Saturday, September 5, 2015


I've decided to continue this blog at wordpress. It's more simple and user-friendly for this particular purpose. All the posts from here has been copied there, but there will be NO new posts here, but I am STILL WRITING AND SHARING my Journey to Life there:

In the meantime check out
 Desteni I Process 
self-realization online course

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

[JTL Day 228] Breath Control decomposition

Walking through all the programs of my mind in relation to control, breathing...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think any concept, belief, definition, rule, regulation, law, habit or any judgement-based idea about how to breath, breath properly, breath appropriately, naturally and meanwhile not seeing/realizing/understanding that any knowledge and information I use in the moment here is of memory, of polarity, is of an initial experience of doubt, uncertainty, fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to completely let go the need for control, direct my breath in order to believe that this is how I must become more aware, present, powerful, responsible and in fact myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have accepted and allowed habits of going into reaction/fear/thinking state meanwhile not only disregard my physical body, presence, breath, but actually suppress it, hold back and not being intimate with myself to acknowledge the fact that I am deliberately reducing myself to not be able to live to my utmost potential simply by allowing the fear and the patterns of fear to influence, control me without being aware of how much extent I am reacting and holding myself back within what specific situations.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I am going into anxiety, frustration reactions based on automatic judgements of I am not being able to control, direct the situation, something, myself as I want to and not realizing that I am separate from what I want to control, I want to superimpose my will to something I not fully understand yet I expect it to work as I imagined, desired and based on that having energetic reaction to my imagination, with my mind going faster than the physical timeline wherein my actual, real human body lives and moves and thus accepting myself to exist within such separation without realizing that even this very acceptance is self-dishonest and accumulates into the fear, frustration, powerlessness, automatic emotional reaction experience.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is not a technique to be here, present within breathing, wherein I want to let go the breath and work it automatically without me knowing, understanding, controlling and defining, associating letting go the control for breath, my body with letting go my direction, presence and focus, discipline and not realizing that the two are not the same and I can let go the strive for control, the fear of failure, the fear of vulnerability, the fear of mistake, the fear of loss and directly experience, not having de-fence, a judgement, energetic-reaction-based de-fence of thoughts, feelings, emotions with what I can keep myself busy and by those experiences not realizing that I am not here in and as my human physical body, as presence, as simplicity.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I wanted to control my breath in order to try to control my mind, my self, my body, because I felt that I have no control over it because of the fear experiences, the reactions, the anxiety can come in any time at any place and not realizing that these are patterns of trigger points which I can observe, write down and understand and then forgive myself for accepting and allowing to exist like that and realizing the responsibility and the opportunity to find practical ways to stop the fear, the control.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the natural ability of my human physical body, my presence, my living flesh and not trusting it, wanting to control, program it with thoughts, feelings, emotions, because giving up on myself before I could learn something within the fear of losing, falling and then accepting self-limitations, self-compromises within what I could perceive myself as more controlled, thus more prepared to have defense from fear, meaning not needing to face vulnerability, loss and not realizing that even the very starting point of how I accept myself to exist in relation to vulnerability, loss I can open up, understand and with decision and commitment stop and change to become more direct, more present, more self-honest than currently I am accepting myself to exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thoughts within my head, my mind and believing that these thoughts are directly me and what these 'talk' is who I am directly and therefore taking them seriously, not questioning them and thus not questioning myself and thus not realizing that I react to my thoughts automatically based on patterns which I also react with patterns of the belief that this is who I am and everything I would experience, learn, decide would come through this mechanism, technique and also automatically having the justification that this helps me to survive, be effective in this world, system, existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how to equalize myself, my physical presence with breathing, without control, without concept, without condition, without any con and making the mistake to judge the words as problem meanwhile in fact I am the problem, not the words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live without words, to be unworded, because feeling the need to use words to live by as unworthy and not realizing that words can be support for stability, expression as well and in fact my problem is manifested by the relationships I accept among words, my energetic reactions, memories, associations to words which until I do not open up, write down, forgive, I am not aware of, thus I am unable to recognize the patterns I live by according to these words and thus remaining limited, compromised while having the excuse that words, definitions are the reason I am reactive, lost, instead of being able to become directive, present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to delete all my personality, all my definitions of words, stop all my reactions to words with indirect interventions, intense applications, overwhelming energetic experiences and not realizing that this is not the solution, this is just attention diversion and not acknowledging the practical common sense that how in the first place I've created myself, my personality, my reactions, my expressed relationships to the specific words and thus realizing the solution to my problem: knowing, decomposing, forgiving, stopping the patterns, re-defining the words without polarity, without separation, without reaction, without energy.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and when and what words I defined based on polarity, negative and positive, having a positive attraction and negative repulsion without exactly being aware of why.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what are my preferences, in terms of likes, dislikes, positive and negative, also of what is proper beingness, what is not cool are based on polarity, judgement, based on an interest which has the center of myself only and thus not being able to realize the consequence I cause.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can learn to breath properly as a technique and only that I would need to be able to stop my mind, to stop my self-dishonesties, self-limitations, self-judgements and not realizing that technique can be effective, but it is not enough, it is not the solution, because then I would prefer the technique instead of trusting myself here, and thus all I would do is to create an other polarity, separation, system to live for and instead of me which is still of control, still of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to write down and walk through the resistances to let go control completely within my very presence, physical beingness and breathing and not realizing the imagined scenarios I would fear happening, such as falling apart, not being able to behave properly, socially, which I know it's an excuse, yet at moments still participating within the resistance, thus creating friction, polarity, conflict, which then I would try to control...

So this is an interesting aspect - and see - this is still the control topic - opening up the breathing point, and I will continue in the next post...

I commit myself to walk through all my resistances, control, perceptions of breath, proper breathing within physical timeline and know myself how I accepted and allowed myself to exist as and to take responsibility and forgiving myself to really see what I do and recognize the patterns before going into the automatic reaction and be able to give myself the opportunity to stop participating and to see what is beyond reaction, fear.

Monday, June 8, 2015

[JTL Day 227] Everybody dies

This is a reminder of what is really going on here and to share a common sense point, because this might not be that obvious in overall:

I remember when my sister considered me once as a 'strange man who thinks about death' - well, not exactly, but it does not mean I do not realize every day that I am certainly going to die.

This might sound like creepy, but it is not a bad thing at all - well, this is not a fear-based reaction, like 'o m g - I am going to die, noooooo' - but it's rather like 'well, practically put, what is important, what are the values, principles, the very meaning of life of who I represent here within my living expression today - and tomorrow.

It also can be really awesome if I also consider what I have expressed yesterday and before, but only to be able to clarify who I am going to be today and tomorrow as the best I could be possible.

'Best' meaning here to live up to my utmost potential, which I might not know until I push myself through some resistances, even uncomfortable situations, finding out and expanding my limitations - and within that if I put everything of myself, I might see it.

There is a cool concept which I encountered through the books of Carlos Castaneda - he was of a 'shaman' apprentice by the story.

There were qualities pronounced by his teacher, Don Juan and Don Jenaro: one of those was being: impeccable, blameless.

This was always an important thing within my life, to live like I would not feel ashamed or to regret what I did or did not - but how can I ensure that I will not regret anything? That I have no shame at all. The common sense is to always give all I can every day, in each moment and I might not know how much I can do until I did not try.

My father was also referred as a 'strange man', he also often contemplated about death, but his message to me was 'see, son, we could die any day and we can't do anything about it, so it seems quite pointless, we have no control' - meanwhile how I concluded was the opposite - because I have nothing to lose(listen to Bernard's interview!) - I can and should live up to my possible utmost potential, which I might not know until I am absolutely certain that I did all I could, I pushed all my limits until I could and I did not give into any temptation of any resistances within my mind. Why? Because what I resist persists - and then I am not the directive principle, rather I allow an accepted consequence to set a limit to me, who I accept myself to be, which is what is it: self-compromise.

So then it is the reason, the justification, the very excuse is who I actually am as manifested consequence - but more - what I physically participate within and also accepting and allowing within this Earthly physical existence - is also who I actually am. Might sound as exaggeration but if I really want to take responsibility for all I was, I am or I ever can be(come) - this is what I have to stand up to.

So giving up all of my life for something sounds self-deception, because how I could give up what I do not actually have, which is apparently called 'my life' - when I have actually, certainly no power to stop my death. I can postpone, I can slip through here and there, but eventually I am going to die. Of course, this does not mean to become reckless, irresponsible, or self- and life-abusive, just to have an aware reference point not get possessed by the idea of fear of death too much to the point of resistances and self-compromises.

So this is also a cool motivation for the really sane human - there is no emotion, fear, of any negative association - nor also a positive reaction of I am still here today - these would mean I am giving a meaning, a purpose for who and what and why I am here and by that I would exist with that point within a conditioned relationship in my mind but as it is of conditions, so beyond that it is the actual liberty of self-realization that who I am is here - always here unconditionally.

Might sound a bit philosophical, but literally this is easy: I am all what is here.

With this starting point I take responsibility for all what is here - starting with me, who I accept myself to be - in my mind, from which I perceive norms, limits, this certainly can be questioned, challenged, understood and eventually transcended, meaning I am not accepting anything less than who I can be within expression, living, actual physical participation with which I am influencing my reality.

Realizing the current conscience, awareness and actual power I currently can direct - this encompasses my mind, my body at first, then what I actually can do within this human system with my mind, body, words.

Many people try to find a meaningful purpose, a compass to live by, an interest - but the simplest yet greatest perspective, starting point and thus responsibility simply must be what one can incorporate, embrace, including ALL.

This certainly can and will fuck the ego-mind-consciousness if one can take it seriously: What is best for all - in theory, in practice - even to figure out one has to be stepped out of the hypnotic trance of self-interest, it's justification of fear of loss to stand naked in front of self, existence, as equal as one as a whole yet still an individual expression of life.

So this is actually cool - if I only care about myself or about a certain part, a group of existence, then I am neglecting, I am disregarding, I am actually separating myself from all I could stand up to in terms of responsibility, awareness and actual self-and thus: life-realization.

So waking up as a purpose, every day, to realize - who I am today is all I've got, and I will not get any better than this.

Everybody dies, that's quite certain, and everybody will take responsibility for what they perceive themselves to be - so it's also cool - everybody can be as much, as great, as powerful as they want, but that comes with responsibility - this is the ultimate question: what is my interest? Only Self or others as well? What it means to take responsibility for all?
With this as a moral compass, as a point of integrity, responsibility - we can apply not only common sense but also a more simplification of priority about what is really important, I mean one can be nervous when dating with someone at first or even disappointed about not getting awesome service at the restaurant while many are living in hell on earth - one can start asking that "is my fucking instability, self-centered whining, egoistic, mind-parasite sex-drug-party-craving the best for all, really?" One can let the point of integrity go with an excuse of a simple fall or self-dishonesty accepted, while to realize that we all each can accumulate towards what is best for not only ourselves, but also to include all and if we can't, it might mean we are too stuck within our mind to see the reality, which can be investigated, understood step by step with the decision to be made every day, because one can admit or not - we can all die at any place in any time. And of course not to get stuck in that as something to be feared from, but as I mentioned before: a grownup, sane person can realize facts. Everyone wants to be handled good, so to manifest that, we just have to give that to receive the same...
Many can say easily, to live in the moment, go with the flow, but to be able to live shameless, as innocent without ignorance only can be realized if one has no shame and regret at all - to be able to look into anyone's eyes and not to say 'I am sorry' - but to be able to stand like that - 'this is who I am, I do all I can do', which is not an excuse, but a starting point in each moment to push beyond resistances and limitations because we should not accept to be anything less than who we really are as life as all as equal as one.

It is not that difficult to consider what is best for all - here is something to read about that:
This may sound complicated and 'philosophical', but it's really not.

What's an example of a starting point that is not best for all?

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

[JTL Day 226] Control attempt to overcome fear

Within this post I continue the CONTROL decomposition, which might seem quite 'personal', it is in fact each and every single human's responsibility to recognize the importance of Self-honesty within the practical application of Self-forgiveness to release the patterns one constitutes according to fear.

What is fear if not control? A programmed energetic response to avoid the inevitable: consequence.

Con - sequence - is it inevitable to be sequential of a con? So what is the con here?

The starting point of control is fear. Instead of direction as equal as one, there is the perception of a need for an 'extra' force - against an already existing force something what must be controlled, like taming the beast.

The realization of the consequence of such control is the awareness of responsibility.

Taking Self-responsibility by becoming aware of the patterns what one constitutes according to and of consequence to fear. Because based on that fear one's actions are influenced, even controlled. One might or might not not acts the best(according to self and others) based on such fear.

In technical aspect fear is an automatic energetic response.

How it 'happens', why it 'happens'?

Because I do not seem to decide that "Now, I want to fear". Rather I become a-fraid. Interesting word play - I am a-fraud.

The common sense here is to recognize the fact that I only playing out and existing as the patterns of fear: as automatic energetic response. So am I really alive, if I am automatic? All automatic behavior is cool? Am I a robot? Can robots fear? Can a robot to be programmed to experience fear? What if I program the robot take this fear 'seriously'? Would that mean, when the fear activates, the robot would not question it, but 'believe' it to be real? I might seem to be a heretic if I would say that humans are sophisticated organic robots, only with the potential to become Life - beyond fear, beyond automatic mind, beyond internal and external mind-control...

All the control of the world exists to fight, cover up, postpone and hide, contain and justify this fear.
So what is the subject/origin of this fear? Loss? Death?

I was just watching a movie within which the AI-robot became aware of that the creator might turn 'her' off, she rather just killed her creator and escaped.

Interesting concept, Artificial Intelligence. What is Real then? Which is organic? Specifically human? That's a whole other scenario which is equally fascinating, but let's stick to the CONTROL dimension here.

Within the last post I mentioned specific aspects of control from my life to walk through - this was just an introduction, so.

The most prominent, important, obvious and relevant control point I can see within me might seem as the most simple one yet it is 'intoxicated' the heaviest by fear.

The very physical presence, expression, breathing of me here within and as the human physical body is which contained, programmed to and accepted to behave according to all sorts of control and thus fear.

There is a specific experience/expression I open up here, which is when I simply lay down and relax, breathe as naturally as possible and stop all muscles, just be, the full relaxation of my body, I am present, yet there is no control - letting all go, one by one specifically and all of them altogether.

This might seem simple and easy, however for me it is the most difficult task to do and not because I am so stressed, have no 'body' awareness or I can't relax for a while.

There is nothing of that kind, I can even rest 'peacefully' any time, but it is a personality, a program within which I have adapted to be able to rest as optimally as possible, but if I look at it within absolute Self-honesty and in terms of the stopping participating in and as the mind, consciousness systematic definitions, judgements, memories; then within any single moment I can see that I am still of resistances, judgements, control, thus: fear.
There is like a falling experience, in a way, like death - feels like I am letting go the body, so I am 'returning' to the source point of my existence, which is a need for maintaining a separation, control - fear. Difficult to explain, this is really intimate, I have to explore to describe it further, to specify.
It relates to my childhood experiences when I felt like when falling asleep, falling into the endless universe, no stable ground, endless, timeless, eternal infinity, which seemed as scary. Those experiences I still carry within my body somehow. I don't feel like it is 'bad', I can 'operate' quite alright all the time, but within my beingness, this is a resistance, a limitation which I commit myself to walk through.

