I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as excited - not realizing that this is of a state of mind - a state of 'highness' and it has price.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed and even not being fully aware of what was the cause and then I am of this energetic experience of not pleasant and the focusability has reduced and I am not breathing naturally but I have to push extensively to remain here because I want to go to rest, I want to end this anxious embarrassed hightuned experience...
why it could happen?
I had some thought about Gy as I wrote an email to Bence about what was the situation me with Gy - so then I had some uncontrolled thoughts about this and then I came to home and I pulled out one hard drive of two and suddenly the winXp install worked and I was happy and I shouted some 'xp goes up' and then I realized that I forgot to buy butter and also this kind of energetic tiredness came up and I was very thirsty and hungry at a time - maybe it is exhausting of body experience...
so then I hate some yogurt and a bite of bakery-stuff and then I went out to shop to buy butter and I met two girls at the door and I was holding the door for them and it was loong loong time - about 3-5 seconds but seemed as 50 then I stepped out to the street and I had to say self forgiveness and breath and then entering the shop and then act and buy and pay and then came to home and then I continued to cook pasta and the install of xp and then I write this here.
Hmmm.
I open myself here, this is who I am as breath - I embrace the embarrassment demon and I have no to fear or think or desire as I am here as expression as breath as all as one as equal...
VLOG of Talamon
Oneness and equality as starting point HERE
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
dayto
This day as to day but not to die.
Morning rush for dentist - 2 different doctor, at 8:15 and 10:45 - both gives painkiller syringe into mouth - ironic but pains for a moment a HUGE and then it is numb for half day - left and right both are fucked - since third week I go - and today I was like this is getting too much - but what to do but breath - interesting -- no it's deep fascinating to observer myself within this so defined 'unpleasant' situation - how I tend to escape and what specific illusion I pull onto and as myself to not be HERE?
Chestburn - when breath I suppress - or mechanically trying to manipulate as a robot - I feel twisting limitation from inside - and then I breathe - as I grab the rope when I already fall 00010010010011
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody-s face is too close and I define it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face...
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion - by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath - and if I suppress breath - I suppress myself.
It can happen at workplace, at dentist when he was deep inside in my mouth and it is cool to face with this - several times came to surface within myself but I never expressed out - cool.
I am pushing myself trough this
When I am with a girl for instance - with Gy - I was observing that this 'issue' does not comes up - she did not tell that my breath would be disturbing - in fact why it would be? So it is a fear from an illusion what I carried since childhood.
Because there were for instance occasions when I felt somebody's breath was stinky - was drunk or after a womit or cigarette or simply was unpleasant for me in that moment - and I definet and then I defined myself also...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use other's presence as an excuse to not breath naturally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath - as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody's face is too close and I defined this as it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider ethics instead of trusting me here as breath without any idea or knowledge.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion - by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath - and if I suppress breath - I suppress myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath - as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what the chestburn would mean - because I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I suppress the breath as me and I try to manipulate the breath in order to experience specific energetic experiences - to avoid direct experience of what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse life by suppressing the breath of me as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the pain here is the consequence of my acceptance and allowance - so instead of suppressing it ad escaping from the experience - would be assisting to open myself up and realize what is what I did not realize.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope - even for those what people usually take granted - such as what they paid for or what they already possess - instead of realizing that I am here as expression within and as this body as one as equal as all.
Morning rush for dentist - 2 different doctor, at 8:15 and 10:45 - both gives painkiller syringe into mouth - ironic but pains for a moment a HUGE and then it is numb for half day - left and right both are fucked - since third week I go - and today I was like this is getting too much - but what to do but breath - interesting -- no it's deep fascinating to observer myself within this so defined 'unpleasant' situation - how I tend to escape and what specific illusion I pull onto and as myself to not be HERE?
Chestburn - when breath I suppress - or mechanically trying to manipulate as a robot - I feel twisting limitation from inside - and then I breathe - as I grab the rope when I already fall 00010010010011
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody-s face is too close and I define it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face...
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion - by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath - and if I suppress breath - I suppress myself.
It can happen at workplace, at dentist when he was deep inside in my mouth and it is cool to face with this - several times came to surface within myself but I never expressed out - cool.
I am pushing myself trough this
When I am with a girl for instance - with Gy - I was observing that this 'issue' does not comes up - she did not tell that my breath would be disturbing - in fact why it would be? So it is a fear from an illusion what I carried since childhood.
Because there were for instance occasions when I felt somebody's breath was stinky - was drunk or after a womit or cigarette or simply was unpleasant for me in that moment - and I definet and then I defined myself also...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use other's presence as an excuse to not breath naturally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath - as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody's face is too close and I defined this as it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider ethics instead of trusting me here as breath without any idea or knowledge.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion - by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath - and if I suppress breath - I suppress myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath - as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what the chestburn would mean - because I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I suppress the breath as me and I try to manipulate the breath in order to experience specific energetic experiences - to avoid direct experience of what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse life by suppressing the breath of me as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the pain here is the consequence of my acceptance and allowance - so instead of suppressing it ad escaping from the experience - would be assisting to open myself up and realize what is what I did not realize.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope - even for those what people usually take granted - such as what they paid for or what they already possess - instead of realizing that I am here as expression within and as this body as one as equal as all.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
demons as deMans
When I was a kid - at one point I experienced my family as a bunch of demons - I was confused - and I had to assist them in various acts such as slaughtering animals and learning to fear, to be angry, to suppress emotions and live by the laws of them and the society in order to survive. Such as hellish years I had - however by decades - I felt, myself also became a demon - as I've locked myself into and as a bubble of self-interest and played with the delusion of self-awareness - to define and determine who I must be, how I must be - according to my initial 'programming' by my family -- not really considering others but myself at first...
As years passed - I experienced the self-image can easily be shattered or exploded for specific moments when I had huge releases of these self-determined point of views according to my fears, illusions, desires, anger, transformed depression etc...
Then I started to wonder how to live? How to love? What is real, what is here? Within specific circumstances - I realized that the silence of the mind can be stabilized with some physical acts - such as psychedelic drugs, zen meditation or trance-dance -- however these were strongly conditional and I was not able to remain inner silent - I was aware of that not myself have the lack of will to do so -- but the starting point of myself was not me as life as breath - but some fancy idea from other (and already dead) people.
I was always fighting against this inner dialogues - I was fighting against my thoughts - I became a master of suppressing these, but absolutely I never could destroy or vanish these specific fear-based expressions within myself. Attention-divertion and suppression made me being directed from outside and when all my inner shit was copounded to a certain extent - it always hit back me intensely.
So I fell - and then I hit the bottom and then I restarted this trial for the goal of inner peace and then I fell big - meanwhile I was in a loose contact with the remainings of my family - and most of them became already ruined by their so called 'life', by their delusions about themselves...
I started to realize what is to be human - as I started to assume that I am lieing to myself - I became quite paranoid and sceptic - I can say - this stoicism I pushed more and more and I've realized that the most important leak is that I can not trust within myself because it looks like everything is of delusion.
When I was introduced to self-forgiveness - what is being strongly suggested for all by desteni.co.za, I was like 'I want this, I do not know how to forgive, but I want - I want to forgive myself all'.
I had to realize that all my ideas about demons, humans were illusions -- a demon is not a bloody, evil entity what ruins around because it has nothing else to do -- more likely it's a being apparently lost within and as consciousness systems -- being possessed with some self-projected ideas about themselves, about the world...
When a human is being stuck with a point within it's head - it can be an emotion, a thought or a feeling - and it is always influencing, directing the being's point of view/act/expression -- that being can be referred as demon.
Practically all humans are like this -- demons - the deManized beings are behaving like programmed entities and doing their very predictable limited movements all around the planet. They are incapable of being aware of what is really happening here - because of the strongly possessed precious self-image they keep up with the continous participation of self-dishonesty such as thoughts, emotions, feelings -- and by these - they are not different than organic robots -- even with the fact that the life essence they carry - it is suppressed, so only with enormous loss and pain can be broken the self-created shield -- what is here to protect themselves from the truth - that they are not living.
That's why humans can easily be directed - by their 'own' dishonesty - and oneness and equality always prevails - it is specific - as above so below...
With writing - and self-honesty -- I had to realize - I've became a demon - or more likely - I have developed several personalities what can be called as demons - and when I am not here as breath as inner silence as self as expression without any idea from consciousness -- I am a demonic expression...
