[JTL 63] Being with others and reacting

2013.06.21, Friday
I am in the forest with some people for some days where is sometimes tension and I have the opportunity to see how I participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I fear from directing the situation around when it is emotional and I am apparently clear and becoming observer and waiting to be over as I did when I was kid meanwhile thinking that I do not have directive power over others and after some time it will go away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts to automatize myself in order to avoid fear and overcome the feeling of not having power over the situation around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that others will stop raging emotions and then I will be free of the reactions to emotions and not realizing that then I am conditioned to others and how others start or stop being reactive and not realizing that in fact I am reactive and projecting self-responsibility to be influenced and wait for stop stop in an as a disregarding myself and what is reacting within me in each breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from remaining alone if I do not accept emotions to be directive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at moments I fear from myself if I do not follow predefined patterns then I will have to fear more therefore listening to thoughts therefore not being here by that manifested fear of and as mind of thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that any given moment I am not here as continuous presence - I am automated of thoughts of fear what must be walked backwards moment by moment each, one by one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the physical is the key as breath as principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from living with others because then emotional storms happen within people argue and shout and blame and tension and anxiety and fear is in the air which from I feel and defined myself to feel that I am being exhausted, tainted by and focused to as negative.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow within my living quarters therefore the principle is simple - what I accept and allow is my responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to dominate down who argue and shout by shouting them more loud and strong to listen to me who is saying: stop it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself to shout others in order to stop them arguing because I think that if I am not here then they will continue it anyways and only what I can gain is that they do not want to be with me because I am getting mad - and not realizing that if I will be alone because not accepting emotional arguments then my starting point is here - no emotional argument.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as emotional when I would raise my voice to others in order to stop them being emotional because what if in fact I am becoming emotional by them and then saying them to not be emotional while I am emotional and anxious looks like a contradiction and fearing that what if they would say to me that 'Tala, in fact you are emotional and anxious' and not using common sense and principle and Self-honesty in every breath here to avoid conflict within me and then around me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that I am playing the character of being good for accepting people around me within the hope that it will be good and they will be nice because that is what I want for me therefore thinking they want the same from me and if I will be nice and kind by default then they will be the same.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that mostly within sexual desire and hope for sexual connection I accept to be socially compromise and allow people to direct here and me first and then if it is abusive then reacting to it and then judging my reaction and then wanting to stop it and eventually direct the situation what is best for me - and never realizing it is because of the hope and fear :
-hope that they will be cool with me as I would like to receive
-fear from directing the circumstances, myself, my direction and even the interaction with others because then they would judge and react to me as controller, dictator, dominant
and never realizing that I always push myself down to compromise what is supporting me in order to remain within the character of being accepted, nice, kind and helpful within the hope that then everybody will be eventually the same with me believing within a some sort of karma and not realizing that within the law of attraction I pull people around me who direct me within their interest meanwhile they hope that I will be nice with them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if emotions and fear is expressed around me the common sense is to see that is it directing me or not - and if so then my existing relationship first is to deal and sort out and if I am clear and empty then I can see what is going on with others to assist and support but only then - otherwise my responsibility here is only my reaction and my programming to decompose, understand, forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being self-honest and intimate with myself within any given moment to be able to see that an upcoming thing in the mind is my issue or others.

I commit myself to stop reacting to emotional exerting of others automatically - I stop giving the permission to my programmed mind body to react with emotions by suppression and waiting and I start directing.
I commit myself to stop fearing from raising my voice within the belief that if I shout then I am bad by understanding that if I am clear within - I trust myself undefined and even if it looks like I am going too far - I still trust myself that I walk the principle of stopping within and expressing with out.
I commit myself to see and realize when I am falling through over the horse from suppressing to exerting and stop and re-align myself to forgive myself to return to moment as clear and empty within and embrace the presence undefined as principled living within common sense based consideration of what is best for all and me equal as one breath by breath.
I commit myself to direct my live within principle and stop fearing from not being accepted if I stand up for and as principle.
I commit myself to direct situation within common sense at my living quarters without fear from being rejected by others.


