[JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

I continue with Personality. Previously I've opened up points  of

• [JTL Day 221] Energy and Seriousness

Which means that there is this point of seriousness when feeling energy accumulated in my mind, a certain personality activates.

A personality is a pattern for who I think and believe I must behave and it has patterns, conditions, definitions and of course limitations.

Recently I was quite aware of one of my most apparently 'powerful' personalities, what I call as 'The Stoic'. It's not really 'powerful', but when I am being possessed with it, it gives that false feel of power, which then I use to shield myself and still become effective and very punctual - well, in fact quite blunt and ruthless sometimes.

I always wondered about this aspect of my mind and I believed that I learned from my grandpa, who had jail time and he was quite a gangster in his time as he had to live in a time where was revolution, street gangs, and he was a good fighter, but this is just information - I did not have to fight much myself.

My father was border-guard in the communist era and I always could understand the military mind and in a certain way this personality can be quite effective in war, because there is like a feel of my inner space and emptiness shrinks and there is this specific frequency of fire within which drives me to play out everything externally - mostly to focus on others, always finding their 'weak spot' and engage, expose and utilize in order to reach/get what I want, which also comes from inside quite automatically.

The most interesting point within this is that I deliberately go into personality, there is mostly a thought pattern before, but sometimes no - and then there is a reaction, an emotion and then when I go into this 'mindset' - to have this feeling of force, power, which fuels me, and I 'ride'.

It's always about a certain reason - and if I can decide that I stop this personality - or change to an other, then it's simple, immediate, which is kind of weird experience, but it's part of who I have become according to the self-acceptance of fear, because it is built on that in it's essence.

What exposes this personality that I am not fully myself is the tension, the drive, the lack of inner experience of infinity of silence, emptiness.

Instead I am constantly in movement, there is no pain, fear showed and it's pretty easy to make others react, who has also fear or reactions and from that moment it's about 'them' and as people go into the 'game' - I ride that and it's weird but once I go into the 'win' point - it's like running upwards a hill and once I ran up, I want to run further and there is no more, I am on the top but I still want to get higher and there is no way and it's like an engine is just running and it's no need for it - then I can have a weird moment of 'What the fuck I do' and I can settle down, because I realize I do not need to fear.

Recently I was asked to stop this because it was not cool and I was immediately able to stop because it was clear that I do not need for this personality, especially that there was no need to either find weak spots, prove my point or even protect myself - and within that moment I realized the ridiculousness of this personality and how long I've created, participated it.

I have several personalities, but I've given to this one the most permission to activate and become, because it seems effective and powerful, apparently can protect my 'mini-me', but it's not direct 'relationship' with reality, it's coming through my limited mind-set, it is conditioned and in fact at certain points it's not effective and what I really lose by becoming this 'stoic, skeptic, bitter, critique' is the humbleness and equality.

The humbleness and humility - towards life and others as me as equals - and I was able to justify that with this personality that I can support others to expose their self-dishonesty, even if it means it's raw, crude, unpleasant, but as it's a pattern, it's limited, I am automated, same as with drugs - gives the ride but not me directing within utmost specificity and awareness, but patterns of manifested consequences, self-definitions, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

As I walk the Journey to Life Process of writing, sounding, applying Self-forgiveness, I accumulate the ability to stop myself and step back and see how it is based on what fear and by that realization becoming able to decompose the patterns which constitute into building up and automatically becoming mind-personalities.

The false sense of 'power' comes from the personality by skipping the moment of being conscious about fear, being actually aware of how I create the fear experience with which I sabotage my ability to apply the most direct solution.

It's interesting to see that schizophrenic people are being judged as 'bat shit crazy nuts' but in the meantime an 'ordinary' human(of course a 'healthy' ego does not refer itself as 'ordinary') has many personalities: one for picking up partner, one for arguing with parent, one for being the good worker for boss, one for being a great lover, one for deal within the ghetto, in rude environment, one played out at parties and the transition, the interconnectedness of these self-definition-based reaction-rule set personalities is so smoothly embedded and ingrained into one's life smoothed with thoughts/feelings/emotions that by the becoming we do not see/realize/understand that it's a con played by our consciousness based on our own original fear to have a feel of stability, certainty, power.

"I am a lawyer, a soldier, a programmer, an artist, a great lover, a Chinese, a biker" - self-definition - limitation, based on polarity, energy, fear.

It is quite brave to acknowledge that I accept and allow fear without any justification and excuse, projection or blame, because then it is all about self as who I am here today. I am responsible, which is quite intense, but simply true and by this realization I can decide to understand, stop, change from my fear to fearless self-expression.

There is also a gift, an advantage within decomposing and stopping automatic personality-activation: the ability to decide within responsible, humble, yet effective way on how to act, respond, which in the beginning feels less smooth, powerful and 'normal' but these are also dimensions for to apply self-forgiveness as a false reliance on qualities based on self-definitions of polarity, condition instead of Self-direction.

I am power, I am expression, I am humbleness - it should not be based on a condition, a person, a circumstance, because then it is not self-direction, but self-automation based on a self-accepted reaction manifesting into action.

So I walk Self-forgiveness to become aware and decompose the patterns which constitute to create, react to, become identified and act upon personalities.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting reactions within me, accumulating into energetic experiences and activating personalities within me with the justification of 'I need this' in order to behave the way I feel I have to act in order to get what I want, to protect myself, to have movement, a feel of power, clarity, obviousness and within that not realizing that it is a system I use as a layer within separation from what is here, from who I am as life as equal with and as all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear directly within wanting to use energy, reaction, self-definition to give permission to be acted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to protect my beingness in the fear of loss, fear of change, fear of hurt, fear of pain, because I've defined myself according to my changes to fear, loss and pain and allowed myself to be automatic with the patterns I react to fear, to prevent fear, to deal with fear without understanding what I fear and actually why and what is the consequence I cause by this pattern to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I created personalities in my mind, to automatize reactions, behaviors, what I've defined as supporting me, protecting me and not realizing that it is based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, which are based of certain fear without questioning what I participate within, what will be the consequences for me and others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I define a situation serious, meaning I have something to lose which I do not want and I feel the tension, friction about it, having inner conflict within and react with fear, I create energetic reactions within me which accumulate into personality to activate to feel and behave certain ways, which I've defined as who I am and how I should act in situations and not realizing that it is not self-direction because it's a reaction based on how I reacted in the past and given permission to become automatic.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I lose presence in and as my human physical body and focus my attention to things outside of me meanwhile losing awareness how I am, why I am doing things, then I give permission to my mind to react and act automatically.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware when I act automatically meanwhile listening to thoughts, feelings, emotions and not realizing that I am separated within this - having inner reactions, programmed to come up and react, take away or make me do things what I not realize that it is based on fear and never considering the solution as stop myself going into fear first and see what is actually the point I want to avoid.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define activating personality as feeling good, safe and familiar and define it as myself and by the energetic experience, feeling myself as powerful and not realizing that I am compromising myself based on conditions, self-definitions and pre-programmed reactions to deal with fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I've created personality in my mind based on thoughts, feelings, emotions and when and why I go into activation of the certain personalities and not seeing that I want to avoid fear based on another layer of fear and not seeing the whole pattern, the whole dynamics, the whole system, only being identified and reacted to one layer at a time, just like a turing-machine, an algorithm, a fuzzy-logic rule-set, which consists of conditions and reactions, just much more than I believed I could grasp and understand, which is also comes from a fear and in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all the fear I experience is not real, it's just an energy I want to avoid because behind it there is awareness, responsibility, change, which I defined myself needing to resist at all cost, because who I defined myself to be should not change, because then the fear would come up that I am losing myself which is also defined to fear and within behind all this, the interest of me, self, separated from what's and who's all here as equal as me and within this not realizing that regardless of my experience and my reaction, facts are here, based on my actions and if I act based on fear, it's still manifested.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I can let go fear, I can face and walk through the fear, the valley of shadow of death, which is losing all which is my self-interest, which is the death of who I believed myself to be as personality, mind, consciousness, system, and beyond there is a birth of life, fearless, undefined, direct living.

