Sunday, February 28, 2010

Weight-flow 3 day course

At this weekend I was doing 3 day weight-flow course.

This thing is found by Gabor Goda who is leading an contemporary art-dance-studio.
I could find definitions of weight-flow, but I try to describe it with my words.

It is like to explore body-experience, expressions - working only with the body and allowing the body to move itself without conception, improvisation, and many times using the body and the physical, as weight, and interacting with the floor and the other humans with body-weight, and using surfaces to meet and push, touch, hold and let the bodies interact without inner reactions.
Fascinating practises we did - learning to relax the body, learning to move hands, feet, center point, head point discretely, together and let the body lead by these points, or interact with other - to hold the other, to climb it without using aggression, and without grabbing and simply flowing and letting the bodies to interact and be presence.
I can not describe it really, it is always about the meeting, the contact and then the release.
It is also referred as contact-dance - letting bodies dance with contacting other bodies without concept and relaxing and expressing harmonics and giving stability for ourselves and not expecting anything from other but being responsible for our stability but when the other gives his/her weight, then accept it fully and give back weight to balance it on a way when the two together can move as one as equal - something like that.
Or for instance a practice was like that: one is moving slowly with body and arms and the other's task is to get into the other's space, finding empty spaces to fill out with body, with hands, head, anything -- without touching the other.
Fascinating and intense three days were - some places also have pain - for instance we learnt to fall down naturally by moving like a spiral down to the ground without falling big - and then I hit my knees hard sometimes - these points were where I was not relaxed so then pain occured.

It was fascinating to see how different people's body interact and I was practicing about with 13 other people, girls, boys, men, women, old, young, everything like.
Some people I preferred - in the beginning I noticed this predator-like act on myself within the group but then I allowed myself to move without definition.
Also the people who I wanted to play with in the beginning - was based on my sight - the red girl who looked like an actress - was quite attractive - but later on it did not matter - in fact there were not any people who I did not liked to play with - I found values in each - aspects of me.
Many points came up in these days and also changed some expression within me already and later on I will continue to write about this.
The leader, Gabor always mentioned the 'quality of the contact' - about not to judge and face difficult physical experiences and see how the two will solve it - not to jump out of it, not to handle it with force - but naturally, as to be pleasant for both and the release is to be preferred as something what would be repeated without any problem. When we had to release the touch - that release should be a decision from both and a direct, self-willed act what is obvious and without any 'more' story.

At the end it was a discussion about this, how people felt, and realized from the perspective of selves and I said that (not exactly, but as I remember) "I am finding practical solutions to explore equality with the principle of oneness within the physical and this dance looks like very assisting to facing points directly within and as the body - and also I was able to see more directly how I am related to unpleasant poses and the geometry of the physical body related to the mind when I am go after my head - instead of being the whole body as a whole as the experience of oneness and equality within myself, within my world, with my partner and in all parts of life."



I am processing to study SRA documents - I am in lesson two(lesson one and then three was the order and now the second one) - Still I have to clarify clear muscle communication what I did not practice in this week much.
Obviously when I overestimated my ability to deliver jobs what I accepted - was a bit too much but I counted on this one - I wanted to be sure that I will do as much as I can - pushing myself off the limits and see how and why I 'sweat' and what will be the weakest chain-piece.
As we did the session at the beginning with three points - the first one opened in practical facing - I recently having sexual expression with a girl what is very fascinating - we are still forming a some kind of stability between each other what is not absolutely stable and trustable at this moment but we will see and I face myself and her and will see how far it would go - but I push myself and open myself up and write.
Obviously at these times the desire-sexual-energetic desire was the most intense - so I did not avoid this - and it is fascinating to see what come up.
While we are having sexual expression - some points came up what I want to write.
-trust issue - can I trust her? obviously can I trust myself? this is also linked with fear
-stability - also of fear - if I am not in fear - I am expressing and exploring and directing - so then I can remain stable.
-breathing - sometimes as she fasten her breath when something intense 'thingy' occurs - then I have tendency to speed up my breath as well and then I immediately go into a some sort of excitement - an energetic charging movement what builds - and it looks great but in the end it simply directs me - instead of breathing with presence and remaining stable here - and then she can enjoy herself with me longer as well and I am also more opened.

