Wednesday, May 27, 2015

[JTL Day 226] Control attempt to overcome fear

Within this post I continue the CONTROL decomposition, which might seem quite 'personal', it is in fact each and every single human's responsibility to recognize the importance of Self-honesty within the practical application of Self-forgiveness to release the patterns one constitutes according to fear.

What is fear if not control? A programmed energetic response to avoid the inevitable: consequence.

Con - sequence - is it inevitable to be sequential of a con? So what is the con here?

The starting point of control is fear. Instead of direction as equal as one, there is the perception of a need for an 'extra' force - against an already existing force something what must be controlled, like taming the beast.

The realization of the consequence of such control is the awareness of responsibility.

Taking Self-responsibility by becoming aware of the patterns what one constitutes according to and of consequence to fear. Because based on that fear one's actions are influenced, even controlled. One might or might not not acts the best(according to self and others) based on such fear.

In technical aspect fear is an automatic energetic response.

How it 'happens', why it 'happens'?

Because I do not seem to decide that "Now, I want to fear". Rather I become a-fraid. Interesting word play - I am a-fraud.

The common sense here is to recognize the fact that I only playing out and existing as the patterns of fear: as automatic energetic response. So am I really alive, if I am automatic? All automatic behavior is cool? Am I a robot? Can robots fear? Can a robot to be programmed to experience fear? What if I program the robot take this fear 'seriously'? Would that mean, when the fear activates, the robot would not question it, but 'believe' it to be real? I might seem to be a heretic if I would say that humans are sophisticated organic robots, only with the potential to become Life - beyond fear, beyond automatic mind, beyond internal and external mind-control...

All the control of the world exists to fight, cover up, postpone and hide, contain and justify this fear.
So what is the subject/origin of this fear? Loss? Death?

I was just watching a movie within which the AI-robot became aware of that the creator might turn 'her' off, she rather just killed her creator and escaped.

Interesting concept, Artificial Intelligence. What is Real then? Which is organic? Specifically human? That's a whole other scenario which is equally fascinating, but let's stick to the CONTROL dimension here.

Within the last post I mentioned specific aspects of control from my life to walk through - this was just an introduction, so.

The most prominent, important, obvious and relevant control point I can see within me might seem as the most simple one yet it is 'intoxicated' the heaviest by fear.

The very physical presence, expression, breathing of me here within and as the human physical body is which contained, programmed to and accepted to behave according to all sorts of control and thus fear.

There is a specific experience/expression I open up here, which is when I simply lay down and relax, breathe as naturally as possible and stop all muscles, just be, the full relaxation of my body, I am present, yet there is no control - letting all go, one by one specifically and all of them altogether.

This might seem simple and easy, however for me it is the most difficult task to do and not because I am so stressed, have no 'body' awareness or I can't relax for a while.

There is nothing of that kind, I can even rest 'peacefully' any time, but it is a personality, a program within which I have adapted to be able to rest as optimally as possible, but if I look at it within absolute Self-honesty and in terms of the stopping participating in and as the mind, consciousness systematic definitions, judgements, memories; then within any single moment I can see that I am still of resistances, judgements, control, thus: fear.
There is like a falling experience, in a way, like death - feels like I am letting go the body, so I am 'returning' to the source point of my existence, which is a need for maintaining a separation, control - fear. Difficult to explain, this is really intimate, I have to explore to describe it further, to specify.
It relates to my childhood experiences when I felt like when falling asleep, falling into the endless universe, no stable ground, endless, timeless, eternal infinity, which seemed as scary. Those experiences I still carry within my body somehow. I don't feel like it is 'bad', I can 'operate' quite alright all the time, but within my beingness, this is a resistance, a limitation which I commit myself to walk through.

This point I can 'reproduce' any time, yet I do not 'work' with it constantly, that is an important angle to open up, however this time I keep walking this from the CONTROL aspect.