It is an irony that within the computer world, there are demons as well - within linux and unix operating systems - there are demons what are doing their job - for instance demons are sending the mails, etc.
The solution for the inner silence is not to suppress, divert or destroy the inner movements such as thoughts, feelings, emotions - but to open myself and see it's core, how I am accepting myself as this literal 'whole-moment-shattering' expressions what are in fact - 'in-press I on'-s...
And realize - how I am responsible for this and why I allowed this to happen and then I can ask the question for myself that:
-Am I willing to change right here or I lie to myself again?
Self forgiveness can be a good self-reflection point - to see - am I really changing or I am only playing with the idea of changing myself from deMan to Man.
With writing for instance - I am expressing myself as words - as one as equal - and when I realize the self-dishonesty - I apply the forgiveness for releasing that obsession with that specific idea of myself -- and slowly but surely I release these demonic preferences such as fear, anger etc...
Daring to step without fear, taking the breath without attempting to leave the physical within my head - I am here. And being able to open myself to realize what demonic expression I accept and allow -- and by forgiving - I am able to explore practical solution to stop this madness - and I LIVE myself and embracing all dishonesties... Unnecessary to be limited by fear - so facing with demons equals facing with myself - and assisting myself as the demon as one as equal - and stand.
As years passed - I experienced the self-image can easily be shattered or exploded for specific moments when I had huge releases of these self-determined point of views according to my fears, illusions, desires, anger, transformed depression etc...
Then I started to wonder how to live? How to love? What is real, what is here? Within specific circumstances - I realized that the silence of the mind can be stabilized with some physical acts - such as psychedelic drugs, zen meditation or trance-dance -- however these were strongly conditional and I was not able to remain inner silent - I was aware of that not myself have the lack of will to do so -- but the starting point of myself was not me as life as breath - but some fancy idea from other (and already dead) people.
I was always fighting against this inner dialogues - I was fighting against my thoughts - I became a master of suppressing these, but absolutely I never could destroy or vanish these specific fear-based expressions within myself. Attention-divertion and suppression made me being directed from outside and when all my inner shit was copounded to a certain extent - it always hit back me intensely.
So I fell - and then I hit the bottom and then I restarted this trial for the goal of inner peace and then I fell big - meanwhile I was in a loose contact with the remainings of my family - and most of them became already ruined by their so called 'life', by their delusions about themselves...
I started to realize what is to be human - as I started to assume that I am lieing to myself - I became quite paranoid and sceptic - I can say - this stoicism I pushed more and more and I've realized that the most important leak is that I can not trust within myself because it looks like everything is of delusion.
When I was introduced to self-forgiveness - what is being strongly suggested for all by desteni.co.za, I was like 'I want this, I do not know how to forgive, but I want - I want to forgive myself all'.
I had to realize that all my ideas about demons, humans were illusions -- a demon is not a bloody, evil entity what ruins around because it has nothing else to do -- more likely it's a being apparently lost within and as consciousness systems -- being possessed with some self-projected ideas about themselves, about the world...
When a human is being stuck with a point within it's head - it can be an emotion, a thought or a feeling - and it is always influencing, directing the being's point of view/act/expression -- that being can be referred as demon.
Practically all humans are like this -- demons - the deManized beings are behaving like programmed entities and doing their very predictable limited movements all around the planet. They are incapable of being aware of what is really happening here - because of the strongly possessed precious self-image they keep up with the continous participation of self-dishonesty such as thoughts, emotions, feelings -- and by these - they are not different than organic robots -- even with the fact that the life essence they carry - it is suppressed, so only with enormous loss and pain can be broken the self-created shield -- what is here to protect themselves from the truth - that they are not living.
That's why humans can easily be directed - by their 'own' dishonesty - and oneness and equality always prevails - it is specific - as above so below...
With writing - and self-honesty -- I had to realize - I've became a demon - or more likely - I have developed several personalities what can be called as demons - and when I am not here as breath as inner silence as self as expression without any idea from consciousness -- I am a demonic expression...
It is an irony that within the computer world, there are demons as well - within linux and unix operating systems - there are demons what are doing their job - for instance demons are sending the mails, etc.
The solution for the inner silence is not to suppress, divert or destroy the inner movements such as thoughts, feelings, emotions - but to open myself and see it's core, how I am accepting myself as this literal 'whole-moment-shattering' expressions what are in fact - 'in-press I on'-s...
And realize - how I am responsible for this and why I allowed this to happen and then I can ask the question for myself that:
-Am I willing to change right here or I lie to myself again?
Self forgiveness can be a good self-reflection point - to see - am I really changing or I am only playing with the idea of changing myself from deMan to Man.
With writing for instance - I am expressing myself as words - as one as equal - and when I realize the self-dishonesty - I apply the forgiveness for releasing that obsession with that specific idea of myself -- and slowly but surely I release these demonic preferences such as fear, anger etc...
Daring to step without fear, taking the breath without attempting to leave the physical within my head - I am here. And being able to open myself to realize what demonic expression I accept and allow -- and by forgiving - I am able to explore practical solution to stop this madness - and I LIVE myself and embracing all dishonesties... Unnecessary to be limited by fear - so facing with demons equals facing with myself - and assisting myself as the demon as one as equal - and stand.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
ok
ok I went to the train station and I met with Gy - I was not sure about she is coming with that train at 10:18 but 50% was reasonable. I like the train station - it has this huge space where the reverb and echoes are infinitely smooth - this analogue effect what I always look after within software effects and never find...
So I met with her and I told her that I was coming to put the dot onto the i.
She told me that she was thinking about call me several times while the train was coming into Budapest but then she did not call me. However she was happy to see me but I felt that is not really the case - ok it was like that but something was pulling her... I was like - ok I have to move, I have to continously push myself to being directive so I spoke up.
I was explaining to her what agreement we could form if we want - and she was telling that she does not want relationship. I had to correct this as I do not want relationship and why I do not want, and then she said she does not want anybody to be with at all. Then I asked her about why she did not consider to meet me at the end of the week and then she told me that she was kissing with an other boy and then she did not wanted to meet me to having faced with this confusion within her or being embarrassed. Then I told her that then all decided, let's get this over and then it's all right. And also she told me that she does not want to kiss with that guy but in fact with me as well - and I felt like that's it - I have to express - so I told that we could assist each other really and then she told me that she is already being assisted by me and it is all right, and to be 'friends' and I told her that for me means nothing, either I want absolutely nothing if everything can not be done.
So this point came upon and we walked and spoke this over and over and then also I asked why she does not want to be with me and she told me maybe then she would want to be with me more and more but she wants to be focussed on what she wants, as degreework, job, meditation, friends etc.
I told her that something bothered me and I did not tell her that I experienced that she is living in a bubble and not facing with the world, for long time I asked her to watch earthlings, those videos and consider things, but she always said that she has no time for this, but she wants it - and I told her that she is the time - she is creating for what she wants...
So this was the point we reached her door, and I told her then I would not see her for a while because this would be shitty for me, and I have to be self-honest - so that friendship what would mean to meet once in two weeks - this is not what I can be in really - so I rather not do this, so then we exposed ourselves - and then we kissed a big loong deep and then I told her that it is very cool to sleep with her and she told me also that she enjoys to sleep with me as well - and then she went in and I walked away.
Moments later I deleted her number from my phone - and then she called me as she has a basket what is at my place and she wants that and she said that she agrees with me to not meet now. I agreed and the conversation was over.
Points were revealed - I was desiring to have sex with her - probably because she is so fascinatingly seriously similar with me from a point - like I was around 5 years ago - however she looked like somebody who could be self-expressive if she wants...
Anyways - this was like closing down an era within me and I am grateful that I trust me and I was able to open myself up even with the possibility to being 'rejected'.
I was fearing from being rejected since elementary school - and I had this huge trouble with facing this - directly, what could touch each part of me, that 'no, this wont happen' - like hitting with an axe onto my forehead - painful but makes me really-really sober within a glimpse of millisecond.
So I am here - what I am here? I am here as breath.
I breath - I breathe I breath and I breath.
Letting go of fear of being rejected - already done - fear from being exposed that I am a human - fearing from being vulnerable - done - fear from being opened to a certain point where I can be who I am - or what I became - to bring this up to realize.
The pointer finger of my right hand is itchy - self direction I am.
Self direction I am.
Self direction I am. and of couse - Self direction I am.
I was also able to smiling, and not being this hard, really serious-faced motherkiller tuned when we talked - ok I was not laughing and smiling but this was not the situation to do so - so it was ok.
