Thursday, January 30, 2014

[JTL 143] Gaming addiction support part 3 Tala's story

This is a continuation of:
This post only entails some of my personal history on obsession of computer gaming to assist and support myself for further Self-forgiveness, Self-correction and Self-commitment. Also to see the extent one can go within gaming while disregarding reality here. I've 'lived' so many 'characters' and 'personalities' which might seem quite limiting or shameful or reckless - but as I walk through - I do not define - I change, I transcend - so today I share one of those characters I've lived: GAMER!
Within this blog I often share points what are obviously self-dishonest, nasty, 'dark' - but writing it out I assist myself to recognize it and I can forgive, commit myself to STOP - that I share, as it is not really who I am but who I've defined - and therefore expressed - myself to be.
That is why this process is also referred as Journey to Life to Nothingness - letting go all what is of consciousness systems -  all I remain as Life and this process is what all walk whether they know consciously or not yet. 

First times

When I was little kid - I saw others playing with quartz-gaming and then went to basic school and all of a sudden I saw a room with full of old style computers (around 1986) and they played 2D platform games(such as Robin Hood)

I was electrified by seeing that game as other kids played and my initial thoughts were like I want to learn how this game works, how to play, to understand how to make such things and that took me forever in the scene.
In my family we could not afford computer in that time so I went to basic school's study group on afternoons into the computer room and first played some game and then started to learn LOGO and BASIC programming quite early.

The pace of that learning was not fast enough for me and as I've found hundreds of old computer journals left over in a dusty store room I actually stole of those in folded bunches and smuggled out from the school in my pants regularly and at home I studied carefully.

In the communism of central Europe there was quite a 'greyish' propaganda against the type of capitalism what we have in the west today so there were things what were unavailable as there was an embargo called CoCom. It meant blocking many products from the soviet block(mostly weapon-industry-related stuff) - as such Commodore 64 computers as well so my deepening of computer science started only when that was over and my mother could afford buying a C64 with datasette for me (using regular cassette for storing data - it was slooooow and uncertain) and from that moment I was really into the computer world and typing in all the programs I've found compatible in the stolen newspapers(no internet) - even one typo caused errors which was quite crazy but programming and gaming with I spent time hand in hand.

After some years when I was in programming and bookkeeping high school and mom could afford to invest into a 286 PC(was about 200$) which I learned to use already in school(as well Mortal Kombat fatalities) and I remember the most intense gaming obsession I had in that time was the game called Civilization.
There is a little unit, a tribe of future nation with one can play to build cities, culture, inventions, military, public relations with and against other nations and with that I spent many-many sleepless nights with and there were difficulty levels as Chieftain, Warlord, Prince, King, Emperor which was quite difficult to win(dominate all the planet or build space shuttle system to send to Sirius before 2120) and I was able to achieve victory on King difficulty which was quite heavy and I was proud of myself quite much.

Meanwhile my mother almost literally had to kick me out to under sun as I was quite obsessed with achieving victory on King difficulty with military domination and science research+build of space technology as well which she obviously not valued and appreciated as much as I did so we had some conflict.(Furthermore when I did not poke the computer I was reading all the time, not just Lord of the Rings style stuff but science as well). Meanwhile I deepened my judgmental personality system with praising mind, thinking, programming, logic, imagination, visualization, fantasizing, daydreaming against physical world, my body, resisting against developing athletic/muscular outfit as other village boys usually do with physical work or workouts. I was introverted, many times petrified and kind of awkward in reality so by judging myself such: I charged myself further into the computer world with programming and gaming.


After some there was a different scenario years when at the university my girlfriend bought me a modern computer - it was more than 1000$ what she earned with working in US and she was very smart and practical and realized that this is an investment for me what is required to learn programming with what I will be able to earn money after university and I learned Java programming within Linux operating system quite a lot on that and also playing games such Quake and HalfLife and Heroes games as well, what I was able to play all day with no problem.
In that time I did drink quite some alcohol as well what also assisted my mind to be boosted from all angles(what for alcohol exists actually so I suggest for the ones who decide and dedicate their life for Self-realization to commit oneself to let go alcohol completely with all excuses altogether).

I remember my girlfriend went to abroad to Czech Republic in a spring break and I told her that I can't come along because I have to work on my diploma degree and actually what I did was playing through HalfLife game what I played at least 16 hours a day for a week consecutively. At some points I felt dizzy, tired, weaken in my body, but the story pulled me, I wanted to see how it ends, I enjoyed the variety of weapons, the dimensions, the monsters so much that I just played all day and stopped only for eating and sleeping but even within sleep I had this excitement, when I woke up already stimulated in my mind without fully resting to play and explore more from the game. This aspect remained for long years - also with drugs I felt that - it did not matter that I did not rest fully - as I was boosted in my mind so much that it was like a sort of drunk state but 'positive', 'energetic' yet only caring about the stimulation - in that time the game, it's story, it's interactions etc.
Also there was a game called BLOOD - what we played in LAN in deathmatches(free for all mostly or capture the flag) and there were these weird hooded cultists who threw dynamite with shouting and when killed someone the game said: mutilated, massacred, burned etc so it was really gruesome especially with the part of killing innocents and we played with it for a year many-times and it felt very energetic.


