[JTL Day 223] Decomposing Fear of Pain

Eclipse 2015 March

I continue with the personality decomposition from my last post:

• [JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

The point from where I continue is the state when I feel uncomfortable, pain. Recently I had a taste of it, almost all day I had a headache. I rarely have headaches, but when I do, I experience myself quite differently, mostly notable that my 'sphere of awareness' is extremely reduced, which itself makes me react already like a 'caged animal', because I got used to the experience of actively and passively noticing things around me, which gives the 'feel' of I can have options, not just 'sliding through an experience-tube' by constantly reacting things without seeing ahead.
So it's a wakefulness, a sort of alertness I 'normally' 'have'/'do', which as I see, has a part of personality and has a part of natural self-expression, which if I 'lose', I am less 'comfortable' already and the reason I write about it here is exactly the decomposition and self-honest realization of need for correction, re-alignment as it's based on fear, separation, self-interest.

I do not feel comfortable while being defined, automatically boxed into states/reactions, even if it's coming from within, because it's not practical - the moment is always blooming absolutely uniquely within each breath, so by self-automation I actually compromise myself based on a self-definition, a conviction, an idea or a fear, which the more I accepted in the past, the more I allow to be part of me without questioning, without being able to see/realize/understand it/me and be able to stop, change.

So as I wrote about energy, seriousness and personality, fear - here I add another word-dimension: PAIN.

When I do experience pain, I have the tendency to become much less open, present and my personality gets a goal to ensure to minimize and stop the pain to be able to return to the state of wakefulness.

But what are the points behind my personalities what has been defined/formed and shaped who I am today according to pain?

I walk Self-forgiveness to explore the self-definitions I've accepted to consist of to see what I have to understand/stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my goal, reason and purpose to stop and avoid experiencing pain, because defining that pain is bad, pain is changing me, pain is ruining me, pain is destroying me by defining that it takes all my attention, energy to itself, feeling like demanding all my beingness to give into which I do not want to because feeling like losing myself, my time, my resources, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that when I experience pain, that it means something, when my human physical body experiences pain, it means a problem, which means requires attention and solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense to ask myself what is my pain actually means and why I experience it, what would be the common sense to do in order to assist/support myself when experiencing physical pain to heal/recover.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely up to me to define and act upon fear of who I am and what I am going to do and even when I am in pain - I am still here and my actions still have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something to be feared, avoided in all cost, even if it means to realize/expose something self-dishonest/delusional because of the fear of loss, fear of unknown, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that I fear from pain because of fear of change, because fearing that if I would have pain, I would have remain within pain and within the experience of pain I am accepting and allowing myself to be reactive, self-interested, the opposite of aware and being able to consider my environment, others, which is not necessary, just it is how I've accepted and allowed myself to define as a protection mechanism personality manifestation in case of pain and fear of pain, which I can open up, understand, stop and change within consideration of myself, solution and others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the experience of pain I would do something reckless, irresponsible to myself or to others what I would regret when the consequence could not be changed once I did it, therefore within the experience of pain I try to close down and suppress myself as much as possible to avoid harm and within that becoming afraid of acting irresponsibly which then I would use to fuel to be able to close myself down more and not realizing that by this the more I become automatic, reactive and in fact be able to take responsibility for myself and my surroundings and in fact be able to apply the common sense for actual solution to stop the pain and also to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately program myself, my personality, my reactions, my physical beingness to automatically choose to avoid pain, even when the pain is not great, long and rather choosing avoiding it than choosing common sense, which does not mean to abuse my human physical body, but for instance when necessary to work hard and it's consequence would be some pain to refuse it within the fear of pain and it's consequence without awareness, without consideration or common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions to always have right when it comes about to avoid pain, avoid situation of possibility for pain, and justify it with the reason of 'I should not feel pain and it is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically exclude others from my consideration when I experience pain with the justification of 'I have the right to disregard everything else but my pain and my reaction/strategy to apply for this pain' without any awareness of consequence and ability to apply common sense, overwritten by the self-automation I've defined who I am in reaction to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can remain here, present, self- and life-aware, within consideration of myself and others, consequences and manifestations even during the experience of pain, just first I should understand, decompose and stop my current personality definitions according to reactions to pain and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something within I lose myself, within what I do not feel myself, I can't experience myself but the pain itself and not realizing that within that moment what I automated myself to do is self-separation, trying to exclude myself from the pain, the experience by creating polarity in my mind, energetic experiences and within that not seeing that in fact I separate myself from myself and within that split I lose directive principle with/on/as myself and that losing I am completely aware of and that I feel like losing myself which I do not want and never realizing the common sense to embrace myself, embrace the pain.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being changed by pain then I am manifested in a way that in case of pain I will change and within fearing to lose myself who I am in regards to pain actually I manifest the experience of losing the self-definition about who I am in pain and all the while I am not fully myself but who I defined myself according to pain which was not real therefore who I act as in the meantime is also not who I really am but according to the fear and self-definition about pain, which is completely my creation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that according to the avoidance of pain, the fear of pain I've created myself and my starting point, my personality, my reactions, my actions only within the consideration of my own interest, which I believed who I am and not realizing that I actually am existing also within the rest as well just I've accepted and allowed myself to be completely occupied with my experience, my personality about to avoid and prevent my pain in the fear of losing who I am and not seeing/realizing/understanding that within the reaction to fear I am manifesting the actual losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I activate a personality within my mind to tell me how to behave, how to react, how to feel, how to act, I fear of pain, fear of losing myself within pain, and not realizing that within focusing to this experience and physical reaction to fear I create what I participate within, thus strengthening this fear, fear of pain, fear of fear to such extent that there is no other reason exists but to justify to avoid the fear and pain, even if it's not real, not related to the current scenario I am within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the thought/feeling/emotion process of convicting myself about how I react to fear, to pain and believing that I can't directly feel, experience, be this pain but needing to define/relate to/think/feel/have emotion about in order to process/to deal with because if I would absolutely and totally embrace it as this is who I am in this moment, I believed that I would lose myself or I would change to such an extent that I would again: lose myself and not realizing that what I can lose might not be me at all and within that who I perceive, think, define myself to be according to fear, pain, experiences, situations is not really who I am but what I created in order to deal with myself/what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually question and explore, realize and understand the origin of pain within my human physical body and my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how and when I abuse and exploit my own human physical body as life-source with the process of mind-activities and within that taking responsibility to stop the abuse of fueling mind consciousness systems within myself with the fear and my automatic reactions to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any resistance to face any fear is also a layer of self-definition of fear and it creates conflict within me which means energy, polarity, friction toward something I accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationship through and as consciousness systems based on words manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, images and never realizing that what I resist persists and the more I try to separate it from me here, the more I manifest it in and as this physical existence within the perception of separation but in fact I am always one and equal with all what is here as creator, creation and created within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to accept and allow systems within me separated from me being directly here is based on resistance, fear, which is of friction, conflict and the only way to take responsibility and become the directive principle of all who I am within and as existence is unification, embracing all who I am existing as today and stop participating within what is self-dishonest, based on fear, self-interest unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the practicality and common sense, effectiveness and directness of the writing/sounding/acting self-forgiveness in relation to all self-accepted relationships I exist and consist of to recognize all patterns of what is not self-honest, what is not supporting all life and simply stop participating one by one until I am free of any fear, any need of separation, any systems of self-definitions, any mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the process of application of self-forgiveness is the process of finding and expanding, manifesting and expressing unconditional self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the experience of pain I've allowed myself to be defined as the victim, prey, that I can't do anything about it so the best strategy against it is to prevent pain at all cost, even if it means to act upon this prevention at all cost, meaning only considering my interest of this prevention of pain.
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I commit myself to stop participate within any resistance toward pain, to accept any justification and excuse for why not to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, become in order to realize/see/understand the utmost responsibility I have within embracing, stopping, changing all what is here which is not as Life as who I am as equal as one.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand in every aspect of my breathing life that there is not a single consequence I can escape from in this existence thus the common sense is to face/embrace/unify myself with all what is here as who I am and stop the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions of self-dishonesty breath by breath within the accumulation of walking the Process of Application of Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to decompose all aspects of my manifested behavior which entails, contains, tainted, stimulated, influenced by fear of pain and realize that the fear from changing by facing, experiencing, embracing pain is futile within the fact that the more I separate myself from what I have allowed here in and as the physical, the more I lose directive principle thus unable to take responsibility to stop and change as myself as equal as one, therefore I commit myself to stop running and hiding from fear and within that from pain as realizing that who I am should not be defined or influenced by any fear therefore if I see it within me moving, reacting, I investigate, understand, forgive and stop myself as this self-definition, as this reaction until there is nothing here only the "I am here".

