Tuesday, December 30, 2014

[JTL Day 211] Conditional Standing

There has been some realizations regarding to how I compromise my consistency when I am exhausted, sick which bugs me since a while, thus I re-align here with written words to assist and support within real time physical change. So much things happened and I am definitely going to share all points here.

In short, at times when I am sick, tired, exhausted, I tend to let everything go and focus on resting fully, it's like a program which defines my purpose to rest as much as possible to recover quickly to be able to continue with what I was busy with before the illness/exhaustion.
There is a point when it is supportive to really just lay down and do nothing but there is when I can have a tendency to use it as a backdoor, an old habit to re-create experiences, inner reactions, behaviors what I would not do usually because already 'realized' that it is not absolutely self-honest, for instance to 'fall' into entertainment while disregarding discipline, commitment, integrity and self-honesty.

The mental, emotional, physical feel of 'lack of energy' triggers some pre-programmed behavior to re-fuel the mind, the personality, the act of separation from directly be here as unified and it is of self-dishonesty - I can - and in fact anyone can and should live directly as the flesh of life without the mind, without the fear, the definitions, energy - just substance as expression here.
As much it can sound as spiritual - it isn't - though many spiritual path mention the transcendence or stopping the mind - to walk this path is completely different, which is stopping the addition to energy, to thoughts, to fear, to desires and develop self-trust, self-honesty, self-consistency here - it is challenging, but doable - there is a free online course which can support one to start learning how to assist and support oneself to face and stop the limitations of the mind: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com
I would not suggest it if it would not be that exceptionally supportive.

So: Conditional standing - how and why I allowed to standing up from the mind to become conditional to the mind thus creating the trap of 22?

Let's walk!

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there is one point I am relying on within standing up as LIFE - and it is the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am deceiving myself within the process of standing up through and as my mind - with energy - allowing relying on energy, meaning when feeling tired, sick, ill, exhausted, in pain - letting go of standing up and holding onto the idea of need to pull myself together, rest, recover by methods what in fact give energy - meaning stopping the process of standing up from energy to direct me and go into reactions such as entertainment, lust meanwhile manifesting conflict, friction within me because exactly seeing I am giving up into I've committed myself to stop participating within.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become occupied with energetic reactions, movements, definitions, within my mind and body and disregarding what is here as reality of why in the first place I let go my commitment, what I've decided to do such as decomposing, releasing, removing automatic time looping which self-dishonest choices I've made, which does not consider all beings here but only myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself of giving up into energetic hardwires within my mind and wanting to feel the energy as this is I've pre-defined as being alive while already proven to myself that this is not really who I am but of consequences and within the self-judgement I create what I should do yet not doing so, defining myself as not absolutely being within direction, which to see, experience, observe feels irritating thus creating a conflict, friction within me of then why I do not stop if I see it and going into the reaction for this conflict instead of seeing exactly what it is and why I do what I do for a deeper understanding.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by creating friction within me I accumulate energy to stand up and never realizing the moment I engage within this that it is of conditions, thus always re-creating the same scenario - standing up and falling - and then using reactions, emotions, feelings, thoughts to judge me and then create friction with what to generate energy to stand up and not realizing that the very starting point of using energy to stand up is of self-dishonesty thus invalidating the whole process of standing up, because what fuels the standing up process is dependent of falling into the mind thus never really standing up but only approaching and 'being failed', 'being judged as failed because of failed'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my standing up was an intent, not direct self-expression because conditioned to friction, energy, judgement, a perception of not good, not good enough thus by that triggering the point of standing up, because conditioned to the idea and definition, judgement and experience of falling.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the energy creation of friction by inner conflict is not me, not real, not self, but of and as fear, in and as the mind thus anything I do according to this energy - it is self-delusion, self-dishonesty and if I react, define, accumulate according to it - I will be facing chasing a mirage and ending up realizing the starting point with I've created it: fear of loss. Fear of change, fear of being without energy, fear of not moving.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be persuaded with my thoughts that there could be any moment wherein I do not have to push, direct, and birth myself as physical but when I could go into mode of entertainment as self-defined and thus creating reaction, friction and losing principle, losing presence, losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that being so close for continuous and constant standing up, I've allowed myself to gain false confidence with what boosting into experience and not considering and acting according to facts.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to practically list and remember the points I've allowed myself to define the reasons and justifications of how and why exactly I've allowed myself to go back into the habit of be the starting point as the mind and thus not being aware what I manifest as consequence until the experience of fall of energy directs me and then I react with thoughts, emotions and then when the energy is gone and facing what I allowed then feeling the guilt, shame and sorrow and then activating wait and hope that next time won't happen because I don't want and also judging myself as not good enough and by that stimulating myself to start to move and then move only and until this shame and guilt and sorrow is fueling and then gaining confidence and not realizing that I do not change, I do not trust myself directly but of and as constructs of habits, personalities, reactions without being aware of what exactly these are such as exhausting myself and then being sick and then feeling low on energy and wanting to boost energetic states with arousal, adrenaline, coffee, laughter, entertainment such as wanting to have sex, playing computer game, watching films, watching things on internet what looks interesting or just I can judge them as negative or positive.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand when and how I exactly lose presence from physical and where abusing my human physical body within the altair of experience, praising the mind and reactions instead of be equal and one with and as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply self-forgiveness to points wherein I am losing presence, when I am not directing myself, when I deliberately exhaust myself with the perception of I have to do more until I can instead of realizing it has the starting point of fear of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to go deeper with the 'not being good enough' experience of understanding exactly what I participate within and why and solve the problem of fear which is based on comparison, imagination not considering reality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to feel physically fully here when I am experiencing fear in and as my mind, body, when energy moves within me, thought reactions energize, feeling the electric movements from my solar plexus, my muscles wiggle, when not being aware of the physical breath and allowing myself to accumulate it to a degree of being absolutely tired and exhausted and completely sucked into the mind and just wanting to get to sleep and try to recover and start over to stand up.

When and as I feel myself unstable, weak, exhausted, tired, sick, distanced - I remember - this is a point I've been indirectly accepting to compromise my standing up without ever questioning it - thus I check, whether I am able to assist and support myself without going back to the old habits what with I was unable to be satisfied because the obviousness of self-acceptance of self-dishonesty, thus it is not supporting if at any sign of exhaustion, weakness I experience, define, react-to I allow myself to just lay back into the mind to re-stabilize myself with the same patterns I've been working on to practically let go, stop, transcend and change myself from.

When and as I see that I want to rest, take a break, recover, heal, I do continue to breathe, as presence, as self-direction, even within resting, within healing - meaning continuing with observing the mind, pushing physical presence, exploring practical ways to remain here, directive, stopping being influenced with energy by practical understanding, knowing of how and why I react to what and decide to stop without allowing inner conflict, friction to use for directing myself.

When and as I am sick - I simply rest, without judging, defining blame to myself, I trust myself, I allow myself to feel the pain, the physical state, even if it means to become one and equal with all the pain, suffering, uncomfortability and I stand - there is no way to escape from consequence, this is where and who I am as physical presence and I realize - anytime I escape into the mind - that is not real haven, that is not lasts, that is not really me - thus I accumulate direction, consistency and decision to express within each moment, regardless of my physical state, my conditions.

When and as I am tired, exhausted, hungry, feeling weak, ill, sick - I slow down within and ensure that I do not get lost within reactions towards positive and negative energy - and even if it means not behave as I would want, I realize that is of self-definition and any related reaction to it is still the mind - I trust myself and I express and I remain present, direct, physical, even if it means completely stopping, completely allowing myself to embrace physical presence and I allow and explore, direct and accept to be fully here breath by breath.

