.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that defining watching Movies and TV as entertainment without being aware of how and specifically what I react and knowing the why: means that I am programmable, I am being influenced and my personality can be manipulated and stimulated to act according to the Movie, Film I watch and react to.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all products showed in Movies and Films I see and define as good, cool, interesting, fascinating, entertaining: I am being advertised to to react to, to like, to desire for and manipulated to buy.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself the self-deception to think that it is alright to watch through a 2 hours bloody and aggressive action movie about killing and think and believe that it is not influencing me while for an early night advertisement for ten seconds people buy millions simply because it works, because it influences, stimulates, suggests, controls.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware that all I see in Movies and TV is a product being sold and if I am not able to remain here, calm, empty, self-directive but going into judgment, thought, feeling, reactions: I am being manipulated and brainwashed with my own consent with my own mind, with my own allowance, with my own permission to be formed, shaped as TV, Movies stimulate me to.

to be continued with Self-correction

[JTL 116] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 3

Continuing on:

• [JTL 114] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 1
• [JTL 115] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus only to experience of images and sounds and disregard physical presence, physical beingness, physical facts here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define film, movie, book, comics experience as interesting, more interesting than reality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into polarity in terms of interesting and not interesting and comparing images and pictures on TV, movies with my physical life and defining images and my reactions towards images as more interesting than being here - and defining interesting as a goal, as a fascination, as a priority and not realizing it is a self-manipulation to pull myself from being here into the experience of the mind through picture, image stimulation based on already established, self-defined, self-accepted definitions of the mind through thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel separated from experience and defining experience as who I am and by that defining experience by my judgments, reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to positive experience and wanting to continue the experience of feeling positive without questioning what I am doing here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experience of watching a story, a TV series as interesting and fascinating and defining my interest to explore, watch, experience, react more of this TV series experience and defining who I am according to this experience, this reaction to this 'TV series watching experience' and my reaction to 'TV series watching experience' and layer by layer physically programming myself to be this as action and reaction without questioning and applying common sense and consider the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind and be the starting point of experience, the experience of TV series, the episodes, the depicted events and scenarios and defining myself as who I am according to how I react to these experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know more of the story of the TV series so much that after an episode automatically wanting to see the next one within curiosity and defining it as entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define characters in TV series and Movies according to polarity, as positive and negative and identify myself with the experiences of these characters and reacting with feelings, thoughts, emotions towards these the same way as I allowed myself to react to real human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to experience more about TV series, Movies characters who I've defined as fascinating, attractive, interesting, cool, brutal, groovy, smart or any label or definition I define them what I enjoy watching, reacting to.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I experience desire and fear when seeing events experienced by characters of films, movies and not realizing that by automatic reaction I am programming myself to behave the same way within similar real life circumstances and not considering the responsibility to stop myself when it is not the best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live out suppressed desires by seeing and reacting to film, movie characters what they do and I wanted to try, do, experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe that seeing abusing, hurting, killing people, animals within films, movies is alright, normal and not realizing that it is influencing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to acknowledge that how I have been formed who I am today according to movies, films and never considering to investigate and being intimate with myself to explore who I've became by these definitions what is not LIFE, what is not really who I am as Life.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the Self-honesty within stopping defining myself in relation to films, movies and never realizing the consequences of such influences within my real life events, experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I react within through thoughts, feelings, emotions towards films, movies - I am within separation, judgment, which is the action of not being here, stopping being present, direct and live but use the mind to filter, process and influence, control me through the reactions based on my accepted self-dishonesty relationship with the point I judge, define based on: always: fear.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that when I am reacting within fear and allowing fear, programming fear through films, movies and not considering to stop, to not participate, to purify myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within watching TV series - the episode will wait if I do not continue right after one episode to watch the next one - and the only thing I am rushing to continue is to continue to have the experience of watching it, being lost in the experience of watching it, not wanting to be here, within presence, within consideration of facts of who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically want to continue an experience of TV series until there are episodes and until I can continue and not realizing that within the experience I am not after the story but the experience of not being here but within constant reaction.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that real priorities are here within and as the physical and to disregard that already indicates that I have formed and programmed myself in relation to experience which is the result of judgment, polarity, fear without being aware of it therefore not questioning it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the pattern within wanting to rush into an experience to just going through it to be 'free of it' and not realizing that after the experience is gone - I am still here with the relationship with the experience and by that inducing and creating a lack, a feeling, missing something what I automatically want to fulfill based on my past, based on self-acceptance, self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down within watching TV series, Movies and see what I experience and why and be able to question and stop.

to be continued

[JTL 114] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 1

So it's like There are Episodes, Seasons.

These in general come week after week/month after month.
And Movies are not quite the hype in these days, but most of the people watch series.

More suspense, longer story, deeper character building, bigger tension.
And somehow they just happen to end an episode right after something very fascinating about what will happen in the next moment.

I'm kind of the guy who rather waits for a season to finish first and then watch them consecutively than wait for the story week by week/month by month - I want to direct the speed of walking through the story.

