Monday, May 31, 2010

Visiting Desteni Farm

I am speaking about visiting Desteni Farm. For one month I visited Desteni farm for Self Assistance and Structural Resonant Alignment Course to be directly Here as the farm and assist myself as others as the Starting Point of Stopping. Okay.
So I was visiting the farm and I was with the beings at the farm and what I realized that the beings at the farm are quite directive, they are not the same kind of people as I am facing with in the city, where I live at the moment. These people are not bullshitting much, these people are directing themselves and facing themselves - yet they're in the Process of Self Realization and Stopping. I was able to discuss with the beings - basically with any being at the farm about points directly and we could assist each other directly physically speak, and a fascinating point that I made quite a lot of physical expressions as working outside, working on field, working in the dump-yard, working with horses, also like building house base, cement mixing, picking up the grass, things like this and I enjoyed it because it was like directly physically and I had nothing to think and I had nothing to worry and I had nothing to fear, I was simply doing the job as physical expression and when points came up I was able to see it and I was able to stop it and fascinating point is that I was able to see people within agreements and how they express and how they stand and how they communicate and beings also how direct themselves within situations and how script themselves up to situations, to be able to remain silent, to be able to stand and also the Structural Resonance Alignment as we were making Pie Charts and Mind Constructs and how we start to reveal our systematic manifestations and how we operate as a system and how can we dissolve into parts what we can face and how we can assist and support ourselves through muscle communication to directly communicate with and as Substance within the starting point of Self Honesty as the process of starting(stopping lol).
And the fascinating point was after some days I was already able to see the difference within myself as my expression as my walkings became more quite, my expression became more direct and also I was speaking with Resonances; within the discussion series of resonances my past through my human relationship was discussed quite in details what is being actually busy shared at the DesteniProductions channel and it was fascinating how we ended with the practical solution to how I can change the inner process to an outside expression to stand one and equal outside and inside, it was fascinating to how everything what I experience is still of my past, what I tried to escape many times, but fascinatingly it came back always, it is within myself, within my Resonances, I am still creating and manifesting my past until I Face the Points, and I direct and I stop and I express the Self Correcting Application as the starting point of Self Honesty and Self Forgiveness.
So this kind of practical assistance is really assisting for any being but first one self must stand within the Realization and the Decision that I am who I am as what I've accepted and allowed myself to became but "I do not accept myself as this", "I must stand and I must find practical solutions and I must investigate my life within self honesty without any excuse or compromise" because one Self Definition Point as one point of Self Dishonesty within myself is enough to remain Self Accepted as Mind Consciousness System as Limitation as Suppression and this is simply Self Responsibility what each being must Face and Transcend Here within the Physical. Because Here in the Physical we are directly facing the accepted and allowed nature of ourselves.
So the process is here. One is Participating Directly and Facing the points as Self Facing Here or the points will come as the Manifested Compounded Consequences.
Alright, thanks, enjoy.

Here Sound


I started to hear human's sound different

This awareness thingy is a really funny one
it is like as I lolling by writing as like a liquid
first one drip and then one other - each are one moment but I have no ability to experience - more likely there are like reflections - like glimpses or tiny soundspikes - or the smell what I experience for a moment but very slight - and then no more - it's gone

and then the next time it happens again - almost like at the first time - no rememberence, no memory, no awareness

and then as the drips continue it slowly but surely start to flow in a hairthin thread - and I am becoming aware of simply within a moment that I am experiencing something absolutely new, a total genuine world I am aware of
and then if I start to define it - it is not working - I can not grab it with mind -there is no definition - associations no existing about this awareness

but I can start to explore about how to put into words - and as it is stable - I can reflect myself back that with I want to describe or word it - it is not 'pure enough' so to speak as I am still too contaminated with the delusions within my head
so I must continue purify myself inside and express outside one and equal

until I can embrace myself as presence and my expression will come to be the words as myself as one as equal

so this what I hear within human's words

I have the sense that somehow I can hear the beings - and I have to admit that this is a great assistance to be able to assess my self honesty as I start to experience many things within one word of the being - more likely through speakings
and then I can see - the things I experience within the words - are of my 'issues' of self dishonesty - or I am 'clear of it' so to speak - that I am able to experience the being as it is without my 'shit of mind' -

I am entirelly not aware of this thingy but somehow here are moments when I am absolutely sure what I am writing about

this is power
power of presence - but I must stop all occupations

not even of about what I do at the moment - I express and 'detach' myself from the mind participation and embrace all of myself here as mind as stopping it as myself one and equal as the symbiotic physical manifestation of myself within and as the mind consciousness system

will write more about this - at the moment I do my job - but this is fascinating
I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath when I experience something new - instead of realizing that this can be referred as programmed fear - so I let go - I breathe and I am here as the physical

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

another writing as scripting structure for vlog

Within my process much happened recently and I share some points within the following videos.
In the last years I've become more quiet inside - many points what occupied me within my head I was able to release entirely, some points are still I am facing -- Also I was visiting desteni farm recently and many points I've became aware of - and how it assisted me and how I am able to turn this knowledge and information platform into practical living, what is best for all.