I will continue to decompose the particular personality I've started to open up here...
I suggest to learn and apply Self-awareness Life-skills with the Desteni I Process Lite Free Online Course:

[JTL Day 195] VLOGs for Self-Support

Made some VLOGS some time ago for about an hour. It is a cool self-support and also as an opportunity to share it.



Looking back when I've started Vlogging, I remember, in February of 2008 I shared my first VLOG in regards to Self-honest Process. Since then I see myself being much more comfortable to talk into the camera - or talking publicly - to express myself when I decide so.
Previously there was this 10 minutes limit for how long a youtube video could be - and it is funny to see that I am still considering that limit which I allow - because I do not want to make a hour vlog, but rather make it sticking to a topic and thus directing myself to compress and specify my words.
I find BLOGging and VLOGging as highly self-supportive when it is in the starting point of Self-honesty. To slow down into physical timeline, to be in this real space and face myself, to know myself, to understand and be able to change myself it is crucial a diligent, principled, disciplined effort to make which accumulates into Self-direction, Self-stability and Self-trust.
What I suggest is to re-watch oneself talking about a point and see inner reactions, how and when and what I judge seeing and hearing talking myself. And then that can be reflected back to self, can be understood, stopped, and simply stand as my expression, as equal as one.
There are so many aspects existing within one's mind and it's vastness can feel like it is life, but if we start investigating our patterns, reactions, feelings, thoughts - we can realize these are consequences, accumulated into the manifestation of conglomerations of who we really are today. This self, as how and as we live in this physical world can not be denied as it is ourselves directly, which does not mean it's unchangeable, it just means that it is what we ended up becoming until this day.
So changing is an interesting word - if I do not change - am I perfect, will I not change anymore? By myself or by circumstances?
If I can have power, will and direction to change myself to become better, will I do it? Can I really do it? Within wanting to change I acknowledge that I am not satisfied with myself, within not wanting to change I say everything is alright in me, in my reality, which again: can be and should be questioned within absolute self-honesty.

So after all - who can change oneself and who will change oneself? If I can not change, am I real or am I already fully myself? Why to change and what to change and how to change then also can be a question.
This is the whole point within the Journey to Life process - I walk through understanding and layers of Self and explore what I am, what I can be, which parents, spiritual ways, mainstream school, or partnership might not showed me before, not because they did not want to, but because they did not know either who I am and what I am capable of! And when seeing myself became who I am because of dishonesty, fear, I stop that, I see what is beyond that and how to live without that dishonesty/fear.

Thus I suggest taking this free online self-realization course for becoming not just the Quest I on, but the Answer too!

• http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

[JTL Day 186] Facing reactions to Infinity

I continue where I've stopped last time:

http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/06/jtl-day-185-self-forgiveness-time.html

"So within these 'opening up'-s it is quite obvious that I still am holding onto energetic reactions to specific words, such as 'eternal', 'time', 'calmness', aaaaaaand: 'agreement'.

I shall and thus will be continuing to purify myself from judgments/polarities/emotions/feelings/memories in regards to these words to explore Self-honest, practical living living as these words.


Let's walk the explore of self-acceptance first:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have energetic reactions towards specific words which to I've defined relationship to emerge automatically and never questioning/seeing/realizing how and why I create myself such way and within that in fact not taking responsibility for what I accept myself to be and express and thus not be aware of the consequences of my actions as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a problem with the word 'infinity', 'eternal' as in fact trying to imagine it with my mind but seeing that within my mind I always change, I have in fact no reference for such word thus defining it this already emerging reaction of 'ungraspable, uncertain, unthinkable' and for that as 'unstable, unpredictable, ambigous' and for those words allowing instability within me and then wanting to equate that feeling, that energetic experience with some sort of stability experience and never realizing that what I experience, what in fact I can experience can not be infinity, especially with considering the fact that experience always come and go - thus within all this creating a resonant doubt, worry within me when considering certain points within my life in regards to 'standing or planning or considering' infinity, eternity.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the programes within my reactions always concluding with the same result in regards to the words 'infinity', 'eternity' and never considering that it is something what is already self-accepted and never questioned and never even considered to change within me as taking granted all what I've experienced, defined, reacted before as who I've defined myself to be and never realizing that I constantly generate reaction, friction about these words because there are points within me with what I see that I do not stand as equals thus fearing from remaining this way to 'infinity' reacting with worry, anxiousness as not wanting to exist within such friction for ever and within that not slowing down and applying self-honesty to my self-accepted word-reactions to the common sense that I can change specifically with what I create friction with in my mind and explore what I can LIVE in physical reality with what starting point to prevent myself creating friction within me.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the common sense of for preventing friction, conflict within me I must know what I am within and also I also must understand how facts are in this world and what is the difference and what is the 'surface' of conflict with what specific words, what specific actions triggering energies within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear existing for infinity, eternity as who and how I am today because exactly seeing that I am living in conflict, friction, what would be really unacceptable for ever and when seeing this point, as imagining compressing time and multiplying the very conflicts today I accept, then I have worry, more friction and doubt and within that not allowing myself to really understand this, the conditions, circumstances, consequences and realize the solution to stop, change myself in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I've defined infinity as myself floating in endless space and imagining creations, realities to participate within and while reacting and existing in this mind consciousness and believing that for really-long term it is just a simulation and virtualization and imagining myself within this endless, timeless, spaceless substance and considering my current life to that kind of 'perceived' experience, and then reacting with a motivation to better myself and change myself to try to transcend all here and as soon as possible experience myself into spaceless, limitless, timeless, infinite eternal beingness and never considering this as only an image and also this I imagine only for a specific mind-reaction and never questioning what is it and when specifically I image it and thus happening automatically without my direction.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I've defined infinity and eternity with repetition and emptiness, not realizing that within the mind these words can not be really grasped - only within actual direct REAL physical I can LIVE infinity and eternity thus whenever I define/imagine/think about it - it is not real, it is not me, so I realize the necessity to stop defining, start purifying the reactions and imaginations about it based on polarity.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I can assist and support myself with the words infinity and eternity with actually see what I do and accept myself existing within and without in regards to a point, a word and asking myself that "Can I accept myself as who I am today within Self-honesty through infinity?"