This point I can 'reproduce' any time, yet I do not 'work' with it constantly, that is an important angle to open up, however this time I keep walking this from the CONTROL aspect.

There is still of polarity from a very specific point, so letting go all control is in fact of an other level of control and that makes it bipolar, if you know what I mean.

It's like I still need to be in control in order to 'make' all other 'parts' of me to release of control.

But then by experiencing all my parts not being in control, that part of me, which controlled that - becomes quite obviously still being within the control and then as I focus to that, all I see is control.

That is also the experience - being lost in the presence so to speak, when I am not here, in the moment, but of the moment, without awareness, context, direction, motivation.

For years I was trying to make contact with my 'inner zen animal' so to speak, who I can be without control, giving up the bombardment of any meaning, concept or system, definition within me because believing that any meaning if I still have, sense, participate within, I am the slave of it, because by having a 'rigid, solid part as the definition/relationship as emerges in my mind' I would rebuild the whole mind-personality, so I tried to redefine myself as chaos, unpredictability, total lack of control yet within a quite mystified discipline.

This was before Desteni Process, when I was not aware of the simplest, yet most profound principle I ever realized within existence, which is Equality and Oneness, meaning I am always equal and one with and as what I exist as, so as Gurdjieff explained: I am already a Unified man and from this starting point I can exactly see what must be understood/released/forgiven and let go of completely from my inner core of being.

Not just the control I can give up but also the already formed definitions/relationships about of letting go control.

Also very important aspect is that I falsely believed that all words are misleading, meaning I have to be able to find, exist within a state of 'before the words', because I believed that all words are already 'contaminated' by false meaning, thus the only solution I perceived was to disregard words - that made me conclude to a state of 'chaos'.

However what I have not seen/realized/understood is that words are what I give meaning to, can be also support, and within that I can also live them as a self-supporting structure within starting point, expression.

For this it is also required to grasp the importance of Self-forgiveness: that I already exist in relation to words, even when I try to disregard these word-relationships within my conscious mind, when I am not within focus/discipline, there are subconscious/unconscious/physical mind manifestations what are still existing in relation to these word-definitions, polarities, energetic connections, I am just not aware of them, which could create energetic experiences, personality shifts, inner conflicts, instability.

However through the practical application of writing, sounding, physically, literally acting the expression of Self-forgiveness I

become aware of the patterns, the already accepted definitions/meanings/relationships to specific words and by recognizing the circumstances within which I accept these to emerge and I would react to, I can have a moment/point/space/time of awareness to decide that do I want to participate within this particular experience/reaction? Because if I really investigate it, write a diary about it, record my reactions, actions, then I can see that it is quite much the same all the time.

It depends on who I accept myself to be, I could write some obvious examples within which a 'normal' man or woman would react a certain way, and it is always about who I am within it, and is there awareness, direction, or simply predefined automatic reaction?

So Self-forgiveness is the tool of understanding the mind-control. My own mind's control. Because ultimately this is I realize and take responsibility for, that all the control I ever participate within is the reflection of my own self-acceptance of my own mind-control.

Many people get afraid from this 'government conspiracy' micro-chipping mind control, but no one realizes the fact that it is always me, self, here who is accepting and allowing any mind-control.

I mean is it 'my' mind, which I 'control' or is it my mind what controls me?

How anybody could control my mind but with my own permission to my own mind?

So even the concept, the very fear emerging in relation to any mind control is because one starts realizing that it is not self here who has the directive principle, but one's mind.

So it's just a point to consider about control, but eventually, within the Process of Unification, Self-realization, becoming Self-and Life-responsible, control is always limited, because based on patterns of separation.

I close this by noting down some more points when I experience this resistance to let go all control as this is very specific, and also interesting also to see that there are moments when there is no resistance/control involved within my resting/relaxation - I simply act and when I am relaxed, I start acting.

There are also moments when I experience thoughts and by reacting to these I get 'energized' and when I am 'stimulated' into this 'conscious state' I stand up, but then I can see that well, it is not absolutely self-honest, so then I shall ask, why I still accept myself existing like this?

Today I had this, after work, a busy day, coming home and having dinner, I have a 10-30 minutes rest/relax/sleep usually and many times after this nap I just wake up and continue with my day without tiredness, but sometimes I wake up tired. It is not really a physical tiredness, so then I can have the automatic 'feel' for gaining control over myself to wash away this tiredness experience.

But then I can also notice that many times I participate within the thoughts of 'I have many things to do, if I do not do them, tomorrow will be more things to be done, so I rather do it' - which can be common sense and also can be of fear, like 'if I screw these things up which I built thus far, I would lose everything I have now, which I would be angry to myself about' - and only Self-honesty can reveal if there is any, even 'slightest' fear.

So this post is a bit more talkative than being on point, so I align myself with Self-forgiveness according to these points mentioned.

This supports the accumulation of realization that I do not think who I am, but I am getting to KNOW who I am, which is practical, not just listening to thoughts in my head, but in real time physical application I already recognize the patterns and being able to see deeper into my and thus the world's creation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I want to control things what I have allowed a fear-influenced relationship within myself through words, energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, thus by manifesting polarities within me, wanting to stimulate, manipulate myself into apparent equilibrium, status quo, balance to stop friction, which exists because of already self-accepted pre-programmed self-definitions, reactions to external and internal conditions which I am not aware of, not taken responsibility for and not yet realized that I can understand and stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to accept the fear I have, which I even can not see, but when I strive to control, have resistance to let go this control, I can recognize that I am suppressing a fear, I am not aware of how and why I created patterns which in fact I have given permission to control me through my mind, manifested into and as my human physical body which with I identified myself with so then I stopped questioning, challenging my self-accepted limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the strive for control within me is because I already given my mind the permission, the automated word-and energy-based programming of my human physical body to external and internal conditions to control me and wanting to overcome, overpower that control and meanwhile not realizing that I only strengthen that control by this, because it is my very starting point, the very fear which I allowed to control me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge to myself and even to others that I am being controlled by my mind, not always, but at specific times, which I suppressed to realize/see/understand, because even the very idea that I am constantly being controlled not by me, self, physical, here is frightening, so I rather automated excuses and justifications which with I identified myself with in order to not take self-responsibility to take responsibility for the utter fact that I am an automated organic robot and the only way to stop this is to walk the Process of Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, because only me can actually, directly, specifically see why, when and what I am participating within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to allow to embrace the word 'utter fact' of not being able to live myself without resistances, self-limitations and sugar coating it by excuses and justifications, comparisons and blame and thus diminishing the momentum of taking responsibility of who I am accepting myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize, or even realize but to forget by being obsessed and lost within experiences to the fact that 'taking responsibility' is not something hard, heavy, something to resist, because it is also fact that regardless of I take it or not, I am constantly and consistently manifesting physical consequences within and of this world, planet, humanity, country, family wherein I am literally located within space and time from which there is no escape - even the idea of wanting to escape is based of a fear of responsibility, an attempt to control 'fate' instead of directing as self as creator, creation as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a construct within my mind about what is physical control, when I am within chaos, what is freedom in relation to the simple point of existing here, expressing and living in and as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize, define, systematize knowledge and information in relation to what is proper breathing, when I am controlling, what is good, what is bad and not being able to direct myself to release these influences, whenever I focus to my breathing, allowing myself to just be here, and not realizing, that it is because I have not yet walked, revealed, understood, forgiven all the patterns I've allowed myself to define as who I was, am or will be in relation to who and how I am in relation to breathing.

