Wednesday, October 30, 2013

[JTL 133] Energy from resistance within hope

I do not have anything particular today to write about in this moment.

Today I will have an exam about traffic rules what I did not fully prepare for - I have learned quite some and I investigate here why I did not ensure the perfect knowing for the exam. My sister passed flawlessly and expects me to do similar and for me it is just an exam to go through in order to start learning driving car. Obviously I have to learn the rules to not make mistakes but somehow everyone says it is easy and no problem while I experience lack of motivation to learn it hours after hours, rather than I learn some and I try the exam and then if did not succes, then learn some more and try it again.

Seems like a hope that without lot of learning time I might pass and if so then it worths the try, otherwise I will try again, no rush here.

That is an interesting pattern, it can occur with things - that I start it and then I do not lose motivation, as I still want it - but I am not fully dedicated, the absolute commitment is not consistent for driving tests.

So it is a hope that without the practical application of consistent accumulation I will still get what I want, even when seeing that this is required for it.

With the hope that I am smart enough, I will get lucky for the right questions in the test, I might figure it out, and I do not have to do it the hard way, meaning sitting and learning each answer properly.

Will investigate this pattern more.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how and why I manifest patterns what is not effective and allowing resistance towards understanding, investigating resistances within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistances within me and not realizing what I resist will persist.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to reckognize the pattern that I do not move directly but accumulate energy of tension about what I defined as important and then judging myself according to the action done versus importance of doing it as it should do and feeling conflicted, frictioned and by that accumulating energy with what wanting to engage it right, meaning after failing first, getting the energy of I need to learn more so by that actually do what was obvious from the first moment as requirement, but still allowing hope for not learning everything properly first of maybe I can skip it yet get what I want.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

[JTL 132] Letting go Self-definitions from childhood films, movies

Continuing on the 7 Years of Journey to Life

Movie mind, what I have thought originally from movies as a child:

That man has to fight for woman and woman go to money and power and man go to beauty.
That man has to behave in order to have woman.
That man has to make sacrifice to have woman.
That woman are for keeping the race up and running with pleasure.

I can do extraordinary things physically - if needed - not really - one slip and one steeps for a month.
Extraordinary not means stupid and reckless.
Extraordinary with common sense.
Step by step, accumulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form ideas how a man should behave or woman should behave according to films, movies, series and thinking that is the role model for me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that even when not thinking that there is a role model for me on tv,movies - I experience it just as experiencing any living thing and then from my mind it is not difference that it is a memory from my own life or a memory watching it on screen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave, and do things what I have defined/thought as civilized in order to get women's attention, friendship, partership and only holding myself back within the belief that it is required to 'get' the woman just as in the movie, tv.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back in any way whatsoever in order to get something and not realizing that the compromise I make and become instead of just live opportunities directly without value, definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, define and believe that women are for keeping mankind surviving and reproducing while man can have pleasure with woman or at least seeing and getting this idea from family, system, movies, films somehow.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any definition, picture what I automatically do judge and react to is a reflection from my past trying to superimpose reality with opinion.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that each participants, such as women are equal part of the system and to use them as subject means I am not able to stand as equal as the system therefore I am inferior within the system in regards to it's whole.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that anything I react I can learn to do automatically within the believe that it is me meanwhile it is of thoughts, feelings, emotions energy of the mind which I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always turn my center focus to the woman being present as the most desireable, most valuable and attractive for me and behaving in relation to my thoughts about her and not realizing that by this I am not here as free but as of self-judgment, self-doubt, fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can do extraordinary things physically without common sense and not realizing that the physical is the real and it's laws are here constantly and within the rush and energy of experience forgetting all the wounds, mistakes I've made and then became injured - or thinking about these injuries and that's why not doing something, not because of common sense but because of fear from injury - so both ways: disregarding physical while going to opinion, worry, expectation, fear or recklessness, stupidity, foolishness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when I do need, I can do extraordinary and defining myself like that and by that and using it as an excuse for not doing the utmost I can in every moment by thinking 'when I need, I can do more, but this time I do not need' - and manipulating myself into energetic states instead of directly living here undefined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the most common sensical, practical way to accumulate is to act within consistency and not with energy but directly as physical.

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Monday, October 28, 2013

[JTL 131] Self-correction:Talking about Films, Movies with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and consider watching films and movies when people say it is good and I should watch it without using common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I felt left out when people were talking about a film I did not see and feeling I do not have context to go into the commnication and then feeling separated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to persuade people to watch what I have watched and suggest them to watch, just because I think it is good and it is my point of view and then later after they're watched it they might agree with me on it's 'goodness' and feeling cool together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a feeling of good whel talking with people about a movie what we watched and then remembering scenes and re-sounding it feels like cool and then we are occupied with it without being aware what we are doing as skipping reality and stimulate each other into a feeling of energy.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all schemas, types, states of mind and feelings are inner separation systems to block direct reality from oneself to experience within the fear of needing thoughts, feelings, emotions to tell me who we feel how we feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form desire to watch specific movies just because by the review/trailer/other's talk it is the kind of movie I could enjoy and then thinking about it and be obsessed about it to just watch it meanwhile disregarding everything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to praise somebody who has been acted in a movie and seeing her/him publically feeling great about seeing and thinking and reacting about the movie, and the person's role and how I enjoyed the movie and when I did enjoy it, feeling positive about meeting it's actor and the whole thing is just inflated feeling over my definition of value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people who work in film industry are the kings and not realizing that it is just work they do and all day they push and it is not pleasant and thinking that they are special and unique just because the value I've put into the movie itself as makes me feel cool.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within thinking about a movie's aggressive part I am accepting aggression and I am thinking it is alright to watch it because looks and feels cool how it is showed meanwhile not realizing that it is programming fear to the watchers whether they realize it or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy talk about the funny moments of films together and feeling great about the humor just repeating it and then feeling this energetic connection with the others who also feel good about it.
When and as I talk about movies with people - I remain here, silent, directive and whenever feelings come - I stop, I breathe, I realize it is of self-definition of not being here, so I am re-aligning myself here, physical, presence.

When and as I se someone from a film crew, a film actor, I remain here, directive, use common sense - and if I want to do something with the person, I approach directly but still I remain silent, present.

When and as I am in an conversation about a film how specific scenes are cool feeling to talk about - I remain here and I see when is my reaction coming up and I let it go - I change myself and stop my automatic associations - I direct here the memory I am present, I am breathing.