And if no, then I see what I require to change, specifically what I do requite to live out as change towards accepting myself as this point, in fact as decomposing this self-accepted relationship through thoughts/feelings/emotions and letting go these completely.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to walk the Process of Self-realization, Self-purification, Self-forgiveness, the Unification of Self I am comfortable with to walk within infinity as realizing this is who I am, yet with certain points, within my practical living I have the reaction and the worry about infinity as not wanting to remain so as I accept myself to be or not wanting to take responsibility for what I currently do for ever and thus realizing this reaction within me is actually assisting me to see what exactly I have separated myself from and what I must stop react to and live the correction as realizing that all I do is Self and all I participate within is in fact the Process of me as all as equal as one as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making decisions, especially when those are influencing other beings, because of the point of infinity, because of the worry of manifesting consequences for infinity and reacting with uncertainty and within that experience, allowing myself to become this experience instead of realizing the solution to see what it must be changed within me and then assist and support myself to plan and actually LIVE it as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that facing a point within my life what for I do not want or feeling as can not take responsibility for is in fact already a participation with physical consequence and if I allow myself to always, repeatedly, constantly go into reaction and defining myself as this reaction of 'feeling can't take responsibility or even if wanting fearing from falling', instead of seeing what practically this responsibility means and within common sense see what I can do and in fact what I really want and face that decision and live it within certainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for being able to make final decisions, to strive to find myself the way that I can decide what to do and what to take responsibility for in a way what I do not change my mind about and then allowing this becoming a desire instead of a practical plan and thus separating an image and likeness of me and actual facts here and thus giving my mind permission to perceive myself more and more separated from reality, in fact myself here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have manifested a polarity within me about the word 'infinity' as having a desire for it with certain things and also having a fear from it with certain things and thus never standing as equal as one but always in relationship with points what I am not standing within equality and oneness but separate from me and never realizing the solution to stop participate within each and live that stopping, expressing myself as direct clarity and if seeing currently not being able then investigating why and how to be able and live that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I've defined as fearful to chose a partner for 'infinity', meaning standing unconditionally with my decision, with my partner because of not being sure of my decision about her, not being sure about me, not being sure at all and never considering to walk the process for certainty but always accepting this reaction of 'not wanting to commit myself to' and within that in fact 'can not be able' and still 'wanting to' and thus creating friction and compounding reactions instead of stopping.

okay, more specifying will come

Live hangout about Self forgiveness:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYGBxrQxGBg

And about Self-correction:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0tF1IdRmJY

[JTL 136] Slowing down within part 1

Desteni I Process LITE free Course for Self

Re-establishing regular blogging.

To not write daily was not decision, the decision is to write continuously.

To prevent accumulation of self-acceptance I commit myself to walk the 7 years of Journey to Life. Find out more about Journey to Life here in this video:

So first: slowing down.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I am not slowed down within, I am not aware how the mind moves, influences, directs me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized when I am not aware how the mind moves as following it without question.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to slow down within until I am not aware how I give permission to the mind to influence, move me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized all the dimensions I am existing within what makes me move faster than being aware of what exactly I participate within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why I have the tendency to move fast within by energy, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to be possessed with the idea of moving fast, speeding up within based on a worry, fear that I do not move fast enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not differentiate moving within and as the mind and moving within and as the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not applied self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment when I am aware of that I exist as the mind, moving as the mind, meaning being lost within consciousness as ideas of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that what I really want is to stop participate in the mind requires constant, consistent application.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I can rest, stop applying from the inner slowing down, stopping to push, physically apply within the belief that I can exist within polarity of applying myself and then not instead of realizing that I can change to be the constant, consistent application of stopping.

This is not yet specific, I go down with the actual physical participations.

I commit myself to continue writing Journey to Life as it is supporting and assisting me and others as well to walk from the mind-starting point to actual physical life starting point.

I commit myself to walk through the points I see within myself as self-dishonesty what I take responsibility for to stop and correct within absolute Self-honesty.

The energetic experiences what to I react - to lack of energy and tiredness - not stopping what makes me tired in and as the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions but using thought patterns, reactions, feelings, emotions to feel energetic and overcome the already manifested energetic tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have not been allowed myself to be self-honest with myself to the degree to be able to see when I am as the physical is tired and when I am tired of the mind as self-definition as feeling lack of energy.

Also negative, positive: how much I give permission to the mind to feel good when something happens what I've defined as good.

For instance when someone smiles at me what I perceive as kindness, positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel positive and good when someone smiles at me by thinking, believing, feeling that I am being liked, I am good, I am alright regardless anything else than the fact that someone smiled at me, disregarding all other facts existing here.

Energetic tiredness from energy taking away from the body to the mind - and when feeling tired, wanting to 'extract' more energy from the body to the mind.

Energetic excitedness by entertainment, which is stimulation. Check the writing on Creation's Journey to Life about Stimulation to get perspective.

Within this end of december I allowed myself to go to the enertainment stimulation even with the price of disregarding commitments, which then I reacted to as a some sort of compressed energetic experience of shame which I've suppressed more with more entertainment, especially watching movie, playing computergame, going out with people and already being aware that by disregarding what I've decided to do deliberately will cause frustration and self-judgment.

Yet I was writing, not every day, but it was unfinished and the tendency to share only something which I value, see as some sort of 'perfect', so I did not share.

As Sunette pointed out recently, even when a point is not fully walked through - and to share that: is already movement, which I did not consider.

Also these points more likely seemed as random rantings as the next day I did not continue that point but wrote an other - which I did not fully walked through as well.

Self-correction on 'slowing down'

Starting with shame:

When and as I experience even the slightest shame, especially with the commitments I've decided myself to do and not doing so - I realize this will compound unless I stop reacting with shame which means I am exactly being aware what I should do, exactly being aware of what I do not do and judging myself with self-definition of shame instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that this is deliberate self-deception and will result to more shame and more self-judgment, more thought-pattern and inner reactions, frustrations, which will make me uncertain, unsure, doubtful and undermining self-trust.

When and as I am aware of which is the reason of shame within - I apply common sense and stop participating within what I react with self-judgment.

When and as I feel shame and not cool about not writing my Process blog within consistency, I realize the solution to stop the shame is to write my blog within consistency.

When and as I am not conistent within regular blogging, I stop judging myself, and I prevent creating shame by actually writing and sharing my blog.

