Sunday, March 30, 2008



Writing myself to freedom.

First I stop running. I am running. I have to stop. I have to stop by all what I am occupied right now. Right here. Let's see. I am occupied to sort out my financial shit. So that IS the most prominent step, I did some mistakes, and were not really mistakes, I can say it was inevitable, and there is no coincidence. I just work. I do my work, building a portal for the big company, what I work for. And as I am building that portal step by step, I deprogram myself to freedom. As I am building that game portal, I am debuilding my mind construct dependency. It is interesting that I am preparing myself to go beyond death trough leaving my body and becoming interdimensional - to become a portal. There is no coincidence, no insurance. If I see into me, I see, power, I see inevitability, I see that I am capable of anything for exposing my self-dishonesty. I see that I am still occupied with some emotions but those are specific. If I see an abusement, that could be a government stuff, animal or child or ANY abuse, I know I have to be more focus to be HERE, not allowing theese influences to separate me. My very nature is deflied with the stillnessness, with the self-stopping, until something wierd, painy or terrible not happens, and then I move myself accordingly, until apparently I do not see some kind of change, some kind of balance. BUT that balance is just my self-dishonesty. I've became the concealing nature of self-dishonesty, to cover my truth: If I stop move me, I fear. If I move myself: I cannot bear the fear, so I HAVE TO move. That is unacceptable. I am move. I am movement. Without condition. I have definied the polarity equation of the mind as me, and there is not enough just to say some I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to become the mind. That wont work. Until in every single moment I am keeping, experiencing the occupation of the mind, as my hiding, as my definitions, as my predefinied habits - until I am just here. That is tricky, because
in the future I see that point where I can be free, but as I realise now, it is more simple to just focus here and be me..and me of course want to rid off this shit what I accepted and allowed. So it is obvious. Like I am going to work, and I work, and work myself out from my money shit.
Another part is of the sex stuff. I accepted and allowed to be obsessed by seks. Like I describe it.
I have formed a sexual desire construct, to express me, but also there is a defense mechanism, about 'sex is not cool' - but this comes from the fear, about what will happen if I restart sex (what actually was never stopped, just for some months, and I did supress), I have to face with that fact: I have unresolved business with that. With those smells, touches, sleeping togethers, orgasms, and as more I escape, more I realize, once more I will grab a girl to face what I have became, and not to be a slave of that situation but being me as directive principle of me...
But in real I do not want a girlfriend anymore...Actually that is not a lie...I have this animallike desire to express myself trough sex, but I have accepted and allowed this, and now just need to stop. It is more easy to see the causes, and transcende than finding a girl and playing around with her bush literally...Masturbation. I just deny...lately I tried to see sexmovies, but that is not like before...if I am is like I am fading, I am sinking, and for some minutes I could 'enjoy' but the fact now it is obviously more visible: I just accepted and allowed to be programmed to behave like that, and I am not this...Somehow I am sure that sex is just also an expression, but actually now I just experience this desire, what is obviously my mind, and trying to release the pressure, to rejuvinate my mind consciousness system's balance. And I have to give up. I have to give up, because I am not this.
If I am aware of my breath as me, I am not getting aroused really, yes I am getting, but then I see obviously that is the mind moves, and determines, so I want to forgive myself about that...And well, if I am not aware of the breath, for a while I cant do that, mind overloads and wanting to have sex now, but then I realize oh shit I lost myself again, tala, come on...
And of course this circumstances can go around for example once or twice in a month for one-2 hours...And when I got an opportunity to touch a girl, I just found excuses and I allowed my past to the girl a bit remembers me for an exgirlfriend, so that made me a bit scary, and anyway this is just a trascendence point, but anyway I have to face. Next time if I get an opportunity to touch a girl, I will not hesitate, I will go 'back' into this kind of situation to see more clearly why and how I am participating...And I will not be shy to tell the truth, about myself, about I am not a lover anymore, just I am in this situation, and thats all, no more lie no more hideout, no more trap. I am me as life as onness and equality as all. I do not need my personality anymore, I am for giving up myself as mind definitions to be able to be here always anywhere.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to wanting to wait for a girl who will start 'get me' - to being able to not wanting to be responsible for all, to be able to 'trying being outside of that', but in truth I formed a desire what is still influences me, and actually I became this, so need to be faced, to be realized that I am not this, and need to release.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supressing sexuality.
I forgive myself I accepted and allowed myself to form that habbit about big polarity switch on once I am standing up as I can, and once I realize I am again influenced and sinked by past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fight.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to separate my 'standing up' from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to not realize that I am desiring myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to divert my desire to wanting to be me to a desire to have sex with woman.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from my own nature.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be myself - instead of realizing that I am me, I am always me, I am one and equal with and as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to allow to define myself as words as pictures as definitions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from me to other being's picture presentations, especially woman's asses.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program me to be wanting a good lover.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program me to be wanting strong.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as energy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my possibilites trough energy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe that the resources are limited - instead of realizing that I am the source.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program not being able to cry.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program myself to wanting to cry.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to frustrated.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from system punishment if I share all my experiences on psychedelic drugs.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to not being honest with people, just because of my definitions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanted to 'wake up' Bence about the Light, and all that shit what he is in now, like relationship, alcohol, and spiritualism.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanted to wake up those who I definied as close friends.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting friends.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting take responsibility for others, instead of taking self-responsibility as me as onness and equality as all.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to plan things, what I generally do, but bit late, as I still allow procastinating.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to create situation around me what I definied as I cannot speak out self-forgiveness, just because people are sleeping near of me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to not move myself without condition.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from death.

I realized much, and I am understand much, but here is the time when that need to 'be lived', not only speaked, not only writed, but to become this in every breath, in every situation.
I know that in some months I will be very stable, and I will be more effective, strange, something will happen, but I focus to be here, to be now. I am here. I am not my thoughts, I am not my feelings and I am not my emotions. I do not fear from women and I do not fear from work. I do not fear from telling everyone around me how I see the world and myself, because I am becoming the living words. And I know that I already made the choice, now I am here to understand, to walk trough it, to see, to realize, to become. To become me. But the truth that I am already me. I am already unified, just I have to realize. REALize. The REALity.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Living words

Words. Words Words Words
come on come on

I am enticing my words with self-honesty.

As I am writing out my past, I am starting to see. I am starting to understand. I am starting to realize that fact: I have been created my world by my words.

Words have power! Words are power! Even if I give them 'voice' as sounded words or allow them 'appear in my mind': influencing the whole body, influencing the whole world.
My words are the expressions of me in this world. My words are the responsible about my and the rest of humanity's world.

- I have started to learn words by my mother and my grandmother. Their word definitions have been transferred into me. And that seemed to be quite cool and useful for being able to move around and communicate in 'their world'.
I just pointed to a picture and asked 'what is that'? And they explained. And I learnt fast.
The interesting stuff is that they never liked each other. I can say they hate each other.
But let's examine this:
Grandma gave birth to my mother and she teached 'the words' to her. Grandma hated grandpa until he died. But anyway. They just teached me the basic definitions in this world as words.
I am expressing myself through words. I am the expression as words.

And time passed, I went to some l-awful places like kindergarten, school, and I learnt more words. I learnt not only those words what are needed to being able to survive 'in and around the family', but what were necessary to use/express to be able to go to school between villages-cities, to be there, and to respond the requirements, about the subjects to the teachers etc.
When I was around 8-9 years old, I have discovered the computers. That was very interesting for me. To see the children are playing little games, controlling some figures 0n the screen with some keys and I started to visit computer workshop. I realized ok, that is a point, there are games, what kids play, but how that happens? How those games have been made? And who?
And I got the answer, the 'programmer' made the program, what can be anything about...
I started to learn the programming language called 'BASIC'. That was very basic, just a linear programming system. It was perfect entrance to programming.
Programming means: using words, using signs, using formations, using structures.
Like in this world: I use this:
-Loops(can be made up by the other three)
-Statements: changing definitions via other definitions used by conditions and loops.

LET BLOG ='My public diary where I type about anything what comes up'.
(So first I define everything what I want to use, the laptop, and everything...)

GOTO/CALL/LOAD 'Laptop'. - That means I go to sit front of the Laptop. And
IF 'I want to blog something about' THEN 'Browse to my Blog'
Open my blog's New post
While ('I have something to write about it){
Publish Post
Like this. That is very simplified, and just tutorial-like. Anyone can do it who can speak and act. By definition.

This world seems to be a computer program. We have the words: we have the definitions, we have the loops, the conditions, statements, all.
When will be the end? When the program stops. When the interpreter stops. When the computer, the system stops.
But anyway what is the end? Maybe that is also just a definition. A statement.
Interesting part comes: when the child born, does not know any word. Does not know any definitions. And seems to be alive. But in this system, in this society, cant survive without definitions, statements...WHY? Because the system is pushing. Pushing by limited resources.
Pushing by limited parents, by limited possibilities. What can be used only if we participate with word definitions, with word statements, conditions, loops.
The world system is acting like a loop. Literally. Everyone get their perceived 'moments' when in general have been forced to move, participate, involve into the system, by definitions.
Interesting. But heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.
The baby can breath, can cry, can eat, can smile, can touch, can taste, and after a while, can creep, can stand, can walk, can run - and still cant speak! But why the kid needs to learn words? Because of the parents, who only can operate by definitions, statements, conditions, loops - because they already had been forced to be involved to be able to SURVIVE.
And they definied their love, and their care, and all this shit, to be able to transmit all this system to the kid, for SURVIVE.

So what if I stop operate by my definitions. What if I give the opportunity to me to forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use theese definitions, what are obviously not me, but was necessary to survive.
Interesting, from that perspective: I am still in the system as little system as I am using my definitions, as I am using my knowledge(structured definitions) to be able to get money.
By working as a programmer.
I am programming systems in the world, and how?
Well first,
I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed trough words.
and after
I accepted and allowed myself to program myself trough words.
I accepted and allowed myself to program a system- what can operate in the world system.
I accepted and allowed myself to always focusing this programmed system, to be able to understand, to modify, to alter, to upgrade - when was necessary -- until a point when this system became so robust, so complicated, than I just could be 'in and as' this program(med system). And years passed (many many loops, when I had to adjust), and there were special points, when

obviously I had been faced with my flawed programming ability - trough my own programmed word system was unable to handle something 'in the world system'.
And what I did? I just patched my system, to handle that little irritating situation, by a little local rule(for example: making more definitions, more conditions, more loops) -- instead of just
stopping all and restarting all again...
And the society has been built like that: the human mind program has been built like that:
To not being able to just stop theese systems and live freely...


If i dit it by words as words, there must be a wayout...
If i just dont speak - nothing changes - my thoughts also working extensively - and apparently also altering, determining, forming my reality. If I think for that ass for example more than 20 times that ' good ass', that's changing something inside me...if I have definitions about this what operating in me as me...

Interesting stuff is just observe babies...
That innocence means something. How awesome would be to 'return to that innocence' somehow...
And there are some words, what are containing the SOLUTION.


But how?

I give for myself the opportunity to return to innocence, by discharging my definitions, statements, conditions, loops. One by one. I give myself an opportunity to release that definition.

I put this SELF-FORGIVENESS placement right into that definition, what I want to stop.
Let's start with the core:
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use definitions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define! myself trough definitions.

I use the accepted and allowed words to emphasize that fact that I did it, I am responsible, I have to release theese definitions what overruled me, not the politicians, teachers, kengurus, etc...

But the situation is more more serious.
I am using words, and every word has definition. And as I am using theese words, the definitons are hanging on this word. What are just another words. So every word looks like a tree...
We call it association, but in real that are justs overloaded definitions.
I see a number on your shirt and I start to remember when and how I did fuck in a toilet. Nonsense. My own definitions own me. Literally.
Also words are necessary to be disconnect - the definition graph, what is just running always in our mind - and it is BIG - and for the input - always give a popup. What also does the same, and the list goes on...
Heath Ledger wrote an article in this topic, as I translated it to hungarian, gave some insight, and quite well describes how humans are just operators of their mind.
He mentions that we have the very definition about WHO WE ARE, why we are, and basically by this we define the other definitions...

Words words words...
The truth is more serious...
If I hear a word what I understand - my mind processes it, and that word influences me.
If I hear a word what I understand - my mind can react - and by that react I give power it to exists. To manifest. Or inside me or inside other.

So theese are specific placements. I have a definition. And I just use forgiveness on that definition , a bit sounds like inserting an other definition - the definition of self-forgiveness
- I just not patch, but unpatch, not upgrade with an another definition, but decompose it..
and the connection not really totally dissolves, just becoming loose, becoming not determined..

  • And then needs something more -this definition needs to be totally overcome/transcend -
  • First of all: by understanding, that is a definition, what is not really me, just what I accepted and allowed and now experiencing -- that is a form of self-honesty
  • Needs to remember when the definition is getting be ready to load, to influence, to determine, like ah I see, I am forgiving myself that, now I dont participate - to disconnect
  • And just transcend - and sometimes will come back, that is this world's nature, dont concern about, just do not participate without condition...
  • And what is the only way, the simplest way to do it (and there is no any fucking way, right here, right now!) just by breathing...just being breath, just breath in, breath out without any definiotion.
What is also very very important: to be able to not just write out theese self-forgiveness words, but SAY OUT ALOUD. To give sound this, to express by and as sound as the statement of me - IIIII FffffOoooooooRrrrrrrGggggggIiiiiiiVvvvvEeeee MmmmmYyyyySssssEeeeLlllFfffff

And that is very effective - to be in the moment, and when a reaction comes up as thought, emotion, feeling, as definition, by definition...just act immediately - do self-forgiveness aloud...
Without condition...because if I have a condition to forgive myself - that is sounds like it is based a definition...yes our mind's nature is very tricky, but somewhere, somehow we just start and do..
as writing, as speaking in self-honesty --- the past just comes up and be able to seen and be able to observe the reactions and just apply self-forgiveness and releasing...