Immediate stop - Since I've started process at 2007 - during these 3 years - I've developed the ability of stopping - this self expression did not come in a moment - I had to push the point of self honesty continously and constantly - I had to become self forgiveness - to be able to stop the thinking, feeling, emotional movements, what made me busy within and without as myself as the starting point of me as mind consciousness system - as this self-deluded occupation happened again and again and again and then I always went into a some kind of energetic possession what directed me - and then when it was discharged in a way - I was alone with myself without directive power - with the facing of the fact that I am not really myself as wholeness -- it happened again and again and again until one moment when I've decided to stand and remain standing no matter what - the DECISION what must be made what I had to become to physically live - to constantly move myself as this point as self honesty and not falling back but standing and breathing and forgiving and releasing the idea of myself - within the understanding that if I let myself being pulled down - I will fall again and I have to pull myself together again to face with this same point - as it happened endless times - and I do not accept myself as this fall and cycle - I must change, I stand and I breathe and I move and I push and I walk and then at one point I realized that the point I am directing, that the point that I am able to stop - immediately - that I am the point as myself within myself and I am expressing myself through and as this point as the starting point of who I am as presence as inner silence. This realization must stand constantly and continously within the aspect of life in each and every single moment.
Until that the self is facing past as the manifested consequences - until that the self is pulling everything here to be able to stand as the unification of self - until each being is not standing within existence as "I stand as the physical expression of I AM HERE" - until that, the proces is not done, until the process of self realization of facing self, releasing the systematic manifestations and finding practical solution what is best for all is ongoing and being busy forming here in the physical who we really are within oneness and equality as life.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Self forgiveness on expression-suppression polarity

also seeing,releasing some events what came up as primal memories regarding to expression-suppression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define
other's expressions by my own experiences and definitions of my
perceived expressions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define
my expression according to other's perceived expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my
expression to be judged from other's who I defined as expressive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
from being judged as suppressive and introverted because then I am
facing myself as physical truth and then I am not able to play the
energetic polarity games of expressions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate within
judging others - because I was judging myself at the first place and
then I was judging others by my judgments towards me and then
projecting my delusions to others and then reflecting that back again
onto me - instead of being here and expressing myself as presence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge beings
according to expression - and the tendency of their expressions such
as polarity manifestations by the words suppressive, expressive,
introverted, extroverted - instead of being able to be here and
experience what is here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have defined people as expressive by
defining them by the comparison with my 'rate of expression', instead
of realizing that the 'rate of expression' is of the mind, it is not
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear to express
myself with those who I defined as expressive because then I can fear
from being judged by others as not good enough - within expression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from being not
good enough by other's eyes - instead of realizing that this means I
define peole as not good enough and then being afraid to being judged
as I judge.

Self corrective statements:
I direct myself and not allow to define other's expression - if I do
so - I stop - I correct myself within the moment and remain here.
If I see that someone is using energy to express - I do not judge -
I do not compare - I remain here and not going into past based
definition associations.
If I experience other's as being suppressive around me - I do not
define them, I express - not judging them or comparing them by
I do not need energy to express myself here - I do not accept myself
to being controlled and driven by energies within my expression. I
stand, I express.
I push myself through my fears of being judged and I stop judging
others - I simply am here and express without condition.
I do not express myself for others or for anything else but because
the fact that I am here as expression without a single con.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express
myself differently with different people regarding to my past
judgements about the delusion of 'rate of expression'. I stop.

Specific events when I felt shame and humiliation by my expression
or lack of expression(suppression)

1 - I was in basic school when at gym excercise hour we had to do
excercises all together the same and I accidently did a fart and I
felt my face was red and I felt like I am being laughed and ridiculed.
2 - I also had shame because of my body lookout - as it was very thin
and white - not like the other's - so they judged me all the time and
by this - I had no confidence and courage to 'use my body' so to speak
to socialize - because I felt this body was not capable of doing so -
so I was judging my body and myself within the body and then I
suppressed and became introverted, more likely mind-based than
expressive, physical extroverted.

3 - Also I had a memory when around 9 years old, I was in a singing
choir for the first time and the teacher said that I do not have to
come anymore and I felt that I was kicked off because I was bad in
singing. By this event I felt like I was unable to participate music
seriously, especially with voices, harmonies, melodies - only I was
able to make rhytms but that one too not really.

4 - I had an event when I was accidently honest and directive with
bigger children and then they were aggressive towards me, even hit me
and bully and I felt like I had no control within my body
approprietaly - so I felt like I am unable to express myself.

5 - I had an other experience when at carnival my family made me to
be in a costume of gipsy woman - and I had to go to stage where about
one thousand people saw me and they expected me to give a show and I
was only standing there under the lights and I was afraid to even give
a sound or move an inch - so I was horrified by the fear of being
judged and being laughed - and exactly that happened then and I felt
like I was humiliated, I wanted to escape and I was raging within
myself and I could not stop for a while..

6 = I had an event when at a camp a big guy pushed me or stepped onto
my shoes - and I told him 'thanks' with a bit of anger - and he
answered with his intense threating look and then he was gone - after
that I was angry for myself of saying him that instead of nothing -
and I was afraid of he would appear and hit me.

7 - In highschool - I was afraid of being judged by girls especially
who I defined as attractive and sexual - and once I was sitting in a
sofa and Barbara came and she sat onto my thighs and I was very very
afraid of being detected that I was aroused and I was suppressing
myself extensively to not being exposed.

These These events mostly determined my expressions when I was like 7-16.

So Let's release them one by one.

1 - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
being judged by accidental farts because I defined accidental farts as
ridiculous and pathetic and foolish and I was afraid of being judged
If I fart accidentally - I remain inner silent and not allowing
myself to judge the event even when others are judging me - I remain
stable, silent, here.

2 - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
humans by their bodies according to the norms, and the 'good looking'
- 'bad looking' polarities -- and also myself as I defined white skin
as bad, weak, vulnerable, unhealthy and also the thin body I defined
as weak, pathetic, worthless and unstable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my
body and skin as bad, weak, vulnerable, unhealthy and bad looking
because I defined normal and good as darker or brown skin.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my
thin body as weak, pathetic, worthless and unstable because I compared
my body sizes according to other boys around me and mine was
physically thinner.
I do not define myself according to my body skin or
thinness/thickness - I am here as expression undefined, stable,

3 - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
myself according to the teacher's act that she did not want me to sing
with her choir - instead of realizing that this was not a 'bad' event
- this was simply an event - but I judged myself extensively - instead
of accepting the fact that at that moment I was not a singer anyways.
If I am being rejected in a way by anybody by my expression - I stop
my reactions - I do not react - I remain stable, expressive, I am not
being defined by other's judgement - I am who I am as expression
without condition.

