Thursday, September 18, 2014

[JTL Day 203] Tiredness vs Awareness part 3 - Motivation

Continuing with walking through the tiredness as decomposing, forgiving, stopping, re-creating myself word by word and assist and support myself for breathe/act/live the change as equal as one.
So as I was investigating my existence when I was in a flu at the weekend- which is kind of a catalyst in terms of intensities of self, especially with the fact that I was not 'working' but had to rest quite some.

It was fascinating to see through the layers of the mind - as mostly I am quite busy, always doing things until the point of exhaustion, tiredness.(It's related to inconsistency and lack of self-knowing, but it is for now an other topic to write about). Right now in this moment so much thing coming up, thus I take some breathes to remain here, directive, present without losing focus from all the memories, insights I want to write and share.

Alright. So the first thing comes up is motivation. It is like a 'pilot light' there is this beingness within me and with motivation can grow to a bonfire and easily to a firestorm wherein it is too much and burns all around too soon and then shrinks back again into this tiny little flame again.

Motivation is the blood, the petrol of my fire to melt down and boil up the ice holding me back and when I am out of it I am: tired.

Fascinatingly enough I've been successfully separated myself from the very idea/meaning and actualization of this word: motivation by making it conditional/literally limiting it to circumstances/events/experiences and thus my very expression I've given permission to prevent being consistent, unconditional, permanent.

Giving a couple of experiences when regardless of how much I've slept - I woke up like this: sleeping sleeping sleeping ...awaken....opening my eyes - YES - I am here again - then jumping out of bed and rushing for doing the thing I was motivated about.

In fact does not matter much anymore what was the thing I was motivated to do, but just for practical examples I list a couple ones, also noting some self-definition as 'spice'

-Playing Halflife computer game at the university - the storyline, the game play, the experience, the whole stimulation and feeling I had meanwhile - just motivated me to play through as consistently as I could, in a way totally living in the game without needing to leave it for my real living(I really did this with many dozen games already, but this one was specifically intense, around 1999).
-Facing the final exam at university thus eventually being free of it - the excitement of uncertainty of success, the stimulation for approximating the literally unknown etc
-To wake up meeting my girl to make love, mixing up sexual desire with fascination with the being
-Waking up for a sunrise to take pictures/videos at a cool location, wanting to explore the virginity of the first moments of the day with my awesome hi-tech gear for perfecting my skills, for share with others, for 'enjoyment'

Okay see - it is quite 'personal' so to speak - I've defined myself so and thus I reap what I sow - ENERGY - so when I am motivated, it's like the jolly joker to beat tiredness - I don't care, I am shining through so to speak - it's bearable, it's like weather - shouldn't and thus doesn't influence my day.

Tonight I've noticed this flaming again - tomorrow for a filming job, I will buy the fastest compact flash card available in the market, making the amount of recordable video doubled as I am capable today in one session, faster, more smoothly.

I am motivated to go to work because at lunchtime I will go to the mall and pay for it and most of the money is covered by the actual 'work' I make with video - it's like I am right on track for accumulating a dream coming true.(I go into the details as reveals the whole scenario more clearly).

Here I must distinguish from obsession from motivation as for instance when I was dopesmoker, I was so eager to jump out from the bed, eat some(just for the high not being about realizing/solving hunger) and get violently stoned as soon as possible - and that was also kind of motivation - later on I was doing things while stoned, but it was the important aspect of waking up motivated for sure.
I just wanted to bring some of my current life's 'motivations' I decide to correct as I see the self-interest emerging - not as buying a flash card is selfish but if I have energy, reaction, attachment - I am not fully here as self, but of and as ideas of consciousness systems. This is the eye of the needle, no compromise within the starting point of absolute self-honesty - to ensure nothing motivates me automatically, even if that automation was created, programmed, given permission to by me.

So even the very definition of -motivation- can be literally of anything, thus the human energetic organic robot is quite a specific one in terms of it's wide variety of programmability, but in it's essence - it's all the same, just the pictures, definitions are different among individuals.

Alright - so all I wanted to point out is that the very motivation I had/have is still mostly about my desires - with starting Process, and long before, I had the idea of motivation being to benefit all beings, all beings equally, but that still rarely being lived out IN ACTION.

As many people as well probably can refer to it - almost each and every single pageant talks about 'world peace' and actually most of the human individuals would want to have a better world IN THEORY - but to actually do something about it is so rare and in the jungle of personalities of our mind's weaved self-interest we barely are able to fulfill our own desires.

Especially when one would want to act according to what is best for all - even to find out what that would mean one can face extreme amount of layers/systems/reactions and then to reach the point of actual realization of what would really impact for all beings - such realization as the money point in this human system - towards the actual, practical, doable plan on how exactly, specifically could that be manifested: and then facing one's reaction to that amount of change, work and effort required to manifest - depends on and influences: MOTIVATION.

So in a way - motivation is also a construct, especially if separated from self, from direct self-expression - when it is self-defined, conditional, limited - can support through only a certain amount of resistance/tiredness - from the mind( - still not of physical fatigue).

Tiredness is a concept, an idea which is like a nest, a self-weaved mind-creation with which one can say to self and others: well, I am pretty much tired to a certain degree that I can't really move anymore effectively.

Moving, meaning realizing, changing, expanding, really living.

Most of the mothers can relate with this I guess - in the early morning the baby cries and one wakes up to feed, to care, to support - and can overcome so much experience of tiredness, however many can still be influenced, dragged down with the experience of tiredness.

As I was observing my own experiences recently while having the flu - I had some headache, I was in the bed, I just had a long nap, I was so tired - and I was just recognizing that actually I was listening to thoughts -

'Well, maybe I am this much tired, because now my body is fighting the illness, so I am exhausted, I need to sleep more'.

Thus I slept more - and I was more tired!

I was like wtf is going on, I do sure rest, I am all the rest I can have, but still I barely can jump out from the bed and drink water - which might be required for not feeling that tired.

So then I was experiencing this thought-hive in my mind for a while when in fact I was a bit 'energetic' - in a way like stimulated up with these thought-patterns/reactions to them with polarity/friction so then I stood up and started to move.

And I was starting to move, step by step, started to breath one after another - my head was cleaning out, my tiredness started to fade slowly but surely.

And then I figured out - I need food, I need drink, I need to dis-wash, I WANT to do something, still I am 'officially sick', thus having the excuse for all day doing nothing - I want to make use of this day too somehow. That was a moment of motivation.


Without wanting I was nothing but restless tiredness

With wanting I overcome tiredness.

I had to believe what I want is important, what I want to do, I am able to, and is cool for me.

At the moment of starting to move, I had no idea - just I trusted I can do - anyway it's all I ever can have - self-trust in when and what I want and with that motivation to actually live that out.

Also in a sense I had the impression that with accepting the fact I am now sick I do not need and actually don't want to do anything particular because thus I can rest and recover faster, thus I just let myself to rest and sleep as much as I can so then hopefully soon I can be able to return to my usual 'me' of eager to do things all the time - when not being tired.

So within all of losing myself in the deep experience of tiredness deliberately - I had a motivation behind it - to recover faster.

So it is just fascinating to investigate how and why I experience what I allow me to influence/direct me.

Also to observe babies/tiny kids - they do not freaking reason like this while learning to move, walk, talk - they just DO - direct motivation to LIVE.

After all it is being programmed to pick up the same strategies as other humans around them but in the beginning it's obviously much more direct/effective/practical how they - as we also were - motivated to learn and expand - without reasons, without excuses, without concept, being undefined, yet being oneself - I want to walk, I learn to walk, I do walk. Simple.