When and as I worry, fear from being not understood, judged by those who do not wallk Process of Self-forgiveness, I realize this is actually assisting and supporting me and others within realizing responsibility to stop inner reactions, emotions and fears and focus to practical living, to be able to take responsibility for ourselves and others around us as well.

When and as I worry and fear from not having enough time to write my blog within consistency, I realize I fear from not doing something which is less priority my blogging, so I should schedule it and do it with self-direction without any inner judgment.

When and as I see/realize I accept and allow self-judgment - I am within in fear from not changing myself but energetically stimulating by separation of judging, judged, judgment and try to manipulate myself by the energetic experience to motivate me which is unnecessary and slow and in fact not practical.

When and as I see myself judging my writing and my blogging - I realize it is not self-honest, I stop the judgment and understand why I judged and I stop myself and breathe here.

I commit myself to slow down to a degree within to be able to be aware of all breaths, each, every single one and things coming up making me busy within to focus and react to - I investigate, understand and forgive and stop.

I commit myself to write my blog as much as I can, but at least weekly three, even when the post is not fully walked through, but sharing the movement and accumulating consistency.

I commit myself to take time to review myself within in terms of resistances and my relationship to commitment of blogging and vlogging(which is for the same reason) and use common sense and practical application to make physically able to write it and publish.

When and as I see that I have so much resistance to actually not share something - I share the fact that I have resistance for sharing and sharing that walk I walk through all resistances.

I will continue with commitments and self-forgiveness on slowing down within and on my prejudices about principled living vs delusion of freedom in relation to energy.

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[JTL 135] Resistance to change for driving

Within learning new skills I find Self-forgiveness extremely assisting within realizing and releasing the patterns which block the new skills to be effectively learned.

Currently: learning driving car in traffic.

There are some points I specifically 'address' such as fear from causing accident which originates from childhood memories when I have been slightly hit by car and similar situations when I reacted.

As well I've always defined myself as not being fully present and accepting myself so was obvious that within driving I have to be present and directive all the time which I've defined I am not really capable of, more specifically: not even wanted so.

After started Desteni I Process, I realized the key is constant and consistent presence here and that starts through writing, Self-forgiveness, Self-changing within understanding, I've seen throughout the years that I am changing, I am becoming more calm, present and comfortable being here which brought the possibility to learn driving.

Another aspect is that I always feeded 'negative' reactions towards cars, specifically their stink so not really wanted to 'have' the responsibility to make the city to be more stinky, especially when seeing infants with mother and feeling the smog usually made me react to become angry and thinking it is not fair and I'd rather just wait for having car until it is not fueled by petrol.

That was an other layer to walk through and see what is common sense and what is self-deception in order to not needing to change to be able to trust myself for not causing accidents.

Also for some decades I've programmed myself to completely ignore traffic signs and not being aware of the traffic which now I am stopping as well.

So let's open it up with Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, define myself as not present, not being here, always flying, always daydreaming, constantly reacting, thinking, feeling which accumulates me to not being aware of what is here around me because of the constant occupation within my mind who I defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my deliberate avoidance of being present here by believing who I am according to thoughts, feelings, emotions which I've defined worthy and cool to be occupied with, focus to and identify myself and not realizing that I am missing what is here, only perceiving it through the self-definitions, judments, reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is alright and cool to occupy myself with thoughts, feelings, emotions within the self-accepted belief that it is required to operate within society, and to survive, to earn money I have to use and become the mind and never realizing that this is fear and based on fear I sacrifice my silence, innocence and actual presence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fearing from responsibility does not solves the point, rather I build resistance, reasoning to avoid it based on justifications and excuses and allowing myself to express so: I am not the directive principle here, I am only reacting automatically what I have accepted to become through the years I've been participating within the mind and never considering common sense to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as avoiding responsibility towards points what I've defined I am not capable of and I am currently unable to stand for and never considering the possibility to stop myself, change myself and actually explore what it means to be responsible for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within allowing resistance towards cars, driving cars, participating within traffic: I am not self-honest as I do not see WHY I resist, I do not ask the question of HOW to stop resisting, WHAT I fear losing, which I do not stop, so allowing becoming the resistance equal as one and then identifying the resistance with who I am so then I do not have to wake up from my belief system to face all the fears I've allowed to influence, direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear harming others, killing others accidentally when I am not present, when I am thinking, when I am reacting and rather avoiding the situations where this could happen than disciplining and changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that allowing myself to accept any fear I will become the starting point of fear and by that I will manifest myself who I am as starting point, no matter what I do - the fear I allow to direct me, instead of investigation, writing, stopping, forgiving, letting go unconditionally which is possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be present all the time in the traffic as defining it as tyring, exhausting, boring, meanwhile I could do some other things for instance when travelling with bus - I can read or just watch the landscape without considering the traffic - "somebody else does that, it is not my responsibility" so then I do not have to face the fact that I avoid participating within traffic because of the fears I accepted and allowed to be part of my self-definition since childhood which I've defined as myself and never considered to stop and change.

To be continued...

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[JTL 134] Political forces Self-forgiveness

Most in my life I avoided politics, pre-defined it as not cool.

It is time to walk through these false pre-conceptions and re-align my definition of politics with life.

Walking Desteni I Process have assisted me to be able to study many areas within human systems, not only my past, my mind, my self-dishonesty but external systems as well.

There are great sources from one can start un-learn the pre-programmed bullshit from media, family and break the fear and start changing - and really learning how the systems what rule humanity actually work.

• http://warnomore.wordpress.com/
• http://livingincomeguaranteed.wordpress.com/
• http://livingincome.me/
• http://economistjourneytolife.blogspot.hu/

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how politics work and how influence my life directly.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that political vote is a power what is being used for political forces around the globe but these political forces do not stand for all life equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and hope that the system stands and works for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe or perceive that I have human rights which is maintaned by anything.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that human right does not exist until anyone is being disregarded, rejected, killed in the name of anything, especially anyone else's human right.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I was simply lucky for birthing in a system within a family who had money, could maintain the poverty line and in fact many are unlucky for birthing in a situation wherein there is no any support, no food, no money.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the political system is creating/allowing other systems on earth which disregard life, abuse life, destroy life in the name of itself such as economy, military, media.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that using or not using my One Man - One Vote is all my political Right I can have within the current system.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I had judments about politics and based on those judments I missed what politics is really and did not see how and why I judged it automatically without understanding myself or the political system itself, only experiencing my own self-judgments towards politics.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that politics is an other manifestation of human existence on earth and separating myself from it, denying it or ignoring it does not exclude me from it's manifestations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame politics, political systems for being responsible for my- and other-s suffering.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that as politics is being used for voting for parties which do not stand for life, there could be political force what stands for life, all life equally.