When and as I worry I did not yet see a specific movie - I realize I can let go the reaction, the devotion for feeling and remain silent, directive - whether I watch it or not - it is just a film, movie I realize and I do not go into feeling neither positive or negative - I am breathing, I am here.

I commit myself to stop the feelings, thoughts coming up automatically regarding to films, movies when talking about it with somebody - I remain here, directive, I do not go into the experience that much that losing presence, breathing - I stop the reaction yet I am responsive, I am immediate, direct.

I commit myself to stop reacting to films, movies with thoughts, feelings and see them what they exactly are without opinion.

I commit myself to stop gossiping about movies films and have the feeling and the reaction towards it as positive as how cool it is and how cool to speak about people to have this feeling together while not realizing that I am timelooping within self-judgments instead of directly communicating about the movie without the energy of positive and negative.

I commit myself to enjoy directly movies or not enjoy them without judgment, without thoughts, feelings, emotions but directly, immediately undefined, within presence.

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Sunday, October 27, 2013

[JTL 130] Childhood desires from Movies, TV

Still decomposing TV, Movie - related mind activities to slow down, prevent and let go completely.
(see previous posts)

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am and what I want to do from movies, TV Series and defining it as a source from who I can learn who I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live life as pictured in movies, TV films, comparing to how I perceive my life with the things I see on the screen and defining that desirable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the TV, Movie films are idealized and completely result of imaginacion and not related how real life is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire things to have when I was kid and did not enjoy my life, to dream about fullfilling myself with the things I've seen in movies and TV what I've defined as cool, as I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after having a hydroplane and fly over the ocean between islands just because I've seen it in movies, first time in a Bud Spencer movie and wanting to have that feeling to be able to just fly around among tropical islands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being able to fly around tropical islands with a hydroplane as power, as richness, as fullfillment, as interesting and always dreaming about it and in fact never doing anything to manifest so it is purely an imagination to escape from what is here when compared to what I experience currently versus what I want to experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the temptation of the mind to feel, energize, think, visualize, imagine about things, points, events, objects, women what I've seen in movies, TV films and thinking about these as possible, preferable things to do if I would have the opportunity and never realizing that it is not who I really am but who I allowed myself to be programmed.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that to see something in a film, movie is alright but to be obsessed with what I see and think abouot it all the time is self-dishonesty as meanwhile more and more disregarding what I am currently within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, define that it is alright to allow such childhood desires and imagination within myself believing that it is part of myself and never considering the possibility that it was of fear, it was of separation when I allowed it to possess me, a feeling, an energetic experience what I have became addicted to re-and re-experience when things are tough where and as I live physically to have an experience of 'feeling good' to balance out the actually self-induced, manifested experience of 'feeling bad'.

I forgive myself that I have never ever considered to see/uderstand/realize that when I have an experience of 'feeling bad' - that it is not about how to balance out, to occupy myself with 'feeling good' as an automatic response but to see within, investigate, question myself that what is the reason that I have concluded to the point of 'feeling bad' and to PREVENT it is the solution without any inner reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire lot of things what I've seen from movies and wanting to, desiring to experience, just once in a lifetime at least to have a feeling that 'I am living' and not realizing, actually never understanding that 'really living' is not related to copy and experience things what I've seen in TV, Movies and defined as 'that is life' while comparing to what I 'live' as not really life and having the polarity and wanting to change the energetic charge, the feel of this self-judgment of 'how is my life'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories with feelings associated to automatically come up within me without questioning and define and experience as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about memories, desires, what I've formed from movies, films and defining that as myself directly and not slowing down to a degree to be here and see that when I use that feeling and memory - I am not aware what is here, what is in and as my human physical body so it is a form of disregard what I define as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and become anxious when feeling like I have to give up all desires what I've formed since my childhood based on TV, Movies and not realizing that these are patterns what I've held onto to have an experience of feeling positive when I had the negative experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the existence 'system' works like I have to let go the 'subject' of my desire and for that I will get it anyway - and not realizing that I am trying to manipulate my feelings of what I want and hope that I get it some way I am not directing and never realizing that it is a feeling of hope what is energetically stimulating me to not act immediately, but wait, be positive.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I really want I have to do it myself directly, without hesitation, judgment and fear.

I forgive myself that I have never seen/realized/understood the common sense to stop the feelings towards what I want to experience in this life and actually let everything go and remain here as the 'I' simply being here without any knowledge, information, memory to define who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to get free of everything I experience as my limitation is simply let go everything I've defined and react automatically to.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within fear from not being able to fullfill, live and experience my life as who I've defined myself to want to live - I actually block myself into not act but feel in the mind with thoughts, energies and while being occupied like that - I am actually manifesting the pattern of not manifesting what I fear from not manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my personality has formed based on desires from my early age and because I am not fully aware of all the desires, worries, fears - it is still of and as me as suppressed and stored in and as the mind what automatically uses it to reflect back equal as one my starting point as who I manifested myself to be until becoming aware of the pattern, understanding the conditions and be able to let it go, not react, forgive, stop, delete and remove from my beingness and remain here, undefined, physical directly.

When and as I experience a dream, desire to come up, or remembering a wish from childhood - I stop and I stop it and I see where it comes from and is it of movies, films I've seen and formed a reaction of I need that? And I let it go and I remain here - I realize the pattern and I prevent next time to come up by not reacting to it this time.

When and as I experience desire as separation but devotion to experience it - I realize I have allowed myself to define myself based on feelings, thoughts so I stop and re-align myself with being here, physical, direct, disregarding thoughts, feelings, emotions and I breathe - slowly but surely and I bring myself fully here by realizing that desire is of fear from past and I am here.

When and as I desire things what I have defined as I need to live, have, fullfill when I was child or younger - I realize in that particular time I have experienced the mind as my starting point and within that the separation, the polarity and the positive and negative was not real, but of judgments, comparison and fear so I stand here and I let it go and I focus to what is here.

I commit myself to stop defining, desiring myself based on, according to movies, tv films and all what I've seen as cool, preferable, I need that, this is who I am judgments coming up - I stop and I let it go and I remain undefined.

I commit myself to investigate all desires, fears, reactions within what I am unable to immediately directly understand, stop: to see how I have manifested such self-definition what comes up automatically and I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction to stop it as stopping myself to go 'in there' as feeling, thought and I stand here within breathing.

