Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Important to realize: I Walk, I push, I direct, I stop, I forgive, I change, I express

This is very important to realize every fucking single human - that this we must understand - that even after years of participation within Process - there is nothing what will go by itself - if I do not push as the full of myself - as the DIRECTION, the WILL as SELF HERE - to change and STOP all Self-deceptions without even considering 'that' is 'that' - I as Consciousness will not give up simply by forces.

Forces I mean forces from outside - from my partner, from desteni members, from Farm members from Bernard from the Portal or a screaming racoon - there is nobody else than myself I must align with and AS the Living Principle and PUSH and act.

Because it is obvious that I want to stop, I want to change - if anyone could ask me at any time - this would be the answer.

Because I already got it - but to realize - means to PHYSICALLY EXPRESS the STOP, the CHANGE.

And the 1+1=2 simple mathematical equation is the most difficult thing what one must understand for this - no more complicated thing is required. It's that simple.

I've decided to check Desteni out, because I was not satisfied with myself, with the world, I was looking for an answer.

Then as I started to study Desteni - I've realized that the tools are here and I can start to apply for myself. Then I've decided to give a try, to start writing about my past, to start writing Self-forgiveness, to start writing Self-Corrective Statements about what Change I WILL myself to become here within and as the Physical.

For instance about my previous post - my dishonesty regarding to women - I was who realized that when Bernard told me that 'Tala, get a girl' - was simply a suggestion to support - what I can do or not do.
And I decided to do. And then I approached girls without consideration, and then it did not work. Then I started to decide to re-align myself and learn from my perceived mistake. And then I pushed myself again and years passed and I am still here and pushing myself and this time this girl gets something from the Agreement and One and Equal princpiple and assisting me to see what I've programmed myself to unable to see. Then what she is saying - I can say that 'it's bullshit', 'so fucking what?' - and it happened at first time and at the second time and at the fucking third time - but as she is keep saying it - I check my reactions - there are the same reactions when she is saying it - so then I see - is this really true? Is my self-definition is so strong that I define myself as 'X' and in fact in and as the physical I act as 'Y'?

Then if I am unable to see - if I am unable to experience myself how I act - and why - then I write. I write and then I write it until everything about this point is here at front of me - until inside is empty - and when I write everything down here as myself - then I am able to see - while I write it down I allow myself to open to realize what I am participating within, what I am still responsible for - and in fact what I still allow as self-dishonesty.
And then it is obvious that this I must stop.

It is in fact irrelevant of what points come up - if the point is to want to hug camels at midnight at the Antarctica - then that is the point what I am possessed into and as - and that point I investigate, face, forgive that I've accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with and simply STOP.

When I realize - I am here - I do not need to choose - I do not need to decide where to go - I simply realize that I am here as the physical location and as the moment as breath as the birthing myself as Life - then anything comes up - into me I see - is this really life? Is this in fact supporting all equally? Is this who I can stand as Infinity within absolute constancy and consistency?
And if not - then I realize - the Self-dishonesty is here and I am here - and I check what is the self-definition through I separate myself from the point - from my existence as reality - and why I still participate within such thing.

The point comes up - HERE - I do not 'go' after the point - I am simply Here and I simply see the point within myself coming up HERE - so then I deal with it - and I investigate, I forgive, I push and I script myself up within writing, within Self-Corrective statements to STOP the point as myself undefined.

Then I am HERE again - and then the next point is here so then I deal with that point as myself and all points - within me - I embrace, I stop, I re-align myself with and as HERE and I simply act within the principle of 'What is best for all?' by considering my current location, by considering my current understanding of how things I see and experience.

Then I push - and if I do judge the point - if I do judge myself regarding to the point - I fall into the twisted trap of my own self-created dishonesty because my judgment is based on a previous judgment within myself what is in fact based on fear - what if I could 'clearly' investigate - I would realize that: that point is Self-dishonesty, that point is of Self-deception.
So then I let go of that definition.
I write Self-forgiveness. I voice Self-forgiveness as the words. Word by word I resonate as the Sound Expression as Words what I release - what I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

And I say Self-forgiveness aloud, I express Self-forgiveness in every way possible - to make sure that within my reality - I do not let 'backdoor' wherein I can 'fall' back into the participation of Self-dishonesty. So I make sure that I do not compromise my Self-will by default. Because then I will manifest timeloop within what I might give possibility, I might give hope - what with I can not stand as Infinity. Otherwise I might participate within the specific current Self-dishonesty - and then I would manifest it and then I would realize it again and I would recognise that in fact I wanted this to stop and I did not stop - then I clearly see that my Self-forgiveness was not effective. Then I have no chance - I must start it again.

This application - if one makes the decision - in a way is like a skill - what one can develop by only Walking the process.
Self-honesty can not be given - and can not be taken away - this is where Real Self can start to birth by and as Self. Within and as the Physical.

This is the act of Creation as humans refer as 'God'.

Applying Self-forgiveness if applied within the Physical - is the Living God as Self as Life as the Physical.

Each one must understand that - by understanding the accumulation of 1+1=2 - I push and then I push and then I direct and then I state and then I Express, I Realize, I share, I forgive, I change, I re-align, I Move, I Direct, I Walk - and the accumulation - if the Starting point is One and Equal with and as Self Here - then there is nowhere to fall - because the perception of 'falling' - is simply Facing Self Here.

Then Self Facing Self Here as the Unification of man as I am.
And if each and every single human being is standing within this Constant, Stable Physical Realization - then in fact - the Unification of Man is Here.

Exposed: My story about women: Desires, Fears, Self-dishonesties what I STOP

My partner started to reflect back how I behave especially with women.
I write about the points what so far we've been facing.
She told me that my attitude is that I try to use each and every single opportunity to please and touch and influence women to create sexual context.
My point of view is that this is ridiculously exaggerated - and at first times she started to share with me how she experiences this - I was rejective, I reacted with neglect and even with verbal aggression.

After a few times we played this out - as somehow some specific woman tend to prefer to spend time with me wherein sharing some intimate experiences, point of views, opinions, memories etc - and indeed I've discovered some self-dishonesty points within my application. I will mark some points with a (!) what obviously I see as a point of self-compromise based on memory/fear.

My partner, S. also told me that I still can not release my first girlfriend('wife') in mind, who with I was with about almost 7-8 years ago(at least on paper we married and after about 4 years spent together - we split and divorced).
As we ended that relationship - we had issues with each other but after a while - and after 2007 as I've started Self-forgiveness, I've faced her and we met regularly until I was not satisfied with my inner reactions towards her(!).

So she me that with my first girlfriend I am still attached to and the proof is that when recently she just came back from abroad, I met with her quite soon.

So - I will write about my experiences and memories regarding to women as well and how I deceived myself with this point - how I behave with women and when and how and why I do compromise my consistence within remaining Self-honest by desires and fears.

Sometimes within this document - I write about points not directly related to 'women' - about for instance drugs, spirituality - these will make the 'story' longer but I will still remain within this 'context'.

After hearing of I am obsessed with women - the first Self-definition point what I see within me is the following:
Before I came together with my first 'real' relationship('girlfriend', 'wife', we lived together) - she rejected me for almost a year - and I did cry a LOT when my approach to come together with her obviously failed - the cry occured last time - and in that point I felt so much hurt within myself - because all my starting point was of her - and I threw away everything else as starting point and when she said that she does not neeed me - I was nothing, I was of zero, I was walking dead. And within that cry I've decided not to suffer from women anymore. Literally, it was a principle what I clearly wanted to lay down within my existence that 'because of women, I will not suffer again' - that was the last time when I did cry, about in 1999-2000. Crying as for instance mostly women and children do(! lolol) with great ease - somehow that is off.
Then she went to the US for a time and I went into depression. I started to drink heavily, punkrock concerts, stagediving, self-destruction, touching alcoholism(when reached the point of after 2-3 bottles of wine I still felt 'sober' - I've changed to short drinks for instance gin, some bitter shorts etc). Okay this was a process to reach this point but meanwhile there was an other event - what I already wrote in a blog post in about 2007 - when I was extremely sick and I had almost 42c fever for days and I almost died and I had an experience of out of body while perceiving my body and others being busy to bring down my body temperature in order to not letting me fade away. So there was this girl who was nestling me literally unconditionally, like mother or sister, Erika, she really assisted me without a blink. After deciding to remain in this world, I became better and I started to release my depression because of my unresponsed love.

Meanwhile still walking down on the hill of alcoholism, I was with a young girl who I knew from MUD(telnet-based text-multi-player roleplay game) and we married in the game then we met and we did drink alcohol and then we did sex.
I was so enthusiastic about here is a real girl who I can do sex with - I remember at the kitchen of the dormitory I was trying to lick her pussy but somehow the taste of her body was so intense, so 'raw' - that I almost did vomit - but by the strong want to have sex, I could overcome even the smell of her body what I never really liked. Not that she was stinky, but somehow that was I guess, not my 'taste' - yet mentally I was able to override this within me, so we came together. But she was 17, virgin, sometimes literally hysteric, so it was not really 'boring'. After a while we learnt how to do sex, we did it in secret from her family, but honestly - the sex thing was what pulled me into this - and yes, the other point was she adored me.

We agreed on that if one of us would not 'love' the other anymore, then we must end our relationship. But as 'love' as I 'had' that who I did cry for before - I never had - in fact I never wanted again, so it was ok, but in a way I never really 'loved' her. She was in some sort of religious high-school from me about 200 Km, she was in this black metal, black clothes thing while she hated religion and priests - and I found myself in 'distance-relationship' - we met about 2-3 days in 2 weeks for about 8 months. At the end I guess I got bored and I started to enjoy that her older sister started to show up her interest to me and my girlfriend had these jealousy frenzies what we enjoyed with her sister - but nothing happened.
In one day, I told to my girlfriend that I do not love her anymore, we should end it right now - then she was crying for long hours and I did regret that I said that, even I could be with her again if I could undo that - but there was no way back.

After that, my big love who I cried for the last time came back from US and told me that she realized, she wants me, and I was really surprised and we came together. I did not believe in her for months, I was waiting for the moment in fear when she would say that this was just an other psychological test(her 'profession'). But she wanted me so much, so it was then officially a relationship.
In a way that's why I do not take any of my 'interest' within woman seriously unless it's constant for months.(!)