And when I am off sick or particularly I am alone at home, sometimes I am not directing myself watching these series but I am hooked on and simply disregard my priorities, even if it is tiredness, health issue or simply my commitments, work to be done.

And that is obviously what is being addressed, investigated and corrected within these writings here.

In the beginning I was watching series what seemed like secrets unfolding to learn for instance about micro expressions and that was fascinating but then I've realized, there are more dimensions within this devotion to TV series for me.

What is the separation I project out as missing from my life what I want to see on screen and why?

So the first one was Heroes - that fascinated me with a possible future scenario of mutant superheroes and it was cool and these normal guys just happened to have special abilities all of a sudden, what is all kids dream about: to just transform from this normal, average foe to a superhero - or super villain who is way above all others and basically can do anything, except when conflicting other superheros/villains.

That I've started when I was kid - I always felt myself different than the kids around - I was mostly thinking while they were playing around - I have seen this as an extended mental ability which through I could process much more information faster than them and by that I've felt myself superior within - however in the meantime I've felt myself separated, less effective with physical things, especially lack of muscle strength, so I've came up with the idea that my muscle is my mind, that is my weapon, that is my power.

This leaded to thinking more, much more and in a way it was maybe helpful with certain subjects but with most of it not at school - but I was very suppressive, nervous and anxious most of the time.

Especially when realized I was not in the interest of girls, regardless of being favorite of teachers - I just could not manage to grab girls or if I did - it was like a split second and I was unable to speak properly, I felt shame for the great desire towards them as subjects of my hunger for obtaining, wanting.

So this mentalist guys, the psionic, the very smart people who were played well meanwhile being super smart always got my attention - especially those kind of role models in movies, TV series.

And these TV series have their own story, and by that story they unfold new aspects of their life of superpowers what fascinated me.

Also this STORY what intrigues me, like I want to know the END of it, what will be like, and who will WIN, what will be the perspective beyond the last episode - or is there any last episode?

I mean lots of successful series are continuing and just rolling forward and the story is being created throughout the seasons and their only interest is to compel the people to watch the next episode as well.

Because then their work becomes more important, they can get more view, meaning more episodes the Studio get financialized, meaning the Film Crew can get more JOB, days to work on and they can WORK on and on and on meanwhile in fact they enjoy themselves, living in a specific kind of DREAM world, they earn MONEY for it and even better, fans love them, adore them, totemize them, they seem like real heroes in their eyes.

This also happens with movies, but only with the most successful ones, the rest are just popcorn ballast, after a hard, shitty workday, people just buy the ticket, have some action flick wherein some ass is being kicked in a cool way with some groovy sentences exchanged, car chases, explosions and cute faces, great tits and then move along.

When I was kid I watched TV series, kind of liked the story going on, it was this curiosity what drove me to watch the next one - and many times TV series do not work out all the details just like Movies - for instance a bank robbery, many times they just symbolize it, and it is enough - of course the big, cool ones are working the effects out perfectly, but they not necessarily have to.

The personalities, characters, the interactions, the credibility, the BEAT(change) within people what was always interesting for me - how they will get along with the situation, whatever it is - superhuman abilities, alien invasion or just solving a murder case by watching facial expressions.

Many angles this opens up and it is in handshake with cinema/movies - but the TV series are like long term relationships while movies are like one night stands - so movies has to be more perfect and more flickering and more unusual - even in the color they look like surreal in these days - extremely wide angle, oversaturated colors etc but in the TV - it can be normal - just to be a bit more interesting than our normal life - facing daily life stuff what with we can relate - and then facing unusual stuff - or who knows - I've never been in those romantic series but that might just happen without any unusual stuff - just the WAY they show it, they arrange it, they choose the words what they say, the camera how approaches the events, the music/score/sound effects how they art it together - it is just like fascinating.
Especially when we hear in the news about catastrophes, govt scandals, extinction, famine and war every day - we just want to be ENTERTAINed, right?

Well, there are some angles in relation to my experiences towards TV/movies what I will share here to support and assist myself and others within Self-honesty to change my Series/Movies watching from Reactive to Directive in terms of I am remaining in the center of my beingness as presence in breath meanwhile what the Series/Movies bring up in me I can walk through as Mind-reaction within Self-honesty.

What is also my direction here is to not become overwhelmed with the Series/Movies - meaning not allowing to ruin my priorities by 'alright, just watching one more episode, as it is so interesting at this point' - by realizing: 'Well, it will just intensify until the end of the Season' - and many times they 'close' a Season with bringing up much more questions to make people strive and demand for the next Season to see those questions answered and unfold the story more and more and see how this will end.

Typical example is Lost - when it came out many people watched it and I resisted just because if so many people watch it, I certainly don't - and after watching Fringe through what I liked - I was curious about the maker's other works so I tried Lost, but what people told about it was like not so cool:
-Well, it is cool in the first, maybe second Season but from that it is just more and more weird and crazy and nonsensical.
Of course it was nonsense, I was living in jungle, I had taste of real nature and surviving and I grew up near to nature in village, made my own food, fed animals etc - girls with make up, guys with shaved face/chest and fat dude remains fat and they never do normal stuff like toilet or wash clothes only run around with great tension - obviously not real - but the story they pointed the attention to was fascinating for me.