4 - I forgive myself to fear from being expressive with those who I
defined as more powerful - because of being afraid of being hurt -
instead of being here as expression without accepting myself as
fearful because what I express.
If someone gives me a gaze of aggression - I remain here as stable,
without any reaction - I am expression and I do not allow myself to
being controlled of fear of hurt - but this not mean when the
situation is overwhelming that I would resist - I remain directive
within life awareness.

5 - I forgive myself that I have not stood up for myself to say to my
family that I do not want to do this on stage - and I forgive myself
that I have not allowed myself to direct my situation by myself and
accept events and pushings around me even when it is very
uncomfortable -- instead of simply act and not fearing by their
judgement or reaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from
being on the stage when thousand people are watching me in the light -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze or
pull back when I define that many people are watching/listening me -
instead of realizing that this is not about them or how many of them
are watching/listening - but this is an expression of myself - and it
is unacceptable to being influenced by the fact that many people are
watching me -- within my expression. I simply express - as alone as
with an other or with ten or with hundred or with thousand - I stand -
I express - I do not pull back because of fear of being judged or fear
of being laughed at - if it happens - I remain here and breath.
I accept and allow myself to enjoy my presence and expression
regardless of the people or the number of the people around me.

6 I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as being fearful of
something what could happen - instead of being here and when the event
comes then deal with it and when it's gone then it's gone - moment by
moment, breath by breath I remain here.

7 - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
from being exposed my attraction towards specific girls and being
fearful of being rejected by woman and also being ashamed of my
uncontrollable desires and arousal.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself
towards/with women because of my suppressed energetically charged
sexual fantasies/desires - so in fact I was not being with the
being(woman/girl) but with my desires/fantasies/fears - so I was
extremely anxious - instead of being here and not defining the
woman/girl according to my definitions of lacks and desires and fears
of rejection and being ridiculed - but expressing and exploring myself
and the being here without any mind definition and separation -
directly physically here as breath.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Self forgiveness on sexual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have shame and regret about what I did - instead of realizing that this is of the past - if I do not release this self definition HERE - then I am still of the past - as the past as expression - and this is not who I am as life as breath - so I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sexual expression as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as manipulation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as pleasure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as weapon.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as release.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as luxury.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as purpose.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as self definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an idea about sex based on what I heard, what I saw, what I experienced - instead of remain undefined as momentary constant self expression without being contained of any influence of consciousness mind systems such as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control sexual expression in order to make it longer because of I have separated myself from my physical sexual expression therefore I am not here as expression as me but through and as the mind of definitions, ideas, justifications, desires, fears, hopes, desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control my life instead of be life as self directive as expression as the Living Word in every moment of every breath, here in and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an idea and desire after specific sexual experiences instead of realizing that those were suppressed energetic entities within and as my mind personality what are not practical at all, what are not related to physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing my sexual desires physically because those are not after physical real experience but of mind fantasies, energetic, delusional picture-based reaction systems, what are of self-pleasuring, self-containing, self-deceiving instead of exploring what would mean physical contact, physical expression, physical experience as myself without being of the mind, without being the starting point of and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be with multiple woman at the same time because then I would have multiplied picture to energetically react - but within the physical I would have to explore what would mean physical experience - so I never really seeked this, only within the secret mind I participated.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to form a relationship with a woman as two as an agreement as self support as on e as equal to support ourselves within the starting point of birthing life from the physical because I was preoccupied within my mind as preconceptions about myself and the reality what were obviously not real. Let go. Let go of self definition and embrace all of myself here as inner silence and self direction.

script up for upcoming vlogs

I am preparing to make some video logs - almost everything is ready, so I will push this point. Also I will start to explore myself within sharing myself in my native language(hungarian). In various ways, I will be more fluid within the expression - but many words I never used in my language - I will have to establish a specific vocabulary to be able to explore - so within the process of explaining words and information - I will be able to see the words as myself - and to purify words to stand as the words and not the definition matrixes within the mind.
Things I will be sharing like
what is mind consciousness system, what is mind, what is consciousness, what is system.
What is man, what is human, what is life, what is not life.
What is the physical, what is here, what is equality, what is oneness.
What is separation, what is the core of the separation.
What is the process, what is self, what is self expression, what is self realization.
What is common sense, what is real, what is not real.
What is self honesty, what is self forgiveness, what is here.
What is location, what is movement, what is expression, what is stability.

Things like that I want to express within some basic videos in hungarian - for the first time - to see how I express, how it flows, how I remain within the expression as the moment.
To see what knowledge and information I speak as physical living experience of myself and what is of only a theory and a information placement of what I should live.
To see what I still holding on and what I already transcended, how I realize what is self-deception and how I explore and express the self-deception and how I realize it's core, how I stop it, how I forgive it and how I prepare myself to finally stop and change within physical, real expression.

Also in english vlogs - I will start to explain how I experienced my deceptions during my lifetime before process started - and then how I experienced myself within the deepest, darkest mind-pit where I put myself when I realized who I am and who I am not and how I managed myself to pick up myself and how I stood up from the excuses and justifications to stop the self deception and actually start birth life from the physical. What things I've faced, what was the difficulty, what was easy for me, how I scripted myself up to move myself, how I realized what I realized and how I stopped my habits of deluding myself with substances such as drugs.
Why I took the drugs, what delusions I experienced during the effects of drugs, how I experienced the physical reality or how I did not experienced the physical reality and what I thoughts, what I hoped, what I desired and why - in order to be able to remain within the self-delusions - such as I am special, I am chosen or I am protected by the system -- what events I had to face to realize that I am in the choice of life and death and that was seriously real experience.
So in the first vlogs, what I've shared in the ' talamoon ' youtube channel - I was sharing my experiences for others to be able to relate but at this moment I can be more directive, more specific and more precise within my expression and my process.
So I will expand by writing and vlogging hand by hand and it will be one and equal as myself as words as expression as myself, here.

Also I will push the point of physical equality, and physical experiences, how and what I experience - sometimes I am able to express myself accordingly - how I experience the mind, the physical, the energies, the self movement, the breath.

