Saturday, October 25, 2014

[JTL Day 207] Tiredness vs Awareness part 7 - commitment

Continuing on decomposing the self-accepted patterns in regarding to tiredness which I've allowed to
cause friction/energetic movement within me as realizing that it is not self-honest, not supporting me and in fact I can let it all go and trust myself directly without reactions/thoughts/definitions.
Last time I wrote this:
When and as I experience tiredness in my mind, in my eyes, in my feet, in my breathing - I consider if I am able to take a break from what I am doing if possible and give myself a presence, a relax, a refreshment without needing to think/define/judge the situation of judging it/myself as I am getting tired - I simply do it without needing to wait for thinking such - directly thus preventing myself from going into my mind.

When and as I feel like I am not present, but still doing what I am doing, when I feel like I start to have a distance, when the emptiness starts to create a void within myself what I would feel like lack of energy and then judging that as 'I am getting tired' I bring myself here, I focus to my chest, my body, my breathe, my posture, my physical senses, my direction here without defining as it is required, simply expressing myself and re-defining myself as presence within physical action.

When and as I would want to do something and within wanting losing my presence, my ability to consider my body, what is exhausting and how and pushing the limits to the degree of 'really wanting it to be done' and not considering physical limits, time - I see/realize/understand that it is not about how much I can push at once to do, but it is about stability, presence, persistence, consistence which means considering how to do things with including resting, respecting and supporting my human physical body as well as equal as one as my will, direction, expression.

When and as I worry of not doing something to it's completion, when worrying of not finishing something if I would stop doing it for a moment of resting, re-stabilizing presence, preventing tiredness/exhaustion then I remember that even if I take a rest/relaxation/replenishment I can be aware of what I am doing and I can remain consistent with my direction/will/presence to continue it with the consideration of the support of my human physical body.

When and as I would start working and not feeling when the body requires resting/relaxing/regeneration I realize it is because I am not here, aware, equal and one with my human physical body and thus accepting thoughts/feelings/emotions to be generated automatically and then waiting for those to tell me how I am, what I experience and who I must be instead of myself be aware and directive in each moments with consideration of what I do while also consider my body, the physical.

When and as I do something such as working with computer or in the physical world with things and I see myself thinking about something, unrelated from the job, or even related with the job - I realize that I can unlearn that automatic reaction and develop a stable presence/direction/self-trust wherein I do not need to think but always express myself here.

When and as I feel tired and exhausted by doing something and thoughts start to arise and I feel getting tired I stop the need to fight tiredness instead of see/realize/understand the reason I feel tired and do something to stop it - and if possible take a break, refresh/realign myself here.

When and as I feel tiredness or exhausted and what I do cannot be stopped at this moment for instance working with others which requires to be done or that specific part requires to be done first to be able to have a break, then I focus to breathing, presence, direction and be one and equal with what I do and push myself out from my mind and realize I am here, my body is breathing here and birth myself in each moment to be and remain here.

When and as I feel tiredness emerging in my mind and feel the lack of energy and dullness I breathe and push myself here and apply self-forgiveness aloud or if not possible, I apply the forgiveness in one moment as a decision to step out from the tiredness and also seeing/realizing/understanding the reason coming up in my mind what tells me to be alright to feel tired such as lack of fresh air, needing water, doing something more time than I am able to do without being tired and that excuses I forgive myself for accepting and I immediately bring myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself, my actions, my attention, my expression based on thoughts I hear in my mind, my head, instead of realizing I can act and live directly preventing thoughts by understanding, presence, direction, self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to notice, see/realize/understand when I am acting, doing something meanwhile accepting thoughts, listening to thoughts, reacting to thoughts, seeing thoughts as myself directly and not being aware that by this I am preventing myself to be HERE directly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that tiredness is a thought, a definition what to I can decide not to listen but feel my physical body, my awareness, myself and discover, explore, build and express self-trust by remaining undefined.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that one of the reasons I've allowed myself to be constantly stimulated by thoughts is because I believed, defined myself as somebody needing to be instructed, suggested to, told by thoughts because otherwise I would not be motivated, stimulated to act and within that not realizing that all I allowed myself to become is a result of stimulation, dependent on lack of self-trust.

I commit myself to stop any definition in regards to tiredness based on memories, on worry, on fear and as I understand the already accepted patterns in my mind I understand, decompose and forgive myself for allowing myself to be limited by definition, judgement, separation.

I commit myself to be equal and one with and as my human physical body and feel my breath, feel the physical signs my body is giving in regarding to when it requires for resting, relaxing, rejuvenate, regenerate and I commit myself to develop a presence within my body to immediately be able to see these signs to prevent exhaustion, sickness.

I commit myself to stop all reaction within myself based on memories about how and when I used to or supposed to get tired by specific events, circumstances, actions and stop all the energetic reactions within me what I've participated within because of the belief, the perception and the self-accepted limitation of that 'I am unable to feel and be my body directly here and need my mind, thoughts, energies to tell me how it is and what I supposed to do' and within this I commit myself to stop this pattern and I let go this complexity, this system and I direct myself, allow myself to realize that I am presence, I am breathe, I am physical, I am simplicity here.

When and as I see that I am not taking the rest when my body indicates me that I am being exhausted and be obsessed with what I do and wanting to do more and more and not rest because of the worry/fear that I do not do enough - I let it go and I consider that what is really important, I can continue when I am rested and also I realize when I am exhausted I am more exposed to my previously self-accepted tendency of wanting to stimulate myself with energetic experiences, reactions, judgements, thoughts, feelings, emotions which then will accumulate me into moods, personalities, which with I will accept inconsistency, because of the energy comes and go and then by that inconsistency I will not be able to do what I want, commit and direct myself to do, therefore in this case I let everything go of my mind, all worry, fear or even 'being high' from progressing in something and I realize if I really decide and commit myself to do what I want - then the consistent accumulation is more relevant and effective than do it until exhaustion therefore I take the rest and if required I take notes on what I plan to do after resting.

I commit myself to worry of not being able to do all the things I planned to do and wanting to not rest when my body requires it - because of being possessed of the idea of not progressing and generating energy by that fear reaction and using that energy to continue doing what I do and realizing that within the worry I am not myself but of fear, as fear thus I commit myself to stop, calm, re-align myself with presence, inner quietness, simplicity, breathing and remember the reason of what I allowed myself to be obsessed with even to the degree of disregarding my body, my health, my consistency to apply self-forgiveness to support myself for the next time to prevent reacting the same dishonest way again.

I commit myself to stop defining myself as 'I am tired' and whenever this thought pattern would come up I act immediately within re-aligning myself physically here, stopping the energetic relationship definitions and apply common sense and self-forgiveness to prevent myself in tiredness-definition while accumulate self-knowing, self-trust and self-direction to be able to apply rest/relaxation/regeneration when required.

I commit myself to stop worry of not doing enough thus overwhelm and exhaust myself when feeling the mood/energy/condition to apply myself which would indicate not self-direction but of reaction thus I stop it, I realize it and I apply self-forgiveness and realize that consistency, presence and patience is the most practical approach to get things done.

I commit myself to stop the already accepted automatic patterns to energize me meaning using substances, sexual arousal and deliberate anxiety in order to overcome the energetic tiredness as realizing/understanding/seeing that unless I motivate/stimulate/influence/move myself with and through energy - I am separated from myself in the acceptance and fear of not being able to directly be here and aware thus I immediately re-align and change and let go each reaction in regarding to energy and learn to move with and as the physical body's rhytm and presence as equal as one as self.

I suggest to listen this practical approach on tiredness/sleep/mind for further understanding:

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

[JTL Day 206] Tiredness vs Awareness part 6 - practicality

This is the continuation of the mind-tiredness patterns and expanding on impatience:
So I've been 'practicing' the moment of truth with myself so to speak, when at moments I need to wait yet I want to rush forward, currently pronouncing: with computers.