Meanwhile I am able to slow and stop within - and finding relaxation within constant action.
The only thing is required to consider my body's limitations and everything else is here - except electricity and internet and mobile network. My limitations I can face within extreme strong sunlight versus my very white skin and my left pointing finger has some serious dysfunction since a while and quite painful it is while using it.
Ticks are everywhere, many-many - even repellents are not holding these tiny monsters back and they love children's blood especially.

We have a very blessed place wherein are multiple fountains.  Yesterday I've helped to clean the little stream and today will continue. I just walked into the nearest village for about 5 km-s - but here is still no mobile network(therefore internet) but at least I can charge up these gadgets to write some.

I enjoy to work in nature - yesterday gathered lots of woods and made fire, cooked, dig and cleaned the stream,  today will clean some bushes and clean the stream more and bring rocks into it.

Back at home at my new flat there is still no cable connection until Tuesday, so I do not hurry - only what bothers me is my writing habits regarding to course and commitment assignments but from next week I will be able to continue each night.
Many things seems to change within - what I see as most important is my drive for find a woman is less - even here in the camp women are not really clothed - I do not feel the urge and the need and obsession towards sex.
I've always noticed that within the city I am more focused to women and sex within my mind than on countryside so this will be a Self-honesty writing walk soon.
The addiction to orgasm seems to fade as well - What I look within is that is this a suppression or a self-honest expression to stop what is not here as relevant in the moment.
Man, how much energy is involved within the sexual mind - once it is released I am not really that changing.
It is really like being lifted from possession.
It is fascinating because here is some nudism and I do see some titties and pussy but not really matters - just bodies - and sometimes I still see my eyes and head moving automatically to specific body parts of women what I've defined as energetically charging but I am continuously releasing.
It is a process - and only self-honesty can assist within seeing that what I can stop in the moment and not using 'path of attainment' as excuse to not stop in and as the moment entirely.

The remaining thing to write today is that I am starting to have a 'capacity' and attention towards my daily waking up process.
Recently I experience it - as no alarm I use in the forest - is that I sleep, I wake up, then I sleep back and then I wake up because my thoughts are getting more and more loud and after all I wake up because I'm fed up with this thinking all the time as annoys me.
It does not have direction or particular topic - it SEEMS to flow randomly about things in my life - like a twisted echo machine.
I sleep still not too much - about 6-7 hours - but for me it is too much - but I've defined that this time I allow myself to just see how and when I wake up.
I even had verbal expression towards others that I might want to wake up before the sun and take some sunrise footages with my camera but not really.

When I started to walk with Desteni, I have found very practical and useful and supportive to say Self-forgiveness-Sleeping wherein there is this:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as moment as me, as breath as me.

I have said it for many days and when I did it - it assisted  - and still there are times when I do take a short nap for instance for 15-30 minutes - and I wake up - I am empty - and I wake up and I act - no thoughts.
But it is not consistent, and in the mornings it only occurs when I use alarm being set on asking me to wake up after 4:30-6:00 hours sleep.

But I must investigate the morning thoughts one by one specifically and de-weed myself one by one.
Even many times I see dreaming is also a some sort of thought-stream but more vivid it's like a mind-state wherein thoughts are more colored and less just like this voiceless-speaker in my head as backchat.

So a backchat diary is required to follow and see the patterns and see the conditions what with they arise for what reason and what is what I do not direct in my life and reflects back through and as the thoughts of mind.
Alright, my charger is getting finished on almost all batteries so I am taking the 5 km walk back to the forest to make some fire and chapati and dig stream and cut grass more and see what comes next.

[JTL 43] I have to move

I have to move.

I've decided to move along - to rent an other place - smaller, cheaper. However I did not find the new place yet. Tomorrow maybe will be one available - but not yet sure. I gave myself a week only to pack up and cleanup and move. That probably means that I have to really focus and do it in all my spare time. But where to that is fascinating that I am not yet sure.
I barely have the money required to pay the new one and I want a cool place yet as cheap as possible - that is one uncertainty.