Monday, May 10, 2010

self forgiveness shared here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow a temptation to give attention to porn and masturbation instead of realizing that this is an unconscious/subconscious mind manifestation within and as my human physical body - so to be aware of and be able to stop/disengage/remove - I have to stand no matter what - without any reaction, without any temptation, without any thought.
To assist and support myself within that - I write, and I write mind construct and apply specific self forgiveness until I stand - no matter what.
Because this is not who I am, this is I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on others and the believed image of myself projecting to others - when I am with others -- so the presence and the inner silence and the self direction slowly fades and I am more and more experiencing 'automatic' unconscious/subconscious reactions towards others - as these already manifested and activated through my physical participation within existence.
I already realized that I am able to stand and direct myself if I make the decision in every single moment - I stand - no matter what - and I direct - for a while even it is okay if I tend to be a bit slower - slowing down is not 'bad' but not define this slowness - simply direct myself and not loosing the starting point of I am here I breathe I express I direct. DO IT.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself in every moment by accepting and allowing to manifest automatic reactions, pre-programmed subconscious/unconscious mind manifestations - not realizing that if I am not directing myself as self presence - I am being directed by accepting and allowing myself to being influenced and controlled my past what is not here anymore - so I must realize in every moment as the decision to make - I am here, I stop, I direct, I am clear, as the starting point of myself as one as equal as all here within and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to K and the sex within myself by defining experiences instead of expressing myself here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that self expression is not related only to sex - in all parts of life I can express myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain here and stable and directive within sex - simply allowing subconscious/unconscious mind manifestations to 'live' instead of me expressing here in every single moment of every single breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about things I want to do - instead of doing them immediately - or writing down to a list and then direct myself to do it naturally. By thinking to do things - shows that I still allow an energetic mind self center definition what requires to charge by continuous energetic thought-patterns to be able to 'express' but this is not self expression, this is not direct physical living.
If I do something - do it here immediately - or script up within writing - or direct myself to remain aware of the act and then do it within a moment.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

3- South africa, Desteni farm part 3

may 2

shoulders are getting being relaxed but slowly - several situations still unexplored in this particular point

I went trough the Veno Structural Resonance Shoulder point and it is related to surviving and the surviving modes of generations that gone before me.

One more important realization - I was told what to assist regarding to horses and I have questions within my head as thoughts - and instead of asking them directly as words - I suppressed these. It was about to put some creme onto the horse feet to the nail part to make it a bit oily/wet to prevent damage.
So I saw myself as when I am not myself directing myself to do something - I have the tendencty to question - because I am not directing, I am not fully aware of the situation - so I have questions - but I dont say them, rather first think these...

Because if I am aware of the situation - there are no questions - I direct myself. But what if I do not direct myself until I am not fully aware of the situation - so the questions would mean even excuse instead of direct.
Because in the past I was afraid of other's judgement - about I am not good enough or I am not capable of directing - and instead of changing myself by asking, pushing, doing it - I suppress and I judge and I don't move.
Unacceptable. This was of my past, here I am releasing this construct.
Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of not being able survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to appear bigger than I am within the human physical body in order to seem bigger, stronger in the eye of others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be seen strong instead of being here as strength.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak physically because I compared my appearance related to other males.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define big muscular male body as strong instead of realizing that strength is here within and as me as presence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be seen bigger and stronger in order to protect myself from others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be seen myself as bigger and stronger by posing my shoulders up in order to get what I wanted, especially money, respect from others and women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to money, respect, women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that if I have respect of others, money and woman than I am somebody, I can be happy.
I forgive myself that I have defined words separated from me here as expression as presence.
I forgive myself that I have defined words according to fears, desires instead of being one and equal with the words what I speak - as the Living Word.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not being aware of my human physical body, and using it as a tool in order to fullfil my desires instead of realizing that my human physical body is who I am here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hesitate when I have something within myself - and suppressing it or allowing it to make me think -- instead of standing up and expressing myself and being inner silence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I allow myself to being directed by others without being aware.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I have questions - I have the tendency to suppress questions because I defined to questioning from others as weakness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I question something within myself and I answer it within my mind - it can be deception.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I allow myself to pose my body in unpleasant ways - I have the tendency to not be here as the body, but within my head.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be straight within my sitting and putting one of my feet onto the another what is unpleasant for the body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my subconscious, unconscious mind system is using the human physical body to generate energetic, thought patterns, reactions according to physical movements, what I am not aware of most of the time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I have a thought - it is coming from unconscious,subconscious mind and I am allowing the thought to manifest within the conscious mind.
I forgive myself that I have a desire for wanting to express myself instead of directly being here and expressing myself here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have a resistance to going through the SRA lessons, instead of realizing that SRA is the tool of myself, is the expression with what I can learn how my mind consciousness system works and how to practically stop.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to procastinate SRA writings because I defined it as too much time, and wanting to spend my time on other things, by not realizing that time is of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from not having enough time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to schedule my day to avoid time-related issues such as not having enough time or feeling that I am not using the time accordingly, efficiently.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I do something, then if I am self honest, then I am the expression of myself without any separation, definition. If I am not able to do something naturally within the moment, then I write, I speak, I ask, I learn.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have a reaction when in my dreams my body releases sexual compound energy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire after sex instead of realizing that the desire is of energy addiction, the desire is for Unified Consciousness Field synchronisation to regenerate the mind - instead of realizing that I am here as breath as the physical.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to speak up and express myself unconditionally by being here, trusting myself, being breath and the Living Word.

about farm life - 5 days left
here is quite movement, people are changing, moving, also animals I see, are changing - for instance I see ducks are growing fast, some people experience some waves, and I can experience directly the people - fascinating to see the whole being, more likely - embrace the being--- but many times still I catch thoughts within my head - even it occurs that thought-chains occur -- mostly I suppress these and I pick up the breathing experience again and push myself into physical and participate in the moment directly -- so these 'jack in the box' memory thought popups I have to deal with - immediately, within the situation - not only suppressing - but realizing, forgiving, changing immediately, absolutely.