It is assiting to go trough the Veno-self forgiveness: relationship again - to be ensured and see what points I am facing and why and how and what to do.
That thing that I had many plans with this girl - she is so capable of many things - but without changing - meaningless waste of time -- but without oneness and equality -- it is a delusional self-deception.
As that I see this like that - I am having trouble to see this trough - so let's stop this girl thing for a moment and will se how and who I am within this situation.
Anyways much things I can do --
the word list on hungarian and self forgiveness -- also the word-purifier - I really should continue to do!!!
I direct myself to take time to write hungarian words to dissolve definitions
I direct myself to take time to use word-purifier to be aware of associations to release them by applying self forgiveness.
I direct myself to do my second job as three points remained from the bug list and I want to do those to be able to move onto the next one.
Also I direct myself to work more precisely at my first workplace - and not being possessed with that - but when it is time - going to home and not being upset about spending too much time at there.
Also to have this 2 things: the music DAW and the camera - first one to make music - and second to learn being film photographer and maybe doing vlog again.
It is done
I am here
I am greatful of Gy and I am greatful that I am not deceptive and I am here and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider to influence her mind to want me - I did not do that - this intent is really powerful and I am not even able to realize how much my self will can influence the whole existence - but for what? for having this girl - even when I considered her some kind of compatible with me -- I am not doing this..
This darkness I spoke today with Cica - she felt with Spoon and I realized that this is when somebody is experiencing something deep within - and because of being with the other - of course she bound this event to Spoon - but in fact she had this within and as herself.
And also I told her that this is all right, all polarities are of the mind and we have to embrace all and not only the light and love definitions to follow - and I told her Gy told this to me once as well - but within the darkness - the real self can be experienced - the darkness is the real - the light is the deception - from a perspective - but not of the definitions of mind --
Anyways - I bound this darkness with the reall strong will or intent -- when I have this - I really-really want something - this can overcome and I feel like I have this power to get what I want - but this would make me blind and iron-like - and this I do not want - however I will have to continue to explore this as this is who I am - and Embracing myself as presence - has to come to awareness as well...
thanks, enjoy, bye
- any response?
So I met with her and I told her that I was coming to put the dot onto the i.
She told me that she was thinking about call me several times while the train was coming into Budapest but then she did not call me. However she was happy to see me but I felt that is not really the case - ok it was like that but something was pulling her... I was like - ok I have to move, I have to continously push myself to being directive so I spoke up.
I was explaining to her what agreement we could form if we want - and she was telling that she does not want relationship. I had to correct this as I do not want relationship and why I do not want, and then she said she does not want anybody to be with at all. Then I asked her about why she did not consider to meet me at the end of the week and then she told me that she was kissing with an other boy and then she did not wanted to meet me to having faced with this confusion within her or being embarrassed. Then I told her that then all decided, let's get this over and then it's all right. And also she told me that she does not want to kiss with that guy but in fact with me as well - and I felt like that's it - I have to express - so I told that we could assist each other really and then she told me that she is already being assisted by me and it is all right, and to be 'friends' and I told her that for me means nothing, either I want absolutely nothing if everything can not be done.
So this point came upon and we walked and spoke this over and over and then also I asked why she does not want to be with me and she told me maybe then she would want to be with me more and more but she wants to be focussed on what she wants, as degreework, job, meditation, friends etc.
I told her that something bothered me and I did not tell her that I experienced that she is living in a bubble and not facing with the world, for long time I asked her to watch earthlings, those videos and consider things, but she always said that she has no time for this, but she wants it - and I told her that she is the time - she is creating for what she wants...
So this was the point we reached her door, and I told her then I would not see her for a while because this would be shitty for me, and I have to be self-honest - so that friendship what would mean to meet once in two weeks - this is not what I can be in really - so I rather not do this, so then we exposed ourselves - and then we kissed a big loong deep and then I told her that it is very cool to sleep with her and she told me also that she enjoys to sleep with me as well - and then she went in and I walked away.
Moments later I deleted her number from my phone - and then she called me as she has a basket what is at my place and she wants that and she said that she agrees with me to not meet now. I agreed and the conversation was over.
Points were revealed - I was desiring to have sex with her - probably because she is so fascinatingly seriously similar with me from a point - like I was around 5 years ago - however she looked like somebody who could be self-expressive if she wants...
Anyways - this was like closing down an era within me and I am grateful that I trust me and I was able to open myself up even with the possibility to being 'rejected'.
I was fearing from being rejected since elementary school - and I had this huge trouble with facing this - directly, what could touch each part of me, that 'no, this wont happen' - like hitting with an axe onto my forehead - painful but makes me really-really sober within a glimpse of millisecond.
So I am here - what I am here? I am here as breath.
I breath - I breathe I breath and I breath.
Letting go of fear of being rejected - already done - fear from being exposed that I am a human - fearing from being vulnerable - done - fear from being opened to a certain point where I can be who I am - or what I became - to bring this up to realize.
The pointer finger of my right hand is itchy - self direction I am.
Self direction I am.
Self direction I am. and of couse - Self direction I am.
I was also able to smiling, and not being this hard, really serious-faced motherkiller tuned when we talked - ok I was not laughing and smiling but this was not the situation to do so - so it was ok.
It is assiting to go trough the Veno-self forgiveness: relationship again - to be ensured and see what points I am facing and why and how and what to do.
That thing that I had many plans with this girl - she is so capable of many things - but without changing - meaningless waste of time -- but without oneness and equality -- it is a delusional self-deception.
As that I see this like that - I am having trouble to see this trough - so let's stop this girl thing for a moment and will se how and who I am within this situation.
Anyways much things I can do --
the word list on hungarian and self forgiveness -- also the word-purifier - I really should continue to do!!!
I direct myself to take time to write hungarian words to dissolve definitions
I direct myself to take time to use word-purifier to be aware of associations to release them by applying self forgiveness.
I direct myself to do my second job as three points remained from the bug list and I want to do those to be able to move onto the next one.
Also I direct myself to work more precisely at my first workplace - and not being possessed with that - but when it is time - going to home and not being upset about spending too much time at there.
Also to have this 2 things: the music DAW and the camera - first one to make music - and second to learn being film photographer and maybe doing vlog again.
It is done
I am here
I am greatful of Gy and I am greatful that I am not deceptive and I am here and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider to influence her mind to want me - I did not do that - this intent is really powerful and I am not even able to realize how much my self will can influence the whole existence - but for what? for having this girl - even when I considered her some kind of compatible with me -- I am not doing this..
This darkness I spoke today with Cica - she felt with Spoon and I realized that this is when somebody is experiencing something deep within - and because of being with the other - of course she bound this event to Spoon - but in fact she had this within and as herself.
And also I told her that this is all right, all polarities are of the mind and we have to embrace all and not only the light and love definitions to follow - and I told her Gy told this to me once as well - but within the darkness - the real self can be experienced - the darkness is the real - the light is the deception - from a perspective - but not of the definitions of mind --
Anyways - I bound this darkness with the reall strong will or intent -- when I have this - I really-really want something - this can overcome and I feel like I have this power to get what I want - but this would make me blind and iron-like - and this I do not want - however I will have to continue to explore this as this is who I am - and Embracing myself as presence - has to come to awareness as well...
thanks, enjoy, bye
- any response?
self direction as breath
Here today I recon-tinue the day by day blogging.
What happened since ten days - I was exploring how to be natural expression without concepts.
These concepts - I built up previously and when I push myself - I can step trough/over these - sometimes not instanteniously, but with a discipline stand - and it still falls -- falls from a perspective that I allow myself to define, I allow myself to
first of all
--listen/take care/consider/obey that what I am experiencing inside of me - and not within the body -- thoughts, feelings, emotions.
it is fascinating to explore how there are situations when I am immediately aware of that I am suppressing/deceiving myself -- and there are points where I am still not even aware that I am of self-dishonesty.
For instance -- when I allow myself to wonder about a woman -- it is obvious that I am projecting and allowing myself to desire and define what I see and by definition - I react.
But when I am speaking up to somebody -- today it happened when I was speaking to my exgirlfriend - and I was expressing myself about what would mean to take self responsibility -- and then I realised that other 2 beings are listening around me and then it was not obvious that this influenced me -- and after some sentences - I did not give attention to this 'fact' - as it would not be different -- but the deception was not obvious at first -- that @I was considering about how or whom I speak@ - because I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my speak according to whom I speak - instead of being here and constantly me - regardless of whom...
