[JTL 152] Let go Fear and Desire to start LIVING

As I really started to stop participate within judgement, energetic mind, fear and desires I started to face points I have never experienced - more precisely: I was never aware of..the life of beyond desires and fears...

I had 'ideas' about it that these kind of things I will have to face but the actual taste is obviously different than expected.

What I've realized that stopping judging positive or negative changes the already manifested energetic equilibrium within my mind, body and in fact the whole beingness.

I was able to notice to stop motivations within me - sounds strange, right? - which are based on desire or fear to an extent that I've noticed I am not moving that much automatically.

I was observing myself not moving, even to the extent that I woke up and I remained in bed - of course that's just alright after a week of hard work on a shiny Saturday morning - but not for me who I've defined myself to be - "I am always enthusiastic to jump out from the bed and do the things I usually do"- however for some weeks I was just stopping - stopping sexual desire(while sleeping with a beauty), stopping worry and fear from financial issues and car crash(learning to drive in the biggest traffic) so it seems like I went nuts by becoming not motivated from a normal human perspective, right?

These things(desires, fears) stimulate me, influence me, move me only because I allow it - I've realized this, so the question within Self-honesty was

"Is it good for me giving permission to my mind to allow external circumstances to define me who I am in any moment?"

Within Radical Freedom I say NO - but what is the current personality of humanity(which we could approximate if we would take all human into one body 'theoretically') would say:

desire is cool, because pulls you towards which is good(for you)
fear is supporting, because pushes you away which is bad(for you).

But within the starting point of Absolute Self-honesty I realized this is the very essence of the enslavement we all humans are accepting and allowing within ourselves, which is the manifestation of the REAL Matrix we live within - the Mind Consciousness System with it's all rules, definitions, judgements, the core of the problem which is in fact separation - preventing each and every human being to embrace and unify their very core of beingness of what is physically here, undefined, un-polarized but directly realize/see/experience everything as self here.

Obviously this is the goal of many agendas, forces, interests within this world referred as spiritual, enlightenment, religious, secret- or mass-formations while their intent seems good, valid and positive, they are all lost within consciousness systems having no reference, no taste, no power of what entails to be or even comprehend of what it means to reach our greatest potential transcending consciousness as LIFE and having no practical way in any way whatsoever how to deal with the currently manifested human systems which are obviously took over and directing our very essence of how and who we are today as humanity as on individual level and as a whole as well.

Myself I've investigated, followed, tried, became some of these methodologies in terms of copycatting, evolve and time loop within the certain pre-programmed steps of these -'ism'-s, which I do not go into explaining today - only saying I had the motivation, energy and time to give myself fully into these symbolic attempts, practices and today here being able to smoothly and certainly - consistently and clearly say that these will become blind alleys, dead ends if one is able to apply Self-honesty in terms of using practical common sense about the capabilities of one's realizations and power over oneself and the world to able to be applied; meaning being able to change one's beingness, the various system manifestations within this world which is currently directing the already manifested accepted habit of harm against life, the abuse, the disregard of respect all life equally.

Any master, guru, lama, rimpoche, priest, monk, coach, guide, seer, shaman or whatever they are being called, who can not face any systems within this world without being able to walk through it, understand it, wording and explaining it and find practical, physically doable ways to stop it and transform it to be aligned with the interest of all life is simply a lie, a cheat, a pretend, a con and within that it is part of the system of and those individuals are also lost within delusions and in fact are the agents of the enslavement without them seeing/knowing/realizing it.

Anyone can feel good, say wildly wise words who has food, water, shelter, fat income - but to deny those who has not such within the starting point of any interest is the real evil in this world because if one really dares to walk the Self-realization can inevitably see/understand/realize the only thing that really matters is Physical Equality. Anyone denies it is still walking out the maze of consciousness systems of EGO without seeing the exit.

Within current human system - except the continuously reducing number of places - money is the fuel of surviving, the blood of life and until that accepted system is neglecting anyone in the excuse of 'without hard work, belief or knowledge or royalty or money: one should not eat' - humans are nothing else but savages, beasts, demonic forces stripped away from real love, compassion, lacking the very essence of what it means to be aware.

These words might seem harsh, wild accusations from an extreme point of view but it is not me to judge but embrace what is here and if this is here - this is what we must acknowledge first in order to be able to understand, stop and change as ourselves as equal as one, step by step, accumulating with the simple mathematics of 1+1=2.

I've walked some areas of Earth wherein faced extreme poverty, suffering and neglect and I might seem pessimistic or even stoic but I exist as nothing of that kind.

I am optimistic and idealistic, because I start to understand that in fact we can stand up within ourselves and being each of us The Society as the Representative of All Life and step by step be aligned with the Unification of Man, the Desteni of the Universe, which is Equality and Oneness on Earth. Practical Appreciation of Equal Life within all humans is obviously the Eye of the Needle which is our real purpose and only those who are proven to be standing for All Life Equally should be referred as LIFE for accumulating towards a future which is indeed best for all.

I always consider myself, my life as being extremely lucky, even that many of what I entail of has nothing to do with luck, still countless of who I am today is of luck - I am grateful, I am sober, I am responsible.

Within Investigation of various human system manifestations it became clear to me that the economic, political, educational and media forces are directing humanity's future which I am interested with in order to transform ourselves to being capable of stopping accepting HELL ON EARTH for billions while systematically exterminating our own breathing environment, the animals, plants, oceans, nature, basically everything like a cancer, a virus within absolutely possessed with ideas of our delusion with the experience of consciousness evolution while we imagine, project our energetic, virtual, egoistic, self-interested mind towards various beautiful experiences of HEAVENS.

So the solution is right front of us, here, directly, and only those do not see what is here who want to enforce their own truth through the starting point of their EGO mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions and not realizing that each and every single being is busy facing self as truth while disregarding what is already here in and as physical reality.

And within seeing/realizing/understanding the delusion as our truth - stopping is common sense, taking responsibility for what is here is common sense and indeed making our hands dirty and deal with these economic, political, educational, media, military etc forces what who we are currently while being absolutely clear, consistent within the starting point of who we REALLY are as the Seed of EQUAL LIFE within each.

That is why the Equal Life Foundation - group of people who realized they are LIFE - is busy investigating, researching, exploring possible practical ways to manifest a world which is Best for all by each is giving what would like to receive - even within the current economic, political system.

That is Living Income Guaranteed, not just a basic income, but a liveable life-support for all newborn, all seed of life equally - with a fraction of the computational power currently we have with technology we could already operate a simple, transparent monetary system wherein each human's food, shelter, health care and education is taken care of.

No revolution, war, aggression is required at all - those are of fear, which is also part of the consciousness trap - we all should rather see the advantages of the system which is being promoted in the name of democracy, the power of One Man - One Vote which through each and every individual could and should stand up for manifesting an establishment which ensures the basic requirements for our physical living - without that currently many are facing reality as being neglected, disregarded to degrade living into surviving, fight, pain and suffering, which is unnecessary and none of us, who currently have goodies would want this for ourselves.

That is why the individuals who are walking Desteni I Process do promote LIG, because they equally realized the common sense of the same realization that LIFE must come first and if any system, even if the monetary system neglects that respect for life, then it is unacceptable, it must be understood, changed but not within the starting point of reaction/judgement/separation/fear/anger - rather than within unification, embrace and transform from inside out as equal as one as ourselves step by step, breath by breath.

That is why we can stand out and dare to say to each who promote love and light, compassion and positivity that the real compassion must be considered in this human system, this humanity and this Earth is all what we've got and critical, self-honest, cross-referencing self- and world-investigation is required to be able to stand up for all life.

Because within positivity, there is the other polarity within separation with negativity, which is of judgement, of consciousness, of mind of fear what always reflects back as lack of power, lack of stability, lack of absolute self-trust which is required to face the things what already manifested on Earth and are far away from being cool.

A process of re-alignment is required, a self-investigation of letting go all toxic and automatic inner reactions we accept and allow as inferiority, separation, self-interest and fear.

Simple - within fulfilling my desire I do not desire it - because I experience it - or my reaction to the fulfillment of my desire - so only those desire who do not experience, it is common sense. But to question experience, it's consequence is also part of the package what should be considered - as experience will not last and are being subjected to facts - and also within the common sense point of if I allow myself to be determined by and as experience - am I really real or only something what is of conditions, conscience, consciousness systems?

So after all this - I return to how I've started this whole point - why I do this stopping desire, stopping fear - as it seems to be the greatest fuel of the human - it is in fact limitation, it is enslavement, it is not who we really are as life as equality, because we use our MIND to connect, to define, to judge, to fulfill, to experience, to express through and therefore physically become as.

It is explained perfectly within this Equality and Oneness system design:

"Once you participate within the Unified Consciousness Field the only way you are going to be Oneness and Equality with the Mind within the Unified Consciousness Field of this world if you have a relationship with someone or something separate from you. Therefore:

Let's say if you have a relationship with something or someone of this world, you are trapped, enslaved, you are a goner, you are done, you are the slave to the mind, the Unified Consciousness Field, you are in the prison of your own creation...."

The original interview:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DFG5xutHEw

That is why I stop my mind and desires what automatically move me - I do not accept myself having a personality which I give permission to tell me who I am; especially within the realization that I am all life here equally - there is no need for personality which through I am always separated from all what is here.

Yet we are all infused with various layered fear-mechanism to never question, never go beyond our perceived 'self' - for instance sometimes I experience this physical shock-like state of fear - so intense, so brutally real - the desire for give into the energies, to avoid certain uncomfortability, fear, pain, just to remain limited, programmed, separated from all what is here, but within the overwhelming experience I do not see that and it's consequences and it is a problem - that is what we accumulated through aeons of time and the same accumulation is required within consistent application to investigate, understand, embrace, stop and change our very beingness of who we are within the realization of we are all LIFE within each act we do(or not do).

That is why I work on this mind I see, that is my real job and within this system, no one is telling me to do so - yet I do not stop it until it's necessary and I also can not tell anyone to walk through the mind, the consciousness, the limitation, the thoughts, feelings, emotions, the fear, the desire - it is the decision which only SELF can decide and walk out from the maze of consciousness mind energies and explore what is beyond that and we well see who is really life, who is able to take responsibility for all what is here.

Who can not walk through the one self's mind are still in the process of self-realization of what is real, what is not and if self is not willing to give up the delusion of self-interest, the self-virtualization of of clever thoughts, great feelings and perceived personality to all-life's interest - then the basic principle of existence will assist and support to show, face and directly experience what one is accepting and allowing within and as Equality and Oneness.

The physical reality is the greatest assistance within our life to see directly within consistency to experience of who we accepted and allowed ourselves to become on individual and also whole level of humanity and everything will fall which is not life, which is not eternal within equality and oneness as self. And certainly will not go away until we change within and with out as it is who we are, as we are here, the world is HERE as equal as one. Simple.

It might not be pleasant to lose all what was never real if one is still holding onto it - that is why it is suggested to let go everything unconditionally moment by moment, breath by breath within common sense yet remaining practical, aligning to what is best for all.

And within practical consideration of the current human system, we still have to eat, rest, remain healthy, support our children so that means most of us has to remain in the system, but learn to be not of the system - and earn money - so it is not about becoming monk and go into cave to meditate on all of this - and certainly not to revolt, fight as it is ourselves what we face in all ways - but the solution is that we all have to become activist, economist, and even politician within the consideration of "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself".

And also important to mention that even when letting go desire and stopping fear - we still can be here and compared to conditions enjoy ourselves, each other while standing up for all life.

So this is radical freedom as one can never imagine the 'freedom' what is waiting here beyond desire and fear until not transcended fully within our physical actions.

So in the next post I will continue with my personal experiences and realizations of stopping my desires and fears while and as I do walk the writing Journey to Life blogs, sharing VLOGS, listening to EQAFE, investigating existing human systems, walking online course of Desteni I Process.

Here is a very supportive audio interviews about Consciousness(and it's whole series):

[JTL 112] Waking up as moment as me - Part 3

I have some issues with my eye so I had to minimize my screen-staring time - however I do not stop stopping the mind.

Continuing on the last post of

• [JTL 110] Waking up in the morning as moment as me 
•  [JTL 111] Waking up as moment as me - Part 2

I used to use different techniques to deepen my inner silence and those were not equal and one as myself therefore I was bound to conditions. The very conditions I've defined myself with in terms of rooting myself into consistent stability within constant physical presence.
The deeper I 'feel' to 'experience' this silence - things come up and I have the tendency to react and by that reaction being occupied and by that occupation 'coming back to the surface' wherein I am busy reacting with and to: thoughts.

Herein referring 'deep' as silence and surface as conscious mind.

The starting point is not specific of this, the simplicity is prevailing within the polarity of 'superficial' versus 'profound' because no matter where I am in fact I am always 'here' within the realization and consideration of who I am as starting point and physical expression.

So by that I correct myself here to stop this polarity of 'deep silence' versus 'superficial noisiness' as both is of and as definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I accept and allow thoughts during my day - it will be a pattern what will come back and as I've accepted it previously - if I do not change - I will accept it again.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have not fully, really explored what it means to practically not accepting thoughts as reactions within me during the day when facing something what I judge, react with instead of directly, silently, equal as one live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined/thought/accepted things and tools and methods and substances/stimulations/energies to silent myself within and living the relationship what I have accepted towards these to induce the experience of silence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I 'let there' within my mind - it will not disappear by itself unless I stop it and remove and correct myself not reacting the same way.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within breathing I have developed a method by thinking being aware of the breath meanwhile thinking and feeling like focusing on breathing and in fact thinking and controlling breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be absolutely specific to thought patterns, each to see what is the starting point, reason, the specific fear I go into it and learn how to practically decompose and remember to PREVENT it when it comes again.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the simplicity within Self-honesty to see what I am accepting and allowing within and taking granted what is within as it is who I am and never questioning it every time when I am not fully aware to the utmost degree of what I am doing, how I am feeling, why I am thinking.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why and when I go into thinking according to what exactly I do with my human physical body and reckoning the patterns I go into the mind while stimulating it with those specific body postures, movements.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why I exactly fear from facing and correcting myself with the points I think about and not realizing that I am completely able to overcome the fear and face it and let it go if I use the tools of consistent writing, Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, breathing within physical presence, Self-correction and Self-commitments step by step.

