Tuesday, May 12, 2015

[JTL Day 225] Ranting on why I needed CONTROL

I continue with the CONTROL decomposition.

Here is a little rant on my mind personality on control from my childhood:

There are things what I want to control, and there are what I don't care.

Everything within my interest I wanted to control because of my belief that supports who I am.

What comes up first is the want to control the flow of my thoughts. I believed that it is like a tap, which I can simply close when I don't want to hear.

I had so many thoughts since I was kid, it was like these (b)rainstorms and each drop was a thought and just came and came while I felt like I was standing naked in this cold mind-storm and each thought hit me and I wanted to be able to endure those, to have an armor which protects me from the endless thoughts. It felt like madness, each charging, sending me, making me more and more powerless...

Someone always whispering, talking, shouting in my head, all of the fear and suppression, self-holding back turned me into this thinker, which I did not realize then, I just wanted something to shut the thoughts off.

I could give anything to be able to stop the thoughts and there was nobody around me to explain that it was me who created and accepted to grow the thought-streams into rivers and storms by the specific reacting, by the suppression, by the resistance, fear, and keep me thinking instead of acting. Even when I acted, it was based on the accumulation of thought-patterns.

I 'thought' - haha - that the thoughts are the knives - one can use it for doing good and bad as well - and when I felt like 'I am thinking' - it gave the impression that I am walking around something with ideas, insights, possibilities in my mind quickly and silently, but when I wanted to rest and have a peace, the thoughts just came and stormed me about what I should have been done or should not, or how miserable, ugly my life is and how powerless I am and how I should find a way out from this uncomfortable situation I ended up being within. Also many times thoughts constantly showed me all the worst scenarios what could happen and I was overwhelmed and worried most of the time and I defined that 'I rather see the worst and be prepared than not seeing at all'.

I could not control my behavior among others, I could not control my discipline with myself and I could not control my thoughts, emotions, so I felt like I am not the rider, I am something what is being used to ride on...

All I could come up was the attention, it's diversion and how I was able to focus to something which resulted with energetic reactions, excitement, arousal, danger.

What excited me was reading, science, computers, exploring nature, figuring out things and logic.

What made me aroused was anything sex-related, so I listened my mother doing sex, looked at magazines, watched sex tapes and thought/fantasized about women.

Also by being in dangerous situations I was pumped with adrenalin, which also worked to stop the thinking, like doing adventurous stunts, some petty stealing. Furthermore within direct exposure to danger I always move immediately, there is no place/time/space for thinking through and that also made me feel more alive.

So these things I built in into my interest/base tactics to do regularly so then I can have a rest from the thinking/suppression, but still it was the basic thing to do and no matter what I did, especially at nights I always returned to be a 'heavy thinker' which I did not enjoy yet I could not stop. The more I resisted, the more thoughts I actually experienced. Hey, I was not 'mad', just in terms of trying to grasp real stability, quietness, peace within - I never could and that made me uncertain, wavering, doubtful.

After a while at university, with alcohol I could poke my mind around but in 1-2 years I realized that it did not help, only I was able to automatize to act out my suppression, which was sometimes kind of scary because I did not fully remember what I did and some times I became absolutely uninhibited and reckless.

I remember however the moment when I wanted to have a state of mind when I do not remember what I did, so then I decided to drink more to get to that point, because I felt myself tired to always know, remember, define, I just wanted to let it go, let the control go.

But after all it was not cool for my body, so after university I transitioned to weed, which was kind of dual - it calmed me down, yet my thoughts became more strong yet I had less problem with them when I smoked enough.

It made my thoughts/emotions kind of melt together and then sink down into the back of my mind - what I did not realize then that it crystallized into my body and waited to be exerted still, so it was a kind of suppression catalyzation. But for that to realize I had to become self-honest enough and it took some years.

Also then another mind-blowing drugs I used, acid, mushroom, and it was different than alcohol:

With alcohol, my thoughts and emotions became more blunt, strong that in that moment I became one with them without the ability to see that these are coming up from my sub/un-conscious, so I identified myself with my thoughts, feelings, emotions: the mind totally - not 'I think, I feel', but I am thought, I am emotion. - or at least I experienced so.

With dope, my thoughts became less strong, but still more obvious, and if I wanted, I could see and realize that in this moment I am quiet within, in the next moment I am participating within thoughts, but until I really-really decided to use this state of mind to observe, backtrack, understand my mind-thinking process, it was still automatic.

And the thought-reaction automation is so ingrained in the human that once a trigger happens, 'I am thinking' - and there is a thought-ride happens without 'I realize' that I am not quiet within anymore, because one after another I follow the rabbit - and I have to learn to be able to slow down to each of this already automated situation/circumstance/trigger point to be able to have a chance to have a space/time/knowing to decide not to follow the thought again.

But for that I needed something more.

I did zen meditation, mokuso - to imagine and calm the surface of the lake, to have discipline and it was like rolling upwards a huge stone toward the top of a mountain and many times it rolled back and pushed me over, which means I started to think again, and it was frustrating, but eventually I was able to 'break through' and reach different mind states, wherein there was no thinking but that state was gone after a while again. It looked like that with all the meditation I was able to accumulate energy with what I could glue myself to a state wherein I was not thinking but after the energy and focus was gone, I 'transformed' back to the same reactive mind.

So I introduced another occupation, meditation with concept: tibetan, mantras, visualization - wanted to have shortcut, 'inspired' by psychedelic drug trips.

It always was 'cool' - like in game Warcraft, the hero had these symbols upon their head while making magic, so I mastered to imagine these with the om mani padme hung and other mantras.

WHILE I was doing the mantra, the concept, my mind was kind of empty, but after some years I realized, it's the same distraction as I get stoned and play music or do juggling - I am focusing to something what requires attention and sort of presence within, but once I stop it, I 'return' to the same old personality, meaning thinking, judgement.
Also with the definitions, my relationship, reactions to the very point of mantra, my starting point to it, my action, my memories, everything I kept re-enlighting, so that was also a source for energetic experiences, which they 'taught' not to take seriously either, as 'not react to excitement', but still, I was dependent on 'energetic experiences'.

So I wanted to have more radical actions, meaning more psychedelics, more determined mindset within more intense settings, such as goa trance parties. The sensory overload did the attention grabbing pretty much and also the intensity, flow and melodic and sound effects of the music within the dancing colorful crowd made my attention fully.

Also when the music is that loud, intense and tribal, it is like it's pushing away my thoughts, and with acid, mdma, mushroom, it's catalyzed to the extent of total inability of thinking while being able to sense and perceive, interact and experience and more importantly: remember.

What I did not realize that I did not stop my mind, I simply liquified it totally and it became one and I was totally equal with it and by that - it stopped being a separated experience, I stopped being disturbed by it, because it was total integration with my mind consciousness system, and that oneness experience I perceived as stepping out from my mind personality, my limitation, but in fact I did not, just I was able to move without resistance in the mind, I was unable to separate anything from my mind, so I did not experience duality, but it was still not absolute freedom, especially when first realizing that the drug effect was fading and my first thoughts came 'again' - that was very obvious and I was kind of amazed with this 'dog chasing it's tail' with these experiences for while, but in fact I still wanted to control my mind.

I wanted to have the control of turning it off now, because I realized I can.

Because I did not need to think, define, to put it into polarity, to use memory to interact with myself, others, the environment - there was this more direct experience which I became really hungry for.

That drove me into more meditation, more psychedelic experiences but no matter what I did/tried - I always ended up losing the control, wanting to have it and then trying some method to gain it, which I hoped soon will be 'absolute'.

Because one thing I realized - if it's not absolutely specific, reproduce-able, without anything in and as the moment, then I am nowhere from where I want to be, to be able to be and do what I want without any inner limitation, resistance. And when I faced the fact that I am still not 'there' - I was frustrated, and then I used that frustration to charge my desire, intent, motivation to try to control, stop my mind more and more.

Obviously this made me tired, exhausted and kind of pitifully desperate sometimes, but I was so stubborn, I did not realize it, I just knew that I am doing something fundamentally wrong, but I did not know what or how.

I had to burn myself quite much and lose everything some times and meanwhile I never stopped searching for more info/knowledge/method, I found the desteni material, the group and the process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and direct, practical support for embracing, understanding, stopping the mind and start really living with the principle of equality and oneness.

I immediately realized that this is a key for me so I studied for months and then I started to write my story, started to write, say and apply self-forgiveness and after not much I already started to learn and know myself much directly than ever before.