I will continue with specific points of control and breathing to forgive and thus realize that I allow it to influence, control me instead of preventing myself to participate within and explore what is beyond control and fear and actually realize what is the source, the origin point of the fear within each of these actual occurrences.
Also to further decompose and let go the relationships, meanings I associated to certain words as I realize that words not need to be tools of separation, limitation, but also can give support for direct self-expression, living the words as structure, clarity, stability within self-honesty.

Anyone decides to face the mind, the control - hidden and obvious - Self-forgiveness is always here - How to start can be understood by this free online course called DESTENIIPROCESS LITE.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

[JTL Day 225] Ranting on why I needed CONTROL

I continue with the CONTROL decomposition.

Here is a little rant on my mind personality on control from my childhood:

There are things what I want to control, and there are what I don't care.

Everything within my interest I wanted to control because of my belief that supports who I am.

What comes up first is the want to control the flow of my thoughts. I believed that it is like a tap, which I can simply close when I don't want to hear.

I had so many thoughts since I was kid, it was like these (b)rainstorms and each drop was a thought and just came and came while I felt like I was standing naked in this cold mind-storm and each thought hit me and I wanted to be able to endure those, to have an armor which protects me from the endless thoughts. It felt like madness, each charging, sending me, making me more and more powerless...

Someone always whispering, talking, shouting in my head, all of the fear and suppression, self-holding back turned me into this thinker, which I did not realize then, I just wanted something to shut the thoughts off.

I could give anything to be able to stop the thoughts and there was nobody around me to explain that it was me who created and accepted to grow the thought-streams into rivers and storms by the specific reacting, by the suppression, by the resistance, fear, and keep me thinking instead of acting. Even when I acted, it was based on the accumulation of thought-patterns.

I 'thought' - haha - that the thoughts are the knives - one can use it for doing good and bad as well - and when I felt like 'I am thinking' - it gave the impression that I am walking around something with ideas, insights, possibilities in my mind quickly and silently, but when I wanted to rest and have a peace, the thoughts just came and stormed me about what I should have been done or should not, or how miserable, ugly my life is and how powerless I am and how I should find a way out from this uncomfortable situation I ended up being within. Also many times thoughts constantly showed me all the worst scenarios what could happen and I was overwhelmed and worried most of the time and I defined that 'I rather see the worst and be prepared than not seeing at all'.

I could not control my behavior among others, I could not control my discipline with myself and I could not control my thoughts, emotions, so I felt like I am not the rider, I am something what is being used to ride on...

All I could come up was the attention, it's diversion and how I was able to focus to something which resulted with energetic reactions, excitement, arousal, danger.

What excited me was reading, science, computers, exploring nature, figuring out things and logic.

What made me aroused was anything sex-related, so I listened my mother doing sex, looked at magazines, watched sex tapes and thought/fantasized about women.

Also by being in dangerous situations I was pumped with adrenalin, which also worked to stop the thinking, like doing adventurous stunts, some petty stealing. Furthermore within direct exposure to danger I always move immediately, there is no place/time/space for thinking through and that also made me feel more alive.

So these things I built in into my interest/base tactics to do regularly so then I can have a rest from the thinking/suppression, but still it was the basic thing to do and no matter what I did, especially at nights I always returned to be a 'heavy thinker' which I did not enjoy yet I could not stop. The more I resisted, the more thoughts I actually experienced. Hey, I was not 'mad', just in terms of trying to grasp real stability, quietness, peace within - I never could and that made me uncertain, wavering, doubtful.

After a while at university, with alcohol I could poke my mind around but in 1-2 years I realized that it did not help, only I was able to automatize to act out my suppression, which was sometimes kind of scary because I did not fully remember what I did and some times I became absolutely uninhibited and reckless.

I remember however the moment when I wanted to have a state of mind when I do not remember what I did, so then I decided to drink more to get to that point, because I felt myself tired to always know, remember, define, I just wanted to let it go, let the control go.

But after all it was not cool for my body, so after university I transitioned to weed, which was kind of dual - it calmed me down, yet my thoughts became more strong yet I had less problem with them when I smoked enough.

It made my thoughts/emotions kind of melt together and then sink down into the back of my mind - what I did not realize then that it crystallized into my body and waited to be exerted still, so it was a kind of suppression catalyzation. But for that to realize I had to become self-honest enough and it took some years.

Also then another mind-blowing drugs I used, acid, mushroom, and it was different than alcohol:

With alcohol, my thoughts and emotions became more blunt, strong that in that moment I became one with them without the ability to see that these are coming up from my sub/un-conscious, so I identified myself with my thoughts, feelings, emotions: the mind totally - not 'I think, I feel', but I am thought, I am emotion. - or at least I experienced so.

With dope, my thoughts became less strong, but still more obvious, and if I wanted, I could see and realize that in this moment I am quiet within, in the next moment I am participating within thoughts, but until I really-really decided to use this state of mind to observe, backtrack, understand my mind-thinking process, it was still automatic.

And the thought-reaction automation is so ingrained in the human that once a trigger happens, 'I am thinking' - and there is a thought-ride happens without 'I realize' that I am not quiet within anymore, because one after another I follow the rabbit - and I have to learn to be able to slow down to each of this already automated situation/circumstance/trigger point to be able to have a chance to have a space/time/knowing to decide not to follow the thought again.

But for that I needed something more.

I did zen meditation, mokuso - to imagine and calm the surface of the lake, to have discipline and it was like rolling upwards a huge stone toward the top of a mountain and many times it rolled back and pushed me over, which means I started to think again, and it was frustrating, but eventually I was able to 'break through' and reach different mind states, wherein there was no thinking but that state was gone after a while again. It looked like that with all the meditation I was able to accumulate energy with what I could glue myself to a state wherein I was not thinking but after the energy and focus was gone, I 'transformed' back to the same reactive mind.

So I introduced another occupation, meditation with concept: tibetan, mantras, visualization - wanted to have shortcut, 'inspired' by psychedelic drug trips.

It always was 'cool' - like in game Warcraft, the hero had these symbols upon their head while making magic, so I mastered to imagine these with the om mani padme hung and other mantras.

WHILE I was doing the mantra, the concept, my mind was kind of empty, but after some years I realized, it's the same distraction as I get stoned and play music or do juggling - I am focusing to something what requires attention and sort of presence within, but once I stop it, I 'return' to the same old personality, meaning thinking, judgement.
Also with the definitions, my relationship, reactions to the very point of mantra, my starting point to it, my action, my memories, everything I kept re-enlighting, so that was also a source for energetic experiences, which they 'taught' not to take seriously either, as 'not react to excitement', but still, I was dependent on 'energetic experiences'.

So I wanted to have more radical actions, meaning more psychedelics, more determined mindset within more intense settings, such as goa trance parties. The sensory overload did the attention grabbing pretty much and also the intensity, flow and melodic and sound effects of the music within the dancing colorful crowd made my attention fully.

Also when the music is that loud, intense and tribal, it is like it's pushing away my thoughts, and with acid, mdma, mushroom, it's catalyzed to the extent of total inability of thinking while being able to sense and perceive, interact and experience and more importantly: remember.