So, when I was in this relationship some years ago - with my first 'love' - I never could imagine other woman with me than her - in that time I never 'felt', I never wanted to 'have' other women - however I've spent quite time with other girls at the University - many times I did drink with them, even sometimes we slept in the same bed - but I never consciously thought even the possibility to 'cheat' my partner in that time - about in 2000. I was even proud of that, that I am 'straight' in that and I liked myself for that - After about two years - there was one specific girl, who I mentioned that assisted me when I was sick, Erica - who was always very kind with me and in fact that my 'girlfriend' reacted towards her with extreme jealousy - because somehow I always referred to her as my beloved sister and my girlfried hated that - but with Erika nothing has happened really except I had this unconscious attraction towards her what I never felt to need physically experience - I really felt like she was my second 'sister'.

There were issues when she was also pulled into situations of sexual temptations - and I was jealous like hell - and with alcohol - I was really fucked up in that time - one day I remember I was literally heading the brick wall really strong to get rid of the extreme mental and emotional pain of jealousy. And it was clear that my girlfriend liked me to manipulate me with the point of other men, for instance with the ones with big muscles - as I am a thin guy - and I was enormously frustrated and developed a resonant jealousy and hate within me towards men with muscles - what years later I could release only.
My roommates from the dorm never really liked my girlfriend as they always said that she was fucking my brain but I always told them 'you never could understand this'. She was not evil, she was just screwed up by definition coming from a deeply religious family wherein she was the 'black-sheep' within the family because she did not live literally like a nun.

Many scars we gathered together what we never could directly face or discuss, not even stop - in a way, I perceived that like somehow 'I am living faster than the people around me' - I was living with my girlfriend in an apartment and I felt like I am married since 30 years - and it was really heavy. She really assisted me in a way - financially, phychologically etc... I remember before we met - I barely could speak with women - I was afraid to even look into the eye of a woman without having my face being red - and I could not directly speak. That's why alcohol she gave me to be able to speak with me. I could write a full-blown book only about that 4 years of university, but here I bring up one more important point and then I will focus onto the 'women and relationship' again:
One day she gave me a book "A rainbow of consciousness" by Feldmár Andrew.
It was about rebirth, how we are fucked by our parents, family and how with LSD, DMT we could re-experience the moment of innocence and emptyness and by pushing ourselves through birthing again - we can start over. Or at least for me this was the message and I've read that book 3 times. But in that time I never considered drugs. But that was one point what took me and my mind absorbed it without much notice. Within my relationship we did less sex already, we built up a distance between us, I did not liked that there were places within 'her life' where she never allowed me to go - for instance her drawer she hated when I even opened that and I felt like I am abused by being with her but not sharing everything unconditionally. Of course I did not need her panties, but it was a symbol - and then I screwed with her simply opening her drawer and poking her stuff and singing 'lalalalalalala' while enjoying her screaming like hell. We knew that we screwed up our 'big love' but we could not help, we wanted to end yet we did not wanted to end.

After some years, when I've finished university - I've moved to Budapest and in that time I've started to 'experiment' the so called psyhedelic drugs. For that time our relationship was already in severe trouble as we did not live together anymore(she remained in Debrecen city for a year more to finish University) and we did not speak frankly+directly and we allowed our feelings and emotions to direct us, so the end was in a way inevitable. However we married on paper for her 'green card' - and we lived together at several places. But it did not work really so we finally split.

After that - I did not even wonder about women for a while because I built up an other relationship with LSD, with mushroom, with hash etc... In a way, the stuffs blew my mind but somehow I persuaded myself that it's like with computers - I am directing, and there is absent of this social context wherein I was always lost since childhood.
With my girlfriend, our relationship was not ended in 'harmony' - we always had argues and as I remember now - I already started to watch and wonder about other women - but still never could imagine to physically express this. I've started to suppress these 'feelings' in about 2002-2003. So then we 'officially' ended our relationship and I was living alone.

After a while - I've realized that I am alone - I do not have girlfriend - so I started to define myself as 'alone' - not only as 'lonely as myself' but as 'open for women'.
However his openness excluded even the possibility for a new 'relationship' with another girl - as I made myself obviously clear about what we did with my girlfriend - was not really 'healthy' from the perspective of self-development for the long term. So I've judged relationship according to our 'just finished' relationship. Fuckedupness, pink bubble, selfishness, ego-playout, dependency, habit, hideout, pretending, self-doubt, fear are the words what come up from that point.

After that there were phases when I stopped pushing the acid like hell(mostly when literally touching the constant experiences of schizophrenia of endless mental dimensions and facing direct physical rudeness of my existence)- and in a degree in these time frames - my 'normally operating' mind melted together for being able to state out - I need woman.

So then I was able to see that I am missing woman, especially by suppressed sexual desire.
For a while I met with girls through Internet-dating sites. That was very hectic. Mostly I went to meet violently stoned, smoking one-three giant sips from the bong and then I've experienced extreme resistance to go out to the street and go into the mass transit, the subway - many times I've literally fell apart within and in a way, from some unnamed perversion, I liked this - to literally walking through this resistance step by step what came so intensely that I had to push myself physically to finally meet with 'the' girl.
In fact nothing really happened in these occasions - about 5-10 times I did this - except that the most direct ones told me that I am crazy at the utmost degree - then I realized that doing this is bullshit.

I was in the middle of my 'dark ages' when I did push psychedelics as much as I could - very rarely I came across with girls who were a bit similar to me - not only the attitude - but probably about the self-dishonesties within too.
So then specific girls somehow started to be attracted towards me - and I was almost outside from me by the drugs and my strong desire to 'fly' - and when I experienced physical touch with a girl - somehow I was almost pulled into situations where I was directed by my desires and strongly influenced by girls. Not much girls, about 2-3 I can count throughout these years.

But the meaning of this was that I've found myself to be defined by myself that "I do not run after women, they should come at me if they really want something."
And I liked that - by that self-definition I did not need to wander much within myself regarding to women - I am simply as I am and if a woman wants me, then she can fish me out of the chaos. Also it was like I am the great Tala who for women come haha shit.

So I've defined myself 'alone' - in the situation wherein I do not need to focus to one girl - but I can touch more than one if I can - but I could not - as I did not do anything for that - it was an other self-definition - that I can 'play' with multiple women as I am currently not in a relationship. It was a suppressed desire.

In fact nothing really happened - at occasions, women approached me - and almost always - I rejected them but not directly - mostly simply sneaking away when I could and then they probably got it.

But most of the time - I was so fucking busy with overwhelming my brain with acid and salvia and mushroom and hash, that probably I was not the one that women strive for within the current human system.

In that time I was already playing with tibetian buddhism - okay, how I got into that: Because I practiced Aikido and the Sensei told me that I should read Buddha - so I've read many sutras from the buddhist scriptures and at one night I was very sick and I had a dream about a foggy shining form what was saying some mystic syllabes and I felt myself miracoulously I was cured. Or at least I perceived like that - what really happened I never could clarify directly. But in that time I did not use much common sense - I was absolutely driven by my childhood prorgramming through family, school, hollywoodoo movies and my fears - so by influences from outside - I was literally directed within the Matrix by my nose.

Back there I was not able to comprehend that dream - it was something very strange, mystical and intense. However I was reading through multiple dozens of new age/spiritual/zen/buddhist books and I've found definition of a buddha aspect chenresig, the compassion form of the buddhas, and it's blahblah: om mani padme hung. So then That I identified with my dream and I was very keen to define myself to be invited by this buddha form into the Tibetan buddhism. So I started to walk into that shit without a blink.

I had one-two mates who with we've pushed our mind with the hippie drugs already within great velocity, so together we approached one of the western buddhist flagship group, the Kagyu lineage of Tibetian Buddhism, with Karmapa, Lama Ole.
I do not go into the details about that - but in that time we experienced many energetic overwhelming experiences regarding to meetings and 'lectures' and 'initiations' and ceremonies, so very soon we've joined into the 'group' and started to make ourselves familiar with the practice. Before that I've practiced the Zen sitting and watching and 'allowing the mirror of the lake to become smooth by releasing the thoughts desires feelings' but somehow these always came back when I stopped the focus on the 'inner silence' - I was able to suppress these by my enormous want to get rid of my shit - but after I stood up and walked with people again - I was lost again. I needed something else. That's why I was very opened to the Tibetan shit, that's why it attracted me because it gave me hope.

So there I've met S., my current partner - but in that time we did not come together - I've wrote about that already in some of my previous blog posts in the last years - but slowly I've started to show up the pattern of 'love' regarding to her - what I previously walked through with the conclusion of 'avoidable'.

But she was different in a way than my ex-wife - from my perspective it was one level up as her intent was apparently very similar to mine, to reach the full enlightenment and buddhahood and all of this lolness agenda.

By walking with her in Asia - we did not come together - we were such great egos that we could not yield from our stubbornness.
Once we did sex and her boyfriend was very aggressive on the skype with her and I did regret what I've done to make her cheat with me - and then she felt like fell 'between two horses' - and she was really out of control, cried and approached me with bully and wanted to force me to stay with her and I could not take self-responsibility, my pink bubble of her beauty was off and I saw her as a 'normal human' and then I was not really interested in her. Yet she was still fucked up and she was sick and I just wanted to avoid her because I could not 'process' this clearly within me. We were in the middle of our Asian tour and I've forced myself to not travel with her anymore and I was with other hippies, Italians for instance in India etc. I just smoked tons at the gathering Kumbh Mela while by taking bath in the Ganga hoping that I will get rid of my karma. OMG WTF.

I've burnt myself again with the self-fuckedupness by definition according to women. So in that phase - I've again closed myself down from this part of existence.

And there were girls (almost typed 'grills' lol) who approached me, some even directly to just try out an 'one night stand' with me but I always slipped away. The intensity with I've closed myself down sexually was remarkable.