I forgive myself that I have never ever realized the common sense to have a political force, party which can stand, stands and will stand for all life equally and will not be mesmerized, obsessed or stimulated by consciousness systems but always prioritizing first physical facts.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my mind as I grasp, define, think, react, energize, feel and become emotional - then I am not here, I am of the energetic mind, which can not be trusted as it is just an experience what do not lasts.

I forgive myself that I have never considered what practically means to be able to support political forces which can and do stand and act for all life.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that my judgments towards politics, definitions, thoughts, reactions, emotions - are my creations and I can stop those by being self-honest and see the reason and forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that politics is also a point what exists here as myself equally.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from going to politics because of the immerse corruption which I feared from being influenced, fear of falling, fear of loss, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that knowing myself means I know what are my strengths and weaknesses and within seeing that I can prepare myself to stand and decide to stand unconditionally for all life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that re-birthing politics as Life do require physical action, group-participation and practical application and by judging the current politics and waiting it for change will not solve anything so unless I do not move myself personally here - it will not become Life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any personal, spiritual, human development is absolutely useless and invalid if the person is unable to grasp the most practical common sense possible solutions, which would be the end of poverty, starvation, war, slavery, sexual- and child abuse. Until one is unable to face these things in a practical mannerism - is still walking only personal process, not interpersonal, not universal.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is imperative to develop a clear mind, a trust-able self and a consistent presence.

Otherwise one is facing memories, thoughts, not 'here'-ing what is going on directly.

I forgive myself that I have never considered politics, political forces as a solution for all before because being constantly busy, occupied within my head, mind with thoughts, feelings, emotions.

to be continued...

[JTL 132] Letting go Self-definitions from childhood films, movies

Continuing on the 7 Years of Journey to Life

Movie mind, what I have thought originally from movies as a child:

That man has to fight for woman and woman go to money and power and man go to beauty.
That man has to behave in order to have woman.
That man has to make sacrifice to have woman.
That woman are for keeping the race up and running with pleasure.

I can do extraordinary things physically - if needed - not really - one slip and one steeps for a month.
Extraordinary not means stupid and reckless.
Extraordinary with common sense.
Step by step, accumulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form ideas how a man should behave or woman should behave according to films, movies, series and thinking that is the role model for me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that even when not thinking that there is a role model for me on tv,movies - I experience it just as experiencing any living thing and then from my mind it is not difference that it is a memory from my own life or a memory watching it on screen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave, and do things what I have defined/thought as civilized in order to get women's attention, friendship, partership and only holding myself back within the belief that it is required to 'get' the woman just as in the movie, tv.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back in any way whatsoever in order to get something and not realizing that the compromise I make and become instead of just live opportunities directly without value, definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, define and believe that women are for keeping mankind surviving and reproducing while man can have pleasure with woman or at least seeing and getting this idea from family, system, movies, films somehow.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any definition, picture what I automatically do judge and react to is a reflection from my past trying to superimpose reality with opinion.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that each participants, such as women are equal part of the system and to use them as subject means I am not able to stand as equal as the system therefore I am inferior within the system in regards to it's whole.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that anything I react I can learn to do automatically within the believe that it is me meanwhile it is of thoughts, feelings, emotions energy of the mind which I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always turn my center focus to the woman being present as the most desireable, most valuable and attractive for me and behaving in relation to my thoughts about her and not realizing that by this I am not here as free but as of self-judgment, self-doubt, fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can do extraordinary things physically without common sense and not realizing that the physical is the real and it's laws are here constantly and within the rush and energy of experience forgetting all the wounds, mistakes I've made and then became injured - or thinking about these injuries and that's why not doing something, not because of common sense but because of fear from injury - so both ways: disregarding physical while going to opinion, worry, expectation, fear or recklessness, stupidity, foolishness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when I do need, I can do extraordinary and defining myself like that and by that and using it as an excuse for not doing the utmost I can in every moment by thinking 'when I need, I can do more, but this time I do not need' - and manipulating myself into energetic states instead of directly living here undefined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the most common sensical, practical way to accumulate is to act within consistency and not with energy but directly as physical.


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[JTL 130] Childhood desires from Movies, TV

 
Still decomposing TV, Movie - related mind activities to slow down, prevent and let go completely.
(see previous posts)

Read Journey to Life Blogs daily: https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

What is Journey to Life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am and what I want to do from movies, TV Series and defining it as a source from who I can learn who I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live life as pictured in movies, TV films, comparing to how I perceive my life with the things I see on the screen and defining that desirable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the TV, Movie films are idealized and completely result of imaginacion and not related how real life is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire things to have when I was kid and did not enjoy my life, to dream about fullfilling myself with the things I've seen in movies and TV what I've defined as cool, as I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after having a hydroplane and fly over the ocean between islands just because I've seen it in movies, first time in a Bud Spencer movie and wanting to have that feeling to be able to just fly around among tropical islands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being able to fly around tropical islands with a hydroplane as power, as richness, as fullfillment, as interesting and always dreaming about it and in fact never doing anything to manifest so it is purely an imagination to escape from what is here when compared to what I experience currently versus what I want to experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the temptation of the mind to feel, energize, think, visualize, imagine about things, points, events, objects, women what I've seen in movies, TV films and thinking about these as possible, preferable things to do if I would have the opportunity and never realizing that it is not who I really am but who I allowed myself to be programmed.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that to see something in a film, movie is alright but to be obsessed with what I see and think abouot it all the time is self-dishonesty as meanwhile more and more disregarding what I am currently within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, define that it is alright to allow such childhood desires and imagination within myself believing that it is part of myself and never considering the possibility that it was of fear, it was of separation when I allowed it to possess me, a feeling, an energetic experience what I have became addicted to re-and re-experience when things are tough where and as I live physically to have an experience of 'feeling good' to balance out the actually self-induced, manifested experience of 'feeling bad'.

I forgive myself that I have never ever considered to see/uderstand/realize that when I have an experience of 'feeling bad' - that it is not about how to balance out, to occupy myself with 'feeling good' as an automatic response but to see within, investigate, question myself that what is the reason that I have concluded to the point of 'feeling bad' and to PREVENT it is the solution without any inner reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire lot of things what I've seen from movies and wanting to, desiring to experience, just once in a lifetime at least to have a feeling that 'I am living' and not realizing, actually never understanding that 'really living' is not related to copy and experience things what I've seen in TV, Movies and defined as 'that is life' while comparing to what I 'live' as not really life and having the polarity and wanting to change the energetic charge, the feel of this self-judgment of 'how is my life'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories with feelings associated to automatically come up within me without questioning and define and experience as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about memories, desires, what I've formed from movies, films and defining that as myself directly and not slowing down to a degree to be here and see that when I use that feeling and memory - I am not aware what is here, what is in and as my human physical body so it is a form of disregard what I define as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and become anxious when feeling like I have to give up all desires what I've formed since my childhood based on TV, Movies and not realizing that these are patterns what I've held onto to have an experience of feeling positive when I had the negative experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the existence 'system' works like I have to let go the 'subject' of my desire and for that I will get it anyway - and not realizing that I am trying to manipulate my feelings of what I want and hope that I get it some way I am not directing and never realizing that it is a feeling of hope what is energetically stimulating me to not act immediately, but wait, be positive.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I really want I have to do it myself directly, without hesitation, judgment and fear.