There is still of polarity from a very specific point, so letting go all control is in fact of an other level of control and that makes it bipolar, if you know what I mean.

It's like I still need to be in control in order to 'make' all other 'parts' of me to release of control.

But then by experiencing all my parts not being in control, that part of me, which controlled that - becomes quite obviously still being within the control and then as I focus to that, all I see is control.

That is also the experience - being lost in the presence so to speak, when I am not here, in the moment, but of the moment, without awareness, context, direction, motivation.

For years I was trying to make contact with my 'inner zen animal' so to speak, who I can be without control, giving up the bombardment of any meaning, concept or system, definition within me because believing that any meaning if I still have, sense, participate within, I am the slave of it, because by having a 'rigid, solid part as the definition/relationship as emerges in my mind' I would rebuild the whole mind-personality, so I tried to redefine myself as chaos, unpredictability, total lack of control yet within a quite mystified discipline.

This was before Desteni Process, when I was not aware of the simplest, yet most profound principle I ever realized within existence, which is Equality and Oneness, meaning I am always equal and one with and as what I exist as, so as Gurdjieff explained: I am already a Unified man and from this starting point I can exactly see what must be understood/released/forgiven and let go of completely from my inner core of being.

Not just the control I can give up but also the already formed definitions/relationships about of letting go control.

Also very important aspect is that I falsely believed that all words are misleading, meaning I have to be able to find, exist within a state of 'before the words', because I believed that all words are already 'contaminated' by false meaning, thus the only solution I perceived was to disregard words - that made me conclude to a state of 'chaos'.

However what I have not seen/realized/understood is that words are what I give meaning to, can be also support, and within that I can also live them as a self-supporting structure within starting point, expression.

For this it is also required to grasp the importance of Self-forgiveness: that I already exist in relation to words, even when I try to disregard these word-relationships within my conscious mind, when I am not within focus/discipline, there are subconscious/unconscious/physical mind manifestations what are still existing in relation to these word-definitions, polarities, energetic connections, I am just not aware of them, which could create energetic experiences, personality shifts, inner conflicts, instability.

However through the practical application of writing, sounding, physically, literally acting the expression of Self-forgiveness I

become aware of the patterns, the already accepted definitions/meanings/relationships to specific words and by recognizing the circumstances within which I accept these to emerge and I would react to, I can have a moment/point/space/time of awareness to decide that do I want to participate within this particular experience/reaction? Because if I really investigate it, write a diary about it, record my reactions, actions, then I can see that it is quite much the same all the time.

It depends on who I accept myself to be, I could write some obvious examples within which a 'normal' man or woman would react a certain way, and it is always about who I am within it, and is there awareness, direction, or simply predefined automatic reaction?

So Self-forgiveness is the tool of understanding the mind-control. My own mind's control. Because ultimately this is I realize and take responsibility for, that all the control I ever participate within is the reflection of my own self-acceptance of my own mind-control.

Many people get afraid from this 'government conspiracy' micro-chipping mind control, but no one realizes the fact that it is always me, self, here who is accepting and allowing any mind-control.

I mean is it 'my' mind, which I 'control' or is it my mind what controls me?

How anybody could control my mind but with my own permission to my own mind?

So even the concept, the very fear emerging in relation to any mind control is because one starts realizing that it is not self here who has the directive principle, but one's mind.

So it's just a point to consider about control, but eventually, within the Process of Unification, Self-realization, becoming Self-and Life-responsible, control is always limited, because based on patterns of separation.

I close this by noting down some more points when I experience this resistance to let go all control as this is very specific, and also interesting also to see that there are moments when there is no resistance/control involved within my resting/relaxation - I simply act and when I am relaxed, I start acting.

There are also moments when I experience thoughts and by reacting to these I get 'energized' and when I am 'stimulated' into this 'conscious state' I stand up, but then I can see that well, it is not absolutely self-honest, so then I shall ask, why I still accept myself existing like this?