I commit myself to prevent myself to have desires and judgments, reactions, hopes when seeing movie tv from now on and whenever I feel like 'that's cool, I want that' - I realize it is automatic and I slow down and I use common sense - is it really practical and I want to be?

I commit myself to stop experiences to define who I am and forget myself and presence in and as experience - I breathe and I slow down within and I participate within experience, I am experience but I am not of experience - I am presence, here, breathing and experiences will come and go and I remain consistent.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

[JTL 129] Self-commitment: Priorities and TV Series, Movies

I write Self-commitments for decide, to have direction and specifically about points give myself the clarity of what is my will what I am currently manifesting in action.

About Film, Movie watching - I made the habit to watch films, series and that was fun and watched through some some fun but as I am engaging towards production more seriously - I do need time - not just alone-computer-time but actually effective 'abstract' time towards people as well.

And movies are so long and most of them are clichee anyway - especially the action ones - it is enough to watch some of those in a year and the trend will change anyway.

About Fantasy I wrote before - and science fiction I still have reactions - especially some recent new movies - but they will wait for me and in that topic there is rare the really cool anyway, so that is irrelevant.

I would not be Self-honest if I would deny my affection towards films, movies - so that is why I write about it so extensively here - and each post is a puzzle within the whole picture.

There was also a moment when I decided to watch more movies - when the fast broadband internet and the torrent era came in - to just watch contemporary movies, to see how they manage the edit, the camera work, the grade, the acting, the effects - especially I enjoyed the WERK-films.

But recently I realize I kind of got bored of those anyway - I know everything what I wanted - no need to watch these more and in fact the most precious part of myself is the effective time I can apply to activities.

So then I even share what I commit to LIVE as myself, even from the very moment of writing it down - should be clear - secrets are of the mind and supports separation, hierarchy, fear - I do not need to hide any fears - I want to let go, transcend all fears.

So Self-commitments on TV-Series, Movies.

I commit myself to not be the slave of experience in any way whatsoever and always consider facts, physical reality and the direction I am walking.

I commit myself to not define movies, tv-series as a must to watch, I let go the need, the strive, the self-definition that I am this guy who likes to watch movies, learn, study, and see my reactions.

I commit myself to not get lost in the experience of watching Series, Movies - if I experience that - I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself here, constantly here, and still experience it - be aware of the mind, but not as it, not of it - I am here.

I commit myself to always consider my priorities when I want to watch movie, series - 'Do I have more important thing to do than watch movie, series?' and answer to that within absolute self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts, feelings, reactions towards watching movies, series - which one I want to watch or which one not - I simply decide in the moment within the consideration of priorities, time, commitments.

I commit myself to remain here when I watch Series - even when the episode ends intensely - I consider - do I have time, is it practical to continue, do I have more important things to do? I watch an other just because of the tension, the intensity, the curiosity even when I have overdue scheduling?

I commit myself to be able to stop any series, movies at any time without any reaction, any thought, any feeling - I simply stop it and I am here and that was an experience and then the next one and the in one breath I am still here.

I commit myself to see my reactions when watching movies, series, what is coming up, anxiety, worry, curiosity, fear, desire - and I see is it relevant, is it practical is it really supporting me? And if not then I simply stop, let it go and I remain here within and as breathing.

I commit myself to stop defining some specific/ specific kind of films, movies as 'must watch' such as blockbuster science fictions, or action movies of some actors who I've defined as great before - I simply let all definitions go here - one by one and all at the same time - as it comes but I stop watching movies and series by default.

I commit myself to stop defining myself regarding to series, movies - stop comparing myself to actors, events, scenarios, plots from films, movies through throughts, automatic associations - I remain here, empty, clear in all moments and if something comes up as thinking, feeling - I stop, I stop it, I re-align myself to be here, directive, present.

I commit myself to stop all personality, consciousness manifestations, definitions, reactions, movements within and as me what is from films, movies to tell me who I must be, how I must be as I am clear who I am as presence, physical in and as here.

I commit myself to stop the desire to be in a movie, to live a life as being in a movie - I am here - undefined, physical, here.

There are much more important things to do than entertainment - and while doing that - there is still possible to enjoy movies but within Self-honesty: to be obsessed and lost in the experience of movies is unacceptable.
Especially when considering many humans, beings are being abused within the current economic, political system what is nothing else but the external reflection of our inner starting point, which can and will be changed - by accumulation of individuals who can consider new paradigms, establishments, systems within the living of a dignified life is guaranteed. That is not utopia, just check out there are actual steps of manifesting it within several countries, for a betterment of the human system itself.

It is obvious that the corporate and economic feudalism must be changed, and there are great places on the internet to be educated about the facts, the possible scenarios, discuss with beings who are able to consider more than Self-interest within common sense, which should be much-much more common.

So check out these sites where people discuss about possible practical solutions:

Thursday, October 24, 2013

[JTL 128] Self-correction: Priorities and TV Series, Movies

As I write myself down - I slow down and I am able to see all details of myself - and see what is relevant, what is the best practical way to act and with Self-correction statements I give a structure, a momentary framework to assist myself with re-learning, re-adjusting, re-defining, re-aligning myself what I have realized within previous writing, Self-forgiveness.

This way I have the first layer in physical - as the writing - typing - about how and why and what I want to change - not 'just' change 'randomly' or 'feeling fed up and want to change but not entirelly sure what and how' - everything is here - in front of myself as the words - and then I live these words and then the written, spoken and the acting becomes one and equal.

So I had this experience of conflict within me in regards to movies, films, so I walk through it with these tools, what I have learned, still learning to live from Desteni I Process - and that assists and if one uses it within self-honesty: can overcome to most of the issues humans face in these days: doubt, desire, addiction, uncertainty, overwhelming thoughts, lack of self-confidence, fear, paranoia, mania - just write down each details within absolute self-honesty and apply self-forgiveness.

And within Self-forgiveness: I decide to change, I give a new chance to myself and writing it is already ACTION - which accumulates - and accumulating action leads to consequence: same way with deprogramming patterns of not efficient/self-interest and the same with re-programming self with efficiency/life-interest from the simplest tasks/details towards the most profound way of living simply using the words and stopping the reactions within but living them directly as self.