I mention it as moment of truth - in fact all moment is truth - but do we realize it?

When I am facing the point of friction because within my mind I want to rush while not being aligned with reality, kind of reality feels like drags me down, pulls back, or at least I judge it like that in my mind and thus judging it as bad and that creates the friction, energy, charge experience.

I have a cool example: I am using a browser add-on which allows me to set up my Stumbleupon account and be able to 'Like' a page simply with a keyboard shortcut - thus whatever page I find as cool Self-support, simply being able to add it to my Stumbleupon profile's collection.

Sometimes Stumbleupon just marks it as 'Liked' and adds it immediately but sometimes it loads a pop-up for clarifying that the page is safe for work, can be tagged, give a quote and more info about it.

Then a pop-up page appears where this can be set up and it recently changed, thus it does not load almost immediately, but mostly in 2-3 seconds. Also after filling the form when I send it - it also takes 1-3 seconds to send it and I have to wait while if I click away it cancels sending thus I literally have to stop doing anything.

Initially when this change happened and I tried to add a page to my SU. collection, I've had this reaction like 'holy shit, how long I have to wait' - and after that I've wrote my previous blog post.

I mean I was so impatient, that I've felt like losing my life on needing to wait for 2 seconds! Because in my mind I've defined this as a simple gesture when added to a keyboard shortcut, that is why those shortcuts exist, right? I just press and the machine gets it and then I am already 'on' my next moment.

But obviously many things happen meanwhile as it's in sync with my SU profile, checks the site itself, loads the form of extra questions, sends it, sends reply - being a programmer I KNOW that it takes a lot to manage something like this, especially in a multi-million-user system, like Stumbleupon.

So about this I almost started to form a judgement as a point of frustration - and then as writing all of these blog posts - I was able to slow down and stop for a moment and take a breath. It's just that - and the page's loaded.

And then I've realized what I've wrote about previously - it is always one breath to let it all go and be here, just be and remain here.

And we can be always one breath away from HERE, but sometimes to get here it's obviously a process, cannot be forced or just be changed in one moment within behavior, chain-reactions of automated, self-defined judgements we feel as it is who we are, but within walking Process one moment another, in a sense it is Self Here already walking and that is the most profound thing a human can achieve: to change and direct oneself one breath at a time and walk through the self-created mind-limitations unconditionally.

Within this it's to acknowledge that each written word about our mind, our relationship with our mind, behavior, the reactions, the realizations, the points needing to understand more, to see it before going into the same patterns, to stabilize, to slow down, to feel the presence - these all accumulate into a more aware, more present, more responsible human being to be able to direct ourselves to become.

I see that by writing this, I have the opportunity to forge this realization into practical ability to remain here and consistent within effective and present breathing to prevent myself going into reaction and at the same time to be able to intimately see what is the reason I am going into reaction and behind the layers there is always judgement, fear which is not necessary and in fact the opposite of real support for effective solution.

And the tendency within my mind to re-create and evolve existing patterns can still surprise me sometimes for instance when activating the Stumbleupon keyboard shortcut and coming this impatience reaction and within that automatically saying to myself: 'patience mode, breath' - and to realize it is already of a pattern which is in fact not absolute self-honesty, because there is still a reason, a condition, thus not self here is expressing but again: leaning on and hiding behind a condition, a rule, a judgement, separation, pattern and for that there is Self-honesty as a compass to then engage myself more within specifying the understanding for why I still do not remain here unconditionally, what is the reason, the memory, the self-definition that I still rely on more than absolute self-trust.

And for that the Desteni group, study material, the online courses and EQAFE lectures are the key support - to understand my creation and within that grasping the whole existence's creation and thus to be able to effectively walk through the layers of the mind consciousness system, which is indeed vast, but not infinite, difficult, yet the process, as Self is: simplicity.

Thus I specify and continue walking through the layers of the mind - also I still walk the DIP Agreement Course which is really a cornerstone of my self-support currently, thus I really suggest to check it out and dare to walk.

So - with the Stumbleupon point I wanted to give a practical example, which I will continue to walk with Self-forgiveness along with another point which is emerging recently.

When and as I sit in front of a computer I see/realize/understand that I have allowed myself to automatize my behavior, give permission my mind to react to self-defined conditions with positive and negative energy and allowing to accumulate into physical feelings, moods, tension and accepting those and not questioning, stopping and changing myself about those because that leads to inconsistency, impatience, tiredness.

When and as I sit down in front of a computer I stop defining myself and my attitude according to the computer's speed, capacity, responsiveness by realizing that I decide when to react to what within considering what supports me within self-honesty.

When and as I experience that the computer is slow, not responding, the browser, applications are not loading immediately, I breathe, I simply am here and remain undefined - I see/realize/understand that I am capable of deciding what I am going to do with the computer and once I decided it, it does not matter how slow it's going to take - I remain here, breathing, consistent, unwavering meanwhile directing myself and the computer - and if meanwhile it would take that much time what would not be common sense to wait, then I act accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware the point of self-acceptance and self-defeat within that not being able to decide when it is too much time to wait or embrace the computer's/internet's speed while doing something with it but defining rules and conditions to when and what to react and defining the accumulation of these reactions as frustration and when it would come defining it that it is not cool and then defining my relationship with this not-cool-ness to THEN do something about it and focusing to these reactions completely losing perspective and forgetting the fact that in fact I am not directing myself, I am not present, not here and also that I allow these self-defined reactions to tell me when it is too much, when I am being frustrated, when I should do something practical about the fact that it takes too much time to wait for the computer.

This is important - because in fact within self-honest walking with self-forgiveness it is clear that I've decided to accept each and every single reaction to become automatic and thus allow myself to be compromised by actually creating reactions what are not supporting, diverting my attention from the actual solution and becoming unstable, creating friction and making myself tired.

And the solution can be sometimes just accept that 2 seconds to wait when clicking - or when working with videos I face extreme amount of lag sometimes as it does what I do - mostly complex multi-layered hd-animations - and finding more effective, smart, doable workflows without reacting with so much unnecessary frustrations.

Also the solution can be realized also that I would need a better computer, a faster internet, if that's possible and then to consider how to manage that - another whole scenario can open up, for instance financial considerations - to find out how much it would cost to upgrade and if I can have money for that - is there any reactions in my mind on spending the required amount? If there is no enough money, how I could have such amount and what I would require to do and meanwhile be aware of what is the priority here.

I mean to actually do something in this reality it is mostly being able to work with limitations without being limited - which can also be judged as obstacles, something to resist to realize, face, overcome, solve - and also can be seen as challenge, fascination, like what I am going to face and realize about myself meanwhile walking this challenge, for instance within this to prioritize how to upgrade my computer and meanwhile not become frustrated but be able to be effective within it's usage.

Anything can be possible and everything can be compromised in the mind but one thing is certain - if there are reactions automatically, frustration, energies, instability, then we are not the directive principle but accumulation of self-acceptance, self-defeat, self-dishonesty, thus to walk through those also an accumulation is required: of self-direction, self-stability and self-honesty.

I write this meanwhile the computer renders a frame of a 15 seconds of animation in ten seconds, thus for sure it takes time but meanwhile I walk through the conflicts of the mind and remain here, directive, stable.

I will continue with more specific self-correction, self-forgiveness and self-commitment on preventing to react with the mind but instead of remain here, directive and breathing.

Monday, October 6, 2014

[JTL Day 205] Tiredness vs Awareness part 5 - impatience

Continuing with on the point of tiredness...
...and as self-correction I planned to walk here in this next post, there is something what is coming up as related and relevant point to forgive myself about first to become aware exactly the patterns what are self-dishonest and I still accept and allow myself to participate within.