I could not handle direct communications, I could not handle when women who I am attached to not behave the way as I imagined or wanted to - then simply I was about to leave - to not even get close to face the same points wherein I've defined myself as 'fallen' already.
Also I've faced some near-death experiences, what were physical 'accidents' wherein in one moment I was able to release all my mindshit to physically act and literally save my ass from the certain death - in those moments - I was not aware of, but it happened: I released all my spiritual desires, dishonesties, and I was moving physical without any definition. However I fell again, I did smoke again, I was off money, I was alone, I was sick, I directly experienced the metal-claws of the Matrix about how it handles the ones who are off power(money, self-will). It was rude, raw, painful and extremely awakening. I came back home to lick my wounds and recover from weight-loss. I did not consider women really, I slipped down in the pyramid of maslow to the survival-ism. Who wants to fuck when death is knocking at the door?

Then at Budapest - I had Internet at the first time at my place and as I was alone - I started to watch sex movies, I mean porn. When I was a kid - I also did that - the videotapes of my grandpa I watched and made myself extremely excited when I was about 10-14.

So then on the internet - I've watched porn and masturbated for a while. I re-approached internet-dating sites and I had not much 'success' - so then I've tried out more direct sites wherein people were about to find sex partners directly.

I felt like they are the same as the 'normal-relationship-seeking-ones' but these are with less sugar-like bullshit - wanting to find a partner who with they can have sex. That was my approach as well - and who with I will enjoy sex - it maybe can expand into a 'relationship' - but mostly I was simply driven my penis. But I never did fuck on Internet-dating.
It was too raw, too alien, too much I could have to do in order to just get what I really want - to satisfy my needs - but this was not what I wanted. I wanted REAL beings, real touch, real intimacy - even when I had no idea what is that meanwhile my desires pulled into meetings with strange women - I was always sure that it(life) is not just meet with a stranger and fuck.
So when physically I've faced these girls - not that much, about a half dozen - I did not initiate sex - once with one girl we did oral play but after that I decided not to continue that.

After that I've found Desteni Videos on Youtube - that was very new paradigm, I've never met this kind of message. So I was into that for a while. And after a while - I've realized - I am fucked way beyond I even can determine from where I am - so I must walk out from my accepted self-deception. So I started Self-Forgiveness, I started writing down what I contain as Mind Consciousness System - to see what I've accepted and allowed and what I must stop inevitably within this lifetime. Because this is not who I really am.

From that point it was obvious that I am not ready for relationship, about 2007 october - I stopped consciously seeking woman for relationship.
I started to focus on Self, first to clean up the bullshit agendas - at least the most obvious ones, drugs, spiritual/buddhist/shamanist/new age things - for long months I was very busy to literally forgive and let go of myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously participating within mantras and definitions and energetic experiences of the mind as with these systems I've shielded myself from reality as excuses anyway. As once Bernard told something like that: 'when the shit falls into the ventilator: immediately everything is full of shit' - that kind of direct experience when once can realize the Process as Self. Nowhere to go - I am every Here - so I deal with the shit.
But in the beginning the decision is real only, the physical walk must be explored.

I still participated within Internet dating - not really, but sometimes the suppressed sexual desire simply was very strong and it was like a some sort of possession - and then I was looking for a woman who is more likely for me but not really found.

Then, after 1-2 years - I realized that I am still dishonest about the desire/sex/porn/suppression/fear points - so I've accumulated a decision to a point where I was able to clearly state out that I want a real, physical woman.

Somehow I still refer woman to 'girl' as it still indicates that I am resonantly still looking for woman who is behaving like a girl for instance by starting point or by feelings - because the girl is then maybe 'irresponsible' or 'can be manipulated' - great points.
So then I was trying to persuade one-two specific girls around me that Agreement is the way, come on, what are you waiting for?

The first one was really a point what I had to understand how and why I am resonantly being attracted to women who are obviously dishonest and not really want to change but manipulate and hide behind false images.

There were some intense months, when I realized that I was walking a path wherein I am not really within the supportive environment from the perspective of Self-Honesty. That girl(here referred as 'G' - never wanted to be with me but enjoyed to play with me and I was driven by my desires and dishonesties. So then I made the decision to stop meeting with her. For months the hope lasted and when the patterns of fuckedupness came up what I already walked in the past - I realized I stepped into shit again. So I stopped that.

Then, the next girl, who I was within some sort of relationship - it was sexual at last - but that was mostly about that and we could never directly discuss points - and she apparently liked the 'idea' of Self-Forgiveness and walk as equals but in practical - never did - and I had to realize that I was hoping and sometimes I was projecting some anger towards her(!) what was because I was accepting shit within myself.

Meanwhile I visited Desteni farm - what I wanted since 2007 but I had no money, I had no way out from the current job - but I was sure that one day I will be able to go and it was so.
It was really assisting to see how these humans walk as equals at the farm and not accepting shit. Also I saw and spoke with beings within Agreement(for instance Leila and Gian, Maite and LeslieJohn) wherein they support themselves and each other as equals and face the points of Self-dishonesty within a sexual relationship - that was I wanted to try by myself. Also it was great assistance to discuss with my Resonances about how I am socially still holding onto points from specific phases of my early life wherein I am still responsible for separation regarding to my inner experiences and the world outside as manifested Self-dishonesty. I must walk from the Matrix of Perfection into the Self-Perfection.
So when I came back from the farm I was telling her that agreement is cool, we should do that but not really happened...she had still feelings towards her ex-boyfriend and I judged her as she sometimes did drink a lot of alcohol and hated herself for days then deciding not to do so again and timelooping within that. Each of occurrence of this loop - we became more and more distant.
At the end of that - when we already 'barely did sex' - this relationship faded out smoothly - and at the end she wrote an email about she found her love and she wants to be 'intimately' only with her new partner, so that's it. After that for an hour I was agry, it was fascinating to see - how I was angry at her - but in fact - I was angry at myself because I gave into the hope again - the hope that it can work, and at the end - I was angry at myself. I literally had to forgive myself to release this energetic possession what I was silently compressed, suppressed according to my fears/desires/hopes regarding to the pre-definition of 'agreement'.(!)

So then it was finished - and I had to realize that from the beginning of this relationship - I was compromised by my 'want' and 'hope' for make this to an Agreement, however my starting point was not clear, my starting point was of desire.

So then, I've decided to refine my starting point again and not to judge my 'fall' - because I was driven by ideas and not practical, physical reality.

After that I met with S. again - who I was with in Asia. So then we were about to being attracted sexually - however still I was facing with serious resistances. Resistance towards her - because of the memories what we participated within our past in Cambodia about 3-4 years ago.
These resistances were so imminent that I realized - this is a great opportunity to walk through my self-created reality what is of definitions, what is of fears, what is of assumptions.

I've noticed that she's changed. She had to change because she had a little child and by that she is more 'physical' - she has to consistently support her kiddo day by day, she can not fly away that much as she did years before - so that is really supporting for a woman and she was able to use some common sense. I've defined her that she did not change much within - but within application - yes - and we were able to discuss points what we were unable years back there.

I wanted to meet with her and deal with my shit what I've created regarding to her - at least to make sure that when I will engage into a next approach to form an agreement from relationship- I will not bring my past and I will not re-manifest my already manifested self-dishonesty.

I also noticed that I still 'contain' sexual affection towards S regardless of my fears. Probably that and the 'feel' that we screwed up before and wanted to 'correct' it - brought us together again.

I approached her about this - but I was unable to simply start a 'relationship' with her without seeing the 'end of the tunnel' - so I said to her that my plan is to leave the country in about next summer - but until that we could try this new thing what I saw people are doing at Desteni farm: Agreement. She told me that it sounds cool and she never was with a guy who with she could discuss points directly and anyways I am a bit more attractive for her than I was back there in Asia.

So we started to 'walk together' - and in fact we did not discuss points until the outmost degree, we did not stated the starting points directly, we did not lay down the basic words what we agree on, she is also not ready to share herself in her Birth Name on the internet, she was obviously not applying Self-Forgiveness since a while, so I was concerned - but as I was able to deal with her already(not as before some years ago - I was able to - or at least I persuaded myself that I am able to directly say things to her and not yield from points what are principles of myself), so then I was able to say to her that I can engage with her to try to manifest an Agreement.
And at least - sexually we do not have to wonder and participate within fantasies.


I was still meeting with the girl(G.) who I could not make a relationship with - I should refer them somehow because here I already mention a lot of woman and in fact it is quite a mess what I've created. So. G was S.'s friend and they meet quite often - also because of the buddhist agenda they participate together(the same where I met with them) - and they like each other.

So I met with G and while re-meeting with G - but already realized that not for relationship - for what then? This was a point where I could compromise myself with the point for instance: 'to face her and release the still existing self-dishonesties within me' - what I like to rephrase with ex-girlfriends(or ex-not-girlfriends) in order to meet with them. That should be investigated further more. So.

When I was meeting with S., at the beginning, G was often there - and my tendency was quite clear on the physical level - that I was still touching G more likely than S. - as in the beginning S. was of my past wherein we could not come along and she was 'more cool than' before - but I did not want to do something 'serious' with her.
But somehow when I met with G and S at the same time - all together they did not seem that 'dangerous'. Dangerous from my perspective. From the point of I could go into a frenzy about 'never wanting to have relationship with buddhist again' for instance - or 'never wanting to have a relationship with S.' - and 'never really wanting to build up a desire again towards G again - because it did not work practically'. So then somehow spending time with this two girls - I allowed myself to fall into the desire and I've manifested that physically like the following:

G likes guys wander around her and they please and excite her, verbally and physically, even a bit sexually but never going to the point of direct sex.
Touching, fondling, massaging, hugging and playing with words and just simply play around, going to party together, dancing and speaking.

At some point I was still mesmerized by her presence, by her body taste(Waist–hip ratio!), by her voice, by her attitude. And S. was also there, and I started to wonder about what if I also could play with her - as when I was with her alone - she was also opened in a way for me - and once she even stated that she could imagine to be with me and she also noted to me that she is more attracted to me since I am more directive.

So then as I've defined myself and my desires according to women - by the self-accepted definitions and informations - I started to notice that S. also wants the touch. I was high of this. I was not aware of this directly, I was not really wondering about how they really feel - I was simply using the opportunity and three of us played around, for instance did kissing together.
After that kissing - G went home, more precisely she went to meet with her new boyfriend - and I was with S..