This way it is the most direct tool to understand our already manifested creation and stand up to it and become equal as one and realize facts and the starting point and see where the fear/worry/doubt/thinking comes up and realize how it is self-dishonesty - and then the commitment to stop it - and by stopping: One already starts explore what it means to live, slowly but surely.

So here I stop my automatic reactions and behavior towards movies, tv series and align myself with the direction I want to go. It seems superficial but there are some aspects of myself what are in fact already superficial but most of the people do not even realize it, not 'working' on/ 'taking the time' to investigate how one is already manifested behaving - and doing so - can realize the starting point is tainted with fear, worry, doubt, which is absolutely not human nature, not who we are and with these simple tools using consistently - we can in fact change ourselves and become unwavering, direct, self-expression without accepting any fear, excuse and justification.
This has not been made by parents, education, corporations - what can not be blamed as we individually can in fact understand our already manifested creation and change it, first by stopping. Stopping each pattern what we realize it is not supporting ourselves, others.
So stopping becomes natural and the more we stop the automatic patterns, the more we can see what is really going on and can take action what matters, what has impact and relevant not only for our lives but for all.

Continuing with Self-correction about the point of prioritizing TV/Movie "entertainment" versus commitments.

When and as I have some time I consider what is the most important thing to do using common sense - simply bringing up all here and see which I should do while realizing it is not compromise but a decision to do what is most important to me.

When and as I go into the conflict within about shall I do my priorities or do other things what are mostly involving not my active movement but passive reactions such as watching TV Series, Movies - I realize - my priorities are more important than to becoming passive.

When and as I realize I have conflict within me about shall I just chill out and watch a movie or film - I realize that my priorities are also me - so if I have problem with what I decided to do - then I reconsider and I change my priorities and see how that fits and I stop, I let the conflict go and decide and act here without any reaction, thought, feeling, connotation.

When and as I worry that I work too much, too hard, and I should need and require some entertainment, fun, chill out, relax such as watching movie, film - I see within that this experience of 'I work too much' is real or I just use it as an excuse to not do what I should - and according to that - I let go the desire to work and I see what is the reason I do not want to do what I should.

When and as I see that I do not want to do my priorities in and as the moment and comes up the feeling, thought, movement that I should do watch movie, film - I realize that there is a resistance for doing what I decided, I should, and I must do - and accepting that resistance I prepare myself to accept it the next time as well, so I stop the resistance and see what is the reason for coming up and apply Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness to realize and change my fear specifically about the point.

When and as I worry that I do not have time to keep up and watch all the films, movies I've desired for, decided to, thought about, I realize that the films, movies will wait for me and my priorities will not wait - that's why in the moment are priorities.

When and as I realize I procrastinate my process-related commitments, priorities - I stop and I let everything go and I direct myself to be aware that my process is who I really am in terms of Self-realization - so to prolong that, I prolong myself what with I will accumulate frustration what with I will fed up and realize that I must do my priorities anyway.

When and as I worry that I do not have time for all my priorities and still be relaxed, calm and yet effective but exhausted, tired, weaken - I realize I've put too much on my shoulder and for that there is nothing to judge - I am in the process of finetuning myself as trusting myself in and as the moment without judgment, reaction cycles to stimulate, move me, but I direct myself, I change myself, I move myself and I simply re-arrange my priorities and I act without any reaction, judgment, worry, feeling, though, simply breathing as the next moment and move along and embrace the next moment.

When and as I feel like I want to watch series what is so interesting that I'd like to discard my priorities, commitments - I realize that the series gives an experience of excitement, curiosity and stimulates me to watch it meanwhile in fact I allow the tendency to be tempted to stimulate myself more and more with a point - here such as Series meanwhile the things in and as reality will pile up and compound what should and must be done such as my Journey to Life blogging, The DIP course, the group participation, the other process-related sharings what I committed to do, walk, share as I have realized and still be aware that it is the most practical way to sort out my delusions and apply what is best for all and support others as myself as well so to procrastinate that towards being sucked into tv series is simply self-dishonesty, self-interest.

When and as I worry I do not allow myself to watch series, movies - I realize I can give to myself time to watch but to having watching more than 1-2 movies a day or watching series episodes more than 2-3 hours a day indicates that I have an issue what I divert from or I am being tempted to my energetic addiction to feel, think, be emotional instead of be directive principle here.

When and as I have not yet written my JTL blog writing and my Agreement course assignment is in late - I postpone watching movies, series - and I do the blogging, I write the assignment - or parts of it and AFTER that I can allow myself to watch movies, series.

When and as I procrastinate my JTL writing and DIP course assignment or other commitments, such as doing some music work or video work for myself or others - I realize - with postponing these I will only manifest worry, frustration, self-judgment, thinking, conflict, fear instead of giving myself the gift of simply doing these first in a practical way and then after realizing that I still can have time for other things what are less priority such as tv, movie, gaming, meeting others, walkabout etc.

When and as I feel tired and exhausted while doing my priorities - I check is it physical tiredness or lack of energy and temptation to energize myself with excitement such as tv film, movie and then watching it and after it becoming more tired and then my priorities have not yet been made: I realize this pattern and I'd rather take a rest, nap for 10-30 minutes and after that doing what I decided to do with empty mind, self-direction, no energy.

When and as I feel a particular way towards what I want to see, enjoy in tv, movie such as topics, styles, kind of movies such as action, sci-fi, fantasy, humour, art - I realize I have the self-definition that I need that, I lack of that what I can experience from and by that self-definition of separation, I strive for the experience to have it and not realizing that within experiencing it I only judge and define doing it and then only being equal and one with what I need through and as the mind - so then the solution is to stop and stop the definition, the lack, the feeling, the thought and embrace what is here.

When and as I want to watch a specific movie - I stop thinking, reacting - I simply decide when I can do it and by scheduling it I can consider other things such as priorities, commitments so then I do not need to have conflict within by watching it for disregarding what is more important.

When and as I have the experience of wanting to experience something I realize it is because I allow the mind move, the definition to drive me, the lack to pull me, the fear of not being fulfilled to control me - and the solution is to let go everything and be here and breathe, use common sense and decide and act - without the thinking, feeling.

When and as I worry that it is too much to write blog and assignment and other commitments every day - I realize that in fact any day I do not progress within stopping the mind - it is a progress within moving and being as the mind, the direct opposite what I have committed to do as process of becoming equal and one as the mind and be the directive principle as life-interest which is what is best for all.