When and as I see a responsibility but I resist it because of any fear or pain, not seeing any gain or not feeling any energy by it - I motivate myself as decision, self-will, act as self-direction without any need for stimulation, gain or fear from lose, based on principled living of what is best for all with practical common sense.

When and as I fear from changing by experiencing pain, I become aware of the pattern what I used to use for avoiding the pain and becoming the personality for avoiding this pain and realizing what is the starting point of this fear, who I am as it's source and what I must be done in order to prevent further pain to cause.

When and as I experience pain, I realize that as I move toward my center of my being and excluding my reality, others - it is a pattern what I've developed by time and the same way I can decompose, stop it and become practical instead of reactive, open and directive instead of closed and reactive by acting immediately with self-trust, self-movement.

When and as I resist losing something within risking, I apply common sense and stop using the excuse of 'not wanting to be reckless and irresponsible' in order to justify fear of pain and fear of fear and trust myself to find my limits and walk through them breath by breath.

When and as I see that I am not trusting myself unconditionally, I stop and I re-align and forgive myself about everything I have in my mind and realize that all is excuse for accepting self-limitation instead of living self-direction so within that I write, sound, apply self-forgiveness unconditionally.

When and as I see that I face timelooping within facing/stopping/changing a pattern which does not support me, I ask for support, not allowing myself to get possessed by the idea of 'I must have to fight this', 'I am handling it', 'I got this' as realizing it is not about myself and within that realizing that within DesteniIProcess course and the group I can express my points to get support without any fear of judgement or separation and within that to realize that when I am able to assist and support others, it is myself who I give support to and assist to within the practical application of walking through self-separation, self-dishonest self-interest and thus re-writing, re-aligning, re-educating, re-birthing myself as life as equality and oneness in and as this human physical body.

[JTL Day 205] Tiredness vs Awareness part 5 - impatience

Continuing with on the point of tiredness...

• [JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1-Introduction
• [JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2-Self-forgiveness
• [JTL Day 203] Tiredness vs Awareness part 3 - Motivation
• [JTL Day 204] Tiredness vs Awareness part 4 - Interest

...and as self-correction I planned to walk here in this next post, there is something what is coming up as related and relevant point to forgive myself about first to become aware exactly the patterns what are self-dishonest and I still accept and allow myself to participate within.

So, before the actual self-correction I bring in another dimension, which is: patience.

I find it relevant as recently started to see/realize/understand a very interesting point about tiredness versus impatience.

Whenever I am becoming impatient, I lose my balance, I lose my presence, I lose my consistency, I am not motivated anymore - not to what I was before, thus I am going into the same pattern as before - reacting, judging, more focusing to what I do not like and my thoughts, emotions about how and why I do not like it, rather than simply stopping myself reacting, preventing the situation which I find not supporting.

It is interesting because as I am losing my presence by giving permission to my habits to react and judge I am becoming tired very soon.

There is also a point wherein I can start to lie to myself about it is now patience when in fact it is acceptance and allowance of something what is not self-supportive - only way to come out within absolute clarity is self-honesty - which if it's not obviously consistently here - then I am most likely not sure, because I am not that intimate, present, open with myself to be aware of what is in fact self-honestly the best for me and others around me equally.

Thus it is always simple, but as I engage walking through the layers of the mind it can be pretty soon quite complicated, multidimensional, many points link and point to each other and the whole rule-matrix in my personality can be triggered and reacted to automatically.

However Self-honesty is always the most simple and direct way to reveal what I am accepting and allowing which is not best for me and all and thus to express the common sense to stop that - stopping myself doing that without any other, new con, complicated logic or reasoning.

I am simplicity, I am breath, I am life, I am expression.

More and more time I am allowing myself to give myself a piece of patience so to speak.

As I am slowing down within myself, attuning my mind, beingness breath by breath to the pace of my human physical body - what I have realized is that the difference between patience and impatience is always about one breath.

FASCINATING, isn't it? Whenever I am losing my temper, feel my blood boiling, my nerve to electrify with this anxious, angry, frustrated expression - I simply breath.

It seems quite tricky, I was 'planning it' since a decade - however what I've found is that once I walk the specific Self-forgiveness statements, to open up, as writing down the exact words, reactions, thoughts, emotions, patterns - I bring it down into physical time-space - word by word as I write the letters, words, sentences - I am slowing down, and thus I am allowing myself to really see/realize/understand what words I consist of and react to and why.

And it's like a map I draw - the many curvy and complicated paths I carved into my mind as my personality, habits, through memories, definitions, preferences, desires, fears, limitations, points of positive, negative - these are quite determining and as much each human is striving towards freedom - this is the exact opposite what we result with.

When I forgive the point of losing my temper because of the computer is slow, not responding - typical point, I am sure most of the humans can very much relate -

"This f*** computer is so slow", "The webpage does not load", "I am wasting time", "I am spending my life staring progress bars", "Crashes the moth****"...

And it builds up - I am aware, when I am not traveling and not being behind the camera I am using computers - same with phones, tablets, any machinery, anything!

Just like we have a plan, wanting to do, an intent, and when it does not work, we lose our temper, getting dragged down by the slowness, the experience of lack of energy, tiredness is coming.

It is to observe our human physical body - the breathing, the posture, the muscles, the inner state of ourselves. It seems also tricky as being busy, having to do complicated work, listening orders from others, needing to quickly make responsible decisions and executing those etc.

But if one starts walking Desteni I Process online courses - can step by step understand what is going on within our mind, what is that what makes us react, what is that I am becoming anxious, mostly me is the 'time being wasted while waiting for the machine to do what I order to it'.

And one simple point I suggest - in this time: BREATHE - take a breath, re-align with self-presence, self-direction, empty our mind and just be with ourselves.

Come on, it's just some seconds mostly anyway - what it is that why we can not enjoy ourselves 'alone' for a moment - the machine has to be waited for, so what?

Same with a little child - if the child walks, does things slowly, is it really cool to become anxious, angry, because they need a bit more time?

I am not saying the machine must be slow and it is alright - absolutely not - but if I do accept MYSELF to become anxious, frustrated, angry, because of a computer - then obviously not the machine is responsible for myself losing myself and go into predictable, always the same energetic reaction, which does not support me, others or anything.

For me also it was the self-judgement of 'I can not do anything' - if the machine loads - I felt like I am the slave of my decision to wait for the computer, no matter how slow it is - and while I judge how slow it is, I accumulate frustration, I compound anger.

And in relation to computer, it's speed, my lack of capacity to use it but in fact I am becoming frustrated because of the fact that I am automatically giving up my presence, myself in that moment - that is also really frustrating to acknowledge that I am compromised, diminished and the most relevant point is that 'with my own consent' - that also can be frustrating to realize and more frustrating to not do anything about it.