When and as I am resisting to rest - I check - am I in my body fully here or I am rushing ideas from my mind to do without considering, more importantly: respecting my human physical body? And I commit myself to consider, physically feel and respect my body as giving what I'd like to receive - unconditional love, care, support, birthing as life.
When and as I am exhausted or sick or unable to do what I committed to act - I look into the circumstances and conditions, apparent choices and reactions I've made to learn more about how and why I acted so, especially when after that I've judged myself as not cool.
When and as I see that I am exhausting myself because at this moment I am not feeling tiredness, however I am certainly aware of that how much I've slept before, how soon I have to wake up as rested yet I am high on what I do as judging it as positive - I stop and let all go and I realize I can trust myself within not falling into the 'constant resting' so while resting keeping up with discipline, presence,direction.

I commit myself to explore further how and when I disregard the process of standing up based on conditions, especially when feeling uncomfortable, exhausted, sick, ill, weaker, tired - and realizing that if any condition I allow to influence, direct me to tell me who I am - I am not yet myself but of accumulated acceptance of self-dishonesty, which I stand up to breath by breath.

I commit myself to slow down and let everything go when I am losing physical presence and I direct myself to remain here - even if fear, uncomfortability, pain comes - I embrace and stand and remain here, directive.

I commit myself to develop self-trust within to distinguish embracing to remain here and self-acceptance and endurance, meaning it is not to accept everything as it is and to remain so, but from the dishonest mind perspective first to accept the facts here - yet not accepting that as who I must be, but as the current consequence of my past actions and not-actions which I must understand within absolute specificity, naturally, breath by breath, act by act.

I commit myself to explore the practical ways to remain here, directive, within process of self-forgiveness while being in pain, uncomfortability and exhaustion and realizing that I can remain self here regardless of anything if I am able and willing and actually living the re-alignment and physical change.

I commit myself to decompose all self-definitions I accepted and allowed to accumulate within my mind about how I must feel and behave, react to and do when having pain, uncomfortability, exhaustion, sickness until I am standing here with empty, black, whole mind which is me as life as directive principle here within absolute self-honesty in all moments equally.

By listening these EQAFE interviews and working on an Agreement Course assignment some new points opened up which with I will continue in the next post, but to give a direction to it concisely: PERFECTION.

EQAFE is one crucial support within the Unification of Man - the only thing to be really grateful for it is to not just listen, understand but to actually LIVE the words of it, as it is an invaluable support for anyone who is willing to invest time and practical effort within Self-realization to widen perspective, gain awareness and take responsibility for what is really happening within and as ourselves and the world around us.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

[JTL Day 210] Open Source Investigation part 3 - Equality

Continuing on how exploring Open Source:
I write about my ideas of how I would imagine a world system.

It is a crucial point of realizing - "what is best for all" is also being judged as 'not possible' by referring to the diversity of people and their apparent variety of their interest, needs - thus giving up on even considering what it could mean, therefore never considering how could be acted upon this principle actually.

Instead of focusing to the differences, we could also investigate the common ground for all - what is the same within all humans, what are the points within we are all actually equals?

This is simple: physical reality - within this real-m, we all have needs what are physical: air, water, food, shelter, just to mention the very basics and even health care, education could be added as really important to have to live as a capable, healthy human being in this world.

These points can not be neglected within our own lives, to our families, otherwise things quickly become unbearable and would end terribly, therefore in fact we all equally need these to have access to - and to actually deny this point of equality for all of us is simply a deliberate ignorance.

Yet many can and will have reasons and justifications for why accepting OTHERS to suffer while ensuring our needs first is allowable - mostly because of the limitations the individuals have which multiplies and becomes common ground - but actually who is responsible for a person being limited? The crucial point is to realize the abdication of self-responsibility - because from the moment of blame and projection abdicates this responsibility - in a way ANY responsibility - one might lose the ability to change - oneself and the reality as well toward the obvious better.

Thus it is very important to realize to be able to question our own reasoning, decisions, conclusions, reactions, otherwise we might end up accepting limitation without being aware of it and carrying out actions or stand downs based on our not really cross-referenced decisions but accepted consequences accumulated into (physical) manifestations.

To take credit from me, that we are all literally equals might not seem as relevant as one's own reactions, but there are ways to expand from Self-interest, which is always wanting to be right - it's a decision obviously, especially to realize that individually, personally no one wants to be left out from to have a right for living.

It's an interesting play out - because if someone would tell me that there is a wider perspective of understanding available, wherein it becomes obvious that equality is not just a philosophy, an idealistic poetry but actual facts right here in front of our noses, then how can we dare to disregard this option without investigating, being absolutely sure that it's not the truth - "There is no such thing as truth, only denial of what is here." - once a man said that and changed the world forever starting with SELF and pointing to what is actually happening HERE on earth and we all gave into the mind-fuck of that "it is alright to accept abuse and rape and murder, famine and wars".
If one walks through this mind-delusion will realize that it is the fundamental principle here that we are always equal and one with and as all we accept and allow, therefore it means we are simply responsible.
For me there was no way back once I've realized this - and who denies it without actually, really, thoroughly investigating the possibility, the actuality, the reality of that we all should have dignified life with food, shelter, water etc.
The most relevant point is to change seems impossible, too slow, there are powerful 'interests' who want to block equality and peace while in fact we are doing the same even at areas within our own lives where we can actually have a choice to make a difference.

And to not see these choices which are based on previously made decisions - it's not common sense.

By considering the points of needs of all equally and cross-referencing these within actual current facts of how humans are living on Earth - it's easy to realize that we are disregarding points of equality, what are obvious, especially when we would consider on personally accepting and allowing - participating and even directing man-made manifestations to influence, direct human lives such as law, politics, education with government, law-enforcement, schools - and unless these 'establishments' do not consider the obvious equality points - these are compromised the same way as our perception on how we see things based on our own interest, which is mostly influenced, built upon acceptance of fear - therefore to face this fear - one must investigate what exact points are triggering this fear, what actually happens within oneself before and during the reactions of fear.

And based on this, when one tries to explain why can disregard others physical needs, what are equal to one's needs - then it is to realize that disregard is based on some kind of fear - no matter how subtle, layered, forgotten, disregarded etc.

It can become obvious when one cannot or don't want to comprehend the opposite scenario of one's opinion, thus herein the equal needs and eventually the right for fundamental requirements of physical living for all humans unconditionally.

How this all comes to the ideal world to imagine? Or even to the 'philosophy' of Open Source?

First of all - if anyone has more than enough while somebody else is lacking - and I still consider on basic physical requirements, such as food, water, shelter, health care, education - then it is obvious that unless everyone is not fed, supported at least to be able to not just survive, but to be nurtured to become a healthy being - then the 'goal' is obvious.

Especially when considering the fact that there is more than enough food in this world and it could be distributed efficiently if that would be the interest of us, as individuals and humanity as a whole as well.

So for now I do not envision beyond this simple point and unless this is not physically manifested, established as obviously default - there is so much to learn, understand and manifest.

Also it is important to acknowledge that perceptions, judgements coming from one's mind, which is busy with reactions to inner conflicts/frictions - cannot and will not be able to grasp how reality actually works because everything's grasped is being filtered through one's mind, which is existing within conflict, thus seeing everything through those exact conflicts, opposites, automatic definitions, reactions based on one's interest.

Therefore if anyone states that best for all cannot be manifested, while accepting and allowing to be influenced, changed with thoughts, feelings, emotions without self-direction, self-knowledge, self-honesty and principle, consistency, integrity - it's simply a perception what can not be taken seriously.

How the world is functioning is also a reflection of how individual beings are living in relation to their own mind, body and beingness expressed upon their surroundings, reality.

This says that any practical change based on common sense has to start with self, from inside to outside and it starts with a decision to reveal all what's not obvious, understood, known, because it is to realize - most of the people has goodwill, yet not being capable to stand up to something this obvious, such as famine, lack of health care etc - it is to acknowledge that we are being influenced within our minds what we do not yet comprehend.

It is to face how one can react based on self-definition, established belief based on perception, accepting fear which through one can compromise absolute integrity with all of the facts in this world, because if if we look at personalities - mostly people react according to personal interest, agenda or relevance. If we were able to look all things as they are - without the labels, annotations, definitions, reactions of our own mind - all would remain would be facts.