When and as I have the temptation to do something all day, night and wanting to feel like it is great - I realize if I do have commitments not yet done for the day - then I should do it first and then do what I want.

When and as I am with others all the time on the day and I see that I have priority, commitment to do such as writing or video or music work - I do not allow conflict within - I simply direct myself and communicate - I do require that amount of time until I finish my to-do and that's it - and I do not go to worry that the other person will not understand or will leave or judge me or disregard me. If the person does such thing then I let it go - and I communicate next time more clearly that it must be done and that's it.

When and as I do not want to do something because of my worry of not having enough time for my commitments, assignments, priorities - I realize it is not cool because I use the worry-reaction first to generate energy to stop doing something and then when I will not have worry - I will not have energy to stop myself doing other things than my priorities, so I realize to do what I decided does not require energy, reason, justification - that is self-decision, self-will, self-direction.

To be continued with Self-commitments

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

[JTL 127] Transcending definitions of ART and realizing LIFE

So with this TV-Mind blog series I've tapped into some pretty cool stuff - meaning self-dishonesty to face and stabilize to be aware of those by writing out here to be able to correct myself to remain undefined.

In 2004, right after my realizations with acid, meditation(of being limited in and as my mind), I came to the conclusion that these experiences might show glimpses but I have to move, I have to do, I have to act, I have to be myself directly and then these things will no matter anymore.

I was always aware that no matter how people handle acid as profound - give someone enough stuff and simply can not go through cars of the traffic within safety - and that I always seen as disadvantage - like one can be more aware of one's MIND but the real, actual, physical reality not so much - so to be obsessed with MIND-altering drugs means to be obsessed with the MIND; not the actual physical existence.

And of course there are bunch of believers who state the consciousness being more real and profound and the origin etc but it is obvious that in this existence, the physical is the most stable, consistent and trust-able reality so anything one claims to have realized, 'enlighted up' about: if not manifested in the physical: it is just an experience, not real, not valid to lean on.

That was with me as well: these experiences I had - pretty hectic ones, like body-swapping consciousness switch with people, gridline structures and energy, mandala, eye-field dimensions, alien-like perceptions, beings, symbols as well - to see myself within each one or to see the whole consciousness system as a great spiral to it's end where one can walk to easily to see the reality of light consciousness is just a frame,a con, a mask on the actual darkness, limitless and endless possibilities of existence.

I could write whole books of my experiences, extra-and ultra-ordinary perceptions but none of those matter when I face a simple point in this reality and I react with thinking instead of act within self-direction within the consideration of what is best for me, best for all as equal as one.

I see it here - no drug with I can be more myself than who I am without - and no matter how much I meditate on things, stuff, myself, existence, unification - it still must be done directly as physical action in and as human physical body.

So then I was able to let go the idea of myself, who has to meditate, to calm, to peace out, to settle down, to find my inner peace - because these were just some fooling around - and I came to the conclusion that I can be my own creation so then I have to create myself a way what I actually can enjoy and being comfortable with.

Unfortunately back in there I had no real principles, just memories and experiences to compare with, so then I took a leap of faith from where I was and decided to learn and do art while do some spiritual tantric stuff. That brought me to some practical realizations but still - I was not satisfied because the art thing was still not coming consistently through - like doing 5-10 expressions and 1 or 2 I liked but the most I did not and also within my meditation I was able to keep up a clean mind but things just came up right after stopping the occupation within the 'practices'. It seemed like I was not really changing but I was proving to myself constantly that I can change, I can change, I should be calm as I see that I can change, but not actually change within the fear of then I might lose direction and lost in experience.

I always had my default attitude to just absorb everything until I explode and then actually do and experience something and that was energetically extremely intense however it was still of a timeloop within I approached several transcendance points and then I missed to stand without the duality of the mind and I had to scout my intent around the methods with what I could indirectly drive myself into an other chance of practical realization.

But it was always flawed with the idea of fear in a way: comparison, wanting to prove, definition of worthiness and appreciation and energy addiction, identification.

Energy itself is nothing - but to see, realize, understand it's dynamics and how it is created from and as physical existence is the realisation and the starting point to let go.

My very decision to do art was that I've initially judged myself as more likely as an engineer, architect, overmind wherein I was like the most far away from myself is to perform art - art, what seems like channeling some outstanding expression which is unique and directly self without any limit and to forget our minds, desires, fears and just express and express and express without any stop and that challenged me so then I studied music, painting, travelled around continents with my instruments and played along and learned to open up, let go to stop this urge to prove and stabilize my worthiness for myself and others.

I've seen all the possibilities of who I can become: a guru, a general, a politician or even a businessman but these I did not like as I wanted to be more 'unconscious' yet 'aware' so I wanted have grasp art and with that ability:

-to prove myself that if I can be artist, that means I can change myself to whatever I want(because I originally perceived myself pretty much anything but artist)

-to have an artistic ability to express myself and point of views, realizations to share myself

-to come to the point of being able to 'trust' myself to a degree to just be myself

Then I explored computer music production, percussion, jewsharp, working in art shop, juggling, living on street, basking, everything what pushed me to expressing myself directly 'out' without internal conversation, without even having time for doubt.

That assisted me a lot but still I was unable to trust myself as this was still external stimulation - what I did but when I came back home it stopped - so I started to understand how I can stimulate myself into states of mind - and where are my weaknesses and strengths - helps a lot to face people, unknown people who do not hold back to express their reaction towards me.

So then I got critique, positive and negative as well and then with music I faced a wall - wall of my perfection what did not allow through anything what I did not enjoy from my full of beingness.

With juggling I was not aware but I was preparing myself for dancing - I never understood, felt dancing before but after a while playing devil sticks and juggling clubs - I felt like I am dancing already so then I was able to learn the joy of dancing.

One occasion was enough to chemically induce my shy closedness to turn into becoming dance itself and realizing that the physical movement is who I am directly so then since that I am dancing joyfully - that assisted me a lot for letting go the strive for art but still my starting point was of the mind, so it was never consistent, stable but stimulated, directed by past, future, so my present was always in duality, conflict.

I've lost my trust in the world(what lead me to trust myself here) in Asia and I did let go all spiritual mumbo jumbo and I was able to realize the most powerful thing is this moment I have and express myself and in the moment I stop this, I am dead - so to become alive is to live in all moments like there is nothing next - and to actually push myself into and as the moment.

I had some near death experiences which through I realized - there is nothing to lose actually as I have lost everything already - I must walk up from that moment by moment.