And just to be words, what I am actually...what I actually doing, what I am actually living...
Simply, straightly, in every moment, to be able to speak, act, what I am, not allowing anything less thatn who am I, not allowing to be influenced just with conditions, just by some definitions, furthermore those what I definied in the very past and even do not remember. That is unacceptable. Why? Because I am not only creating my own little reality-bubble, but the whole world...

That was the secret, what has been kept from us, since the begining - the basic principle is ONNESS AND EQUALITY - Every single being is one and equal with all as all as life.

And The world creators just abused this onness and equality, by the acceptance and allowance of us - beings - by creating a world where words have power and everyone became equally slave of a one consciousness system, and believed that we have no responsibility for the world, for our own reality... BUT YES. Every moment we form our reality, and the people are definiing themselves trough their past to the future - and in the moment they cant exists, because too much definitions own, grip, hold...
Needs BRUTAL self-honesty to be able to face with this: we are not our definitions, we are not what we actually have, we are not what we have actually became, just the truth is
THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM ONNESS AND EQUALITY - what we accepted and allowed - now we experience -- until we do not apply SELF-HONESTY, SELF-FORGIVENESS... to just BREATH as nature does, as LIFE IS.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Egység és egyenlőség.
Felel ő sség
Mi az önvaló? Ki vagyok én?
Mi a felelősség? Felel-ősség?

Hogy tudod definiálni magad amíg van egy definíciód magadra?
Hogy lehetsz biztos, hogy az a definicíó ön-definíció, és nem egy szakrális geometria tudás-információ rendszer démon?
Hogy lennél képes felelősséget vállalni, ha még csak önmagad sem tudod, látod, tapasztalod?
Önvalónak nincs definíciója. Ha megengedem magamnak, hogy egy definíció legyek - bajban vayok. Miért vagyok bajban? Baj azt jelenti, szituáció. Szituáció azt jelenti, az ok és okozat rabja, azt jelenti, hogy a tudat rabja.
Az önvaló nem a tudat rabja, az önvaló nem rabja rendszereknek, nem rabja meghatározott definícióknak.
Hogy lehetne egy definíció egy válasz? Hogy lehetne egy válasz egy definíció?
Minden definíció, ami itt van, ebből a világból jön. Ha azt mondom, definiálom, akkor befolyásolódom, birtoklódom, manifesztálom és tapasztalom azt, az egység és egyenlőségben mint az maga. Amit birtokolsz, birtokba vesz. A dolgok, amiket birtokolsz, végül uralni fognak. Egyszerű. Ha van egy definíciód - birtokba vagy véve egy definíciónak - és nem más miatt, mint saját magad.
Nem kell semmit sem tenni világ rendszereivel, nincs semmi tennivaló az ország rendszereivel, nincs mit tenni a család rendszerrel - az egy definíció szerinti elkülönülés lenne ebből a világból, az csak egy másik ön-őszintétlenség megnyilvánulás lenne ebbe a világba.
Akkor mi a felelősség definíciója? Ha van egy definíciója, - elkülönítve tőlem, akkor az csak egy másik rendszer birtokbavétel. Ha van egy feltétele - ez csak egy másik rendszer megnyilvánulás lenne, semmivel sem több, mint egy szánalmas ötlet, egy ürügy, hogy az ön-őszintétlenség pontom miért ne lássam tapasztaljam, ÉLJEM, hogy ön-felelősséget vállaljak.
A felelősség azt jelenti, hogy felelősséget VÁLLALOK MAGAMÉRT, mint MAGAM minden egyes pillanatban, nem számít mi, nincs ára, nincs megalkuvás, nincs feltétel, arról, hogyan is és miért és különösképp mikor - mert akkor csak a definícióm birtokába kerülnék, a feltételem által, az ön-őszinteségem miatt. Miért? Egyszerű. Mert Egység és Egyenlőség.
Miért ÁLLSZ ELLEN az EGYSÉG ÉS EGYENLŐSÉGnek? Miért nem értesz egyet? Olyan szörnyűen hangzik, annyira félelmetes, vagy mi? MI A TE ÖN-ŐSZINTÉTLENSÉGED, mint egy birtokolt definíció BÁRMIRŐL, ami arra kényszerít, hogy ne realizáld, ne értsd meg és ne ÉLD az egységet és egyenlőséget?
A felelősség. A valódi felelősség. A Felelni képesség. Hogy realizáld azt, hogy ÉN VAGYOK FELELŐS A valóságomért, ÉN EGY ÉS EGYENLŐ VAGYOK MINDENNEL és mindenkivel. Ez a realizáció lenne egy felfedezése a felelősségnek. Az lenne az ideje a cselekedetnek, a szembenézésnek, a MOZGÁSNAK mint ÖNVALÓ mint FELELŐSSÉG, Egységben és Egyenlőségben, pillanatról pillanatra, lassan de biztosan elengedni minden definíciót, birtoklást, elkülönülést, feltételt.
Hogy MEGBOCSÁSSAK magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magam feltételessé válni, mint egy rendszer, mint egy gép., általam elfogadott és megengedett BÁRMELY feltétel az, ami irányít, meghatároz, vezet, korlátoz engem. Hogy lettem feltételes? HOGY történhetett ez? Definíció szerint. Ön-őszintétlenség által. Nem vállalván felelősséget minden pillanatban, hogy ki is vagyok valójában, mint egység és egyenlőség. És mi van, ha én egység és egyenlőség vagyok, mint MINDEN, mint ÉN - az azt jelentené, hogy ÉN, MAGAM VAGYOK FELELŐS az EGÉSZ VILÁGÉRT, mint EGY és egyenlő. Az lenne a realizációja annak, hogy ki vagyok én - de nem csak írván, beszélvén ezeket a szavakat, neeeem... - az csak egy másik definíció lenne, az csak egy elkülönülés lenne - ha nem tapasztalom, cselekszem, élem azt minden egyes pillanatban, bármilyen feltétel nélkül, bármi kifogás nélkül, bármiféle definíció nélkül: akkor ezek is csak üres szavak, birtokolván azokat, mint egy halott információs rendszer.
Mert nincs válasz arra a kérdésre: Ki vagyok én -- definíció szerint. De a válasz erre a kérdése az ön-őszinteségben, mint AZ MAGA kezdődik, abszolút ön-őszinteségként, addig amíg van feltétele. Amíg az ön-őszinteség még mindig csak egy definíció. Addig, amíg BÁRMIFÉLE definíció van ebben a világban, amíg BÁRMELY elkülönülés van ebben a világban, amíg AKÁRMILYEN megnyilvánult ön-őszintétlenség van ebben a világban, addig nincs válasz arra a kérdésre, hogy Ki vagyok én.
Itt kezdem - most - mint ön-őszinteség, mint ön-megbocsátás, mint ön-mozgás, rendbeszedni úgy, mint megtalálni, megérteni, szembenézni, realizálni, magamba foglalni minden elkülönülést, minden mentegetőzést, minden elbújást, minden félelmet, magában és mint az maga: az egység és egyenlőség - feltétel nélkül, cél nélkül, vágy nélkül, bármi nélkül ebből a világból.
Csak itt lenni, most - az a kezdet és az is a vég.
Itt lenni most, mint lélegzet, mint az egység és egyenlőségben, felelősséget vállalni mindenért mint én mint egyként és egyenlőként minden egyes pillanatban.


Onness and equality.
What is self? Who am I?
What is responsibility? Response - ability?

How could be the one define self until has a definition for self?
How could be sure that definition is self-definition, not a sacred geometry knowledge-information system demon?
How can be able to take responsibility if I even do not know, see or experience self?
Self has no definition. If I allow myself to be a definition - I am in trouble. Why am I in trouble?
Trouble means situation. Situation means slave of cause and effect, means slave of consciousness.
Self is not a slave of consciousness, self is not a slave of systems, not a slave of a determined definition.
How can be a definition an answer? How can be an answer a definition?
All definitions here are built from this world. If I say that I define, then I am influenced, I am possessed by, I am manifesting and I am experiencing it in and as onness and equality. What you possess, you become possessed by it. The things you own end up owning you. Simple. If you have a definition - you have been posessed by a definition - and not from anything else than you.
There is nothing to do with the world systems, there is nothing to do with the country systems, there is nothing to do with the family system - that would be a separation by a definition from this world, that would be an another self-dishonesty manifestation into this world.
Then what is the definition of responsibility? If it has a definition - separatedly from me - then that is just an another system possession. If it has a condition - it is just an another system manifestation, nothing more than a bloody idea about an excuse from my self-dishonesty point to see, to experience, to LIVE self-responsibility.
Responsibility means I TAKE responsibility for MYSELF as MYSELF in every single moment - no matter what, there is no price, there is no compromise, no condition about how and why and especially when - because than just I become possessed by my definition, by my condition, about my self-dishonesty. Why? Simple. Because onness and equality.
Why DO YOU resist from ONNESS AND EQUALITY? Why do you disagree? Is sounds so awful, sounds so fearful, or what? WHAT IS YOUR SELF-DISHONESTY as a possessed definition of ANYTHING what is compelling you to not realizing, not understanding and not LIVING onness and equality?
The responsibility. The REAL response-ability. To realize that I AM RESPONSIBLE for my reality, I AM ALL in ONE and EQUAL with evertything with everybody with ANYTHING.
That realization could be a revelation of responsibility. That could be the time for act, for facing, for MOVING as SELF as RESPONSE-ABILITY in Onness and Equality, moment by moment, slowly but surely disengage all definitions, possessions, separations, conditions. To FORGIVE myself that I accepted and allowed to became conditional, like a system, like a machine.
That I accepted and allowed ANY condition what directs, determines, controls, limits me.
How could I be conditional? HOW could this happen? By definition. By self-dishonesty. By not taking self-responsibility in every moment as who I am really as onness and equality.
And what if I am onness and equality as ALL as ME - that could mean that I, MYSELF AM RESPONSIBLE for the WHOLE WORLD as ONE and EQUAL. That could be the realization of who I am - but not only writing, speaking theese words, no - that would be just an other definition, that would be just a separation - if I am not experiencing, acting, living that in every single moment, without any codition, without any excuse, without any definition : empty words, owned this as a dead information system.
Because there is no answer for that question: Who am I -- by definition. But the answer of that question begins with and as self-honesty, absolute self-honesty until it has a condition. Until self-honesty is still just a definition. Until there is an ANY definition in this world, until there is ANY separation in this world, until there is ANY manifested self-dishonesty is in this world...and then that would be the answer for that question: Who am I.

I begin here - now - as self-honesty, as self-forgiveness, as self-move, sorting out as finding, understanding, facing, realizing, embracing all separations, all excuses, all hideouts, all fears in and as onness and equality - without condition, without purpose, without desire, without anything from this world.
Just being here, now - that is the begining and also that is the end.
To be here now, as breath as life in and as onness and equality to taking responsibility as all as me as one and equal in every single moment.

Monday, March 10, 2008


Response ability

Sunday, March 9, 2008


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fear from death.
death is an idea need to be released
i am not death
i am life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to became curve like a snake.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself trying to escape from myself as truth as life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to do not be one and equal with my human phisical body.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fear from slipping out the body. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be doubtful in me as me as life. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being absolute straight as breath as application as moment as directive power of life without any condition.

Breath in
breath out

no more

breath in breath out
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to feel pan in the center of my back
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to hide my center of my back to not see it
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to be a soldier robot zealot like a shooted arrow
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to procastinate abolute self-honesty
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to concern about other people

i forigve myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear from being suked out from my center of my body
i f or give
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a process
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to try to hiding from self-honesty
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to judge my center of my back as a black hole what wants all my focus to sort it out - instead of realizing myself as onness and equality as breath as life
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to being dependant on fucking good psychedelic trance like osom
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to being using the mind for judging and by this judgement to abuse other's mind counsciousness systems
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear from just being here now without condition

cond I tion
con di tichion
con du ction

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear from take responsibility of myself
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear from take responsiblity of my family
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear from take responsibility of my country
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear from take responsibility of earth
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear from taking responsiblity as all as me as onness and equality
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to form desire by not forgiving some thoughts about having sex with maite
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to form desire by thoughts about having seks with ann
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to not understand what means self-honesty
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to form sexual desire by 'imagination' to discharge-transfer-replenish-upgrade mind consciousness system
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to deceive by self-dishonesty
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to trying to escape from self-honesty
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to form sexual desire to have sex with leila
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear from unexpected

i accepted to fear from unexpected
what is not accepted is feared unexpected
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed to not allowing myself to cry for 8 years
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear from system
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear from giving up
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed to try hesitate - by not realizing that life is inevitable, i am life, inevitably i face with myself totally as onness and equality
i always wanted to be all as me but i became knowledge-information system what needs to be released - needs to be forgiven
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to fear from being absolute straight as innocence as moment as life
returning to innocence
i return to innocence
i return to innocence
i realize innocence
innocence is life
life is innocence
life is self-honesty


i feel this prickling around my solar plexus, like warm delight -literally like a delusional light
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed to define light as joy
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to define light as delight
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to define light as life
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to see systems as life
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to became system
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed to still experience myself as system instead of realizing in one moment who am i

i put all my family into myself as me
i put my mother into me as me as life as onness and equality
i put my sister into me as me as one and equal
i put earth into me as myself as life as all as one
i am one and equal as all
i am sure i am stable
i am stable
i am words
i am words as one
i am self-forgiveness
i am self-forgiveness as life
i am moment
i give up
i give up all belief systems
i give up being believe system
i give up what i have became
i give up all what i can - I remain
i give up all what i have - life remain
i give up all what i want - nothing need

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Story of my life 3/3 - Drugs, Obsession to Light, Desteni

After C had finished the university at Debrecen, (meanwhile we just did parties, smoking, pubs etc, the friends (girlfriend of B and S and maybe an another girl) rented a huge groundfloored flat around the Körönd(Budapest), there were the parties, I lived there for a while, but after she came to Budapest) we started to live together...We rented a oneroomed apartmen, not too far from the others and we lived together…and after that B and S (I lived with them before)could come out together(in past they were friends), but after a time the nail came out from the bag: S liked B-s girlfriend, G., and after that B started to love an another girl, but before that C and S was argued all the time..S had some kind of obsession about being clear, but only on his body, and on his clothes, and C always poked him, and once C has broken S-s car, and after that they did sex or something like that. C couldnt to supress this, told that to me when we lived together… I was totally pissed off, turned in, out, and I dared to her leave, and she moved away, far from the center, and she started to work in a shopping center for 14 hours a day...