So it is really serious and it is also depending on how much pressure one 'gets', like angry boss, deadline, financial risk, influencing others if not being able to do it etc - but after all - who I am in this very moment is in fact who I really accept myself to be and exist as.

In regarding to tiredness - it is a pattern existing within me to become anxious, frustrated because of impatience and then going into reactions which makes me feel more energetic first and then when it's over, it's like sugar-rush - drags me down.

And stable, consistent expression always felt for me as wrong, dull, normal, ordinary, mortal etc - and I've defined energy, intensity, diversity, polarity, waving as more interesting, more me - which was not self-honest - it was self-definition excuse to justify why I am in fact not existing but as reaction patterns. The self-identification with energy, intensity, positive, negative - was in fact the only consistent I've manifested myself to be without my presence, my direction, my stability.

This whole cycle to participate within all the time also can manifest layers of tiredness of accumulated self-defeat, lack of self-motivation which should be written down, forgiven through and committed to stop one by one, breath by breath.

And if anything coming up in relation to this decision to stop - it is also a pattern and should be investigated, forgiven, committed to stop - fascinating!

If I want to stop procrastinating but what coming up first is 'I do not have enough time' - then I should walk through that idea in my mind of 'not having enough time, why and how I experience that' and to realize it is just an experience.

When I am present, breathing, directive - there is no tiredness, there is no impatience.

Let's walk Self-forgiveness in regards to tiredness and impatience specifically my living days currently.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I am becoming impatient - I am giving into an automatic self-accepted reaction for a reason as giving up into self-defeat and losing myself, defining it bad, defining my powerlessness for what I react to as being impatient and also for what I accept and allow within and as myself how I react without be able to realize how and why I do so and within that to be able to prevent and stop myself participating within it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that becoming angry/frustrated/impatient is not supporting for a practical solution, but rather I focus to my reaction, for my giving up for accepting myself as powerless yet not liking it instead of simply being aware of the point I do not enjoy and remain here, present, directive and find practical ways to not give any excuse for losing my stability here and within that in fact myself.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that I have a choice before going into impatience, anger, energy surge of frustration, powerlessness, which is not react with the same patterns but remain here, remain within breath, presence, physical awareness and if I do not see the opportunity, the practical ability for this choice to make and live by - it is because the accumulation of self-acceptance within the consent of giving my mind the direction, automation by a belief that it is also me, it is who I really am and it is who I define myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized/understood the simple common sense of applying self-forgiveness of the points I've allowed and accepted myself to become aware my responsibility for what I am and be aware how and why exactly I am reacting to assist and support myself to recognise the external/internal patterns/circumstances/conditions what makes me react the way it is I've already realized it is not as living my utmost potential within absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-forgiveness is the awareness of life if I am becoming responsible for my actions and the consequences of them as who I am and thus defining relationships and reasons for why I have to apply or why I do not have to apply it as myself undefined, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the consequences of what I have not allowed myself to forgive to myself, to others and to all of existence to live the interest of me, the interest of self, the interest of my mind and hiding behind it, hiding behind myself while not realizing that I am constantly manifesting consequences in reality, whether I am aware of them or not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see-realize-understand that if I resist responsibility for myself and for my existence, I am hiding in a bubble of conditioned mind consciousness system which will inevitably burst and then I will face myself anyway but the consequences are accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I am going into tiredness when I wake up in the morning, because of the specific reasons I allow myself to define myself in relation to tiredness such as how many hours I've slept, how I've slept, what I did before sleep, what I did not do before sleep and also very relevantly: what I am going to do today when I wake up and what is my experience already in regards to this very day, the things I am going to face, do and if there is any judgment, worry, fear, desire, thought, emotion,friction it is to realize I am going into judgment, separation, the mind which with I eventually can persuade myself of being: TIRED.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand how my mind and body is interconnected and stand as equal and one because of the extent of self-accepted separation of my beingness, my mind, my body and thus not be aware of how I am making the body being tired while participating in the mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that thinking only can make me more energetic, awaken, fresh when I react to the thoughts and that reaction is also the mind and thus showing to me that who I define myself to be is in fact the mind, thus not being stable but always of relationships, polarities, reactions, energies and not be aware of that all of this energy is coming from the body, making the body exhausted, tired, abused while in my mind only considering about energies which is not physical and thus not being in an intimate, present, equal and one relationship with my own human physical body to be aware of what makes it exhausted, dragged down such as thinking, desires, fears, energies and be self-honest about stopping these patterns - use common sense on how to stop these patterns.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am always one breath 'away' from prevent myself going into impatience, tiredness, losing myself here and it is because I've defined importance into the mind instead of presence, physical, direct vulnerability here and not realizing why to be able to prevent myself to do so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually decide and do what it takes to really slow down within the activities I do each day by investigating, sitting down, writing out what I do and why to be able to see myself as I am, not judged, not defined, not feared, desired or stimulated.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can absolutely walk through each trigger point of impatience within my life with self-forgiveness/self-correction/self-commitment and if I do not apply it as solution as myself - I am not self-honest thus it is common sense to apply self-forgiveness for the self-accepted reasons for why not being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand what it is making me react with tiredness/sleepiness at my workplace because always reacting, not breathing presently and thus not seeing that because what I actually do or do not do - I already have judgement about it and reacting to it drags me away and existing in the mind is already manifesting tiredness as for to be able to be in my mind so to speak I need energy to generate/react to which comes from friction, which comes from the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient, frustrated, angry when the computer is not responding immediately, defining myself as wasting time, needing to wait and not see-realize, understand that I can simply breathe and be comfortable with myself waiting for a moment and simply be without the need for judging the scenario as bad, projecting out the anger to computer, others while in fact being angry at myself for losing myself thus looping myself within unnecessary cycle and becoming tired of being the same pattern, of being powerless and not being stable.

I will continue with more specific self-forgiveness and self-correction.

[JTL 149] Need for fight and win part 2 - fear of power

I continue with the fight and winning point which I started to open in the last post.

As I mentioned in an other previous post when I played MUD wherein I was hunting other players for become the best of bests and how I enjoyed being powerful, feared and envied only in the game.

Within reality I always despised such acts because I've defined it as weakness because real power should be sharing and caring and all fight and aggression is because of original fear - but at the same time I was convinced that everybody becomes powerful by these and I had this friction within me being hungry for power yet denying to use ways which is abusing others.

This I overreacted, in fact based on a fear of becoming evil and also defining everything what comes with power in this world as avoidable, such as wealth, influence, exposure, fame - in a way because I've defined myself as gullible, fallible, naive as well - so I avoided everything what would lead me to have even stability, power. I looked beyond these points, basically 'virtualization'.

Virtualizing experiences what only happen in my mind - within gaming, with sex films, daydreaming, fantasizing, reading - and later on when started to explore in reality, not realizing the same starting point being lost in spiritualism, psychedelic experiments, buddhism etc - and still disregarding physical here. This time I do not go into details with buddhism as those who define themselves can refer me back that they are living it in reality - that is their point to realize - for me it was mostly a mind-game, chasing butterflies in my imagination and I could start my process of self-realization when I was able to let go these completely. So back to fear and power.

A typical example of I had fear of learning martial arts because what if I lose my temper and kill people, so within that fear I did not learn such things and only realizing that when I actually learned martial arts I learned to control, direct, pacify, calm myself and eventually face and stop fear for instance from falling onto concrete or being hit I can embrace and avoid being harmed from.