So I watched through some time ago and I understood it quite well and made sense for me.

In the first season there were no answers, not even in the second, third really but then it can make some sense - but for real solution, understanding, resolution - one had to watch through almost to the end, the 6th Season where then it made sense - at least for me.

But it is the same with the mind: one can just observe the reactions, experiences, feelings, but has to see beyond to start questioning.
Then one can start notice the thoughts, backchat, the reactions, the conditions
After that one has to question how and why a certain reaction comes and then can wonder about how to stop it practically.

And after that when starts to stop the automatic program within - starts to really understand what is what one is facing when resistances come, when automatic reactions come so fast that one must investigate further.

Further and further when the whole construct is here - through it's relationships and word-connections, memories, feelings, thought-patterns - all is here - and one is able to stand at the middle within silence and say: STOP and actually stop - and remain stopped and see what is beyond the stopping.
What is the reason of that particular automatic mind-pattern, what was it's origin, it's reason, purpose and what another thing one can discover beyond that.
So then it is also like a Series, there as Seasons within Self-honesty and more and more questions will come and more and more will be unfolded and seen, realized, understood.

But one must have to be practical - still go to work if required, still eat, sleep, clear dishes as it can not be done in a long weekend.

Also the tendency for me when I realize about a pattern that it is consuming too much energy: TIME - then I try to push it, and putting more energy and time into it to 'FINISH' it - computer games I had this to play through, and also when my relationship with my partner did not work - I pushed more and more time and energy into it and eventually I was quite obsessed with it and nothing else I did not care about within the belief, hope and interest of 'sorting it out once and for all and then I will be in peace'.

Also when I smoked - oh shit I've been smoking MJ so much, just doing it 24/7 - I should just smoke it all tonight so then tomorrow I will not smoke it because I won't have.

But the problem was that who I defined, constructed, manifested myself to be as physical human being within interaction it's environment with others, things - that I did not change - the starting point I did not change, so then when I did not have 'entertainment' as Series or 'drug' to push - I automatically created the same circumstances again: even when I decided not to start a series or buy drug - somehow I had stuff, somehow I've seen an episode from something and then I was on the ride again - and then just rushing to it's end and even not really enjoying it because seeing meanwhile that it takes so much time and that I do not really have.
So it's a hamster wheel if one allows it to become especially combining smoking with series - definitely requires some Self-support to stand within Self-direction based on Principle.

It's all about the patterns one allows self to behave, act, interact with-in self, with- out others.
Especially when considering not only Self-interest, but ALL LIFE Interest, being able to not just think, feel according to the goodness of others as well, but actually, REALLY be able to ACT according to WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL - in the economic, political, educational realm of our society.
So all can be reflected back to the question as: WHO I AM? In and as this very life I am being busy here on Earth - and what will remain when I will be gone - and certainly will be gone - only the fool can not comprehend that - so be able to understand that what will remain is the PHYSICAL reality - then one can consider COMMON SENSE and FACTS to work with and support all the children to come who are open, innocent, living beings just as we started here equally.
That equality must be realized, respected and lived so whatever is the pattern within us what do not support to act according to that practical equality - must be sorted out with the tools of Self-support, such as Writing, Self-forgiveness, Self-correction...
That can be started with the DIP LITE course, which is a great way to start exploring what requires to stop the patterns what do not support us, others.

To be continued with Self-forgiveness statements to become aware of the patterns of Self-dishonesty
Meantime I suggest to check out

• EQAFE
• 7 Years of Journey to Life

[JTL 105] Ranting on the word TRUST

Investigating the meaning and ranting about the memories about the word: Trust

I start with how I've defined trust: being able to rely on something or somebody and then it's there, more precisely: it's always here when I need, so something what I expect, I hope, I want.

Several times in my life I actually concluded to the point that I do not trust myself.

Those were moments when I realized I am utterly shattered as myself and literally became physical consequence, nothing more.

For sure I had apparently 'free' choices but within Self-investigation - I realize choice is never really a choice - especially when it is predictable. Or when just to prove not to be predictable to choose what is not predicted - is still of consequence, accumulation and influence.

It is always common sense what is the real deal: If choice exists, why do we not choose always what is best for all?
Is that worthy? For who and for what and actually why?
So if choice is deliberately to harm and abuse: how is that really free?

Who I am is of choice? So then what I am is of condition and then what is real of me?

Or is that a journey to find out what I am not, then who I really am then again: not of choice, but actual process of realization of who I am is not of choice: and then I am who I am, and if I could choose who I actually am, then what is what really choosing but already myself?

So this choice thing is really ridiculous, considering to be able to choose what is best for me, especially within the consideration of what is best for all. Because then choice is nothing but of consequence - again - and then what is best for all is always obvious, if we are able to consider the facts and take responsibility for who we are actually.

