Sunday, September 28, 2008

Dream - self forgiveness

i just 'did' a dream - I start in a house and exploring many many rooms & stepped into a killer and I start escape to try to get somewhere and lol many stairs many rooms many wretched things and I wonder for a moment then 'it' gets me - and causing the restart the whole stuff
- slowly i get out to street, listening self-moment but same occurs - I again stumble into house stairs - here 'lol' atm as I type - I find another ways but still stumble into 'bagend' and restart here
in fact Im not sure what is this what haunts me so better in the 'next' OPPORTUNITY to just see as it is before run lol
- is like a woman but heey very ironic and my mind is getting being ironed with self-honesty

i am trying to escape but as more i try to escape i am haunted
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to escape from my own creation instead of stand and show and express self-trust HERE as inner silence without re-go to escapism as thinking as creating separation.
I forgive myself that I accept and then allow fear to be absolute honest with a girl - indicating I let a little door inside me to not be self-honest with the basic placement about my relationship within this existence.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my own expression based on memory or conformity especially to handle situations about relationship, and by this not leting go, not even opening that door or if yes then I choose run instead of stand and actually dare myself to remain here - instead of being re-member of past and re-occur-ac-tivate the same self-dishonesty until no other way left and then facing inevitabely.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fear from change - self-definition based on continous c-re-accepted and c-re-allowed g(e)o me try -- the manifested crea-tor-ture lol
instead of realising that I am here the basic starting point principle in and as every moment of every breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let myself to be event directed - trusting more likely in my accepted and allowed manifestation than I trust me here - and by this I am depending on my created mirror image and by being is my precious' playing with the knowledge instead of LIVE the embracement.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become dependent to experience my creation because without it I could not be who I actually experience myself - let it go - when is not here - then is not really me as moment.
I forgive myself that I acceptedd and allowed myself to try to develop strange ability such as painting onto or covering from the mirrored-reflection of my expression and by looking it and realising -- doing changing myself -- indirectly - lol but in this way - I am chaining myself onto the mirror and the base wont be released because I can not change it without let it go for ever and be without ANY projected self-definition...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as my past memory - let it go let it go - by realising why and how happened and self-forgiveness and trusting the moment infinitely and b-r-e at here.

Opportunity

I am literally able to do anything
I realised much before
even within childhood i said to me well I can be anything
I can do anything what I want
but what I want?
I looked into me and I came up with this idea of intelligency and wisdom
accomodation and surviving - practicality and deep simplicity
when i started to wake up - I was around 18 and realised my limits - I wanted something really
and as I wanted as she more escaped
so I gave up and I cried for a day and just cried cried
since then - ten huge years i did not cry
but I realised something very profoundly - what I want - especially what I want to be - I can do
but what I did not see meanwhile - that what I become - on the same way I limit me to be bound to be just that and within my expression and experience - nothing more - nothing less - but still limited - by the idea of something to be
to understand creation it's totality - in the simplest momentaric way - to be able to just undo the want - by moving backwards within the relationship in this 3D manifested phisical world - and change my expression - the geometry of relationship trough participation with and finally as the words -

but what I wanted to be?

first I wanted to be magician - real wizard, because then I maybe I can do anything...
after then I realised well, this is only possible when i rule the laws of phisicality - but for this i realised after some really shocking acid trips that until i do not understand me internally - I can not understand how I can even to be whatever I want
and I just did not see that I already shaped my experience - well predetermining my experience
and the idea of to be whatever I want - now the WHY came up - and why after why after why - to get the core of the REASON of my participation and the real CAUSE of me of who I experience myself to be at this moment...
and I was really sceptic about many kind of expressions - and as I defined that I can not explain or find the numerical pattern of art - I simply wanted to prove to me that I can be artist - I simply can become srt - because if yes - I can be really anything ---
of course I saw my communication skills werent so good - because of the inhibited and supressed nature - because of my deep desires and had to be kept hidden because obviously I was not "normal" from the perspective of what I really want in this world -- when I was a kid or when I realised something more about this phisical 3D existence - beyond of just eat, entertain, family, consume, die culture...

So I came up with art stuff - and I tended to be seen as an artist - but in fact I copied - I copied many because I easily could as my specialisation was this - to just be a chameleonlike vampire who can get samples of expressions and within this just adopt and use...
And as I had no clue about who I really am - I lost within the patterns - I've lost within the expressions and I simply defined myself as what I actually do - and still this kind of self-definition methodology limited me more likely - but in a specific way gave to me more self-trust - slowly but surely building up something what I ever never wanted to try to share to understand - because I realised - I can not explain who I am or what I really want - so I never wanted to even try to explain to anybody - I simply let people see within me what they want and I adopted to this - looooong time spent like this - and I had to do this, because I realised something I can not have really - some kind of stability from this world - because I always felt like I am kind of alien of this society - never felt like mine - never wanted to be seen as it's part - because I never felt like I need a civilisation behind my shoulders to be able to define me who I am according to theese system - but in fact I had to because without it - I could not start to understand who I am - but within the participation with and finally as this society system - I am.

Kind of floating in quantum state but a bit still fear of start to manifest - because of concerning what should I be - but it is already predetermined - becoming the director of my life - to experience the total full moment within and as me as who I really am.

Of course many stuff kind of profession I never intended to be - for example soldier - but in fact I have very good cabability - to be even a general or doctor or scientist or even a musician - so easy - but to become this is really kind of breathing life into the expression...

So this director stuff came upon more likely - to simply direct everything what is HERE as me as one as equal.

As I know that my will is really my strong side - but in other part of polarity I see cycles and bothering - what I really want I simply do - but if not - is impossible.
I was around let's make a movie - to actually direct the sound, the pictures - the shots, the scenes, the actors, the story the sound effects and everything but about what?
About self-realisation within and as this whole existence - and hey - I am already within and as this movie - it is happening...

In the last months I spent much time about how movies are being maked - and how are specificly designed and how less are very random - much can come from intuition but the concept is very previsionised - and all words starting with con - now I have deeper insights - as I see it's limits and the prerequirements of theese - but in fact the "I can do it" - whould be just an other justification before actually express - instead of just express, express, express.

So now I understand how can directors work - of course very raw this kind of knowledge - and needs to be expressed in 3D - to actually see what it means in REAL life..

So what I am doing actually to be able to shape into a form what is necessary to be able to script up theese videoclips/scenes/movies to actually make..
And of course theese are wont be like 3 hours cinema hits - but in fact I do not even need this...


And actually more clearly I experience this within me as me - and more easily I embrace this without any thoughts or emotions - the more easily I am not disturbed with the con-s to actually express me as theese kind of actions...

And of course I understand that theese are just kind of preparations of something more but in fact at this moment I am focusing on what is here - because this is the fascinating - because this is what is actually I am.

And day by day I see I think really less and less - because the more time I realise the unnecessity of thinking - I more likely accept myself here and the more likely I am being experienced by and as myself as the presence of inner silence - the more likely I see that I can remain inner silent - because the leting go of all relationship of past or preimagined (based on desire or fear - but in fact are the same)...
And slowly but surely I trust me without to even think about I forgive myself and I apply myself and I can embrace what is here...
And then I start to really see and understand what is here and how things work - and this is the cool stuff about then I understand that everything is a reflection of me - so as I move myself within and as self-honesty - everything is my response-ability - so I can express HERE.

So let go of defining myself as opportunity to be something
and LIVE all life as me as one as equal HERE

Ok then here I can do my videos and music because I do not build more relationship but within the expression I can release the points what come up with the actual moment...


And of the extensive amount of supression of sexual desire as since 2 years I did not made sexual intercourse but in fact I let myself to desire after it - something I let be gathered in myself - and for instance I wanted to let this go, let this 'dealt out'/'release'/'transcend' asap - like ok I want sex - but in fact this is the point where my release of charging up emotional thinking system can be stabilized - and that's why is a kind of issue to figure out how it work and what it is - and I wanted it fast - I wanted it now - so I saw what was more likely the shortest way - and I came up with the idea about well, then jump into the right center of this and let's see what will happen...as I have the tendency to do this and after some sharp snaps I gey myself very early up - but is also an interesting point...
So I came up about sex to actually visit some places where people are doing sex freely - as I saw something like this with the rainbow hippies but they were not really obsessed with this - but just because of supressions...and of 'norms' - but yet was weaker - I still saw...
So I found the idea of 'swinger' like people go and just without rules do whatever they want even about sex - but to participate within this - I actually could face with my intense control of desire - and today as I saw the lord of the rings - 'my precious' - something I understood - there is no any situation where I could really 'fall' into the temptation when I really dont want - I mean I mean it like this...
Like I understand now what means to be clear from the perspective of not using ANY drugs - like I dont desire or I am not curious about drugs anymore, even it would be mescaline what I never tried...because actually I decided and I stand.

