Opportunity

I am literally able to do anything
I realised much before
even within childhood i said to me well I can be anything
I can do anything what I want
but what I want?
I looked into me and I came up with this idea of intelligency and wisdom
accomodation and surviving - practicality and deep simplicity
when i started to wake up - I was around 18 and realised my limits - I wanted something really
and as I wanted as she more escaped
so I gave up and I cried for a day and just cried cried
since then - ten huge years i did not cry
but I realised something very profoundly - what I want - especially what I want to be - I can do
but what I did not see meanwhile - that what I become - on the same way I limit me to be bound to be just that and within my expression and experience - nothing more - nothing less - but still limited - by the idea of something to be
to understand creation it's totality - in the simplest momentaric way - to be able to just undo the want - by moving backwards within the relationship in this 3D manifested phisical world - and change my expression - the geometry of relationship trough participation with and finally as the words -

but what I wanted to be?

first I wanted to be magician - real wizard, because then I maybe I can do anything...
after then I realised well, this is only possible when i rule the laws of phisicality - but for this i realised after some really shocking acid trips that until i do not understand me internally - I can not understand how I can even to be whatever I want
and I just did not see that I already shaped my experience - well predetermining my experience
and the idea of to be whatever I want - now the WHY came up - and why after why after why - to get the core of the REASON of my participation and the real CAUSE of me of who I experience myself to be at this moment...
and I was really sceptic about many kind of expressions - and as I defined that I can not explain or find the numerical pattern of art - I simply wanted to prove to me that I can be artist - I simply can become srt - because if yes - I can be really anything ---
of course I saw my communication skills werent so good - because of the inhibited and supressed nature - because of my deep desires and had to be kept hidden because obviously I was not "normal" from the perspective of what I really want in this world -- when I was a kid or when I realised something more about this phisical 3D existence - beyond of just eat, entertain, family, consume, die culture...

So I came up with art stuff - and I tended to be seen as an artist - but in fact I copied - I copied many because I easily could as my specialisation was this - to just be a chameleonlike vampire who can get samples of expressions and within this just adopt and use...
And as I had no clue about who I really am - I lost within the patterns - I've lost within the expressions and I simply defined myself as what I actually do - and still this kind of self-definition methodology limited me more likely - but in a specific way gave to me more self-trust - slowly but surely building up something what I ever never wanted to try to share to understand - because I realised - I can not explain who I am or what I really want - so I never wanted to even try to explain to anybody - I simply let people see within me what they want and I adopted to this - looooong time spent like this - and I had to do this, because I realised something I can not have really - some kind of stability from this world - because I always felt like I am kind of alien of this society - never felt like mine - never wanted to be seen as it's part - because I never felt like I need a civilisation behind my shoulders to be able to define me who I am according to theese system - but in fact I had to because without it - I could not start to understand who I am - but within the participation with and finally as this society system - I am.

Kind of floating in quantum state but a bit still fear of start to manifest - because of concerning what should I be - but it is already predetermined - becoming the director of my life - to experience the total full moment within and as me as who I really am.

Of course many stuff kind of profession I never intended to be - for example soldier - but in fact I have very good cabability - to be even a general or doctor or scientist or even a musician - so easy - but to become this is really kind of breathing life into the expression...

So this director stuff came upon more likely - to simply direct everything what is HERE as me as one as equal.

As I know that my will is really my strong side - but in other part of polarity I see cycles and bothering - what I really want I simply do - but if not - is impossible.
I was around let's make a movie - to actually direct the sound, the pictures - the shots, the scenes, the actors, the story the sound effects and everything but about what?
About self-realisation within and as this whole existence - and hey - I am already within and as this movie - it is happening...

In the last months I spent much time about how movies are being maked - and how are specificly designed and how less are very random - much can come from intuition but the concept is very previsionised - and all words starting with con - now I have deeper insights - as I see it's limits and the prerequirements of theese - but in fact the "I can do it" - whould be just an other justification before actually express - instead of just express, express, express.

So now I understand how can directors work - of course very raw this kind of knowledge - and needs to be expressed in 3D - to actually see what it means in REAL life..

So what I am doing actually to be able to shape into a form what is necessary to be able to script up theese videoclips/scenes/movies to actually make..
And of course theese are wont be like 3 hours cinema hits - but in fact I do not even need this...


And actually more clearly I experience this within me as me - and more easily I embrace this without any thoughts or emotions - the more easily I am not disturbed with the con-s to actually express me as theese kind of actions...

And of course I understand that theese are just kind of preparations of something more but in fact at this moment I am focusing on what is here - because this is the fascinating - because this is what is actually I am.

And day by day I see I think really less and less - because the more time I realise the unnecessity of thinking - I more likely accept myself here and the more likely I am being experienced by and as myself as the presence of inner silence - the more likely I see that I can remain inner silent - because the leting go of all relationship of past or preimagined (based on desire or fear - but in fact are the same)...
And slowly but surely I trust me without to even think about I forgive myself and I apply myself and I can embrace what is here...
And then I start to really see and understand what is here and how things work - and this is the cool stuff about then I understand that everything is a reflection of me - so as I move myself within and as self-honesty - everything is my response-ability - so I can express HERE.

So let go of defining myself as opportunity to be something
and LIVE all life as me as one as equal HERE

Ok then here I can do my videos and music because I do not build more relationship but within the expression I can release the points what come up with the actual moment...


And of the extensive amount of supression of sexual desire as since 2 years I did not made sexual intercourse but in fact I let myself to desire after it - something I let be gathered in myself - and for instance I wanted to let this go, let this 'dealt out'/'release'/'transcend' asap - like ok I want sex - but in fact this is the point where my release of charging up emotional thinking system can be stabilized - and that's why is a kind of issue to figure out how it work and what it is - and I wanted it fast - I wanted it now - so I saw what was more likely the shortest way - and I came up with the idea about well, then jump into the right center of this and let's see what will happen...as I have the tendency to do this and after some sharp snaps I gey myself very early up - but is also an interesting point...
So I came up about sex to actually visit some places where people are doing sex freely - as I saw something like this with the rainbow hippies but they were not really obsessed with this - but just because of supressions...and of 'norms' - but yet was weaker - I still saw...
So I found the idea of 'swinger' like people go and just without rules do whatever they want even about sex - but to participate within this - I actually could face with my intense control of desire - and today as I saw the lord of the rings - 'my precious' - something I understood - there is no any situation where I could really 'fall' into the temptation when I really dont want - I mean I mean it like this...
Like I understand now what means to be clear from the perspective of not using ANY drugs - like I dont desire or I am not curious about drugs anymore, even it would be mescaline what I never tried...because actually I decided and I stand.

And of course the sexual desire is kind of same - but with different images - with different words - but are about the same - the expression - the fear of not having enough time so desiring shortcuts in the swampy forest of desire...

And everything is well specificly pre-designed as I need to participate somehow to be able to experience this - and if I do not - it just dont happens...
I mean about anything what I ever wanted - and I sliced myself into parts - and theese parts are slightly separated by time and space - and meanwhile I am within one part - I am kind of slave of it as I predetermined the situation how it would control me - to be able to flow, to be able to still become less than what directs me outside separatedly from me - because in this way I found very sure and determined and well organized. And when the 'time'/'space' of 'change' has need to come - I simply do - because I just do and that's it...

And I am bound to my decisions - but now I determine theese and I see the wayout - practically - this is very very assisting to be trusted within me as me - practically deal out the situations - like payback loan - like getting the experience of skills what I need to be able to do what I am getting to express within this world - and still being able to stand and deprogram the layers - because time is illusion, because space is merely a relationship within this world what I perceive as my perception within it...

When I see many people - about consciousness I realised very clearly something quite years before but now I can put it into words - but this time is the morning as I am now rest some hours...
- - - -
Ok just slept and while glympses of golden sunrise is fondling my view i finish this

so I simply dont participate - and as I let it re-participate - I recreate - and by needing to recreate I justifying it as me because can not be separated my creation from myself - and are linked - but to actually be able to change from outside - like go out and 'get a girl' - just wont happen by sitting here and hope - but in fact as the knowledge what I obtain about this is not really who I am - actually more likely obstruction as at this moment this is who I am - and to be self-honest - I see and I express - because I do not fear about I am this infinitely - but I am the actual moment infinitely as one as equal
so I do not seek relationship I do not seek seekx, because it is here or not - and if it is here then I let myself express - but if is not here - merely self-deception to participate with the IDEA of it - because I see me and I understand this is what I see is not who I really am - but I be-lieved so be-haveored like this seeker of relationship - same with objects, experiences, people - I am the same with all situations - as I am my limit - and if I do not have limit - I am everything. Response-ability.
So this stuff - I dont want to face with touch, sex, because I define myself as it's seeker - not the actual experience - because trough enormous time I supressed but still desired - and I've became apparently tnis desire - instead of just be the experience. Trap.
And when an 'opportunity' is here - I use my knowledge to hide - to de-fence - against my de-sire - instead of just LIVE HERE - without rules of conformed patterns, con-cern of others who I did put value and worth because I couldnt find this within me as me at one moment and I stuck as I wanted to maintain this illusion. Just stop this...
Wanting to have this desire - and then letting go - but then when I fall into the self-doubt for more than minutes - I r-e-go and re-create - c-re-ate the same shit - my poo-Is-on of illusion of 'there' because I am not express myself here - because of ANY reason.

And to be able to stand and being reflected by the people who I make 'con-tact' - as my exwife who said "well, Dsoseph this is crazy" - and I justify by projecting the opposite judgement of mine to her right at the moment when she said this - and the deception I see here.

I forgive myself that I acceptedna and allowed myself to not see my deception when I react immediately to 'my' ex - but in fact she is an axe of my mind because she knows it and not wants it not wants to fight against and just cool - but not be fool to fall into the trap of illusionaric light of her momentary beauty because this is also me - here - no need to catch, or grab, or re-create - because I am actually HERE.
I forgive myself that I also accepted and allowed desire her for maybe one time sex but is like when Bilbo sais at the end of LOTR - once more I would like to touch the RING - but it is no more - burnt in the DOOM lol and I do not go into that place to seek-se-nsee a gain because I smell the hell.
So I just listen to her when she sais - well just get a girl when you want - as you more fight the more you struggle. STOP it...
lol obvious
and I do not use this desire to re-create to hide from my actual momentary expression - - because I had the limit and habit of judging before express, and that's why do not express - and within the judgement somehow I want to express and by the supression - flowing out the previous supression - so not making music and videos and breath here and direct body accordding my self-motivation and self-will and self-honesty - but desiring for sex but every moment I 'spend' I see more clearly until I dare me to never 'go back there' again - because I am here and I trust me to express me and not stop and not judge - day by day I stabilize
and when I perceive 'fall' or 'stuck' I see that is also a judgement - of fear of not having enough time of being able to unify the totality of me - but is already here....