[JTL Day 224] Decomposing the strive for CONTROL

Home fields

I continue with my personality decomposition, this time choosing the word: CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want control, to have control, believing because otherwise I have nothing against fear and pain, meaning fearing from losing the ability of avoiding pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always choose the options what gives me the perception of I am in control about something, someone, or myself, because otherwise I could fall into my mind's temptation of constantly bombing me with possible scenarios of what could happen for then all of those I rather have control, because then I can avoid facing my fear, which is losing myself within pain, within time, meaning wasting my time, wasting my life on not being able to do what I want, what I am, who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all the stability I've gained and perceive and experience is because I feel I have control over me, over my situations, over my existence and not realizing that it is a facade, not real, but as long as I experience myself being in control, convinced that I did all I could, there is still statistically a percentage of 'happening' what I want, then I feel that everything is in control, therefore I am in balance, I am alright, I am here, I am 'at peace' with me and the 'universe' and not realizing that it is like walking on the edge of a razor, because it's all in my mind which is never stable, thus I am also not stable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within releasing the desire for control, the fear from not having control specifically by each and every single one of currently upcoming fears, so to speak 'systematically' and deal with them with the starting point of 'facing, opening, understanding, forgiving, re-defining, stopping, changing' the point as me as equal as one until it's done, gone, I am here, unified with no more reacting or fearing in any way whatsoever to that one particular point and then directing myself to the next point until I am here, undefined, fearless.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense and the most direct and simplest solution as to understand the need for control and what I fear from losing or facing or experiencing and never getting to the point to clearly see/realize/understand the fact that wherever, whenever I 'control' - it is of separation, based on a polarity, the mind, definition, energy, fear and not unification, based on equality and oneness, the physical, self.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the con word within con-trol and acknowledging that it is of consciousness systems, of separation, of fear, which I justified with that it is what I need, what I have to have in order to survive, to have, to express, to live, meanwhile in fact it is the obvious sign that my starting point is of and as fear, energy, which will not last, thus who I defined myself to be, who I perceive myself to be also will be gone as the same way as it has been created and thus the solution is to dig out/become intimate with myself to the extent of understanding why in the first place I wanted to control in order to realize the separation I've accepted with that particular aspect of self, what I wanted to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the master of control, meaning not being the slave of control, which was a fear in my early days that I am being controlled by others, my family, my school, the system because I could not get or have what I wanted simply, but I had to comply, to follow the rules, to obey, to accept external control within my life, telling me who I must be, how I must be in order to get what I wanted, such as time, space, money to be able to express myself, to be able to create myself, to be able to live which then I accepted and thus became and identified myself with the apparent 'game of life' as 'game of control' and within that became the system as who I am as consciousness as con-troll.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that who wants total control is in fear, which can be understood, but I've focused only to the subject of the act of control, which by I defined 'power' and by the polarity of that definition having the reaction of 'worthy' or 'unworthy' of my attention, which then I've accepted as automatic personality-brick in my mind as defining who I am in terms of a certain activity, a certain possession of material can have a value which then can be a measure of power, such as physical force, physical matter, so defining value according to things in this world, what with one can have control over matter, over others or even themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that at a certain point within my life I concluded that I do not have power over others - yet but wanted and also the same with the physical existence, so I decided to take control over me so to speak, meaning learning how to be able to really do what I want and not experience any resistance or limitation once I've decided to do something and when actually trying this out and really facing resistances from within and self-limitations then defining who I am as somebody who has the goal to walk through all resistances and self-limitation within himself to be able to have absolute control over himself and thus opening the gate up to grasp control of others and all of existence, which then I've never really bothered to acknowledge, because I've defined that I am at the beginning of this path, and when I am perfectly controlling myself, then I would have the time and opportunity to see my relationship with control and all the while not realizing that the starting point for all of the control in the world was because of a fear, fear of not being able to control myself and thus existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how this starting point of control determined the development of my personality, my mind, my very physical beingness, expression and who I am today and not being self-honest with myself in terms of really seeing that it's all based on a fear, which then I've inflated and systematized, layered up and managed to build up a perception of who I am and what is 'me' and what I want and why I want it without stopping for a moment and question all of this with common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within all the personality-development I could not include all others within the 'equation of control', so I've injected others as the whole process of finding myself, my control over myself and existence is not for me, but also for all others, because once I would be in full control of me, then I would not have any goal anymore but consider others as well, but for that, at first, I have to focus on me, only me, me, me, me.

Home garden

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the more I focus to my fear, the more I want control, and the more I want control, the more I justify to accept my fear and do according to that starting point to avoid, while not realizing that in fact by that I create what I fear from, I manifest what I resist, I face what I separate from myself until the inevitable point of realization of who I've accepted myself to manifest as which then I have to take responsibility for to unify and solve, meaning to stop the perception of separation and realize the fact that I am one with and as life with all of existence as equal, wherein no matter what I do, there is always consequence, thus to perceive, to express myself only considering me, I create separation, friction, which then I would fear facing and wanting to have control over to be able to exclude from my life and never realizing that if anybody else would face that consequence of my fear, then it is still them, as life as me, so in fact I abuse me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware what exactly I've did in order to have the experience of having control in my life, such as gathering knowledge, learning, studying, practicing, experimenting to be able to have definitions, rules, laws, regulations, memories, images to always be ready in my mind to be able to explain everything, to 'box in' everything, to always be able to feel like 'known' about things, because then there would be some information which by I would know or possibly guess what is going on, what I should do to remain stable, to remain effective, to be able to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the human civilization's law system of what I can or can't do, the belief systems of what is the meaning, purpose, sense of my human existence, what is good, what is bad for me or others and never questioning it, even when by exploring the human world system realizing that within different countries, cultures, there are different laws, belief systems of who we are, where do we came from, where are we going, and always trying to get that answer from outside of me, because if I would find something what is like similar to what I feel, who I want then I would be more control over me, because then there would be a relation with this world, and then I could use that relationship to stabilize and trust within my convictions about who I am and what I should do or what the things really are what I experience in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have a reason, a conscience in my mind of what I do and why in order to have a certainty, a stability, a sense of direction to what I do and who I am, so then I never 'run out' of reasons, so then I would never stop to feel that I am clueless, goalless, out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that without control I am an animal, an instinct-machine, an organic robot which then goes back to the programming of ancestors, the biology, the survival, the pure self-interest, which from I wanted to protect myself and others in the fear of if I would not have control, I would simply get what I want regardless of others, regardless of respect for life or dignity, which then I would not like because then that would mean losing another layer of control, which is for ensuring that I am 'good'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to understand my desires and fears and how those are related and in fact built upon the experience of pain and the goal for avoidance of fear and within that defining the ultimate goal such as 'love' which then would mean that when I love, then I am good, when I hate, I am bad, and then believing this as golden rule regardless of anything, any reason, common sense, logic, because if then anyone could persuade me that love is not good, then I would become negative, and within this not seeing that I completely given my mind, my self-definitions permission to tell me who I am what I must do and how I must feel, regardless of anything else but of thoughts, feelings, emotions, which then I've defined as much as me as my physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop to the extent that all thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, rules, definitions, knowledge, laws, reactions would stop within me and I would just be, simply be, without any definition, here, as the physical and explore what is here, who I am without any definition, any conviction, any control, any belief, desire or fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed to accept myself who I am in this moment simply as who I am and always wanting to be in motion in my mind, to always generate energy, reaction, to have a plan, conviction, to be prepared, always ready to explain, to make sense, to use what I have known and trust within these and not realizing the sobering fact that in the very moment I rely on any of these, of any thought, feeling, emotion, I am compromised, given up, diminished as myself, as here, as simplicity, as whole, as present, as unified.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is a beingness, a sprout, a seed of life within and as me as who I am here as a human physical body living physical being, which for to open up, to grow, to expand, to really live, I must let go all of the consciousness I accepted and allowed to rely on to know, to experience, to behave, to express until I am here, completely naked in my mind, undefined, unified, equal and one with and as my human physical body without any need for or fear from control and be able to direct myself as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control everything around me and at certain situations, also others, because I don't trust in them and I don't trust that they could manage to do what I want or what I don't want and also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control people because believing that what I want from them doing or not doing is important so whatever is important to me I want to ensure that it will be the way I want otherwise I would not feel good, certain, because that would mean what I planned do not happen which means I wasted time on planning and also why I planned will fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control everything because of fear of failure, fear of losing opportunity and chance, resource, time and within that losing myself, because by time I will get old and also die so I must be specific and effective and the more I feel I am not directing the situation the more I feel I need to control it and not realizing that control is always of separation, fear, while direction is the equal and one relationship I should find and realize and express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control where I live by always being able to do what I want and no one should tell me what I should do otherwise I would fear that not I am in control but I am controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist things and others and communication when I feel that I am being controlled and that would make me feel uncomfortable and not wanting to do it because that I would define as not me in control, thus I am losing, I am lost, I am wasting resource and time.