I forgive myself that I have never seen/realized/understood the common sense to stop the feelings towards what I want to experience in this life and actually let everything go and remain here as the 'I' simply being here without any knowledge, information, memory to define who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to get free of everything I experience as my limitation is simply let go everything I've defined and react automatically to.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within fear from not being able to fullfill, live and experience my life as who I've defined myself to want to live - I actually block myself into not act but feel in the mind with thoughts, energies and while being occupied like that - I am actually manifesting the pattern of not manifesting what I fear from not manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my personality has formed based on desires from my early age and because I am not fully aware of all the desires, worries, fears - it is still of and as me as suppressed and stored in and as the mind what automatically uses it to reflect back equal as one my starting point as who I manifested myself to be until becoming aware of the pattern, understanding the conditions and be able to let it go, not react, forgive, stop, delete and remove from my beingness and remain here, undefined, physical directly.

When and as I experience a dream, desire to come up, or remembering a wish from childhood - I stop and I stop it and I see where it comes from and is it of movies, films I've seen and formed a reaction of I need that? And I let it go and I remain here - I realize the pattern and I prevent next time to come up by not reacting to it this time.

When and as I experience desire as separation but devotion to experience it - I realize I have allowed myself to define myself based on feelings, thoughts so I stop and re-align myself with being here, physical, direct, disregarding thoughts, feelings, emotions and I breathe - slowly but surely and I bring myself fully here by realizing that desire is of fear from past and I am here.

When and as I desire things what I have defined as I need to live, have, fullfill when I was child or younger - I realize in that particular time I have experienced the mind as my starting point and within that the separation, the polarity and the positive and negative was not real, but of judgments, comparison and fear so I stand here and I let it go and I focus to what is here.

I commit myself to stop defining, desiring myself based on, according to movies, tv films and all what I've seen as cool, preferable, I need that, this is who I am judgments coming up - I stop and I let it go and I remain undefined.

I commit myself to investigate all desires, fears, reactions within what I am unable to immediately directly understand, stop: to see how I have manifested such self-definition what comes up automatically and I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction to stop it as stopping myself to go 'in there' as feeling, thought and I stand here within breathing.

I commit myself to prevent myself to have desires and judgments, reactions, hopes when seeing movie tv from now on and whenever I feel like 'that's cool, I want that' - I realize it is automatic and I slow down and I use common sense - is it really practical and I want to be?

I commit myself to stop experiences to define who I am and forget myself and presence in and as experience - I breathe and I slow down within and I participate within experience, I am experience but I am not of experience - I am presence, here, breathing and experiences will come and go and I remain consistent.

[JTL 122] Self-forgiveness : Action Film - TV Mind part 9

 Continuing with the TV-Mind series from the last post: stopping mind-reactions towards action movies.

• [JTL 121] Decomposing: Action Flim - TV Mind part 8

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define action movie interesting because within action movie there are anger, emotions, fear, loss, bravery, vengeance what I defined as worth to investigate, watch, react to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become automatically addicted to action movies, fist and weapon fights and arms usage and bombs and never realizing it is not real, but to stimulate people and in fact this happens with people in reality and never considered that it is not that funny and cool, even when it is recorded in a visually cool way - it is still violence, I watch and react to and accept and program myself to react to violence with acceptance and reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and my reactions to not need to experience those as myself, to not need to face points I am dealing with and the suppression compounds and then seeing people letting off steam with violence I react with fascination and excitement and that is of mind energy of fear and desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as thinker, philosopher, not as the man of action and by that definition judging people who act immediately and directly as action men and creating a polarity of definitions in the mind based on how much and who is more likely action-based or thought-based and creating such a perception within me wherein seeing myself as thinker who rather thinks than acts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted to action movies because within those people are capable of dealing with physical expereinces such as fighting, protecting, working hard and by watching them and reacting to those is similar how I react when I directly experience things - only the 'knowing' is different, that I know that it is not me but the action movie hero who moves and acts like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define action that something is what requires only when I have problems and something must be changed as it is now judged as bad and I have to act to stop it and recover what was before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being myself here and going into experiences of feeling power of action movies and by that feel of power, actually feeling good, positive, energetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with action movie characters and feeling like I could be similar if I could choose different points in my life so I can be hero, action hero as well who is powerful and can get what he wants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to not think but act all the time so then becoming powerful and strong because defined myself as weak compared to action movie heroes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define someone as cool who can hurt and destruct and kill efficiently, artistically, smartly, calmly and humorously and wanting to see it to act more and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy violence, watching violence, reacting to violence and feel the violence depicted on TV, Movies and never considering that it imprints fear and people copy that and reproduce it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that life is just like being depicted in action movies: one needs to be strong and powerful and then gets the money and woman, what two for is worth fighting for, even against other humans.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that action movies are psychopatic and insane and to watch those I am being influenced, stimulated, programmed to accept and copy violence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to watch action movies wherein people fight in a nice way, such as martial arts, kung fu or shootings what is depicted in a visually perfect way and forgeting about what it is about: violence and destruction, money, power, hate and separation.

I forgive myself that I have never considered how boring action movies are by seeing that mostly all of them are about box, kung fu, pistols, machine guns, blades or bows, bombs, cars, choppers and airplanes, money, drug and politicians and of course women who are striving for action heroes and never realizing that these are from the unconscious based on definitions of fear and desire according to power.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and why I react within my mind when watching action movie - and not being able to - and never even considering to slow down to a degree within myself and let everything go and remain here empty, breathing to see/realize/understand that what I experience during action movie is the mind - and I am just reacting to the mind, through the mind based on definitions, memories, judgments, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to awe people who are able to be very powerful in terms of fighting and destructing, killing and defining it as value worth living for and not realizing that these are ideas from the mind, and real people who are killing are not necessarily cool, adorable figures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adore violence in any way whatsoever.

I forgive mysef that I have not allowed myself to realize that experiencing and reacting to action movie is the stimulation of the mind and if I am reacting in and as the mind - I, as being, as Life force is not here expressing but suppressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy blood, gore, decapitation and dismemberment if depicted visually as something interesting, nice and reacting it with disgust while enjoying the ride of reactions what movies, tv shows draw in terms of the 'story' what I am addicted to watch through, whatever is happening in and as reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define watching movies and TV series as important and value in my life and not realizing that without these I could live my life without needing to watch any action movie, any violence, any tension on screen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what is good in action movie and when seeing something, then defining it as cool such as woman with sword or kid with guns or arms attached to a body part etc - and never seeing that definition is not me but of external influences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply self-forgiveness unconditionally while reacting, seeing myself reacting to movies, tv series wherein there is violence and I react with excitement, fear, worry, tension, content or any feeling, emotion or any thought.