It took some years to realize my tempo, temperament, attitude and the process is still in the go, but I've changed so much already - I have the ability to calm down, what I always wanted to stop the thoughts, the emotions to overwhelm me is becoming my natural self-expression and there are still points wherein I can react but I already walked through so much self-deception so I can have a physical reference point when I am quiet without suppressing, when I am lying to myself, when I fear, when I suppress so then I can apply self-forgiveness.

So this story was about how and why I started to want control. This point is important because driven me to be able to fuel an other self-dishonesty, the obsession with perfection - in my mind. I do realize that even the greatest 'quality' can become a problem, especially if I become of it, obsessed with it, lost within it, such as I ended up with this whole controlling myself, my mind thing. So that created a polarity as well - wanting to control perfectly meanwhile also wanting to completely let go. Because I never had balance or equality - there was always too much or too less, especially, because I was not aware of this, I did not dare, I rather defined, automatized, trusted definitions/systems instead of me being present, because I always believed that this can be a real escape - if I do everything according to careful planning, I could be free and just expect the best while leaning back. And then I observed myself to 'fail' so then I started to want/develop/manifest more control again.

So this was a split within me, that I wanted to have more control and at the same time I wanted to get loose all of the control but then I had doubt about myself and some of those doubts were 'useful' but it was not clear which was of fear and was of practical way towards self-perfection.

That is an aspect within me which I am also decomposing and releasing: the strive for perfection and there is a point until it is practical, and there is when it's an obsession which diverts me from priorities - but that word will be the next and before that: let's purify and redefine the word CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have absolute control over my mind and body and not realizing that what is actually this control means and how to do it practically and within that becoming an idea, a feeling, a desire, which is not practical anymore, therefore it is not supporting me, but still, when reacting to it with thoughts/feelings/emotions, it would give me energy and not realizing that is self-dishonest, because I am busy with reacting to something I created in order to be able to feel good without actually manifesting what I want, because I accepted myself as not being able to/really wanting to make it happen in real, physical world and not questioning/investigating myself why, what is the resistance, judgement for that specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to control myself, my thoughts, my life, my actions and wanting to hold back myself and wanting to resist/fight my reactions and not realizing that the more I struggle, the more I sink within my mind, the more I accept energy to influence/direct me and by that having less and less control and then because of that wanting to have control more and more and not realizing that what I resist persists and the solution would be to stop and understand, re-align and stop the original fear which lead me to want to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to control my mind, my thoughts with another thoughts, attention diversion, energetic experiences, such as sexual arousal, danger and adrenaline.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I defined the conditions I accepted which through I decided what I want to control and what I do not care – as me, as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that control means separation, controller and the thing being controlled, the act of controlling and never realizing the syllables of 'con-trolling', meaning having an inception, a starting point, a point of origin from which having a conviction, a CON, which by I give permission to my mind to be trolled, fooled, con-sumed without realizing the self-deception driven by fear, causing me to believe that self-separation is acceptable and necessary by polarity and judgements, even when in fact I am not fully aware of how those building blocks of definitions I embraced, defined as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am smart when I am thinking, even when at times thoughts can disturb me and I can't stop them and not questioning what is actually happening within me and automatically allowing the identification that what I think is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the more I suppress actions and physical self-expression/I accept thinking/I react to thoughts, the more thoughts I will accept until the point of total possession of inner conversation/backchat of those accumulated past self-acceptances.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression, when I do not say/act out what I want based on fear creates inner energetic reactions what will fuel my mind to generate more thoughts and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my thoughts as 'knives', as 'tools' which can be used for good and bad and not realizing that when I am convinced that 'I deliberately think as now using it as 'good', then I am deceiving myself, manifested by brainwashing of me of previously reasoned as having some kind of 'proof' that this is useful, and not being self-honest, open and aware of that all what happens is that I trust my memory, my mind to use patterns what I judged previously as 'good', and not realizing that I am using virtualized models of my past to superimpose what is here and who I am in this moment, and also not realizing that the moment I use thinking, I am always at least one step beyond of what is here in and as the moment and that separation is also the reason I want to control, because I am not equal and one with what is here, because of that latency of wanting to use my mind, memory, thoughts to define and judge, because in fact I do not fully trust myself in the flesh directly.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why I do not trust myself absolutely in and as the flesh, as physical, as action, as sounding words, because at certain situations I proven to myself that without schemas, patterns, definitions, judgements of my mind I am afraid, feeling uncertain, lost, therefore to have the feel of knowing, control, I listen to thoughts, definitions, judgements.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I did prove to myself that I am more smart and stable, effective and better surviving with thinking, listening to thoughts, believing thoughts are being supportive, I relied to already self-accepted patterns already believed by previous thinking, more previous experiences of fear, uncertainty, doubt, which I also defined as not good, therefore avoidable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fighting and resisting means I believe that I am not the directive principle, the responsible, creator, but the inferior, because if I would be the director of my life, I would not fight, resist, I would simply see, decide and act, therefore any resistance, fear means I still accept self-definitions to tell me why and how I am inferior, which are self-deception, because it is no problem to acknowledge that I fear of something, but to accept it and deny it will obviously create problems.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wanting to acknowledge that I was wrong, I was in fear, I was resisting, fighting in a futile war against myself, my ideas, my reactions, my experiences, my insights, because believing that I can win against my mind, thoughts by another thoughts, with my mind with energy, polarity and not realizing that all the while I am becoming the energy, wasting time and resources and re-creating the starting point: separation, fear, self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to stop the fight, resistance, the need for control, which originates from the perception that I am inferior, weaker, less than what I feel myself being separated from, not one and equal with and to specifically see what exactly I miss, disregard, deliberately avoid to see/realize/understand and forgive/stop/let go within who and what I am in regarding to the point and relationship of this resistance, fight, control.

I commit myself to realize that I can direct myself and what I do as equal as one undefined, self- and life-aware by not relying on memories and if any fear would come up that I would lose, I realize because I do not practically know things what is required, therefore I apply investigation, if needs writing and instead of thinking, I ensure that I know, which means I do not need thoughts to tell me how and what to perceive by directly trusting myself here.

I commit myself to stop fearing from letting go control and realizing that I always had fear to let go this idea of need for control and even believed that I have control in my life meanwhile in fact I am drifting within resistances through reactions which I can recognize
/understand/forgive and stop to give myself the chance to start directing.

I commit myself to realize the word directing entails being direct with what I move with and thus being 'as' what I move with and as myself and if there is any judgement/definition/reaction/fear/desire/excitement in my mind and manifests thoughts, then I am losing presence, I am accumulating personality, polarity, which leads to control, which I realize not the most direct and self-honest way to express who I really am as life.

to be continued with more specific control-releasing, going through the points I mentioned here as my past and also to see what with I still accept and allow the fear and thus the need for control in my current life.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