So, before the actual self-correction I bring in another dimension, which is: patience.

I find it relevant as recently started to see/realize/understand a very interesting point about tiredness versus impatience.

Whenever I am becoming impatient, I lose my balance, I lose my presence, I lose my consistency, I am not motivated anymore - not to what I was before, thus I am going into the same pattern as before - reacting, judging, more focusing to what I do not like and my thoughts, emotions about how and why I do not like it, rather than simply stopping myself reacting, preventing the situation which I find not supporting.

It is interesting because as I am losing my presence by giving permission to my habits to react and judge I am becoming tired very soon.

There is also a point wherein I can start to lie to myself about it is now patience when in fact it is acceptance and allowance of something what is not self-supportive - only way to come out within absolute clarity is self-honesty - which if it's not obviously consistently here - then I am most likely not sure, because I am not that intimate, present, open with myself to be aware of what is in fact self-honestly the best for me and others around me equally.

Thus it is always simple, but as I engage walking through the layers of the mind it can be pretty soon quite complicated, multidimensional, many points link and point to each other and the whole rule-matrix in my personality can be triggered and reacted to automatically.

However Self-honesty is always the most simple and direct way to reveal what I am accepting and allowing which is not best for me and all and thus to express the common sense to stop that - stopping myself doing that without any other, new con, complicated logic or reasoning.

I am simplicity, I am breath, I am life, I am expression.

More and more time I am allowing myself to give myself a piece of patience so to speak.

As I am slowing down within myself, attuning my mind, beingness breath by breath to the pace of my human physical body - what I have realized is that the difference between patience and impatience is always about one breath.

FASCINATING, isn't it? Whenever I am losing my temper, feel my blood boiling, my nerve to electrify with this anxious, angry, frustrated expression - I simply breath.

It seems quite tricky, I was 'planning it' since a decade - however what I've found is that once I walk the specific Self-forgiveness statements, to open up, as writing down the exact words, reactions, thoughts, emotions, patterns - I bring it down into physical time-space - word by word as I write the letters, words, sentences - I am slowing down, and thus I am allowing myself to really see/realize/understand what words I consist of and react to and why.

And it's like a map I draw - the many curvy and complicated paths I carved into my mind as my personality, habits, through memories, definitions, preferences, desires, fears, limitations, points of positive, negative - these are quite determining and as much each human is striving towards freedom - this is the exact opposite what we result with.

When I forgive the point of losing my temper because of the computer is slow, not responding - typical point, I am sure most of the humans can very much relate -

"This f*** computer is so slow", "The webpage does not load", "I am wasting time", "I am spending my life staring progress bars", "Crashes the moth****"...

And it builds up - I am aware, when I am not traveling and not being behind the camera I am using computers - same with phones, tablets, any machinery, anything!

Just like we have a plan, wanting to do, an intent, and when it does not work, we lose our temper, getting dragged down by the slowness, the experience of lack of energy, tiredness is coming.

It is to observe our human physical body - the breathing, the posture, the muscles, the inner state of ourselves. It seems also tricky as being busy, having to do complicated work, listening orders from others, needing to quickly make responsible decisions and executing those etc.

But if one starts walking Desteni I Process online courses - can step by step understand what is going on within our mind, what is that what makes us react, what is that I am becoming anxious, mostly me is the 'time being wasted while waiting for the machine to do what I order to it'.

And one simple point I suggest - in this time: BREATHE - take a breath, re-align with self-presence, self-direction, empty our mind and just be with ourselves.

Come on, it's just some seconds mostly anyway - what it is that why we can not enjoy ourselves 'alone' for a moment - the machine has to be waited for, so what?

Same with a little child - if the child walks, does things slowly, is it really cool to become anxious, angry, because they need a bit more time?

I am not saying the machine must be slow and it is alright - absolutely not - but if I do accept MYSELF to become anxious, frustrated, angry, because of a computer - then obviously not the machine is responsible for myself losing myself and go into predictable, always the same energetic reaction, which does not support me, others or anything.

For me also it was the self-judgement of 'I can not do anything' - if the machine loads - I felt like I am the slave of my decision to wait for the computer, no matter how slow it is - and while I judge how slow it is, I accumulate frustration, I compound anger.

And in relation to computer, it's speed, my lack of capacity to use it but in fact I am becoming frustrated because of the fact that I am automatically giving up my presence, myself in that moment - that is also really frustrating to acknowledge that I am compromised, diminished and the most relevant point is that 'with my own consent' - that also can be frustrating to realize and more frustrating to not do anything about it.

So it is really serious and it is also depending on how much pressure one 'gets', like angry boss, deadline, financial risk, influencing others if not being able to do it etc - but after all - who I am in this very moment is in fact who I really accept myself to be and exist as.

In regarding to tiredness - it is a pattern existing within me to become anxious, frustrated because of impatience and then going into reactions which makes me feel more energetic first and then when it's over, it's like sugar-rush - drags me down.

And stable, consistent expression always felt for me as wrong, dull, normal, ordinary, mortal etc - and I've defined energy, intensity, diversity, polarity, waving as more interesting, more me - which was not self-honest - it was self-definition excuse to justify why I am in fact not existing but as reaction patterns. The self-identification with energy, intensity, positive, negative - was in fact the only consistent I've manifested myself to be without my presence, my direction, my stability.

This whole cycle to participate within all the time also can manifest layers of tiredness of accumulated self-defeat, lack of self-motivation which should be written down, forgiven through and committed to stop one by one, breath by breath.

And if anything coming up in relation to this decision to stop - it is also a pattern and should be investigated, forgiven, committed to stop - fascinating!

If I want to stop procrastinating but what coming up first is 'I do not have enough time' - then I should walk through that idea in my mind of 'not having enough time, why and how I experience that' and to realize it is just an experience.

When I am present, breathing, directive - there is no tiredness, there is no impatience.