Then we started to speak. Then we started to have sex. Then we spoke more and I've noticed that she is more stable than ever. What I noticed also that she is still holding onto the points what we faced in Cambodia 4 years ago - but I could handle it. I could speak to her directly and I could bring up points what she got. At least I perceived like that.

So then after a couple meetings together three of us - G did not show up that much - she started to fall into her usual 'very busyness' - she was lost within her tasks and duties and work and school etc - and her new boyfriend - so we did not meet that much - or if so - then we directly went to a party two of us then we spoke and did massage and dance for instance. But I noticed that my desire - my want her for sex - my strive for touching her - was not really present anymore - I started to be satisfied with S. and with our application and with my intent to introduce Agreement within our speak, within our discussion, within our application.
What was really assisting to realize - that sometimes I stil 'had' the need to please her - in fact to please myself with her - but sometimes not - and after some events - I realized the truth - that in fact it is MY DECISION - but I was not honest with myself within my applications - that always I decide what I participate within. Obviously I was not directly aware of the beginning of 'not wanting to please with G' - that in fact I decided not to - but not directly, but by the accumulation of 1+1=2. Then I realized - I can decide anything - then I can walk myself into my decision as reality - and then by walking - I can face myself - is that direct physical - or still based on energetic waves? Anyways - I stopped wondering about G as I had no desire for 'woman' - because I experienced it with S.

So it happened like that - S. sometimes noted that she is not absolutely happy about when three of us met that I was more likely focusing to G - but I said to her that if it is a problem, then say so, and then she answered that it is not a problem. At least she wanted equal attention in these times. That was the beginning of our relationship.

Probably by 'simply' 'alone' I could never imagine myself to engage into a 'relationship' with S. - but at the beginning G was here and by her 'sugarlike/cheesey/sweet/honey-like' attitude - my 'edgyness' was reduced and I was not full of walls regarding to anything about S..

So we then 'officially' came together - G I did not see for months - and I was with S..

I've noticed some points from my past what directly came up and I've allowed it. For instance I've smoked again. Yes, after 3 years no smoking, after deeply realizing how I fucked myself up with that in long term - somehow I was tempted by the stuff and then for weeks I was resisting the stuff to smoke - but in fact I made the opportunity to have some - and I lied to myself - 'for a guy who visited me from abroad' - and when that guy came and he said that 'he was full of that shit in the last months and he does not want to smoke' - the stuff remained - and then for weeks I was fighting the inevitable. I've smoked. For one-two occasions I even would not judge myself - but I did more so.
And meanwhile I was meeting with S. - with the stuff I guess I was armoring, pacing myself - or at least my ego.

At that point I was conscious about I am walking shit again - but I compromised my walk by allowing any excuse for the fact that I am walking with a partner who directly expressed that she is curious the desteni material, the self-forgiveness, the Agreement as she is fed of the sneaky bastards who she was with in the name of 'relationship' wherein she even allowed abuse by the guys. She also wanted change and it was clearly true.
In that point I did not consider her starting point - I did not consider myself within the 'shoes' of her - and I did not consider my desires and my fears according to relationship.

I did not give myself fully into that - I was 'just meeting with her' - I was 'just' speaking with her and I was 'just' having sex with her meanwhile stating to her that 'Let's manifest an Agreement' - while I did not focus onto points what came up - for instance the self-suppression by smoking when fear comes up - so I've manifested a timeloop.
Also another self-compromise point what I allowed and I must make sure I will not deceive myself by this again is the following:
-I realized I am slipping, but directly I did not FACE MYSELF to dig out immediately as moment - as I've accepted the resonant FEAR to realize the self-dishonesty what I allow within myself - so the excuse was this:
'I do not exactly know/understand/realize the 'nature' or the 'core' of this dishonesty, so I dare myself to make mistake and I trust myself, so I will learn from this shit anyways...'.(!) No comment, fascinating - this kind of dishonesty I already walked before some times and this is the first time I can write it down.

Meanwhile I was still meeting with an other woman, for my second job, at this point since one and half year - she was the one who gave the job, in a way 'principal/contractor' and I enjoyed to meet with her even regarding to the job - and I was not directly aware of she could imagine me as her partner - I did consider her and I did consider her as my possible partner for agreement - but that girl stated out several times that she wants 'family', 'love', 'house in the country', 'children' and that kind of life. And I judged that kind of way extensively - because I've came from that - or at least what people call like that and I directly experienced this as a catastrophe.

I did not initiate sex with her - but we did meet in a spa, we did huggings, fondlings, speaking about intimate things - and I was not directly clear about I do not want her - it was like I did not want to fuck with her, because it could mean I am dishonest, because I was afraid to engage her in relationship - but anything else then can occur - because as 'cheating' - I 've defined fuck only and anything else is still cool, I am still self-honest if I even excite or allure another woman.

In fact this woman in a way is that kind of programmed definition of 'beauty' within me - pure hollywood stuff - long curly dark hair, the perfect Waist–hip ratio, her voice etc - I was mesmerised by her presence and by her attention towards me. Not much that I could go into an obsession/posession, but it accumulated and influenced me.

I also noticed that much assistance I get from her - the speaking, touching with her - was like intentionally melting down the ice of walls within my mind according to face women and open up and not fear to share and express. She sent me to contact dance, to get physical within touch and explore physical equality and balance with any partner in any moment - that she walks since years, so that I've defined as very cool.

Yet I could not try to even approach her directly with the idea of we may could try to be together - and I was aware of she will not do the first step, so it was cool, I had nothing to 'fear' from walking into serious fields wherein I could fail as I did in the past. So sometimes I simply expressed myself with her regardless of desire, no urge, no mask, then I experienced this attraction towards her, then it was gone. I liked that, I experienced some 'space' within me without the direct experience of fear from 'falling into a relationship wherein I am not in directive principle'.

Meanwhile 'I came together with S' and met with this woman(girl), and(lol) also an other girl slept at my place and I also did fondling and naked sleep with her - and I fell into the desire and I toucher her - and again - I did not fuck with her - it was almost too much and with her we in fact realized it was too much - we do not do that again and this was cool - but then something 'more than touch but less than fuck' happened again.

What I realized when I started my process that all the temptations of the mind I must walk unwaving - and there is one temptation for me - here - is this temptation from women, sexual temptation - not even the sex directly - to swirl around specific pieces of skins of the body in order to electrify quick or long-term energetic rushes - it's not even about that - but how I define myself according to women. 'Of course' I've managed to manifest some sort of sexual addiction within me - but I always was aware of that death will come one day and in one blink we are no more - and also that fact that each women will almost literally rot in alive while reaching the age of 60-70-80 years - so from the perspective of 'time' - for me it was always 'easy' to release that 'obsession' with 'beautiful women' - because I blink a thousand or ten thousand more and this beautiful body will be saggy and weak, shaking and sick, ugly and stinky - so fucking what? But this idea of power and about women what with I've allowed myself to fuck myself up.
So when I Started Process in 2007 - I realized I will be tempted with women extensively and I must walk the talk of Self-honesty and one of my 'points' is of this - but this came so fast that I did not realize that I am already within this phase of being tempted even sexually by a half dozen of women.

And my partner, S. told me that she is not really hell-like about that I resonantly play alpha-male, she simply said that I am sneaking around women again and again, and at least I should take Self-responsibility about these things and these women who I give hope and then in fact not stand by and with them. Not even speaking about 'MY' 'Agreement' with her.

Meanwhile I was pushing her points what I was seeing on her - and I directly asked her to push me by my points, even by this 'obsession with women' - to get the reflection of what I physically am and of - that's why I wanted to Walk Agreement - to get the points what I can not see - what I do not want to realize by myself.

So then sometimes when she pointed out that she is experiencing that I still behave with women as I am open - regardless of her presence or her notes. It's like this constant obsession of needing to assert to myself that I am needed for women.

And meanwhile I still allowed myself to smoke - and when I was simply tired or I was not really 'up to' meeting S. - I smoked, I played with computer for instance Call of duty Black ops for some hours - then "ahh shit, it's 20:00 already, I want to face her and I simply pushed myself into rushing to 'meeting with her'" and 'just' see what will happen.

It happened like this for some times - and around this point was when I stopped vlogging blogging for some months. I wanted to do so - but I was full of self-accepted self-dishonesty.

After some time I started to be really fed up about my dishonesty - and I told this to S. - in fact I was still doing VLOGs and some writings - but I simply judged it as myself as shit and I simply deleted or considered as 'not really supportive' for sharing as I could not stand by the starting point of these expressions.

When I saw the microexpressions on my face in a vlog - what I directly could define as 'irritation', 'anger' and 'confusion' - I made the decision to stop smoking and open this up directly with my partner S. and start to write about it directly and start to accumulate Self-Will to stand up from Self-dishonesty.

At the moment I've decided to do so - I immediately experienced quite a relief - from the burden what I manifested and what I carried - but it's still within me and when I am not directly breathing HERE - it is influencing me in such a degree that I am still participating within self dishonesty.
I realized - again - that I must accumulate Self-direction, Self-will, Self-honesty by starting over from 'scratches' - no way I could remain as Infinity as I am at the moment, so I push.

Meanwhile S. was still telling me that I do look very possessed about the women point and it looks like I still fear and I still want to prove something or want to avoid direct responsibility with my current partner.

And at moments I realized something about this -refractions, glimpses - but at occasions I simply neglected it and resisted and I attacked her with my favourite point within our relationship: that she is still participating within tibetian buddhism - she is still hoping and doing absolute shit instead of acting within Self-honesty.

She was quite fed off my stuff and myself as well - and then as I was telling her that I do not accept shit for a long time, she told the same - and then I started to release this ego-shield - what I developed as excuse-system within and as my mind to not needing to realize what I am still participate within myself from the starting point of Self-dishonesty.