All facts are equals, however if I focus to one fact - "fact - I - on" - I am not seeing the whole, only part of it, thus what I can understand within the dynamic, holistic, global perspective is not fact.

I do not mean that to understand anything within this world, we always have to see everything as a whole, because it's not practical, especially from the current 'human condition, limited by the mind', but to conclude what we perceive as absolute, to what we base our life to build on are might not be that true, therefore we can easily compromise our own perception of how we see, understand how things are, therefore how we decide, act upon is also influenced, limited by our own perception.

Therefore it is a must to first investigate and sort out these perceptions, especially when something is based on reaction to fear - regardless of what kind of fear - fear of loss, fear of change, fear of fear.

And with decomposing, stopping fear one thing will fall step by step - the delusion of separation.

When we let all fear go - there will be no me and them anymore - and if still so - then it is known that there is still fear within one's self-definition.

That's all of this idealistic rant for today - this is my dream, idea and so to speak 'hope' - that to realize what are facts, which are real and what are of fear, which are not real - yet what we act upon, we manifest consequences, which will remain here.

To reflect back all of this into the idea of 'Open Source' - it is a concept what also can be used to demonstrate and utilize for how we also can re-align and change our own existence from scratch within our mind, physical reality equally to actually live Openly.

It is not that difficult to establish the recognition of that we are not aware of how our own mind works - and yet it is possible to learn.

I use the analogy of Closed source as a Self-Dishonest Man in relation to Open Source as a Self-Honest Man with the following points:
  • A Self-Dishonest man does not understand how one's mind is operating or what are the physical consequences for all life of this. This is like there is a program running within our mind, body which we do not understand, yet we 'use it', we live according to it, we trust it
  • A Self-Honest man is capable and willing to investigate and understand how and why his/her mind is functioning and being able to see the source code as it is Open and Transparent, even can be changed with understanding and practical skills by changing the program of it to explore practical ways to take responsibility for the outcome/consequences of one's starting point and actions.
There is this saying "There is always a way." - and another "I have not failed - just learned hundreds of ways what didn't work."

I've been gifted with the practical skills of software engineering - being able to investigate problems, plan and develop code, functionality, behavior for problems to solve - and there is always limitation - yet still - also there is also always a way to get it done, it is always about the technique and awareness, presence and consistency of application of how things are getting solved and the dedication becomes practical experience and within such: this gift is also a direction based on decision.

Also we can learn from what is here, in the system, for instance: corporations - they are exploring ways what we never considered to get there yet it is here - nanobots, stealth military drones, websites serving billions of people, nuclear-laser-fusion energy....dog knows what technology, yet we still not recognize that we abdicate responsibility for the most imperative point: who we are as LIFE.
Within this aspect: Open Source means that the Source, from which we build Physical Life must be Open for all participants.

We also cannot have the excuse for that the system is too big, the amount, the mass, the data is too much to handle in a fluid way to all have practical access for the basic needs, because within a recent available technology, for instance with a singular video card(which is for supporting the computer to calculate and show graphics on screen), there are billions of transistors and gigabytes of memories with many-many processors being capable of calculating data so quickly and efficiently that actually there would not be needed much more for being capable of supporting Open Source Society - if we would invest and direct ourselves to research and develop, test and establish such systems.

Also to realize that the current world system as money system is overgrown us and acts like a consciousness system - conglomerated by each individual human participant within it and apparently very few of them are able to reflect back on how they are acting according to all other participants equally.

It is apparently like the sword what can't cut itself through, we still bash and lash on the consequences of who we are within ourselves yet never considering to open up this one simple point by stepping back for a moment to see what is always here: SELF.

So for me Open Source is not only a software methodology, not even 'just' a way to transform society, government in order to give as we would like to receive on individual and global level, but it can be a WAY to take responsibility not just as some creatures, but also AS Creation AND Creator as well - sharing is caring, giving is receiving and by doing this - to even take this responsibility for who we are and how we can change ourselves in order to stop conflict within ourselves and among each other.

How we think, feel, react to can be changed and I am not talking about genetic engineering, breeding, mutation, those are also consequence-plays, but actually - it is Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-direction supported by writing, sounding and acting Living Words as SELF as PHYSICAL with what we can give for ourselves a new chance, a change according to what is best for all.

The idea of being a creator by changing our beingness is in fact the most honoring thing we could do by actually standing up as responsible as equal as creation - and this responsibility is here, regardless of we take it or not - if the current system accepts abuse and I do so - I am the system, I am responsible - therefore a Self-honest way is to investigate, change, apply unconditionally.

This can give so many advantages I cannot list them here but the most relevant would be that if we re-establish our beingness starting point as Self Here as Equal as One with and as all what is here in the Physical - as Existence, as all Life - then there is no fall from this 'location' - because wherever and whatever will come - "I am always HERE" - All what is here is SELF and this gives stability, consistency, integrity. And as foggy this can sound, actually it can be lived very simply and practically in each moment equally. Just if one is incapable of - should know, that a process awaits to be walked - the Self-realization, for give as would like to receive - for Self - for Others - all as Equal as One as Life.

So my idea of free world would be like this:
-A system is here to ensure all have access to food, shelter, water, health care, education, using technology, whatever to work practically
-No one is being accepted who would try to overcome the basic right for a healthy living for anyone
-Understand the idea of freedom, not as currently, as using free will as excuse and justification for abuse, but for all to give a dignified life, being free from the fear
-Facilities to support for overcoming fear - fear from overpopulation, fear from loss, fear from fear

This seems like utopia - only some science fiction movies showed this kind of way but if we investigate how the systems are established on earth today - there are ways actually which through this could be manifested - but currently there are things placed within our mind, in the system to keep us away from the truth, which is simply what is going on here and how we are giving away our individual power. But this knowledge seems like Closed Source, in fact it is Open, but we have to investigate and apply to change to open ourselves too based on these principles, most importantly: Self-honesty.
This is what Equal Life Foundation is busy with, the individuals, 'simple' persons, like me are standing up and together to educate, investigate, research and manifest practical solutions to all have a dignified life.
One can only work on self-realization until a point from where there is no self as individual but as all equal, on this planet within this current system, embracing all the facts here.

Monday, November 24, 2014

[JTL Day 209] Open Source Investigation part 2 - Is it really Free?

I continue with Open Source, starting with the phenomenon called Free Software and leaning to the idea of 'Free and Freedom'.

There is a movement initiated by Richard Stallman and the Free Software Foundation (http://fsf.org)

Reading through Stallman's explanation on how and why he advocates exclusively only to Free software in opposing Open Source - as I get his conclusion it is that 'free software is freedom' and Open source is still 'of interests'.


" Open source is a development methodology; free software is a social movement. For the free software movement, free software is an ethical imperative, essential respect for the users' freedom. By contrast, the philosophy of open source considers issues in terms of how to make software “better”—in a practical sense only. It says that non-free software is an inferior solution to the practical problem at hand. Most discussion of “open source” pays no attention to right and wrong, only to popularity and success.

For the free software movement, however, non-free software is a social problem, and the solution is to stop using it and move to free software."

Here comes Stallman's idea of real difference:

"A pure open source enthusiast, one that is not at all influenced by the ideals of free software, will say,

-“I am surprised you were able to make the program work so well without using our development model, but you did. How can I get a copy?” This attitude will reward schemes that take away our freedom, leading to its loss.

The free software activist will say,

-“Your program is very attractive, but I value my freedom more. So I reject your program. I will get my work done some other way, and support a project to develop a free replacement.” If we value our freedom, we can act to maintain and defend it.""

Open source means I can look into the source code - it's literally and absolutely transparent, I can fork(reuse) and modify it but after that, I can restrict the modified source's usage, I can make profit out of it to personal(corporate) interest as it does not enforce copyleft* and thus someone can develop closed-source software/product based on the code/knowledge.

* "What is Copyleft?