[JTL Day 224] Decomposing the strive for CONTROL

Home fields
I continue with my personality decomposition, this time choosing the word: CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want control, to have control, believing because otherwise I have nothing against fear and pain, meaning fearing from losing the ability of avoiding pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always choose the options what gives me the perception of I am in control about something, someone, or myself, because otherwise I could fall into my mind's temptation of constantly bombing me with possible scenarios of what could happen for then all of those I rather have control, because then I can avoid facing my fear, which is losing myself within pain, within time, meaning wasting my time, wasting my life on not being able to do what I want, what I am, who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all the stability I've gained and perceive and experience is because I feel I have control over me, over my situations, over my existence and not realizing that it is a facade, not real, but as long as I experience myself being in control, convinced that I did all I could, there is still statistically a percentage of 'happening' what I want, then I feel that everything is in control, therefore I am in balance, I am alright, I am here, I am 'at peace' with me and the 'universe' and not realizing that it is like walking on the edge of a razor, because it's all in my mind which is never stable, thus I am also not stable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within releasing the desire for control, the fear from not having control specifically by each and every single one of currently upcoming fears, so to speak 'systematically' and deal with them with the starting point of 'facing, opening, understanding, forgiving, re-defining, stopping, changing' the point as me as equal as one until it's done, gone, I am here, unified with no more reacting or fearing in any way whatsoever to that one particular point and then directing myself to the next point until I am here, undefined, fearless.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense and the most direct and simplest solution as to understand the need for control and what I fear from losing or facing or experiencing and never getting to the point to clearly see/realize/understand the fact that wherever, whenever I 'control' - it is of separation, based on a polarity, the mind, definition, energy, fear and not unification, based on equality and oneness, the physical, self.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the con word within con-trol and acknowledging that it is of consciousness systems, of separation, of fear, which I justified with that it is what I need, what I have to have in order to survive, to have, to express, to live, meanwhile in fact it is the obvious sign that my starting point is of and as fear, energy, which will not last, thus who I defined myself to be, who I perceive myself to be also will be gone as the same way as it has been created and thus the solution is to dig out/become intimate with myself to the extent of understanding why in the first place I wanted to control in order to realize the separation I've accepted with that particular aspect of self, what I wanted to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the master of control, meaning not being the slave of control, which was a fear in my early days that I am being controlled by others, my family, my school, the system because I could not get or have what I wanted simply, but I had to comply, to follow the rules, to obey, to accept external control within my life, telling me who I must be, how I must be in order to get what I wanted, such as time, space, money to be able to express myself, to be able to create myself, to be able to live which then I accepted and thus became and identified myself with the apparent 'game of life' as 'game of control' and within that became the system as who I am as consciousness as con-troll.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that who wants total control is in fear, which can be understood, but I've focused only to the subject of the act of control, which by I defined 'power' and by the polarity of that definition having the reaction of 'worthy' or 'unworthy' of my attention, which then I've accepted as automatic personality-brick in my mind as defining who I am in terms of a certain activity, a certain possession of material can have a value which then can be a measure of power, such as physical force, physical matter, so defining value according to things in this world, what with one can have control over matter, over others or even themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that at a certain point within my life I concluded that I do not have power over others - yet but wanted and also the same with the physical existence, so I decided to take control over me so to speak, meaning learning how to be able to really do what I want and not experience any resistance or limitation once I've decided to do something and when actually trying this out and really facing resistances from within and self-limitations then defining who I am as somebody who has the goal to walk through all resistances and self-limitation within himself to be able to have absolute control over himself and thus opening the gate up to grasp control of others and all of existence, which then I've never really bothered to acknowledge, because I've defined that I am at the beginning of this path, and when I am perfectly controlling myself, then I would have the time and opportunity to see my relationship with control and all the while not realizing that the starting point for all of the control in the world was because of a fear, fear of not being able to control myself and thus existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how this starting point of control determined the development of my personality, my mind, my very physical beingness, expression and who I am today and not being self-honest with myself in terms of really seeing that it's all based on a fear, which then I've inflated and systematized, layered up and managed to build up a perception of who I am and what is 'me' and what I want and why I want it without stopping for a moment and question all of this with common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within all the personality-development I could not include all others within the 'equation of control', so I've injected others as the whole process of finding myself, my control over myself and existence is not for me, but also for all others, because once I would be in full control of me, then I would not have any goal anymore but consider others as well, but for that, at first, I have to focus on me, only me, me, me, me.

Home garden
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the more I focus to my fear, the more I want control, and the more I want control, the more I justify to accept my fear and do according to that starting point to avoid, while not realizing that in fact by that I create what I fear from, I manifest what I resist, I face what I separate from myself until the inevitable point of realization of who I've accepted myself to manifest as which then I have to take responsibility for to unify and solve, meaning to stop the perception of separation and realize the fact that I am one with and as life with all of existence as equal, wherein no matter what I do, there is always consequence, thus to perceive, to express myself only considering me, I create separation, friction, which then I would fear facing and wanting to have control over to be able to exclude from my life and never realizing that if anybody else would face that consequence of my fear, then it is still them, as life as me, so in fact I abuse me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware what exactly I've did in order to have the experience of having control in my life, such as gathering knowledge, learning, studying, practicing, experimenting to be able to have definitions, rules, laws, regulations, memories, images to always be ready in my mind to be able to explain everything, to 'box in' everything, to always be able to feel like 'known' about things, because then there would be some information which by I would know or possibly guess what is going on, what I should do to remain stable, to remain effective, to be able to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the human civilization's law system of what I can or can't do, the belief systems of what is the meaning, purpose, sense of my human existence, what is good, what is bad for me or others and never questioning it, even when by exploring the human world system realizing that within different countries, cultures, there are different laws, belief systems of who we are, where do we came from, where are we going, and always trying to get that answer from outside of me, because if I would find something what is like similar to what I feel, who I want then I would be more control over me, because then there would be a relation with this world, and then I could use that relationship to stabilize and trust within my convictions about who I am and what I should do or what the things really are what I experience in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have a reason, a conscience in my mind of what I do and why in order to have a certainty, a stability, a sense of direction to what I do and who I am, so then I never 'run out' of reasons, so then I would never stop to feel that I am clueless, goalless, out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that without control I am an animal, an instinct-machine, an organic robot which then goes back to the programming of ancestors, the biology, the survival, the pure self-interest, which from I wanted to protect myself and others in the fear of if I would not have control, I would simply get what I want regardless of others, regardless of respect for life or dignity, which then I would not like because then that would mean losing another layer of control, which is for ensuring that I am 'good'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to understand my desires and fears and how those are related and in fact built upon the experience of pain and the goal for avoidance of fear and within that defining the ultimate goal such as 'love' which then would mean that when I love, then I am good, when I hate, I am bad, and then believing this as golden rule regardless of anything, any reason, common sense, logic, because if then anyone could persuade me that love is not good, then I would become negative, and within this not seeing that I completely given my mind, my self-definitions permission to tell me who I am what I must do and how I must feel, regardless of anything else but of thoughts, feelings, emotions, which then I've defined as much as me as my physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop to the extent that all thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, rules, definitions, knowledge, laws, reactions would stop within me and I would just be, simply be, without any definition, here, as the physical and explore what is here, who I am without any definition, any conviction, any control, any belief, desire or fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed to accept myself who I am in this moment simply as who I am and always wanting to be in motion in my mind, to always generate energy, reaction, to have a plan, conviction, to be prepared, always ready to explain, to make sense, to use what I have known and trust within these and not realizing the sobering fact that in the very moment I rely on any of these, of any thought, feeling, emotion, I am compromised, given up, diminished as myself, as here, as simplicity, as whole, as present, as unified.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is a beingness, a sprout, a seed of life within and as me as who I am here as a human physical body living physical being, which for to open up, to grow, to expand, to really live, I must let go all of the consciousness I accepted and allowed to rely on to know, to experience, to behave, to express until I am here, completely naked in my mind, undefined, unified, equal and one with and as my human physical body without any need for or fear from control and be able to direct myself as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control everything around me and at certain situations, also others, because I don't trust in them and I don't trust that they could manage to do what I want or what I don't want and also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control people because believing that what I want from them doing or not doing is important so whatever is important to me I want to ensure that it will be the way I want otherwise I would not feel good, certain, because that would mean what I planned do not happen which means I wasted time on planning and also why I planned will fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control everything because of fear of failure, fear of losing opportunity and chance, resource, time and within that losing myself, because by time I will get old and also die so I must be specific and effective and the more I feel I am not directing the situation the more I feel I need to control it and not realizing that control is always of separation, fear, while direction is the equal and one relationship I should find and realize and express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control where I live by always being able to do what I want and no one should tell me what I should do otherwise I would fear that not I am in control but I am controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist things and others and communication when I feel that I am being controlled and that would make me feel uncomfortable and not wanting to do it because that I would define as not me in control, thus I am losing, I am lost, I am wasting resource and time.
Violet Valley

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotions based on someone's expression and by that emotion moving/acting/behaving a certain way because within that moment feeling and defining that I am being controlled and becoming angry and within that not realizing that if I totally focus on that anger reaction, meanwhile I do not see where it comes from and why I grow it and from a point I simply want to exert it, become it and then the other person would experience it and would believe that I make her/him angry, meanwhile I know that I am making myself angry for what I accept and allow instead of stopping and always re-assessing, reconsidering, re-adjusting my stance, starting point in order to be able to take self-direction with the point as myself here without emotional reaction, without need for control, without fear from not being able to control, without the fear of losing time, myself simply realizing that also the consequence of manifesting the fear of losing time and myself is also an emotional reaction which by in fact I am wasting more time while being absolutely ineffective, so I immediately, unconditionally stop, breathe here and say no more self-acceptance of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to trust others when I do not trust myself and within that wanting others to be able to do things for me, with me, even when I did not explained to them what I want why I want but only wanting the outcome to happen which is not practical and quite impossible, because the other person do not really know what I want, expect yet still allowing myself to give permission to my mind to be frustrated about it instead of simply realizing where exactly and how I have to open up communication, direction to re-align the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can stop controlling trust based on cons and conditions, rather directing myself and my trust with common sense and thus not needing to worry for giving away my trust to somewhere where I can't expect to have and also realizing that real self-trust which is the foundation of myself, my expression, my being here can not be projected out, conditioned, therefore if in any moment I see that I lose trusting myself based on a condition, an experience, an event, then it is my immediate responsibility to sort that out, understand how I've created that and absolutely stopping participating within and living the change that I do trust myself and within that moment seeing what with I don't and then I continue stopping all doubt and also realizing what are the points/aspects of myself what I can trust and what are which at the moment should not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map out myself, my mind, my reactions, my desires, my fears, my trust, my doubt specifically to be able to exactly see what I can and can not trust and what with I can expand my trust or what is with I can't and seeing the reason and considering shall/can I change that and then deciding it and living that decision until I am trust unconditionally.