Then I've started to accumulate decision within my writing and investigate through writing again and again about the points and then I've noticed that she is right - and I want to have multiple women - because somehow I am not satisfied with the one - and I even remember for stating out that there are two-three women around me that all of them together if we could come along - would make the perfect relationship for me. So then that simple sacred geometry triangle information system I've defined as myself. And by that self-definition I have aligned myself with and as this information within my expressions without a blink, without even considering the women who I was 'thinking about' to - in fact - have them for me. LOL. And of course never wanting to stand with them as equals as me with taking full responsibility - so it was not really Life.

As I write this down - it is obviously not Self-Honesty within action. But to stand up for the self-created resistances what I was not even aware of - about WHY I was unable to directly face this point within myself for a long-long time.

This I've noticed already that here is my partner and there are points - HERE are points what she is directly pointing out simply by speaking about it to me - and when she is saying that this is bullshit - I at times simply neglect or am unable to do anything about in the moment - and there are year-like seconds - time stops, I am here and there is no way to go anymore and then I realize - well - there is no more running - it is exposed.

Recently we also discussed the point of fear from 'infinite' placement of self within a relationship, within an agreement. My need of wanting to 'see the end of the tunnel' is of self-definition. I must release this within Self-honesty.

If I look at the issues what I 'bring' into my current relationship - it is already reduced - I can stop some points already - because of the supporting environment of our relationship what has been started to transform into an agreement.

The sex-based occupations what are of the mind such as suppressed desires, fantasies, porn - rarely still come up but I am not giving into that, I am not participating - even when I accidentally face such things - I notice that I am here, I breath - and I must be sure that I do not accumulate any slightest inner reaction toward these kind of expressions - because then I will be possessed again.

The fear from being within a relationship - is reducing at every time we meet - by realizing that I have nothing to fear - I am the directive principle of my life - in fact accumulating self-will to place myself into the active application of 'what is best for all'.

The sexual desires towards other women, especially the ones who I mentioned, who I still meet and who even sometimes express their interest and attraction towards me even sometimes not only by 'giving attention' but sometimes sexually - I must realize that I am in an agreement wherein I stick to the words with what we agreed on to walk this process - and that is more important than some temporally occupation within sex with somebody who I did not agree with for walking as equals - however if energetic reactions would come up - I know that the definitions regarding to unknown and the hope could come up what I already realized that is of fear, that is of self-dishonesty.
I directly told the other women that I made the decision to walk with S. at this moment, I take responsibility and however I do not play monk with them(a hug for instance is ok but pleasing I must not participate within), however I do sex only with S.
I am still correcting myself by not participating within desire - at all - with any women - but 1+1=2 - accumulation and by realizing the re-location of myself by and as the principle of What is best for all - I am able to stand up for desires, I am able to walk through programmed-fear of I am not good enough and to polarize/compensate that constantly seeking for affirmations from women because I've defined my power according to beauty and women.

So that's it for now about reviewing -again- my points towards women and relationship - I stand as the process of stopping my participation within the mind.
I see that each time I write about this topic - the more I open, the more directly I share the core points within my intimacy about my self-dishonesties. And I also realized that what I did not share within my previous writing about these things before - are of self-definitions - because anything I share as I perceive myself to be - is of the mind what I've became - and if I am shy about points, if I regret points - if I still want to things keep in secret - about those points in fact I still do not want to change - that's why I do not want to expose those points.

So I keep pushing each point by sharing. This document is 'deep' enough to use it as material for Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective application.

This is part of facing my resonant fear from expressing myself constantly so I must face, realize, forgive, stop, release and let go unconditionally within constant, stable physical expression breath by breath.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Self-forgiveness on following distractions while doing SRA/Desteniiprocess homework

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by things at my computer, especially when I do have access to Internet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention by things popping into my mind while I am focusing to do something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to check things out at the internet while I am doing SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept distraction when I decided to do something - I do NOT follow thoughts of what I should check - even when it's just seconds.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I let myself to be distracted from what I am doing - I am accepting myself as being distracted, I accept myself as divertion instead of pushing the activity as myself within full focus until it's done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow popping up ideas and thoughts while I am focusing to do something what I decided to do so, because I allowed myself to fear that if I would not check the thing what popped in my mind - then I would forget it - instead of realizing that I can direct myself to remain aware of what I wanted to do WHILE I am still focusing to do the activity - within this particular example, the SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept distractions while I am doing SRA exercise - I am in fact deliberatedly trying to divert my attention from the SRA homework as a manifested resistance from doing it until it's done.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I participate within unconscious resistances towards something.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I participate within unconscious resistances towards SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to automatically follow the distraction points while I am doing SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am being diverted by distractions from SRA homework until the internet was gone - and here is no internet at this moment, so after two-three tries of doing some other activities - and I could not - I realized that I participate within directly physically manfiested distractions - and I do not think of it, I do not wonder, I act immediately and even sometimes allowing such an inner reaction as: "I just check this out, its just seconds" - and it might be only seconds but while I participate within distractions - I can again accept distractions and then the time is already being spent on what is not really relevant from the perspective of I decided to do at this time the SRA homework.

If I sit down to do SRA homework, I direct myself to remain within focus.
If I experience a thought popping up about what I should check out/do while I am focusing on SRA homework - I remain within the awareness of Self-direction that I am doing SRA homework now - and I simply note down the thing what I will LATER check/do if I want to do so.
If I experience a thought poppping up about what I should check out/do while I am focusing on SRA homework and I do 'automatically' follow it and starting to do it - I realize that I am being distracted, I am diverting, I let it go, if required, I may make a note about doing that and re-aligning myself with and as inner silence and keep doing the SRA homework.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and do anything what pops up within my mind in the moment because of fearing of otherwise I might forget that to do - instead of simply making a note into an other document for instance a 'todolist.txt' and remaining within the context of the current focus of SRA homework.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Spirituality and religion is the same: Self-deception - no more!

With and as Act of Self-Honesty - EACH have the opportunity to realize the Self-dishonesty within all kind of Spirituality - they are the same - only the picture is different - look at christians, buddhists, hinduists, islamists etc - they are doing the same - only the picture towards they hope for is different within the participation of Separation through belief- and hope-based Self-definition formed by Back Chat. Check this video out if you dare about the topic of 'Spirituality as a Back Chat':

Spirituality is a Back Chat

I've gowned up around Christians, I even visited and listened the temples and ceremonies and priests for a while - I do speak of experience - I've visited Egypt and walked with Islams, I've visited Hindu gurus and Buddhist lamas in India, I've practiced that thing, I've read many-many scriptures - for years the programmed fear and hope made me unable to realize that these stuffs does not really help of the CORE of Self-dishonesty - only pacing the mind and building up and becoming information systems of excuses and justifications of why I do not stand up for the abuse against Life all over the fucking planet.

It is tough to realize what one has been accepted and allowed to manifest as this existence - but until one can not face Self as Physical Reality - there is no chance for Self-Realization and until that - there will be no Self-Responsibility and one is just one more arrogant self-righteous fucker who is participating within abuse by maintaining and protecting the current system what is being fueled by money.

I am only one cell of the Global Human System - but I resonate this as myself until the end of times: I do not support religion, I do not support spirituality - I support All Life as Physical. Because within the Physical - all spyritual agendas are failing big to bring about a change - since how long we do have religion, spiritdual agendas around - and what is the result? Physically? These are great methodologies in order to make humans busy, make humans occupied, make humans hope, make humans pay, make humans accept and allow.

I clearly stand with and as these words: I do not accept religion or spirituality as Life because it gives hope and falsehood by not taking direct Self Responsibility for All as One as Equal as Life Here on Earth as the Physical. Spirituality and Religion does not want to Change the current Money System - only within that it wants you to pay. A complete reconsideration, a new paradigm is required with valuing Life First!

After each newborn is 'safe' from the collective greed and fear and harm of the current human system - we can talk about other dimensions and energies and chakras and faraway heavens- but first let's Equalize Money on Earth- and by that - each can have a dignified life. And there is no excuse to not even try that - if one criticize Desteni and Equal Money without openly and common sensically investigatint Self as World as All as One as Equal within Oneness and Equality - they in fact these cells within the Global Human Body are actively protecting the current abusive system and therefore we, at desteni must mark these beings as untrustworthy at this moment - because they can not make the basic mathematical equation of 1+1=2 here on Earth within Physical Practicality by regarding Life - because the possession of self-definition system as excuses and justifications of why one do not stand up for the ones who are in fact being abused.

And then there are great examples when for instance one rich guy is paying for 10 poor little boy for the food in Africa - that is alright - regardless I should investigate the starting point of such an act - because the current system will not change - and by fighting within the system - by playing good against bad - I am of polarity, I am of separation - we must embrace all parts of the current human system and as Creation we must mathematically make sure that we exclude all possibilities of harming by simply equalizing Power, equalizing Money, equalizing Life.

I do not have personal agenda against spirituality or religion, I will not burn you if you currently define yourself as this information system demon - I simply realized that until one can not understand, realize, forgive, release this possessions - will not Stand up for and as All life within Practical Physical Reality, therefore it can not be accepted as Life. Simply that. I take responsibility for what I've accepted and allowed to manifest Here on Earth, including delusions as well. I must be the change, as my direct reality wherein I direct Life within the consideration of What is Best for All.

Let use my words to be more clear:

If one DO NOT consider to actually do something what has an impact on this world - for instance by considering Equal Money - because it can be mathematically proven that this would be a kick-start for manifesting a System what Supports All Life - then that one I can not trust, I can not support - only I can give reflections and directions to how to assist and support oneself to realize and walk the Process of Self Forgiveness to become Equals with and as All Life.

And if one have issues with Trust - particularly Trust in Desteni - one should consider to Join Desteni I Process - because within that - all aspects of Self can be re-evaluated, re-aligned with Self-Honesty, Self-Will, Self-Direction, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Trust - within the consideration of What is Best for All.

Trust yourself - and BE the change - do not trust in the individuals of the group, do not trust in the group - Trust the Principle of All Life must be Valued regardless of Money.

Be Here to make sure that this Group stands for Life. This is Responsibility. Be the Directive Principle as Life.

Thou Shalt Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.

I trust myself as Act as Physical. I do not trust spiritduality, I do not trust religion. I trust physical consistency as Self only Here. I support Equal Money System.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

How I got to Desteni? Why I stand with and for Equal-Money and World-Equality?