I see/realize/understand that I do not have any option in this but to totally decompose/forgive/stop all motivations I have and literally re-define/re-create/re-birth myself with a motivation as equal as one with self, in equality and oneness with all what is here as response-able, as direct as possible.

Even the concept of 'beating tiredness' indicates polarity/opposition/friction/conflict thus it's a trap.

The holistic, unifying, embracing, transcending solution is to specifically purify and let go each and every single definition/reaction/judgement/identification with tiredness and PREVENT myself participating within it before needing to experience inner friction, lack of energy or motivation.

I mean it is obvious that most of the humans has some interest for wanting to do - money/sex/power, just to name some - or experience itself in it's multifaceted overrated fact of self-separation for our - certainly unique - affection for it.

I am not here to judge how false would be to wake up each day with the motivation for making more billions than yesterday in the sadistic altar of greed but it's impact is deliberately rippling through the whole existence with it's physical consequence.

But hey - how more false to be motivated with our own little bubble of experience of existence only in the charming spell of apparent free will to have our own decision within who and what we are while disregarding a whole world of consequence.

To aim the absolute with motivation is so uneasy by minds of clouded with tiredness while in fact for this poison it is also the remedy: being tired from this existence as being motivated for it's change!

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have given permission to motivation to be automatically be triggered within my mind and me reacting with energy and with that energy opposing, fighting, balancing, overcoming tiredness and not being aware of how and why in fact my starting point within and as my mind is tiredness, lack of energy, no motivation, no movement by myself directly but always needing something to stimulate/influence/direct me and this whole mechanism, conditions, rules, acceptances and starting point defining it as me, as who I am without stopping, breathing here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be separated with the word motivation, with the word's meaning, with my relationships, definitions of motivation and allow to be triggered and influenced by the polarity-based positive or negative energetic experiences to literally motivate me instead of me being here directly the living expression of and as MOTIVATION as SELF HERE.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be tired and wanting something to energize me up from this state of tiredness because within that I don't move, I can't move, I am not movement because there is no motivation and not realizing that thus who I define myself to be as movement is of conditions, not direct, not consistent, not self-honest, in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself tiredness as lack of energy as the reason and justification for not moving and to use it for myself or to others as 'that is why I do/did/won't act, because I am tired, exhausted' meanwhile I do not motivate myself in fact about that and using tiredness as separated energetic experience as excuse for not take responsibility for what I decide and what I act as equal as one as myself here in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can motivate myself to walk out from the mind to not need energy, to not need to beat tiredness, to not need to have conflict within me to have friction and tension and by that energizing my mind up to then being stimulated to move within and as me and perceiving that as myself and thus believing that what I mind tell me, make me feel is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the original tiredness I experience when I do not have motivation is who I allowed myself to be manifested in my mind as the layers of self-separation, the consent given to systematic personality behaviors, personalities to automatically judge and define, react and energize or stop energizing me and thus direct my life and defining it as who I am and defining this mechanism as life and accepting it within me and others without stopping and questioning and considering the solution as it would be stop reacting, stop being motivated by separate definition from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stimulated when I am able to get camera gear because of the energetic experience of excitement, of hope of I will be able to do things I could not before and as imagining myself doing what I plan/desire/hope for with this gear - already having this energy within me and allowing me to influence me to motivate me to go and get the gear and in moments not considering reality/priorities/common sense, just allowing this feeling to overwhelm me and not seeing/realizing/understanding that I can plan and consider all factors here and still manage to get the gear but with this energetic excitement it feels more interesting, I feel more alive and not realizing that these are feelings, not direct self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to unconsciously be driven and influenced by feelings, feeling positive, while disregarding what is here, breath, principle, reality for moments, minutes while 'flying' in my mind and not seeing how it is of self-interest which is not self-direction, thus accumulating consequence of being programmed to automatize myself based on feelings, even when it is not practical, best for me and all equally, because reacting to feelings, what are coming up automatically, as trusting feelings, as revealing not trusting myself directly here as breath, as presence, as self unified.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can motivate myself with principled living to walk through and beyond my mind, definitions, reactions and bring myself to a physical birth to be here in all moments equally and live this principle to what would be the practical action for what is best for all and to motivate myself to let go self-interest, energy, but accumulate stability, consistency by always stopping myself to be automatically excited, driven, influenced and see the starting point, explore the reason of fear from living self directly here and forgiving it as myself immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what motivates me and automatically react with positive feelings/excitement/hope/energy and not seeing/realizing/understanding the reason in the first place for that motivation to give permission to move within and as me.

That's all around tiredness from a perspective of motivation for today, will be continued with further self-forgiveness and of motivation!

Thank you very much

Saturday, September 13, 2014

[JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2

Continuing on the decomposing of the mind-states of tiredness...
For starter: If one wants to be free of excessive tiredness and sleep-deprivation experiences, I suggest to read aloud the following Self-forgiveness statements for realizations about tiredness:
What can be difficult to realize that tiredness is just an idea in the mind - yet there is a point when the body needs to rest, that is another kind - this tiredness is coming from the mind - and that tiredness is not related to physical, it is layered into and as the personality of the mind, the thought patterns, the energetic dynamics of consciousness systems of what one is accepting self to exist within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to tiredness, as tiredness, as 'I am tired' and meaning it as in and as my mind feel this experience of not having enough energy, feeling lack of energy, feeling difficult to focus, remain present, effective, directive and defining it as a trigger point for getting energy, getting energized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a dictionary in my mind ready to be triggered about the categories, experiences, situations in regarding to tiredness and whenever having the thought of 'I am tired' - automatically believing it as truth, reality, fact and not being aware that it is just a thought, a self-definition sentence with the word tiredness, and if I use it as how I am, I am becoming my thought without questioning it with 'Am I really tired or just I defined myself to be tired and then believed in it and then feeling as tired and thus then becoming tired?'.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tiredness I define myself to be can also be accumulation of self-judgement for self-acceptance for instance 'I am being tired of this shit' - indicating that I accept something what I do not prefer yet not doing anything about it and that to acknowledge, accept as well also making me tired - in fact being tired of who I accept myself to be as not acting, accepting yet judging, reacting, as if I were not responsible for what is in my reality, as who I experience myself to be in regards to being tired of something, meaning tired of my own dishonesty to accept towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define many things as making me tired and having memories, references about what exactly makes me tired in what amount of time and regardless of physical, mental tiredness in fact - when the rule is being triggered, the thoughts of tiredness, the symptoms, the lack of energy as tiredness would come up and I would accept it unconditionally, because who I've defined myself to be is the personality,memory,word-matrix in my mind what is already programmed to react with specific energetic or lack of energetic experiences and that I've given permission to influence, direct who I am within my physical, mental beingness.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that when I am not present, because being busy thinking in my mind, daydreaming, visualizing without being present, not being aware of my human physical body, when reacting with emotions, feelings, when focusing to the energetic waves, movements, flows in and as my body, while I am not breathing effectively with and as my human physical body, but suppressing the full abdominal breathing with a less deep, shallow breathing - I am not allowing my body to be effective, thus that actually can result within tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be present to a degree in and as my human physical body to see/realize/understand what physical poses, actions I do while thinking/daydreaming/automatically behaving while being in and as the mind as starting point, which actions make my human physical body becoming tired without me being aware of it, because I am not IN AND AS the body, just about, around, and over my body as consciousness, which I thought previously as cool and never realizing the fact that it is self-separation, self-dishonesty, self-limitation, because the body is who I really am, the body is the source of my beingness and the body is the real, physical me only, thus perceiving myself separate/part of it actually I am deliberately dis-empowering myself from being here.