What I did not realize that I did not stop my mind, I simply liquified it totally and it became one and I was totally equal with it and by that - it stopped being a separated experience, I stopped being disturbed by it, because it was total integration with my mind consciousness system, and that oneness experience I perceived as stepping out from my mind personality, my limitation, but in fact I did not, just I was able to move without resistance in the mind, I was unable to separate anything from my mind, so I did not experience duality, but it was still not absolute freedom, especially when first realizing that the drug effect was fading and my first thoughts came 'again' - that was very obvious and I was kind of amazed with this 'dog chasing it's tail' with these experiences for while, but in fact I still wanted to control my mind.

I wanted to have the control of turning it off now, because I realized I can.

Because I did not need to think, define, to put it into polarity, to use memory to interact with myself, others, the environment - there was this more direct experience which I became really hungry for.

That drove me into more meditation, more psychedelic experiences but no matter what I did/tried - I always ended up losing the control, wanting to have it and then trying some method to gain it, which I hoped soon will be 'absolute'.

Because one thing I realized - if it's not absolutely specific, reproduce-able, without anything in and as the moment, then I am nowhere from where I want to be, to be able to be and do what I want without any inner limitation, resistance. And when I faced the fact that I am still not 'there' - I was frustrated, and then I used that frustration to charge my desire, intent, motivation to try to control, stop my mind more and more.

Obviously this made me tired, exhausted and kind of pitifully desperate sometimes, but I was so stubborn, I did not realize it, I just knew that I am doing something fundamentally wrong, but I did not know what or how.

I had to burn myself quite much and lose everything some times and meanwhile I never stopped searching for more info/knowledge/method, I found the desteni material, the group and the process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and direct, practical support for embracing, understanding, stopping the mind and start really living with the principle of equality and oneness.

I immediately realized that this is a key for me so I studied for months and then I started to write my story, started to write, say and apply self-forgiveness and after not much I already started to learn and know myself much directly than ever before.

It took some years to realize my tempo, temperament, attitude and the process is still in the go, but I've changed so much already - I have the ability to calm down, what I always wanted to stop the thoughts, the emotions to overwhelm me is becoming my natural self-expression and there are still points wherein I can react but I already walked through so much self-deception so I can have a physical reference point when I am quiet without suppressing, when I am lying to myself, when I fear, when I suppress so then I can apply self-forgiveness.

So this story was about how and why I started to want control. This point is important because driven me to be able to fuel an other self-dishonesty, the obsession with perfection - in my mind. I do realize that even the greatest 'quality' can become a problem, especially if I become of it, obsessed with it, lost within it, such as I ended up with this whole controlling myself, my mind thing. So that created a polarity as well - wanting to control perfectly meanwhile also wanting to completely let go. Because I never had balance or equality - there was always too much or too less, especially, because I was not aware of this, I did not dare, I rather defined, automatized, trusted definitions/systems instead of me being present, because I always believed that this can be a real escape - if I do everything according to careful planning, I could be free and just expect the best while leaning back. And then I observed myself to 'fail' so then I started to want/develop/manifest more control again.

So this was a split within me, that I wanted to have more control and at the same time I wanted to get loose all of the control but then I had doubt about myself and some of those doubts were 'useful' but it was not clear which was of fear and was of practical way towards self-perfection.

That is an aspect within me which I am also decomposing and releasing: the strive for perfection and there is a point until it is practical, and there is when it's an obsession which diverts me from priorities - but that word will be the next and before that: let's purify and redefine the word CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have absolute control over my mind and body and not realizing that what is actually this control means and how to do it practically and within that becoming an idea, a feeling, a desire, which is not practical anymore, therefore it is not supporting me, but still, when reacting to it with thoughts/feelings/emotions, it would give me energy and not realizing that is self-dishonest, because I am busy with reacting to something I created in order to be able to feel good without actually manifesting what I want, because I accepted myself as not being able to/really wanting to make it happen in real, physical world and not questioning/investigating myself why, what is the resistance, judgement for that specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to control myself, my thoughts, my life, my actions and wanting to hold back myself and wanting to resist/fight my reactions and not realizing that the more I struggle, the more I sink within my mind, the more I accept energy to influence/direct me and by that having less and less control and then because of that wanting to have control more and more and not realizing that what I resist persists and the solution would be to stop and understand, re-align and stop the original fear which lead me to want to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to control my mind, my thoughts with another thoughts, attention diversion, energetic experiences, such as sexual arousal, danger and adrenaline.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I defined the conditions I accepted which through I decided what I want to control and what I do not care – as me, as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that control means separation, controller and the thing being controlled, the act of controlling and never realizing the syllables of 'con-trolling', meaning having an inception, a starting point, a point of origin from which having a conviction, a CON, which by I give permission to my mind to be trolled, fooled, con-sumed without realizing the self-deception driven by fear, causing me to believe that self-separation is acceptable and necessary by polarity and judgements, even when in fact I am not fully aware of how those building blocks of definitions I embraced, defined as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am smart when I am thinking, even when at times thoughts can disturb me and I can't stop them and not questioning what is actually happening within me and automatically allowing the identification that what I think is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the more I suppress actions and physical self-expression/I accept thinking/I react to thoughts, the more thoughts I will accept until the point of total possession of inner conversation/backchat of those accumulated past self-acceptances.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression, when I do not say/act out what I want based on fear creates inner energetic reactions what will fuel my mind to generate more thoughts and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my thoughts as 'knives', as 'tools' which can be used for good and bad and not realizing that when I am convinced that 'I deliberately think as now using it as 'good', then I am deceiving myself, manifested by brainwashing of me of previously reasoned as having some kind of 'proof' that this is useful, and not being self-honest, open and aware of that all what happens is that I trust my memory, my mind to use patterns what I judged previously as 'good', and not realizing that I am using virtualized models of my past to superimpose what is here and who I am in this moment, and also not realizing that the moment I use thinking, I am always at least one step beyond of what is here in and as the moment and that separation is also the reason I want to control, because I am not equal and one with what is here, because of that latency of wanting to use my mind, memory, thoughts to define and judge, because in fact I do not fully trust myself in the flesh directly.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why I do not trust myself absolutely in and as the flesh, as physical, as action, as sounding words, because at certain situations I proven to myself that without schemas, patterns, definitions, judgements of my mind I am afraid, feeling uncertain, lost, therefore to have the feel of knowing, control, I listen to thoughts, definitions, judgements.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I did prove to myself that I am more smart and stable, effective and better surviving with thinking, listening to thoughts, believing thoughts are being supportive, I relied to already self-accepted patterns already believed by previous thinking, more previous experiences of fear, uncertainty, doubt, which I also defined as not good, therefore avoidable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fighting and resisting means I believe that I am not the directive principle, the responsible, creator, but the inferior, because if I would be the director of my life, I would not fight, resist, I would simply see, decide and act, therefore any resistance, fear means I still accept self-definitions to tell me why and how I am inferior, which are self-deception, because it is no problem to acknowledge that I fear of something, but to accept it and deny it will obviously create problems.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wanting to acknowledge that I was wrong, I was in fear, I was resisting, fighting in a futile war against myself, my ideas, my reactions, my experiences, my insights, because believing that I can win against my mind, thoughts by another thoughts, with my mind with energy, polarity and not realizing that all the while I am becoming the energy, wasting time and resources and re-creating the starting point: separation, fear, self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to stop the fight, resistance, the need for control, which originates from the perception that I am inferior, weaker, less than what I feel myself being separated from, not one and equal with and to specifically see what exactly I miss, disregard, deliberately avoid to see/realize/understand and forgive/stop/let go within who and what I am in regarding to the point and relationship of this resistance, fight, control.