Let's walk Self-forgiveness in regards to tiredness and impatience specifically my living days currently.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I am becoming impatient - I am giving into an automatic self-accepted reaction for a reason as giving up into self-defeat and losing myself, defining it bad, defining my powerlessness for what I react to as being impatient and also for what I accept and allow within and as myself how I react without be able to realize how and why I do so and within that to be able to prevent and stop myself participating within it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that becoming angry/frustrated/impatient is not supporting for a practical solution, but rather I focus to my reaction, for my giving up for accepting myself as powerless yet not liking it instead of simply being aware of the point I do not enjoy and remain here, present, directive and find practical ways to not give any excuse for losing my stability here and within that in fact myself.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that I have a choice before going into impatience, anger, energy surge of frustration, powerlessness, which is not react with the same patterns but remain here, remain within breath, presence, physical awareness and if I do not see the opportunity, the practical ability for this choice to make and live by - it is because the accumulation of self-acceptance within the consent of giving my mind the direction, automation by a belief that it is also me, it is who I really am and it is who I define myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized/understood the simple common sense of applying self-forgiveness of the points I've allowed and accepted myself to become aware my responsibility for what I am and be aware how and why exactly I am reacting to assist and support myself to recognise the external/internal patterns/circumstances/conditions what makes me react the way it is I've already realized it is not as living my utmost potential within absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-forgiveness is the awareness of life if I am becoming responsible for my actions and the consequences of them as who I am and thus defining relationships and reasons for why I have to apply or why I do not have to apply it as myself undefined, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the consequences of what I have not allowed myself to forgive to myself, to others and to all of existence to live the interest of me, the interest of self, the interest of my mind and hiding behind it, hiding behind myself while not realizing that I am constantly manifesting consequences in reality, whether I am aware of them or not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see-realize-understand that if I resist responsibility for myself and for my existence, I am hiding in a bubble of conditioned mind consciousness system which will inevitably burst and then I will face myself anyway but the consequences are accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I am going into tiredness when I wake up in the morning, because of the specific reasons I allow myself to define myself in relation to tiredness such as how many hours I've slept, how I've slept, what I did before sleep, what I did not do before sleep and also very relevantly: what I am going to do today when I wake up and what is my experience already in regards to this very day, the things I am going to face, do and if there is any judgment, worry, fear, desire, thought, emotion,friction it is to realize I am going into judgment, separation, the mind which with I eventually can persuade myself of being: TIRED.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand how my mind and body is interconnected and stand as equal and one because of the extent of self-accepted separation of my beingness, my mind, my body and thus not be aware of how I am making the body being tired while participating in the mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that thinking only can make me more energetic, awaken, fresh when I react to the thoughts and that reaction is also the mind and thus showing to me that who I define myself to be is in fact the mind, thus not being stable but always of relationships, polarities, reactions, energies and not be aware of that all of this energy is coming from the body, making the body exhausted, tired, abused while in my mind only considering about energies which is not physical and thus not being in an intimate, present, equal and one relationship with my own human physical body to be aware of what makes it exhausted, dragged down such as thinking, desires, fears, energies and be self-honest about stopping these patterns - use common sense on how to stop these patterns.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am always one breath 'away' from prevent myself going into impatience, tiredness, losing myself here and it is because I've defined importance into the mind instead of presence, physical, direct vulnerability here and not realizing why to be able to prevent myself to do so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually decide and do what it takes to really slow down within the activities I do each day by investigating, sitting down, writing out what I do and why to be able to see myself as I am, not judged, not defined, not feared, desired or stimulated.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can absolutely walk through each trigger point of impatience within my life with self-forgiveness/self-correction/self-commitment and if I do not apply it as solution as myself - I am not self-honest thus it is common sense to apply self-forgiveness for the self-accepted reasons for why not being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand what it is making me react with tiredness/sleepiness at my workplace because always reacting, not breathing presently and thus not seeing that because what I actually do or do not do - I already have judgement about it and reacting to it drags me away and existing in the mind is already manifesting tiredness as for to be able to be in my mind so to speak I need energy to generate/react to which comes from friction, which comes from the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient, frustrated, angry when the computer is not responding immediately, defining myself as wasting time, needing to wait and not see-realize, understand that I can simply breathe and be comfortable with myself waiting for a moment and simply be without the need for judging the scenario as bad, projecting out the anger to computer, others while in fact being angry at myself for losing myself thus looping myself within unnecessary cycle and becoming tired of being the same pattern, of being powerless and not being stable.

I will continue with more specific self-forgiveness and self-correction.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

[JTL Day 204] Tiredness vs Awareness part 4 - Interest

Continuing with reading aloud the previously written Self-forgiveness statements to see where I can expand to specify the self-realization of acceptances of what I direct to stop and change in regards to tiredness/motivation/energy.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that having no motivation is in fact a 'giving up', wherein in fact allowing myself to be persuaded with thoughts and reactions to trust events/reality/circumstances/luck/hope/others, and within that in fact covering up the already manifested, accepted, re-created experience and relationship of doubt within myself, within here, thus trying to project responsibility outside of self, into separation from self while in fact it is always self is responsible for what accepts and allows here in and as physical facts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and believe in the lie of not having motivation while in fact within that self-re-created experience I cover up the fact that I deliberately re-create the accumulation and manifestation of doubt within myself here meanwhile not realizing that when I do not have motivation as self as equal as one of who to be, what to do, how to live - then I am accumulating doubt, separation, fear to influence, direct me while hoping the opposite to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope in any way whatsoever, meaning not doing anything, not changing at all, yet expecting things happen, change by something force not self, others, existence, reality, thus allowing to believe, allowing to wait, allowing not to move myself and accumulating lack of self-power, self-direction, self-confidence, self-trust and by that accumulation manifesting personality of excuses and justifications why I am unable to move, change, direct myself and my reality within responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that tiredness is a manifested construct within my mind which influences, direct my physical beingness within my consent accumulated with the energetic experiences of hoping, waiting, expecting while in fact being obvious that there is a tiny chance for happening what I wait from luck, and thus in fact playing the casino mind-game, while not realizing I deliberately stop myself expressing, naturally moving yet manifesting a friction, energy by not being able to stand absolute for in fact 'wanting' something yet being sure that there is only a little chance for being able to 'get' it and within that friction manifesting tension, anxiety which then I have to equate out with positive thinking/energetic reactions and all of this making me busy, occupied.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that making myself busy, occupied, focused to into my mind constantly to react/balance out/equate all the tensions not to feel too much insecure, unstable, not to face the fact that I am deluding myself, thus ensuring always reacting to something what makes me energetic, positive, such as with re-experiencing what I've defined as 'I like', and then having the reaction of good as 'doing what I like, so it's all good' - while in fact the starting point was that I do something what I am not content with, what is not cool yet not focusing to that, not questioning why, not wanting and doing anything to practically stop, prevent these mind-games what make me tired and within that tiredness using it as excuse that - 'can't change, move, I am too tired' and within that self-definition allowing this to manifest more directly into my physical, into my beingness, thus literally becoming tired, exhausted.

I forgive myself that I have not realized when and as I use motivation as to 'beat' tiredness, instead of asking, seeing, realizing, understanding why and actually how I allowed this tiredness to accumulate, experience, being defined by and as and seeing the reasons/scenarios to be able to PREVENT it happening again and again and again.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see/realize/understand what is my interest within each motivation I allow to occupy and asking that is it best for me and all others as well as being stimulated by energetic experience of desire/excitement of wanting something to get/achieve and be able to consider with common sense what it's manifested consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how exactly with motivation I am able to prevent tiredness as constantly defining the thing I am interested within as being the point of stimulation and within that having a positive energy with which I am energetic, vibrant, vivid to always do what motivates me and not understanding how I limit myself, my expression my interest, my responsibility only to the points I've pre-defined as motivates me and creating the polarity as what 'does not motivate me' and those things/points/aspects of my reality automatically defining as I am not interested within, thus resulting as a disregard, ignorance without considering the consequence I still manifest with it, as responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can re-define motivation in a way which is not of polarity, not of stimulation, not of energy but as self as equal as one within principled living as accumulating consequence manifesting to what is best for all within the realization of who I am as all as equal as one as life within responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when giving into the experience of tiredness in fact I am giving up on my principle of live according to what is best for all with not investigating/walking through the layers of the mind's manifested energetic experience of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within being able to see what is in fact real fatigue, when I need to rest/relax/sleep for some time and then giving myself the opportunity to support myself within preventing tiredness and energy craving and reactions, polarity friction and reactions conflicting within me in order to beat tiredness by compromising my constant physical presence by going into the mind realm to stimulate me in the perception of 'overcoming tiredness' instead of letting go the initial relationship/reactions/definitions to actually prevent the experience of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the excuse for motivate myself with actually all the things I've defined as of my self-interest for what I feel stimulated, such as sexual arousal, technical gadgets, sweets, entertaining films, music, photography, cinematography, money and within that losing perspective of accumulating and remaining within consistency within my action for what is best for all participants in this human system, meaning considering what must be done for the system to become more equal for all in terms of life-support thus realizing the need for a new education, activism, art, media, economy and politics and act according to that as motivation, undefined.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define who I am according to the interest of being motivated to have experiences, such as what with I stimulate myself to feel better instead of considering to motivate myself directly with and for actual, physical facts and within that considering what would last in opposition of experience which does not.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to being lost, obsessed and separated into experiences of my mind and my interests only while disregarding the fact of all other beings and their life-circumstances, lack of life-support and deliberately choosing to ignore the fact that I am equally responsible for all what is here and thus self-define and self-automatize personality-programs within me as motivation only within the interest of me, my surroundings, the ones I've defined as relevant, close, important while not see/realize/understand that I can consider all equally and all what separates from that is my participation within my mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions/reactions/fears/desires/tiredness/doubt/giving up/lack of motivation what can be investigated/forgiven/corrected breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the word self-interest as self-in-the-rest, thus realizing that I am always in the reflection of others, thus all what I accept and allow within me and others is also self-responsibility and if my motivation is only entails me, excluding the 'rest' - as all others equally - then I am in fact not motivated with my real-whole-self-interest but as only a separated fraction of who I in fact am as all life equally.

Continuing with self-correction and self-commitments

Thursday, September 18, 2014

[JTL Day 203] Tiredness vs Awareness part 3 - Motivation

Continuing with walking through the tiredness as decomposing, forgiving, stopping, re-creating myself word by word and assist and support myself for breathe/act/live the change as equal as one.
So as I was investigating my existence when I was in a flu at the weekend- which is kind of a catalyst in terms of intensities of self, especially with the fact that I was not 'working' but had to rest quite some.

It was fascinating to see through the layers of the mind - as mostly I am quite busy, always doing things until the point of exhaustion, tiredness.(It's related to inconsistency and lack of self-knowing, but it is for now an other topic to write about). Right now in this moment so much thing coming up, thus I take some breathes to remain here, directive, present without losing focus from all the memories, insights I want to write and share.

Alright. So the first thing comes up is motivation. It is like a 'pilot light' there is this beingness within me and with motivation can grow to a bonfire and easily to a firestorm wherein it is too much and burns all around too soon and then shrinks back again into this tiny little flame again.

Motivation is the blood, the petrol of my fire to melt down and boil up the ice holding me back and when I am out of it I am: tired.

Fascinatingly enough I've been successfully separated myself from the very idea/meaning and actualization of this word: motivation by making it conditional/literally limiting it to circumstances/events/experiences and thus my very expression I've given permission to prevent being consistent, unconditional, permanent.

Giving a couple of experiences when regardless of how much I've slept - I woke up like this: sleeping sleeping sleeping ...awaken....opening my eyes - YES - I am here again - then jumping out of bed and rushing for doing the thing I was motivated about.

In fact does not matter much anymore what was the thing I was motivated to do, but just for practical examples I list a couple ones, also noting some self-definition as 'spice'

-Playing Halflife computer game at the university - the storyline, the game play, the experience, the whole stimulation and feeling I had meanwhile - just motivated me to play through as consistently as I could, in a way totally living in the game without needing to leave it for my real living(I really did this with many dozen games already, but this one was specifically intense, around 1999).
-Facing the final exam at university thus eventually being free of it - the excitement of uncertainty of success, the stimulation for approximating the literally unknown etc
-To wake up meeting my girl to make love, mixing up sexual desire with fascination with the being
-Waking up for a sunrise to take pictures/videos at a cool location, wanting to explore the virginity of the first moments of the day with my awesome hi-tech gear for perfecting my skills, for share with others, for 'enjoyment'

Okay see - it is quite 'personal' so to speak - I've defined myself so and thus I reap what I sow - ENERGY - so when I am motivated, it's like the jolly joker to beat tiredness - I don't care, I am shining through so to speak - it's bearable, it's like weather - shouldn't and thus doesn't influence my day.

Tonight I've noticed this flaming again - tomorrow for a filming job, I will buy the fastest compact flash card available in the market, making the amount of recordable video doubled as I am capable today in one session, faster, more smoothly.

I am motivated to go to work because at lunchtime I will go to the mall and pay for it and most of the money is covered by the actual 'work' I make with video - it's like I am right on track for accumulating a dream coming true.(I go into the details as reveals the whole scenario more clearly).

Here I must distinguish from obsession from motivation as for instance when I was dopesmoker, I was so eager to jump out from the bed, eat some(just for the high not being about realizing/solving hunger) and get violently stoned as soon as possible - and that was also kind of motivation - later on I was doing things while stoned, but it was the important aspect of waking up motivated for sure.
I just wanted to bring some of my current life's 'motivations' I decide to correct as I see the self-interest emerging - not as buying a flash card is selfish but if I have energy, reaction, attachment - I am not fully here as self, but of and as ideas of consciousness systems. This is the eye of the needle, no compromise within the starting point of absolute self-honesty - to ensure nothing motivates me automatically, even if that automation was created, programmed, given permission to by me.

So even the very definition of -motivation- can be literally of anything, thus the human energetic organic robot is quite a specific one in terms of it's wide variety of programmability, but in it's essence - it's all the same, just the pictures, definitions are different among individuals.

Alright - so all I wanted to point out is that the very motivation I had/have is still mostly about my desires - with starting Process, and long before, I had the idea of motivation being to benefit all beings, all beings equally, but that still rarely being lived out IN ACTION.

As many people as well probably can refer to it - almost each and every single pageant talks about 'world peace' and actually most of the human individuals would want to have a better world IN THEORY - but to actually do something about it is so rare and in the jungle of personalities of our mind's weaved self-interest we barely are able to fulfill our own desires.

Especially when one would want to act according to what is best for all - even to find out what that would mean one can face extreme amount of layers/systems/reactions and then to reach the point of actual realization of what would really impact for all beings - such realization as the money point in this human system - towards the actual, practical, doable plan on how exactly, specifically could that be manifested: and then facing one's reaction to that amount of change, work and effort required to manifest - depends on and influences: MOTIVATION.

So in a way - motivation is also a construct, especially if separated from self, from direct self-expression - when it is self-defined, conditional, limited - can support through only a certain amount of resistance/tiredness - from the mind( - still not of physical fatigue).

Tiredness is a concept, an idea which is like a nest, a self-weaved mind-creation with which one can say to self and others: well, I am pretty much tired to a certain degree that I can't really move anymore effectively.

Moving, meaning realizing, changing, expanding, really living.

Most of the mothers can relate with this I guess - in the early morning the baby cries and one wakes up to feed, to care, to support - and can overcome so much experience of tiredness, however many can still be influenced, dragged down with the experience of tiredness.

As I was observing my own experiences recently while having the flu - I had some headache, I was in the bed, I just had a long nap, I was so tired - and I was just recognizing that actually I was listening to thoughts -

'Well, maybe I am this much tired, because now my body is fighting the illness, so I am exhausted, I need to sleep more'.

Thus I slept more - and I was more tired!

I was like wtf is going on, I do sure rest, I am all the rest I can have, but still I barely can jump out from the bed and drink water - which might be required for not feeling that tired.

So then I was experiencing this thought-hive in my mind for a while when in fact I was a bit 'energetic' - in a way like stimulated up with these thought-patterns/reactions to them with polarity/friction so then I stood up and started to move.

And I was starting to move, step by step, started to breath one after another - my head was cleaning out, my tiredness started to fade slowly but surely.

And then I figured out - I need food, I need drink, I need to dis-wash, I WANT to do something, still I am 'officially sick', thus having the excuse for all day doing nothing - I want to make use of this day too somehow. That was a moment of motivation.


Without wanting I was nothing but restless tiredness

With wanting I overcome tiredness.

I had to believe what I want is important, what I want to do, I am able to, and is cool for me.

At the moment of starting to move, I had no idea - just I trusted I can do - anyway it's all I ever can have - self-trust in when and what I want and with that motivation to actually live that out.

Also in a sense I had the impression that with accepting the fact I am now sick I do not need and actually don't want to do anything particular because thus I can rest and recover faster, thus I just let myself to rest and sleep as much as I can so then hopefully soon I can be able to return to my usual 'me' of eager to do things all the time - when not being tired.

So within all of losing myself in the deep experience of tiredness deliberately - I had a motivation behind it - to recover faster.

So it is just fascinating to investigate how and why I experience what I allow me to influence/direct me.