When and as I notice a thought - I realize until I correct the reason and fear as self-dishonesty it means in physical - it will remain as myself as creation as separated from me in and as the mind as thought.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that until I do not correct physically the reason, the fear as Self-dishonesty the thought means - it will remain as myself as creation as separated from me in and as the mind as thought.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that correcting physically a thought means standing within the understanding how and why it's been created and live correction to not fall into the energetic temptation of the mind again and remain stable, consistent within the decision of Self-correction.

When and as I do not realize I am thinking - I realize I must be thinking that's why I am not aware of am I thinking or not - therefore I slow down, and stop within - and I breathe.

When and as I am stopping and breathing here - I realize it is nothing to be judged, fear, think - I stop participate within polarity of the mind defining that I am deep in silence or I am at the surface - I am here, I am present, I disregard thoughts within the understanding how and why they come.

When and as I think of things - I realize I fear not being able to deal with it or fear from forgetting or fear from making a mistake or fear from consequence or fear from who I am and what I will manifest - I slow down - I stop - I breathe and I realize I am here - there here-ness I am and I trust myself here and if I mistake - I do not judge, I correct myself, I forgive myself, I learn, I change, I live unconditionally.

When and as I fear from making a mistake - I realize I am not the mistake and I do not require to define myself by mistakes - but take responsibility and consider consequences within common sense and trust myself and see what comes up in regards to doubt and specifically forgive, let go that and expand within self-trust breath by breath.

When and as I think about women - I realize it is fear and desire and I stop it and I realize - I act rather than react - there is nothing to be fear from and there is nothing to be desired - I am expression here.

When and as I experience devotion, desire I realize it is from energy of mind - it is not myself - I am letting go desire and use common sense and let go all definition-based judgments what cause me to feel lacking and not acting and not question the feelings within Self-honesty.

When and as I think about money - I slow down and I consider facts and I use common sense and I realize fear and worry does not assist and feeling good about having money is the same as worry not having - distraction from here within polarity according to fear or the equation to fear therefore I stop, I breathe, I let it go unconditionally.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts coming up in my mind and directly be here and trust myself to not need to have a reaction/inner dialogue/backchat to judge/define/tell me what is happening, who I am, who I must be.

I commit myself to not accept any thoughts by default and I commit myself to not trust thoughts as myself but realize that it is a consequence of previously accepted separation from what is here.

I commit myself to stop defining silence within based on polarity and realizing I am here within presence or not and there is no middle ground - and the compass is Self-honesty and physical breathing.

[JTL 111] Waking up as moment as me - Part 2

Continuing on

• [JTL 110] Waking up in the morning as moment as me

Investigating what thoughts come up and the position lying in the bed what brings up.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I wake up in the bed about the women who rejected me and think about women I've rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I have been rejected by others and I have rejected others within not being absolutely sure as my decision and thinking about possibilities as 'what if' within hope and not realizing hope is against action, against common sense and not practical, not real and within the energy reaction towards the images towards hope I am disregarding what is here and escape who I am in and as physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I wake up about the job parts at my workplace I have to do, solve and in fact those are areas what I am not experienced, comfortable and judged as complication and difficult and boring and by those relationship feeling heaviness and resistance.

I forgive myself that I have not realized when I go into thinking when I wake up in my bed and speeding up within my head already, by default without being aware of my human physical body here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am disregarding my physical presence when I wake up in the morning and I think about things I am not absolutely sure about.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand why exactly I allow a specific thought-pattern in the morning when I wake up and not act immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as good when I wake up in the morning and I can stay in bed and think-about, and not realizing that I am not just 'wake up and be here' but actually I am imagining, reacting to what is already gone and based on that projecting images towards my perceived future and reacting to that according to who I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I wake up I am not moment as me as Life but as consciousness systems programmed to be stimulated by the circumstance of I am in the bed after waking up regarding to what happened with me before.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within thinking in the bed when I wake up - I am responsible for becoming tired because tiredness is already existing within and as the mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having energy to wake up in the morning if I do not participate within the thoughts of mind, the feelings of mind, the emotions of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/believe that fear gives me energy to face things and overcome tiredness and dullness and using it as a motivation and not realizing that fear is of consciousness and not Life as fear, specifically fear in the bed to face something today is of and as the mind - not real, not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use desires and positive energy reacting to the desire to use to fuel me, to energize me, to move me, to motivate me and not realizing that this energy is same as fear - that without it I can not be moved, motivated, energized, fueled within the belief of energy of mind who I've defined myself to be by the relationships between words and my reactions toward those words.

I forgive myself that I have not realized when I wake up that the reality of me is here breathing as the physical and disregarding this presence is disregarding who I really am as equal as one reflection that I do not trust myself here, I do not trust in what is here, what is here because I trust opinion, definition, relationship of mind consciousness, which is of energy.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only energy I require is physical energy, to sleep, to rest, to eat, to drink and any other energy is of and for feelings as the mind consciousness system which is the layer through I am separating myself from being directly here in all moments with and as all what is here equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from face the fact that without energy I am nothing, nobody and I defined myself untrustworthy without energy therefore the fear from lack of energy kicks in and moves me towards reaction within the mind to have energy and the solution is to slow down and say NO, NO, NO to each inner movement, regardless of how small that movement is - I say, do and stand as STOP and I breathe and I direct myself within disregarding the strive for energy of reaction, I stop reaction, I remain here, I breathe.

When and as I wake up in the morning - I am becoming aware of my human physical body - I am here as breath, I am here as my hands, feet, toes, my head, I am calm, relaxed, I am able to remain empty, stable without thoughts, energy.

When and as I think about something in the bed in the morning - I stop it and I remain empty - I let it go - and I am breathing and within each breath I observe, notice, direct myself to see becoming empty, feeling the body, feeling this emptiness as myself undefined.

When and as I would feel to becoming excited from the awareness of being empty naturally and deepening this presence - I remain calm, relaxed and I let go excitement, I let go any definition and need to react how much I am present, empty, clear - I am simply here within consistency.

When and as I think about something in the bed in the morning - I stop it and I remain empty - I let it go - and I am breathing and within each breath I am more and more aware of my human physical body.

When and as I have a specific reaction within my mind based on a posture within and as my human physical body - I see it, I realize the starting point, the self-dishonesty and I breathe, I let it go and within understanding I correct myself physically to not react automatically based on the physical posture - stimulation - programming - automation.

I commit myself to allow myself to remain here, calm, relaxed and empty, silent without fear, without excitement and investigate and correct each thought pattern one by one until I am here within consistency.

I commit myself to develop a constant, stable physical presence and see, realize, understand and stop each automation arising within physical participation and stopping each and deleting all parts of mind personality and allow myself to trust myself in and as the moment without trusting something what is separate from me in terms of not being aware of.

I commit myself to share my process of physical self-realization through Self-forgiveness within Self-honesty how I am practically stopping all thoughts of mind of separation with common sense.