I forgive myself that I have not understood how exactly dis-empowering myself when separating myself from my human physical body with believing I am of mind, of consciousness and who I perceive myself to be is this spirit, soul, thinking, feeling, emotionally reacting being, meanwhile as never investigated really, fully, self-honestly the facts here, not being aware of that all of my mind/consciousness energy is coming from the human physical body and thus being dependent on the body, being a leech of the body and if I define myself as dependent on my body, I identify myself with consciousness, I am separate from the body, I am separate from my only real part in this existence with the mind's operation, which is also in fact physical, thus who I perceive myself to be is totally separated and thus powerless from here simply because of always needing energy to move, always in polarities, while the physical body is simply living here.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that in my mind I can only be tired because of lack of energy as the mind, the consciousness, the self-delusion of who I am meanwhile when the body is exhausted, it can eat and drink and rest and will be rested, while the mind always needs energy, of positive and negative, to judge, to create energy, friction, conflict, which in fact comes from the human physical body and thus in fact when I am being energized to not being tired in the mind, it is always taking from the body to the mind consciousness system who I've allowed myself to identify myself with.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that tiredness is just an idea/belief in my mind of the mind, and if I identify myself with it, then I am becoming it, as it is just the sign of the mind consciousness to say 'I need energy otherwise I can't operate' which with I've identified myself with because it is the system always telling me who I am, what I am, what I must do, who I must be, what is going on and what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and within all this not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is all for not directly experience and be in real reality, because then I would be aware of all the consequences I've accumulated since my participation within existence and within that realizing the responsibility for what I accepted and allowed to manifest in this world wherein separation, abuse, neglect, destruction and extermination is constantly happening because I've defined myself as not enough to stand up for being able to change myself, change the world, but rather defining tiredness as who I am and by experiencing that feeling and behaving as not powerful enough to stop myself, the world of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within accepting myself as being the puppet of the layers of unconscious/subconscious/conscious mind manifestations in fact why I am experiencing tiredness already and also by accepting the patterns/programs/thoughts/feelings/emotions appearing within me what I take attention to, focus to, react to, listen to, to a degree of physical action by believing this is who I am and this is what I must do - and when tiredness is kicking in - using these layers of the mind to come up with something to react to, to have a friction about with the polarity judgements to generate energy with that conflict to use that energy, positive or negative or neutral to rejuvenate the mind to make it powerful enough to keep up with the constant self-image and reality-likeness delusion to perceive as reality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and never actually really applied the fact that when I am breathing here, nothing of thoughts, feelings, emotions, just breathing here - this is who I am, that is who I can ever be and that is the most I can have in terms of being here, and if I skip a breath with following any thoughts instead - or 'slicing up' inner silence with the thoughts listening to as 'I am tired' - it is not really who I am, it is the consciousness mind system is talking and I, as an inner silent breathing physical being identifying myself with this, thus giving permission to have it's limitation, imprisonment, enslavement as well with the self-identification of energy, tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the solution to let all thoughts go and instead of 'think who I am' - actually learn to 'know who I am' and live that realization as the 'Living words' and liberating myself from the mind consciousness system breath by breath until it is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware here in and as my physical body experience, expression to see that actually the mind is only fast, faster than I can follow, when I am disregarding my breath here, my inner silence here, even with this 'inner silence' expression indicating that there is something what is talking, noising, which is in fact not directly me, but as a reflection, a mirror-mechanism, a tool which is equal and one reflecting back to me constantly what it is what I am accepting and allowing myself to be equal and one with and as - thoughts, judgements, point of self-dishonesty manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions wherein the separation I perceive and act according to in the starting point of fear - fear of change, fear of loss, fear of fear, fear of self.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I experience tiredness - there is a friction within my mind - and that friction creates energy which creates the experience of tiredness which is not real, and if I participate within it, I am also not real in terms of starting point, deluding myself, acting according to this delusion, I am manifesting real consequences with this delusion.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I define tiredness in any way whatsoever, I am creating the experience of tiredness, I am limiting myself to be programmed by myself and when having that experience, believing it as real, thus here as: tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically boost myself with specific drinks/foods/substances to beat tiredness by defining what it is with I am being less tired, what it is what gives me energy and not realizing what I accept and allow and what I participate within my mind and realizing that how adds into the idea and experience of tiredness and actually stop that, preventing myself to react and think, and self-define myself the same way over and over and over again by investigating, knowing, learning myself when and how exactly, specifically I would go into the think/self-define/react with tiredness and breathe without inner movement, act, remain here in the physical and re-align myself with constant presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an excuse of not transcending tiredness in the mind with thinking that 'tiredness is physical, everybody becomes tired, it is normal, after lot of work, tiredness is inevitable'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the body only requires resting only for maximum of 6 hours and beyond that the mind consciousness system is rejuvenating, not necessary and any reaction to this point is of the mind, which is of excuse and justification for escape from reality - because of the experience of sleeping more than 6 hours or the perceived tiredness in the mind to manipulate with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of when I am acting in and as the mind, as the starting point of the mind as survive, fight, strive, separated from my body, reality here and not realize/understand/see that who I really am is simplicity - in and as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop participate in the mind when I lose physical awareness, presence, principle, responsibility, direction, self-expression here because of:
  • what I just did was enough to get/feel tired of
  • what I actually do/experience I am within is exhausting
  • I slept long time ago thus I must be tired anyway
  • I did not eat/drink since a while thus I must be tired
and within these experiences/expressions not seeing/realizing/understanding that actually thinking/reacting to/judging/defining myself according to tiredness is only existing within my mind and actually are excuses and justifications to leave reality/presence here into my virtual space mind wherein I can think, apparently freely, apparently free of tiredness about anything and by reacting to that figuring out/deciding what to do with this self-accepted mind-state of tiredness, instead of knowing myself to a degree that no need to fall back into the mind but act directly here, immediately, physically, thus if I need to break/rest/replenish, then I simply do, live, act, move.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I listen to thoughts, to feelings, emotions and react to those, give attention to - I am giving permission to the consent of I am unable to be directly here always unconditionally, because at certain conditions - I need stimulation to influence/tell/direct me what to do - in this scenario - about the idea and definition of tiredness and exhaustion.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the present opportunity, simplicity, direct availability of just be - without thoughts, feelings, emotions - without fear, desire and rules, reactions, definitions to handle my expression and to be able to deal with physical/mental fatigue, exhaustion as simple as it is, being, living simplicity as who I can be here directly, undefined, breath by breath as the decision and the expression of absolute self-trust.

As currently having a flu - I face this point - regardless of sleeping and resting - I can have this exhaustion and lack of energy and within this I am realizing a lot, what with this will be continued within the next post...

Monday, September 8, 2014

[JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1

Perfecting my application - as I am becoming more busy - I appreciate my effective resting to support expanding life awareness to step out of the mind and live directly here in and as the physical, one breath at a time. I see some points what are of judgements, thus I walk through within effective/self-honest writing to prepare myself to stop and change.

There is the state when I feel tired - mostly it is not a physical body experience but a dullness, a bit distanced and slower, more reactive and less directive I am.

My breathing becomes less profound/effective and becomes heavy; it's like I have to intentionally push through each breath one by one in order to remain here and this effort feels like just making me more tired.