After that we not really met for a while, sometimes I visited her, very sometimes we slept together maybe, but was strange…

And meanwhile –at the first time – I lived alone, I totally ’flyed away’, I practised Aikido, I got an easy job, I had many free time, I smoked much, wrote diary(many I wrote, but lost), I took many LSD, I listened very much music, I was searching myself on loathsome power, read, wrote, I spent long hours lieing in the bath very stoned, I tried to find the meaning of life etc..Music what I listened, the lyrics I put onto walls: tool, depeche mode, orbital, many drum and bass, still trip-hop, etc…

At Aikido many things happened…I became stronger phisically, my ’walk’ became better, I learnt to be stable phisically, mentally. Half the training was excercises, technics, and the other part was ZaZen, Mokuso, painting, far-eastern culture, japanese, buddhism. I enjoyed it extensively, in my childhood and university I was always afraid from martial arts, because many times there were that I lost my mind, literally lost the control and ’animal, demon come forth’, and raged, and than I absolutely did not know what was happening, and that’s why I was afraid to ‘get power’, to ‘learn to fight’, because I was scared from amazing destroying I could do, even killing, so I had suppressed terribly lot of anger and I was afraid to fave with that, until my first White Light infusion adventure, and after that I realized that I need something like that, exactly for that to learn to handle myself, to face, for ’being able to fight with myself’ etc..with the master I did not have any problem, he was symphatic, kind of abstracted guy he was, really master of the Aikido, was painter etc, but for the beginners - his wife teached the basic, and she pushed off even the shit from ourselves, but that was never a problem for me, but in the perspective as we saw the world, we did not agree, she never could break me. I always conflicted with her, I always asked, simply based on my experiences, so I said that ’The things are not like this’. And once it came until that point that she said "If you know so much like, you can keep the whole coaching...", I got black hakama(pantalskirt), black belt, for doing me that whole shit. And after that she said to me well, let’s control the dojo(10-15 people), but front of my eyes she also said that for the others: ‘Just disobey…or do it, but never exactly that what he asks’. For a while I tried, but after that the little boy came forth in me, some fear stuff from childhood, and they came around me, and laughed and all was pushing me at the same time, and that was just exactly enogh, for being enough…after they said to me ‘I could be ‘little-teacher’, 'one level up', what could mean that more responsibility, more practice, the master can teach me, and I did not liked that, and also I was a bit afraid too…

But they couldn't break me…I always rejected, always asked, in phisicall level they could not break my ’ego’, rather than at home I smoked, wrote poems, novels, diary…Meanwhile I took LSD-s alone, at party, in city, at home, with friends, abroad, and I learnt to swim(I was very scary from water since childhood), I started to smoke salvia divinorum, and suddenly I tried magic mushroom(psylocibin), we laughed very very much, I yawned very much from that…I wrote, read, and in that time I still drunk alcohol, I had many many stomach pain, I got ulcher(little hole in that), I had to take pills for binding down my stomach acid(haha maybe for balancing the acid), my sickness became more rude, and I got stomach mirroring, that was very very very sick event, I was suffocated, my whole body shaked , was HELL - I had a realization what was very strong about the medical science is a FUCKING BIG SUCK, and after that I got strong antibiotics, and at that point I just stopped smoking, drinking in my misery(for some weeks), it was really painful, I had to eat in every 20 minutes, for avoiding experiencing torture in my stomach. But what was strange, that as I took the food into my mouth and started to chewing and started to swallow that, the pain just gone…and after some medicine treatment the doctor said that now I have to take specific pills for long term, and I asked that ‘every day’? And he said that yes, but he even didn’t looked onto me, and I became angry, and that night I drunk much and smoked and from that point I did not cared all of this shit, and slowly it dissolved, and still I cant eat very spicy foods, but I never have stomach pain, and after some months it became totally cool.

At that time something happened, and I also got interesting LSD-experiences. Once I got so much laugh, that I laughed out myself from my mind, I saw everything and everybody like colourful wave-resonatings, like a big painting, which reality was like different coloured layers, and that was very very funny. My mind stopped, and on many LSD trips before that simply it just didnt happened, I just didnt experienced the ’total connection to the system’, because I wanted it so much like, that my wanting simply didnt allowed…Once we were in Slovakia and around a lake we did ’party’, all were drunk, and I was ’tripping’, I totally flied away, and after that the others were arguing, it was not cool, there was a guy, who was so closed, that only to look to him was so scary, and I just sat with them totally desperatedly, and suddenly as they argued, I just moved away to walk and ducked and found a snailhouse, I grabbed that and looked, and something ’came into perspective’. About simply I do not have to want it, everything goes just by itself, it was very strange, now I see it more clearly, but at that time that was very strange…about just doing, but as more I want it, then I am more getting far from ’understanding’ ’what is going on’, and about who am I and what is the world…I realized that if I am not searching, just I am, then there is no question, there is no answer, and that was interesting…

Meanwhile C started to move with an inhibited pilot, he carried her with his car, but after that they got an accident, and C went to hospital, and did not get any problem, but for some days she had been kept there. At this time of course I went to visit her, the guy was very confused, they were very rich, and his family did look onto C, like the new member of their family, but C did not want that, just liked to play with boys, or something like that, but of course maybe wanted to find somebody…and after I visited her, we spoke, and this guy just came at the same time, and he was very scary from me, as ’from her husband’, and also I saw as he did regret about he ’did troubled her into accident’…and after that we started to meet again with C, we slept together, etc…I started to feel big shame and regret, because I kicked her out, because she ’cheated me a little’, and my horribly strong paranoid ego couldnt eat in that…but I still ’loved’ her, and we wanted to give one more chance to each other, or something like that…

Pilgrimage in spain

We even went to pilgrimage together, to reform our relationship on Camino de Santiago, in Spain, it was amazing, just walk, and all day in nature, not much money, we had 3 more friends who after a time started to show up does not like C. because she owns me and she was like silly goose in their eyes...After some days I experienced some strangeness, something started like I was on acid, but from not struggling, just walking...Once I had a very strange experience, at a pilgrimshelter I met a girl who was french and she was quite beautiful but I did not speak her...But anyway was full moon, and in that time I could not sleep more than 4-5 hours, and everyone slept in, and I went out to garden to experience moments under the sky, and this girl was so strange for me, and we sat and I experienced so much braveness, so much freedom, so much some kind of me, what I never saw before...just like siting and speaking not even more than 20 words...and C came out and she did not dare to come to us, just avoided the situation, but was huge problem for her...And after that(nothing happened, once our shoulders touched accidently, that’s all), but she became extensively jealous, and I was at the same time very strong, like others came on the pilgrim way like slow donkeys, and I ran with my heavy backpack, and climbed up to everything, and running back like who has infinite energy...It was amazing, and day by day I met with this girl, but never happened more than some words and C started to freak out, I was honest about not this girl is special but something else was and now I am like (poor bastard) more free...and of course I did not give a shit to C and friends made joke because I fucked, haha but not, never cheated, really, and once I lost the way on pilgrim road, I was always like that: I walked fastly much, and after just was lying and enjoying to being one with I went forward next day and some german girls came, they were so cute and spoke and singed to me together and one started to get sunstroke, and accidently we went to on another way, what leads to the same city, but was 10km longer...and we did not have many water, but that girl always stopped under sun(there was very hot, Spain, summer) and I was like so determined about I poured all water onto her head because she didnt looked well...and after she became better, and we saw a dried river, and in that saw many many many sheeps were directed by shephard and his dogs, and many sheep were injured, exhausted from the hot,the intense directing. But all followed each other...Was so strong experience - poor animals...

After that I met with C at the guesthouse, and we were very happy, about drinking water and was no problem...after that C was not so happy about I appeared with 4 cute german girls in top who were also happy, and was strange...And next morning C felt down from the stairs and her ankle went out extensively, and we tryed to continue the walk, but after some kms didnt worked...She went into hospital, and we were fucked, we stopped pilgrimage, we went up to the sea into a camping and she took rest, and I walked upon a 481 m high mountain, I had to climb up and I was curious about what I will find up upon there (answer) and after that I reached the top and I saw some bulls and cows were watching me on their face like “wha?”.(and I saw some eagles too).. ok about pilgrimage that was enough, after that we continued by bus, and at the end C could walk slowly limping, and one more! At Lavacolla, near Santiago, there was an airport, and I was stood front of the fence, and I saw a plane landing front of me and from my total heart I wished that if only the brake of the plane could not work, it would be a relevating moment as it hits me extensively, but didnt happened....We reached the end of the pilgrimage, we got paper of it, and we got back to Budapest and started to live together in Buda.

Next time I will write about psychedelic community, travels and buddhism, and some more specific White Light experiences and search for truth, finding desteni

Psychedelic community, buddhism, intense White Light experiences

I had found a “community” on the internet, the hungarian psychedelic community, the daath, what practically was a forum, and not really were collective consuming, maybe maximum waterpiping or watching movie. There were some “pioneer”, who translated english FAQ-s and about their experiences, revelations, thoughts, drug-experiences, tried to “explain” the “reality”, to trying find out that....They organized tea-rituals, and once they invited me as well, because I wrote interesting posts about consuming substances...

I had found a quite strong-minded guy, Bence, who about at the first sight I just knew that, I HAVE TO take LSD....the wild, uncivilized energy just hummed around him, monstrous deepness...and also there was a young guy, who’s eyes seemed so sensible, I saw inside that the wholeness, when I looked into his eyes...They both asked acid from me, because wanted to try it out, he was Ca, the next husband of C. ;)

So like it had the name of psychedelic community, personally, with Bence and C we had forced that not only speak about that, but let’s make it together, there must be more fun like that, let’s put together what we have at all...There were some who decidedly secluded themselves from that, because that is about being alone for them, or personal, intime, etc..and also were like that who said that they are afraid to manifest themselves to „strangers” so intensely like that. So we organized that and did. In that time we lived together with C in Buda, „we started to make” „trips”, and we wrote up wildly our experiences to the daath(the gate of knowledge) forum and in that time I still believed that everybody is using LSD for switch off the mind for a time and to dissolve into White Light / the White Light itself could be dissolved into ones/onness...But after that Bence said that he couldnt(at the first collective event), and in his lifetime once he experienced something like that, but in that time with cannabis...on the other hand he had some conceptions about this, but he not really knew that once before how it happened..

I suffix that I even did not know how the hell that happened, just somehow the situation had to be like that presetted, the mindset-setting had to be set properly, and just be trust in present, and suddendly it just happened (but if I wanted it just WANTED, did not happened, just got a bit frustration) but never for enough „time” to be felt totally satisfied, or even could be experienced really, what is that, how it happened and altogether why...

So this ’community’ is not a community really, there is no big ‘community’, just the forum. That is the heart, the many topics, the posts, the many text. Also there are meetings in ‘real’, but those for less people. Truly the main reason is the total fear/paranoia, because the whole stuff here what ‘s going on, is totally illegal. In any case we make it nicer, they are using illegal drugs, they are speaking about that, they are ‘advertising’ those and sharing those experiences, speaking about that, and about the what is reality question they gossiping, argueing, pleading. I never was that big speaker, I just simply took the stuff and experienced something outside, inside of me, and I wrote that up to the forum and that’s all…I never understood how can be gossip so much like this, but we are different…So in that time sometimes we organized these kind of séances, the music was going on, anybody took their favourite ‘drug’, but there were who just were there…In general there was no conception, furthermore well, let’s do it, ‘enjoy ourselves’…For me were the really interesting situations when we were at party. I say why. In the flat we are, there is given the place, given the possibilities, we are ‘in safe’, at any time we can change the music, we can go into a room where is noone, etc…and I realized until that time that I have to be brutal ‘against my ego’, because it is just sneaky, so much, as I cant get. So as I remembered for my first big ‘break over’, the party seemed to be ideal:

  • There are many people in a place: in actual fact I also only one of many, and I see that I am no more special, than other, I see that we are all the same, just bit different
  • In general everybody are twisted, so I do not have to fear from nailing my metersized pupil, or I laugh more than 5 minutes continuously on a strange way
  • Something sharp electronic dance music is going on a huge power –that makes the situation more intense, even can shout over my thoughts, in my whole body I feel th music, I am becoming the music, and as it is going, the many people all listening the same sound – like this something ‘connection’, ‘onness’ is happening.
  • I cant hide with my little ego, when I feel that well, now it is quite pushed, or preparing to explode…instead of this, I am here in moment and act is needed…if not, I just go to the ‘chill area’, where slower music is going, there is possibility to sit, lie down, but definitely not escaping back into my shelter and no one could see that I didn’t faced with myself – or if I want to get this, than I go home, if I can, but than that wont be just a simple case, so that’s sure I will remember for this about I choosed that way, also that is experience, that is also I am
  • But somehow, that is still can be hiding – this is like a dishonesty in the honesty – or honesty in the dishonesty..what is the hiding in that? I binded something into outer conditions, and after like a flow, like a system, a turing-machine, I planned and executed – there was the input, and the output was a bit predictable… with the psychedelics I got the intensity and the unsecurity and like that was a bit like fishing, but it was totally preprogrammed the whole story, but in that time I just didn’t realized..i didn’t realized what is the LSD what does and how, and that’s why I could trust in that blindly.

