[JTL Day 214] 3. Living by the principle of Self honesty

Continuing with the Principles list.

3. Living by the principle of Self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

Living by the principle of Self-honesty - to not lie to myself, to be straight, direct: honest with myself. To ensure that my thoughts are equal and one with my words and deeds. This does not seem that difficult in theory - however in reality it can be quite challenging.
To always say and do what I think means that I should not think something I am not willing to do - or I do not think something what I would not be proud of.

The interesting point with thoughts is that actually I do not 'think' the thoughts, rather thoughts are being 'thought' within me. As long as I am 'thinking' something what I enjoy or there seems to be a point about why I am 'thinking' specific thoughts, it's like justified - I feel good, I feel smart, I feel known, I feel 'something' positive. And then there are thoughts, what might not feel 'good', rather makes us nervous, frustrated, fearful. The thinking of a tragedy of my child for instance(just an example) might bring up some not so cool reactions yet can be justified as a danger-preventing support, but many times it's just pure fear, distanced and left reality, facts, then it is really limiting.

I used to have the thinking like a cement-mixer - while I was walking around in my reality - going to school, having fun, being in nature, watching cartoons - I had constantly the swirling of my thinking - it was like dynamo, went on and on and on - and I was able to distract myself from it sometimes and then it felt like freedom and then sometimes I felt like was stuck between my thoughts directly and I felt really weird, like a prey of something uncontrollable, yet I knew that there are more clean moments and more busy periods, so I kept picking up habits and behavior on making myself occupied most of my times, so it was like a background noise, it became so ingrained with my beingness, so that after a while it was like invisible and still - I was able to focus to my thoughts and also there was time when I felt like I was pushed directly to the thoughts so then I had to go through the rough feelings.
The most weirdest part was that I was still convinced that I direct these thoughts, I AM these thoughts and when I've faced specific events I had to realize that these thoughts are killing me - I just wanted to be free from my thoughts - I completely defined 'myself' separated from my thoughts, yet in a way I was still of my thoughts - sounds quite crazy, I know - and this lead to me to the decision to experiment with my mind.
I had the idea that if I could stop the stream of thoughts, I could be quiet and free - so in a way I initiated a war against my thoughts yet I was still my thoughts.
I've used internal and external stimulation, meditation, mind-altering substances and even life-threatening danger to push me into states of no thinking but the 'problem' was that once the intense moment was gone, it all came back again. This lead me to become obsessed with the intensity of energy - to try to 'break through' - but then I've faced the fact that my own human physical body has it's limits and that should not be abused or there are serious consequences. This in a way made me consider that my physical should be more respected than just using it for my energetic warfare against my own reactions.
Meanwhile I tried to behave, be a nice guy, have a plan, want and try to get things yet I always lost everything in reality, completely missed relevant moments, points, could not able to taste stability or my greatest desire: freedom, because I was constantly on a ride of a roller-coaster, what the more I wanted to direct, the more it became chaotic, unpredictable, unstable, untrustworthy.

I write this part so detailed just to show the process I've been through on trying to unify, equalize myself wherein I did not see, realize, understand that what actually my thoughts are, why I was unable to stop them and eventually how to quiet myself with the Process of Self-forgiveness.

My thoughts are the reflection of my actual, physical acceptance and allowance and unless I physically change - they will arise, because my physical became programmed to emanate these absolutely specific energetic word-constructs, which are in fact the gateways for the practical understanding on what I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from and giving permission to my mind to direct me - literally re-(and re- and re-)mind me for what I am equal and one, the specific separation.

For instance If I think something but not doing so - "I should go to that girl and talk to her"  - and then not going - it's like a fear - I want to go but I don't - and maybe I do not even know why I do not go to her, just my thought suggests me to go yet I do not go, I do not listen to my thought, but I kind of want to - or even when I have the same thought for quite some time and then I feel totally boosted for going to her, it feels like I do go to her, but in fact it's just accumulated energy with I allowed myself to be directed to act. This is a serious self-dishonesty, it's starting point fear. But I have to investigate what is the exact fear - if I do not know - I forgive myself for not knowing, I forgive myself for not wanting to know, I forgive myself for allowing myself to accepting myself not knowing what and why I do or not do.
Then I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to go yet not going to because of fear of being rejected, fear of being awkward, fear of being judged, fear of losing an opportunity, fear of not getting what I want, fear of being faced as not good enough, fear of remaining alone, fear of facing not wanting to be alone, fear of facing myself etc - this can be used to get to know myself first.

This is for the establishing self-intimacy, self-honesty - it is absolutely necessary to equalize, unify myself - there is no spirituality, drug, meditation or god in this existence what could give this self-honesty to me, it is self giving for self.

Without this, there is no understanding, there is no equal and one self-direction, only energy intervention, control, fight, polarity, stimulation to states of mind which are conditioned, limited and most definitely not self here, therefore will not be stable, constant equality and oneness with self but there will be still self-acceptance of inner friction, reaction, separation, self-dishonesty.

Walking this process makes one to realize that unless I am exactly the same expression within thought, word and deed - I am not unified, whole, but refraction-ed within space and time so to speak, based on memory, thoughts, feelings, emotions, personality etc - and in fact these are consequences and excuses for what I accept and allow within my reality within and without.

And if one decides to direct reality while not being quiet, directive, simple, obvious within - it will have an impact on how participates within actual physical action - because there will be a layer of experience within the mind, there will be a different scenario within wording and another within action.