But as I considered this for a moment - it may come reality - but in fact - didnt - so self forgiveness is required to be ensured that this point is clear and make me aware that next time I will be 'seamless' - and trusting myself that when I speak - I speak as to the whole existence as myself as one as equal. Sounds great, but practically how to apply?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider who I must be according to whom I speak.
It should not mean of course that I would say the same to everyone -- but not to fly away when I realize - many listen to me.
Self judgement can occur when I react as - ' ok - to speak is easy - to live ! it's a different story!' - it is separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about I am speaking - instead of realizing that when I am speaking the words as one as equal - the speak is act, the speak is self-expression, the speak is life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the quantity of beings are listening to me - instead of realizing that regardless the number of beings - I am here.
As I previously judged teachers, gurus etc as they are speaking to many beings - and I was defined the 'wise' or 'great' bullshit about these, because there are many-many humans who are intending to listen these people to speak.
The desire arised to speak to many beings? Not speficially, but sometimes yes - because to tell them what I explored, to share who I am, to share what I realized - to see it is real. to see, that am I able to speak of what I experienced - or it is something what I can not express?
In the past there were numberless(hundreds) of experiences what I could not describe well before - and this a bit made me invalidating these - because if I can not put these into words - than how can I be sure that it was real? What 'worthy' was to have these if I am not able to share, if I am not able to bring here?
This 'worth' can be also a trap - what worth? If something I can not speak up, or I rather define it unworthy - then what? I can not deny any moment or prioritize by anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moments according to worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put into words every experience what I defined as 'intense'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any moment is the same intensity as I am here as the awareness of life or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy as intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy as profound, mystic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to describe and define any experience I have - instead of being here and not 'stepping back' or 'looking back' in order to define to be able to define 'another looking backs'.
Because as I do it - a wave occurs within the water - the surface breaks - and it is waving and influences the whole existence! And as I define again - another wave - and wave after wave after wave - I am waving - and nothing else remains but waves of myself - instead of experiencing what is actually here.
---
Breath - morning - thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in the morning as thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as me as moment as me as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I wake up - instead of immediately stop and stand up and act and be here within and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about specific points in order to 'get energetized' to be able to start up as mind consciousness system -- instead of being here as moment as breath as expression without any inner reaction.
This came when I was kid and I was planning the day - when the hardeness I experienced - to move to school early - to be there and to be able to direct myself - but it was not a direct self-direction -- it was indirect and by thoughts and energy - I was merely listening to an idealistic myself what I built up to be able to deceive myself about who I am and what to do and what is this world.
Because of fear, because of fear of failure, because of fear of rejection, because of fear of pain, because fear of horror etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from what I experience or I could experience. Instead of realizing that I experience here - is the consequences of my past deeds, words, thoughts. And if I do not change - these will intensify.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to compute all possible probabilities/variables before I act - to be able to be as a computer what plays chess - - instead of realizing that this is always limited - because it is limited to my perception of the past.
I have to scratch my belly in these days - strange - I can even laugh when I see that I am scratching myself at a bit downer than my bellybutton and mostly on the right side.
Maybe bugbite. Whatever.
I was within the hope of directing something to be done - and I was hoping in others as I have to ask others to make a paper filled with specific datas in order to get a software on half price. And I was hoping that Gy will help but one month passed and she asked also others and they did not do that.
I asked her to offer them around 20 euros but she laughed. Then myself asked others to do so, because I need this more and more to be able to do what I want - according to music.
With Gy - the desire after her really reduced - as I spoke with her and also I had to realize that this was too much how I wanted her -- since then - we met once - it was big fun and great kisses and of course not more.
My exgirlfriend and other people who refer me as friend - are having fun with me when they realize that 'tala still did not fucked with her' - and then I was able to see what this would mean to me.
I mean - the mean of man - hehe
Spoon told me that when he sleeps with a girl, something must happen and I laughed on that, that would be so seriously rigid - but then I came to the understanding why he would be like that.
I never was - I slept with many girls before without even touching them.
Of course many times I experienced that the girls were kind of opened but I was like - if something happens by itself - then let it be but of course rarely happened...
This was like most of the girls are behaving - waiting for the good instead of being self-directive.
Hmm and then with Gy - she obviously did not want to have literal sex with me when we slept together - but in fact I even did not try -- because the 'optimal' would be that both of us are on the same starting point of exploring and expressing without anything.
But when I was playing with her - she was teased, she liked it - but from above - from her head - the statement came icely cold - NO.
So I was like - ok, then if it's like - then no - how would be the whole thing with this kind of attitude? But then the question comes that why I want to have sex with her - even with this situation?
Somehow I still have the hope that with sex maybe she would reconsider to be with me within an agreement - or not directly in an agreement - but within something what can be changed to an angreement - or simply we would expose ourselves and assisting ourselves and each other until it lasts.
So this desire I have to purify as this is kind of manipulation - why and how I want her for what?
I did not see her since one week and she is having big time trouble dealing with time - she is always running of time - cant do her tasks, and having no time for she would like - so rarely we meet -- and I offered her much-much things to do together and she always looks like she is really interested - but very rarely happens something.
The expectation I had to dissolve intensely about her - yet when we met - we were having time as a couple - for some hours and then good bye.
So it was weird - she dealt with me as she even told me - that it is so intense to be with me that it takes the whole of her - a total Gy is required to be able to with me and I asked that why it would be a problem and she said that it is totally different than her job, friends etc and she can not switch this by a breath - so she told me that we could meet on a day when she does not go to work next day.
I stated this as the lack of the equality between ourselves so then I said well - I gave this up and I do not seek her really - but sometimes I did when I was not aware -- and we spoke on phone about a half an hour.
But I realize that this is not really oneness and equality - I even had a moment when I was considering that how I would get her onto the intention to meet with me more often - and after this - I was exposed to myself.
I am sure that I can assist her within her 'time-management/self-direction' but she wants it all alone, she is so stubborn as I was when I was 25.
As long I have inner reaction - this can be assisting - when I am self-honest - but absolute self-honest. When not - then compounding shit will hit me. As once it happened - I was emotionally charged and I felt like fuck the whole world all crap, I wanted to leave this city immediately but I could not - because of the job, lack of money etc.
In fact what would change if we would have sex - not much - one occasion would not make a big difference - but it would be assisting to do this kind of expression with somebody who I can open myself up and also she could do the same - and I found her to be a good one for this - but maybe of previously formed desires. But then the whole thing is compromised and I am fucked if I continue this shit all along until I leave the country.
Also at job place I told to my boss that I would really appreciate a longer vacation - without salary - instead of having absolutely enogh and leaving the company. He was not happy but at least he said he will consider this.
Today with my exgirlfriend were lying on the park under sunshine and there were some rainbow guys and spoke about natural sexual expression and having problem within society and they asked me about the community where I was in Füssen where they are living in matriarchy.
Then they left and with Cica we did big hugs and having fun and peeing and it was big fun to hold her and raise - she was so light as a child.
So some scripting up before end:
-screenplay - many aspects formed already - have to see in written
-I started a text video about breath -push it until it's finished
-work for second
-be absolutely self honest - especially with situations about/with Gy - not be afraid to be direct - if she would step back - then she will do it - but I express and if is too much then it is. Stop desiring after her - the more I desire - the more she slips away. Then the point comes that if I do not seek her - we do not meet - then it should be all right. Here are other woman also if I want to explore sexual expression with somebody who I can be one and equal. Self-direction.
There should be some situations when I must push myself to a direction to avoid suppressions - as I did this before regarding to sex -- simply not being aroused by pictures and sounds - but when I experience this movement inside of me - then let space to it to express without judgement. Stop fearing from what would happen if I sleep with a girl and we do something together. Let's see it and take consequences and be responsible and self honest and forgive and change.
What happened since ten days - I was exploring how to be natural expression without concepts.
These concepts - I built up previously and when I push myself - I can step trough/over these - sometimes not instanteniously, but with a discipline stand - and it still falls -- falls from a perspective that I allow myself to define, I allow myself to
first of all
--listen/take care/consider/obey that what I am experiencing inside of me - and not within the body -- thoughts, feelings, emotions.
it is fascinating to explore how there are situations when I am immediately aware of that I am suppressing/deceiving myself -- and there are points where I am still not even aware that I am of self-dishonesty.
For instance -- when I allow myself to wonder about a woman -- it is obvious that I am projecting and allowing myself to desire and define what I see and by definition - I react.
