I've noticed that there is a relation between breathing within physical self-presence and tiredness.
I've also noticed that many times I wake up - I am not really myself as Self-direction.
How horrible and gruesome can be to acknowledge to oneself this very statement that I am becoming aware that I am awake yet I am not myself.
This is a very new territory within myself to explore so even words were never to describe this but after almost a week in the forest without any tasks to do I was able to notice and become conscious about it and within writing I am stabilizing and remembering this realization without any thoughts and backchat. Mostly because I can not trust within my own thoughts - even the very vivid ones are related to outer conditions and inner circumstances - therefore to 'make' a specific thought-pattern is not really easy within my current state therefore many apparent 'realizations' I think through and after some moments it is gone and there is a quite some amount of time until I will have the opportunity to become aware of it.
And it might work if I would have about a thousand years to become aware of all details and layers of my created-self but actually is not - I am already 33 years old so let's be practical and stick to this reality. I should and in fact must grasp all the most effective assistance and tools to practically stabilize my realization of walking out of the mind system to get actual direct physical reality as self as life as fast as possible because my days, my breathes are numbered and after all I will simply decay. So let us not waste any more introduction and jump into the middle of it.
I use words to describe as a feeling and will specify then and self-forgiveness with I will open up the responsibility points to prepare for self-correction and become aware of it once and for all.
My nose is stuck - not really nausea but some sort of - and taking a breath seems to be difficult and really takes effort and full awareness, like each tiny particle and segment of the actual pyhsical action of taking the breath - it is like I divide a second to 1000 parts and each parts I must literally push myself through my nose - and my chest is raising and lowering and the air I push through my nose - trying to make a path of air - and as I am pushing - I am focusing onto this physical breathing and meanwhile I let go of thoughts - and then I realize I've been constantly following thoughts - for minutes - from dream state to actually be awaken and even walking around, maybe already sitting on an underground and once I realize that holy shit where am I?
Mostly I come to the conclusion that I am kind of numb, tired, my mind is some sort of dirty, noisy, rude and slow, imprecise and I am suppressive, submissive and reactive.
After a point - it feels like I am sort of 'charged up' and energized to a level wherein I just remember all of the stuff I've been through - it is like my whole lifetime I am walking again - and when first I've taken my greatest sufferings and all the psychedelic drug experiences wherein there were some sort of clean moments wherein I actually am empty and everything is within me and I am undefined - and then this whole process was about 23 years to face - and then less and less time required to walk through the same circle and it SEEMS like this circle is repeating more and more faster - but it is still the same: I become aware of Self-direction and presence as requirement of inner purification - and I walk it and then I lose it and then I am automated again - what mostly nobody can notice.
And then I come to the same point wherein I realize holy shit I am automated and I can stop and direct myself and change myself.
The whole psychedelic years were like trying to automate myself, to perfect myself to program myself to a perfect awareness machine - still within the belief that after all I will be able to just sit back and observe meanwhile direct it with my intention and never considering the separation and actually to be the movement all the time is the key.
So this program is still like if I feel awkward, shitty, bad, hard, difficult, negative - I go into this some sort of 'more awareness' state wherein I am able to re-program myself and when things seems to be like I should be headed to - I pull back and just hope that as this 'vector' I've started to push myself into as direction - will get me what I want and not realizing that at the moment I let it go, let myself 'go' - I am letting the automated self again to take over and even if I change parameters within or even some definitions and rules:
awareness can not be programmed into and as me;
only breath by breath as presence as direction is required and in fact myself as direction is the key to be awareness - by practically transcending the mind in each moment by fully understanding myself within each situation - and it is not just like 'once I take the red pill it will be the other side' - that is self-dishonesty because I am not here in each moment because within myself I am me, not the moment itself - as the moment is never real without me.
So enough the philosophical stone - back to practical breathing.
Breathing is difficult and my nose is a bit stuffed with things what must be blew out or picked up - and there are extensive amount of self-definitions about only being this aware of breath character when my nose is clean, I am not tired and I am already through the conclusion of thoughts are prison and uncomfortable.
That's why I am not really returning to presence as breath because these conditions by I have defined my awareness.
Today I had this - just returned to my new home from the forest where I've accommodated to living there in tent, no housing, electricity, nothing really, only springs of water, food, fire and sleeping bag with tent - and lots of plants, insects, birds - I've started to program myself to be aware in those circumstances - fresh air, windy, natural environment.
And then I've came back into this flat, confined rooms, warm air, nothing but my belongings, no plant, no insect, no sun, no moon, no stars.
Today I've felt quite sleepy and tired - I've eaten and went back to sleep, and then packed around and cleaned up some and went back to sleep again.
Now watched half a movie and eaten and had a coffee and decided to write - to start writing - but still if I skip 'push' myself as decision - I start to feel sleepy and tired and want to lie down in the bed and fall asleep for a half an hour.
If I do not drink enough water - it is also like this - so I start to drink water.
After having the cycle for taking a pee and drinking water - I am hydrated and start to focus to my breathing really and coming out from the thoughts.
This is not typical - more and more I wake up in the morning as 'okay stop thoughts/dreams' and I am disregarding thoughts already - or having thoughts but as I am acting and doing things - thoughts are not really relevant but still influencing - or I wake up with no thoughts immediately that also can happen - even sometimes I am already in the subway meanwhile had not really thoughts - and it does not mean I am self-realized - that would take much more consistency to actually stabilize my constant walk out of the mind of thoughts...
Also this idea that I must push and direct breath meanwhile I am 'focusing' to breathing is already self-definition and of separation as self-dishonesty.
And this is the case only when I am alone - when someone else is here with me - I am quite fast giving up internal programs and focus to physical and the other but still can occur that I listen and follow thoughts especially when I get used to the other one or I have nothing from the other to get and then I start to be bothered about the things apparently I can not do what I can when I am alone and that compounds and then I start to focus to be able to be alone and do my things.
Next thing is that thoughts can come mostly when I lie down in the bed - regardless of what I want to do - if I am alone - thoughts come - and then I think and then mostly I want to sleep and then I simply stop the thoughts and then I feel tired and fall asleep.
So it looks like I use thoughts to shepherd myself energetically towards desired directions or use the 'no thoughts' 'state' to be able to act according to my interest.
Self-forgiveness: sleep, thoughts, tiredness, breathing:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define tiredness as an excuse to not breath naturally within physical presence as practical way of disregarding thoughts as the result of empty mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use tiredness as a reward for myself to have an excuse to take rest wherein I allow myself to follow and being stimulated by thoughts as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by thoughts I am stimulating myself with energy and to stop that energetic stimulation I experience a lack what I've defined as tiredness because then the self-automation system is not effective.
I forgive myself that I have never ever considered that I have programmed myself to react to each possible circumstances in my life to react with thoughts and by the energetic reaction of thoughts I am activating specific self-definition systems of personality within what automatically comes alive to tell me and direct me who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and build up my personalities upon to a energetic state of hope that with thoughts and characters driven by self-judgments and self-definitions as thoughts I can get what I want and I can get to a state where it is taken granted and I can lean back and just enjoy the work without needing to work again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project relaxing and resting to the future wherein I will just get without giving and I will my dreams fulfilled and whenever I face difficulty, I imagine this dream of mine and reacting to it with positive reactions I feel energetic and then experiencing myself as good and judging everything as 'alright' and 'nothing to change' or 'reconsider' therefore remain within and as personalities of the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that relaxing and experiencing my body as relaxed and without stress, anxiety and fear can only be experienced when I am doing literally nothing and never ever considering that within self-directed action I can be relaxed and free of stress, anxiety, fear and fully present as myself.
I forgive myself that I have never considered the common sense within decomposing and understanding and deprogramming my already manifested conditioning towards my environment, my requirements and my energetic inner reactions to be able to stop it and explore what is beyond automation.
I forgive myself that I have never considered specifically take apart my daily living such as waking up, lieing in the bed, walking, doing specific daily activities and see and explore within self-honesty about what actually I am doing and the patterns I repeat based on my interest and belief systems.
I forgive myself that I have never considered the possibility that if I disregard breath as self as physical here - then I regard something what is not breath as self as physical here what is not really myself but of conditions what are formed and shaped me without me being aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not gift the time to myself to decompose my daily living and forgiving each aspect of self-definitions and beliefs and practically stopping each part of myself what is not self-directed but automated by circumstances and in fact not supporting me as all as equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require physical force in order to breath properly and by that force pushing and literally blowing the air through myself in order to disregard thoughts within the belief that I require force against the already manifested force of my thoughts as self-inversion as mind consciousness system to stop the separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define lieing on bed as thinking or sleeping only and never considering being inner silent meanwhile resting my body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within physical action I escape from the acceptance of thoughts, because judging physical action as good against thoughts because being occupied with the body and it's senses meanwhile defining thinking as not effective.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I stop thinking only when I act physically and never considering acting physically breathing here within the self-direction of being relaxed.
I forgive myself that I have never explored to direct myself to remain here as presence as expression without accepting thoughts and when thoughts come waiting for them to pass over or following thoughts to get to conclusions from where hoping to not need to think because then apparently 'solving' issues within and not realizing that only creating layers of self-definitions what is not related to reality but of already accepted layers of self-dishonesty through giving permission to think instead of act directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do require force and energy and attention and pushing to overcome thoughts and not considering to simply allow my body to breathe naturally meanwhile remain here as presence without any force, energy, attention, focus, pushing and within that never see/understand/realize that by the very act of 'overcome' I am participating within polarity within the starting point of accepting myself by giving permission to thoughts to move within and wanting to equalize instead of seeing within myself as self-intimacy about what exactly those specific thoughts show me equal and one with me as reality what I am not standing within self-direction as equality and oneness therefore correction within physical and stopping is required to explore, manifest and stabilize while remaining undefined.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up as thoughts and not present and allowing myself to wake up, walk and act meanwhile being occupied, influenced by and directed through thoughts and never realizing that the solution is here as stopping myself as the very specific thoughts one by one and there is no way around, no way to overcome, force through or balance out but each one to understand, decompose, forgive and stop moment by moment and remain within the stopping until it is removed completely such as thinking about things what I forget, and thinking about points what I must do during the day and wanting to memorize the to do list by thinking about it instead of use physical body to remember such as writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuse to think that I do not have time to write down and thinking that having the thoughts about it and reacting with another thoughts to these thoughts are same effective as writing down specifically what I want to do and remember.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I do not direct myself in this state of who I am currently - then the direction of mind as thoughts, emotions and feelings will direct me what is not really me but of self-dishonesty of past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about things what happened already and judged those by positive or negative such as I did like those or I did not like those because of something and not realizing that the very act of thinking such indicates that I had judgment what is not related to the thing what I judged but only myself therefore I am realizing that within the very act of thinking about it I am exposing myself of fear from facing directly it because without judgment I might experience it as it is and I wanted to have the interest to specifically react to it the way I've defined the best for myself and accepted and allowed myself to program this into and as my physical to automatically do so without ever questioning it and myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and act within the acknowledgement of not being fully myself instead of stopping and releasing and disregarding what is not me here and re-aligning myself with and as self-direction as physical presence here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define horrible and gruesome the self-judgment of myself not being myself here instead of stopping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from acknowledging that I am not here as self-direction as presence but of programmed automations of past-conclusions based on thought patterns because if I could dare to acknowledge to myself that I am not fully myself here then I'd do something about it because to accept myself as not really myself would cause me to discomfort, frustration and then I'd push myself to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to the conclusion that I am not myself who I am manifested here and never realizing that the very manifestation of myself is actually the truth of me therefore equal as one supporting me to face myself within and as the physical who I really am as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my presence according to and dependent on my nose is stuck or not.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that to define myself and my presence and self-direction based on the air can come and go through or not is self-dishonesty because it is of self-definition to telling me who I am according to my nose's state and projecting responsibility towards my nose and the air how can go through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge myself regarding to how my nose is fully of stuff or not and conditioning myself and my breath and my presence and who I am regarding to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my self-direction and presence must be conditioned to how much water I take and how hydrated I am and how my nose is free to breath through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed because of picking my nose because my mother always told me not to meanwhile I've always noticed that I am less tired if I can breath through my nose with less effort if it is clean so defining myself according to my nose's cleanness and fearing from anybody noticing that I am picking my nose and never realizing that I can use common sense and if it is not accepted to do so in public then I can do it at places where it is accepted such as toilet, bathroom etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself regarding to picking my nose and become addicted to picking my nose because defining it as it gives me energy because when not doing so and therefore my nose would be filled with stuff then I would not be able to breathe through my nose naturally therefore if my nose is full and not being able to clean it then defining it as negative energy or myself becoming energetically less or more tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to hate to breathe through my mouth and when I have to do so then defining myself as less effective, less aware and less energetic and less present and not using common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility to be myself here as self-direction based on the air I can take through my nose or not based on how my nose is filled and never realizing that I can direct myself to use common sense and not allow myself to be defined who I am by any circumstances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as numb, acceptive, submissive when I am not able to breath through my nose freely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop acting and be physical by going into experiences of thoughts, feelings and emotions within the hope that it will be good for me and not realizing that it is self-interest based on energy of accumulation of self-dishonesty of past.
So after this one I will get back to my drugs and paranoia series as I have still much to share and walk the correction.
2013.06.24: Being here is who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as not being self-directive in every moment of every breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to difficult to describe the experience how and why exactly I am not directing myself in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be practical within this world and never realizing that if I disregard physical reality, I am disregarding myself equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that without writing myself within consistency – I do not have a chance to walk through the mind as it is designed to not transcend within a lifetime without assistance and dedication and discipline.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider that the number of my breathes are finite and never realizing that if I do not live by and as principle – then I am allowing myself to waste myself within the disregard of myself as life as principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as numb, tired and dirty while accepting and following and reacting to thoughts and never considering the choice to actually disregard thoughts and stop participate by realizing what is the starting point and the reason of these thoughts and realize that I must do something about it to stop them as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within path of evolution within I am reaching the awareness by walking through the same path all the time and always faster, quicker and more direct instead of using common sense and stop directly and discipline myself to not start any path towards any result of stopping but directly stopping myself without any path.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within psychedelic path wherein I can use chemical substances to help myself to stop the cycles of thoughts and mistakes by boosting myself or stopping myself or liquefying myself meanwhile not being able to fully understand how I am doing so within the hope that I do not need to be aware of each and every single detail of my own creation and the reason for who I’ve became here by simply taking substances and using it’s effect to overcome difficulties what I’ve defined as I can not transcend by and as myself without the substance and it’s effect to my mind and never realizing that what effects the mind is still of and as the mind and by this I am still accepting the mind to be directive and I am not here as self-direction as absolute self-will and self-honesty because there is this condition by what I am limited, directed and separated by from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my breathing is difficult because I’ve walked into my mind deep and to walk out of it requires energy and force to ‘come back to surface’ and playing this energetic game to ‘go into’ and ‘walk out’ meanwhile my breath is in fact always here regardless of my mind or where I put my starting point to – I am always breathing and the question and choice is that where is my starting point as self-direction as what I am aware of – the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions as starting point or physical presence as reality as breath as body as me as all others equal as one here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define waking up in the morning as a process wherein my dream is transforming into thinking and by thinking becoming more and more energetic and from a point by this energetic state I define myself as awaken therefore being able to direct myself by the mind through who I’ve defined myself to be without needing to think about it but programmed into the body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in and as one moment and being here completely, fully, without any path, process or progress – simply I am here and I am directing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define directing myself as always moving physically and not realizing that I can direct myself to REMAIN here without moving any particular body part or even walking/crawling/running anywhere but being here and being aware of the body is already self-direction.
I forgive myself that I have never realized that I have never explored self-direction meanwhile not moving my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing myself and falling into the universe when I am not moving my body and not thinking but being here, remaining here, directing myself to remain here and experience myself here and express myself as being: HERE.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/believe that I do require energy to be here, to remain here, to direct myself to be and remain here and never realizing that I am always here and it is who I am – therefore the very energy what I defined is required is the opposite for: to not be here as myself but of and as energy of mind as not real but of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can lie on the ground or in the bed or anywhere meanwhile not thinking and not requiring energy to remain here.