After all I've became familiar with Desteni tools, people, education, correction and with that I was able to put my starting point right where I am: here, always here, in and as my breath as the very moment I always exist as and from the principle of equality and oneness I started to face my creation from a very practical yet deeply profound point of view.

That gives me the edge of Self-honesty to be able to see what is not the direction I want to go anymore, such as self-judgments, doubt, burning desires, worries and comparison and I had to realize I have a unique skillset for changing what anyone can grasp if opens up enough to understand facts.

Then I've started this blog in January of 2008 to share my walking through of any separation from all what is here.

This Mind through we perceive ourselves separated and different is quite hidden from all of us however within the right direction, through a proper education one can start to learn common sense, to see with a very different eyes with what everything will start to make sense and our life becomes more simple - not easier, especially when directly seeing the consequences, responsibilities we have - but it is more obvious and simple about what to do in order to equalize ourselves and our society, the system and focus on to practical solutions.

Within sharing myself I've started to explore VLOGging, meaning talking head and sharing it and see what the world reacts, what I do react and to stop my reaction and remain inner silent. For me it was always a strive, a battle - what then I realized - with inner conflict, I can not stop my self-dishonesty: my separation from what is really going on here, so I had to realize I must understand my conflicts and solve them practically.

My conflicts were always like not having enough time, around relationships, women, artistic perfection and monetary limits until this year I realized as long as I accept conflict within - I accept conflict outside of me as well.

So to stop the conflict within I stop, I let all go, I see what I am within and I decide and act and if I make mistake - I do not judge but again: I stop, I see, I breathe, I decide and act. That for there is no need thinking, feeling: I just express directly, like a newborn, naturally yet aware of details, consequences, starting point as myself.

I've started to make videos, not just VLOGs, but some animation with some practical knowledge, like Fuzzy logic, understanding the mind and somehow I came to the conclusion that with images and sounds together I am more stimulated, others as well, so I started to experiment with videos. I have so much to share, to explain, to understand, some things it is easier to show than just explain.

In that time I had limited computer hardware and software so I was struggling and I always pushed the edge - there were so many mistakes, so much unfinished, failed projects yet there were some promising things so I kept making videos, kept learning about composition, recording, post work day by day, week by week, year by year and now I have some skills I can not doubt anymore.

My hands are doing the job while recording, compositing, mixing - without separation, without judgment, without thinking, without fear.

That I never appreciated, I never estimated how much I've learnt through the last years and never allowed myself to realize: I do not need to strive or reach out for art anymore: whatever art means, I do not have to doubt myself.

No need to see more art movies for 'study' or 'learn' art - not required to judge my expression as not worthy anymore. Yet I do not say I am perfect or I am great artist - I simply say I stopped the ridiculous backchats and addiction to prove to myself that I can be artist, that's such a bullshit.

That was the same I realized in this summer while going to trance festivals - I created myself in a way that within trance dance I was able to stop the thoughts, enjoy silence and feel presence - so I was obsessed with dancing, with trance, with mind-methods, however with walking Desteni tools I realized - I can reproduce silence, peace without dancing, without anything external, just with applying the Principle, Self-forgiveness, Self-direction within Self-change through stopping the patterns what are not Self-honest. So then going into dancing has became not just joy because of what I can achieve with, not because it is my 'method' of silence, peace and physical presence - but simply because it is myself - no need to dance for experiencing myself - but if I do - I do it not for that reason - I simply dance as self in the moment. That is quite a topic I will expand later as many go to these parties with drugs to probably have that experience, to reproduce, to achieve that state of feel of self while this starting point will always leave some amount of strive for more fullfilled satisfaction.

I've tested myself within dancing extensively, especially with my style of dancing: 'russian' psychedelic "hitech" trance - and still visiting these events but not for any achievment - only expressing, sharing who I am without any superficion.

To return to innocence and not yet lost in the details but remain resonant to any levels, details of our whole existence is simply available through applying Self-honesty, Writing and Self-forgiveness and really LIVE it - this is the most fearful thing to any human to do, because anything one believed, thought, felt before will go and something more alive will be discovered, explored.

And I am sure there are some people who are kind of advanced already within their physical consistency, just watching these outstanding dancers recently how they are aware of the details of their each movements: that is physical awareness already - which is much-much more than just meditating but to actually living the body directly here: I am grateful to experience such beings.

I have different views with the most beloved words humans use such love, beauty as I see the other part of the polarity as well, destruction, abuse and horror for many humans, lifeforms and to see everything undefined: there is no such any beauty what is worthy if it is of any abuse. And there are some establishments in this human system actually what are abusing beyond any measure with each of ourselves participating: the monetary system which denies to value LIFE itself, but only the competition of some winning and most of them losing, the energy wars towards resources, surviving, piling up property while in fact we are equally made from clay, water and the unconditional LOVE of the Sun, Earth which we never could reproduce to such degree on what we get - and to realize that this world is not beautiful, nature is not beautiful, we, humans are not beautiful overally - and any individual is representing the whole system as equal as one - so if anyone is being hurt - that is the responsibility what all others must be faced.

This does not mean one must be a monk, a self-restricting, self-denial robot-zombie - still possible a way to express, still enjoy ourselves but within the consideration of all as well as it is an individual expression of Life what we each represent - Life is all we are with no exception and to agree on values of each of us could grant such changes within our society quite fast, so then we could really ensure to love our neighbor as ourselves.

But to be able to have this direct unification with any part of this existence is possible, not just in art - that should be the gate which through something can be lived what is more aware, direct, responsible for all of us and stand up for all life.

That I define art to be: to become the representative of all life equally and express that in all moments breath by breath on all levels, moments of human existence.

Not just in areas of music, painting, sculpturing, dancing, juggling etc but in all areas of life - even economic, political manifestations of ourselves require this sense of Art as Life and then actually we could realize points what can lead us to practically explore how to make the SYSTEM to be Loving, Beautiful in the way as supporting and giving to everyone.

Not as currently the human system is being ruthless, unhuman and not respecting LIFE but energy, mind, consciousness - disregarding the physical and praising experience, which will not last and always conditioned to: substance from which we are formed, which through we are manifested as equal as one as Earth.