Also at workplace there are more and more signs what I react with another point that I want to leave. Yet not fully decided. There is a perception within me that I have to decide and from that I have to move with full energy until it's done. This means I am still waiting for something. That is the second uncertainty.

Another point came up today that my left pointer(direction) finger started to hurt like hell since some days - about a month ago I've had a double accident at doing football with workmates when my ankle sprained and my left pointer finger was almost broke with an unplanned and unhealty deflection - strained back up quite much but in that time my ankle had much-much more attention as I was barely able to walk for some weeks. So today I went to an X-ray and it seems to be not broken yet it at moments the pain just enormous while using it. So got my attention.

Let this three points to write about today.

First point - move: I've left only a week for myself to find a place, make the contract, pay for it and pack and move my stuff, clean this place out and move along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not finding a place with my current budget instead of realizing that I can assist and support myself to remain focused within the constant consideration of my financial status.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder about how I am fed up on things instead of considering to use common sense to see what currently I can do and actually do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope that everything will be alright and as I want without even being aware exactly what I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have a discomfort for moving along and changing without resistance and uncertainty and remain undefined.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of entertainment while it is obvious that I have many things to do as I've planned to do so anyways.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this is a default tactic and strategy what I am doing with myself in terms of pressuring myself to the last moment and then when there is no escape and everything seems to fall apart and the deadline is on my shoulder and it is almost literally impossible to do what I want - and by that pressure actually energizing myself to start doing what I must do.

This looks important how could I miss this point since I am - I remember now that I've wrote about this kind of thing before - but it was not this clear.

At university we did this, party until the last moment and then within the pressure doing what we could and many times it was enough and some times it was too late but judging the ratio of success/failure - it was worthy because we could party and entertain the longest time possible.

So that's why I am postponing planning and doing this move because I need the pressure to have the energy from my reaction to it to perform exceptionally.

And within this I've reached the second point - miraculously each point as equal as one is me - "The basic principle is within and as everything what is here as ourselves within Equality and Oneness". But this sentence - until is not in practical action within common sense as the movement of Self-honesty - it is just knowledge and information and as that - pretty useless.

That's why it is imperative the consistent writing as gift to ourselves each day when possible to realize what is here and how to stop the programs as ourselves to explore what means to be really alive without limitation.

So - at work there was a girl who left recently, she was a QA engineer who told at the 'good bye speech' - before the clapping and cake-eating and good bye party that she does not want to stay at a position wherein it is irrelevant that she performs good or not - gets the money and that's all - so she was left. Since then I am realizing that I need pressure to perform efficiently.

And interestingly enough since some weeks I do not have partner in my 'private life'.
There is no pressure on me from outside and it seems like I've always striven for that - with my last partner(for some years) her I had quite some pressure on myself - the temptation to just look another woman was high, especially when we did not have sex regularly - now that's gone - strange need but it's obvious what is it's starting point within me.
So back to pressure from outside - I've accepted the pressure from outside and my ability to adopt to these I've defined as my value.
-but at work there is no huge challenge from bosses - yet I am becoming exhausted within the airless office to do relevant things after office hours
-within partnership - to remain calm with my partner when reacting to her speaking stuff what I could not define not as bullshit is gone - I always had serious issues when she prostrated and prayed and ritualized her mind to buddhas and spoke about love and family and religion as cool stuff and having taboos to speak about and I was suppressing anger towards myself for choosing this kind of girl in the hope that this will change but did not seem and I've judged myself as responsible when experienced her suffer and become nervous and could not walk through the shit and I've also became nervous and from that she was really-really freaked out and then I was screwed and wanted to be alone for a while - so now that's also gone, I am like zen master again in terms of no stress on this seemed to be a huge relief - I am aware of that I've stopped facing an aspect of myself but this was ridiculously insane so no worry.

The biggest challenge at my job currently is to work in the environment what I judge as unhealthy as there is no air and it's hot in the office and that two makes really difficult to use my brain effectively programming business logic for website-making websites and aparently there is nothing what they could do to solve this effectively - but today I've came to the realization that I should consider to switch workplace - however it is convenient to work there - sometimes it is hard and intense but mostly it is cozy - compared to work in a coal mine or at other multinational corporations as abused code-slave - and the money is okay - not very much but not tight either.

