Thursday, January 27, 2011

elkülönülés

az már egy jó jel lenne, ha az öngyilkos mint szó fel sem merülne benned belül sem meg kívül sem

az mindig elme
akik öngyilkosok lettek, azok mind azért, mert engedtek az elmének - elhitték, hogy azok a gondolatok igazi önmaguk, engedelmeskedtek a gondolatoknak, az érzéseknek, elhitték, bevették, bebukták

az igazi életnek ez eszébe se jutna sose ilyen - melyik fa lesz öngyilkos?

de nem baj - legalább látszik, hogy miben vettél menedéket - az elmében, mert máskülönben nem jutna a szádra ilyen

de ha elviselem - én is felelős vagyok - úgyhogy nem

szóval nekem ez lenne az agreement, hogy nincs energia, stimuláció, manipuláció, és kőkeményen megmondom, nem tűröm és vissza-reflektálom neked, amit elfogadsz magadban, és valójában csak egy rárakat, egy program, ezért én az Élet kiindulópontjából, egységben és egyenlőségben, öntudatosságban és felelősségben megmutatom neked, hogy mennyire elképesztően elfogadtad magad olyannak, ami nem az élet - és lehet, hogy kemény és brutál - de ezáltal támogatlak -

ehhez kell az évek agreementje - hogy a két ember ráérezzen, meddig lehet tolni, és amikor már nagyon intenzív, akkor kiállni a másik mellett, megölelni, de közben mondani, hogy azt nem fogadom el és tolni a másikat, hogy változzon, mert ez így nagyon bukás - aztán amikor rájön a másik is, akkor együtt tolni a pontot, eldönteni, hogy "én akármi lesz, abbahagyom"


nekem pl kb kiskorom óta, amikor ítélem magam, "rágódom", akkor előfordul, hogy rágom a számat belül - nem nagyon, sosem sebes pl, csak kicsit - de akkor is van ritkán -- fáradtság, meg amikor ahelyett, hogy tettben fejezném ki magam - ítélem magam, megítélem a helyzetet gondolatokkal, magamat "most rosszul csináltam"
vagy "nem kellett volna", vagy "jaj de hülye vagyok" vagy egyáltalán bármiféle elfojtás, ami gondolatban, gondolatsorban nyilvánul meg -- az mindig önáltatás, önemésztés -- mert valójában pontosan tudom, hogy ebben a helyzetben nem KIfejezem, hanem BEfolytom magamba a dolgot - ezért bennem marad, engem mardos - de mi?
az én kifejezésem nem lett KI-fejezbe, hanem BElefolytottam magamba - és ez megfojt, fogalmam sincs, hogy LY vagy J - és ezt megszokom - és nem a fizikai valóságba tolom magam, egyként és egyenlőként, mert úgy ítéltem meg, hogy az elkerülendő - és aztán ezt megszokom és nem bízok a kifejezésemben, nem bízok magamban feltétel nélkül - hanem agyalok, előbb mérlegelek, előbb megítélek, majd döntök és cselekszem - de addigra a pillanat, mint önmagam - már nincs itt, csak az ítélkezés eredménye, logika, érzelmek alapján - ami mindig korlátolt, mindig késő, mindig csak egy közelítés, egy feltételezés, mindig egy elképzelés
és a végén már belül egy egész világ teremtődik bennem, egy leképezése a valóságnak, aszerint, hogy ez előtt hogy és mit folytottam el - és épül, nől a belső tér, az elme dimenzió - csak, hogy közben a külső valóságban nem vagyok 100% jelen, nem fejezem ki magam - és ezért nem kapok közvetlen visszajelzést magamról a valóságban - a többiektől, a világtól - ezért látszólag "kockázat nélkülibb", "biztonságosabb" csak rágondolni arra, mintsem megtenni - nem fejberúgni azt, akit nem szeretek, mondjuk a főnökasszonyt, mert úgy ítéltem meg, hogy az nem jó, mert blablabla - de belül meg van egy másik verzióm ahhoz képest, amit kifele mutatok - képmutatás - ön és mások becsapása - abszolút elkülönülés - és persze így fokozatosan elveszítem az irányítóelvet a külső valósággal - szolga leszek, mások használnak, dolgozom baromságot, pénzért - mások kifejezésében vagyok fogaskerék, ahelyett, hogy önmagam kifejezésének valóságában élnék