So this was a glimpse of the past let me walk the practical self-realization further with Self-forgiveness as understanding the self-dishonesty in my past to prepare the self-correction in the present and commit myself for living in integrity with myself and all others in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to experience power, being feared and envied because of the starting point of fear, fear from not having power, envy others within power and wanting to equalize myself, neutralize myself as the mind with the energetic reaction within self-judgement in polarity in the belief that if I reach the equilibrium in my mind then I can live in peace and stopping the conflict within me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I defined myself and my stability, my state of beingness according to experiences of polarity judgement values of who I am and not realizing that these judgement-reaction-energy-experiences I gave my mind permission to come and go automatically according to external circumstances and within that giving my direction, power away and believing that power is when I can equalize, balance out the negative and positive within me and never considering the common sense of preventing the negative and the positive reactions to give permission my mind to accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the real power I was looking for was always about and towards myself, being able to have power within me without being separated, without living between polarities, conflict, friction and live undefined, untamed, unlimited from within and trusting myself to live thoughtless, direct, physical expression breath by breath always within and as the location of my human physical body here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define power on/about people according to the judgements I had about what I lack therefore it must be that as power such as money, fame, influence, exposure which I could not have because of initial self-judgements of I lack these and also the abilities to get I never practically explored within the belief that these are 'negative' as using and abusing others within self-interest, which I judged in others, yet I wanted the same experience which I feared to get in physical reality so I experienced these within my mind wherein I seemed to not harm anyone with it and not realizing I was harming and suppressing myself and becoming delusional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as selfish, dark, evil within and as me so deliberately avoiding and refusing anything in this world what would give me power, direction, stability, influence and wanting to find positive, experience light, wanting to be good and never realizing the mind-prison I've manifested myself to live within based on fear which I've not seen as having excuses and justifications of why I am better if I am powerless and inconsistent and defining who I am according to that as personality of Talamon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the light, positive, good because of wanting to fight, battle, equalize, win, dominate the original self-definition, self-judgement, experience of energy within and as myself in and as my mind and body of negative, bad, darkness and never realizing that life here just is, no polarity, no definition, no limitation so unless I participate within any polarity - I am lost within consciousness systems.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the real power I was looking for is being here, being aware of myself, my reality as equal as one and remain undefined, yet expressing and trusting within myself as life, to be able to become consistent, responsible, stable and effective.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within fearing from myself and expressing myself I was suppressing myself and becoming addicted to energetic reactions within me which is not physically here, only for me, believing it has no consequence for others and never seeing/realizing/understanding that by being influenced, directed by delusions/fear I have manifested consequences anyway in reality which is being shared with others equally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the direct solution here within common sense to investigate/explore/understand my self-definitions, slow down within and forgiving the self-accepted definitions to give myself a blank, empty moment within I can breath through the need for reaction, for automatic association and remain here undefined and trusting myself within learning to express and live myself with words what are the same written, said and lived equally.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that with becoming, being resourceful within this world I can be supportive for myself and others equally and it is not a law to become corrupted by fear or greed automatically so realizing that within the starting point of Life and Equality and Oneness within Self-honesty I can use the power, stability, wealth, influence, fame to support myself and others to live by the principle of "Give as you would like to receive" and "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself" and support practical solution to manifest living opportunities which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from having power because I've defined myself as very good for becoming smart, able to direct and win, rule, dominate and becoming obsessed with perfection therefore building up a personality which I never practically lived, only used to compare my real living with it and creating friction and coming up excuses and justifications of why I am in fact facing being powerless in real life and pushing myself to go more and more deep and layer into consciousness systems and energetic reactions while not seeing that I am lost within delusions of virtual battles in myself based on fear which is not real, unnecessary, ridiculously limiting and frustrating.

So today I also bring up a point of Self-support, I've just recently listened this interview, which is very supporting:

to be continued...

[JTL 148] Need for fight and win part 1

Continuing on exploring the point of why I have defined virtualization as more important than living in physical reality for instance creating bubbles within I was able to control the outcome, which was my own mind, computer games, family members, school, workplace, friends etc while never considering humanity as a whole and all what is here equally.

Some of these bubbles had burst and I realized I was hiding behind personality definitions of the mind fuelled by thoughts, stimulated by automated reactions towards my reality as I am physically participating - many of these definitions are still here within and as me as I've never explored, stopped(aspects of myself as manifested self-dishonesty).
So it is common sense to explore and stop and see beyond the veil, to explore what is beyond living from my mind but directly, physically here.

As I've mentioned previously and will more and more: The physical is the superior(read God of Man, the Physical), not the mind consciousness, the real power is within and as the human physical body but we, humans are not HERE, always in the past, present, future, which are constructed by our thoughts, memories, pictures, reactions, fears, desires etc.

Even the 'now' is not HERE as ourselves, but the accumulated consequences of or acceptances and allowances of what we all have accepted ourselves to became as the current human system wherein most of the people are enslaved by financial status, by lack of life support, lack of proper education and giving them no chance to explore and enjoy life but fight and survive within pain most of the time.

The greatest power in existence is equality - without that - we are powerless and lost within manifested energetic systems directing us, just reacting to the physical(environment, nature, weather etc),  which then direct our reactions while we are lost within delusions of we are intelligent and the most superior things which is the greatest delusion but it is not enough to recognize, we must walk through our self-limitations one by one and find practical ways to manifest a human system which is best for all. Obviously we are the dumbest of all, even a snail or a sheep is much-much more aware than any human in terms of seeing the big picture beyond consciousness.
Check out EQAFE FREE Animal Interviews - this is not even funny, just listen through these series and consider what is being said in the message and learn and apply within Common sense and Self-honesty.
Until we do not realize how we created ourselves - we are who we are simply by all what we accept and allow - and that is certainly not unconditional love.

The amount of suffering and abuse happening on Earth in this very moment you read here would certainly make your own mind break for ever because it is not ready for embracing what is really here, so let us stick to the Process of Self-realization which can be walked breath by breath, moment by moment until we are able to deal with facts without being influenced by our own delusions of positive and negative polarities of our mind. So.

It is not enough to recognize the greatest potential(whatever we call it, god, life essence, buddha, krishna, whatever) within each other but we must become responsible and capable of understanding, changing our own creation practically, PHYSICALLY within the consideration of all equally. And that always starts with and as self here. Even if we experience ourselves as limited, shy, abused - step by step with the proper starting point and practical application we can change ourselves.

So back to my process for today...

I explore here today why I have the tendency to want to win, which is in short: fear. But am I free already of knowing that? No. I have programmed my physical beingness to automatically ensure the least fear, the least judgment of negative to experience, whatever is that for me without being aware of it, of the accepted consequences. As it is said, the devil is in the details and yes, each and every single detail I participate in my daily living is equally important - there are no divine moments(only in the mind), 'just' the accumulation the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2. Breath by breath I live my life and that never comes back once is done so instead of regret and pity I rather explore practical ways to change - myself, here.

I use an aspect of myself what I participated within extensively: investigating my starting point, my attitude, my participation and let go which is Self-dishonesty.
So within the computer games I've played it is always about winning, finishing, fighting, dominating - it is common sense to ask why in the first place I defined myself as I need to win?