At linkedin.com I get offers from headhunters every week multiplied - what I rarely answer to - however I should.

What are the reasons I do not answer:
I had experiences with little Hungarian companies who could not pay properly and I need the money in each month within mathematical precision - and my current employer can do that since 5 years I am working for them within constancy.
I might have to work much more - what would mean being more time in the office and becoming more tired at nights what I've defined as 'my time' - when I can do my desteni process slice and my hobby slice(music, video,film, entertainment).

What are the reasons I should answer and switch job:
-more salary
-more responsibility, more life-people-skills to learn
-more technical skills to learn
-chance to go work abroad - that is much more money and much more challenge
-I always enjoy to learn and perfect more skills and at my work I am quite good within one-two specialized areas but the scene is more broad
-My dream-goal would be to have a part-time/full time media-related job like producing something media what I enjoy: documentary, animation, film, video clip - and it's even possible that I can re-locate within the current company towards that anyways

There was a plan that I relocate to London wherein I have a friend who can assist to find my place and meanwhile stay at his - however he became unsure as well about being there is cool and myself as well while I had my partner here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself effectively within consideration of physical and financial resources unconditionally within common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move only when there is a pressure from outside as forces what I am bound to stand up to otherwise pain and suffering I experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to move effectively within self-expression only when I see that there is an immediate pressure and inconvenience within what I am being sucked into and occupied by entirely.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can not really see more far than my troubles are manifested around me currently because beyond my troubles I can do my entertainment therefore I never really dared to see beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my needs and desires within myself by constantly being occupied with entertainment within feelings what I want to experience and only moving when inconvenience, pain and suffering I experience and only until when I can stop that to continue my interest of doing my entertainment what is never defined directly as entertainment however when seeing it within common sense it actually is.

Today I even had some sort of shame - for being lost for so long years and doing nothing relevant and real - and that was also when a doubt came about leaving my partner with relation to my intense left pointing finger pain since a month.

But today even I had the thought, that I'd rather let my finger rot down instead of continue that relationship as without it I am 100 times less stressful - or at least it has not only one 'long, curly haired beauty' surface in my life.

That was an interesting thinking pattern also.

As I had an other thinking thread that if she so much made me nervous - what in fact meant that I've made myself nervous about points projected to her within myself - so then why I did not forgive those points instead of leaving her?


I mostly always offered her that I am open for REAL agreement, but she wanted only one agreement term: 'let be in peace and kind and do stuff what we think that is good for the other' and for me it was not specific and practical enough, especially after years of this is not working and never lived together and regardless of all madness we manifested and then she concluded that I do not love her, that's why I am mad at her and can't accept her as she is and then I said alright so then and that's all.

So I'd rather not rebound: this is clear.

With regards to the pain for my finger - it is direction - not structural direction but self-expression-direction - if (t)here is any.

I can not really close my left hand into fist now - but doctor said I should push that and practice within hot water - however for me in this moment seems like nonsense as what comes up first is to make it rest and not use it anyway - but he told me specifically that against that I must move into the pain slowly and by that it might heal.

So then my direction will be towards points what I've defined and in fact already manifested as inconvenient and even painful - as consequences - but if that is required - my direction should not be stopped even with some pain either.

As my personality has formed mostly by avoiding painful/bad/negative  physical/real and mind:imagined:emotional experiences - and moving towards pleasured/good/positive physical/body experiences and mind:imagined:feelings - to stop it is inevitable.

The most imminent reaction towards these what I've wrote is the fear from failure - what if I'm wrong - what if I make mistake and what if I will be judged?