But as resonances mentioned, I am regaining my quietness when I am alone more - in the last year I noticed that I am more thinker when I am alone - in these days even these moments are more clear, quiet - I do not need to think even when I am alone...
also there is a point when I am watch a movie - I can define and react even on a way with feelings, these energetic movements require more attention, awareness, intimacy - because if I react - I am separated from the experience, in a way, from myself. Let's embrace.
The more I am within the physical - more the pain I experience
My right direction finger can have pain quite often or some small accidents make it bleed or having pain.
Also my chest can burn when I am not breathing appropriately or naturally.
Recently I had this pain when stomach was more likely acidy then usual - maybe too much fruits or things what I did not eat before I came here...Esteni assisted with some kind of apple vinegar mix and with a few sips it was more calmer...
I assume that experience means that I suppress, swallow things instead of express and sort out.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress things within myself, especially movements, what make me think, energetically charge, emotionally compound - instead of expressing it and realizing and forgiving and changing within the moment.

Writing myself to freedom.
What is important at the moment:
-Continuing relaxing and physically experiencing shoulders - and with that my whole hands will be more physically here as myself.
-Finishing the talamon resonances 2 interview videos
-Making some mind construct writings, raving, ranting, pie charts to check with others directly while I am here -started with Jorn already
-Doing some muscle communication sessions with some people to see how it is at the moment, maybe required assistance
-Finding out how to fix the 'jobs' issue when I go back - by seeing the points, seeing what would assist me and all the most and decide and then script up how to manifest that into act as physical.

2- South africa, Desteni farm part 2

apr 13

today was physical work, with Andrew we were busy to place the main poles into position precisely where the new house will be built up. It was HOT, I had to use suncreme and hat and long shirt to not burn completely. We were speaking with Andrew and fascinating things we spoke.
How the physical workers are handled like less because they are able to make only simple physical work and not able to process and work trough a lot of information - like for instance a programmer or a businessman does. But in fact without the workers - the actual physical work - there is nothing - no houses, no bread, no water, no electricity.
Tomorrow I am going to start having Structural resonance interviews related to self-perfection.

apr 15

ok i am picking up the pace around here - I am not defining how I experience - I simply experience - strange, but I am starting to understand what stability would mean according to remain focused on a point.
for instance when I had resonance interview 1 - after that when I push - I am here, no matter what.
When then something is triggered - if I am not as the point - my attention is going to another point - and as it repeats - multiple points I am 'focusing' and as my stability is not yet absolute - as I participate within thought patterns - I am slowly but surely I lose the 'where?' -'HERE'. And then I am not here but of energetic conscious mind, triggered by subconscious/unconscious mind patterns.

apr 16

ok, SRA self forgiveness

Universal organic communication

How to upload as a Living Word
Fears, doubts, resistances

I was not sure that this directly could work when I am preoccupied within my mind.
Then why I allow myself to be preoccupied when I am dealing with sorting myself out here?
Any doubt, uncertainity, confusion is required to leave behind because it is within my physical resonance, and it resonates trough the whole experience and expression as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed to doubt within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe to others regarding that I am not capable of doing anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being influenced my teacher back at the end of highschool when she said that she is not suggesting for applying to university, and by being influenced and insulted by her words - carrying trough the years of fear and doubt instead of standing up for myself and be directive and realize - I am here and the doubt is self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think or believe that I am separated from the universal equality as one by being preoccupied within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to follow thoughts automatically - instead of seeing what was the situation what triggered it and how it came and where it was gone and what was the next step in the pattern what I went to.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that words are the building blocks of reality - so if I stand as my words, as I direct myself to speak and act as equal as one as my words as my deeds - I am standing equal and one with and as myself here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware of what my muscle is telling me at muscle communication directly, obviously.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to allow my body to directly communicate to me throughout my muscles as applied muscle communication.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what my muscles would say about what is here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear to being exposed for myself and for others because then I would have to change because I can not live with obvious, shared self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear to be seen as self-dishonest what would indicate that I am self-dishonest, and that I am defining myself trough others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here and I am capable of stopping self-dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use words as universal equality as one upload here, because I would then being exposed of doubt.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my limits are not real, those are of self-created,self-defined justifications and deceptions based on self-dishonesty and fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what my parents programmed into me is not who I really am - it is not who I am as moment as breath as here as the physical.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to embrace the universal equality as oneness here within and as myself within and as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here the point of stability as breath as stability point of who I am, where I am and how do I express here.

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to stand as equal as all life here as the physical.

I forgive myself that did not allow myself to see myself as expressionate and by this definition never allowed myself to explore expression.
I forgive myself that I have been fearful of being expressionate because I felt that I would always lose in comparison to my sister as I saw her as the goddess of expression.
I forgive myself that I have limited myself through comparison to not express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being expressionate because I felt that I would be exposed and vulnerable.
I forgive myself that I feared being vulnerable and in the spot light where everything is seen, where all my faults can be seen.
I forgive myself that I feared my faults being seen.
I forgive myself that I judged others and found faults with them and I did not want to subject myself to the same amount of judgement that I had placed on another and through this knowing of what I did not want to place myself in the same shose of being judged.

Ok Susan(Sunette) suggested two tv-series to watch - the Lie to me and the mentalist - the first one I saw some episodes, with Tim Roth - those are cool - how they read facial microexpressions to solve out criminal cases - fascinating -- I was not aware of this stuff consciously...quite assisting

Ok the universal equality as one upload muscle did not unlock, so I go on the lesson - will see
still picking up this new excercise - I take the time...
I transcribed the resonance interview 1 part - very assisting - it will be for all - so tonight I start to make a text video of it
Bernard told me that physical dizziness can occur if I skip meat for long time, because of "0-" is my bloodtype - that is designed for processing meat - so sometimes I should get some, and I see that that kind of dizzyness can occur when I do a fast strong direct physical move - so tomorrow will see how it goes - so for second time I took some meat, not much -- fuck I was not eating meat in the last two years, but all was fine - except that intense physical movements were less effective and sometimes I even can see stars, you know what I mean...