I commit myself to stop the devotion to action movies, films and stop the need for watch and see violence to experience my reactions.

I commit myself to investigate all my currently accepted relationships towards action movies, violence, destruction to see how to practically stop any automatic reaction.

I commit myself to remain here, empty, breathing, physical presence while seeing, experiencing, watching action movie, violence, destruction without judging it, without being petrified, without being excited, simply remain directive, present, fully here.

I commit myself to investigate and stop all suppressions within myself and stop the definitions of reasons why I have to suppress what I defined as not good for me - instead of stopping that directly as myself and prevent the suppression and emotions.

I commit myself to let go the strive for wanting to watch action heroes in movies, tv who are capable of kill, fight, destruct.

When and as I experience myself reacting with anger, frustration, content, worry, excitedness or any emotion, feeling towards action movies, violence or aggression - I realize it is a movie, it is not real, I am here, I am real.

When and as I think that I should watch an action movie - I consider why I need such experience, what is the reason for needing to watch violence?

When and as I realize it is not important to watch action movie then I do not watch it, priorities are more important than watching movies yet it does not mean never watch movie but first things first.

When and as I want to become powerful, strong, great and want to feel like I can direct others and myself - I realize this I can be if I let go the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions by walking Journey to Life blogs, Desteni I Process and apply Self-forgivenes within consistency as the Living Self-honesty.

When and as I feel like I desire after power, money, woman - I realize these are not what I desire but what these means to me I am experiencing myself separated from through the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions - so I stop the desire, separation by stopping the mind step by step.

[JTL 121] Decomposing: Action Flim - TV Mind part 8

Action: power, being powerful, brute force, anger, emotions, fear, loss, bravery, vengeance

Continuing on the previously mentioned words to decompose the relationships existing within consciousness through words what I exist in relation to separation.

 Ranting and raving on: action movie.

Action: Thinking all of the time of my childhood - action I did not much - but mostly daydreaming - and action always seemed like something what is the end result, the consequence - if well planned, not even interesting.

This was the self-definition - but obviously did not work as in reality action matters, not thinking.

So then to act, to move, to do things was my desire to be able to - with confidence, power, discipline.

Action movies represent a point of being already consequence, everything is clear, obvious and I am simply acting.

Also the definition action was first to equate the system back to it's 'normal' way - to sort out problems for instance need to eat - i must act - but first the hunger.

Also when being bullied - first the frustration, then by that the conclusion to do something and then stand up.

So there is always an action while I am stopped, I am just 'mind', 'daydreaming' - while I react, I define my reaction and I compute the response and then by that I conclude into action.

That whole process was not practical, so then I ended up not really acting, not really being the man of action.

But then still wanted to be - and comparing myself towards those who are noticeable within their action.

Of course within films - there are actors who talk - and there are who rather act - drive the car, hit an other, steal something or even kill - grabs the woman or traps others: that action I liked because I enjoyed seeing and trying to learn from action.

So watching efficiency, effectiveness was like an education - wanted to see perfection - in fighting, in killing, in anything they do - and within action movies it is brutally effective, efficient.

That seemed like a joy to embrace - to see Rambo kill a dozen of soldiers with a machinegun - looks like very direct action, no wonder around.

So then when I watch an action movie - I do not act - I react - but by watching action - identifying with the experience of the action - while not being the action yet feel the reaction to it - felt like complimentary.

Also how I suppressed anger, frustration, depression, worry, desires everything into my system just to be calm, kind - it wants to come out, wants to be exploded, wants to come out raw - fastest way possible to let go off the steam.

And action movies do that - so much things happen 'physically' and to see an explosion, a white light with great sounds - just can be feeling like expressing the suppression.

I've watched so much action Movies, TV series - wherein there is conflict and they resolve it with aggression, brute force, physical power, technological advance, smartness, team work or simply luck - but they overcome and win and it concludes in the feel of release, success.

Identified with these abilities to be able to move, fight exceptionally - which is available for the ones who wants to learn, like martial arts - but that needs to be practiced for a lifetime - and that I did not want - I just wanted the experience.

And seeing these depicted people as extraordinary and identify with them and just to feel that I can do anything, just like them - to hit and kill, take anything and do whatever they want.

Experience of being powerful I guess mostly it is about action movies - the danger, the sense of fear and hope what feels interesting, fascinating.

Self-forgiveness and Self-correction will continue here

[JTL 115] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 2

Continuing with the topic of

• [JTL 114] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 1 

Related Journey to Life BLOG posts:

• http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/search/label/tv

• What is TV for you- Education or Stimulation?

First I am going to walk through the patterns of dreams and imaginations and desires for superpowers I've created since childhood.
Starting with childhood, not even directly about TV series but it is related with that - on the way how the MIND moves while I as the being is STOP-ped - so I MOVE myself backwards here THROUGH the layers of memories, thoughts, feelings, reactions and I DECOMPOSE, RELEASE, REMOVE all the connections, relationships what is in my current phase of my life is not necessary, such as positive and negative polarities and duality of the mind - I am clear that I can live without the prison of the mind - direct, physical presence as the Living Flesh - through and as the Living Words - so I walk through the Layers of Consciousness as Words and I Forgive everything unconditionally. This is simple, this is who I am, this is what is here.

As a kid - I've experienced myself as small, thin, inferior, weak, poor and by that I was frustrated, angry because I had to do repetitive, robotic and quite limited things because of lack of money, because of teachers, because of grownups fears, because of my own fear and I felt myself really uncertain and anxious but that would made me emotional - however being emotional seemed really as a weakness, a real MAN is never emotional, always firm and stable - so I did not go into emotions much - rather I've suppressed it and built layer upon layer of definitions, justifications, excuses and blame of why I am the one who with is being screwed, innocently, and that felt like a negative experience so I daydreamed, focused to stories, tales wherein there were people who were better, more smart, more unique, more special and I reacted to those things with positive reactions.

Cartoons, comic books, fantasy and science fiction even horror were mostly the areas I've went into - not just the mainstream of Lord of the Rings and Star Wars but some darker ones as well such as Lovecraft's Cthulhu Myth and Alien stuff - I've read so much fiction that many times I was not even aware of my physical - wherein I was growing up in a little village with my poor family while I had to work at home for instance cutting wood for making fire, provide for animals such as chicken, pigs and I always did that as work for have my entertainment time to 'fly' with my fantasy worlds. Later on came in computer with gaming and programming but reading and daydreaming remained for quite long - and we watched TV, we had VCR and I watched so much stuff, violent ones and erotic ones as well meanwhile I did not even considered doing things in real - as I was closed, suppressive, internalizing until the end of high school when I realized I can actually go into interaction with women and things what I dreamed about, mostly danger and excitement first with rebelling and anarchy and some tendency to self-destruction as well.