Login to EV MUD
Another very intense gaming part of my life was MUD(Multi-User-Dungeon) which is a telnet-text based role-playing game(My obsession was called Lost World, a fantasy realm). We could play it only in the Computing Science Center room what opened in the morning and closed at late night and there were about a dozen guys who played MUD all day literally. That was so big part of my life(and some of my college roommates as well) that when we did not drink alcohol and jump around drunk at pubs/street/parties we just talked about that all day, it was really an obsession.
I could write about my experiences of Lost World for days continuously, I was into that for years.
The game is still running, There is still a character Talamon(sometimes I get letter in that from old mates) in there but after university I stopped playing.
I had dozens of characters, there was this 'unlawful' part of the game what meant that with our characters we could attack each others, not just computer-generated foes(who basically just stand at their places waiting to be killed).
There were areas, cities, quests, monsters, items, spells, casts as in usual games and there was also a group what formed in another university from BME(Technical University of Budapest) from a level of a building called R3 and we were competing for the best unlawful scores what was a list at the location of Mafia boss(in the game) and the top 20 was in there and who made it up to there were 'famous'(infamous) in the game and the micro-society of gamers who were mostly university students all around the country and there were actual meetings in towns where there were drinking parties and all night long talks about strategies and great moments of the game.
I actually had my first girlfriend in my real life by marrying a healer character called Orchidea in the game who was a teen girl from another city who with I came together to a long distance relationship for almost a year(that is another topic).
So I had quite some characters in that game and those had to be build with wise craftsmanship and to be able to hunt down others I had to develop ruthless cunning and we used mud clients as TinTin and then TinyFugue to dominate the system, others.
To see the extent of the scripting system we developed, I just give some examples: it automatically reacted to certain texts and auto-attacked given up to 3 target variables and there were 1-2 letter commands with I moved around distant areas and did things and auto-attacked the targets when arrived to a location (%attack_command %v1; %attack_command %v2; %attack command %v3) and also when left a location. When the game answered at all locations as '%1 is not here' - we programmed it to not show these messages up(gag)  and the player-vs-player fights were quick and deadly and we hunted each other all day to go up on the list(kill/killed ratio and kill counts) and we formed clans, lied, deceived etc.
When my maxed out shadow hunter character called Brenner made up to the top of the unlawful list - I was the best player killer by definition: I literally felt myself powerful, feared and envied so when I logged into the game - other unlawful players immediately messaged me to friend me that 'please do not kill me I have to get XP to level up' so I decided life and death and I enjoyed to max out different classes(knight, ninja, psionic, wizard, thief, black mage etc) so I spent many thousand of hours in the game, seeking after thousands of millions of XP was always about raising the character to demi-god level(50) and from there it became more powerful so then by itself could became efficient killer to became unlawful to kill players.
All of it was just texts scrolling up quite fast - so to progress fast and effective - I programmed my client to not see anything from normal game, I did not see the description of places, possible way outs, only what was relevant for effective moving, killing, ascending. Most of the game play I automated with scripts, so I just went around and wiping out all monsters what re-born in each 15 minutes so we had timers for waiting for RESET and rushed through efficiently in 2 minutes for about 5 million of XP and then just chatted for 13 minutes and it seemed as real fun for at least a year...
Talamon character in EV MUD today in 2014
There was an afternoon when one of the player guys have passed out and fell from the chair in the computer lab as he disregarded eating/drinking so long that the body could not take and it seemed funny but actually it was quite shocking. Obviously we were not the greatest pupils in the study systems, I have fallen on math exams for some times but did not matter, I was possessed with the game as in that I was somebody, in reality I was extremely poor, introverted, shy and I literally could not really speak with girls, only when drunk some vodkas so I escaped into gaming many times.
Also it was fascinating to see that at nights some of us sometimes had 'telnet-text-based' dreams, like I was dreaming not as visuals - but text-sentences, descriptions flowing upwards in my mind which was kind of weird...
There were also the guys who became 'wizards', who were the creators of the game, they programmed the locations, quests, monsters, they intended to improve and oversee the game or kick/ban trolls etc.
Another fun we had was to find and use bugs in the game to cheat, to gain advantage or shortcut character development to gain XP(experience point for level up), spell, skill and MONEY.
After all I had so much illegal money in the game so sometimes I just logged in and gave away millions which really unbalanced and basically screwed up the normal gaming of others as well and we felt like Neo in the Matrix(the movie came out after I finished university, so I mention it just to describe the similar feeling we had).
I traded characters with veteran gamers (for instance Jet Li or Xena who were maxed out by using a bug in the game called smith's bug) I've bought for 3 gosser beers and I've made them unlawful player killers as well, I had about a dozen demi-god characters what after I've stopped playing I deleted or gifted away - but the main and first character Talamon was never unlawful and remained in the game even today. 

I even wrote my own area (Fire mountain) for the game what was not finished(in a simplified C programming language)  as I switched my obsession from the game to an actual girl who became "my" girlfriend and I 'fell' for another obsession called 'love' and she was beautiful and we did lots of sex and moved together(another topic).

I wanted to share some details of how much I was into the mud to see from the extent I had to come back for reality. After some years when I logged into the game once I was really shocked by realizing, there are quite some guys in the game SINCE I left while I traveled around half the globe - then I realized the extent of obsession I had before.

After university

The last phase of my gaming was when I was working already and smoked weed more and more and we played all day with every possible mainstream first person shooter games.
I remember once playing with Alien vs Predator on acid - that was the most terrifying gaming experience I had - it felt so real - so then we rather listened music than chasing aliens in the game...
Even after those 'friendships' fallen apart - I was still smoking and playing while I was tripping with acid and went deeply into spiritualism, meditation, buddhism, sacred geometry, mayan calendar  and all that kind of mind-screwups while I was still playing heavily.
There were many games I played through many times, raising the difficulty and really knowing the game, the limits, the rules, learning all about the foes and secrets, shortcuts etc.

The Jedi Outcast I've played the most - with Jedi Master difficulty I slashed so much storm troopers and dark Jedi for years! I literally felt I've became the character and I was moving as the character, there was no separation so I was able to achieve becoming extremely efficient in the game and that was also quite an experience what I was after and later could reproduce and surpass with high dose of psychedelic drugs at "dark psy trance" parties only. I knew the system, the laws, the physics, the foes from inside out and I perfected my playing to a surreal degree. There was a reptilian enemy within the game who was the final dark jedi enemy boss and he said that "Welcome to the future" what I enjoyed quite some(it was in my David Icke listening era)- and also when I tried to force push him - he told that "Dare to push ME?" also was my favourite.