Also to observe babies/tiny kids - they do not freaking reason like this while learning to move, walk, talk - they just DO - direct motivation to LIVE.

After all it is being programmed to pick up the same strategies as other humans around them but in the beginning it's obviously much more direct/effective/practical how they - as we also were - motivated to learn and expand - without reasons, without excuses, without concept, being undefined, yet being oneself - I want to walk, I learn to walk, I do walk. Simple.

I see/realize/understand that I do not have any option in this but to totally decompose/forgive/stop all motivations I have and literally re-define/re-create/re-birth myself with a motivation as equal as one with self, in equality and oneness with all what is here as response-able, as direct as possible.

Even the concept of 'beating tiredness' indicates polarity/opposition/friction/conflict thus it's a trap.

The holistic, unifying, embracing, transcending solution is to specifically purify and let go each and every single definition/reaction/judgement/identification with tiredness and PREVENT myself participating within it before needing to experience inner friction, lack of energy or motivation.

I mean it is obvious that most of the humans has some interest for wanting to do - money/sex/power, just to name some - or experience itself in it's multifaceted overrated fact of self-separation for our - certainly unique - affection for it.

I am not here to judge how false would be to wake up each day with the motivation for making more billions than yesterday in the sadistic altar of greed but it's impact is deliberately rippling through the whole existence with it's physical consequence.

But hey - how more false to be motivated with our own little bubble of experience of existence only in the charming spell of apparent free will to have our own decision within who and what we are while disregarding a whole world of consequence.

To aim the absolute with motivation is so uneasy by minds of clouded with tiredness while in fact for this poison it is also the remedy: being tired from this existence as being motivated for it's change!

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have given permission to motivation to be automatically be triggered within my mind and me reacting with energy and with that energy opposing, fighting, balancing, overcoming tiredness and not being aware of how and why in fact my starting point within and as my mind is tiredness, lack of energy, no motivation, no movement by myself directly but always needing something to stimulate/influence/direct me and this whole mechanism, conditions, rules, acceptances and starting point defining it as me, as who I am without stopping, breathing here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be separated with the word motivation, with the word's meaning, with my relationships, definitions of motivation and allow to be triggered and influenced by the polarity-based positive or negative energetic experiences to literally motivate me instead of me being here directly the living expression of and as MOTIVATION as SELF HERE.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be tired and wanting something to energize me up from this state of tiredness because within that I don't move, I can't move, I am not movement because there is no motivation and not realizing that thus who I define myself to be as movement is of conditions, not direct, not consistent, not self-honest, in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself tiredness as lack of energy as the reason and justification for not moving and to use it for myself or to others as 'that is why I do/did/won't act, because I am tired, exhausted' meanwhile I do not motivate myself in fact about that and using tiredness as separated energetic experience as excuse for not take responsibility for what I decide and what I act as equal as one as myself here in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can motivate myself to walk out from the mind to not need energy, to not need to beat tiredness, to not need to have conflict within me to have friction and tension and by that energizing my mind up to then being stimulated to move within and as me and perceiving that as myself and thus believing that what I mind tell me, make me feel is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the original tiredness I experience when I do not have motivation is who I allowed myself to be manifested in my mind as the layers of self-separation, the consent given to systematic personality behaviors, personalities to automatically judge and define, react and energize or stop energizing me and thus direct my life and defining it as who I am and defining this mechanism as life and accepting it within me and others without stopping and questioning and considering the solution as it would be stop reacting, stop being motivated by separate definition from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stimulated when I am able to get camera gear because of the energetic experience of excitement, of hope of I will be able to do things I could not before and as imagining myself doing what I plan/desire/hope for with this gear - already having this energy within me and allowing me to influence me to motivate me to go and get the gear and in moments not considering reality/priorities/common sense, just allowing this feeling to overwhelm me and not seeing/realizing/understanding that I can plan and consider all factors here and still manage to get the gear but with this energetic excitement it feels more interesting, I feel more alive and not realizing that these are feelings, not direct self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to unconsciously be driven and influenced by feelings, feeling positive, while disregarding what is here, breath, principle, reality for moments, minutes while 'flying' in my mind and not seeing how it is of self-interest which is not self-direction, thus accumulating consequence of being programmed to automatize myself based on feelings, even when it is not practical, best for me and all equally, because reacting to feelings, what are coming up automatically, as trusting feelings, as revealing not trusting myself directly here as breath, as presence, as self unified.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can motivate myself with principled living to walk through and beyond my mind, definitions, reactions and bring myself to a physical birth to be here in all moments equally and live this principle to what would be the practical action for what is best for all and to motivate myself to let go self-interest, energy, but accumulate stability, consistency by always stopping myself to be automatically excited, driven, influenced and see the starting point, explore the reason of fear from living self directly here and forgiving it as myself immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what motivates me and automatically react with positive feelings/excitement/hope/energy and not seeing/realizing/understanding the reason in the first place for that motivation to give permission to move within and as me.

That's all around tiredness from a perspective of motivation for today, will be continued with further self-forgiveness and of motivation!

Thank you very much

Saturday, September 13, 2014

[JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2

Continuing on the decomposing of the mind-states of tiredness...
For starter: If one wants to be free of excessive tiredness and sleep-deprivation experiences, I suggest to read aloud the following Self-forgiveness statements for realizations about tiredness:
What can be difficult to realize that tiredness is just an idea in the mind - yet there is a point when the body needs to rest, that is another kind - this tiredness is coming from the mind - and that tiredness is not related to physical, it is layered into and as the personality of the mind, the thought patterns, the energetic dynamics of consciousness systems of what one is accepting self to exist within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to tiredness, as tiredness, as 'I am tired' and meaning it as in and as my mind feel this experience of not having enough energy, feeling lack of energy, feeling difficult to focus, remain present, effective, directive and defining it as a trigger point for getting energy, getting energized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a dictionary in my mind ready to be triggered about the categories, experiences, situations in regarding to tiredness and whenever having the thought of 'I am tired' - automatically believing it as truth, reality, fact and not being aware that it is just a thought, a self-definition sentence with the word tiredness, and if I use it as how I am, I am becoming my thought without questioning it with 'Am I really tired or just I defined myself to be tired and then believed in it and then feeling as tired and thus then becoming tired?'.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tiredness I define myself to be can also be accumulation of self-judgement for self-acceptance for instance 'I am being tired of this shit' - indicating that I accept something what I do not prefer yet not doing anything about it and that to acknowledge, accept as well also making me tired - in fact being tired of who I accept myself to be as not acting, accepting yet judging, reacting, as if I were not responsible for what is in my reality, as who I experience myself to be in regards to being tired of something, meaning tired of my own dishonesty to accept towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define many things as making me tired and having memories, references about what exactly makes me tired in what amount of time and regardless of physical, mental tiredness in fact - when the rule is being triggered, the thoughts of tiredness, the symptoms, the lack of energy as tiredness would come up and I would accept it unconditionally, because who I've defined myself to be is the personality,memory,word-matrix in my mind what is already programmed to react with specific energetic or lack of energetic experiences and that I've given permission to influence, direct who I am within my physical, mental beingness.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that when I am not present, because being busy thinking in my mind, daydreaming, visualizing without being present, not being aware of my human physical body, when reacting with emotions, feelings, when focusing to the energetic waves, movements, flows in and as my body, while I am not breathing effectively with and as my human physical body, but suppressing the full abdominal breathing with a less deep, shallow breathing - I am not allowing my body to be effective, thus that actually can result within tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be present to a degree in and as my human physical body to see/realize/understand what physical poses, actions I do while thinking/daydreaming/automatically behaving while being in and as the mind as starting point, which actions make my human physical body becoming tired without me being aware of it, because I am not IN AND AS the body, just about, around, and over my body as consciousness, which I thought previously as cool and never realizing the fact that it is self-separation, self-dishonesty, self-limitation, because the body is who I really am, the body is the source of my beingness and the body is the real, physical me only, thus perceiving myself separate/part of it actually I am deliberately dis-empowering myself from being here.

I forgive myself that I have not understood how exactly dis-empowering myself when separating myself from my human physical body with believing I am of mind, of consciousness and who I perceive myself to be is this spirit, soul, thinking, feeling, emotionally reacting being, meanwhile as never investigated really, fully, self-honestly the facts here, not being aware of that all of my mind/consciousness energy is coming from the human physical body and thus being dependent on the body, being a leech of the body and if I define myself as dependent on my body, I identify myself with consciousness, I am separate from the body, I am separate from my only real part in this existence with the mind's operation, which is also in fact physical, thus who I perceive myself to be is totally separated and thus powerless from here simply because of always needing energy to move, always in polarities, while the physical body is simply living here.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that in my mind I can only be tired because of lack of energy as the mind, the consciousness, the self-delusion of who I am meanwhile when the body is exhausted, it can eat and drink and rest and will be rested, while the mind always needs energy, of positive and negative, to judge, to create energy, friction, conflict, which in fact comes from the human physical body and thus in fact when I am being energized to not being tired in the mind, it is always taking from the body to the mind consciousness system who I've allowed myself to identify myself with.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that tiredness is just an idea/belief in my mind of the mind, and if I identify myself with it, then I am becoming it, as it is just the sign of the mind consciousness to say 'I need energy otherwise I can't operate' which with I've identified myself with because it is the system always telling me who I am, what I am, what I must do, who I must be, what is going on and what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and within all this not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is all for not directly experience and be in real reality, because then I would be aware of all the consequences I've accumulated since my participation within existence and within that realizing the responsibility for what I accepted and allowed to manifest in this world wherein separation, abuse, neglect, destruction and extermination is constantly happening because I've defined myself as not enough to stand up for being able to change myself, change the world, but rather defining tiredness as who I am and by experiencing that feeling and behaving as not powerful enough to stop myself, the world of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within accepting myself as being the puppet of the layers of unconscious/subconscious/conscious mind manifestations in fact why I am experiencing tiredness already and also by accepting the patterns/programs/thoughts/feelings/emotions appearing within me what I take attention to, focus to, react to, listen to, to a degree of physical action by believing this is who I am and this is what I must do - and when tiredness is kicking in - using these layers of the mind to come up with something to react to, to have a friction about with the polarity judgements to generate energy with that conflict to use that energy, positive or negative or neutral to rejuvenate the mind to make it powerful enough to keep up with the constant self-image and reality-likeness delusion to perceive as reality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and never actually really applied the fact that when I am breathing here, nothing of thoughts, feelings, emotions, just breathing here - this is who I am, that is who I can ever be and that is the most I can have in terms of being here, and if I skip a breath with following any thoughts instead - or 'slicing up' inner silence with the thoughts listening to as 'I am tired' - it is not really who I am, it is the consciousness mind system is talking and I, as an inner silent breathing physical being identifying myself with this, thus giving permission to have it's limitation, imprisonment, enslavement as well with the self-identification of energy, tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the solution to let all thoughts go and instead of 'think who I am' - actually learn to 'know who I am' and live that realization as the 'Living words' and liberating myself from the mind consciousness system breath by breath until it is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware here in and as my physical body experience, expression to see that actually the mind is only fast, faster than I can follow, when I am disregarding my breath here, my inner silence here, even with this 'inner silence' expression indicating that there is something what is talking, noising, which is in fact not directly me, but as a reflection, a mirror-mechanism, a tool which is equal and one reflecting back to me constantly what it is what I am accepting and allowing myself to be equal and one with and as - thoughts, judgements, point of self-dishonesty manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions wherein the separation I perceive and act according to in the starting point of fear - fear of change, fear of loss, fear of fear, fear of self.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I experience tiredness - there is a friction within my mind - and that friction creates energy which creates the experience of tiredness which is not real, and if I participate within it, I am also not real in terms of starting point, deluding myself, acting according to this delusion, I am manifesting real consequences with this delusion.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I define tiredness in any way whatsoever, I am creating the experience of tiredness, I am limiting myself to be programmed by myself and when having that experience, believing it as real, thus here as: tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically boost myself with specific drinks/foods/substances to beat tiredness by defining what it is with I am being less tired, what it is what gives me energy and not realizing what I accept and allow and what I participate within my mind and realizing that how adds into the idea and experience of tiredness and actually stop that, preventing myself to react and think, and self-define myself the same way over and over and over again by investigating, knowing, learning myself when and how exactly, specifically I would go into the think/self-define/react with tiredness and breathe without inner movement, act, remain here in the physical and re-align myself with constant presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an excuse of not transcending tiredness in the mind with thinking that 'tiredness is physical, everybody becomes tired, it is normal, after lot of work, tiredness is inevitable'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the body only requires resting only for maximum of 6 hours and beyond that the mind consciousness system is rejuvenating, not necessary and any reaction to this point is of the mind, which is of excuse and justification for escape from reality - because of the experience of sleeping more than 6 hours or the perceived tiredness in the mind to manipulate with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of when I am acting in and as the mind, as the starting point of the mind as survive, fight, strive, separated from my body, reality here and not realize/understand/see that who I really am is simplicity - in and as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop participate in the mind when I lose physical awareness, presence, principle, responsibility, direction, self-expression here because of:
  • what I just did was enough to get/feel tired of
  • what I actually do/experience I am within is exhausting
  • I slept long time ago thus I must be tired anyway
  • I did not eat/drink since a while thus I must be tired
and within these experiences/expressions not seeing/realizing/understanding that actually thinking/reacting to/judging/defining myself according to tiredness is only existing within my mind and actually are excuses and justifications to leave reality/presence here into my virtual space mind wherein I can think, apparently freely, apparently free of tiredness about anything and by reacting to that figuring out/deciding what to do with this self-accepted mind-state of tiredness, instead of knowing myself to a degree that no need to fall back into the mind but act directly here, immediately, physically, thus if I need to break/rest/replenish, then I simply do, live, act, move.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I listen to thoughts, to feelings, emotions and react to those, give attention to - I am giving permission to the consent of I am unable to be directly here always unconditionally, because at certain conditions - I need stimulation to influence/tell/direct me what to do - in this scenario - about the idea and definition of tiredness and exhaustion.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the present opportunity, simplicity, direct availability of just be - without thoughts, feelings, emotions - without fear, desire and rules, reactions, definitions to handle my expression and to be able to deal with physical/mental fatigue, exhaustion as simple as it is, being, living simplicity as who I can be here directly, undefined, breath by breath as the decision and the expression of absolute self-trust.

As currently having a flu - I face this point - regardless of sleeping and resting - I can have this exhaustion and lack of energy and within this I am realizing a lot, what with this will be continued within the next post...

Monday, September 8, 2014

[JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1

Perfecting my application - as I am becoming more busy - I appreciate my effective resting to support expanding life awareness to step out of the mind and live directly here in and as the physical, one breath at a time. I see some points what are of judgements, thus I walk through within effective/self-honest writing to prepare myself to stop and change.

There is the state when I feel tired - mostly it is not a physical body experience but a dullness, a bit distanced and slower, more reactive and less directive I am.

My breathing becomes less profound/effective and becomes heavy; it's like I have to intentionally push through each breath one by one in order to remain here and this effort feels like just making me more tired.

That experience is mostly 'solvable' with a quick rest/relaxation/sleep, also many times with taking a refreshment, air or just walk around some.

I have the ability to take short naps, mostly whenever I decide and I can - not as I use this often, mostly daily 1-2, sometimes 3 times and if I am very busy, dealing with new things, being busy with others, then I don't do that, just after a while when I realize I feel tired and I need to rest for a while.

