[JTL Day 223] Decomposing Fear of Pain

Eclipse 2015 March

I continue with the personality decomposition from my last post:

• [JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

The point from where I continue is the state when I feel uncomfortable, pain. Recently I had a taste of it, almost all day I had a headache. I rarely have headaches, but when I do, I experience myself quite differently, mostly notable that my 'sphere of awareness' is extremely reduced, which itself makes me react already like a 'caged animal', because I got used to the experience of actively and passively noticing things around me, which gives the 'feel' of I can have options, not just 'sliding through an experience-tube' by constantly reacting things without seeing ahead.
So it's a wakefulness, a sort of alertness I 'normally' 'have'/'do', which as I see, has a part of personality and has a part of natural self-expression, which if I 'lose', I am less 'comfortable' already and the reason I write about it here is exactly the decomposition and self-honest realization of need for correction, re-alignment as it's based on fear, separation, self-interest.

I do not feel comfortable while being defined, automatically boxed into states/reactions, even if it's coming from within, because it's not practical - the moment is always blooming absolutely uniquely within each breath, so by self-automation I actually compromise myself based on a self-definition, a conviction, an idea or a fear, which the more I accepted in the past, the more I allow to be part of me without questioning, without being able to see/realize/understand it/me and be able to stop, change.

So as I wrote about energy, seriousness and personality, fear - here I add another word-dimension: PAIN.

When I do experience pain, I have the tendency to become much less open, present and my personality gets a goal to ensure to minimize and stop the pain to be able to return to the state of wakefulness.

But what are the points behind my personalities what has been defined/formed and shaped who I am today according to pain?

I walk Self-forgiveness to explore the self-definitions I've accepted to consist of to see what I have to understand/stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my goal, reason and purpose to stop and avoid experiencing pain, because defining that pain is bad, pain is changing me, pain is ruining me, pain is destroying me by defining that it takes all my attention, energy to itself, feeling like demanding all my beingness to give into which I do not want to because feeling like losing myself, my time, my resources, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that when I experience pain, that it means something, when my human physical body experiences pain, it means a problem, which means requires attention and solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense to ask myself what is my pain actually means and why I experience it, what would be the common sense to do in order to assist/support myself when experiencing physical pain to heal/recover.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely up to me to define and act upon fear of who I am and what I am going to do and even when I am in pain - I am still here and my actions still have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something to be feared, avoided in all cost, even if it means to realize/expose something self-dishonest/delusional because of the fear of loss, fear of unknown, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that I fear from pain because of fear of change, because fearing that if I would have pain, I would have remain within pain and within the experience of pain I am accepting and allowing myself to be reactive, self-interested, the opposite of aware and being able to consider my environment, others, which is not necessary, just it is how I've accepted and allowed myself to define as a protection mechanism personality manifestation in case of pain and fear of pain, which I can open up, understand, stop and change within consideration of myself, solution and others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the experience of pain I would do something reckless, irresponsible to myself or to others what I would regret when the consequence could not be changed once I did it, therefore within the experience of pain I try to close down and suppress myself as much as possible to avoid harm and within that becoming afraid of acting irresponsibly which then I would use to fuel to be able to close myself down more and not realizing that by this the more I become automatic, reactive and in fact be able to take responsibility for myself and my surroundings and in fact be able to apply the common sense for actual solution to stop the pain and also to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately program myself, my personality, my reactions, my physical beingness to automatically choose to avoid pain, even when the pain is not great, long and rather choosing avoiding it than choosing common sense, which does not mean to abuse my human physical body, but for instance when necessary to work hard and it's consequence would be some pain to refuse it within the fear of pain and it's consequence without awareness, without consideration or common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions to always have right when it comes about to avoid pain, avoid situation of possibility for pain, and justify it with the reason of 'I should not feel pain and it is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically exclude others from my consideration when I experience pain with the justification of 'I have the right to disregard everything else but my pain and my reaction/strategy to apply for this pain' without any awareness of consequence and ability to apply common sense, overwritten by the self-automation I've defined who I am in reaction to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can remain here, present, self- and life-aware, within consideration of myself and others, consequences and manifestations even during the experience of pain, just first I should understand, decompose and stop my current personality definitions according to reactions to pain and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something within I lose myself, within what I do not feel myself, I can't experience myself but the pain itself and not realizing that within that moment what I automated myself to do is self-separation, trying to exclude myself from the pain, the experience by creating polarity in my mind, energetic experiences and within that not seeing that in fact I separate myself from myself and within that split I lose directive principle with/on/as myself and that losing I am completely aware of and that I feel like losing myself which I do not want and never realizing the common sense to embrace myself, embrace the pain.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being changed by pain then I am manifested in a way that in case of pain I will change and within fearing to lose myself who I am in regards to pain actually I manifest the experience of losing the self-definition about who I am in pain and all the while I am not fully myself but who I defined myself according to pain which was not real therefore who I act as in the meantime is also not who I really am but according to the fear and self-definition about pain, which is completely my creation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that according to the avoidance of pain, the fear of pain I've created myself and my starting point, my personality, my reactions, my actions only within the consideration of my own interest, which I believed who I am and not realizing that I actually am existing also within the rest as well just I've accepted and allowed myself to be completely occupied with my experience, my personality about to avoid and prevent my pain in the fear of losing who I am and not seeing/realizing/understanding that within the reaction to fear I am manifesting the actual losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I activate a personality within my mind to tell me how to behave, how to react, how to feel, how to act, I fear of pain, fear of losing myself within pain, and not realizing that within focusing to this experience and physical reaction to fear I create what I participate within, thus strengthening this fear, fear of pain, fear of fear to such extent that there is no other reason exists but to justify to avoid the fear and pain, even if it's not real, not related to the current scenario I am within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the thought/feeling/emotion process of convicting myself about how I react to fear, to pain and believing that I can't directly feel, experience, be this pain but needing to define/relate to/think/feel/have emotion about in order to process/to deal with because if I would absolutely and totally embrace it as this is who I am in this moment, I believed that I would lose myself or I would change to such an extent that I would again: lose myself and not realizing that what I can lose might not be me at all and within that who I perceive, think, define myself to be according to fear, pain, experiences, situations is not really who I am but what I created in order to deal with myself/what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually question and explore, realize and understand the origin of pain within my human physical body and my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how and when I abuse and exploit my own human physical body as life-source with the process of mind-activities and within that taking responsibility to stop the abuse of fueling mind consciousness systems within myself with the fear and my automatic reactions to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any resistance to face any fear is also a layer of self-definition of fear and it creates conflict within me which means energy, polarity, friction toward something I accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationship through and as consciousness systems based on words manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, images and never realizing that what I resist persists and the more I try to separate it from me here, the more I manifest it in and as this physical existence within the perception of separation but in fact I am always one and equal with all what is here as creator, creation and created within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to accept and allow systems within me separated from me being directly here is based on resistance, fear, which is of friction, conflict and the only way to take responsibility and become the directive principle of all who I am within and as existence is unification, embracing all who I am existing as today and stop participating within what is self-dishonest, based on fear, self-interest unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the practicality and common sense, effectiveness and directness of the writing/sounding/acting self-forgiveness in relation to all self-accepted relationships I exist and consist of to recognize all patterns of what is not self-honest, what is not supporting all life and simply stop participating one by one until I am free of any fear, any need of separation, any systems of self-definitions, any mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the process of application of self-forgiveness is the process of finding and expanding, manifesting and expressing unconditional self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the experience of pain I've allowed myself to be defined as the victim, prey, that I can't do anything about it so the best strategy against it is to prevent pain at all cost, even if it means to act upon this prevention at all cost, meaning only considering my interest of this prevention of pain.
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I commit myself to stop participate within any resistance toward pain, to accept any justification and excuse for why not to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, become in order to realize/see/understand the utmost responsibility I have within embracing, stopping, changing all what is here which is not as Life as who I am as equal as one.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand in every aspect of my breathing life that there is not a single consequence I can escape from in this existence thus the common sense is to face/embrace/unify myself with all what is here as who I am and stop the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions of self-dishonesty breath by breath within the accumulation of walking the Process of Application of Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to decompose all aspects of my manifested behavior which entails, contains, tainted, stimulated, influenced by fear of pain and realize that the fear from changing by facing, experiencing, embracing pain is futile within the fact that the more I separate myself from what I have allowed here in and as the physical, the more I lose directive principle thus unable to take responsibility to stop and change as myself as equal as one, therefore I commit myself to stop running and hiding from fear and within that from pain as realizing that who I am should not be defined or influenced by any fear therefore if I see it within me moving, reacting, I investigate, understand, forgive and stop myself as this self-definition, as this reaction until there is nothing here only the "I am here".