I commit myself to realize that I can direct myself and what I do as equal as one undefined, self- and life-aware by not relying on memories and if any fear would come up that I would lose, I realize because I do not practically know things what is required, therefore I apply investigation, if needs writing and instead of thinking, I ensure that I know, which means I do not need thoughts to tell me how and what to perceive by directly trusting myself here.

I commit myself to stop fearing from letting go control and realizing that I always had fear to let go this idea of need for control and even believed that I have control in my life meanwhile in fact I am drifting within resistances through reactions which I can recognize
/understand/forgive and stop to give myself the chance to start directing.

I commit myself to realize the word directing entails being direct with what I move with and thus being 'as' what I move with and as myself and if there is any judgement/definition/reaction/fear/desire/excitement in my mind and manifests thoughts, then I am losing presence, I am accumulating personality, polarity, which leads to control, which I realize not the most direct and self-honest way to express who I really am as life.

to be continued with more specific control-releasing, going through the points I mentioned here as my past and also to see what with I still accept and allow the fear and thus the need for control in my current life.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

[JTL Day 224] Decomposing the strive for CONTROL

Home fields
I continue with my personality decomposition, this time choosing the word: CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want control, to have control, believing because otherwise I have nothing against fear and pain, meaning fearing from losing the ability of avoiding pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always choose the options what gives me the perception of I am in control about something, someone, or myself, because otherwise I could fall into my mind's temptation of constantly bombing me with possible scenarios of what could happen for then all of those I rather have control, because then I can avoid facing my fear, which is losing myself within pain, within time, meaning wasting my time, wasting my life on not being able to do what I want, what I am, who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all the stability I've gained and perceive and experience is because I feel I have control over me, over my situations, over my existence and not realizing that it is a facade, not real, but as long as I experience myself being in control, convinced that I did all I could, there is still statistically a percentage of 'happening' what I want, then I feel that everything is in control, therefore I am in balance, I am alright, I am here, I am 'at peace' with me and the 'universe' and not realizing that it is like walking on the edge of a razor, because it's all in my mind which is never stable, thus I am also not stable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within releasing the desire for control, the fear from not having control specifically by each and every single one of currently upcoming fears, so to speak 'systematically' and deal with them with the starting point of 'facing, opening, understanding, forgiving, re-defining, stopping, changing' the point as me as equal as one until it's done, gone, I am here, unified with no more reacting or fearing in any way whatsoever to that one particular point and then directing myself to the next point until I am here, undefined, fearless.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense and the most direct and simplest solution as to understand the need for control and what I fear from losing or facing or experiencing and never getting to the point to clearly see/realize/understand the fact that wherever, whenever I 'control' - it is of separation, based on a polarity, the mind, definition, energy, fear and not unification, based on equality and oneness, the physical, self.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the con word within con-trol and acknowledging that it is of consciousness systems, of separation, of fear, which I justified with that it is what I need, what I have to have in order to survive, to have, to express, to live, meanwhile in fact it is the obvious sign that my starting point is of and as fear, energy, which will not last, thus who I defined myself to be, who I perceive myself to be also will be gone as the same way as it has been created and thus the solution is to dig out/become intimate with myself to the extent of understanding why in the first place I wanted to control in order to realize the separation I've accepted with that particular aspect of self, what I wanted to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the master of control, meaning not being the slave of control, which was a fear in my early days that I am being controlled by others, my family, my school, the system because I could not get or have what I wanted simply, but I had to comply, to follow the rules, to obey, to accept external control within my life, telling me who I must be, how I must be in order to get what I wanted, such as time, space, money to be able to express myself, to be able to create myself, to be able to live which then I accepted and thus became and identified myself with the apparent 'game of life' as 'game of control' and within that became the system as who I am as consciousness as con-troll.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that who wants total control is in fear, which can be understood, but I've focused only to the subject of the act of control, which by I defined 'power' and by the polarity of that definition having the reaction of 'worthy' or 'unworthy' of my attention, which then I've accepted as automatic personality-brick in my mind as defining who I am in terms of a certain activity, a certain possession of material can have a value which then can be a measure of power, such as physical force, physical matter, so defining value according to things in this world, what with one can have control over matter, over others or even themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that at a certain point within my life I concluded that I do not have power over others - yet but wanted and also the same with the physical existence, so I decided to take control over me so to speak, meaning learning how to be able to really do what I want and not experience any resistance or limitation once I've decided to do something and when actually trying this out and really facing resistances from within and self-limitations then defining who I am as somebody who has the goal to walk through all resistances and self-limitation within himself to be able to have absolute control over himself and thus opening the gate up to grasp control of others and all of existence, which then I've never really bothered to acknowledge, because I've defined that I am at the beginning of this path, and when I am perfectly controlling myself, then I would have the time and opportunity to see my relationship with control and all the while not realizing that the starting point for all of the control in the world was because of a fear, fear of not being able to control myself and thus existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how this starting point of control determined the development of my personality, my mind, my very physical beingness, expression and who I am today and not being self-honest with myself in terms of really seeing that it's all based on a fear, which then I've inflated and systematized, layered up and managed to build up a perception of who I am and what is 'me' and what I want and why I want it without stopping for a moment and question all of this with common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within all the personality-development I could not include all others within the 'equation of control', so I've injected others as the whole process of finding myself, my control over myself and existence is not for me, but also for all others, because once I would be in full control of me, then I would not have any goal anymore but consider others as well, but for that, at first, I have to focus on me, only me, me, me, me.