Actually to take responsibility for this big chunk of organic material which is typing currently is merely a choice - as you as well consider this as a possible point of self-reflection of how you ended up reading this right now in this very moment?

What points you walked through and directed yourself by and made being able to pinpoint the very decision what you, yourself made to read through this writing and who you really are within it?

I mean I am not fully aware of this either, but I see how I am acting based on the decision to write. Walking Desteni I Process Lite actually assists me within Self-realization. That is undeniable. Out of choice.

I am translating and within translation it is like I am really squeezing the writing through myself to be able to come out the best possible way to express it with the language I always used as my primarily, natural one - however as within writing I am actually and PHYSICALLY slowing down within and becoming the words I write - in this moment I type this - and this and then that: Hello there! Actually ~HERE~

I am these words within my mind and by that I am not in the super fast graph-thought-light-halo which is kind of untouchable and immaterial yet always surrounding and thought and reactions come one after another so fast I am barely aware of it - no.

Within writing I am slowing down to the physical - literally, like I must otherwise I can not type with full presence - otherwise I just think 100 things and write something about it:

Okay, I can try it: now I try to think and imagine stuff while try to type:
india ex trap realize awake

- you see - these are the keywords for the dream I had in the morning and I have tons of details about that dream, actually it was quite vivid, still - but within thinking through - I am so fast - and the reactions I had - I felt the energy arise in the body regarding to the memory and the lots of words, thoughts, pictures, feelings, the events, the story in that dream - and then I am here.

I know what I remember and what I understand about it - but to actually see - I write it down and by the words I see and I ground myself to the physical and I am stable.

And when reaction comes - I see it and I am still here - not like for one thought/picture - dozens pop up and for that dozens another dozen times dozens - that people trust - and then they feel, react and when it is good then they feel good, and when it is bad, they feel bad - and then they get used to it and that is sort of really fast and then in fact automatic - and then is that still of choice?

The actual associations coming up to specific words are still of and as choice, one by one? For instance the frequent words people use: What then pops up for these ones: Love, trust, fortune, value, taste, energy ?

See - my word of Trust has became automatic, so I acknowledge it: that it is not best for me and best for all either - and I do not say anymore I doubt myself - but I realized until I do not purify and re-define and specify the MEANING of the word TRUST - how can I trust anything?

So for me seems now as a pretty much foundation to investigate.

People do not like to investigate self, right, because that sounds like analytic, decomposing, like ruining the fun of flow, the moment, the feelings - as the religious, spiritual agendas also:

"Do not analyze too much, just ride the tide, blow the flow and feel the dragon of god or buddha or virgin mary jane or king of c(h)oke Ra.

Caution! Achtung, Warning, Attention: Self-automation ahead!

I mean if I really start using common sense on the religion material (any - even as: religion of Self) - I might start question too much and then I am unable to feel the deal, missing the point what is non taken but who am I to judge all mantras but even after all I tried and then I do not say it's bullshit but for me it's really bullshit: then some say I was not enough serious(or was too serious), I did not do enough, did not do it properly or still much to do for some several hundreds of thousand times before eating the fruit of the attainment of awareness.

Well, seeking for awareness, speaking for the devil: look at here: the physical is real. Touch yourself, the chair, the screen: it is fact. Fuck the space in the atoms, be gentle with denial or try with the brick wall, it stops you, test it: that real!

The most stable, reliable, consistent and assisting reality is this, the actual factual, mutual interconnectedness of everything revealing thing is what we have here and we can always reflect back, realize and directly become really aware of who we really are and where we are within our journey of existence: through and as this physical wherein we are all busy breathing all the time. This breath is physical, this is the Life in and as Substance what is here and we are separated from as ourselves through consciousness, energy.

Anything what is disregarding the priority of the physical is apparently self-made choice to go into the mood of flood of the consciousness of mind of energy, which is and always will be inferior and conditioned to the physical existence.

Energy is always of friction of this separation operation of consciousness from Substance.



So - - - - is it MY choice to see what I consist of and entail as the definitions, memories of the word TRUST?

How can I be anytime sure that it is myself who is driving the wheel of my eventuality and what precisely I can refer here as 'myself'?

The more I walk this Self-investigation - the thinner I see myself as 'me' and the bolder I see the Principle of Equality and Oneness as Life - and I am merely nothing but of consequence of energy of words - but as I stand - I find myself as an Individual expression equal to all - and that I walk, and share here.


This could be an introductory for the word: Trust, not much as decomposing but actually playing with the words - or the words play me?

Memories of trust:

I trusted 'my girl' with not cheating on me - and then she cheated me as I cheated her already but only in mind and I kicked her out of my bed, and then years later the same again she cheated me, but this time I already cheated her with my relationship with drugs, not with thoughts of girls: and kicked her out of my flat. Blame game trust of frust rat I was on the fly.