Copyleft is a general method for making a program (or other work) free, and requiring all modified and extended versions of the program to be free as well."

So, after this programmer introduction - I am asking what can be learned from this in terms of humanity/political/economic perspective?

The creations of "Open" can be monetized and it's further development can be "Closed/Non-free", while the "Free" means that in no way can be monetized, and it will always remain "Open and Free".

The idea is that with Open Source - the information can be shared and distributed transparently and effectively - which can be beneficial for catalyzing research and development and the reason is that corporations (even the big ones) do this, is that their 'interest' is maximizing their effectiveness, which is obviously: profit.

The point of profit is not 'evil' itself - if it's within a holistic principle of considering all participants equally, because our current human system is ingrained with monetary flow to such an extent that it is what keeps it alive - without this kind of 'interest' - there is not enough effective movement even for effective operation/surviving(infrastructure/electricity/food/transport/health care etc).

That is why the Free source is not yet that widely effective, because only few individuals do actually decide to create like that, who are able to have access to the basic requirements for living. If someone can't have food/shelter/healthy living perspective, it's obvious that the priority is to secure that - responsibility for family/surroundings is common sense, however it is crucial to invest into education of the individuals on what impact and consequence we are all accumulating with our decisions and actions.

Also it does not require to have a doctorate about quantum physics or rocket science to figure out that in a way we all are having impact on how the whole system operates, in fact mostly it is greater than we think - it is not difficult to be occupied and overwhelmed by our personal responsibilities that losing or never even had the bigger picture.

To develop skills to be able to investigate and understand effectively not only the personal, interpersonal but the universal levels of energy, resources, dynamics and interconnectedness of all participants within our human systems is also not just possible but very much needed to understand how much inequality and lack of real compassion is happening with actual people's conscience and very few are able to aim real support - and it is not charity I refer to, but to be able to find and access the core of the problems with our morality, the economic and monetary exploitation and deliberate abuse.

It is to understand that currently corporations are part of the already manifested inequality, separation but they are also keeping the system alive so to speak in terms of fueling infrastructure, common good and even the basics for living: electricity, food, basic services.

That is why doing riots, anarchist rage-protests, blame game cannot be a solution, because the participants of that do not even get that they would be the first line to suffering the consequence of the havoc they are willing to wreck, because emotions are in the way to see things through. But in fact we can only take responsibility for acceptances and allowances in terms of our real freedom we personally give away when not standing up to, not only for our own self-interest but for all others equally too.

The current schema for government/political/economic and corporate management is of 'Closed source' thus the details of the hidden agendas cannot be seen thus it is not obvious where the effectiveness, the common welfare of the population is being blocked and also being not obvious why and these questions has to be answered in order to be able to understand what are the facts in order to be able to change the systems what are determining our lives.

Free source and free software is really a great idea and in fact the people are creating those values also has to eat, have shelter, life support, which are not free within this current economic, political, law system. Even if the individuals/groups, who are researching, developing these intellectual values have access to those requirements for a healthy living, there is monetary flow within that support, which is undoubtedly interconnected with the money system as a whole.

Therefore it is also to recognize that the idea of 'Free' can be understood as really just being an 'idea', but interesting to realize also that the starting point of the whole money system as 'need to compete to survive' is also an idea, just it's within everybody's head and thus being played out becoming physical reality with real consequences, which of many are irreversible.

However to recognize the starting point of the strive towards freedom, Free Source, the General Public License - to create something what is for everybody equally: it is something what can be investigated and used as a model for the future within the interest of what is best for all.

Freedom is also an interesting concept - let not go into that - yet -, rather explore some Open Source initiatives:

Open Source Government: http://www.opengovguide.com/

Open Government Plan: https://osc.gov/Resources/OSC_Open-Govt-Plan_Nov2014.pdf

Open Source Ecology: http://opensourceecology.org/ 

to be continued...

Monday, November 10, 2014

[JTL Day 208] Open Source Investigation part 1

After walking through my last topic of 'Tiredness' - I head on the concept of Open Source - starting
with generic information and then specifying into the details, continuing with decomposing and re-aligning my own perceptions/definitions/personality manifestations with principled, practical self-correction and commitment in regarding to the concept of 'Open Source'.

I start Open Source with what I know already and how I've became aware of.

This term came to me from the programmer world, where people are writing software codes what run on computer systems. The source code, what is the software, basically the mechanism, the program, the behavior, the form and actions computers and programmable machines do. The internet we use, websites, operating systems, machines, creative software, the whole infrastructure now runs by computer programs which all has source.

The source code is basically large sets of statements, conditions, loops and data combined together to handle and process information.

Specifying Source as 'Open', it seems to be obvious that there is 'Closed Source' code as well - this code optimally can be financed, someone would pay for what it can do. Banks for instance pay quite big fortunes to develop the source code handling their monetary operations, those must be exceptionally reliable and predictable, fast and stable - people has to be educated and organized, worked, directed to that level of efficiency, what is worthy of quite good money in the market.

There is however, 'free source' - people are making quite huge effort to ensure that the code they write, the software they develop, that has to be free, available for anyone, anytime.

Free source is not the same as Open source - there is some software what are free, but can not be changed, re-used, they has to remain as have been made - and to use freely.

Open source means anyone can 'fork'(copy and modify and reuse) it and surprisingly there is a great amount of reliable, stable, efficient open source software on the internet because those developers/coders/programmers/managers has the vision, the idea that these things what these open source software do should be available and basically free for anyone unconditionally.

Most programmers do know quite a lot about these paradigms, I also got familiar with this at the university from about 1997, and this existed way before that since the 1950's - anyone is interested can check out there:


There are a couple of foundations about it, I just list some of these
"Open source is a development method for software that harnesses the power of distributed peer review and transparency of process. The promise of open source is better quality, higher reliability, more flexibility, lower cost, and an end to predatory vendor lock-in."
"The Free Software Foundation (FSF) is a nonprofit with a worldwide mission to promote computer user freedom and to defend the rights of all free software users."

There are many-many non-profit organizations what are aligned with the Open Source model and surprisingly there are a LOT of Corporations what are actively supporting these communities with financial, technological and other support.

Their interest meets with the open source community standards within developing reliable and highly efficient software as they have recognized the power within the distributed peer review and transparent development/testing/application process.

There are Licenses with one can Release software and it's source code and that License is to ensure that the source is not used for profit, corporate interest by itself, but it must remain as free for all.
"The GNU General Public License is a free, copyleft license for software and other kinds of works.
The licenses for most software and other practical works are designed to take away your freedom to share and change the works. By contrast, the GNU General Public License is intended to guarantee your freedom to share and change all versions of a program--to make sure it remains free software for all its users."

Can Open Source be effective? Sure it can - there is Linux - an operating system which is really effective and popular among coders/system administrators. Anyone does not know Linux should check out because it is an outstanding creation which is just one of the example of Open Source Communities.

Now, I bring in an other Open Source concept, which is Open Source Democracy/Government/Politics.

Who read my blogs and listen my vlogs could notice that I've decided to stop excluding the law/politics/economics from my expansion of awareness. Not that I've lost my interest within Self-realization, Unification, stopping the Mind and transcending all perceived separation; it's quite the opposite!

I've realized that all what is here is entails who I am and the limit of my awareness is the exact limit of my responsibility I stand up to, which is still the process of birthing Life from the physical as individual, but as equal as one as Humanity as a whole as well - and that entails, encompasses, includes all systems, especially those what are the most relevant within influencing, directing the daily living of human lives.

The monetary, political systems are also part of ourselves and it is crucial to understand that because of we separated ourselves from the whole within perception and by that within our action, we has lost control, power and direction within giving away our responsibility of all as equal as one and only considering our own self-interest, our own happiness, which starts and for most people ends with survival.

By walking this process of Self-honesty it became clear that each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current state of earth - and it is not a bad thing! By taking responsibility we can nurture our awareness, in fact the very creation of ourselves of who we are as co-creators to recognize the opportunity to work together for a world which is best for all participants.

It seems to be far-fetched but actually starts with SELF here, realizing that if much more people would participate within the political scenarios with the starting point of giving as we would like to receive - it would quickly accumulate into real changes.

Current political system is like closed source program code - most people do not care about how the system works, they just want the benefits, not wanting to partake within the responsibility, just want the goodies - but actually we, each are unique and if all of us would give a little into the common system with responsibility - the whole world could become Open Source and Free for all - no more surviving, competition, abuse and deception...

For those who dare to walk out from the self-deception of one's own EGO, MIND-Perception - it should be pretty obvious that there is a tipping point from which there is no separation from self and others within responsibility, within awareness - thus real compassion can be re-defined and applied by not just looking at individual lives but as a holistic, whole system. That's where one starts to investigate not only the internal systems within one's behavior/personality patterns but also the external systems, the world system, how humanity is existing currently. What are the current forces directing humanity's destiny and what are the most relevant aspects with what we actually write our own history - and politics is one of that - we can deny it, blame it, exclude it, but those groups/individuals/interests are in directive power currently by having monetary/financial/media/military and political power - that is more relevant than anything else. We can say art, music, movies or even gaymarches are something but in fact not as relevant as the currently existing voting system which uses the deliberate misinformation, psychological warfare and the fact that people do not want to be responsible, they want somebody to have that, take care of that, to actually not to grow up and see the whole world as it is - that is all we have, that is we have for all. And I do not judge those who go to marches, maybe can be effective and for herding but it should not end just walking and shaking our hands but to investigate, engage, initiate and stand up and actually be the living example of change, even if it means to actually find and support people with real integrity, who is transparent, obviously dedicated and principled to remain consistent within considering what would be the best for all - that should be the starting point of politics in the first place - and it should not be the responsibility only for some while the others are just pawns of these power games. It is always equal and one - in the smaller - just like the greater - "I am always equal and one with all what I accept and allow within oneness and equality as SELF"

Just like we accept and allow our mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions, personalities, moods, reactions, memories, energies, associations, intuitions, desires, fears to constantly influence, direct us to not be able to stand up, get free and actually have the only relevant decision to make: to be responsible for all what is here.

That is where I see politics coming in - previously I had the impression that with art I can influence change but not really - art is also, just like spirituality: a product, a concept, stripped away from real freedom and the only way to be free is to take responsibility and not stop until it's absolute.

So I see that to actually participate within politics - is not really different than participate within community - and I know how corrupted, deceptive, twisted and foggy the current political forces can be seen, perceived, judged, concluded to, but it is imperative to realize that this is part of it's deception.

Just like we feel that we need our thoughts to automatically be accepted and energize, stimulate us with the inner friction to energize us to positive feelings, negative emotions to move us - the same is with the external systems - but we can take over within our mind and remain present, directive, and the same way we can participate within politics also step by step to embrace what is here and actually make a difference, live an example of change, to support. So for that I dedicate these posts to Open Source - because it's transparent, it's open, it's unconditional and can be used for real good.

"The open-politics theory, a narrow application of open-source governance, combines aspects of the free software and open content movements, promoting decision-making methods claimed to be more open, less antagonistic, and more capable of determining what is in the public interest with respect to public policy issues."

I find this as much as the free software quite fascinating, especially by seeing how much actually computer and program source code now is capable, able and actually do for the people, communities and in overall for all of humanity.

I use commercial software - and yes, I even pay for it, I still understand that specific software to develop: people do it as their job and expecting a wage, a living to earn by that and by considering the effectiveness of the software I buy/subscribe to use for those I am deciding to.

Now, there is also a great habit of people(especially the young) to get and use closed source software without paying - "downloading the cracked version" which even can be considered as crime at most places, because it is being judged as intellectual property.

I did that too - basically copied stolen code and used it - games, tool software, operating systems - I was like - "there is nothing I really steal, it's not like a car, the original remains if I copy it and anyway I do not have money for it and they should share it freely".

Since walking the Process of Self-realization - I was able to recognize that in fact I can take responsibility for all aspect of my life, my reality, starting with what I accept and allow and actually do and by considering the computer software too.

It is not a simple topic to discuss and I do not judge those who use cracked software, just I decided to pay when it is closed source and of course - I still can decide whether I need that specific software if it's not of Open/Free/Public License and if so, then considering how to get it with consideration of who've made it available - meaning for instance paying for it.

This is still a new thing for me, since a while I've tried to 'live' like this and by having a job, working for salary I can afford to pay for some software that I use.

And it is not even about considering my guilt-ego-trip as beating my chest that I am so great now - it's just my common sense and decision to live by.

If I like a software and it's made by a company/corporation - I want to support their work, their effort - and by that I do not just receive, I give too - kind of equal relationship.

Even if I download and use a software with Free/Open/Public License - it still does not mean that it has been created effortless, rather than the people who've made it, ensured that their (many times really hard) work is for giving it to all unconditionally.

It's kind of a concept to get accustomed to that always to look for what we can get, access, receive or expect, even demand but we are in this system just like everybody else - time and resources are not infinite.

By studying the ecosystem, nature, the land, animals, plants - it is the same - they get and give - in the long term there is an equal relationship, a balance or equilibrium, in a way it is one system.

To recognize this as a human individual might be challenging if one constantly focuses to one's needs, one's perspectives, one's self-interest, but in a way - it is also common sense to give as we would like to receive, because by that way we empower not only ourselves to practical equality but also encouraging others too.

That is why I work on this concept - because it is promising, it is something we can learn from - for instance this guy:

Rushkoff challenges us all to participate in the redesign of political institutions in a way which enables new solutions to social problems to emerge as the result of millions interactions. In this way, online communication may indeed be able to change offline politics.


So for further investigation I will investigate these publications and continue on expanding with this topic:



Information Secrecy vs Information Accountability

Open Source Direct Democracy - Living Income Guaranteed

Douglas Rushkoff - Open Source Democracy

Saturday, October 25, 2014

[JTL Day 207] Tiredness vs Awareness part 7 - commitment

Continuing on decomposing the self-accepted patterns in regarding to tiredness which I've allowed to
cause friction/energetic movement within me as realizing that it is not self-honest, not supporting me and in fact I can let it all go and trust myself directly without reactions/thoughts/definitions.
Last time I wrote this:
When and as I experience tiredness in my mind, in my eyes, in my feet, in my breathing - I consider if I am able to take a break from what I am doing if possible and give myself a presence, a relax, a refreshment without needing to think/define/judge the situation of judging it/myself as I am getting tired - I simply do it without needing to wait for thinking such - directly thus preventing myself from going into my mind.

When and as I feel like I am not present, but still doing what I am doing, when I feel like I start to have a distance, when the emptiness starts to create a void within myself what I would feel like lack of energy and then judging that as 'I am getting tired' I bring myself here, I focus to my chest, my body, my breathe, my posture, my physical senses, my direction here without defining as it is required, simply expressing myself and re-defining myself as presence within physical action.

When and as I would want to do something and within wanting losing my presence, my ability to consider my body, what is exhausting and how and pushing the limits to the degree of 'really wanting it to be done' and not considering physical limits, time - I see/realize/understand that it is not about how much I can push at once to do, but it is about stability, presence, persistence, consistence which means considering how to do things with including resting, respecting and supporting my human physical body as well as equal as one as my will, direction, expression.

When and as I worry of not doing something to it's completion, when worrying of not finishing something if I would stop doing it for a moment of resting, re-stabilizing presence, preventing tiredness/exhaustion then I remember that even if I take a rest/relaxation/replenishment I can be aware of what I am doing and I can remain consistent with my direction/will/presence to continue it with the consideration of the support of my human physical body.

When and as I would start working and not feeling when the body requires resting/relaxing/regeneration I realize it is because I am not here, aware, equal and one with my human physical body and thus accepting thoughts/feelings/emotions to be generated automatically and then waiting for those to tell me how I am, what I experience and who I must be instead of myself be aware and directive in each moments with consideration of what I do while also consider my body, the physical.

