personality of the mind, the thought patterns, the energetic dynamics of consciousness systems of what one is accepting self to exist within and as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to tiredness, as tiredness, as 'I am tired' and meaning it as in and as my mind feel this experience of not having enough energy, feeling lack of energy, feeling difficult to focus, remain present, effective, directive and defining it as a trigger point for getting energy, getting energized.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a dictionary in my mind ready to be triggered about the categories, experiences, situations in regarding to tiredness and whenever having the thought of 'I am tired' - automatically believing it as truth, reality, fact and not being aware that it is just a thought, a self-definition sentence with the word tiredness, and if I use it as how I am, I am becoming my thought without questioning it with 'Am I really tired or just I defined myself to be tired and then believed in it and then feeling as tired and thus then becoming tired?'.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tiredness I define myself to be can also be accumulation of self-judgement for self-acceptance for instance 'I am being tired of this shit' - indicating that I accept something what I do not prefer yet not doing anything about it and that to acknowledge, accept as well also making me tired - in fact being tired of who I accept myself to be as not acting, accepting yet judging, reacting, as if I were not responsible for what is in my reality, as who I experience myself to be in regards to being tired of something, meaning tired of my own dishonesty to accept towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define many things as making me tired and having memories, references about what exactly makes me tired in what amount of time and regardless of physical, mental tiredness in fact - when the rule is being triggered, the thoughts of tiredness, the symptoms, the lack of energy as tiredness would come up and I would accept it unconditionally, because who I've defined myself to be is the personality,memory,word-matrix in my mind what is already programmed to react with specific energetic or lack of energetic experiences and that I've given permission to influence, direct who I am within my physical, mental beingness.
I forgive myself that I have never considered that when I am not present, because being busy thinking in my mind, daydreaming, visualizing without being present, not being aware of my human physical body, when reacting with emotions, feelings, when focusing to the energetic waves, movements, flows in and as my body, while I am not breathing effectively with and as my human physical body, but suppressing the full abdominal breathing with a less deep, shallow breathing - I am not allowing my body to be effective, thus that actually can result within tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be present to a degree in and as my human physical body to see/realize/understand what physical poses, actions I do while thinking/daydreaming/automatically behaving while being in and as the mind as starting point, which actions make my human physical body becoming tired without me being aware of it, because I am not IN AND AS the body, just about, around, and over my body as consciousness, which I thought previously as cool and never realizing the fact that it is self-separation, self-dishonesty, self-limitation, because the body is who I really am, the body is the source of my beingness and the body is the real, physical me only, thus perceiving myself separate/part of it actually I am deliberately dis-empowering myself from being here.
I forgive myself that I have not understood how exactly dis-empowering myself when separating myself from my human physical body with believing I am of mind, of consciousness and who I perceive myself to be is this spirit, soul, thinking, feeling, emotionally reacting being, meanwhile as never investigated really, fully, self-honestly the facts here, not being aware of that all of my mind/consciousness energy is coming from the human physical body and thus being dependent on the body, being a leech of the body and if I define myself as dependent on my body, I identify myself with consciousness, I am separate from the body, I am separate from my only real part in this existence with the mind's operation, which is also in fact physical, thus who I perceive myself to be is totally separated and thus powerless from here simply because of always needing energy to move, always in polarities, while the physical body is simply living here.
I forgive myself that I have never realized that in my mind I can only be tired because of lack of energy as the mind, the consciousness, the self-delusion of who I am meanwhile when the body is exhausted, it can eat and drink and rest and will be rested, while the mind always needs energy, of positive and negative, to judge, to create energy, friction, conflict, which in fact comes from the human physical body and thus in fact when I am being energized to not being tired in the mind, it is always taking from the body to the mind consciousness system who I've allowed myself to identify myself with.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that tiredness is just an idea/belief in my mind of the mind, and if I identify myself with it, then I am becoming it, as it is just the sign of the mind consciousness to say 'I need energy otherwise I can't operate' which with I've identified myself with because it is the system always telling me who I am, what I am, what I must do, who I must be, what is going on and what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and within all this not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is all for not directly experience and be in real reality, because then I would be aware of all the consequences I've accumulated since my participation within existence and within that realizing the responsibility for what I accepted and allowed to manifest in this world wherein separation, abuse, neglect, destruction and extermination is constantly happening because I've defined myself as not enough to stand up for being able to change myself, change the world, but rather defining tiredness as who I am and by experiencing that feeling and behaving as not powerful enough to stop myself, the world of abuse.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within accepting myself as being the puppet of the layers of unconscious/subconscious/conscious mind manifestations in fact why I am experiencing tiredness already and also by accepting the patterns/programs/thoughts/feelings/emotions appearing within me what I take attention to, focus to, react to, listen to, to a degree of physical action by believing this is who I am and this is what I must do - and when tiredness is kicking in - using these layers of the mind to come up with something to react to, to have a friction about with the polarity judgements to generate energy with that conflict to use that energy, positive or negative or neutral to rejuvenate the mind to make it powerful enough to keep up with the constant self-image and reality-likeness delusion to perceive as reality.
