energy accumulated in my mind, a certain personality activates.
A personality is a pattern for who I think and believe I must behave and it has patterns, conditions, definitions and of course limitations.
Recently I was quite aware of one of my most apparently 'powerful' personalities, what I call as 'The Stoic'. It's not really 'powerful', but when I am being possessed with it, it gives that false feel of power, which then I use to shield myself and still become effective and very punctual - well, in fact quite blunt and ruthless sometimes.
I always wondered about this aspect of my mind and I believed that I learned from my grandpa, who had jail time and he was quite a gangster in his time as he had to live in a time where was revolution, street gangs, and he was a good fighter, but this is just information - I did not have to fight much myself.
My father was border-guard in the communist era and I always could understand the military mind and in a certain way this personality can be quite effective in war, because there is like a feel of my inner space and emptiness shrinks and there is this specific frequency of fire within which drives me to play out everything externally - mostly to focus on others, always finding their 'weak spot' and engage, expose and utilize in order to reach/get what I want, which also comes from inside quite automatically.
The most interesting point within this is that I deliberately go into personality, there is mostly a thought pattern before, but sometimes no - and then there is a reaction, an emotion and then when I go into this 'mindset' - to have this feeling of force, power, which fuels me, and I 'ride'.
It's always about a certain reason - and if I can decide that I stop this personality - or change to an other, then it's simple, immediate, which is kind of weird experience, but it's part of who I have become according to the self-acceptance of fear, because it is built on that in it's essence.
What exposes this personality that I am not fully myself is the tension, the drive, the lack of inner experience of infinity of silence, emptiness.
Instead I am constantly in movement, there is no pain, fear showed and it's pretty easy to make others react, who has also fear or reactions and from that moment it's about 'them' and as people go into the 'game' - I ride that and it's weird but once I go into the 'win' point - it's like running upwards a hill and once I ran up, I want to run further and there is no more, I am on the top but I still want to get higher and there is no way and it's like an engine is just running and it's no need for it - then I can have a weird moment of 'What the fuck I do' and I can settle down, because I realize I do not need to fear.
Recently I was asked to stop this because it was not cool and I was immediately able to stop because it was clear that I do not need for this personality, especially that there was no need to either find weak spots, prove my point or even protect myself - and within that moment I realized the ridiculousness of this personality and how long I've created, participated it.
I have several personalities, but I've given to this one the most permission to activate and become, because it seems effective and powerful, apparently can protect my 'mini-me', but it's not direct 'relationship' with reality, it's coming through my limited mind-set, it is conditioned and in fact at certain points it's not effective and what I really lose by becoming this 'stoic, skeptic, bitter, critique' is the humbleness and equality.
The humbleness and humility - towards life and others as me as equals - and I was able to justify that with this personality that I can support others to expose their self-dishonesty, even if it means it's raw, crude, unpleasant, but as it's a pattern, it's limited, I am automated, same as with drugs - gives the ride but not me directing within utmost specificity and awareness, but patterns of manifested consequences, self-definitions, thoughts, feelings, emotions.
As I walk the Journey to Life Process of writing, sounding, applying Self-forgiveness, I accumulate the ability to stop myself and step back and see how it is based on what fear and by that realization becoming able to decompose the patterns which constitute into building up and automatically becoming mind-personalities.
The false sense of 'power' comes from the personality by skipping the moment of being conscious about fear, being actually aware of how I create the fear experience with which I sabotage my ability to apply the most direct solution.
It's interesting to see that schizophrenic people are being judged as 'bat shit crazy nuts' but in the meantime an 'ordinary' human(of course a 'healthy' ego does not refer itself as 'ordinary') has many personalities: one for picking up partner, one for arguing with parent, one for being the good worker for boss, one for being a great lover, one for deal within the ghetto, in rude environment, one played out at parties and the transition, the interconnectedness of these self-definition-based reaction-rule set personalities is so smoothly embedded and ingrained into one's life smoothed with thoughts/feelings/emotions that by the becoming we do not see/realize/understand that it's a con played by our consciousness based on our own original fear to have a feel of stability, certainty, power.
"I am a lawyer, a soldier, a programmer, an artist, a great lover, a Chinese, a biker" - self-definition - limitation, based on polarity, energy, fear.
It is quite brave to acknowledge that I accept and allow fear without any justification and excuse, projection or blame, because then it is all about self as who I am here today. I am responsible, which is quite intense, but simply true and by this realization I can decide to understand, stop, change from my fear to fearless self-expression.
There is also a gift, an advantage within decomposing and stopping automatic personality-activation: the ability to decide within responsible, humble, yet effective way on how to act, respond, which in the beginning feels less smooth, powerful and 'normal' but these are also dimensions for to apply self-forgiveness as a false reliance on qualities based on self-definitions of polarity, condition instead of Self-direction.
I am power, I am expression, I am humbleness - it should not be based on a condition, a person, a circumstance, because then it is not self-direction, but self-automation based on a self-accepted reaction manifesting into action.
So I walk Self-forgiveness to become aware and decompose the patterns which constitute to create, react to, become identified and act upon personalities.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting reactions within me, accumulating into energetic experiences and activating personalities within me with the justification of 'I need this' in order to behave the way I feel I have to act in order to get what I want, to protect myself, to have movement, a feel of power, clarity, obviousness and within that not realizing that it is a system I use as a layer within separation from what is here, from who I am as life as equal with and as all here.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear directly within wanting to use energy, reaction, self-definition to give permission to be acted out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to protect my beingness in the fear of loss, fear of change, fear of hurt, fear of pain, because I've defined myself according to my changes to fear, loss and pain and allowed myself to be automatic with the patterns I react to fear, to prevent fear, to deal with fear without understanding what I fear and actually why and what is the consequence I cause by this pattern to fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I created personalities in my mind, to automatize reactions, behaviors, what I've defined as supporting me, protecting me and not realizing that it is based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, which are based of certain fear without questioning what I participate within, what will be the consequences for me and others.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I define a situation serious, meaning I have something to lose which I do not want and I feel the tension, friction about it, having inner conflict within and react with fear, I create energetic reactions within me which accumulate into personality to activate to feel and behave certain ways, which I've defined as who I am and how I should act in situations and not realizing that it is not self-direction because it's a reaction based on how I reacted in the past and given permission to become automatic.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I lose presence in and as my human physical body and focus my attention to things outside of me meanwhile losing awareness how I am, why I am doing things, then I give permission to my mind to react and act automatically.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware when I act automatically meanwhile listening to thoughts, feelings, emotions and not realizing that I am separated within this - having inner reactions, programmed to come up and react, take away or make me do things what I not realize that it is based on fear and never considering the solution as stop myself going into fear first and see what is actually the point I want to avoid.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define activating personality as feeling good, safe and familiar and define it as myself and by the energetic experience, feeling myself as powerful and not realizing that I am compromising myself based on conditions, self-definitions and pre-programmed reactions to deal with fear.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I've created personality in my mind based on thoughts, feelings, emotions and when and why I go into activation of the certain personalities and not seeing that I want to avoid fear based on another layer of fear and not seeing the whole pattern, the whole dynamics, the whole system, only being identified and reacted to one layer at a time, just like a turing-machine, an algorithm, a fuzzy-logic rule-set, which consists of conditions and reactions, just much more than I believed I could grasp and understand, which is also comes from a fear and in fact not real.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that all the fear I experience is not real, it's just an energy I want to avoid because behind it there is awareness, responsibility, change, which I defined myself needing to resist at all cost, because who I defined myself to be should not change, because then the fear would come up that I am losing myself which is also defined to fear and within behind all this, the interest of me, self, separated from what's and who's all here as equal as me and within this not realizing that regardless of my experience and my reaction, facts are here, based on my actions and if I act based on fear, it's still manifested.
I forgive myself that I have never realized that I can let go fear, I can face and walk through the fear, the valley of shadow of death, which is losing all which is my self-interest, which is the death of who I believed myself to be as personality, mind, consciousness, system, and beyond there is a birth of life, fearless, undefined, direct living.
I will continue to decompose the particular personality I've started to open up here...
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