But when I am speaking up to somebody -- today it happened when I was speaking to my exgirlfriend - and I was expressing myself about what would mean to take self responsibility -- and then I realised that other 2 beings are listening around me and then it was not obvious that this influenced me -- and after some sentences - I did not give attention to this 'fact' - as it would not be different -- but the deception was not obvious at first -- that @I was considering about how or whom I speak@ - because I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my speak according to whom I speak - instead of being here and constantly me - regardless of whom...
But as I considered this for a moment - it may come reality - but in fact - didnt - so self forgiveness is required to be ensured that this point is clear and make me aware that next time I will be 'seamless' - and trusting myself that when I speak - I speak as to the whole existence as myself as one as equal. Sounds great, but practically how to apply?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider who I must be according to whom I speak.
It should not mean of course that I would say the same to everyone -- but not to fly away when I realize - many listen to me.
Self judgement can occur when I react as - ' ok - to speak is easy - to live ! it's a different story!' - it is separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about I am speaking - instead of realizing that when I am speaking the words as one as equal - the speak is act, the speak is self-expression, the speak is life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the quantity of beings are listening to me - instead of realizing that regardless the number of beings - I am here.
As I previously judged teachers, gurus etc as they are speaking to many beings - and I was defined the 'wise' or 'great' bullshit about these, because there are many-many humans who are intending to listen these people to speak.
The desire arised to speak to many beings? Not speficially, but sometimes yes - because to tell them what I explored, to share who I am, to share what I realized - to see it is real. to see, that am I able to speak of what I experienced - or it is something what I can not express?
In the past there were numberless(hundreds) of experiences what I could not describe well before - and this a bit made me invalidating these - because if I can not put these into words - than how can I be sure that it was real? What 'worthy' was to have these if I am not able to share, if I am not able to bring here?
This 'worth' can be also a trap - what worth? If something I can not speak up, or I rather define it unworthy - then what? I can not deny any moment or prioritize by anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moments according to worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put into words every experience what I defined as 'intense'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any moment is the same intensity as I am here as the awareness of life or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy as intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy as profound, mystic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to describe and define any experience I have - instead of being here and not 'stepping back' or 'looking back' in order to define to be able to define 'another looking backs'.
Because as I do it - a wave occurs within the water - the surface breaks - and it is waving and influences the whole existence! And as I define again - another wave - and wave after wave after wave - I am waving - and nothing else remains but waves of myself - instead of experiencing what is actually here.
---
Breath - morning - thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in the morning as thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as me as moment as me as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I wake up - instead of immediately stop and stand up and act and be here within and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about specific points in order to 'get energetized' to be able to start up as mind consciousness system -- instead of being here as moment as breath as expression without any inner reaction.
This came when I was kid and I was planning the day - when the hardeness I experienced - to move to school early - to be there and to be able to direct myself - but it was not a direct self-direction -- it was indirect and by thoughts and energy - I was merely listening to an idealistic myself what I built up to be able to deceive myself about who I am and what to do and what is this world.
Because of fear, because of fear of failure, because of fear of rejection, because of fear of pain, because fear of horror etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from what I experience or I could experience. Instead of realizing that I experience here - is the consequences of my past deeds, words, thoughts. And if I do not change - these will intensify.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to compute all possible probabilities/variables before I act - to be able to be as a computer what plays chess - - instead of realizing that this is always limited - because it is limited to my perception of the past.
I have to scratch my belly in these days - strange - I can even laugh when I see that I am scratching myself at a bit downer than my bellybutton and mostly on the right side.
Maybe bugbite. Whatever.
I was within the hope of directing something to be done - and I was hoping in others as I have to ask others to make a paper filled with specific datas in order to get a software on half price. And I was hoping that Gy will help but one month passed and she asked also others and they did not do that.
I asked her to offer them around 20 euros but she laughed. Then myself asked others to do so, because I need this more and more to be able to do what I want - according to music.
With Gy - the desire after her really reduced - as I spoke with her and also I had to realize that this was too much how I wanted her -- since then - we met once - it was big fun and great kisses and of course not more.
My exgirlfriend and other people who refer me as friend - are having fun with me when they realize that 'tala still did not fucked with her' - and then I was able to see what this would mean to me.
I mean - the mean of man - hehe
Spoon told me that when he sleeps with a girl, something must happen and I laughed on that, that would be so seriously rigid - but then I came to the understanding why he would be like that.
I never was - I slept with many girls before without even touching them.
Of course many times I experienced that the girls were kind of opened but I was like - if something happens by itself - then let it be but of course rarely happened...
This was like most of the girls are behaving - waiting for the good instead of being self-directive.
Hmm and then with Gy - she obviously did not want to have literal sex with me when we slept together - but in fact I even did not try -- because the 'optimal' would be that both of us are on the same starting point of exploring and expressing without anything.
But when I was playing with her - she was teased, she liked it - but from above - from her head - the statement came icely cold - NO.
So I was like - ok, then if it's like - then no - how would be the whole thing with this kind of attitude? But then the question comes that why I want to have sex with her - even with this situation?
Somehow I still have the hope that with sex maybe she would reconsider to be with me within an agreement - or not directly in an agreement - but within something what can be changed to an angreement - or simply we would expose ourselves and assisting ourselves and each other until it lasts.
So this desire I have to purify as this is kind of manipulation - why and how I want her for what?
I did not see her since one week and she is having big time trouble dealing with time - she is always running of time - cant do her tasks, and having no time for she would like - so rarely we meet -- and I offered her much-much things to do together and she always looks like she is really interested - but very rarely happens something.
The expectation I had to dissolve intensely about her - yet when we met - we were having time as a couple - for some hours and then good bye.
So it was weird - she dealt with me as she even told me - that it is so intense to be with me that it takes the whole of her - a total Gy is required to be able to with me and I asked that why it would be a problem and she said that it is totally different than her job, friends etc and she can not switch this by a breath - so she told me that we could meet on a day when she does not go to work next day.
I stated this as the lack of the equality between ourselves so then I said well - I gave this up and I do not seek her really - but sometimes I did when I was not aware -- and we spoke on phone about a half an hour.
But I realize that this is not really oneness and equality - I even had a moment when I was considering that how I would get her onto the intention to meet with me more often - and after this - I was exposed to myself.
I am sure that I can assist her within her 'time-management/self-direction' but she wants it all alone, she is so stubborn as I was when I was 25.
As long I have inner reaction - this can be assisting - when I am self-honest - but absolute self-honest. When not - then compounding shit will hit me. As once it happened - I was emotionally charged and I felt like fuck the whole world all crap, I wanted to leave this city immediately but I could not - because of the job, lack of money etc.
In fact what would change if we would have sex - not much - one occasion would not make a big difference - but it would be assisting to do this kind of expression with somebody who I can open myself up and also she could do the same - and I found her to be a good one for this - but maybe of previously formed desires. But then the whole thing is compromised and I am fucked if I continue this shit all along until I leave the country.
Also at job place I told to my boss that I would really appreciate a longer vacation - without salary - instead of having absolutely enogh and leaving the company. He was not happy but at least he said he will consider this.
Today with my exgirlfriend were lying on the park under sunshine and there were some rainbow guys and spoke about natural sexual expression and having problem within society and they asked me about the community where I was in Füssen where they are living in matriarchy.
Then they left and with Cica we did big hugs and having fun and peeing and it was big fun to hold her and raise - she was so light as a child.
So some scripting up before end:
-screenplay - many aspects formed already - have to see in written
-I started a text video about breath -push it until it's finished
-work for second
-be absolutely self honest - especially with situations about/with Gy - not be afraid to be direct - if she would step back - then she will do it - but I express and if is too much then it is. Stop desiring after her - the more I desire - the more she slips away. Then the point comes that if I do not seek her - we do not meet - then it should be all right. Here are other woman also if I want to explore sexual expression with somebody who I can be one and equal. Self-direction.
There should be some situations when I must push myself to a direction to avoid suppressions - as I did this before regarding to sex -- simply not being aroused by pictures and sounds - but when I experience this movement inside of me - then let space to it to express without judgement. Stop fearing from what would happen if I sleep with a girl and we do something together. Let's see it and take consequences and be responsible and self honest and forgive and change.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
todie or not todie
Ok, it looks like not all desires are related to directly sex - this musical expression is not that one - yet the guy who I play music with - he always says that when we will go to stage - then girls will come continously - that would be an interesting situation - I never had this - however there were occasions when women were interested in me and I felt this and I did not want - but those were not like 'direct strike' - but more subtle, more soft pings they made...