to be continued with specifying the origin and source points of the accepted patterns of control in my life what are based on self-dishonesty to be able to stop before participating and start trusting myself directly

Monday, March 30, 2015

[JTL Day 223] Decomposing Fear of Pain

Eclipse 2015 March
I continue with the personality decomposition from my last post:
The point from where I continue is the state when I feel uncomfortable, pain. Recently I had a taste of it, almost all day I had a headache. I rarely have headaches, but when I do, I experience myself quite differently, mostly notable that my 'sphere of awareness' is extremely reduced, which itself makes me react already like a 'caged animal', because I got used to the experience of actively and passively noticing things around me, which gives the 'feel' of I can have options, not just 'sliding through an experience-tube' by constantly reacting things without seeing ahead.
So it's a wakefulness, a sort of alertness I 'normally' 'have'/'do', which as I see, has a part of personality and has a part of natural self-expression, which if I 'lose', I am less 'comfortable' already and the reason I write about it here is exactly the decomposition and self-honest realization of need for correction, re-alignment as it's based on fear, separation, self-interest.

I do not feel comfortable while being defined, automatically boxed into states/reactions, even if it's coming from within, because it's not practical - the moment is always blooming absolutely uniquely within each breath, so by self-automation I actually compromise myself based on a self-definition, a conviction, an idea or a fear, which the more I accepted in the past, the more I allow to be part of me without questioning, without being able to see/realize/understand it/me and be able to stop, change.

So as I wrote about energy, seriousness and personality, fear - here I add another word-dimension: PAIN.

When I do experience pain, I have the tendency to become much less open, present and my personality gets a goal to ensure to minimize and stop the pain to be able to return to the state of wakefulness.

But what are the points behind my personalities what has been defined/formed and shaped who I am today according to pain?

I walk Self-forgiveness to explore the self-definitions I've accepted to consist of to see what I have to understand/stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my goal, reason and purpose to stop and avoid experiencing pain, because defining that pain is bad, pain is changing me, pain is ruining me, pain is destroying me by defining that it takes all my attention, energy to itself, feeling like demanding all my beingness to give into which I do not want to because feeling like losing myself, my time, my resources, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that when I experience pain, that it means something, when my human physical body experiences pain, it means a problem, which means requires attention and solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense to ask myself what is my pain actually means and why I experience it, what would be the common sense to do in order to assist/support myself when experiencing physical pain to heal/recover.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely up to me to define and act upon fear of who I am and what I am going to do and even when I am in pain - I am still here and my actions still have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something to be feared, avoided in all cost, even if it means to realize/expose something self-dishonest/delusional because of the fear of loss, fear of unknown, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that I fear from pain because of fear of change, because fearing that if I would have pain, I would have remain within pain and within the experience of pain I am accepting and allowing myself to be reactive, self-interested, the opposite of aware and being able to consider my environment, others, which is not necessary, just it is how I've accepted and allowed myself to define as a protection mechanism personality manifestation in case of pain and fear of pain, which I can open up, understand, stop and change within consideration of myself, solution and others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the experience of pain I would do something reckless, irresponsible to myself or to others what I would regret when the consequence could not be changed once I did it, therefore within the experience of pain I try to close down and suppress myself as much as possible to avoid harm and within that becoming afraid of acting irresponsibly which then I would use to fuel to be able to close myself down more and not realizing that by this the more I become automatic, reactive and in fact be able to take responsibility for myself and my surroundings and in fact be able to apply the common sense for actual solution to stop the pain and also to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately program myself, my personality, my reactions, my physical beingness to automatically choose to avoid pain, even when the pain is not great, long and rather choosing avoiding it than choosing common sense, which does not mean to abuse my human physical body, but for instance when necessary to work hard and it's consequence would be some pain to refuse it within the fear of pain and it's consequence without awareness, without consideration or common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions to always have right when it comes about to avoid pain, avoid situation of possibility for pain, and justify it with the reason of 'I should not feel pain and it is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically exclude others from my consideration when I experience pain with the justification of 'I have the right to disregard everything else but my pain and my reaction/strategy to apply for this pain' without any awareness of consequence and ability to apply common sense, overwritten by the self-automation I've defined who I am in reaction to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can remain here, present, self- and life-aware, within consideration of myself and others, consequences and manifestations even during the experience of pain, just first I should understand, decompose and stop my current personality definitions according to reactions to pain and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something within I lose myself, within what I do not feel myself, I can't experience myself but the pain itself and not realizing that within that moment what I automated myself to do is self-separation, trying to exclude myself from the pain, the experience by creating polarity in my mind, energetic experiences and within that not seeing that in fact I separate myself from myself and within that split I lose directive principle with/on/as myself and that losing I am completely aware of and that I feel like losing myself which I do not want and never realizing the common sense to embrace myself, embrace the pain.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being changed by pain then I am manifested in a way that in case of pain I will change and within fearing to lose myself who I am in regards to pain actually I manifest the experience of losing the self-definition about who I am in pain and all the while I am not fully myself but who I defined myself according to pain which was not real therefore who I act as in the meantime is also not who I really am but according to the fear and self-definition about pain, which is completely my creation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that according to the avoidance of pain, the fear of pain I've created myself and my starting point, my personality, my reactions, my actions only within the consideration of my own interest, which I believed who I am and not realizing that I actually am existing also within the rest as well just I've accepted and allowed myself to be completely occupied with my experience, my personality about to avoid and prevent my pain in the fear of losing who I am and not seeing/realizing/understanding that within the reaction to fear I am manifesting the actual losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I activate a personality within my mind to tell me how to behave, how to react, how to feel, how to act, I fear of pain, fear of losing myself within pain, and not realizing that within focusing to this experience and physical reaction to fear I create what I participate within, thus strengthening this fear, fear of pain, fear of fear to such extent that there is no other reason exists but to justify to avoid the fear and pain, even if it's not real, not related to the current scenario I am within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the thought/feeling/emotion process of convicting myself about how I react to fear, to pain and believing that I can't directly feel, experience, be this pain but needing to define/relate to/think/feel/have emotion about in order to process/to deal with because if I would absolutely and totally embrace it as this is who I am in this moment, I believed that I would lose myself or I would change to such an extent that I would again: lose myself and not realizing that what I can lose might not be me at all and within that who I perceive, think, define myself to be according to fear, pain, experiences, situations is not really who I am but what I created in order to deal with myself/what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually question and explore, realize and understand the origin of pain within my human physical body and my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how and when I abuse and exploit my own human physical body as life-source with the process of mind-activities and within that taking responsibility to stop the abuse of fueling mind consciousness systems within myself with the fear and my automatic reactions to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any resistance to face any fear is also a layer of self-definition of fear and it creates conflict within me which means energy, polarity, friction toward something I accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationship through and as consciousness systems based on words manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, images and never realizing that what I resist persists and the more I try to separate it from me here, the more I manifest it in and as this physical existence within the perception of separation but in fact I am always one and equal with all what is here as creator, creation and created within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to accept and allow systems within me separated from me being directly here is based on resistance, fear, which is of friction, conflict and the only way to take responsibility and become the directive principle of all who I am within and as existence is unification, embracing all who I am existing as today and stop participating within what is self-dishonest, based on fear, self-interest unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the practicality and common sense, effectiveness and directness of the writing/sounding/acting self-forgiveness in relation to all self-accepted relationships I exist and consist of to recognize all patterns of what is not self-honest, what is not supporting all life and simply stop participating one by one until I am free of any fear, any need of separation, any systems of self-definitions, any mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the process of application of self-forgiveness is the process of finding and expanding, manifesting and expressing unconditional self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the experience of pain I've allowed myself to be defined as the victim, prey, that I can't do anything about it so the best strategy against it is to prevent pain at all cost, even if it means to act upon this prevention at all cost, meaning only considering my interest of this prevention of pain.
I commit myself to stop participate within any resistance toward pain, to accept any justification and excuse for why not to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, become in order to realize/see/understand the utmost responsibility I have within embracing, stopping, changing all what is here which is not as Life as who I am as equal as one.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand in every aspect of my breathing life that there is not a single consequence I can escape from in this existence thus the common sense is to face/embrace/unify myself with all what is here as who I am and stop the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions of self-dishonesty breath by breath within the accumulation of walking the Process of Application of Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to decompose all aspects of my manifested behavior which entails, contains, tainted, stimulated, influenced by fear of pain and realize that the fear from changing by facing, experiencing, embracing pain is futile within the fact that the more I separate myself from what I have allowed here in and as the physical, the more I lose directive principle thus unable to take responsibility to stop and change as myself as equal as one, therefore I commit myself to stop running and hiding from fear and within that from pain as realizing that who I am should not be defined or influenced by any fear therefore if I see it within me moving, reacting, I investigate, understand, forgive and stop myself as this self-definition, as this reaction until there is nothing here only the "I am here".