And of course the sexual desire is kind of same - but with different images - with different words - but are about the same - the expression - the fear of not having enough time so desiring shortcuts in the swampy forest of desire...

And everything is well specificly pre-designed as I need to participate somehow to be able to experience this - and if I do not - it just dont happens...
I mean about anything what I ever wanted - and I sliced myself into parts - and theese parts are slightly separated by time and space - and meanwhile I am within one part - I am kind of slave of it as I predetermined the situation how it would control me - to be able to flow, to be able to still become less than what directs me outside separatedly from me - because in this way I found very sure and determined and well organized. And when the 'time'/'space' of 'change' has need to come - I simply do - because I just do and that's it...

And I am bound to my decisions - but now I determine theese and I see the wayout - practically - this is very very assisting to be trusted within me as me - practically deal out the situations - like payback loan - like getting the experience of skills what I need to be able to do what I am getting to express within this world - and still being able to stand and deprogram the layers - because time is illusion, because space is merely a relationship within this world what I perceive as my perception within it...

When I see many people - about consciousness I realised very clearly something quite years before but now I can put it into words - but this time is the morning as I am now rest some hours...
- - - -
Ok just slept and while glympses of golden sunrise is fondling my view i finish this

so I simply dont participate - and as I let it re-participate - I recreate - and by needing to recreate I justifying it as me because can not be separated my creation from myself - and are linked - but to actually be able to change from outside - like go out and 'get a girl' - just wont happen by sitting here and hope - but in fact as the knowledge what I obtain about this is not really who I am - actually more likely obstruction as at this moment this is who I am - and to be self-honest - I see and I express - because I do not fear about I am this infinitely - but I am the actual moment infinitely as one as equal
so I do not seek relationship I do not seek seekx, because it is here or not - and if it is here then I let myself express - but if is not here - merely self-deception to participate with the IDEA of it - because I see me and I understand this is what I see is not who I really am - but I be-lieved so be-haveored like this seeker of relationship - same with objects, experiences, people - I am the same with all situations - as I am my limit - and if I do not have limit - I am everything. Response-ability.
So this stuff - I dont want to face with touch, sex, because I define myself as it's seeker - not the actual experience - because trough enormous time I supressed but still desired - and I've became apparently tnis desire - instead of just be the experience. Trap.
And when an 'opportunity' is here - I use my knowledge to hide - to de-fence - against my de-sire - instead of just LIVE HERE - without rules of conformed patterns, con-cern of others who I did put value and worth because I couldnt find this within me as me at one moment and I stuck as I wanted to maintain this illusion. Just stop this...
Wanting to have this desire - and then letting go - but then when I fall into the self-doubt for more than minutes - I r-e-go and re-create - c-re-ate the same shit - my poo-Is-on of illusion of 'there' because I am not express myself here - because of ANY reason.

And to be able to stand and being reflected by the people who I make 'con-tact' - as my exwife who said "well, Dsoseph this is crazy" - and I justify by projecting the opposite judgement of mine to her right at the moment when she said this - and the deception I see here.

I forgive myself that I acceptedna and allowed myself to not see my deception when I react immediately to 'my' ex - but in fact she is an axe of my mind because she knows it and not wants it not wants to fight against and just cool - but not be fool to fall into the trap of illusionaric light of her momentary beauty because this is also me - here - no need to catch, or grab, or re-create - because I am actually HERE.
I forgive myself that I also accepted and allowed desire her for maybe one time sex but is like when Bilbo sais at the end of LOTR - once more I would like to touch the RING - but it is no more - burnt in the DOOM lol and I do not go into that place to seek-se-nsee a gain because I smell the hell.
So I just listen to her when she sais - well just get a girl when you want - as you more fight the more you struggle. STOP it...
lol obvious
and I do not use this desire to re-create to hide from my actual momentary expression - - because I had the limit and habit of judging before express, and that's why do not express - and within the judgement somehow I want to express and by the supression - flowing out the previous supression - so not making music and videos and breath here and direct body accordding my self-motivation and self-will and self-honesty - but desiring for sex but every moment I 'spend' I see more clearly until I dare me to never 'go back there' again - because I am here and I trust me to express me and not stop and not judge - day by day I stabilize
and when I perceive 'fall' or 'stuck' I see that is also a judgement - of fear of not having enough time of being able to unify the totality of me - but is already here....

Thursday, September 25, 2008

In ten see

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge the world noisy - and defining it as unbearable - to actually justifying this as a reason to escape into my mind where the noise of my own thoughts can be experienced.
I forgive myself that I wanted to escape from this world.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to escape from this world, because I am limited, I want to escape from myself because is too intense.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being aware is too intense.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to find another solution to be aware but without this intense experience - instead of realising that being here is who I am within and as everything. So I stop this expression. I am here and the intensity is just an other definition - an other try to justifying the try of escape from the fact that I am here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become embarrased from my own limits. But as the words indicating. My own limits - I own my limits. Because I defined myself as I need - instead of realising that is not necessary - let go. Let go all mind-limits - are illusions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from intensity.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself from fearing from intensity because of the belief that I can loose myself within the belief - instead of realising that I fear judging the definied perception of experiencing intensity and within the act of judgement of the expression as judging intensity - I can loose myself - because I am what I act - and within the judgement I am not here and if it is intense - it is much much more that just one two judge - but in fact when something is intense - the definitions can not be followed - it is superfast - and that's why the automatic system takes place - and everything is out of control - out of perceptioned self-control - but it never was - because the intensity indicates that I am not aware - because I defined it too intense - instead of just being me here and experiencing the expression within me as me one and equal.

So I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to use drugs such as mj or acid to actually escape from the intensity what is here - and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to built a desire from try to escape from the intensity of my accepted and allowed nature.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being loosed within intense experiences - such as confronting people, confronting possibility of death, or anything where I have a tendency to define trough my past to try to rid of the situation because of fear of loosing myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing myself because I do not experience any stable thing within my world - instead of realising the stability is my presence HERE - and that is always here who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am actually here - I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am the responsible of my experience, EACH.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing myself, because I defined me trough and as my mind, my memory, my past and my desires what are also based of my past - and this mind is merely an illusionaric not infinite expression of me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing myself because I am not aware of breath - instead of just being here and being honest with myself and being here accepting me and expressing without any judgement.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being lost because I can not define anything within the moment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that when I judge something as defining - that I am separated from anything - instead of realising that the belief of separation is coming from the act of defining - de-fine -to be able to re-fine- because within the judgement is not here - and that's why the illusion of separation can be experienced and within the expression of this experience - I defined myself trough what I express - and by this I fell into my trap of my trap.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the illusion of separation - because of I did regret - and instead of change i tried to deny, I tried to hide - but when I am here - I experience me - so I dare myself to remain here and experience and face with myself to be able to be one and equal with and as me.

Practical

Practical expression within and as 3D

Practicality Practicality Practic all ity

When I was kid - I had some kits - construction kits - mainly of phisical experiments - levers, resistors, motors, electric magnets etc - and as I watched Nicola Tesla's life story - I realised that I enjoyed so much that just seeing the pieces and putting together spontaenously and seeing the result - within 3D - and the result was always obviously here: as my experiment did worked - the stuff did something - or just not.

And after all I got computer and I started to express myself within computer worlds - and games, and programming, and planning and installing and patching and upgrading and programming and developing and learning and knowing and programming and basically the same happend within and as my mind - from 3D I went into abstract - and fascinating to see how I divided myself from 3D - and something started with the dance, something started with the juggling, with the painting, with the music - but I decided to do this again - like getting theese stuffs and putting together - like enjoying to just express myself not only in/on computers, but more likely something what is obviously here. As I have basic knowledge of many kind of 'scientific' stuff - I do not need to think really - ok for the complicated stuffs - like tesla coils or walking robots - but I was dreaming about this for years - and of course I did not do - but why not? As this 'time' what I 'have' is not too much from the perspective of work but in fact the time is just a kind of judgemennt based of fear of not being able to experience - - and of course I see a tendency of peing particularized - like I want to make music and I have the instruments what I need (ok not all but almost) and I just do not become obsessed and possessed of it and doing and doing - -
but here is a slight(Yet) experience of I can do this - I can express myself in various ways - as I have supressed so much trough the years - so I just express express express - and just I am here and express - and let's see what will be unfolded by and as this as me as one as equal here.