If I would choose, I would prefer a situation with somebody within an agreement one and equal - however I do not want to fuck my mind with the idea of desiring after this - because in fact recently I had to realize - that was a 'desire after relationship' but within a 'pink cloud' - so I had to rid of this whole issue and restart from scratches.
I mean the starting point and the whole meaning of meeting with that particular girl - Gy - who does not like when I call her 'puna'(in hungarian that sounds like a countryside accented pussy) - however she did not wanted anything constant closely with me so I was rehashed my definitionmatrix and I was aware of my own mindfuck.
According to the fact that I had this desire to have sex with her - even when it was of 'emerging both of us into one and equal' to face ourselves -- I was not sure about this would not only an excuse to the 'good old' definition system personality program called 'tala'.
So - work work work - I work, today 2 work I was at - from the office I was in a meeting within that huge marble room in the museum to discuss about a new job - bank payment issue has to be dealt with webservices calls, databases, forms etc - I was not absolutely happy as I will have to work with it quite much -- yet it means extra $$$$.
In fact what work I spent on at the office - is already almost exhausting - so I do not 'have' time for much stuff - and recently about half of it was taken by this 'second job' at home.
This does not bring much money - but some yes - and it would be handy if the main job at the office would be stopped - but it would not be enough even for 'surviving'...
For reference - if I would like to move on - along with the bullshit so called 'carrier' - I am assuming that this will worth - as almost 2 years I already spent at this huge company, international team, leading edge technologies etc - and those 3 other job experiences before this - what were not too long, but in fact the project experience in years counts - so I am considering to write a new CV and send it over for some dozens of headhunters - even in London.
I will get soon a SIM card from UK what will make me somebody who are likely in the UK already...Ex livingmate, Niz lives there actually and he also committed his lifespan to making music within the electronic dance music scene - and it was already proven multiple times that when we would live together - that would be quite fruity.
So this was considered well - act will follow this soon.
Also huge possibilities opened today - however much things will be tested out - also related to desires and issues what I avoided before - in order to procastinate to face with and as myself - but not anymore -- for instance this desire after girl, sex - or using excuse that I do not have very great technical stuffs to make the best music -- not anymore, as almost everything what I ever desired about to make music - is here.
So on hardware level everything is in it's place - the heart of the studio - the music editing tool program is just coming --since elementary school I did not pay for software - but this will worth it - I mean I am in a situation such as somebody from the west - to have these things - heaven of making music - so I will start with rehashing the already halfmade projects and making them sounding very intense and nasty and finish them with some great synth sounds and then moving on - much much I would like to express trough music...
To be aware to not be subjective - 'subjectiate' Gy when we speak - she is me as one as equal - and no desire - as it of separation -- no refuse or becoming shielded - as this would signify dishonesty --
And as the urge still can come up to find a way to have sex/orgasm - I assume that much I have to express and release...
I would like also do do things what I can not because all day I work -- so this takes too much -- I am working on solution...
Self direction - breath breath breath
no compromise, no fear, no hesitation - no inner echoing, no past based definition reaction
If I would choose, I would prefer a situation with somebody within an agreement one and equal - however I do not want to fuck my mind with the idea of desiring after this - because in fact recently I had to realize - that was a 'desire after relationship' but within a 'pink cloud' - so I had to rid of this whole issue and restart from scratches.
I mean the starting point and the whole meaning of meeting with that particular girl - Gy - who does not like when I call her 'puna'(in hungarian that sounds like a countryside accented pussy) - however she did not wanted anything constant closely with me so I was rehashed my definitionmatrix and I was aware of my own mindfuck.
According to the fact that I had this desire to have sex with her - even when it was of 'emerging both of us into one and equal' to face ourselves -- I was not sure about this would not only an excuse to the 'good old' definition system personality program called 'tala'.
So - work work work - I work, today 2 work I was at - from the office I was in a meeting within that huge marble room in the museum to discuss about a new job - bank payment issue has to be dealt with webservices calls, databases, forms etc - I was not absolutely happy as I will have to work with it quite much -- yet it means extra $$$$.
In fact what work I spent on at the office - is already almost exhausting - so I do not 'have' time for much stuff - and recently about half of it was taken by this 'second job' at home.
This does not bring much money - but some yes - and it would be handy if the main job at the office would be stopped - but it would not be enough even for 'surviving'...
For reference - if I would like to move on - along with the bullshit so called 'carrier' - I am assuming that this will worth - as almost 2 years I already spent at this huge company, international team, leading edge technologies etc - and those 3 other job experiences before this - what were not too long, but in fact the project experience in years counts - so I am considering to write a new CV and send it over for some dozens of headhunters - even in London.
I will get soon a SIM card from UK what will make me somebody who are likely in the UK already...Ex livingmate, Niz lives there actually and he also committed his lifespan to making music within the electronic dance music scene - and it was already proven multiple times that when we would live together - that would be quite fruity.
So this was considered well - act will follow this soon.
Also huge possibilities opened today - however much things will be tested out - also related to desires and issues what I avoided before - in order to procastinate to face with and as myself - but not anymore -- for instance this desire after girl, sex - or using excuse that I do not have very great technical stuffs to make the best music -- not anymore, as almost everything what I ever desired about to make music - is here.
So on hardware level everything is in it's place - the heart of the studio - the music editing tool program is just coming --since elementary school I did not pay for software - but this will worth it - I mean I am in a situation such as somebody from the west - to have these things - heaven of making music - so I will start with rehashing the already halfmade projects and making them sounding very intense and nasty and finish them with some great synth sounds and then moving on - much much I would like to express trough music...
To be aware to not be subjective - 'subjectiate' Gy when we speak - she is me as one as equal - and no desire - as it of separation -- no refuse or becoming shielded - as this would signify dishonesty --
And as the urge still can come up to find a way to have sex/orgasm - I assume that much I have to express and release...
I would like also do do things what I can not because all day I work -- so this takes too much -- I am working on solution...
Self direction - breath breath breath
no compromise, no fear, no hesitation - no inner echoing, no past based definition reaction
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
why this daily
Looks like all my desires has this sexual origin - tomorrow I will explore what desires I allow and how are related to sex.
Sexual release, sexual pleasure, sexual energy, sexual fuck knows what:)
As today I allowed myself to get extensively aroused - I had to realize that it can go forward quite more and in fact it is not real - and that's why I do not give myself 'into it' but I fight against it -- because then I would realize - none of it was real -- so as I suppress and compound -- I am directed - instead of taking self responsibility and stop -- and start exploring living -- without ideas, compromise and illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get aroused by pictures and sounds - instead of remain here as real as the physical as breath.
Breath directly, breath continously, breath physically, breath real.
Tomorrow I push breath further more - when I experience this limitedness - breath!
Today as I told to my workmate that with Gy we are having quite a distance - he said I am blaming for her instead of realizing myself.. It was ironic and he was absolutely right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Gy about what I experience - instead of realizing that this is what I am doing for myself and for her and broadcasting this separational delusion as one as equal - instead of stopping and forgiving and releasing and changing.
I am curious but in fact I should fear from exposing myself - but then the change would be inevitable. This is what I am going to do.
Also with Gy - I felt like I was not able to express myself - but then I would ask that what I would like to talk in order to influence her?
This fear of manipulating people would be here when I would manipulate people - so probably I do -- let's explore this also tomorrow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am manipulating people according to my desires.
I did not drink any tea today as yesterday planned, and in fact I was sleepy.
Shit fuck, the job was slowly moving and I was wondered again how about to change this situation around me - - change me!
Sexual release, sexual pleasure, sexual energy, sexual fuck knows what:)
As today I allowed myself to get extensively aroused - I had to realize that it can go forward quite more and in fact it is not real - and that's why I do not give myself 'into it' but I fight against it -- because then I would realize - none of it was real -- so as I suppress and compound -- I am directed - instead of taking self responsibility and stop -- and start exploring living -- without ideas, compromise and illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get aroused by pictures and sounds - instead of remain here as real as the physical as breath.
Breath directly, breath continously, breath physically, breath real.
Tomorrow I push breath further more - when I experience this limitedness - breath!
Today as I told to my workmate that with Gy we are having quite a distance - he said I am blaming for her instead of realizing myself.. It was ironic and he was absolutely right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Gy about what I experience - instead of realizing that this is what I am doing for myself and for her and broadcasting this separational delusion as one as equal - instead of stopping and forgiving and releasing and changing.
I am curious but in fact I should fear from exposing myself - but then the change would be inevitable. This is what I am going to do.