I commit myself to return to my breath, each breath, unconditionally, constantly, consistently and not stopping correcting my physical until I am fully here as breath as Life.

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• http://directivedynamics.wordpress.com/
• http://warnomore.wordpress.com/
• http://pornaddictsjourneytolife.wordpress.com

And of course Investigate 7 years of Journey to Life and READ and JOIN the WRITING Group!

Self-forgiveness momentarily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feelings drive me instead of myself, as presence I direct me always here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if something is not comfortable, I should avoid it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define agreement as difficult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define agreement as hell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I always must walk towards difficulty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who is difficult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within an agreement I can not be myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that within agreement I must give up myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within agreement I must let go everything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am very difficult to be with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who likes to be alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within agreement I can be myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that within agreement I always must experience difficulty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that wanting to avoid something within the starting point of fear - I am responsible for attracting it into my reality as one as equal as my starting point as fear what I stop within every moment breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I am with somebody then I am within a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am in a relationship because I am with somebody instead of realizing that within agreement the starting point is self here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my agreement will not work and it will become and remain a 'relationship' what I've defined as trap.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as trap instead of realizing that relationship is a word what I give meaning by how I am living the word.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from failing within agreement because I've defined it as too intense instead of realizing that the intensity is also coming from myself, the source, here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as intense instead of realizing that the intensity is is also a word what I bring 'alive' by how I define and live physically.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I go into feelings for instance 'sadness' or 'emptiness' - I am not directing myself here but I accept myself as reality as it already manifested - instead of realizing that I am the source, I can change, I can stop participate within feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put worth and value within feelings what I've defined as energetic experiences of myself instead of realizing that feelings are energetic experiences coming from the mind what I've allowed to become physically and I must walk the process of letting go constantly breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed about how I am not stable within our agreement when allowing feelings to define how I behave instead of taking self-responsibility and facing the source which is myself and reveal the reason of such self-dishonesty and stop unconditionally to participate within feelings, thoughts, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within feelings within agreement and wanting to stop agreement to stop experiencing feelings instead of directly stop participate and generate feelings and remain here all ways as physical as breath as action as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that everything I experience is hell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and say that everything here is hell and using it as justification to actually not change in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within thinking I can think out myself from the mind so to speak instead of realizing that I do not need to exit the mind, I do not need to escape from the mind, I do not need to fight the mind - but simply stopping participate within the mind such as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define stopping the mind as good, participate within the mind as bad instead of realizing that within polarizing myself within duality - actually I am still of and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe that agreement with my partner is some form of competition wherein we must constantly strive for dominancy to be able to direct the agreement as we individually imagine it to be - instead of realizing that within competition and fight - self always loses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that within agreement I always have to obey the other's requirements otherwise the agreement will fail and end.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take very seriously when within agreement I do not do something as I wanted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to be serious when I feel like I am pushed too much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself being pushed when my agreement partner asks something from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my agreement to be perfect instantly instead of realizing that this is a process being walked after the decision made for a life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be able to embrace to walk an agreement for a lifetime because I am not sure that I can bear my partner every day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if my agreement would not work and with my partner would agree on stopping the agreement - then I am failed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being responsible for screwing up the agreement because I am not changing or I am not changing fast enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can change slowly only instead of realizing that self-change is a decision what must be walked physically within consistency.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when my partner tells me or asks me something what I do not want or I do not want to hear because then I am facing with myself what I defined as I do not want to face and this friction charge my energetic mind what I've defined as myself - instead of realizing that everything what I face, especially with my partner - is in fact myself what I must embrace and realize and transform into what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my partner as very difficult person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my partner says something what I've defined as not as I've defined by myself then I get nervous instead of realizing that I am responsible for what I've defined as myself and in fact I can STOP participate within any self-definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious when I feel like I am being attacked by my partner - instead of realizing that that I've defined myself as somebody who becomes anxious when feels like being attacked.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change immediately because as who I've became did not happen in one moment as decision but contiuous acceptance of self-definition - so I've defined myself as somebody who can change slowly what is an excuse not to change immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for how I experience myself instead of realizing that I am responsible for how I perceive myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who wheels up slowly and slows down slowly instead of realizing that this is how I've defined myself as but in fact I can define myself as instant, immediate and constant self-direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as somebody who does not have emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as somebody who does not like emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as somebody who fights emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as somebody who suppresses emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions so quickly that I am not even conscious about it and then I can remain within the perception of 'I have no emotions'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I suppress emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions define how I experience myself and my reality.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I suppress emotions because I can not stop generating them but I've defined emotions as something what I do not want to experience, be aware of in any way whatsoever because the fear that if I accept myself to have emotions then I am being influenced by emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as bad yet still suppressing them in order to be able to perceive myself as 'emotionless'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I experience, what I experience because of the fear that I might screw things up around me and not wanting to take self-responsibility for what I do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I require suppress myself within my agreement in order to remain within the agreement instead of realizing that I can write out and forgive them as myself each one, specifically one by one until I am always here as direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous when I am being faced with my suppressed emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my suppressed emotions towards my agreement partner because I blame her unconsciously what I experience because I've defined the following: because I experience this only with her, then it must be that it is because of her - instead of realizing that this is a basic blame game in order to not wanting to face my self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough instead of realizing that this is a justification to not change to as I would not judge myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because within changing I will not be able to define myself as I used to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to how I define what I do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the environment within I experience myself instead of being myself directly here the source of who I am as presence as self-will.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize self-dishonesties within me by myself and wanting to have somebody around to reflect back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my agreement partner as somebody who makes me nervous instead of realizing that I am responsible for such inner reaction by accepted self-definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from committing myself to one partner for a life because I've defined having a partner for long time as hell because within my past I experienced relationships what did not work and caused confusion and suffering.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being within a partnership with somebody as limitation and ordinary because I've defined it according to my definitions of my past-experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed of my self-accepted self-dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within argument in fact I am accepting myself within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to express myself within argument instead of realizing that within argument I am fighting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to stop argument with my partner because I've defined that only within argument I can express myself to her instead of realizing that when I raise my voice and speed up my speak - in fact I am existing within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility when I participate within argument instead of stopping and letting go the point for what I argue.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining not being able to express my point of view instead of realizing that if I argue I am not directing myself here within common sense but I want to push down the other by force.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize when I start to argue in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and project self-dishonesties within me towards to my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade others by conviction because I've obsessed myself with the information instead of living practically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to persuade others with information what I've defined as truth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest personalities within my behavior by trusting within knowledge and information instead of myself being here directing as self-presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within personalities instead of directly trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat within my head about points what I fear of instead of unconditionally writing and forgiving the points about the thoughts to reveal the core of the self-dishonesty and prepare myself to STOP.