And very cool experience that I wanted to find some kind of sounds for a track and still some stuff is missing, but mostly I gathered - just for a simple music track - but this one I started one and half year ago - and will be as I want - and of course it not yet designed totally - but the basic I contain - so I am slowly but surely ready to express myself and make this track to be on cd - and will be not really usual, will be not reaallly peaceful - but will be intense, expressive and very cool:)

And this stuff is very interesting - as I embrace theese polarity manifestations within me as me here - as I just do as momentary expression - but of course I can hear so I can change to be the one what I want to express - and of course the best way to not judge anything - but the technical stuff is a kind of mirror - as the quality of sound is merely very important - not because of the norms, but because of what is this about - a sound track music what is for being listened really aloud and many people and danceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

And I trust my body - as when I move my body as me have the expression about a track is cool for dance or not - and this is the infinite trust what I slowly but surely develop trough the years - and now I can trust me within and as this - because is obviously here - as I dance here - my thighs as the bass and the hand movements what I let me to express - basically be the sound as me as equal here - and this is who I am. hollalalalalala

So this is about not being obsessed with the technical and the judgement issues - but being self-honest about I express me as this music and is this who I really am or not.

Of course when it sounds just noisy or not as strong as can be - I redo and I change and I start from scratches - as I started to do many tracks but many fell - because of self-judgement - of polarity - about : is not cool enough - but I did not changed to a way to be that - because I found excuses - not cool tech stuff I have, I do not know this, I need to practise that, I need time, I need blalblblalbalba ..
no more - I am here and I am making this track alive - and I do not care about anybody I make it as I want and that's it hahahahaha

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try to judge this writing how silly is - instead of realising that this is actually what I am one and equal with and as - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself silly - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my writing as silly just because of I judged the topic of writing about this music/doubts/obsticles - would be very boring or not interesting for others -
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to even think about others when I write here - instead of embracing all as me as one as equal - I do not need to hide - because within the hiding I define me trough my fear - and this is not real, this is not who I really am so I can stop here.

Breath here
breath here
I am breath here
I stabilize me here as no need to think on future - no need think of past - because I am here - and I forgive myself that I hit my left pointer finger to the keyboard and having pain - of direction - for a moment - but in fact I am here and I started to expreience this more often:

I am here- hey where is my breath? here is my breath...

and is like more and more situations I can be just here - of course sometimes for moments it can be tough - as tonight came a gipsy ticket checker guy and I had no ticket and he said ok pay now or receive check - and I said none of this I take off(from tram) and I just go - and he said well this wont work, pay now or receive a bill - and I said I just go off and thats IT. and he said he come with me and I said well then I'll run and he said he can reach and I looked into his eyes and I said i do not think so and the wolfeye started and i realised hey i am here and I started to become a bit nervous about yes I saw that I can run faster because he is smaller and he was not sure and of course I did not wanted this so I just looked him until something moves inside and he just turned away and I took down and walked down from tram - so in this moment I experienced some slight fear - same as I had within the great pyramid in egypt - but I just breathed and in a minute I just did not think and breath and ate a chockolete and let it go and was interesting - 2 points came up

1 - I wanted to use this situations as a test - how I am here and how I let myself to be embarrassed with the situations what come up very rarely and spontaenously
2 - as I am experiencing that I am here - there are some points what are still hiding - and obviously the same origin of theese: fear of loss - fear of losing myself - but in fact I can not loose myself - so within and as theese situations just breath - even when a ticket checker come after me - becauase is of the society's system's control - even when ten big guys want to deskin me - theese are mind-fantasies what went into deeply indefinied and theese stuffs are influencing me to not being here --
but in fact theese are the points where I went in my mind-labirinth and by theese I can realise my dishonest walls - as I do not want to pay - I want to cheat, I want to experience adventure, risk and adrenalin for instance or playing...

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of loosing my breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to cheat because I do not want to pay for the service what I use.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from others because they can harm me or limit my illusionaric freedom.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am untouchable.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from fast running because that would harm my feet, ankle.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use adrenaline as a tool as nervousness and defining this as joy separatedly from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be concerned about others because I trust within other's judgement based on my onw judgements - STOP.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from confrontation of others.
I forgive myself that I acceppted and allowed myself to not stand up and just breath here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from the consequences what I caused...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Where is my breath? Here is my breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and alllowed myself to fear to express myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that many gestures of my body - is actually not really pleasant but as I am not here - I am not aware of that I express myself as this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse my own human phisical body - trough my ironnatured desires, fears, definitions, plans, perceptions and supressions - unacceptable - I am one and equal with and as my body - so I stop the abuse.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use even the thought of the justification of that I use my mind as thoughts, memory, definitions about what expression would be acceptable, cool or succesfull - especially with the music.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to being programmed to conform,
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not trust me within me as me unconditionally - because that I 'know' that I have to fall some times to learn within and as the experience to be able to just express me without thinking - and using this knowledge actually I am desiring and procastinating at the same time to maintain and be the polarity manifestation. I simply stop as I am here as my breath.

I forgive myself that I use events outside from me to actually direct me - and in a certain way it can work - but it is indirect - and not I am directing me as me here - but I direct outside and being the slave of situations trough accepting my expression as this and not stopping and simply being the directive principle within and as every moment of every breath. I am here. Here is my breath. Where is my breath? Here is my breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge solmaz's face trough my memory because she can make face movements as me and I can see dishonesty and actually easy to realise that I see me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that what I can express as writing down trough and as words as me as equal - can be stabilized.
I use this at this moment as I realised some time ago but I still could not express because of the complexity but in fact I wanted to express it as complex because I perceived it as complex, but in fact is simple, so simple.

