Saturday, June 29, 2013

[JTL 65] How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 3

This is a continuation of:

I am gathering points I've been faced as paranoia with drugs, first of all focusing on the most stimulating place: PARTY!

Back then I was not able to consider the fact that I can directly move myself - I was always busy with strategies, tactics, methodologies and stimulation what to I reacted and by that trying to 'get free'.
 Well, eventually I've became self-honest to the degree to acknowledge to myself that this is not the solution but meanwhile at least I've been faced so many fears and paranoia.

Since back then, in my old days - I've found very useful to expose myself and my ego with drugs at parties because:
  •  there is no private area, I can not pull back to be alone and control everything to my habits wherein I remain the same - I wanted to be changed indirectly
  • always faced with many-many people constantly - I did not have the time to think and go into my own bubble and alone wander around while twisted on substances
  •  very-very loud intense, mind-stimulating music - it pressured me and mind - at a certain degree it seemed like the music was so overwhelming, it washed away my thoughts
  • everybody is screwed - it is okay to be weird and not being judged - I did not need to pretend too much
  •  I can be all alone and in the next moment communicate with others - I can dance, I can sit and drink/eat/smoke or I can just watch people - so I can switch the setting immediately if I want or I can let things flow
 For these reasons I've chosen psychedelic trance and drum and bass parties for years to take high amount of psychedelic drugs in order to see how I react and what things I experience and realize in order to realize:
     "Who I am, what is going on here and what I am supposed to do(with my life)?"
However in the first years I have been exposed so many paranoia - there is a type of people who enjoy party but mostly not much - because it is quite intense and it is like a catalyst for the mind to reach certain states - and in the beginning I was not really a party boy - so that's why I've pushed myself towards it - it seemed more practical than sitting in a room and meditating quietly. However this brought up many-many fears and some were re- and reoccurring and those were already developed paranoia what the intensity of drug and the experiences just catalyzed.

So I make a list of the paranoia I've been exposed to while taken considerably high dosage of drugs at parties wherein I've introduced to realize some social paranoia within myself.


The basic problem is that mostly the drug user is unaware of the fact of 'I am here, I can direct myself, I can directly access, explore and express myself regardless of any stimulants', because once one starts to do so - judgments arise, others can reflect back what one judge furthermore and then one experiences reactions towards judgments and then one does not realize that experience does not last but the physical wherein one is breathing - so then one is focusing to the thoughts, judgments, paranoia and then by giving attention to these - they will remain and will be stronger and then one will experience oneself less and less directive, powerful and self-directive what then tries to balance out/overcome/explode/boost with drugs in order to experience differently

List of my paranoia at party while on drugs:
  • Paranoia from being busted by police/authorities - these things are PROHIBITED and in some countries such as where I live it is quite a punishment one can get and considering the fact that these drugs can have 4-10 hours of effects - one requires only think once about the consequences of being caught, taking to police station and being harassed by rude mustached per-judgmental policemen who are eager to give a fatherly lesson of how evenly BAD things I've done
  • Paranoia from being awkward, behaving strangely, someone who not supposed to notices that I am high
  • Paranoia from judged as not acceptable, outcast, weirdo, ugly, unattractive, crazy etc
  • Paranoia from doing something what is BAD for somebody else because I am not really myself being extremely twisted by hallucinations/delusions/realms/dimensions
  • Paranoia from harming myself in a way that I am not aware of for instance winter time not taking coat while being in the snow on acid - it does not seem relevant however it matters for the body
  • Paranoia from becoming too high, taking too much, what will be inconvenient/unpleasant/surreal/creepy
  • Paranoia from not becoming enough high, taking too less, the stuff is not strong enough
  • Paranoia from meeting someone who with my relationship is different, for instance a boss or parent of a friend, a girl to I wanted to be presentable as smart and not violently stoned for instance
  • Paranoia from losing my papers/phone/money while having wild party for instance trance dance on acid
  • Paranoia from someone approach me and wants to talk with me
  • Paranoia from the idea of no one wants to talk with me
  • Paranoia from losing myself in any way whatsoever
  • Paranoia from a girl wants to be with me and I can even barely talk
  • Paranoia from screwing my mind permanently and 'losing it'
  • Paranoia from being photographed while on drugs and being published on social media/websites

So for start this will do - these I've had back there and I had to face each while on stuff on music party.

Oh yes, paranoia from the music not being good enough was also topic sometimes because I concluded myself to be very picky about what kind of music I can 'fly' with and 'enjoy' and anything else was like 'normal/insignificant/boring/not psychedelic' meanwhile doing these drugs being at these handful of performers were like gate opener for the specific experiences I was after. However - jumping back to the specific paranoia - one can notice that most of these paranoia can be relevant for anybody at any time regardless of drugs - but being on drugs means that the mind is enhanced/boosted/altered/shifted/twisted - and if one has no direction within and as the mind to see and consider what is real while not using drugs - then while taking the drugs it is clear that with the drug one can not really know for sure that what one is experiencing is 'more' or 'less' real.

For instance I remember at a specific event I was on acid and from time to time I looked towards a direction and there was a person who always looked back at me at the same time and after 2-3 like that I thought that he is watching me and I had the questions automatically about: Why? Is something wrong with me or he wants something or what?
 And after all it did not really matter but in the beginning I was really unstable and things like that brought up my paranoia.

And there are certain things what are facts - like the one that police really can come into the scene at any time and start screwing up things by arresting criminals('drug abuse')- so with that I could not really do anything practical - I considered the risk and prepared for happening and if they come I will react anyways but for that I quickly evolved within my mind with the self-judgments of 'fear from it' versus 'it still worthy' and beyond that I will see, I trusted in 'greater forces'.
And it is fascinating to write about drug-related paranoia because except the ones what directly related to the drug itself - any other paranoia is already existing within one's mind but with the drug as the mind is enhanced - there is the chance that the paranoia as manifested relationship with self-definitions regarding to fear might be pronounced and overwhelmed as experience as self identification as well.

Another question is that how one is dealing with 'problems' as self-accepted personality system for instance one can be diverted for instance saying 'let us not speak about it and then it might not happen' or for instance I was the one who if had some drug I did hide it somehow somewhere if a bust would come then I would have time or choice to react with regards to avoid manifesting the subject of my paranoia such as busted for possession of illegal substance by not carrying it around or having it hidden in a secret stash in my shoes etc. But I was not really a druggy guy - some blotters with some mushroom head I was not really fearful - however probably the ones who are dealing with 'white dusts etc' are more likely...

After all - regardless of one is able to consider or not all existing fears within oneself - when taking the drug it is within one's mind beyond some layers anyway - and people seems to tend to just see where the 'ride takes' - it is not always easy to really having a great time meanwhile taking drugs at a party...especially when doing with so called 'hallucinogens' - that is like the very essence of the mind and paranoia itself to face...
 And I am sure that not much people are able to remain always here as breath - and constantly be aware of the play of the mind that it is not real - and anybody can say that 'I know, it is just the trip' - but all experience affects/effects us on a level what we are not aware of fully - therefore influences will come - and already 'containing' definitions/reactions might become stronger or less dominant - but the point I take is that here is NOT Self is the directive principle - at some moments maybe - but in overall - not really - therefore I do not suggest it - rather than one should learn to express self within writing and develop self-intimacy to explore within self-direction and slowly but surely develop self-confidence, self-will, self-honesty and self-commitment to explore/change/express within the full understanding to the utmost specificity of one's life.

Taking stimulating and mind-blowing/hallucinogen drug is different when one is drinking beers and shorts and wine - because some things are completely legal and even promoted by the government until one can keep up with the rules of not harming other or not drinking on street in a daycare etc. And alcohol seems to be some sort of stimulant but in fact a central nervous system depressant. Meaning after a while you might numb down literally to a degree of being quite insensible.

But for instance LSD is more likely stimulant - makes the mind really liquid/fly - and if one's mind contains paranoia - it might fly with it as well.

I've found particularly fascinating to try to predict who is 'eligible' for taking such drugs and who is not by trying to judge them how stable, self-reflective and able to open for those new kind of experiences.
 Overall I've known some mates who I judged as they should not take the stuff and refused them to assist and heard that they had some 'bad trip' and even there were quite some occasion when I've judged one as 'capable of handling it' meanwhile they did some extremely stupid thing therefore faced serious accident what I did not foresee.

Even the very definition of 'bad trip' is paranoia as one is so much focused on the mind that believes it literally and not realizing that programming the mind is responsibility what can be understood, changed, stopped for greater good but not much people really grasp the very possibility to direct and understand - and in fact deciding to be absolutely honest with self  -to a degree to even connect the dots that 'I am might be responsible for all what I experience'.

And after all - these are experiences and what I am reacting to these experiences what will determine which become real as consequence of my starting point.
Even to define an experience as 'bad trip' is consequence of already accepted judgments of 'what is good and what is trip' and then 'what is bad' for instance when a thought comes and I stuck with it's silence shout within - and I react to it and I overwhelm by the echos of my mind and it grows and becomes the entire experience for instance a particular paranoia takes over and a fear would manifest as myself as physical discomfort and I do not understand how I've manifested it and how I did participate within specific mind-patterns and then I am unable to stop and then I fear from 'it will remain so' and then the trip becomes bad I scare the shit out of myself for instance of 'remaining crazy'.

I did not have these things - I was more likely the suppressive guy who was able to suppress everything and in the next moment experiencing 'I am clear' - however it formed as a some sort of depression what is not the topic today but just gave an example that there is no escape from reacting with paranoia if there is a fear within.

Many guys I know had the conclusion to not take for instance acid anymore only because they faced a particular paranoia what made them to pull back and never wanting to face it again - well for me that would drove crazy and I'd repeat the experience to overcome it but not within Self-honesty but with force - trying to empower myself with energy, more energy, with more intense circumstances, more killer music etc but after all - these did not work to transcend the fear really. It took several years to acknowledge that I require more than just these substances or spiritual meditation(what is the same as drug only it's much-much slower) and that is why I am taking the time to share these things for anybody to not loop in time as I did but directly be able to have the best practical tools as Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-correction and Self-commitment to not waste so much time, energy, money and eventually years to run in circles with the most basic points such as fear from being intimate with myself and never questioning why I am not expanding and I am 'having' these guys around me who still believe within the drug instead of directly SELF HERE and therefore they seems to be stuck but to acknowledge it: takes courage but after all - it exposes who we are and what we want to be within our gifted physical life, but it must be obvious now to not dare ourselves to acknowledge that 'I've been mistaken, I was wrong in my entire life' - seems to be tough for many but after all what for we are living if not to realize and change unconditionally?

If everything falls, stick to the basic principle as Equality and Oneness and use the tools, write within Self-honesty, everything of mind, write out, realize the relationships, apply self-forgiveness and explore stopping the existing paranoia - regarding to drug, to childhood fears or even paranoia from paranoia itself.

So drug-paranoia is quite big topic, I've just scratched the surface with my own experiences but the conclusion for this session is already clear:

PARANOIA as the fear from the noise of the mind is problem while one is taking drug and it is always related to the starting point of why one is taking the drug and as it is literally the 'starting point': it determines the outcome, the consequence, the result, the consequence and by these in fact the responsibility for what one is experiencing therefore what is reacting to and how will behave by.

By the specific examples of paranoia(what were my own fears when one (- me, theoretically of course - did/would) take drugs.

The problem as pronounced before is that people are not able to be honest with self to see the starting point for why taking the drug, with what setting within boosting the mind-set for different kind of perception.

Another problem is that one does not see the energetic experiences within related to thoughts/feelings/emotions and how these are really working and in specific daily life events how one really operate by and through and eventually as these inner backchats, habits, personalities, characters.

Also it is problem that the drug and it's effect people are unaware of - just seeing how one particular substance alters one's owns mind and how one is reacting to it for what specific interest.
It is not always enough to say 'wanting to have good times' or 'I want to have better understanding' meanwhile having issues and behaviors what one already have relationship with such as lack of self-confidence or fear from facing a childhood paranoia.

It is also prominent to note that not to be able to see/realize/understand problems and solutions within our life without drug and expecting solution/band aid from a drug or wanting to have a specific experience with what one can feel better or want to change.


Taking Self-responsibility through and as the realization of practical Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective statements and Self-commitments to become aware of what must be done within what circumstances specifically how in each situation wherein one already realized the Self-dishonesty what wants and scipts to prepare, act and stabilize to stop and explore what is beyond that fear as Self as Life.

There is an extensive research have been done by Andrea Rossouw  in the blog called Crime's journey to Life within the following posts:

Spiritual drug usage
Why people take drugs
 The causes behind drug use:
 An example or two of the character of somebody who uses and abuses drugs:
 'The happiness-drug-user' Self-forgiveness:
 'The happiness-drug-user' Self-forgiveness continued:
Fear-dimension within Social-situations continued:
 Backchat Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:
 Reaction Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:
 Behavioral Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:
 Self-Corrective Statements:
It seems to be a lot but it is worthy to walk through, I really suggest to do so for everybody to read and embrace as each post is specific and to see within each sentence 'Is this actually related to my own life? How?' And to gift ourselves with the realization of what we are accepting and allowing as our self/reality what we are responsible for - especially when deciding to understand the dynamics of ourselves to be able to stop.

Quoting from this blog:

"why people take drugs*" - the main contexts that one is able to see stepping forth though, is that the drug connects to the users mind and changes, suppresses or heightens certain mental aspects for the person on their behalf, this obviously depends on the chemical compound i.e. the purpose of the drug.

Each drug user will give a reason for using the drug, and that reason is how the person defend their use of drug. If one then look behind the reason, which is usually the beautiful things like 'expression' spirituality and heightened levels of consciousness' you will see the cause behind why people use drugs. The causes are for example depression, anxiety, Fear, wanting to forget, Pain, Worries, Suppression of Emotions such as Anger, Jealousy, to alleviate the discomfort around poverty and lack of money to purchase what others have etc.."

So this is a very cool assistance and support to walk through the reason and starting point what will give some points to explore within regarding to the reasons why one would make habit for taking drugs to in fact escape from reality.

As the problem is NOT the drug, not even the intake of the drug however if the starting point is 'corrupted' by a self-definition - as self-dishonesty as fear from lose - there is a chance that one is not able to walk through that starting point even with the experience of the drug itself - if that would shake the foundation of one's personality, one might build in excuses and justifications and then the 'drug taking for freedom' becomes 'drug for build self-slavery' even further.

And I am aware of that many has the starting point of 'awakening', 'transcending', 'changing' and 'exploring' consciousness/reality/mind/self/life - I only say that without Self-honesty, one can take anything or have access to everything and will not dare to fundamentally question and change one's own self what is already a Programmed Mind Consciousness System what has created/developed and stabilized it's own energetic status quo by the very thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories/definitions/habits/reactions as we refer to call ourselves as 'me, myself, I'. That can not be disregarded in a singular moment even with the highest drug experience - as it was built by the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2, day by day, year by year and the same consistency is required to dissolve, walk out from it but with Self-discipline, Self-direction fueled by and as Self-honesty as Life.

Quoting again from Crime's journey to Life blog some Self-forgiveness to give an example for what I mean.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within perpetual cycles of emotion and feeling polarities, where I exist from day to day to live for the positive feeling experience such as joy, and to avoid the negative emotions such as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow up believing in the CONcept that who we are - are our emotions, feelings and thoughts -

within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realizing and understanding for myself throughout my life, from observing my experiences, that these cycles of energetic experiences are truly not supportive of me as they by nature are uncomfortable, lead to abusive self practices and contain the being within continual struggles and depression/angst.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that emotions/feelings - once I for a moment stop participating in them, do not change me as what remains when those 'cycles' end is me consistent here as a living, breathing expressive being -

then I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see the common sense that surely it is not a system of the mind that indeed supports me, but only exists as a constant battle, a and is system that requires my understanding and directing, instead of blindly following, where I eventually accept a life around who I am as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, instead of living self responsibility in self honesty as what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop my personality from childhood into adulthood, around my emotions and feelings, whereby I live in an attempt to alleviate the discomfort I experience from allowing my own emotional patterns such as jealousy, anger, conflicted and the 'polarities' between which these points swing - which we call the seeking of the pleasures of life - which would exist as the polarity struggles between feelings and emotions such as: joy/sadness, hope/hopelessness, fear/brave, have/have not, beauty/ugly, joyful/depressed etc.

And finally quoting one Self commitment statement from Crime's journey to Life:

Therefore I commit myself that when and as I realize I will not become a personality through the use of drugs to fit into how society interact on the levels of the go and energy addictions - to stop the fears that come up around the point of 'what If I no longer belong' and to immediately stand equal and one to myself as life, to support only directive living that is best for all, and to realize that to exist in social situations that support only the mind as the ego - is not me as life, therefore if any fears come up;
 I stop I breathe, I stand physically stable and I either continue to participate in effective self expression without competing and wanting to fit in by acting like others - or I make a decision to leave, and I simply look again at the point of what it is that I would like to participate in, what social situations/interactions would support me and to then focus in the future on expressing myself where I see I would really enjoy myself, and to not fear letting go of the old personality designs I grew up believing I had to belong to.

Furthermore check those out, they are invaluable to assist and support to drop the veil of perceived self and explore what is beyond the paranoia and fear to become really free.


To understand why I am taking the drug and actually see what I expect from it can start to transform my relationship from the drug back to myself and realize that as the Problem is me - the solution also must be - and the very habit I've formed by taking drugs for stop the paranoia of the mind is already a paranoia from directly facing, exploring, changing, taking responsibility of and as SELF as LIFE.

To explore the social fears what is already encoded into one's owns personality what the drug can enhance, suppress or even change - but if I am not the directive principle it is like a roulette - I play  casino and sometimes I win, sometimes I lose - without ever questioning how this game of mind works - and for real satisfaction is never enough.

To walk the practical tools of Self-forgiveness/Self-correction/Self-commitment and see how one is accumulating Self-direction, Self-trust, Self-integrity to realize that it is possible to directly transcend any fear and all paranoia without any drug is really something what I strongly suggest to consider/realize/try/explore!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

[JTL 64] Breathing presence versus tiredness of mind

2013.06.23 Breathing presence versus tiredness of mind

I've noticed that there is a relation between breathing within physical self-presence and tiredness.

I've also noticed that many times I wake up - I am not really myself as Self-direction.
How horrible and gruesome can be to acknowledge to oneself this very statement that I am becoming aware that I am awake yet I am not myself.
This is a very new territory within myself to explore so even words were never to describe this but after almost a week in the forest without any tasks to do I was able to notice and become conscious about it and within writing I am stabilizing and remembering this realization without any thoughts and backchat. Mostly because I can not trust within my own thoughts - even the very vivid ones are related to outer conditions and inner circumstances - therefore to 'make' a specific thought-pattern is not really easy within my current state therefore many apparent 'realizations' I think through and after some moments it is gone and there is a quite some amount of time until I will have the opportunity to become aware of it.
And it might work if I would have about a thousand years to become aware of all details and layers of my created-self but actually is not - I am already 33 years old so let's be practical and stick to this reality. I should and in fact must grasp all the most effective assistance and tools to practically stabilize my realization of walking out of the mind system to get actual direct physical reality as self as life as fast as possible because my days, my breathes are numbered and after all I will simply decay. So let us not waste any more introduction and jump into the middle of it.

I use words to describe as a feeling and will specify then and self-forgiveness with I will open up the responsibility points to prepare for self-correction and become aware of it once and for all.

My nose is stuck - not really nausea but some sort of - and taking a breath seems to be difficult and really takes effort and full awareness, like each tiny particle and segment of the actual pyhsical action of taking the breath - it is like I divide a second to 1000 parts and each parts I must literally push myself through my nose - and my chest is raising and lowering and the air I push through my nose - trying to make a path of air - and as I am pushing - I am focusing onto this physical breathing and meanwhile I let go of thoughts - and then I realize I've been constantly following thoughts - for minutes - from dream state to actually be awaken and even walking around, maybe already sitting on an underground and once I realize that holy shit where am I?
Mostly I come to the conclusion that I am kind of numb, tired, my mind is some sort of dirty, noisy, rude and slow, imprecise and I am suppressive, submissive and reactive.

After a point - it feels like I am sort of 'charged up' and energized to a level wherein I just remember all of the stuff I've been through - it is like my whole lifetime I am walking again - and when first I've taken my greatest sufferings and all the psychedelic drug experiences wherein there were some sort of clean moments wherein I actually am empty and everything is within me and I am undefined - and then this whole process was about 23 years to face - and then less and less time required to walk through the same circle and it SEEMS like this circle is repeating more and more faster - but it is still the same: I become aware of Self-direction and presence as requirement of inner purification - and I walk it and then I lose it and then I am automated again - what mostly nobody can notice.

And then I come to the same point wherein I realize holy shit I am automated and I can stop and direct myself and change myself.

The whole psychedelic years were like trying to automate myself, to perfect myself to program myself to a perfect awareness machine - still within the belief that after all I will be able to just sit back and observe meanwhile direct it with my intention and never considering the separation and actually to be the movement all the time is the key.
So this program is still like if I feel awkward, shitty, bad, hard, difficult, negative - I go into this some sort of 'more awareness' state wherein I am able to re-program myself and when things seems to be like I should be headed to - I pull back and just hope that as this 'vector' I've started to push myself into as direction - will get me what I want and not realizing that at the moment I let it go, let myself 'go' - I am letting the automated self again to take over and even if I change parameters within or even some definitions and rules:

awareness can not be programmed into and as me;

only breath by breath as presence as direction is required and in fact myself as direction is the key to be awareness - by practically transcending the mind in each moment by fully understanding myself within each situation - and it is not just like 'once I take the red pill it will be the other side' - that is self-dishonesty because I am not here in each moment because within myself I am me, not the moment itself - as the moment is never real without me.
So enough the philosophical stone - back to practical breathing.

Breathing is difficult and my nose is a bit stuffed with things what must be blew out or picked up - and there are extensive amount of self-definitions about only being this aware of breath character when my nose is clean, I am not tired and I am already through the conclusion of thoughts are prison and uncomfortable.

That's why I am not really returning to presence as breath because these conditions by I have defined my awareness.

Today I had this - just returned to my new home from the forest where I've accommodated to living there in tent, no housing, electricity, nothing really, only springs of water, food, fire and sleeping bag with tent - and lots of plants, insects, birds - I've started to program myself to be aware in those circumstances - fresh air, windy, natural environment.
And then I've came back into this flat, confined rooms, warm air, nothing but my belongings, no plant, no insect, no sun, no moon, no stars.
Today I've felt quite sleepy and tired - I've eaten and went back to sleep, and then packed around and cleaned up some and went back to sleep again.
Now watched half a movie and eaten and had a coffee and decided to write - to start writing - but still if I skip 'push' myself as decision - I start to feel sleepy and tired and want to lie down in the bed and fall asleep for a half an hour.

If I do not drink enough water - it is also like this - so I start to drink water.
After having the cycle for taking a pee and drinking water - I am hydrated and start to focus to my breathing really and coming out from the thoughts.

This is not typical - more and more I wake up in the morning as 'okay stop thoughts/dreams' and I am disregarding thoughts already - or having thoughts but as I am acting and doing things - thoughts are not really relevant but still influencing - or I wake up with no thoughts immediately that also can happen - even sometimes I am already in the subway meanwhile had not really thoughts - and it does not mean I am self-realized - that would take much more consistency to actually stabilize my constant walk out of the mind of thoughts...

Also this idea that I must push and direct breath meanwhile I am 'focusing' to breathing is already self-definition and of separation as self-dishonesty.

And this is the case only when I am alone - when someone else is here with me - I am quite fast giving up internal programs and focus to physical and the other but still can occur that I listen and follow thoughts especially when I get used to the other one or I have nothing from the other to get and then I start to be bothered about the things apparently I can not do what I can when I am alone and that compounds and then I start to focus to be able to be alone and do my things.

Next thing is that thoughts can come mostly when I lie down in the bed - regardless of what I want to do - if I am alone - thoughts come - and then I think and then mostly I want to sleep and then I simply stop the thoughts and then I feel tired and fall asleep.

So it looks like I use thoughts to shepherd myself energetically towards desired directions or use the 'no thoughts' 'state' to be able to act according to my interest.

Self-forgiveness: sleep, thoughts, tiredness, breathing:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define tiredness as an excuse to not breath naturally within physical presence as practical way of disregarding thoughts as the result of empty mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use tiredness as a reward for myself to have an excuse to take rest wherein I allow myself to follow and being stimulated by thoughts as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by thoughts I am stimulating myself with energy and to stop that energetic stimulation I experience a lack what I've defined as tiredness because then the self-automation system is not effective.
I forgive myself that I have never ever considered that I have programmed myself to react to each possible circumstances in my life to react with thoughts and by the energetic reaction of thoughts I am activating specific self-definition systems of personality within what automatically comes alive to tell me and direct me who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and build up my personalities upon to a energetic state of hope that with thoughts and characters driven by self-judgments and self-definitions as thoughts I can get what I want and I can get to a state where it is taken granted and I can lean back and just enjoy the work without needing to work again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project relaxing and resting to the future wherein I will just get without giving and I will my dreams fulfilled and whenever I face difficulty, I imagine this dream of mine and reacting to it with positive reactions I feel energetic and then experiencing myself as good and judging everything as 'alright' and 'nothing to change' or 'reconsider' therefore remain within and as personalities of the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that relaxing and experiencing my body as relaxed and without stress, anxiety and fear can only be experienced when I am doing literally nothing and never ever considering that within self-directed action I can be relaxed and free of stress, anxiety, fear and fully present as myself.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the common sense within decomposing and understanding and deprogramming my already manifested conditioning towards my environment, my requirements and my energetic inner reactions to be able to stop it and explore what is beyond automation.
I forgive myself that I have never considered specifically take apart my daily living such as waking up, lieing in the bed, walking, doing specific daily activities and see and explore within self-honesty about what actually I am doing and the patterns I repeat based on my interest and belief systems.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the possibility that if I disregard breath as self as physical here - then I regard something what is not breath as self as physical here what is not really myself but of conditions what are formed and shaped me without me being aware of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not gift the time to myself to decompose my daily living and forgiving each aspect of self-definitions and beliefs and practically stopping each part of myself what is not self-directed but automated by circumstances and in fact not supporting me as all as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require physical force in order to breath properly and by that force pushing and literally blowing the air through myself in order to disregard thoughts within the belief that I require force against the already manifested force of my thoughts as self-inversion as mind consciousness system to stop the separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define lieing on bed as thinking or sleeping only and never considering being inner silent meanwhile resting my body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within physical action I escape from the acceptance of thoughts, because judging physical action as good against thoughts because being occupied with the body and it's senses meanwhile defining thinking as not effective.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I stop thinking only when I act physically and never considering acting physically breathing here within the self-direction of being relaxed.
I forgive myself that I have never explored to direct myself to remain here as presence as expression without accepting thoughts and when thoughts come waiting for them to pass over or following thoughts to get to conclusions from where hoping to not need to think because then apparently 'solving' issues within and not realizing that only creating layers of self-definitions what is not related to reality but of already accepted layers of self-dishonesty through giving permission to think instead of act directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do require force and energy and attention and pushing to overcome thoughts and not considering to simply allow my body to breathe naturally meanwhile remain here as presence without any force, energy, attention, focus, pushing and within that never see/understand/realize that by the very act of 'overcome' I am participating within polarity within the starting point of accepting myself by giving permission to thoughts to move within and wanting to equalize instead of seeing within myself as self-intimacy about what exactly those specific thoughts show me equal and one with me as reality what I am not standing within self-direction as equality and oneness therefore correction within physical and stopping is required to explore, manifest and stabilize while remaining undefined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up as thoughts and not present and allowing myself to wake up, walk and act meanwhile being occupied, influenced by and directed through thoughts and never realizing that the solution is here as stopping myself as the very specific thoughts one by one and there is no way around, no way to overcome, force through or balance out but each one to understand, decompose, forgive and stop moment by moment and remain within the stopping until it is removed completely such as thinking about things what I forget, and thinking about points what I must do during the day and wanting to memorize the to do list by thinking about it instead of use physical body to remember such as writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuse to think that I do not have time to write down and thinking that having the thoughts about it and reacting with another thoughts to these thoughts are same effective as writing down specifically what I want to do and remember.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I do not direct myself in this state of who I am currently - then the direction of mind as thoughts, emotions and feelings will direct me what is not really me but of self-dishonesty of past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about things what happened already and judged those by positive or negative such as I did like those or I did not like those because of something and not realizing that the very act of thinking such indicates that I had judgment what is not related to the thing what I judged but only myself therefore I am realizing that within the very act of thinking about it I am exposing myself of fear from facing directly it because without judgment I might experience it as it is and I wanted to have the interest to specifically react to it the way I've defined the best for myself and accepted and allowed myself to program this into and as my physical to automatically do so without ever questioning it and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and act within the acknowledgement of not being fully myself instead of stopping and releasing and disregarding what is not me here and re-aligning myself with and as self-direction as physical presence here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define horrible and gruesome the self-judgment of myself not being myself here instead of stopping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from acknowledging that I am not here as self-direction as  presence but of programmed automations of past-conclusions based on thought patterns because if I could dare to acknowledge to myself that I am not fully myself here then I'd do something about it because to accept myself as not really myself would cause me to discomfort, frustration and then I'd push myself to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to the conclusion that I am not myself who I am manifested here and never realizing that the very manifestation of myself is actually the truth of me therefore equal as one supporting me to face myself within and as the physical who I really am as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my presence according to and dependent on my nose is stuck or not.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that to define myself and my presence and self-direction based on the air can come and go through or not is self-dishonesty because it is of self-definition to telling me who I am according to my nose's state and projecting responsibility towards my nose and the air how can go through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge myself regarding to how my nose is fully of stuff or not and conditioning myself and my breath and my presence and who I am regarding to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my self-direction and presence must be conditioned to how much water I take and how hydrated I am and how my nose is free to breath through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed because of picking my nose because my mother always told me not to meanwhile I've always noticed that I am less tired if I can breath through my nose with less effort if it is clean so defining myself according to my nose's cleanness and fearing from anybody noticing that I am picking my nose and never realizing that I can use common sense and if it is not accepted to do so in public then I can do it at places where it is accepted such as toilet, bathroom etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself regarding to picking my nose and become addicted to picking my nose because defining it as it gives me energy because when not doing so and therefore my nose would be filled with stuff then I would not be able to breathe through my nose naturally therefore if my nose is full and not being able to clean it then defining it as negative energy or myself becoming energetically less or more tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to hate to breathe through my mouth and when I have to do so then defining myself as less effective, less aware and less energetic and less present and not using common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility to be myself here as self-direction based on the air I can take through my nose or not based on how my nose is filled and never realizing that I can direct myself to use common sense and not allow myself to be defined who I am by any circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as numb, acceptive, submissive when I am not able to breath through my nose freely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop acting and be physical by going into experiences of thoughts, feelings and emotions within the hope that it will be good for me and not realizing that it is self-interest based on energy of accumulation of self-dishonesty of past.

So after this one I will get back to my drugs and paranoia series as I have still much to share and walk the correction.

2013.06.24: Being here is who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as not being self-directive in every moment of every breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to difficult to describe the experience how and why exactly I am not directing myself in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be practical within this world and never realizing that if I disregard physical reality, I am disregarding myself equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that without writing myself within consistency – I do not have a chance to walk through the mind as it is designed to not transcend within a lifetime without assistance and dedication and discipline.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider that the number of my breathes are finite and never realizing that if I do not live by and as principle – then I am allowing myself to waste myself within the disregard of myself as life as principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as numb, tired and dirty while accepting and following and reacting to thoughts and never considering the choice to actually disregard thoughts and stop participate by realizing what is the starting point and the reason of these thoughts and realize that I must do something about it to stop them as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within path of evolution within I am reaching the awareness by walking through the same path all the time and always faster, quicker and more direct instead of using common sense and stop directly and discipline myself to not start any path towards any result of stopping but directly stopping myself without any path.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within psychedelic path wherein I can use chemical substances to help myself to stop the cycles of thoughts and mistakes by boosting myself or stopping myself or liquefying myself meanwhile not being able to fully understand how I am doing so within the hope that I do not need to be aware of each and every single detail of my own creation and the reason for who I’ve became here by simply taking substances and using it’s effect to overcome difficulties what I’ve defined as I can not transcend by and as myself without the substance and it’s effect to my mind and never realizing that what effects the mind is still of and as the mind and by this I am still accepting the mind to be directive and I am not here as self-direction as absolute self-will and self-honesty because there is this condition by what I am limited, directed and separated by from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my breathing is difficult because I’ve walked into my mind deep and to walk out of it requires energy and force to ‘come back to surface’ and playing this energetic game to ‘go into’ and ‘walk out’ meanwhile my breath is in fact always here regardless of my mind or where I put my starting point to – I am always breathing and the question and choice is that where is my starting point as self-direction as what I am aware of – the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions as starting point or physical presence as reality as breath as body as me as all others equal as one here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define waking up in the morning as a process wherein my dream is transforming into thinking and by thinking becoming more and more energetic and from a point by this energetic state I define myself as awaken therefore being able to direct myself by the mind through who I’ve defined myself to be without needing to think about it but programmed into the body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in and as one moment and being here completely, fully, without any path, process or progress – simply I am here and I am directing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define directing myself as always moving physically and not realizing that I can direct myself to REMAIN here without moving any particular body part or even walking/crawling/running anywhere but being here and being aware of the body is already self-direction.
I forgive myself that I have never realized that I have never explored self-direction meanwhile not moving my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing myself and falling into the universe when I am not moving my body and not thinking but being here, remaining here, directing myself to remain here and experience myself here and express myself as being: HERE.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/believe that I do require energy to be here, to remain here, to direct myself to be and remain here and never realizing that I am always here and it is who I am – therefore the very energy what I defined is required is the opposite for: to not be here as myself but of and as energy of mind as not real but of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can lie on the ground or in the bed or anywhere meanwhile not thinking and not requiring energy to remain here.

[JTL 63] Being with others and reacting

2013.06.21, Friday
I am in the forest with some people for some days where is sometimes tension and I have the opportunity to see how I participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I fear from directing the situation around when it is emotional and I am apparently clear and becoming observer and waiting to be over as I did when I was kid meanwhile thinking that I do not have directive power over others and after some time it will go away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts to automatize myself in order to avoid fear and overcome the feeling of not having power over the situation around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that others will stop raging emotions and then I will be free of the reactions to emotions and not realizing that then I am conditioned to others and how others start or stop being reactive and not realizing that in fact I am reactive and projecting self-responsibility to be influenced and wait for stop stop in an as a disregarding myself and what is reacting within me in each breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from remaining alone if I do not accept emotions to be directive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at moments I fear from myself if I do not follow predefined patterns then I will have to fear more therefore listening to thoughts therefore not being here by that manifested fear of and as mind of thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that any given moment I am not here as continuous presence - I am automated of thoughts of fear what must be walked backwards moment by moment each, one by one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the physical is the key as breath as principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from living with others because then emotional storms happen within people argue and shout and blame and tension and anxiety and fear is in the air which from I feel and defined myself to feel that I am being exhausted, tainted by and focused to as negative.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow within my living quarters therefore the principle is simple - what I accept and allow is my responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to dominate down who argue and shout by shouting them more loud and strong to listen to me who is saying: stop it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself to shout others in order to stop them arguing because I think that if I am not here then they will continue it anyways and only what I can gain is that they do not want to be with me because I am getting mad - and not realizing that if I will be alone because not accepting emotional arguments then my starting point is here - no emotional argument.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as emotional when I would raise my voice to others in order to stop them being emotional because what if in fact I am becoming emotional by them and then saying them to not be emotional while I am emotional and anxious looks like a contradiction and fearing that what if they would say to me that 'Tala, in fact you are emotional and anxious' and not using common sense and principle and Self-honesty in every breath here to avoid conflict within me and then around me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that I am playing the character of being good for accepting people around me within the hope that it will be good and they will be nice because that is what I want for me therefore thinking they want the same from me and if I will be nice and kind by default then they will be the same.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that mostly within sexual desire and hope for sexual connection I accept to be socially compromise and allow people to direct here and me first and then if it is abusive then reacting to it and then judging my reaction and then wanting to stop it and eventually direct the situation what is best for me - and never realizing it is because of the hope and fear :
-hope that they will be cool with me as I would like to receive
-fear from directing the circumstances, myself, my direction and even the interaction with others because then they would judge and react to me as controller, dictator, dominant
and never realizing that I always push myself down to compromise what is supporting me in order to remain within the character of being accepted, nice, kind and helpful within the hope that then everybody will be eventually the same with me believing within a some sort of karma and not realizing that within the law of attraction I pull people around me who direct me within their interest meanwhile they hope that I will be nice with them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if emotions and fear is expressed around me the common sense is to see that is it directing me or not - and if so then my existing relationship first is to deal and sort out and if I am clear and empty then I can see what is going on with others to assist and support but only then - otherwise my responsibility here is only my reaction and my programming to decompose, understand, forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being self-honest and intimate with myself within any given moment to be able to see that an upcoming thing in the mind is my issue or others.

I commit myself to stop reacting to emotional exerting of others automatically - I stop giving the permission to my programmed mind body to react with emotions by suppression and waiting and I start directing.
I commit myself to stop fearing from raising my voice within the belief that if I shout then I am bad by understanding that if I am clear within - I trust myself undefined and even if it looks like I am going too far - I still trust myself that I walk the principle of stopping within and expressing with out.
I commit myself to see and realize when I am falling through over the horse from suppressing to exerting and stop and re-align myself to forgive myself to return to moment as clear and empty within and embrace the presence undefined as principled living within common sense based consideration of what is best for all and me equal as one breath by breath.
I commit myself to direct my live within principle and stop fearing from not being accepted if I stand up for and as principle.
I commit myself to direct situation within common sense at my living quarters without fear from being rejected by others.

Meanwhile I am able to slow and stop within - and finding relaxation within constant action.
The only thing is required to consider my body's limitations and everything else is here - except electricity and internet and mobile network. My limitations I can face within extreme strong sunlight versus my very white skin and my left pointing finger has some serious dysfunction since a while and quite painful it is while using it.
Ticks are everywhere, many-many - even repellents are not holding these tiny monsters back and they love children's blood especially.

We have a very blessed place wherein are multiple fountains.  Yesterday I've helped to clean the little stream and today will continue. I just walked into the nearest village for about 5 km-s - but here is still no mobile network(therefore internet) but at least I can charge up these gadgets to write some.

I enjoy to work in nature - yesterday gathered lots of woods and made fire, cooked, dig and cleaned the stream,  today will clean some bushes and clean the stream more and bring rocks into it.

Back at home at my new flat there is still no cable connection until Tuesday, so I do not hurry - only what bothers me is my writing habits regarding to course and commitment assignments but from next week I will be able to continue each night.
Many things seems to change within - what I see as most important is my drive for find a woman is less - even here in the camp women are not really clothed - I do not feel the urge and the need and obsession towards sex.
I've always noticed that within the city I am more focused to women and sex within my mind than on countryside so this will be a Self-honesty writing walk soon.
The addiction to orgasm seems to fade as well - What I look within is that is this a suppression or a self-honest expression to stop what is not here as relevant in the moment.
Man, how much energy is involved within the sexual mind - once it is released I am not really that changing.
It is really like being lifted from possession.
It is fascinating because here is some nudism and I do see some titties and pussy but not really matters - just bodies - and sometimes I still see my eyes and head moving automatically to specific body parts of women what I've defined as energetically charging but I am continuously releasing.
It is a process - and only self-honesty can assist within seeing that what I can stop in the moment and not using 'path of attainment' as excuse to not stop in and as the moment entirely.

The remaining thing to write today is that I am starting to have a 'capacity' and attention towards my daily waking up process.
Recently I experience it - as no alarm I use in the forest - is that I sleep, I wake up, then I sleep back and then I wake up because my thoughts are getting more and more loud and after all I wake up because I'm fed up with this thinking all the time as annoys me.
It does not have direction or particular topic - it SEEMS to flow randomly about things in my life - like a twisted echo machine.
I sleep still not too much - about 6-7 hours - but for me it is too much - but I've defined that this time I allow myself to just see how and when I wake up.
I even had verbal expression towards others that I might want to wake up before the sun and take some sunrise footages with my camera but not really.

When I started to walk with Desteni, I have found very practical and useful and supportive to say Self-forgiveness-Sleeping wherein there is this:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as moment as me, as breath as me.

I have said it for many days and when I did it - it assisted  - and still there are times when I do take a short nap for instance for 15-30 minutes - and I wake up - I am empty - and I wake up and I act - no thoughts.
But it is not consistent, and in the mornings it only occurs when I use alarm being set on asking me to wake up after 4:30-6:00 hours sleep.

But I must investigate the morning thoughts one by one specifically and de-weed myself one by one.
Even many times I see dreaming is also a some sort of thought-stream but more vivid it's like a mind-state wherein thoughts are more colored and less just like this voiceless-speaker in my head as backchat.

So a backchat diary is required to follow and see the patterns and see the conditions what with they arise for what reason and what is what I do not direct in my life and reflects back through and as the thoughts of mind.
Alright, my charger is getting finished on almost all batteries so I am taking the 5 km walk back to the forest to make some fire and chapati and dig stream and cut grass more and see what comes next.

[JTL 62] Offtown rant on the mind

2013.06.18, Tuesday

So I've started to open up the paranoia point some posts before. I took a break because I was on a training what required full attention and brought things up and at my new place still there is no internet to expand on my other commitments.
I just slept near the biggest lake of Hungary called Balaton, in a sleeping bag on the beach, just like old times. Others are in the lake swimming around.

I write and see where it goes.

This summer I am taking to several kind of activities off town.
I am on holiday again, two weeks ago I was on an electronic dance festival, specialized to intense trance music with what with I had extensive 'experiences' and 'research' back then and I was literally experimented with my mind and body and substances and in that time that seemed to be one of the most practical ways to screw with my mind to able to stop it at least for some moments to see what is real but then I was dragged by the experience and as I was not aware of the methodology involved how it happened, I was not the directive principle so I was chained to circumstances, outer conditioning such as music, people, drugs, dancing.
Later on I am committed to write a book about my life back then - how I saw things, what I've realized and what I've experienced until found Desteni Universe wherein I was able to start to learn how to practically walk stopping the mind in real. But for now, I write this blog here.

The spiritual agenda what I was busy walking meanwhile had some glimpses of light about 'maybe that is the answer to not need drugs to stop and freeze my mind'-s time space of separation to get to direct experience. What I did not realize that the very starting point and methodology caused me always follow this carrot meanwhile everything is already - always here. However after all everyone had the shiny and lovey and enlighten and profound speeches as so called masters, gurus, lamas, rimpoches, priests, yogis etc but none I've found who lived these words as equal as one and being able to express it within life's all domain regardless, even within the 'matrix' as civilization, system, business, corporations, media, law, politics, money - that is also part of us - if we do not stop denying that these are directing our daily life - then we always remain powerless towards these.

All religious or spiritual, hinduist, buddhist, christian dudes - are occupied within the mind. How do I know? Because I can use common sense. Because they never engaged this world system - law, finance, politics - what is really the strongest part of us currently. We all can believe that saying OM in circle holding hands can save us all but meanwhile everything is being destroyed systematically by corporations and after the om-session we will be hungry and thirsty and in fear of not being able to feed our children and losing our land and forest and rivers and we all will dance as puppets by survival anyway as already doing so.

Back then I was this namaste-guy as well in India - everyone is god, I am god, so we are fucking gods and we respect each other but meanwhile we just really say that : I am screwed, you are screwed, I accept you as screwed, limited, dishonest,  you accept me as screwed, diverting and escaping so let us bot respect that and give permission to and even be positive and happy about it meanwhile no power we have, even over for our OWN mind - or in fact we are owned by  our mind, but hey, stay positive, as long as there is energy what with we can ride on the positive side - who cares what is going on, how million others are?
I had the program like this by the following: When I was not riding this positive attitude - I was experiencing negative stuff and I was seemed and judged by others as negative - and then my starting point was that I am how others define and see and react to me - so I wanted to seem positive - and then people reacted with positive!
When I was doing stuff what people did not like for instance clothing dirty and not working and blowing smoke - people were not that positive. Now I have job, bathroom and becoming more stable - people see me as positive again.
But then I was always fascinated by the negative as the EQAFE interviews explain it as well - one 'negative' one can ruin all the positive ones by the simple and only real and eternal principle existing in and as existence is Equality and Oneness.
So the infestation of ideas what by one is blocking to realize, to experience, to express and live this principle in all areas of existence is in fact a paranoia of: fearing from it, wanting more, wanting to control and who knows why.
Therefore the question mark is always a friend.
To question basically even as Leary described: Question authority - even the authority of your questioning mind because if there is a limit: it is always myself equal as one.

So at the dancing festival I've danced again - fascinating I've realized so much - how I was programmed to do certain patterns in order to accumulate energy and physical presence however it did not last - and I had my moments - perfect for apparently having the experience of being responsible meanwhile after all - not so - as the experience is gone of oneness and energy of be able to do anything - and when it's gone - I am occupied to wonder and prepare and re-gain it - it is not the solution - too much effort, too less gain.
And after all - especially when seeing these experiences within - it SEEMS to be divine however it is not really practical.
How many people can really practically be involved within law, business and political agenda to promote Basic Income Grant or Equal Rights and Money for all meanwhile high on acid and MDMA? It is maximum as rehabilitation but not even for remediation - as the solution is to understand the mind - not screw it- but know one thing - who is repeatedly taking even psychedelics for 'awakening' - it is obvious that not really grasping - therefore even the wisest speeches they can give but when  it is about to bring about a change within the current system - there is excuse - the  first is that it is alright, no problem, nothing to do - it is perfect - well, after visiting the poorest most abused countries in Asia - I could not accept that I am partying with shining light meanwhile people are starving - my ego is just too big to accept it - the only solution is to expand my ego so big that everyone can fit in - and to give as I would like to receive - it is simple yet powerful - however all excuses are exposed - taking the trip to enlightenment and once I reach it I will help for others - but until that I do not have to change, to question and stop my mind, my law of manifested beingness.
Because to be able to head on the world system requires CHANGE within and as SELF first - that is blocking our understanding, effectiveness, letting go of self-interest of addiction to self-defined positivism.

To meditate on peace and compassion meanwhile what is physically here is the fact of inequality and abuse more and more increasingly - brutal. And also who is high - can not do a thing what really matters for solution...
I've noticed it is quite an excuse - 'he/she is on a journey now - tripping, let her/him be' - but after all - if one is tripping from time to time for the same perceived as 'divine' experience - how comes that it dissolves for nothing if it is really divine. There are guys who use these things as party and fun and tribal experience without trying to be seen to be all knowing for those who just started this - that is better because after years doing so who is still busy to grasp the mystical experience and re-and relive it - is it really mystical if requires the same circumstances to reproduce over and over and over again?

Yeah, there is a reason for I do not really use spiritual terminology as it is deceptive by the fact that everyone has their own definitions towards positive and negative within their own self-interest but for the game of words in eastern teaching there is a force: they call it paramita - what brings you to the other side literally - meaning once you are through - you are done, you are enlighten, everything is shining, like Neo at the end of Matrix - and with acid - one's memory is quite liquified, not really solid, and this light experience is overwhelming, especially when one did not get used to it and then it is like that - and in some hours it is gone. And as one is got used to define self-life-reality - from that experience it is seamless to define from that experience - of course how defines is also of definition so the whole aspect of perceived self can be --- and must be fundamentally questioned because the human mind is not understood - science does not grasped it yet and psychology neither - many destonians walk now the path of psychology to re-align it with Life values and not mind-values, a psychology and science what is driven and pulled not by profit as now but the core of our understanding, the very manifestation of ourselves which is Self as Life as equal as all. If one does not understand how the mind takes on - one certainly becomes influenced, infested and controlled by themselves, inverted through, intensified by the very point of self-dishonesty which is the layers of the mind - thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, definitions... And the physical body here is used to contain and fuel this mind-self, even when one is taking the journey to the other side - regardless of the experience - after the energy is off - one is 'normal' again. 
What remains is a memory and some experience and references and maybe some wise thoughts - however when one defines it - it is worsening - defining the undefined is like rape - does not fit well and never embracing, never ever satisfying - what remains is that the judgment of the circumstances of the experience - the acid, the party, the people, the music, the dance - so then one should repeat that to re-experience - maybe this time one can get trough for real. But it is not possible. It is so obscene nonsense I do not even try to explain that.
Not because it is not fascinating stuff, but because currently I am on a trip again and my electricity is limited.
What is obvious that one should realize the circles and loops within he/she is moving.
There are simple tools with what one can screw one's mind without any effort if common sense is available.
The destonian questions are really cool viruses for the minds infected and programmed by and as self-interest.
What is best for all? seems to be like a philosophical question like who we are or where are we came from or what is good or what is bad - but to be able to answer this - it is required to step beyond the already programmed mind.

Drugs can shake the foundation of the mind but know one thing: it ONLY effects the mind - and if one has the starting point of the mind as memory, definition, thought, feeling - one is based on that - and even physical facts are superimposed by the perception of those.
And the an other fact is that one is so used to be the mind - even after moments of high drug experience - when the energy is gone - one is not directing self out of the mind, disregarding the thoughts (I am speaking about and to the ones who already grasped the realization that thoughts are the prison, for ones who are still fascinated and mesmerized by their own inner god speaking to themselves: start writing all thoughts out and see the robot of fear and realize: none of any thoughts can be trusted as it is the wall from reality) - because once one is here again - for me it requires quite some years to be able to express this simple thing:
Why do I return to thoughts, even when realized the self-deception within them?

Because knowing is one thing, but to see to what extent we are ensured that thoughts are reflecting back our oblivion - until we have thoughts - we are not honest with ourselves because in the moment of participation within the thought - we are the thought, we are disregarding what is real here.
But to see, realize and understand how we programmed and why ourselves to limit our very beingness to thoughts - Self-honesty. To dare to see that I was deceiving myself therefore all others and having the Will to stop. Even if we lose everything what we have - it was never real anyways as based on thoughts - what are of fear...

What is the real red pill with what there is no turning back is the Solution AS Self-honesty.
Once one grasps what it means within practical application - there is not a single occupation within one can get the same experience of refugee within the mind - it is tainted with the possibility of becoming much more but requires effort as resistances are also self.
Manifested as the repeated patterns one has carved into and as the physical body what is the only real of ourselves. Earth. Dust. Water.
So to deny reality is paranoia. Paranoia of missing what is beyond here.
The hope that there is more than who and what we are here.
The game of casino of chance to get free: for free.
Because it is obvious that we are confined - into and as this existence and none can see beyond the veil of death - after the human flesh experience what is existing - because the body is a programmed organic mind system manifestation. It is like I am a little drone in the game of Starcraft and trying to reach what is beyond the game - to try to figure out what is directing me by the basic and only available commands of me: move, stop, harvest, build, fight - to realize what is beyond the mind - requires a new paradigm.
What is screwing the mind is the physical. So then fear is programmed, implanted, resonated - that this physical is not enough, it is dirty, it is inferior - and once one is being directed or impacted by and as physical - fear is coming by.
Fear from losing the superiority from the mind.
There are people who are using their body quite consciously. Sportsman, dancers, fighters - they are perfecting the human body but not as direct body - but as self-interest of mind - fear from losing it therefore caring about it seems to be quite good thing - but it is of paranoia as well.
Am I healthy? Am I nice?I am good? Or once the good-ness is obviously exposed, conflict arise within - judgment, definition, separation - the thinker me, the thought and the subject of it - where am I meanwhile as physical?

Much much to realize and learn - just start writing - with the best tools in the universe:
At this course, discuss it with people who understand how the mind functions really, not just lovey shiny good feeling positive vibration karma energy mind enlightenment stuff - but the real deal - how to decompose and change ourselves to explore what it means to transcend.
It is not for money - it is free and actually very simple - and then write and act and explore Self-honesty as Life.

Monday, June 17, 2013

[JTL 61] Self-correction: fear within education

Continuing on decomposing my limitations regarding to learning and studying.

I start with my personal experience why I am voting to change the currently established education system. When I was kid, teachers sometimes hit the kids, myself as well - it did not damage really physically(however it did hurt) but psychologically. Since then(more than 20 years) in my country the education has changed, so it is not that rude like I had sometimes but still - it is not supporting the kids As Life and I am sure that there are still areas on Earth where this kind of abuse takes place what should not.
I see currently accepted common education as harm against Life as a tool for enslavement and as unhealthy as it promotes inequality, separation, competition, comparison, strive, fight and fear.
What comes up first is when about 10 years old I was the math teacher hit me at the board and I've hit my head into the board. He said 'stupid sheeple berta' and his face was red from being drunk and white from the chalk as he often squeezed his face with his chalky palms.
And the only thing what came up in me from that moment when he called me out to solve the math stuff that
'He is going to hit me, he might hit me in the next moment, omg, he might hit my head onto the board oh shit I must do the stuff fast before he gets crazy'
So then from that apparently I was not so good in math when I was tested  'in spoke words'.
Even at university when I had to do verbal exams I was really stressed, and many times verbally proving myself in the exam was an enormously anxious experience for me - and obviously I did not really performed well.
I do not see that only this experience was the reason that I've blocked myself down within fear and stress when I was asked in school, but until I am not releasing this reaction with 'god damn son of a bitch, holy fucking jesus christ', I am responsible. Specifically since I am aware of the Solution as Self-forgiveness. Holding onto the past within memories based on resonant fear is not Life so I am releasing unconditionally.
So let's walk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being punished from teacher if I do not know the subject or can not give the proper answer for the teacher's question.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough in school and therefore being punished.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is insane that the teacher hit me in the sake of provoking me to do the math and perform and not realizing that I could tell my mother what happened but I did not within the fear of being punished again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into inferiority and submissive when facing someone who I define as teacher and when asking becoming nervous and anxious within the fear that what if I do not know the answer properly or what if the teacher punishes me verbally or physically and there is no way out therefore accepting it as it is and suppressing everything what I feel and not understanding what is going on within me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the teachers who are hitting children are out of sanity and it is not me who has the problem but the teacher and the school system therefore I do not take it personally - I was simply a collateral damage within the system and who I was in that time provoked the teacher to exert his anger towards me and it is now only a memory within me and he is gone and I am here and there is no danger or chance to go into a situation like this again therefore I let it go, I stop reacting to it within breathing presence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to let go the judgment and the anger towards the teacher who hit me at school, not only the math teacher but other teachers as well and blaming them for the suffering I've been formed by without understanding and without able to support myself to avoid it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust in my mother and family grownups within telling them back then when teachers hit me because I was also busy blaming them as well for sending me to school where I was not understood and not assisted in the way I could develop constant self-trust, self-will and self-intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conclude that I can not really trust anyone and defining it as I can not really speak about my deepest inner experiences and reactions to other people within thinking and judgment that they do not understand me and they have no power over the experience and the circumstances I've been exposed to anyway so therefore I've defined myself to just swallow everything until it is too much and then by the exerting of the suppressed energy finding a way which through I can find the least painful experience of living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate to memorize things within school because judging it as completely useless and bullshit and resisting it by not understanding why I had to memorize all the information what is available in books any time meanwhile it is totally unrelated with day to day living especially with my personal world, desires, wants, future goals.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within currently established government-directed education system it is not about Self as Life but it is of and as the system of consciousness as the heart of the system driven by and as money, profit, greed and enslavement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the human government establishment system as must be resisted in all ways because believing that what I resist to I am protected from and not realizing that in fact I am part of this system, I am the system itself and by any perceived separation I am disempowering myself to be able to become effective and directive within and as the system and not realizing the simplest and most effective solution to amalgamate myself into and as this human system without being of the system but as Principle as Life as All as Equal as One and accumulate impact one by one within consistency.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to speak to teacher because I've defined myself as somebody who can not really speak properly and who can not the man of words and defining myself as I am not cool to express myself with people and not realizing that the way I've experienced myself so is because of the accepted self-judgments of myself constantly within and actually listening to thoughts and believing that it is me and reflect of my reality meanwhile it is of fear, it is of programmed self-sabotage by definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed myself to fear from not being able to memorize things what I've judged as bullshit and therefore literally going into machine mode and writing and saying it about a hundred times I've defined as required to be able to memorize words and when comparing myself to others who might have to repeatedly say or write things to remember only about a couple of times, I am having the reaction as thoughts as 'but then once I remember it, it will stay with me for ever' - to be able to have an innder judgment as 'positive' after a 'negative' to balance out the energetic mind as self defined as consciousness mind system within who I perceive myself to be and not realizing that I am simply here as physical manifestation of Life what can directly experience, learn and express without any judgment in every moment and one singular thought is a reflection to a self-accepted fear about separation and fear of loss based on self-judgment related to memory.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to let go all fears within me believing that I am driven by the system of avoidance - literally avoiding and dancing around the perceptions what I've defined as bad and reacting to and separating myself from based on memory meanwhile not realizing that I am not directly here, I am blocking my physical presence to absorb and integrate and learn practical skills without difficulty by filtering and reacting to the subject of learning by constantly defining myself as 'I am learning slow because this is the way I've formed and I can not learn directly especially when have to remember' - meanwhile the only thing is causing me not to learn is me by self-judgment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the way I have allowed myself to learn and study from 'life' experiences and reality is equal and one the way I've programmed myself to 'learn and study' within schooling as degrading myself into a dumb robot what can only learn when repeating until I 'fall off through the wall' of repetition after experiences of 'it is difficult, I need more time, I can not do it, It's bullshit, I could find other way, this is not my strength' and after all when I've learnt it defining it as difficult and defining myself as 'I am not good in learning fast when it's about learning knowledge and information what I do not need for surviving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only learn and study when surviving or money earning is depending on it and motivating myself by reacting to the idea of fear of not having food, shelter, goodies such as chokolete, cheese, hot water and hi-tech gadgets with fast internet what I've defined as worth fighting for and not realizing that learning and studying I've defined as fight, war, battle against my already accepted self-judgments to literally hit the knowledge into myself with almost brute force of repetition so many times that the body directly can do it without me.
I forgive myself that I have never ever considered even the possibility that it is not the mind what learns but the body and the fact that why my learning and studying ability is not flowing naturally is because I've defined and programmed my body to learn only through the mind's repetition as judgments and energies meanwhile in fact if I allow the learning to skip the mind - I as body as flesh as Life can integrate much-much faster with an ease what I do not even comprehend yet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge certain kind of areas within what I am good at learning such as what requires physical movements, reflexes, agility and dexterity and never realizing it is because within that there is not enough time for thinking, for instance as juggling, athletics, sports, dancing - because simply then I have built self-trust and confidence that I can simply learn by doing it and sleeping one and in the next day practicing it and it is naturally expanding meanwhile judging myself and my learning ability in relation to words and sentences and knowledge and information as -extremely slow and difficult and hard and exhausting and not realizing that because I had not built the same self-confidence, self-trust, self-direction within and as me based on my previous experiences, accepted self-definitions, memories, fears based on schooling system and other experiences.
I forgive myself that I have not considered that many aspects of my personality I've formed based on and according to these definitions and how I've ended up in the profession I am in currently and why I am good within that and how specifically became effective within computer programming without ever becoming curious about it or questioning why I've became the one who I am here today.
I forgive myself that I have never questioned who I am and why I am who I am based on the principle what is best for all? And questioning that who I am currently is best for me? And questioning that what practically must be done in order to who I am being what is best for me and best for all equally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can learn and motivate myself without fear or without anxiety and in fact without energy - energy of mind as result of thoughts, feelings and emotions what then compounds and requires to release when it is too much or requires me to go into specific personality definition manifestation expressions in order to react again with the specific thought-feeling-emotion-- patterns for the same energetic reaction to equate the whole matrix of perfection characters within and as who I've defined and programmed myself to be in and as this physical human body what is proven to be not the best for me or for all and accepting it every day wihout even realizing it.

Self-correction in and as the moment stop the physically programmed cycle when the programmed fear-based reaction comes 'alive' automatically.
Starting with the previously written post:
When and as I face a learning ability or type or area what I judge or define or think that not my style, I am not good within that or I am less effective within that or resisting it by 'guts' - I stop, I immediately relax my physical presence and allow breathing in and out naturally - breathing in all mind so to speak and breathing out all mind so to speak and taking direction into and as myself directly as presence without defining the situation about learning, about myself, about effectiveness. I embrace the Self-direction as Self-decision as Self-will that I am integrating knowledge and information into practicality undefined.
When and as I judge my relationship or my existing reactions towards memory - I stop - I let go and if there is a self-definition literally coming up such as 'I am ...' - it is of past, of judgment of fear - I embrace, I give myself a moment to re-align myself as the starting point as Self-direction without inner reaction as Principle as it is best for me and for all - and I live that decision with no 'remorse', I allow myself to push myself into and as direct physical presence in every inbreath, inhold, outbreath, outhold meanwhile I am here, undefined, no thoughts, judgments, feelings, energy, memory, or energetic state is required - I am here.
When and as I judge school teachers and family elders the way I am currently as their responsibility - I stop - I direct myself to let go, forgive myself for all they've done as I realize it was not personal, I forgive myself for all I've done as it was not personal but programmed into flesh - but I become aware of this programming step by step and I stop it as myself as the programmed consciousness - I stop myself as consciousness and I allow to express myself as life as physical.
When and as I fear from not being right when asked for information - I realize judgment does not help, anxiety does not help for remembering, nervousness is of fear from memories to manifest what I've judged as I have no power over to stop it - and I realize I can be directive here and when facing shit what is not best for me and all - I use common sense directly within action to prevent the shit and when it is already manifested - I realize what is physically manifested I must direct it as myself as equal as one to change otherwise it will persist as the equal and one relationship with and as myself as inner as outer.
When and as I fear from making mistake when answering within the fear of being judged as dumb or stupid - I stop, I realize it is not helping, if something I decide to learn then I give the time and expand my practical knowledge by common sense and no inner judgment is required but to re-align myself with and as breathing action in all moments equally.
When and as I see that I face difficulty within memorizing things - I remain undefined - I breathe and I study with physical integration with writing, seeing relationships between words without judgment - allowing myself to learn naturally.
When and as I resist learn or memorize something what is required - I realize it is because of the memory coming up as fear, resistance, abuse and difficulty what is not related to here for what I memorize but of my past and I let go the past and remain undefined within trusting myself as direct presence in the moment with no mind but physical flesh living and breathing unconditionally within self-direction.
When and as I see and define a limit within my learning speed and quantity - I realize I can use common sense and not the past to assist myself within learning.
When and as I define that there is too much information what my mind can not store - I realize the self-limitation can be forgiven and released and as I've defined my mind as limited by numbers - I can upgrade and expand myself as self allowing the physical of me to study directly.
When and as I compare my speed of learning with other's speed and learning - I stop it, I use common sense and I trust myself and I realize it is not a competition and there is difference between human's speed of natural learning and everyone can learn the same points equally if given enough time or consistency within the points based on understanding how learning works.
When and as I accumulate inner reactions such as judging learning itself or judging myself and defining myself as inferior related to points to study or judging myself as superior in relation to points - I realize I try to learn with energy of mind, what boosts the definitions of mind to become alive and really limit me as giving permission to limit myself by my acceptance what is not of Self-honesty or common sense therefore I stop it and direct myself to remain undefined and Self-willed, naturally, with no energy, consistently, unconditionally.
When and as I define myself as very good in logic and getting the understanding within dynamics and relationship between words but using it as positive affirmation towards myself to be able to accept myself as 'slow' within 'learning and memorizing' I realize it is a polarity system within what I am not directive but reactive based on self-accepted reactions towards circumnstances what I use as excuse and justification to not stop and expand naturally.
I commit myself to stop reacting to learning and studying with thoughts and energy - I simply learn and direct myself and if inner reaction comes up as thoughts, feelings, emotions - I realize I've compounded lack of self-direction, so I stop, I let it go and I direct myself - and if distractions arise I realize I can use common sense to expand my limits yet not allow myself to use limits as excuse for being distracted, rather than when studying, not allowing distractions but to see what and why and where I specifically go into the mind and what I do automatically to be able to stop.
I commit myself to remain undefined while learning and studying and stop allowing fear and anxiety and nervousness as sign of using personality of memory in relation to fear - and then I naturally stop it within the realization of the Solution as Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-will and Self-direction within the mathematical accumulation of 1+1=2.
I commit myself to let go all competition and comparison between me and others in terms of learning and allowing myself to understand how I work and understand what is Self-dishonesty within and why I've manifested so and how to practically stop as Self as Self-dishonesty in every moment without any excuse and without defining characters within what I do not require to stop but 'to rest' from stopping using it as backdoor from discipline as Life.
I commit myself to assist and support myself with the tools suggested by Desteni such as Self-honest assessment within writing, saying aloud and practically, physically living Self-forgiveness within stopping patterns of what proven to be not best for me and all by walking the Journey to Life each day and walk through Desteni I Process and research and share my realizations about the current education system and how to transform it to be the best for all.
I commit myself to expose the current enslavement system as manifested and defined as 'education' what is the education of consciousness systems infesting physical life opportunity as organic bodies by programming fear, judgment, separation what is certainly NOT human nature, what is NOT best for all, what is NOT unchangeable.
I commit myself to walk the Solution to Life myself as walking out from the maze of the mind consciousness step by step, day by day, breath by breath until it's done and assist and support those who are ready to do the same and stand up for all life and change the system from wihin without fight, without resistance, without violence but by taking on and embracing the current law and political system and walk through manifested resistances and accumulate impact within consistency.
I commit myself to stop the religion of self-interest what is fear from fear based on programmed physical and to walk the deprogramming of physical from the mind and any time I forget or miss myself as purpose as Life until all life is not here: I re-align myself and making sure that I do not make the same mistake again by being self-honest to see how and why the pattern I give permission to escape the responsibility I have for myself and all others equally within the principle of what is best for all.
I commit myself to see and walk practically what means to live these words I write and not write and say this but act it as naturally who I am without any judgment or condition.

Realization that the current education is based on inequality, competition and casino within the winner takes all meanwhile sucking out the life-opportunity from the others to grant illusionary power what all gives permission to by the hope of 'I can be winner also' what disregards most based on the interest of some.
To establish integrity with physical reality as breathing organism what is of Life essence and see it and experience it within my starting point in and as all equally without any interest but the only real interest of what is best for all.
Realizing that Education is the key for the ones who are busy birthing into the current system and how to practically manifest a system within the Life Education is GRANTED by simply the right of birth - by giving a Basic Income Grant in this current system wherein only those who have money can afford education and writing and practical skills to become effective and healthy and successful.
Realizing that we must stand together as group to agree on what is the most important as Life and grant access for Education for Life for all equally.
Realizing that one can not trust within any existing self-definition about self, others, the word, purpose or excuse we face - because it is programmed into the flesh without even realizing how it's been done and until we practically not understand it - we unable to re-align ourselves to what can be consistent, without energy simply naturally breathing All-life-based starting point therefore to walk through already manifested systematic manifestations of self: A dedication, a commitment and discipline must be expressed within the interest of oneself and all equally and it's practical way is Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-correction first within the conscious, subconscious, unconscious, quantum and physical mind to access Life what we really are.
Realization that the group of equals for All Life can only become and remain effective within the current system by being financialized otherwise nothing really moves therefore seeing practical ways to support Equal Life Foundation, Equal Life Party and Basic Income Grant to manifest an Equal Money System wherein each can have a dignified life having access to what requires to really living such as food, shelter, water, real education, health care.