I pronounce that within my daily living it is not prominent, I might be seem as a nice guy, but as Joao Jesus sings: "Only I can change myself, Only I can breathe for myself."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself being dominated by the family within I've grown up because I could not do what I wanted, grownups did not trust me when I wanted to go against their orders what seemed limiting, frustrating, stupid therefore defining my situation so, in fact I was unable to live how I wanted, so I felt myself as defeated, enslaved what I wanted to overcome, win, dominate as equal as one as I've defined myself being lost, dominated and never realizing that this will not be the solution because I was so busy within reacting with negative emotions and positive feelings generated by continuous thinking which I've felt empowering as I've defined my thinking was not limited, nobody could control, dominate my thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself being dominated and ruled by the human world system, society, the monetary system because feeling that I can not do whatever I want or decide but always facing extreme limitations which I've gave permission to be frustrated by automatically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost, losing within the participation of human world system, the political, monetary system within because feeling no power over the reality because for that I thought I would need to have power over other people, over lots of money and even over of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and define myself defeated by this world because not being able to direct myself whatever I decide always facing distraction, resistance and excuses and justifications from myself automatically which to I've gave in to tell me what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself lost within my mind because not being able to stop and prevent thoughts which are the seeds of doubt and fear what grow to self-compromise and extreme self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not winning as negative, defining myself as losing, therefore defining myself as negative and compounding that energetic experience making me react with anger and frustration which I've defined as negative, avoidable, not who I am therefore trying to balance out with whatever I've defined as positive energetic experience and not realizing that all is not physical-related.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always patch and stimulate my already experienced personality of myself to overcome and balance out attitudes, points, experiences within me to the point of experiencing neutrality and never realizing that within the polarities I am lost and limited by my own self-accepted definitions of who I am and how I must be.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that never questioning who I experience myself to be as certain experiences I have never explored to stop my personality, my characters directly but always trying to overcome, control, stimulate and equalize, neutralize points within me what bothered me such as impatience, frustration, desires.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give into the world system within I've defined myself as inferior and defined the system as superior, more powerful than who I am therefore whatever I've participated within this world - I've always experienced that I am less than it - and within that not realizing that within facing experiences, I've defined myself inferior to experiences, defining myself who I am according to the personality definitions from my mind and never considering the reality of equality and oneness in relation to my human physical body and the whole physical existence here.

I forgive myself that I have not considered stopping, directly stopping myself within each moment participating within my personality, what I've defined I need to know what I have to do in order to survive, fight, rebel, escape from the human world system what I've judged as 'no justice' and 'hard life' and not realizing the bitter, sarcastic, stoic starting point towards everything I've participated within as a manifested result of self-defeat within the experience of energies of anger and frustration transformed into a depression hidden by simple smiles what most of the people did not realize, at times even myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent to the positive feelings and never realizing the truth of my negative emotions what I've balanced out with automatic judgements, reactions, behaviours, which I've defined then as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the self-automatism I've manifested and within the fear of losing it I've defined that I must protect it in order to survive in the system, in order to overcome my negative emotions, in order to remain stable to be able to participate within the human world system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within the experience of feeling dominated by forces what I do not direct therefore fearing from being what I experience because in fact not being able to stop reacting the same way to circumstances, events, people as reactions which is not the best for me as I experience friction, conflict which with I manifest emotions within me which I suppress or exert instead of prevent and remain here, expressive, considering all participants within my immediate and overall reality.

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I forgive myself that I have not being able to win, dominate within physical world, existence, so I've defined virtual winning in and as my mind, within computer games as the territory of my battlefield wherein I am able to feel, experience and explore winning, victory, dominate.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on wanting to win and dominate on physical world, within human system, within human society because defining it as difficult, impossible for me therefore defining the experience of winning as more important than the actual winning, what I strive for to intensify and defining experience itself as more important than physical facts, more important than myself as defining experience as who I am and not realizing that by and as this starting point disregarding who I am really as the flesh of life here equal and one with all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing my want and desire to win, battle dominate forces within physical reality because of fear of consequences, fear of being exposed as evil, selfish, demon because then I've always accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself who I am according to what I experience and never realizing that experiences are not lasting, physical facts do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize all my battles within myself not wanting anybody else to see how much I've defined myself as energetic wars within myself as negative and positive and overcharging, compounding energies I've defined myself to be in order to try to fight through the dimensions of myself within the thinking of I must fight through all my life within myself to emerge as winner as one person(ality) who I would become to start dealing with the physical world, which is already unified enough to continue my fight within the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as soldier, warrior, samurai, general in order to build up a personality to be able to fuel my reactions towards who I am is powerful enough to go to inner wars within myself wherein reactions to thoughts becoming positive feelings and negative emotions and wanting to just kill them all with an other, stronger energy and within that perception wanting to energize and supercharge myself with energies and never realizing that it is not supporting my human physical body, it is seeping of the life force from my cells and making my body age, decay and so within perceiving that intensifying the energetic reactions, thought obsessions to try to win the battles of myself as soon as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energetic being, and defining energies as myself, energy as who I am, and within that always becoming dependent on energy, without energy not being able to move, express myself and never realizing that this energy what I've defined is not physical, it is of and as the mind which is seeping off the physical life force from my human physical body which is always here, always breathing, always life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself energies, moods, thoughts, feelings, emotions to tell me what to do, who I am instead of being absolute direct expression here, always within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that consistency I was never able to experience, express because of the energetic movements coming and going, so the perception of experiencing myself always changing, always shifting, always going up and down and focusing to that and being occupied with that, reacting to that with another layer of thoughts, feelings, emotions I disregard what is here, I disregard physical reality here which to I have no power, no direction to because I am internalized, virtualised, layered myself into and as the mind which then triggers, stimulated my human physical body to move, behave, act according to the energetic reactions within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to win the energetic war within myself with dealing with negative and positive and using these polarities to neutralize, balance out, shift the already self-accepted, manifested energetic experiences within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have never considered stopping already experienced energetic movements within me which are positive or negative or balanced out not moving, but always giving myself the permission to accept these energetic experiences, reactions, thoughts, desires as who I am and wanting to change my perception, myself with another layer of energetic stimulations and never considering to face directly the layer what is beyond my conscious mind, beyond my awareness and becoming aware the patterns which through in fact I create each and every single moment of my life without being aware of it.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the common sense to stop the war, the battles within myself and considering what would mean to live within harmony, within unity with and as myself here in and as the physical, each moment equally.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the obsession with winning within computer games is because it is also an internalized experience within my mind, so in fact always winning in the game I've reacted with the same reaction patterns as within my mind, therefore giving my mind an external platform, layer to experience and justify fight, domination which is a self-reflection what I did not realize.

It is crucial to recognize the points within what I've concluded my personality to accumulate to such a degree of not being able to stop myself reacting to experiences, not being able to realize that experience is just accumulation of past self-acceptance what I can stop by stopping myself, stopping my reactions towards points being accepted within me.
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Also noting that it is not about the games as within the shooter game I shoot enemies down in order to finish the story - as it is not about the game, it can be alright - but with what starting point I engage, for what result, reaction I participate can be aligned with the self-equalization, unification as seeing points when I go into judgment, separation, fear, anger, frustration and stopping that and when gaming and playing: no reaction, just direct expression.

As with and as myself - always accepting conflict, friction, reasoning, cons, pros - positive and negative - while reality is quickly moves and I am internally processing, battling, reacting and moment by moment missing potential, missing here. 

Within physical reality - direct expression, considering consequences of my actions, which seems to be overwhelming with thoughts, feelings, because it is so limited - but when I AM HERE - directly, as presence with no inner reaction, no backchat, no feeling, no emotion, no memory, no comparison - I can embrace all what is here and becoming much-much more fast and effective than within the mind to even be able to consider all what is here equally to ensure that all my actions are aligned with all life. Well this might seem impossible but that is because our starting point is the mind consciousness program, which is again: very limited, programmable, always about polarities and energy, feeling, mood, thoughts while reality is just what it is here.

Self correction

When and as I feel I need to fight, battle, I slow down within and I realize I am not here, I internalized the situation I'm in according to the starting point of fear, of judgments, of polarities.

When and as I have the energetic reaction to need to fight - I realize it is not about me winning or losing but seeing all participants here and considering what is best for all.