As humans judge others - and themselves - I wanted to make a video about this but I just could not figure out simply without thinking so when I started to think, I stopped to do so because I realised this is mind-work, and 2-3 times I did it and I am here and I write down and that's it and that's all.
So when I judge myself trough others - first I judge others by the accepted self-definition (what is previously being developed trough this judgement mechanism..)- by the judgement of how I perceive that others judge me - and within this perception - I judge my own perception - and within this judgement - I actually judge my own judgement of my own definition of myself - no more no less that what and how I perceive myself to be.

~~~
Where is my breath? Here is my breath.
Fascinating Matti thanks this is easy tool and can be applied all moments and I walk and I stand and I do something and I say - where is my breath? And Here is my breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fight against my accepted nature - and building slow big cycles of droughts and storms with many lightings to charge out and defining me as this charging out and by this I am 1 depending on the drought and the storm and of course of the thunder - so basically the colums of the polarity manifestations and by taking samples of theese intense experiences - I am this mind system - literally of a program - STOP STOP STOP ST OPST OPST OPST OPST OPST OPSTOP STOP STOP ST OP STOP ST OPST OPSTOPSTOPST OP STOP STOP ST OP STOP STOP STOP STO P STOP STOP STO PST STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STO P cool
stop just stop lol lol
i forgive myeslf that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be playful because I define myself as serious - instead of realising that I judge me before I express and change the expression trough the judgement - of past -of fear - of what others would think and of what I can perceive as myself or not. Too much analysis - I am here as breath. I am here as moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to find a place where I can make music - instead of I just move and express and do and do and express and do and I experience and I am here - so obvious that I never accepted myself to be here - even when I started to experience - I fell to fear, judgement and it is enough.
All what I want is unnecessary shit - as a big bag I pull in the forest - instead of just stand up and I am here - as simply be moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to just being excited trough the fact that I am inner silent - but using this excitedness to move inside - because I defined entertainment as excitedness - instead of realising that entertainment is of separation, excitedness is of separation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire for a proper soundcard because without it I can not make good music.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire a playstation3 to be able to play with the new starwars game.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge others basically upon my own dishonesties - instead of living the unconditional self-forgiveness as self-correcting application immediately.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress my sexual desire so in my dream I experience dizzy sexual content.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use partnerseeker webpages to try to find a sexual relationship - instead of being here and realising that I am desiring for me express me to experience me and using this as an excuse.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be abstract and enjoying the abstract and not realising that the practicality is about being here - and when I was a kid I was able to be simply practical - but I excaped into computerism, softwares, into worlds what can not be touched phisically. But I am here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from the phisical.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the phisical is less than the energetic.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put worth and value into energy - trough defining myself as energy - instead of realising that who I really am am is not of energy - just I accepted and allowed myself to perceive and being controlled trough and as energy. STOP.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge depeche mode as cool - stop relationship - it is here within me as me - no separation.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

What are your limits?

WHY?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

3D

3D
Te jó ég! Megnyilvánultam három dimenzióban!
A három dimenzióban vagyok. A három dimenzió vagyok...
Ebből rögtön arra következtetek, hogy ITT vagyok a térben - xyz
Ma eldöntöttem, elég az absztrakt filozófiákból, az agyamra ment
megöl - nem él - megölöm magam - nem élek....túlságosan is éles volt az agyam...nyugi van ...
lágyan szól a phi - kellemes muzsika - afféle kezdet egy vadabb táncos mókára...
Magamnak írok magamról - megosztom - leheletfinomból menjen ki csak az a mély sóhajszerű - ez vagyok én .. ahogy veszem a levegőt ...
Ahogy benntartom, ahogy kifújom és ahogy kinntartom. Ez művészetnek is mondható, tekintve, hogy senki sem műveli - pedig ez az önművelés - az ITTlét.
Mert hát ha én nem művelem magam az ITTlétre, csupán mint ITTLÉT - mi okozná ezt...
Tehát - túl sokat akartam, túl sokat tudtam, túl sokat elértem, túl sokat megtudtam...túl sokmindent láttam, és túl sokmindent tanultam...
Semmit nem ér, hogy remegő lábbal másztam alá a piramisoknak, hogy beállva bolyongtam az Ang-kor ezeréves kőomladékai között, hogy magam jártam körbe és körbe a helyet, ahol buddha állítólag szanaszétvilágosodott, s ültem ugyanott, ugyanúgy, elengedtem a vágyaim ugyanott, megtapasztaltam, milyen, mikor goán vagyok és a partiban táncolok százakkal, elgyalogoltam a zarándokút végéig, felkutattam és gyakoroltam hét zsák önmegvalósítós tudományt, a keleti tanokat, az antropozófiát, a sámánizmust, a zent, számos és számtalan gurut megnéztem, meghallgattam, megérintettem, s láttam, hogy nem tudnak többet, mint én - vagyis csak tudnak, de nem ÉLnek - kevés - átlátszó - szürke - én inkább tapasztalok... meglestem sokmindent, kipróbáltam a hedonizmust, a festészetet, még meg is néztem pár csoportszexet éééés éltem a trópusi dzsungelben a tengerparton - de ez semmi, ahoz képest, hogy ITT vagyok - lemondok minderről, nem kell, nem kell ezek alapján definiálnom magam - nem kell sem túlélőnek, sem jóginak, sem utazónak, sem mérnöknek, sem programozónak, sem matematikusnak, sem bölcsnek, sem utcazenésznek, sem cigánynak, sem művésznek, sem hippinek, sem juppienek, sem junkienak lennem, mert ITT vagyok - nem kell zenésznek, sem rendezőnek, sem vágónak, sem báttynak tennem magam, mert ITT vagyok -
nem vágyom a legszebb arcú karcsú lányra, aki olyan, mint én, mert magamat kerestem, nem vágyom, hogy tanítsak másokat, mert ITT vagyok,
nem kell hatalomra törekednem, mert lemondtam az irányításról - nem kell semmi elkülönülés, nem kell semmi egyenlőtlenség, nem kívánom azt, hogy az egóm alapján definiáljam és irányítsam magam és másokat, mert ITT vagyok...
nem kívánok szebb, erősebb, egészségesebb, gyorsabb, jobb testet, nem kívánok több pénzt, nem kívánok sem barátokat, sem elismerést, mert ITT vagyok...
és ezt válltig állítom, ez vagyok - felesleges bedobozolnom magam, bármiféle kategóriába, mert abban a pillanatban csak az vagyok - és már látom, tapasztalom, hogy az vagyok, amit kifejezek, amiként látom magam, az alapján fejezem ki magam - - tehát miért is akarnám úgy látni magam, mint egy akármi, mikor lehetek minden - ITT.
Mert ITT van minden - mert ITT van mindaz, ami vagyok - ITT vagyok - én az ITT vagyok - az ITT pedig magábafoglal mindent...

Ennél csodálatosabb nincs, mint a feltétel nélküli lét - csak az aki vagyok - és amikor mindenről lemondok, amikor mindent eldobok és amikor bebizonyítom, hogy semmi sem kell, és így is ÉLek egységben és egyenlőségben magammal és mindennel - csak lélegezni és kifejezni, egy GONDolat nélkül - érzések és vágyak nélkül - akkor jövök rá, hogy a semmit dobom el a mindenért...mert az, már adott, hogy ITT vagyok - és egyyé és egyenlővé válni magammal - nem is válni, hanem hogy ezt merni felfedezni, megtapasztalni és kifejezni, átölelni és egyesíteni egyetlen pillanatban - egyetlen lélegzetben, ITT ---- ennél több valójában nincs - mert minden ezen felül, ezen túl, ezen kívül - illúzió - ezért nem látok körülöttem senkit, még a nagy "spiriduális" gyakorlókat sem ITT - mert nem itt vannak, hanem az itt és ott között szaladgálnak, hintáznak, kúsznak stb - nem véve észre, hogy egyetlen egy pillanatra veszik csak célba az ittet és az ottot - és közben sehol sincsenek - az ITT szemszögéből...

ó az idő a virágszál tombolta vihargyermek - az idő az én démonom - most elengedem

az idő és a most - egyenlő - ha az idő ITT van - én nem vagyok itt - vagyis hát eggyé és egyenlővé kell válni az idővel - és akkor nem is látszik - vagyis nem külön tőlem - és ha egy és egyenlő vagyok az idővel, akkor nem vagyok a rabja - ugyanis én úgy definiáltam, hogy az idő kérdése, hogy akármi legyen - akár még az is, amit szeretnék - holott idő kérdése és már nem is szeretném - és akkor már az a kis időkülönbség válasszon el az ITTtől?
nevetséges...az idő pénz...a pénz hatalom

a 3 dimenzió - x y z - ez az isten - a fizikai valóság az egyetlen valóság, mely igaz, kézzelfogható és stabil - ez az, ami kiállja az idő vasfogát...
tehát az 3 dimenzióban kell talpraállni és gyökeret ereszteni, stabillá válni és nőni, nőni nőni, csak nőljenek az ágak, bújjanak a levelek - hullhatnak is, hisz a fa, mint élet, mint a lélegzet: ITT stabil - ekkor vagyok az, aki vagyok...
Abszolút ön-őszinteségemben látom, hogy néha el-elburjánzik egy kósza ág - de miért? miért ó hol és mikor van az a téridő gombolyag, hogy egyszercsak fellobban és elég! ?

Nincs szabadság - illúzió - minden előredefiniált és kiszámítható - a szeretet egy termék - a valóság rabjai élősködnek rajta - és a valóság rabjainak mesterei meg őrajtuk - de az egyenlőség az abszolút mérce - tehát minden egy - ezért mindenki egyenlően elkülönülést támogat, tapasztal, hogy annyira nyilvánvalóvá váljon, hogy egyszercsak már mindenki felkapja a fejét, hogy: MMMMII?

És az a pillanat az ITTLÉT - amig mindenki nincs ITT - amíg mindenki nem megy át a tű fokán, hogy hmm ez van ITT - ez vagyok én, ami ITT van - ez a világ, ez a kontinens, ez az ország, ez a világhelyzet, ez a bolygó, ezek az erdők, ezek az állatok, ezek a felhők, ezek az emberek - minden ÉN vagyok - ezért felelősséggel tartozom magamért - mert minden én vagyok - ez afféle ITTlét - ami kézzelfogható, a 3dimenziós - ez magamban, mint aki vagyok tapasztalható - amíg mindent nem tapasztalok, mint saját magam - én nem az vagyok, aki valójában vagyok - ez nem drog, a gondolatok, érzelmek elméje a drog - addiktív önáltatás - kibújni belőle dicsőséges - a halál persze segít - távoltart a félelem? Az a fél elementális ön-őszinteséged választ el a teljességtől - titkon tartván az elfojtott sajnálatot.

Hisz csak azt sajnálom, amit nem akarok változtatni, hisz aként, ahogy és akiként tettbe definiálom magam - és nem akarok változni, ezért sajnálom, mert tudom, hogy elbasztam - megbasztam magam - ezért inkább arra vágyok, hogy mással basszak - mert ha már én megbaszódtam, baszódjon meg más is...

Ezért látom, hogy tényleg mindenki vámpír - ezért vagyunk élőhalottak - megszülettünk, de igazából teljesen nem élünk, de azért még nem haltunk meg - ez az élőhalottság...csak kábán megyünk a vágyaink után : ENERGIA -
Termékekből, partnerből, szexből, gondolatokból, érzésekből, félelemből!, tettekből nyerünk energiát, mert az bizony fogy - az bizony múlandó - ez az életerő, amit úgy hívunk energia: ez nem igazán az Életenergia - hisz ha az lenne, akkor ezáltal, hogy ezen "ÉLünk" - nem pusztulna a bolygón az ÉLET - nem pusztulnánk oly látványosan saját magunk is - mint ahogy mi berendezkedtünk, arra, ahogy hogy "él"-ünk...

"ÁÁÁ, itt minden oké" - , csillogó boltkastélyokban fossuk a pénzt, holott a földön az emberek 4/5-őde vért izzad, csak hogy nekünk legyen ez a bőrcipő, ez a termék, ez a pénz - - - amíg mindenki a saját bőrén nem tapasztalja ezt - addig nem akar változni - ezért van az, hogy most mindenki megtapasztalja, hogy mivé vált - hogy lássa, hogy megértse, hogy mit is tesz magával, másokkal, a világgal -

mert MINDEN EGYES EMBER EGYENLŐ MÉRTÉKBEN FELELŐS A VILÁG AKTUÁLIS ÁLLAPOTÁÉRT -

