Day 4 - Self forgiveness: smiling
I was among a lot of people for the last days and I was able to notice several self-dishonesty within.
When I see someone and looking at her and him and I do smile - is of judgment - basically it is a reaction, a coverup for a judgment.
I see someone and then I think she is a very nice girl and then I smile at her - self-interest. If I would define her as ugly - I might not smile at her at all - maybe within the fear that then she might come over and then I have to deal with an ugly woman - however if the woman is very nice - then if I smile, she might be pleased that I appreciate her, probably assuming that I smile at her because finding her as attractive.
Or I see someone and I see it is a child and he/she is cute, so I smile because I experience this 'cute-ness' - meanwhile it even can happen that the child experiences some shit like anger or pain but as the event looks as picture - I pre-judged as cute and then this word comes alive within me and towards 'cute' there is the inner reaction as 'good feeling' - linked to the child - regardless of reality based on pictorial judgment. Fascinating.
Also it's like someone is throwing away garbage - near the garbage can and in fact not into the can - and then I judge the person - that 'this scumbag is a bastard' - pure self-judgment projected out - and the person might not be doing the best for all - but how we can be sure without self-honest, common sensical investigation - and maybe the person is throwing away the thing NEAR the can to bring up the demonic reaction within: anger, hate, dislike, obsessed with judging stuff already pre-defined within projected out.
So it is fascinating diversion from the inner truth - and many do this in the social circles I am currently participating - spiritual, yoga, hippie, musician people - they are all so positive and nice with each other, it's like the glue of positive reactionary ocean within people swim meanwhile the inner is in fact nothing else but self-interest insuranced by outer positive feedback dynamics by the values they/me judge as important/beautiful - meanwhile the important values, what are required to bring about a real change in the system are neglected, judged as not so nice such as principled living, consistency and walk on earth with two feet all the time and not go into the energetic state of positive or negative judgment of inner reactions based on words and relationship through words based on first years of childhood, based on 'self-evoluted' values what makes the ones feel the best as possible.
Obviously there are exceptions and even anomalies within this dynamics - to balance out the masses within this fuzzy logic system of matrix of personalities as for instance someone adores chicks within short skirt with big boots meanwhile some is programmed to like the long, hiding eastern clothes or more clear can be sexual preferences - as some likes the furry man or pussy or some likes the bald - there is always a judgment within what causes the specific reaction and one can debate and justify - but in fact it is stimulated, conditioned and programmed into matrix of characters what are triggered by outer circumstances.
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