When and as I see a responsibility but I resist it because of any fear or pain, not seeing any gain or not feeling any energy by it - I motivate myself as decision, self-will, act as self-direction without any need for stimulation, gain or fear from lose, based on principled living of what is best for all with practical common sense.

When and as I fear from changing by experiencing pain, I become aware of the pattern what I used to use for avoiding the pain and becoming the personality for avoiding this pain and realizing what is the starting point of this fear, who I am as it's source and what I must be done in order to prevent further pain to cause.

When and as I experience pain, I realize that as I move toward my center of my being and excluding my reality, others - it is a pattern what I've developed by time and the same way I can decompose, stop it and become practical instead of reactive, open and directive instead of closed and reactive by acting immediately with self-trust, self-movement.

When and as I resist losing something within risking, I apply common sense and stop using the excuse of 'not wanting to be reckless and irresponsible' in order to justify fear of pain and fear of fear and trust myself to find my limits and walk through them breath by breath.

When and as I see that I am not trusting myself unconditionally, I stop and I re-align and forgive myself about everything I have in my mind and realize that all is excuse for accepting self-limitation instead of living self-direction so within that I write, sound, apply self-forgiveness unconditionally.

When and as I see that I face timelooping within facing/stopping/changing a pattern which does not support me, I ask for support, not allowing myself to get possessed by the idea of 'I must have to fight this', 'I am handling it', 'I got this' as realizing it is not about myself and within that realizing that within DesteniIProcess course and the group I can express my points to get support without any fear of judgement or separation and within that to realize that when I am able to assist and support others, it is myself who I give support to and assist to within the practical application of walking through self-separation, self-dishonest self-interest and thus re-writing, re-aligning, re-educating, re-birthing myself as life as equality and oneness in and as this human physical body.

[JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

I continue with Personality. Previously I've opened up points  of

• [JTL Day 221] Energy and Seriousness

Which means that there is this point of seriousness when feeling energy accumulated in my mind, a certain personality activates.

A personality is a pattern for who I think and believe I must behave and it has patterns, conditions, definitions and of course limitations.

Recently I was quite aware of one of my most apparently 'powerful' personalities, what I call as 'The Stoic'. It's not really 'powerful', but when I am being possessed with it, it gives that false feel of power, which then I use to shield myself and still become effective and very punctual - well, in fact quite blunt and ruthless sometimes.

I always wondered about this aspect of my mind and I believed that I learned from my grandpa, who had jail time and he was quite a gangster in his time as he had to live in a time where was revolution, street gangs, and he was a good fighter, but this is just information - I did not have to fight much myself.

My father was border-guard in the communist era and I always could understand the military mind and in a certain way this personality can be quite effective in war, because there is like a feel of my inner space and emptiness shrinks and there is this specific frequency of fire within which drives me to play out everything externally - mostly to focus on others, always finding their 'weak spot' and engage, expose and utilize in order to reach/get what I want, which also comes from inside quite automatically.

The most interesting point within this is that I deliberately go into personality, there is mostly a thought pattern before, but sometimes no - and then there is a reaction, an emotion and then when I go into this 'mindset' - to have this feeling of force, power, which fuels me, and I 'ride'.

It's always about a certain reason - and if I can decide that I stop this personality - or change to an other, then it's simple, immediate, which is kind of weird experience, but it's part of who I have become according to the self-acceptance of fear, because it is built on that in it's essence.

What exposes this personality that I am not fully myself is the tension, the drive, the lack of inner experience of infinity of silence, emptiness.

Instead I am constantly in movement, there is no pain, fear showed and it's pretty easy to make others react, who has also fear or reactions and from that moment it's about 'them' and as people go into the 'game' - I ride that and it's weird but once I go into the 'win' point - it's like running upwards a hill and once I ran up, I want to run further and there is no more, I am on the top but I still want to get higher and there is no way and it's like an engine is just running and it's no need for it - then I can have a weird moment of 'What the fuck I do' and I can settle down, because I realize I do not need to fear.

Recently I was asked to stop this because it was not cool and I was immediately able to stop because it was clear that I do not need for this personality, especially that there was no need to either find weak spots, prove my point or even protect myself - and within that moment I realized the ridiculousness of this personality and how long I've created, participated it.

I have several personalities, but I've given to this one the most permission to activate and become, because it seems effective and powerful, apparently can protect my 'mini-me', but it's not direct 'relationship' with reality, it's coming through my limited mind-set, it is conditioned and in fact at certain points it's not effective and what I really lose by becoming this 'stoic, skeptic, bitter, critique' is the humbleness and equality.

The humbleness and humility - towards life and others as me as equals - and I was able to justify that with this personality that I can support others to expose their self-dishonesty, even if it means it's raw, crude, unpleasant, but as it's a pattern, it's limited, I am automated, same as with drugs - gives the ride but not me directing within utmost specificity and awareness, but patterns of manifested consequences, self-definitions, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

As I walk the Journey to Life Process of writing, sounding, applying Self-forgiveness, I accumulate the ability to stop myself and step back and see how it is based on what fear and by that realization becoming able to decompose the patterns which constitute into building up and automatically becoming mind-personalities.

The false sense of 'power' comes from the personality by skipping the moment of being conscious about fear, being actually aware of how I create the fear experience with which I sabotage my ability to apply the most direct solution.

It's interesting to see that schizophrenic people are being judged as 'bat shit crazy nuts' but in the meantime an 'ordinary' human(of course a 'healthy' ego does not refer itself as 'ordinary') has many personalities: one for picking up partner, one for arguing with parent, one for being the good worker for boss, one for being a great lover, one for deal within the ghetto, in rude environment, one played out at parties and the transition, the interconnectedness of these self-definition-based reaction-rule set personalities is so smoothly embedded and ingrained into one's life smoothed with thoughts/feelings/emotions that by the becoming we do not see/realize/understand that it's a con played by our consciousness based on our own original fear to have a feel of stability, certainty, power.

"I am a lawyer, a soldier, a programmer, an artist, a great lover, a Chinese, a biker" - self-definition - limitation, based on polarity, energy, fear.

It is quite brave to acknowledge that I accept and allow fear without any justification and excuse, projection or blame, because then it is all about self as who I am here today. I am responsible, which is quite intense, but simply true and by this realization I can decide to understand, stop, change from my fear to fearless self-expression.

There is also a gift, an advantage within decomposing and stopping automatic personality-activation: the ability to decide within responsible, humble, yet effective way on how to act, respond, which in the beginning feels less smooth, powerful and 'normal' but these are also dimensions for to apply self-forgiveness as a false reliance on qualities based on self-definitions of polarity, condition instead of Self-direction.

I am power, I am expression, I am humbleness - it should not be based on a condition, a person, a circumstance, because then it is not self-direction, but self-automation based on a self-accepted reaction manifesting into action.

So I walk Self-forgiveness to become aware and decompose the patterns which constitute to create, react to, become identified and act upon personalities.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting reactions within me, accumulating into energetic experiences and activating personalities within me with the justification of 'I need this' in order to behave the way I feel I have to act in order to get what I want, to protect myself, to have movement, a feel of power, clarity, obviousness and within that not realizing that it is a system I use as a layer within separation from what is here, from who I am as life as equal with and as all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear directly within wanting to use energy, reaction, self-definition to give permission to be acted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to protect my beingness in the fear of loss, fear of change, fear of hurt, fear of pain, because I've defined myself according to my changes to fear, loss and pain and allowed myself to be automatic with the patterns I react to fear, to prevent fear, to deal with fear without understanding what I fear and actually why and what is the consequence I cause by this pattern to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I created personalities in my mind, to automatize reactions, behaviors, what I've defined as supporting me, protecting me and not realizing that it is based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, which are based of certain fear without questioning what I participate within, what will be the consequences for me and others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I define a situation serious, meaning I have something to lose which I do not want and I feel the tension, friction about it, having inner conflict within and react with fear, I create energetic reactions within me which accumulate into personality to activate to feel and behave certain ways, which I've defined as who I am and how I should act in situations and not realizing that it is not self-direction because it's a reaction based on how I reacted in the past and given permission to become automatic.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I lose presence in and as my human physical body and focus my attention to things outside of me meanwhile losing awareness how I am, why I am doing things, then I give permission to my mind to react and act automatically.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware when I act automatically meanwhile listening to thoughts, feelings, emotions and not realizing that I am separated within this - having inner reactions, programmed to come up and react, take away or make me do things what I not realize that it is based on fear and never considering the solution as stop myself going into fear first and see what is actually the point I want to avoid.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define activating personality as feeling good, safe and familiar and define it as myself and by the energetic experience, feeling myself as powerful and not realizing that I am compromising myself based on conditions, self-definitions and pre-programmed reactions to deal with fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I've created personality in my mind based on thoughts, feelings, emotions and when and why I go into activation of the certain personalities and not seeing that I want to avoid fear based on another layer of fear and not seeing the whole pattern, the whole dynamics, the whole system, only being identified and reacted to one layer at a time, just like a turing-machine, an algorithm, a fuzzy-logic rule-set, which consists of conditions and reactions, just much more than I believed I could grasp and understand, which is also comes from a fear and in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all the fear I experience is not real, it's just an energy I want to avoid because behind it there is awareness, responsibility, change, which I defined myself needing to resist at all cost, because who I defined myself to be should not change, because then the fear would come up that I am losing myself which is also defined to fear and within behind all this, the interest of me, self, separated from what's and who's all here as equal as me and within this not realizing that regardless of my experience and my reaction, facts are here, based on my actions and if I act based on fear, it's still manifested.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I can let go fear, I can face and walk through the fear, the valley of shadow of death, which is losing all which is my self-interest, which is the death of who I believed myself to be as personality, mind, consciousness, system, and beyond there is a birth of life, fearless, undefined, direct living.

I will continue to decompose the particular personality I've started to open up here...
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[JTL Day 204] Tiredness vs Awareness part 4 - Interest

Continuing with reading aloud the previously written Self-forgiveness statements to see where I can expand to specify the self-realization of acceptances of what I direct to stop and change in regards to tiredness/motivation/energy.

• [JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1-Introduction
• [JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2-Self-forgiveness
• [JTL Day 203] Tiredness vs Awareness part 3 - Motivation

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that having no motivation is in fact a 'giving up', wherein in fact allowing myself to be persuaded with thoughts and reactions to trust events/reality/circumstances/luck/hope/others, and within that in fact covering up the already manifested, accepted, re-created experience and relationship of doubt within myself, within here, thus trying to project responsibility outside of self, into separation from self while in fact it is always self is responsible for what accepts and allows here in and as physical facts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and believe in the lie of not having motivation while in fact within that self-re-created experience I cover up the fact that I deliberately re-create the accumulation and manifestation of doubt within myself here meanwhile not realizing that when I do not have motivation as self as equal as one of who to be, what to do, how to live - then I am accumulating doubt, separation, fear to influence, direct me while hoping the opposite to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope in any way whatsoever, meaning not doing anything, not changing at all, yet expecting things happen, change by something force not self, others, existence, reality, thus allowing to believe, allowing to wait, allowing not to move myself and accumulating lack of self-power, self-direction, self-confidence, self-trust and by that accumulation manifesting personality of excuses and justifications why I am unable to move, change, direct myself and my reality within responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that tiredness is a manifested construct within my mind which influences, direct my physical beingness within my consent accumulated with the energetic experiences of hoping, waiting, expecting while in fact being obvious that there is a tiny chance for happening what I wait from luck, and thus in fact playing the casino mind-game, while not realizing I deliberately stop myself expressing, naturally moving yet manifesting a friction, energy by not being able to stand absolute for in fact 'wanting' something yet being sure that there is only a little chance for being able to 'get' it and within that friction manifesting tension, anxiety which then I have to equate out with positive thinking/energetic reactions and all of this making me busy, occupied.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that making myself busy, occupied, focused to into my mind constantly to react/balance out/equate all the tensions not to feel too much insecure, unstable, not to face the fact that I am deluding myself, thus ensuring always reacting to something what makes me energetic, positive, such as with re-experiencing what I've defined as 'I like', and then having the reaction of good as 'doing what I like, so it's all good' - while in fact the starting point was that I do something what I am not content with, what is not cool yet not focusing to that, not questioning why, not wanting and doing anything to practically stop, prevent these mind-games what make me tired and within that tiredness using it as excuse that - 'can't change, move, I am too tired' and within that self-definition allowing this to manifest more directly into my physical, into my beingness, thus literally becoming tired, exhausted.

I forgive myself that I have not realized when and as I use motivation as to 'beat' tiredness, instead of asking, seeing, realizing, understanding why and actually how I allowed this tiredness to accumulate, experience, being defined by and as and seeing the reasons/scenarios to be able to PREVENT it happening again and again and again.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see/realize/understand what is my interest within each motivation I allow to occupy and asking that is it best for me and all others as well as being stimulated by energetic experience of desire/excitement of wanting something to get/achieve and be able to consider with common sense what it's manifested consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how exactly with motivation I am able to prevent tiredness as constantly defining the thing I am interested within as being the point of stimulation and within that having a positive energy with which I am energetic, vibrant, vivid to always do what motivates me and not understanding how I limit myself, my expression my interest, my responsibility only to the points I've pre-defined as motivates me and creating the polarity as what 'does not motivate me' and those things/points/aspects of my reality automatically defining as I am not interested within, thus resulting as a disregard, ignorance without considering the consequence I still manifest with it, as responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can re-define motivation in a way which is not of polarity, not of stimulation, not of energy but as self as equal as one within principled living as accumulating consequence manifesting to what is best for all within the realization of who I am as all as equal as one as life within responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when giving into the experience of tiredness in fact I am giving up on my principle of live according to what is best for all with not investigating/walking through the layers of the mind's manifested energetic experience of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within being able to see what is in fact real fatigue, when I need to rest/relax/sleep for some time and then giving myself the opportunity to support myself within preventing tiredness and energy craving and reactions, polarity friction and reactions conflicting within me in order to beat tiredness by compromising my constant physical presence by going into the mind realm to stimulate me in the perception of 'overcoming tiredness' instead of letting go the initial relationship/reactions/definitions to actually prevent the experience of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the excuse for motivate myself with actually all the things I've defined as of my self-interest for what I feel stimulated, such as sexual arousal, technical gadgets, sweets, entertaining films, music, photography, cinematography, money and within that losing perspective of accumulating and remaining within consistency within my action for what is best for all participants in this human system, meaning considering what must be done for the system to become more equal for all in terms of life-support thus realizing the need for a new education, activism, art, media, economy and politics and act according to that as motivation, undefined.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define who I am according to the interest of being motivated to have experiences, such as what with I stimulate myself to feel better instead of considering to motivate myself directly with and for actual, physical facts and within that considering what would last in opposition of experience which does not.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to being lost, obsessed and separated into experiences of my mind and my interests only while disregarding the fact of all other beings and their life-circumstances, lack of life-support and deliberately choosing to ignore the fact that I am equally responsible for all what is here and thus self-define and self-automatize personality-programs within me as motivation only within the interest of me, my surroundings, the ones I've defined as relevant, close, important while not see/realize/understand that I can consider all equally and all what separates from that is my participation within my mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions/reactions/fears/desires/tiredness/doubt/giving up/lack of motivation what can be investigated/forgiven/corrected breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the word self-interest as self-in-the-rest, thus realizing that I am always in the reflection of others, thus all what I accept and allow within me and others is also self-responsibility and if my motivation is only entails me, excluding the 'rest' - as all others equally - then I am in fact not motivated with my real-whole-self-interest but as only a separated fraction of who I in fact am as all life equally.

Continuing with self-correction and self-commitments

[JTL Day 203] Tiredness vs Awareness part 3 - Motivation

Continuing with walking through the tiredness as decomposing, forgiving, stopping, re-creating myself word by word and assist and support myself for breathe/act/live the change as equal as one.

• [JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1-Introduction
• [JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2-Self-forgiveness

So as I was investigating my existence when I was in a flu at the weekend- which is kind of a catalyst in terms of intensities of self, especially with the fact that I was not 'working' but had to rest quite some.