ezt tagadni - erre válaszolni kifogásokkal - nem őszinte, ezért nem is ÉLET - ezért a nem élet - nem élhet - tehát az meghal - aki meghal - nem ÉLET...
Itt van az igazi teszt: aki meghalhat, az nem is él..tehát olyannak hinni, olyan valakinek a "tan"-ám-ításait fontolóra venni, aki végül meghalt: én nem tenném - hisz a végső teszten elbukott - a valóságteszten - mert a fizikait transzcendentálni, meghaladni - az lenne az igazi ÉLET - amíg van halál - addig hogy lehetne TELJES élet? Ugyan...Persze ki-ki maga dönt...de hogy tényleg józan ésszel látni, mi is van valójában...és mi nincs...

hogy lehetne valós a szeretet, amíg egyetlen ember is éhezik?
hogy létezhetne szeretet, amíg egyvalakit is megölnek, amíg egyetlen állatot is megesznek? hazugság, hazugság, nem igaz...


ezért meghúzni a vonalat - bátorság - ebben a programozott rendszerben kiállni az ÉLETért, mint az élet maga - ez az aki vagyok - nem holmi fénybarátkozó spirit duális misztikus test vériség - nem kell a rizsa - eleget hallucináltam - ezért lélegzem, mert tudom, és látom, hogy őszinte vagyok magammal, és ezért látom, hogy mi valódi, mi nem...

Mindig az izgatott, milyen a világ, hogy épül fel, hogy ki is vagyok én, mi is történik valójában...
hogy a fenébe nem érdekli az embereket, hogy kik is ők valójában?

mennek az utcán, bambulnak a villamoson, feszengenek a jelenlétemtől, csak mert én ITT vagyok - mi az ami zavarja őket? az, hogy nincsenek ITT, mert ha én ITT vagyok, esetleg látom őket, tapasztalom, milyenek is valójában - amit még ő maguk sem - ez zavaró - mert azt sem tudják, - azt sem merik kifundálni, hogy ez mit is jelenthet - meg egyáltalán mi???

ez a föld a pokol - a menny illúzió - a menny az egyenlőség lenne - az pedig a 3Dimenzióban nem létezik - és ez nem idealizmus, kérem!

Ez a józan ész - a legegyszerűbb őszinteség - az ártatlan gyermeki szemszög - nézz körül....

Ezért állok ki, mint freelove, és ezért nem vagyok hajlandó kevesebbet elfogadni, mint aki vagyok - tényleg ...

És nem szégyenlem, hogy megbocsátok magamnak, mert az az egyetlen gyakorlatias út, hogy elhagyjam az ön-őszintétlenségeimet - mert ha megbocsátom magamnak, akkor tényleg meg akarom bocsátani, és akkor tényleg meg akarok változni, és akkor tényleg megváltozom - vagy tényleg rájövök, hogy hmm mégsem változtam meg, pedig akartam, mert már rájöttem, hogy amit csinálok, az nem az, aki valójában vagyok - ezért akkor újra megbocsátom magamnak és mélyebbre nézek, mi az, amit még mindig magamnak gondolok, pedig csak illúzió ? Mivel nem vagyok őszinte magammal? Vágy? Hit? Félelem? Mind-mind fal a teljesség megtapasztalása előtt - és én fogadtam el és engedtem meg, én építettem fel a részvételemmel és én is szedem le a téglákat egytől egyig - - -

Mert aki azt mondja, hogy az önmegbocsátás baromság - az igazából tudja, hogy ha merné kipróbálni, ha merné alkalmazni, akkor esetleg megváltozna - akkor esetleg szembesülne azzal, hogy mit fogadott el, engedett meg magában - és akkor ITT lenne az őszintétlenség - és akkor tényleg meg kéne változni - tényleg fel kéne adni a sok elme-illúziót - arról, hogy ki is ő valójában, és hogy mit miért is csinál, és egyáltalán miért nem képes abbahagyni?

Egyetlen gondolat már kapcsolatot definiál az egyesített tudatmezőben az elmén keresztül - és ez már elég, hogy az ITT tapasztalás háttérbeszoruljon - persze ez egy folyamat - de hosszú-hosszú folyamat - nem ebben az életben kezdődött, de ebben az életben ér véget.
Mert most minden ITT van - ki ki maga veszi irányításba az önmegvalósítást, vagy az elfogadott és megengedett természete "jön vissza", "derül ki" itt és egyszerűen választást nem adva megmutatja a foga fehérjét...

Nem hiszek többé a kapcsolatban - a kapcsolat MINDIG elme-alapú - az elmék közt jön létre és az elméket támogatja - hogy megmaradjanak ekként...bukás...

A kölcsönös abszolút ön-őszinteségen alapuló megegyezés talán járható - de ahhoz önállóság kell, ahhoz stabilitás kell, és egy bizonyos érettség, hogy már realizáld előtte, hogy nem az elméd vagy, nem a gondolataid vagy, nem az érzéseid vagy - vagyis hát most azzá váltál, és vissza kell menni a kiindulópontig és újra magadbaolvasztani és kiállni, hogy most már tudom miért van, miért mentem bele, hogy estem a csapdájába, hogy váltam a függőjévé - és hogy állítom meg - mert lehet enélkül is létezni - szabadon...
És ha ez már stabil - akkor két ember tudja egymást támogatni az ön-őszinteségükben - bármiféle függés és vámpírizmus nélkül - de azonkívül - az elmében marad az ember - az pedig nem valós - az nincs ITT - tehát illúzió - - -
ezért fáj, ha elhagyott a másik, megcsalt vagy csalódok, vagy hiányzik valaki....
mert az illúzió, és az azáltal definiált önmagam - - nem valódi - és ez azért dühítő - hogy nem is vagyok valódi - vagyis egyszercsak eltűnhetek minden maradandó nyom nélkül - akkor meg minek az egész? Érdekes pontokat vetettem fel ma, most elég is, élvezd...

köszönöm szépen

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Seeksual, the sire

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to become systematic about to actually divert my attention from here breath to the sexual desire as a tool to not need to face what is here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with my mind and become aroused from the reactions to specific definitions as word-graphs, pictures, feelings, thoughts etc...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress the desire to touch and manifest/maintain separation within myself trough participating with(and as) pictures.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to became a system what is obsessed to the act of defining - trough the previous definings - as how I defined joy and then how I can experience it - not realising that I actually load up pictures and I judge theese pictures and this judgement is defined as joy - and actually the act of judgement what I defined as joy: the participation within my mind as supression as joy - because I judged myself before I let myself to experience myself here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realise that what I supress - I CONtain - I am of and I manifest - and the starting point of this is fear - because I feared from the CONsequences of expressing my sexual desire - so I judged this before I express - because of the believe that then I do not need to face with myself - STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I supress I wont have to experience - because if others dont see, I can act as this is not existst within me as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even CONsider about what others may think of me - because I did put trust into them - instead of me trust in me within me as me here in all ways.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge sexual intercourse as bad - because I feared that I could be possessed of it, just because of the memory as I did some years ago.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to embrace my past experiences, because I defined myself trough theese - let it go - let it put here and experience here as one as equal as me and just stop.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link to specific pictures the fear of having an orgasm because the intense supression what reaches the point where I can not CONtroll.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to control - because then I can hope that I wont have to face with and as my personal truth what is already here, but within the illusion of control - I can perceive this as I am directing - but in fact - within the participation of separation - I simply preCONditioned myself so it is already here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from the temptation of the mind as desire, even when I have the knowledge about that is not really who I am.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from knowledge - and by using it as a shileld to actually not LIVE but hide, to make excuses.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to express myself HERE without any judgement and just simply forgive in and as the moment what is of separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define self-dishonesty as joy totally separatedly from me - trough the hiding behind a sexual desire to not needing to experience who I am here - because if I am aroused - I am aroused and that's it, that's all - I am limiting myself trough separating.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define separation as joy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire, to think, even for a mooment about how would be when the receptionist girl would fondle my hands - and supressing it so I dream about this.
I forgive myself that I defined fondling trough the participation within feelings - so I actually desire for experience feelings - because that would mean specific thoughts - specific supressions - specific dishonesty - and within that I could remain systematic. STOP

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try to separate myself from here - and defining this as joy because I've became self-dishonesty - this how nasty? lol - and to the fear of letting go dishonesty - I desired to remain within the experience of desire, feelings, emotions, because then who I really am is hidden into the secluded room of my mind, of my body - STOP.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fight against my desires - and by this taking it granted, making it real - and within the participation of making this real I defined me as this kind of act - and within the fear of letting go this expression - I redefined me as who I am - absolute dishonesty: I stop.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Expression video music part2

Some stuff just kind of 'randomly'.
When I was a kid - I has been denied from singer chorus and also from dance - because I was extensively inhibited and I had no the ability to express myself - so I could not learn as fast as the others - related to this kind of expression - as phisical movement or making sound.
And when I started to smoke - I started to hear the music - how sounds come - not only the punk/rock metal with the guitar, and something drum and the sing, but also the actual harmony - disharmony(what existed within me) as sound as music - as trip-hop as the classical music - jazz, was totally new era - and I realised I do not know music - I do not know how to make music - I was wondered what kind of knowledge would need to be able to make music such as Massive Attack or Liszt.
And after some month of smoking - I was at a Drum and bass party - first time - it was like a hell - exactly what I saw that is hell. The music was like the actual experience of hell, deep dark and monoton bass, what made to throbble my lungs, and very loud high sounds and everyone was so drunk or totally disoriented or stoned or delusional - and ugly people and I was like how much time I have to spend here? - But after some more months - I started to like drum and bass - and why I experienced as hell- maybe it brought up my fears - fears from unknown, from darkness, from loosing control, from being lost etc...
And after all I started to take LSD - that opened the whole construct tenfold. The music was me - I was the music - I experienced everything is flowing, glowing by the music as the music - was not really separated from everything, even from me - and influenced me extensively - made me trip - exactly controlled me - because I let, because I enjoyed - because I enjoyed what it brought up from me.
And I found tribal music, I found goa music, the psychedelic music - what is sounds crystal clear, very complicated and has deep 'meaning', many harmonies and trips me away extensively.

I wondered how cool to actually being tripped - how cool to be in a trip - to exploring myself, to explore the stuff, the music, the others, me everything within and as the music.
And I started to visit parties very often - alone - with others - at a parti -if it is 'cool' - does not really matters - as in theese parties at the dancefloor mostly the people are 'alone' - between others - and all alone as one - and somehow all are equaliy in the same situation - hearing the same music, tripping, exploring, moving in the same music - of course this is very idealistic, but...but it was like this - and who is controlling the whole party? The dj - the musician, the musicians on the stage - all are watching, listening all their tiny movements - this is kind of responsibility - kind of control - kind of power.