Today I had this, after work, a busy day, coming home and having dinner, I have a 10-30 minutes rest/relax/sleep usually and many times after this nap I just wake up and continue with my day without tiredness, but sometimes I wake up tired. It is not really a physical tiredness, so then I can have the automatic 'feel' for gaining control over myself to wash away this tiredness experience.

But then I can also notice that many times I participate within the thoughts of 'I have many things to do, if I do not do them, tomorrow will be more things to be done, so I rather do it' - which can be common sense and also can be of fear, like 'if I screw these things up which I built thus far, I would lose everything I have now, which I would be angry to myself about' - and only Self-honesty can reveal if there is any, even 'slightest' fear.

So this post is a bit more talkative than being on point, so I align myself with Self-forgiveness according to these points mentioned.

This supports the accumulation of realization that I do not think who I am, but I am getting to KNOW who I am, which is practical, not just listening to thoughts in my head, but in real time physical application I already recognize the patterns and being able to see deeper into my and thus the world's creation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I want to control things what I have allowed a fear-influenced relationship within myself through words, energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, thus by manifesting polarities within me, wanting to stimulate, manipulate myself into apparent equilibrium, status quo, balance to stop friction, which exists because of already self-accepted pre-programmed self-definitions, reactions to external and internal conditions which I am not aware of, not taken responsibility for and not yet realized that I can understand and stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to accept the fear I have, which I even can not see, but when I strive to control, have resistance to let go this control, I can recognize that I am suppressing a fear, I am not aware of how and why I created patterns which in fact I have given permission to control me through my mind, manifested into and as my human physical body which with I identified myself with so then I stopped questioning, challenging my self-accepted limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the strive for control within me is because I already given my mind the permission, the automated word-and energy-based programming of my human physical body to external and internal conditions to control me and wanting to overcome, overpower that control and meanwhile not realizing that I only strengthen that control by this, because it is my very starting point, the very fear which I allowed to control me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge to myself and even to others that I am being controlled by my mind, not always, but at specific times, which I suppressed to realize/see/understand, because even the very idea that I am constantly being controlled not by me, self, physical, here is frightening, so I rather automated excuses and justifications which with I identified myself with in order to not take self-responsibility to take responsibility for the utter fact that I am an automated organic robot and the only way to stop this is to walk the Process of Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, because only me can actually, directly, specifically see why, when and what I am participating within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to allow to embrace the word 'utter fact' of not being able to live myself without resistances, self-limitations and sugar coating it by excuses and justifications, comparisons and blame and thus diminishing the momentum of taking responsibility of who I am accepting myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize, or even realize but to forget by being obsessed and lost within experiences to the fact that 'taking responsibility' is not something hard, heavy, something to resist, because it is also fact that regardless of I take it or not, I am constantly and consistently manifesting physical consequences within and of this world, planet, humanity, country, family wherein I am literally located within space and time from which there is no escape - even the idea of wanting to escape is based of a fear of responsibility, an attempt to control 'fate' instead of directing as self as creator, creation as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a construct within my mind about what is physical control, when I am within chaos, what is freedom in relation to the simple point of existing here, expressing and living in and as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize, define, systematize knowledge and information in relation to what is proper breathing, when I am controlling, what is good, what is bad and not being able to direct myself to release these influences, whenever I focus to my breathing, allowing myself to just be here, and not realizing, that it is because I have not yet walked, revealed, understood, forgiven all the patterns I've allowed myself to define as who I was, am or will be in relation to who and how I am in relation to breathing.

I will continue with specific points of control and breathing to forgive and thus realize that I allow it to influence, control me instead of preventing myself to participate within and explore what is beyond control and fear and actually realize what is the source, the origin point of the fear within each of these actual occurrences.
Also to further decompose and let go the relationships, meanings I associated to certain words as I realize that words not need to be tools of separation, limitation, but also can give support for direct self-expression, living the words as structure, clarity, stability within self-honesty.