Sad, little heart has broken, well not really, but actually I learned not just give trust towards I hope will be worthy for - it's like the sell fish business: I put my money into something what then comes back more than I did put into(just as a child comes out from the hole I enjoy to stick into: apparently now here; well to make sure it is really good for the children to come, be the con-sider at I on insist and suggest to investigate Equal Money as viable Solution which is Best for All).

So then I trusted with guys who lived with me as we agreed on rent fee to share and they could not afford it and I always said fuck it, I am that good and they eventually bailed out themselves from that situation with their remorse and I was like, be friends, I do not care about some dozens of thousands, well - I will be more rich later on anyway!

And the askers came and I gave, shared, lent, gave away with sympathy and the trust thing was like alright, I trust my goodness here, I am such a great to lean on, come on everybody, free dope for anyone, we do not even lock the door, here is my cabinet, sure, bring your friends as well - oups where is that bass guitar what I've been given to and now it's gone and who is she anyway, looks familiar, alright, I am that good in those parties, it's always alright when the money comes that easier or even for free...

Trusting in the moment, the flow, the reality, the existence, the god, the energy, the drug, the siddhas, the lama, the guru, the acid, the crystal, the hat, the stem, the buddha, the friends, the artists, the girl, the experience, the pain: such a lame deal to figure out in the next moment what is so utterly bursting the bubble of immaculate perfection and the rock below the ocean is really scaring the shit out of me when I think of mother in the last moment and then I am still here and recon-sider my opposition on this word I sandcastled my thin, fragile nirvana to: Trust: I never trust you again!

Self-separation is of polarity of mind is of self-mutilation with each thought can be really personal and intimate but hey: no thing is new, all is the same repeating and accumulating since of the beginning of the sin of our fore- and fore- and fore-fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers we are all here equally in the same boat in all ways, any ways.

So that's about trust for today, I trust facts, physical, as self, so here+now returning back where I was, I just had to push this through and to say I enjoy writing like this, after all it is still a feeling what mostly I do not share because I see the shark teeth in it as biting my body with this energy and keeps me losing if I count on this kingship of consciousness, as an example of disregard practical common sense as fact as the physical.

So I will be continuing on Self-forgiveness on the word and memories about: TRUST and also continuing with the post: reacting to women, as I just started with make-up last time and what else I react to with energy what I do not require anymore but I am going to PREVENT. And I do not fear from it or defining it bad - I just let it out from my system and then I can directly experience it as physical, not as reaction in mind with energy packages separating myself from equality and oneness here.

[JTL 88] Be Change instead of self-judgment

 

Continuing on:

•  [JTL 87] Understanding and be direct change

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within judging things about me as positive or negative I am becoming who I am as judgment and definition and giving permission to the very condition within I've allowed to judge myself to define who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand the common sense to change myself instead of judging myself as negative within self-acceptance by self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see the common sense to change myself in aspects what I did define that it is not who I want to be because of definition of that is who I am and that I do not like, accepting a relationship within separation with me.

This is part of when started to vlogging in 2008 and judged my speaking, my expression, my gestures as awkward, peasant-like and wanting to change but not knowing how to or what to and within self-judgment as 'negative' I've suppressed the dislike towards myself and never considered to see what is the reason of self-judgment within comparison with memory in regards to others who I've defined as I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I see directly within myself as I do not want to be like that automatically - it is of fear to judge myself and go into reaction of thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that within judging myself as negative and my expression with negative charge as 'bad', 'weak', as 'immature', as 'awkward', as 'wobbling', as 'peasant-like', 'uneducated' - I've lost within reactions of thoughts/feelings/emotions towards the definitions I've made towards myself and never considered to directly change myself.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize/see/understand that self-judgment is for covering up as justification and excuse for not changing, not changing myself in regards to the subject of the judgment's reason as fear.

I forgive myself that I have defined myself who I am according to fear from changing because who I've defined myself to be was fear from not changing and lost myself within reactions towards fear from changing, fear from not changing.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the common sense within actually changing myself without self-judgment, fear but with self-direction and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the starting point for changing as self-doubt, self-judgment, fear, in fact fear from not changing as fear from fear of loss.

Wow is this real?

Fear from fear of loss and even fear from losing fear of loss.

How ridiculous can human be and if this writing does not get practical meaning, is this a philosophical mental-masturbation through wordplay?

Is it self-doubt or self-honesty?

When and as I fear from changing as defining who I am based on self-judgment - I stop, I breathe, I let the fear and definition go.

When and as I see I judge something within me as I do not like this within me - I use common sense is it something what I can change? And I directly change - or if it is something I can not change here such as the pale skin and it's tendency to burn under sun I have, then I embrace myself and see why the judgment is here and what is showing and I stop the starting point of it and I stand undefined.

When and as I go into the inner loop of fear from loss and fear from losing even fear of loss - I stop and I let everything go and I remain here, considering what is here and what is practical to actually do and I express myself within self-trust doing it as undefined, breathing.

When and as I see thoughts, feelings, emotions within reactions towards myself as self-judgment of what I do not want to be - I let go the judgments, feelings, thoughts, emotions and I re-align myself with and as direct physical change as undefined, presence, expression here.