I forgive myself that I have not realized and never actually really applied the fact that when I am breathing here, nothing of thoughts, feelings, emotions, just breathing here - this is who I am, that is who I can ever be and that is the most I can have in terms of being here, and if I skip a breath with following any thoughts instead - or 'slicing up' inner silence with the thoughts listening to as 'I am tired' - it is not really who I am, it is the consciousness mind system is talking and I, as an inner silent breathing physical being identifying myself with this, thus giving permission to have it's limitation, imprisonment, enslavement as well with the self-identification of energy, tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have never realized the solution to let all thoughts go and instead of 'think who I am' - actually learn to 'know who I am' and live that realization as the 'Living words' and liberating myself from the mind consciousness system breath by breath until it is done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware here in and as my physical body experience, expression to see that actually the mind is only fast, faster than I can follow, when I am disregarding my breath here, my inner silence here, even with this 'inner silence' expression indicating that there is something what is talking, noising, which is in fact not directly me, but as a reflection, a mirror-mechanism, a tool which is equal and one reflecting back to me constantly what it is what I am accepting and allowing myself to be equal and one with and as - thoughts, judgements, point of self-dishonesty manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions wherein the separation I perceive and act according to in the starting point of fear - fear of change, fear of loss, fear of fear, fear of self.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I experience tiredness - there is a friction within my mind - and that friction creates energy which creates the experience of tiredness which is not real, and if I participate within it, I am also not real in terms of starting point, deluding myself, acting according to this delusion, I am manifesting real consequences with this delusion.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I define tiredness in any way whatsoever, I am creating the experience of tiredness, I am limiting myself to be programmed by myself and when having that experience, believing it as real, thus here as: tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically boost myself with specific drinks/foods/substances to beat tiredness by defining what it is with I am being less tired, what it is what gives me energy and not realizing what I accept and allow and what I participate within my mind and realizing that how adds into the idea and experience of tiredness and actually stop that, preventing myself to react and think, and self-define myself the same way over and over and over again by investigating, knowing, learning myself when and how exactly, specifically I would go into the think/self-define/react with tiredness and breathe without inner movement, act, remain here in the physical and re-align myself with constant presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an excuse of not transcending tiredness in the mind with thinking that 'tiredness is physical, everybody becomes tired, it is normal, after lot of work, tiredness is inevitable'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the body only requires resting only for maximum of 6 hours and beyond that the mind consciousness system is rejuvenating, not necessary and any reaction to this point is of the mind, which is of excuse and justification for escape from reality - because of the experience of sleeping more than 6 hours or the perceived tiredness in the mind to manipulate with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of when I am acting in and as the mind, as the starting point of the mind as survive, fight, strive, separated from my body, reality here and not realize/understand/see that who I really am is simplicity - in and as the physical here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop participate in the mind when I lose physical awareness, presence, principle, responsibility, direction, self-expression here because of:
- what I just did was enough to get/feel tired of
- what I actually do/experience I am within is exhausting
- I slept long time ago thus I must be tired anyway
- I did not eat/drink since a while thus I must be tired
I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I listen to thoughts, to feelings, emotions and react to those, give attention to - I am giving permission to the consent of I am unable to be directly here always unconditionally, because at certain conditions - I need stimulation to influence/tell/direct me what to do - in this scenario - about the idea and definition of tiredness and exhaustion.
I forgive myself that I have never realized the present opportunity, simplicity, direct availability of just be - without thoughts, feelings, emotions - without fear, desire and rules, reactions, definitions to handle my expression and to be able to deal with physical/mental fatigue, exhaustion as simple as it is, being, living simplicity as who I can be here directly, undefined, breath by breath as the decision and the expression of absolute self-trust.
As currently having a flu - I face this point - regardless of sleeping and resting - I can have this exhaustion and lack of energy and within this I am realizing a lot, what with this will be continued within the next post...