And what else motivates people - to have more responsibility, control and power?
Woman and money - if you have money - you have woman, if you have woman - you have power, and if you have power, you have money - this is kind of a chipmunkwheel ego boost system and within this the humans perceive this as them and who are in real control(are also in the same but in a hierarchy) can play...
So I wanted this - because I also realised that I reached a point where I can give up or get anything what I want - if I really want - but the talent, the 'art' - that would be something what is existst within me or not - but in that moment of course I could not experience, I could not express - so that's why I started to desire - to desire to be able to do 'art' such as music, paintings etc - because that would mean that I can really do anything. And of course meanwhile I realised this kind of holographic mind virtual consciousness gridline existence, what also seemed to support in this perception - that this is all just some kind of illusion.
This was like a self-empowerment intent: if I can prove that I am also what I am not - that would mean that I can be anything: everything. And I was not sure about my limits, so I liked to play with the idea that I am capable of anything, everything etc lolll.
But because of the extensive self-judgement: this was a well balanced polarity manifestation - almost like the black and the white. So I was like this and in the participation of theese - I was at the center I did not moved really just for some seconds to be able to not move for days again....

And when I was a kid - I always played with the illusion of being a wizard - a mage.
Because I had nothing and I wanted to create - I wanted to make magic: to create things, to change things, to influence things - with magic.
And if I can do this within this world - if I can 'magic' art - then I could do anything - more accuratedly: I would get a bit closer to be able to do anything.
And I wanted to get my mind-partner - a woman, a girl, who is like similar as me - who SEEs the system, who understand and can give up ANY thing in the moment when appears to be less than the total truth or something like this...
So I desired and I realised if I can make magic - then I will attract people - because who are really magically performing psychedelic music : are rare.
So as I had the extensive supression of anger and depression and fear - I could control this within the sexual desire, expression - and that's why I wanted a girl - but not only an 'ordinal' 'system' girl, because with 'that kind' I would get bored quite soon - and then I could not divert my attention from what is inside me, as who I actually am really.
So I wanted a really interesting, beautiful girl, because then she would take my attention really - and within the sexual expression she would be addicted to me because of the sex and my 'abilities' - and then I would get 'constant' feedback about 'I am somebody', 'I am special' so by this I would get more fuel to be more likely who I wanted to be...
Strange, but many people actually still do this - as the sprout of this is still inside me as I participate - but I already realised this is not really who I am - so when I face - I can forgive - related my self-honesty and my self-movement...
So partly also that's why I wanted to make music, to get the woman, THE. And of course tibetian tantra system shit I ate - because put the horse under me, the scriptures, and the chakras energy etc... I got really cool logic abilities, so all teachings I understood easily, even the complicated ones what are tried to explain the metaphisical nature of reality and perceptions and karma etc - but none was really practical and I still searched. Searched after woman, searched after 'method' to express, to be able to experience to actually express who I am...

And after some years I got MDMA - extasy once and I experienced the dance - I never wanted to dance, didnt understand really why people dance at parties - ok looks good, but when I was there with acid - I became superconsciousness - and I was part of the system, sometimes experienced me as the whole system - and like that I had no desire - because my desire was to be the whole what I percepived to be the wholeness - the system...to understand, to know, to get all the info about how to do this that etc...
And of course I had the self-judgement, I never did dance, self-embarrasment, and fear of judgement of others etcetc...
So after 3 hours of taking a half eX - I experienced that I go to dance - and I dance and I was like shiva - dancing half foot in the air, half on the ground and I am constantly moving - and I am enjoying as I am moving...was interesting...
After that I started to move at parties - and I moved and I moved and I moved - with acid is really expressive can be - because there is no tiredness, you really experience the music, etcetc..
So I danced as who I am - and I am like 'normal' but when I start to move - I move extensively, without judgement, and I move and I move and I move and at the parties it happened, and just I started to explore the whole stuff: dance floor, people, girls who are dancing with me, I was more active - rather than just standing near the wall and my face is like I am not really here - but in dance - I am here, because I have to be aware about the other people - more extensively expressive I dance - the more I am aware of the surroundings, where is actually the other, the others, how is the music actually, what my body says, how I experience my feet, etcetcetc...and this can be really exponential...
So it opened up really how music is 'working' - how it makes me to move - how I move to music, how I can move 'freely' to music - without needing to be stopped, without being judged, without being tired, without being who I am as usual - because I wanted to trance dance - to be in trance to experience, to break trough, to experience this divined trance to experience the 'reality', not only the 3D. LOL
And actually I could only to be so expressive as I decided to do it as good as I could - to avoid self, and other's judgement - and I had some partners who are really amazing dancers - kind of demon on the dancefloor - interacting with many, and playing with the others, and moving very fascinating, in totally the harmony with(in) the music and being simply the dance as joy. This is what I wanted and this is what I learnt to experience.

So in this psychedelic trance I found something what I liked - just dance, just move, without anything else - no need to actually think - no need to consider about women, money, work, nothing, just I am the dance as I am the music.
So within the dance I could 'let go' the desires, because I experienced something.
But as I stopped - everything came back in a fucking moment - the inhibition, the judgement, the thoughts - all - that's why needed so horsekicking big dosage acid - to 'get time' of timelessness.
To actually examine, to actually understand, to really being able to remain as this - but in fact as more I analyzed - as more I tried to understand - the more I missed I became tired and missed the 'point' - me.
When I danced and a girl came to me and I stopped to dance - I simply put up the mask that I am really humble, and I do not need girl and I am just a guy, and nothing, nobody etc...
To simply polarize the expression and stop before I could experience me - who I really am..
That's why I found spiritual practises, buddhism, zen, masters, etc - to find how I can remain 'this constant movement without anything only me', but without the danger of needing to unfold what is inside of me or even consider of look into me... as eastern teachings of ego and being selfless and consciousness and light etc...

And I found really talented people who are I can say the best in this kind of music stuffs - one who is really cool in ambient/slow synth psychedelic music and the another who is the trance literally. And this 2 people I learnt so much, and I wanted to be like them - not who I am, but I copied stuffs - the technics, the stuffs - many.

So I prepared many stuffs, I had the money, but I never did any really - because I was like - if I prepare everything, if I push myself to the edge of the pit and I want to jump down - then I can fall - but that one push just didnt come - I did one track and I was sitting on this, because I was not sure that I can do very cool - because I wanted to do of course the best also...ego stuff - instead just express without judgement...
And this push to fall was the travel to asia - 'there' I experienced the fall 'here'. After a while - constantly - I had to move and I was alone and I had no money, only me and I was in the worst phisical condition, totally scared of death - because I was fearful that I can die before I realise myself in and as the totality as who I am. So to avoid I had to constantly move without any support - and within that I found that I can count on me - I can trust only within and as me - because in any given moment I could be alone again - and then I only can trust into me as who I am - within and as everything what I experience.

So I realised much and I got the material and tools from Desteni - the actual support from me - who I really am - to me as one as equal - here.
So I started to see, understand this whole system - to be able to let go, to stand up as life as who I really am as the moment as expression without any mind.
(continue)

Expression video music part1

What is interesting, the point as I move, and as I stop to move.
Obviously it happens trough my acceptance, but the fact is that awareness can not be "reached" - awareness is here - I am not here, only some particles.
Some stuff changed - not considering about those anymore - just happens - some still make me think.
But those that are looks like just comes into expression - those are the programs - because that is making me consider to supress breath here - is like a big tentacle what comes forth and like coming out from my face and operating trough me - and is tricky, because I realise it only when I want - but in fact in that moment I am this mind-tentacle - so this mind-tentacle is the responsible to "be aware" that this is not the totality, this is not really self-honesty - because the breath as inner silence is not here, because thoughts are shooting up and this energy stuff is going on.
As I am doing the human vampires video - re-re-restarting again and again, assists me much - as we are really vampires - it will be simply some parts from vampire movies and some sentences - but in fact I do not want to make a movie with many text - now it is time to learn to express trough pictures-sounds - so I am very critical.

This criticalness is cool, but obviously a system - so as I open it up as me and explore, I will find out what I can stop inside me what is not who I really am - especially about making video, music - because many systems are here - and simply does not allow -- more likely I programmed me to not allow me to be here when I express myself as making music, video - constantly continously as stable as my body is here as me in oneness and equality.
So in some new posts I will unfold this whole stuff - music, videos - how and why...
Obviously self-judgemens and fear, but the need to express myself is extensive.
Because I do not express myself so I defined this as me and in fact I defined me as this need instead of the actuall expression - because I constantly experienced this need and within the self-judgement I even judged this need - and I fell into the illusion that then I am this definitions of the need - so this is like a mind-path-network what can be backtracked, can be pinpoint the pillars and will release.
Actually to remain inner silent - constantly.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Self-forgiveness: obsession

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to survive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become surviver.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from death so I wanted to survive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and alowed myself define to taking a deep breath as good.