So that was the phase I mostly formed my personality towards what I currently have with TV Series and Movies.

Let's walk here.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining who I experience myself to be in this moment and having the fear remaining of who I am today, I will ever be.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am little, small, thin, physically weak in comparison to grownups and other kids therefore feeling inferior, insignificant and fearing from remaining so until the end of times.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in a way what is based on any polarity in regards to positive and negative and never ever realizing/seeing/understanding that polarity has always two sides - positive and negative and if I go into any of these - I manifest and create and being responsible the outcome of it just the opposite so then by that starting point I am missing myself because I move in the realm of the mind while I am not here.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself towards other people and defining according to definitions, polarities, using physical size, using opinion and fear to measure who I am and defining myself according to my reactions towards my definitions without questioning myself or others with common sense.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family, the system, humanity, government, my mother, my father and my grandma, grandpa for being poor, for not having money, for needing to work and survive and do things what felt uncomfortable, tiresome and feeling inferior and hopeless when realizing that with out lot of money this is all what we can have.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and angry for what I have to do and experience as a child in terms of surviving and working with animals and the environment to have warmth, food and comparing my conditions to those who have money and simply can buy these things without needing to do anything.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having emotions is weakness and as a real man I should always have clear and clinical mind to be able to always use logic and that is who I am otherwise I would be fogged out with emotions and feelings what I've seen in parents, grownups and within the fear of becoming like them I wanted to separate myself from feelings, emotions.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being lost within the reactions what I've defined as negative and dark and uncomfortable and wanting to polarize, equalize that with feeling positive, having reactions within associated with good and defining who I am according to what I've defined as good, positive.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to define myself as positive and as good, as unique, as exceptional, as unusual as I could, regarding to what I read, what I've seen in cartoons, movies, TV, books, comics and defining that as more interesting, fascinating than my real physical life wherein all I had to do is learn from the system, work for having things and the real fun always seemed just when I was able to daydream, fantasize, read and watch, react and re-experience realms, events, dimensions, worlds and experiences what seemed as more positive, interesting, free and powerful.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as a reward for working and positive and defining these two within polarity such as work as negative for the experience of entertainment as positive.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thinking and thought-patterns to stimulate myself by reacting to words and images with positive and negative energies and using that constantly to accumulate feelings and energetic experiences of positive of entertainment to suppress reactions defined as negative of physical-related experiences of work, commitments and participations.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define reading, watching cartoons, videos, series as interesting, fascinating because in the moment I do that - I am in fact not working, I am in the phase of positive, which means I am not in the phase of negative, so then already it feels good, whatever I do in the starting point of entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from acknowledging the fact that within entertainment I escape from physical reality in order to avoid facing facts and my already existing energetic reaction definition-based thought-memory-personality patterns of negative in order to focus to positive, to accumulate positive and never considering the realization that this is denial, this is refusal of who I really am in and as physical reality.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word ENTERTAINMENT with positive, with feeling of release, feel of reward, feel of letting go steam, feel of good and escape from reality.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic experience of entertainment, to the reactions towards my existing relationships to the word, to the actions based on entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as who I am and as a way for giving myself positive and defining who I am as somebody who needs positive, requires to experience positive.
• I forgive myself that I have never considered the strive and need, actually the addiction towards feeling positive as why it is existing and what is the starting point for that and who I am as lack of and missing to the experience of positive.
• I forgive myself that I have never ever questioned what is actually means as 'positive' and what I define and react as 'positive' and why.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically accept the feeling positive without questioning it how I've manifested and have been created to be this man who I am today with my existing relationship with the word 'positive', the feeling of 'positive', the associations of 'positive' and the memories, reactions, feelings of 'positive'.
• I forgive myself that I have never considered to slow down within by and as myself without any substance, without any external stimulus to the degree of being able to see the actual creation of 'positive' reactions within me and be able to understand it's relationship with 'negative' and seeing that aspect of the equation, the whole, entire picture, dimension, matrix of my personality.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to suppress the reactions of negative and defining feeling negative as bad and defining feeling positive as good and building up myself according to this rule without being aware of all of these is a misunderstanding of who I am and by that who I actually am not.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my physical reality living as not interesting, looping, repeating and boring compared to the stories within books, comics, TV, Movies wherein it's all seem to be fascinating, unusual, unreal, more free and everything possible.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my physical living as negative and defining the experiences through entertainment of imagination and reactions towards the comics, books, TV, Movies as positive.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and identify myself with the experiences I have and the energetic state of the experience such as positive and negative.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experience, fear from consequence of experience because defining experience as more than myself here by allowing it to influence, direct, control me by my own created and accepted automatic reactions towards each experience without questioning, realizing that I am the source here.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define books, movies, stories, fantasy, science fiction, TV series as more interesting and more fascinating than my physical living and defining as more important than considering what is physically here by defining experience as more important than facts.
• I forgive myself that I have never considered that who I am today is of the influence of positive and negative experiences and none of it is real and as my starting point of the polarity of the mind as separation from what is here is of the mind and not real - who I am as starting point in this physical is not real meanwhile what I actually do here is real.
• I forgive myself that I have not considered to live directly here without daydreaming, fantasizing and actually living myself directly without the need for separation, escape and strive for positive by facing the reason of escape from the experience of negative and investigate negative and realize it is not real just as the positive reaction based on only opinion, memory, image, picture, based on fear, based on desire, based on books, comics, TV and Movies.

• I commit myself to decompose all positive and negative aspects of my mind, my perceived life and realize all of opinion, of fear, of desire in the starting point of separation of what is here as physical reality.
• I commit myself to face reality here and embrace it as who I really am and let go all opinions and all reactions of positive and negative and stop escaping from facts with thoughts, feelings, emotions, daydreaming, memories, stories.
• I commit myself to investigate the experience of 'positive' and 'negative' and align myself with direct physical experience and disregard definitions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, opinions of the mind.
• I commit myself to stop fearing from experience and realizing that experience is of myself but I am not experience - experience is just an experience - will not last - I am the physical, flesh, breathing, action, expression.
• I commit myself to stop the tendency to avoid negative experience, to question the definitions of 'negative' and see the whole construct of polarity and stop both sides and embrace and unify everything here as presence as undefined expression as Living.
• I commit myself to purify myself through Self-forgiveness with and as Words and become the Living Flesh here directly as the Living Words as equal as one as I say, as I act, as I live within oneness and equality.
• I commit myself to re-align myself through and as Words as All as One as Equal as Life here in and as the Physical.
• I commit myself to stop the addiction to positive, stop the addiction to entertainment and stop the addiction to the mind.
• I commit myself to stop the polarity of work as negative versus entertainment as positive.
• I commit myself to enjoy whatever I do as self-direction within the starting point of direct expression without the mind and re-defining myself according to what is best for all.

to be continued