Home garden
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the more I focus to my fear, the more I want control, and the more I want control, the more I justify to accept my fear and do according to that starting point to avoid, while not realizing that in fact by that I create what I fear from, I manifest what I resist, I face what I separate from myself until the inevitable point of realization of who I've accepted myself to manifest as which then I have to take responsibility for to unify and solve, meaning to stop the perception of separation and realize the fact that I am one with and as life with all of existence as equal, wherein no matter what I do, there is always consequence, thus to perceive, to express myself only considering me, I create separation, friction, which then I would fear facing and wanting to have control over to be able to exclude from my life and never realizing that if anybody else would face that consequence of my fear, then it is still them, as life as me, so in fact I abuse me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware what exactly I've did in order to have the experience of having control in my life, such as gathering knowledge, learning, studying, practicing, experimenting to be able to have definitions, rules, laws, regulations, memories, images to always be ready in my mind to be able to explain everything, to 'box in' everything, to always be able to feel like 'known' about things, because then there would be some information which by I would know or possibly guess what is going on, what I should do to remain stable, to remain effective, to be able to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the human civilization's law system of what I can or can't do, the belief systems of what is the meaning, purpose, sense of my human existence, what is good, what is bad for me or others and never questioning it, even when by exploring the human world system realizing that within different countries, cultures, there are different laws, belief systems of who we are, where do we came from, where are we going, and always trying to get that answer from outside of me, because if I would find something what is like similar to what I feel, who I want then I would be more control over me, because then there would be a relation with this world, and then I could use that relationship to stabilize and trust within my convictions about who I am and what I should do or what the things really are what I experience in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have a reason, a conscience in my mind of what I do and why in order to have a certainty, a stability, a sense of direction to what I do and who I am, so then I never 'run out' of reasons, so then I would never stop to feel that I am clueless, goalless, out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that without control I am an animal, an instinct-machine, an organic robot which then goes back to the programming of ancestors, the biology, the survival, the pure self-interest, which from I wanted to protect myself and others in the fear of if I would not have control, I would simply get what I want regardless of others, regardless of respect for life or dignity, which then I would not like because then that would mean losing another layer of control, which is for ensuring that I am 'good'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to understand my desires and fears and how those are related and in fact built upon the experience of pain and the goal for avoidance of fear and within that defining the ultimate goal such as 'love' which then would mean that when I love, then I am good, when I hate, I am bad, and then believing this as golden rule regardless of anything, any reason, common sense, logic, because if then anyone could persuade me that love is not good, then I would become negative, and within this not seeing that I completely given my mind, my self-definitions permission to tell me who I am what I must do and how I must feel, regardless of anything else but of thoughts, feelings, emotions, which then I've defined as much as me as my physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop to the extent that all thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, rules, definitions, knowledge, laws, reactions would stop within me and I would just be, simply be, without any definition, here, as the physical and explore what is here, who I am without any definition, any conviction, any control, any belief, desire or fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed to accept myself who I am in this moment simply as who I am and always wanting to be in motion in my mind, to always generate energy, reaction, to have a plan, conviction, to be prepared, always ready to explain, to make sense, to use what I have known and trust within these and not realizing the sobering fact that in the very moment I rely on any of these, of any thought, feeling, emotion, I am compromised, given up, diminished as myself, as here, as simplicity, as whole, as present, as unified.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is a beingness, a sprout, a seed of life within and as me as who I am here as a human physical body living physical being, which for to open up, to grow, to expand, to really live, I must let go all of the consciousness I accepted and allowed to rely on to know, to experience, to behave, to express until I am here, completely naked in my mind, undefined, unified, equal and one with and as my human physical body without any need for or fear from control and be able to direct myself as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control everything around me and at certain situations, also others, because I don't trust in them and I don't trust that they could manage to do what I want or what I don't want and also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control people because believing that what I want from them doing or not doing is important so whatever is important to me I want to ensure that it will be the way I want otherwise I would not feel good, certain, because that would mean what I planned do not happen which means I wasted time on planning and also why I planned will fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control everything because of fear of failure, fear of losing opportunity and chance, resource, time and within that losing myself, because by time I will get old and also die so I must be specific and effective and the more I feel I am not directing the situation the more I feel I need to control it and not realizing that control is always of separation, fear, while direction is the equal and one relationship I should find and realize and express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control where I live by always being able to do what I want and no one should tell me what I should do otherwise I would fear that not I am in control but I am controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist things and others and communication when I feel that I am being controlled and that would make me feel uncomfortable and not wanting to do it because that I would define as not me in control, thus I am losing, I am lost, I am wasting resource and time.
Violet Valley

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotions based on someone's expression and by that emotion moving/acting/behaving a certain way because within that moment feeling and defining that I am being controlled and becoming angry and within that not realizing that if I totally focus on that anger reaction, meanwhile I do not see where it comes from and why I grow it and from a point I simply want to exert it, become it and then the other person would experience it and would believe that I make her/him angry, meanwhile I know that I am making myself angry for what I accept and allow instead of stopping and always re-assessing, reconsidering, re-adjusting my stance, starting point in order to be able to take self-direction with the point as myself here without emotional reaction, without need for control, without fear from not being able to control, without the fear of losing time, myself simply realizing that also the consequence of manifesting the fear of losing time and myself is also an emotional reaction which by in fact I am wasting more time while being absolutely ineffective, so I immediately, unconditionally stop, breathe here and say no more self-acceptance of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to trust others when I do not trust myself and within that wanting others to be able to do things for me, with me, even when I did not explained to them what I want why I want but only wanting the outcome to happen which is not practical and quite impossible, because the other person do not really know what I want, expect yet still allowing myself to give permission to my mind to be frustrated about it instead of simply realizing where exactly and how I have to open up communication, direction to re-align the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can stop controlling trust based on cons and conditions, rather directing myself and my trust with common sense and thus not needing to worry for giving away my trust to somewhere where I can't expect to have and also realizing that real self-trust which is the foundation of myself, my expression, my being here can not be projected out, conditioned, therefore if in any moment I see that I lose trusting myself based on a condition, an experience, an event, then it is my immediate responsibility to sort that out, understand how I've created that and absolutely stopping participating within and living the change that I do trust myself and within that moment seeing what with I don't and then I continue stopping all doubt and also realizing what are the points/aspects of myself what I can trust and what are which at the moment should not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map out myself, my mind, my reactions, my desires, my fears, my trust, my doubt specifically to be able to exactly see what I can and can not trust and what with I can expand my trust or what is with I can't and seeing the reason and considering shall/can I change that and then deciding it and living that decision until I am trust unconditionally.

to be continued with specifying the origin and source points of the accepted patterns of control in my life what are based on self-dishonesty to be able to stop before participating and start trusting myself directly

Monday, March 30, 2015

[JTL Day 223] Decomposing Fear of Pain

Eclipse 2015 March
I continue with the personality decomposition from my last post:
The point from where I continue is the state when I feel uncomfortable, pain. Recently I had a taste of it, almost all day I had a headache. I rarely have headaches, but when I do, I experience myself quite differently, mostly notable that my 'sphere of awareness' is extremely reduced, which itself makes me react already like a 'caged animal', because I got used to the experience of actively and passively noticing things around me, which gives the 'feel' of I can have options, not just 'sliding through an experience-tube' by constantly reacting things without seeing ahead.
So it's a wakefulness, a sort of alertness I 'normally' 'have'/'do', which as I see, has a part of personality and has a part of natural self-expression, which if I 'lose', I am less 'comfortable' already and the reason I write about it here is exactly the decomposition and self-honest realization of need for correction, re-alignment as it's based on fear, separation, self-interest.

I do not feel comfortable while being defined, automatically boxed into states/reactions, even if it's coming from within, because it's not practical - the moment is always blooming absolutely uniquely within each breath, so by self-automation I actually compromise myself based on a self-definition, a conviction, an idea or a fear, which the more I accepted in the past, the more I allow to be part of me without questioning, without being able to see/realize/understand it/me and be able to stop, change.

So as I wrote about energy, seriousness and personality, fear - here I add another word-dimension: PAIN.

When I do experience pain, I have the tendency to become much less open, present and my personality gets a goal to ensure to minimize and stop the pain to be able to return to the state of wakefulness.

But what are the points behind my personalities what has been defined/formed and shaped who I am today according to pain?