Also with Gy - I felt like I was not able to express myself - but then I would ask that what I would like to talk in order to influence her?
This fear of manipulating people would be here when I would manipulate people - so probably I do -- let's explore this also tomorrow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am manipulating people according to my desires.
I did not drink any tea today as yesterday planned, and in fact I was sleepy.
Shit fuck, the job was slowly moving and I was wondered again how about to change this situation around me - - change me!
Monday, September 21, 2009
purify A
Today I became aware of that one and half month no sex changed me a little. Ok, there was some sort of sexual engagements - but as at the office some guys can refer to it - there was no 'happy finish'.
So I was wondered about how long it would take, but in fact I had no idea - I wanted to do this 3 weeks dare - and after that I had no hurry - yet I managed to arouse myself several times but then I was able to stop - and it was at the border of suppressing it but in fact the expression was to not be addicted to orgasm and it was done. However, on friday maybe, it just happened that I touched myself and it was kind of self expression - was no plan, no image, I explored myself and then this experience came and then for a moment I was totally naked - not physically only but absolutely.
Interesting experience, in fact I started to wonder about how it was and then I had this urge to continue this sexual experience - but I assume that was kind of a rush after this kind of experience and that was not really self-expression -- hm I correct this: I revealed to myself again - how about I run into experiences what are not really last and not even so fascinating - as they were before...
So interesting - this was done and then I had to realize that I built up a belief that after I had orgasm, there would be around 3 days to regain a kind of energy level and by this I was able to blame myself about why I am not 'aware enough' to things, to surroundings, or even about myself!
And basically this was a big bullshit, and I knew it before, but after this expression - it became quite clear that this belief manifested only when I was wondered about it - when I was alone or I was about to strengthen this within me by energetic participation such as thoughts.
I became aware that I used to be with specific people sometimes to divert my attention from my belief - so I was escaping from my own illusion...
Interesting - and when I try to hold this belief right here - it is not real - it is not here - it comes from that fact that there were times when I had sex (masturbation/engage with a woman) that I was really tired and then I had to 'regerenate'. This regeneration was necessary becase I was using energy, instead of self expression I was -- so the energy came and went by - and I was a slave of it.
But not anymore.
This sexual desire was quite built up within me yet I did not wanted to release because I wanted to bring myself into a situation when this should come naturally...
Sometimes I was so aroused when I was with Gy that even physical pain emerged - and she after a point always stopped me so I had no chance - in fact I would have, but I wanted this specific point to compound.
I write this but so many times I was not aware of this - I was so directed, I felt myself as a peasant on the chessboard and sometimes I felt myself as the leader(queen) on the black/white board - but in fact all figures are me...
Fascinating...
And now - after some days - I have no urge to have sexual experience - yet I would have the tendency..yes I see one point - today I observed really some girl's body - and I wanted to grasp some kind of inner reaction and not much was...
Ok let's clear these more...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy as defining woman's body as sexy, as arousing, as possible sexual content -instead of realizing that the joy is already me - but I am not aware of the joy of the presence of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to the definitions of joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize woman physical bodies according to my ideas of being nice or not - not realizing that this is of polarity manifestation of energy of mind - not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after a good shaped woman body who with I can play sexual games - because I've defined it as great - according to the norms of programmed society.
So
At this moment let's write my issues:
-I decided to go trough all the hungarian words and collect all associations and forgiving them to be aware and stop reacing as a robot. - this I want continously but somehow I did not manage to do so -- every day it should happen even only for ten minutes - but continously push this point because it would assist much...
-Get cubase right here - not wait for Gy to have that paper what is required to get that software - I can count only myself if I want something really - I am here - I express - I direct. Since 3 weeks she did not managed it - I go on.
-I had this emotional burst towards her when I was like fed up with this issues according to her and I told her that if nothing goes more closely - such as agreement or direct, stable, trustable support between us - then it would worth nothing, so I was seriously questioned the worth of our meetings - and she felt bad because she felt that I would just throw her away if something does not happen what I want, and it made a great distance between us but it's all right - I mean - she decided something, I also - and here is the consequences... Do we learn/change? Will see...
What I see that I was not absolutely clear on this - and she is absolutely not able to engage into an agreement - yet I was in the hope that somehow I can influence her or she would consider this as support - but not and then that's it lol.
- Job issue - I was considering to make some CV-s and send over to London - will try - I am having this 'I would move on' experience - and also I would like to start to plan to visit SA farm - will see... first let's have some amount and then I would be more 'free' to decide what to direct myself into and as...
-I am considering also to get this camera to be mine what would be a great begining towards to filming - but also it would cost a lot - but it is quite cheap - related to what it could do -- will see.
Writing obviously makes me stable - - or more precisely: by writing I am stabilizing myself - and I am opening myself and I am directing myself.
Interesting observation I had today - on mondays I am less tired/sleepy than on the other days -- somehow I am not 'used to working intensely' to get tired - yet as I am stopped drinking coffee since 2 months - it started to be the 21 days and I still did not wanted to drink - so some 'weak' teas I drink but those are not really boosting me - however I am able to work all day along...
Tomorrow I will test to not drink tea and will see about 'am I tired?'...
Also I would like to continue my screenplay - much are in quite stable shape within my head and I am aware that much time I would need to refine it on paper, the conversations, the situations and the entire flow of happenings, the storyline and the actor's beats, changes, challenges -- it is like describing something into reality.
This screenplay work would assist me in all ways - but then I have to do it regularly - as this blog - I want to write every day...some stories - some mementos as well...
So I was wondered about how long it would take, but in fact I had no idea - I wanted to do this 3 weeks dare - and after that I had no hurry - yet I managed to arouse myself several times but then I was able to stop - and it was at the border of suppressing it but in fact the expression was to not be addicted to orgasm and it was done. However, on friday maybe, it just happened that I touched myself and it was kind of self expression - was no plan, no image, I explored myself and then this experience came and then for a moment I was totally naked - not physically only but absolutely.
Interesting experience, in fact I started to wonder about how it was and then I had this urge to continue this sexual experience - but I assume that was kind of a rush after this kind of experience and that was not really self-expression -- hm I correct this: I revealed to myself again - how about I run into experiences what are not really last and not even so fascinating - as they were before...
So interesting - this was done and then I had to realize that I built up a belief that after I had orgasm, there would be around 3 days to regain a kind of energy level and by this I was able to blame myself about why I am not 'aware enough' to things, to surroundings, or even about myself!
And basically this was a big bullshit, and I knew it before, but after this expression - it became quite clear that this belief manifested only when I was wondered about it - when I was alone or I was about to strengthen this within me by energetic participation such as thoughts.
I became aware that I used to be with specific people sometimes to divert my attention from my belief - so I was escaping from my own illusion...
Interesting - and when I try to hold this belief right here - it is not real - it is not here - it comes from that fact that there were times when I had sex (masturbation/engage with a woman) that I was really tired and then I had to 'regerenate'. This regeneration was necessary becase I was using energy, instead of self expression I was -- so the energy came and went by - and I was a slave of it.
But not anymore.
This sexual desire was quite built up within me yet I did not wanted to release because I wanted to bring myself into a situation when this should come naturally...
Sometimes I was so aroused when I was with Gy that even physical pain emerged - and she after a point always stopped me so I had no chance - in fact I would have, but I wanted this specific point to compound.
I write this but so many times I was not aware of this - I was so directed, I felt myself as a peasant on the chessboard and sometimes I felt myself as the leader(queen) on the black/white board - but in fact all figures are me...
Fascinating...
And now - after some days - I have no urge to have sexual experience - yet I would have the tendency..yes I see one point - today I observed really some girl's body - and I wanted to grasp some kind of inner reaction and not much was...
Ok let's clear these more...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy as defining woman's body as sexy, as arousing, as possible sexual content -instead of realizing that the joy is already me - but I am not aware of the joy of the presence of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to the definitions of joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize woman physical bodies according to my ideas of being nice or not - not realizing that this is of polarity manifestation of energy of mind - not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after a good shaped woman body who with I can play sexual games - because I've defined it as great - according to the norms of programmed society.
So
At this moment let's write my issues:
-I decided to go trough all the hungarian words and collect all associations and forgiving them to be aware and stop reacing as a robot. - this I want continously but somehow I did not manage to do so -- every day it should happen even only for ten minutes - but continously push this point because it would assist much...
-Get cubase right here - not wait for Gy to have that paper what is required to get that software - I can count only myself if I want something really - I am here - I express - I direct. Since 3 weeks she did not managed it - I go on.
