Wednesday, June 26, 2013

[JTL 63] Being with others and reacting

2013.06.21, Friday
I am in the forest with some people for some days where is sometimes tension and I have the opportunity to see how I participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I fear from directing the situation around when it is emotional and I am apparently clear and becoming observer and waiting to be over as I did when I was kid meanwhile thinking that I do not have directive power over others and after some time it will go away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts to automatize myself in order to avoid fear and overcome the feeling of not having power over the situation around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that others will stop raging emotions and then I will be free of the reactions to emotions and not realizing that then I am conditioned to others and how others start or stop being reactive and not realizing that in fact I am reactive and projecting self-responsibility to be influenced and wait for stop stop in an as a disregarding myself and what is reacting within me in each breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from remaining alone if I do not accept emotions to be directive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at moments I fear from myself if I do not follow predefined patterns then I will have to fear more therefore listening to thoughts therefore not being here by that manifested fear of and as mind of thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that any given moment I am not here as continuous presence - I am automated of thoughts of fear what must be walked backwards moment by moment each, one by one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the physical is the key as breath as principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from living with others because then emotional storms happen within people argue and shout and blame and tension and anxiety and fear is in the air which from I feel and defined myself to feel that I am being exhausted, tainted by and focused to as negative.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow within my living quarters therefore the principle is simple - what I accept and allow is my responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to dominate down who argue and shout by shouting them more loud and strong to listen to me who is saying: stop it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself to shout others in order to stop them arguing because I think that if I am not here then they will continue it anyways and only what I can gain is that they do not want to be with me because I am getting mad - and not realizing that if I will be alone because not accepting emotional arguments then my starting point is here - no emotional argument.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as emotional when I would raise my voice to others in order to stop them being emotional because what if in fact I am becoming emotional by them and then saying them to not be emotional while I am emotional and anxious looks like a contradiction and fearing that what if they would say to me that 'Tala, in fact you are emotional and anxious' and not using common sense and principle and Self-honesty in every breath here to avoid conflict within me and then around me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that I am playing the character of being good for accepting people around me within the hope that it will be good and they will be nice because that is what I want for me therefore thinking they want the same from me and if I will be nice and kind by default then they will be the same.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that mostly within sexual desire and hope for sexual connection I accept to be socially compromise and allow people to direct here and me first and then if it is abusive then reacting to it and then judging my reaction and then wanting to stop it and eventually direct the situation what is best for me - and never realizing it is because of the hope and fear :
-hope that they will be cool with me as I would like to receive
-fear from directing the circumstances, myself, my direction and even the interaction with others because then they would judge and react to me as controller, dictator, dominant
and never realizing that I always push myself down to compromise what is supporting me in order to remain within the character of being accepted, nice, kind and helpful within the hope that then everybody will be eventually the same with me believing within a some sort of karma and not realizing that within the law of attraction I pull people around me who direct me within their interest meanwhile they hope that I will be nice with them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if emotions and fear is expressed around me the common sense is to see that is it directing me or not - and if so then my existing relationship first is to deal and sort out and if I am clear and empty then I can see what is going on with others to assist and support but only then - otherwise my responsibility here is only my reaction and my programming to decompose, understand, forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being self-honest and intimate with myself within any given moment to be able to see that an upcoming thing in the mind is my issue or others.

I commit myself to stop reacting to emotional exerting of others automatically - I stop giving the permission to my programmed mind body to react with emotions by suppression and waiting and I start directing.
I commit myself to stop fearing from raising my voice within the belief that if I shout then I am bad by understanding that if I am clear within - I trust myself undefined and even if it looks like I am going too far - I still trust myself that I walk the principle of stopping within and expressing with out.
I commit myself to see and realize when I am falling through over the horse from suppressing to exerting and stop and re-align myself to forgive myself to return to moment as clear and empty within and embrace the presence undefined as principled living within common sense based consideration of what is best for all and me equal as one breath by breath.
I commit myself to direct my live within principle and stop fearing from not being accepted if I stand up for and as principle.
I commit myself to direct situation within common sense at my living quarters without fear from being rejected by others.

Meanwhile I am able to slow and stop within - and finding relaxation within constant action.
The only thing is required to consider my body's limitations and everything else is here - except electricity and internet and mobile network. My limitations I can face within extreme strong sunlight versus my very white skin and my left pointing finger has some serious dysfunction since a while and quite painful it is while using it.
Ticks are everywhere, many-many - even repellents are not holding these tiny monsters back and they love children's blood especially.

We have a very blessed place wherein are multiple fountains.  Yesterday I've helped to clean the little stream and today will continue. I just walked into the nearest village for about 5 km-s - but here is still no mobile network(therefore internet) but at least I can charge up these gadgets to write some.

I enjoy to work in nature - yesterday gathered lots of woods and made fire, cooked, dig and cleaned the stream,  today will clean some bushes and clean the stream more and bring rocks into it.

Back at home at my new flat there is still no cable connection until Tuesday, so I do not hurry - only what bothers me is my writing habits regarding to course and commitment assignments but from next week I will be able to continue each night.
Many things seems to change within - what I see as most important is my drive for find a woman is less - even here in the camp women are not really clothed - I do not feel the urge and the need and obsession towards sex.
I've always noticed that within the city I am more focused to women and sex within my mind than on countryside so this will be a Self-honesty writing walk soon.
The addiction to orgasm seems to fade as well - What I look within is that is this a suppression or a self-honest expression to stop what is not here as relevant in the moment.
Man, how much energy is involved within the sexual mind - once it is released I am not really that changing.
It is really like being lifted from possession.
It is fascinating because here is some nudism and I do see some titties and pussy but not really matters - just bodies - and sometimes I still see my eyes and head moving automatically to specific body parts of women what I've defined as energetically charging but I am continuously releasing.
It is a process - and only self-honesty can assist within seeing that what I can stop in the moment and not using 'path of attainment' as excuse to not stop in and as the moment entirely.

The remaining thing to write today is that I am starting to have a 'capacity' and attention towards my daily waking up process.
Recently I experience it - as no alarm I use in the forest - is that I sleep, I wake up, then I sleep back and then I wake up because my thoughts are getting more and more loud and after all I wake up because I'm fed up with this thinking all the time as annoys me.
It does not have direction or particular topic - it SEEMS to flow randomly about things in my life - like a twisted echo machine.
I sleep still not too much - about 6-7 hours - but for me it is too much - but I've defined that this time I allow myself to just see how and when I wake up.
I even had verbal expression towards others that I might want to wake up before the sun and take some sunrise footages with my camera but not really.

When I started to walk with Desteni, I have found very practical and useful and supportive to say Self-forgiveness-Sleeping wherein there is this:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as moment as me, as breath as me.

I have said it for many days and when I did it - it assisted  - and still there are times when I do take a short nap for instance for 15-30 minutes - and I wake up - I am empty - and I wake up and I act - no thoughts.
But it is not consistent, and in the mornings it only occurs when I use alarm being set on asking me to wake up after 4:30-6:00 hours sleep.

But I must investigate the morning thoughts one by one specifically and de-weed myself one by one.
Even many times I see dreaming is also a some sort of thought-stream but more vivid it's like a mind-state wherein thoughts are more colored and less just like this voiceless-speaker in my head as backchat.

So a backchat diary is required to follow and see the patterns and see the conditions what with they arise for what reason and what is what I do not direct in my life and reflects back through and as the thoughts of mind.
Alright, my charger is getting finished on almost all batteries so I am taking the 5 km walk back to the forest to make some fire and chapati and dig stream and cut grass more and see what comes next.

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