Violet Valley

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotions based on someone's expression and by that emotion moving/acting/behaving a certain way because within that moment feeling and defining that I am being controlled and becoming angry and within that not realizing that if I totally focus on that anger reaction, meanwhile I do not see where it comes from and why I grow it and from a point I simply want to exert it, become it and then the other person would experience it and would believe that I make her/him angry, meanwhile I know that I am making myself angry for what I accept and allow instead of stopping and always re-assessing, reconsidering, re-adjusting my stance, starting point in order to be able to take self-direction with the point as myself here without emotional reaction, without need for control, without fear from not being able to control, without the fear of losing time, myself simply realizing that also the consequence of manifesting the fear of losing time and myself is also an emotional reaction which by in fact I am wasting more time while being absolutely ineffective, so I immediately, unconditionally stop, breathe here and say no more self-acceptance of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to trust others when I do not trust myself and within that wanting others to be able to do things for me, with me, even when I did not explained to them what I want why I want but only wanting the outcome to happen which is not practical and quite impossible, because the other person do not really know what I want, expect yet still allowing myself to give permission to my mind to be frustrated about it instead of simply realizing where exactly and how I have to open up communication, direction to re-align the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can stop controlling trust based on cons and conditions, rather directing myself and my trust with common sense and thus not needing to worry for giving away my trust to somewhere where I can't expect to have and also realizing that real self-trust which is the foundation of myself, my expression, my being here can not be projected out, conditioned, therefore if in any moment I see that I lose trusting myself based on a condition, an experience, an event, then it is my immediate responsibility to sort that out, understand how I've created that and absolutely stopping participating within and living the change that I do trust myself and within that moment seeing what with I don't and then I continue stopping all doubt and also realizing what are the points/aspects of myself what I can trust and what are which at the moment should not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map out myself, my mind, my reactions, my desires, my fears, my trust, my doubt specifically to be able to exactly see what I can and can not trust and what with I can expand my trust or what is with I can't and seeing the reason and considering shall/can I change that and then deciding it and living that decision until I am trust unconditionally.

to be continued with specifying the origin and source points of the accepted patterns of control in my life what are based on self-dishonesty to be able to stop before participating and start trusting myself directly

[JTL Day 223] Decomposing Fear of Pain

Eclipse 2015 March

I continue with the personality decomposition from my last post:

• [JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

The point from where I continue is the state when I feel uncomfortable, pain. Recently I had a taste of it, almost all day I had a headache. I rarely have headaches, but when I do, I experience myself quite differently, mostly notable that my 'sphere of awareness' is extremely reduced, which itself makes me react already like a 'caged animal', because I got used to the experience of actively and passively noticing things around me, which gives the 'feel' of I can have options, not just 'sliding through an experience-tube' by constantly reacting things without seeing ahead.
So it's a wakefulness, a sort of alertness I 'normally' 'have'/'do', which as I see, has a part of personality and has a part of natural self-expression, which if I 'lose', I am less 'comfortable' already and the reason I write about it here is exactly the decomposition and self-honest realization of need for correction, re-alignment as it's based on fear, separation, self-interest.

I do not feel comfortable while being defined, automatically boxed into states/reactions, even if it's coming from within, because it's not practical - the moment is always blooming absolutely uniquely within each breath, so by self-automation I actually compromise myself based on a self-definition, a conviction, an idea or a fear, which the more I accepted in the past, the more I allow to be part of me without questioning, without being able to see/realize/understand it/me and be able to stop, change.

So as I wrote about energy, seriousness and personality, fear - here I add another word-dimension: PAIN.

When I do experience pain, I have the tendency to become much less open, present and my personality gets a goal to ensure to minimize and stop the pain to be able to return to the state of wakefulness.

But what are the points behind my personalities what has been defined/formed and shaped who I am today according to pain?