That experience is mostly 'solvable' with a quick rest/relaxation/sleep, also many times with taking a refreshment, air or just walk around some.

I have the ability to take short naps, mostly whenever I decide and I can - not as I use this often, mostly daily 1-2, sometimes 3 times and if I am very busy, dealing with new things, being busy with others, then I don't do that, just after a while when I realize I feel tired and I need to rest for a while.

During the day, a siesta/nap is really supporting - not even need for sleeping, just to stop the busy mind for a while and just simply be, return to here.

Many times I realize it is enough to lose 'consciousness' for a moment to refresh - like in my mind I become heavy and when I lose my mind (in a 'cool' way, losing it's heaviness) so to speak and I wake up I am here again.

Also I notice that as I go deeper it's like there is still thinking but in the background, feels like a dream state - wherein I am not really present, not hearing/seeing these thoughts/images, but I am kind of aware that these are moving. Sometimes I wake up from this instantly during these naps and mostly I state that this was enough.

Since long years I remember that I enjoy short rests/relaxations/naps. I enjoy doing short but intense bursts of expressions and then really, even absolutely stop for a moment.

I've started to realize that I have this undefined ability to let go my busy mind and for that simply rest, lay down for a moment and when my mind is gone, I just wake up and act again. This is sort of a habit I've formed also, I will walk through with Self-forgiveness within detail after this introductory.

What supports to return to 'normal' for me - and it's also cool for the body - rhythm is physical work and spending time in nature - because then I am more in the body than in the mind and that is mostly enough. I am grateful that how my sleeping and resting rhythm is, but I see it can be more specific, supportive, perfect - to support more presence, inner silence, consistency and health.

I sometimes do not give myself(as body) the necessary physical activity/work/intensity with the judgement of 'not having enough time', 'it is not that important', which I am committing myself to change within realizing that self-honesty is not about the constant to-do-list execution but with remaining present/consistent within all situations and this can be self-directed in each moments equally regardless of where I am or what I do.

Even if I walk, I can listen to EQAFE, I can record my audio, and after all - I can be here in each breath equally. It is a decision to make and make it happen however within self-honesty it is not a choice - so let's stop the judgmental mind.

That is so cool to realize that there is no such thing as impatience once I am becoming comfortable breathing and accepting myself here.

And within that - realizing when I feel tired - I feel like I am unable to find this 'normal' state of being here as patient yet directive presence because of the feel of lack of energy, feel of being pulled down by tiredness and I see reactions coming up in my mind and I am losing presence. That is the time to realize: rest/refreshment and return to presence is required.

STILL - there is this point where I have the tendency to fight - fight the tiredness, the lack of energy, the dullness, the lack of focus.

Because for fight, I have to create friction and within friction energy is being created and by that energy I am re-animated again, re-fueled.

If my breath feels heavy, I push more and I just don't question, because I am in the program of fighting through the heaviness, the resistance. This seems like a good, normal thing to accept but I don't.

I've realized that this fight, this resistance is not the solution but a countermeasure for a symptom, not for the source of the problem, which is originally that I've taken refugee within the mind, as the starting point, as the source, as the tool for perception, movement and experience and this takes soooo many energy to upkeep, maintain, reinforce all the time with: friction.

The constant friction within the mind is being rejuvenated with the endless battle of good and bad, light and dark, positive and negative, the very judgements within myself toward the world, toward myself, within and as my mind, my human physical body is what creates this friction, this constant energetic tension which is being channeled from the body into the mind wherein the mind is alive and the body is getting more and more rigid, tired and old to eventually wither up and die.

This is not normal, anyone thinks that it is very alright has been entirely brainwashed, - come on, why most of the old people look like grumpy and becoming this grotesque cartoonish physical wreck before die?

Because the mind sucks up all the physical life force energy converting into consciousness light juice with which all the perceptions/judgements/opinions/memories/reactions/thoughts/feelings/emotions are being replayed all over again until the total conviction of this is alright and we are living while in fact this is just a cosmic joke as we believe this actually what life is.

I really mean this, and takes courage, integrity and self-trust to dare to shout out this and actually investigate, but come on, consider the fact that we actually disappear when we fall asleep and we do reborn again and all the things we had yesterday come back as memory, as habits, as personality and there not a single morning waking up process wherein we actually stop for a moment and really question that 'what is going on and what I am doing and why and who I am?'.

Maybe because of my ability to rest myself in this efficient way that at times with I can snap out of the consciousness to a degree that I can realize this judgmental state is not satisfying me - not because I do not have a beautiful/smart/loyal/great/loving woman and also a tons of money/respect/fame/power/abilities/artistic veins/extra good sport abilities or nothing fucking special - none of this would really satisfy me if I would still create and react to the same frictions in my mind all over in each day.

This point is crucial within my process to see/realize/understand that real inner peace is only here when there is no conflict existing within me, which, if we really push to practical realizations can recognize that the undefined/resting/unified mind with the embracing/expressing/directive self-movement at the same time is the only way for the silence.

It is clear for me since more than a dozen years - just the methods and starting point I was unable to grasp before the Desteni principles/tools.

Because in order to equalize, quiet, stop my mind, I have to really know myself, who is behind this mind, who the being within all of this already manifested personality/habit/perceived self and by knowing myself I can understand how and why I formed who I am and I am able to stop the cycles and stop the same thoughts, the same desires, the same fears, which is not just meditation, but actual real self-correction within physical change. Every day being the same person, having the same feelings, thoughts, emotions - is like a space-suit we take in each morning and to understand why - we must go into the specific details - why I behave exactly the same way to specific triggers, evens, circumstances? Is it really the best for me? And others as well?

The movie called Groundhog's day is not a joke, we are our own manifested joke here wherein not seeing/realizing/understanding that we never really wake up from the sleep, only the consciousness programs do and if we become tired as the consciousness and go to rest because of refreshing that - we will never be able to rest in real peace within ourselves, no matter how much sleep we do.

So the solution is obviously that to stop the conflict within, stop the friction, stop the judgements, eventually start to learn how we actually behave, operate, react and act in our daily participation within our so-called life and be able to stop the constant battle of positive and negative by stopping the judgements, one by one, breath by breath and thus that is stopping the apparently infinite great battle of good and evil, the constant friction of positive and negative, the endless war of consciousness over it's own survival which in fact creates physical consequences, manifests our karma of facing the consequence of our actions, because one thing is very certain: we are always responsible for each and every single action we take, even for the ones we do not take.

So this is what I have realized from the point of resisting to rest the mind within and falling into it's temptation of wanting to create friction/conflict to have energy, which will make me feel more tired and thus ending up creating more friction/conflict to have more energy in the delusion of tiredness, the illusion of living, the dishonesty of life.

While the very solution is right here.

To see what we actually do and ask why.

The very friction we create with that we stop and see what is driving ups to do it repeat the same: ask, see, stop until there is nothing what moves self and then self is here without friction, without conflict, without judgement.

That is the real waking up from sleep and there are tools for that, which can be learned, lived and there are already people who are walking this path and there is nothing to fear within realizing that no religious/spiritual/philosophical truth existing in this world as those are all part of the same consciousness friction mechanism - even only a singular point of inner judgement/friction/polarity/definition is enough to fall into the mind with a reason and with real compass of Self-honesty it can be recognized, forgiven, stopped.