I commit myself to stop all self-judgment within me and investigate all starting point of self-judgments within me to stop all reactions as thoughts, feelings, emotions towards me within fear and inferiority and within the moment of seeing what I do not want to be like - I directly change myself within practical consideration and understanding of how and why I am like I am in regards to the point I judge and what to I change, meaning not having intent but being aware of what and how I do it.

I commit myself to constantly remember that self-judgment is for cover-up for not changing and in the moment of inner reaction of thought, feeling, emotion I do not accept it, I do not follow it, I remain here, undefined, yet directive.

I commit myself to stop all intent towards changing myself and actually be the change I want to be within practical consideration of what is here and what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and worry about what about aspects of me I do not know and not being sure and how to have a 'plan' to change myself when I do not know who I really am, but only seeing this, who I am currently manifested is not who I really am, so then the practical plan is to stop myself and not go into the same pattern again and remain here and when the automation, urge, breeze of suggestion comes from my mind - I let it go, I stand within the realization that I have written this through, I have understanding, I made the commitment, I am directing here, so I remain here as exploring what is here beyond this self-definition-based reaction and I trust myself in and as the moment within considering what is here.

EQAFE is very practical within Self-support and education of the mind-reality-life relationship, that's why the links within the document - I suggest to check out, there are quite some available for free!

[JTL 87] Understanding and be direct change

Journey to Life to stop the madness of each self-delusions step by step, day by day, breath by breath.

Perspective today:

•  Day 469: Self Realization, Writing and Time

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined change and myself to change as reaction within towards it in terms of positive and negative as feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan changing within my mind as thoughts and having reactions to it as feelings as feeling good about the change by self-judgment as 'positive' and already having this positivity instead of realizing it is only in and as the mind - in the physical I did not change, but focusing on the feeling and judging the possible outcome of the change by the feelings I have towards it within and not realizing it is make-belief, made-up, the religion of self which is entirely unreal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the feeling to change is what I've defined as required to change and not realizing that within reacting to feel to change I am in fact not changing, only playing with the idea of changing and thinking to change and within already feeling positive about to change I do not even change in and as the physical, but only and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not change in and as the physical but only in the mind and based on judgments towards how I am and how I will be and how I define currently I am as not good and how I define how I will be when I will change as good and then already imagining myself as 'good' and not realizing then I stop to change, not even started to change, but only within and as my imagination which is not real.

I forgive myself that I have never considered changing, as changing as myself, changing myself is something what I must be aware of how I currently am in terms of the aspect of myself to change, and then also being aware how I want to change practically and what to I want to change and without that it is only an imagination what is not practical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined changing as changing by myself, as myself is automatic, regarding to circumstances a starting point is enough, a dissatisfaction is enough of that I am not feeling good therefore wanting to change to a way that I will feel good and whatever I feel good to as imagining myself to be, then I believe that I will be changed simply by an intent to change and not realizing that intent is self-delusion, self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why intent is self-dishonesty and how I am trapping myself to not really change in and as the physical but only having the intent which is not practical, not real therefore any change is not possible.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware the trap of intent to change as manipulation, as not direct practical self-change within consideration of all what is here and how to change therefore developing a separation within and as me and manifesting frustration, anxiety for not changing but wanting and blaming myself for not changing meanwhile not considering how exactly from what to what I require to direct myself to change with no intent but action.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to become aware directly the point what I want to change, but only having feelings which through defining something as not good, as bad based on self-judgment, self-definition and wanting to change it to feel good about it and then not understanding how exactly I am responsible for that judged as negative feeling and how I am stopping it practically but imagining myself how good would be to be changed and feeling good already by the energetic reaction of the 'intent' also based on self-defined judgment and the word and energetic relationships I've defined to the word: 'intent'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've separated myself from direct physical change and made relationships with energetic reactions which through I intent to change meanwhile all I do is feel certain ways about how I experience myself and how I would experience myself if I could be changed.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to plan changing myself exactly in practical, measurable ways wherein I am directly able to see what I am doing for instance such as housekeeping, clothing, scheduling my days what I've defined as 'it is who I am as I do it currently' however I want to change it and not considering to change it as myself doing it by understanding how I am housekeeping, clothing, scheduling currently and how I exactly want to do it.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize the simplicity of changing myself in and as the moment but actually using energy, intent, force and manipulation, energetic reactions, feelings, emotions, thoughts to move me because I've defined myself that directly I am unable to be who I want to be but I must walk pathways and journeys and timeline to change and never considering that in and as one breath I decide and I act as change as the Living Word equal as one as written as spoken as action as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be the words I write and be the words I speak directly and believing and hoping that it must be time what with I will become the words physically what I write and speak and not realizing that directly I am changing, I am acting as written and spoken word with no separation, no inner self, no interpretation, no definition with physical action.