I walk Self-forgiveness to explore the self-definitions I've accepted to consist of to see what I have to understand/stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my goal, reason and purpose to stop and avoid experiencing pain, because defining that pain is bad, pain is changing me, pain is ruining me, pain is destroying me by defining that it takes all my attention, energy to itself, feeling like demanding all my beingness to give into which I do not want to because feeling like losing myself, my time, my resources, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that when I experience pain, that it means something, when my human physical body experiences pain, it means a problem, which means requires attention and solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense to ask myself what is my pain actually means and why I experience it, what would be the common sense to do in order to assist/support myself when experiencing physical pain to heal/recover.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely up to me to define and act upon fear of who I am and what I am going to do and even when I am in pain - I am still here and my actions still have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something to be feared, avoided in all cost, even if it means to realize/expose something self-dishonest/delusional because of the fear of loss, fear of unknown, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that I fear from pain because of fear of change, because fearing that if I would have pain, I would have remain within pain and within the experience of pain I am accepting and allowing myself to be reactive, self-interested, the opposite of aware and being able to consider my environment, others, which is not necessary, just it is how I've accepted and allowed myself to define as a protection mechanism personality manifestation in case of pain and fear of pain, which I can open up, understand, stop and change within consideration of myself, solution and others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the experience of pain I would do something reckless, irresponsible to myself or to others what I would regret when the consequence could not be changed once I did it, therefore within the experience of pain I try to close down and suppress myself as much as possible to avoid harm and within that becoming afraid of acting irresponsibly which then I would use to fuel to be able to close myself down more and not realizing that by this the more I become automatic, reactive and in fact be able to take responsibility for myself and my surroundings and in fact be able to apply the common sense for actual solution to stop the pain and also to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately program myself, my personality, my reactions, my physical beingness to automatically choose to avoid pain, even when the pain is not great, long and rather choosing avoiding it than choosing common sense, which does not mean to abuse my human physical body, but for instance when necessary to work hard and it's consequence would be some pain to refuse it within the fear of pain and it's consequence without awareness, without consideration or common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions to always have right when it comes about to avoid pain, avoid situation of possibility for pain, and justify it with the reason of 'I should not feel pain and it is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically exclude others from my consideration when I experience pain with the justification of 'I have the right to disregard everything else but my pain and my reaction/strategy to apply for this pain' without any awareness of consequence and ability to apply common sense, overwritten by the self-automation I've defined who I am in reaction to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can remain here, present, self- and life-aware, within consideration of myself and others, consequences and manifestations even during the experience of pain, just first I should understand, decompose and stop my current personality definitions according to reactions to pain and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something within I lose myself, within what I do not feel myself, I can't experience myself but the pain itself and not realizing that within that moment what I automated myself to do is self-separation, trying to exclude myself from the pain, the experience by creating polarity in my mind, energetic experiences and within that not seeing that in fact I separate myself from myself and within that split I lose directive principle with/on/as myself and that losing I am completely aware of and that I feel like losing myself which I do not want and never realizing the common sense to embrace myself, embrace the pain.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being changed by pain then I am manifested in a way that in case of pain I will change and within fearing to lose myself who I am in regards to pain actually I manifest the experience of losing the self-definition about who I am in pain and all the while I am not fully myself but who I defined myself according to pain which was not real therefore who I act as in the meantime is also not who I really am but according to the fear and self-definition about pain, which is completely my creation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that according to the avoidance of pain, the fear of pain I've created myself and my starting point, my personality, my reactions, my actions only within the consideration of my own interest, which I believed who I am and not realizing that I actually am existing also within the rest as well just I've accepted and allowed myself to be completely occupied with my experience, my personality about to avoid and prevent my pain in the fear of losing who I am and not seeing/realizing/understanding that within the reaction to fear I am manifesting the actual losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I activate a personality within my mind to tell me how to behave, how to react, how to feel, how to act, I fear of pain, fear of losing myself within pain, and not realizing that within focusing to this experience and physical reaction to fear I create what I participate within, thus strengthening this fear, fear of pain, fear of fear to such extent that there is no other reason exists but to justify to avoid the fear and pain, even if it's not real, not related to the current scenario I am within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the thought/feeling/emotion process of convicting myself about how I react to fear, to pain and believing that I can't directly feel, experience, be this pain but needing to define/relate to/think/feel/have emotion about in order to process/to deal with because if I would absolutely and totally embrace it as this is who I am in this moment, I believed that I would lose myself or I would change to such an extent that I would again: lose myself and not realizing that what I can lose might not be me at all and within that who I perceive, think, define myself to be according to fear, pain, experiences, situations is not really who I am but what I created in order to deal with myself/what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually question and explore, realize and understand the origin of pain within my human physical body and my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how and when I abuse and exploit my own human physical body as life-source with the process of mind-activities and within that taking responsibility to stop the abuse of fueling mind consciousness systems within myself with the fear and my automatic reactions to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any resistance to face any fear is also a layer of self-definition of fear and it creates conflict within me which means energy, polarity, friction toward something I accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationship through and as consciousness systems based on words manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, images and never realizing that what I resist persists and the more I try to separate it from me here, the more I manifest it in and as this physical existence within the perception of separation but in fact I am always one and equal with all what is here as creator, creation and created within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to accept and allow systems within me separated from me being directly here is based on resistance, fear, which is of friction, conflict and the only way to take responsibility and become the directive principle of all who I am within and as existence is unification, embracing all who I am existing as today and stop participating within what is self-dishonest, based on fear, self-interest unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the practicality and common sense, effectiveness and directness of the writing/sounding/acting self-forgiveness in relation to all self-accepted relationships I exist and consist of to recognize all patterns of what is not self-honest, what is not supporting all life and simply stop participating one by one until I am free of any fear, any need of separation, any systems of self-definitions, any mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the process of application of self-forgiveness is the process of finding and expanding, manifesting and expressing unconditional self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the experience of pain I've allowed myself to be defined as the victim, prey, that I can't do anything about it so the best strategy against it is to prevent pain at all cost, even if it means to act upon this prevention at all cost, meaning only considering my interest of this prevention of pain.
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I commit myself to stop participate within any resistance toward pain, to accept any justification and excuse for why not to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, become in order to realize/see/understand the utmost responsibility I have within embracing, stopping, changing all what is here which is not as Life as who I am as equal as one.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand in every aspect of my breathing life that there is not a single consequence I can escape from in this existence thus the common sense is to face/embrace/unify myself with all what is here as who I am and stop the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions of self-dishonesty breath by breath within the accumulation of walking the Process of Application of Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to decompose all aspects of my manifested behavior which entails, contains, tainted, stimulated, influenced by fear of pain and realize that the fear from changing by facing, experiencing, embracing pain is futile within the fact that the more I separate myself from what I have allowed here in and as the physical, the more I lose directive principle thus unable to take responsibility to stop and change as myself as equal as one, therefore I commit myself to stop running and hiding from fear and within that from pain as realizing that who I am should not be defined or influenced by any fear therefore if I see it within me moving, reacting, I investigate, understand, forgive and stop myself as this self-definition, as this reaction until there is nothing here only the "I am here".

When and as I see a responsibility but I resist it because of any fear or pain, not seeing any gain or not feeling any energy by it - I motivate myself as decision, self-will, act as self-direction without any need for stimulation, gain or fear from lose, based on principled living of what is best for all with practical common sense.

When and as I fear from changing by experiencing pain, I become aware of the pattern what I used to use for avoiding the pain and becoming the personality for avoiding this pain and realizing what is the starting point of this fear, who I am as it's source and what I must be done in order to prevent further pain to cause.

When and as I experience pain, I realize that as I move toward my center of my being and excluding my reality, others - it is a pattern what I've developed by time and the same way I can decompose, stop it and become practical instead of reactive, open and directive instead of closed and reactive by acting immediately with self-trust, self-movement.

When and as I resist losing something within risking, I apply common sense and stop using the excuse of 'not wanting to be reckless and irresponsible' in order to justify fear of pain and fear of fear and trust myself to find my limits and walk through them breath by breath.

When and as I see that I am not trusting myself unconditionally, I stop and I re-align and forgive myself about everything I have in my mind and realize that all is excuse for accepting self-limitation instead of living self-direction so within that I write, sound, apply self-forgiveness unconditionally.

When and as I see that I face timelooping within facing/stopping/changing a pattern which does not support me, I ask for support, not allowing myself to get possessed by the idea of 'I must have to fight this', 'I am handling it', 'I got this' as realizing it is not about myself and within that realizing that within DesteniIProcess course and the group I can express my points to get support without any fear of judgement or separation and within that to realize that when I am able to assist and support others, it is myself who I give support to and assist to within the practical application of walking through self-separation, self-dishonest self-interest and thus re-writing, re-aligning, re-educating, re-birthing myself as life as equality and oneness in and as this human physical body.

[JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

I continue with Personality. Previously I've opened up points  of

• [JTL Day 221] Energy and Seriousness

Which means that there is this point of seriousness when feeling energy accumulated in my mind, a certain personality activates.

A personality is a pattern for who I think and believe I must behave and it has patterns, conditions, definitions and of course limitations.

Recently I was quite aware of one of my most apparently 'powerful' personalities, what I call as 'The Stoic'. It's not really 'powerful', but when I am being possessed with it, it gives that false feel of power, which then I use to shield myself and still become effective and very punctual - well, in fact quite blunt and ruthless sometimes.

I always wondered about this aspect of my mind and I believed that I learned from my grandpa, who had jail time and he was quite a gangster in his time as he had to live in a time where was revolution, street gangs, and he was a good fighter, but this is just information - I did not have to fight much myself.

My father was border-guard in the communist era and I always could understand the military mind and in a certain way this personality can be quite effective in war, because there is like a feel of my inner space and emptiness shrinks and there is this specific frequency of fire within which drives me to play out everything externally - mostly to focus on others, always finding their 'weak spot' and engage, expose and utilize in order to reach/get what I want, which also comes from inside quite automatically.