I saw this at that time(except the last part), so I preferred parties.

2003 november: Alejandro Jodorowsky’s : The holy mountain movie we watched, and after that we went to a drum and bass party, mostly I was alone…I took the acid when we got in, and I just walked around, there were many many people, and after a ‘time’, suddenly I saw a guy, who had the same kind of pants, like me, he had the same shirt than I got…He was about 10 meters far away just front of me…and after that I looked at his face and I saw that hey that’s me, fuck me! I looked into ‘his’ eye straightly, the White Light ‘overtook the control’, and just particles I remember…I saw myself in everybody, totally everybody was totally me, same cloth, all same nothing more for a while…So as I looked onto anybody, I saw literally the same picture, the long brown streaked shirt and the velvet pantals, I was everybody and everything in that party, for a while.. I realized that hey, I am everybody, literally. As I look to anyone, I see myself, that gave some new perspectives…(in that time I did not get the ironic part of ith, about I never see out from myself)… After this intense part flowed into another kind, I just sat and enjoyed, as the whole place boomed as one to the wild tribal rhytms, the dancing people, but there was very hot, the sweating dribbled from the wall, and I looked up and one drop fell into my eye. After that for quite some time I just bought a drink and near the dancefloor I just stood and held the drink until someone did not asked from that, and after that I brought an another one, and meanwhile I just stared a wall-carped, there was sitting a Buddha-like being and he had 3splitted face, looking left, right and center ‘onto me’. I felt like that symbolises the past, present future. And that in the present there is no past and future.

Ok, all the same, after some time the “more brave ones” started to take more than one acid blotter, and at parties with thousand of people we did it.


I remember for that we took an acid at our house, and we started to travel for a hour with a green train(hey now I just live near of it lol) to go outside from city to reach an old factory where that party occured. Sitting on that train was like to travelling straight upwards into the moon...When we arrived, we met with Ca, and we took one more acid blotter...that was an internet explorer, or a fluted faun(we called it dancer)…or at home we took this and there the another or in reverse (all has some pattern on paper, and a bit of course as we are picture presentations, somehow determined the whole shit)

I remember for that, we were standing with Bence(he personally asked me to use his real name, cool) to leaning against the wall somewhere at the background, at the edge of the dancefloor, and the intense psychedelic trance was on, many, really many people, a reconstructed factory building was, s suddenly everything went to so intense, that I could not bear that anymore...I moved to one “chill” area, and I just sat down near the wall and with crossed legs I stared into the space, into the nothingness, without focus, and that was something like that when Buddha was sitting and saw the “existence” and that was completed, mind gave up all duality, seemed to dissolve and suddenly I woke up and walked back into the very intense mass, to Bence, and I was standing near to Bence and we spoke spoke spoke and he asked something, and for that instead of answering, I just simply turned around, and did some steps into a direction, and while people walked around, and me “just went” without mind, just like that, and I became so that what I did, so something happened, and Bence saw this stuff, he became that what I was and we became one and saw back and I saw he got ‘that’ and the time and space started to dissolve, and suddenly I had experience with Bence like we exchanged body, but like at the same time, but in that time I couldn’t figured it. And meanwhile we saw big spirals, the whole HUGE White Light Construct, and the “infinity”, inside plains, beings, levels, layers, many, but just like blocked in...the begining of it and the end of it of this present reality, and many fuzzy memories like that I have, and also that I was staring my own blue eyes and clearly realizing that I am looking into my own eyes...In that time I felt like I was totally untied, totally dissolved, about all of this is just a consciousness, a some kind of projection, a big White Light Consciousness. After that, that kind of experience had gone, (we had it for a while)... in that time we never danced, even did not understood that people in theese kind of parties why dance, of course we saw that extasy and “e-soldiers” and they are going and going and “pushing the big chariot of whole mind-spiral” and we were standing there somehow inside that and they “drive” the system one by one and together and we were outside of that but yet inside of it, and yet like the system itself.

After a while we met with the “others”, I remember Ca came around and he was also like spelled and me and Bence we felt that we were shining, as one, but we did not feel that, more likely we were that...strange...and Bence asked from Ca, that “who are you really?” and Ca answered like that “uuuu you shouldnt asked exactly that aaaaaaaaa” and was like he did not wanted to “spend time” on this, I mean he was around exactly this, but he did not wanted to see until the deepest...After there was many things like that, and gathered with others and thought came, I started to concerning about an another girl, who appeared like not enjoying that party on acid(she came ‘with us’, and as my mind started to reboot, my stability started to deplete, and I let me influenced, I forced me to be influenced, because I was not clear about the basic principle of onness and equality in that time..etcetc, mind shit, - I did not wanted to be more likely influenced with the party...I saw for example a girl who consumed ketamine and she was like a dying animal struggling on ground and others were sitting around like zombies, and in the toilet an old guy shoveled the urine liter by liter as in a scary surreal grotesque hell, the colors were different, the layers, the movements, all, while totally drugged young ones who extensively lost themselves and acted like robots were walking around, was REALLY really that experience what I never forget, and this is HELL and Bence for example never went to toilet, so he even did not knew that, and I started to be influenced with that also, so I felt desire to escape away, about “ok we got the experience, no more reason to stay in that place” – but on other way, the music was cool, the vibrating, still was onness a bit, but not equality!!!, that was never!! So I suddenly stated ok lets go home and noone wanted to go home really, so after that we stayed, and was some confusion (in my about first 15-20 acid trips I experienced that uncertainity, and I never knew that was me or others or all but I always experienced that very intensely, but after that as I started to do “trips” alone, I realized, fuck, that I do not care, I am me on trips, when should I, if not on acid? I was on this , so I was me on trips and I did not give a shit for others shitting about uncertainity after that, but there, in that time, I did extensively)

And once I stated that let’s go, or I said ok I go, and no one wanted to go, but I was afraid to say about I would like to stay, because what kind of onness could be that if I do not care on others – and just because I wanted to escape from more intense mindrevealing experiences lol trap hehe - but after that suddenly some of us, Bence, me and some others went to home, exactly everybody went to home separatedly to home, but before that Bence and me were quite excited and extensively influenced with the White Light, and we had spared an acid blotter, and Bence said ok, let’s throw it into the river Danube, but was far, so we just spit big, and threw the LSD into that on the street – being that the sign, we “are realized the truth”, no more needed lol...

I arrived to home(in that time I didn’t lived with C. – she once said “leave!”, because that was not cool together, and I moved to an oldstyled huge ground-floor flat, where the “delinquency” went on all the time, of course in terms of the “goodness”, like smoking, cool brutal machinemusic and many people all the time…

So I arrived to “home” and that was already “next day”, you can imagine what things I said, their ears splitted, and I was in those things, I explained that this is just a mind consciousness and acid and party and spirals etc etc etc, and I was totally twisted, it lasted for weeks, I had not much(but I had, rather I should say I do not remember) for my thoughts and those were so stipulative about the perspective of my future, influencing me even now.

After that Bence came to visit and he was all the time around the omniscience, and he said he even do not want to read books, but simply just he wants omniscience and that’s all. In that time I almost just read Buddha, shamanism, Buddhism…the aikido sensei suggested the Buddhist stuffz, especially zen, Buddha’s life, sutras etc. After that somehow I found a book about tantric Buddhism and there I found similar structural explanations, like those LSD-experiences. I remember, I said to Bence, just read into that, it’s funny, but he resisted, he did not need books, just wants the omniscience and that’s all. I held too much information even that point of my life, I’ve became too much information, what I was not, and that’s why I always laughed on this about him, but it has sense…

In that time, especially after that experience, which calmed down, I totally felt out from my reality, I lost all my interests, I just sat and smoked the hasish and looked how the incense smokes and candle flamed.

‘Total plug-out’

I totally turned in – I did not see the meaning to communicate with any human being, because I realized ALL this is just an artifical masked illusion. I despaired about that: all those made by the LSD, or me? ‘Enlightenment!, like a virus infected my mind, I even did not cared about anything else. I was curious about can I overstep in this world, and I was very very decided. But it was strange, it was like not me, just a thin thread, a strip what flowes trough on this reality by itself…I was just sitting, front of a mirror-wardrobe on a little bed, what was my place in that time, and exactly at the center I didn’t see my head, my spine, because there was the meeting of the 2 doors of this wardrobe. But I saw my body was sitting ‘there’, and I was stared the candle, I stared the incense until I became that. I was not sad, not happy, just in my equanimitedness I got that need to sit and nothing else, to being focus to a point until that I became really that point. After a time the smoking of the fucking strong and expensive afghan hasish also became nonsense, because when I just sat and breathed, it didn’t mattered really, even I became that when the effect already went out from me.

So I just sat and thoughts just came and came and my only chance was ‘against’ them in that time to focus with my eyes to the candle and decidedly deeply breathing. It was like I was pushing up a big spherelike stone to a mountain, what was uneven, so sometimes it just rolled back onto the foot(of that mountain) the ‘whole and I could started it again.

It was like that for many days, when suddenly I realized I was breathing quite intensely, like I became just the breath and I was just watched the candle, what started to finish, because it was almost ran out, and started to blaze wildly, as ‘it was upon it’s last legs’.

And suddenly the candle blowed out, s something became very different. I felt like my body and soul felt out, suddenly did not became dark, but light. I was not seeing the little room, and my sitting body in the mirror, but my sight widen out, I saw infinity, my body and soul felt out and I remained ‘somewhere’ (t)here silently, what about I do not have word. After that I found that picture a bit similar:

But it was more more alien, not just picture-like, not so ‘nice’ like this. Somehow I approached to freedom, to the abstract, uncondifional freedom – but it was not that in the least. But in that time it gave a push. My body and the world was transparent, the room disappeared, but still not saw all, just myself, but in that time I did not understand what was that, I did not understand that I saw the systems inside me, but that was more ‘real’ than this picture world. Literally I saw the White Light gridline structure, and I was linked into that, like in the matrix, but somehow differently, my body was also like just a picture, it was transparent and dark, and in some places lighty things floated inside of it.

Hours passed – and it was just a moment.

Suddenly friends of friends came into the room, and it slowly gone, like a larva, I crawled back into the chrysalis, what we call human body, and time became again, space, I got body again, soul, feeling, thought, confusion, all. Hmm. Maybe there I was not honest, maybe there was a thought-splinter, because all of this returned, or it was programmed like that, now I do not know that…I became afraid from that: my living mate’s girlfriend ‘ what she could think’ – that’s it I was just sitting immovably, and as they came into ‘my reality’, my starting point was not stable, thou I focused for them and I ‘lost myself’. Some kind that…

What came-came back into my head that, I was like about in that ‘state’ in one moment I could realize that how ‘could I reach’ that kind of experiencing again, but for that ‘I have to reach that again’. I had thoughts like, certainly it lasted, because I am not well ‘calm’, ‘stable’. So I felt like I have to be opened, my turning in, the ‘sitting in the cave’ has to end, I have to open myself, I have to start communicate with people, something is ‘missing’.

This experience more likely confirmed me in that this world is just a trap, just a disturbing projection. But in that time I did not know, why. Because I was not honest.

Henceforward I was searching, but more specificly, until in the tibetian Buddhism I really found those explanations what I trusted without questions, without becaming one hundred percent – I paused my sceptic.

What was strange, that after this strange experience everything was still the same, only inside I separated more likely from my everydays. I wished to get away, I didn’t understand and moreover when I quited from my current workplace, they still transferred my salary, one thousand euros per month, what I used for I got many drugs and throwed money by the handful. I did not cared anybody and anything, just I wanted to put into place what the fuck is happening with me, with all. I knew that in that time I meddled into something…

I tried to open myself, I started to work in an art shop in another city, I knew a girl from the psychedelic community, one guy’s wife, who had that handwork shop. It was ideal, to be front of people, no excuse, no hiding, facing. It was just one month, it was enough. My favorite part was when kids came to workshop. I realized I enjoy little kids extensively.