After all these things what I want to do is go out the city and just do things what I am sure makes me more relaxed and focus to body how it functions and amalgamate - go to nature, play music, cook food, sleep outside, dance at party and let everything go and let the stress beyond - without fear of being judged as irresponsible and selfish - however I am already quite sure that I will not stick to this as 'partyboy' and just remain within the honey-trap of entertainment and self-interest - but somehow within pushing myself and not giving rest and letting things go since quite some time - I've accumulated this reasoning for go out and have fun - just enjoy myself without anything serious - the world will wait for me - and then I think that the abuse and immense shit in global scale just compounds while I am going to music festival or wild-camping in the forest does not seem right - however I must consider myself as some more decades-long expression process so then I can get along with just having fun for some days.

And with my hi-tech gadgets - even in the farest forest-swamp I can do blog or vlog even daily so then I am sure there will be plenty of time for self-correction anyways.
So that's it for today. I will continue with Self-forgiveness to see where I deceive myself within these words and why and to forgive that too and continuing with Self-correction.




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writing again

writing down all to me
writing down that if i let go of discipline and decision - I loose perspective - I become self oriented.
writing down that if i let go of principle and dedication - I think
writing down that if i let go of breath awareness - I am lost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to let go of discipline, decision, principle, dedication, breath - is because I think - is because I am lost.

It is unacceptable to accept myself as I am lost, as I am thinking - I stop thinking - I stop being lost - I am here. I breathe through the energetic experience of being lost - I let go - I breath. I remain as presence.

I forgive myself that I accepted myself to define myself as the energetic experience of being lost.
I am here - I am here as expression - within and as the physical. No way to be lost here - as long as I am not dead - I can not be lost - as I have a physical location - here. I am all ways here - I am literally 'here'.
I must direct my situation - I want to become standalone - financially first - to stand without waving.

So I must leave my job. Regardless of money - I must find a more practical way - to make more income with less time - because the time is with I can not deal - it goes - I walk as time if I walk without being pulled down just because of working for money to be able to then I express myself.
I transform already my work and job expression into something without thinking - however - not yet simple breathing presence - it requires discipline and methodology to embrace all situations.

Actually it is very supporting to be in a repetitive place like my workplace is - when I develop inner silence through applied self-will and self-honesty.
Because this one I trust - within self honesty - am I silent? No.
This is obvious - because I have some reference points regarding to exist within no thinking yet being present - but through the long druggy participation meanwhile - those must be transcended first - to be able to face direct experience - then that one can be realized and transcended as well - it is like an onion - or an additive filter-group - each one filters something out from the reality experience - each a little - but there are many - and therefore one's reality is actually very little - so to speak - what one can experience - so then that must be specific and those points form a personality behind and fed by mind-energy - emotions,feelings,thoughts, depicting memory - all energy - addiction to the energy what moves through my body, like wires what are sucking out my physical power continuously - mind is an abomination. must be stopped.
I can not trust a human really who has "moving" mind. Therefore I do not trust myself as well when I am in active thinking for instance - total bullshit. Stop. Breathe. Directly 'see' points and move, act, breath, next.
I must add that something already realized - or being realized - or must be realized - writing has to be very natural.
Not much - simply directly the situation - no need 'dear diary - I am going through a lot of things' -- divertion -- direct specific words -- for instance - 'I write more - because without it - I am being lost.'
Too much happen to be able to write in the 'normal' way - that describing situations and then what happened and I experienced like that -- I must direct myself out from three situations at least:
-finish the museum job asap - it should not be more than some weeks - if I push - otherwise it will rot - and this job I do just because of my polishing my CV - so just do it.
-find a deadline when to : -resignate from job, from the flat what I rent - last date is march - but the more sooner - the more better...

-send the package somehow to sa

if this three will be done - that would mean - I am ready to move and change and find better job - what motivates me more and gives more flexibility to do my own stuff