The most interesting point within this is that I deliberately go into personality, there is mostly a thought pattern before, but sometimes no - and then there is a reaction, an emotion and then when I go into this 'mindset' - to have this feeling of force, power, which fuels me, and I 'ride'.

It's always about a certain reason - and if I can decide that I stop this personality - or change to an other, then it's simple, immediate, which is kind of weird experience, but it's part of who I have become according to the self-acceptance of fear, because it is built on that in it's essence.

What exposes this personality that I am not fully myself is the tension, the drive, the lack of inner experience of infinity of silence, emptiness.

Instead I am constantly in movement, there is no pain, fear showed and it's pretty easy to make others react, who has also fear or reactions and from that moment it's about 'them' and as people go into the 'game' - I ride that and it's weird but once I go into the 'win' point - it's like running upwards a hill and once I ran up, I want to run further and there is no more, I am on the top but I still want to get higher and there is no way and it's like an engine is just running and it's no need for it - then I can have a weird moment of 'What the fuck I do' and I can settle down, because I realize I do not need to fear.

Recently I was asked to stop this because it was not cool and I was immediately able to stop because it was clear that I do not need for this personality, especially that there was no need to either find weak spots, prove my point or even protect myself - and within that moment I realized the ridiculousness of this personality and how long I've created, participated it.

I have several personalities, but I've given to this one the most permission to activate and become, because it seems effective and powerful, apparently can protect my 'mini-me', but it's not direct 'relationship' with reality, it's coming through my limited mind-set, it is conditioned and in fact at certain points it's not effective and what I really lose by becoming this 'stoic, skeptic, bitter, critique' is the humbleness and equality.

The humbleness and humility - towards life and others as me as equals - and I was able to justify that with this personality that I can support others to expose their self-dishonesty, even if it means it's raw, crude, unpleasant, but as it's a pattern, it's limited, I am automated, same as with drugs - gives the ride but not me directing within utmost specificity and awareness, but patterns of manifested consequences, self-definitions, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

As I walk the Journey to Life Process of writing, sounding, applying Self-forgiveness, I accumulate the ability to stop myself and step back and see how it is based on what fear and by that realization becoming able to decompose the patterns which constitute into building up and automatically becoming mind-personalities.

The false sense of 'power' comes from the personality by skipping the moment of being conscious about fear, being actually aware of how I create the fear experience with which I sabotage my ability to apply the most direct solution.

It's interesting to see that schizophrenic people are being judged as 'bat shit crazy nuts' but in the meantime an 'ordinary' human(of course a 'healthy' ego does not refer itself as 'ordinary') has many personalities: one for picking up partner, one for arguing with parent, one for being the good worker for boss, one for being a great lover, one for deal within the ghetto, in rude environment, one played out at parties and the transition, the interconnectedness of these self-definition-based reaction-rule set personalities is so smoothly embedded and ingrained into one's life smoothed with thoughts/feelings/emotions that by the becoming we do not see/realize/understand that it's a con played by our consciousness based on our own original fear to have a feel of stability, certainty, power.

"I am a lawyer, a soldier, a programmer, an artist, a great lover, a Chinese, a biker" - self-definition - limitation, based on polarity, energy, fear.

It is quite brave to acknowledge that I accept and allow fear without any justification and excuse, projection or blame, because then it is all about self as who I am here today. I am responsible, which is quite intense, but simply true and by this realization I can decide to understand, stop, change from my fear to fearless self-expression.

There is also a gift, an advantage within decomposing and stopping automatic personality-activation: the ability to decide within responsible, humble, yet effective way on how to act, respond, which in the beginning feels less smooth, powerful and 'normal' but these are also dimensions for to apply self-forgiveness as a false reliance on qualities based on self-definitions of polarity, condition instead of Self-direction.

I am power, I am expression, I am humbleness - it should not be based on a condition, a person, a circumstance, because then it is not self-direction, but self-automation based on a self-accepted reaction manifesting into action.

So I walk Self-forgiveness to become aware and decompose the patterns which constitute to create, react to, become identified and act upon personalities.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting reactions within me, accumulating into energetic experiences and activating personalities within me with the justification of 'I need this' in order to behave the way I feel I have to act in order to get what I want, to protect myself, to have movement, a feel of power, clarity, obviousness and within that not realizing that it is a system I use as a layer within separation from what is here, from who I am as life as equal with and as all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear directly within wanting to use energy, reaction, self-definition to give permission to be acted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to protect my beingness in the fear of loss, fear of change, fear of hurt, fear of pain, because I've defined myself according to my changes to fear, loss and pain and allowed myself to be automatic with the patterns I react to fear, to prevent fear, to deal with fear without understanding what I fear and actually why and what is the consequence I cause by this pattern to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I created personalities in my mind, to automatize reactions, behaviors, what I've defined as supporting me, protecting me and not realizing that it is based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, which are based of certain fear without questioning what I participate within, what will be the consequences for me and others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I define a situation serious, meaning I have something to lose which I do not want and I feel the tension, friction about it, having inner conflict within and react with fear, I create energetic reactions within me which accumulate into personality to activate to feel and behave certain ways, which I've defined as who I am and how I should act in situations and not realizing that it is not self-direction because it's a reaction based on how I reacted in the past and given permission to become automatic.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I lose presence in and as my human physical body and focus my attention to things outside of me meanwhile losing awareness how I am, why I am doing things, then I give permission to my mind to react and act automatically.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware when I act automatically meanwhile listening to thoughts, feelings, emotions and not realizing that I am separated within this - having inner reactions, programmed to come up and react, take away or make me do things what I not realize that it is based on fear and never considering the solution as stop myself going into fear first and see what is actually the point I want to avoid.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define activating personality as feeling good, safe and familiar and define it as myself and by the energetic experience, feeling myself as powerful and not realizing that I am compromising myself based on conditions, self-definitions and pre-programmed reactions to deal with fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I've created personality in my mind based on thoughts, feelings, emotions and when and why I go into activation of the certain personalities and not seeing that I want to avoid fear based on another layer of fear and not seeing the whole pattern, the whole dynamics, the whole system, only being identified and reacted to one layer at a time, just like a turing-machine, an algorithm, a fuzzy-logic rule-set, which consists of conditions and reactions, just much more than I believed I could grasp and understand, which is also comes from a fear and in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all the fear I experience is not real, it's just an energy I want to avoid because behind it there is awareness, responsibility, change, which I defined myself needing to resist at all cost, because who I defined myself to be should not change, because then the fear would come up that I am losing myself which is also defined to fear and within behind all this, the interest of me, self, separated from what's and who's all here as equal as me and within this not realizing that regardless of my experience and my reaction, facts are here, based on my actions and if I act based on fear, it's still manifested.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I can let go fear, I can face and walk through the fear, the valley of shadow of death, which is losing all which is my self-interest, which is the death of who I believed myself to be as personality, mind, consciousness, system, and beyond there is a birth of life, fearless, undefined, direct living.

I will continue to decompose the particular personality I've started to open up here...
I suggest to learn and apply Self-awareness Life-skills with the Desteni I Process Lite Free Online Course:

[JTL Day 207] Tiredness vs Awareness part 7 - commitment

Continuing on decomposing the self-accepted patterns in regarding to tiredness which I've allowed to
cause friction/energetic movement within me as realizing that it is not self-honest, not supporting me and in fact I can let it all go and trust myself directly without reactions/thoughts/definitions.
Last time I wrote this:

•  [JTL Day 206] Tiredness vs Awareness part 6 - practicality

When and as I experience tiredness in my mind, in my eyes, in my feet, in my breathing - I consider if I am able to take a break from what I am doing if possible and give myself a presence, a relax, a refreshment without needing to think/define/judge the situation of judging it/myself as I am getting tired - I simply do it without needing to wait for thinking such - directly thus preventing myself from going into my mind.

When and as I feel like I am not present, but still doing what I am doing, when I feel like I start to have a distance, when the emptiness starts to create a void within myself what I would feel like lack of energy and then judging that as 'I am getting tired' I bring myself here, I focus to my chest, my body, my breathe, my posture, my physical senses, my direction here without defining as it is required, simply expressing myself and re-defining myself as presence within physical action.

When and as I would want to do something and within wanting losing my presence, my ability to consider my body, what is exhausting and how and pushing the limits to the degree of 'really wanting it to be done' and not considering physical limits, time - I see/realize/understand that it is not about how much I can push at once to do, but it is about stability, presence, persistence, consistence which means considering how to do things with including resting, respecting and supporting my human physical body as well as equal as one as my will, direction, expression.

When and as I worry of not doing something to it's completion, when worrying of not finishing something if I would stop doing it for a moment of resting, re-stabilizing presence, preventing tiredness/exhaustion then I remember that even if I take a rest/relaxation/replenishment I can be aware of what I am doing and I can remain consistent with my direction/will/presence to continue it with the consideration of the support of my human physical body.

When and as I would start working and not feeling when the body requires resting/relaxing/regeneration I realize it is because I am not here, aware, equal and one with my human physical body and thus accepting thoughts/feelings/emotions to be generated automatically and then waiting for those to tell me how I am, what I experience and who I must be instead of myself be aware and directive in each moments with consideration of what I do while also consider my body, the physical.

When and as I do something such as working with computer or in the physical world with things and I see myself thinking about something, unrelated from the job, or even related with the job - I realize that I can unlearn that automatic reaction and develop a stable presence/direction/self-trust wherein I do not need to think but always express myself here.

When and as I feel tired and exhausted by doing something and thoughts start to arise and I feel getting tired I stop the need to fight tiredness instead of see/realize/understand the reason I feel tired and do something to stop it - and if possible take a break, refresh/realign myself here.

When and as I feel tiredness or exhausted and what I do cannot be stopped at this moment for instance working with others which requires to be done or that specific part requires to be done first to be able to have a break, then I focus to breathing, presence, direction and be one and equal with what I do and push myself out from my mind and realize I am here, my body is breathing here and birth myself in each moment to be and remain here.

When and as I feel tiredness emerging in my mind and feel the lack of energy and dullness I breathe and push myself here and apply self-forgiveness aloud or if not possible, I apply the forgiveness in one moment as a decision to step out from the tiredness and also seeing/realizing/understanding the reason coming up in my mind what tells me to be alright to feel tired such as lack of fresh air, needing water, doing something more time than I am able to do without being tired and that excuses I forgive myself for accepting and I immediately bring myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself, my actions, my attention, my expression based on thoughts I hear in my mind, my head, instead of realizing I can act and live directly preventing thoughts by understanding, presence, direction, self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to notice, see/realize/understand when I am acting, doing something meanwhile accepting thoughts, listening to thoughts, reacting to thoughts, seeing thoughts as myself directly and not being aware that by this I am preventing myself to be HERE directly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that tiredness is a thought, a definition what to I can decide not to listen but feel my physical body, my awareness, myself and discover, explore, build and express self-trust by remaining undefined.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that one of the reasons I've allowed myself to be constantly stimulated by thoughts is because I believed, defined myself as somebody needing to be instructed, suggested to, told by thoughts because otherwise I would not be motivated, stimulated to act and within that not realizing that all I allowed myself to become is a result of stimulation, dependent on lack of self-trust.

I commit myself to stop any definition in regards to tiredness based on memories, on worry, on fear and as I understand the already accepted patterns in my mind I understand, decompose and forgive myself for allowing myself to be limited by definition, judgement, separation.

I commit myself to be equal and one with and as my human physical body and feel my breath, feel the physical signs my body is giving in regarding to when it requires for resting, relaxing, rejuvenate, regenerate and I commit myself to develop a presence within my body to immediately be able to see these signs to prevent exhaustion, sickness.

I commit myself to stop all reaction within myself based on memories about how and when I used to or supposed to get tired by specific events, circumstances, actions and stop all the energetic reactions within me what I've participated within because of the belief, the perception and the self-accepted limitation of that 'I am unable to feel and be my body directly here and need my mind, thoughts, energies to tell me how it is and what I supposed to do' and within this I commit myself to stop this pattern and I let go this complexity, this system and I direct myself, allow myself to realize that I am presence, I am breathe, I am physical, I am simplicity here.

When and as I see that I am not taking the rest when my body indicates me that I am being exhausted and be obsessed with what I do and wanting to do more and more and not rest because of the worry/fear that I do not do enough - I let it go and I consider that what is really important, I can continue when I am rested and also I realize when I am exhausted I am more exposed to my previously self-accepted tendency of wanting to stimulate myself with energetic experiences, reactions, judgements, thoughts, feelings, emotions which then will accumulate me into moods, personalities, which with I will accept inconsistency, because of the energy comes and go and then by that inconsistency I will not be able to do what I want, commit and direct myself to do, therefore in this case I let everything go of my mind, all worry, fear or even 'being high' from progressing in something and I realize if I really decide and commit myself to do what I want - then the consistent accumulation is more relevant and effective than do it until exhaustion therefore I take the rest and if required I take notes on what I plan to do after resting.

I commit myself to worry of not being able to do all the things I planned to do and wanting to not rest when my body requires it - because of being possessed of the idea of not progressing and generating energy by that fear reaction and using that energy to continue doing what I do and realizing that within the worry I am not myself but of fear, as fear thus I commit myself to stop, calm, re-align myself with presence, inner quietness, simplicity, breathing and remember the reason of what I allowed myself to be obsessed with even to the degree of disregarding my body, my health, my consistency to apply self-forgiveness to support myself for the next time to prevent reacting the same dishonest way again.

I commit myself to stop defining myself as 'I am tired' and whenever this thought pattern would come up I act immediately within re-aligning myself physically here, stopping the energetic relationship definitions and apply common sense and self-forgiveness to prevent myself in tiredness-definition while accumulate self-knowing, self-trust and self-direction to be able to apply rest/relaxation/regeneration when required.

I commit myself to stop worry of not doing enough thus overwhelm and exhaust myself when feeling the mood/energy/condition to apply myself which would indicate not self-direction but of reaction thus I stop it, I realize it and I apply self-forgiveness and realize that consistency, presence and patience is the most practical approach to get things done.

I commit myself to stop the already accepted automatic patterns to energize me meaning using substances, sexual arousal and deliberate anxiety in order to overcome the energetic tiredness as realizing/understanding/seeing that unless I motivate/stimulate/influence/move myself with and through energy - I am separated from myself in the acceptance and fear of not being able to directly be here and aware thus I immediately re-align and change and let go each reaction in regarding to energy and learn to move with and as the physical body's rhytm and presence as equal as one as self.

I suggest to listen this practical approach on tiredness/sleep/mind for further understanding:

[JTL Day 205] Tiredness vs Awareness part 5 - impatience

Continuing with on the point of tiredness...

• [JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1-Introduction
• [JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2-Self-forgiveness
• [JTL Day 203] Tiredness vs Awareness part 3 - Motivation
• [JTL Day 204] Tiredness vs Awareness part 4 - Interest

...and as self-correction I planned to walk here in this next post, there is something what is coming up as related and relevant point to forgive myself about first to become aware exactly the patterns what are self-dishonest and I still accept and allow myself to participate within.