When and as I intent to change myself I stop and let intent go and I breathe within physical presence and I realize I am not taking into consideration what is here as myself, exactly what I am going to change, how I am going to change and what to I am going to change myself with no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions, no reactions, no good, no positive, no negative, no bad feelings, nothing - I am direct and empty and I am changing myself.

When and as I want to completely change and be the opposite in one moment who I am here I realize the small parts and the apparently irrelevant things I do not take care about within myself as reactions, automation, feelings are equally important to change within and step by step I can change but as direct, physical mannerism and being clear what I am currently changing and what to and not allowing feeling good about it or fearing from failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from if I do not feel good about change then I will not see and realize when I have changed instead of realizing that if I am directly changing myself, I am aware of it therefore not required to have feelings about it to notice, to realize - I am change directly itself, myself undefined, unified, equalized here.

When and as I feel good about changing myself I stop and I let go the feeling, I forgive myself for feeling good for changing and I realize within feeling good meanwhile changing - I am reacting to mind and I am not here as manifesting the change directly as myself, so I stop the feeling and I remain empty and directive.

When and as I worry, I fear, I doubt myself for changing within something I've understood within and as myself, I've considered what I want to change to what and exactly how to do it - I do not accept fear, I let go fear, I remain here, calm, relaxed and I trust myself.

When and as I doubt I can not change, I check within that "Did I understand exactly what part I am changing within myself?" "Am I aware of how I am changing myself?" ; "Am I aware what to I want to change?" And if not, then I script my change within planning within writing, seeing, and I re-align myself with and as myself as the practical change here.

When and as I am not sure what to do or how to change myself in aspects of me - I realize I've not been self-honest with myself in regards to that point I want to change and I take the time then and I write and I investigate within Self-intimacy and explore who I am here what I've allowed to manifest and what is best for me and also for all and then I change myself within that understanding, realization.

When and as I see myself to react automatically to a point what I want to change within myself - I realize the automation is not for change - I stop the reaction - I see what the reaction wants me to do and I do not give into it but I stop myself and I remain stopped until the need for such reaction is here within active stopping myself within being aware of what I am exactly stopping in this moment such as feeling to do something what is in fact leads to doing/not doing something I do not want therefore I do not participate.

When and as I go into energetic reaction for wanting to be stimulated sexually without myself here deciding it within self-direction - I realize it is automated, it is not really me but who I've allowed myself to be directed by and as self-dishonesty as addiction to energy and imagination to disregard what is here as the physical therefore I do not go into the temptation of arousal.

When and as I see that I am going into automatic sexual arousal based on tiredness, boredom, anxiety from within or externally stimulated, remembered to sex by pictures, sounds, symbols - I stop and I become aware that I am changing myself and I am directing myself and the intent to change is not real as to trust in intent automatically to change is the same as to trust automatic arousal believing it is me and it is real meanwhile as it came it will go therefore I stop myself and I let it go and I use common sense to deal with tiredness, boredom, anxiety, meaning resting or refreshment or self-forgiveness to let go specific resistances and energetic self-manipulations.

When and as I worry to have conflict with ex-partner, future partner or even current partner - therefore wanting to be alone and defining myself to be most effective as being alone - I realize I act based on fear and what I fear from, what I want to be separated from is already here therefore I face it and I stop the fear as stopping the relationship to defining myself based on the past, based on the self-definition of not being effective by judging myself in fact not being effective.

I commit myself to stop intent to change and be practical about changing myself meaning being aware from what and who I am changing by how and to what and actually doing it as self here.

I commit myself to change myself not being automatically feel as good towards imagining and planning to change but focusing only what is here wherein in fact I change.

I commit myself to stop trust in feelings and stop the addiction to feel good and want to feel good and to fear from not feeling good.

I commit myself to being aware of when I am feeling good as mind and when I am physically being, directly, feeling good and then not judging myself for it but allowing myself to enjoy myself without fear from not being able to make the difference from mind-feeling to physical feeling.

I commit myself to slow down within and able to question myself and experiences to be able to be self-honest within to see when I am following a feeling within and not imagining and having the intent to change but directly change myself even if it apparently means 'stopping, not participating, remaining here'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge the self-delusion within feeling good for future change but to fool myself within and as the starting point of and as the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions about who I am and not realizing that meanwhile, always in and as the physical is the only real therefore only physical change I directly do is what matters, what is relevant and I stop being frustrated with of seeing something within what I am not self-honest about and observing myself to not change instead of no matter what, stopping myself doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious, worrying and fearful facing feeling bad while changing myself because then within stopping to participate, within directly changing myself I am facing all the bullshit and it's consequences I've accepted and allowed meanwhile not realizing that all the 'feeling bad' is because judging myself as 'bad' for not changing to have a reason for being 'bad' enough to consider to change.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within changing I have automated feelings as 'bad' because facing all the self-accepted judgments and excuses and justifications for why I did not change until here this moment and for the first time realizing why it is inevitable to change because by each excuse and justification for why not face the 'feeling bad' within direct change it is becoming more and more clear that I must change, who I am is to change myself in this aspect of me wherein I accepted and allowed myself to stuck, to loop myself into excuses and justifications.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to respect and appreciate myself within changing myself as I am capable of and doing so meanwhile enjoying to let go the fear and the judgments of polarity of positive and negative and be here as myself directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become excited by even the idea of 'directly change', 'really change', 'at last change' and I am stopping the excitement, I am here, I am empty, I am directive, there is no need for being excited for being self-directive, this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within myself all the things I wanted to change within and as myself, my mannerism, my expressions, my movement, my sounding, my words I speak, my actions I do because I've given up on myself and defined who I am as currently I accept myself to be and not realizing the ability to change myself within self-trust, self-dedication, self-discipline, self-will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel empty within writing self-forgiveness to be able to stop it and not realizing that I am writing the Self-forgiveness within Self-direction and not Self-forgiveness makes me write and I am not to feel empty but to let go all which is not real, which I've defined according to fear, judgments, intent, feelings.