I am settled in totally, I have not much inner reaction towards people, the place, the todos - I simply act and when inner movement occurs - I must correct immediately or write it down - this is very cool stuff -- and what I notice that this excitement comes up less and less as I move continously - like breathing and walking - before that the excitedness came upon when for instance a half minute I was inner silent and I was moving -- ok not always, but when I was pushing myself for instance I sit and breath -- this excitedness is related to expectations and past experiences, also psychedelic drugs and fear of losing myself as self-definition system program. self forgiveness is required --
at night time I was walking outside in the cool blackness and i was just walking - without anything - walking and be the walk, be the breath - slowly, not rushing, not moving anywhere - simply walking because I walk, so I am walk so to speak - no matter what - I walk as I am here as I am walking - sounds strange, but make sense.

apr 17
Ok, today I was sitting with Marlen and she assisted to go trough the resonance1 interview and fixing my misunderstandings how I transcribed the audio. I want to make the video ASAP.

apr 20 - some days passed - new resonance interview we did yesterday - the first one's sound quality was not good enough, so we specifically repeated the session so to speak - the matrix and self perfection is the topic. so from now own each night after ponytreats we meet and continue walking the matrix.
I am more stable, day by day I experience the difference...In the morning we worked with the horses and what I experienced that my shoulders started to unlock - yesterday this started and today experienced that I can simply be with relaxed shoulders - walking and and some months ago the same happened with my palms - if I push - I can relax my palms - and with the shoulders and palms - arms also become relaxed - what do I mean relaxed? I am breathing and no unnecessary muscle is locked - I realized, I have the tendency to hold too tight my body, especially when I am under pressure or fear or too much focus - so breathing trough is releasing the body locks, and I am becoming more and more comfortable to be within and as physical.
The resonances interview and another talks assists me extensively to remain here. Also suggested to eat some meat at least once a week, this walking through the matrix requires fiber nutritions.
Much changes I will do when I go back - directive, simple acts to sort out some mistakes what I did - will see.

Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up immediately when I point out a self-deception within myself - and by that suppression and energetic movement occurs what is avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire things, woman and situations instead of realizing that within the very act of desire - I separated myself from the thing,woman or situation what I desire after.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react to women in the mall/city like being in the male ego role by wanting to have their attention, by desiring after their attention and by feeding their desire after my attention by judgement.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define specific women as attractive and define others as not attractive and by this definity system - reacting automatically without even being aware of - simply because of how I defined myself and the relationship with women.
I forgive myself that I have defined power and self-trust according to how much attention I can 'get' from others, especially women.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore and express and ebrace power as self as presence as here as breath.
I forgive myself that I not allowed myself to stop in the moment when I see a woman who I could imagine to have sex with - by stopping meaning to not reacting, to simply stopping everything and remain here as breath as inner silence.


quite busy I am -yesterday my focus point is shoulders - release, relax, experience, embrace, BE my shoulders - and fascinating, as recently(one-two months before it started and it is still waving, but for some time it can be quite continous to be my palms as myself - as the physical body as myself -- my palms I can experience more directly physically --- so as I was wift Grootman and Fidelis - one moment my shoulders kind of unlocked - I realized how much I strain my shoulders, so I decided to focus on shoulders...and relaxing, being and exploring my shoulders physically, here, trough and as breath
shoulders day tomorrow also - and noticing human relationship matrixes as we discuss trough with resonances

1- South africa, Desteni farm part 1

2010 apr 8

just arrived
writing about just arrived

arriving SA JoBurg at customs:a black guy is reading about apartheid

dealing with men who take me to a hotel to get some sleep
noticing how deeply religion is gone into the local's resonance - "god's will", and "god will decide when I will have children" and bullshit like this
I remain quiet lol

i was suspicious about the locals -rumors spread - people told nasty stuff about SA -- but as it goes - they're normal people - it is not like in egypt or in india -- they are smart, their smile more warm than those who are sneaking around - they make me pay a lot but all is safe

For a while I was wondering how much I was in this Budapest city lately and how it's lifestyle ingrained into me - more likely how I allowed myself to be this swampy mood of being who I am as being there and defining myself as I am of Budapest now...
so yesterday I've moved over to SA for a month. Then I will see how it goes...
While I was traveling on the 3 planes - I got much of movement inside, sometimes there were like thought-rivers, sometimes just some simple thoughts were stuck and within cycles it went on and on and on until I said it's over.
So here at the farm is quite an opposite of everything - here is no real wicked busyness, no time after to run, however there are regular things.
The people here are direct, assisting and 'standalone' so to speak - meaning that they can stand alone for themselves quite well. Most of them I already knew through the forum, blogs, vlogs - but many changed a lot by the years - they are more mature, more responsible, focused, calm and expressive and directing

So my duty here is that at 6o clock horse-support happens, I've got a big horse, Hrutman to take care of - or I can say - I assist Fidelis in that and I learn, also at afternoon horses come back from the field, and at 8o clock we give them some apple/carrot/sweet potato
that's great -- I always was amazed by the horses, so regardless the poo and pee - they are great beings, very assisting to work with them - their eyes are speaking

Here I got a room, what Adrian just left today, so I am in the full of comfort with desk, lamp, bed, and I can enjoy the buzzing sounds of the night-crickets.
Later on I am going to record that sound with the camera, that I really like -- so I am going to use it somehow...

Regarding to process it is very assisting to be around people who are not thinking all the time, who are aware of the situation regarding to the mind and the birthing ourselves into physical trough and as breath here.
I've already talked with Andrea about to picking up SRA course, and I've read some pages and I am going to spend many time with the lessons. Also the muscle testing I want to be sure that I am not deceiving myself, to be able to have this stable foundation of muscle communication.