I made mistake, I was not really honest, that I got off with her, suddenly we were very stoned and we slept in a bed three of us(+an another girl, who slept in soon), and I just perceived that I was stroking her and wondering how velvetlike is her skin and after that I was kissing her ear. After that came to light that she was in divorcing, and she did not enjoyed sex with her husband, (who was also experienced many many with psychedelics), but the all of that was not honest… The girl was not really honest, I did not do anything with her(except with that earkissing) until, she did not moved away from him, but still was strange…but the sex was awesome with her, big system transfers…

I said to her for me it is just about sex, good self-expression, but I was not depending on her(only the sex), and I wont, would be cool if she also shouldn’t, etc..but eventually it dit not happened like that…She fell love into me. But still said that: no. And I saw that, but I did not leaved her. Because the sex was cool, I also learnt so much from her.

Suddenly I became sick, unexpectedly, very much like. It was interesting, from a minute to an another I felt like I was deadly sick. I lied to sleep and in my dream a strange manifestation did matras to me and I became healed. I clearly remember that it was transparent, crystallike and very nice.

After that I found similarity in a buddhaform, what is called Avalokiteshvara, the aspect of ‘compassion’. At that moment it sucked me totally the buddhism, i researched, readed, investigated. I swallowed it determinatedly. Maybe once again i had similar experience but from that time many things are foggy. Of course my mind was all the time around theese stuffz so I saw those manifested.

What I remember, that I decided-realized that I do not need to meditate anymore, because that’s unnecessary, just need to act. Somehow I explained that to me, it lasted (that intense experience), so it had to be like that, so it is surely happened, because I was not ready for that, because something I have to transcende… I felt like “I came out from that state”, before I could experience that how could I “slim” back, so I vowed that as I re-experience that again, there and then I will focus on that, only, for shouldn’t be needed to run many and countless circles, for “gym myself as that stone up onto the mountain”. Later yet I decided differently, but rather in my mind, in my deeds, I wanted to meditate all the time, but somehow I never did it again more thatn some hours, and mostly only when ‘friends’ did that…in those times for me it was easy to ‘keep the speed with that’, if we speak about just sitting, ‘practising breath’, or doing mantras, I didn’t excited, how much time we do, how numb was the leg, how much “time” – because I knew “the sitting will elapse in any case”, because it already happened and something is still missing but pass…

I received a book about an dannish old guy, Lama Ole Nydahl’s book, about the tibetian Buddhism’s spreading onto west, who wrote that previously he took many LSD and hasish, and after that he had found the 16th Karmapa in Tibet, who started to teach him and he stopped drugs and meditated and did mantras and found the ‘enlightenment’, more likeliy the way to that: meditation – tantra.

Bence and me like one we had been sucked into this Buddhist machine, like small cog-wheels, from that point we became regular visitors of the lama, initiations, practicing different tricks, whose focused onto ‘buddhist pure lands, heavens’, the “Pure Light”, the “White Light”, the enlightenment and mantas.

Of course I still pushed the acid into me, the marijuana and I even experienced those, what about I quoth he ‘learnt’. I saw buddhas, I saw lights, I saw eye-fields, I swimmed into seemly endless light-consciousness plains, I dissolved in the joy of the White Light, and it sustained, pampered, I saw that where beings arrived after death, I was in Buddhaheavens, I walked in mandalas, once I even spoke with an ascended master, a mahasiddha, even I saw the end of the wholeness again. The whole consciousness, what infinitely compelled to ethernity as a spiral, contains the end of it also, the mathematical equation, what is not els than what we are in. Bence choosed differently: he stopped with drugs, he is doing millions of mantras and as an extra plus he is believing blindly. I also believed, but what attracted me: I even experienced as well…

I couldn’t define bigger joy as mind from mind, than dissolving in the White Light, like experience the whole energy construct, like giving up myself to it, as be conscious of this whole liquid information flowness, without to be really faced with everything: The most terrible drug, what could exists, the mind itself. The mind, what abused the onness and equality fully and totally, equally contained everything and everybody as one enslavement.

But after that suddenly in one moment all that magic has gone. But in that time I still couldn’t get that how and why? Because I fell in one point: fear.

The fear, as self-dishonesty, and the desire for hide, the not wanting to facing. And that is not all, the whole thing could be leaded back to one point: I was feared to start it. I was afraid to be honest, I was fearful to live, because mostly I knew what could be the consequences. But about that a bit later…

More White Light Experiences

I can not explain all, because that were so much, that I even do not remember – but I remember for all, but I even do not remember for the keys, whose I locked those into me, but after that I even locked those keys too, but slowly it is coming back as I am forgiving myself my self-dishonesty. OOOOUCCH!

At one point C started to grow mushroom, and I ate that in every week, many times more frequently, that was very ‘cool’, somehow was not so acid-like than LSD but was more ‘natured’, and didn’t lasted for a day, just for some hours…and of course I took the acid too, after 40 trips, I stopped counting, there were very intense experiences, and I am sure in every single trip I now could find the seed of my self-dishonesty.

We experimented with other psychedelics, for example Salvia divinorum, 5-MEO-DMT, and also sometimes I combined some, for example acid with MDMA crystal, etc…

About 2004 autumn, I allowed myself to be persuaded to extasy(seemly I did not liked that as I was on acid and saw, spoke with people on that), and I still did not dance, and anyway what I resist, I fear, so I decided to try..I took a half, and for 2-3 hours nothing happened(at a party), but after that I just experienced that I was going to the dancefloor and dancing, dancing, dancing like an obsessed, very cool music was, Penta, a Russian psytrance, and I became dance, I became dancing shiva as I felt…was strange, but I felt a bit freedom of dance, and from that point I never took extasy again (ok 2 more times, but onto acid, and that is very different), because from that ‘point’ I just can dance and that’s all. It was like if I drink 3-4 beers, and my inhibited imprinting was faded and enjoyed myself, accepted and started to love myself somehow…but was a bit strange as I experienced that my ‘consciousness was not extended like with acid’ –and my eyes a bit came out a bit, and I also became a bit dancing robot, and I had to concentrate to pull my eyes back(after the party) lol.

-there was a party for EU connection party may 1 of maybe 2005, and we took 5g dried mushroom, Ca, Bence, X and me. And we were on a big hill and saw the big river from far beyond and on other part there started to manifested the party, it was daytime and we just ate that, and waited what will happen, and many strange things happens, but for me was the more relevant, that at one point I saw as the sky just literally opened and I see all of us had a white shining lightbeam from the sky and we were connected to some kind of heaven… And we enjoyed just walking, running around, and i was like ’eh is it so simple like this? Just being totally here and nothing more, and was very cool, but after some strange things happened, and Ca just went away and I followed him for a while, and I was in a hat, and with my jewsharp I followed him and I saw his fear in his eyes and after that I played with the jewsharp to call him back and could read his footprints in the nature, and at one point I saw him as he went to the ’border’ of our ’territory’, of our ’tripping heaven’, and he just went away, and after that I saw I can do nothing about it, he just wanted to go, and he did it, that’s all…Sometimes I heard his shouts about AAAAAAAARRRGH and ok I went back, and I said to X, ok I saw him, but he just was a bit afraid and ran...ran back to the ‘civilization’. Oks I sat down near to X, who just made very strange noises, like a synthetisator, and whimpered, but was just like an experiment with his noise, and I enjoyed, and Bence said ok I will find him and I knew that will happen…and later he said he found him, there was a house, near the village where workers did some correcting on a house, and we went down there and Ca was there, a bit like a caged animal, and after that he said he was afraid and called his father about smoked some hash and became afraid, so soon the car came and took him to home LOL. And after that we walked around, and prepared ourselves for the party, and there Bence took 3 acid blotters, and I took 2… And I was totally tired for a moment, and I ate some sandwitches, and after that suddenly the acid just hit me, in ten minutes, straight to the peak. I totally lost my control, my eyesight just fall aparts, I did not see more than half meter, and I saw mandalas, energy fields, and I was literally in some kind of projected heaven, what was not separated from myself, but was inside of me…and some weeks before with Bence we took refugee in Buddhism, in Buddha, in his teachings, in Buddha heavens, etc, so I was like, wWow I experience that literally…and I cried, that was intense..and at one point I catched C and she was with Ca already, as Ca came back to party for the night, and C helped to me to walk around and I said to her very big shit, like I love her and I want children from her and things like that, because I was fucking afraid, about my whole life is falling apart as I experience another worlds, plains, dimensions, and all, and was nice, and it lasted for maximum a hour, and after that I became very very very tired, I just always was on that being able to not feeling cold(I asked her swetter when she went to dance), and not being so much miserable…At one point X went to home(he didn’t take acid) and Bence said the 3 acid has no effect for him absolutely, he just see everything is moving on the ground, some trippy hallucinations, but anyway not really happening any special. And at one point I saw something big flying circleshaped thing moving upwards, and I just pointed up with my finger to Bence and he saw that and he said: Well I always wanted to know about UFO-s, now I see they just exists. I didn’t say anything, and after that I said ok I go home, I am very tired, burned out, and anyway no energy. But I had to wait until the morning bus…And Bence came with me, and at sunrise we drunk a beer, and was very cool to just go sleep.

Another trip, with another guy, hes name was Candy and we took acid and extasy when acid came into effect…it was like a tornado inside the body, and I was like in a spaceship and I just could stand at the edge of the dancefloor, and Candy came and said hey man, dance, man, dance..and I just almost lost my mind..and he once said that to me, so I started to dance, and it was Kindzadza party, it was awesome, the best psychedelic trance ever, and we just danced all the time when we could…I was quite happy about to seeing a girl, because I liked her picture (at her sister I slept some), and for me she was a bit like Ripley from the alien movies, and that Ripley role remembered a bit for my mother…anyway she was there and we spoke, but I was literally on fucking high, so we just danced and it was cool from that perspective that I am not shy anymore and I do not becoming tired, but with extasy, the pure mind thing became more emotional, and from that, I was not the whole party, with all the place, with all the people, as onness, but more likely I was me, and inside my body I experienced things, and literally I could compress all my ‘joy’ into one point where I wanted…and to dance with Candy was an experience, because he is like a demon(acid+mdma=candy) inspiring all around us, and moving like a very professional dancer, and interacting with everybody, and using a very cool laser pinpointer to making a fucking big show literally, but being sure that he never points more up than the hip(because laser can fuck eyes) was quite big party…and I met with others but I couldn’t speak really, because of my chemical setting was like a nuclear plant…

Salvia divinorum:

First I smoked dried leaves, but after that I got the extracted black dust, and we mixed those, even once with Bence we tried on acid…that was big shot…

I just experienced that the room became transparent, and I was somehow something like in dimensions, and I experienced that I was moving very fastly into the nowhere, and I saw many stars, and the space, and energies, and was very interesting…

Bence just started to touch the chair what he sat on, and couldnt to find that point, where he ends and where the chair starts, was funny…

I took salvia many times, smoking from cigarette, smoking from bong, smoking from plastic bottle, etc, and sometimes was really shit weird, so alien like…once i stood on my hand as i smoked – i just wanted to lie down into an armchair, and next moment I saw everything reversed as my body literally started to do standing on my own hands, and i felt like a womanlike demon was walking around in my body…All salvia experiences were totally different, once we smoked with Bence and I saw big blue energy snakes flying around him and I just touched one and disappeared…

Once we smoked and I saw all of us as cartoon players, I literally saw the layers, were like intense colored, and I just saw many many layers on my friends…and as I focused to this, I started to laugh, and couldnt stop until the experience dissolved…

Once I could touch with my sight, and I literally experienced on a very intense way what I focused with my eye, as I saw, and I experienced the quality of the surface, I just touched with my sight…

Once we smoked, some of us, and all experienced at one specific corner there ’is’ something, and it was a bit steepy there, but not with our sight…and in other room we all just sticked to the wall, like it had own gravity…

So there were many strange things…

And sometimes just with marijuana, I got very very intense experiences…once I smoked and I wanted to go out to the city, just I do not know why, just for walk, and it was cold, and we smoked from a bong what made from plastic bottles, and we used to stick a picture onto it for fun – and mine was Ole(the buddhist lama was stickered on that), and I smoked many many times from ole lol and I went out to the street, and in that time I got that very freezy feeling, as I went out, and it was not really phisical, but I even did not know where the fuck I was going – and suddenly I saw the world totally differently, how could I explain, yes, like Frodo, when he put the ring on—everything was dark, literally, grey, and brown, and black, everybody, it was like a hell, not the oktogon(place in budapest, very busy at the center), and I was VERY VERY AFRAID, I saw I was in hell, and I went into the art cinema, my living friend just worked there, and we used to smoke there, but he wasnt around, I looked the fishes in the aquarium, and they were entrapped, and after that I decided to use the subway, and I went and I was sitting at the end and I was looking the people, and the train, and I was like ’here, now, i am here, now i am here, focus, focus, focus’ because I was loosing my mind literally…I was very scary about what will happen if I loose myself there, where were many people, and at one point I just lost all, everything went into white, and I do not remember…

So about 3 years ago something is changed. Until that Bence stopped drugs for sure, I did extensively. I felt like I even do not need to decide any, all already happened, I already did, now I just “have to flow” and the redundant stuff like this automatically fades, just need to do it. I was like that concrete decidement, like “I do not want to be drugged anymore” was also too concrete, ergo that should be the same devotion, like I would say I still take. So I commited myself to my flow: it should happen to take more or not.

I could not decide and I solved that like I found conditions outside from me, what decided that I did take LSD or not – and in my self-dishonesty I said for this that does not matter, come what may!


But suddenly something changed. It was New Year’s Eve, I took Hoffmann(quite strong LSD dose) at first time and it was very twisty…But what was the most strangest, that no mandalas, no lights, no buddhas, no eyefields, nothing well extended hallucinations I did not get: just was like to be in a ‘sterile’ mind-program. Somehow everything had constrast and I found mind-blowing rumbling in myself, a dreadful spring-force, what drove me and the best was to dance for psytrance, just dance and dance…After that I felt cold, I sat into the room, where a guy ate 5g dried mushroom and Shpongle’s track sounded, called ‘Divine moments of truth’, and we enjoyed that together, but for me just thoughts came, about why do I need to sit here at all, and the guy experienced his little mystical experience – from outside he seemed like he even was not there, just was stunned, and moved his neck as he was sitting. After that in the music there was a peak, that was pleasure, but because of my past memory experiences, but after that the guy looked at me and he asked what was that. I didn’t say anything just stared to him but he experienced that very mystically, and I still did not sayed anything, and the ‘party’ ended before midnight, everyone retreated, the other guy, who I did the acid with, also couldn’t remained just like those sleepy ones, and the other 2 who took some substances, were a couple and were in an another room…and we couldn’t speak loudly and weren’t any music in the room, so my tripping mate went out to walk on ice on the lake, and I was seeing as the candle burns down as hours passed, until all others slept. Bence were there, but he in that time decided not to take any acid, and also he was very coughing, from coldness, and also he slept and I watched also him for hours as he snoozed.

That was my first LSD experience maybe when there was not any ’Light’, just that what was my mind. In that time I did not suspected anything, I thought(hahaha) like hmm well, this should be a test, or something i did wrong, or hm I passed a level etcetc shit..

After that I ate LSD less and less, but smoking continued. After that there was an another LSD experience, between hills there was a party and there I took acid, and my favourite trance performancer came, the KINDZADZA, who is the most asskicking, strikingly marked music on this earth: space war, metal claws, agressive wild sounds penetrating into the deepest part of the human, mixing up with playful, space exploring tricky sounds, when my mind’s polarity equation one in one splitted into 2 parts. On the stage there was the performancer, who I looked upon to, and I saw, well this is SATAN, a demon, an absolute ‘negative’. ‘darkness’. What even can devour my little pathetic light! This redeemed an abhorrent strong counterpole, what seemed like I could be the counterbalance, the positive: if we should say for that the Devil, well than I was Cryst haha…

I felt like I had to give away all because that is lasting and was strange, but after that that performancer lasted, gone, and I went back into the tent and with my mate(who also got those sound metal claws by acid but differently) and we were just lolling around how the trees waved and more 15 hours we couldn’t sleep but smoking in chain.

So maybe this was my last well like ‘mystical’ experience in my life, but it was like the remainder discharging, after that totally I took 3 more times LSD, one of those was in Thailand, the next year’s eve in a party, that was nothing special, oh yes, until last moment it seemed like “there wont be LSD”, but than a Japanese guy came and “just arrived”, and I changed charas to acid, and halfed with a French juggler. The music system went out for a while, when the best part was, my mind also went out but just for a moment, and it came back as more stronger, and I saw very twisted people from the acid(we dealed together from japanese), and I was with them and laughed with them, and runned with them but after I realized they are not really enjoying that really, just they cracked, and I after that realized that is not really funny, so after some dance(was cool)I smoked from chillum…

After that, 2 months later in Goa, at a party I ate one more, it was quite cool music, but suddenly music system went out, it was very very quite, and acid drived me so muchly, and there were so much people, and all was totally twisted and we even danced like that. As I silenced I could dance and there were people who could did whirling and I was happy because I could dance, and even the music was not loud, I even danced, I did like the White Light even “feed me”, but only my burned habits drove me. Of course, because I dance quite loosely, there were some girls who came to me, but as my habit, I could not do anything with them, I never could do that at parties, because I did not felt that to be honest. My friends did MDMA crystal onto nose, and they were on that crystal, but that was not cool for me. They were not all right. I felt them cold, robotlike, but they were on crystal, what for me was like BLOOWNY ‘put me up’ They seemed somehow inhibited, fundedlike, serious, and it seemed that the stuff drove them really, and their body also twitched, but not like ‘AAAAAAAA party time’, but serious and afraidlike headbanged, about ‘it’s king’. After that suddenly the music stopped literally(before only little speakers sounded), that was some kind of fear from police, and we were sitting at the front of the pool, sun burned around, we smoked, and I started incenses, until a girl came to me and said, hey it is too much…my friend’s head were moved like the music still went around, but it was deadly silence. That was unreal awakening. I started to experience there is no more hideout, after this trip I will have to move my fucking ass. I felt like very much tiredness attaced me. Very very much.

Somehow I gathered with a guy from Kuwait and he was full of charas, we continuously smoked, and after that music came back. I moved some for music, but I was very very tired, I also lied down somewhere and I even lost my consciousness. I felt absence, infinite absence, emptiness, insulting sadness. I couldn’t escape from myself anymore…

After that we went back to the beach where our HQ was(we just occoupied a part of the end of a beach and a Romanian girl was in charge to keep on our bags and tents and stuffz..), s on the road we ate some Samosa(spicy fried stuff) from street.I knew if I could eat that I will be sick inevitabely but I was very low on energy and I needed so did. And in that point I felt I got sick, what is just happened and lasted for very months, almost a half year. Belly parasite it was, I did very much diarhoea, and we traveled, I tok many medicines but nothing helped. We moved to an another place, Gokarna beach, we were preparing to participate in Shivaratri, for the big shiva celebration, where all smokes and music and dance, but that was in Varanasi, and I also wanted to go there, but I wouldn’t dared, because I was afraid about I wont have money. Also in that day there was Kindzadza in Nepal, my favourite performer, that also attracted, but also about the money, and all my desire was that in vain, I couldn’t allow it to myself. But we stayed in Gokarna, the shivaratri there was just about throwing bananas, it was “nothing special”, we were staying at Om beach, I became VERY sick, others went back to goa to a juggler workshop, I stayed there with some friends. I shared my room with a romanian girl, she was cute, but not my case, and anyway I was in diarrhoea like as you can imagine it as more intense it can be in a human phisical body.About 20-40 times a day i went to toilet and washed my as by water. With the left one. And taking the water from the barrel. Yet I couldnt smoke, in vain we found the best charas(hash) in india. We moved over to Paradise beach, it was really beautiful, it was a hidden beach with very less toursts, cheap bungalows, restaurants, good faces, beautiful, opened girls, hippies, musicians, nudist part, everything. There were quite lot, I met with some girls who I enjoyed to be with, we could smile as one, but I always liked girls who had their boyfriend behind them, and I felt like that is not „right”, as I became attracted to them, so I avoided them.

Besides that, with a greek girl once we took a bath and huge waves hit the beach, but she just arrived to Paradise and I enjoyed that with her…on that day the death touched me. There and the something definitively broke inside me…we went inside, but not much, and stayed close to the rocks, she swimmed more inside, and took a little time around the rocks, and I just heard her to shout ’careful’, and I saw as a big wave catches me and inside my mind I saw that it hits into the rock beind turned around and it just did not happened…She shouted again that, but it was too late…I lost everything, up and down became irrelevant, the wave just took me, literally like in washing mashine, and my life run down and my mind popped up my mother, and that: Ok before this I survived to spilling my skull, but now I wont…I gave up everything. It was similar to LSD-experiences as all comphounded and suddenly there were exploding or compressing in those times, this one was literally was the splashing mind-fear manifestation, what it just simply turned off the mind for a moment. I so believed that that is over, so it became over. The sea knocked down me so much, but I still was on my own feet, I almost squated. I opened my eyes and the cloddy rock was about some centimeters far from my forehead…FEAR…it came into my mind, more likeli this motivated the mind as me to ’go out from the fucking water’ – and as I pushed away myself into the water, i hit my hip extensively to a rock under the water, I started to bleed..On the beach one guy subsisted…with the girl I never spoke again, a spanish girl, who I was cool with, started to teach her to drumming, I liked her very much, I started to teach her for some basic rhytms, namely I had very big pain in my hip, the bone itself, and I still felt my fear of death, so she came to me as I appeared, and said ’You promised that you will teach to drumming tonight’. Ok. I did, and as I was with her, simply my pain stopped, every shit stopped, our drumming was extremely cool together, inside I had some adrenalin-like stuff, enormous motivation force, horribly fear, what the sea-experience opened, what I couldnt supress anymore…But with all those I was somehow joyful, my mind didnt worked like before, I was straight and stable, I hugged her and directed her hands, we drummed as one, and now as I write this, I see that my mind than and there almost everything released for some hours…But after a while I saw as her boyfriend, who was amazing guitarist, sometimes watches over us, and that was a bite disturbing…After that at night there was party at the beach, with israeliens, hungarians, greeks, all…I danced together with others, my brutal fear of death still was very strong at the moment, my hipbone hurted very much, and it was amazing as on that beach at that party I could not do anything else, like staying moment, because i had very very much pain and I was very tired and old and dreadful. I danced with rainbow brothers and I had no hindrance, not even inferiority or superiority, just self-expression…

After that I ran into a chillum, it was very strong hash-oiled best charas combination, I smoked from that and I became my mind again…I felt tiredness, terrible tiredness, very very big pains I got, and soon I went to sleep. But all were waited for moonclipse…

After one-two days later we prepared to leave with our rainbow-hippie group from the beach, we had to walk up on a path to leave the area, and we walked up there…

I didn’t regret for leaving Paradise. I was there full of the best drugs, with the most beautiful girls, on the literally paradise beach, nothing outer barrier(I always desired this situation – I got it), yet I was a broken old man, like a dog who was chained and just there is his dish, but cant reach. I felt that very very very bad. I was at low point. Anywhere we go from there – it only can be better than this – I was like that…The most profound part was that when with an Israeli girl we saw a doplhpin to appear at the beach and swim away.

At this point I was really very weak, the continous diarrhea took away all my physical strength – I lived only rice, potato and papaya – my 18 kged backpack with the drum was on my shoulder, we walked up on the path by the summit of rock, to leave Paradise beach and somewhere up there I decided for putting down my backpack for a while to rest a bit. (these words are key importance words in my life, now I see). Near me was a quite good fella from hunduras and as I threw down my bag, I said to him ‘many hundreds of kilometers I carried this bag, but now I cant carry it’. And as I threw it down to the pathway, it just slipped down and started to fall into the abyss… I put one hand out for it and literally head down pulled me to the abyss. My friend said that Tala in one moment simply just disappeared into the deepness. It was interesting experience, I didn’t loose my head(I am here), I clinged to branches, whose came into my hand, and shit my bag I didn’t released, but truly it did not get any problem if I don’t, but I slipped, still grasped into a branch, but I ripped it off, and I grasped an another branch, what was cool for that I was not head down, but my feed was down and I slipped on my back…so like that I could see that there down on the Paradise beach some familiars sees as I am falling down haha – I surveyed also the nude beach, where I roasted my ass for weeks, but it seemed to worthy to concentrate to that I am suddenly falling down and it is quite deep, so I grasped into rocks, and those what I held – came out, but slowed me down and I could to grasp to an another – what stopped me, aahhhh. Uh it was stronger thatn 500MW, but hence I laughed. If I fall from there, it was questionable to survive…From up others shouted, didn’t believe that I am living, I got my breath and started to occupy a position, but it was not so stable, they staid do not move, bringing a rope…and meanwhile I regazed the overview, wounds came into conscious, those weren’t so serious, and they pulled me up with my fucking heavy backpack, as I tied the rope into my waist. I remember, as I climbed up, as I used the rope,I totally became one with the rope, with the abyss, with that fact, that was more steepy than the previous sea-experience. I reached the top, and eased up, one brother carried my bag for a while(and hes knee went out shit!), we staggered to the village, and well I was just blinking…A djeep was waiting for us for an all-day travel to reach the other city, and the others looked at me and didn’t believed what happened, and I walked up and down, many water I drunk, my feet were shaked, all-firedly. I held my head, at that time my mind got a quite big slap again…I sat into the car, and we almost started when I said I have to get out, because I womit, and I did, many came up, it was amazing, as I womited, I got freed from something what I even not realized at that time, but was good. I didn’t womited since years, as I stopped alcohol..I cleansed..I laughed and I looked forward and breathed depply…now as I write this, this one is also describes my mind, I ridiculously grasped to my previous experiendes, to my burden, to my mind, to my past, to my desires...

After that we went to that another city, where took me into a hospital, I got antibiotics, and after a couple of days I became better, we went up to an ‘ancient sacred mountain’, where an ‘indian god’ borned, Hanuman, in Hampi, into the monkey temple, but it was a joke, the sadhus(‘saint people’ smoked weak charas, and when we gave them from our strong stuff, they cruelly coughed, and sat down to see standup comedy, by satellite, in one hand the chillum, in another is the remotecontroller, and they always say when smoking: BOM, and BOM shiva…Also we used to say that…one our brother sang with guitar the Hotel California, it was stinkingly hit there for me…the orangeclothed guys rather seemed to strange children, than saints – totally monthy pithon was, and collective dinner with them, and in the tv that song sounded ‘ BOM DIGY – DIGY – DIGY – DIGY – BOM – DIGY – BOM’, from the Trainspotting…after that next day I said good bye from others on the mountain, and I traveled up to Delhi, to visit Karmapa(some kind of Buddhist ‘teacher’, a 21 years old guy, the 17th reincarnation lol), who we ‘took refugee’, as all Buddha’s activity with Bence, but really I felt nothing. I could do that I speak with him, I ask, but I just sat there, outside I did the same than before, but inside I just couldn’t identify myself one with that. The Light what guided: ceased. But still I went, to visit those places what Buddha suggested, like the stages of his ‘enlightenment’, but all places something strange happened to me. Now I do not explain this more, but shortly I felt like this whole stuff is just not right… I saw unreal poverty and misery, I was like the circle has closed, I felt like I was Buddha itself, but somehow stepping over even him, from a perspective, and from an another not really, but just my mind overreacted. Of course I didn’t say this to the others. I got back the diarrhea, I was very weak, and after the others went back to Nepal, for continuing the pilgrimage, but for me my money had finished(I left B, I could not lend more, and I even did not wanted), I flied back to Budapest.