It was fascinating to see through the layers of the mind - as mostly I am quite busy, always doing things until the point of exhaustion, tiredness.(It's related to inconsistency and lack of self-knowing, but it is for now an other topic to write about). Right now in this moment so much thing coming up, thus I take some breathes to remain here, directive, present without losing focus from all the memories, insights I want to write and share.

Alright. So the first thing comes up is motivation. It is like a 'pilot light' there is this beingness within me and with motivation can grow to a bonfire and easily to a firestorm wherein it is too much and burns all around too soon and then shrinks back again into this tiny little flame again.

Motivation is the blood, the petrol of my fire to melt down and boil up the ice holding me back and when I am out of it I am: tired.

Fascinatingly enough I've been successfully separated myself from the very idea/meaning and actualization of this word: motivation by making it conditional/literally limiting it to circumstances/events/experiences and thus my very expression I've given permission to prevent being consistent, unconditional, permanent.

Giving a couple of experiences when regardless of how much I've slept - I woke up like this: sleeping sleeping sleeping ...awaken....opening my eyes - YES - I am here again - then jumping out of bed and rushing for doing the thing I was motivated about.

In fact does not matter much anymore what was the thing I was motivated to do, but just for practical examples I list a couple ones, also noting some self-definition as 'spice'

-Playing Halflife computer game at the university - the storyline, the game play, the experience, the whole stimulation and feeling I had meanwhile - just motivated me to play through as consistently as I could, in a way totally living in the game without needing to leave it for my real living(I really did this with many dozen games already, but this one was specifically intense, around 1999).
-Facing the final exam at university thus eventually being free of it - the excitement of uncertainty of success, the stimulation for approximating the literally unknown etc
-To wake up meeting my girl to make love, mixing up sexual desire with fascination with the being
-Waking up for a sunrise to take pictures/videos at a cool location, wanting to explore the virginity of the first moments of the day with my awesome hi-tech gear for perfecting my skills, for share with others, for 'enjoyment'

Okay see - it is quite 'personal' so to speak - I've defined myself so and thus I reap what I sow - ENERGY - so when I am motivated, it's like the jolly joker to beat tiredness - I don't care, I am shining through so to speak - it's bearable, it's like weather - shouldn't and thus doesn't influence my day.

Tonight I've noticed this flaming again - tomorrow for a filming job, I will buy the fastest compact flash card available in the market, making the amount of recordable video doubled as I am capable today in one session, faster, more smoothly.

I am motivated to go to work because at lunchtime I will go to the mall and pay for it and most of the money is covered by the actual 'work' I make with video - it's like I am right on track for accumulating a dream coming true.(I go into the details as reveals the whole scenario more clearly).

Here I must distinguish from obsession from motivation as for instance when I was dopesmoker, I was so eager to jump out from the bed, eat some(just for the high not being about realizing/solving hunger) and get violently stoned as soon as possible - and that was also kind of motivation - later on I was doing things while stoned, but it was the important aspect of waking up motivated for sure.
I just wanted to bring some of my current life's 'motivations' I decide to correct as I see the self-interest emerging - not as buying a flash card is selfish but if I have energy, reaction, attachment - I am not fully here as self, but of and as ideas of consciousness systems. This is the eye of the needle, no compromise within the starting point of absolute self-honesty - to ensure nothing motivates me automatically, even if that automation was created, programmed, given permission to by me.

So even the very definition of -motivation- can be literally of anything, thus the human energetic organic robot is quite a specific one in terms of it's wide variety of programmability, but in it's essence - it's all the same, just the pictures, definitions are different among individuals.

Alright - so all I wanted to point out is that the very motivation I had/have is still mostly about my desires - with starting Process, and long before, I had the idea of motivation being to benefit all beings, all beings equally, but that still rarely being lived out IN ACTION.

As many people as well probably can refer to it - almost each and every single pageant talks about 'world peace' and actually most of the human individuals would want to have a better world IN THEORY - but to actually do something about it is so rare and in the jungle of personalities of our mind's weaved self-interest we barely are able to fulfill our own desires.

Especially when one would want to act according to what is best for all - even to find out what that would mean one can face extreme amount of layers/systems/reactions and then to reach the point of actual realization of what would really impact for all beings - such realization as the money point in this human system - towards the actual, practical, doable plan on how exactly, specifically could that be manifested: and then facing one's reaction to that amount of change, work and effort required to manifest - depends on and influences: MOTIVATION.

So in a way - motivation is also a construct, especially if separated from self, from direct self-expression - when it is self-defined, conditional, limited - can support through only a certain amount of resistance/tiredness - from the mind( - still not of physical fatigue).

Tiredness is a concept, an idea which is like a nest, a self-weaved mind-creation with which one can say to self and others: well, I am pretty much tired to a certain degree that I can't really move anymore effectively.

Moving, meaning realizing, changing, expanding, really living.

Most of the mothers can relate with this I guess - in the early morning the baby cries and one wakes up to feed, to care, to support - and can overcome so much experience of tiredness, however many can still be influenced, dragged down with the experience of tiredness.

As I was observing my own experiences recently while having the flu - I had some headache, I was in the bed, I just had a long nap, I was so tired - and I was just recognizing that actually I was listening to thoughts -

'Well, maybe I am this much tired, because now my body is fighting the illness, so I am exhausted, I need to sleep more'.

Thus I slept more - and I was more tired!

I was like wtf is going on, I do sure rest, I am all the rest I can have, but still I barely can jump out from the bed and drink water - which might be required for not feeling that tired.

So then I was experiencing this thought-hive in my mind for a while when in fact I was a bit 'energetic' - in a way like stimulated up with these thought-patterns/reactions to them with polarity/friction so then I stood up and started to move.

And I was starting to move, step by step, started to breath one after another - my head was cleaning out, my tiredness started to fade slowly but surely.

And then I figured out - I need food, I need drink, I need to dis-wash, I WANT to do something, still I am 'officially sick', thus having the excuse for all day doing nothing - I want to make use of this day too somehow. That was a moment of motivation.

WANT

Without wanting I was nothing but restless tiredness

With wanting I overcome tiredness.

I had to believe what I want is important, what I want to do, I am able to, and is cool for me.

At the moment of starting to move, I had no idea - just I trusted I can do - anyway it's all I ever can have - self-trust in when and what I want and with that motivation to actually live that out.

Also in a sense I had the impression that with accepting the fact I am now sick I do not need and actually don't want to do anything particular because thus I can rest and recover faster, thus I just let myself to rest and sleep as much as I can so then hopefully soon I can be able to return to my usual 'me' of eager to do things all the time - when not being tired.

So within all of losing myself in the deep experience of tiredness deliberately - I had a motivation behind it - to recover faster.

So it is just fascinating to investigate how and why I experience what I allow me to influence/direct me.

Also to observe babies/tiny kids - they do not freaking reason like this while learning to move, walk, talk - they just DO - direct motivation to LIVE.

After all it is being programmed to pick up the same strategies as other humans around them but in the beginning it's obviously much more direct/effective/practical how they - as we also were - motivated to learn and expand - without reasons, without excuses, without concept, being undefined, yet being oneself - I want to walk, I learn to walk, I do walk. Simple.

I see/realize/understand that I do not have any option in this but to totally decompose/forgive/stop all motivations I have and literally re-define/re-create/re-birth myself with a motivation as equal as one with self, in equality and oneness with all what is here as response-able, as direct as possible.

Even the concept of 'beating tiredness' indicates polarity/opposition/friction/conflict thus it's a trap.

The holistic, unifying, embracing, transcending solution is to specifically purify and let go each and every single definition/reaction/judgement/identification with tiredness and PREVENT myself participating within it before needing to experience inner friction, lack of energy or motivation.

I mean it is obvious that most of the humans has some interest for wanting to do - money/sex/power, just to name some - or experience itself in it's multifaceted overrated fact of self-separation for our - certainly unique - affection for it.

I am not here to judge how false would be to wake up each day with the motivation for making more billions than yesterday in the sadistic altar of greed but it's impact is deliberately rippling through the whole existence with it's physical consequence.

But hey - how more false to be motivated with our own little bubble of experience of existence only in the charming spell of apparent free will to have our own decision within who and what we are while disregarding a whole world of consequence.