How I got to Desteni?

I've growned up in a tiny village. My family members has some fuckups for instance alcoholic-abuse, jail, psychiatry etc. Somehow my only choice seemed to be to learn and study continuously to avoid poverty. At quite early stage of my life I realized that I can't become somebody like my family members because that is obviously limited and not really 'pleasant'.
When I was a kid, I was very introverted - my interest was nature and do things with tools, but then very soon I found that my interest perfectly matched with computers.
I had enormous fears inside of me and as a kid - I was very busy to find methods and occupations to avoid this direct, intense, tainted 'feel' of fear. Many nights I could not fall asleep as I felt like I have something huge within me what I am falling into without a starting point, without a stable ground - I felt like I am falling forever in the endless Universe.
I was able to rapidly learn the occupations from my family members what made me diverted from my fears - keeping myself constantly busy with imagination, daydreaming, thinking, even with sexual arousedness - I was able to divert my attention from how I experience myself physically here to my own created self-definition systems.
I've created several personality manifestations within myself - what were not directly related with my Physical Beingness - for instance by playing Fantasy Role-Playing Game - I've created Talamon, a powerful wizard superhero character who have no ethical or moral limitation within, who have no laws or principles what he is subjected to - a some sort of Demonic expression as a Possession of Compressed Manifestation of Self-Definition as Ego. I was very busy to suppress who I am in the physical, I started to perceive my physical beingness just as a vessel, a prison, what I must step beyond somehow - by perceiving the mind consciousness as the real power instead of my Human Physical body. With these starting points I've walked into the System and I started to learn.
I studied bookkeeping and computer programming at high school, later on I went to University of Natural Science to learn Programming Mathematics.
My path was in a way always close to drugs(until a point as alcohol) - my family members, such as my father had serious issues with alcohol - he basically ruined his life with it and he did die in a pit sunken drunk alone. That was an outstanding example of where to I am not going to walk within my life - however at University from a point - let myself to be persuaded by the roommates - I started to drink. In a way it was a wake-up from my closed-up-ness and inhibition - but on the other part - I've fucked myself up extensively by going after things what are not real for instance love. I realized with alcohol I am killing myself - I had several health-related issues because of the pattern of alcoholic-self-abuse, so I desperatedly wanted change.
After finishing the University, I've started to use so called psychedelic drugs - Marijuana, LSD, Magic mushroom, Salvia, DMT - and I've changed in a way - but within the core of my being - not really. I was always very unsatisfied with my expressions - I've judged myself and I wanted power to have freedom but something was always in the way what I perceived as I have to fight myself through. I've stopped alcohol, as it was too rude, too raw, too aggressive to my body - and I realized - my body is required to keep myself together - at least for a while - and I did not like the effect of alcohol as it brought the nasty animal from within what I was afraid of in probabilities of unwanted harm of others. So I've changed alcohol to drugs entirely.

The experiences what I went through with LSD for instance - were some sort of 'White Light' experiences what I've felt as some influence and programming without myself being really aware of them - however somehow I was able to experience the 'undefined'. I could not grab anything within my mind and the only thing I was able to repeat 'whats going on?' - after the first impacts of this drug - I experienced some sort of opening up to things - the world, my mind, my desires - but in that time my attention excluded my fears. After some of these experiences - I wanted to find the explanation of these - what I perceived to find within the 'eastern teachings'. The more I did the LSD - the more I was able to armor myself up from the things what made me appear as defensive - and until a point it was cool - but in fact by these drugs I made myself to believe in things what are not physically real. In that time I did not realize this.

With the methods, substances, starting points what I used - time to time (when I experienced loss and fall) I reflected back to my experiences of my perception of "Am I a 'better' person? Still am I 'rigid' and 'closed' and 'powerless'? "- and after some years of fucking myself up with the spiritual agenda and the drugs - I realized that the 'original' issues what I am facing since childhood - these fears, desires - are still within me - and the tools what I was using were incomplete.

Meanwhile I was regularly taking LSD and trying Tibetan mantras and meditations for instance - and I really wanted to believe that this works - so I assumed/asserted that this is the real deal - the Tibetan tantra. So I investigated it and built my life upon these principles. However something was always missing, somehow I was still seeking something, somewhere I always wanted to reach out - because what I experienced was - always flawed, was always hollow. I did not see that myself here I was missing. So then when I had the opportunity, I went to Asia - wherein I hoped and desired to find what Buddha found - I wanted an enormous validation from outside that what I do is that what I have to do.

In this trip, I fucked myself up with a relationship-related mess the second time - and I've closed myself down regarding to women for years. I was unable to handle my situations socially. In India I got sick, I had amoeba and diarrhea what made me really weak - while I was still hoping and desiring great things what I read in books and saw in movies. But nothing happened, even by walking through the 'sacred Buddhist places'(or even at the commonly accepted 'sacred' places such as Great Pyramids, Ang-Kor Wat) I've realized that this is just business - and the ones are keeping these things up and promoting aren't that valid as the 'holy books' refer to. I was disappointed - I saw the whole spiritual agenda as fake. I was very sick, I had no money, I remained alone - in that situation in India - the mantras do not help, the path of enlightenment seemed irrelevant - and in a way I was able to experience reality directly. I've seen extreme poverty and ignorance and commonly accepted child- and animal-abuse what from I was unable to escape because I have no any money. I realized that I was fucking around for years with my given abilities simply for my entertainment and justifications to not do something within the world.

After coming back from the east - I felt everything what I built up was invalid, I was still busy with desperately looking for an answer on the Internet. I've tried many things with great ease already - shamanism, zen, buddhism, music, painting, make myself busy with sacred geometry, conspiracies, reptilian agenda, egyptology, rainbow hippies, sex, porn, trance etc - but as myself was the problem - everything what I've approached was full of shit. Somehow this separation and inner judgment always came back more and more intensely, regardless of my desperate want of stopping them.

My mind as myself one and equal was the boogeyman what I continuously escaped from, fought, chased without any result.

I developed an ability to sit down and 'clear the mirror of the lake of my mind' for a while - but as I stood up from these practices - I automatically was the one who I always was. Somehow all the methods were unsatisfying. I had many friends who were also busy with the enlightenment stuff - some still doing it since long years - and I can notice even now in 2011 that they did not really change within - but they were more 'smooth' in the system but still of the system.

So in that state I've found Desteni around my 28th birthday in 2007. It was some Cross-over interviews through the Portal - maybe Jim Morrison or Merv Griffin or even a Jack interview - but it was very-very-very fascinating.

Oneness And Equality. This two TOGETHER at the first time I've heard and immediately got me. I kept myself all of the watching the interviews and Desteni videos - then I went to the where I found the FAQ, the Structural Resonances documents, the other articles, found about Bernard, Sunette, Esteni, Andrea and about 2007 October I've joined the Desteni Open Forum. The assistance what I got was always simple and direct - I asked about the Tibetan stuff and Jack had the answer that Talamon, you keep read the material and you will find out everything by yourself.
I've found the explanation of Process, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, Writing - and I had some direct shit within me what I've defined as 'I was unable to forgive to myself' - so I started on those, and I was able to stand up for the event of 'once I did hit my dog with a stick because I was fucked up' and the other one what bugged me was once 'I did hurt my girlfriend hard because I was angry'. I wrote about these, I wrote self-forgiveness, paper after paper I've filled with writing and I had the direct Self-reflection of I am changing! After that what made my all doubts gone was the Tree of Life of Talamon video interview. After that I've realized my physical location and responsibility and I've pledged myself to the Process of Manifesting Heaven on Earth until it's done. I am walking in the Matrix to script up and accumulate influence and power within and as the system to take direct responsibility what we have accepted and allowed to manifest and STOP.

I realized that my mind I've accumulated with the continuous participation through thought, feelings and emotions - what I must stop participate within and let go of any Self-definition and Express the Living Word as the Physical.

I realized all who and what I perceived myself to be, the occupations, the likes and dislikes, fears, desires, possessions, obsessions - I must understand, forgive, stop, let go and release to birth myself at the first time.

At Desteni, the people are always ready to assist and support - and if one's approach is infected with Self-definition of perceived separation - then the Desteni guys are simply pointing out the self-dishonesty within one's approach. Then the person's decision where to stand - but what I've found very cool is that if one is not changing, but still speaking shit - then for everyone's sake - banning is applied to show what we do not accept within our reality.

Why I stand with and for Equal-Money and World-Equality?

I came from a poor family where people had to do things what were abuse against life, against their body - in order to get the money to sustain shelter, food for the children for instance. I remember endless argues by the grownups around me - about not enough money, about wasting money, about illegal things to make money, even by harming others to get money - and I was in the middle of this resonant war for surviving - while at school I've noticed that others have clothes, toys, tools what my family never could afford. I've noticed that by my learning abilities - teachers exceptionally handle me like jewelery among others - but for instance my bench-mate was in a way rejected in the school, just because he was unable to learn specific parts of history or math. I always felt extreme limitation within my expressions because I could not afford to have a great computer or a camera while others had these and they even could not use them. It was very hard to understand why money is determining what can I do and not my abilities. I hated money, I hated my family and I hated the government, the system, humanity, even sometimes the whole existence.

By walking on Earth - I noticed that many people are living within poverty and ignorance. For long-long years it was very disturbing to me to face poverty and ignorance of it - but with the spiritual agenda(karma) I armored myself with the idea of elitism that some have more than others(aka Orwell's Animal Farm). By investigating the system - for instance walking in Cambodia, India, Egypt etc - I realized that these countries are exploited for some small group's interest - by Currency, by Military, by Media.
I've seen space-station-like high-technology skyscrapers built near slums wherein children are walking beggar skeletons - and I was unable to find any excuse within myself why should I accept this within my reality.

I've seen children doing things for coins what I never could accept as 'normal' - I've faced with child-labor, child-prostitution, extreme animal-abuse and I was disgusted from Humanity and I desperately wanted to end this but at some point I always realized - without money - I am unable to do anything within the already manifested Human Money System.