Reflecting this back to my very own self-accepted behavior when I believe that when I have a resistance for simply being here without conflict/friction/judgement that I have to fight that with the same way, meanwhile not seeing/realizing/understanding that all I have to do is to stop creating that resistance, stop fighting for my own limitation, to step one step back and see what with I actually create that resistance for being just here, breathing, allowing myself to trust my direct presence; - I commit myself to stop being a prey of my mind/energy patterns and stop giving into the experience and feel of tiredness while recognizing that what moments and why I missed here and still trusting the judgements instead of direct physical self here and forgive that unconditionally.

In the meantime I will listen these interviews, which I suggest others as well:
I will continue with specific patterns to walk through with Self-forgiveness/Self-correction/Self-commitment to assist and support myself to practically change with self-direction within principle.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

[JTL Day 200] Military application is not LIFE

This is a sort of response/review to an article I just went through:

Aircraft to be made from ‘human-like skin’ to enable them to feel damage and monitor their health while flying with many smaller smart sensors on the surface of the plane by processing big data.

It is indeed sounding quite cool and as a quite predictable and almost obvious 'evolutionary' step towards AI applied within aerodynamics.

What is also obvious that what is the starting point and the reason for the research, which is:

military 'application' - meaning bombing and rocketing the shit out of anything it's commanded to.

I see as the human system is not really evolving beyond it's so to speak 'original' bestiary within the exponential development of the art of self-destruction by perfecting the efficiency the destruction of it's own species and anything being in the way as well, but it is undeniable that the military 'application' is becoming extremely efficient.

Obviously the 'investors' who pump billions into these projects are selling these inventions with the motivation of profit - it is the blood of our interest, the current system has accumulated into such a manifested consequence that only those gained so much financial abundance that are the best within profit making and thus doing what is we are good within - profit, greed and destruction.

Quoting from the article:

"According to one analyst, this technology could go far beyond military."
"In the future we could see more robust defense platforms that are capable of more complex missions whilst reducing the need for routine maintenance checks. There are also wider civilian applications for the concept which we are exploring.”
And it's just an article, why I am bashing, right - but we all know how serious the military thing is among humans. Just search to the words 'military expo' or as I did visit some war-raged country like Cambodia where millions were killed by armies - or look up some warmonger country's military statistics - it is insane - and still profiting.

So after all - when the military giga-industry-complex is reaching the next level of it's evolution ("defense" platform and "complex missions") - it can also be sold to the 'public' - or how they refer it to as 'civilian' applications.

I mean it's all in the words - there is military 'application' and there is civilized 'application', and second one might can be considered as the opposite of military as within what we are all beast, military means killing: de-mans stripped away any honoring for life and lost within the consciousness wars of over-saturated fear-polarities of superimposed self-interest.

When I was kid, I was also enjoying playing with toy-soldiers, planes, I was fascinated with aeroplanes, I have built and glued F15 and F-18 models and I have learned so much about these things - I was at army air shows and I was there in the military airbase touching these magnificent creations - as they surely are - but when I really figured out what in fact these are being used for within what exact political and financial circumstances, it was all over and I never could look or think at these planes with the same admiration again.

It is so ingrained within the human mind system that self-defense is so fucking important in the name of that we have the right to kill, the right to preemtively seek and destroy and it is that what we accept and allow within our mind with the self-imposed righteousness and manifesting that as equal as one within our external human system as well in governments, states, countries, armies weaving our each and every single individual tiny consents into the invisible yet obvious consensus for accepting war, oppression, genocide and even the very concept of military 'application' to exist within our neighborhood.

I deliberately say 'neighborhood', because with these high technologies there is not a single square meter on this planet what can not be over watched by live satellite feed to directly be able to guide the most harmful and deadly military 'application' in a short period of time - not to mention the most surreal arming up of local police forces, so after all - we are all the stakes here, not just the third world as we allowed to be reflected back with our original brainwash up to the point of now becoming more and more obvious that this is a neo-feudalist totalitarian corporate enslavement system wherein any resistance triggers a brutal, desensitizing, deeply disturbing 'military application'.

On the same site where the article comes from, in an other article the author wrote this after a rant about a new, secret superweapon:
The US is all about warfare, not welfare of humanity. We have millions of people who cannot get a job with good pay, to pay off ridiculous student loans. However, there is always money to kill and destroy what humanity has built. No healthcare, no free education like other industrialized countries; only war, war, and endless wars.
Even the most peaceful public demonstration can become a bloodbath and let us all remind to the most horrendous fact that this is still our, individual responsibility to care and act about given away to the government systems and their representatives and any more blame/showing the finger/fist will accumulate into more direct and 'physical' retaliation thus it is imperative to see/realize/understand that at this point any resistance/revolution/fight is futile. That was never the real solution as after all if we look at the timeline what we call as history - which has never really existed really - as it is in the name - it is not my story, it is the winner's - his story, which is certainly not SELF.

If we look at the point of what is SELF - what in fact that can be? Is there anything really like or close to the word or it's meaning of SELF?

Is the military SELF?

Am I self?

Am I my self or who has self, oneself, all our selves? Am I self or flesh? Who is then really selfless? What is the meaning of this?

So after this philosophical head scratching - leapfrogging back to the topic of aeroplane evolution and technology, it is certain that no individual human being has directive power in this world, any, none - whoever states differently must be able to prove it's opposite and then it is certain that as never really proved it then it is yet to come and we should not wait for that either but be the living example of what we want to get and give equally.

I find ANY military 'application' as unacceptable and the demilitarization is the only way to really find ourselves onto the path of being able to grasp what it would consist of to be 'civilized', meaning there is no any financial gain accepted and allowed on earth by anyone being left behind starved or lacking any basic requirement for a nurturing healthy living, not talking about their oppression or even killing.

Sure many refer to extremist belief-systems so vengeful that they lean to the consideration of allowing to induce 'extinction' of whole nations in order to 'solve' conflicts which is then coming back into full circle of the fundamental fact that humans has never ever changed really, just the technology became more efficient, but actual real unconditional care, support, love never existed - only in fractions, temporary fluctuations - anyone disagrees just try to go to a third world country without a coin and just get sick and see what comes next, try to get food, shelter, health care and realize the facts that money determines who lives how and until there is profit from hunger, it is all the same just different pictures. Basic requirements for all human - transcending the fear of overpopulation and actually do something about education, transparent equal opportunities for all.

That is where civilization could start but until that is not given, not manifested, stabilized - we are the very beast of this existence and that is why there is no mercy for any living on this earth existing currently - anyone and everyone can and inevitably will die just like that in a snap without any continuation.

Remember that when hearing or watching the news about military 'application'.

Still, so to speak feeling myself close to this - soul-dier/sold-deer - which is like an ability to have compassion with the loss of war - which is not a feeling or a mood anymore as it was before - but emerges as a will, a discipline to stand up to and as in this human system as a directive principle for accumulate actions what would manifest demilitarization.

This already sounds insane for the single-minded human, I know - especially with the inherent paranoia within humanity that 'if I do not have an army then other countries who have might conquer us suddenly' - thus it is a wider perspective we must embrace for the practical application but it is still possible - I mean everything is possible if we all stand up to it's making - just look at how much development and 'application' can be designed to automatize to mass-produce aeroplane with a handful of scientists: human-like feeler smart-sensory-skinned aeroplane consciousness systems - it could and will be really cool for instance preventing crashes or malfunctions just let us skip the gigantic sized military budget and directly give that to the people - so if we all stand up to life values and it's walkable way which is practical, physical equality.