I walk Self-forgiveness to explore the self-definitions I've accepted to consist of to see what I have to understand/stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my goal, reason and purpose to stop and avoid experiencing pain, because defining that pain is bad, pain is changing me, pain is ruining me, pain is destroying me by defining that it takes all my attention, energy to itself, feeling like demanding all my beingness to give into which I do not want to because feeling like losing myself, my time, my resources, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that when I experience pain, that it means something, when my human physical body experiences pain, it means a problem, which means requires attention and solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense to ask myself what is my pain actually means and why I experience it, what would be the common sense to do in order to assist/support myself when experiencing physical pain to heal/recover.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely up to me to define and act upon fear of who I am and what I am going to do and even when I am in pain - I am still here and my actions still have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something to be feared, avoided in all cost, even if it means to realize/expose something self-dishonest/delusional because of the fear of loss, fear of unknown, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that I fear from pain because of fear of change, because fearing that if I would have pain, I would have remain within pain and within the experience of pain I am accepting and allowing myself to be reactive, self-interested, the opposite of aware and being able to consider my environment, others, which is not necessary, just it is how I've accepted and allowed myself to define as a protection mechanism personality manifestation in case of pain and fear of pain, which I can open up, understand, stop and change within consideration of myself, solution and others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the experience of pain I would do something reckless, irresponsible to myself or to others what I would regret when the consequence could not be changed once I did it, therefore within the experience of pain I try to close down and suppress myself as much as possible to avoid harm and within that becoming afraid of acting irresponsibly which then I would use to fuel to be able to close myself down more and not realizing that by this the more I become automatic, reactive and in fact be able to take responsibility for myself and my surroundings and in fact be able to apply the common sense for actual solution to stop the pain and also to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately program myself, my personality, my reactions, my physical beingness to automatically choose to avoid pain, even when the pain is not great, long and rather choosing avoiding it than choosing common sense, which does not mean to abuse my human physical body, but for instance when necessary to work hard and it's consequence would be some pain to refuse it within the fear of pain and it's consequence without awareness, without consideration or common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions to always have right when it comes about to avoid pain, avoid situation of possibility for pain, and justify it with the reason of 'I should not feel pain and it is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically exclude others from my consideration when I experience pain with the justification of 'I have the right to disregard everything else but my pain and my reaction/strategy to apply for this pain' without any awareness of consequence and ability to apply common sense, overwritten by the self-automation I've defined who I am in reaction to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can remain here, present, self- and life-aware, within consideration of myself and others, consequences and manifestations even during the experience of pain, just first I should understand, decompose and stop my current personality definitions according to reactions to pain and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something within I lose myself, within what I do not feel myself, I can't experience myself but the pain itself and not realizing that within that moment what I automated myself to do is self-separation, trying to exclude myself from the pain, the experience by creating polarity in my mind, energetic experiences and within that not seeing that in fact I separate myself from myself and within that split I lose directive principle with/on/as myself and that losing I am completely aware of and that I feel like losing myself which I do not want and never realizing the common sense to embrace myself, embrace the pain.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being changed by pain then I am manifested in a way that in case of pain I will change and within fearing to lose myself who I am in regards to pain actually I manifest the experience of losing the self-definition about who I am in pain and all the while I am not fully myself but who I defined myself according to pain which was not real therefore who I act as in the meantime is also not who I really am but according to the fear and self-definition about pain, which is completely my creation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that according to the avoidance of pain, the fear of pain I've created myself and my starting point, my personality, my reactions, my actions only within the consideration of my own interest, which I believed who I am and not realizing that I actually am existing also within the rest as well just I've accepted and allowed myself to be completely occupied with my experience, my personality about to avoid and prevent my pain in the fear of losing who I am and not seeing/realizing/understanding that within the reaction to fear I am manifesting the actual losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I activate a personality within my mind to tell me how to behave, how to react, how to feel, how to act, I fear of pain, fear of losing myself within pain, and not realizing that within focusing to this experience and physical reaction to fear I create what I participate within, thus strengthening this fear, fear of pain, fear of fear to such extent that there is no other reason exists but to justify to avoid the fear and pain, even if it's not real, not related to the current scenario I am within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the thought/feeling/emotion process of convicting myself about how I react to fear, to pain and believing that I can't directly feel, experience, be this pain but needing to define/relate to/think/feel/have emotion about in order to process/to deal with because if I would absolutely and totally embrace it as this is who I am in this moment, I believed that I would lose myself or I would change to such an extent that I would again: lose myself and not realizing that what I can lose might not be me at all and within that who I perceive, think, define myself to be according to fear, pain, experiences, situations is not really who I am but what I created in order to deal with myself/what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually question and explore, realize and understand the origin of pain within my human physical body and my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how and when I abuse and exploit my own human physical body as life-source with the process of mind-activities and within that taking responsibility to stop the abuse of fueling mind consciousness systems within myself with the fear and my automatic reactions to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any resistance to face any fear is also a layer of self-definition of fear and it creates conflict within me which means energy, polarity, friction toward something I accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationship through and as consciousness systems based on words manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, images and never realizing that what I resist persists and the more I try to separate it from me here, the more I manifest it in and as this physical existence within the perception of separation but in fact I am always one and equal with all what is here as creator, creation and created within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to accept and allow systems within me separated from me being directly here is based on resistance, fear, which is of friction, conflict and the only way to take responsibility and become the directive principle of all who I am within and as existence is unification, embracing all who I am existing as today and stop participating within what is self-dishonest, based on fear, self-interest unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the practicality and common sense, effectiveness and directness of the writing/sounding/acting self-forgiveness in relation to all self-accepted relationships I exist and consist of to recognize all patterns of what is not self-honest, what is not supporting all life and simply stop participating one by one until I am free of any fear, any need of separation, any systems of self-definitions, any mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the process of application of self-forgiveness is the process of finding and expanding, manifesting and expressing unconditional self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the experience of pain I've allowed myself to be defined as the victim, prey, that I can't do anything about it so the best strategy against it is to prevent pain at all cost, even if it means to act upon this prevention at all cost, meaning only considering my interest of this prevention of pain.
I commit myself to stop participate within any resistance toward pain, to accept any justification and excuse for why not to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, become in order to realize/see/understand the utmost responsibility I have within embracing, stopping, changing all what is here which is not as Life as who I am as equal as one.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand in every aspect of my breathing life that there is not a single consequence I can escape from in this existence thus the common sense is to face/embrace/unify myself with all what is here as who I am and stop the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions of self-dishonesty breath by breath within the accumulation of walking the Process of Application of Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to decompose all aspects of my manifested behavior which entails, contains, tainted, stimulated, influenced by fear of pain and realize that the fear from changing by facing, experiencing, embracing pain is futile within the fact that the more I separate myself from what I have allowed here in and as the physical, the more I lose directive principle thus unable to take responsibility to stop and change as myself as equal as one, therefore I commit myself to stop running and hiding from fear and within that from pain as realizing that who I am should not be defined or influenced by any fear therefore if I see it within me moving, reacting, I investigate, understand, forgive and stop myself as this self-definition, as this reaction until there is nothing here only the "I am here".

When and as I see a responsibility but I resist it because of any fear or pain, not seeing any gain or not feeling any energy by it - I motivate myself as decision, self-will, act as self-direction without any need for stimulation, gain or fear from lose, based on principled living of what is best for all with practical common sense.

When and as I fear from changing by experiencing pain, I become aware of the pattern what I used to use for avoiding the pain and becoming the personality for avoiding this pain and realizing what is the starting point of this fear, who I am as it's source and what I must be done in order to prevent further pain to cause.

When and as I experience pain, I realize that as I move toward my center of my being and excluding my reality, others - it is a pattern what I've developed by time and the same way I can decompose, stop it and become practical instead of reactive, open and directive instead of closed and reactive by acting immediately with self-trust, self-movement.

When and as I resist losing something within risking, I apply common sense and stop using the excuse of 'not wanting to be reckless and irresponsible' in order to justify fear of pain and fear of fear and trust myself to find my limits and walk through them breath by breath.

When and as I see that I am not trusting myself unconditionally, I stop and I re-align and forgive myself about everything I have in my mind and realize that all is excuse for accepting self-limitation instead of living self-direction so within that I write, sound, apply self-forgiveness unconditionally.

When and as I see that I face timelooping within facing/stopping/changing a pattern which does not support me, I ask for support, not allowing myself to get possessed by the idea of 'I must have to fight this', 'I am handling it', 'I got this' as realizing it is not about myself and within that realizing that within DesteniIProcess course and the group I can express my points to get support without any fear of judgement or separation and within that to realize that when I am able to assist and support others, it is myself who I give support to and assist to within the practical application of walking through self-separation, self-dishonest self-interest and thus re-writing, re-aligning, re-educating, re-birthing myself as life as equality and oneness in and as this human physical body.