So, before the actual self-correction I bring in another dimension, which is: patience.

I find it relevant as recently started to see/realize/understand a very interesting point about tiredness versus impatience.

Whenever I am becoming impatient, I lose my balance, I lose my presence, I lose my consistency, I am not motivated anymore - not to what I was before, thus I am going into the same pattern as before - reacting, judging, more focusing to what I do not like and my thoughts, emotions about how and why I do not like it, rather than simply stopping myself reacting, preventing the situation which I find not supporting.

It is interesting because as I am losing my presence by giving permission to my habits to react and judge I am becoming tired very soon.

There is also a point wherein I can start to lie to myself about it is now patience when in fact it is acceptance and allowance of something what is not self-supportive - only way to come out within absolute clarity is self-honesty - which if it's not obviously consistently here - then I am most likely not sure, because I am not that intimate, present, open with myself to be aware of what is in fact self-honestly the best for me and others around me equally.

Thus it is always simple, but as I engage walking through the layers of the mind it can be pretty soon quite complicated, multidimensional, many points link and point to each other and the whole rule-matrix in my personality can be triggered and reacted to automatically.

However Self-honesty is always the most simple and direct way to reveal what I am accepting and allowing which is not best for me and all and thus to express the common sense to stop that - stopping myself doing that without any other, new con, complicated logic or reasoning.

I am simplicity, I am breath, I am life, I am expression.

More and more time I am allowing myself to give myself a piece of patience so to speak.

As I am slowing down within myself, attuning my mind, beingness breath by breath to the pace of my human physical body - what I have realized is that the difference between patience and impatience is always about one breath.

FASCINATING, isn't it? Whenever I am losing my temper, feel my blood boiling, my nerve to electrify with this anxious, angry, frustrated expression - I simply breath.

It seems quite tricky, I was 'planning it' since a decade - however what I've found is that once I walk the specific Self-forgiveness statements, to open up, as writing down the exact words, reactions, thoughts, emotions, patterns - I bring it down into physical time-space - word by word as I write the letters, words, sentences - I am slowing down, and thus I am allowing myself to really see/realize/understand what words I consist of and react to and why.

And it's like a map I draw - the many curvy and complicated paths I carved into my mind as my personality, habits, through memories, definitions, preferences, desires, fears, limitations, points of positive, negative - these are quite determining and as much each human is striving towards freedom - this is the exact opposite what we result with.

When I forgive the point of losing my temper because of the computer is slow, not responding - typical point, I am sure most of the humans can very much relate -

"This f*** computer is so slow", "The webpage does not load", "I am wasting time", "I am spending my life staring progress bars", "Crashes the moth****"...

And it builds up - I am aware, when I am not traveling and not being behind the camera I am using computers - same with phones, tablets, any machinery, anything!

Just like we have a plan, wanting to do, an intent, and when it does not work, we lose our temper, getting dragged down by the slowness, the experience of lack of energy, tiredness is coming.

It is to observe our human physical body - the breathing, the posture, the muscles, the inner state of ourselves. It seems also tricky as being busy, having to do complicated work, listening orders from others, needing to quickly make responsible decisions and executing those etc.

But if one starts walking Desteni I Process online courses - can step by step understand what is going on within our mind, what is that what makes us react, what is that I am becoming anxious, mostly me is the 'time being wasted while waiting for the machine to do what I order to it'.

And one simple point I suggest - in this time: BREATHE - take a breath, re-align with self-presence, self-direction, empty our mind and just be with ourselves.

Come on, it's just some seconds mostly anyway - what it is that why we can not enjoy ourselves 'alone' for a moment - the machine has to be waited for, so what?

Same with a little child - if the child walks, does things slowly, is it really cool to become anxious, angry, because they need a bit more time?

I am not saying the machine must be slow and it is alright - absolutely not - but if I do accept MYSELF to become anxious, frustrated, angry, because of a computer - then obviously not the machine is responsible for myself losing myself and go into predictable, always the same energetic reaction, which does not support me, others or anything.

For me also it was the self-judgement of 'I can not do anything' - if the machine loads - I felt like I am the slave of my decision to wait for the computer, no matter how slow it is - and while I judge how slow it is, I accumulate frustration, I compound anger.

And in relation to computer, it's speed, my lack of capacity to use it but in fact I am becoming frustrated because of the fact that I am automatically giving up my presence, myself in that moment - that is also really frustrating to acknowledge that I am compromised, diminished and the most relevant point is that 'with my own consent' - that also can be frustrating to realize and more frustrating to not do anything about it.

So it is really serious and it is also depending on how much pressure one 'gets', like angry boss, deadline, financial risk, influencing others if not being able to do it etc - but after all - who I am in this very moment is in fact who I really accept myself to be and exist as.

In regarding to tiredness - it is a pattern existing within me to become anxious, frustrated because of impatience and then going into reactions which makes me feel more energetic first and then when it's over, it's like sugar-rush - drags me down.

And stable, consistent expression always felt for me as wrong, dull, normal, ordinary, mortal etc - and I've defined energy, intensity, diversity, polarity, waving as more interesting, more me - which was not self-honest - it was self-definition excuse to justify why I am in fact not existing but as reaction patterns. The self-identification with energy, intensity, positive, negative - was in fact the only consistent I've manifested myself to be without my presence, my direction, my stability.

This whole cycle to participate within all the time also can manifest layers of tiredness of accumulated self-defeat, lack of self-motivation which should be written down, forgiven through and committed to stop one by one, breath by breath.

And if anything coming up in relation to this decision to stop - it is also a pattern and should be investigated, forgiven, committed to stop - fascinating!

If I want to stop procrastinating but what coming up first is 'I do not have enough time' - then I should walk through that idea in my mind of 'not having enough time, why and how I experience that' and to realize it is just an experience.

When I am present, breathing, directive - there is no tiredness, there is no impatience.