What

What I've been doing since I was writing here - I was working and I was spending time with my partner - who goes through intense self facing recently and it is fascinating to see how I stand within this - as she had issues as intense self judgement and self abuse and even destruction with alcohol and separating herself from reality at home and storming inside and hating herself -- in fact she does not doing this - but did in past - and sometimes it comes back - in these moments she evades me - simply does not want me to see and experience her like this - but it is obviously not a solution - I told her face me with yourself not with pretending - and I told her that if we do agreement - we can trust each other more than possible - but I experienced a bit of evading about it - okay she was traveling and she was in jogacamp and art camp and things like that - as she is teacher in the year and can not go away really - only in summer, so she does - but yet I was aware of she was avoiding me.
So I told her, and also I shared some stories about what happened with me regarding to other girls - as Gy was who I wanted to be but then I realized she is still worshipping with spiritual buddhism, and she was utterly robotic sometimes and also refused my physical 'closeness' - so I finally wrote an email to her to simply stand by principle as self honesty or fuck off - then she took back from seeking after me...so when I shared this with my partner - I wanted to let her know that I kind of 'like' her expression but I do not wave toward her personally, if she is not moving as self as facing as stopping addictions - then I wont suppor her - so it was tough...
Also I stopped sexual fantasies and desires for unrealistic sexual experiences such as orgies and having intense sexual meetings - but by stopping that - I noticed that I wanted to have more sex with her - what I defined as cool, because I was like - this is step one - to focusing all this to physical level - but when she evaded me - even a bit jeaolousy came up as maybe she is not meeting with me because she is having sex with other lolol
But in fact she did not - she was inside her head and she was 'down' within the energy game. So then I told her to meet - and she wanted to refuse first, but I told her, 'I dare you to face me' so we met and she was a bit indeed bitchy but we could push through and spoke about it -- she agreed to write more and 'make list' and doing things and making them 'checked out' - to build self will, self-direction, self-trust.
As she told - she was doing fine - and three days later I visited her and she was again a bit bitchy - 'turned in' a bit, she had pain in stomach, she told me she is tired, wants to sleep, but she couldnt - simply wanted to deny my presence and I did not accept this - we even did sex - what was quite effective, but in a moment she faded away from @HERE@ and then she stopped and it was obvious that something came up but she did not want to share - I was like wtf, and then I was like her for a moment - she was like 'I dont care, let me be' blah blah and then I was like this for a moment -- and it was fascinating to see - is this me or her - and I was like - okay it's gone - so it is interesting to see - but maybe it was her within me - or something came up from 'past of me' - but in fact if something from past of me comes HERE - then it is not the past lol.

So then we spoke more then she told me she has pain, tired, she must rest - then I was like, okay -- at night I do not sleep much - I was busy with recording the moon and clouds and things like that and then we spoke more and then I told her, I go sleep - then in the morning after a big hug I left - After two days she wrote to me that she realized that she is very grotesque as she went too far and she decided to STOP and change real - and then she called me and then I wrote her some emails, sent some already translated stuff such as Joao and Joana self forgiveness physical system transcendance asissistance with Mykey and the Solution that I am here - these I translated one or two years ago and assisted me much...
Also I am going to this goa festival on tuesday - I will help a guy on stage packing and he will use my laptop - ambient music - and then I will dance for Psykovsky - what I like - intense, direct russian trance music...
In the last several tranceparties - much self expression things I realized - and I am going to share this points -- regarding to how to transform trance dance from druggy mind experience into physical self expression as I am here.

Also fascinating to see how I stand with this - and I did not want to go into Gy-s tent as she told me that I should sleep with her again - but I did not want - as we would disagree with starting point and also I did not like the idea to sleep with her because she refused me when I wanted to have sex with her -- lol exposing truth.
My partner also told me that she would attend - but she prefers to sleep within her tent - to be able to have guests by her own - what I did not like as an idea - and I told her that I should prefer ONE woman but that one absolutely to walk as principle - but at this moment I walk with her - why do not let her 'be'? As I am aware of the 'agreement terms (and conditions lolol)' are compromised - as she is not even aware of all of the tools how to stand and forgive -- self forgiveness we discussed but she did not try - she uses the phrase that 'simply just words wont solve this' and 'this is not my style, I am not of (wo)mann of words, I express different, with dance etc)' - and I explained her how I experience this and how words are the building-blocks of all realiity and in one point she got it...
So within the limited time (about 3-4months) I will be here - I decided to stand by her - to assist her and me within stability - and I am aware of the increasing pressure that I push to her about what I do not accept ---- within past when I started process - I simply stated out ' you are all robots, this is the matrix, stand by me or die' - and simply it was stupid...