What

What I've been doing since I was writing here - I was working and I was spending time with my partner - who goes through intense self facing recently and it is fascinating to see how I stand within this - as she had issues as intense self judgement and self abuse and even destruction with alcohol and separating herself from reality at home and storming inside and hating herself -- in fact she does not doing this - but did in past - and sometimes it comes back - in these moments she evades me - simply does not want me to see and experience her like this - but it is obviously not a solution - I told her face me with yourself not with pretending - and I told her that if we do agreement - we can trust each other more than possible - but I experienced a bit of evading about it - okay she was traveling and she was in jogacamp and art camp and things like that - as she is teacher in the year and can not go away really - only in summer, so she does - but yet I was aware of she was avoiding me.
So I told her, and also I shared some stories about what happened with me regarding to other girls - as Gy was who I wanted to be but then I realized she is still worshipping with spiritual buddhism, and she was utterly robotic sometimes and also refused my physical 'closeness' - so I finally wrote an email to her to simply stand by principle as self honesty or fuck off - then she took back from seeking after me...so when I shared this with my partner - I wanted to let her know that I kind of 'like' her expression but I do not wave toward her personally, if she is not moving as self as facing as stopping addictions - then I wont suppor her - so it was tough...
Also I stopped sexual fantasies and desires for unrealistic sexual experiences such as orgies and having intense sexual meetings - but by stopping that - I noticed that I wanted to have more sex with her - what I defined as cool, because I was like - this is step one - to focusing all this to physical level - but when she evaded me - even a bit jeaolousy came up as maybe she is not meeting with me because she is having sex with other lolol
But in fact she did not - she was inside her head and she was 'down' within the energy game. So then I told her to meet - and she wanted to refuse first, but I told her, 'I dare you to face me' so we met and she was a bit indeed bitchy but we could push through and spoke about it -- she agreed to write more and 'make list' and doing things and making them 'checked out' - to build self will, self-direction, self-trust.
As she told - she was doing fine - and three days later I visited her and she was again a bit bitchy - 'turned in' a bit, she had pain in stomach, she told me she is tired, wants to sleep, but she couldnt - simply wanted to deny my presence and I did not accept this - we even did sex - what was quite effective, but in a moment she faded away from @HERE@ and then she stopped and it was obvious that something came up but she did not want to share - I was like wtf, and then I was like her for a moment - she was like 'I dont care, let me be' blah blah and then I was like this for a moment -- and it was fascinating to see - is this me or her - and I was like - okay it's gone - so it is interesting to see - but maybe it was her within me - or something came up from 'past of me' - but in fact if something from past of me comes HERE - then it is not the past lol.

So then we spoke more then she told me she has pain, tired, she must rest - then I was like, okay -- at night I do not sleep much - I was busy with recording the moon and clouds and things like that and then we spoke more and then I told her, I go sleep - then in the morning after a big hug I left - After two days she wrote to me that she realized that she is very grotesque as she went too far and she decided to STOP and change real - and then she called me and then I wrote her some emails, sent some already translated stuff such as Joao and Joana self forgiveness physical system transcendance asissistance with Mykey and the Solution that I am here - these I translated one or two years ago and assisted me much...
Also I am going to this goa festival on tuesday - I will help a guy on stage packing and he will use my laptop - ambient music - and then I will dance for Psykovsky - what I like - intense, direct russian trance music...
In the last several tranceparties - much self expression things I realized - and I am going to share this points -- regarding to how to transform trance dance from druggy mind experience into physical self expression as I am here.

Also fascinating to see how I stand with this - and I did not want to go into Gy-s tent as she told me that I should sleep with her again - but I did not want - as we would disagree with starting point and also I did not like the idea to sleep with her because she refused me when I wanted to have sex with her -- lol exposing truth.
My partner also told me that she would attend - but she prefers to sleep within her tent - to be able to have guests by her own - what I did not like as an idea - and I told her that I should prefer ONE woman but that one absolutely to walk as principle - but at this moment I walk with her - why do not let her 'be'? As I am aware of the 'agreement terms (and conditions lolol)' are compromised - as she is not even aware of all of the tools how to stand and forgive -- self forgiveness we discussed but she did not try - she uses the phrase that 'simply just words wont solve this' and 'this is not my style, I am not of (wo)mann of words, I express different, with dance etc)' - and I explained her how I experience this and how words are the building-blocks of all realiity and in one point she got it...
So within the limited time (about 3-4months) I will be here - I decided to stand by her - to assist her and me within stability - and I am aware of the increasing pressure that I push to her about what I do not accept ---- within past when I started process - I simply stated out ' you are all robots, this is the matrix, stand by me or die' - and simply it was stupid...

I am also aware of that I am with her because of the sexual thing - she is quite effective within sexual expressions and we can enjoy - and she is one of the some who do not seek after orgasm - many women I spoke recently and they almost all did not like the idea of having sex but not having orgasm - as this is not the point I would engage - simp0ly of the physical expression and if orgasm is coming, then it is okay, but if actually I stand within the stable physical expression without participation in energy - then orgasm is not required, it comes only if we decide so... so the whole point was when we started to meet to assist each other - not only within sex but all ways - so we will see -- also I am aware of that I have the tendency to 'get out' by saying 'I dont like this - it's fucked' -- instead of communicating, common sense, assist and first stand with and as the other -- so at this moment I stand - and if I realize that I accept compromise - then I stand up from it and we will see that our little 'agreement and support' will last...

It assisted me very much to be physical here - by standing and expressing physically - but the more I push, the more shit comes up from inside - so I push until I breath.

I also started to script up I vote for Equal money system video - I wrote something, I wrote a part of it on paper, I did a video when I read it up to camera - but I will 'practice a bit more' before I finally record to video - I am directing myself.

Also I did not cut my hair in the week - I was busy and I was about to 'after the week' - and today I had a thought - maybe on the next week - then I walked out to eat something and then I did it -- any resistance in this point next time - I will write about it, it is very specific.

mark

Mark
Painfriendly straightwalking warming citybreeze as feelingless directive unsuppressed extension.

Facenhit what opposed as boss level retry saved & tomorrow will be reloaded as unconfigured service refused as typo negative occured secret bloody tiredness of swampy fustiness by unopened retreat of inbloom soundflowers of self.


At caffee as ox-western post-attitude with those unreal huggirls and 2D boy-assets and the bitter de-aggressioned beauty of service as bar as job as shiny skin with teared black ex-jungle-Jane costume and smart and smooth painwalk out to by very soon.

Story of my life 3/3 - Drugs, Obsession to Light, Desteni

After C had finished the university at Debrecen, (meanwhile we just did parties, smoking, pubs etc, the friends (girlfriend of B and S and maybe an another girl) rented a huge groundfloored flat around the Körönd(Budapest), there were the parties, I lived there for a while, but after she came to Budapest) we started to live together...We rented a oneroomed apartmen, not too far from the others and we lived together…and after that B and S (I lived with them before)could come out together(in past they were friends), but after a time the nail came out from the bag: S liked B-s girlfriend, G., and after that B started to love an another girl, but before that C and S was argued all the time..S had some kind of obsession about being clear, but only on his body, and on his clothes, and C always poked him, and once C has broken S-s car, and after that they did sex or something like that. C couldnt to supress this, told that to me when we lived together… I was totally pissed off, turned in, out, and I dared to her leave, and she moved away, far from the center, and she started to work in a shopping center for 14 hours a day...