Here at Budapest, the usual ‘hanging around at friend’s places’ happened, I smuggled some charas for a month and I smoked that and I ate antiamoeba medicine, and I had to find a job. I got one, but was not really cool, but I had to, because I did not have money. I started to rent a villa on a mountain, far from the city, but I could go to work by bicicle. It was cool, but too expensive for me and noone wanted to visit, in vain it had enormous big garden and more levels in the house. After that I moved into a flat, front of the Danube river and the island of Margaret, into a little flaat, and I am still here…

After that now at the new year’s eve of 2007 I took my last LSD, but in that time I knew that wont solve anything, but I was very prepared for that, and it was waiting for me in the Frigidaire, and also since ‘founding desteni’ I did not took any acid, and a bit that tampered my mind, what will happen, so I did, but it was nothing special, just usual, for a moment mind stopped, otherwise terrible tiredness I got, and the mind total manifestation happened, and I danced very much, and I enjoyed to laugh and for I found the way to self: self-honesty…and after that I got very very intense flu, I never had that, but was cool, because it kept me in moment, also couldn’t smoke, what after that I just stopped, because I realized that is separation, suppress me…

And one of my last smokes was cool, very very intense..I smoked much as just I could from bong and I was quite aware, from the perspective of being the mind, and I just lied down and I questioned every thought until I reached my core fear: (to leave the body as experiencing onness and equality: to die from the perspective of the mind, the mind fears from death, fearing from loss, fearing from fear). I know that I have to stop my mind, but I wanted to reveal, why I do not do. And what I realized, that I was afraid to do it. I was afraid to act. I was afraid from act. I was afraid to act as mind to stop itself as mind, because that means the end. And I was tricky, but somehow I went trough that and I realized I am in my own wormhole, and it is neverending like that. Like I want to stop my mind, but I am the mind. So I have to stop myself. I have to stop. I have to stop what I am. I have to stop what I became. I have to stop what I accepted and allowed to became. I have to stop to stop creating my future to be able to get rid off my mind. To be able to stop using my past to create my future to be just moment.

But how I found desteni, why I write this whole story – for myself, as onness and equality.


I was working at that company, and I’ve became 28, and at that time I was totally lost: it was not enough that financially I was(and still am) horribly I went to minus, but my job was also awful(hard and overcomplicated, unmeaningful and in addition I fell apart, couldn’t concentrate)

In addition all, what lived me: slipped out from under me: all buddhas, all my ‘ruthless’ luck just in one moment absorbed for a while and I was just searching, searching, and I did everything, for finding, as before I did, but noone came, nothing happened, just what I reached that I manifested many feelings, emotions, thoughts. But really. Literally. I felt that my emotions, thought systems became so much prickling inside me, what was extremely joyful, unreal tremendous prickling. It was similar with the infusion with the White Light by the 3rd eye point, but it was less conscious, it was like animallike orgasmlike joyrush, what one in one was so intense that I felt out from my surrounding consciously for long seconds and I also became tired. And the trap was the following: this became my fuel what took away my energy. Strange. I became a demon of myself. Self-sucker perceived joybubble, with many useless knowledge.

In these times I was totally fallen: still I visited Buddhist ‘rituals’, but I did merkaba, I drawed sacred geometry and different kind of geometrical formes I visualized around me, just for believing, and to striving for something – totally forgeting that breathing and no thought and about stopping the mind, what I always wanted…I totally lost, and I even did not have power to realize that I am at the bottom…

But in the last years there were signs, my ankle went out very much, for a year I needed until I could walk normally, and after here my right left thumb broken in shape +, double like, I was lying all the time at home and suffered alone in a flat without furnitures without a coin. My familiy visited me, provided me with food, with a little attention, for not dieing, but otherwise i started to falling into despair really.

All what I trusted, believed, knowed, meant nothing, even! Just made me blind and overconfident, illogic and self-dishonest, almost devitalized, just because of one reason: I trusted fully and torally in the system. I totally accepted, that I am in, I am the slave of it, that was my last tactic what I attempted inside that, for still hiding, escaping. I said ok, I can not step out from the system, I can not leave it just simply, well I took myself and started to trust in the laws of the system, the karma, the teachings, the masters, the systems.ted in smiling orangeclothed eastern people, about if i do mumbo jumbo, than I get freed and saving the world. CUNTLY!!! WAKE UP!!! I had found only one quite profound in the diverting called spiritulism: the stories and poems of Saraha mahasiddha, he spoke about the wholeness, about you do mantras without avail, tatra, rituals, with be with vocation, making sex, that is not enough. That is very insufficient. You have to be wholeness, unifying yourself, like the transcendency itself, like the total overcoming of the polarity, like manifestation of self. .I fo not know about that was true, but anyway personally said that uncle, I even met with him in my dream, and trully he didnt shared any methods, concretely didnt said out, just wrote about to see the wholeness as everything as equal with you, but never stated it surely, and the hungarian translatin was very shity.

That’s why I never stopped searching, that’s why I was in the story of Matrix(favourite movie), into sacred geometry, into conspiracies, secret societies, other methods, for trying to find that ‘method’ what reveals the self, what gives straight and effective way to find the power of here and now, like me, without conditions, something like is good for everyone, it is here in everybody, at any situation, space, or time, for realizing ourselves, that what really we are. And if there is one being who can do it, than all should have to do it. I do not accept anymore that, ‘all animals are equal, but there are more equals’ – if I accept this, I am becoming that, I allow that and like that I manifest, I am responsible for that, and becoming my reality, I am maintaining it and I am becoming the slave of it totally. IT IS ENOUGH FROM THAT.

At the Desteni, I fould all this in one word: self-honesty. Ok, one more: self-forgiveness. Because what we are doing, that is not life. But the life starts here and now. I had many realizations about the mind-consciousness field, in the mind-consciousness field, we can say these for ‘seeing’, but I just say ‘preprogrammed dry information, but eventually not life. Like the Matrix. This is the matrix. All around you. Everything is true in that movie, literally. And I even do say(like Neo, but we are all that): I do not know the future, because I just could see until the matrix see. Because beyond that there is life. The life is unpredictable. The life is moment. The moment is unpredictable, undesignable, uncontainable. The mind-consciousness matrix cannot be life. This is revealed until now, just look around. So I do not know how it will be end, but I know how it begins: honesty. Without rules and without secrets, without conditions and without layers, without separation and without judgement, absolute and total honesty. That is life.

Returning back for a moment:

My last hope was the internet – I never had ‘my own’ internet, I was ‘online’ as much I could, the most deranged things I wanted to see, to reveal every secret, because what the most stipulated thing was in my whole life, that I never stopped searching. In vain I found any mystic ‘path’, my search never withered really.

I simply knew there must be people like me, so much ‘cursed’ extremely decided kind ones, who also knows that this is a mind consciousness prison and we have to break trough, but really and there is no middle way. My ‘friends’, almost all who was in ‘getting freed’, ‘stopped’ from LSD, from searching, from questioning everything, from the giving up, they stopped to go over the borders all the time, experiencing the deep point, and overcome all the time etc, and as they stopped that: their need for search, need for breaking out to freedom weakened in the moment…They became satisfied with spiritualism, with family, with escaping into nature, and I realized I cannot count on them. In that perspective that they will realize, they will realize for me, they will realize me. No. They don’t. They wont realize who I am. I am not here for judging, no I am not doing this, just I am honestly writing what comes out, as mind consciousness system, what I have became, and what I stop. This is all about revealing,understanding and stopping my systems, and it’s theoretical and practical documentation. There is no turning back, if the whole desteni could disappear for tomorrow(now it wont for a while), even in that situation I could continue, because this is the basic principle: onness and equality. Onness and equality, which is the common sense, what is totally unravelable,explainable by the common sense: now here, infinite, honesty without condition, total freedom.

I do not remember which video I had found at the first time, but it was or the reptilian history of mankind by Jack or some of interview from the dead series beyond the grave was, Jim Morrison was what I said for heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy. Of course in that time I smoked very much and I just started to see the desteni videos and in my body the systems as one vibrated, shaked, saying as one that: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. The videos are profound, true, one by one are revealing the unquestionable pure truth, seemly similars, but somehow all are different.

There was a girl, who can ‘fly out’ from her body and from the afterlife somebody came into her body and spoke, as her body is operating as a portal. This portal-placement in her body is the basic placement of the onness and equality. It started like this, she came out from her body and found herself in other dimensions, and can see everything and everybody, can approach as one as equal as her, and all like this came into surface, about this whole world is an enslavement and control system, an ultimate prison, where all are slaves, and needs to be equalitze and unify…on the internet there is everything…

And after the girl comes back, and goes ou …after this girl herself also spoke on videos, and after there was the other girl, called Andrea, who spoke about demons, and I saw that this girl is that, what is she saying is not lie, and somehow I knew, as she spoke I experienced with her, and what about she spoke, I just knew. It was strange. Of course my mind said, oks haha she is your next girlfriend, but also at that time I didnt allow to focus things like that, because I realized all my thoughts are deception, those are breaking the onness and equality, separate me from that, and totally specific, and existing by me, I am that thought, and needs to unify…So…

I started to see the desteni videos, in the begining just were interesting, but after the Jim Morrison video somehow seemed to so authentic, i said this girl couldnt to act him like this, so I just saw it furthermore, and I found videos about Veno on matrix, what I didnt understood totally in that time, but was obviously like : the mind is our system, that is our ’enemy’ like in the movie!!!

Till after all I saw Gurdjieffs videos and I got mind-blowing realizations, just from that as he spoke, as he moved his head, his eyes; the text I almost didn’t get in the first four-five watch, it was so obvious that is not faqe, here is speaking Gurdjieff from the afterlife…I put here also that I did not know his works really, just I have a friend who in Thailand spoke about him, he’s interesting, and somehow ‘spiritual’. Well it hit me, it hit me that here something profound came into world.

I saw the videos in a row and after I started to see the History of Man series and the truth slapped my face. Some years ago I watched trough all David Icke, one after one, and I read all his books, Alex Jones, Credo Mutwa, I did many investigations about the reptilian connection, (nagas, dragons, serpents, lizards, snakes etc… I was always suspicious about on every pharmacy there is the snake, WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT THERE? For example…) and this reptilian thing somehow just came into picture in one moment. And after the self-forgiveness and absolute honesty and onness and equality, stopping the mind, just breath – these words spoken for themselves for me, and I realized these guys are not wandering, let’s see it from closer – and I registered to the forum and I asked, and after I got answers, and I got very specific answers for that, where I do not see myself, what from the Buddhism I never got, they just said that: some hundeds of thousands mantras, and prostrating and mandalas and after some more tantric mantric I could start to discipline the mind…The whole stuff started to be questionable, and I realized that was always like that for me…how the fuck is that I could see buddhas and beings, ‘deep’ hallucinacions I saw, but still in my everydays life I can not stand stabily – and I put myself off with empty promises that later I will have to be traveler beggar for finding my cave, but for my luck(or my self-will and personal anomalies) for me I did not have to sit for many years-decades, in weeks/months I could experience that what others never could…and this way they damned themselves for their entire life for desiring these mystical, separated minddeceptions, wanting to get to different heavens, dimensions, and wanting totally forget about their true self, about the helly situation of the earth, wars, children, and what is exactly going on here on earth. So that was the most strangest part, well, I could do very much spiritual eye-wash, what practically I never could use in the moment, just about – if I divide (from the perspective of the mind) my entire lifetime about in 0.01% I saw totally and truly what the shit is going on here, for counterpole the totally miserable, helpless enslavement in the ‘other’ moments. Tricky.

And I lived like this – I used this information, this knowledge(what I downloaded, sucked out, drawned in from by the short becoming one with the Unified Consciousness Field experiences) for hiding behind that, for bastioning myself around with that, what I used to used to ‘live’, for being one who does not need to do anything anymore and for believing – put something across others that I do not need to do anything anymore, just enjoying life and everything is cool. And also I broadcasted this, like that is the way hey… I used the White Light for hiding, totally, and truly noone saw that this whole is a big diverting as one shit, and not only what I am doing but the whole spiritual and enlightening stuff is just separation and illusion.

And after that I started to do self-forgiveness, rather I just wrote onto paper, like an animal, and shit, it used!!! As I am saying out, writing down, I simply just see it, and something is changing by my voice, as I am becoming one with that: I forgive myself…

There were very little, but very determining and very influencive moments in my life what I just couldn’t handle…for example:

Once I had a dog, Buksi, who I once hit with a stick,because he was just afraid and bitten me and it hurt me(it was not serious) and that was just not right… and as I stopped hitting him(it was some hit), already I frightfully rued, and I never could forgive it for myself, I never could overcome on this. Or another: when I was very drunk(after 2 bottles of wine) I started to kick seriously my ex-wife(at the university, she was at time ‘my girlfriend’), just because she told me that she once got an orgasm from a guy who just lied on herself and thed didn’t fuck, but he was ugly, bigdicked and very clever and rich –for that I totally lost my head and front of others I started to kick her like as a demon. Or once in Budapest in a shop I was very frustrated and I grasped Cs tit very much and it was very very bad, she felt pain for very long time from that.