While I was unable to deal with my self-dishonest issues - as I mentioned - I was always frustrated to face poverty and abuse - because I felt myself as powerless, separated from the issue by the money point - yet I was aware of that the abused beings are in fact me - and by the continuous acceptance I was extremely irritated - what I only could suppress and divert my attention from within myself with occupation of entertainment, desires, drugs etc - but as I stopped with the act of diversion - I always faced again with the fact that Earth is not really a pleasant place, even can be called as 'hell' for at least 1/3 of the population. I started to question my continuous occupation within entertainment and desires what always cost me certain amounts of money - is this toy really important for me while others has no money to have medicine for surviving infection?

I also wanted to learn and express music and filming - and I've found that the instruments costs a lot - and I wanted to express my sound and visual perception through the instruments - for long years I used the lack of money as excuse - and blaming the system - but by that I felt myself more and more powerless. I resonantly hated everyone who I perceived as 'rich' - and at the other part of this polarity - I wanted to become rich as well.

My only chance was to place and position myself within the system wherein I can get a decent salary with what I can start to assist myself to educate and sort myself out from the powerlessness at least to be able to comprehend what the fuck is going on here and why.

With Desteni sharing - Oneness and Equality as the basic principle within and as everything - I started to understand the system as myself. I understood that by stepping out from the money system - I do not have influence within it - yet it is still determining me because I still have to eat, I still have to buy.

I've found that I have a strong tendency to want to assist and support children in this Earth - regardless of anything - because in a way I am a child, I can have a some sort of 'compassion' with the poor fuckers who have nothing but endless suffering. It is not fair.

I understand the mathematical equation of 1+1=2 - with what individuals can accumulate impact within the system - and as a group - we are able to position ourselves into constant application wherein we can Stand as Principle of 'What is Best for All'.

I realized how the current money system is abusing in the interest of greed and fear - and I realized that I must be the change within constancy.

When I heard the idea of giving equal amount of money to each newborn - I realized - this could end all family-abuse, all child-exploitation, all wars, all disadvantage by lack of education, by lack of health-care.

I've studied the B.I.G project in Namibia and I am learning how money and banks work, I realized - I can not judge Equal Money System until I never tried at least to work on manifesting it - so there is no excuse anymore - I support Equal Money System.

I stand for a World Equality wherein all can have a dignified life without condition where all beings can work on that noone should suffer because of programmed inequality within the monetary system. I take full responsibility for the existence as myself and starting with and as this Human Physical Body what is being referred as József Berta within the Current Human System.

With promoting and manifesting the Equal Money System - we can dissolve the strong hypnotic vibration of surviving and by sharing common sense - we can reach people who can also realize the current system's fuckedupness and start focusing on sorting out our perception and start living by sharing Life-opportunities for everyone unconditionally. That would mean something as Love.

What I understand to be “Heaven on Earth” is.

Wherein Life is value, not greed, not profit. Wherein we can end wars, poverty, wherein we can support every being to face and sort out Self-dishonesties. Wherein water, food, health-care is for everybody by default.

Heaven on Earth can be started to manifest when each and every single human being is standing within the realization of the Unification of Man as I am, Here within and as the Physical as All as One as Equal within Oneness and Equality.

I could bring up many wild imaginations of heaven for instance not required to eat if one does not want to or instant teleport or flying or materializing things by self-will and continuous and constant Self-Expression for instance sounding and voicing and playing with and as Creation with and as All - but these occupations are dwarfed from the fact that first things first. Until we are unable to support each newborn equally - we must face and deal with the money issue.

We must form a Group of Equals wherein one first must walk through the Eye of the Needle to let go and sort out any influence of Mind Consciousness System. And this group is a place where Self-support is granted - and by re-defining Trust, re-defining Responsibility, re-defining Self within the interest of What is Best for All.

And walking within and as this Group - we expand and share and making sure that we are responsible for the Group as Equal Individuals and we only support Self-honesty and simply rejecting ideas coming from the Mind and only support Life - and making sure that we do not share Equal opportunities with those who are in fact harm for the Group of Equals.

That's why the Eye of the Needle is of Constancy, Consistency within the Act of Self-Honesty - to see who stands within the physical unwaving, unchanging as a stable, constant expression of 'I stand for World Equality'.
Trust must be earned within the interest of what is Best for All.
10 Videos that you like the most / had the most impact on you

Gurdjieff: Why man must Unify
SRA Structural Resonance Alignment Research Desteni Talamon
Self Perfection while in a Limited Body and limited reality is Possible
Moments, Self Management and Osho
HOM - 103 Locating Your POWER ... h_response
HOM 104 Locating Your SILENCE ... DBEEEA0DF6
Waking Up and Becoming Aware of the Mind in Process Support ... ture=email
Writing yourself to freedom
SELF FORGIVENESS as LIFE ... re=related
1 The Matrix of Self-Perfection

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Why I use birth name

I use my birth name on internet.

Internet is full of fake names and imaginary titles - we are outnumbered with sources of information, what are coming from simply almost untraceable sources for the public and by that - basically anyone can say, state or attack anything without taking Self-Responsibility.
When I was in highschool - I was playing RolePlayGame - and I was playing the elf wizard of Talamon - in that time I was very introverted, suppressive in my physical approach - however with this person of Talamon within the RPG game(basically acting as this self-made character) - I could express that what I perceived as I could not do so directly physically as myself.
This personality I've become in a way - and I had issues with my birth name, with my surname and with my family name as well - my father was named also as Jozsef Berta, his father was also Jozsef Berta and who knows what chain of reproduction ended up with me but as I perceived this family, as I perceived my father - I did not want to be like that, I did not want to become as him because he was completely lost within ideas of consciousness and he ended up drinking alcohol heavily and then he slowly but surely destroyed himself and ended up in psychiatry and then he died alone in the forest sunk in a pit with full of water nearby the road - alone and lost.
I've gowned up in his shadow and my mother was fully fearful of myself becoming like him - so resonantly I've also participated within this fear - and I wanted to separate myself from my father and my family as much as possible in order to not become like him or like the members who I shared places with because of 'family'.
I could not deal with this directly, instead of I've created a person myself - who I wanted to be, who and what I've perceived myself to want to be - this is how and why I've created 'Talamon', who is
not like all of the Jozsef Bertas, who I knew - it 'felt like' a fresh start - and when I've played the role play game - when I was speaking out this Talamon character - the borders washed away - as the people around me started to call and refer me as Talamon, and when I went to university - also on internet I participated with the name of Talamon. I've created a reality wherein I was known as Talamon - without the direct influence of my Birth Name, of my family, of my direct physical reality.

I felt like I could not exist as Jozsef Berta as I had fears of I might become like my father - and I was absolutely sure that this is not the way to walk this Earthly Life, so I've created this Personality of Talamon in my mind - what I wanted to be - and by years walking, by travelling as, by experimenting with psychedelic drugs and communicating with people as Talamon - I was able to develop new expressions - however the foundation, as Jozsef Berta was never directly faced, dealt with - so the mixture of it was quite ambigous, unsure, twisted and unstable wherein all directly manifested: Physically.

As Talamon - I was smmoth, expressive, artistic and strong - within my mind at least - and as the physical being, as Jozsef Berta - I was suppressive, nervous, self-doubted and self-judgmental. However these started to mix up in a way wherein I was not the directive principle as myself as presence - but constantly battling and waving around personality manifestations within myself according to impulses from outside - I had issues with practicality and effectiveness - what I've judged extensively - and finally I felt myself as a constant, huge shitmess - when time to time I've proven myself to be lost from situations to situations until I've directly faced the very close opportunity to die some times and I've realized that this cannot work really. In that time I was not aware of the How or the Why - I simply physically faced myself in a way what was obviously shouting: if I continue like this - I accumulate the probability of death. Because of that degree of abdicating self-responsibility as considering what I participate within the Physical.

After 'subconsciously' - because I did not want to admit directly - almost physically experiencing my 'complete lost'-ness - I was desperately seeking new opportunities to come out from this madness.

When I found Desteni Group - I was full of ideas, knowledge, judgments and opinions - influenced by different agendas and I was unsure how to release my shit - what I just started to realize by embracing the Desteni material.
By the support of the people at Desteni Forum I was able to realize how and why I am constantly fighting within and as myself and slowly but surely exhausting myself as Physical Being - meanwhile all of my ideas and knowledge - was in fact justifications for why I do not Stand up for Myself as Life and Change. I simply realized Oneness and Equality as the basic Principle within all - and how this can assist me to realize what I am accepting and allowing within my reality - where my responsibility is.

By starting Self Forgiveness - I started to explore the 'why' - why I am participating within manifestations what are in fact not lasting, what are of delusions. There were some outstanding issues what I almost literally 'thought' "I was unable to forgive to myself" - so I started on these points - and the more I wrote, the more I expressed my decision to change, my standing up to my past - the more I understood the details of why and how I accepted myself in a way from where I was unable to shunt from. By writing the Self Forgiveness sentences specifically, directly to my self-accepted excuses and justifications - I started to accumulate Self-Will, Self-Empowerment, Self-Direction - to be able simply breath through inner reactions what I've programmed into myself - this is the real deal - because the effectiveness is withint he specificity.

Next point was to face how an other being can experience me physically within me as me, when the Tree of Life support was temporally introduced within the Desteni I Process, if you did not watch this interview - you should do so - at first it was quite intense to face in a way - and other way it was a huge relief as I always wanted somebody to directly say how I am because I've noticed that from my point of view, I was unable to see myself as the camera by itself also can not record itself, as the sword can not cut itself etcetc lol.
Here is the Video link of SRA Structural Resonance Alignment Research Desteni Talamon
(Note that this kind of support is not available currently as the Structural Resonance Alignment within DesteniIProcess is now works as a Life Coaching course - within walking that - One can Face Self Directly and embrace the tools with one can stop self-dishonesties).

Watching that interview I could not argue with that - it was all exposed - somewhere, somehow I always 'felt like' this, but I could not see myself in this way I was not aware of how far I went within self-suppression and self-anger - and by realizing how I am - I had to realize that there is no justification or excuse with what I could live anymore to accept myself as what I've accepted and allowed myself to become Physically(because Physical is what we can deal with, where we can Unify ourselves within Equality and Oneness Ethernally).
No spiritual agenda, no religious view, no shamanistic bullshit I could participate within anymore within Self-Honesty - and at one point I realized the following:
"Each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of Earth."

