[JTL 133] Energy from resistance within hope

I do not have anything particular today to write about in this moment.

Today I will have an exam about traffic rules what I did not fully prepare for - I have learned quite some and I investigate here why I did not ensure the perfect knowing for the exam. My sister passed flawlessly and expects me to do similar and for me it is just an exam to go through in order to start learning driving car. Obviously I have to learn the rules to not make mistakes but somehow everyone says it is easy and no problem while I experience lack of motivation to learn it hours after hours, rather than I learn some and I try the exam and then if did not succes, then learn some more and try it again.

Seems like a hope that without lot of learning time I might pass and if so then it worths the try, otherwise I will try again, no rush here.

That is an interesting pattern, it can occur with things - that I start it and then I do not lose motivation, as I still want it - but I am not fully dedicated, the absolute commitment is not consistent for driving tests.

So it is a hope that without the practical application of consistent accumulation I will still get what I want, even when seeing that this is required for it.

With the hope that I am smart enough, I will get lucky for the right questions in the test, I might figure it out, and I do not have to do it the hard way, meaning sitting and learning each answer properly.

Will investigate this pattern more.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how and why I manifest patterns what is not effective and allowing resistance towards understanding, investigating resistances within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistances within me and not realizing what I resist will persist.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to reckognize the pattern that I do not move directly but accumulate energy of tension about what I defined as important and then judging myself according to the action done versus importance of doing it as it should do and feeling conflicted, frictioned and by that accumulating energy with what wanting to engage it right, meaning after failing first, getting the energy of I need to learn more so by that actually do what was obvious from the first moment as requirement, but still allowing hope for not learning everything properly first of maybe I can skip it yet get what I want.