There werent too much like that(theese were the most intense ones), but those almost always were inside me and I started with theese, getting even more specific, and I could forgive those for me, and I still have a very very little reaction in my mind for theese, as I am writing, but I am stopped participated in this, it is weakening, fading. So with these I ‘tested’ and it is working. Self-honesty. Self-forgiveness.

I started to see the mind. I started to see that until now I was running from facing, that’s why I got here, where I am, and certainly I have to understand my mind, for being able to stop it…it is not enough to mumbling and staring the wall…What a lug thing to think that we are all one big light and giving up ourselves to conform into big cog-wheels and we are doing like wouldn’t matter our lives, our previous decisions, faults, fears, but ‘speeding up’ we want to ‘leave’ those, for wanting to left those behind. Hahahahahaha. The COMMON SENSE started to work at the first time in my life…

My White Light experiencerush, total infusion and overlook started with the LSD and from that I saw the Light in all everywhere and in everyone, in myself and in the world as one, almost equally – always.

I became so dependant from that, because it concealed,’lived’ me, and provided with everything, just not wanting to face with my honesty, and I asked very big price for this: I wanted to see the system, to experience worlds, and mystical experiences, free subsistence, and insensible, loathsome, amazing joy I wished, immunity from liability, and invulnerability> what is owing to a Buddha, to start from we suppose that the system is true and working.

Theese so-so I got, so big delight, what the White Light gave to me, nothing system, nothing drug, nothing sex did not gave to me, and I was so dependent, slave, servant of it, as I just could. I gave up everybody and everything just for being one with the White Light, that was my motivation, my quest, my destiny, my plan, my whole life became for that, and suddenly from one day to another it disappeared. It was so shocking, that I needed years to start doubting, while I started to ‘fly down’, for this I needed those staggering ‘near death’ experiences, for being lost totally, for break down, for loosing everything. So when they spoke at desteni about the White Light, like enslavement system, what has been ‘shut down’,’closed’, something hit me what never anything else.

So amongs others this was the turn in my fortune, and all my doubt has gone when I continued to read and see the material I found the followings:

-The basic principle is the ONNESS AND EQUALITY: this is, was and will. Everything is one and equal. That has been abused by some beings who programmed a reality, which provided one enslavement system, inside all equally became slaves (even the creators, not realizing that there is no escape from the onness and equality).

-They spoke about the White Light, Mind consciousness system, soul construct, and heavens, the matrix, like a holographic reality, the illusion of the timespace, the projections of the mind, like control and enslavement system, which we accepted and allowed, to control, because we are not honest, and we are afraid and escaping from ourselves, and this separation and self-dishonesty manifested such of this extent…

-The Tree of life(a being in me), what got every single one human being who already realized this, like onness and equality and with me as one and equal as me waking up, and assisting me. And this girl, who’s body is the portal, allowed to speak this being(at the private forum people ‘get’ this video interview vlog), who is inside me about how I am, how is it(he-she) experiencing itself inside me, for assisting, for showing what I have became. Because the heavens and dimensions, endless worlds, universes has been stopped, now on earth all is unifying. And every single atom in this world is a being like this, who already realized that previously lost, and the self-honesty, self forgiveness is the process which with can come over the shit, and doing this, because they do not have mind-consciousness system, as we have, humans, yet who they are as beings, are influenced by the White Light, so still have a lot ‘to realize’. So somehow they are experiencing the onness and equality, every knowledge, information they see, but in practically that is useless, but from other side it has to manifest in physical manifestation(in body, or as ‘something’), so they are ‘fucked up’. So every ‘eye’ on the human beings, because the human phisical body now is the ’best’ vessel for the onness and equality, just have to realize it ’inside’, as itself, to stop the mind, for the being ‘who drives it’ can be expressed(who we are really). So the ‘Tree of Life’ is standing me as me as equal as me for assist and always ‘push’ me a bit, for facing with that what I became, what I have to understand, and stop. And this being, said that, what I have to be faced, like giving a starting point for this.

And that KICKED ASS. I have never been told so determiningly and exactly, for know how I am. It was simply impossible to deny this, it was so like me, I recognized so much like me, that almost hurt. Because this is the truth. Truth hurts. I always knew this, but ‘alone’ I never dared, never knew, what to do, so I ordered into layers, I hided from myself too, but I was so tricky, about one day all veil will fall and ‘it starts’. So by this video interview I could start, for being honest with me, I could start the self-forgiveness..

-The Hitler(his story of life, afterlife experiences being a demon, his self-forgiveness, the systems, his realizations etc) things put very much things into their place(still did not read trough all)

-The many interviews from different beings(deads)

-Structural resonance – what the human being became, the implant points in the body(as in the matrix), about where what like systems are working for separation,

-The design of man video series – what reveals the making slave from humans, what the ‘enslavers’ placed in us, who wanted control…

The DESIGN of The DELUSION-- I must go THERE
The DESIGN of ARROGANCE as Ego Personified
The DESIGN of The EXCUSE -- I am only HUMAN
The DESIGN of TRUST as Self Dishonesty
The DESIGN of REACTION as Polarity Enslavement
The DESIGN of ART in the Unified Field
The DESIGN of TIME LOOPS to face self truth
The DESIGN of SCIENTIFIC Influences in the Unified Field
The DESIGN of LUCK as Miracles
The DESIGN of RACISM to Separate Man
The DESIGN of INSPIRATION as Personality
The DESIGN of The HOLY TRINITY as Deception
The DESIGN of The HOLY TRINITY as Deception
The DESIGN of The MIND Consciousness System
The DESIGN of VACCINES to Enslave Man
The DESIGN of Nostradamus and Edgar Cayce- Predictions
The Design of Loneliness
The DESIGN of HYPNOSIS to keep Man Stupid
The DESIGN of The POPE in Unified Field
The DESIGN of Intent in Unified Field
The DESIGN of GEORGE BUSH in Unified Field
The DESIGN of DREAMING assisting YOU
The DESIGN of LIGHT WARRIORS in Unified Field
The DESIGN of DNA to control Humans
The DESIGN of ADOLF HITLER in Unified Field
The DESIGN of SCIENCE and why People are DUMB
The Design of Evolution as Unified Field
The Design of Thoughts--how they look like, how they work and how they are coded
The DESIGN of The CHRISTIANITY Unified Field
The Design of The AURA
The Design of CHAKRAS
The DESIGN of The PICTURE Reality you See
The DESIGN of The Unified Field as NOW
The DESIGN of The Marriage Unified Field to lock IN slaves
The DESIGN of The NEED Unified Field to separate
The DESIGN of The EDUCATION Unified Field
The DESIGN of The Equality And Oneness Unified Field
The DESIGN of DESIRE in the Unified Field as SEX
The DESIGN of RELIGION as Global Slavery
The DESIGN of The CONSCIOUS Mind- Human Enslavement
The DESIGN of The SUBCONSCIOUS Mind- Human Slavery
The DESIGN of The UNCONSCIOUS Mind- Global Slavery
The DESIGN of WHO am I as a Reptilian MIND
The DESIGN of POWER we give to World ELITE
The design of God as Fear
The DESIGN of Common Sense as Reptilian Logic
The Design of Fear of Loss
The Design of Fear of Parents
The Design of The Whiner
The Design Of Respect
The Design of Truth
The design of Happiness
The Design of Giving Up
The Design of Imagination
The Design of Bulimia
The Design of Greed
The Design of Ascension
The Design of Jealousy
The Design of Polarity
The Design of Anxiety
The Design of Cellulite
The Design of Prayer
The Design of Gambling
The Design of Choice
The Design of Love and why we Rebound at Break up
The Design of Verbal Diarrhea and Gossip
The Design of WifeBeater and Violence in the Family
The Design of Death and Fear of Death and what to do about it
The Design of Make-up and the Desire to look Beautiful
The Design of Alcohol and the creation of Alcoholics
The Design of Fear of the Future
The Design of Voices in the Head and how that traps a being in Beliefsystems
The Design of Love and how that traps humans in the Mind
The Design of Hope and how not to be trapped in hope
The Design of hope and how it traps

-System demon video series - symbolizing that what the humanity accepted and allowed in self – before the portal the demons were the only beings who relatively were free in the universe, but they also were dependant of energy, that is driving everything, this is what we have to stop..So the demons always knew that the gods and masters and religions are enormous big fuckups, and they came for making fun, and feeding up energy from fear and from pain, from the system, from ‘destroying’ the system but they were afraid from themselves still, and the portal started with ‘them’, for realizing onness and equality – before that everyone had feared the demons, everyone didn’t give a shit for them, but they are also beings like us üü and now the demons are helping in the system for realizing what we have became…(concretely: honesty demon, beliefsystem demon, starting point demon, beauty demon, anger demon, eye-demonmanagement system demon, fear from change demon, sacred geometry triangle demon, information demon, knowledge demon, crocodile tears demon, energy demon, embarrassment demon, possession demon, obsession demon, swearing demon, ascension demon, meditation demon, peace demon, health demon, nervousness demon, sex demon, wisdom demon, mother demon, masturbation demon, money demon, prophecy demon, time demon, child abuse demon, trust demon, father demon, fear from loss demon and fear demon)

-Solution videos -

The SOLUTION when Realizing that I am HERE
The SOLUTION when Realizing that FEAR SUCKS

The SOLUTION of Changing the Past as Guiltlessness



The SOLUTION as ONENESS as Realization

The SOLUTION as BREATH in Every Moment




The SOLUTION as ATTENTION as Breath of Life

The SOLUTION as EQUALITY in Practical Application



-At the desteni forum anybody can register, to log in, and start question - but better to read material, and see the videos and see FAQ, because many answers are can be founded...

-Into the private forum only those can log in who are really facing with themselves, wanting to be honest, ABSOLUTELY, even applying BRUTAL self-honesty. Facing with fears, to expose it at whatever price, to understand own personal mind-set, what we have became, what we hided behind etc

Here I got opportunity to start to see in, how desteni ‘works’, what kind of people are they, and revealing, speaking things, what noone could believe, in the chat i did speak with those beings who could noone belief, because here it is not about to convince about this is trure or not, but we are simply assisting each other for birthing self-honesty, life into the physical reality, as one and equal with all to stop this horrible mind, what we have became…

Many of us started to writing book about our lives to share, to demonstrate the process, the self-honesty personal – different, but yet the same – guide, the example of self-realization step by step. That’s why we opened blogs, vlogs, for demonstrate, for observe and share what we realized, like life birthing and this is inevitable, it is already happened, the choose had been made already by all, and now we are here to understand.

For more, deeply, in details: in my book, what I will start to write after translating some desteni articles books(firstly for myself, and of course for others too – I put up to internet) – I start to write it really…


The Choose:

  • I choose the mind, as deception as past as thoughts and feeling sand emotions,or
  • I choose LIFE, as BREATH, as moment, as self-honesty as onness and equality

It is simple like this.

And it is not just about ourselves, about our little mind-bubble, because all is one and equal, and that’s why everybody has influence and effect to the world, everybody is equally personally responsible about the current situation of the world, and here is too big the chaos, the confusion, IT HAS TO BE STOPPED. The CONTROL, THE SYSTEM, THE MATRIX is stopping, collapses, dissolves, disappears. Or you realize now here in life that what you have became, accepted and allowed to became, as the mind, s from this mind-consciousness system you grow out, and birthing life not only for yourself and for your surroundings, but for the whole world as one and equal with all ---

Or you play your little self-dishonest fake-personality until death, when as the body dies, when the mind stops, you realize that oh fuck, how I could be so blind and you do it then as one singular atom in still moving another person’s body.

Some momentums at the end

  • I do not write this for what should believe, it is not the question about belief, this is about self-honesty, about self-forgiveness. And we start this with ourselves. Because the man is a little universe. By like this the process goes, this is fact, with this you can fight, resist, but simply like this or like that all face with self: what have accepted and allowed to became. Because it is the end for this.
  • I do not write this for attract people…the secret, as the law of attraction is also mindgame. No. I speak about the total stopping of the mind, the total withdrawal of the human creation, about the absolute manifestation of the onness and equality. All desire, play, separation has to be transcended – I speak about this. Nothing master, no hierarchy, no exception, no compromise.

And at the end I quote some from the Structural Resonance, what can be fit here:

See, you have the total and complete dimensional existence where you go to when you die and then you have the 3D-dimensional existence where you remain here on earth, yet you are able to observe everything as though you're looking through a specified X-ray mechanism. Meaning that you don't only see the pictures as humans do through their physical human eyes as they view the world and the universe and other human beings etc., you see that which designs and formulates the picture's manifestation – that which exist ‘behind' the picture, ‘within' the picture and ‘as' the picture.

All human beings on earth are mere structural resonances within this consciousness system as defined and designed by you during your first earth life. Nothing more nothing less – just that. As I would phrase the scenario: Humanity is in for a rude awakening! Because that which you have trusted, that which you have placed your hope and faith within is the very structural essence that has enslaved and controlled you for eons of time: Consciousness. What easier way to fool humanity but to present the ‘Devil' as ‘God' and visa versa – diverting humanities very trust, faith and hope into that very essence which is causing the chaos and destruction in this world: Ever considered that? By the looks of it: No, you haven't!

for more:

Structural Resonance introduction

Structural Resonance_Head points

Structural resonance and other articles