And it is a brainwashing to automatically judge 'practical equality' by prioritizing and auto-cast-systematizing humans based on perceptions/intelligence/skills/skin tone/geographical location but those judgements are based only fear, nothing else - thus can and should be transcended with the simple realization that the only way out from this closed system to be fucked up again and again within the constant time loop of deliberate forgetfulness is the equalization of energy, resources, money, basic requirements for a nurturing living within the simple act of giving as we would like to receive.

And just to imagine how much effort is now being diverted away from the benefit from the children/education/welfare/environment/real civilization into this ruthless/lifeless/anti-love militarization accepted by the voters, financed by the capitalists allowed by the law, being the consent given by each individuals altogether without being aware of their power given away as responsibility.

And it is not about who stands up against the surreal militarization and war propaganda and utter destruction of whole populations, but it is rather about who does not stand up to this - and to start resonating that this can not continue like that anymore and within that realizing that the only power we have currently is to learn to be organized with the same efficiency as the pro-wars do, us, individuals, one by one accumulated into a flow what can not be ignored and disregarded anymore and with the current system's rules, 'thermodynamics' - not by attacking, because as George Carlin states:

"think about the concept of Flamethrowers. Because we have them. We don't have them, the army has. That's right, we don't have any flamethrowers. I'd say we are fucked if we have to go against the army, wouldn't you?"

But with investigation it is clear that as how the 'pro-war' interests use the currently sold ways to accumulate power referred as 'democracy' - it can be also used the same way with the interest of LIFE, but for that we must study/let go/transcend our perceived differences/opposite views by realizing the priority for physical, touchable, 'real' love and to manifest, accumulate directive power into people's/group's who are indeed principled to manifest a system what is best for all equally.

And on about education - observing coming the army into the city - showing weapon systems, tanks to the children, hiring cute women, playing cool music, putting balloons to the tank and let the kids rush it - kind of weird to observe it when we consider what these things really are...

Also it is to educate and actively being educated about understanding that there is a way actually what would really be the best for all, it is not a philosophical term which is like a fairy tale - many human beings state that war and destruction is within human nature and best for all can not be manifested because there is always disagreement, and even many state that it is simply impossible to all agree on wanting the same because then it would not be real freedom anymore.

So from technological development through military 'application' we arrive to the concept of 'freedom' which would indicate a state of being able to do anything without the limit or the worry or need for considering consequence
- OR freedom could even mean to being able to express with the PREVENTION of manifesting such consequences which are deliberately harming others.

Thus real freedom would mean not harming at all otherwise it is only perceived freedom from individual level but objectively it is not so.

Therefore the true concept of freedom can only entail the concept of 'what is best for all participants'.

To debate with that it is certainly possible but I am not bound to argue for limitation and after all - who wants to protect a deliberate abusive system and in the name of what interest? Is it real SELF-interest or just being the lack of the realization of Self-is-in-the-rest?

Alright - check out these awesome links and be 'free' to dare to 'do something' - or 'feel' 'free' to dare 'not to do something' - either way: enjoy breath!

Monday, August 25, 2014

[JTL Day 199] 10. Making Love Visible part 5

Continuing with 10. Making Love Visible part 1 and part 2 and part 3 and part 4 as a point within my Declaration of Living Principles.


I forgive myself that I have not realized that actual real love starts with exploring what is  not love, what is self and within that what self is not and thus the actual self-forgiveness of stopping what is not self-honest within my action.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that real love means it is visible and here in and as the physical and thus it is the act of walking out of the mind and walking into and as the physical body breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the point of real, visible, practical love as "give as you would like to receive" and "thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself" as simple, effective, measurable way to establish what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create bubbles within my perception of separation, interest of myself, fear of change, limiting myself thus not be able to recognize the only way out of the past through practical equality and thus re-defining words to live according to the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the universal truth and source and destination is love and when not being able to find/experience/express it unconditionally, defining existence as delusion and not realizing that only my starting point was delusion, and all I've accumulated as manifested consequence within this delusional starting point is also here in and as the physical what I am responsible for.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am responsible for what I accept and allow to manifest in this world in relation to the word love and all it is here is who I allowed myself to be accumulated to become as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself with the idea of I must define love according to one person and define that one person as the subject/goal/interest of my love only and disregard anything else and defining my purpose as to be close, be with and be of mine of the person of the definition of my love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and my idea of love according to the polarity game of the mind as hate/love and realizing that none of those can be real love as it is always of friction/energy/reaction/consciousness/judgement/separation and thus always conditioned; - conned and thus can not stand the test of time and within that not realizing that all feeling of love as a bubble will inevitably burst thus if I would take refugee within such delusion, especially when being aware of what I actually do - I would be directly responsible for the choose of self-interest-based love experience instead of a physical-visible-love reality.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that I've allowed myself to delude myself to be in love with someone in order to fulfill my hollowness what I've defined and experienced through and as my mind, the consciousness, the polarities of self-definitions of good and bad, positive and negative and thus creating friction, energy, reaction within my mind and body and defining it as who I am meanwhile in fact disregarding all beings equally and only considering my own interest for my own definition of love without ever questioning what I am doing and why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love as affection, desire, obsession, possession, reaction, arousal, anxiety, frustration, butterflies in the stomach, body parts shaking, dizziness, foggy mind, confusion, devotion, bitterness, unfulfilled, fulfillment, satisfaction, completion, adventure, excitement, happiness or any other mental/emotional/feeling/body energetic experience without realizing that these are just experiences, reactions, and real love is physical action and thus whenever I give into the energetic experience of defining/reacting to something as love is self-delusion and thus accumulating into creating bubbles in my mind which will eventually/obviously/inevitably burst and I will be at the same state/point when I've deluded myself into the experience by giving into the temptation of energy/reaction/definition/thought/feeling/emotion experience to influence/direct me instead of myself be here/direct me here/live visible, physical love here in and as the physical.


When and as I experience something within me according to the word love - I stop and I let it go and I realize that love can only exist as visible, physical reality and thus whatever I participated in the mind according to the word love - it is self-dishonesty and thus I apply self-forgiveness unconditionally in and as the moment immediately and act, live, be this forgiveness as really/practically/literally stop defining love/stop defining love as experience, stop reacting to definition of love in my mind by polarity/friction/thought/feeling/emotion within seeing/realizing/understanding that if I fall into the definition of a part of the whole I am limiting myself, deluding myself, prolonging to live free/full/unconditional love by separating myself from the whole of self as equal as all and thus I stop the reaction I breathe with empty/silent mind and I act with the practical consideration of what is best for all.

When and as I feel overwhelmed, facing upcoming reaction as excuses/justifications/reasons for why I would need to separate myself/self-define love/limiting the subject of love to parts of what is here, I see/realize/understand that this is self-dishonesty and thus I stop, I stop defining, stop defending my personality within recognising the fear of change, fear of loss, fear of responsibility and I become aware what is here and what I can actually do as responsible for living a visible love in this very moment and I actually do it.

When and as I give into the energetic temptation of my mind of become occupied with knowledge and information/personalities according to what is love instead of live love from within as undefined, yet being clear on what it really means to love.

When and as I find myself buzzed around with thoughts in my head within my conscious mind - I see/realize/understand that these are absolutely irrelevant of who I am and what I am committed to live in the moment - yet those are patterns/reflections/reactions of my self-acceptances within and as the patterns/self-image/relationships in and as the subconscious/unconsious mind thus I let the thoughts go and embrace physical presence, self-direction and self-honesty and focus to what I am actually doing here.

When and as I would doubt that I am able to do or get done something without thinking/energies in my mind/doubt/questioning/fear/uncertainty/wavering - I stop and I realize these patterns do not assist and support me to be able to express myself nor within be stable/consistent/clarified/efficient or direct action here thus I let go the doubt, the reason for the doubt, the energetic strive for being animated with the reactions within and I trust myself to learn move me here unconditionally.

When and as I would stop expressing myself within worry and fear of consequence, fear of failure, fear of hurting other, fear of losing something - I realize that I am within the process of re-definition of visible, physical love within what I focus to how to stabilize myself in and as this human physical body with one breath at a time.

When and as I feel overwhelmed by desires and energetic addictions to fulfill such as arousal or want something so desperately that I feel my presence blurred - I realize that I prevent myself resisting, fighting, I always focus to what is in my mind one breath at a time and I stop it consistently and I start physically moving at the same time and by that re-aligning myself to be able to be consistent, stable, responsible and that is the way towards unconditional love what I commit myself to explore and express.

When and as I worry about being loved by another because defining it as not real I stop judging, I stop fearing and I stop running and I remain here and all influences I see within me in regarding to that experience - I stop and I stop myself reacting and I stop my mind moving and I stop all within me energizing automatically until I am here and I am clear of fear and realize that if I want I can walk away from others and I am not obliged to fear of consequence and I do not need to be dependent for being loved by another and especially it is not necessary to fear from being self-honest with myself and expressing that to others.

When and as I feel wanting to be loved I see/realize/understand that I've separated myself from myself with words/reactions/energies and the solution is not to fight/strive/seek that love outside of me but to realize that the very need for it was not real, only as a perception - yet to realize that it is alright to enjoy to share myself, to share with others and live equality one breath at a time.

When and as I fear from trusting someone who tells me being fallen in love with me because foreseeing that the person will stop feeling that way and then will change, will change that apparently called love toward me and whatever I've considered as real/consistent/trustable will change and go away and go away and it is to realize that I can anticipate all and all things human can feel/react as I am being aware those within myself as well and it is completely up to me what I decide to live and who I share myself with and the only point I can trust within this is absolute self-honesty and if not being within that certainty then it is obvious that I have something within my mind moving me thus in that moment I do not hope, I do not worry, I perfect myself according to this connection and decide for myself what I am going to live and how I ensure that I will remain within or without that no matter what because this is who I am and if any way whatsoever I allow myself to be unstable within blaming towards anyone I stop myself and I realize it is always me who is responsible for me thus I take my considerations/decisions/commitments and words/actions seriously.

When and as I have reaction to the word love, such as thoughts/positive or negative/ feelings/emotions as positive or negative - I realize it is the self-interest what judges and decides it is good/neutral/bad and it is not who I really am but how I've allowed myself to perceive this world and the events through and as my mind which I commit myself to stop participate within by investigating/seeing into me/writing out the patterns/wording the experiences/events and realizing the points I've fallen into self-dishonesty and forgiving myself for accepting myself as and applying a practical, physical, doable, measurable correction with which I stop the self-dishonesty within and with my expression as equal as one.

When and as I am being asked how to explain or express what is love or what it means to me or being asked that is it real or is it the greatest force or just how I see it - I simply answer that love is equality, love is the give as I would like to receive and the only love can be real is what entails all what is here equally and in practical terms what it means is to give to all what I am getting such as food, shelter, education, health care, water and this is the basic for the real baseline for any love at first and until it is not established on earth then love still require to be manifested in this existence what I see as responsibility, I am responsible for and in fact equally as all.

When and as I face someone who is telling me that has fallen into love with me I say that it is not something I can trust/live with - because it is already a 'fall' which is obviously not self-directed self-honest self-stability and thus I humbly say within principled living I cannot afford such a person to be my partner without a blink and without a self-blame that I am causing the other feeling bad by refusing her within realizing that it is the mind what the other experiences, not me, I am just a trigger point, no matter how harsh and heartless this might sound I trust myself and within these principles and I welcome the other to consider to live within principled living.

When and as I would become unsure/confused/desperate/feeling hopeless within how to actually manifest real unconditional physical love in this world I stop and see/realize/understand that the law/monetary/educational/political forces are what are the most fundamental influences to humanity thus I am re-aligning my commitments within investigating/approaching/participating/directing those manifestations as life as myself as all as equal as one as practical, measurable, physical love and accumulate actions what is best for all.


I commit myself to stop running from the words and my reactions to the words in relation to LOVE and realize that I am able to re-define who I am in relation to the words and how to stand as who and what to express and I can change myself according to words with self-investigation, self-forgiveness, writing, self-commitments, self-correction statements to find out what would mean practical, physical, visible love which is best for me and all equally.

I commit myself to share the physical love which is equality, to share my realizations to the word love and how to change myself to love myself and all others equally and how to establish a trust within myself and with others with physical, unconditional, practical love with the principles of 'give as you would like to receive'.

I commit myself to stop deluding myself with the feelings/butterflies/energetic highs of the self-defined energetic movements as love and stop lying to myself that when I am being affected/attracted to/get aroused to and feel desired to someone that it is love and see it as it is: a mind-possession what can be/ should be and in fact must be transcended by understanding/stopping participating within it and correcting myself in relation to that.

I commit myself to be proud that I am clarifying that the love I commit principle myself to express as visible, physical, practical, unconditional love and trusting myself that it is who I am and this is what I stand for and dare others to stand up to as responsible for all life equally.

I commit myself to share my realization of that if I stand for all within existence as equal as one then I can not fall anymore and whatever I do it is the process of re-alignment, the unification, the self-perfection within becoming responsible for all equally as unconditional love which is only real when it is here for all in fact, regardless of race/gender/country/age/any parameter and recognizing that it is doable, can be manifested.

I commit myself to not fear making mistakes by walking the process and expression of making love visible and whenever I see self-dishonesty or imperfection within the practical physical application of self-honesty then I rather act immediately and change myself/re-align myself and use the tools of desteni as self-forgiveness/self-commitment/self-correction to accumulate the process of self-realization for standing up for all as equal as one, in this world, on this earth, within this human system.

I commit myself to stop worry from partnership within considering all what I experienced in the past and interpreting that in any way in relation to self-limitation by letting go in each moment all I've defined and reacted to and give a new moment of clear/empty mind moment to embrace what is here and live in the here-ness of the physical and whenever I face unknown/change I see it as a challenge, as learning self, exploring self, living self.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