I also talked with Sunette and she told me a simple but very assisting sentence, that 'I will find out that even troughout acting I can enjoy relaxing'.
Chatting with Bernard was also very direct, no bullshitting around, he told me to slowly pick up the resonance and walk and breath with scripting up things and be sure that at a time I am facing one point, but that one really. Like one issue for one day.
also he told me that I am still an outsider so to speak, I should decide what direction I take - like leadership or assisting people or what
that's it for now

Here are dogs, like ten or more - they are very playful and this is really great that they are all around.
Timeless is always ready for some ballgame, he mostly brings one or two balls in her mouth just in the case that someone would like to play with her.
I was a bit lazy to not bring the powercore studio effect over here, they could use it extensively in the studio, but that was my decision, so this is the consequence. I did not want to let that instrument go in the luggage what went without me, within the stomach of the airplanes.
Also if soundcard, amplifier, cables, monitor speakers are not great as well - then it's almost worthless the effort what it could give because it is essential to hear flat all frequencies..
This obsession with sound quality is getting to bring it's fruit as I go forward with music production when I go back to my place in Budapest...

So, I've set up my desk - everything is here - the laptop, the emu-soundcard, the camera, the jewsharps and the headphones.
I am going to get a pc-keyboard to make typing more comfortable and a sandal will be also very useful what I am going to get quite soon.

This one month would be kind of enough in terms of finding out how and what direction I would take from this point.

What I want to do is to record different things with my camera and then try to edit/cut/compose them together - let's see that this laptop is strong enough for that. It's almost at the border...AVCHD MTS 1080p24p 24mbps requires a powerplant to process, not speaking about to effect/compress/render it...I am going to try to use after effects to see how it takes the pressure...

Shit is coming up also - when Andrea, Leila and Esteni were speaking in the kitchen about upgrading mind memory when Andrea told that she felt that her memory within her head is full so she can not put more information in - and Esteni suggested to have 'upgrade' to be able to handle more information.
They were making fun of talking about gigabytes and that kind of computer vocabulary and Gian was also speaking and he was not aware of that they are not speaking of computers and then that was fun for me to see him.
So I joined to the talk and I told that yes, that's totally the same as with the computers and he said that using phrases like gigabytes would make Andrea confused and I said that it's exactly the same.
And I felt like I was laughing off of him and handling him like a boy - but I did not mean like that - I also touched his shoulder and I looked into his eye but only for a moment and he was just going off to smoke a cig.
That thing came back when I was in bed that maybe I am doing this kind of attitude for women - but in fact I could say the same stuff with men. Fascinating...more likely it was a personality manifestation than momentary stable self expression...
But that would bring up also that why I am doing this kind of stuff - it's strange...
I wanted to told him that I did not want to be raw but then I did not mention it yet. Later on I felt like it is unnecessary - maybe next time...

Anyways, this place is just cool, everything is provided, I can focus on process here.

next day apr9
I am trying the new keyboard out - we went out to city to shopping, today was hot, some moments it was about 35 degrees. So I've bought a hat also. Sandals I still could not get. Soon...
So I am still settling in, I start to get how to handle the horse, Grootman - he is big and quite nice, also has a bit fat belly. Fidelis is showing me how to clean his feet, how to search for ticks, how to clean after him, how to feed etc...
For the first time he looked huge and serious, now I see he is kind and his big eyes are speaking.

I've heard some interesting birds shouting around, I've picked them by eyes, very soon I will shoot them with my camera.

Today I read the SRA session lesson two, I said all self forgiveness aloud, many I had to read up aloud multiple times, I am adjusting my focus back on this.
Many points were shared there as examples how to open a point and ho to walk it around, how to get to it's core - and many things I experienced that is exactly assisting for me at the moment, so I said those multiple times until I was quite aware of what I am saying and what that would imply.
At nighttime I was spending some time with cubase, still setting it up, configuring, installing VST - it's really a great tool, I was exploring with some melodies and effects. This software is the key for musical expression for me.

next day apr10
About cubase it is priority to record, sketch, 'improvise' mostly, some composing thing as well, but not mastering - without the monitor speakers and card - I am almost blind anyway.
We were today again in the town, yesterday I wrote a letter to Klaudia, so today maybe write to others as well. At nighttime I experienced much more stability than the days before - so I started to focus on discipline, and breathing trough the addiction of thinking while I am doing something in physical, mostly something alone, like walking or doing something what I defined in the past as not important, boring etc.
I visited around some people and see how they settled in.
Andrea and Francoise were having SRA muscle commnunication test and I was an observer. I watched the SRA videos of lesson 3 also, many points are getting more clear and I am picking up the paste.

apr 11
I woke up by myself before 5:50 when the alarm would wake me up.
I slept around 5 and half hours, that was enough probably.
So I am continuing to watch SRA lesson 4 videos.
AFternoon I am going to internet cafe with Maite and Darryl and we are going to make comments to youtube videos.

Issues what came up recently are like I am hesitating to do something what obviously has to be done in order to remain quiet for not disturbing others. This stuff was faced once before, so I am going trough this more specifically.

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to believe that when I am moving around with some sound that would disturb others instead of realizing that if others would be disturbed by these sounds then that is probably their issue and I stop concerning until others would tell me that 'you are noisy'.
I am directing myself to simply open the doors and going to toilet and not allowing myself to think around like 'Am I noisy?' or 'Psst' or 'Shut up' or anything - simply be directive and breath and walk and act.

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to concern about others instead of simply be me and if someone is being disturbed, then I will notice that or if not then the being's responsibility to take directive action and then tell me what to do.
It is not mean that I don't give a fuck, simply releasing this fear of being disturbing.