I am having sex with her only - but as I walk around in the city - fascinating to see how women 'smell' the sexual activity around me and they tend to being attracted to something around or to me. It seems to be fun but to avoid misunderstandings and temptational gates - better to be directive and stable - and when I make decisions - to be inner silent.
Also it occurs that I am in the middle of intense communication between beings and so to speak 'I fly away' and then someone asks a 'choice' from me what is not really a choice but something like a point to interact - and to be sure that I direct and common sense and oneness and equality is the basic principle - better to breath in and out and then embracing the situation and then move accordingly.

So in this week I am almost full of appointments also after work but I will find timeframes when I can go on with SRA documents and also log down some muscle communications.
Better to be absolutely self honest and write down every part of happenings while I am also establishing.
Self directive principle
I am directing myself to find timeframes to practice SRA documents and establishing muscle communication. For instance on monday night I will be alone and regardless of the work what I will do at night - one-two hours I will go to spend with SRA.

Also I could say that I could skip the meetings with my partner to 'get more time' but I decided to face her and myself fully and see what will come out from this. Way too long I was suppressing sexual-based dishonesties, and it growed inside and it looks like sometimes as an entity within myself what I can direct to a certain point and then it simply gives enormous pain within my body when a specific event occurs.
Later on I will write about it, it happened with Gy also when we were at ozora fest and I will write that too down again to see and direct myself and open and apply some self-forgiveness to prepare myself to change. In fact I am not fully aware of this but it looks like as sexual desire for energetic discharge what does not happen and then I am having pain down there almost everywhere but specifically in my ass and the tip of my penis and I have no idea what is this but as it comes very rarely and then it is too intense to write meanwhile - breathing trough is the only way.
Also I noticed that I have a defense mechanism what is referring to this kind of situations - when huge pain or unpleasant experiences I have - I am going to sleep and I expect to not have the experience when I wake up.
Mostly this is the case but sometimes it simply makes it 'sleep' and then it comes back.
Ok I will discuss this with my partner maybe she has a point what can be assisting.
Anyways I can have a sexual desire and maybe that makes this 'system' go far like this within me and simply pointing out oneness and equality.
Maybe while sex I am still compounding and working with energy what requires to be discharged and when it does not happen then my body handles it like that?

The physical experience is like that I am getting to be cold almost no matter the temperature and the clothes and then this pain goes on my ass(hole?) and the tip of my penis and it goes around down there and it is not really a physical-natured pain but somehow it is on that - and also I can have a feeling that I need to pee or poo but not really - and when I try to do so - then also something can come out and for that time as it comes - that pain is smaller but then it comes back...fascinating
Ok it was like this in the last half year about 3-4 times but when it comes - it got me for almost a hour.

I had a time when I was watching sexual content videos - for the beginning to see how people interact in groups in that kind of situations but then it was a habbit - and mostly I was not even masturbating but energetically I was giving inner reactions to that and some kind of compound happened. And later on when it was going for a long while - the body reacted with that kind of pain.