When and as I become obsessed with winning, with controlling, dominating, fighting, victory I realize I lost perspective and not seeing about what I overreacted anymore, only considering the need to win, no matter the cost, whatever it takes.

When and as I feel myself being dominated, defeated, lost I realize it is the perception, the judgment what makes me generate these negative reactions, emotions, thoughts with what I allowed myself to have the tendency to accumulate reactions to energize a personality within me to want to fight, dominate, win, so I slow down within, I become aware of the points within me, the fear from what I feel to lose, the definition of why I need to ensure not lose it and why fearing, in fact not trusting myself to be able to stand and remain here, directive without energy, without fight and I breathe and let it all go and explore my physical location here and re-align myself to remain here within self-trust.

When and as I engage into fight within losing perspective, but only 'listening to' this energetic urge to go against things, points, people, that I fear, I fear of not being able to live as I want - I realize that I must stop the energy as it is not me, only the accumulation of reacting with fear taking over, so I stop, I breathe, I feel the breath going into my nose, going down into my lungs, feeling my heart beat, feeling my physical presence and I stabilize myself here and consider facts.

I commit myself to stop fighting as it is the result of staring point of fear, which is of separation, which is of already given up on myself and judging myself and allowing myself to perceive myself as not being able to deal, direct my life but feeling threatened of being dominated and within that already feeling lost, defeated and needing to fight, so it is common sense and therefore I again: commit myself to stop fighting, I let all go and I embrace all what is here and live self-direction breath by breath.

I commit myself to stop fighting experiences within and as myself and considering stopping all layers of reactions, all feelings, all emotional energies and be able to consider what is here and deal with common sense.

I commit myself to share how to live without fight, how to let go the fear which is the starting point of fight, the self-judgment of being defeated, which is the accumulation of listening to thoughts which are only the inner reflection of our manifested acceptances what can be investigated, written out, walked through, forgiven and practically letting go one by one, moment by moment.

        to be continued with further exploring fights and battles, even going into some 'real life' examples when I lost my presence to re-align and prevent myself going into the judgments resulting the experience of fear which triggers the need for fight...

I suggest to check out this blog: "understand why we exist in such an extreme polarity of love and fear in our minds in relation to someone; and what are the consequences and solutions for such relationships and experiences we create within the Mind."

http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2014/02/love-and-fear-tug-of-war-day-483.html

[JTL 146] Positive and negative... part 2 - Correction I.

Continuing on

• [JTL 145] Positive and negative energetic delusions part 1  

with Self-corrective statements to stop the habit of going virtual.

I start with quoting from this blog link:

2012: Directions for Ascension – How to know you’re Ascending into the right Direction:

 "The “Religion of the Self” – this “Self” is what we’ve defined as ‘who we are’ in/as our Minds as the conglomeration of Personalities through which we live this “Self” and the protector and defender of all of one’s Personalities is the EGO which is the one that will rear its head in attacking anything/anyone that in any way represents a threat to having to change this “Self” in any way whatsoever."

 For more, read further at the blog, I continue with self-correction statements here:

 When and as I define my real physical living and having the starting point of the self-definition is how things are in reality and wanting to rely on definitions of who I am and how things are I STOP, I breathe, I trust myself to be here and re-align myself to apply common sense and letting go the fear of not knowing, the fear of failure, the fear of pain, the fear of myself, the fear of fear.

When and as I see that I think about something and having feelings, energetic reactions - I realize I am going into the past-created mind-personality which is in fact the EGO to protect my perceived self for surviving, for remaining who I've defined myself to be therefore I let it all go and I re-align myself to be here, be aware of the physical, the body, the senses, surroundings and the breath of my human physical body as myself.

When and as I experience doubt, uncertainty, worry, fear - I stop, I realize I go into self-definitions, I go into personality, I go into mind, thoughts, feelings so I direct myself to stop, stop for a moment and let all go and breathe, just breathe and embrace the physical presence and stabilizing myself here.

When and as I experience anxiety about what I do, what would happen, about interaction with others, using mass transit and facing thousands of people very closely - I realize that the reality is here and if I define it by thoughts, feel about what is here by energetic feelings as positive and negative - I am trying to superimpose the presence with the past wherein I gave permission to my virtual self to direct me so I literally stop for a moment and in one breath I re-align myself to focus to what is physically here.

When and as I worry and fear that without thinking, feeling, having emotions I am not able to be, operate, work, be effective, be a living human being - I realize that it is the worry, the fear what is blocking me in the moment to see that by exactly those what I fear to let go I am not able to fully be, operate, work, live to the utmost potential of who I can be with direct amalgamation of all what is here without the need of act of separation of thinking - so I stop, I stop, I stop until I am clear within and I act.

When and as I feel I can not trust in and as myself without thoughts, thinking, the little voice, the little me, the backchat, the silent whisperer, the god within me as the mind of inner reflection of myself - I realize this is the greatest con I've been subjected to by believing that with the inner separation I can be myself so I let it all go and explore what is beyond definitions, thoughts.

When and as I face difficulty to stop a thought-pattern within me what is re- and reoccurring and in any way whatsoever I miss moments directly here - I realize I do require self-investigation, self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitments to write, to voice, to act as equal as one to re-mediate myself from the energetic possession of my self-accepted limitations.

When and as I am using the act of separation by myself defining/judging and go into the action of defining/judging towards an apparently 'separate' subject of my definition - I realize about that I already allowed polarity separation of comparison by words to stand for me, tell me what is it and until I do not question, understand, stop that - I am unable to stand equal and one with the 'subject' of my definition, therefore I will be never whole with that point of myself, so I apply common sense, and I stop, stop defining, stop thinking, stop relying on past conclusions, I breathe, and I re-align myself to stand and act here undefined.

When and as I automatically feel myself in a way and I am unaware of all dimensions about it in myself, in physical reality - it is questionable, it can not be trusted, so I breathe, I apply common sense and let go the need for comparison, definition, feeling to tell me who I am.

When and as I feel like I am unable to do something without feeling, without positive feeling, without the starting point of stopping the negative feeling - I realize I am programmed and I am limited by circumstances what I do not direct therefore I stop acting by definition, I act with direct decision and self-trust within breathing presence physically.

When and as I feel like I am unable to direct my life, an aspect of my life, a social part of my life wherein I feel overwhelmed or pushed, suppressed or excluded - I realize it is the comparison within me what fucks up direct presence, direct power of myself here and I realize within writing about it I can support myself to see the points first and understand how I am accepting self-limitation which by I automatically allow being directed by forces and energies, events and circumstances to direct me, so I direct myself to sit down and write it out.

When and as I allow a thought that I to not have time, I do not need to write out the inner judgments, comparisons within - I realize it is also a self-accepted limitation within fear of change, fear of facing self, fear of not having enough time for myself so I realize - with this I actually give the time for myself to change and become more effective, start living.

When and as I feel like I am unable to move without positive energies, without being motivated by wanting to stop negative energies I realize I allowed myself to define myself according to energy, according to feelings, which to I've became addicted to and I do require to stop, to let go, to transcend within practically which starts with writing, self-correction, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and within living it out I see that I am able to let go the energetic dependency.

When and as I am not seeing why energetic reactions of positive and negative within my mind and body is self-delusion I realize that all energies have the source of 'PHYSICAL' here which is the body what requires to be supported by food, shelter, water, health care so in fact when I feel good - I rely on the physical support, without that I would not have power over my energies within myself who I've defined myself to be therefore I realize that those who has no access to proper food, shelter, water, health care are subjected to physical and energetic experiences what they can not direct, they can suffer from so the solution is to give what I want to receive within practically doing something to ensure that all gets it.