Let's walk Self-forgiveness in regards to tiredness and impatience specifically my living days currently.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I am becoming impatient - I am giving into an automatic self-accepted reaction for a reason as giving up into self-defeat and losing myself, defining it bad, defining my powerlessness for what I react to as being impatient and also for what I accept and allow within and as myself how I react without be able to realize how and why I do so and within that to be able to prevent and stop myself participating within it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that becoming angry/frustrated/impatient is not supporting for a practical solution, but rather I focus to my reaction, for my giving up for accepting myself as powerless yet not liking it instead of simply being aware of the point I do not enjoy and remain here, present, directive and find practical ways to not give any excuse for losing my stability here and within that in fact myself.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that I have a choice before going into impatience, anger, energy surge of frustration, powerlessness, which is not react with the same patterns but remain here, remain within breath, presence, physical awareness and if I do not see the opportunity, the practical ability for this choice to make and live by - it is because the accumulation of self-acceptance within the consent of giving my mind the direction, automation by a belief that it is also me, it is who I really am and it is who I define myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized/understood the simple common sense of applying self-forgiveness of the points I've allowed and accepted myself to become aware my responsibility for what I am and be aware how and why exactly I am reacting to assist and support myself to recognise the external/internal patterns/circumstances/conditions what makes me react the way it is I've already realized it is not as living my utmost potential within absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-forgiveness is the awareness of life if I am becoming responsible for my actions and the consequences of them as who I am and thus defining relationships and reasons for why I have to apply or why I do not have to apply it as myself undefined, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the consequences of what I have not allowed myself to forgive to myself, to others and to all of existence to live the interest of me, the interest of self, the interest of my mind and hiding behind it, hiding behind myself while not realizing that I am constantly manifesting consequences in reality, whether I am aware of them or not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see-realize-understand that if I resist responsibility for myself and for my existence, I am hiding in a bubble of conditioned mind consciousness system which will inevitably burst and then I will face myself anyway but the consequences are accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I am going into tiredness when I wake up in the morning, because of the specific reasons I allow myself to define myself in relation to tiredness such as how many hours I've slept, how I've slept, what I did before sleep, what I did not do before sleep and also very relevantly: what I am going to do today when I wake up and what is my experience already in regards to this very day, the things I am going to face, do and if there is any judgment, worry, fear, desire, thought, emotion,friction it is to realize I am going into judgment, separation, the mind which with I eventually can persuade myself of being: TIRED.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand how my mind and body is interconnected and stand as equal and one because of the extent of self-accepted separation of my beingness, my mind, my body and thus not be aware of how I am making the body being tired while participating in the mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that thinking only can make me more energetic, awaken, fresh when I react to the thoughts and that reaction is also the mind and thus showing to me that who I define myself to be is in fact the mind, thus not being stable but always of relationships, polarities, reactions, energies and not be aware of that all of this energy is coming from the body, making the body exhausted, tired, abused while in my mind only considering about energies which is not physical and thus not being in an intimate, present, equal and one relationship with my own human physical body to be aware of what makes it exhausted, dragged down such as thinking, desires, fears, energies and be self-honest about stopping these patterns - use common sense on how to stop these patterns.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am always one breath 'away' from prevent myself going into impatience, tiredness, losing myself here and it is because I've defined importance into the mind instead of presence, physical, direct vulnerability here and not realizing why to be able to prevent myself to do so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually decide and do what it takes to really slow down within the activities I do each day by investigating, sitting down, writing out what I do and why to be able to see myself as I am, not judged, not defined, not feared, desired or stimulated.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can absolutely walk through each trigger point of impatience within my life with self-forgiveness/self-correction/self-commitment and if I do not apply it as solution as myself - I am not self-honest thus it is common sense to apply self-forgiveness for the self-accepted reasons for why not being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand what it is making me react with tiredness/sleepiness at my workplace because always reacting, not breathing presently and thus not seeing that because what I actually do or do not do - I already have judgement about it and reacting to it drags me away and existing in the mind is already manifesting tiredness as for to be able to be in my mind so to speak I need energy to generate/react to which comes from friction, which comes from the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient, frustrated, angry when the computer is not responding immediately, defining myself as wasting time, needing to wait and not see-realize, understand that I can simply breathe and be comfortable with myself waiting for a moment and simply be without the need for judging the scenario as bad, projecting out the anger to computer, others while in fact being angry at myself for losing myself thus looping myself within unnecessary cycle and becoming tired of being the same pattern, of being powerless and not being stable.

I will continue with more specific self-forgiveness and self-correction.

[JTL Day 203] Tiredness vs Awareness part 3 - Motivation

Continuing with walking through the tiredness as decomposing, forgiving, stopping, re-creating myself word by word and assist and support myself for breathe/act/live the change as equal as one.

• [JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1-Introduction
• [JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2-Self-forgiveness

So as I was investigating my existence when I was in a flu at the weekend- which is kind of a catalyst in terms of intensities of self, especially with the fact that I was not 'working' but had to rest quite some.

It was fascinating to see through the layers of the mind - as mostly I am quite busy, always doing things until the point of exhaustion, tiredness.(It's related to inconsistency and lack of self-knowing, but it is for now an other topic to write about). Right now in this moment so much thing coming up, thus I take some breathes to remain here, directive, present without losing focus from all the memories, insights I want to write and share.

Alright. So the first thing comes up is motivation. It is like a 'pilot light' there is this beingness within me and with motivation can grow to a bonfire and easily to a firestorm wherein it is too much and burns all around too soon and then shrinks back again into this tiny little flame again.

Motivation is the blood, the petrol of my fire to melt down and boil up the ice holding me back and when I am out of it I am: tired.

Fascinatingly enough I've been successfully separated myself from the very idea/meaning and actualization of this word: motivation by making it conditional/literally limiting it to circumstances/events/experiences and thus my very expression I've given permission to prevent being consistent, unconditional, permanent.

Giving a couple of experiences when regardless of how much I've slept - I woke up like this: sleeping sleeping sleeping ...awaken....opening my eyes - YES - I am here again - then jumping out of bed and rushing for doing the thing I was motivated about.

In fact does not matter much anymore what was the thing I was motivated to do, but just for practical examples I list a couple ones, also noting some self-definition as 'spice'

-Playing Halflife computer game at the university - the storyline, the game play, the experience, the whole stimulation and feeling I had meanwhile - just motivated me to play through as consistently as I could, in a way totally living in the game without needing to leave it for my real living(I really did this with many dozen games already, but this one was specifically intense, around 1999).
-Facing the final exam at university thus eventually being free of it - the excitement of uncertainty of success, the stimulation for approximating the literally unknown etc
-To wake up meeting my girl to make love, mixing up sexual desire with fascination with the being
-Waking up for a sunrise to take pictures/videos at a cool location, wanting to explore the virginity of the first moments of the day with my awesome hi-tech gear for perfecting my skills, for share with others, for 'enjoyment'

Okay see - it is quite 'personal' so to speak - I've defined myself so and thus I reap what I sow - ENERGY - so when I am motivated, it's like the jolly joker to beat tiredness - I don't care, I am shining through so to speak - it's bearable, it's like weather - shouldn't and thus doesn't influence my day.

Tonight I've noticed this flaming again - tomorrow for a filming job, I will buy the fastest compact flash card available in the market, making the amount of recordable video doubled as I am capable today in one session, faster, more smoothly.

I am motivated to go to work because at lunchtime I will go to the mall and pay for it and most of the money is covered by the actual 'work' I make with video - it's like I am right on track for accumulating a dream coming true.(I go into the details as reveals the whole scenario more clearly).

Here I must distinguish from obsession from motivation as for instance when I was dopesmoker, I was so eager to jump out from the bed, eat some(just for the high not being about realizing/solving hunger) and get violently stoned as soon as possible - and that was also kind of motivation - later on I was doing things while stoned, but it was the important aspect of waking up motivated for sure.
I just wanted to bring some of my current life's 'motivations' I decide to correct as I see the self-interest emerging - not as buying a flash card is selfish but if I have energy, reaction, attachment - I am not fully here as self, but of and as ideas of consciousness systems. This is the eye of the needle, no compromise within the starting point of absolute self-honesty - to ensure nothing motivates me automatically, even if that automation was created, programmed, given permission to by me.

So even the very definition of -motivation- can be literally of anything, thus the human energetic organic robot is quite a specific one in terms of it's wide variety of programmability, but in it's essence - it's all the same, just the pictures, definitions are different among individuals.

Alright - so all I wanted to point out is that the very motivation I had/have is still mostly about my desires - with starting Process, and long before, I had the idea of motivation being to benefit all beings, all beings equally, but that still rarely being lived out IN ACTION.

As many people as well probably can refer to it - almost each and every single pageant talks about 'world peace' and actually most of the human individuals would want to have a better world IN THEORY - but to actually do something about it is so rare and in the jungle of personalities of our mind's weaved self-interest we barely are able to fulfill our own desires.

Especially when one would want to act according to what is best for all - even to find out what that would mean one can face extreme amount of layers/systems/reactions and then to reach the point of actual realization of what would really impact for all beings - such realization as the money point in this human system - towards the actual, practical, doable plan on how exactly, specifically could that be manifested: and then facing one's reaction to that amount of change, work and effort required to manifest - depends on and influences: MOTIVATION.