I am direct, I am here, I am decision and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words and allow words to have meanings and relationships with other words and reacting to those with feelings based on words as well meanwhile not realizing the common sense to purify myself and my relationship to words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not trust myself here as presence but trusting words, trusting writing words, trusting saying words but not trusting myself as saying, writing, doing words as equal as one, always, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a need to think and have thoughts resonate within my head that 'I am here' instead of being directly here as empty mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself only that what I think of I should forgive and trusting thoughts popping up what to forgive and fearing thoughts coming up constantly and not realizing I can stop the thoughts and it is not about stopping the thoughts, or not stopping the thoughts but about can I remain here, consistent and disregard the thoughts and I am the directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be here as breath, be aware of and as breath while writing and realizing that disregarding breath is for regarding thoughts, self-dishonesty as thoughts without realizing the thoughts and self-dishonesty of thoughts for what I allowed  as creation as separation from myself within the starting point of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically use 4 count breath for stop and suppress specific thoughts and believing I am stopping myself and in fact only doing that for certain thought patterns I do not face, question, investigate, understand but allow, suppress and not change myself to disregard by seeing in common sense what conflict I do not want to resolve in my life for what the specific thought reflects back my self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to become aware of what thoughts I suppress and force 'down' within and in fact forget to not deal with, to not understand the self-dishonesty I encoded to react with in order to realize within what I must change, stop.

I commit myself to become aware of all thoughts within which all represent an aspect of me what is of not real but of fear what I remember and investigate, understand and direct myself to change the starting point, the origin, the actual self-dishonesty for what the thought I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use writing as release and not realizing that within writing I am not for practical real change to ensure but for feeling change, feeling changed, feeling released from not changing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize I've been deceiving myself within stopping myself and changing myself instead of realizing that only changing in mind and in physical not changing and the proof for that is still thinking, still feeling, still charging up and releasing with energy instead of transcending the self-dishonesty and the judgments towards self with I generate energy what I require to release.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to practically walk through each justification and excuse why I do not stop the addiction to energy and to see/understand/realize exactly how and why I am defining myself at specific situations, scenarios, circumstances according to this energy, according to my judgments of positive and negative to the energy which is self-dishonesty to cover, forget, repeat and judge, define, justify and remain as until I directly not STOP, really, physically.

I forgive myself that I have not considered to see my location within I am at in and as physical existence, to motivate myself with and as principle and to direct myself in and as breathing action.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the responsibility I have for myself as existence as all life in each moment and every breath.

For Self-education, I suggest to invest for real values with what you can start grasping how to practically change for taking responsibility for all what is here as Life, not just imagine and feel but actually be change as real physical time:

Kryon, Reptilian and Quantum Mind Self Awareness Interviews available on EQAFE.

When and as I experience feel for energy, lack of energy, too much energy and seeing reaction as excuse and justification for why not moving and doing what is common sense, what is best for me, what is best for all within Self-honesty, I motivate myself as responsible for existence as myself as equal as one and not accepting any separation, not allowing to be less than who I really am as All as one as Equal as Life.

When and as I am not aware of what is Best for all and what should be my next move within consideration of all what is here, I realize the currently accepted and allowed abuse through the monetary, corporate, political, educational, media systems within which I place myself into those people's shoes who are disregarded, neglected, enslaved, abused and destroyed in the name of surviving, allowed in the name of love, god, feeling good, enlightenment, happiness, evolution or any interest what does not practically act in the principle of 'give as you would like to receive' considering all life equally - and I realize the importance and necessity to be part of a group which is for Real Solution such as Equal Money System, Equal Life Foundation, Desteni I Process and I support the group as myself as all Life as purpose as manifesting Physical Heaven on Earth for all unconditionally within the realization of who I am as Life.

When and as I define entertainment as required for me I realize that it is for feeling as well therefore if I automatically move towards entertainment - I am not yet free as I am self-defined through and as energy towards words with I feel better myself by disregarding what is here as the physical, therefore I stop and I breathe through the need and want for feeling and I realize I can be relaxed, natural, absolutely myself while being active and directive without feelings and enjoy myself within self-honesty.