Many of the latest games I also played through - I remember I already started Desteni I process walk out from mind into reality here and there was this voice in my head that 'this revolutionary new game called Crysis comes out what I have to play through - the last one' which required quite an expensive(fast) computer and playing that also opened the whole thing up again as this kind of realistic visual and sound became the norm so then I've played all the modern games as well such as Call of Duty, then Dead Space and many-many more games what I even could not list up and mostly all of those basically.
The graphics is continuously pushing the boundaries and becoming more and more hyper-realistic every day(with billions of transistors in a videocard computing real fast), just an example here:  which took my attention really(however the actual gameplay was not that fun for me).

The strategy games as well were significant part of my life for a while, coming from turn-based games such as Heroes, Civ towards real-time strategy games as Dune2, Starcraft and eventually Supreme Commander and that stimulated my mind a different way.
It is basically war against limited resources and time and when you try to buy something the game says in serious sound: "You do not have enough money" - "You do not have enough power" - "You do not have enough energy" so many times which obviously influences us as words for instance(it can be turned off though) and also it is just war - no matter the cost, domination, destruction, victory is only what matters and it can be fun but when someone plays it all day it is sure influencing our mind if we do not stop and transcend the mind!
Another area is RPG, mostly the ones called 'open-world' which means there is a main story line but it is not obligatory to follow, one just live in the virtual world and explore without the game being a 'tunnel' experience what most shooters are - just levels to walk through where scripted enemies show up to massacre but in role playing games one can choose different approaches, guilds, fellowships and 'character development', such as Skyrim or Mass Effect, Dragon Age series etc...I've played with those as well...
Lately I've found out that regardless of gameplay, graphics, the overall playing experience - without a great storyline, a campaign walkthrough - I've found most of the games boring.
As the story, the world unfolds, the character becomes more powerful, ascending/gaining more weapons and the whole reason for playing seemed legit when the goal to reach I was able to be identified with.
Also my obsession with perfection often caused me to play through a game right after finishing it - so then I do not have to find out/wander around but actually enjoying progressing efficiently.


So after this short retrospective time-travel, I will walk through the energetic feelings, reactions, thoughts I've exposed here, not only about the computer gaming specifically to prepare further Self-forgiveness and Self-correction. Already it is obvious that some words repeat and those seem to be keys for what I was after as experience what I could not LIVE in my reality, what I've defined myself as unable to gain/get/obtain in my life so it is practical to investigate about my existing personality relationships with these words to let go all self-limitation. Also to look why in the first place I wanted to experience such words as myself with gaming...

Writing down all of these gamer 'life' - I see here how much I've invested into experiences what were not real - which is not BAD but who I am today I rather focus to physical world, reality-based problems and solutions, to support myself and others for the betterment of ourselves, our system, existence as I see myself responsible, especially with my abilities and understandings and ability to transcend. Seeing beyond my self-interest, to see happiness is an inside-job so to speak I was able to let go the pursuit of happiness - and focus to the path of humanity I become more and more comfortable to take responsibility for - within equality - each matters as the same - within the current value system it is possible to manifest physical equality on Life-requirements with the One man - One Vote principle which is currently being misleaded and ab-used for power games in a way what is certainly not values life.

I do not see the necessity to stop gaming totally -these are like interactive movie series - though since some weeks I did not play at all) but walking through the memories and associations, reactions within Self-honesty, Self-discipline according to Principled Living - I assist and support myself to prevent more and more obsessions with games by seeing/realizing/understanding the reasons I've chosen to try to 'live' in games instead of physical reality which always meant to accept and allow abdicate responsibilities and accumulate irreversible consequences such as disregarding financial, relationship and many more aspects of myself to naturally grow and expand within the starting point of .....? Fear.

So I will continue walking through the points to support changing and equalizing myself to be able to direct energy instead of energy directing me with my permission what I never explored to understand.
Also to see what I could not face in real life and why and actually TRANSCEND is very possible.

My usual excuse was always the tools I used to transcend seemed imperfect as the psychedelic, spiritual things I did for long years - but with finding Desteni I Process it is absolutely clear that with these tools the limit is only me, it was always me so it is really supporting to study all the Desteni Material and see that this is really supporting so I push myself through my limitations one by one, breath by breath no matter what and explore what is best for all which is also the best for me.

Thank you very much and as previously, I suggest to listen Death by Gaming EQAFE series which is actually more supportive for actual Self-realization than sitting thousands of years meditating on whatever one is obsessed with in the name of the delusional ascension/enlightenment meanwhile common sense is disregarded - so check out EQAFE, explore Self-forgiveness as the most powerful tool in the universe for the ones who dare to live Self-honesty and actually consider all here equally.

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Sunday, January 26, 2014

[JTL 142] Gaming addiction support part 3 - Self-forgiveness II.

Continuing on [JTL 140] Stopping gaming addiction support part 1

Self correction on [JTL 141] Gaming addiction support part 2 - Self-forgiveness 

 Why I bother one may ask? Just research:
 For some entertainment, resting, fun, PLAY - gaming is cool, but when it takes over one's life while disregarding real life responsibilities - it is a problem and if some faces difficulties to direct this point, to stop the energetic addiction towards gaming - it is suggested to write it through and apply self-forgiveness to assist and support oneself to stop self being directed by self-accepted judgments, energies, experiences and take responsibility for all what is here.

By listening the Gaming Death research interviews I am available to see so much points in relation to the topic - if one can invest into that could assist very much within seeing through the illusion of excitement of all day gaming.

 When and as I feel like I MUST game, when I experience the urge that I have to disregard anything else - I slow down, I breathe - I feel my physical body, I breathe until I am able to consider real life priorities and act with common sense.