When and as I do something such as working with computer or in the physical world with things and I see myself thinking about something, unrelated from the job, or even related with the job - I realize that I can unlearn that automatic reaction and develop a stable presence/direction/self-trust wherein I do not need to think but always express myself here.

When and as I feel tired and exhausted by doing something and thoughts start to arise and I feel getting tired I stop the need to fight tiredness instead of see/realize/understand the reason I feel tired and do something to stop it - and if possible take a break, refresh/realign myself here.

When and as I feel tiredness or exhausted and what I do cannot be stopped at this moment for instance working with others which requires to be done or that specific part requires to be done first to be able to have a break, then I focus to breathing, presence, direction and be one and equal with what I do and push myself out from my mind and realize I am here, my body is breathing here and birth myself in each moment to be and remain here.

When and as I feel tiredness emerging in my mind and feel the lack of energy and dullness I breathe and push myself here and apply self-forgiveness aloud or if not possible, I apply the forgiveness in one moment as a decision to step out from the tiredness and also seeing/realizing/understanding the reason coming up in my mind what tells me to be alright to feel tired such as lack of fresh air, needing water, doing something more time than I am able to do without being tired and that excuses I forgive myself for accepting and I immediately bring myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself, my actions, my attention, my expression based on thoughts I hear in my mind, my head, instead of realizing I can act and live directly preventing thoughts by understanding, presence, direction, self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to notice, see/realize/understand when I am acting, doing something meanwhile accepting thoughts, listening to thoughts, reacting to thoughts, seeing thoughts as myself directly and not being aware that by this I am preventing myself to be HERE directly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that tiredness is a thought, a definition what to I can decide not to listen but feel my physical body, my awareness, myself and discover, explore, build and express self-trust by remaining undefined.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that one of the reasons I've allowed myself to be constantly stimulated by thoughts is because I believed, defined myself as somebody needing to be instructed, suggested to, told by thoughts because otherwise I would not be motivated, stimulated to act and within that not realizing that all I allowed myself to become is a result of stimulation, dependent on lack of self-trust.

I commit myself to stop any definition in regards to tiredness based on memories, on worry, on fear and as I understand the already accepted patterns in my mind I understand, decompose and forgive myself for allowing myself to be limited by definition, judgement, separation.

I commit myself to be equal and one with and as my human physical body and feel my breath, feel the physical signs my body is giving in regarding to when it requires for resting, relaxing, rejuvenate, regenerate and I commit myself to develop a presence within my body to immediately be able to see these signs to prevent exhaustion, sickness.

I commit myself to stop all reaction within myself based on memories about how and when I used to or supposed to get tired by specific events, circumstances, actions and stop all the energetic reactions within me what I've participated within because of the belief, the perception and the self-accepted limitation of that 'I am unable to feel and be my body directly here and need my mind, thoughts, energies to tell me how it is and what I supposed to do' and within this I commit myself to stop this pattern and I let go this complexity, this system and I direct myself, allow myself to realize that I am presence, I am breathe, I am physical, I am simplicity here.

When and as I see that I am not taking the rest when my body indicates me that I am being exhausted and be obsessed with what I do and wanting to do more and more and not rest because of the worry/fear that I do not do enough - I let it go and I consider that what is really important, I can continue when I am rested and also I realize when I am exhausted I am more exposed to my previously self-accepted tendency of wanting to stimulate myself with energetic experiences, reactions, judgements, thoughts, feelings, emotions which then will accumulate me into moods, personalities, which with I will accept inconsistency, because of the energy comes and go and then by that inconsistency I will not be able to do what I want, commit and direct myself to do, therefore in this case I let everything go of my mind, all worry, fear or even 'being high' from progressing in something and I realize if I really decide and commit myself to do what I want - then the consistent accumulation is more relevant and effective than do it until exhaustion therefore I take the rest and if required I take notes on what I plan to do after resting.

I commit myself to worry of not being able to do all the things I planned to do and wanting to not rest when my body requires it - because of being possessed of the idea of not progressing and generating energy by that fear reaction and using that energy to continue doing what I do and realizing that within the worry I am not myself but of fear, as fear thus I commit myself to stop, calm, re-align myself with presence, inner quietness, simplicity, breathing and remember the reason of what I allowed myself to be obsessed with even to the degree of disregarding my body, my health, my consistency to apply self-forgiveness to support myself for the next time to prevent reacting the same dishonest way again.

I commit myself to stop defining myself as 'I am tired' and whenever this thought pattern would come up I act immediately within re-aligning myself physically here, stopping the energetic relationship definitions and apply common sense and self-forgiveness to prevent myself in tiredness-definition while accumulate self-knowing, self-trust and self-direction to be able to apply rest/relaxation/regeneration when required.

I commit myself to stop worry of not doing enough thus overwhelm and exhaust myself when feeling the mood/energy/condition to apply myself which would indicate not self-direction but of reaction thus I stop it, I realize it and I apply self-forgiveness and realize that consistency, presence and patience is the most practical approach to get things done.

I commit myself to stop the already accepted automatic patterns to energize me meaning using substances, sexual arousal and deliberate anxiety in order to overcome the energetic tiredness as realizing/understanding/seeing that unless I motivate/stimulate/influence/move myself with and through energy - I am separated from myself in the acceptance and fear of not being able to directly be here and aware thus I immediately re-align and change and let go each reaction in regarding to energy and learn to move with and as the physical body's rhytm and presence as equal as one as self.

I suggest to listen this practical approach on tiredness/sleep/mind for further understanding:

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

[JTL Day 206] Tiredness vs Awareness part 6 - practicality

This is the continuation of the mind-tiredness patterns and expanding on impatience:
So I've been 'practicing' the moment of truth with myself so to speak, when at moments I need to wait yet I want to rush forward, currently pronouncing: with computers.

I mention it as moment of truth - in fact all moment is truth - but do we realize it?

When I am facing the point of friction because within my mind I want to rush while not being aligned with reality, kind of reality feels like drags me down, pulls back, or at least I judge it like that in my mind and thus judging it as bad and that creates the friction, energy, charge experience.

I have a cool example: I am using a browser add-on which allows me to set up my Stumbleupon account and be able to 'Like' a page simply with a keyboard shortcut - thus whatever page I find as cool Self-support, simply being able to add it to my Stumbleupon profile's collection.

Sometimes Stumbleupon just marks it as 'Liked' and adds it immediately but sometimes it loads a pop-up for clarifying that the page is safe for work, can be tagged, give a quote and more info about it.

Then a pop-up page appears where this can be set up and it recently changed, thus it does not load almost immediately, but mostly in 2-3 seconds. Also after filling the form when I send it - it also takes 1-3 seconds to send it and I have to wait while if I click away it cancels sending thus I literally have to stop doing anything.

Initially when this change happened and I tried to add a page to my SU. collection, I've had this reaction like 'holy shit, how long I have to wait' - and after that I've wrote my previous blog post.

I mean I was so impatient, that I've felt like losing my life on needing to wait for 2 seconds! Because in my mind I've defined this as a simple gesture when added to a keyboard shortcut, that is why those shortcuts exist, right? I just press and the machine gets it and then I am already 'on' my next moment.

But obviously many things happen meanwhile as it's in sync with my SU profile, checks the site itself, loads the form of extra questions, sends it, sends reply - being a programmer I KNOW that it takes a lot to manage something like this, especially in a multi-million-user system, like Stumbleupon.

So about this I almost started to form a judgement as a point of frustration - and then as writing all of these blog posts - I was able to slow down and stop for a moment and take a breath. It's just that - and the page's loaded.

And then I've realized what I've wrote about previously - it is always one breath to let it all go and be here, just be and remain here.

And we can be always one breath away from HERE, but sometimes to get here it's obviously a process, cannot be forced or just be changed in one moment within behavior, chain-reactions of automated, self-defined judgements we feel as it is who we are, but within walking Process one moment another, in a sense it is Self Here already walking and that is the most profound thing a human can achieve: to change and direct oneself one breath at a time and walk through the self-created mind-limitations unconditionally.