i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define taking a sigh as good - because I do not let myself to express all ways here as breath - but I already know separatedly from the experience that this is who I am: the breath here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put worth and value into my shoes, because that is really help me to survive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my shoes.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually define to have good shoes as safe - because then I can survive in any way - on any terrain.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to being able to actually prepared in any give moments to react as extended survivor, because I can face with death at any situation where I have to be aware.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from death - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define life as death.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put worth and value to my shoes - according the memories what I obsess because I defined those memories what I got in my shoes as special for instance being in the Great Pyramid of Egypt.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go what I defined as good.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define good separatedly from me.
I forgive myself that I acceptea and allowed myself to define what is good - according to my other definitions - so being the absolute slave of my definitions. STOP.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to run away because I do not have good shoes.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanted to hide in a wardrobe.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to run away.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to run into the forest and being lost.
I forgive myselft that I accepted and allowed myself to want to run away from society.
I forgive myself that I desired to live in a cave with a girl separatedly from society.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to want to live in a cave to become enlighted.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be enlighted.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the perceived idea of enlightenment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to the objects what I have.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according the amount of money what I spent on the objects what I have.
I forgive myself to actually fear of not having enough of money.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust me within me as me here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let me to become obsessed to find a woman.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to do the hunting in the city as looking women as possible partner would be or not - and judging continously for moments and moments and after an emotional 'chargeup' experience realizing what I participate in and as - STOP from the first thought, I dare me to stop. Because I know what it makes, I understood that I deceive me and I deceive my sphere of influence as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand alone - without desire, without fear, without without judgement.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress my fear - instead of writing down, finding it's core, and letting go - because of the emotions what I experience from - I use as self-definition. STOP.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge me before actually experience me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear not having anyone around me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be director - director of community, director of events, director of movie, director of my life - instead of just be me and directing me allways here - without separation, without definition, wtihout emotion, without desire.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want somebody to wash my back, because I can not reach and is often itchy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed to scratch my head and wanting to cut down my hair because I have the hope that then I would not have this headscratch - but in fact this is just an indication that I accept a specific area of my mind - so I see what part I try to reach, I see why and self-forgiveness to release, to break this habit.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according the size of my hair.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not cut down my hair because then I could lost the possibility to being attractive - instead of realizing that I am here and the picture presentation is deceptive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rush forward while writing self-forgiveness and thinking on the next while typing this here - instead of simply experience that I am here and I am typing this here and experience the fingers, the keyboard, the body, that I am sitting and everything within me as I breath and I let me to express me as typing letters and forming words and I am one and equal with and as the words that I express - here.
I trust me here as I type the words - this is what is actually here - the typing, the touch of O F actually - this is the moment and I trust within and as the moment - because here is everything - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me who I am typing actually right here - instead os just simply being here without any noize in my head - just experience the wholeness of sound - and not letting me to become excited.

excited - exited from the expression here - excited - supressed judgement based fear - I let this unconditionally here as me as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to store my memories, my pain, my tiredness within and as my human phisical body.
I forgive myself that I do not let go of the intense anger, supressed tiredness, depression from my palms, from my body because I let myself to define me trough the actual experience of extensive mind-running.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as depressed.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to die when I was depressed.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define braveness as being able to die in any moment because my life did not worked as I wanted - especially when I was at the university and Cica did not love me so I wanted to die.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me according to girls.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the feedback of girls.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be around girls.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be popular around girls.
I forgive myself that I feared to be totally direct with people, with girls, because then I could loose their positive attitude towards me so I would be alone - so I supressed this and I defined me trough and as this supression, because I experienced this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me trough and as supression.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to forget to experience the fingers as I am typing - to be aware the touch, what is here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as a control room where from I can direct my life, my body - separatedly from me.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I separated me from metrough the participation of the separation within and as the mind consciousnsess system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanted to have a control room where I can control things, even my body, my experiences.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myselt to wanted to write a robot directing,controlling program, not realizing that I am already within and as one like this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put worth and values into pictures.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to being exposed when I am not here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to promise that I will make a webpage because of the desire to get money and then doing nothing and fearing of the feedback as I am untrustable - and within this I just manifested.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move me according to the desire to have money within and as separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have money without work, without standing up and directing me and the situation as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to find excuses to not live here, because of the lack of money.
I forgive myself that I fear to reman here because then I would let go of everything who I defined to be as me - but in fact I would like - so then I always attempt to experience and then still letting me to stop express me because of the self-judgement.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the energetic movement within me around the polarity.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define what is here is boring.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to type fast - so I do not need to be concerned about the typing, just being able to be within and as the mind and the body as cyborg types automaticly. STOP.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge typing before I actually experience what is typing here - and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define typing as just typing - instead of realize that I am typing - that can not be defined only experienced as expression - always - like 'one typing' is not 'another typing' - typing as being here and typing can not be defined - only experienced. So I do not need to define - sO I do not need to judge, so I do not need to run away from the experience of typing - because that would mean I am not here - and who I am : what is here.
So I trust me to remain here and experience the actuality of moment.
I forgive myself that I do not let me to experience the typing always.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to forget what I realized once - and causing timeloop and comphounding comphounding until is unbearable and then moving and letting go - unnecessary. So I am aware of typing. Every single key I hit - I am aware - because I am aware of what is here, because I am here as awareness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to type in an uncomfortable position, because I do not experience my palms because I am in the control room of mind - and if I would be here - that would mean I would experience the uncomfortability what I accepted and allowed to manifest - and that would mean a need to change - an actual participation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to participate here because I am not here so I did not wanted to be here - so I stop. I am actually here, no escape, I stand up as life as all as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to forget to be aware the typing EACH key what I hit. It is who I am - the touch here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress my breath because I defined focus to be able to participate within something according to the supression of what is here - because I defined what I wanted to define - and within the definitions I lost and the breath is the way out of the mind maze, but I preferred to remain lost - because then I would not have to take self-responsibility, that would mean I would not need to face, to let go my obsession, posesssion of addiction to my own mind because I became dishonest, I became the manifestation of dishonesty. I stop.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being tired so manifesting it - instead of moving me and pushing me trough the accepted and allowed definition system - to actually see and experience for and as myself what is here, who I am as moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate breath and being here - trough the definitions of breath and here - instead of amalgamating, unifying, expressing as one as equal as me as life as moment - as breath here.

Self-forgiveness - I say aloud as well

