Tuesday, April 5, 2011

intensified physical

facing physical limitation

after 15 years I decided to play soccer, recently I noticed that I can take intense physical exercises and if I do it with presence, it's cool for my body.

When I was a kid, I was in the village's soccer team, I was back, protecting the goalie mostly because I was hanging around back there and when the opponent team's members were approaching, my duty was to be extremely fast and direct and take the ball or kick it away.

My colleagues had more stammina, there were 3x3 membered teams and round robin we played in 10 minutes.

In the 5th minute I felt like I am spitting my lungs and strong sting pain was in my calves and my ankle felt like weird and I had to realize that my body did not do this kind of things since long years - but I had to spend some minutes rushing like a demon and doing everything to be successful - it's ball-related.

So In the beginning I jumped into the situation with full blown, like a street-fight - rushing down the others and they are doing this weekly team-play and their technique was way more better so mostly I just noticed that I missed the ball and then I did push more my body and my speed and will - I did not play that bad - but physically I was exhausted after the 10 minutes - about in the 8th minute I had even some sort of need to vomit but I breathed through - not much thinking was common sensical - some thoughts I allowed but then it was obvious that HERE is my body, HERE I breathe, I must be aware of my body otherwise I am not able to direct myself...

In the second match - I had to realize that if I am not rushing - I am able to have an overview of the field, to see how the opponents are doing the tactic and I realized - I can not outrun them as I am already tired, so it was an interesting playout to wait with the physical energy burst until the last moment when it is the best to push - timing and rhythmic - but I realized - my calves and ankles is simply too tired to do what I want from them - and it was like I want to step in about 60 centimeters and then my feet did about just 30 - and many times I lost my balance and rolled over the floor with some lol - so much enjoy I experienced simply by physically playing around.

This is like my approach from the mind into physical - first time I jump in like a paratrooper and then I realize I do not have the parachute so first approach is a fall into the ground and then I am experiencing some sort of possession of wanting to do it best and pushing my limits until I fall.

Then after a while when I realize - this body can not take that much - then I pull back and then I am trying to figure out the situation based on assumptions and then re-approaching but at the direct physical confrontation - I re-forget and doing the same.

Also I noticed that many times I used my hands - mostly it was around my head - as I conditioned myself with aikido and wing tsun to directly push my hands into the face of others - ok I was not hitting but simply 'wanting to not use my hands' - did not stop my hands lol.

And there was a time when I was watching the others and I became a bit more 'calm' when I saw the others are also getting tired - but about at the 4th-5th round - I was almost unable to outrun and catch the ball - and my ankle that time started to simply do not hold me really and I was like waving and falling and then I realized - again - breath, hold, timing, push.

I wanted to play soccer only once - just for fun with the colleagues, but if I write specifically - many of my 'programmed strategies within the physical - related to the mind' - can be walked.

In the long term - I will switch this to wing chun but for now I will consider to do soccer again.

The sexual drive within me - by these 'sporty' occasions - is really reducing - it's not a need anymore.

Also the backchats are extremely reducing meanwhile the physical application, simply there is no time as the mind consumes so much moments and meanwhile the HERE changes and if I am still within my head - then I am screwed and always after the events, not being able to become one and equal with and as the event as myself as self-direction.

My biggest ?-mark here is that I told to my partner that I am leaving the country and she does not like it - at the beginning I told her that I will leave her and the country in summer - and she is okay with this but about once in a week she bursts out some semi-sane shit about she feels like being used and as like a bitch and then it was almost over because of this - I experienced this: 'felt like before' as we argued MUCH in Cambodia about 4 years ago and it started to re-manifest and then I was like 'breath through, breath through' then I realized breathing is not enough, this is me, I must act otherwise I am stopped and waiting for reality within some sort of energetic state of hope what is unacceptable as I already faced this a thousand time and the matrix is like a casino - once it makes me lucky and then it makes me loose everything, so I do not trust in the matrix, I trust myself or if a situation proved that I missed - then it's like within this I can not trust myself so I must use tools to support and stabilize myself to push myself through this self-doubt, because HERE is no way but push self as self without any con, no purpose, no reason, but this is who I am, I am here.

The consequences of this soccer are some coughing and neck-strain and probably tomorrow some muscle-tension and ankle-ambigousness.

I experienced some moments very direct-like physical experiences, that was what made this need for vomit for about a minute - some systems I experienced a bit more directly than as usual - I must be able to stabilize myself and stand within and as the physical consequences of my 'decisions' from the beginning and the pain I must not step back when it is here - I embrace pain, I embrace the physical as myself as breathing as self-movement.

There were moments when my ankle was like it requires medical attention and after about a minute it was OK again, but I must be aware of every step even within intensified physical applications because I already faced this ankle-point many times and I was steeping literally for months.