To aim the absolute with motivation is so uneasy by minds of clouded with tiredness while in fact for this poison it is also the remedy: being tired from this existence as being motivated for it's change!

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have given permission to motivation to be automatically be triggered within my mind and me reacting with energy and with that energy opposing, fighting, balancing, overcoming tiredness and not being aware of how and why in fact my starting point within and as my mind is tiredness, lack of energy, no motivation, no movement by myself directly but always needing something to stimulate/influence/direct me and this whole mechanism, conditions, rules, acceptances and starting point defining it as me, as who I am without stopping, breathing here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be separated with the word motivation, with the word's meaning, with my relationships, definitions of motivation and allow to be triggered and influenced by the polarity-based positive or negative energetic experiences to literally motivate me instead of me being here directly the living expression of and as MOTIVATION as SELF HERE.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be tired and wanting something to energize me up from this state of tiredness because within that I don't move, I can't move, I am not movement because there is no motivation and not realizing that thus who I define myself to be as movement is of conditions, not direct, not consistent, not self-honest, in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself tiredness as lack of energy as the reason and justification for not moving and to use it for myself or to others as 'that is why I do/did/won't act, because I am tired, exhausted' meanwhile I do not motivate myself in fact about that and using tiredness as separated energetic experience as excuse for not take responsibility for what I decide and what I act as equal as one as myself here in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can motivate myself to walk out from the mind to not need energy, to not need to beat tiredness, to not need to have conflict within me to have friction and tension and by that energizing my mind up to then being stimulated to move within and as me and perceiving that as myself and thus believing that what I mind tell me, make me feel is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the original tiredness I experience when I do not have motivation is who I allowed myself to be manifested in my mind as the layers of self-separation, the consent given to systematic personality behaviors, personalities to automatically judge and define, react and energize or stop energizing me and thus direct my life and defining it as who I am and defining this mechanism as life and accepting it within me and others without stopping and questioning and considering the solution as it would be stop reacting, stop being motivated by separate definition from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stimulated when I am able to get camera gear because of the energetic experience of excitement, of hope of I will be able to do things I could not before and as imagining myself doing what I plan/desire/hope for with this gear - already having this energy within me and allowing me to influence me to motivate me to go and get the gear and in moments not considering reality/priorities/common sense, just allowing this feeling to overwhelm me and not seeing/realizing/understanding that I can plan and consider all factors here and still manage to get the gear but with this energetic excitement it feels more interesting, I feel more alive and not realizing that these are feelings, not direct self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to unconsciously be driven and influenced by feelings, feeling positive, while disregarding what is here, breath, principle, reality for moments, minutes while 'flying' in my mind and not seeing how it is of self-interest which is not self-direction, thus accumulating consequence of being programmed to automatize myself based on feelings, even when it is not practical, best for me and all equally, because reacting to feelings, what are coming up automatically, as trusting feelings, as revealing not trusting myself directly here as breath, as presence, as self unified.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can motivate myself with principled living to walk through and beyond my mind, definitions, reactions and bring myself to a physical birth to be here in all moments equally and live this principle to what would be the practical action for what is best for all and to motivate myself to let go self-interest, energy, but accumulate stability, consistency by always stopping myself to be automatically excited, driven, influenced and see the starting point, explore the reason of fear from living self directly here and forgiving it as myself immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what motivates me and automatically react with positive feelings/excitement/hope/energy and not seeing/realizing/understanding the reason in the first place for that motivation to give permission to move within and as me.

That's all around tiredness from a perspective of motivation for today, will be continued with further self-forgiveness and self-correction....and....re-definition of motivation!

Thank you very much

[JTL Day 195] VLOGs for Self-Support

Made some VLOGS some time ago for about an hour. It is a cool self-support and also as an opportunity to share it.



Looking back when I've started Vlogging, I remember, in February of 2008 I shared my first VLOG in regards to Self-honest Process. Since then I see myself being much more comfortable to talk into the camera - or talking publicly - to express myself when I decide so.
Previously there was this 10 minutes limit for how long a youtube video could be - and it is funny to see that I am still considering that limit which I allow - because I do not want to make a hour vlog, but rather make it sticking to a topic and thus directing myself to compress and specify my words.
I find BLOGging and VLOGging as highly self-supportive when it is in the starting point of Self-honesty. To slow down into physical timeline, to be in this real space and face myself, to know myself, to understand and be able to change myself it is crucial a diligent, principled, disciplined effort to make which accumulates into Self-direction, Self-stability and Self-trust.
What I suggest is to re-watch oneself talking about a point and see inner reactions, how and when and what I judge seeing and hearing talking myself. And then that can be reflected back to self, can be understood, stopped, and simply stand as my expression, as equal as one.
There are so many aspects existing within one's mind and it's vastness can feel like it is life, but if we start investigating our patterns, reactions, feelings, thoughts - we can realize these are consequences, accumulated into the manifestation of conglomerations of who we really are today. This self, as how and as we live in this physical world can not be denied as it is ourselves directly, which does not mean it's unchangeable, it just means that it is what we ended up becoming until this day.
So changing is an interesting word - if I do not change - am I perfect, will I not change anymore? By myself or by circumstances?
If I can have power, will and direction to change myself to become better, will I do it? Can I really do it? Within wanting to change I acknowledge that I am not satisfied with myself, within not wanting to change I say everything is alright in me, in my reality, which again: can be and should be questioned within absolute self-honesty.

So after all - who can change oneself and who will change oneself? If I can not change, am I real or am I already fully myself? Why to change and what to change and how to change then also can be a question.
This is the whole point within the Journey to Life process - I walk through understanding and layers of Self and explore what I am, what I can be, which parents, spiritual ways, mainstream school, or partnership might not showed me before, not because they did not want to, but because they did not know either who I am and what I am capable of! And when seeing myself became who I am because of dishonesty, fear, I stop that, I see what is beyond that and how to live without that dishonesty/fear.

Thus I suggest taking this free online self-realization course for becoming not just the Quest I on, but the Answer too!

• http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

[JTL Day 194] 10. Making Love Visible part 3

Continuing with 10. Making Love Visible part 1 and part 2 as a point within my Declaration of Living Principles.

Still walking the decomposition of definitions, judgements, memories of the word LOVE and starting to re-define what it could be Self-honest Love to see what has to be explored within practical living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/define that I can have a great love, a target for my enormous, unique, world-burning love what feels so strong, so brutally dominating in my mind that the only thing I can think of is to fulfill this love, to have this person of my love and defining this as my real love, the subject of this affection, obsession, posssession as my life lover, my soulmate, my destiny and the greatest value in my life and the more feeling not being able to be with her, feeding this desire more and more to be fulfilled and being confused, disoriented, doubted with the fact that she does not want to be with me, she rejects me and tells me that she is not loving me and thus not understanding this whole thing feeling within me and defining this rejection as the greatest pain possible within me and meanwhile in reality never ever questioning with common sense that how and why I allowed and created this love and why and how not understanding that if she does not want to be with me then if I would really love her, I would want to leaver her alone but not getting it, being obsessed with proving her that my love is true, trying to seduce, win, persuade, mesmerize, make her love me and never realizing the extent I've allowed myself to go just for this and not questioning myself within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to die, end my life, because defining the greatest suffering as being rejected from the one I've defined as loving the most, and never realizing that this love I've defined is not real love, it is an obsession, an affection, a desire, for something to fulfill, not even related to her, only to my reactions, definitions, values projected to her, separated from me by these judgements, these energetic polarities through, thoughts feelings, emotions and this whole thing defining as me, my love, her as my lover and not realizing it all goes only in and as the mind, superimposed into physical thus until not seeing/realizing/understanding the starting point, the first impression, the accumulation of this creation of this so defined 'love' experience - seeing it all here in one moment through, in each moment, within clarity, within self-honesty, until that it is common sense to not accept it as it is, as who I am and as what I must do, how I must feel, but to realize my responsibility to stop all what is self-defined within self-interest unconditonally.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that all my love experiences, definitions, reactions were always in and as my mind, it was always about me, me alone and trying to use all I've seen/got/learned in this world to fulfill this love as seen in movies/read in books, copied from others and feeling to have a right to apply the 'no matter what it takes to get her love' and thus manipulate myself into patterns/characters/behaviors one after another and see which she would react/be attracted to and then specifying that, making her in fact fall in her mind into a similar experience of self-defined love towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that having so much memories, definitions, reactions to the word love and go into the judgement of 'it is too much', 'takes so much time, too much time, not having enough time, wanting to give into the 'not want to take this much time to walk it, wanting to compress it' - and not realizing that one breath at a time I walk through all what is of mind, and if I allow myself to make a pattern of walking through my mind and not being present, breathing, physical, directive, principled, committed, willing, self-honesty within each moment, I am not walking within absolute specificity, I am trying to walk the mind still in and as the mind in the way that it SEEMS valid, FEELS self-honest, but in fact isn't and thus not walking fully points through, thus not allowing myself to really know what I've allowed, what I must be responsible to stop exactly how and thus creating timeloop as in fact allowing backdoors and possibility, percentage to fall and within that fall only to realize that I've gave into the temptation of judgement with energy and thus having to walk it again and creating another possibility to be frustrated with me and what I allowed to manifest as timeloop unnecessarily.

Thus I commit myself to walk through all definitions, judgements, memories of love, the word love, experiences, reactions, relationships until I am here, present, undefined, self-honest and be able to re-define the word LOVE, how to practically act how to live love what with I and others can live within equally.

I commit myself to stop myself immediately when judging, defining the way I am walking through with self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment about how big/many/extensive it is and realize that I can stop in one breath and whatever I see needs to be stopped, I stop, I stop, I stop until it's necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a partnership according to the definitions of love, the feelings, emotions I have about love even when it is not self-honest, when it is not practical equality and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my insecurities, fears, desires, judgements towards my partner, my definition of subject of my love and expect things of her, want things from her by default, whatever I see as my self-definition of love would be, regardless of her, what she would want, what is supportive for her and me equally within the obsession of living out the desire of my love as defined as I have the right to have what I feel as good and not realize it is good only in the mind as definition, reaction, judgement.

Bringing all back to Self Here what I can apply from this very moment is the following:

When and as I idolize, self-define, judge myself as incomplete, hollow, lacking, I stop and I see in relation to what this comes up and why to stop the perception of need for external fullfillment and within that realizing that whatever I try to use as a reason, need for having an affection, a definition for need for love and the value for love I see/realize/understand that it is only me, for me, and thus realizing that this is not love, only interest, which I prevent judging, defining, just seeing it as it is.

When and as I feel I do not love myself I see what thought pattern concluded to that and how and why and within that seeing the personality mind logic and immediately bringing it back to self here to see what is the separation I perceive with the self-accepted relationship with what specific words what I then apply Self-forgiveness on unconditionally.

When and as I would define an experience of falling, faliure, limitation, I see/realize/understand that it is of consequence of accumulation of participation within starting point of self-definitions which has to be known, understood specifically one by one to prevent going into because I've allowed myself to give permission to my mind to reacting to self-judgement of falilure, fall, limitation to feel anger, frustration, hate and thus creating a polarity, a need for love, a need for positive and within that defining the opposite of what I've defined as negative automatically accept as positive and thus reacting to it's judgement as loving it and thus defining it as what I want and who I am and this whole process I prevent by breathing here, slowing down within, if required literally physically as well, be aware of each breath, each physical step, each movement, feel the body, the muscles, the air in my nose, the touch, the feet standing, and be in this standing within the knowledge of how I allowed myself to exist previously and why and how I stop it and actually stopping and within that stopping stabilizing myself to stand here undefined, present, and thus rebirth myself.

Within this process I stop the previously learned pattern of love which was of fear, of interest and give myself the opportunity, the ability, the integrity to purify myself to be able to embrace unconditional love as being here, being silent within, yet present, knowing, aware, responsible.

Within Living Love Visible I share my stopping, my changing, my expanding within self-stability and when asked for support, I stand and I share how and what I've walked through.

Realizing the Dignity within Self-honest Living and re-defining Love as not accepting anything less than who we are as Life, I stand up for myself and for those who can not stand up for themselves.

Within Partnership I do not accept anything judgement/definition to automatically react to and give permission to thoughts, feelings, emotions to tell me who I must be, how I must be, what I must do, but to realize the point of Equality within each of ourselves here.

Realizing the patterns of the mind within self one can see that most of the people do participate with the same thoughts/feelings/emotions playing out inferiority/superiority patterns and if one does not communicate with her/his partner, when re-defining love within Principle, it can become really frightening for one's partner, especially when the the two are not at the same understanding, not having the same meaning, definition for specific words, especially LOVE.

Thus pronouncing the Making Love Visible as clear, direct, open communication of what one has as a starting point, what with can literally agree with her/his partner and sticking to that and build trust one deed after an other and whenever there is doubt, reaction within the mind then taking responsibility for oneself and for the agreement to ensure that Love is always directed, experienced and shared in and as the Physical, as visible, as agreed, as supportive for all participants equally.

to be continued

[JTL Day 193] 10. Making Love Visible part 2

Continuing with

• [JTL Day 192] 10. Making Love Visible part 1 as a point within my Declaration of Living Principles.

10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE.

Going deeper within the purification of the word LOVE through letting go all experiences, memories, definitions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions unconditionally.

It is to recognize that these words are of my personal experiences but to walk through these patterns as self and as others as humanity as a whole supports to stand up to the conscious, subconscious, unconscious layers of the mind which we are not aware of yet accepting and allowing and continuously giving permission to influence and direct our very decisions within our daily living.

This can be reflected back from the news, media, publications, art, music, social media, the law system, the monetary system and eventually how we are living and the responsibility one can take is to assist and support to question the apparently most relevant pillars of our ideas within the human mind such as love, freedom, joy and to recognize the fact that we are very much tainted with hate, enslavement and suffering what we accept and allow within our mind and within the world system as equal as one.

Thus Principled Living within Equality and Oneness to walk through the Self-dishonesty of one's mind is in fact not only one's mind but as more layers become visible within exploring Self-intimacy, it becomes walkable and changeable by self, one breath at a time, one deed at a time and thus creating the opportunity to give that change to all others equally as self and thus really explore what would real, visible, physical love mean for all equally.

I dare to walk through not only the dark corners of my mind, but the light as well, as both are of the same origin: separation from Life here - thus it is to not fall into the energetic polarities but within Principle - walk through each layers of the mind until I am the Unified Man Here.

Also within the alignment and commitment to Living Principles it is to realize that with the starting point of Equality and Oneness and the practical Unification of Man, in fact we can stand as "I am already a Unified Man" and from this standing it is here what must be realized, understood, forgiven and let go completely and change within and without.