After that we not really met for a while, sometimes I visited her, very sometimes we slept together maybe, but was strange…

And meanwhile –at the first time – I lived alone, I totally ’flyed away’, I practised Aikido, I got an easy job, I had many free time, I smoked much, wrote diary(many I wrote, but lost), I took many LSD, I listened very much music, I was searching myself on loathsome power, read, wrote, I spent long hours lieing in the bath very stoned, I tried to find the meaning of life etc..Music what I listened, the lyrics I put onto walls: tool, depeche mode, orbital, many drum and bass, still trip-hop, etc…

At Aikido many things happened…I became stronger phisically, my ’walk’ became better, I learnt to be stable phisically, mentally. Half the training was excercises, technics, and the other part was ZaZen, Mokuso, painting, far-eastern culture, japanese, buddhism. I enjoyed it extensively, in my childhood and university I was always afraid from martial arts, because many times there were that I lost my mind, literally lost the control and ’animal, demon come forth’, and raged, and than I absolutely did not know what was happening, and that’s why I was afraid to ‘get power’, to ‘learn to fight’, because I was scared from amazing destroying I could do, even killing, so I had suppressed terribly lot of anger and I was afraid to fave with that, until my first White Light infusion adventure, and after that I realized that I need something like that, exactly for that to learn to handle myself, to face, for ’being able to fight with myself’ etc..with the master I did not have any problem, he was symphatic, kind of abstracted guy he was, really master of the Aikido, was painter etc, but for the beginners - his wife teached the basic, and she pushed off even the shit from ourselves, but that was never a problem for me, but in the perspective as we saw the world, we did not agree, she never could break me. I always conflicted with her, I always asked, simply based on my experiences, so I said that ’The things are not like this’. And once it came until that point that she said "If you know so much like, you can keep the whole coaching...", I got black hakama(pantalskirt), black belt, for doing me that whole shit. And after that she said to me well, let’s control the dojo(10-15 people), but front of my eyes she also said that for the others: ‘Just disobey…or do it, but never exactly that what he asks’. For a while I tried, but after that the little boy came forth in me, some fear stuff from childhood, and they came around me, and laughed and all was pushing me at the same time, and that was just exactly enogh, for being enough…after they said to me ‘I could be ‘little-teacher’, 'one level up', what could mean that more responsibility, more practice, the master can teach me, and I did not liked that, and also I was a bit afraid too…

But they couldn't break me…I always rejected, always asked, in phisicall level they could not break my ’ego’, rather than at home I smoked, wrote poems, novels, diary…Meanwhile I took LSD-s alone, at party, in city, at home, with friends, abroad, and I learnt to swim(I was very scary from water since childhood), I started to smoke salvia divinorum, and suddenly I tried magic mushroom(psylocibin), we laughed very very much, I yawned very much from that…I wrote, read, and in that time I still drunk alcohol, I had many many stomach pain, I got ulcher(little hole in that), I had to take pills for binding down my stomach acid(haha maybe for balancing the acid), my sickness became more rude, and I got stomach mirroring, that was very very very sick event, I was suffocated, my whole body shaked , was HELL - I had a realization what was very strong about the medical science is a FUCKING BIG SUCK, and after that I got strong antibiotics, and at that point I just stopped smoking, drinking in my misery(for some weeks), it was really painful, I had to eat in every 20 minutes, for avoiding experiencing torture in my stomach. But what was strange, that as I took the food into my mouth and started to chewing and started to swallow that, the pain just gone…and after some medicine treatment the doctor said that now I have to take specific pills for long term, and I asked that ‘every day’? And he said that yes, but he even didn’t looked onto me, and I became angry, and that night I drunk much and smoked and from that point I did not cared all of this shit, and slowly it dissolved, and still I cant eat very spicy foods, but I never have stomach pain, and after some months it became totally cool.

At that time something happened, and I also got interesting LSD-experiences. Once I got so much laugh, that I laughed out myself from my mind, I saw everything and everybody like colourful wave-resonatings, like a big painting, which reality was like different coloured layers, and that was very very funny. My mind stopped, and on many LSD trips before that simply it just didnt happened, I just didnt experienced the ’total connection to the system’, because I wanted it so much like, that my wanting simply didnt allowed…Once we were in Slovakia and around a lake we did ’party’, all were drunk, and I was ’tripping’, I totally flied away, and after that the others were arguing, it was not cool, there was a guy, who was so closed, that only to look to him was so scary, and I just sat with them totally desperatedly, and suddenly as they argued, I just moved away to walk and ducked and found a snailhouse, I grabbed that and looked, and something ’came into perspective’. About simply I do not have to want it, everything goes just by itself, it was very strange, now I see it more clearly, but at that time that was very strange…about just doing, but as more I want it, then I am more getting far from ’understanding’ ’what is going on’, and about who am I and what is the world…I realized that if I am not searching, just I am, then there is no question, there is no answer, and that was interesting…

Meanwhile C started to move with an inhibited pilot, he carried her with his car, but after that they got an accident, and C went to hospital, and did not get any problem, but for some days she had been kept there. At this time of course I went to visit her, the guy was very confused, they were very rich, and his family did look onto C, like the new member of their family, but C did not want that, just liked to play with boys, or something like that, but of course maybe wanted to find somebody…and after I visited her, we spoke, and this guy just came at the same time, and he was very scary from me, as ’from her husband’, and also I saw as he did regret about he ’did troubled her into accident’…and after that we started to meet again with C, we slept together, etc…I started to feel big shame and regret, because I kicked her out, because she ’cheated me a little’, and my horribly strong paranoid ego couldnt eat in that…but I still ’loved’ her, and we wanted to give one more chance to each other, or something like that…

Pilgrimage in spain

We even went to pilgrimage together, to reform our relationship on Camino de Santiago, in Spain, it was amazing, just walk, and all day in nature, not much money, we had 3 more friends who after a time started to show up does not like C. because she owns me and she was like silly goose in their eyes...After some days I experienced some strangeness, something started like I was on acid, but from not struggling, just walking...Once I had a very strange experience, at a pilgrimshelter I met a girl who was french and she was quite beautiful but I did not speak her...But anyway was full moon, and in that time I could not sleep more than 4-5 hours, and everyone slept in, and I went out to garden to experience moments under the sky, and this girl was so strange for me, and we sat and I experienced so much braveness, so much freedom, so much some kind of me, what I never saw before...just like siting and speaking not even more than 20 words...and C came out and she did not dare to come to us, just avoided the situation, but was huge problem for her...And after that(nothing happened, once our shoulders touched accidently, that’s all), but she became extensively jealous, and I was at the same time very strong, like others came on the pilgrim way like slow donkeys, and I ran with my heavy backpack, and climbed up to everything, and running back like who has infinite energy...It was amazing, and day by day I met with this girl, but never happened more than some words and C started to freak out, I was honest about not this girl is special but something else was and now I am like (poor bastard) more free...and of course I did not give a shit to C and friends made joke because I fucked, haha but not, never cheated, really, and once I lost the way on pilgrim road, I was always like that: I walked fastly much, and after just was lying and enjoying to being one with nature...so I went forward next day and some german girls came, they were so cute and spoke and singed to me together and one started to get sunstroke, and accidently we went to on another way, what leads to the same city, but was 10km longer...and we did not have many water, but that girl always stopped under sun(there was very hot, Spain, summer) and I was like so determined about I poured all water onto her head because she didnt looked well...and after she became better, and we saw a dried river, and in that saw many many many sheeps were directed by shephard and his dogs, and many sheep were injured, exhausted from the hot,the intense directing. But all followed each other...Was so strong experience - poor animals...