For instance: working in a shop, being the seller - it's almost night, I want to close the shop, go to home to eat, to take a shower and do something relaxing, yet there is this customer and constantly asks annoying questions, does not buy, does not go away - and I think 'Ahhhh he is so annoying, I want him go' - yet I smile, being patient, polite - this might seem to be a good tactic in terms of the job, profit etc - but eventually I will end up creating and accepting friction - not being equal and one within thought, word and deed - and that energy accumulates.
It might not be serious and there are times when we might justify this but eventually when this becomes normal, then the stream of thoughts becomes apparently 'alive by itself' and I am unable to even influence my inner reactions to simply stop - because it is in a way a reflection of what is my inner and outer as equal and one and it is not the same.

So then this grows, layers up, becoming compressed, automatized as being accepted within each suppression moment and creates an abundant inner experience reality, which is the mind, completely evolved into an internal self, having internal conversations, reasoning, thought-patterns, bold emotional experiences meanwhile one does not see through all directly to the starting point - and then looking outside, wherein each and every human perceives, acts the same - it is the normal, it is the human way.

As children we learn quickly to think, daydream, react and suppress - yet parents wonder why becomes difficult learning, being effective in the system as responsible, dignified men and women and because our parents, teachers, leaders are also existing within the relationship of the mind - it's all becomes the reality of humanity.

The effectiveness is related to the realization of the inner and outer - and what it means to be pure from within so to speak. Within Self-honesty to ask is there any spite within myself, which I accept and allow as thinking, as wording, as deeds?

Self-purification as taking responsibility of such consequences and to walk the process of stopping what is of friction, conflict within - even the slightest. Without that it is forcing, of separation, of fear.
What support we actually get to stop the fear from within when we already allowed human 'civilization' to be defined by the acceptance and allowance of it as part of our self-identification, even when it's obviously not supporting but limiting our capability of develop and express Self-honesty.

Reflecting it back to my starting point - who I am within the decision to give as I receive starts with realizing what I have given - and also to see what I am giving - is it equal and one? Is it of conditions? Is it a decision or a consequence?

When self-purification manifests self-stability, even within this world, where there is no principle for life, no unconditional love, dignity and fearless self-expression - the action to change self is not limited, not defined, not separated by self but unified as inner and outer.

To stand up for those who are lost, abused is not based on any pity, compassion or even love - it is simple unconditional self-expression of who I am as LIFE.

This means that to find practical ways to study, investigate, learn how the world system is working, how to stand up to it and with the same principle to stand as the world as equal and one and change it as self - the exact systems what are directing human life, the economic, monetary, educational, political, philosophical, fundamental manifestations of who we are today as humanity as a whole.
Within this to see when there is judgement, where is the opinion, the self-interest and investigate and let go by digging deep within self-definitions to the recognition that it is not really who I am and naturally let go and embrace what is here.

How the current forces, interests, groups are influencing and directing the accumulation which constitutes to the tomorrow of our direction.

To principle ourselves with being aware of these can give perspective, priority and stability, dignity and the motivation for the consistency what is required to walk the process from the mind consciousness to life awareness.

As always I pronounce the effectiveness and profound fact of the self-support one can find at EQAFE and DESTENIIPROCESS with being able to take responsibility for all self here - I've stopped searching, hoping, because I find myself here where I can walk the process and share it and encourage all to stand as all life as equality and to recognize that all what is in this human system cannot be separated from SELF and all perception of separation is a fear-based abdication of responsibility which as a bubble, eventually will burst.

I've started with quite a story to see from where I am emerging to take responsibility and what is the expression I am nurturing with these writings, forgiveness within the purification and unification of principled thoughts, words, deeds as who I am as LIFE.

I commit myself to purify and walk the process of unification of principled living within thought, word and deed through Self-honesty, to ensure I am equal and one with what is within and without me as LIFE for I take responsibility within the starting point of give as I would like to receive.

I commit myself to stand up and stand out with the effective process and direction of sharing what it means to live principled life and to assist and support myself and others who recognize the LIFE within themselves and all equally as one and find practical ways to nurture and accumulate what is best for all.

I commit myself to take responsibility for Self-dishonesty within and without and purify with walking Self-forgiveness, Self-direction, Self-correction to ensure that what I accumulate is aligned with the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop the identification and influence, addiction and separation by and as energy to practically let go and realize that the substance is the source, and within that the physical is where we can stand equal and one as life within oneness and equality.

I commit myself to motivate myself to walk the process from Consciousness to Awareness with the realization and decision as who I am.

[JTL Day 206] Tiredness vs Awareness part 6 - practicality

This is the continuation of the mind-tiredness patterns and expanding on impatience:

• [JTL Day 205] Tiredness vs Awareness part 5 - impatience

So I've been 'practicing' the moment of truth with myself so to speak, when at moments I need to wait yet I want to rush forward, currently pronouncing: with computers.

I mention it as moment of truth - in fact all moment is truth - but do we realize it?

When I am facing the point of friction because within my mind I want to rush while not being aligned with reality, kind of reality feels like drags me down, pulls back, or at least I judge it like that in my mind and thus judging it as bad and that creates the friction, energy, charge experience.

I have a cool example: I am using a browser add-on which allows me to set up my Stumbleupon account and be able to 'Like' a page simply with a keyboard shortcut - thus whatever page I find as cool Self-support, simply being able to add it to my Stumbleupon profile's collection.

Sometimes Stumbleupon just marks it as 'Liked' and adds it immediately but sometimes it loads a pop-up for clarifying that the page is safe for work, can be tagged, give a quote and more info about it.

Then a pop-up page appears where this can be set up and it recently changed, thus it does not load almost immediately, but mostly in 2-3 seconds. Also after filling the form when I send it - it also takes 1-3 seconds to send it and I have to wait while if I click away it cancels sending thus I literally have to stop doing anything.

Initially when this change happened and I tried to add a page to my SU. collection, I've had this reaction like 'holy shit, how long I have to wait' - and after that I've wrote my previous blog post.

I mean I was so impatient, that I've felt like losing my life on needing to wait for 2 seconds! Because in my mind I've defined this as a simple gesture when added to a keyboard shortcut, that is why those shortcuts exist, right? I just press and the machine gets it and then I am already 'on' my next moment.

But obviously many things happen meanwhile as it's in sync with my SU profile, checks the site itself, loads the form of extra questions, sends it, sends reply - being a programmer I KNOW that it takes a lot to manage something like this, especially in a multi-million-user system, like Stumbleupon.

So about this I almost started to form a judgement as a point of frustration - and then as writing all of these blog posts - I was able to slow down and stop for a moment and take a breath. It's just that - and the page's loaded.

And then I've realized what I've wrote about previously - it is always one breath to let it all go and be here, just be and remain here.

And we can be always one breath away from HERE, but sometimes to get here it's obviously a process, cannot be forced or just be changed in one moment within behavior, chain-reactions of automated, self-defined judgements we feel as it is who we are, but within walking Process one moment another, in a sense it is Self Here already walking and that is the most profound thing a human can achieve: to change and direct oneself one breath at a time and walk through the self-created mind-limitations unconditionally.

Within this it's to acknowledge that each written word about our mind, our relationship with our mind, behavior, the reactions, the realizations, the points needing to understand more, to see it before going into the same patterns, to stabilize, to slow down, to feel the presence - these all accumulate into a more aware, more present, more responsible human being to be able to direct ourselves to become.

I see that by writing this, I have the opportunity to forge this realization into practical ability to remain here and consistent within effective and present breathing to prevent myself going into reaction and at the same time to be able to intimately see what is the reason I am going into reaction and behind the layers there is always judgement, fear which is not necessary and in fact the opposite of real support for effective solution.

And the tendency within my mind to re-create and evolve existing patterns can still surprise me sometimes for instance when activating the Stumbleupon keyboard shortcut and coming this impatience reaction and within that automatically saying to myself: 'patience mode, breath' - and to realize it is already of a pattern which is in fact not absolute self-honesty, because there is still a reason, a condition, thus not self here is expressing but again: leaning on and hiding behind a condition, a rule, a judgement, separation, pattern and for that there is Self-honesty as a compass to then engage myself more within specifying the understanding for why I still do not remain here unconditionally, what is the reason, the memory, the self-definition that I still rely on more than absolute self-trust.

And for that the Desteni group, study material, the online courses and EQAFE lectures are the key support - to understand my creation and within that grasping the whole existence's creation and thus to be able to effectively walk through the layers of the mind consciousness system, which is indeed vast, but not infinite, difficult, yet the process, as Self is: simplicity.

Thus I specify and continue walking through the layers of the mind - also I still walk the DIP Agreement Course which is really a cornerstone of my self-support currently, thus I really suggest to check it out and dare to walk.

So - with the Stumbleupon point I wanted to give a practical example, which I will continue to walk with Self-forgiveness along with another point which is emerging recently.

When and as I sit in front of a computer I see/realize/understand that I have allowed myself to automatize my behavior, give permission my mind to react to self-defined conditions with positive and negative energy and allowing to accumulate into physical feelings, moods, tension and accepting those and not questioning, stopping and changing myself about those because that leads to inconsistency, impatience, tiredness.

When and as I sit down in front of a computer I stop defining myself and my attitude according to the computer's speed, capacity, responsiveness by realizing that I decide when to react to what within considering what supports me within self-honesty.

When and as I experience that the computer is slow, not responding, the browser, applications are not loading immediately, I breathe, I simply am here and remain undefined - I see/realize/understand that I am capable of deciding what I am going to do with the computer and once I decided it, it does not matter how slow it's going to take - I remain here, breathing, consistent, unwavering meanwhile directing myself and the computer - and if meanwhile it would take that much time what would not be common sense to wait, then I act accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware the point of self-acceptance and self-defeat within that not being able to decide when it is too much time to wait or embrace the computer's/internet's speed while doing something with it but defining rules and conditions to when and what to react and defining the accumulation of these reactions as frustration and when it would come defining it that it is not cool and then defining my relationship with this not-cool-ness to THEN do something about it and focusing to these reactions completely losing perspective and forgetting the fact that in fact I am not directing myself, I am not present, not here and also that I allow these self-defined reactions to tell me when it is too much, when I am being frustrated, when I should do something practical about the fact that it takes too much time to wait for the computer.

This is important - because in fact within self-honest walking with self-forgiveness it is clear that I've decided to accept each and every single reaction to become automatic and thus allow myself to be compromised by actually creating reactions what are not supporting, diverting my attention from the actual solution and becoming unstable, creating friction and making myself tired.

And the solution can be sometimes just accept that 2 seconds to wait when clicking - or when working with videos I face extreme amount of lag sometimes as it does what I do - mostly complex multi-layered hd-animations - and finding more effective, smart, doable workflows without reacting with so much unnecessary frustrations.

Also the solution can be realized also that I would need a better computer, a faster internet, if that's possible and then to consider how to manage that - another whole scenario can open up, for instance financial considerations - to find out how much it would cost to upgrade and if I can have money for that - is there any reactions in my mind on spending the required amount? If there is no enough money, how I could have such amount and what I would require to do and meanwhile be aware of what is the priority here.

I mean to actually do something in this reality it is mostly being able to work with limitations without being limited - which can also be judged as obstacles, something to resist to realize, face, overcome, solve - and also can be seen as challenge, fascination, like what I am going to face and realize about myself meanwhile walking this challenge, for instance within this to prioritize how to upgrade my computer and meanwhile not become frustrated but be able to be effective within it's usage.

Anything can be possible and everything can be compromised in the mind but one thing is certain - if there are reactions automatically, frustration, energies, instability, then we are not the directive principle but accumulation of self-acceptance, self-defeat, self-dishonesty, thus to walk through those also an accumulation is required: of self-direction, self-stability and self-honesty.

I write this meanwhile the computer renders a frame of a 15 seconds of animation in ten seconds, thus for sure it takes time but meanwhile I walk through the conflicts of the mind and remain here, directive, stable.

I will continue with more specific self-correction, self-forgiveness and self-commitment on preventing to react with the mind but instead of remain here, directive and breathing.

[JTL 143] Gaming addiction support part 3 Tala's story

This is a continuation of:

• [JTL 140] Stopping gaming addiction support part 1
• [JTL 141] Gaming addiction support part 2 - Self-forgiveness
• [JTL 142] Gaming addiction support part 3 - Self-forgiveness II.

This post only entails some of my personal history on obsession of computer gaming to assist and support myself for further Self-forgiveness, Self-correction and Self-commitment. Also to see the extent one can go within gaming while disregarding reality here. I've 'lived' so many 'characters' and 'personalities' which might seem quite limiting or shameful or reckless - but as I walk through - I do not define - I change, I transcend - so today I share one of those characters I've lived: GAMER!
Within this blog I often share points what are obviously self-dishonest, nasty, 'dark' - but writing it out I assist myself to recognize it and I can forgive, commit myself to STOP - that I share, as it is not really who I am but who I've defined - and therefore expressed - myself to be.
That is why this process is also referred as Journey to Life to Nothingness - letting go all what is of consciousness systems -  all I remain as Life and this process is what all walk whether they know consciously or not yet. 

First times

When I was little kid - I saw others playing with quartz-gaming and then went to basic school and all of a sudden I saw a room with full of old style computers (around 1986) and they played 2D platform games(such as Robin Hood)

I was electrified by seeing that game as other kids played and my initial thoughts were like I want to learn how this game works, how to play, to understand how to make such things and that took me forever in the scene.
In my family we could not afford computer in that time so I went to basic school's study group on afternoons into the computer room and first played some game and then started to learn LOGO and BASIC programming quite early.

The pace of that learning was not fast enough for me and as I've found hundreds of old computer journals left over in a dusty store room I actually stole of those in folded bunches and smuggled out from the school in my pants regularly and at home I studied carefully.

In the communism of central Europe there was quite a 'greyish' propaganda against the type of capitalism what we have in the west today so there were things what were unavailable as there was an embargo called CoCom. It meant blocking many products from the soviet block(mostly weapon-industry-related stuff) - as such Commodore 64 computers as well so my deepening of computer science started only when that was over and my mother could afford buying a C64 with datasette for me (using regular cassette for storing data - it was slooooow and uncertain) and from that moment I was really into the computer world and typing in all the programs I've found compatible in the stolen newspapers(no internet) - even one typo caused errors which was quite crazy but programming and gaming with I spent time hand in hand.

After some years when I was in programming and bookkeeping high school and mom could afford to invest into a 286 PC(was about 200$) which I learned to use already in school(as well Mortal Kombat fatalities) and I remember the most intense gaming obsession I had in that time was the game called Civilization.
There is a little unit, a tribe of future nation with one can play to build cities, culture, inventions, military, public relations with and against other nations and with that I spent many-many sleepless nights with and there were difficulty levels as Chieftain, Warlord, Prince, King, Emperor which was quite difficult to win(dominate all the planet or build space shuttle system to send to Sirius before 2120) and I was able to achieve victory on King difficulty which was quite heavy and I was proud of myself quite much.

Meanwhile my mother almost literally had to kick me out to under sun as I was quite obsessed with achieving victory on King difficulty with military domination and science research+build of space technology as well which she obviously not valued and appreciated as much as I did so we had some conflict.(Furthermore when I did not poke the computer I was reading all the time, not just Lord of the Rings style stuff but science as well). Meanwhile I deepened my judgmental personality system with praising mind, thinking, programming, logic, imagination, visualization, fantasizing, daydreaming against physical world, my body, resisting against developing athletic/muscular outfit as other village boys usually do with physical work or workouts. I was introverted, many times petrified and kind of awkward in reality so by judging myself such: I charged myself further into the computer world with programming and gaming.

College

After some there was a different scenario years when at the university my girlfriend bought me a modern computer - it was more than 1000$ what she earned with working in US and she was very smart and practical and realized that this is an investment for me what is required to learn programming with what I will be able to earn money after university and I learned Java programming within Linux operating system quite a lot on that and also playing games such Quake and HalfLife and Heroes games as well, what I was able to play all day with no problem.
In that time I did drink quite some alcohol as well what also assisted my mind to be boosted from all angles(what for alcohol exists actually so I suggest for the ones who decide and dedicate their life for Self-realization to commit oneself to let go alcohol completely with all excuses altogether).

I remember my girlfriend went to abroad to Czech Republic in a spring break and I told her that I can't come along because I have to work on my diploma degree and actually what I did was playing through HalfLife game what I played at least 16 hours a day for a week consecutively. At some points I felt dizzy, tired, weaken in my body, but the story pulled me, I wanted to see how it ends, I enjoyed the variety of weapons, the dimensions, the monsters so much that I just played all day and stopped only for eating and sleeping but even within sleep I had this excitement, when I woke up already stimulated in my mind without fully resting to play and explore more from the game. This aspect remained for long years - also with drugs I felt that - it did not matter that I did not rest fully - as I was boosted in my mind so much that it was like a sort of drunk state but 'positive', 'energetic' yet only caring about the stimulation - in that time the game, it's story, it's interactions etc.
Also there was a game called BLOOD - what we played in LAN in deathmatches(free for all mostly or capture the flag) and there were these weird hooded cultists who threw dynamite with shouting and when killed someone the game said: mutilated, massacred, burned etc so it was really gruesome especially with the part of killing innocents and we played with it for a year many-times and it felt very energetic.

MUD

Login to EV MUD

Another very intense gaming part of my life was MUD(Multi-User-Dungeon) which is a telnet-text based role-playing game(My obsession was called Lost World, a fantasy realm). We could play it only in the Computing Science Center room what opened in the morning and closed at late night and there were about a dozen guys who played MUD all day literally. That was so big part of my life(and some of my college roommates as well) that when we did not drink alcohol and jump around drunk at pubs/street/parties we just talked about that all day, it was really an obsession.
I could write about my experiences of Lost World for days continuously, I was into that for years.
The game is still running, There is still a character Talamon(sometimes I get letter in that from old mates) in there but after university I stopped playing.
I had dozens of characters, there was this 'unlawful' part of the game what meant that with our characters we could attack each others, not just computer-generated foes(who basically just stand at their places waiting to be killed).
There were areas, cities, quests, monsters, items, spells, casts as in usual games and there was also a group what formed in another university from BME(Technical University of Budapest) from a level of a building called R3 and we were competing for the best unlawful scores what was a list at the location of Mafia boss(in the game) and the top 20 was in there and who made it up to there were 'famous'(infamous) in the game and the micro-society of gamers who were mostly university students all around the country and there were actual meetings in towns where there were drinking parties and all night long talks about strategies and great moments of the game.
I actually had my first girlfriend in my real life by marrying a healer character called Orchidea in the game who was a teen girl from another city who with I came together to a long distance relationship for almost a year(that is another topic).
So I had quite some characters in that game and those had to be build with wise craftsmanship and to be able to hunt down others I had to develop ruthless cunning and we used mud clients as TinTin and then TinyFugue to dominate the system, others.
To see the extent of the scripting system we developed, I just give some examples: it automatically reacted to certain texts and auto-attacked given up to 3 target variables and there were 1-2 letter commands with I moved around distant areas and did things and auto-attacked the targets when arrived to a location (%attack_command %v1; %attack_command %v2; %attack command %v3) and also when left a location. When the game answered at all locations as '%1 is not here' - we programmed it to not show these messages up(gag)  and the player-vs-player fights were quick and deadly and we hunted each other all day to go up on the list(kill/killed ratio and kill counts) and we formed clans, lied, deceived etc.
When my maxed out shadow hunter character called Brenner made up to the top of the unlawful list - I was the best player killer by definition: I literally felt myself powerful, feared and envied so when I logged into the game - other unlawful players immediately messaged me to friend me that 'please do not kill me I have to get XP to level up' so I decided life and death and I enjoyed to max out different classes(knight, ninja, psionic, wizard, thief, black mage etc) so I spent many thousand of hours in the game, seeking after thousands of millions of XP points...it was always about raising the character to demi-god level(50) and from there it became more powerful so then by itself could became efficient killer to became unlawful to kill players.
All of it was just texts scrolling up quite fast - so to progress fast and effective - I programmed my client to not see anything from normal game, I did not see the description of places, possible way outs, only what was relevant for effective moving, killing, ascending. Most of the game play I automated with scripts, so I just went around and wiping out all monsters what re-born in each 15 minutes so we had timers for waiting for RESET and rushed through efficiently in 2 minutes for about 5 million of XP and then just chatted for 13 minutes and it seemed as real fun for at least a year...

Talamon character in EV MUD today in 2014

There was an afternoon when one of the player guys have passed out and fell from the chair in the computer lab as he disregarded eating/drinking so long that the body could not take and it seemed funny but actually it was quite shocking. Obviously we were not the greatest pupils in the study systems, I have fallen on math exams for some times but did not matter, I was possessed with the game as in that I was somebody, in reality I was extremely poor, introverted, shy and I literally could not really speak with girls, only when drunk some vodkas so I escaped into gaming many times.
Also it was fascinating to see that at nights some of us sometimes had 'telnet-text-based' dreams, like I was dreaming not as visuals - but text-sentences, descriptions flowing upwards in my mind which was kind of weird...
There were also the guys who became 'wizards', who were the creators of the game, they programmed the locations, quests, monsters, they intended to improve and oversee the game or kick/ban trolls etc.
Another fun we had was to find and use bugs in the game to cheat, to gain advantage or shortcut character development to gain XP(experience point for level up), spell, skill and MONEY.
After all I had so much illegal money in the game so sometimes I just logged in and gave away millions which really unbalanced and basically screwed up the normal gaming of others as well and we felt like Neo in the Matrix(the movie came out after I finished university, so I mention it just to describe the similar feeling we had).
I traded characters with veteran gamers (for instance Jet Li or Xena who were maxed out by using a bug in the game called smith's bug) I've bought for 3 gosser beers and I've made them unlawful player killers as well, I had about a dozen demi-god characters what after I've stopped playing I deleted or gifted away - but the main and first character Talamon was never unlawful and remained in the game even today. 

I even wrote my own area (Fire mountain) for the game what was not finished(in a simplified C programming language)  as I switched my obsession from the game to an actual girl who became "my" girlfriend and I 'fell' for another obsession called 'love' and she was beautiful and we did lots of sex and moved together(another topic).

I wanted to share some details of how much I was into the mud to see from the extent I had to come back for reality. After some years when I logged into the game once I was really shocked by realizing, there are quite some guys in the game SINCE I left while I traveled around half the globe - then I realized the extent of obsession I had before.

After university

The last phase of my gaming was when I was working already and smoked weed more and more and we played all day with every possible mainstream first person shooter games.
I remember once playing with Alien vs Predator on acid - that was the most terrifying gaming experience I had - it felt so real - so then we rather listened music than chasing aliens in the game...
Even after those 'friendships' fallen apart - I was still smoking and playing while I was tripping with acid and went deeply into spiritualism, meditation, buddhism, sacred geometry, mayan calendar  and all that kind of mind-screwups while I was still playing heavily.
There were many games I played through many times, raising the difficulty and really knowing the game, the limits, the rules, learning all about the foes and secrets, shortcuts etc.

The Jedi Outcast I've played the most - with Jedi Master difficulty I slashed so much storm troopers and dark Jedi for years! I literally felt I've became the character and I was moving as the character, there was no separation so I was able to achieve becoming extremely efficient in the game and that was also quite an experience what I was after and later could reproduce and surpass with high dose of psychedelic drugs at "dark psy trance" parties only. I knew the system, the laws, the physics, the foes from inside out and I perfected my playing to a surreal degree. There was a reptilian enemy within the game who was the final dark jedi enemy boss and he said that "Welcome to the future" what I enjoyed quite some(it was in my David Icke listening era)- and also when I tried to force push him - he told that "Dare to push ME?" also was my favourite.

Many of the latest games I also played through - I remember I already started Desteni I process walk out from mind into reality here and there was this voice in my head that 'this revolutionary new game called Crysis comes out what I have to play through - the last one' which required quite an expensive(fast) computer and playing that also opened the whole thing up again as this kind of realistic visual and sound became the norm so then I've played all the modern games as well such as Call of Duty, then Dead Space and many-many more games what I even could not list up and mostly all of those basically.

The graphics is continuously pushing the boundaries and becoming more and more hyper-realistic every day(with billions of transistors in a videocard computing real fast), just an example here:  which took my attention really(however the actual gameplay was not that fun for me).

The strategy games as well were significant part of my life for a while, coming from turn-based games such as Heroes, Civ towards real-time strategy games as Dune2, Starcraft and eventually Supreme Commander and that stimulated my mind a different way.
It is basically war against limited resources and time and when you try to buy something the game says in serious sound: "You do not have enough money" - "You do not have enough power" - "You do not have enough energy" so many times which obviously influences us as words for instance(it can be turned off though) and also it is just war - no matter the cost, domination, destruction, victory is only what matters and it can be fun but when someone plays it all day it is sure influencing our mind if we do not stop and transcend the mind!
Another area is RPG, mostly the ones called 'open-world' which means there is a main story line but it is not obligatory to follow, one just live in the virtual world and explore without the game being a 'tunnel' experience what most shooters are - just levels to walk through where scripted enemies show up to massacre but in role playing games one can choose different approaches, guilds, fellowships and 'character development', such as Skyrim or Mass Effect, Dragon Age series etc...I've played with those as well...
Lately I've found out that regardless of gameplay, graphics, the overall playing experience - without a great storyline, a campaign walkthrough - I've found most of the games boring.
As the story, the world unfolds, the character becomes more powerful, ascending/gaining more weapons and the whole reason for playing seemed legit when the goal to reach I was able to be identified with.
Also my obsession with perfection often caused me to play through a game right after finishing it - so then I do not have to find out/wander around but actually enjoying progressing efficiently.

Conclusion

So after this short retrospective time-travel, I will walk through the energetic feelings, reactions, thoughts I've exposed here, not only about the computer gaming specifically to prepare further Self-forgiveness and Self-correction. Already it is obvious that some words repeat and those seem to be keys for what I was after as experience what I could not LIVE in my reality, what I've defined myself as unable to gain/get/obtain in my life so it is practical to investigate about my existing personality relationships with these words to let go all self-limitation. Also to look why in the first place I wanted to experience such words as myself with gaming...

Writing down all of these gamer 'life' - I see here how much I've invested into experiences what were not real - which is not BAD but who I am today I rather focus to physical world, reality-based problems and solutions, to support myself and others for the betterment of ourselves, our system, existence as I see myself responsible, especially with my abilities and understandings and ability to transcend. Seeing beyond my self-interest, to see happiness is an inside-job so to speak I was able to let go the pursuit of happiness - and focus to the path of humanity I become more and more comfortable to take responsibility for - within equality - each matters as the same - within the current value system it is possible to manifest physical equality on Life-requirements with the One man - One Vote principle which is currently being misleaded and ab-used for power games in a way what is certainly not values life.

I do not see the necessity to stop gaming totally -these are like interactive movie series - though since some weeks I did not play at all) but walking through the memories and associations, reactions within Self-honesty, Self-discipline according to Principled Living - I assist and support myself to prevent more and more obsessions with games by seeing/realizing/understanding the reasons I've chosen to try to 'live' in games instead of physical reality which always meant to accept and allow abdicate responsibilities and accumulate irreversible consequences such as disregarding financial, relationship and many more aspects of myself to naturally grow and expand within the starting point of .....? Fear.

So I will continue walking through the points to support changing and equalizing myself to be able to direct energy instead of energy directing me with my permission what I never explored to understand.
Also to see what I could not face in real life and why and actually TRANSCEND is very possible.

My usual excuse was always the tools I used to transcend seemed imperfect as the psychedelic, spiritual things I did for long years - but with finding Desteni I Process it is absolutely clear that with these tools the limit is only me, it was always me so it is really supporting to study all the Desteni Material and see that this is really supporting so I push myself through my limitations one by one, breath by breath no matter what and explore what is best for all which is also the best for me.

Thank you very much and as previously, I suggest to listen Death by Gaming EQAFE series which is actually more supportive for actual Self-realization than sitting thousands of years meditating on whatever one is obsessed with in the name of the delusional ascension/enlightenment meanwhile common sense is disregarded - so check out EQAFE, explore Self-forgiveness as the most powerful tool in the universe for the ones who dare to live Self-honesty and actually consider all here equally.

Desteni Forum for Self-support: http://forum.desteni.org
Desteni Articles: http://desteni.org/articles

slight movement procrastinated

I am experiencing this slight movement inside what requires to be expressed. Often this I procrastinate. Then it is not the same already but of and as systems. If I express it, still of systems, but if I 'wait' - is of and as more systems. And if I judge my expression of my systems - or referred as my systematic expressions - then my judgment will be based on 'my systems' who I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
Defining systems, labeling systems, based on belief-systems for instance. No judgment but to be expressed it as self one and equal and see it within common sense. SRA is for develop common sense - through identifying systems programmed with words within and as my expressions and when the absolute specificity and direct insight as self intimacy - to be able to apply self forgiveness as the point as self as one as equal to assist and support myself within changing, within stopping the point as manifested self-dishonesty. No time for judgment. The Moment As Self Is Here. If I am experiencing through the mind - I am always one step behind the mind - I can be only all what is the mind, and the direct experience, the immediacy is gone.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I am breathing immediately.
I am here immediately.
I am acting immediately.
I am letting go of mind.
I am here as breath as physical act.
I am breath here as physical.
I am not of energy.
I am not energy.
I am not required energy to express.
I am breath as constancy as consistency as I am Here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on energy.
I forgive myself that I have not ever realized that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have not ever considered that all what I am is Here.

SickSackSuckSock

Fascinating to explore sickness within and as my human physical body, then to see how I am the cause and then the effect as well.
I got this flu-like stuff, came full power, fast, does not last more than days then it's fading, left me with some tissue pain...
Fascinating, last week I also got something nasty, that came with vomit, diarrhea, big fever and it 'felt like' stomach-related.
This time it was more head-centered(mostly with pain) but more likely the whole body was involved.
Last week I visited doctor, but doctor is also sick, and at my 'doctor's place' - there are 3 doctors are working - and at this time - they are all offsick, so there is one substitution - so only one must handle all sick people of the district. I had to wait almost 5 hours there until I was able to get in. It was really exhausting to be there for that long.
So this time, regardless of my fever, body pain - I decided to stay at work. It was really something to push myself to sit there and try to work - my 'working speed' was like 1/4 - my brain was working so slow, doing my regular programming job was like a dream...except the fact that physical pain and feeling really cold - what brought me HERE when I flew away within my mind for moments - this tendency when unpleasant I got - to imagine then, to leave reality, to escape - but this is unacceptable.
At work there was a scheduled meeting with my boss, I was just about to ask him how long before I should tell him that I would leave the company when he told me that I got some salary increase, so then I did not say anything about that, this time.
I never was kicked out from any workplace - I always left by myself, somewhere I built up this desire to be kicked out - many people around me told me that they experienced this several times - I was fascinated about this - how this would affect me? Whatever.

So, about the sick story, yesterday night I was able to crawl into my bed very early and slept and sweat a lot in my polar sweater(the name lol) - what always helps to push out intense sicknesses - this time also helped - in the morning regardless the huge head pain - I felt better, so today I worked again - this time it was much less unpleasant, yet I still 'feel' some fever, and tissuepain, so it is still working, so tonight I rather stay in bed, and tomorrow I will see about the visit to doctor is necessary or not.

I say, my 'sickness' always comes when I am not sure about where to how to walk - this is unacceptable.
I do not seek - I am here. I do not escape, I am here.

I experienced some self-judgment also, it is more likely a todo-list I am writing about what I do generally, what to do - and recently this list only grows, and that made me concerned - and also with the girl I spent time with - I had some excuses to be with her meanwhile simply I wanted to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be alone, instead of reailzing I am here as all as one as equal, no separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from other's judgment - so then I rather would be alone than facing my self-created self-judgment projected to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after what is not physically here - so then I experience this 'missing' - then I miss me - I do not experience me - I separate me from myself - what breaks down self-trust, self-will, so I STOP.
I stop seeking there, I start directing HERE.

Tooth and truth

A while ago I had this huge jawpain - I was wondered about what is this and some points I revealed - this stroking my face seriously, like a soldier - many times I mix up the self-direction with this hard, kind of autoriter, soldier-like way - instead of realizing that I am here as breath and I express and releasing and that's it...
because many times I can be here and directive and kind of playful innocent expression without any concern or fear about anything and then I am just here and expressing who I am - and if I push myself - I can be - the points are revealing me for me when I do not push myself - about how and why define myself to and as hesitation trough some sort of self-definition...So the tooth...

So It came back several times and this toothpain came back over and over again - and somehow it had some kind of relation with desires and when I allowed myself to desire (the sexual was the most strong desire) then as I supressed these - after a while this jaw-hardship manifested somehow - and toothpain came back - it was here since maybe a year - I used it as an energetic tester about if I am of energy and I all-low then this pain can come up...whatever this pain about ten days ago remained here and I had quite intense moments and for hours I just had this pain and nothing else I did...
Even I went to pharmacy to buy some kind of painkiller but I did not take it - I did not take medicine since I've managed to kill the amoebas within my belly with some pills about two years ago...and the pain reduced... but I've decided to go to dentist - because already the condition of my teeth became quite damaged, so if I want to visit SA in a day - would be better to solve this where I can do it more easily...
I found practicing dentist university where the 'old' students are doing these stuffs, and it is for free, so I did it - and last week there was the check - and I went and it was fun - but the truth just I've faced - the broken one is like an open wound in my mouth - has to be taken out - and one wisdom teeth has a hole and also one more maybe needs to be taken out and 4-5 more has hole what has to be fixed...
Hmm so I got a date - for may 21 - today...
So today I went and there were these young girls who were kind and nice I got syringed painkiller 3 times and even I had this 'whitening out' experience for a minute but after I was told to just lie in the dentist chair and put my hands in the air and some fist-finger opens and closes brought me back soon, so they just started - the particle what was outside - came down soon but then they had to rip to two parts the two big roots and then with the excavator and the machine what makes the noise worked they very hard for a while and finally they could take out one by one the big roots...
It was quite intense, but at the same time was cool - and realized how I defined myself as this will happen and just manifested...I always had these dreams about tooths and also within the movie of 12 monkeys - they said there are the tracers from scientists - and also of course from the Structural Resonance - about the preprogrammed code...
It was a kind of release - this wont make problems anymore! Even my mouth has this wounded inside feeling for months and I was wondered about is this can be felt when I was kissing? lol
So after all here I am with pain and a huge hole in my mouth - and in fact this tooth was not the one what made the pain recently - but it is done...Strange...grandma has no tooth anymore and she is still alive and interesting she changed some became more loose and stopped drinking, anyway will see...

Again I had to realize that when I am within severe pain - I do not hesitate - I do what I do, because anyway it is not about pleasure, more likely a facing with the accepted consequences...
Was fascinating how breathing as breathing trough these experiences just stabilizes the presence and stops inner movements - but in fact I am breathing and I am stopping the inner movements - or: as I am breath - I am not participating within the mind...

The next one will be this wisdom teeth, one week later it will be out and will see - in fact I always mystified these wisdom teeth and just because these came out without even noticing them(4 of 'em) about 17-18 years old - I felt like 'I got my wisdom very early' - but maybe this pulling out will be the end of my wisdom. What is cool..
Because I do not need wisdom, because that is of separation as knowledge and information and anyway if I believe this tooth as wisdom really, then I am really a fool...


Many stuffs happened, I write one more:
Today at the office house in the stairhouse there was a film-recording session, quite a professional one - there were about 20 people and with these huge lights, dollys cameras and all what needs for professional filmshots - kind of advertisement film they were recording and when in the morning I walked down to go to dentist - the people were like there as the machines in the factory - they did what they are ment to do - but it was like they were not really here...was strange - it was like muppets...I dont know...and before I heard one man giving orders and I was like maybe this is the director and his sound was strong and very directive, not a kind one - but it was unpersonal - he was directing to be able to take the shots what he wanted...
And as I walked by from upstairs and then go downwards - noone looked at me, and I sad this man and he was very young and not even too big and he was the only one who looked at me and was strange, it was like 'he was here' - I mean this is like when I am here, I am directing what is here, so he was this here anyway somehow from a certain view - and this was kind of cool moment...
This director what I desired for years - to be director - to be director for a movie, to be able to direct not only myself but a whole team in order to make the film what I want - so it was fascinating...