When and as I see a responsibility but I resist it because of any fear or pain, not seeing any gain or not feeling any energy by it - I motivate myself as decision, self-will, act as self-direction without any need for stimulation, gain or fear from lose, based on principled living of what is best for all with practical common sense.

When and as I fear from changing by experiencing pain, I become aware of the pattern what I used to use for avoiding the pain and becoming the personality for avoiding this pain and realizing what is the starting point of this fear, who I am as it's source and what I must be done in order to prevent further pain to cause.

When and as I experience pain, I realize that as I move toward my center of my being and excluding my reality, others - it is a pattern what I've developed by time and the same way I can decompose, stop it and become practical instead of reactive, open and directive instead of closed and reactive by acting immediately with self-trust, self-movement.

When and as I resist losing something within risking, I apply common sense and stop using the excuse of 'not wanting to be reckless and irresponsible' in order to justify fear of pain and fear of fear and trust myself to find my limits and walk through them breath by breath.

When and as I see that I am not trusting myself unconditionally, I stop and I re-align and forgive myself about everything I have in my mind and realize that all is excuse for accepting self-limitation instead of living self-direction so within that I write, sound, apply self-forgiveness unconditionally.

When and as I see that I face timelooping within facing/stopping/changing a pattern which does not support me, I ask for support, not allowing myself to get possessed by the idea of 'I must have to fight this', 'I am handling it', 'I got this' as realizing it is not about myself and within that realizing that within DesteniIProcess course and the group I can express my points to get support without any fear of judgement or separation and within that to realize that when I am able to assist and support others, it is myself who I give support to and assist to within the practical application of walking through self-separation, self-dishonest self-interest and thus re-writing, re-aligning, re-educating, re-birthing myself as life as equality and oneness in and as this human physical body.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

[JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

I continue with Personality. Previously I've opened up points  of
Which means that there is this point of seriousness when feeling energy accumulated in my mind, a certain personality activates.

A personality is a pattern for who I think and believe I must behave and it has patterns, conditions, definitions and of course limitations.

Recently I was quite aware of one of my most apparently 'powerful' personalities, what I call as 'The Stoic'. It's not really 'powerful', but when I am being possessed with it, it gives that false feel of power, which then I use to shield myself and still become effective and very punctual - well, in fact quite blunt and ruthless sometimes.

I always wondered about this aspect of my mind and I believed that I learned from my grandpa, who had jail time and he was quite a gangster in his time as he had to live in a time where was revolution, street gangs, and he was a good fighter, but this is just information - I did not have to fight much myself.

My father was border-guard in the communist era and I always could understand the military mind and in a certain way this personality can be quite effective in war, because there is like a feel of my inner space and emptiness shrinks and there is this specific frequency of fire within which drives me to play out everything externally - mostly to focus on others, always finding their 'weak spot' and engage, expose and utilize in order to reach/get what I want, which also comes from inside quite automatically.

The most interesting point within this is that I deliberately go into personality, there is mostly a thought pattern before, but sometimes no - and then there is a reaction, an emotion and then when I go into this 'mindset' - to have this feeling of force, power, which fuels me, and I 'ride'.

It's always about a certain reason - and if I can decide that I stop this personality - or change to an other, then it's simple, immediate, which is kind of weird experience, but it's part of who I have become according to the self-acceptance of fear, because it is built on that in it's essence.

What exposes this personality that I am not fully myself is the tension, the drive, the lack of inner experience of infinity of silence, emptiness.

Instead I am constantly in movement, there is no pain, fear showed and it's pretty easy to make others react, who has also fear or reactions and from that moment it's about 'them' and as people go into the 'game' - I ride that and it's weird but once I go into the 'win' point - it's like running upwards a hill and once I ran up, I want to run further and there is no more, I am on the top but I still want to get higher and there is no way and it's like an engine is just running and it's no need for it - then I can have a weird moment of 'What the fuck I do' and I can settle down, because I realize I do not need to fear.

Recently I was asked to stop this because it was not cool and I was immediately able to stop because it was clear that I do not need for this personality, especially that there was no need to either find weak spots, prove my point or even protect myself - and within that moment I realized the ridiculousness of this personality and how long I've created, participated it.

I have several personalities, but I've given to this one the most permission to activate and become, because it seems effective and powerful, apparently can protect my 'mini-me', but it's not direct 'relationship' with reality, it's coming through my limited mind-set, it is conditioned and in fact at certain points it's not effective and what I really lose by becoming this 'stoic, skeptic, bitter, critique' is the humbleness and equality.

The humbleness and humility - towards life and others as me as equals - and I was able to justify that with this personality that I can support others to expose their self-dishonesty, even if it means it's raw, crude, unpleasant, but as it's a pattern, it's limited, I am automated, same as with drugs - gives the ride but not me directing within utmost specificity and awareness, but patterns of manifested consequences, self-definitions, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

As I walk the Journey to Life Process of writing, sounding, applying Self-forgiveness, I accumulate the ability to stop myself and step back and see how it is based on what fear and by that realization becoming able to decompose the patterns which constitute into building up and automatically becoming mind-personalities.

The false sense of 'power' comes from the personality by skipping the moment of being conscious about fear, being actually aware of how I create the fear experience with which I sabotage my ability to apply the most direct solution.

It's interesting to see that schizophrenic people are being judged as 'bat shit crazy nuts' but in the meantime an 'ordinary' human(of course a 'healthy' ego does not refer itself as 'ordinary') has many personalities: one for picking up partner, one for arguing with parent, one for being the good worker for boss, one for being a great lover, one for deal within the ghetto, in rude environment, one played out at parties and the transition, the interconnectedness of these self-definition-based reaction-rule set personalities is so smoothly embedded and ingrained into one's life smoothed with thoughts/feelings/emotions that by the becoming we do not see/realize/understand that it's a con played by our consciousness based on our own original fear to have a feel of stability, certainty, power.

"I am a lawyer, a soldier, a programmer, an artist, a great lover, a Chinese, a biker" - self-definition - limitation, based on polarity, energy, fear.

It is quite brave to acknowledge that I accept and allow fear without any justification and excuse, projection or blame, because then it is all about self as who I am here today. I am responsible, which is quite intense, but simply true and by this realization I can decide to understand, stop, change from my fear to fearless self-expression.

There is also a gift, an advantage within decomposing and stopping automatic personality-activation: the ability to decide within responsible, humble, yet effective way on how to act, respond, which in the beginning feels less smooth, powerful and 'normal' but these are also dimensions for to apply self-forgiveness as a false reliance on qualities based on self-definitions of polarity, condition instead of Self-direction.

I am power, I am expression, I am humbleness - it should not be based on a condition, a person, a circumstance, because then it is not self-direction, but self-automation based on a self-accepted reaction manifesting into action.