So thank you for being part of this existence and enjoy Self-honesty and see when the thoughts move and I am sure you can realize that it is not the most perfect state of being - look at all the greatest moments in your life: there are no thoughts - if there was any - then there was separation, doubt, fear, desire or comparison, energy: that is not necessary and in fact is in the way of live without separation/limitation AS existence.

What also I realized that I am here to judge no one - not even myself - so to stop judgment is the first step I stabilize here.

Just like in this writing series about TV, Movie: I am letting go these and it is not I was slave of these but I had some judgments about these without being aware that by these jugments I was influencing myself, filtering out reality in a way I did not see, so writing all my mind assists me to see: is that real, is that me, is that really life or just compromise?

Thank you very much, feel free to respond

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

[JTL 126] ART decomposition, Self-forgiveness part 2

Yesterday I was writing about what definitions, judgments I am holding onto in regards to the word: ART.

Art has been one of the most used - and maybe abused words - as I see there could be polarity in that.

Art versus mundane - but in daily life one can find art - just anywhere - so art probably by itself means literally nothing/everything.

Art school or computer science school - can a fart ever be a fan art? Artificial artillery of Artemis is ARTiculed so by the word it would suggest something 'great', 'skillful'.

The value we give to it - and that value is measured with money - and obviously if we all were alright, we would not prioritize any form of commonly accepted 'art' being more important than a human - or animal - life.

One painting worths of billions while there are actually real people who starve to death while one hyperrich buys that piece of canvas with those colorspots. I do not feel alright about this - real value is what is real and not interchangeable.

It might seem that this kid looks like the same as that one but certainly they are two different human beings, indiviual expressions of LIFE itself equally. So the screwed-upness in the system currently how regards art is just crazy and obviously we are all responsible for it as we actually VALUE things within our head and prioritizing what is more important than other.

Also many people create films, movies in the name of art and then selling it for lot of money - and they live 'great' - art sells, as long as it is popular.

For me probably more things can be referred as art than others - a spider or a sunglare - a dead dove or owlpuke - glorious or dreadful - it does not really matter.

Who can say BREATH is not ART - when I Breath - I am here as eARTh - heart of earth is where breath living: always here, wherever, whenever so then no more explanation for what is - and what is not art if this? How many people are actually aware of each breath as art of life?

Real art would be to be able to take responsibility for each - and to ensure no heART is broken of any lacking what is just a not fair energy-power-resource-distribution. And within this perfectly flawed system art is just an other product, a catalysator what boosts the system but does it really change it?

How glorious would be to imagine that Matrix movie would push people to really waking up?

Or after watching through any Film, Movie and to say that: alright, with this impulse I am ready, able, willing, committed to work for what is best for all as it is common sense that is the best for me as well.

That simply it really could be? A feeling, a reaction not really means much - or one can be constantly stimulated to the feel of something, like religion, drugs, series - repeating the input to have certain output - turing machine stuff - the mind does it quite alright - with our acceptance, without our understanding, without seeing the manifested physical consequences - so any idea, definition infested with any expression of 'art' is just opinion, another reaction of the mind - real world awaits here.

So this whole thing started with the decomposition of why I watch films, movies - and the topic of : ART MOVIE came up.

So what is art movie? Previously there was this category, wherein the art cinema you can not get popcorn, you just watch, and artists come to watch, not just guys with baseball caps - and the movie has less effects, much-less action and possibly surrealistic dialogues and of course some really nice shots.

The original idea for film, movie was for me to learn and develop myself - when I was child - so if I watch - I change - I can actually open myself up and learn - or to know or to perceive differently - that means worked out characters, world, story, dialogues, everything is so made up for the point of the desired impacts from the creator that one can actually feel it.

Previously I was wondering about what movie, film is art and what not - first came up for me is Bunuel or Jodorowsky or Lynch or Tarkovskij or Béla Tarr. But seeing these new movies, films - there is art I see within each - how the camera shows it is already an art - how the sound sounds, the music, the composition - and then the movements within, the characters, the actors, the props.

Make it like real - so the art is to create a believable reality and if I am watching it and disregarding everything here while watching - then the art is credible, the movie, tv works.

So then my devotion with art is actually with creation, existence and to praise and totemize those who already do what I always wanted: to live, to just go out and live and let myself live - and that will mean not being sure what I do as who I do.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within watching films, movies I have been trying to learn and study things what I was not absolutely sure about such as how to live and what to do with my life and watching different life-scenarios trying to have an impression of what I want to do and who I want to be and not realizing that who I really am can not come from outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have not trusted myself to a degree that I could explore and live myself without any knowledge and information, more than I currently have and defining tv, movie as a food for thoughts, within what I can reflect back to the 'world', as how it is depicted in the movie, film.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within wanting to watch a movie, a film - I am actually wanting to be entertainment, rested, turned off, not disturbed, just be me and the film, movie and react to it and then feel somehow about it and then moving along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define watching film and movie as relaxing, as reward, as rest, as entertainment as what I deserve for what I have done.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that entertainment, as watching TV, movies has became a habit within my life what I defined as needed, necessary, required for feeling cool overall.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what is the starting point, the feeling, the thought-pattern within myself when I come out with the idea of watching film, movie, wanting to watch, or planning to watch.

I forgive myself that I have automated myself to check out new films, movies every day and if there is something what seems interesting, to watch - then I download it and as soon it is here, there is a chance that I just watch it for instance whenever I define I need some rest, entertainment, relax, turn off, chill out so then I can watch movies what I could define cool, interesting, visually enjoyable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within wanting to watch film, movie every day - I manifest myself as a creature of habit, who does things not because wants it in the moment, but as who and how wanted in the past and remained so.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have been obsessed with film creation and how people make films and wanting to learn it and how to do it and how to make my film and never realized that many times I watch films, movies, just to feel that 'feeling' towards movies, films what I want to feel like I can reproduce, I can be part of it, I can be someone like filmmaker and someone who can be appreciated and then feeling like I can do that and feeling to want to do film.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel to make film and then when starting seeing how much physical involvement, work must be done then feeling like overwhelmed and then just wanting to watch a movie what is judged by myself as: cool and not focusing to the starting point of wanting to create movie by myself and then originally the whole thing has came from the point of wanting to live a life myself what is real and myself .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to learn life from movies, art, instead of LIVE life and see it for myself, enjoy and suffer the consequences of my actions directly in every moment, every breath.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become obsessed with the idea, definition of art that I have to make art to have a vaue and be value for myself instead of realizing I can be living as one as equal as all as individual expression of Life and that is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have missed ever a point of art and it's value would mean more than LIFE as the real value is always LIFE no matter what, as LIFE is the real ART what is yet to be discovered.