When and as I realize I want to play computer game but I have more important things to do - I check my tasks, calendar, scheduling and I find a time slot when I am able to play without any worry, disregard, suppression and I will play with full of myself without judgment.

When and as I have excuses that by scheduling gaming while there are more important things to do I lose spontaneous fun - I ask myself with self-honesty that do I justify facing something what I've defined as less fun? And if the answer is yes - I let it go and find practical ways to prioritize my things to do based on common sense and self-honesty.

When and as I feel like I can not stop gaming and having the excuses that 'one more level', 'one more hour', 'one more life', 'one more checkpoint' - I realize that the consequences will accumulate with each procrastination and eventually I will face everything I accept and allow, this time the energetic experience to tell me what to do and when to do - so I stop, I slow down within, I breathe, I consider my responsibilities within common sense.

When and as I try to manipulate myself to not LIVE my self-commitments such as supporting educational, financial, political change within the world by having the excuse that I do not have to push that much or only this time I play a bit more and then next time I will work on those points what I have committed to participate, to move, to become and support change within this world - I realize I am losing presence, self-direction and accumulate lack of self-will, lack of self-discipline so I stop fucking around and I consider what I can do today for accumulate changing myself and the system to manifest a world which is best for all in and as this physical, civilization system.

When and as I define gaming and playing as more important than facing, learning, expanding myself - I realize principled living as who I am as decision I walk and also realize and gaming is resting, entertainment, fun - definitely NOT priority, so I re-align myself here with and as one breath to live my priorities according to principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define computer gaming as positive, entertainment as priority and defining myself as playing games as positive while doing commitments as negative and not realizing that the original judgment I accept as myself fearing from not being positive enough, what I let go, walk through unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-manipulation to tell myself, define gaming as bad, worthless and shameful to be lost within it and feeling energetic, emotional by judging myself to use that energy to stop playing and not realizing that it is not myself here directly with and as I stop gaming, but with self-manipulation, self-stimulation with energy, therefore as the energy goes off - I will not be able to stop myself gaming.

I forgive myself that I have never considered how I actually manipulate myself into energetic states what to I have given permission to stimulate me to act certain things with thinking, feeling, being emotional and never realizing that whatever I do, did, will do according to thoughts, feelings, emotions is not who I really am as it is only of self-manipulation to do things what I allowed myself to not being able to do directly as myself here, where I am, who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and worth into computer games graphics, images, visuals, more than real, physical world and not realizing that only within and as my mind I experience this energies by automatic, fast judgments of the game which I valued as more than myself here, therefore defining experience more than facts, more than myself here without me being aware of it in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that being obsessed with computer games is because suppressed the energetic experiences of missing gaming, missing spent time within the game's story, the 3d environment, the characters of the game, the action, strategy, what I've defined as values for myself, I've defined as awesome, very cool, interesting, fascinating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within self-judgment to define computer- and console- and any other electronic games as priority to have them, to play with them, to go through the whole game.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within computer gaming I define games as more important than facing real life resistances, my accepted and allowed physical real world issues such as poverty, abuse, extinction.

I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to suppress my allowed accumulation of needing to play games and thinking meanwhile that I can suppress everything and anything without consequences.

to be continue, meantime check out other blogs of walking through self-limitations:

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Monday, January 20, 2014

[JTL 141] Gaming addiction support part 2 - Self-forgiveness

Continuing on the previous post about walking through Gaming addiction to explore what are the patterns I am responsible for to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what experiences I have given permission to pull me, to trigger reactions within me, to be obsessed with and become addicted to the feeling I experience with computer gaming.

I forgive myself that I have never considered what is the fact, the reason for I have chosen computer gaming as more worth to give my time into, my efforts into, my energy, my money into and not realizing that I have became automated to reject, refuse, avoid to face direct physical reality what I share with all life on earth in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within computer gaming I re-create the same feeling, the same experience within I take refugee within the perception of I am in control while in fact I am not in control in my real life and wanting to balance out that, wanting to equate the reactions to abdicate facing facts of my reality what I am responsible for what I have pre-defined as difficult, heavy, unbearable, negative with the experiences I defined with gaming as interesting, cool, stimulating and positive and not realizing that living out these both I exist only in and as the polarity corners of my energetic mind while physical reality goes, actions and consequences accumulate which will remain here as equal as one as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the situation of humanity as a whole on earth as how many suffer in the system what all continuously participate within and as well as individual lives of participants of the system and the abuse and neglect of all life within the interest of experiences, consciousness, obsession with positive without common sense, without understanding the starting points, the consequences, the practical way to stop.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that actually I can do something myself with the currently existing human system and fearing from not being able to and within fear accumulating frustration and wanting to deal with the consequence instead of the starting point, meaning wanting to bandaid the resulting experience with an other experience while not really changing, while accepting existing within and as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing the priority of physical reality here what I share with all life here in and as existence by putting my interest of feeling good first within the belief that if I feel good, THEN I will be able to become effective and helpful for myself and others and not realizing that the need for feeling good is already an indication of a pre-existing relationship with the self-definition of feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that become obsessed with aspects of computer gaming as positive and negative to manipulate myself to make decisions for my self-interest and never considering common sense here by considering all what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have energetic experiences, movements arising from my solar plexus which then accumulates to feelings, moods, personalities to shift, activate as I have given permission to take over, to direct me, to tell me how I feel, who I am and what I must be in order to play out the character I have defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have positive judgments towards computer gaming and having negative judgments as well and by that constantly participate within duality, polarity, separation and not seeing the original fear what I allowed myself to exist as which is fear from expressing myself, fear from facing myself, fear from taking responsibility for all who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity within common sense as stopping myself participating within reasoning based on my interest, based on my memories, based on my feelings and simply let all go and breathe and remain always here, as clear, empty, direct physical realization of who I am here as all life as responsible.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can deal with my life and all what I wanted to live out in and as computer gaming - I can face in reality, I can realize what I was diverting from into the experiences of gaming while desiring to be more, to be different, to do things what I judged currently I can not do and not realizing that unless I stop being obsessed with gaming I will not be practically able to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and games as bad and judging not gaming and being me not gaming as positive and not realizing it is an attempt to manipulate myself into an other self-definition to live out and not realizing that by this I move by energy, and when the energy is off - I am again the starting point of myself what I did not deal with, did not understood/saw/realize which is in fact simply fear from expressing myself and changing myself and be always here and take responsibility for all who I am here.