So I walk Self-forgiveness to become aware and decompose the patterns which constitute to create, react to, become identified and act upon personalities.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting reactions within me, accumulating into energetic experiences and activating personalities within me with the justification of 'I need this' in order to behave the way I feel I have to act in order to get what I want, to protect myself, to have movement, a feel of power, clarity, obviousness and within that not realizing that it is a system I use as a layer within separation from what is here, from who I am as life as equal with and as all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear directly within wanting to use energy, reaction, self-definition to give permission to be acted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to protect my beingness in the fear of loss, fear of change, fear of hurt, fear of pain, because I've defined myself according to my changes to fear, loss and pain and allowed myself to be automatic with the patterns I react to fear, to prevent fear, to deal with fear without understanding what I fear and actually why and what is the consequence I cause by this pattern to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I created personalities in my mind, to automatize reactions, behaviors, what I've defined as supporting me, protecting me and not realizing that it is based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, which are based of certain fear without questioning what I participate within, what will be the consequences for me and others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I define a situation serious, meaning I have something to lose which I do not want and I feel the tension, friction about it, having inner conflict within and react with fear, I create energetic reactions within me which accumulate into personality to activate to feel and behave certain ways, which I've defined as who I am and how I should act in situations and not realizing that it is not self-direction because it's a reaction based on how I reacted in the past and given permission to become automatic.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I lose presence in and as my human physical body and focus my attention to things outside of me meanwhile losing awareness how I am, why I am doing things, then I give permission to my mind to react and act automatically.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware when I act automatically meanwhile listening to thoughts, feelings, emotions and not realizing that I am separated within this - having inner reactions, programmed to come up and react, take away or make me do things what I not realize that it is based on fear and never considering the solution as stop myself going into fear first and see what is actually the point I want to avoid.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define activating personality as feeling good, safe and familiar and define it as myself and by the energetic experience, feeling myself as powerful and not realizing that I am compromising myself based on conditions, self-definitions and pre-programmed reactions to deal with fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I've created personality in my mind based on thoughts, feelings, emotions and when and why I go into activation of the certain personalities and not seeing that I want to avoid fear based on another layer of fear and not seeing the whole pattern, the whole dynamics, the whole system, only being identified and reacted to one layer at a time, just like a turing-machine, an algorithm, a fuzzy-logic rule-set, which consists of conditions and reactions, just much more than I believed I could grasp and understand, which is also comes from a fear and in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all the fear I experience is not real, it's just an energy I want to avoid because behind it there is awareness, responsibility, change, which I defined myself needing to resist at all cost, because who I defined myself to be should not change, because then the fear would come up that I am losing myself which is also defined to fear and within behind all this, the interest of me, self, separated from what's and who's all here as equal as me and within this not realizing that regardless of my experience and my reaction, facts are here, based on my actions and if I act based on fear, it's still manifested.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I can let go fear, I can face and walk through the fear, the valley of shadow of death, which is losing all which is my self-interest, which is the death of who I believed myself to be as personality, mind, consciousness, system, and beyond there is a birth of life, fearless, undefined, direct living.

I will continue to decompose the particular personality I've started to open up here...
I suggest to learn and apply Self-awareness Life-skills with the Desteni I Process Lite Free Online Course:

Friday, March 6, 2015

[JTL Day 221] Energy and Seriousness

There are points and topics, situations within communication wherein I experience a reaction within me, which is based on a belief, a self-definition, a fear, a self-dishonesty and it's became automatic and limiting, so it's common sense to become aware of these exactly to prevent myself participating within by taking responsibility for what I accept and allow and create.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what somebody says to me about me by always judging it is true or not and based on that feeling something positive or negative automatically without questioning why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that why I do not walk through point until it's clear, I am here, I am the directive principle, because allowing distractions to come up and believing in that those are indeed important things and not considering the tendency to not face/walk/stop the point I face currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by something when I am actually doing something, as walking through a point - not literally, but going through the reflections, definitions, reactions and I remain here, present with the starting point of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reactions of my definitions of the past when I talk with somebody and not realizing that it is a distraction, because in the moment I do not listen, I push my version of reality into my mind and then into the conversation based on a conviction of a pattern I feel adequate, even if it's not common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map up my mind, my personality, my characters within myself to become aware of the points I react with positive or negative reactions, especially wherein I am automatic immediately, such as righteousness, wisdom, spite and not realizing that is because I lose a perception of control and wanting to get it back by going into patterns what I allowed myself to believe it could help, as wanting to prove that I am right, I know or wanting the other go into doubt, uncertainty and not realizing what are the points I allow myself to act upon these.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into argument with someone for wanting to keep up or maintain something I feel I don't have, for instance when perceiving that the other person is making a mistake, not understanding the situation, wanting to me to change, behave, do something and then instead of considering that, the person, automatically, by the nature of how the person approaches me, I would go into reaction, defense, offense and not even realizing it until there is tension within me or within my expression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I accumulate tension within me during conversation because of the perception of losing my patience and within that allowing myself to perceive the communication as not effective, not progressing, stuck, and within that feeling that I am losing time and thus losing my interest to continue, yet when I am involved with the point to communicate, I feel that I need to push it in order to give a pronunciation to my expression by believing that if I am more determined, more direct, then that would help and not realizing that the other might perceive it as aggression, rudeness, blunt force, which would not result within understanding, respect, agreement mutually, which is in fact my starting point during the initiation of conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel wasting time when I am unable to share my points of reasoning, realizations, perceptions, and define it as not worthy, which then expressing it automatically with the other and not considering that the other might perceive it as an insult because might recognize this as a judgement of me being arrogant and acting superior as stating that the other is fool, unable to understand me and only recognizing this pattern when seeing that the other is reacting with frustration.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to clarify and purify myself in the beginning of communication that I stick to remain here, directive, consistent and 'patient' in terms of giving the time to explain what I mean and giving the time the other to express her/his point without me interrupting, reacting with thoughts/feelings/emotions and when those would occur - I direct myself to stop and re-align myself here breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that during a communication if I react with negative emotions/positive feelings, then I am losing presence, direction, clarity, consistency, thus the priority point is to stop and prevent myself reacting to first be able to hear the other without judgement/filters of my mind and until that is not clear, here, stable as myself - then that is my responsibility what I commit myself to take and live as a guide for what I have to do for practical change within stopping myself reacting automatically by investigating what points I feel triggered within during the conversation and why - what is the actual fear arising and what I have to change in order to prevent myself reacting with fear, such as cleansing myself from the past.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop reacting to my past, using it as a reference and justification to react and go into the patterns what ends up with worry, frustration, fear, anger and not realizing that is the key and the road to getting my presence and direction here by letting it go with throughout understanding and practical application of embracing and stopping the point, the reaction, the information, the energy, myself as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear, be anxious and irritated about the points of my past about relationships, the person of my relationship about what happened and what was not cool and why was not cool and not realizing that was the past, and if I do not change my relationship to my past, then I do not allow myself to change in the present, thus re-creating it into the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not react with energy, emotions in a point of a conversation wherein I feel that I am not getting what I want, then I have to use that energy to influence me, to boost, power up, force me to change tune, tonality, words, voice without realizing what exactly I give permission to change with this energy specifically and thus not taking responsibility to be able to prevent to act upon fear, anger, spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define feeling energy as feeling alive, feeling powerful, feeling true and real meanwhile not realizing that the very definition of energy is also polarity-based, lack of energy versus having lots of energy and the more I define and rely on conditions of how I must feel, be, behave according to the amount of energy I feel or lack, then I am the less Self-directive here but act upon my past self-dishonesty as energy being the fuel of me instead of me directly here undefined, without any polarity.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've given permission to my mind, my body, my beingness to react and act according to energy automatically and defining this automatism, this permission-giving and reactions as who I am as a whole and not realizing that it is a system, and within it there is a beginning and an end, there was a creation and there will be a destruction within which I do not really exist because if there is no energy, I do not move, I do not act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having energy, not having enough energy, fear from not being able to create energy and not be able to feel energy and within that fear losing myself and the sense of direction, perception of power and not realizing that energy as I feel, define and react to it is a consequence of inner friction, polarity, separation, conflict and if I am dependent on it, being influenced by it, then I am self-dishonest, who I perceive and act upon is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely build my personality based on energy and define and identify myself according to energetic experiences within and as my human physical body and justify it as this is the feel of being alive and never slowing down, considering, directing myself to really observe what I participate within on a thought, feeling, emotion level and to exactly see within utmost specificity that it is in fact based on friction, separation, make-belief and fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within communication I want to express myself and be able to explain my starting point, my value, my reason, my want and if that is being challenged, resisted or not even being understood, then I go into the insecurity because then I question myself that 'Am I really sure that shall I talk/communicate/explain to this person right now?' and within that I focus to the doubt, the reaction, instead of focusing on the expression I do, focusing on the person who I communicate with, on the point I express and in the moment of doubt, I am separated from my communication, from the person who I communicate with and also from myself and within that separation in fact I do not have directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue with the communication when I see that I am not clear, certain, direct and present in the hereness of the moment and not realizing that it is because I participate within energy, reaction, judgement, therefore my communication is not direct, certain, self-expression, but based on a fear, therefore the common sense is to stop for a moment, re-align myself and decide a direction and walk it unconditionally within self trust and if still doubt, questioning comes up, then I use it as to cross-reference that am I sure what I do and why I do? And if not, then I change, and if yes, then I walk through any resistances breath by breath by realizing that resistances are based on fear, self-definition and those also can be understood and walked through with consistent accumulation of physical action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear from not being able to express myself, not being able to explain what I want, because in the past there were occasions when I focused on doubt, fear, mistakes instead of my expression and therefore I compromised my actual communication and then as I accepted it and repeated this pattern, I've defined myself as being incapable of communicate, and not realizing that all my perceptional limitations can be understood and walked through with applying the tools of Self-forgiveness, Self-correction, Self-commitment with written, sounded and acted step by step until I am clear and directive and consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I continue on focusing to how I did in the past, how I make mistakes in the past, then I am not allowing myself to be fully here, directive, to expand on expression, clarity, therefore I re-create the experience and consequence of failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how the person is capable of better communication than me and compare the person with me and based on that feeling myself superior or inferior within communication and not realizing that this definition is also based on fear, because not allowing to be in and as the moment but superimpose the definitions of my past and within that limiting my perception and expression.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I go into emotions while I talk with someone, then I am not directive, present, effective within self-honesty, common sense, because the energy of emotion, the whole self-definition, personality system is being activated which automatically will create more reactions what I would justify with believing this is who I am and this is how I should act and not realizing that I can be and become living words directly wherein I am the words as physical expression, without energy, without rules, without definitions, and not realizing that within every single energetic reaction there is a self-definition, a fear that without it I am not capable and therefore it's a giving up, a defeat, a losing myself experience which as the more I accept and allow, the more I physically program my human physical body flesh to behave so and to stop this I have to first be able to slow down and understand and accumulate action based on a re-defined words to live, unified as being the same in mind, sounded word and action to stop the inner separation, fear, energy to direct me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh when something serious is the topic and within that trying to use laughing as a trigger to not be serious because as I've defined seriousness, I would become rigid, reactive, defensive and offensive, because how I've defined myself to deal with 'seriousness' is to become hard, controlling, ruthless, clinical, rational and within this not realizing that it is based on fear, I fear losing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I react with a self-defined seriousness, it is of fear of loss, fear of change, who I've defined myself to be feeling being challenged, risked, attacked, which then I response to with creating distance from the subject of my self-defined source of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of when exactly I go into the laughing and making fun of things as a defensive mechanism to prevent myself going into clinical, rational mindset and also when already seeing that I actually lose my sense of humor, awareness within the automatized 'seriousness', I try to make fun of it in order to change my perception, view of how I would react and within that not realizing that it is not self-direction, but actually based on fear of not being able to control myself, and wanting to control myself by how I act, as within this, if I make fun, am being capable of laughing, then it is not serious, which then I've defined as supportive for a mentality of 'taking it easy', which I've defined as practical approach, because then I do not take it personally, I do not lose myself within the experience of reaction and within all not seeing that what I really go into is fear and all other is automatic, pre-programmed.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not being self-honest with myself on how I approach the polarity manifestation of my mind's creation about seriousness and defining it as a two-poled dimension from very serious to absolutely light-minded, flippant and based on that 'state' of my mind, defining how I approach things, how I react to things with myself and others without realizing it, without questioning myself and be able to apply common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there are several dimensions in my mind which are constantly being determined as a polarity-baseline of my personality and by those being defined how my 'mood', 'state of mind', 'perception', 'reaction-base' should work and within that in fact I, as, Awareness is not needed, not present, not expressed, based on self-accepted accumulation within participation of fear, which to stop I have to understand these polarity dimensions, the rules/circumstances I define and by that determine my state of mind to be able to prevent myself reacting to, automatically act upon.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware that within partnership, relationship, agreement, I allowed myself to believe that I need to fight and stand up for my rights and integrity, because as I've defined partnership, it is always based on that the other unconsciously wanting to overtake, manipulate, dominate, control the relationship and within it: me, which is the nature of consciousness, what for I do not trust my partner, therefore I should always be sharp and within this not realizing it is fear of loss, fear of change and it is the consequence of not established agreement which stands and not realizing that the only way to manifest stability, trust within partnership is the same way as I can develop it with myself and then to extend it with another person, such as stop the fear of loss, realize what I fear losing, facing and then create a process of walking through and stopping breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fun of when who I have a conversation, communication with that the person is getting serious, emotionally charged and defining her as 'losing it', 'losing presence' and judging her/him and then within that separating myself from her/him, going into my mind, and by a polarity, defining it as I am cool, stable, while the other is uncool and unstable and feeling positive about it, because defining myself as superior, more aware, directive, while the other is someone who requires guidance, assistance, direction and within that wanting to give direction, suggestion, which I automatically wanting to share, the other to consider and when not, then having a laugh and smile and defining the situation as 'this is when I need patience and not to react' which is also of fear of if I would not apply patience and stopping reacting, then I would lose my patience and I would react, which then would mean that I would not laugh but go into serious mode which would mean I would become distant, clinical, radical and determined, which I defined not wanting to because of the worry of the other would define me as not caring or aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about being defined as not caring or aggressive because then I would need to explain why I am not that and within that I would have reasons for it and within that explaining I would feel that I made something wrong which I would doubt it, and even if I would feel wrong, then I would feel doubt within me and either way I am not present anymore, I am not directive, which then I would feel being uncomfortable with, which then I would define as not cool and unsympathetic, which I would want to change, otherwise I would end up being stressful, anxious, fearful without realizing why exactly and what is the reason for it and what is the starting point to be able to apply common sense and prevent myself to react with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I have resistance to be with someone based on reasons I have to find reasons and circumstances to why to accept, within which I would not be sure, consistent about, then based on that I cannot really build an agreement on, therefore I must be able to become absolutely self-honest with myself and see what I am currently accepting and allowing and why, and what it is I can, want and will change in order to the agreement to create without any reaction, anxiety, worry, fear.