Participating within Process - I started to face what I was escaping from within the Physical - for instance the DNA and verbal programming coming from my family - and I've realized - I can stand up for this and I can stop participate within the preprogrammed influences of the mind - I can stand up for my father - I can actually be who I always was within my life - József Berta. Because the knowledge and information what I've defined Berta József as my family - I can embrace and I can CHANGE within and as my direct reality. So I've started to face the issues of my birth name and not separate myself within perceptions through the mind - but be József Berta, be Talamon, be everything I've created.

Within the Desteni Group - we've decided to Take Full Responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to manifest Physically - and the Self Responsibility must be Located, Tracked, Shared unconditionally in a way where we stop deceiving ourselves and others and start to explore how to Live within Equality and Oneness Physically - by embracing our past, present, future breath by breath.

As Jozsef Berta, as myself, as who I was, as who I am and who I will be - at this moment is within and as this Human Physical Body - what is within the current Human System - with an ID, with a Birth Name - and this Physical Location is always Direct, Simple, Obvious, Physical and Real.
This 'Person', this Man, this Human, this Body - this Mind Consciousness System(systems of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, suppressions, desires, fears) - at this moment what is my Self-Responsibility, and can be referred as Jozsef Berta.
From the System's perspective - government, bank, school, tax, "health-don't Care" system, workplace, army, law etc - I am undoubtedly József Berta.

What I've manifested by this Self-Created Personality as Talamon what I've participated and made myself known by many people - is also what I've accepted and allowed myself to manifest and in a way also 'Physically' become - is also my Self-Responsibility.
My Self-Responsibility to see what is practical, what is walkable, what is supporting Life within myself and stop what is abusive.

I stand up for All Life, I stand up for All as One as Equal as Life, also to stand up for those who can not to - for a Global Change, for exploring ways to manifest Equality Physically.
And to make it valid - I share myself as my Birth name - as I am embracing from where I am 'coming' - as I was born into a system wherein I am identified by my birth name - I stand up within the System as the System - by standing up and sharing myself as the following:
I was born as József Berta within this system and I am standing up - as this Physical Body - everyone can see, this is who I was, this is who I am, this is the Principle what I am walking by and there is no hidden agenda, there is no fake name what behind I can do whatever I am being pleased to without being exposed - that's Self-Responsibility.
Simply being able to look into anyone's eyes and no shame at all - the only way to develop infinite Self-Will is to accumulate and integrate myself into and as the Physical reality as a stable, constant, untouched, expression what stands for all Equally wherein we can exist in harmony, wherein noone have to exist in poverty and live in terror of war - and I want to give equal opportunities for all life. This like I would be if I would be the Creator. And this is how will going to be. As I am Creation, I am Creator, I am Created - one and equal, Here, within and as the Physical.
There is no 'bigger picture than this'.

I am interested in Real People, who also can Stand Up and want Change, I am interested in practicality of What is Best for All.

So I am directly identifying myself as Talamon József Berta - and in fact there are many József Berta-s in this Matrix, there are many Talamon-s you can find, but at this moment this two together can pinpoint my location wherein you can find, trace, locate and directly access me as Physical.

Physical - because Here we can Stand Together within Unification - as all currently existing miriads of Dimensions of Consciousness Systems - and in fact the Physical is the only one what is really relevant - the only one what if we remove from the equation we cease to exist.

And within the currently manifested Human System - we must sort out the dishonesties and delusions of other dimensions from the mind(thoughts, feelings, emotions etc) - by Aligning ourselves with and As the Physical without Perceived Separation to Unconditionally grant Dignified Life for all within Physical Equality at least in the 'level of' Basic Living as Food, Shelter, Education and Health Care.
Until that is not done - until each human borns with practically equal opportunities (Equal Money for all) - I am not interested within any self-interested agendas and those must be released unconditionally within the principle of What is Best For All.

That is what This Physically Located name, as Talamon József Berta is referring to at the moment.

I am even considering to take up the Talamon surname as well 'officially' within the system to simply embrace everything what I've participated within and as Creation to stop any personality-manifestations within myself.

Therefore I dare you to share yourself being accessible with your Birth Name - and take full responsibility for what you are participating, broadcasting, sharing, resonating - within the principle of What is Best for All. Because if you do not so - then you can be questioned that you are not dealing with Real issues, you are not standing up unconditionally for All and therefore you might be harm for the Walking Equals.
I do not 'care', even if many people refer somebody as 'good person' or 'peaceful' or 'talented' or 'nice' - these are dwarfed within the equation of What is Best for All.
I understand that from the starting point where from all humans 'start' so to speak - this might sound as losing self - but if we investigate our daily life, participation - the hours spent by people who can have money to buy 'heavenly moments' - can be questioned by the point of view of those who can not even afford to eat properly. Your agenda could be anything, a great golf playing experience, or enormous artist activity or watching the greatest movie or having the most intense sex - or even spending millions for the sake of your 'miracoluous family love' - please love thyneighbour as thyself unconditionally because otherwise you are just an another organic robot who is full of justifications and excuses of self-interest - regardless of your mental and emotional intent of world peace and great om spiritual enlightened blahblah - in fact in the REAL physical level - you act as an active obsticle against manifesting Equality.

What I did not include within this Equation before is that this is a process as who I am physically has been manifested through constant and continuous participation within consciousness system - but by participating within DesteniIProcess, Applying Self-Forgiveness, Exploring practical ways to accumulate Actions within the Physical - one can Align Self Physically slowly but surely with and as All as one As Equal as Life - breath by breath, moment by moment, day by day, month by month, year by year until it's done.
I have the tendency to jump into conclusions within my mind by 'thinking fast' - and redefining myself only within my mental dimensions - while in fact, physically I am not changing - therefore it is imperative to walk this process step by step PHYSICALLY, ensuring that I am not deceiving myself with an other self-definition system. Therefore we urge everybody(every physical body) who can afford the luxury of Internet - to share themselves who they really are within starting point and within the current Physical Expression - because this is reality, we must breath and walk out from the mind-delusions - but alone it is barely impossible - that's why we form a Group wherein we do not accept anything less than who we really are as Life. And by walking as a group - we see what it takes to bring about a change to manifest dignified life for all.

And within the current manifestations on Earth - within this Human System - within the Current Money System - we must form a Group wherein we can assist and support ourselves and each other within exploring practial equality - for the group's sake - we must embrace principles in which we do not compromise the Equality Equation within and As the Group by accepting Abdication of Self Responsibility for instance as existing and sharing by fake names - because to speak and write anyone can do - but to LIVE the same Equally - as becoming the Physical Living Words - we must ensure that the ones are walking are Real Persons.

It's like when TrueLove555 channel makes a comment of 'it is not true, love is the solution' - (just an example) - is like physically you do not take responsibility, but hiding behind an idea what physically was never real - and you are in masks where others can not see who you are - and therefore if you participate within abuse - you can not be physically located, you can hide and say whatever you want so - we, as a Group - do not accept this, and if you can not give up your imaginary personalities - you can not be part of the Group wherein Equals are walking - because you could be a compromise for all in the group.
Therefore I dare you to share yourself with your Real Name.

I even would enjoy if anyone's thoughts could be publically accessible - much of the abuse would be more obvious and directly 'manageable' within the Principle of What is Best for All. But it might manifest HELL on earth big time as the Mind Demons - what are human systems taking over the body - physically abuse Self.

That's why we BLOG, we VLOG - what you see is maybe imperfection, but by sharing my Self-forgiveness for instance regarding to fears, desires - I am stating that I am actually forgiving myself to stop myself accepting myself, I am becoming aware how and why I started to participate within desires, fears - I am actually making a public statement for everyone and for everything equally - that I take Full Self Responsibility for what I've accepted and allowed to be, but from now on I am finding practical ways to STOP to do so as I am the Directive Principle of My life and for my Reality, for Existence.
Because for instance this shared fear, desire is not really who I am as Life - but at this moment I've manifested it, so as I've created it - in the same way I can STOP - I can stop my participation within FEAR.
Because if I do share my Self-dishonesty - and I do not share - at least I share with the world that these are my issues, please be aware that you should not accept me remain within this self-dishonesty - if I would not change - if my Self-Forgiveness would not be real - then I might need Self-Assistance and daring everyone to not accept me within my self-dishonesties.

That's why if somebody is Walking the Process as Birth Name, as sharing Self-dishonesties, Self-forgiveness, Self-Realizations, Self-Corrective examples - constantly and consistently - unconditionally - and the Physical change is obvious within the Way of Living, within the Expressions - then this is where Birthing Life from the Physical Starts.

When One walks like this - re- and re-aligning Self within Process with and as The Physical - sharing all the shit what comes up - and releasing self-definitions by sharing, by forgiving self - One is directly Facing Self, walking the Practical Self-Realization, Unification, Self-Perfection.

This is who I am, this is what I've redefined as Value, This is What I support, this is what I stand for and what is really relevant is how we accept ourselves as Humanity, as Animals, as Nature, as Plants, as Earth; existing and what really matters is simply What is Best For All.

That's why we focus on Equal Money - because each is involved with the money issue, by what everyone is directly responsible who is participating within the Current Money System - the Blood of the Human System currently - 'current' - 'currency - rent' - and by re-defining Value as Life - not as greed, not as surviving - we can Stand up for Poverty, Famine, War, Genocide, Abuse etc - as most of them is because of the people has no money and without money humans are degraded to the level of resources or machines what will end up in dumpyards without any compassion. Because currently even the idea of compassion is related to money. Love is of money, the perception of 'life' is related to money.

And that's why we must Stand up in All Levels of Humanity to take Self-Responsibility without any Separation, without any exception - the God of Man is the Physical is currently being driven by Money. That's why We must introduce a temporally solution which by Humans can release this Hypnotic Trance/Vibration to be slaves of Money.
That's why we push the point of Equal Money - to bring about a Dignified Life for All.

Thank you very much:
Talamon József Berta.