So it is obvious that art must be aligned with all life - otherwise it is only art of abuse.

There are real physical steps one can accumulate in order to stop (accepting) (creating) abuse.

Living Income Guaranteed:

Say No To Wars:

Journey to Life:

Monday, October 21, 2013

[JTL 125] Art decomposing word by word part 1

Continuing on the decomposition of TV-Movie reaction personality in regards to ART.

Art: beauty, deep, profound, transcendental, meaningful, moving, twisting and shivering

Why I defined to watch Movie, TV to satisfy my need for art based on the word relationships and became automatic within and as myself as the pattern of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

It is time to let go all definitions, boxes, judgments, perceptions, separations, desires fears from all angles: this time TV-Movie-Art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define TV and Movie as art automatically and defining art as Movie and TV regardless of it's factual content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define art as something deep, profound, deep, transcendental, moving, twisting and shivering and not realizing that within self-definition I am comparing to something and I am not experiencing it directly but in regards to the point I compare it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see movies as artistic perfection and wanting to see something what of each parts has been composed for the viewer and defining it as beautiful, nice, attractive, visualy compelling instead of realizing that anything value I give to it is me - so in fact becoming obsessed with art is becoming obsessed with defining, categorizing, polarizing, judging, comparing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that every form of expression can be referred as art so the word, meaning of word of art does not mean anything except the personal value people put to it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the word art has became money and it is measured by how much it can cash in some forms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the energetic experience of self-judgment projected to films and movies and defining, judging movies, TV-series based on my previously accepted self-definitions and comparing all the definitions, also checking my automatic reaction within me and if I feel that it moves me then it is value and not realizing that it is only something what stimulates my already existing, accepted value system.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within wanting to watch nicely made images, videos, scenes and people, landscapes and all of that - means that I want to feel positive, I want my mind to generate positive energy and by that to activate something such as beauty system and praising how beautiful things can be and not realizing that it is just me how I am programmed to react to that particular imput.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that my relationship with art and with the word art and my memories towards art can influence, direct me today automatically if I let it react, move, stimulate me and I react with thoughts, feelings, emotions: that are not myself directly but the reflection of self-dishonesty of separation of judgment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the people who made things in this world and currently being promoted as art should be something as important, relevant, extraordinary and meaningful not for themselves and some but for all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my strive and devotion towards art is because I've defined myself as not artist type and wanting to experience artistry and when I am not expressing myself within creative application - I define myself automatically as not being artistic therefore wanting to experience something artistic, such as visuals, audiovisuals to have the experience of art is making me react.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within stopping expressing myself I strive towards the words I define myself to be yet not living equal as one therefore a desire I form which through I am separated from the subject of my worded separation and wanting to stop the experience of separation even with the experience of reaction towards the perceived art: because within that perception and my reaction - it feels like I have direct relationship with art - not realizing that it is only perception THROUGH the mind, not direct physical experience undefined, not judged, embraced as equal as one, but separated through thought, backchat, feeling, reaction, memory which are not here physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to art influence, change me in a way I never could myself so hoping that with art I can have beat, a change what I could never step myself but with the feel, reaction to it - through the mind - feeling empowered, energetic and encouraged to change and never realizing that to change I must be here and understand fully from what I want to change and how to practically do it, not just hoping of some art will have an impact on me so strong that it will change me.

When and as I face and see, experience art - I remain here, undefined, breathing in and out naturally without a need of thinking, feeling - I directly allow myself to be just here.

I commit myself to face and stand art as undefined, no judgment, no comparison, no thought, no feeling - simply me here and the art - whatever it would be: film, painting, music, sculpture - I stand, I experience, I remain here, empty, silent, quiet while remain present, clear, calm.

When and as I deal with art - I realize who I am is my starting point, who I am within what I am doing and I realize the greatest art is to act in all moments equally to what is best for all, practically.

[JTL 124] Fantasy, mystical: letting go part 2

Continuing on Fantasy, Imagination as it is some sort of systematic.

When participating within fantasy, fairytale, a world of myths - the mind kicks in with a form of:

How real is the illusion?

The capacity to become obsessed with the imagination and adoring it's beauty and adoring that beauty within it's reflection within my mind.

And to adore the creation of this perfect illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to adore the obsession about fantasy, imagination, illusion about how perfect it is and how anything detail is not pulling me back so I can just feel the feeling it's perfection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with validating perfection within lost in the details of illusion and defining it as normal to judge a fantasy image, world, sound to determine is it cool to fly or is not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is alright to enjoy a fantasy, an illusion, but to become obsessed with it, it's image, it's likeness while disregarding physical reality is self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself do have knowledge and information about what is original fantasy and how it should look like and what entails within it and what not for instance a dwarf with axe yes but with a laser gun not and having tons of rules what illusionary being is within which fantasy world and reacting to the matching, error-finding as 'perfectionism' while only reacting to memory, comparing with thoughts and in fact it is subjective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always go into the details of fantasy and imagination in order to find errors, mistakes, odds to be able to say, it is not perfect so then I am perfect within my perfect knowledge meanwhile disregarding physical reality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an analytical mind with which I can compartmentalize, categorize, segregate and judge, define, react to parts of my perception, regardless of it is real physical experience or imaginary as fantasy in my mind only or picture, screen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust experience and knowledge instead of trusting myself always directly here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I look at something and I think it as fantasy, I check my feeling reactions, do I have cool feeling or not and not realizing that it is automatic, based on my memory, previous reactions to similar things and my thoughts what will stimulate, suggest, direct me to react and within re-defining myself I will define this process as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in the mind to not be present here and define the undefined and then define my defining of undefined as who I am and completely miss the point here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define adorable to observe fantasy what I've defined as perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adore creation of fantasy what I've defined as beautiful, perfect, nice based on my reactions, feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adore the persons who create fantasy what I've defined as perfect in my mind by not finding errors in it and matching my expectations about what is the proper, perfect kind of fantasy.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that fantasy is not real, only in the mind and it is alright to enjoy it as fantasy, but to disregard what is here, to escape from physical presence into fantasy is of fear, not self-honest, must be stopped.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can enjoy myself and express myself without any memory, any fantasy, any imagination but be here, in and as the physical.