obviously I had to stop to watch those kind of videos but then I was experimenting about how and why still I watch these - and because I was not doing these in the physical.
In fact I also not wanted to do so - because then I could find that out - and why I was attracted to want to do with more than one partner? Probably because of the obvious things what people could think of this - more people - more joy? more people - less 'romantic' stuff, more direct things etc.
Also to please a woman requires a presence and maybe if more man is giving sexual pleasure for one woman then the men does not have to give full of everything of their presence so then they would remain within their mind and from there they could catch out for self-interest based for their sexual desire? No idea - but in fact with my actual partner - it is great to be in presence and give everything and remain myself and explore this.
So it was like that - a bit like Renton in the movie of trainspotting - when he stopped the drugs - he realized - he wants girl - it was like this for me also - when I stopped drugs - I was facing with coming out the big suppressed sexual desire - so intense, so great that I even did not know that it is so primal - because I was having the habit to put the desire into myself and then playing that everything is ok - but in fact it compounded -and I wanted to balance this out simply and fast - so I was like ok - I want to have sex with many people in the smallest time and space frame - so then the idea of seeking group sex arised - also I had some fun when two girls and two boy were kissing in a river while bathing naked and I was a bit surprised when I had to kiss with two girls at the same time but then this desire came up very fast from deep within and I decided to 'release' and see it and see common sense and the primary points about how and why I became this - because I was aware that this is a state of myself and later on I will release and step forward - so this is like that.
Obviously stopping sexual participation would help to equalize this but at this point, after the last 21 day no masturbation about one month ago - when this girl who I am having this kind of partnership came - I realized that this is an opportunity to step forward from that point without suppressing desire and energetic charge.
Since that I was not masturbated, about twice I was playing a bit with myself for a short time but that was not really a full masturbation, rather a bit expression and exploration.

While I was writing this - a bit pressure arised down there but it is not pain - but obviously not the most pleasant - so I breath and release. I breath and realize - energies are not real but as I compounded - the physical is resonating - so better to release by writing, sharing, self forgiveness and stopping and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my desire by not realizing that the desire what I gave energy to - is also me - so as I suppressed this energy - I was supporting self-separation and I was supporting self-suppressing so I was not able to be fully here as physical expression but more likely I was using my human physical body to swallow these energetic experiences until the degree when it reacted with pain - so it is common sense to stop desire and act immediately with self-responsibility and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I allow myself to desire after my sight - instead of realizing that the women what I can desire after - are of definitions of my mind.
I forgive myself that I not allowed myself to desire that what I desire after - I am already expressing the separation from it and by participation of desire - I am sealing down the self-made self-dishonest choice about I am the responsible of the separation and by desire I can not be while.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to get rid of compound energetic systems within me by extremely intense acts and by that maybe I am not in the directive principle - rather that I can slowly but surely direct and act and stop.

I forgive myself that I was afraid of realizing that my personality is like a predacious animal - like a lion - and by declining this when others say to me and when finally I realize this - I am defining myself as this - instead of releasing any definition of me and be momentary expression as inner silence.

What this personality could mean for me?
That I like to pick up something and then go after it until I get it and then enjoy it extensively. But when I do not want anything then even when the things what I usually would want are around me - I am not interested at all and I am simply resting and watching and when something I want - then I go for it immediately and that's it.
Also it is like a child playing - my partner defined that child-lion-like I can be when I am not thinking.
But I can see further that within my thinking systems - I can be also like that but more like a robot hehe.
These manifestations I am not fully sure, but at this point is better to write down because I want to investigate this further. About it is true or I want to be true or I do not want to be like this or it is just some verbal diarrhoea.
In fact I do not want to be defined at all by myself - but when others would do - then my inner reactions would tell - who I am within the situations.

Of course when I was a kid, it was fascinating to see, that my star sign is leo and I am a leon and the animal king shitty - but in fact I do not know.
There are people around me who give much worth to this fact about if somebody is a lion or fishes or scorpion - but I resisted this for long - that's why I investigate it's root.

The SRA course will be extremely supporting regarding issues like that but I am still not stable within muscle communication - and very soon I will practice it intensely when I will be at farm(probably). So until that - more open, study the SRA material and establish muscle communication and explore sexual expression.

Next post will be about a course what I did in the last three days - fascinating experience.

Monday, February 22, 2010

agree stop desire

Ok at this moment I realized I am not able to face with a woman who I can start an agreement immediately - however I am capable of pushing myself.
As I have this girl-contact who with we started to open up - I am supporting her and will see - I stand and I am not trusting within her absolutely as we are not together as the words would mean - but at this moment this also means that this is not a relationship - I am not accepting myself as desire after her and at this moment I am using this to bring up issues regarding to facing each other - many points already moved within me also in sexual expression - but what was the strangest that my music-mate noticed my expression changed and he said I look better as I am having meetings with a girl.
Fascinating - desire thingy sometimes disappears absolutely - as I am sure that we inevitabely will meet and then we wont hesitate if we want to express ourselves sexually - but what I see that when I am of mind - everything is so different - for instance at a bank's dinner place we eat each day and mostly I know the people there by visual - and there are some girls who I was fascinated by - by vision and looks - and sometimes this brings up desire - and I catch myself that I am this 'man' person who is seeking for direct contact for women - and sometimes I wheel up - and sometimes it just as comes - goes.
Breathing is the support and the solution by pushing myself and being self-honest about directing myself about to realize also - delusion makes me unreal and manifests timeloops.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desire to not be able to face with myself as separated manifested desire after what I judged as separated from me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to release desire as realizing that it comes from thoughts, feelings, emotions - and to stop - means to be able to understand how it formed and why - and then finding practical solution and pushing myself and explore inner silence as the living STOP.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

SRA - establishing muscle communication = points came up shared

Ok, I was having several excercises regarding to SRA course, establishing muscle communication, still with clarifying stable, direct lock/unlock experiences with the muscle bracchiodialis.

So mostly I experience this:
in the beginning I am quite relaxed, as I simply start in the middle by saying - this is a lock, this is an unlock - and it looks like it's clear.
Then I am still practicing to explore the more subtle movements within my body regarding to lock/unlock.
After some tries - as Andrew mentioned, a constant lock could occur - but not really 'consciously' - more likely it becomes hard and the whole forearm becomes like streched deep insde the muscles. Even I can relate to that expression to describe the experience I am having - burning slowly but not sure by hot burning, more likely with a chilled one.

Obviously many points came upon as I opened myself regarding to that and first I will describe what came up and then I will write self-forgiveness about those and then some self-directive statements to prepare the practical change.

Ok, I have a slight movement inside regarding this topic so here will be a prologue what I allow to express here.

In the last years within many situations I had no problem to trust within my body at all - many cases I was able to manage to 'give myself to' my body and simply be one with that and remain silent - mostly these were intense when I had some accidents - these situations always made me react immediately and saved my life several times literally.
Altough it looks like this requires a statement and s standing - alongside with continous pushing into and as the physical - breath, expression, direct 'contact' with things.
But the fact is that I have this ingrained habit to lean into the 'mind-area' and 'there' to 'express'(inpress) because of my past.

I am getting this sleepiness right now, as I close my eyes I am beginning to fall asleep even with loud music lolol - so it could mean a divertion from facing self HERE.

So I keep pushing myself until it's done and then I will go to sleep and that's it.

So I see this intense 'lock-in' even to an extent when the body would experience a slight strain. For instance I can relate to direct physical pain - especially with those what I can not avoid physically - body pains or lately at dentist - I can not run away - or if I do so - then it will run with me - so better to face.
Expectations I can relate - energetic pre-programming to distract and influence perception.
Strong 'mule-will' also can lock me in when I want something so badly, then I would literally possess my body as a mind to try to get what I want -- not seriously but within physiscal expression - I can see that. It's like I would be a software within my head what is capable of controlling the body - adn then I am not able to hide from myself - so then I give the order to the body that 'DO IT ANYWAY' - and the body would react badly, like with these muscles for instance. Resistance, suppressed anger, fear and doubt - these are what must be distracted released removed to be sure that nothing will interfere.
I see that almost all supressions are energetically 'holding' my body and manifesting into 'unpleasant' physical expression what also produces less natural physical expression so that would go in circles if I would not stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt within myself because participating in memories and self-definitions according to polarity-based judgements related to already happened situations where I did not get what I expected for instance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to think over situations and then considering my thoughts as possibilites or facts instead of realizing that those of my past so if I participate within past - I am being influenced of my past - so I am not fully here - but I am still stuck somewhere what I did not transcend and that point is manifesting physically within or around me one and equal until I do not realize and stop.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that suppressing myself into my mind would tend to abuse my human physical body because I am separating myself from my body by perception - therefore I am not aware of my human physical body - so I am not able to be aware of the consequences of my dishonest behavior related to participation within thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize - effective breathing can release body-stress.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to rush into excitement when I experience something what I am not directing yet I am judging it as great according to self-definition.