így nézve egyértelmű, hogy a belső reakciókat amíg abszolút és konstans nem hagyom abba, addig nem is foghatom fel az "objektív" valóságot, és objektívan most azt értem, hogy ami ténylegesen történik - konnotációk, reakciók, gondolatok nélkül - ezáltal már azt tapasztalom, ahogy én látom -

egyrészt azért, mert már a percepciómat is változtatnom kellett, csak, hogy elviseljem magam így, másrészt, meg azért, mert nem bízok abban, hogy ha kifejezem magam, akkor az én vagyok - pl ha lerúgnám a főnökasszony fejét - akkor kirúgna, beperelne, stb - ami elsőre elég beteg, de ha túl sokáig elfojtom, akkor sajna lehet, hogy nem lesz más út, mert annyira felhalmozódik az energia, hogy az egyszercsak kitör, mert nem bírom tovább - és akkor az jön, nem néz, és nem tudom irányítani, magammal egyenlően a saját kifejezésem

tehát ezt a folytonos harmóniát magammal és a magam és a külvilággal való viszonyomat kell engednem visszaállni úgy, hogy tolom magam kifele - a fizikai valóságba - nem a szomorkodó, depressziós, energiahiányos magam erősíteni, megmagyarázni, másokat hibáztatni, magamat hibáztatni -
mert akkor egy idő után újra beáll, hogy a kifejezésemnek a fizikai valóságban újra van azonnali következménye, ami szinte fizikailag is tapasztalható, és arra lehet újra azonnal egy kifejezéssel válaszolni

ez a valóság - a folytonos response-ability, ez a felelősség, a responsibilty

tehát ha elfogadom magam, mint szomorkodás - akkor én a szomorúság vagyok - akkor a szomorúsággá váltam - és azt kell megértenem, én személyesen hogy voltam és vagyok felelős ezért, miért nem engedem el ezt a koncepciót
miért és hogyan vettem benne részt elsősorban - mert a teremtés mindig ilyen

én vettem benne részt, én fogadtam ezt el, én engedtem meg magam ebben kifejeződni(vagy elfojtódni), és ugyanúgy, ahogy ez lett, pontosan ellentétesen cselekedve újra vissza tudok jutni a kiindulópontba, ahol realizálom - basszus, ez csak egy eldöntés, ez csak egy pont volt, ahonnantól kezdve így definiáltam magam és így maradtam

tehát ez a teremtő, mint én,
a teremtés, mint tett, vagy nem tett
és mint teremtett valami, vagy teremtmény, ami fizikailag létrejött (az, hogy szomorkodom, az, hogy magamat ilyennek látom, vagy akármi)

mind ugyanazt tükrözi - azt, amivel eggyé és egyenlővé váltam és az én felelősségem és amíg nem állítom helyre az equilibriumot, az egységet és egyenlőséget magamban magammal és a kifejezésemmel - addig igazából nincs is hatalmam önmagam felett, nincs is esélyem, hogy abszolút tudatosságban létezzek - és addig mindig csak a korlátaimat tapasztalom - ezáltal a lét így van kiegyensúlyozva, hogy mindenki a saját valóságának foglya, ezáltal nem nől túl a saját teremtésén, vagyis saját magán

tehát rajtad áll, hogy elfogadod-e magad a saját korlátaidon - mert ha megnézed, mindig te vagy, az aki korlátol abban, hogy kifejezd magad - még ha ez elsőre egy külső oknak is tűnik - akkor attól a felismeréstől, hogy te vagy ezért a felelős - úgy védekezel, hogy úgy szemléled magad, hogy attól, ami korlátol, elkülönítetted magad -
de ez a szemléletbeli elkülönülés, a közvetlen, direkt, nem definiált tapasztalás hiánya az, ami által úgy is cselekszel, mintha elkülnülve lennél a korlátaidtól

ebből kiindulva egyértelmű: azokat a szemléleteket kell elengedni, nem részt venni bennük, amik által elkülönülve érzed magad a teremtésedtől, a valóságodtól - és őszinteségben, tudatosságban megérteni, ez hogy lett, és elengedni, megbocsátani, leállni és felfedezni, mi is van a létben

ezért fontos az írás - a belsőm kiírom és ami nem kézzel fogható - most "az" lesz, mert itt van, stabilan, és ezáltal megfigyelhető, hogy működöm, mi az, ami befolyásol, mi az, ami nem - mi állandó, mi nem

Monday, January 24, 2011

I Stopped for a moment today in bed

Today, after returning from work, finally I brought home to my 'final' piece of music instrument, a high quality pre-amp for my new microphone - and I did cook, but until I could not try the microphone out - I did not eat, rather I did some gChat with my partner, Suszti, she was telling me that she is feeling becoming mad, and I ensured her with tons of smiles that she is already mad, no problem, let's develop infinite self-will and move self within self honesty - but then she was off to make her child to sleep, and I was about to wire in the new mic and the preamp, but then I realized: I do not have the XLR cable for it - I lend my microphone cable with my old mic a week ago, so then I jumped out to the nearby music shop to get another one - then I came home, tested it out - works brilliantly - at least some quality....

So then I made and ate a pasta, then I did take a nap - I do this when I 'feel' tired, especially when my eyes are tired from all day watching screens.
So, then I woke up - and I did not move - I took my 'time', then I realized, I was not moving.

I did take a nap because I wanted to do many things tonight - then I did not move after waking up, about 5-10 minutes - thats' odd, I noticed, so then I started to see what is happening. There was no energy, no urge, no desire, no fear, no reason to move me - so I did not move. It was obvious: I must move me by Self-Willed Decision.

In these cases I have the 'feeling' of I am extremely tired - what can be because of exhaustion by depriving my sleeps - or simply no energies to move me.
So I took my time and to be sure - I did take one more small nap, then I woke up and I still felt 'unnaturally' tired.
In this case - it also can be that I did not drink enough water, so I am dehydrated, so I pushed myself to stand up and drink water - then I realized - I must be refreshed after a hour of sleep, so I took a bath and the perceived tiredness is gone.

Now, here I sat down and I am continuing with SRA lesson, it is fascinating to do it - and mostly I do have resistances and in the last moments I would pick it up, but the continuous application of pushing this point starts to manifest:
-I wrote a lot of times about this is high priority to do, so I am absolutely sure about I want to do it, there is no other way.
-I already understood that unconscious and subconscious resistances are especially 'nasty' about to make me procrastinate this specifically, so in the last week I wrote and said aloud self forgiveness according to this, to not allow myself to being stopped do SRA by any resistances.
-I installed a calendar to my phone what is getting filled with my 'todos' in physical timeline, so I can see, being noticed and I am able to manage my activity.

So by these points - I am not surprised that by nothing else but me, I sit here and I do the lesson, I am absolutely not tired, I am not sick, I am doing it as myself.

Friday, January 21, 2011

On Control I want lose then gain cycle

I did not post this before, here it goes, when I noticed my sickness was fading last week

I am getting 'normal' again in relation to sickness - pain is fading, it's like a fire what burns out the bullshit out of me but it is not yet self direction, however I realized some points what I allowed myself to be resonantly influenced, directed, for instance the want to be alone and then want to be with others polarity system, then the energy addiction, what is sex-drug-energy related, about not take self responsibility.

It's like I want to loose my control - what control is too strong, it is not even myself as who I really am but then I am unable to release as myself, then energy kick I use - regardless to it's subtle form, it is all the same - when I define too much, I want to pull back, to go back to my 'den' or 'lair' where everything is like how and what I like - what I could not manage within the 'outside world' to manifest - so then that is avoidable, then my place is preferred, where I can play god according to my mind, according to my inner reactions.
There were times when I was more quiet (inside) when I was alone, but recently I noticed that I am more 'voiced' inside when I am alone, probably that's why I want to be alone, to be alone with and as my mind - but when I am with others - I am much more easier releasing inside reactions and focusing on what is physically here - it is not that big difference, simply after a while a some form of 'tiredness' kicks in, and to compensate that - I energize within me as suppressions, judgments, participation within dishonesties such as popping up pictures from unconscious/subconscious, it's like it is testing me that in that moment what I will react to, like pulling different colored and tasted carrots and which one I will follow.

These must be understood within self-intimacy within the moment of participation within inner reaction.

About my day - I realized -again- at my workplace I am liked because of my work, because of my attitude and expression, so in a way it is very supportive - but there are points where I must stop for instance at the tendency to be distracted from my work - to any fun web page, or my personal agenda for instance looking after a camera etc - it's like suppressions come up - and if I would not suppress myself extensively - then I would not face with compounded energetic bursts so to speak - then I am able to direct myself to focus.
This is what I realized in SRA as well - when doing muscle communication - to remain constantly here is the key - not allowing even for a moment to 'focus' onto something what is not relevant for the current information processing etc.

Also I realized - with my partner - I must be much more direct - in terms of specificity - at some times I even 'tested' her with my intentional grumpiness and rawness - wanting to expect the same 'warrior-like' attitude in her daily life as I do - but that is bullshit - it's like a control point want to direct her - what is in a way can be cool, as she is not aware much of desteni vocabulary for instance - but the other part of the polarity is related to my resonant expression to want to be alone - and when not, then want to direct her in the 'name' of self honesty, agreement, process - what is bullshit, I let all go.
I am me as breath as physical - regardless to ANYONE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others instead of realizing - I am me, I change me, I express me, I do not allow influences to who I am by others - or if yes - then in the moment I realize, I stop, I forgive, I change, I let go.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

SickSackSuckSock

Fascinating to explore sickness within and as my human physical body, then to see how I am the cause and then the effect as well.
I got this flu-like stuff, came full power, fast, does not last more than days then it's fading, left me with some tissue pain...
Fascinating, last week I also got something nasty, that came with vomit, diarrhea, big fever and it 'felt like' stomach-related.
This time it was more head-centered(mostly with pain) but more likely the whole body was involved.
Last week I visited doctor, but doctor is also sick, and at my 'doctor's place' - there are 3 doctors are working - and at this time - they are all offsick, so there is one substitution - so only one must handle all sick people of the district. I had to wait almost 5 hours there until I was able to get in. It was really exhausting to be there for that long.
So this time, regardless of my fever, body pain - I decided to stay at work. It was really something to push myself to sit there and try to work - my 'working speed' was like 1/4 - my brain was working so slow, doing my regular programming job was like a dream...except the fact that physical pain and feeling really cold - what brought me HERE when I flew away within my mind for moments - this tendency when unpleasant I got - to imagine then, to leave reality, to escape - but this is unacceptable.
At work there was a scheduled meeting with my boss, I was just about to ask him how long before I should tell him that I would leave the company when he told me that I got some salary increase, so then I did not say anything about that, this time.
I never was kicked out from any workplace - I always left by myself, somewhere I built up this desire to be kicked out - many people around me told me that they experienced this several times - I was fascinated about this - how this would affect me? Whatever.

So, about the sick story, yesterday night I was able to crawl into my bed very early and slept and sweat a lot in my polar sweater(the name lol) - what always helps to push out intense sicknesses - this time also helped - in the morning regardless the huge head pain - I felt better, so today I worked again - this time it was much less unpleasant, yet I still 'feel' some fever, and tissuepain, so it is still working, so tonight I rather stay in bed, and tomorrow I will see about the visit to doctor is necessary or not.

I say, my 'sickness' always comes when I am not sure about where to how to walk - this is unacceptable.
I do not seek - I am here. I do not escape, I am here.

I experienced some self-judgment also, it is more likely a todo-list I am writing about what I do generally, what to do - and recently this list only grows, and that made me concerned - and also with the girl I spent time with - I had some excuses to be with her meanwhile simply I wanted to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be alone, instead of reailzing I am here as all as one as equal, no separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from other's judgment - so then I rather would be alone than facing my self-created self-judgment projected to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after what is not physically here - so then I experience this 'missing' - then I miss me - I do not experience me - I separate me from myself - what breaks down self-trust, self-will, so I STOP.
I stop seeking there, I start directing HERE.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Facing some energy, fear, resistance to try Agreement



This is who I am


I write directly here.

I am facing some sort of fear - diarrhea manifested, so it is fascinating.
I Let go of self definition, I let go of self addiction to energetic experiences of the mind.
I let go everything what is not physically here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself instead of realizing that I am going to face myself as myself anyways - the question is that do I face myself directly by self direction by decision or do I face with myself indirectly by letting consequences of my expression face me, direct me, control me.

I chose to face myself here. This is not a choice who I am - I face myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to share myself with another beings within the judgment of (as self-judgment) I wait for something, or I am not satisfied with my expression so I hold back - instead of realizing that by holding back myself - I am not able to walk - so I let go - I let go of fear, I let go of fear from judgment, I let go of fear from failure, I let go of fear from being lost.
I am here.

I describe how I physically 'feel':
Along my backbone - something like a shivering energy crawles, mostly from down to upwards, from the solar plexus area - and that's it - I can also describe it as a cold-like freeze covers up alongside of my backbone, and as it 'goes' up - it feels like there are this ice-spikes manifesting on this freezing movement - but then it's all gone - then after some moments it comes again - and in fact I feel cold. Even when I wear three clothes, this backbone-centered freezing goes on and on - until I realize and breath.

This system requires realization - this system is of me as me - compounded self-suppression energy by self-definition, self-judgement, what is being experienced within me because of I am not able to contain the situation within me - I suppressed it all - and then no more - it is being exposed - it is being experienced within and as me.

So the practical walk would be not fear from facing with my partner unconditionally - not separating her - not allowing to prone to any energy addiction - sexual desire, direct physical sexual energy, or even coffee or at the office my favorite jar from which I drink water every workday.

I also noticed that my not direct fear is related to the self-definition about who I defined myself to be and when I am not alone for longer than some days - I want to be alone, I want to do things myself, I want to be separated -- this polarity what would pull to be among humans and then I would want to be alone - is of the mind.
Who I really am is not dependant on who I am with - or am I with someone or not - if I make conditions about who I am, how I act, speak regarding to other people - then who I am if not of that condition which to I submit myself to?
It is unacceptable to not be myself alone or with anyone. Myself as breath, as absolute self honesty, as self-expression.

Okay, this energetic cold waving is no more - but I did not faced it directly - only was a step.

In a way, this physical experience is similar to when I enormously compound sexual energy what makes me feel really cold, and the same kind of energies I experience within me - but that one is more rude experience, and also my genitals are in pain and only constant and stable breathing 'through' can assist to stop it - and by each stop - as I stop the system within me as me as myself within oneness and equality - slowly I understand myself, and I can be aware of the conditions, and I can direct myself to stop participate within these conditions, these if/then-s who I defined myself to be - based on a starting point of not who I really am as Life as Breath - so I can not trust any self definition.
I can not trust in any self-created delusion, only breath, the physical I trust as HERE as touch, experience directly.

Also I experience that as I stop participate within desire, sexual desire - it compounds - tests me extensively - I am being tested by myself - my decision can stand or not?

At this moment I have an opportunity to start to experiment with Agreement - my two trials were not really Agreement-based, but my knowledge about Agreement were being tested and these did not stand - it was not only myself, it was the other being also(the girl) - and at this two occasions - the girls had no idea about what Agreement would be...
But at this time it's different - she is very curious, studies what Agreement would be, and she wants to be self honest - she does not write bog, do vlog, but she understands some already.
So she proposed this Agreement, but in fact - before this - we did some occasions of sex, and as I see - her starting point is of sex, desire - not only - she wants to change, wants to stand up, to understand, to direct herself - so that's not a problem - but my plan is to travel away in 5 months, so I am not sure that it would be great to start to form an agreement for 5 months only.

But I said, for 5 months we could try, but I am not sure she is aware of the desteni material enough(surely not), so she is studying and translating the material anyway, and asks a lot - we will see....
Basically I have a resistance towards her - I do not say I do not like her but somehow I do not want to meet with her regularly - so there is a point what I do not want to face - that's cool...

Also I enjoy not having desire after her - So no energy moves towards her, but at the moment, there is an energy what wants me to pull back from her -- at first I judged this as 'she is not great for agreement' - but then I realized - it's my issue, not her - and in fact we can enjoy ourselves if we are not of definitions, we do enjoy sexual expression, she is facing her past extensively - and she wants to change, wants to express Self Forgiveness, so I enjoy being with her and assist her and she started to say directly about me and those are not really 'nice' - thats very cool - she assists me in realizing what I am accepting and allowing...

I almost decided to walk with her for months then - but still something pulls me back, that's why I write about it...
Common sense say, enjoy agreement and then enjoy breath and self honesty.
So we already do this, but to make it more stable - we will meet and speak again about it.

My 'excuse' was about Agreement that there is no a girl who can 'comprehend' desteni material in practice - and without that, Agreement is not really possible - so it is a cool opportunity.

At weekend I faced already a point - while she was here at my place - after a while, I did not do my 'todo' things - but we ended up in bed hugging and speaking - and sometimes sex, but after the sex thing happened some times - I realized - I did the same with most of the girls in my past - and it started with my ex-wife, at university, when we came together finally(about after a year yearning, desiring, suffering from 'love' lol), then we all day were in bed and hugging and speaking and that's it - and it was like a mind-state what feel great, that I did not want to stop.
So it is cool to face that again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of her because I defined to 'have' a girl is rare.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'have' a girl instead of standing as beings as equals as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use girl and stay in bed with her - to escape from my reality, from what I am experiencing, from what I must do, from who I became as Mind Consciousness System.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop and exploring self expression within the presence of an other human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistance towards girls, towards relationship, towards agreement to not wanting to face myself directly with a partner, instead of realizing that this could be really assisting if I stand and express self honesty within every moment.


So I stop fear, I stop procrastinate, I stop judge, I stop hesitate, I stop escape, I stop being in bed all day to not need to do my todos, instead of realizing that my todo-s are me, if I do not do my todo as me - I am not living myself unconditionally.

I will continue to share myself and assist her within self forgiveness and she already offered her presence to assist self - doing videos, speaking about points, she would be around me to see - can I do my expressions as I would do alone when she is here?
That would be cool, so at weekend, we will see.

Every day blogging I am.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Self forgiveness on resistance

While doing SRA - this assisted me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being influenced by resistances towards self-directed walk-through on information what I defined before as 'a lot' - instead of realizing - I am here, I direct here, there is nothing 'lot' - I am simply considering always what is actually here - then I am realizing - I am already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being distracted from what I decided to do - by allowing things popping into my head and reacting to immediately doing that - instead of realizing I try to avoid facing myself within the act what I started to express after my decision to do so.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Self Trust

Self trust is the basement of facing. If I do not trust my facing application either - what? Then why I continue instead of stopping participate within any application what can not be trusted.
Self here is trust - everything else is not worthy of trust unless each participant of 'trust' is self always here as self trust - then we can talk reality otherwise who I could trust in someone when I see here how that human is constantly changing according to experiences - who are in power in physical - can direct humans through determining the impulses of their physical reality - and they will respond accordingly.
Then that being how can be trusted? It's a complicated machine if we apply extreme self honesty and common sense - within a perfect equality system it is unacceptable to allow someone to not being aware of the consequences of their acts, because if all equally powerful within existence, if each equally god - then even one fucked up 'god' - can fuck up the whole existence.
Because if one is not the same all the time but defined by outside - then inside can not be real, can not be life, can not be here.
It is imperative to realize that without developing here-ness we are nothing but dust in the weather - nothing constant, nothing can be trusted endlessly - because everything is of change.
But the solution is then is also obviously here: I am here - I let go everything what is not really here physically. I let go even that what is here physically. I am here as the Physical.