To be continued with further Self-forgiveness, Self-commitment and Self-corrective statements

Saturday, January 18, 2014

[JTL 140] Stopping gaming addiction support part 1

Just like last week I was in a Desteni I Process live hangout; this time on the topic of Gaming addiction.

I expand a rant here about the points what did not fit in the 30 minutes talk.

What I actually experience

It is like an extended mind-like experience wherein it is sort of virtual stimulation without apparent and direct consequence and I can always go back and load and try out things differently and I am in control.

I do not have to deal with reality and things like irreversible consequences but what we do not realize that acceptance in this world is accumulating as well, not just the actions we do.

So as we accept our reality, the world system, the economic inequalities, the abuse, the brainwashing continues day by day - it obviously will effect us - not only ourselves personally but everybody around as we breathe the same air, drink from the same water, eat the food coming from the same earth.

When the politicians and their groups decide the risk of building and operating a nuclear plant - if that fails - the whole country will face the serious consequences, in fact the whole planet will do.

And as those who 'do not care', are 'unaware', 'can not do anything' - they are still in the same boat.

Particularly I do not have anything problematic with computer gaming at all - it is quite fascinating -as I have spent already decades to study/learn about programming and gaming: I know the scene - but when healthy, smart, capable grownups spend most of their available time with gaming only - it is as escapism from all what is physically here and busy accumulating and that is problem. Nothing personal exists within this here - anything what does not support the principle of What is Best for All must be investigated, understood and practically stopped. Most of the people say they can not grasp really what would be the best for all and for that proper education is required, being able to step beyond our personal views/interest to see FACTS but it is possible.
Gaming is alright for some entertainment and fun but to become obsessed with can and actually do escalate into neglect of what is here, which is not that nice if we see the amount of abuse exists in this world.

That is the most relevant point what I wanted to share here - that there are more important things to do - and there are more ethical, more common sensical, more sober, more responsible things are to actually investigate, understand and change than ALL THE TIME exploring virtual realities and riding on these stimulated experiences to deny what is here.

It is relevant not only about computer gamers - sport fan(atics), excessive party/drinking/drugging, TV Series addicts, Religious/Spiritual obsessive compulsions(Love and light and mantra and enlightenment self-induced stimulations) and many-many more - which one can justify that it is what seems right to do all the time while not realizing that the directive principle here in this reality is intensifying by the day, which is the capitalistic money system, the media, banking, military operations - that is the most powerful force currently and it can not be taken lightly and if one is disregarding what is here then two might disregard and the accumulation exceeds quickly as 1+1=2 and there are those who direct this thing, already proven without any compassion, without any regard for life, for future, for all living organism by justifying that "it is possible to do it so I can do it and I do it and in fact - no one stops it" - so they continue until the last real life value is destroyed, abused, capitalized.

We can see this tendency in big multinational corporations - the secret director board in the background month by month is just demanding more percentage of revenue while they do not care about the consequences - they feel they can buy of themselves(and their own families) out from the consequences - just look at oil companies, the spills, the fracking, the explosions, the military atrocities - it is beyond any sense of life - if somebody does not see it, should consider the fact that being lost - any sense of what is real life, what to stand up for and what are the real values and should start investigating, re-mediating, changing to embrace the horrible fact that as if we continue like this - in decades even humans can become endangered species, not just lions, tigers, elephants, pandas etc.

Also to travel around the world, even countries where most of the people lack of sanitation, healthy food and proper education - they are really suffering and then if we are capable of just go home and play all day long with computer games then one should feel that something is off, something is bugging here. All of the mainstream media is impulsing that this is justifiable, it is encouraged to to feel good and not realizing the price what others pay for it.

And it does not end with feeling sad about eating chocolate because mostly child slaves pick up the cacao on the fields for that - as the "feeling sad" is also a justification - as it does not change a damn thing, only people stop considering these facts after a while as becoming overwhelmed with sadness of the facts, so then it feels compulsory to do something what feels good, for instance gaming.

As within this blog post Maite shares how to make a decision within self honesty - we all should face our habits and repetitive actions that "Is that really the best that we can do for our life, for our future, for all's life, for all's future?"

So my most relevant point to stop computer gaming obsession is to consider the consequences of disregarding anything else because of automatically justifiable self-interest.

This point as I consider assists me greatly to not lose myself within computer gaming.

I continue by stating: playing, gaming itself is not bad, it is just when one disregards anything else and being obsessed with the game - there is a reason for that - I can easily speak of my own life experiences as the difficulties, the current life what I walk: I did not realize that I judged my life as negative, grow a desire to avoid to face/experience reality as it is, so a resistance I have built to deal with my life's all aspects with occupying myself with stimulation as much as possible so then this resistance I live out in the form of being obsessed with do things what I have defined as feels good so within that experience I am too busy to see what I have became and I got so used to it that I did not realize I have developed an automatized personality of having the tendency to not face real life (personal, interpersonal, universal) issues and rather than just focus to how to experience the way I defined myself as feeling good, excited, stimulated.

Another aspect is that most computer games are made for money, especially the big, famous ones by big corporations - just look how EA, Activision, Sony really handle their workers: the same as the typical capitalism really exists.

Most gamers know that by following gaming news, often comes something ugly out to the public about the development jobs/hiring/firing/lies.