So let's walk the mind consciousness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love with bitterness because at the time I've defined myself to love someone and she rejected me defining this whole rejection, dismissing, neglecting, disregarding experience with the definition of love and feel myself completely aimless, goal-less, without direction and absolutely wasted because of the experience of not getting what I wanted and wanting it more and more and become obsessed with it to the degree that anything else in my life defining as not as important, everything throwing away and only focusing to the subject of the energetic experience of this striving, yearning, wanting which taints my mind, my body, my whole beingness and from that completely becoming this dark, void, endlessly empty veil wanting to embrace the subject of my love like an uncertain, thin shadow, a ghost and within these self-defined, self-created, self-judged, self-maintained experiences overwhelmed with the energy, the darkness, the choking experience of this sad, hopeless feeling of recognition of helplessness of not feasible craving for my love and thus defining myself and love according to these experiences, defining my beingness with these reactions without realizing these are just experiences in my mind, and the more I focus to these, the more energy I give into it and the more it will become inflated and never realizing the physical breath, the physical presence, the factual physical reality as cross-reference, as source, as stability to be aware of and stand as equal and with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself completely powerless in the experience of failure of the unfulfilled love and be overwhelmed by the disappointment of this throw-back and define myself as defeated, lost and fallen and feel pity and sorrow and sunk in the experience of cannot let go what defined as most precious, important, profound and valuable and within that defining myself more powerless and more lost and feel myself falling out from my human physical body, wanting to decay, pass, die just to not experiencing this apparently endless annihilation which in fact just an inflated, superimposed inner reflection of my own self-interest, self-centered, self-created, self-image which do not want and can not let go, release, step beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not being able to direct my thoughts, feelings, emotions, creating experiences within me by repeating what I find unpleasant in regarding to the definitions, experiences, memories to the word LOVE and wanting to understand, wanting to feel positive about it, wanting to change what has passed and believing that if I re-think, re-member, re-play the events what I've reacted to the most, then I would find a way to understand, to fulfill, to change or even let go the complete possession with the subject of my love what I wanted the most and never really questioning what I've defined as such attractive, why I wanted those values finding in another, feeling with another, defining having with another in fact within and as myself in the first place and what is the actual separation I've fallen into in and as my mind, defining as myself to not be able to stand myself here as whole, as complete, as fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to such an extent in finding what is love to the point of wanting to literally die because of not being able to fulfill what I've defined as love and only within the moment of action for destroying myself realizing that this is absolutely exaggeration, false trail and yet not realizing what I was doing but simply going into the another direction of polarity and defining love, woman, relationship as worthless, absolutely unnecessary and falsehood trying to protect my wounded ego and trying to protect it from an other opportunity of vulnerability and giving up the previously obsessed idea of 'love' but only for it's opposite as the hate and vengeance and defining that energetic experience as powerful and strong and interesting, profound and within that never realizing that it was self-hatred, self-destruction I wanted to exert because of what I've accepted and allowed myself to give into and literally, physically become and not being able to stop yet fearing from letting go thus remaining the same exact slave of my own self-dishonesty in and as my mind played out by the polarity game of positive and negative and in fact not changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself stoic, bitter, realist, pragmatist, investigator, spotter and defining myself, my life, my living to the discovery of truth, because feeling completely fooled, deceived, enslaved and wanting to find a way from the trap of love and hate by realizing both of are not who I really am and wanting to go beyond, to let go, to reborn, change and with that strive by feeling disappointed within both love and hate wanting to find something or somebody outside of me what would be the solution, the truth, the power and justice I've always striven for and never could really feel, become and remain as and within that never realizing that all I was looking for within love, hate, wanting to step beyond polarity was always here, self, in and as my physical location, myself, breathing constantly in and out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my beingness, my source, my life, my substance with always wanting something or someone to influence, tell me, who I am, how I be equal as one with myself and all what is here and within that give into the temptation of the mind, the relationships defined outside of me, through energy, through thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures, images to define love separated from me, thus not being able to be in connection, in relationship, in unification with myself here directly and always wanting to use something separated from me to be me.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that any anger, hate, vengeance, anxiety, confusion, depression I experience, feel, define, accept and allow is because of the relationships I accept to exist with separated from me, because of the self-accepted self-separation, self-dishonesty I accept within and as me and within that moment of giving and being the energy of anger, hate, vengeance, anxiety, confusion, depression I do not take responsibility for what I have allowed myself to be and become and the consequences of what I create with it not only for myself but others in my reality and in fact all and everything within this existence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized/seen/understood that when going into the moods, energies, feelings, emotions of negative, it is not self I feel, it is not directly my physical beingness within I take refugee, but separate relationships and energetic movements which is of conditions, circumstances and allowing to tell me who I am I give permission to not express myself directly but of and as this mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that going into the self-pity and hatred for positive is not the solution, and then going into the positive and definitions of love either and never realizing that these are the same mind manifestations, just the energy polarity is different, but exactly the same separation relationships from directly self here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that falling into the mind to tell me what love is, how to love and what to love and feeling positive and negative, going energetically high and low - I am not existing as who I really am as beingness as physical life but of consciousness systems, personality rules and matrices, characters, what are programmed by others, by who walked on earth before me, by those who I've given permission to influence me in my life through words, images, sounds and never having an absolutely clear moment to realize that by these influences, I am abusing life, abusing my life source substance in and as the physical and because of not realizing it, continuing with it, even protecting it as it would be me, as I would be love as I would be real and never facing the fact that this is not life, this is not love, just a manifested consequence of fear, separation, dishonesty and not realizing that I should stop, I can stop and find practical ways to do it, no matter how difficult can be, how long it would take or what really I have to walk through to find myself here as life as source as substance.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that defining relationships, partnership according to past, memories, associations, feelings, emotions automatically is not myself directly, only what I've allowed myself to manifest through and as the mind which can be understood, stopped, forgiven and change to not participate again within self-honesty, within slowing down within, self-investigation, self-writing, self-intimacy and self-commitments to prepare myself actually, really, physically let go each and every single reaction, definition, judgement.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that there is hate within myself for what I've allowed myself to manifest in this world, within myself, and hiding this hate with positivity, with hope, with forgetfulness, with obsession, occupation, distraction and automatic personality patterns to keep my mind busy and stimulating and constantly moving and never stopping for seeing directly what is here in and as physical facts as what I actually do and manifest and being responsible for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted to worry and in fact fear to be with those who are defining themselves, their values, feelings, life as of and for love because from knowing myself also defining that they are lost, not seeing, deluding themselves and by judging them diverting my focus from self here within consistency to judgment, projection, blame and not realizing that everyone walks the same mind and my responsibility is my stopping for my reactions and live and all I can do is share and support when it is asked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being influenced by those who are mesmerized by the energies of love because they do not know what they praise for and what they experience and not realizing that judging anyone, blaming anyone will not make solution, rather than first making sure I do not react, do not judge, do not waver, do not change and then express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and wait for better times, for to be loved and not realizing that it is myself here who I do not love that is why the need for love in the first place occurs and not facing the fact within self-honesty why exactly this lack of love for myself and why and what exactly I mean on 'love' and what relationships, reactions I react with for the word, sound, letters of love.

to be continued with more memories, judgements to let go

[JTL Day 189] An experience of losing ground in movement

Often being here, some minutes walk

Last week many things started to move which in fact I've planned and anticipated until the point of being in the middle of it and then I've defined my instability within this movement.

I've started several new 'projects' and that means meeting with people and spending a lot of time with them as well.

Within that I've realized that I defined myself and my stability according to the things I've did in the last couple of months, which with I've stabilized myself and became relaxed, calm even while being busy all day, mostly by myself.

It is known to me since a while that I am comfortable with myself, my beingness and do things - my things - my way. Recently realizing that I can specify, optimize, schedule and discipline myself and my days to become more effective made me enjoy to push my limits and see the ability to expand within changing.

While finding my own rhytm, pace of doing things, I've realized I still have some points what I do as of habit, a sort of ritual which makes me feel that I have my own time and direction and within that I experience this stability within which I am indeed more effective and when doing things, doing it more focused, just it is not absolutely direct, which I specify here. And as well sometimes takes time.

Because when doing things with others - I do not do this rhytm the same way, but even at a point I want to look busy for them to understand that I need the time to do my things, what are important to me - but it is of a little bit of haste, not really a pretending, but somehow I have this intent instead of simply do it and it is because of some reactions coming up within me according to being with others which I give permission to create energies within me, separated from me here, instead of see the reactions in me specifically and act the solution directly.

These points do not seem as huge issues, just seeing it as becoming focused to the details while losing the big picture so I change and script my direction to prevent further reaction and ensure and accumulate the continuous stabilization of my presence within action.

I am currently facing some points which previously I've defined as the greatest difficulties/challenges in my life and if I look at these I see that I've always faced these points as it is who I have accepted myself to be as not dealing with these self-dishonesties, what are manifesting to reactions overwhelming me and resulting in conflicting thoughts/feelings/emotions all the time instead of using common sense and one by one align myself with the practical solution and live it equal and one.

I can name these points one by one, which supports me in prioritizing and not go into the feeling of overwhelming which by losing the direction. Without the act of writing everything down, we tend to inflate problems within our mind until it is written, thus understood to the utmost specificity which then can be utilized for finding out the practical solutions.

Many people say it is not their method, way, tool to write while if we really look at how everything which works properly within this human system: uses the writing in various areas from education to film, politics to business, history to science - all can work because of using writing - and within that slowing down and having the chance to be aware of the words we write and see our mind and also the fact that it remains here due to the physical action in this reality and offering the chance to read it again, share it, basically any time we want.

This advantage cannot be underestimated, especially with the point of self-honesty when one is dealing with problems what feel like can not overcome with - our life should not be about what we define ourselves to do but who we are, meaning if our methods, ways, tools are not effective for self-support, for all participants equally, thus for the sake of doing these because this is who've defined ourselves to be would be not practical, thus it is common sense to use something what is measurably accumulating towards practical solution, such as writing the words what we see in our mind moving to investigate starting points what result to behavior which does not support oneself or others thus requires to change with understanding.