I stop to participate within doubt according to my physical expression in all time frames.
I stop becoming excited by simply breathing and remain physical as the body as presence.
I stop wanting results instead of opening myself up and releasing constructs naturally directly by applying self honesty and self forgiveness.
I continue to develop stabilization regarding to indicator/change and will explore the another muscle in the arm to get a broader experience.
Also I start to test muscle responses regarding to statements like color of something or trivial stuffs with common sense and see how things work.
Also I will write more regarding to experiences and share some in the SRA forum.
And write about desire and releasing separation of desire of attention divertion from myself and see why and how I escape from exposing self definition.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


well, two hours ago I was at a modern jazz concert, I was having my regular cafe at Billy caffe, and there were lot of people and the jazz concert was starting, these guys looked so professional and when they began, they were flowing quite intensely some kind of waving instrumental flow and it was kind of interesting and after that it became obvious that they are musicians who were educated but they were having fun.
sometimes they made this animal-like rage being expressed rawly but remaining within the musical structure but for moments they even managed to push that a bit more too...
I was standing there and I found an interesting point - that enjoying myself as presence is like I am this full man without concept and flowing but remaining within the stable structure of me...

with my new partner I am exploring this stable standing within ourselves and it is a some kind of statement - like I am standing up - standing out - standing here, no matter what and I am no waving within this standing regarding to the statement - and that's it - no separation, no doubt, no past, no future, I am here, I stand...
very very very assisting to face myself within this - and when waving occurs - to be able to immediately realize the inner reaction and the starting point of disability to stand unchangeable - it's like I state out - I am facing everything here as me and issues come - and I am embracing.

And there are points where I used to go within myself and it is cool to see - unnecessary, unnatural, undeniable dishonest - so breathing and keep pushing myself.

It's literally like giving birth but not for a child, but for myself as life.
So first point can be embraced - what is the sex-desire-fear triangle construct.

desire after sex = fear

so it is assisting to dissolve this construct when I am not within desire - after sex lol - I can see the fear when this system of me within mind consciousness would tend to re-connect.

F.E.A.R from
- I accept myself as unfulfilled
- I tend to escape into other instead of sorting out and expressing my issues
- I am running away from my shadow what is just a reflection of my starting point
- I escape from being intimated with myself and also with others because that woudld mean direct facing
- I have tendency to slip away from responsibility when influencing beings is unavoidable and by that I am exposing that I am not sure of myself absolutely
- etc

so this thingies can be realized within one moment when I am in the situation of opening myself - and mostly these are of past but when I am not absolutely directing myself within a strict structure of for instance 4 count breath - they would come up and influencing my presence and then by accepting that without immediate self-correcting application - I am reinforcing my definition of myself with the starting point of accepting myself as dishonest

ok I have to push myself into stabilization of muscle communication

from now on at least 10 days each - each day I will practice at least 20 minutes and writing the experiences and sharing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt within my statement that I would not be able to stand as the self-directive of managing myself to practice SRA each day at least 20 minutes without being distracted and then writing and sharing the experiences.
PUSH self tala as moment as breath as birth
I am birthing myself as moment and I am sorting out my dishonesties because I do not accept myself as this thinker anymore.
I direct I type I write I express I breath I am here

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

sexual exploration from abstract to practical


a wake
a make awake

I was having a great rush and then the pacifying feeling was an almost falling.
Mostly I perceived myself as some kind of fade presence with one dimensional thingspopping emulator validator projection post-simulation loopmachine.

Looping up those what had no meaning at all made me certain about I am not full.
Who can judge me except my own pollice structure within my head - lost all carpets in a second when continous energy release I experienced within this physical expansion along and within my human physical body.

This can be referred as an orgasm but it was like not usual release of the compound heap of suppressed energetic inner re-reflections - but within the concept it was no concept at all - loosing all hope was freedom.
Within and as after all escape I found myself within the situation that I am pinpointed here within the fact that I am with her undoubtably together without any need for to get her - not to get her anymore because her is here as me.

Walking by the thoughts some for sake went trough within this interdimensional virtual 3d-head-space and conclusions as con sequences were seeds of manifestations and for a loooooo-oooo--ooooong moment - I had nothing to release as I was nothing of compound but the very integration of the system as self facialization by an intense presence as the physical.

Fear arised about protection and loosing the control after replaying this I HAD TO (but why anyway?) conclude that I was not well disciplined as I walked into a restricted are within my expression by allowing to trust in her?
This point came up and up again as I gained the dobubt until the point that I have nothing to do with this and I forgive myself as I allow myself to fear and then I cover my fear by doubt, projection to others instead of act immediately within self trust.
I was not able to shortcut this until the point when I brought up this point to her about 'I am not ready for having a baby' - so she said 'don't be afraid'.
No chance but stand and embrace.
This point was probably a main big issue within my previous relationships regarding to sexual expression.
Even I had this 'pulling back' because I was not able to absolutely stand within the self-directive principle that I am not going anywhere and also I am not cuming here.
But as time passed by as perception released as breath by breath we moved - this looked very unreal so I did let go and pure enjoy as self movement without any CON - as con-cern, as con-cert of inner reactions - self exploration I experienced but for times only for moments and thoughts came upon, mostly past based trust issues by participation of memory - me morey - but as I put me more into past - the less I am here.
So this memory is of bullshit - but it is still influencing me - more precisely: I am influencing myself by my past as I did not release absolutely the idea of me - some kind of crystalization what resonated into and as myself and still I 'carry'.

Also a big hunger came upon as I also tried to 'flip up' the current system of suppressed sexual over-control - I experienced a subtle desire for exploration: required - required - required - blinked within my body and I was like - ok so masturbation would be cool? but as I did - was way funny to realize - not this is not that but can be - so then I was like - see next case with her...

And also sexual expression - since may I did not do this kind of stuff - but as some days ago we did - I realized that I have to 'develop back' my ability to not rush into arousal-based fast-orgasm-selfish-ness with her...
Because also years ago I realized - it looks like with an other without direct self-movement - after the so called 'orgasm' - my arousement and all of this kind of fascinations - are gone and I am even uncapable of being hard again because of this ingrained behaviour - that I got what I want so that's it - but here is the other me as woman who is experiencing me as well as I am.
Facing is inevitable and self movement is also very suggested - so literally I had no chance - only move myself and enjoy ourselves.
But within the concern of 'not having orgasm too soon because I will loose my interest of her before she would also enjoy orgasm' - I am already slave of polarity manifestation and not I am the directing principle.
I want to explore this more as writing stabilizes realizations and self forgiveness is assisting me to explore self honesty.

I forgive myself that I fear of expressing fully myself as presence within sexual expression because then I would fear of having an orgasm too early becase of compounding energy will take control of me and simply would charge out.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myelf to realize that I stopped sexual expression with an other because of fearing of I am not able to separate myself from other's mind anymore and exposing my desire to be with and as my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was fearing of having a baby when I have sexual intercourse with a girl.
I forgive mysel that I have allowed myself to fear for being a father becaue then I would not be able to live like this anymore - and by being the father role would consume me who I am at this moment and I want to avoid that.
I forgive myself that for moments I was not able to direct myself within sexual expression as breath because I was in participation of my memory instead of facing physical issues with her as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to develop a system within myself to use pictures within my mind to decrease my arousedness in order to try to contain the compound sexual energy - instead of realizing that direct self presence as expression within and as breathing here - would not create/feed/empower separated mind-entity-manifestations within my head - so the solution would be to see how and why I created those patterns-antipatterns and by applying self forgiveness releasing and exploring myself behind these suppressions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use a picture of a dead cat in the hot highway concrete to reduce my sexual arousedness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge woman physical body by past-based definitions of shapes-ratios and by previous close-physical encounters with other women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to have sex with women in order to have the feeling of unification instead of realizing that the very manifestation of desire by thoughts, feelings, emotions are the cause and the effect of the desire.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself directly here absolutely because of fear that I would get hurt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use schemas and patterns in order to give a mask for woman who I am with in bed that I am like something what I would preferred to being perceived by -- past based fears and desires and suppressions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within self direction and with the breathing as inner silence by simply as who I am and always using something of consciousness to being silenced by conditions and not realizing that I am of slave of my own escape from myself as the physical manifestation of self-dishonesty - until I stop unconditionally stabily and then it is done and I am here.

