I am processing to study SRA documents - I am in lesson two(lesson one and then three was the order and now the second one) - Still I have to clarify clear muscle communication what I did not practice in this week much.
Obviously when I overestimated my ability to deliver jobs what I accepted - was a bit too much but I counted on this one - I wanted to be sure that I will do as much as I can - pushing myself off the limits and see how and why I 'sweat' and what will be the weakest chain-piece.
As we did the session at the beginning with three points - the first one opened in practical facing - I recently having sexual expression with a girl what is very fascinating - we are still forming a some kind of stability between each other what is not absolutely stable and trustable at this moment but we will see and I face myself and her and will see how far it would go - but I push myself and open myself up and write.
Obviously at these times the desire-sexual-energetic desire was the most intense - so I did not avoid this - and it is fascinating to see what come up.
While we are having sexual expression - some points came up what I want to write.
-trust issue - can I trust her? obviously can I trust myself? this is also linked with fear
-stability - also of fear - if I am not in fear - I am expressing and exploring and directing - so then I can remain stable.
-breathing - sometimes as she fasten her breath when something intense 'thingy' occurs - then I have tendency to speed up my breath as well and then I immediately go into a some sort of excitement - an energetic charging movement what builds - and it looks great but in the end it simply directs me - instead of breathing with presence and remaining stable here - and then she can enjoy herself with me longer as well and I am also more opened.
I am having sex with her only - but as I walk around in the city - fascinating to see how women 'smell' the sexual activity around me and they tend to being attracted to something around or to me. It seems to be fun but to avoid misunderstandings and temptational gates - better to be directive and stable - and when I make decisions - to be inner silent.
Also it occurs that I am in the middle of intense communication between beings and so to speak 'I fly away' and then someone asks a 'choice' from me what is not really a choice but something like a point to interact - and to be sure that I direct and common sense and oneness and equality is the basic principle - better to breath in and out and then embracing the situation and then move accordingly.
So in this week I am almost full of appointments also after work but I will find timeframes when I can go on with SRA documents and also log down some muscle communications.
Better to be absolutely self honest and write down every part of happenings while I am also establishing.
Self directive principle
I am directing myself to find timeframes to practice SRA documents and establishing muscle communication. For instance on monday night I will be alone and regardless of the work what I will do at night - one-two hours I will go to spend with SRA.
Also I could say that I could skip the meetings with my partner to 'get more time' but I decided to face her and myself fully and see what will come out from this. Way too long I was suppressing sexual-based dishonesties, and it growed inside and it looks like sometimes as an entity within myself what I can direct to a certain point and then it simply gives enormous pain within my body when a specific event occurs.
Later on I will write about it, it happened with Gy also when we were at ozora fest and I will write that too down again to see and direct myself and open and apply some self-forgiveness to prepare myself to change. In fact I am not fully aware of this but it looks like as sexual desire for energetic discharge what does not happen and then I am having pain down there almost everywhere but specifically in my ass and the tip of my penis and I have no idea what is this but as it comes very rarely and then it is too intense to write meanwhile - breathing trough is the only way.
Also I noticed that I have a defense mechanism what is referring to this kind of situations - when huge pain or unpleasant experiences I have - I am going to sleep and I expect to not have the experience when I wake up.
Mostly this is the case but sometimes it simply makes it 'sleep' and then it comes back.
Ok I will discuss this with my partner maybe she has a point what can be assisting.
Anyways I can have a sexual desire and maybe that makes this 'system' go far like this within me and simply pointing out oneness and equality.
Maybe while sex I am still compounding and working with energy what requires to be discharged and when it does not happen then my body handles it like that?
The physical experience is like that I am getting to be cold almost no matter the temperature and the clothes and then this pain goes on my ass(hole?) and the tip of my penis and it goes around down there and it is not really a physical-natured pain but somehow it is on that - and also I can have a feeling that I need to pee or poo but not really - and when I try to do so - then also something can come out and for that time as it comes - that pain is smaller but then it comes back...fascinating
Ok it was like this in the last half year about 3-4 times but when it comes - it got me for almost a hour.
I had a time when I was watching sexual content videos - for the beginning to see how people interact in groups in that kind of situations but then it was a habbit - and mostly I was not even masturbating but energetically I was giving inner reactions to that and some kind of compound happened. And later on when it was going for a long while - the body reacted with that kind of pain.
obviously I had to stop to watch those kind of videos but then I was experimenting about how and why still I watch these - and because I was not doing these in the physical.
In fact I also not wanted to do so - because then I could find that out - and why I was attracted to want to do with more than one partner? Probably because of the obvious things what people could think of this - more people - more joy? more people - less 'romantic' stuff, more direct things etc.
Also to please a woman requires a presence and maybe if more man is giving sexual pleasure for one woman then the men does not have to give full of everything of their presence so then they would remain within their mind and from there they could catch out for self-interest based for their sexual desire? No idea - but in fact with my actual partner - it is great to be in presence and give everything and remain myself and explore this.
So it was like that - a bit like Renton in the movie of trainspotting - when he stopped the drugs - he realized - he wants girl - it was like this for me also - when I stopped drugs - I was facing with coming out the big suppressed sexual desire - so intense, so great that I even did not know that it is so primal - because I was having the habit to put the desire into myself and then playing that everything is ok - but in fact it compounded -and I wanted to balance this out simply and fast - so I was like ok - I want to have sex with many people in the smallest time and space frame - so then the idea of seeking group sex arised - also I had some fun when two girls and two boy were kissing in a river while bathing naked and I was a bit surprised when I had to kiss with two girls at the same time but then this desire came up very fast from deep within and I decided to 'release' and see it and see common sense and the primary points about how and why I became this - because I was aware that this is a state of myself and later on I will release and step forward - so this is like that.
Obviously stopping sexual participation would help to equalize this but at this point, after the last 21 day no masturbation about one month ago - when this girl who I am having this kind of partnership came - I realized that this is an opportunity to step forward from that point without suppressing desire and energetic charge.
Since that I was not masturbated, about twice I was playing a bit with myself for a short time but that was not really a full masturbation, rather a bit expression and exploration.
While I was writing this - a bit pressure arised down there but it is not pain - but obviously not the most pleasant - so I breath and release. I breath and realize - energies are not real but as I compounded - the physical is resonating - so better to release by writing, sharing, self forgiveness and stopping and breathing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my desire by not realizing that the desire what I gave energy to - is also me - so as I suppressed this energy - I was supporting self-separation and I was supporting self-suppressing so I was not able to be fully here as physical expression but more likely I was using my human physical body to swallow these energetic experiences until the degree when it reacted with pain - so it is common sense to stop desire and act immediately with self-responsibility and self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I allow myself to desire after my sight - instead of realizing that the women what I can desire after - are of definitions of my mind.
I forgive myself that I not allowed myself to desire that what I desire after - I am already expressing the separation from it and by participation of desire - I am sealing down the self-made self-dishonest choice about I am the responsible of the separation and by desire I can not be while.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to get rid of compound energetic systems within me by extremely intense acts and by that maybe I am not in the directive principle - rather that I can slowly but surely direct and act and stop.
I forgive myself that I was afraid of realizing that my personality is like a predacious animal - like a lion - and by declining this when others say to me and when finally I realize this - I am defining myself as this - instead of releasing any definition of me and be momentary expression as inner silence.
What this personality could mean for me?
That I like to pick up something and then go after it until I get it and then enjoy it extensively. But when I do not want anything then even when the things what I usually would want are around me - I am not interested at all and I am simply resting and watching and when something I want - then I go for it immediately and that's it.
Also it is like a child playing - my partner defined that child-lion-like I can be when I am not thinking.
But I can see further that within my thinking systems - I can be also like that but more like a robot hehe.
These manifestations I am not fully sure, but at this point is better to write down because I want to investigate this further. About it is true or I want to be true or I do not want to be like this or it is just some verbal diarrhoea.
In fact I do not want to be defined at all by myself - but when others would do - then my inner reactions would tell - who I am within the situations.
Of course when I was a kid, it was fascinating to see, that my star sign is leo and I am a leon and the animal king shitty - but in fact I do not know.
There are people around me who give much worth to this fact about if somebody is a lion or fishes or scorpion - but I resisted this for long - that's why I investigate it's root.
The SRA course will be extremely supporting regarding issues like that but I am still not stable within muscle communication - and very soon I will practice it intensely when I will be at farm(probably). So until that - more open, study the SRA material and establish muscle communication and explore sexual expression.
Next post will be about a course what I did in the last three days - fascinating experience.