It is mean that I find others disturbing? In fact no, because if it would do like that, then I would use my headphone immediately so then I would not even hear anything and doing what I am actually doing without any disturbance.

so finding points for muscle commnunication session with Andrea

- the pointing finger - as it has that skin problem and quite often having pain on that finger - scars would occur often etc - direction issue?
-suppressed compounded sexual desire/energy would cause enormous pain down there and blocking me intensely for a half an hour to a hour
-focusing issue that I loose the self direction mostly with jack in the box memory
-scar on chest does not heal since years
its like burning from a cigarette - that would maybe be linked to breathing and when I force it unnatural, such as a machine I would operate, then lungs could have a burning experience

Ok and how to work with suppression - specifically when I am thinking while I am doing something
what things I do regularly what I should purify first - as I do these every day
-waking up in bed
-waiting for computer when it loads slowly
-walk around in the farm
-using toilet
-taking bath
-eating -- alone/with others
-taking picture/video
-diswashing/washing/clipping nails/hair

so these issues are a bit similar - as I am not here as breath as inner silence but I am allowing thoughts running around - and sometimes thoughts just pop up and go or one thought could induce to 'jump to' an other thought, so this running would take me away continously from here - from breath and remain within and as the physical

How I define different actions regarding to doing it alone/doing it with others/doing it in situations/doing it when others would approach to me...

Also when I suppress things, then it is compounded then later on within these moments, when I do not require absolute focus to be able to do that - then I would say, I still have some 'processing mind' capability to run thoughts - or I programmed myself to do these things(below in the list) automatically, like a robot, so then I would not be here, not experience directly, only trough the mind, so then within and as the mind I could 'run' inside - by thinking, experieincing energetic experiences.

as I was working with these SRA lessons - I was like seeing a pattern within me regarding to examples I read - I had a realization what was quite a fast and intense but I am not sure how it was or even what was it really

it was like in an immediate time I was able to process much information immediately - and it was like seeing a road, standing at the beginning, and standing at the middle and standing already at the end from the perspective of seeing it - but that was just like a perception about how it would go if I would go like that but not real
however I was like maybe quantum realizations work like that

like seeing patterns and symbols and emerging and directly experiencing and integrating - strange

it was about jealousy and desire thing, but i can not pick up any issue like this lately, so i just write stuff around here and will see how it goes...
like I was closed in the last several years, after that incident with Esster when we came along and she was like this - she had her new boyfriend but he remained in hungary - and I was with her and I built up a desire along with months towards her - so I wanted to be with her but I said - ok, she has somebody, fuck it, then no - and she was like 'yes, I have a boyfriend, he is that, but he is not here, you are here' - so she was closing in - and after a while I accepted it anyway - and then we had sex, it was intense, energetic and then suddenly she became histerical and her boyfriend was jealous and big shit was that she was totally out of herself and then she felt between two horses because I said: well, this is over now, you be with your boyfriend(it was november and he was to come to meet us in india), so I was smoking and bycicling around in the ricefields while she was approaching me and wanted to discuss this and wanted to be with me, but I was escaping, and I did not take self-responsibility for myself and for her, so she was freaky, so after some weeks, at next country, in Thailand, we split, and we met rarely on that trip since her boyfriend arrived - and this stuff was just too intense, so from that point I skipped to want to be with girl, to complicate things - I was not able to realize that I create these events, I can do different, I can correct the situations, so I rejected some girls around me at the rainbow gathering near the jungle at the beach, rather I smoked.

So that issue has changed recently about in summer when I was with Gy for a while but nothing 'deep/serious' happened, she was not really open towards me, so after 3 months, I stopped the communication with her, because it was not that honest, stable, agreement-like what I wanted...and then about one-two months ago when I met with K and I was faced and I did not run away, I rather opened myself and realized she is very stable on a way and self-honest and not so mindfucked, and more likely bodily expressive than saying too much blabla, what other woman all the time do.
So this relationship, woman thingy - I am kind of opened up and it is fascinating that to see about multiple woman I am with very opened - I am not particularly desire after them, but maybe a bit of attraction - but I am opening myself up as much as I can and will see what happen - but at the moment to have sex it was only with K.

With an other one girl I was like, maybe I am curious how sex would go with her - but when we are together I am rather momentary and expressive and she is not really directing like that - she is being a woman role and I am experiencing this male role to slip in - or not -- and I like to play with this situation -- to not slip in, to not grab her ass literally and take it - but more likely be me as a being and be with her as a being...

but maybe she is with me because of this - because I am not wanting her as woman, and then maybe she wants me to want her as a woman too but that just does not happen...

I mean I have to be direct with her, to get to the point and speak
For instance I jumped onto her on the bed and we did some kisses and she did not looked like resisted - she was laughing and smiling and kissing back and that was like --hmm ok, then wtf to do?
And then nothing happened more, she left and I am cool.

Also before I traveled to SA, Gy popped in to say bye to me and then I was like keeping the distance but after a while we were lying on each other and things like that and whe was kind of opened with me - more likely than ever before - she looked a bit desperate -- she asked me about what she could do in a situation when she has her boyfriend who with she is not enjoying the sex, like she did with the previous boyfriend, with her love, so how she could inform her partner without reducing his self-trust...
I laughed a lot about this and then said her that she should whisper what she would want from him, or speak up about it, or direct him directly in situations what she would prefer...and also I told her that it is already strange that her partner is not experiencing this as she - or if he noticed this already, then why not try new things, change, or speak up?
So I told her that self honesty and direct action as speaking up is required, and she said, 'well maybe it is not THAT important, without enjoying sex it could be also just fine' and I told her that she is absolutely stupid, and compromising herself.

So it is cool that she opened like that and I can assist her but also it is a good point to face that am I desiring her as well?
So she took her shirt and I gave a massage to her...a bit reaction still was towards her but at least it did not consume me into automatic reaction...
She suggested that we could be friends and meet regularly but I told her that our starting point is totally different - as she wants to save the world, she want to be enlightened by the buddhist methods, and she wants love and lot of bullshit thingies she still embraces, perceived as herself...and I told her that my starting point is oneness and equality, self honesty, self forgiveness, not of energy, not of enlightenment or love or saving the world, so if we would spend time together - at some points we would always disagree, so it is obvious that we can not meet regularly, so I said rather no...

let me continue next time...