Within this it's to acknowledge that each written word about our mind, our relationship with our mind, behavior, the reactions, the realizations, the points needing to understand more, to see it before going into the same patterns, to stabilize, to slow down, to feel the presence - these all accumulate into a more aware, more present, more responsible human being to be able to direct ourselves to become.

I see that by writing this, I have the opportunity to forge this realization into practical ability to remain here and consistent within effective and present breathing to prevent myself going into reaction and at the same time to be able to intimately see what is the reason I am going into reaction and behind the layers there is always judgement, fear which is not necessary and in fact the opposite of real support for effective solution.

And the tendency within my mind to re-create and evolve existing patterns can still surprise me sometimes for instance when activating the Stumbleupon keyboard shortcut and coming this impatience reaction and within that automatically saying to myself: 'patience mode, breath' - and to realize it is already of a pattern which is in fact not absolute self-honesty, because there is still a reason, a condition, thus not self here is expressing but again: leaning on and hiding behind a condition, a rule, a judgement, separation, pattern and for that there is Self-honesty as a compass to then engage myself more within specifying the understanding for why I still do not remain here unconditionally, what is the reason, the memory, the self-definition that I still rely on more than absolute self-trust.

And for that the Desteni group, study material, the online courses and EQAFE lectures are the key support - to understand my creation and within that grasping the whole existence's creation and thus to be able to effectively walk through the layers of the mind consciousness system, which is indeed vast, but not infinite, difficult, yet the process, as Self is: simplicity.

Thus I specify and continue walking through the layers of the mind - also I still walk the DIP Agreement Course which is really a cornerstone of my self-support currently, thus I really suggest to check it out and dare to walk.

So - with the Stumbleupon point I wanted to give a practical example, which I will continue to walk with Self-forgiveness along with another point which is emerging recently.

When and as I sit in front of a computer I see/realize/understand that I have allowed myself to automatize my behavior, give permission my mind to react to self-defined conditions with positive and negative energy and allowing to accumulate into physical feelings, moods, tension and accepting those and not questioning, stopping and changing myself about those because that leads to inconsistency, impatience, tiredness.

When and as I sit down in front of a computer I stop defining myself and my attitude according to the computer's speed, capacity, responsiveness by realizing that I decide when to react to what within considering what supports me within self-honesty.

When and as I experience that the computer is slow, not responding, the browser, applications are not loading immediately, I breathe, I simply am here and remain undefined - I see/realize/understand that I am capable of deciding what I am going to do with the computer and once I decided it, it does not matter how slow it's going to take - I remain here, breathing, consistent, unwavering meanwhile directing myself and the computer - and if meanwhile it would take that much time what would not be common sense to wait, then I act accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware the point of self-acceptance and self-defeat within that not being able to decide when it is too much time to wait or embrace the computer's/internet's speed while doing something with it but defining rules and conditions to when and what to react and defining the accumulation of these reactions as frustration and when it would come defining it that it is not cool and then defining my relationship with this not-cool-ness to THEN do something about it and focusing to these reactions completely losing perspective and forgetting the fact that in fact I am not directing myself, I am not present, not here and also that I allow these self-defined reactions to tell me when it is too much, when I am being frustrated, when I should do something practical about the fact that it takes too much time to wait for the computer.

This is important - because in fact within self-honest walking with self-forgiveness it is clear that I've decided to accept each and every single reaction to become automatic and thus allow myself to be compromised by actually creating reactions what are not supporting, diverting my attention from the actual solution and becoming unstable, creating friction and making myself tired.

And the solution can be sometimes just accept that 2 seconds to wait when clicking - or when working with videos I face extreme amount of lag sometimes as it does what I do - mostly complex multi-layered hd-animations - and finding more effective, smart, doable workflows without reacting with so much unnecessary frustrations.

Also the solution can be realized also that I would need a better computer, a faster internet, if that's possible and then to consider how to manage that - another whole scenario can open up, for instance financial considerations - to find out how much it would cost to upgrade and if I can have money for that - is there any reactions in my mind on spending the required amount? If there is no enough money, how I could have such amount and what I would require to do and meanwhile be aware of what is the priority here.

I mean to actually do something in this reality it is mostly being able to work with limitations without being limited - which can also be judged as obstacles, something to resist to realize, face, overcome, solve - and also can be seen as challenge, fascination, like what I am going to face and realize about myself meanwhile walking this challenge, for instance within this to prioritize how to upgrade my computer and meanwhile not become frustrated but be able to be effective within it's usage.

Anything can be possible and everything can be compromised in the mind but one thing is certain - if there are reactions automatically, frustration, energies, instability, then we are not the directive principle but accumulation of self-acceptance, self-defeat, self-dishonesty, thus to walk through those also an accumulation is required: of self-direction, self-stability and self-honesty.

I write this meanwhile the computer renders a frame of a 15 seconds of animation in ten seconds, thus for sure it takes time but meanwhile I walk through the conflicts of the mind and remain here, directive, stable.

I will continue with more specific self-correction, self-forgiveness and self-commitment on preventing to react with the mind but instead of remain here, directive and breathing.

Monday, October 6, 2014

[JTL Day 205] Tiredness vs Awareness part 5 - impatience

Continuing with on the point of tiredness...
...and as self-correction I planned to walk here in this next post, there is something what is coming up as related and relevant point to forgive myself about first to become aware exactly the patterns what are self-dishonest and I still accept and allow myself to participate within.

So, before the actual self-correction I bring in another dimension, which is: patience.

I find it relevant as recently started to see/realize/understand a very interesting point about tiredness versus impatience.

Whenever I am becoming impatient, I lose my balance, I lose my presence, I lose my consistency, I am not motivated anymore - not to what I was before, thus I am going into the same pattern as before - reacting, judging, more focusing to what I do not like and my thoughts, emotions about how and why I do not like it, rather than simply stopping myself reacting, preventing the situation which I find not supporting.

It is interesting because as I am losing my presence by giving permission to my habits to react and judge I am becoming tired very soon.

There is also a point wherein I can start to lie to myself about it is now patience when in fact it is acceptance and allowance of something what is not self-supportive - only way to come out within absolute clarity is self-honesty - which if it's not obviously consistently here - then I am most likely not sure, because I am not that intimate, present, open with myself to be aware of what is in fact self-honestly the best for me and others around me equally.

Thus it is always simple, but as I engage walking through the layers of the mind it can be pretty soon quite complicated, multidimensional, many points link and point to each other and the whole rule-matrix in my personality can be triggered and reacted to automatically.

However Self-honesty is always the most simple and direct way to reveal what I am accepting and allowing which is not best for me and all and thus to express the common sense to stop that - stopping myself doing that without any other, new con, complicated logic or reasoning.

I am simplicity, I am breath, I am life, I am expression.

More and more time I am allowing myself to give myself a piece of patience so to speak.

As I am slowing down within myself, attuning my mind, beingness breath by breath to the pace of my human physical body - what I have realized is that the difference between patience and impatience is always about one breath.

FASCINATING, isn't it? Whenever I am losing my temper, feel my blood boiling, my nerve to electrify with this anxious, angry, frustrated expression - I simply breath.

It seems quite tricky, I was 'planning it' since a decade - however what I've found is that once I walk the specific Self-forgiveness statements, to open up, as writing down the exact words, reactions, thoughts, emotions, patterns - I bring it down into physical time-space - word by word as I write the letters, words, sentences - I am slowing down, and thus I am allowing myself to really see/realize/understand what words I consist of and react to and why.

And it's like a map I draw - the many curvy and complicated paths I carved into my mind as my personality, habits, through memories, definitions, preferences, desires, fears, limitations, points of positive, negative - these are quite determining and as much each human is striving towards freedom - this is the exact opposite what we result with.