[JTL 198] Transcendence - the movie and beyond part 2

Continuing on decomposing the word Transcendence:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/think/believe/imagine that the word and action of transcendence is about leaving behind what is here, a sort of escape, a disregard, a liberation from what was before and never ever actually seen/realized/investigated/embraced in fact what exactly it is I want to let go and then figure it out how practically do it, simply, directly here, breath by breath within consistency until it's done and within that not questioning what means to be done and thus revealing that I do not know what I really want, how exactly I want it and in fact why I want it specifically and thus not be aware of the details to the utmost specificity, unable to manifest it as real transcendence here as myself in my reality as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think/define that transcendence requires meditation, an attainment, an ascension, a path to walk instead of realizing that all I can transcend is what I can understand/let go/change in one breath, breath by breath, always one at a time, here in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine/think/believe that I can be liberated from the responsibilities, the manifested consequences I caused because believing that would be real freedom and to transcend my limitations would mean to be free of consequence, to be free of responsibility and not realizing that if I separate myself from what I am responsible for then I am not transcending and within that I forgive myself that I have not realized that real transcendence mean to step beyond the duality of the mind, the subject, the object, the separation within friction and realize that I am always equal and one with and as all what is here and thus there is no escape, there is no beginning and there is no end, I am here as responsible and act like that or I am not here and I am not taking responsibility which simply manifest consequences for the future wherein I will actually and eventually take responsibility and thus realizing that with time I actually escape from myself and it is only myself with and as who I block transcendence with the fear of responsibility, fear of change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have to walk alone, lonely, by myself in this world in order to really and truly transcend because any help from outside would mean I am dependent, I am stimulated and thus whatever I would 'reach' - that would be taken away and by that fear defining effectiveness and transcendence as being alone and not realizing that it is not about me, and if I consider 'my transcendence' then it is not real, it is only a perception and also not realizing that the pattern of 'whatever I reach' is a perception of attainment/ascension/enlightenment, a self-accepted projection within time and space and thus not directly self here change/transcend but place oneself into a process to walk with energy and thus not realizing that I am here in each moment the responsible and the directive principle always and whatever I actually do is the fact of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to transcend instead of simply transcend and become obsessed with the word and the meanings/definitions/reactions/associations to the word transcend and not realizing that it is a word and whatever I define it to be that I can live but a release, a forgiveness, a re-definition within principled living is the first step to be able to LIVE the word transcend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and define that to transcend means to transcend the body/the physical/this world and not realizing that the mind within I am enslaved by my self-creation just not being aware of it allows me to remain limited, desensitized, powerless to really let go and change thus transcend from self-limitation to self-freedom as from consciousness to awareness of who I am and what is here and what is required to let go/change completely and finding practical ways to be the living example of stopping participating in the mind and assist and support myself and others within walking through the same one by one as the accumulation until all stand here unified within the realization of 'I am here'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask for or accept assistance when I see that I am bugging with a point what would require support and not realizing that effectiveness and consistent self-movement is more practical and self-honest than being stuck with points for a while and not realizing that I am being part of a group, also being part of humanity and thus I am influencing the whole world and I am responsible, whether I act so or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can transcend with psychedelic drugs such as mushroom, acid, ganja, salvia, dmt, mdma and the combination of these substances by believing that these enhance and stimulate my mind to be able to see objectively and more clearly, being able to stop and reset my mind and being able to travel and investigate within consciousness, dimensions, heavens, hells, with beings, masters, slaves, animals, faeries, gnomes, the dead, the consciousness itself etc and not realizing that all I do is I experience in and as my own mind so vividly, so detailed, so mesmerizing that within the self-definition of and as experience I make believe what I experience as reality because it's amount of clarity I define as sufficient to define to be real, as reality, as fact, as knowledge, as wisdom, as transcendence meanwhile not cross-referencing, not using common sense, not reproducing, not using, not being able to direct the experience and thus being lost in and as consciousness while in fact in this physical existence looking at my life, my living, my participation, my influence, my directive power being obvious that I am the same, as others, nothing special, no power, nothing I have really gained beyond experience, memories, reactions and after the effects only remaining with images, pictures, thoughts, feelings, emotions and never considering the fact that I've fooled myself, deliberately, completely.

I forgive myself that I have never ever listened to my beingness, who I am as life substance source that all I exist as and consist of currently is not me, not really living, but as the enormous amount and scale of manifested consequence is constantly reminding me that this is real - I go constantly into the timeloop of believing this is who I am and this is alright, regardless of limitation, uncomfortability, fear, destruction, abuse, horror is being taken place on earth and whenever I experience a taste of it by myself I immediately lose perspective, stop questioning but only wanting to stop MY suffering and never realizing that ANY suffering is also my responsibility but that would require some real transcendence from self-interest which I've considered but never understood in practicality as real time on earth in physical flesh what it takes and requires to let go and change to be able to really act as responsible for what is best for all, no exception, no exclusion, all participants, all life, all beings, all ever was and will be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel collapsed within the scale of being responsible for all beings in existence and consider what would be the best for all, what I would and should do in any given and all moments to ensure that I am act so - and stopping here, as accepting myself as collapsed, shattered, stepped back, stand down, withdrawn from this apparently enormous responsibility because relating it to my own self, comparing and opposing it with 'my self interest' against the 'interest of all' and not seeing/realizing/understanding that this is the reason of lack of transcendence, because not being able to take the leap of faith so to speak, to go through the eye of the needle and let go self-interest completely, really and realizing that in fact the only real self-interest is the interest of what is best for all and within that realizing this is transcendence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define transcendent as remaining superficial, streetwise, philosophical, mental, verbal, thoughtful, imaginative, superimposed, abstracted and never realizing that it is always about the practical, physical, actual walk in and as the human physical body, in and as each breath, word and action unified, equal and one and not realizing what exact very systems I've manifested within me which I must be investigated, understood, forgiven, stopped, changed and let go completely to be able to explore what is beyond these self-defined mind-system-patterns from thoughts, feelings, emotions of the personality, the characters of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have never ever realized that I've defined transcendence as intensity, difficulty and within that not realizing I've defined it with and in relation to energy, polarity, friction and thus always be dependent on it, it's dependent origination of time-looping within the same one dimensional self-dishonesties and not realizing self-movement is not of energy, is not of definition, is not of a reason, but self directly here as life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that exactly I have to investigate and forgive and stop and commit myself to let go the sexual desires, the fear of change, the fear of being influenced by others, the fear of failure, the fear of not having enough time, the fear of saying no and the fear of being rude, harsh, direct and thus the fear of not being liked, not being loved, not being supported and within that not seeing/realizing/understanding that in fact because I do not support/like/love/direct myself with impeccable, undoubted, constant self-expression, thus defining these what I want to get outside from me and then compromising myself and not walking through these points specifically, one by one until the utmost specificity with diligent, consistent effort each day, each breath and within that not writing down always what it is I forget, I block, I resist, I fear to face and realize it is self-dishonest, it is not really me and thus naturally let go.

I commit myself to stop all definitions of the word transcendence, including associations, images, pictures, feelings, emotions, thoughts, memories and realizing that none of those were in fact real transcendence or transcendence-related.

I commit myself to stop being obsessed with the word transcendence and let go and realize that I only live transcendence with living words as standing in the starting point, saying and acting the same and thus committing myself to continue to specify my presence, accumulate to remain here, thoughtless, physically directly here and be aware of what and why I do and what consequence I manifest with my actions.

I commit myself to push through the addiction of energy, thoughts, doubt and fear of consequence breath by breath and each mind-thought-pattern I recognize, understand, write and forgive and stop and each areas of my life, each participation I take in living I learn to remain undefined yet be aware, breath with and as the body, not leaving one area wherein I would accept thinking, daydreaming in the mind and thus practically committing myself to use writing, words with self-direction and not accepting thoughts to haunt me and react to those automatically.

I commit myself to continue sharing my process of transcending and stopping the mind and exploring what it means to birth myself and others from the physical as life, responsible within the of actual accumulation of consideration for all equally, including myself.

So that is about transcendence today.

I also continue the LOVE point I've walked recently.

Recently I wrote quite amount as well about points what are not for public eye, but I am grateful beyond any measure that I walk with a Desteni I Process Course Buddy who is assisting and supporting me within seeing points I am within and not seeing, and also how to effectively prepare and script and actually walk transcendence.

I commit myself to continue writing my Journey to Life as it is an invaluable support and dare to share and actually live the words I write and realize.

Thank you very much, will be continued