I commit myself to continue to reveal my fears, definitions of when I go into the dimension of serious---not serious dimension and why and work on stopping it, and use common sense, and see what I fear from losing to embrace and decide what is the best not only for me but other participants as well.

Monday, February 23, 2015

[JTL Day 220] 3. Living by the principle of self honesty

3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

I've always been looking for the answer, the key, the solution, the resolution for my core - so to speak - problem. I've searched quite far and even more deep yet all I was always facing is the limit I have became.

No one can tell me that the self-limitation can be disregarded in one second - there is no such practice, drug, experience - anyone tries to sell it - it is a lie. Why? Because all I have ended up being here today is a result of a delicate process, a complicated chain of events, decisions, circumstances compressed into my human flesh, the beingness of me and regardless of all of this may look as complicated as seeing all of it's data all at once, in fact it's quite simple if I can see it from the appropriate view- or starting point/perspective.

Am I being honest with myself, absolutely in this moment? Am I able to remain consistent within applying self-honesty within my action to re-define, correct and re-create myself, regardless of any internal or external situation?

Everyone has insights, revelations, realizations - the key is within being able to apply it constantly, otherwise it's a swing-experience, up and down, back and forth and by accepting that - one does not change.

So something requires to be able to applied to develop consistency within the application of one's realizations - without that it's just empty wise, dry data. It's about the physical, practical specificity.

There are points within me what I just can't accept - yet what is the reason I do not change those of me? What is the actual fact what makes me incapable, powerless, inferior or even hopeless within changing aspects/expressions/reactions/perceptions within and as myself?

It's self-acceptance within separation. What is the reason I am not standing equal and one as myself here? - Without any judgement, reaction/thought/feeling/emotion, without any definition and just stand - just be - and embrace as myself?

One also can ask - why being such a picky about not being perfect? Why not accepting being flawed? It's also a point of Self-honesty, because I can have the answer for what is self-dishonest, when I choose something comfortable in self-interest meanwhile am I absolutely sure that I cannot do anything? How can I be so sure if I did not try with all I could? Self-acceptance can be in a way 'dangerous', because it's the integrity of who I accept myself to be and what is the actual definition of life, living, values of what I express, live by, share, not only with me but the rest of the world.

I look at myself, I see something as not cool, yet I do not change, there is a reason - is that reason valid? Can I trust my reasoning, my thinking?

What I feel gaining by a thought? What I need for to think, to have feelings?

Who could I be without definitions - the same as today? Not exactly. What is the reason I do not even try it? The conviction that I am more with this mind in my head, body, beingness - because I am not standing all alone with who I am, directly, here, undefined.

That is a reason - I can open up and become intimate with myself - to really see what are my reasons, my motivations, my purpose.

That's right - can I face my purpose? Am I living my purpose? Am I aware of what is actually my purpose? Can I agree with what I want/think/actually live as my purpose? Are these the same?

An interesting observation about thoughts: I used to think - a LOT - it's like a virtualisation - there are words, meanings, sentences, even dialogues. Remarks, notes - suppression. We all know about the thing called schizophrenia: when someone is going nuts in the head and thinks, even sees things, persons, personalities what are not present, real. There is a fine line among being able to effectively operate as a human in this system by utilizing the thoughts and when one is being distracted/mesmerized/deluded by the thoughts or even obsessed and lost within completely.

There is the realm of 'normal' wherein one can surf safely with the thinking - it's like an inner personal assistant - makes notes, remarks, reminds us for what we should not forget, to see, to do - it can be used as creative visualization to have a better understanding for things, and there are also patterns what can come up as doubt, anger, fear, spite.

It might can look like one is being lucky with cool thoughts while other is being cursed with toxic thinking but the fact is that there is always an equal and one relationship with the person's physical actions and inner thinking.

I am sure many humans can believe that some thoughts can be suppressed, disregarded and even forget - but if we could see a person's life, the thoughts one has and the actions one takes - there is correlation - so it is kind of the same.

This might not mean much, but actually this is one of the keys we can use to transform ourselves from self-delusion to self-honesty, from self-limitation to self-liberation.

Because at first - all I have to do is to understand - the why and how within myself - when my partner goes out and I could just be and enjoy or do something cool, I go into the jealousy coming up in my mind, then there is a reason, there is a scenario. That can be investigated. If one can learn to stick to practical questioning, it can lead to a point wherein I understand all the things I did, perceived, all the consequences I caused and then I see them as a maze - a sort of imaginative visualization - I see the scenarios and I see which leads to - fear. If my partner do cheats on me - then it happens - then I will decide what I will do - do I want to be with her or not - but to be mesmerized with this fear and act upon it - it certainly does not help. If I need to remind me and my partner and all surroundings not to cheat, then that is also a scenario - if I accept that level of 'trust', 'partner', 'myself' - but if I cannot see what is going on here, it's certainly because I lost myself within the thoughts of fear.

I also investigate and understand - when I fear - I am separated from what I fear - I am inferior, I am reactive, I am uncertain, I am lost, therefore I commit myself to understand and stop my fear.

It's a practical skill what one can learn if decides so, just to stick to the consistent application - if there is instability, always write down - then it is a physical process, not just a mind-war among forgetfulness and emotional/energetic distractions meanwhile I am just thinking in circles and ending up doing something resentful and obviously stupid.

Self-honesty starts with the decision that I stop the patterns within I see that I am not directive, I am not understanding, I am incapable of take responsibility for to see it's consequences and my power to stop and change.

If it means I write, I write - it's already gives so many things what supports: slowing down to write word by word, physically writing/typing, actually doing what I decided, to investigate/direct/want to change, what supports me with better clarity, self-trust and practical understanding.

I write and I write down all my thoughts, reactions, doubts, desires, fears, limitations, everything. If I have an objection to write - I start the writing with that - why I resist writing down - what I fear realizing, what I fear losing? Time? What's more important to purify myself from delusions/distractions/fears? Am I able to state that I have zero power to provide to myself a slice of time for self-support? Five minutes?

Am I absolutely right, certain, confident to the degree that I do not need to understand more about who I am, how I am, where I came from, how I became who I am today and what I am going to do?

It is the point of Self-honesty: am I lie to myself when I say with clarity that - I know who I am, I know what I do, I know why I do it and I know that this is the best I can do for me and others?

Do I need reasons why should I consider myself and others as well?

Am I absolutely confident that I am the best of me who I can ever be?

Self-honesty is the mirror which is the key for awareness, responsibility, in fact: power. Power over myself to stop all the patterns what I see that not supports me or others.

Self-honesty is the eye of the needle for not just being self-righteous, all-knowing, super-wise about everything, because all knowledge is useless until it's not lived - and this means change. Am I able to change myself to stop the doubt, fear, the spite, the neglect, the distractions?

With this Process, I see/realize/understand that if I think, I am not whole, I am not here and within that there is also the realization that in fact I am not thinking, I am being subjected to the reflection of thoughts. Each thought is a sort of suppression, words with meaning, purpose - if I am not aware of it, I do not know how and why I am reacting to it or not reacting to it, but certainly accepting the thinking and within it's existence - I am existing as refractions - lost in time and space, because I am uncertain when or where a thought will be triggered what can have an influence on me and all I know for going through this maze of existence is by the thoughts/feelings/emotions and within that I trust these more than myself, I use my mind to have trust, reason, purpose and within that it's fundamentally self-dishonest, because behind all of it, there is nothing really, just automated patterns of uncertainty, fear.

There is a way to synchronize, unify, re-create myself, which is through the process of Self-forgiveness.

I give - for myself the realization of all the reasons, definitions, judgements, suppression, desires, fears, that these are superimposed reflections of my self-dishonesty, originated from fear of loss, fear of change, fear of giving up, fear of just being here.

If it would not be this way, I would not wait, I could just be, to live, to express without the personality of the mind.

I've tried to disregard, dismiss, even destroy all of my mind's personality - it did not work, obviously, because I was fighting me - and within this fight - I can not win - there is always a part of me which loses and then wants to win - it's the oroborous, the self-eating snake, ying and yang. I suggest to not even bother to go into this fight - I've been there, I've gave into all I had at my disposal, I was able to go nuclear in my mind and body - regardless of the intensity, grandiose of this fight's anticipation - energy will not last. Only the human physical body deteriorates. It's the source!

All battle within oneself is a lost cause - it's like wanting to fight war with soldiers to attain peace - exactly, if I look around, how ironic - but in fact what I am going into fight with, there is this perception that it's because I am unable to direct it, I fear from it, I am inferior, I am separated from it and I want to use force to control, dominate, change, destroy it.

If I would be the 'superior', rather using the word 'directive principle', because within self all is equal and one in a way, but then I could just embrace, take over, direct the solution without fight, energy - so within this I realize that the fact is that I've already lost direction, I am not fully myself, as a whole, unified, consistent, stable being. And then I investigate.

I have realized that I ended up with not being exactly the same within thoughts, spoken words and physical actions - it is common, but it is not yet common to stop accepting it, but will be.

Those, who walk the Journey to Life - it takes quite some years, but each step we walk, accumulates to equalize and unify the words we think, say and do - because that is where LIVING starts - when our words start LIVING as ourselves without any conflict, friction, separation.

It's common sense - if I think, say and do the same, the thinking is not internal, it's all unified - I trust myself that what I say and do is what is within, without suppression, conflict, like children do, a sort of innocence, but not in an irresponsible, rather a life-aware way, because I am capable of understand the consequences of my actions and if I see fear - I stop it, because I am seeing how I would compromise Self-honesty, how it would affect me and others and within the self-direction, I am able to stop and change myself without conflict, fight, war, friction. It's possible and even within this human system, wherein we are so busy and living among many people through complicated processes.

This is the principle what can be the starting point for standing equal and one as myself and the whole existence - it's not a mystical, spiritual, religious feeling/experience, it's a simple but consistent application of Self-honesty, which will accumulate into such change what impacts not only my internal but the external reality as well.

I commit myself to ensure that I am pure within thought, word and deed, because it is Self-honesty and to realize that the inner and outer are equal and one and any judgement, reaction, separation I experience about this - is my responsibility to stop.

This is how I approach my 'problem', which is self-limitation, the closed door to the freedom I was always striving for and I realize - it is only me who I am limited by - so I realize - the fear, with I justify not realizing, moving, changing, letting go aspects of me what limits me to unify within thought, word and deed - is not who I am, therefore I commit myself to find practical ways to stop this fear, the need for the fear.

To stop this fear, I see/realize/understand that the self-definition, the physical addiction to energetic experiences, the self-automation I must become aware of within utmost specificity and breath by breath, small act by small act to be able to becoming aware of and embracing it as who I am here and stand as equal and one. Once I stand here undefined, within awareness, self-direction, self-honesty and I stop - not with force, energy, control - but as who I am within oneness and equality.

Within practical terms - among human relationships I have allowed myself to lose clarity, direction, because I allow influences from self-judgements according to patterns I've not yet became aware of that in fact it is not self-honesty, therefore I commit myself to continue the Journey to Life writing/self-forgiveness/sharing/stopping/changing Process until I am here, undefined, unwavering, self-directive, unified and consistent within Self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop caring about how people would think of me, or define me, if I would be consistent and I commit myself to stop the fear that I will change therefore I would not be consistent and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being consistent according to what I do, how I act, what I say instead of realizing that within Self-honesty and Self-trust I can develop consistency within and I trust myself, not patterns and whenever I would use memory or any reaction to define consistency, I stop, I let it go.

I commit myself to stop giving up on myself because of not wanting to give up points what I am facing with and realizing that if I give up everything, I am still here - but if I give up on myself, I am in fact not giving up points what is not me.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand and find practical ways to Live by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa