Thursday, June 5, 2014

[JTL Day 183] 4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application

A review/overview/plan for this blog and my process of self-realization.

Within my last post, I've shared my declaration of principle:

I will be taking each points written in that declaration of how I have lived or going to live as the law of my being as principle of living who I am and who I am going to be.

I continue with the Journey to Life blogging with my personal/interpersonal/universal process of self-correction while adding writings about each point of this declaration of principle as who I am, starting with points what I have lived and living already - and those points do not exist within hierarchy or order but equal aspects of my principled living.
4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others


What I walk first is also this very blog is one of the points of this practical walk of Self Purification.
Within realizing that there are patterns within my beingness, expression which are not the best possible of who I could be, I take responsibility to for what I have manifested myself to be and become and within that understanding the creation I've accumulated consequences to end up being who I experience myself to be and within that realizing that the same way I have 'done' myself: I can 'undone', meaning accumulating understanding and stopping, re-definition and commitment, active participation: in fact I can change.

This is one of the most important points what we all should realize that self-willed individuals, human beings and thus human nature can change. And if human nature can change - the future of mankind can change.

I find very often facing within discussions the reason to accept self-limitation that 'this is human nature' which with I humbly disagree.
I have seen many patterns within myself which I've found extremely frustrating - so overwhelmingly limiting that I just could not accept myself being that way.
Even a really bugging point within me, what I can not 'unsee', if it takes years to change, I'd rather head on and work on that change, instead of for the rest of my life see it constantly as self-acceptance with the acknowledge that I have never ever really-really tried to change, just given up on that aspect of myself.
And as more and more points I accept within me as it is, it accumulates and one day I realize I do not even see how many things I gave up on myself - yet I am still participating, reacting, apparently 'living' - but I can always remember, see, feel that I did not do all I could and for me this was always a shame - and that shame to accept was really a burden until I did not find the Process of Self-forgiveness.

Before even considering to change myself, I've came up with imagination, daydreaming, sort of escaping into fantasy worlds within my mind just to not need to be aware of how much I've accepted self-limitation with the point of 'this is who I am, this is how I react, this is how I act' and never questioning 'why' - and all I did was 'imagining and thinking about' acting differently but not yet daring to literally, physically explore these things to live out in reality.

There were many reasons for that, mostly fear of loss, fear of change, fear of fear - but this is not practical knowledge, it is just labeling it, useless knowledge, bullshit wisdom - for really become aware how I've created the limitations within my mind, I have to specify my understanding about how my mind, my behavior, reactions, personality, my very beingness really work in order to even see the possibility to change by understanding the small steps accumulated to this moment.

That was a phase wherein I've 'consciously' started to manipulate with energy. With energies in my mind I was able to stimulate my perception, my reactions, trigger points within me to react certain ways - mostly with overwhelming by obsessive thinking, self-abuse, self-hate, blame, suppression, emotional storms, 'wheeling up' so to speak to the degree of almost exploding and then forcing to move me towards a direction. Then this compound energetic experience took over in me and acted out to equalize itself before my extreme physical uncomfortability ending up my body fully malfunctioning.
In that moment of extreme frustration it seemed good to have a let go, to even start to move towards any direction and then defining myself as this dynamics: suppressing, judging, reacting, looping, overwhelming, compounding, releasing, feeling empty, defining.

I've abused myself with energies quite extensively - obsession, possession, FALL in love, drinking alcohol, drugs without any specific self-direction - my mind was literally blown away, many times and in fact constantly. And within that - I've lost myself completely within experiences to the degree of disregarding facts here, prioritizing feeling good more than anything else, justifying the inflated, superimposed self-interest towards a delusional process, an ascension from slavery of ignorant darkness to the master of consciousness as enlightenment. None of that supported me as none of that was real.

For some years that made me to perceive some sort of change - but I did not see that "I" did not really change, only more definitions I've created, the consciousness system evolved, upgraded, mutated within my mind, not me as my beingness.

It took quite some time to realize that I was not really liberating myself as I was overwhelmed with the intensity of experiences and the fractal-vortex-nature of the virtual infinity programmed into consciousness and defining myself according to those accumulated energetic experiences but one thing has never changed: lack of consistency, physical stability, power over matter/reality and I was always changing but not me directly, only by reaction to forces outside of my direction and thus being vulnerable and inferior to experiences and circumstances which was obviously not freedom, it was absolute self-dishonesty. Specifically no matter how much stuff I took, how many weeks I've meditated with the most deep states - my dishonesty points remained - addiction to energy, to sex, to alcohol, drugs, self-judgement, fear, which I barely could acknowledge with all those mesmerizing experiences within consciousness systems but when I've lost everything again and again and again, I've started my life from scratches, nothing actually I could accumulate what remained, only the fact that I still must seek, find, search, question.


After hitting rock bottom literally several times, more and more seriously approximating physical death, in those moments I've faced the fact I can let go - so then I've realized I literally have to let go all I've defined myself to be, even the so seriously taken to the most extreme energetic-spiritual striving for a better reborn. I've never stopped looking/searching and within that eventually I've found what I was always looking for: The Principle of Equality and Oneness and the Process of Self-forgiveness.

I've studied the Desteni material every day, which just emerged on the internet around 2007 and eventually I've started to apply Self-forgiveness, sharing in this very blog.
This was my first post here in 2008 January and from that moment I walk what I talk:

Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realizing I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

Within published more than 500 blog posts I've had an outstanding journey to discover how to know myself and how to understand my own creation and within that becoming responsible to stop the patterns what are not supporting me or others.

I have realized that I create my own experiences within myself and with the very relationships I accept and participate within through words, I am shaping reality around me with others.

I have realized I can stop reacting to thoughts by understanding their dynamics, I can become intimate with myself by opening up to experiences and question and answer to myself and if not seeing through, applying Self-forgiveness for that specific self-limitation, to explore why I do not see who I am, why I am as I am and also applying Self-forgiveness for accepting myself to remain hidden from myself, to not allow myself to change myself.

Since started the Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application - I was able to let go many frustrations, fears, addictions, limitations and slowly but surely I learn to exist within actual inner quietness, clarity, unification.
No thoughts are becoming so overwhelming that I completely disregard what is here, I can be comfortable within and as my human physical body without boredom, without accumulating frustration, without undefinable fears what stimulate me into mood swings.

This is already a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge change - I can be calm, directive, present. I do not use alcohol/drugs to get high, I do not become getting low, yet I can have a passion for life, for standing up, for becoming more stable, consistent, expressive.

Thoughts, feelings, emotions are becoming less and less relevant, yet I understand more, I express more vividly, I can make myself quiet within when I want, I can go to sleep and say to myself: now, quiet, I sleep and then I sleep.
I can work with my limitations, I can learn, I can give myself into the moment here without overwhelming worry or fear and I can become intimate with myself and other without any mind-stimulant. I can stop patterns what are obviously taking me out/off from what is happening here and actually express myself as fearless, as self-trust.

I do not need any psychedelic anymore to feel connection with all what is here or to realize/understand/experience(as realized it was not real, only a momentary mind-melting) and I can actually focus to accumulate becoming more aware of how things really work here on earth, the really important systems what are relevant to direct our every day living as the monetary, law, political, educational, media and other world- and regional systems.
I can enjoy myself and others yet not becoming obsessed with self-interest or if seeing such a pattern emerging which I am unsure about 'is it really self-honest?' - I can use the Writing, Self-forgiveness, Self-correction to commit myself to practically, really stop - thus accumulate self-will, self-direction, self-trust.
Within writing I am more and more comfortable to word myself, my experiences, my plans, my point of views - and within that slowing my mind to the degree to be able to see it, see myself, to understand who I am, what is my starting point, what consequences I participate within and thus be able to question and if required commit myself to stop.

I do not need energy more than feeding my body with healthy food and water and give proper rest within shelter and I realize that I would like to give the same for others what I've got: proper education on how things really work, how I can change myself, actually have access to healthy living, food, shelter - so from that perspective I do not live in the clouds, I see that most of the humans are literally abused, endlessly suffering slaves and those who have money, internet, salary and education are the ones who can stand up for all and the system does not have love, only it is an accumulation and conglomerate of all participants here.
I have realized the mistakes I've made within my journey of spiritual practices which I see now as part of the system and flawed yet I do not judge, I do not fear from it, just for myself it is unacceptable within self-honesty to participate within these as directly seeing/realizing/understanding how specifically, measurably, mathematically and physically the Self-forgiveness is incomparably more direct, powerful, self-honest and effective.

These 'realizations' I should and I do actually acknowledge - yet I do not feel 'arrived'  - I am, we all are already here, just have to realize and take responsibility for it - as I was always here just I was mesmerized by my own mind consciousness within the delusion of 'free will'.
If free will would exist, then who is really choosing what is not best for all? Is that really freedom to not give what would like to receive?
Is that really freedom when due to deliberate choices manifested consequences will always return as equal as one as self? Is freedom could actually exist without equality?

I stopped the obsession with freedom - I can only be free from my own self-limitations and then realize that we are all within one common existence wherein consequences are always coming back equally for all.

There are so much things must be purified within myself which are still influencing, limiting me to prevent myself to walk Self-agreement and with an other and eventually to stand and live with all what is here within the consistent practical consideration of what is really best for all.

Also by walking this Self-purification I've came to the conclusion that the only really thing what matters is the physical here - it is a great con to be mesmerized with all the spiritual/religious and scientific theories of that the universe is illusion and atoms are of empty space mostly - even if we perceive so - where we are in our process within existence - the only thing remains is matter.

We are animated dust on earth and our life spirit is merely nothing, no more than an atomic breeze without an actual human physical body and also to really transcend we must first let go the mind, the consciousness to get into the physical to be one and equal with that - and then we will see - but until that we are really less than the physical here, currently the physical is god - whoever claims differently - should investigate and test it.
This is only me, I state it and I suggest it as with this starting point one can work with actual Self-realization - not with spiritual energies, ideas flying around in the mind but stick to Earth, grounded to use any realization to work with the human system, to actually see what abuse must be understood and stopped. And for that we must stand equal with all what is here and for that we must walk the purification from limitations, to stand as self-trust unwavering, undefined yet unlimited. This comes with accumulation, dedication, direction.

So this writing is that: to see where I came from, how I stand with the point and how I continue to gift myself with the more specific application of Self-forgiveness to never accept anything less than who I really am, which I did not yet seen though we all should not accept less than our utmost potential, which we not yet reached, this should be obvious now.

And for that I commit myself to walk this blog to support myself and others within the fact that the human can change with the right tool and principled living to become absolute self honest with self and all others equally.

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