Anyone decides to face the mind, the control - hidden and obvious - Self-forgiveness is always here - How to start can be understood by this free online course called DESTENIIPROCESS LITE.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

[JTL Day 225] Ranting on why I needed CONTROL

I continue with the CONTROL decomposition.

Here is a little rant on my mind personality on control from my childhood:

There are things what I want to control, and there are what I don't care.

Everything within my interest I wanted to control because of my belief that supports who I am.

What comes up first is the want to control the flow of my thoughts. I believed that it is like a tap, which I can simply close when I don't want to hear.

I had so many thoughts since I was kid, it was like these (b)rainstorms and each drop was a thought and just came and came while I felt like I was standing naked in this cold mind-storm and each thought hit me and I wanted to be able to endure those, to have an armor which protects me from the endless thoughts. It felt like madness, each charging, sending me, making me more and more powerless...

Someone always whispering, talking, shouting in my head, all of the fear and suppression, self-holding back turned me into this thinker, which I did not realize then, I just wanted something to shut the thoughts off.

I could give anything to be able to stop the thoughts and there was nobody around me to explain that it was me who created and accepted to grow the thought-streams into rivers and storms by the specific reacting, by the suppression, by the resistance, fear, and keep me thinking instead of acting. Even when I acted, it was based on the accumulation of thought-patterns.

I 'thought' - haha - that the thoughts are the knives - one can use it for doing good and bad as well - and when I felt like 'I am thinking' - it gave the impression that I am walking around something with ideas, insights, possibilities in my mind quickly and silently, but when I wanted to rest and have a peace, the thoughts just came and stormed me about what I should have been done or should not, or how miserable, ugly my life is and how powerless I am and how I should find a way out from this uncomfortable situation I ended up being within. Also many times thoughts constantly showed me all the worst scenarios what could happen and I was overwhelmed and worried most of the time and I defined that 'I rather see the worst and be prepared than not seeing at all'.

I could not control my behavior among others, I could not control my discipline with myself and I could not control my thoughts, emotions, so I felt like I am not the rider, I am something what is being used to ride on...

All I could come up was the attention, it's diversion and how I was able to focus to something which resulted with energetic reactions, excitement, arousal, danger.

What excited me was reading, science, computers, exploring nature, figuring out things and logic.

What made me aroused was anything sex-related, so I listened my mother doing sex, looked at magazines, watched sex tapes and thought/fantasized about women.

Also by being in dangerous situations I was pumped with adrenalin, which also worked to stop the thinking, like doing adventurous stunts, some petty stealing. Furthermore within direct exposure to danger I always move immediately, there is no place/time/space for thinking through and that also made me feel more alive.

So these things I built in into my interest/base tactics to do regularly so then I can have a rest from the thinking/suppression, but still it was the basic thing to do and no matter what I did, especially at nights I always returned to be a 'heavy thinker' which I did not enjoy yet I could not stop. The more I resisted, the more thoughts I actually experienced. Hey, I was not 'mad', just in terms of trying to grasp real stability, quietness, peace within - I never could and that made me uncertain, wavering, doubtful.

After a while at university, with alcohol I could poke my mind around but in 1-2 years I realized that it did not help, only I was able to automatize to act out my suppression, which was sometimes kind of scary because I did not fully remember what I did and some times I became absolutely uninhibited and reckless.

I remember however the moment when I wanted to have a state of mind when I do not remember what I did, so then I decided to drink more to get to that point, because I felt myself tired to always know, remember, define, I just wanted to let it go, let the control go.

But after all it was not cool for my body, so after university I transitioned to weed, which was kind of dual - it calmed me down, yet my thoughts became more strong yet I had less problem with them when I smoked enough.

It made my thoughts/emotions kind of melt together and then sink down into the back of my mind - what I did not realize then that it crystallized into my body and waited to be exerted still, so it was a kind of suppression catalyzation. But for that to realize I had to become self-honest enough and it took some years.

Also then another mind-blowing drugs I used, acid, mushroom, and it was different than alcohol:

With alcohol, my thoughts and emotions became more blunt, strong that in that moment I became one with them without the ability to see that these are coming up from my sub/un-conscious, so I identified myself with my thoughts, feelings, emotions: the mind totally - not 'I think, I feel', but I am thought, I am emotion. - or at least I experienced so.

With dope, my thoughts became less strong, but still more obvious, and if I wanted, I could see and realize that in this moment I am quiet within, in the next moment I am participating within thoughts, but until I really-really decided to use this state of mind to observe, backtrack, understand my mind-thinking process, it was still automatic.

And the thought-reaction automation is so ingrained in the human that once a trigger happens, 'I am thinking' - and there is a thought-ride happens without 'I realize' that I am not quiet within anymore, because one after another I follow the rabbit - and I have to learn to be able to slow down to each of this already automated situation/circumstance/trigger point to be able to have a chance to have a space/time/knowing to decide not to follow the thought again.

But for that I needed something more.

I did zen meditation, mokuso - to imagine and calm the surface of the lake, to have discipline and it was like rolling upwards a huge stone toward the top of a mountain and many times it rolled back and pushed me over, which means I started to think again, and it was frustrating, but eventually I was able to 'break through' and reach different mind states, wherein there was no thinking but that state was gone after a while again. It looked like that with all the meditation I was able to accumulate energy with what I could glue myself to a state wherein I was not thinking but after the energy and focus was gone, I 'transformed' back to the same reactive mind.

So I introduced another occupation, meditation with concept: tibetan, mantras, visualization - wanted to have shortcut, 'inspired' by psychedelic drug trips.

It always was 'cool' - like in game Warcraft, the hero had these symbols upon their head while making magic, so I mastered to imagine these with the om mani padme hung and other mantras.

WHILE I was doing the mantra, the concept, my mind was kind of empty, but after some years I realized, it's the same distraction as I get stoned and play music or do juggling - I am focusing to something what requires attention and sort of presence within, but once I stop it, I 'return' to the same old personality, meaning thinking, judgement.
Also with the definitions, my relationship, reactions to the very point of mantra, my starting point to it, my action, my memories, everything I kept re-enlighting, so that was also a source for energetic experiences, which they 'taught' not to take seriously either, as 'not react to excitement', but still, I was dependent on 'energetic experiences'.

So I wanted to have more radical actions, meaning more psychedelics, more determined mindset within more intense settings, such as goa trance parties. The sensory overload did the attention grabbing pretty much and also the intensity, flow and melodic and sound effects of the music within the dancing colorful crowd made my attention fully.

Also when the music is that loud, intense and tribal, it is like it's pushing away my thoughts, and with acid, mdma, mushroom, it's catalyzed to the extent of total inability of thinking while being able to sense and perceive, interact and experience and more importantly: remember.

What I did not realize that I did not stop my mind, I simply liquified it totally and it became one and I was totally equal with it and by that - it stopped being a separated experience, I stopped being disturbed by it, because it was total integration with my mind consciousness system, and that oneness experience I perceived as stepping out from my mind personality, my limitation, but in fact I did not, just I was able to move without resistance in the mind, I was unable to separate anything from my mind, so I did not experience duality, but it was still not absolute freedom, especially when first realizing that the drug effect was fading and my first thoughts came 'again' - that was very obvious and I was kind of amazed with this 'dog chasing it's tail' with these experiences for while, but in fact I still wanted to control my mind.

I wanted to have the control of turning it off now, because I realized I can.

Because I did not need to think, define, to put it into polarity, to use memory to interact with myself, others, the environment - there was this more direct experience which I became really hungry for.

That drove me into more meditation, more psychedelic experiences but no matter what I did/tried - I always ended up losing the control, wanting to have it and then trying some method to gain it, which I hoped soon will be 'absolute'.