So next time I am able to stand directly here and physically push myself as expression and exploration and not allowing myself to use thoughts feelings and emotions to control myself - but being here and apply myself as presence.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

SRA + thingies

I started SRA, not much I practiced, however the concept is clear. Still clarifying muscle communication. With Andrea the first session was to name 3 issues what came up within me.
The three were, the first is the most: desire(sex), fear(money), fear(health).

So the points were clarified, much thing happened since I wrote.
I was like I had the urge to write but I was also busy and I was like "Ok, I write when I write" so then today I write - I want to write and I do so.
Why today? Well, recently many points I've faced so some perspectives I write to see, realize, share.
So start from practical stuff - I was busy with my tiny home studio - not a secret anymore, it has some serious power so very soon the music project can start. Still much has to learn, however somewhere - HERE - I simply start and will explore and expand.
I've managed to afford to join the SRA course and bought the ticket to SA. It will be payed holiday, so by this it won't be long but when I return, I wont start from scratches, what never happened before.
I was also considering to prepare myself to leave my jobs, basically because I have no time for practice music and filming and those are more important than collecting money for other things to buy - and also the fact is that in this country I get about 1200 euros in a month and there are places where I could get much more money for a month with the same work - anyways - I will see.

So the desire-sex thing - I did a 21 days no masturbation discipline, it was quite an intense, but was not really hard - decision and standing - Still I am experiencing picture-based arousal but after the 21 days it was much less influencing.
After a week, a girl visited me - once we spoke and we spoke again for long hours and then yesterday I've pushed myself trough resistance regarding to enjoy sex with her and we had some hours intense moments - well it was not an agreement thingy but in fact I am here and I am exploring what is here...
Fascinating thing was that this was not of the arousal energy direction what I experienced before - it was more likely I was pushing myself and then I was in some kind of discipline and we enjoyed much without a word - however some thoughts popped up, later on I will explain those as well - And it was fascinating experience that my arousal when I lost my direct presence expression from here into my head by following several thoughts - my arousal was gone - even some times almost immediately. I had to build myself up almost literally to be able to stand and direct sexual expression with and as her - and we enjoyed it for some hours - this is a direct self facing experience. Ok, when I had the orgasm, I had no huge pain, but it was really intense and I felt like I was exploding continuously.
After these events at night - I experience myself less painful within my hands - so much suppressed anger and strain I expressed by self movement continuously - enormous effect I experience within experiencing here.
This sexual thingy I experienced last time about may of the last year - but with that girl it was more likely an urge - she was urging me to have an orgasm and she was not able to be self directive at all... So at last night, at the first time I could 'experiment' with this self presence without expectation and fear and blabla.
Ok, I had a concern about what would happen if we make a baby, but at this point she said it would not be an issue - but a bit I am still concerned lol so we will discuss this point later. I dont say I can not trust in her - more likely I say so: I trust within me.
I do not know that there will be an event like this, but maybe - will see.
I am not desiring after it all and also I wanted to stop masturbating and it's really not a big deal as I handled it before - because from a point I was handling my opinions and fears instead of dealing with real physical issues.

