Continuing on the previously mentioned words to decompose the relationships existing within consciousness through words what I exist in relation to separation.
Ranting and raving on: action movie.
Action: Thinking all of the time of my childhood - action I did not much - but mostly daydreaming - and action always seemed like something what is the end result, the consequence - if well planned, not even interesting.
This was the self-definition - but obviously did not work as in reality action matters, not thinking.
So then to act, to move, to do things was my desire to be able to - with confidence, power, discipline.
Action movies represent a point of being already consequence, everything is clear, obvious and I am simply acting.
Also the definition action was first to equate the system back to it's 'normal' way - to sort out problems for instance need to eat - i must act - but first the hunger.
Also when being bullied - first the frustration, then by that the conclusion to do something and then stand up.
So there is always an action while I am stopped, I am just 'mind', 'daydreaming' - while I react, I define my reaction and I compute the response and then by that I conclude into action.
That whole process was not practical, so then I ended up not really acting, not really being the man of action.
But then still wanted to be - and comparing myself towards those who are noticeable within their action.
Of course within films - there are actors who talk - and there are who rather act - drive the car, hit an other, steal something or even kill - grabs the woman or traps others: that action I liked because I enjoyed seeing and trying to learn from action.
So watching efficiency, effectiveness was like an education - wanted to see perfection - in fighting, in killing, in anything they do - and within action movies it is brutally effective, efficient.
That seemed like a joy to embrace - to see Rambo kill a dozen of soldiers with a machinegun - looks like very direct action, no wonder around.
So then when I watch an action movie - I do not act - I react - but by watching action - identifying with the experience of the action - while not being the action yet feel the reaction to it - felt like complimentary.
Also how I suppressed anger, frustration, depression, worry, desires everything into my system just to be calm, kind - it wants to come out, wants to be exploded, wants to come out raw - fastest way possible to let go off the steam.
And action movies do that - so much things happen 'physically' and to see an explosion, a white light with great sounds - just can be feeling like expressing the suppression.
I've watched so much action Movies, TV series - wherein there is conflict and they resolve it with aggression, brute force, physical power, technological advance, smartness, team work or simply luck - but they overcome and win and it concludes in the feel of release, success.
Identified with these abilities to be able to move, fight exceptionally - which is available for the ones who wants to learn, like martial arts - but that needs to be practiced for a lifetime - and that I did not want - I just wanted the experience.
And seeing these depicted people as extraordinary and identify with them and just to feel that I can do anything, just like them - to hit and kill, take anything and do whatever they want.
Experience of being powerful I guess mostly it is about action movies - the danger, the sense of fear and hope what feels interesting, fascinating.
Self-forgiveness and Self-correction will continue here