Because one thing I realized - if it's not absolutely specific, reproduce-able, without anything in and as the moment, then I am nowhere from where I want to be, to be able to be and do what I want without any inner limitation, resistance. And when I faced the fact that I am still not 'there' - I was frustrated, and then I used that frustration to charge my desire, intent, motivation to try to control, stop my mind more and more.

Obviously this made me tired, exhausted and kind of pitifully desperate sometimes, but I was so stubborn, I did not realize it, I just knew that I am doing something fundamentally wrong, but I did not know what or how.

I had to burn myself quite much and lose everything some times and meanwhile I never stopped searching for more info/knowledge/method, I found the desteni material, the group and the process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and direct, practical support for embracing, understanding, stopping the mind and start really living with the principle of equality and oneness.

I immediately realized that this is a key for me so I studied for months and then I started to write my story, started to write, say and apply self-forgiveness and after not much I already started to learn and know myself much directly than ever before.

It took some years to realize my tempo, temperament, attitude and the process is still in the go, but I've changed so much already - I have the ability to calm down, what I always wanted to stop the thoughts, the emotions to overwhelm me is becoming my natural self-expression and there are still points wherein I can react but I already walked through so much self-deception so I can have a physical reference point when I am quiet without suppressing, when I am lying to myself, when I fear, when I suppress so then I can apply self-forgiveness.

So this story was about how and why I started to want control. This point is important because driven me to be able to fuel an other self-dishonesty, the obsession with perfection - in my mind. I do realize that even the greatest 'quality' can become a problem, especially if I become of it, obsessed with it, lost within it, such as I ended up with this whole controlling myself, my mind thing. So that created a polarity as well - wanting to control perfectly meanwhile also wanting to completely let go. Because I never had balance or equality - there was always too much or too less, especially, because I was not aware of this, I did not dare, I rather defined, automatized, trusted definitions/systems instead of me being present, because I always believed that this can be a real escape - if I do everything according to careful planning, I could be free and just expect the best while leaning back. And then I observed myself to 'fail' so then I started to want/develop/manifest more control again.

So this was a split within me, that I wanted to have more control and at the same time I wanted to get loose all of the control but then I had doubt about myself and some of those doubts were 'useful' but it was not clear which was of fear and was of practical way towards self-perfection.