So in a way - motivation is also a construct, especially if separated from self, from direct self-expression - when it is self-defined, conditional, limited - can support through only a certain amount of resistance/tiredness - from the mind( - still not of physical fatigue).

Tiredness is a concept, an idea which is like a nest, a self-weaved mind-creation with which one can say to self and others: well, I am pretty much tired to a certain degree that I can't really move anymore effectively.

Moving, meaning realizing, changing, expanding, really living.

Most of the mothers can relate with this I guess - in the early morning the baby cries and one wakes up to feed, to care, to support - and can overcome so much experience of tiredness, however many can still be influenced, dragged down with the experience of tiredness.

As I was observing my own experiences recently while having the flu - I had some headache, I was in the bed, I just had a long nap, I was so tired - and I was just recognizing that actually I was listening to thoughts -

'Well, maybe I am this much tired, because now my body is fighting the illness, so I am exhausted, I need to sleep more'.

Thus I slept more - and I was more tired!

I was like wtf is going on, I do sure rest, I am all the rest I can have, but still I barely can jump out from the bed and drink water - which might be required for not feeling that tired.

So then I was experiencing this thought-hive in my mind for a while when in fact I was a bit 'energetic' - in a way like stimulated up with these thought-patterns/reactions to them with polarity/friction so then I stood up and started to move.

And I was starting to move, step by step, started to breath one after another - my head was cleaning out, my tiredness started to fade slowly but surely.

And then I figured out - I need food, I need drink, I need to dis-wash, I WANT to do something, still I am 'officially sick', thus having the excuse for all day doing nothing - I want to make use of this day too somehow. That was a moment of motivation.

WANT

Without wanting I was nothing but restless tiredness

With wanting I overcome tiredness.

I had to believe what I want is important, what I want to do, I am able to, and is cool for me.

At the moment of starting to move, I had no idea - just I trusted I can do - anyway it's all I ever can have - self-trust in when and what I want and with that motivation to actually live that out.

Also in a sense I had the impression that with accepting the fact I am now sick I do not need and actually don't want to do anything particular because thus I can rest and recover faster, thus I just let myself to rest and sleep as much as I can so then hopefully soon I can be able to return to my usual 'me' of eager to do things all the time - when not being tired.

So within all of losing myself in the deep experience of tiredness deliberately - I had a motivation behind it - to recover faster.

So it is just fascinating to investigate how and why I experience what I allow me to influence/direct me.

Also to observe babies/tiny kids - they do not freaking reason like this while learning to move, walk, talk - they just DO - direct motivation to LIVE.

After all it is being programmed to pick up the same strategies as other humans around them but in the beginning it's obviously much more direct/effective/practical how they - as we also were - motivated to learn and expand - without reasons, without excuses, without concept, being undefined, yet being oneself - I want to walk, I learn to walk, I do walk. Simple.

I see/realize/understand that I do not have any option in this but to totally decompose/forgive/stop all motivations I have and literally re-define/re-create/re-birth myself with a motivation as equal as one with self, in equality and oneness with all what is here as response-able, as direct as possible.

Even the concept of 'beating tiredness' indicates polarity/opposition/friction/conflict thus it's a trap.

The holistic, unifying, embracing, transcending solution is to specifically purify and let go each and every single definition/reaction/judgement/identification with tiredness and PREVENT myself participating within it before needing to experience inner friction, lack of energy or motivation.

I mean it is obvious that most of the humans has some interest for wanting to do - money/sex/power, just to name some - or experience itself in it's multifaceted overrated fact of self-separation for our - certainly unique - affection for it.

I am not here to judge how false would be to wake up each day with the motivation for making more billions than yesterday in the sadistic altar of greed but it's impact is deliberately rippling through the whole existence with it's physical consequence.

But hey - how more false to be motivated with our own little bubble of experience of existence only in the charming spell of apparent free will to have our own decision within who and what we are while disregarding a whole world of consequence.

To aim the absolute with motivation is so uneasy by minds of clouded with tiredness while in fact for this poison it is also the remedy: being tired from this existence as being motivated for it's change!

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have given permission to motivation to be automatically be triggered within my mind and me reacting with energy and with that energy opposing, fighting, balancing, overcoming tiredness and not being aware of how and why in fact my starting point within and as my mind is tiredness, lack of energy, no motivation, no movement by myself directly but always needing something to stimulate/influence/direct me and this whole mechanism, conditions, rules, acceptances and starting point defining it as me, as who I am without stopping, breathing here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be separated with the word motivation, with the word's meaning, with my relationships, definitions of motivation and allow to be triggered and influenced by the polarity-based positive or negative energetic experiences to literally motivate me instead of me being here directly the living expression of and as MOTIVATION as SELF HERE.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be tired and wanting something to energize me up from this state of tiredness because within that I don't move, I can't move, I am not movement because there is no motivation and not realizing that thus who I define myself to be as movement is of conditions, not direct, not consistent, not self-honest, in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself tiredness as lack of energy as the reason and justification for not moving and to use it for myself or to others as 'that is why I do/did/won't act, because I am tired, exhausted' meanwhile I do not motivate myself in fact about that and using tiredness as separated energetic experience as excuse for not take responsibility for what I decide and what I act as equal as one as myself here in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can motivate myself to walk out from the mind to not need energy, to not need to beat tiredness, to not need to have conflict within me to have friction and tension and by that energizing my mind up to then being stimulated to move within and as me and perceiving that as myself and thus believing that what I mind tell me, make me feel is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the original tiredness I experience when I do not have motivation is who I allowed myself to be manifested in my mind as the layers of self-separation, the consent given to systematic personality behaviors, personalities to automatically judge and define, react and energize or stop energizing me and thus direct my life and defining it as who I am and defining this mechanism as life and accepting it within me and others without stopping and questioning and considering the solution as it would be stop reacting, stop being motivated by separate definition from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stimulated when I am able to get camera gear because of the energetic experience of excitement, of hope of I will be able to do things I could not before and as imagining myself doing what I plan/desire/hope for with this gear - already having this energy within me and allowing me to influence me to motivate me to go and get the gear and in moments not considering reality/priorities/common sense, just allowing this feeling to overwhelm me and not seeing/realizing/understanding that I can plan and consider all factors here and still manage to get the gear but with this energetic excitement it feels more interesting, I feel more alive and not realizing that these are feelings, not direct self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to unconsciously be driven and influenced by feelings, feeling positive, while disregarding what is here, breath, principle, reality for moments, minutes while 'flying' in my mind and not seeing how it is of self-interest which is not self-direction, thus accumulating consequence of being programmed to automatize myself based on feelings, even when it is not practical, best for me and all equally, because reacting to feelings, what are coming up automatically, as trusting feelings, as revealing not trusting myself directly here as breath, as presence, as self unified.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can motivate myself with principled living to walk through and beyond my mind, definitions, reactions and bring myself to a physical birth to be here in all moments equally and live this principle to what would be the practical action for what is best for all and to motivate myself to let go self-interest, energy, but accumulate stability, consistency by always stopping myself to be automatically excited, driven, influenced and see the starting point, explore the reason of fear from living self directly here and forgiving it as myself immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what motivates me and automatically react with positive feelings/excitement/hope/energy and not seeing/realizing/understanding the reason in the first place for that motivation to give permission to move within and as me.

That's all around tiredness from a perspective of motivation for today, will be continued with further self-forgiveness and self-correction....and....re-definition of motivation!

Thank you very much