What

What I've been doing since I was writing here - I was working and I was spending time with my partner - who goes through intense self facing recently and it is fascinating to see how I stand within this - as she had issues as intense self judgement and self abuse and even destruction with alcohol and separating herself from reality at home and storming inside and hating herself -- in fact she does not doing this - but did in past - and sometimes it comes back - in these moments she evades me - simply does not want me to see and experience her like this - but it is obviously not a solution - I told her face me with yourself not with pretending - and I told her that if we do agreement - we can trust each other more than possible - but I experienced a bit of evading about it - okay she was traveling and she was in jogacamp and art camp and things like that - as she is teacher in the year and can not go away really - only in summer, so she does - but yet I was aware of she was avoiding me.
So I told her, and also I shared some stories about what happened with me regarding to other girls - as Gy was who I wanted to be but then I realized she is still worshipping with spiritual buddhism, and she was utterly robotic sometimes and also refused my physical 'closeness' - so I finally wrote an email to her to simply stand by principle as self honesty or fuck off - then she took back from seeking after me...so when I shared this with my partner - I wanted to let her know that I kind of 'like' her expression but I do not wave toward her personally, if she is not moving as self as facing as stopping addictions - then I wont suppor her - so it was tough...
Also I stopped sexual fantasies and desires for unrealistic sexual experiences such as orgies and having intense sexual meetings - but by stopping that - I noticed that I wanted to have more sex with her - what I defined as cool, because I was like - this is step one - to focusing all this to physical level - but when she evaded me - even a bit jeaolousy came up as maybe she is not meeting with me because she is having sex with other lolol
But in fact she did not - she was inside her head and she was 'down' within the energy game. So then I told her to meet - and she wanted to refuse first, but I told her, 'I dare you to face me' so we met and she was a bit indeed bitchy but we could push through and spoke about it -- she agreed to write more and 'make list' and doing things and making them 'checked out' - to build self will, self-direction, self-trust.
As she told - she was doing fine - and three days later I visited her and she was again a bit bitchy - 'turned in' a bit, she had pain in stomach, she told me she is tired, wants to sleep, but she couldnt - simply wanted to deny my presence and I did not accept this - we even did sex - what was quite effective, but in a moment she faded away from @HERE@ and then she stopped and it was obvious that something came up but she did not want to share - I was like wtf, and then I was like her for a moment - she was like 'I dont care, let me be' blah blah and then I was like this for a moment -- and it was fascinating to see - is this me or her - and I was like - okay it's gone - so it is interesting to see - but maybe it was her within me - or something came up from 'past of me' - but in fact if something from past of me comes HERE - then it is not the past lol.

So then we spoke more then she told me she has pain, tired, she must rest - then I was like, okay -- at night I do not sleep much - I was busy with recording the moon and clouds and things like that and then we spoke more and then I told her, I go sleep - then in the morning after a big hug I left - After two days she wrote to me that she realized that she is very grotesque as she went too far and she decided to STOP and change real - and then she called me and then I wrote her some emails, sent some already translated stuff such as Joao and Joana self forgiveness physical system transcendance asissistance with Mykey and the Solution that I am here - these I translated one or two years ago and assisted me much...
Also I am going to this goa festival on tuesday - I will help a guy on stage packing and he will use my laptop - ambient music - and then I will dance for Psykovsky - what I like - intense, direct russian trance music...
In the last several tranceparties - much self expression things I realized - and I am going to share this points -- regarding to how to transform trance dance from druggy mind experience into physical self expression as I am here.

Also fascinating to see how I stand with this - and I did not want to go into Gy-s tent as she told me that I should sleep with her again - but I did not want - as we would disagree with starting point and also I did not like the idea to sleep with her because she refused me when I wanted to have sex with her -- lol exposing truth.
My partner also told me that she would attend - but she prefers to sleep within her tent - to be able to have guests by her own - what I did not like as an idea - and I told her that I should prefer ONE woman but that one absolutely to walk as principle - but at this moment I walk with her - why do not let her 'be'? As I am aware of the 'agreement terms (and conditions lolol)' are compromised - as she is not even aware of all of the tools how to stand and forgive -- self forgiveness we discussed but she did not try - she uses the phrase that 'simply just words wont solve this' and 'this is not my style, I am not of (wo)mann of words, I express different, with dance etc)' - and I explained her how I experience this and how words are the building-blocks of all realiity and in one point she got it...
So within the limited time (about 3-4months) I will be here - I decided to stand by her - to assist her and me within stability - and I am aware of the increasing pressure that I push to her about what I do not accept ---- within past when I started process - I simply stated out ' you are all robots, this is the matrix, stand by me or die' - and simply it was stupid...

I am also aware of that I am with her because of the sexual thing - she is quite effective within sexual expressions and we can enjoy - and she is one of the some who do not seek after orgasm - many women I spoke recently and they almost all did not like the idea of having sex but not having orgasm - as this is not the point I would engage - simp0ly of the physical expression and if orgasm is coming, then it is okay, but if actually I stand within the stable physical expression without participation in energy - then orgasm is not required, it comes only if we decide so... so the whole point was when we started to meet to assist each other - not only within sex but all ways - so we will see -- also I am aware of that I have the tendency to 'get out' by saying 'I dont like this - it's fucked' -- instead of communicating, common sense, assist and first stand with and as the other -- so at this moment I stand - and if I realize that I accept compromise - then I stand up from it and we will see that our little 'agreement and support' will last...

It assisted me very much to be physical here - by standing and expressing physically - but the more I push, the more shit comes up from inside - so I push until I breath.

I also started to script up I vote for Equal money system video - I wrote something, I wrote a part of it on paper, I did a video when I read it up to camera - but I will 'practice a bit more' before I finally record to video - I am directing myself.

Also I did not cut my hair in the week - I was busy and I was about to 'after the week' - and today I had a thought - maybe on the next week - then I walked out to eat something and then I did it -- any resistance in this point next time - I will write about it, it is very specific.