I am also aware of that I am with her because of the sexual thing - she is quite effective within sexual expressions and we can enjoy - and she is one of the some who do not seek after orgasm - many women I spoke recently and they almost all did not like the idea of having sex but not having orgasm - as this is not the point I would engage - simp0ly of the physical expression and if orgasm is coming, then it is okay, but if actually I stand within the stable physical expression without participation in energy - then orgasm is not required, it comes only if we decide so... so the whole point was when we started to meet to assist each other - not only within sex but all ways - so we will see -- also I am aware of that I have the tendency to 'get out' by saying 'I dont like this - it's fucked' -- instead of communicating, common sense, assist and first stand with and as the other -- so at this moment I stand - and if I realize that I accept compromise - then I stand up from it and we will see that our little 'agreement and support' will last...

It assisted me very much to be physical here - by standing and expressing physically - but the more I push, the more shit comes up from inside - so I push until I breath.

I also started to script up I vote for Equal money system video - I wrote something, I wrote a part of it on paper, I did a video when I read it up to camera - but I will 'practice a bit more' before I finally record to video - I am directing myself.

Also I did not cut my hair in the week - I was busy and I was about to 'after the week' - and today I had a thought - maybe on the next week - then I walked out to eat something and then I did it -- any resistance in this point next time - I will write about it, it is very specific.

walkingbreath

Walking breath breathing walk.

I could not let the XTK unnoticed - I will get it, it will be here soon.
I will support my family with a bit money in every month - mother and her husband are a bit out of the box in these days - mother attempted to commit suicide but then ambulance came and washed out the overdosed medicines - her husband did the same about some months before - now she is in the closed part of psychiatry - and her husband could not be much time without her at home - he is defined as alcoholic - so he went after my mother - they are quite freaky sometimes and mostly are always on drgus(pills prescripted by doctor) - so at these days they are a bit more happy and stable so to speak -- the system is taking care of them, they are held by the facility and my mother told me that when woke up she cried for one day - and she realized something -- I told her that I will see..
Her husband told me that the cause of why she did it is because of the lack of money - I did not agree with that point - also before I went to South Africa - I told my mother that I will give some money for them to not suffer financially - for me it is not a big effort to give them about 80 euros per a month - and they will think less -- I always wanted to do this but before I was too occupied with myself and with my issues - years before I spent most of the money to drugs and parties and travels and hi-tech stuffs -- after that I payed back my loans - and then I was busy to have great computer, music instruments, audio studio, video stuffs - now they are here - so I can give them some - I told my mother that I will be able to give them until I have this job - after that possibly not...
But then I wont accept any excuse from my mother about not enouh money they have to survive - so will see this support will help her self support to be able to face herself and writing - will see...
My sister is not stopping call me about to visit her and her boyfriend and also my mother at psychiatry.
I say that I have many todos especially my second job - what I do about in each second night - for hours - this paysite is not a huge work but at nights I progress more slowly than in the office - and also I am alone... but the progress I see - great experience to see things working what I want to make and manifest - simply because I decided to do so.

That crying thing is fascinating as yesterday I called Gy to go together to a musician guy who I can refer as friend - but she could not come - and after hours she called me that she cried because of her decisions and manifested consequences.
Fascinating. I told her that I can help her change but not whining so it was direct and cool.
Today "I" called me - who I work for with the second job but regardless to the job we can have quite a presence together - she started to grow like a plant and week by week I see how she is waking up so to speak and sometimes it is hard for her to realize what she is accepting and doing - simply by the enormous job quantity she is carrying.
So today she also called me and told me that she cried.
This is kind of cool.
Tomorrow I will continue watching the new SRA lesson and will write about mind construct and timeline - and also some self forgiveness related to an event what I wrote about today. About woman and energy and how I operate as 'hunter'. Fascinating I must stop this - it is already happening but I must open every point and then embrace the decision to stop all time and remain stable here.