After that I met with C at the guesthouse, and we were very happy, about drinking water and was no problem...after that C was not so happy about I appeared with 4 cute german girls in top who were also happy, and was strange...And next morning C felt down from the stairs and her ankle went out extensively, and we tryed to continue the walk, but after some kms didnt worked...She went into hospital, and we were fucked, we stopped pilgrimage, we went up to the sea into a camping and she took rest, and I walked upon a 481 m high mountain, I had to climb up and I was curious about what I will find up upon there (answer) and after that I reached the top and I saw some bulls and cows were watching me on their face like “wha?”.(and I saw some eagles too).. ok about pilgrimage that was enough, after that we continued by bus, and at the end C could walk slowly limping, and one more! At Lavacolla, near Santiago, there was an airport, and I was stood front of the fence, and I saw a plane landing front of me and from my total heart I wished that if only the brake of the plane could not work, it would be a relevating moment as it hits me extensively, but didnt happened....We reached the end of the pilgrimage, we got paper of it, and we got back to Budapest and started to live together in Buda.

Next time I will write about psychedelic community, travels and buddhism, and some more specific White Light experiences and search for truth, finding desteni

Psychedelic community, buddhism, intense White Light experiences

I had found a “community” on the internet, the hungarian psychedelic community, the daath, what practically was a forum, and not really were collective consuming, maybe maximum waterpiping or watching movie. There were some “pioneer”, who translated english FAQ-s and about their experiences, revelations, thoughts, drug-experiences, tried to “explain” the “reality”, to trying find out that....They organized tea-rituals, and once they invited me as well, because I wrote interesting posts about consuming substances...

I had found a quite strong-minded guy, Bence, who about at the first sight I just knew that, I HAVE TO take LSD....the wild, uncivilized energy just hummed around him, monstrous deepness...and also there was a young guy, who’s eyes seemed so sensible, I saw inside that the wholeness, when I looked into his eyes...They both asked acid from me, because wanted to try it out, he was Ca, the next husband of C. ;)

So like it had the name of psychedelic community, personally, with Bence and C we had forced that not only speak about that, but let’s make it together, there must be more fun like that, let’s put together what we have at all...There were some who decidedly secluded themselves from that, because that is about being alone for them, or personal, intime, etc..and also were like that who said that they are afraid to manifest themselves to „strangers” so intensely like that. So we organized that and did. In that time we lived together with C in Buda, „we started to make” „trips”, and we wrote up wildly our experiences to the daath(the gate of knowledge) forum and in that time I still believed that everybody is using LSD for switch off the mind for a time and to dissolve into White Light / the White Light itself could be dissolved into ones/onness...But after that Bence said that he couldnt(at the first collective event), and in his lifetime once he experienced something like that, but in that time with cannabis...on the other hand he had some conceptions about this, but he not really knew that once before how it happened..

I suffix that I even did not know how the hell that happened, just somehow the situation had to be like that presetted, the mindset-setting had to be set properly, and just be trust in present, and suddendly it just happened (but if I wanted it just WANTED, did not happened, just got a bit frustration) but never for enough „time” to be felt totally satisfied, or even could be experienced really, what is that, how it happened and altogether why...

So this ’community’ ..it is not a community really, there is no big ‘community’, just the forum. That is the heart, the many topics, the posts, the many text. Also there are meetings in ‘real’, but those for less people. Truly the main reason is the total fear/paranoia, because the whole stuff here what ‘s going on, is totally illegal. In any case we make it nicer, they are using illegal drugs, they are speaking about that, they are ‘advertising’ those and sharing those experiences, speaking about that, and about the what is reality question they gossiping, argueing, pleading. I never was that big speaker, I just simply took the stuff and experienced something outside, inside of me, and I wrote that up to the forum and that’s all…I never understood how can be gossip so much like this, but we are different…So in that time sometimes we organized these kind of séances, the music was going on, anybody took their favourite ‘drug’, but there were who just were there…In general there was no conception, furthermore well, let’s do it, ‘enjoy ourselves’…For me were the really interesting situations when we were at party. I say why. In the flat we are, there is given the place, given the possibilities, we are ‘in safe’, at any time we can change the music, we can go into a room where is noone, etc…and I realized until that time that I have to be brutal ‘against my ego’, because it is just sneaky, so much, as I cant get. So as I remembered for my first big ‘break over’, the party seemed to be ideal:

• There are many people in a place: in actual fact I also only one of many, and I see that I am no more special, than other, I see that we are all the same, just bit different
• In general everybody are twisted, so I do not have to fear from nailing my metersized pupil, or I laugh more than 5 minutes continuously on a strange way
• Something sharp electronic dance music is going on a huge power –that makes the situation more intense, even can shout over my thoughts, in my whole body I feel th music, I am becoming the music, and as it is going, the many people all listening the same sound – like this something ‘connection’, ‘onness’ is happening.
• I cant hide with my little ego, when I feel that well, now it is quite pushed, or preparing to explode…instead of this, I am here in moment and act is needed…if not, I just go to the ‘chill area’, where slower music is going, there is possibility to sit, lie down, but definitely not escaping back into my shelter and no one could see that I didn’t faced with myself – or if I want to get this, than I go home, if I can, but than that wont be just a simple case, so that’s sure I will remember for this about I choosed that way, also that is experience, that is also I am
• But somehow, that is still can be hiding – this is like a dishonesty in the honesty – or honesty in the dishonesty..what is the hiding in that? I binded something into outer conditions, and after like a flow, like a system, a turing-machine, I planned and executed – there was the input, and the output was a bit predictable… with the psychedelics I got the intensity and the unsecurity and like that was a bit like fishing, but it was totally preprogrammed the whole story, but in that time I just didn’t realized..i didn’t realized what is the LSD what does and how, and that’s why I could trust in that blindly.

I saw this at that time(except the last part), so I preferred parties.

2003 november: Alejandro Jodorowsky’s : The holy mountain movie we watched, and after that we went to a drum and bass party, mostly I was alone…I took the acid when we got in, and I just walked around, there were many many people, and after a ‘time’, suddenly I saw a guy, who had the same kind of pants, like me, he had the same shirt than I got…He was about 10 meters far away just front of me…and after that I looked at his face and I saw that hey that’s me, fuck me! I looked into ‘his’ eye straightly, the White Light ‘overtook the control’, and just particles I remember…I saw myself in everybody, totally everybody was totally me, same cloth, all same nothing more for a while…So as I looked onto anybody, I saw literally the same picture, the long brown streaked shirt and the velvet pantals, I was everybody and everything in that party, for a while.. I realized that hey, I am everybody, literally. As I look to anyone, I see myself, that gave some new perspectives…(in that time I did not get the ironic part of ith, about I never see out from myself)… After this intense part flowed into another kind, I just sat and enjoyed, as the whole place boomed as one to the wild tribal rhytms, the dancing people, but there was very hot, the sweating dribbled from the wall, and I looked up and one drop fell into my eye. After that for quite some time I just bought a drink and near the dancefloor I just stood and held the drink until someone did not asked from that, and after that I brought an another one, and meanwhile I just stared a wall-carped, there was sitting a Buddha-like being and he had 3splitted face, looking left, right and center ‘onto me’. I felt like that symbolises the past, present future. And that in the present there is no past and future.