-I had this emotional burst towards her when I was like fed up with this issues according to her and I told her that if nothing goes more closely - such as agreement or direct, stable, trustable support between us - then it would worth nothing, so I was seriously questioned the worth of our meetings - and she felt bad because she felt that I would just throw her away if something does not happen what I want, and it made a great distance between us but it's all right - I mean - she decided something, I also - and here is the consequences... Do we learn/change? Will see...
What I see that I was not absolutely clear on this - and she is absolutely not able to engage into an agreement - yet I was in the hope that somehow I can influence her or she would consider this as support - but not and then that's it lol.
- Job issue - I was considering to make some CV-s and send over to London - will try - I am having this 'I would move on' experience - and also I would like to start to plan to visit SA farm - will see... first let's have some amount and then I would be more 'free' to decide what to direct myself into and as...
-I am considering also to get this camera to be mine what would be a great begining towards to filming - but also it would cost a lot - but it is quite cheap - related to what it could do -- will see.
Writing obviously makes me stable - - or more precisely: by writing I am stabilizing myself - and I am opening myself and I am directing myself.
Interesting observation I had today - on mondays I am less tired/sleepy than on the other days -- somehow I am not 'used to working intensely' to get tired - yet as I am stopped drinking coffee since 2 months - it started to be the 21 days and I still did not wanted to drink - so some 'weak' teas I drink but those are not really boosting me - however I am able to work all day along...
Tomorrow I will test to not drink tea and will see about 'am I tired?'...
Also I would like to continue my screenplay - much are in quite stable shape within my head and I am aware that much time I would need to refine it on paper, the conversations, the situations and the entire flow of happenings, the storyline and the actor's beats, changes, challenges -- it is like describing something into reality.
This screenplay work would assist me in all ways - but then I have to do it regularly - as this blog - I want to write every day...some stories - some mementos as well...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
self forgiveness on definitions etc
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to express myself because of hope and lack of self trust in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the lack of awareness of and as breath expression - shows that I am not here - I am not inner silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try living by excuses and justifications about why I am accepting myself as thinking - instead of acting immediately and not allowing myself to wheel up within myself with thoughts, emotions feelings.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not expressing out myself within every moment as who I am inside - I am compounding the tension/stress within myself - and then I am becoming an atombomb what is preparing to explode -- instead of expressing myself and releasing the ideas of how to perceive and act.
I forgive myself that I have defined myself somebody who can have everything or nothing - played out and controlled by extreme polarities - and limiting myself to these as I am black or I am white - instead of being aware of how I participate within such definitions and forgiving and releasing them - remaining inner silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define myself according to sex or according to the lack of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define good to suppress sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to emotionally manipulate beings around me in order to have what I want - instead of being direct and trust self as moment as breath expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think while I am reading - instead of realizing how I defined reading as thinking - and stopping it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am gonna be tired if I do something.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am going to be tired if I am thinking.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that as I am 'moving into the mind' - I am becoming a programmed robot - as I am not here as the physical - but I am within and as this mind program and perceiving everything trough the lens of definitions, laws, regulations-- then I am not here, I am not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within desire - I am desiring after what is already here - so within the act of desire - the act of realizing how and why I separated myself from what I desire for. It can be girl, sex, object or any idea what I do not experience but I want to.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally let go of the past - letting go who I was, who I defined myself to be here, and be the expression of moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to express myself because of hope and lack of self trust in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the lack of awareness of and as breath expression - shows that I am not here - I am not inner silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try living by excuses and justifications about why I am accepting myself as thinking - instead of acting immediately and not allowing myself to wheel up within myself with thoughts, emotions feelings.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not expressing out myself within every moment as who I am inside - I am compounding the tension/stress within myself - and then I am becoming an atombomb what is preparing to explode -- instead of expressing myself and releasing the ideas of how to perceive and act.
I forgive myself that I have defined myself somebody who can have everything or nothing - played out and controlled by extreme polarities - and limiting myself to these as I am black or I am white - instead of being aware of how I participate within such definitions and forgiving and releasing them - remaining inner silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define myself according to sex or according to the lack of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define good to suppress sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to emotionally manipulate beings around me in order to have what I want - instead of being direct and trust self as moment as breath expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think while I am reading - instead of realizing how I defined reading as thinking - and stopping it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am gonna be tired if I do something.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am going to be tired if I am thinking.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that as I am 'moving into the mind' - I am becoming a programmed robot - as I am not here as the physical - but I am within and as this mind program and perceiving everything trough the lens of definitions, laws, regulations-- then I am not here, I am not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within desire - I am desiring after what is already here - so within the act of desire - the act of realizing how and why I separated myself from what I desire for. It can be girl, sex, object or any idea what I do not experience but I want to.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally let go of the past - letting go who I was, who I defined myself to be here, and be the expression of moment as breath.
Distinguish between saying and acting
I explain how to distinguish between seeing and pretending and actual supporting self realisation -- according to words.
The key is self honesty. Without self honesty - it is pretending and nothing changes but then excuses will arise and self-deception manifests according to specific dishonesties.
I mean if I am saying that - I am already an unified man - if I am self honest, If I am able to be here - without compromise, without judgement, opinion, idea, definition - I am experiencing what is here as it is. And then I am able to see what must be done - regarding to the expression of 'I am already an unified man'. Because I precisely see what has to be released, removed entirely - to be this self-honest unified man --- yet I am this already - because I experience everything of me as me - but within my expression I see the dishonesty.
Without self-honesty:
-I do not see dishonesty directly as it is
-I do not express myself as the releasing of dishonesties - because of several type of excuses what can be derived to one: self-dishonesty - fear - self-definition.(for instance belief in ascension, or blaming others etc - or simply I am not seeing that my expression is dishonest because of of instance 'I have to survive', or 'I need some joy/entertainment' or 'love is real'-type bullshits)
-I use the words not as one as equal, but I use words as a shield - to protect me from myself and from others - to be able to remain within the world of self-definition...
With self-honesty:
-I am aware of the dishonesty, and I push myself right here to explore what it is - who I am - who I became - and what must be done - and acting immediately to express self as real change - as self forgiveness, as physical expression of who I really am as the unification of man.
--
This issue came up when I was speaking with Gy over the phone and she told me that I speak much things what I am not -- so it is practical to explore what she would ment on it or what this would imply on a person - regarding to personas.
The key is self honesty. Without self honesty - it is pretending and nothing changes but then excuses will arise and self-deception manifests according to specific dishonesties.
I mean if I am saying that - I am already an unified man - if I am self honest, If I am able to be here - without compromise, without judgement, opinion, idea, definition - I am experiencing what is here as it is. And then I am able to see what must be done - regarding to the expression of 'I am already an unified man'. Because I precisely see what has to be released, removed entirely - to be this self-honest unified man --- yet I am this already - because I experience everything of me as me - but within my expression I see the dishonesty.
Without self-honesty:
-I do not see dishonesty directly as it is
-I do not express myself as the releasing of dishonesties - because of several type of excuses what can be derived to one: self-dishonesty - fear - self-definition.(for instance belief in ascension, or blaming others etc - or simply I am not seeing that my expression is dishonest because of of instance 'I have to survive', or 'I need some joy/entertainment' or 'love is real'-type bullshits)
-I use the words not as one as equal, but I use words as a shield - to protect me from myself and from others - to be able to remain within the world of self-definition...
With self-honesty:
-I am aware of the dishonesty, and I push myself right here to explore what it is - who I am - who I became - and what must be done - and acting immediately to express self as real change - as self forgiveness, as physical expression of who I really am as the unification of man.
--
This issue came up when I was speaking with Gy over the phone and she told me that I speak much things what I am not -- so it is practical to explore what she would ment on it or what this would imply on a person - regarding to personas.
write every day
It would be assisting to write every day - every single day - to support self stabilization and becoming aware of still accepting and allowing dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to write myself unconditionally as one as equal here as self expression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I postpone the writing - then I postpone my expression - one and equal - and within this - I try to postpone myself - and this is simply self-dishonesty. I stop this.
I write - let's see - Am I capable of directing myself to write every single day?
dare dare dare dare dare
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to write myself unconditionally as one as equal here as self expression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I postpone the writing - then I postpone my expression - one and equal - and within this - I try to postpone myself - and this is simply self-dishonesty. I stop this.
I write - let's see - Am I capable of directing myself to write every single day?
dare dare dare dare dare
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