Some realizations I had also about breathing and about suppressing breath and what is conditional apparent-self-expression and what can be direct self presence expression.
I am curious to make a video about that later on.
In fact I made a text video about quoting from Gurdjieff, I made some background video animations based on my recordings with tons of effects - but I am not in hurry to share until I do not manage to make a great, impacting intense electronic music for that one specifically. With my new TC mastering plugins, here all sound quality is multiplied. I am very fascinated about this, so I will rewatch steinberg studio mastering series to get deeper in this.

My jobs: my first(all day going) job at the office is getting more intense, and we are quite busy all day but when I come home, I am doing the second job what is not a nice one(nasty existing code to work with, slow system) but I decided to make it ASAP(I signed deadline 15 of march) and it requires real hard work, but I am sure that when I will finish this - it will worth it - self expression and self direction issues. This will raise my CV much more - so for CV-side along with the current work at disney - I am sure that this will be enough anywhere at the planet to get a pricey job - if I would want that...and about I am not sure - I want to push myself with music exploration and production alongside with filming.
In fact filming is a great issue as I am getting to a point where I should get into a specialization - writing/being cameraman/directing/editing/effecting/sound engineering -- will see...

Also there is this point that sometimes I can catch myself on that I am being attracted to the girl who is giving my second job, even I experience that she is waiting for me to step on but I did not do anything like that.
Some people said to me recently, mostly girls that I should step on to show what I want from girls instead of playing to be a good booooy - lol.

Ok I am not after to be this tasting different women but first to not suppress and divert from my sexual desires and by this - realizing and self forgiveness can assist me to clear my head and be able to direct within and as the moment.

Also by accident I saw Gy(the girl who I was with at rainbow, and ozorafest and we spent some intense times(without going into deep what I expected and that's why I stopped to meet her because I felt that she is not showing herself up and also rejected me when I asked to form an agreement and also have sex and support each other unconditionally - so since then we did not meet - about 4 months)...
I had some thoughts about her and mostly I said self forgiveness to release the points and explore what is this desire after her and mostly it's core was desire to have sex and also desiring for support and be supportive.
So I saw her as she was working on street - underground at metro she was doing her greenpeace money collecting job as usually and I saw her body from background and she had tons of clothes as here is about minus five at day - and I had a thought about "ok, maybe she is she, so let's sneak away" and I was like loool, let's face her.
So I approached her and she was very happy hugged me for long and told me that she is very very happy and actually busy with saving me and the planet and I was very direct about saying that she is not saving me at all - and she told me quite much in five minutes and I was a bit holding back and I had this urge to kiss her so I transformed it to hug her a bit back - and then she said she would meet me and making this 'friendship' thingy and I was not sure what to say about that so I did not say anything - or a bit 'maybe' - after that at work I was flying away two times while my boss was telling about the job and issues at work and I was like about her and I had to direct myself to let her go in my head - so basically I am still influenced with her - so what would be supportive? To meet her and face and stand or to avoid her? As I am me - I chose first one and rather fall again instead of avoiding exposuring myself.
I sent to her about Carlin's perspective of saving the planet - I like to watch that one as it is really great --

Self forgiveness points as they come up here:
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to program myself trough pictures.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define pictures as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind pictures.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to hide from myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire after sex instead of act and direct myself when I want without an urge - a compound energetic control inside of me.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to suppress my expressions and wanting to contain them and secluding within myself and not realizing that here is everything of me all ways so it is common sense to start realize and bring everything of me here and directly stop and express inner silence troughout breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yawn to shut down and not being able to hear what point I was not hearing within myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from having sex with woman because then I could be exposed that in last months I was masturbating only and then I would have some discipline issues - instead of facing this point and moving trough it and changing physically by expressing and sharing my concerns by stating oout - this was me, yes, but I already realized that this is of deception because of based on thoughts, feelings, emotions - and then practically finding solutions to change.
I forgive myself that I have defined myself by my self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to being directed by women by the secret hope of desire to have something what I can not have by trusting me and act immediately, but trying to manipulate and hope in order to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after Gy - to desire to have sex with her instead of realizing that I am desiring to fullfil to react to my own desire as definitions about what would be good instead of being here and directly experience self direction regardless to others especially girls and very specifically Gy.