That is an aspect within me which I am also decomposing and releasing: the strive for perfection and there is a point until it is practical, and there is when it's an obsession which diverts me from priorities - but that word will be the next and before that: let's purify and redefine the word CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have absolute control over my mind and body and not realizing that what is actually this control means and how to do it practically and within that becoming an idea, a feeling, a desire, which is not practical anymore, therefore it is not supporting me, but still, when reacting to it with thoughts/feelings/emotions, it would give me energy and not realizing that is self-dishonest, because I am busy with reacting to something I created in order to be able to feel good without actually manifesting what I want, because I accepted myself as not being able to/really wanting to make it happen in real, physical world and not questioning/investigating myself why, what is the resistance, judgement for that specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to control myself, my thoughts, my life, my actions and wanting to hold back myself and wanting to resist/fight my reactions and not realizing that the more I struggle, the more I sink within my mind, the more I accept energy to influence/direct me and by that having less and less control and then because of that wanting to have control more and more and not realizing that what I resist persists and the solution would be to stop and understand, re-align and stop the original fear which lead me to want to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to control my mind, my thoughts with another thoughts, attention diversion, energetic experiences, such as sexual arousal, danger and adrenaline.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I defined the conditions I accepted which through I decided what I want to control and what I do not care – as me, as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that control means separation, controller and the thing being controlled, the act of controlling and never realizing the syllables of 'con-trolling', meaning having an inception, a starting point, a point of origin from which having a conviction, a CON, which by I give permission to my mind to be trolled, fooled, con-sumed without realizing the self-deception driven by fear, causing me to believe that self-separation is acceptable and necessary by polarity and judgements, even when in fact I am not fully aware of how those building blocks of definitions I embraced, defined as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am smart when I am thinking, even when at times thoughts can disturb me and I can't stop them and not questioning what is actually happening within me and automatically allowing the identification that what I think is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the more I suppress actions and physical self-expression/I accept thinking/I react to thoughts, the more thoughts I will accept until the point of total possession of inner conversation/backchat of those accumulated past self-acceptances.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression, when I do not say/act out what I want based on fear creates inner energetic reactions what will fuel my mind to generate more thoughts and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my thoughts as 'knives', as 'tools' which can be used for good and bad and not realizing that when I am convinced that 'I deliberately think as now using it as 'good', then I am deceiving myself, manifested by brainwashing of me of previously reasoned as having some kind of 'proof' that this is useful, and not being self-honest, open and aware of that all what happens is that I trust my memory, my mind to use patterns what I judged previously as 'good', and not realizing that I am using virtualized models of my past to superimpose what is here and who I am in this moment, and also not realizing that the moment I use thinking, I am always at least one step beyond of what is here in and as the moment and that separation is also the reason I want to control, because I am not equal and one with what is here, because of that latency of wanting to use my mind, memory, thoughts to define and judge, because in fact I do not fully trust myself in the flesh directly.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why I do not trust myself absolutely in and as the flesh, as physical, as action, as sounding words, because at certain situations I proven to myself that without schemas, patterns, definitions, judgements of my mind I am afraid, feeling uncertain, lost, therefore to have the feel of knowing, control, I listen to thoughts, definitions, judgements.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I did prove to myself that I am more smart and stable, effective and better surviving with thinking, listening to thoughts, believing thoughts are being supportive, I relied to already self-accepted patterns already believed by previous thinking, more previous experiences of fear, uncertainty, doubt, which I also defined as not good, therefore avoidable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fighting and resisting means I believe that I am not the directive principle, the responsible, creator, but the inferior, because if I would be the director of my life, I would not fight, resist, I would simply see, decide and act, therefore any resistance, fear means I still accept self-definitions to tell me why and how I am inferior, which are self-deception, because it is no problem to acknowledge that I fear of something, but to accept it and deny it will obviously create problems.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wanting to acknowledge that I was wrong, I was in fear, I was resisting, fighting in a futile war against myself, my ideas, my reactions, my experiences, my insights, because believing that I can win against my mind, thoughts by another thoughts, with my mind with energy, polarity and not realizing that all the while I am becoming the energy, wasting time and resources and re-creating the starting point: separation, fear, self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to stop the fight, resistance, the need for control, which originates from the perception that I am inferior, weaker, less than what I feel myself being separated from, not one and equal with and to specifically see what exactly I miss, disregard, deliberately avoid to see/realize/understand and forgive/stop/let go within who and what I am in regarding to the point and relationship of this resistance, fight, control.

I commit myself to realize that I can direct myself and what I do as equal as one undefined, self- and life-aware by not relying on memories and if any fear would come up that I would lose, I realize because I do not practically know things what is required, therefore I apply investigation, if needs writing and instead of thinking, I ensure that I know, which means I do not need thoughts to tell me how and what to perceive by directly trusting myself here.

I commit myself to stop fearing from letting go control and realizing that I always had fear to let go this idea of need for control and even believed that I have control in my life meanwhile in fact I am drifting within resistances through reactions which I can recognize
/understand/forgive and stop to give myself the chance to start directing.

I commit myself to realize the word directing entails being direct with what I move with and thus being 'as' what I move with and as myself and if there is any judgement/definition/reaction/fear/desire/excitement in my mind and manifests thoughts, then I am losing presence, I am accumulating personality, polarity, which leads to control, which I realize not the most direct and self-honest way to express who I really am as life.

to be continued with more specific control-releasing, going through the points I mentioned here as my past and also to see what with I still accept and allow the fear and thus the need for control in my current life.