When I forgive the point of losing my temper because of the computer is slow, not responding - typical point, I am sure most of the humans can very much relate -

"This f*** computer is so slow", "The webpage does not load", "I am wasting time", "I am spending my life staring progress bars", "Crashes the moth****"...

And it builds up - I am aware, when I am not traveling and not being behind the camera I am using computers - same with phones, tablets, any machinery, anything!

Just like we have a plan, wanting to do, an intent, and when it does not work, we lose our temper, getting dragged down by the slowness, the experience of lack of energy, tiredness is coming.

It is to observe our human physical body - the breathing, the posture, the muscles, the inner state of ourselves. It seems also tricky as being busy, having to do complicated work, listening orders from others, needing to quickly make responsible decisions and executing those etc.

But if one starts walking Desteni I Process online courses - can step by step understand what is going on within our mind, what is that what makes us react, what is that I am becoming anxious, mostly me is the 'time being wasted while waiting for the machine to do what I order to it'.

And one simple point I suggest - in this time: BREATHE - take a breath, re-align with self-presence, self-direction, empty our mind and just be with ourselves.

Come on, it's just some seconds mostly anyway - what it is that why we can not enjoy ourselves 'alone' for a moment - the machine has to be waited for, so what?

Same with a little child - if the child walks, does things slowly, is it really cool to become anxious, angry, because they need a bit more time?

I am not saying the machine must be slow and it is alright - absolutely not - but if I do accept MYSELF to become anxious, frustrated, angry, because of a computer - then obviously not the machine is responsible for myself losing myself and go into predictable, always the same energetic reaction, which does not support me, others or anything.

For me also it was the self-judgement of 'I can not do anything' - if the machine loads - I felt like I am the slave of my decision to wait for the computer, no matter how slow it is - and while I judge how slow it is, I accumulate frustration, I compound anger.

And in relation to computer, it's speed, my lack of capacity to use it but in fact I am becoming frustrated because of the fact that I am automatically giving up my presence, myself in that moment - that is also really frustrating to acknowledge that I am compromised, diminished and the most relevant point is that 'with my own consent' - that also can be frustrating to realize and more frustrating to not do anything about it.

So it is really serious and it is also depending on how much pressure one 'gets', like angry boss, deadline, financial risk, influencing others if not being able to do it etc - but after all - who I am in this very moment is in fact who I really accept myself to be and exist as.

In regarding to tiredness - it is a pattern existing within me to become anxious, frustrated because of impatience and then going into reactions which makes me feel more energetic first and then when it's over, it's like sugar-rush - drags me down.

And stable, consistent expression always felt for me as wrong, dull, normal, ordinary, mortal etc - and I've defined energy, intensity, diversity, polarity, waving as more interesting, more me - which was not self-honest - it was self-definition excuse to justify why I am in fact not existing but as reaction patterns. The self-identification with energy, intensity, positive, negative - was in fact the only consistent I've manifested myself to be without my presence, my direction, my stability.

This whole cycle to participate within all the time also can manifest layers of tiredness of accumulated self-defeat, lack of self-motivation which should be written down, forgiven through and committed to stop one by one, breath by breath.

And if anything coming up in relation to this decision to stop - it is also a pattern and should be investigated, forgiven, committed to stop - fascinating!

If I want to stop procrastinating but what coming up first is 'I do not have enough time' - then I should walk through that idea in my mind of 'not having enough time, why and how I experience that' and to realize it is just an experience.

When I am present, breathing, directive - there is no tiredness, there is no impatience.

Let's walk Self-forgiveness in regards to tiredness and impatience specifically my living days currently.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I am becoming impatient - I am giving into an automatic self-accepted reaction for a reason as giving up into self-defeat and losing myself, defining it bad, defining my powerlessness for what I react to as being impatient and also for what I accept and allow within and as myself how I react without be able to realize how and why I do so and within that to be able to prevent and stop myself participating within it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that becoming angry/frustrated/impatient is not supporting for a practical solution, but rather I focus to my reaction, for my giving up for accepting myself as powerless yet not liking it instead of simply being aware of the point I do not enjoy and remain here, present, directive and find practical ways to not give any excuse for losing my stability here and within that in fact myself.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that I have a choice before going into impatience, anger, energy surge of frustration, powerlessness, which is not react with the same patterns but remain here, remain within breath, presence, physical awareness and if I do not see the opportunity, the practical ability for this choice to make and live by - it is because the accumulation of self-acceptance within the consent of giving my mind the direction, automation by a belief that it is also me, it is who I really am and it is who I define myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized/understood the simple common sense of applying self-forgiveness of the points I've allowed and accepted myself to become aware my responsibility for what I am and be aware how and why exactly I am reacting to assist and support myself to recognise the external/internal patterns/circumstances/conditions what makes me react the way it is I've already realized it is not as living my utmost potential within absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-forgiveness is the awareness of life if I am becoming responsible for my actions and the consequences of them as who I am and thus defining relationships and reasons for why I have to apply or why I do not have to apply it as myself undefined, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the consequences of what I have not allowed myself to forgive to myself, to others and to all of existence to live the interest of me, the interest of self, the interest of my mind and hiding behind it, hiding behind myself while not realizing that I am constantly manifesting consequences in reality, whether I am aware of them or not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see-realize-understand that if I resist responsibility for myself and for my existence, I am hiding in a bubble of conditioned mind consciousness system which will inevitably burst and then I will face myself anyway but the consequences are accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I am going into tiredness when I wake up in the morning, because of the specific reasons I allow myself to define myself in relation to tiredness such as how many hours I've slept, how I've slept, what I did before sleep, what I did not do before sleep and also very relevantly: what I am going to do today when I wake up and what is my experience already in regards to this very day, the things I am going to face, do and if there is any judgment, worry, fear, desire, thought, emotion,friction it is to realize I am going into judgment, separation, the mind which with I eventually can persuade myself of being: TIRED.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand how my mind and body is interconnected and stand as equal and one because of the extent of self-accepted separation of my beingness, my mind, my body and thus not be aware of how I am making the body being tired while participating in the mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that thinking only can make me more energetic, awaken, fresh when I react to the thoughts and that reaction is also the mind and thus showing to me that who I define myself to be is in fact the mind, thus not being stable but always of relationships, polarities, reactions, energies and not be aware of that all of this energy is coming from the body, making the body exhausted, tired, abused while in my mind only considering about energies which is not physical and thus not being in an intimate, present, equal and one relationship with my own human physical body to be aware of what makes it exhausted, dragged down such as thinking, desires, fears, energies and be self-honest about stopping these patterns - use common sense on how to stop these patterns.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am always one breath 'away' from prevent myself going into impatience, tiredness, losing myself here and it is because I've defined importance into the mind instead of presence, physical, direct vulnerability here and not realizing why to be able to prevent myself to do so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually decide and do what it takes to really slow down within the activities I do each day by investigating, sitting down, writing out what I do and why to be able to see myself as I am, not judged, not defined, not feared, desired or stimulated.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can absolutely walk through each trigger point of impatience within my life with self-forgiveness/self-correction/self-commitment and if I do not apply it as solution as myself - I am not self-honest thus it is common sense to apply self-forgiveness for the self-accepted reasons for why not being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand what it is making me react with tiredness/sleepiness at my workplace because always reacting, not breathing presently and thus not seeing that because what I actually do or do not do - I already have judgement about it and reacting to it drags me away and existing in the mind is already manifesting tiredness as for to be able to be in my mind so to speak I need energy to generate/react to which comes from friction, which comes from the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient, frustrated, angry when the computer is not responding immediately, defining myself as wasting time, needing to wait and not see-realize, understand that I can simply breathe and be comfortable with myself waiting for a moment and simply be without the need for judging the scenario as bad, projecting out the anger to computer, others while in fact being angry at myself for losing myself thus looping myself within unnecessary cycle and becoming tired of being the same pattern, of being powerless and not being stable.

I will continue with more specific self-forgiveness and self-correction.