During the day, a siesta/nap is really supporting - not even need for sleeping, just to stop the busy mind for a while and just simply be, return to here.

Many times I realize it is enough to lose 'consciousness' for a moment to refresh - like in my mind I become heavy and when I lose my mind (in a 'cool' way, losing it's heaviness) so to speak and I wake up I am here again.

Also I notice that as I go deeper it's like there is still thinking but in the background, feels like a dream state - wherein I am not really present, not hearing/seeing these thoughts/images, but I am kind of aware that these are moving. Sometimes I wake up from this instantly during these naps and mostly I state that this was enough.

Since long years I remember that I enjoy short rests/relaxations/naps. I enjoy doing short but intense bursts of expressions and then really, even absolutely stop for a moment.

I've started to realize that I have this undefined ability to let go my busy mind and for that simply rest, lay down for a moment and when my mind is gone, I just wake up and act again. This is sort of a habit I've formed also, I will walk through with Self-forgiveness within detail after this introductory.

What supports to return to 'normal' for me - and it's also cool for the body - rhythm is physical work and spending time in nature - because then I am more in the body than in the mind and that is mostly enough. I am grateful that how my sleeping and resting rhythm is, but I see it can be more specific, supportive, perfect - to support more presence, inner silence, consistency and health.

I sometimes do not give myself(as body) the necessary physical activity/work/intensity with the judgement of 'not having enough time', 'it is not that important', which I am committing myself to change within realizing that self-honesty is not about the constant to-do-list execution but with remaining present/consistent within all situations and this can be self-directed in each moments equally regardless of where I am or what I do.

Even if I walk, I can listen to EQAFE, I can record my audio, and after all - I can be here in each breath equally. It is a decision to make and make it happen however within self-honesty it is not a choice - so let's stop the judgmental mind.

That is so cool to realize that there is no such thing as impatience once I am becoming comfortable breathing and accepting myself here.

And within that - realizing when I feel tired - I feel like I am unable to find this 'normal' state of being here as patient yet directive presence because of the feel of lack of energy, feel of being pulled down by tiredness and I see reactions coming up in my mind and I am losing presence. That is the time to realize: rest/refreshment and return to presence is required.

STILL - there is this point where I have the tendency to fight - fight the tiredness, the lack of energy, the dullness, the lack of focus.

Because for fight, I have to create friction and within friction energy is being created and by that energy I am re-animated again, re-fueled.

If my breath feels heavy, I push more and I just don't question, because I am in the program of fighting through the heaviness, the resistance. This seems like a good, normal thing to accept but I don't.

I've realized that this fight, this resistance is not the solution but a countermeasure for a symptom, not for the source of the problem, which is originally that I've taken refugee within the mind, as the starting point, as the source, as the tool for perception, movement and experience and this takes soooo many energy to upkeep, maintain, reinforce all the time with: friction.

The constant friction within the mind is being rejuvenated with the endless battle of good and bad, light and dark, positive and negative, the very judgements within myself toward the world, toward myself, within and as my mind, my human physical body is what creates this friction, this constant energetic tension which is being channeled from the body into the mind wherein the mind is alive and the body is getting more and more rigid, tired and old to eventually wither up and die.

This is not normal, anyone thinks that it is very alright has been entirely brainwashed, - come on, why most of the old people look like grumpy and becoming this grotesque cartoonish physical wreck before die?

Because the mind sucks up all the physical life force energy converting into consciousness light juice with which all the perceptions/judgements/opinions/memories/reactions/thoughts/feelings/emotions are being replayed all over again until the total conviction of this is alright and we are living while in fact this is just a cosmic joke as we believe this actually what life is.

I really mean this, and takes courage, integrity and self-trust to dare to shout out this and actually investigate, but come on, consider the fact that we actually disappear when we fall asleep and we do reborn again and all the things we had yesterday come back as memory, as habits, as personality and there not a single morning waking up process wherein we actually stop for a moment and really question that 'what is going on and what I am doing and why and who I am?'.

Maybe because of my ability to rest myself in this efficient way that at times with I can snap out of the consciousness to a degree that I can realize this judgmental state is not satisfying me - not because I do not have a beautiful/smart/loyal/great/loving woman and also a tons of money/respect/fame/power/abilities/artistic veins/extra good sport abilities or nothing fucking special - none of this would really satisfy me if I would still create and react to the same frictions in my mind all over in each day.

This point is crucial within my process to see/realize/understand that real inner peace is only here when there is no conflict existing within me, which, if we really push to practical realizations can recognize that the undefined/resting/unified mind with the embracing/expressing/directive self-movement at the same time is the only way for the silence.

It is clear for me since more than a dozen years - just the methods and starting point I was unable to grasp before the Desteni principles/tools.

Because in order to equalize, quiet, stop my mind, I have to really know myself, who is behind this mind, who the being within all of this already manifested personality/habit/perceived self and by knowing myself I can understand how and why I formed who I am and I am able to stop the cycles and stop the same thoughts, the same desires, the same fears, which is not just meditation, but actual real self-correction within physical change. Every day being the same person, having the same feelings, thoughts, emotions - is like a space-suit we take in each morning and to understand why - we must go into the specific details - why I behave exactly the same way to specific triggers, evens, circumstances? Is it really the best for me? And others as well?

The movie called Groundhog's day is not a joke, we are our own manifested joke here wherein not seeing/realizing/understanding that we never really wake up from the sleep, only the consciousness programs do and if we become tired as the consciousness and go to rest because of refreshing that - we will never be able to rest in real peace within ourselves, no matter how much sleep we do.

So the solution is obviously that to stop the conflict within, stop the friction, stop the judgements, eventually start to learn how we actually behave, operate, react and act in our daily participation within our so-called life and be able to stop the constant battle of positive and negative by stopping the judgements, one by one, breath by breath and thus that is stopping the apparently infinite great battle of good and evil, the constant friction of positive and negative, the endless war of consciousness over it's own survival which in fact creates physical consequences, manifests our karma of facing the consequence of our actions, because one thing is very certain: we are always responsible for each and every single action we take, even for the ones we do not take.

So this is what I have realized from the point of resisting to rest the mind within and falling into it's temptation of wanting to create friction/conflict to have energy, which will make me feel more tired and thus ending up creating more friction/conflict to have more energy in the delusion of tiredness, the illusion of living, the dishonesty of life.

While the very solution is right here.

To see what we actually do and ask why.

The very friction we create with that we stop and see what is driving ups to do it repeat the same: ask, see, stop until there is nothing what moves self and then self is here without friction, without conflict, without judgement.

That is the real waking up from sleep and there are tools for that, which can be learned, lived and there are already people who are walking this path and there is nothing to fear within realizing that no religious/spiritual/philosophical truth existing in this world as those are all part of the same consciousness friction mechanism - even only a singular point of inner judgement/friction/polarity/definition is enough to fall into the mind with a reason and with real compass of Self-honesty it can be recognized, forgiven, stopped.

Reflecting this back to my very own self-accepted behavior when I believe that when I have a resistance for simply being here without conflict/friction/judgement that I have to fight that with the same way, meanwhile not seeing/realizing/understanding that all I have to do is to stop creating that resistance, stop fighting for my own limitation, to step one step back and see what with I actually create that resistance for being just here, breathing, allowing myself to trust my direct presence; - I commit myself to stop being a prey of my mind/energy patterns and stop giving into the experience and feel of tiredness while recognizing that what moments and why I missed here and still trusting the judgements instead of direct physical self here and forgive that unconditionally.

In the meantime I will listen these interviews, which I suggest others as well:
I will continue with specific patterns to walk through with Self-forgiveness/Self-correction/Self-commitment to assist and support myself to practically change with self-direction within principle.