I just did a random search about gaming industry truth and found these below:
After doing some research - video game industry is there only for profit, revenue - of course there are great ideas but the ones who are leading/profiting the most from this scene are famous by handling professionals/artists just like cogs...

Just like with out latest handheld gadgets: mostly slaves make them while CEOs are profiting their ass off. Of course it is not true for ALL games - it is just there as well.

Especially with the latest tablet/store gaming rush where exists huge profit as well - the game makers do anything to hook on the kids for make parents pay for one more game and kids are really vulnerable to become obsessed with games while real life/real social activities/play OUTSIDE is less and less relevant within the middle class and we adults do not make the kids more easy to integrate into the world system as kids can see that there is greed/stupidity/abuse/lies all around the world where they do not want to go, rather than just play nice and stimulating games all the time until they can...

Finally I share my examples of what I have found myself escaping from reality into computer gaming - and I repeat - gaming can be fun - an entertainment, a self-discovery, even educational - but when one just can not stop when real life priorities kick in - then it is a problem.

For me mostly what stops me expressing myself within REALITY is an inherent fear from expressing myself, to be myself, to stand out and do what I want - I allowed the tendency to fear from consequences, fear of rejection, fear of making mistakes, fear from being exposed of what I have done what I have judged as failure - and not realizing that part of the solution is to directly face these points within me and walk through/let go/physically stand with the starting point of not participating.

Also the inflation of values of computer game graphics/sound - as if the game looks almost real/gorgeous/immense/high quality - I defined as it is more 'good' therefore defining as self-value when playing with these.

An other point I see the inherent desire to try out/play with the best latest games, especially within the topics of what I have defined I love to play - some of the first/third person shooters, real time strategy/role playing games - mostly the action games.

Okay so many points I have shared here, I walk Self-forgiveness in the next post, thank you very much, in the meantime I suggest to listen the audio interviews of Gamer Death series at EQAFE:

For addiction and self-realization support, visit:
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Sunday, January 12, 2014

[JTL 139] Stopping weed addiction support

This is a continuation of Desteni I Process live hangout on the topic of Weed addiction.

Within the 40 minutes there were some points what could not fit in to talk about however it is crucial to share as many points about this as possible to support those who are facing difficulties to stop.

I have already written about this point here, where I provided quite some links for self-support from those who already walked through this point within Self-honesty:

Especially with the recent weed legalization campaigns it is crucial to to get all the points out there to all who wants to realize, understand the relevant points and find support or are just curious.

The point is that if something is legal - it does not mean it is not bad - just look at alcohol - I've posted some facts about alcohol already - that is really self-abusive and those who say it is good, beneficial etc - they might not consider facts, the bigger picture and unforeseen consequences, not only for the consumer, but for the community, economics, children etc.

So weed, marijuana, ganja, pot, hashish, pollen, cookie, you name it - the same plant: cannabis, the same substance: THC.

The most outstanding point is that any drug, any mind-altering stuff only works when one is participating in the mind - if one is fully here, direct, physical, present, no mind - the drug has no effect whatsoever(of course if it is that much, then one might fall asleep, as it is a physical process, the chemicals, the brain, the body's response etc).

So it is blowing my mind - and the mind seems to be a crucial part of ourselves - however it might not seem obvious first that our mind is something what is not necessary for an effective, healthy, active living.

So let me refine what I mean as 'mind' here - the thoughts, feelings, emotions, the reactions, the energies, the associations, the moods, the fears, desires - those are abilities what we learned by parents, school, media but in fact we have became so ingrained with these within our daily living, we do not see the mind as separation, we ARE our mind, we are what we participate within, even we are what we accept and allow within our reality.

Probably I could fill a book with sharing points about weed, how it seems to be supportive for many and when they want to expand, grow, move, live beyond who they are currently with weed-smoking - they can realize the fact that weed makes one limited for the long term. More precisely: one stimulates self to time loop with the feeling effect of weed - and I have experienced such things, especially when after the first couple of weed-experiences I was able to explore aspects of my mind what I have never seen before.

There are quite some people out there who has became addicted to the feeling what they reproduce by regular smoking, just like with alcohol.

What must be realized is that stopping a addiction can not be forced to stop effectively by forces outside of self - because then oneself is conditioned to the external to stop and when that stops - one will feel the same as felt before smoking, just a bit more compounded.

It is possible to live in the(or out of) society being stoned most of the time - it seems like one will be less and less judged as these legalization come further(that is an other topic of why leaders allow such things, consistently: if all is stoned, they will not march on street for human rights, for the fact that we we are destroying nature, animals, water supplies - they will stick to stand up to the feelings they defined as happiness and freedom, and also the taxation is very tempting of something what is being sold on massive scale).

It is a nice trap to think that 'I am chilling, I just smoke, feel good, listen to reggae all day - I am not harming anyone, I love all, peace bro!" - but meanwhile the capitalist sharks who are absolutely lost their sense of 'real life on earth' see this as an acceptance of what they do so will continue deliberately becoming more and more obsessed with revenue, business expansion and market domination, exploiting 'opportunities', 'loopholes', 'bugs' in the system without integrity, without dignity).

Especially with an other fact that it is illegal in many countries - so mostly smokers do not really stand up, stand out as they might get caught for being criminal by smoking.

I remember when I was in my phase of ERASERHEAD lifestyle - I did not like to share myself, I wanted to remain in the background, to be seen as gray as possible, "What if they find out at workplace?" What if at job interview it becomes obvious - who will hire a stonehead? I will be disregarded in the system and that means serious trouble. In fact I was able to learn how to continue most of my previous activities even being stoned - but I was not directive, I was not fully present, I was not able to expand effectively as most of my care was about:

-Being able to get the stuff
-Smoking it - and it was the first - until that was not ensured - I was obsessed with to be able to do all the time.

In the beginning I smoked quite occasionally and even one inhale caused me to fly away totally, like laughing for dozens of minutes or staring screensavers and Winamp visualizations like dimensional gatweays and especially listening to music.

My conscious mind was always convinced about I smoke for enhancing listening and playing music and the mind expansion, the great feelings, the calmness, the peace, the wise and smart thoughts, while beyond my awareness there are always hidden dynamics of what are the real reasons I smoke what one does not realize being busy with stimulating self with the cool feelings until something radical does not come into one's life.

For instance not being able effectively participate within specific activities(such as being well organized, be always here in and as the physical or being able to not think, REMEMBER things, earn trust, make business etc) .

A typical reaction is that there are people who are able to do these things as well while being stoned - many are able to drive car very effectively while being stoned - that is an ability what can be learned for sure - imagine if an airplane pilot would spiffing some huge joints while greeting the boarders how would cause some safety questions or those who work in a nuclear plant/missile silo but these are rare and extreme things, can not be used for reasoning, but I wanted to point it out that here as well.

That is the great thing about physical reality, where our bodies 'live', where actions and consequences happen: after events become facts - can be measured so then it is obvious.

I am also aware of that stoners do not become aggressive MOSTLY like drunkens, but actually there are studies how slaves (even child war slaves, meaning foot soldier-gunmen) are conditioned to weed, just like the stories of assassins were using hashish while killing. Just an other point to consider.

Being lucky that it is not me who to judge("Do not judge for not to be judged") those but these are also part of our reality, just like the meme of people jumping out from window with LSD/acid what I always found ridiculous to generalize from one or two occasions, blaming the person and protecting that it was not the drug itself until I have not faced it factually one of my mates unlocking this weird achievement who could be judged as 'experienced acidhead' and still he lost his touch of reality - maybe only for a moment but it led to serious consequences(he is alright, one lucky SOB).

I do not say it should be absolutely banned, removed, punished - as at very specific circumstances drugs can support for see our mind-fuckup(as many other things as well, especially things what intensify certain experiences) - for instance occasionally taking it and seeing how screwed we are in our mind, but that requires quite 'amount' of Self-honesty to not go to the good feeling but actually see our mind how moves and realizing that it is not who we really are but what is being stimulated to reflect back our self-acceptances.

It is absolutely unnecessary to face and realize what is really real to use weed but if one uses it for instance more than once a month then it can be questioned....

Also on medical treatment(which is the CBD part of the plant, not the THC), I do not deny it's benefits, I even experiment with it as I have previously faced some sort of cancer, however here I only focus to the addiction and practical ways to stop it.

Most people who smoke regularly can speak up sharply that they are not addicted of course, they can stop any time and also having dozens of well-prepared excuses and justifications of why they smoke every day as I also had.

It is about the ability to realize the self-deception when we are not supporting ourselves with the stuff, rather than using it to stimulate ourselves to not face ALL ASPECTS of our direct reality, life.

I know this very well, I have been using it to suppress emotional shitstorms for a long while, also when anxieties, tiredness, low energy-feelings or simply enhancing perception to be able to focus to things, to generalize it as a multipurpose extra CHI/KI/energy.

I focus today to the point of when one is able to realize that by smoking weed regularly one is NOT supporting oneself anymore with it and wants to stop it and facing difficulties or finding impossible to let it go.

There are many people, personally I have been talking with quite some guys who was not able to stop(some did, some did not).

Of course there are people who simply can say "not anymore" and then they stop it - also there are some who face 'negative' experiences with it and therefore not wanting to do it anymore and still not stopping as they feel more shitty with themselves without it.

What is also important to realize that the user becomes totally one with the habit, meaning regular smoking becomes self physically, so it seems natural, automatic, reasonable.

Especially those who have never considered the fact that THOUGHTS are not directly ourselves but the inner reflection of our acceptances, so listening and doing exactly as our thoughts suggest, direct is the total possession of consciousness by being able to absolutely disregard physical facts here as thoughts are being automatically triggered by external(or internal) stimulation and if the person is not being absolutely physically present, meaning slowed down, stopped within the mind to see what are coming up, when those come up and in fact why they come up. That is essential to learn to be able to see - how thoughts seem for making us more intelligent and smart but if we investigate thoughts with common sense it can become clear that in the moment of following, reacting to a thought we are not here, we are not aware of what is here, we are in our virtual reality, thinking while walking and not seeing when bumping to someone for instance.

I have learned martial arts for a while and there is no time for thinking - when two good fighters are attacking me - I have no time to think and wonder - in a quantum moment I have to act if I want to prevent destruction - this can be understood - so being a fighter also involves being able to stop the thoughts. That can also be done by teaching the body to respond as the body is always here - it can act automatically if programmed so - like someone swings a stick to my face I lean away without thinking if I am not busy thinking. When I was learning some Aikido while being stoned with acid+pot and I was able to explore how I had some 'latency' in my mind and I got the kick in my gut even before I noticed the kick. Well it was funny and I realized for being present - drugs do not really support - or sometimes yes, sometimes not in an unpredictable way, but for most of the relevant things in this reality - happens in physical. No thinking is required. Actually if we think while doing something - we do not experience it as fully, whole - who wants to go into 'thinkabout' while having sex with our desired partner?

Also with music, car driving - it is not requires thinking, it can and should be programmed to handle effectively by and as the human physical body as ourselves.

Same with all our life aspects - even when feeling somehow to want to feel an other way automatically, for instance when being anxious and fearful, one automatically wants to do things what already assisted oneself to stop the anxiety, fear as the body has real experience in it.

As with alcohol - to reduce inhibition people drink and become very social, do fun, become horny, dance groovy easier etc - and when they face that point they want to drink automatically, no thinking is required anymore to persuade oneself for why to drink. Same with all mind-altering substances. Who we are is what we actually do.

Especially with the physical experiences - those are direct, sometimes brutal experiences what one immediately want to change if it is not pleasant.

There was a time when I came back from work, tired, energetically charged, vibrating, frustrated from the busy mass transit's experiences, from some abuse I have faced and felt not cool about and could not handle or prevent (or just not wanted to) - so then arriving at home I smoked immediately - and then in a moment I felt myself calm, quiet, energetic. That can become a habit quite easily and by each time one does so - is in fact conditioning one(physical)self to do the same way as previously seemed to work to 'solve' and not realizing that this is NOT the solution but only handling the effect of the problem meanwhile I did not see/realize/understand how I allowed myself to go into reactionary, energetic, thinking, feeling patterns automatically to accumulate frustration, being exhausted etc and that to solve I might have to consider changing my life entirely for instance changing myself, whatever it takes: leaving the city, doing another job, getting less salary, learning another profession or simply dealing with my starting point, my automatic reactions what cause the frustration and finding practical ways to stop.

It is globally accepted to want immediate solutions, the big pharma also suggests that - "just pay and take and go on enjoying whatever you do."

The point is that our society, family, school always teaches us to feel good, implanting the idea of having the right to feel good while all the things what are being judged as 'negative' are being disregarded, suppressed, while what we perceive as 'negative' are simply FACTS here what we react to automatically as taking away our self-accepted ways to generate good feelings so then appearing as negative.

All those beautiful spiritual 'artworks' promoting love, consciousness, feeling happy, beauty are for us to stimulate ourselves to constantly give into the energetic temptation of feeling positive, which seem like a goal to maintain otherwise we fear we become what we experience as negative. Because we as human has accepted 'experience' itself to define who we are. Especially with the global agendas of sheep-ling with religions and spirituality wherein experience is the priority.

Capitalism is the physical realm of religion and spiritualism where one can buy products/experiences which seem positive to balance out or suppress the experience of negative while all the way down both are our own mind's creation: facts are facts - a tree is simply a tree - there is no such thing as 'nice tree' or 'ugly tree' - that is our interest to judge and manipulate our experiences to apparently live a self-defined 'happy' life.

What is also not understood that experience does not last - it is a result of stimulation - while to change physical facts sometimes are much more difficult - we do not just have to feel different energy but in the physical realms things must be done - what requires consideration, planning, skills, effort, work, patience and that might also open up many areas to oneself to experience things meanwhile - and if there is negative feeling, resistance reaction meanwhile - one can judge the whole action as 'bad', 'not worthy', 'too difficult', 'needing a shortcut' - while it is always self who reacts with positive or negative in and as the mind.

So our tendency to become weed addict is not from weed itself but our cultural heritage of who we humans has been allowed ourselves to become as 2 feet walking mind consciousness systems in and as human physical body.

There are so much aspects to explore the WHY-s and the HOW-s - the best way to learn is to invest some coins into EQAFE audio interviews(there are many-many for free) where various aspects of our reality is being explained in specificity and also to participate within Desteni I Process online Self-supporting course to learn how we are existing already in terms of how our mind works, how our body and energy works and who we really are in flesh and meanwhile who we perceive ourselves to be in and as the mind through believing ourselves to be our experiences of thoughts, feelings emotions, reactions, worries, desires.

So for me personally, the tendency to become addicted to things what stimulate me to feel good and giving permission to automatize such reactions-actions-reactions-actions time loops was catalyzed with drugs.

I might say there are cool experiences what did really support me while I was high - but these moments are also here while I do not smoke so in the long run I can simply state out - facts, experiences what really support me are regardless of dope. Especially as I again state out - any kind of unity/bliss/freedom/universal love experience I have - it is only an experience I stimulate myself into in my mind which is of condition, has a beginning and an end and it always has a specific price what might not be obvious until the consequences we face, in flesh.

Of course there is the area to explore what really means 'supporting me', especially beyond being stimulated myself to feel good, beyond myself, beyond my interest, in fact all life's interest.

So my motivation to stop was to realize I am stuck with experiences, I am not expanding and there are certain ways to go to, learn, explore what requires consistency, sober head, such as changing myself to study reality, systems to be able to participate, for instance business and leadership.

Especially after I am reckoning the fact that it is literally 'recreational' - re-creating the same experiences - for instance stimulating myself to have cool thoughts, smart ideas - it is just one dimension: thinking - well no one should be that ridiculously insane to 'think' that thinking is multidimensional - that's the point of it - one thinks it - it's like with thinking trying to get out of the box and not realizing the box is thinking itself, in fact myself.

Sure I want to enjoy my life, have some fun but overall if I see my lifetime on earth, I'd rather do something to change it to a better place, to stand up for those who can not stand up for themselves, otherwise what for I have these gifts, abilities, smart brain, nice smile if most of the people around me do not enjoy their life. Where I came from - there is suffering and abuse and as I have walked many parts of this Earth - there are much-much more abuse and suffering and I can not keep up stimulating myself with that many 'good feelings' to be completely occupied myself to not realize from time to time that I could practically support the changing the human system - and it starts with changing myself, living an example and being here to support. I have already given so much support and it is natural to give it back and to live the words of Jesus such as "Give as you would like to receive" is not religious, it is practical common sense.

So if weed smoking or anything else in my life stops me from expanding, changing, finding the most practical ways to understand reality to be able to change it - I commit myself to stop myself doing so - even if it is a process, as it was to became who I am today - I have found that with Desteni principles/courses/tools/study material/group I can really understand everything and be able to change, so that's worth for sharing.

This is just one aspect I wanted to share, there will be more to come, thank you very much!

If anyone has questions, require assistance, support for addiction, I am not 'professional' but what I have already realized and walked through practically I can support with, and also there is the desteni group, forums what has many-many people who already walked through such addiction or currently walking through or being assisted and walking it with others and one can realize that this is not a specific, personal, unique, special thing what one has but there are types and many people had similar experiences.

Also there is the Desteni forum where anyone can join and ask for support who requires.