Writing self is a skill, just like riding a bicycle, peeling a potato or tie our shoes - takes the decision and practice with the right starting point and then one can expand and support oneself effectively.

It is not a random act within the establishment's education that writing is not pronounced, explained enough, not understood within the development of a child/man/self. It is deliberately done by those influencers who has the intent to not produce generations who are able to understand how all things work, to be able to question everything, even the dysfunctions within self what is not the best for all, in fact this system as it is being accepted, only good for very some while most of others are being neglected, abused. That is why the Journey to Life blogging - it is regardless of age, young and old can develop self-honesty with writing for self-support and really change ourselves step by step.

So the points I write about:

Relationship point, the job point(at office), the job point(beyond office), confidence point, desire point, financial point, self-acceptance point, physical body pain point, just to name some and I see how these are interconnected and how I've allowed myself to slip among these points when becoming uncomfortable instead of really face and deal with them because in the belief that if I focus to one of my points only, I am being overwhelmed, lost in the details, losing the whole of myself thus becoming unstable, inconsistent. So for this I apply Self-forgiveness.

As I stop self-judgement and focus to solutions, I currently do not feel that am 'falling' within facing these points, I was busy preparing myself to face and act within self-honesty since a while with Self-forgiveness, it is just sometimes coming up suddenly and I react automatically too fast as within the permission I've automated in my mind to define/react/act upon and I am just seeing how much I've defined myself according to the tendency of and reaction to always avoiding some self-honesty points to face by apparently creating a virtual stability perception by occupying myself to hide from all aspects of myself at the same time and being focused/lost to details of parts of me and as I am becoming more and more comfortable with the constant self-application every day, I directly can see when my Self-forgiveness was not specific enough, deepen within my understanding to the point of being aware what I really do and why and how and able to prevent going into the same habit which has proven already as not cool and seeing it in my consistent writing as a pattern what should be changed, stopped.

This reflects back to the energetic states of me, how energies I interact with, influencing me, stimulating me within the polarity of the mind, how it is connected to the externally defined energy point as money and how I in fact participate within reality.

I have support from many angles with the coolest education I've ever wished for:

I am currently listening EQAFE Atlanteans audio interview series which is one of the greatest support I've ever heard as it is assisting me for my entire beingness at many levels.

I am walking on Desteni I Process Agreement online course more than one year now and being at lesson 8 and I am already aware so much of myself with practical knowledge of who I am and how I can change myself and I continue to walk the course through and start living these tools, realizations

I am part of the Desteni group with the Journey to Life blogging and the chats, the live hangouts, social media groups wherein I am surrounded with people who are committed to walk the same realizations from consciousness system to life awareness and what is clear already that people with principled living and the right tools: can really change. Even the darkest or most fearful points can be walked through with Self-forgiveness and Self-direction and that is beyond proof already - I've personally know many people since participating with the group and seeing them stabilize, grow, expand is obvious - and also seeing myself standing more stable than ever. I've investigated existence and many-many systems throughout many years and this study material is million times more profound, practical, supporting than all I've ever tried altogether and it is always about self here.

These support pillars I really suggest to look at to everyone who is curious how reality/self/life really works to change the patterns what are not supporting self-honest living and equality. I find that to face all what is here requires extreme amount of change to even be able to stand up to the self-acceptances existing within this world, not only in personal life but on the greater scale of humanity as a whole.

So do I really lose my ground? No - it is just a resonant uncertainty within facing the unknown while changing, while stopping the patterns I've ever known to do and experience myself with. This is scary only if I allow my mind to tell me what is happening and it is not really supporting so I apply Self-forgiveness to exactly see what is the reason to give into the energetic temptation of the mind instead of remain here, physical, directive and consistently expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself losing my ground because believing things change faster than I can change and not realizing that if I resist to change it is because I define myself according to the past.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have given myself into the experience of stability and defining myself within it by events, actions, circumstances and thus allowing myself to be conditioned to who I am of the other side of it's polarity as instability instead of being stable with and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I want to do instead of realizing who I am is what I actually do and the friction between is what I've used as energy to boost myself to do what I want and not realizing that it is not really supporting, it is creating conflict within me which is of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to the people around me and especially when people are at my place and believing that I have to deal with them and to balance that out trying to call more people at the same time in order to make them deal with each other so then I do not have to give my time to them when defining that it is not a project what is priority for is being discussed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and react with worry when people are just talking around me wherein I am participant because defining it as useless and considering the things I could do at the same time which then not happening thus feeling my precious time as wasted and allowing this reaction to grow within me instead of simply start doing what I see as priority to actually prevent going into reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I judge the moment, when being around with people who enjoy defining themselves and also me as friends while I honestly think that friends are just people having similar interest and those self-interests meet thus being together and nothing more and thus not having reaction personally when I tell them not having time for them and when I feel just having casual talks and spending time and state it as useleess and thus generalizing, pre-defining this as what I experience, and within that who I accept myself to be and instead of using common sense, I remain the same just having reactions towards this what I accept as compound frustration instead of simply do whatever I see as important to do without any reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually want to deal with people who are at my place or having time spend with them in the starting point of 'now I deal with them so then for a while it is written off, so I can do what I want and not realizing that I try to please others, try to seem as good, polite and attentive once people are at my place and reasoning it with 'I did not seem her/him since a while, so why not talk' - meanwhile I skip doing what I really wanted to thus within this situation whatever I do giving my mind to create friction causing frustration, reaction instead of self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the time spending with my partner as too much and feeling like not being able to spend enough time to the things I want to do and making this to conditioned with how much friction, conflict comes up between us and when being calm, peaceful, kind with each other then justifying it that 'at least it was good for both of us' and not realizing this whole thing is of polarity and in fact whatever I do I accumulate reaction/judgement/comparison to that I do not use my time effectively, because if it is of conflict, then judging it as 'it does not go towards a future together', or because if it is not of conflict, then judging it as 'too much time for just feeling good, giving her feeling good'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up judging myself and the situation and becoming frustrated and define myself as frustrated as personalities to deal with the uncomfortability of the self-defeat I accept within feeling wanting to go multiple directions at the same time while not being able to clarify what is the priority by overwhelming with the experience of falling at many angles at the same time and lose myself in the experience instead of seeing which point is priority and which is bugging me the most and deal with it with full of my beingness until it's entirelly walked through.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I want to participate in the system I must learn to interact with others while remaining absolutely stable, unchanging, unwavering, untouched within my discipline, principle and commitment equally in each breath, one at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I've defined a relationship within myself as inferior to numbers, accumulation, as being able to deal with one or two people and defining more people as more overwhelming and blaming the number and the amount instead of realizing that it is regardless of how many people I am with - I commit myself to see the judgement and reaction immediately when coming up within me about how I judge people, amount of people influencing me, going into inferiority and defining myself lost in accumulation to stop and change myself immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-forgiveness as a future projection within my process to point reactions, conflicts, energetic compounds to 'allowing to happen and then deal with it', meaning not immediately applying it, but waiting for falling first which is not self-movement, self-direction but of hope, of fear of self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the ability and power I can apply into and as myself in the moment of stopping myself immediately when seeing, realizing, noticing, understanding that I am losing direction, presence, clarity by wanting to see it fully even with being aware that it will take time thus defining time as more superior to me and not realizing that time is of the mind, only I can be here or not which I can re-align myself with each breath immediately, directly, consistently.

I commit myself to stop myself reactiong and feeling falling and defining myself as falling, losing ground when I experience that I lose clarity, direction, presence and in that moment I stop, see into and as me and re-align myself with practical common sense, priority, principle and the awareness that I have the ability to stop and change and communicate, express, direct myself within self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop compromising my walk, my direction, my process and my expression with defining myself according to how many or who or what kind of people I am with, regardless to where I am, at my place, at workplace, at public place and realizing that I can be constantly here in and as self-honesty and thus I commit myself to not accept anything less than absolute self-honesty.

When and as I am with others I stop defining myself according to how many people I am with, I stop defining myself according to others, I specify remaining undefined, present, open and physically here unconditionally and push through the energetic temptation of fear of losing ground, fear of not defining, fear of not fueled by energy, fear of unknown, fear of infinity, breath by breath, day by day.

to be continued with further specifying the trigger points of reacting instead of changing my behavior

• DIP LITE - to start to understand what is Self-forgiveness and why it is really a gift
• Practical Desteni