Monday, June 23, 2014

[JTL Day 189] An experience of losing ground in movement

Often being here, some minutes walk
Last week many things started to move which in fact I've planned and anticipated until the point of being in the middle of it and then I've defined my instability within this movement.

I've started several new 'projects' and that means meeting with people and spending a lot of time with them as well.

Within that I've realized that I defined myself and my stability according to the things I've did in the last couple of months, which with I've stabilized myself and became relaxed, calm even while being busy all day, mostly by myself.

It is known to me since a while that I am comfortable with myself, my beingness and do things - my things - my way. Recently realizing that I can specify, optimize, schedule and discipline myself and my days to become more effective made me enjoy to push my limits and see the ability to expand within changing.

While finding my own rhytm, pace of doing things, I've realized I still have some points what I do as of habit, a sort of ritual which makes me feel that I have my own time and direction and within that I experience this stability within which I am indeed more effective and when doing things, doing it more focused, just it is not absolutely direct, which I specify here. And as well sometimes takes time.

Because when doing things with others - I do not do this rhytm the same way, but even at a point I want to look busy for them to understand that I need the time to do my things, what are important to me - but it is of a little bit of haste, not really a pretending, but somehow I have this intent instead of simply do it and it is because of some reactions coming up within me according to being with others which I give permission to create energies within me, separated from me here, instead of see the reactions in me specifically and act the solution directly.

These points do not seem as huge issues, just seeing it as becoming focused to the details while losing the big picture so I change and script my direction to prevent further reaction and ensure and accumulate the continuous stabilization of my presence within action.

I am currently facing some points which previously I've defined as the greatest difficulties/challenges in my life and if I look at these I see that I've always faced these points as it is who I have accepted myself to be as not dealing with these self-dishonesties, what are manifesting to reactions overwhelming me and resulting in conflicting thoughts/feelings/emotions all the time instead of using common sense and one by one align myself with the practical solution and live it equal and one.

I can name these points one by one, which supports me in prioritizing and not go into the feeling of overwhelming which by losing the direction. Without the act of writing everything down, we tend to inflate problems within our mind until it is written, thus understood to the utmost specificity which then can be utilized for finding out the practical solutions.

Many people say it is not their method, way, tool to write while if we really look at how everything which works properly within this human system: uses the writing in various areas from education to film, politics to business, history to science - all can work because of using writing - and within that slowing down and having the chance to be aware of the words we write and see our mind and also the fact that it remains here due to the physical action in this reality and offering the chance to read it again, share it, basically any time we want.

This advantage cannot be underestimated, especially with the point of self-honesty when one is dealing with problems what feel like can not overcome with - our life should not be about what we define ourselves to do but who we are, meaning if our methods, ways, tools are not effective for self-support, for all participants equally, thus for the sake of doing these because this is who've defined ourselves to be would be not practical, thus it is common sense to use something what is measurably accumulating towards practical solution, such as writing the words what we see in our mind moving to investigate starting points what result to behavior which does not support oneself or others thus requires to change with understanding.

Writing self is a skill, just like riding a bicycle, peeling a potato or tie our shoes - takes the decision and practice with the right starting point and then one can expand and support oneself effectively.

It is not a random act within the establishment's education that writing is not pronounced, explained enough, not understood within the development of a child/man/self. It is deliberately done by those influencers who has the intent to not produce generations who are able to understand how all things work, to be able to question everything, even the dysfunctions within self what is not the best for all, in fact this system as it is being accepted, only good for very some while most of others are being neglected, abused. That is why the Journey to Life blogging - it is regardless of age, young and old can develop self-honesty with writing for self-support and really change ourselves step by step.

So the points I write about:

Relationship point, the job point(at office), the job point(beyond office), confidence point, desire point, financial point, self-acceptance point, physical body pain point, just to name some and I see how these are interconnected and how I've allowed myself to slip among these points when becoming uncomfortable instead of really face and deal with them because in the belief that if I focus to one of my points only, I am being overwhelmed, lost in the details, losing the whole of myself thus becoming unstable, inconsistent. So for this I apply Self-forgiveness.

As I stop self-judgement and focus to solutions, I currently do not feel that am 'falling' within facing these points, I was busy preparing myself to face and act within self-honesty since a while with Self-forgiveness, it is just sometimes coming up suddenly and I react automatically too fast as within the permission I've automated in my mind to define/react/act upon and I am just seeing how much I've defined myself according to the tendency of and reaction to always avoiding some self-honesty points to face by apparently creating a virtual stability perception by occupying myself to hide from all aspects of myself at the same time and being focused/lost to details of parts of me and as I am becoming more and more comfortable with the constant self-application every day, I directly can see when my Self-forgiveness was not specific enough, deepen within my understanding to the point of being aware what I really do and why and how and able to prevent going into the same habit which has proven already as not cool and seeing it in my consistent writing as a pattern what should be changed, stopped.

This reflects back to the energetic states of me, how energies I interact with, influencing me, stimulating me within the polarity of the mind, how it is connected to the externally defined energy point as money and how I in fact participate within reality.

I have support from many angles with the coolest education I've ever wished for:

I am currently listening EQAFE Atlanteans audio interview series which is one of the greatest support I've ever heard as it is assisting me for my entire beingness at many levels.

I am walking on Desteni I Process Agreement online course more than one year now and being at lesson 8 and I am already aware so much of myself with practical knowledge of who I am and how I can change myself and I continue to walk the course through and start living these tools, realizations

I am part of the Desteni group with the Journey to Life blogging and the chats, the live hangouts, social media groups wherein I am surrounded with people who are committed to walk the same realizations from consciousness system to life awareness and what is clear already that people with principled living and the right tools: can really change. Even the darkest or most fearful points can be walked through with Self-forgiveness and Self-direction and that is beyond proof already - I've personally know many people since participating with the group and seeing them stabilize, grow, expand is obvious - and also seeing myself standing more stable than ever. I've investigated existence and many-many systems throughout many years and this study material is million times more profound, practical, supporting than all I've ever tried altogether and it is always about self here.

These support pillars I really suggest to look at to everyone who is curious how reality/self/life really works to change the patterns what are not supporting self-honest living and equality. I find that to face all what is here requires extreme amount of change to even be able to stand up to the self-acceptances existing within this world, not only in personal life but on the greater scale of humanity as a whole.

So do I really lose my ground? No - it is just a resonant uncertainty within facing the unknown while changing, while stopping the patterns I've ever known to do and experience myself with. This is scary only if I allow my mind to tell me what is happening and it is not really supporting so I apply Self-forgiveness to exactly see what is the reason to give into the energetic temptation of the mind instead of remain here, physical, directive and consistently expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself losing my ground because believing things change faster than I can change and not realizing that if I resist to change it is because I define myself according to the past.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have given myself into the experience of stability and defining myself within it by events, actions, circumstances and thus allowing myself to be conditioned to who I am of the other side of it's polarity as instability instead of being stable with and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I want to do instead of realizing who I am is what I actually do and the friction between is what I've used as energy to boost myself to do what I want and not realizing that it is not really supporting, it is creating conflict within me which is of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to the people around me and especially when people are at my place and believing that I have to deal with them and to balance that out trying to call more people at the same time in order to make them deal with each other so then I do not have to give my time to them when defining that it is not a project what is priority for is being discussed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and react with worry when people are just talking around me wherein I am participant because defining it as useless and considering the things I could do at the same time which then not happening thus feeling my precious time as wasted and allowing this reaction to grow within me instead of simply start doing what I see as priority to actually prevent going into reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I judge the moment, when being around with people who enjoy defining themselves and also me as friends while I honestly think that friends are just people having similar interest and those self-interests meet thus being together and nothing more and thus not having reaction personally when I tell them not having time for them and when I feel just having casual talks and spending time and state it as useleess and thus generalizing, pre-defining this as what I experience, and within that who I accept myself to be and instead of using common sense, I remain the same just having reactions towards this what I accept as compound frustration instead of simply do whatever I see as important to do without any reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually want to deal with people who are at my place or having time spend with them in the starting point of 'now I deal with them so then for a while it is written off, so I can do what I want and not realizing that I try to please others, try to seem as good, polite and attentive once people are at my place and reasoning it with 'I did not seem her/him since a while, so why not talk' - meanwhile I skip doing what I really wanted to thus within this situation whatever I do giving my mind to create friction causing frustration, reaction instead of self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the time spending with my partner as too much and feeling like not being able to spend enough time to the things I want to do and making this to conditioned with how much friction, conflict comes up between us and when being calm, peaceful, kind with each other then justifying it that 'at least it was good for both of us' and not realizing this whole thing is of polarity and in fact whatever I do I accumulate reaction/judgement/comparison to that I do not use my time effectively, because if it is of conflict, then judging it as 'it does not go towards a future together', or because if it is not of conflict, then judging it as 'too much time for just feeling good, giving her feeling good'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up judging myself and the situation and becoming frustrated and define myself as frustrated as personalities to deal with the uncomfortability of the self-defeat I accept within feeling wanting to go multiple directions at the same time while not being able to clarify what is the priority by overwhelming with the experience of falling at many angles at the same time and lose myself in the experience instead of seeing which point is priority and which is bugging me the most and deal with it with full of my beingness until it's entirelly walked through.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I want to participate in the system I must learn to interact with others while remaining absolutely stable, unchanging, unwavering, untouched within my discipline, principle and commitment equally in each breath, one at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I've defined a relationship within myself as inferior to numbers, accumulation, as being able to deal with one or two people and defining more people as more overwhelming and blaming the number and the amount instead of realizing that it is regardless of how many people I am with - I commit myself to see the judgement and reaction immediately when coming up within me about how I judge people, amount of people influencing me, going into inferiority and defining myself lost in accumulation to stop and change myself immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-forgiveness as a future projection within my process to point reactions, conflicts, energetic compounds to 'allowing to happen and then deal with it', meaning not immediately applying it, but waiting for falling first which is not self-movement, self-direction but of hope, of fear of self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the ability and power I can apply into and as myself in the moment of stopping myself immediately when seeing, realizing, noticing, understanding that I am losing direction, presence, clarity by wanting to see it fully even with being aware that it will take time thus defining time as more superior to me and not realizing that time is of the mind, only I can be here or not which I can re-align myself with each breath immediately, directly, consistently.

I commit myself to stop myself reactiong and feeling falling and defining myself as falling, losing ground when I experience that I lose clarity, direction, presence and in that moment I stop, see into and as me and re-align myself with practical common sense, priority, principle and the awareness that I have the ability to stop and change and communicate, express, direct myself within self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop compromising my walk, my direction, my process and my expression with defining myself according to how many or who or what kind of people I am with, regardless to where I am, at my place, at workplace, at public place and realizing that I can be constantly here in and as self-honesty and thus I commit myself to not accept anything less than absolute self-honesty.

When and as I am with others I stop defining myself according to how many people I am with, I stop defining myself according to others, I specify remaining undefined, present, open and physically here unconditionally and push through the energetic temptation of fear of losing ground, fear of not defining, fear of not fueled by energy, fear of unknown, fear of infinity, breath by breath, day by day.

to be continued with further specifying the trigger points of reacting instead of changing my behavior

No comments: