Friday, May 31, 2013

[JTL 52] Stop the fear from Self-direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I fear from losing inherently within resonantly what makes me energetic and by that energy I confront this anxiety of fear to fight over and dominate and push down the fear with apparently great bravery of confronting within - without even being self-honest of how and why I manifest the fear from losing and considering to directly stopping that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself direction by allowing something else to direct me without realizing it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/understand/realize what is directing me and where I am not the directive principle of myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to understand/see/realize that if I am not directing myself here in every moment of every breath - I am accepting and allowing to be directed by what I am not myself here directly within presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within the religion of self based on the accumulation of thoughts, feelings and emotions that I do not need to direct myself here within consistent presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow knowledge and information to drive me and direct me within not realizing that I've allowed to trust within the accumlation of memories instead of directly myself here undefined as physical expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to to use knowledge and information as self-definition as directive principle instead of myself here as breath as life as all as equal as one as physical expression without fear from being wrong, being not real and without defining myself being insignificant, lost and irrelevant.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the relationship within what I've formed and built up based on words is consciousness and my reactions and habits and automated manifestations I've defined as myself as the religion of self and trusted and used as a starting point without ever seeing/understanding/realizing that it is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself about the realization that based on my starting point I am who I define and perceive myself to be in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have never ever realized that any fear within me indicates that I doubt that I am not here as real because any fear indicates that I trust relationship between words and definitions and pictures and feelings and emotions and reactions more than myself here, remaining as self constantly without any fear here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I define as myself is an attempt to prove to myself and others that I am real within the starting point of fear meanwhile not realizing that I am my starting point as equal as one here within and as the self-definition based on an image and likeness of me as fear - fear of loss of what I am not in fact as fear from who I am: is not real and who I am within fear: I can lose and meanwhile never realizing that if I am real, I am constant, consistent, without any fear.

So self-direction in relationship to the word fear, real.

Purification is required - fear, relationship, real.

What association come up about the word:  
fear from not being real
fear from losing myself
fear from not having time to express myself
fear from pain
fear from more fear
fear from accepting fear
fear from letting go fear
fear from myself
fear from women
fear from war
fear from evil
fear from being evil
fear from not having fear

relationship with woman
relationship with myself
relationship with nature
relationship with government,system
relationship with my boss
relationship with destonians
relationship with my mind
relationship with my body
relationship with fear
relationship with the physical
relationship with my past
relationship with my family
relationship with my possessions
relationship with my musical instruments
relationship with money
relationship with camera
relationship with filming
relationship with filmmakers

real is what remains
real is what is physical
real is atoms
real is my self what I've never seen
real is hereness
real is what lasts
real is what can not be denied
real fear is not consistent
real here is life
real relationship is self here

So by these I can start decompose my mind and realize with common sense why and within what starting point I disregard myself as breath here.
The next word is: here.

The here as mind - relative here-ness - versus the here as physical location as absolute here-ness as polarity system within what I move, shift, jump, refracted, segregated based on thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Unification is already here, discipline is here within the starting point of real physical relationship with everything as myself always here - the Gurdjieff Desteni Portal sentence is very simple yet unthinkable how powerful:

I am already a unified man - and within that - it is already here what is what must be stopped, removed from the very core of my being

So I stop here today - where

I commit myself to investigate, write and correct myself within wherein I am not directing myself as life within relationships within me as words and where I allow definitions connected to fear to direct me based on knowledge and information about losing and being not real or the paranoia of 'not having enough time'.

Reached here the point as word as 'paranoia' which will be a topic for a while - so perspective on paranoia and thinking:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... eason.html
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... eason.html
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... -mind.html
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... anoia.html

Thursday, May 30, 2013

[JTL 51] Trapping the EGO within practical Self-honesty

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

[JTL 50] Stop the force to change: be principle

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I want to take everything internally and disregard externally as having a starting point as myself as my mind only here and not realizing that the inner is equal with the outer meaning that if I do not deal with my physical reality as equal as one as my internal reality - I am still of and as separation as fear from letting go self-definitions of who I am instead of remaining undefined within physical action.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I can not separate myself from my direct physical reality within the consideration only of my experiences who I am in this moment and believing within the religion of self as something existing 'standalone' within the whole and not realizing that this perception is a bubble of consciousness what always bursts - with absolute self-honesty applied in each moment or will facing manifesting consequence equal and one with the self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from dealing with my external reality the same as myself as equal as one within the perception that I might cause harm and manifest consequences what I do not want to face or even the fear that within facing consequence of self-dishonest starting point I might go into further self-dishonesty within self-judgment as shame and remorse and by that being consumed as infinite loop of regret.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself here as self-honesty and see everything within reality for myself by directly experiencing what I am doing and within self-trust directing myself to live by and as principle of equalizing myself to remain constantly within the consideration of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of fear from consequences of already manifested self-dishonesty within me such as desire and shame and regret and wanting to pursue or avoid what I've defined as desirable or avoidable within the interest of myself meanwhile disregarding the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself with the belief that I can skip facing consequences of what I've allowed to manifest already and within the occupation of consciousness of thoughts, feelings and emotions hypnotizing myself that this one more moment I should remain within the mind and then everything will be fine and not realizing that I've programmed my mind to always be one moment faster and ahead of me exactly showing equally to myself that I am running away from myself constantly with thoughts, feelings, emotions but in fact can not.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that the solution is simply stop, to slow down within and see where my mind takes me and taking self-direction and seeing everything within reverse and inverting my mind meaning bringing myself back here wherein my body is breathing and disregarding all the imaginations what with I try to figure out/solve/avoid the problems I face and not realizing that my starting point is of the mind which through I am unable to deal with reality as myself because of this perceived separation from reality as myself as a standalone entity what is in this reality but not of this reality.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I've programmed myself to certain specific situations to allow myself to compromise myself within thinking and the solution is always simply slowing down and disregarding thoughts and trusting myself as breathing action within the consistent consideration of the simple principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I've been fighting within myself in order to breath properly meanwhile not realizing that what I am fighting within is also myself a part of me what I experience as separated and the systematic self part of me is also fighting for it's own surviving because of the same starting point as myself within the fear of not being real and fear of not being able to direct myself as who I am and the solution is the action within relaxed physical application meanwhile disregarding thoughts, feelings and emotions what are the main fuel for the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self-direction and deal with my direct surroundings meaning my home, my city, my family, my workplace, my presence wherein I am in fact located within the interest of my beliefs and fears based on pre-programmed preferences since childhood or based on preferences what I've allowed to evolve within according to energetic experiences such as participating within self-definitions and self-judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've allowed part of my life 'to go as it goes' by itself and not taking self-direction as equal as one as my presence here within the perception and belief that that part does not matter and irrelevant meanwhile in fact constantly experiencing these manifestations for instance mess around me and allowing people to be dishonest meanwhile hoping or fearing that if I stand up and take direction they might not love or accept me what would then mean that I'd remain alone.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that within stopping it is not about force and energy but self-honesty and when I am unable to move myself directly within the consideration of what is best for all - I am facing a point of self-dishonesty what is hidden what I am suppressing what I am denying what I do not want to see what I programmed myself to miss and disregard and by the energetic experiences of thoughts, feelings, emotions trying to brute force something is the indication that I am not specific to the utmost degree within self-realization about in fact how I've created myself and clearly and constantly seeing exactly why.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to consider that all fighting within is because I did not want to really realize but wanted to serve my self-interest and self-ignorance within the consideration only of experiences what within I've taken refugee as my source and destination and never realizing the actual real source as the physical reality and equal and one with it and as it as my human physical body here busy breathing.

When and as I define myself as separated from existence as whole - I realize there is a reason for doing so within the self-interest what I do not want to realize and the starting point is fear of loss based on a self-definition what is of the religion of self what is not real - therefore I direct myself as full of my being to stop defining myself by disregarding self-definitions by regarding what is here as real as the physical as breathing.

When and as I force myself within I realize I am manifesting friction by not understanding how and why I am manifested as manifested conflict based on self-dishonesty therefore I stop and see within myself practically what is the reason that there are parts of myself what is not unified here.

When and as I force myself to change I realize that the force I am using to change is of personality of self-interest of energy of thoughts, feelings and emotions and by that realization I stop participating within and I regard and embrace physical here and considering what is best for me is what is best for all and I do not force myself but direct myself as self-will as decision and if there is a resistance within what is conditional - I investigate within self-intimacy and explore my abdicated responsibility within and as self-forgiveness.

When and as I disregard physical here - I realize I am accumulating conflict within and by that I am responsible for conflict manifesting equally as one as physical existence therefore I stop.

I commit myself to stop the conflict and friction within me and by that the personalities within me what fights for energetic domination and direct myself by force of accumulation of participating energetic reactions within me as thoughts, feelings and emotions what are the reflection and inversion of my already manifested consequence of self-dishonesty what I simply, unconditionally and directly stop breath by breath embracing the physical what is real as here as myself and considering that consciousness is not physical and is energy what is taking energy from the physical therefore I commit myself to remain as starting point as source as the physical as principle as life.

READ and WRITE Journey to Life blogs daily

Monday, May 27, 2013

[JTL 49] Breath, human mind program, notes

WRITING on Breathing
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take breath seriously when I do have a problem to solve and without returning to breath I do not even know what is going on.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining here as breath all the time because the fear apparently persuades me with logical reasoning that I trust the already manifested programming within myself wherein I am like automatically able to do things what is required in this human society to live meaning earning money and interacting with others what I do not do within breathing but within disregarding breathing while focusing on thoughts, feelings and emotions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breathe within this moment here when I am typing this sentence having multiple excuses why I am not aware of the breath of me as in breath, hold, out breath, hold while no thoughts occupy me to a degree that I forget my decision to be aware of this cycle of in,hold,out,hold breath.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard breath within consideration that while thinking I am incapable of be aware of the breath because a thought renders to me an other thought and it is a tube of thought-pattern-line within what I am unaware of that I fear and a breath-holding happens, wherein I do not breath as fully as for instance doing so while sleeping but a tiny in breath, a tiny hold, a tiny out breath wherein I focus so much on thoughts that I take breathing granted and not realizing that I suppress physical breath as much as I disregard physical reality within the prioritizing of inner reality of thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I've found an effective way writing out stuff - I write, I stop, I breathe, I let all go - and then I see another point within the same context - I write that down too within Self-forgiveness - and then when I am stopped - for instance blocking or distracted or occupied - I let everything go - and then when I am here again - I continue within seeing within myself the next point and then write that down too - no force, no intent - no energy - however it is very sensible 'state' - not even state but an attitude - with any anxiety, shame, regret, fear, hope or desire blows away this process and I go into reaction systems and for a while I disregard myself 'here'. Sigh.
And the days I 'live' - it is quite full with these programs - what I am not even aware of fully - but I just see I shift, and then I do things - and then time passes - and then at one point I am at the same point again - it's like timeloop.
Also I've noticed that I start to write daily and then I do not walk through points - and then next day I do not continue the point but another I start and then some I've started what I did not walk fully through - until Day 50 I've decided to just flow and see what comes - and then take a discipline through the already started 'topics'.
There are so much possible things to write about - so many mindfuck I start to see within myself and others - so I am prioritizing.

I start to see which characters have resistance to writing out as self-forgiveness - and it is not only of outer circumstances. Some internal processing I 'do' within what I shift.

Also I've noticed how computer programming is exactly the same how humans program their minds as:

Definition part:
String nice='When a child smiles innocent';
String whatISee=blink(); //what my eyes see I capture it in the moment

Condition part:
if(whatISee equals nice) then feelGood;

Loop part:
Repeat a program until a condition - or infinite cycle
repeat (programmed life) until death;

Obviously there needs much more to describe the mind but basically with these things it is possible.
There are variables like 'myMood' - what can be re-defined by conditions within loops.

There are sub-programs what process stuff - whether as the body or as the internal mind - returning with obvious result - or with no apparent result.

And the definition part also can be much more complicated for instance the definition of 'nice' - can be specified with another words like 'nice' + 'woman' or 'nice' + 'tree' - and then that have a pre-defined 'value', what then will again determine outcome of outcomes of conditions also defined by another definitions - what are triggered by other programs - or by physical input for instance touch, smell, sight.

By these principles computer programs are built from simplest to most complicated ones.

I have a fascination for perfect programmed systems - for instance modern computer games - wherein there is always a dynamic system what almost literally 'emulates' some sort of 'life' - however it is always limited and after a while it is predictable in a way - in a shooter game - how the 'enemy hides beyond a tree and looks out and shoots' - how the simulation is programmed.

The same with my mind - for instance if a girl moves within skirt upon a stairs I have programmed myself to look up.
That can be decomposed and within self-honesty understand the definitions, the conditions, the loops and with Self-forgiveness I can back-track the origin and the creation and become aware of the self-automation to be aware of what is required to let go, to delete, to remove in order to purify myself to start living simply by remaining here within and as breathing.

Also I've noticed that I do not really do many things 'out of blue' - for instance drinking coffee - I did not drink it for a while about 3 months - and then at points I made note that 'soon I might will drink it' - and then 'I might drink it when the summer is here and there is hot' - and also -'I might drink it but not for work but at home when writing or filming' - and then I was filming at a concert last week and there was no tea - and then I asked for coffee - I see it is not coincidence but consequence of the small things as 1+1=2. It is relevant also to write down.
And today I bought coffee and made it for myself and had two already and in fact I 'feel' it - I am different a bit physically and in mind as well - I can relate to being high for marijuana - I assume then I use it for similar reasons - being high - being able to do things without 'being tired'/'off energy'/ and 'remain focused' -'having a push' or something like that while I disregard breath here.

I've also started to notice the benefit of daily writing - since started this blog, I write about weekly/twice a week - but as I write daily - the faster I 'progress' on decomposing the mind - if I 'give' the time to myself for doing so - meaning 'investing' to getting to know myself and being able to have a direction and principle for self-correction.
And then at days I am not writing - should be investigated what was the reason not gifting myself for progressing within self-realization within self-honesty within the practical way of sharing here.
Today for instance I've wrote the first, breathing, Self-forgiveness part on train while traveling - and the others just now - but meantime I even had the thoughts of 'I have resistance now to continue' - what at least not took over to the whole day but for long hours and here now I've continued it.

Alright - so that is for today and I also will continue on Self-correction of some previous posts as well with the decomposition of how exactly disregarding breathing myself here within specific circumstances.

Let us develop practical skills for parenting children!

Saturday, May 25, 2013

[JTL 48] Self-forgiveness: polarities of principle delusion

This is the continuation of the post.

Principled living.
The thinking of "I am getting there":
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on the impression of I am getting to principled living by defining it as being there meanwhile I am here without seeing the separation within and as my words as equal as one as myself - that projecting a self-image separated from here as me - and by that defining 'there" as future within my acting as self-direction what I allow myself to not be today but from one day I won't by hope, desire or even certain starting point,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a time-frame in my days wherein I can let some of myself to not be principled, not directed and just be who will be in that moment without direction, literally principle wherein in fact I can continue with the life where I do not have to be aware of my actions and consequences within the belief that it's alright, I deserve it or it does not make a difference in the big picture.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself in terms of allowing myself to have some relaxation or entertainment planned within the consideration of principle without being totally consumed within the experience of reacting within to the self-defined entertainment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not live fully self-honesty within self-defined moments of entertainment because  within that I do not want to be self-honest within that in fact what actually I am doing and might  realizing that it is self-dishonest and in fact not really who I really am but within a self-created religion of self being constantly occupied within self-seclusion and self-interest meanwhile if I would be self-honest with myself, I'd realize that I have other priorities and also realizing that in fact doing so because of the addiction of taking refugee within thoughts, feelings, emotions what are the accumulated past of self-dishonesty remaining here to influence and direct me by showing equal as one what I actually still accepting and allowing to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the expression of 'killing time' and not realizing that it is literally meaning I do something what I think as not matters and I think that it is irrelevant because of a definition within about the situation, myself or the possibilities or the circumstances,
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within defining moments as important I define moments as irrelevant as equal in terms of balancing out the self-defined polarity manifestations of the mind.

I commit myself to remain aware of the fact that each moment is the same from the perspective of self here - as if not directing myself as self here as presence fully within absolute self-honesty - I am still responsible yet not the directive as myself but as acceptance and allowance by self-definition - even - and in fact especially at moments when I define it and myself as irrelevant and then I realize that I am hiding something within myself what I balance out as irrelevant - such as accepting and allowing the world and human system to be as it is today by a self-definition such as - I am not powerful/rich/aware enough to do something what is relevant for the world and myself equally.

I commit myself to remain here as self-direction and dare myself to be aware of the patterns as myself within self-honesty when I define myself or the moment as 'entertainment'.
I stop fearing from realizing that the specific entertainment might not entertain me if I dare to see myself within  self honesty of why and what I am actually doing.

I commit myself to stop the religion of self of self-dishonesty by letting go of definitions of self of entertainment and separations within self-definitions about what moments are relevant and what are not and when I can or have entertainment.
I commit myself to realize in each moment that principled living and absolute self-honesty does not exclude to enjoy myself and others if possible but to compromise myself within the definition of polarization of joy and pain and being attracted to joy by definition is not really me therefore I simply let it go breath by breath here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define principled living and discipline as seriousness and rigidness instead of realizing that principled living and discipline as self-honesty is undefined as direct self expression here within consideration of what is here,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having fun and joy as undisciplined and unprinciplined living by definition of when I enjoy myself and others that must mean that I am disregarding self-honesty here within occupiing myself in entertainment - and not realizing that I can enjoy being disciplined here within principled living.
I commit myself to stop refusing to enjoy principled living within the consideration of all living being here,
I commit myself to fear from enjoying myself in all moments when I am here as principled within the discipline of equality and oneness as all as one as equal,
When and as I experience myself disciple-ing myself I realize that I can enjoy being here and being within direction and movement meanwhile remaining relaxed and present within the practical application of my self-honesty without any condition.
When and as I am directing myself I realize it is not required to force myself in any way whatsoever without any seriousness or un-seriousness because decision within living application is not required energy of definition.

Desteni I Process LITE free course for the troubled children

Friday, May 24, 2013

[JTL 47] A memory of anger to the system when paying for water

I remember a memory when I came back to Budapest by plane and I had to wait at one airport far from here, maybe London.
I was sitting at the waiting area(what is in fact a very expensive shopping and dinner hall) with my medium sized bag and I was sitting there and I was thirsty but I was extremely angry because the water was superexpensive, like 2 euros or something like that so I resisted to buy it however I needed the bottle to bring it up to the plane because the jet I was waiting for was `woodden benched` meaning extremely cheap so there was no service up there, not even water so I needed to drink and bring up some water. So then I was looking a black woman nearby and profiled her for a moment and then asked her could she watch my bag for a minute while I buy the water. She looked immediately pissed off and rejected it and looked at me like I am insane. There was value in that bag, some musical instruments, possibly camera - however she looked fine for the task and where I had to buy the water - I had the chance to look at my bag anyways - so then I was like WTF for a moment as she even seemed to wait for the same jet as me and it was still unsure to which platform we have to go.
So then I stood up and left my bag there anyway and I bought the water and even a croissant. It was really just a minute and my bag seemed fine while the lady was sitting there and still looked upset.
So then I judged her too and until now when I sit on this train to meet with my sister and visit father's brother who looks like me just old versioned.
Meanwhile I notice that I am very sleepy and I just ate a chocolate bar and immediately the heavy sleepiness is gone - I am not sure it is because of heavy thinking before waking up and eating pulls me out of this experience or it is the sugar rush.
So that memory when apparently I wanted to trust in a stranger in watch my bag for a minute in order to say something when somebody else would take it - is still here, immediately jumping out as jack in the box memory when I am sitting on this train with expensive stuff in my bag however this time I do not need to ask anyone because I stay here - and  I did travel since then many times yet somehow that memory just came back today so I direct it with principle. Because then I was pissed off for the airport, the system, why is that expensive the basic need: water, while there is no a free tap - even at the toilet that is not really for this and even I had the memory that at many toilets they allow only hot water to use what is not drinkable for me - except if I have a bottle and have time to wait for cooling. But many times I do not use this 'trick'- just buy water- however it is insane how evil to not give it freely - even on the plane where is the air is extremely dry and it is obvious that rehydration is required for every body. So at these situations I have the tendency to go into reaction into the mind what is not a solution.
Let's see what is solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at the system and the airport and the shops at the airport because water is extremely expensive what is a basic human right however if someone does not have the money, cannot buy it,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that people who make the shops at airports are there for the profit and only for the profit so they can literally do anything for that what the law allows them to do.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that to become angry and exert my anger because I do not have lot of money and feel like robbed when they take my water away when going into the airport zone and within there they allow me to buy another what is very expensive and I do do not want to spend 2 euros for a bottle of water.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry only for water at the airport and it's price because I am not that rich and if I could have tons of money I might not go into emotional reaction but simply buying what I need.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ever realize that everybody does everything what the law allows them to do therefore to oppose people directly is not a solution but the law is what required to investigate, question and change - and within that realizing that the law is equal and one with us as humanity what we accept and allow and be responsible of obeying, maintaining, accepting or braking it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my relationship with the law is not clear, direct and equal and one - but full of judgments, pre-definitions, feelings, emotions which through I am unable to experience it as it is therefore the necessity to purify myself as self from definitions is undeniable.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within law there is what actually humans use to be as a compass about what is right and what is wrong and within that there is no declaration of unconditional and practical right to have water for me therefore it is normal for people to sell it for profit in the name of their expenses,
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize that within rejecting facing and realizing what is the law in the human system and how it is maintained, avoided and in fact used for profit - until that I am powerless and no chance to stand up for the system as equal as one and to change it to all have right for the basic needs by default.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when asking a stranger and does not do what I ask her to do even if it means very little for me and not realizing what is her starting point, her story, her experience, but to judge her and the whole scenario as frustrating because thinking for me it would be a default thing without a con.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the woman who I asked to look after my bag for a minute at the airport - that she thinks I am crazy because I trust in her for not stealing my bag or she thinks that how come I ask her for anything or she thinks that how I can even think that it is alright to leave my bag for a stranger or thinking that she fears from what if one would want to steal it and she could not do anything and fearing from responsibility for what I asked her - I let go all thoughts, all worry, all anxiety, all judgment, all fear -I am simply here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to become angry when the woman at the airport refused to do a favor to me, especially when I saw her coming to the same plane as me so therefore she did not have to anything else but wait there just as like me - and not realizing that I was angry at myself and projected and suppressed it towards her/into my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in the moment of reacting the necessity to slow down within, stop and let all go in one breath and remain here, clear, directive.

When and as I experience judgments within me about water and basic needs why is expensive at mass transit places such as airport, train station, bus station, ferry station - I remain here, directive, aware of my breathing constantly within the consideration that becoming angry and judge-mental does not make a difference and in fact I submit into the fact that I am powerless and inferior - therefore I realize that I should consider the currently manifested system as consequence of most of the people disregard the fact that the law is born from politics what is also people's acceptance and allowance and within democracy one man has one vote and by that principle the system can be changed - for instance considering all has the same needs for water.
When and as I experience anger and frustration within facing the human system's limitation or rejection based on money - I realize that it is what required to change within it's starting point.
When and as I fear from not being able to function without more money - I use common sense and see what is best for all including me equally.

When and as I face the persuasion of consuming for the basic needs as at airport where they take my water away and then I can fill it up in places what can be considered as healthy - such as some toilets - I use that to get water - and when it seems to be not healthy - I do not judge it - and I remain here but consider with common sense.

When and as I am becoming angry to someone who I ask for doing something and does not wants to - I remain here, clear, embracing the moment within in and out breath without the need of judgment what is in fact self-judgment projected towards others with fear.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

[JTL 46] What is Principle then?


What is principle then? Giving a perspective from my personal life for a moment...

When I was kid - I had to learn a thing - what I really want - I can not take it granted - I have to do it myself - whoever promised anything and then I was expected - who was then responsible when it did not happen?
I had to realize that what I do really want, I have to do it by myself no matter what - because that is my interest.
I was interested in my personal development and my personal experiences - no matter what I've decided - limitations and resistance I faced within the physical world, mostly because of financial in capabilities.
I experienced at home that my family members were mad about the fact that they do not have money and everyone they made responsible except themselves - and they are still at the same place.
Then at school I've seen that there are others who can have clothes, gadgets, 'possessions' they want, not much but they behaved like they were proud of something - the fact that their parents were able to afford to pay their happiness.
From my point of view what did matter is that I wanted computer because I was cool with those at the school but my family could not afford that and I was ready to do programming stuff and others but I was unable to afford to have computer because my family was poor and then I blamed my mother who was raising us alone because she had no money to buy a supermodern 286.
After years she was able to buy one - when the trend was already 486 - but I was still very happy.
So from my first impression came to the word principle is that 'there is no money, there is no fun' - and my mother always told me that learn and and earn is the principle - I have to go out and take what I need and that's it.

I hated that so much - why do I have to fight - who I am and why some others do not have to fight and get what they want by default? What have I done wrong? What they did and where is justice?

After finishing university I was able to take the position at the international corporation as programmer - to earn some money - and then I was able to buy stuff - but yet I did not really understand it - it was not really me who was out there and get the money for the job - it just happened - I was not aware - I was not directing myself - I had no principle - my want to get what I want was here but that was not really principle. That perspective came later.
I've started to do stuff with my mind and apparently with substances I opened it and I had the same experience - I was working but I could not afford things what I wanted - yet I was already working - but to get camera and musical instruments - my salary was not that high as my mind.
I blamed the system - my mother I could not already - I was by my own.
Then I've left the corporate sector - went out from 'babylon' with hippies into the jungle and I was trying different lifestyles in order to change - meanwhile I was so angry that I can not have what I need in order to express myself - and that anger I was unaware of that it was towards to myself - however I projected to the system.
The big invisible human system I could not grasp - but then after all around in Sicili in a no-electricty bio dynamic gardening tiny community in the mountains where the physical needs was available in abundance for instance we dishwasher with lemons and orange was so much that we threw out many kilo rotten bunches every day meanwhile we did our own bread - and even there were naked rasta girls who were not so closed - and I was looking into myself and then I realize with this I could never be satisfied - this I wanted and desired for and had to see for myself - and within myself I've seen it that it is not enough.

I had to make the decision to come back into the system - and then I've changed a bit - not much but at least that much that if I want something, even if it means money(for my projects and artistic stuff like music and film), I have to make it by myself, there is no excuse that the system is not giving it to me by default - I can not say it to my deathbed that I did not 'live' because I did not had the money for it - so then I came back and got an other job - but then it was still no principle.
After that I came back and started to work with intent to be able to have some stuff for me - for the first time I was able to have a vision for why I 'sacrifice myself up' on the altair of the system and that was my self-interest: to have money for my stuff.

After some years I fell off again from the system (in Asia where to I went as the last resort to find the enlightenment what I never fulfilled yet tuned myself into in my mind perfectly but the physical showed me that I was in oblivion)- utterly when I lost myself within ideas what were not practical, like spiritual agenda and faced some near death experience because I was not present and I had no principle and I had no respect for what I've taken granted - again I had to find out something what I refused to.

So then came back and after some time I've found Desteni wherein I've met with the Principle of Equality and Oneness and with the idea of 'Principled Living'.

That was something and I was always looking for a compass within with what everything always make sense immediately and everywhere and always and then this basic principle I've started to apply in my life:

I am always Equal and One with and as everything of my reality - and that made sense after all of those psychedelic liquid mind Oneness experience but I did not realize yet that I am always equal with the experience and with the physical reality as well - and there comes the responsibility.
And then after all of those years 'meditated' and 'contemplated' on the word 'compassion' - I had to realize that was not real - I never got the real meaning of what it means to living by a principle without a con.

Then I've found these guys at Desteni farm wherein they simply live by and as this principle - and the simple question what one can ask from self is 'What is best for all?' within practical application, within and as this physical existence, currently as our constant, stable location as Earth and who we really are as manifested creation and what are we going to do with this fact?

Then I realized I must be able to transform myself to live by and as the principle - no escape - that I must be - and then I will see - and I am still here decomposing the patterns which constitute my beingness as already manifested creation and what is exactly what makes me unable to live the principle.

Because one thing is sure - that I will breath for a limited time - and then there is no breath. In breath and out breath - and between that and meanwhile that I am - but is this 'I' real if after a certain amount of breaths is gone?

I must investigate, understand, realize and find practical ways to let go what stops me to live by the principle in every breath - because this principle is everlasting: Equality and Oneness.

Within common sense and the basic mathematics it is undeniable that this is the basic principle - if one dares to push the definitions of oneself of what is real and what is principle within Self-honesty - after a certain amount of time of working(on and as Self) it will be obvious that this is the basic principle what is within everything - the question is that what one can actually perceive to lose within realizing it.

It's like the red/blue pill in Matrix movie - once you've got it - there is no turning back - you remain here - however the same patterns as before will not satisfy anymore - with the same self-definitions will not be able to grasp any profound meaning within anything because One's mind is tainted with a real taste of eternal infinity - that the consciousness and our minds within it is so limited, so predefined, so already made up that not much can practically transcend it with a real principle what can live breath by breath by disregarding the patterns what has been given and programmed through parents, schools, media.
Because that pattern is suggesting, hypnotizing that one does not responsible for the world, for themselves, for others - because that teaches us it is very alright to go out there and get what we want because it what it's all about: there are some who just 'go out and do whatever it takes to make their dreams fulfilled' - so that should do it - but to question the dynamics, the consequences, the responsibility is never taught - never asked - because for that one must live a principled living what is against our already made up personality - because that is certainly not fun and cool and groovy - to see what extent we degraded ourselves within surviving and why it is required to live a principled living in order to sort out our mess here on Earth what is already compounding day by day and already millions and in fact billions are abused day by day in the name of 'the system' - and then it is obvious that we must change ourselves within - and the system we will change - EQUAL AS ONE.

So that's why Desteni guys are amalgamating into and as the physical existence by the principle of equality and oneness - because that is the already manifested reality consequence of who we really became - and that is certainly not always cool, fun and hip - however within Self-honesty this is something what is lasting and proven to remain.

That's why the Equal Life Foundation has been set up and supported by very some people who already realized the necessity to change ourselves from within based on Principle - and until it is not consistent within - there is no way to start to deal the external reality of ourselves within constant, stable and practical expression.

If you are able to realize what is our responsibility, check out the Bill of Rights, written by a real Lawyer, by Destonian Principles and what it is all about.
The interest of all includes myself as well - and to give up something what is against it - within the process of self-realization I am becoming aware that it was never really myself what I can give up within the interest of all.
Because my self-interest is always only for myself - and what is mine what the rest does not have a right for?
Food, shelter, health care, education, clean water? Do I have a right for it?
What is right then?

So, check out the Bill of Rights, it is far more advanced in terms of what it is really resonating than anything I've faced before because this can be simply, practically manifested...

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

[JTL 45] Investigating my days rant

Principled living

I have an idea of what kind of principled living I want to live.
I have the thought as 'I am getting there' - so this is a problem. Let's rant it out here.

What is there from which I am here yet not as principled living yet creating a self-projection?

If I could choose - and within the consideration of I still have to work as currently no one gives money to me without that - I'd choose to work about 6 hours a day.

I'd choose to schedule my time in order to make sure I am using my time effectively - yet remaining stable, consistent and within seeing myself and my needs in terms of current state within self-honesty - I'd schedule time for 'free time' - wherein I am able to do unplanned or even planned activities what is not 'principled'.

That is the first point I note - have a backdoor within what I am not required to be principled - wherein I can let the steam off.

See, after doing some research within Desteni material - it is clear that human is a programmed system - it is complicated - yet it makes sense - if one can use a particularly uncommon yet always referred as: common sense.

For me after realizing points within me - meaning writing it out within specificity - I always see that it is simple already - but to get to the point of seeing the point within me - as me - within simplicity - it takes effort and time.

Actually when I come to home - and come into my room - there are possibilities - beyond I can even comprehend - about what I can do in regards to just with my machines - musical instruments, video equipments, hi-tech gadgets surrounded by THE computer - and when I sit down - where is cabled internet - with all the installed tools and softwares what I've defined as cool and required - there are possibilities way beyond I can measure how many - about what I can do.

Tonight it is the same - when I sit down - what I will do? Am I clear before sitting down?
Actually I was quite sure that I will write about principled living.
But at times I am not sure - I just sit here - I have plans - tons of plans - many unfinished 'todo'-lists are stretched into a physically stored virtual system - wherein at points I've defined what I want to do.

I could listen, play, make music or I could watch, edit or record videos just as I could play the latest games or just 'browse' the net about fascinating/cool/nice/strange/disturbing/ugly/terrible things and reacting to that also 'kills time' - however mostly I am dealing with the fact that I have very limited 'time' for sitting here - as mostly every weekday I sit in the office working for money to be able to rent a place for be able to pay some extra hours to actually have this possibility for apparently deciding about what I will do with my time.

Mostly I use the computer for writing(Journey to Life blog/Agreement Course), socializing with people about sharing and liking each others posts about each others preferences(for me is is also Destonian stuff, for instance EQAFE), watching movies, listening to music, making videos, editing and effecting videos, playing music, recording music and editing music - and then sharing some but not much, as not all I define as 'finished' - or 'good enough' - even with writing I do that - some I do not share - considering when writing about somebody who I am sure would not be really cool about it - or I do not see the Self-direction or Self-support - except when i deliberately want to expose my Self-dishonesty - to make a journey what then I walk through within Principle of considering what would be the best for me and for all regarding to that.

So if I could be able to define my life - I'd make sure that I have the time for everything what I want - then I'd realize there is no such time - I have limited time - so I have to prioritize.
For instance going out and having fun with mates I've defined as not priority - yet I want it - for instance tonight I went through to mates and just made food and they shared their trip experiences and had fun.

Mostly this I define as unworthy(regarding to prioritizing, but these are 'close friends') - but at times I allow this to myself - about once-twice weekly - however I do not like when it takes the whole night - because after work what I've defined as really worthy is when I can sit at my computer, because that represents all the possibilities - from which I like to be defined as able to choose.

There are preferences and some priority - for instance the write daily is one of the most important part - yet at times I still do not write for instance when I go out with people and then it takes more time than expected/planned or wanted - and then I am too tired or I have to consider to sleep at least 5-6 hours before going to work because otherwise I will be exhausted, even possibly weak, sick and making mistakes and not really aware.

When I had partner - this was the most prominent point from which I was able to manifest conflict within me - not being clear on how much time I want and actually spend on things regarding to being with partner versus sitting in my room with my computer/tools. Total separation, polarity: conflict.

Another(similar) point is when I am invited to go out and then I do and then I plan it to be as short as possible(yet still within the consideration that if I do so - I should enjoy it anyway) - and when it is not that short what I 'thought' to be - then I also manifest conflict - most notably when I am kind of persuaded into social events meanwhile within myself the first thing comes up is that my priority is writing the course assignment this week(and every week) and there are only two nights when I can do that and currently for writing a point properly within self-honesty it is required at least two nights - if not doing it the whole night, what is rare - so then if I prioritize going out - it is obvious that my assignment might not be there where I plan it to be - therefore with that I've made conflict within me as well because I do not like 'it'.

Especially when some sort of experience pulls me in - a latest game came out and the the single player story is so intriguing, that I want to play it through, to see the story and the game to unfold, I just do it with no consideration to my priorities for instance.
And then I experience a conflict within me - so then by that I push the playing more and more - wanting to finish as soon as possible to 'continue' my 'priorities' - that is a fascinating pattern to observe - as myself - and wanting to 'solve' the conflict by playing more and more to finish it ASAP - meanwhile in fact just doing it all the time - within a some sort of hope that after this I will be able to continue with my 'real' priorities - meanwhile the 'priority' is overwritten by myself to 'finish the game'. That is fascinating as well.

I've noticed this quite some time ago however writing it down actually makes it - as who and how I've manifested myself to be' - constantly visible for myself - and within sharing it - for others as well. That is very cool.

Transparency - as Bernard explains the trust - can not be gifted by belief or hope - must be earned within practical, measurable(by time) application which is quite obvious within the consistent writing.

So as Gurdjieff explained - man is a machine - a complicated yet understandable - automated system what is responsible for it's actions regardless of it is aware of it - or not.

But to TAKE this responsibility - to be aware of it and to use it effectively - is something what can not be given.

And the last point is here: when I am writing and then I realize I am really tired and sleepy - just like at this moment - and then I am almost falling asleep - and then looking after ways to make myself more fresh - drinking water, eating something(preferably sweet) - what is not really cool before going to sleep - walk some or making a tea  - but as this time it is because I am after a long day, awaken quite early - it is reasonable to be extremely sleepy - however the need and want and a drive to use my time effectively without being able to judge myself as 'not prioritizing good enough' and creating conflict within me and 'want to have more time to express myself' must be prioritized with the body's consideration to not become exhausted or tired as the next day in the office comes for instance this time within 7 hours.

And then the thought what can come up is that 'I will wake up early and doing my writing then' - what then ends up my morning being quite busy so then I can not make time to continue 'my priority to progress' in the morning and then after all I will have conflict within me by not doing preferably/as expected what I've defined as priority.

Alright for tonight, this is it.

Monday, May 20, 2013

What Desteni Say About: LOVE

What Desteni Say About: LOVE

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that thought plays the major creative role in the creation of love through energizing and justifying feelings through a process of listing acceptable and unacceptable points that I can live with, instead of standing on the principle that will create a certain successful relationship agreement through following the common sense of openness, self-honesty, integrity, and communication.
All the points I know is critical for a stable commitment, yet I compromise through justification because I fear I may not get into the relationship unless I compromise. Yet, the reality of the breakup is born out of the compromise before the relationship starts."

This is a quote from a Creation's Journey to Life blog post: Day 14: Do you Love Breakups?

Join the movement of 7 years of Journey to Life group:

Self-perfection context audio interview from Bernard Poolman

Blow your mind!

JOIN DIP LITE to have a grasp about long-term liveable Life-principles:

[JTL 44] I have to move: part two

Continuing on my last post: [JTL 43] I have to move .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to move - indicating that it is not me, as Self-direction move by common sense decision but of circumstances, of pre-programmed reactions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that who I've became is the result of external programming within internal processing of thoughts, feelings and emotions and as long as I participate - I am the puppet of my self-created mind as physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when and how exactly I consider specific thoughts as myself and other specific thoughts as 'mind' - indicating that (t)here is a self-definition of which I am not aware of and being defined by I am automatically am and not questioning it, not even seeing it as my-self-creation and within what I manifest it within action without understanding, realizing, seeing how and why I am doing it and not even questioning it, only after doing it and facing it's consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself conditionally, regarding to circumstances and using systematic expressions within me to follow how I forgive, when doing so based on self-definitions and not common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not decide who I am as Life but as who I've became based on experiences and using memories and feelings and thoughts to justify who I am as already manifested creation and never considering in the moment when it MATTERs, that I am choosing the way who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself into a path of energetic cycle wherein I am reacting and after enough reaction I step a level within which I start to notice that I want to move and not realizing that it is because I am constantly occupied with thoughts, feelings and emotions and not directly, immediately seeing within myself what I am doing and how I am accumulating certain reactions, physical actions and only realizing when manifested and experiencing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as who I am based on energetic reactions and if in the moment I have pleasant experience - I never question, I never use common sense for what I am actually doing because in the moment I am hypnotized and conditioned, programmed and bound to focus my attention for the experience of pleasure, excitement, high-ness, tension, temper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being human as identifying myself with thoughts, feelings and emotions and focus my attention to that and defining this as being who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the specificity is the key here in self-forgiveness therefore it is not enough to write down that I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to follow thoughts, but exactly the patterns and exactly the circumstances and the starting point I have to see and understand within myself for why I am behaving so to be able to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define awareness, as myself as presence define as some sort of energetic state within what I am in focus and meanwhile I can be aware and when I am not doing so - not defining myself doing so - then I am not fully present and that is still me but not 'in focus' - and not realizing that when I am not fully present - I am not existing but only as reflection of my past dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be specific within Self-forgiveness directly as I face reality without generalizing, without making rules of them, without trying to automatize, schematize, pre-define and categorize - I simply remain here undefined - and what I see within myself as Self-dishonesty - I forgive and actually become aware of the responsibility to stop it as myself with no separation. I breathe, I act, I am physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use common sense in terms of renting a place to stay and how much it costs and how many rooms I do require and what requires to consider my financial status and what would be common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that moving(from living from one flat to an other - basically renting) is complicated, long and unpleasant - and not realizing that this is an excuse to do what I would do if I would be self-honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depict an image and likeness of me about what I would do if I would be self-honest and not realizing that the very self-imagination is based on mind - as thoughts, images, coming from the past therefore participating within imagination is a form of re-looping myself with the past.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the only valid imagination is when I imagine what would be the best for all participants within human physical existence within common sense as equal money system to grant life rights for everyone without any condition and to actually working on this to manifest it.

Support context:
"reading Bernard Blog from today, I red about how it is pointless so to say writing and doing self forgiveness on point where I only keep on doing self forgiveness or writing in response to emotions and feelings an thoughts that I experience and that is within me, because the thoughts and the feelings/emotions is already a product so to say of something else.

And it was said within common sense that if one do not understand the creation process of the thoughts/feelings emotions then how can one possibly understand thoughts/feeling and emotions and so in return stop them.

Because I see that if and when I only do self forgiveness on the emotions/feelings and thoughts the whole time without fully understanding how I created them that I am within such actions accepting and allowing the thoughts to still be ME, when they are not me."

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is pointless to say and write self-forgiveness on point where I only keep doing self-forgiveness in response to emotions and feelings that I experience within me - without understanding the creation process of the thoughts/feelings/emotions - and stopping the source, which is me exactly where the point as self-dishonesty as manifested self as me originates from.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down within myself to the degree that I can see what I do actually within myself and understand why and really see the dynamics within what I participate and be able to actually to prevent manifesting further more thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I repeat something in the moment of my focus to not doing so and automatically manifesting it - then it is already part of my manifested self - therefore without given energy - I manifest it by default as the religion of self within what I believe blindly without really being aware of it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I 'just' forgive myself' what I experience meanwhile the days - will not be the solution as the source and the core of self-dishonesty is embedded, encrypted and hidden within the already manifested self-definitions of me as me who I believed myself to be to a degree that I've programmed myself to become it by default, such as the thinking, feeling, emotionalizing myself regarding to physical reality interactions.

When and as I realize that I am repeating something without being aware of why - or doing something by default when I am not focusing or directing myself not doing so - aka - returning to my basic programming - I realize it is what I must dig out and investigate within myself through Desteni tools to get to the core of the self-dishonesty and actually committing myself to change and stick to the physical, common sense and practical application to stop it breath by breath without energy of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Friday, May 17, 2013

[JTL 43] I have to move

I have to move.

I've decided to move along - to rent an other place - smaller, cheaper. However I did not find the new place yet. Tomorrow maybe will be one available - but not yet sure. I gave myself a week only to pack up and cleanup and move. That probably means that I have to really focus and do it in all my spare time. But where to that is fascinating that I am not yet sure.
I barely have the money required to pay the new one and I want a cool place yet as cheap as possible - that is one uncertainty.

Also at workplace there are more and more signs what I react with another point that I want to leave. Yet not fully decided. There is a perception within me that I have to decide and from that I have to move with full energy until it's done. This means I am still waiting for something. That is the second uncertainty.

Another point came up today that my left pointer(direction) finger started to hurt like hell since some days - about a month ago I've had a double accident at doing football with workmates when my ankle sprained and my left pointer finger was almost broke with an unplanned and unhealty deflection - strained back up quite much but in that time my ankle had much-much more attention as I was barely able to walk for some weeks. So today I went to an X-ray and it seems to be not broken yet it at moments the pain just enormous while using it. So got my attention.

Let this three points to write about today.

First point - move: I've left only a week for myself to find a place, make the contract, pay for it and pack and move my stuff, clean this place out and move along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not finding a place with my current budget instead of realizing that I can assist and support myself to remain focused within the constant consideration of my financial status.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder about how I am fed up on things instead of considering to use common sense to see what currently I can do and actually do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope that everything will be alright and as I want without even being aware exactly what I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have a discomfort for moving along and changing without resistance and uncertainty and remain undefined.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of entertainment while it is obvious that I have many things to do as I've planned to do so anyways.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this is a default tactic and strategy what I am doing with myself in terms of pressuring myself to the last moment and then when there is no escape and everything seems to fall apart and the deadline is on my shoulder and it is almost literally impossible to do what I want - and by that pressure actually energizing myself to start doing what I must do.

This looks important how could I miss this point since I am - I remember now that I've wrote about this kind of thing before - but it was not this clear.

At university we did this, party until the last moment and then within the pressure doing what we could and many times it was enough and some times it was too late but judging the ratio of success/failure - it was worthy because we could party and entertain the longest time possible.

So that's why I am postponing planning and doing this move because I need the pressure to have the energy from my reaction to it to perform exceptionally.

And within this I've reached the second point - miraculously each point as equal as one is me - "The basic principle is within and as everything what is here as ourselves within Equality and Oneness". But this sentence - until is not in practical action within common sense as the movement of Self-honesty - it is just knowledge and information and as that - pretty useless.

That's why it is imperative the consistent writing as gift to ourselves each day when possible to realize what is here and how to stop the programs as ourselves to explore what means to be really alive without limitation.

So - at work there was a girl who left recently, she was a QA engineer who told at the 'good bye speech' - before the clapping and cake-eating and good bye party that she does not want to stay at a position wherein it is irrelevant that she performs good or not - gets the money and that's all - so she was left. Since then I am realizing that I need pressure to perform efficiently.

And interestingly enough since some weeks I do not have partner in my 'private life'.
There is no pressure on me from outside and it seems like I've always striven for that - with my last partner(for some years) her I had quite some pressure on myself - the temptation to just look another woman was high, especially when we did not have sex regularly - now that's gone - strange need but it's obvious what is it's starting point within me.
So back to pressure from outside - I've accepted the pressure from outside and my ability to adopt to these I've defined as my value.
-but at work there is no huge challenge from bosses - yet I am becoming exhausted within the airless office to do relevant things after office hours
-within partnership - to remain calm with my partner when reacting to her speaking stuff what I could not define not as bullshit is gone - I always had serious issues when she prostrated and prayed and ritualized her mind to buddhas and spoke about love and family and religion as cool stuff and having taboos to speak about and I was suppressing anger towards myself for choosing this kind of girl in the hope that this will change but did not seem and I've judged myself as responsible when experienced her suffer and become nervous and could not walk through the shit and I've also became nervous and from that she was really-really freaked out and then I was screwed and wanted to be alone for a while - so now that's also gone, I am like zen master again in terms of no stress on this seemed to be a huge relief - I am aware of that I've stopped facing an aspect of myself but this was ridiculously insane so no worry.

The biggest challenge at my job currently is to work in the environment what I judge as unhealthy as there is no air and it's hot in the office and that two makes really difficult to use my brain effectively programming business logic for website-making websites and aparently there is nothing what they could do to solve this effectively - but today I've came to the realization that I should consider to switch workplace - however it is convenient to work there - sometimes it is hard and intense but mostly it is cozy - compared to work in a coal mine or at other multinational corporations as abused code-slave - and the money is okay - not very much but not tight either.

At I get offers from headhunters every week multiplied - what I rarely answer to - however I should.

What are the reasons I do not answer:
I had experiences with little Hungarian companies who could not pay properly and I need the money in each month within mathematical precision - and my current employer can do that since 5 years I am working for them within constancy.
I might have to work much more - what would mean being more time in the office and becoming more tired at nights what I've defined as 'my time' - when I can do my desteni process slice and my hobby slice(music, video,film, entertainment).

What are the reasons I should answer and switch job:
-more salary
-more responsibility, more life-people-skills to learn
-more technical skills to learn
-chance to go work abroad - that is much more money and much more challenge
-I always enjoy to learn and perfect more skills and at my work I am quite good within one-two specialized areas but the scene is more broad
-My dream-goal would be to have a part-time/full time media-related job like producing something media what I enjoy: documentary, animation, film, video clip - and it's even possible that I can re-locate within the current company towards that anyways

There was a plan that I relocate to London wherein I have a friend who can assist to find my place and meanwhile stay at his - however he became unsure as well about being there is cool and myself as well while I had my partner here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself effectively within consideration of physical and financial resources unconditionally within common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move only when there is a pressure from outside as forces what I am bound to stand up to otherwise pain and suffering I experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to move effectively within self-expression only when I see that there is an immediate pressure and inconvenience within what I am being sucked into and occupied by entirely.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can not really see more far than my troubles are manifested around me currently because beyond my troubles I can do my entertainment therefore I never really dared to see beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my needs and desires within myself by constantly being occupied with entertainment within feelings what I want to experience and only moving when inconvenience, pain and suffering I experience and only until when I can stop that to continue my interest of doing my entertainment what is never defined directly as entertainment however when seeing it within common sense it actually is.

Today I even had some sort of shame - for being lost for so long years and doing nothing relevant and real - and that was also when a doubt came about leaving my partner with relation to my intense left pointing finger pain since a month.

But today even I had the thought, that I'd rather let my finger rot down instead of continue that relationship as without it I am 100 times less stressful - or at least it has not only one 'long, curly haired beauty' surface in my life.

That was an interesting thinking pattern also.

As I had an other thinking thread that if she so much made me nervous - what in fact meant that I've made myself nervous about points projected to her within myself - so then why I did not forgive those points instead of leaving her?

I mostly always offered her that I am open for REAL agreement, but she wanted only one agreement term: 'let be in peace and kind and do stuff what we think that is good for the other' and for me it was not specific and practical enough, especially after years of this is not working and never lived together and regardless of all madness we manifested and then she concluded that I do not love her, that's why I am mad at her and can't accept her as she is and then I said alright so then and that's all.

So I'd rather not rebound: this is clear.

With regards to the pain for my finger - it is direction - not structural direction but self-expression-direction - if (t)here is any.

I can not really close my left hand into fist now - but doctor said I should push that and practice within hot water - however for me in this moment seems like nonsense as what comes up first is to make it rest and not use it anyway - but he told me specifically that against that I must move into the pain slowly and by that it might heal.

So then my direction will be towards points what I've defined and in fact already manifested as inconvenient and even painful - as consequences - but if that is required - my direction should not be stopped even with some pain either.

As my personality has formed mostly by avoiding painful/bad/negative  physical/real and mind:imagined:emotional experiences - and moving towards pleasured/good/positive physical/body experiences and mind:imagined:feelings - to stop it is inevitable.

The most imminent reaction towards these what I've wrote is the fear from failure - what if I'm wrong - what if I make mistake and what if I will be judged?

After all these things what I want to do is go out the city and just do things what I am sure makes me more relaxed and focus to body how it functions and amalgamate - go to nature, play music, cook food, sleep outside, dance at party and let everything go and let the stress beyond - without fear of being judged as irresponsible and selfish - however I am already quite sure that I will not stick to this as 'partyboy' and just remain within the honey-trap of entertainment and self-interest - but somehow within pushing myself and not giving rest and letting things go since quite some time - I've accumulated this reasoning for go out and have fun - just enjoy myself without anything serious - the world will wait for me - and then I think that the abuse and immense shit in global scale just compounds while I am going to music festival or wild-camping in the forest does not seem right - however I must consider myself as some more decades-long expression process so then I can get along with just having fun for some days.

And with my hi-tech gadgets - even in the farest forest-swamp I can do blog or vlog even daily so then I am sure there will be plenty of time for self-correction anyways.
So that's it for today. I will continue with Self-forgiveness to see where I deceive myself within these words and why and to forgive that too and continuing with Self-correction.

If you did not yet consider checking out Desteni I Process LITE free course with seasoned buddies who assist and support you by walking the first steps within Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness - you can REGISTER HERE - for me(and many others) it is a REAL value, life-changing principles with no bullshit, no romantic sentimentalism but directly facing Self and Reality within common sense.

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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

[JTL 42] Investigating Self-automation

Continuing on [JTL 23] Life-awareness taken granted is not possible topic and how I am automated.

At moments I am simply becoming automated.

Speaking with friends/girls when having fun just comes from 'hip' and seeing what make them funny and then doing so
Cleaning up my camera lens and equipment
Talking with children
Dealing with animals
Taking a bath and clearing myself dry
Peeling vegetables
Washing dishes
Cleaning out a bath
Filtering out water from cooked pasta
Walking into a metro
Going into crowd meanwhile walking slowly in line to ride the auto-stairs
Tie my shoes
Clipping my nails

I have tendency to go into automation within these moments meanwhile be able to think about things what I react to with positive or negative feelings/emotions or want to figure out stuff I do not see through yet or fear from failing within(not even directly aware of the 'fear', just a tiny 'worry') or feeling cool about, or excited to face(meeting a girl for instance etc). For me thinking is not 'good automation' - I do not cry over it, rather investigate within self-honesty. But to see the word automation within me currently:

And there is a 'good' automation and there is a 'bad'.

Defining good when there is a moment and I can do whatever I can without concept and exploration and expression - yet it seems automatic but I can realize I am here doing so without reacting within - for instance at dancing - to specific music I dance in a way - or there are several ways to move and then I am varying these randomly - and then slowly these change - 'evolve'  - or I try new stuff - moving my hands in a way it just does - and in another moments I figure out new movements and then I try them out 'by will' - for instance twisting my hand while drawing infinity lines (90% rotated '8' symbols') - and then I decide doing it backwards and and then I am doing so - meanwhile thinking about something and feeling like my body, my limbs are like at the periphery - like an external service I use and direct for my purpose as mind to walk it around and fulfill it's desires and avoid it's fears - like my mind is the CPU of the computer and my body is like a literal robot within it is placed, many servos, inputs like visual input through the eyes, sound input from the ears, smell by the noses - and then these are like 'services' what with my mind I can use - when I want - and when I do not want - I filter these out - I can even do that I am not aware of what and where I am doing - because the 'processor' is busy working within 'internal process' - thought after thought - and meanwhile it is possible that I am physically doing something automated - yet I am not aware of really - only of that I am 'aware of' - what I want - what I currently perceive to be needed - for instance when using a knife to cut a bread at my chest - I certainly give my full focus to the knife, my hand and the bread - otherwise I might make a mistake and cut myself half...But then I did it so many times that I am programmed to be able to do so - I can cut the bread while thinking about tomorrow I will have a difficult day because I will have to work hard to make my job done properly without my boss.

And that is also automation - and then I decide and then I do it - meanwhile for instance I think that I will have to make sure that the bill I have to pay in tomorrow so I should put the check forward to make sure I will pay it - but meanwhile I am moving my hands while dancing - that I see as not good automation.

Because within movement I should be aware how I move my hand - how I use specific muscles, the feeling from meeting my hand the air - the whole body what poses does as myself and seeing myself within the space meanwhile breathing and experiencing this expanding and contracting within my lungs, feeling the air - feeling my soil is pushed to the ground while standing. That is not really automation - in a way it is and for me it is 'good' automation- but much-much less than like within the previous example: that I think that my hand should move in a way while I think of what I will have to do tomorrow while I am not aware of my breath, my body, my physical - yet I am automated.

There are endless automation within my human physical body already - and many-many I am not even aware of - only for that 'deeply' that I am able to make the specific things done - I can cut slices from the bread - yet I am not aware of what parts of my body I am using, what muscles, within what direction I am using my hand and my arms - however if I give 'attention' and 'focus' - I can observe it and 'learn' it - and that is still noticing the automation what is already programmed.

Fascinating. And at the end it is always obvious that there is no 'good' automation within myself as myself - only there is some sort of interest to automatize something in order to not be aware of the reality.

To know the machine is inevitable to see what is machine and what is not within and as myself.

And at this moment I am sure that there is good automation - for instance I have a software what I just start when I plug the camera into my computer and it copies the new movies/photos from it to the predefined directory, so I do not have to bother - I can do other things meanwhile - that I like as automation - so no further investigation is required for instance - but that is not myself as human, however this 'decision' and 'conclusion' of 'no further investigation is required' is also 'dangerous' as once I get to that - I remain so until something 'wrong' happens - in the given example I like to do that in each month, the software copies the files into directories named by the number of the day in the month - but when the month is passed and starts a new - it does not know - and will copy the files into the same directory - I have to be aware of that it is already May so I have to change the setting to copy the files into a new folder, from April to May. So then it is not absolutely automated anyways. Another point to consider reflecting back that to myself as some sort of 'organic robot' as well.

Very-very strange to do this kind of observations however it is assisting and supporting to realize to which extent I am not aware of what I am actually doing - only when it is required so or deciding alike.

For instance at dentist when there is no escape and what I do with my body and what patterns I follow while thinking to escape inconvenience and unavoidable uncomfortably and pain.

Or when I am sick, have a fever and walking in the city within the smog and everything annoys me and I am exhausted and sick - then the tendency to follow thoughts instead of remain naturally present in the moment is more 'possible'.

And to describe myself with probability at circumstances already indicates that I am not really fully aware of myself therefore this writing and investigation is common sense. To be continued, thanks, enjoy breath!