When and as I feel so fucking good I realize that it is because I have a position in the capitalistic system wherein I can nurture my body to experience myself good and within neglecting others who do not have such support in the system I actually say them 'fuck you' so I realize that it is not about myself but all equally and when I am feeling good because I neglect reality wherein all exists just as like me equally.

When and as I feel good when I do not have to worry and consider others, to take care fellow humans I realize that it is of self-definition, of fear, of energy of losing myself who I've defined myself to be as positive what with I defined I can not experience when facing reality what I've defined as negative therefore using excuses to why I do not ACT according to what is best not only for myself but others, then I realize I virtually created within and nurtured an image of self which is EGO what I commit myself to stop with the practical tools of Desteni I Process to be able to face all beings that I do not chose to say to them 'fuck you' but let go all what is not practical for manifesting what is best for all, at least on the physical level of food, shelter, education, health care, water, which is the first priority to really manifest live, love, compassion in this world.

I commit myself to LIVE the self-corrections I write, to find practical ways to become the words I write and say and act.
I commit myself to stop the comparison within my mind instead of trusting my whole beingness to be able to direct myself and take responsibility for all what is here.

to be continued

[JTL 111] Waking up as moment as me - Part 2

Continuing on

• [JTL 110] Waking up in the morning as moment as me

Investigating what thoughts come up and the position lying in the bed what brings up.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I wake up in the bed about the women who rejected me and think about women I've rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I have been rejected by others and I have rejected others within not being absolutely sure as my decision and thinking about possibilities as 'what if' within hope and not realizing hope is against action, against common sense and not practical, not real and within the energy reaction towards the images towards hope I am disregarding what is here and escape who I am in and as physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I wake up about the job parts at my workplace I have to do, solve and in fact those are areas what I am not experienced, comfortable and judged as complication and difficult and boring and by those relationship feeling heaviness and resistance.

I forgive myself that I have not realized when I go into thinking when I wake up in my bed and speeding up within my head already, by default without being aware of my human physical body here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am disregarding my physical presence when I wake up in the morning and I think about things I am not absolutely sure about.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand why exactly I allow a specific thought-pattern in the morning when I wake up and not act immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as good when I wake up in the morning and I can stay in bed and think-about, and not realizing that I am not just 'wake up and be here' but actually I am imagining, reacting to what is already gone and based on that projecting images towards my perceived future and reacting to that according to who I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I wake up I am not moment as me as Life but as consciousness systems programmed to be stimulated by the circumstance of I am in the bed after waking up regarding to what happened with me before.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within thinking in the bed when I wake up - I am responsible for becoming tired because tiredness is already existing within and as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having energy to wake up in the morning if I do not participate within the thoughts of mind, the feelings of mind, the emotions of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/believe that fear gives me energy to face things and overcome tiredness and dullness and using it as a motivation and not realizing that fear is of consciousness and not Life as fear, specifically fear in the bed to face something today is of and as the mind - not real, not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use desires and positive energy reacting to the desire to use to fuel me, to energize me, to move me, to motivate me and not realizing that this energy is same as fear - that without it I can not be moved, motivated, energized, fueled within the belief of energy of mind who I've defined myself to be by the relationships between words and my reactions toward those words.

I forgive myself that I have not realized when I wake up that the reality of me is here breathing as the physical and disregarding this presence is disregarding who I really am as equal as one reflection that I do not trust myself here, I do not trust in what is here, what is here because I trust opinion, definition, relationship of mind consciousness, which is of energy.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only energy I require is physical energy, to sleep, to rest, to eat, to drink and any other energy is of and for feelings as the mind consciousness system which is the layer through I am separating myself from being directly here in all moments with and as all what is here equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from face the fact that without energy I am nothing, nobody and I defined myself untrustworthy without energy therefore the fear from lack of energy kicks in and moves me towards reaction within the mind to have energy and the solution is to slow down and say NO, NO, NO to each inner movement, regardless of how small that movement is - I say, do and stand as STOP and I breathe and I direct myself within disregarding the strive for energy of reaction, I stop reaction, I remain here, I breathe.

When and as I wake up in the morning - I am becoming aware of my human physical body - I am here as breath, I am here as my hands, feet, toes, my head, I am calm, relaxed, I am able to remain empty, stable without thoughts, energy.

When and as I think about something in the bed in the morning - I stop it and I remain empty - I let it go - and I am breathing and within each breath I observe, notice, direct myself to see becoming empty, feeling the body, feeling this emptiness as myself undefined.

When and as I would feel to becoming excited from the awareness of being empty naturally and deepening this presence - I remain calm, relaxed and I let go excitement, I let go any definition and need to react how much I am present, empty, clear - I am simply here within consistency.

When and as I think about something in the bed in the morning - I stop it and I remain empty - I let it go - and I am breathing and within each breath I am more and more aware of my human physical body.

When and as I have a specific reaction within my mind based on a posture within and as my human physical body - I see it, I realize the starting point, the self-dishonesty and I breathe, I let it go and within understanding I correct myself physically to not react automatically based on the physical posture - stimulation - programming - automation.

I commit myself to allow myself to remain here, calm, relaxed and empty, silent without fear, without excitement and investigate and correct each thought pattern one by one until I am here within consistency.

I commit myself to develop a constant, stable physical presence and see, realize, understand and stop each automation arising within physical participation and stopping each and deleting all parts of mind personality and allow myself to trust myself in and as the moment without trusting something what is separate from me in terms of not being aware of.

I commit myself to share my process of physical self-realization through Self-forgiveness within Self-honesty how I am practically stopping all thoughts of mind of separation with common sense.

I commit myself to return to my breath, each breath, unconditionally, constantly, consistently and not stopping correcting my physical until I am fully here as breath as Life.

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[JTL 109] Self-forgiveness: tiredness, energy, breath

Continuing from the previous post:

• [JTL 108] Tiredness, energy and small things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as action and prevention from things I do not want and preparation for things I want and not realizing within it I actually repeat past and react with energy what is opinion and not fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as clever and smart and not realizing it is the opposite - limited, separated, conflicted from facts as it is definition of the mind and facts do not need to be defined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that manifest conflict within me when experiencing physical suffering within me about what to do and not being sure how to handle uncomfortably within Self-honesty remaining undefined as presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound needs and definitions of my needs according to who I defined myself to be and act according to that and if not then compounding needs for doing who I've defined myself to be by accumulating energy of friction within of what I want to do but not doing so and then allowing each point one by one manifesting personality what will step forth and take over and do what it's purpose: accumulate desire to do something what was suppressed.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there are limits within and as my human physical body and at energy rush experiences disregarding those and causing friction and conflict within when facing consequences for the decisions what I've made unaware in regards to being convinced that I am pushing my limits when actually I am abusing my human physical body for instance when acting from fear from not doing enough instead of letting go fear and seeing what is possible, what is practical, what is the consideration of my physical here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that breathing here I always defined as a quest, a to do, something to be done and wanting to control and direct not as myself as self here undefined but according to conditions, definitions of perceived separation which through manifesting conflict, friction and the very act of breathing not being here, stable, simple, undefined, consistent within physical awareness who I really am,.

I forgive myself that I have never consider/see/realize that the understanding and exposure that I am not breathing properly while being occupied between thoughts and energetic experiences is not enough, but I have to be specifically aware how and when I participate and WHY and within those moments PREVENTING to go after energy and remain here, directive, and within understanding the point I am facing is what about and be able to make decision and action undefined within natural, relaxing, life-aware breathing.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what means to be Life-aware, such as considering what is best for all life and beings in existence meanwhile considering myself as part of the whole as an individual expression and realizing the responsibility within already manifested creation of consequences of my actions breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have and accepted and allowed myself to define what is 'full breathing', what is 'normal breathing', what is 'healthy breathing' 'awareness breathing' and according to these words reacting automatically within not understanding what I am doing exactly as reaction, as energy, as consequence of friction of a self-definition what is in conflict with physical reality FACTS such as opinions, polarity-based feelings according to preferences, personality, desires, fears of the religion of self-interest of consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with personal preferences I've manifested occupation within energy and meanwhile not realizing that being petrified, halted, suppressed, stopped within effective, physical breathing here within the physical sensation of awareness of my human physical body, breath by breath and never realizing that missing one breath means choosing opinion, based on definition, of fear of manifested consequence of disregarding what is here as facts as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting conflict within I am accepting conflict with-out therefore being equally responsible for the frictions causing in human systems as equal as one causing energetic frictions in and as my mind with what I am being influenced, occupied, directed by self-defined conditions of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself for breathing, trying to 'pump' dishonesty out from myself within the belief that simply breathing is enough to let go and transcend and solve dishonesties and never realizing that breathing is not enough but actual understanding, awareness, realization, specific action is required to stop reacting in the first place with what being occupied to such extent that disregarding what is here as facts as breathing as my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I focus to my breath and do it with force, I can wash away all the conflicts and reactions within and becoming somebody who can remain silent within simply by constantly applying this intent of force of breathing and never realizing that this is conditional and as it started, will end and then all the already existing points will come back deliberately as equal as one as I accept myself to exist within as conflict based on polarity of the mind - with participating within opinions what are not physical FACTS but the feeling coming with these frictions defining as energy as who I am and never realizing that this energy is always dependent on physical here, causing real conflicts, real abuse, real separation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that believing I need to practice breathing effectively to be able to remain inner silent and never considering to be self-honest and see what is PREVENTING breathing within natural, undefined presence as expressing myself as Life as breathing here within direct physical participation with no separation in perception consistently, yesterday, today, tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with breathing it is like I am pushing a stone up to the mountain and always falling back and starting with it again when reactions I accept and allow as they come within as thoughts, feelings, emotions and then trying to push these down within and just wanting to get over with these with this force of pushing myself to breath within inner silence until I do not need to push but being able to remain silent as I've defined meditation works for me and never realizing that it is still of conditions and when I stand up and act - it will diminish as the energy compound will be gone and without that energy force I've manifested - I am the same as I started this breathing work: conflict within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that each time I miss a breath - it is because I chosen reactions within and it is to investigate, to ask, to answer myself within self-honesty, what part of myself I am separated from directly being here as self-trust to express in all moments unwavering? And those to realize, understand, forgive, let go, remove within self-correction and self-commitment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-commitment requires force within and wanting to push it until it does not need to be pushed within the belief that I will 'reach' a point where I do not have to be aware, and responsible, and here and expressing myself to ensure that I do not fall into the separation of mind of fear and desire and never considering that the very desire for this is trying to find a shortcut within responsibility for who I have become and what I require to let go as Life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-commitment is myself and not required to have force to do it as it is a decision as myself therefore if I do it within conflict - I should stop the conflict first and stop the reason of conflict and make the decision what with I can stand unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a feeling for always missing something and allowing myself to be defined as always missing something or forgetting and never considering that what I want to do and I can do and yet I do not do it - it is of conflict, friction, conditions what I am separated from therefore to be sure what I am doing - I use scheduling, practical lists and meanwhile considering my limits and still to enjoy myself and that I do not have to disregard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my joy and by doing so defining myself as better as defining my enjoyment as bad, unnecessary and mind and never considering that within self-expression as who I am within self-honesty - I can experience joy without shame if I am here as all as one as equal as life and not taking things personally yet doing everything I can without abusing myself and practically remain consistent within my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define forgetting and forgetfulness as a protection from realizing everything what is here by always defining something as less important or more important and not realizing that prioritizing is alright however within that - things are equal within my expression as doing something one breath at a time and within that moment I am who I am and that is always equal and that is all who I can be and who I actually am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when forgetting something and not realizing that instead of self-judgment I can ensure that for next time I prevent it to forget by writing, using devices, remaining here and motivating myself within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when tiredness is of the mind when there is no energy to disregard facts by stimulating with opinions of thoughts, feelings, emotions - and in that moment I commit myself to see what is here, what are the facts I judge with what starting point and why and see what is my responsibility for not standing here within and as the physical, which is the source.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I define tiredness when I do not have ability to disregard what is here and who I've defined myself to be as different from facts - being in conflict, friction with what is actually here as myself and judging this as exhausting and overwhelming and wanting to have something to overcome, occupied from, separated from to not take responsibility in all moments equally.

CORRECTION

I commit myself to see what is not healthy for myself such as sleep deprivation and too much coffee and staying in environment what is directly unhealthy - and stop doing so - and seeing what is the most practical way to support myself to deal with what is here in that - why I push myself over the physical limits and stop it and see what is the starting point as fear from not doing enough, not moving effectively and deal with that directly.

I commit myself to not allow myself to remain in unhealthy environment just because I can take and then rest more and allowing 'extra' tiredness within the hope that later it will be better - and I act immediately and trust myself in the moment or if not, I write it down and come to common sense decision and act accordingly.

I commit myself to realize and act that if I have to wake up early morning and perform for all day, late night I do not drink coffee, even a little, because then my sleep cycles will be disturbed and I will be disoriented, distracted, tired, exhausted what within I have the tendency to manifest conflicts within, so I stop the temptation of staying up longer for 'do more' and I stop fearing from not doing enough by doing all what I can while considering my body, my physical here.

I commit myself to stop conflict within according to how much I do and stop judging myself of not doing enough and I commit myself to stop the mind to tell me who I must be, how I must be and I trust myself within direct presence and realize and accept my current physical location as manifested consequences of the past and work with that undefined.

I commit myself to stop defining breathing as has to be forced and not realizing that I can be breath and not requiring to define what is breath.

I commit myself to allow myself to rest when I am exhausted and use common sense to prevent next time to not be effective naturally and stop comparing myself with the mind within with what is here as fact as reality.

I commit myself to embrace facts as myself and work and trust myself with and as what is physically here without defining or judging that what I perceive currently is all what exists.

When and as I am tired and exhausted - I stop and rest if I can - if not then I use common sense and consider myself for long term and allow my human physical body to not overused and exhausted within the constant realization that I am my human physical body as equal as one.

When and as I think - I realize there is something I am not direct with as equal as one and within separation I use polarity of the mind of judgments to use energy to balance out this separation what will always be conditional and not fully myself within consistency as self-honesty as the starting point is fear and not life therefore I stop unconditionally, I understand/see/realize the point of perception of separation taken granted and I forgive, stop, let go, remove and prevent myself going into it until I am equal and one within expression with the point as myself.

When and as I fear from consequences of not knowing, not being able to handle or not doing enough, I stop, I see what I can do and what I actually do and I work with and focus to facts.

When and as I fear not breathing effectively, properly, naturally, I stop and realize it is the occupation what prevents me to be aware of my physical as breath - so I realize what I am busy within experiencing, reacting and I stop that within understanding.

When and as I fear from not doing enough or forgetting things - I prioritize and use tools to schedule and use common sense to remain effective and trust myself within action.

When and as I see the need of enjoying myself or things - I trust myself and I allow myself to be joyful and not defining it as not required, not myself but allowing myself to be game and enjoy game within self-honesty without fearing that I will do it more than required.

When and as I fear from wasting time with game and joy - I realize - the fear from not being able to be joy is that what blocks me enjoy myself in all moments and compounding the need, desire, energy to do towards joy by definition what is unnecessary, so I stop it, I breathe, and I actually enjoy myself undefined.