I forgive ¬myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thinking especially in the morning when I wake up.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe, to think that I need to think about the day to be able to do my things.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from forgetting something what I do not think about before – even multiple times, because of the extensive suppression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to just breath naturally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to experience my body here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make habit of holding my feet or hands in a uncomfortable position, gesture, because of the intense mindwork as thoughts, emotions, feelings occur and while the body experience is supressed, so I even not aware of that for instance my hand is in a very strong grip when I focus on something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my own physical human body trough suppressing the experiences about what is happening in and as this body here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my experiences inside me – instead of express here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to express me unconditionally – because of the extensive amount of self-judgement, a suppression occurs.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a mind.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try to push the mind, to scratch up more thoughts, because of the addiction to thoughts is extensive and no one can stop this only me here trough self-forgiveness, self-correcting application, breathing.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put worth and value into things, objects in this world separatedly from me – instead of trusting me here – all ways as remain here as the moment as me as breath as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to conform to society in order to survive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop my conformity because then I would remain alone.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop my conformity because then I could not earn money and then I could not survive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually form an ideal tala from me and in the continous comparison and self-judgement actually I always remain the slave of my own hold idea, what is just a merely perception what I formed based on my own fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to cycles.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to judgements.
I forgive myself to actually fear from sharing my inner mind-containment, and within the fear – I hold it as me and I remain it as me, because I even do not let it express, so I never have to actually face, I never get the feedback of others about my ‘dirty secrets’, as desire, anger, fear.
I forgive myself that I defined hate as energy.
I forgive myself that I defined hate as bad.
I forgive myself that I defined hate as intense.
I forgive myself that I defined hate as dark.
I forgive myself that I defined music as emotional.
I forgive myself that I defined myself trough emotional movements.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from emotions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define emotional movement as enjoyment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energetic being.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to being dependent on energy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having energy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define fear as energy and using it to recharge my mind consciousness system trough participating within and as.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually realize that the participation within emotions is separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to resist to experience this emotional flow inside me, especially around the solar plexus – instead of doing self-forgiveness immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself exists without emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge instead of just moving me without the mind-point – and if experiencing this mind-point as definition of separation then correcting me immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not ever considered the word immediately really as who I am.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word: immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put definitions and ideas to the word immediately instead of just being immediately who I am as moment as breath here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to do self-forgiveness immediately when is obviously necessary, but the accepted habit of allowance of suppression is still here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress thoughts, emotions, feelings instead of express immediately, instead of experience the breath and what is here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become embarrassed from the need of scratch of my head, especially my hair. But in fact I manifested it and now experiencing to realize that is not who I really am so Stop.
I forgive myself that I defined myself as suppression.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be limited by my emotions, feelings, thoughts.
I forgive myself that I defined specific movements within the society to express who I am according tho the samples of the personality of the mind.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define emotions when I experience the touch of my body.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within feelings when I experience the touch of my body.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to actually experience the touch as the part of my body where the touch happens, because of the self-definition about the touch.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from become aroused when I experience a touch of body, so I suppressed the experience, and no need to be aware the touch as me as one as equal, but can be manifested as a separated feeling, emotional movement.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define emotional as human.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to become emotional.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define joy based on events, instead of me being joy as one as equal all ways here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define ‘simogatás’ as joy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not move me because of considering about what others may think or judge.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to define girl singing as emotional.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become sarcastic when hearing about love, because I formed a relationship definition system with the word love separatedly from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define love as separation, instead of me being love as one as equal here – without condition, without direction, without any relationship.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as love here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to love myself because of the accepted definition systems.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me trough my own definitions of who I am, what is happening here
I forgive myself that I have not ever considered to break the habit of defining.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from kicked off from my workplace and I would have to face with the moneylessness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can not pay back my loan, because I can loose my job.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even consider to become lazy when I get salary, because now I got the money, and then I do not have to work, because I got the money. Lol
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become angry to me when I do not move me because of self-judgement occurs.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire, especially to touch of woman, because I defined as I would have to find an assistance who can help me to bring up the suppressions about relationship, touch, sex – but this would be an excuse, because I make a condition, and I do not have to forgive, let go what is already here, because I desire for a girl to be able to do this. Stop.
I forgive myself that I desire to experience sexual expression because of the extensive suppressions are coming to surface and the definitions about it popping up and the self-definition separatedly from me appears to be as me and because of the illusionaric mirror-reflection of me – I let move me by this as this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define fearful to remain inner silent.
I forgive myself to become aroused when I experience a touch, or any rhythmical touch/push to my dick – because of the definitions of repetition of touch of it should have to be sexual stuff, as somebody does it(if not I do this), or masturbation(if I cause it even when it is not direct).
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become aroused when a girl is sitting on my feet, on my hip.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become aroused when a girl is moving on me, even when it is not sexual, but the definitions of this as desire as definition makes me remember, so I stop participate within definitions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to experience what is here as touch, especially when fearing to become aroused from the definitions, so the suppression occurs.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define mind movement as pleasure.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to become aroused.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to become aroused in public, because then my dick would stand up and others should see that I am aroused.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to consider what others may think.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to being exposed that I am aroused, because that would mean that I can not control, because I actually do not have this sexual experience, that would mean that I am not a real male ego, so I am inferior – better to hide this.
I forgive myself that I defined sexual expression as nasty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my sexual expression to not experience as it is, but only the judgement.
I forgive myself that I defined to be free of slave of sexual desire as actually have a sexual relationship with someone and being able to exert my desire to being able to release this emotional chargeup of arousedness of desire.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the getting the subject of desire can be stop the experience of desire – but it does – for a moment, and makes me still allow and accept the desire.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to experience orgasm of a woman, because if I make a woman orgasm, as more as I can – then I am a good man, I am somebody who deserve a woman and the woman actually become addicted to her desire trough the sex with me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be the starting point of desire, not realizing that if I desire – I do not experience what is here, because I want what is not actually here – this is an excuse to not actually experience what is here – as who I am.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define tiredness according to my breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all what I experience is because of my mind – my definitions, my emotions, my feelings. ALL.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the equation of the balance of the mind. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of let go of the mind totally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop the extensive suppression within me and learning the way how to remain it is trough some conditional self-movement, release to not explode.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go this extensive energy system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my survivor skill as who I am.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge the believers, to judge the worshippers, instead of realizing that I judge me, what I accepted and allowed myself to be.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress to express myself according to the worshippers, believers, because what they would think, what they would react, what the system should punish because the religion is of the system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself become angry when a spiritual, religious worshipper is obviously dishonest with him/herself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become angry that I became spiritual, worshipper, because I could not stand alone.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become event-directed, instead of being self-directed without conditions, without events.