Ok, all the same, after some time the “more brave ones” started to take more than one acid blotter, and at parties with thousand of people we did it.

Goaparty

I remember for that we took an acid at our house, and we started to travel for a hour with a green train(hey now I just live near of it lol) to go outside from city to reach an old factory where that party occured. Sitting on that train was like to travelling straight upwards into the moon...When we arrived, we met with Ca, and we took one more acid blotter...that was an internet explorer, or a fluted faun(we called it dancer)…or at home we took this and there the another or in reverse (all has some pattern on paper, and a bit of course as we are picture presentations, somehow determined the whole shit)

I remember for that, we were standing with Bence(he personally asked me to use his real name, cool) to leaning against the wall somewhere at the background, at the edge of the dancefloor, and the intense psychedelic trance was on, many, really many people, a reconstructed factory building was, s suddenly everything went to so intense, that I could not bear that anymore...I moved to one “chill” area, and I just sat down near the wall and with crossed legs I stared into the space, into the nothingness, without focus, and that was something like that when Buddha was sitting and saw the “existence” and that was completed, mind gave up all duality, seemed to dissolve and suddenly I woke up and walked back into the very intense mass, to Bence, and I was standing near to Bence and we spoke spoke spoke and he asked something, and for that instead of answering, I just simply turned around, and did some steps into a direction, and while people walked around, and me “just went” without mind, just like that, and I became so that what I did, so something happened, and Bence saw this stuff, he became that what I was and we became one and saw back and I saw he got ‘that’ and the time and space started to dissolve, and suddenly I had experience with Bence like we exchanged body, but like at the same time, but in that time I couldn’t figured it. And meanwhile we saw big spirals, the whole HUGE White Light Construct, and the “infinity”, inside plains, beings, levels, layers, many, but just like blocked in...the begining of it and the end of it of this present reality, and many fuzzy memories like that I have, and also that I was staring my own blue eyes and clearly realizing that I am looking into my own eyes...In that time I felt like I was totally untied, totally dissolved, about all of this is just a consciousness, a some kind of projection, a big White Light Consciousness. After that, that kind of experience had gone, (we had it for a while)... in that time we never danced, even did not understood that people in theese kind of parties why dance, of course we saw that extasy and “e-soldiers” and they are going and going and “pushing the big chariot of whole mind-spiral” and we were standing there somehow inside that and they “drive” the system one by one and together and we were outside of that but yet inside of it, and yet like the system itself.

After a while we met with the “others”, I remember Ca came around and he was also like spelled and me and Bence we felt that we were shining, as one, but we did not feel that, more likely we were that...strange...and Bence asked from Ca, that “who are you really?” and Ca answered like that “uuuu you shouldnt asked exactly that aaaaaaaaa” and was like he did not wanted to “spend time” on this, I mean he was around exactly this, but he did not wanted to see until the deepest...After there was many things like that, and gathered with others and thought came, I started to concerning about an another girl, who appeared like not enjoying that party on acid(she came ‘with us’, and as my mind started to reboot, my stability started to deplete, and I let me influenced, I forced me to be influenced, because I was not clear about the basic principle of onness and equality in that time..etcetc, mind shit, - I did not wanted to be more likely influenced with the party...I saw for example a girl who consumed ketamine and she was like a dying animal struggling on ground and others were sitting around like zombies, and in the toilet an old guy shoveled the urine liter by liter as in a scary surreal grotesque hell, the colors were different, the layers, the movements, all, while totally drugged young ones who extensively lost themselves and acted like robots were walking around, was REALLY really that experience what I never forget, and this is HELL and Bence for example never went to toilet, so he even did not knew that, and I started to be influenced with that also, so I felt desire to escape away, about “ok we got the experience, no more reason to stay in that place” – but on other way, the music was cool, the vibrating, still was onness a bit, but not equality!!!, that was never!! So I suddenly stated ok lets go home and noone wanted to go home really, so after that we stayed, and was some confusion (in my about first 15-20 acid trips I experienced that uncertainity, and I never knew that was me or others or all but I always experienced that very intensely, but after that as I started to do “trips” alone, I realized, fuck, that I do not care, I am me on trips, when should I, if not on acid? I was on this , so I was me on trips and I did not give a shit for others shitting about uncertainity after that, but there, in that time, I did extensively)

And once I stated that let’s go, or I said ok I go, and no one wanted to go, but I was afraid to say about I would like to stay, because what kind of onness could be that if I do not care on others – and just because I wanted to escape from more intense mindrevealing experiences lol trap hehe - but after that suddenly some of us, Bence, me and some others went to home, exactly everybody went to home separatedly to home, but before that Bence and me were quite excited and extensively influenced with the White Light, and we had spared an acid blotter, and Bence said ok, let’s throw it into the river Danube, but was far, so we just spit big, and threw the LSD into that on the street – being that the sign, we “are realized the truth”, no more needed lol...

I arrived to home(in that time I didn’t lived with C. – she once said “leave!”, because that was not cool together, and I moved to an oldstyled huge ground-floor flat, where the “delinquency” went on all the time, of course in terms of the “goodness”, like smoking, cool brutal machinemusic and many people all the time…

So I arrived to “home” and that was already “next day”, you can imagine what things I said, their ears splitted, and I was in those things, I explained that this is just a mind consciousness and acid and party and spirals etc etc etc, and I was totally twisted, it lasted for weeks, I had not much(but I had, rather I should say I do not remember) for my thoughts and those were so stipulative about the perspective of my future, influencing me even now.

After that Bence came to visit and he was all the time around the omniscience, and he said he even do not want to read books, but simply just he wants omniscience and that’s all. In that time I almost just read Buddha, shamanism, Buddhism…the aikido sensei suggested the Buddhist stuffz, especially zen, Buddha’s life, sutras etc. After that somehow I found a book about tantric Buddhism and there I found similar structural explanations, like those LSD-experiences. I remember, I said to Bence, just read into that, it’s funny, but he resisted, he did not need books, just wants the omniscience and that’s all. I held too much information even that point of my life, I’ve became too much information, what I was not, and that’s why I always laughed on this about him, but it has sense…

In that time, especially after that experience, which calmed down, I totally felt out from my reality, I lost all my interests, I just sat and smoked the hasish and looked how the incense smokes and candle flamed.

‘Total plug-out’

I totally turned in – I did not see the meaning to communicate with any human being, because I realized ALL this is just an artifical masked illusion. I despaired about that: all those made by the LSD, or me? ‘Enlightenment!, like a virus infected my mind, I even did not cared about anything else. I was curious about can I overstep in this world, and I was very very decided. But it was strange, it was like not me, just a thin thread, a strip what flowes trough on this reality by itself…I was just sitting, front of a mirror-wardrobe on a little bed, what was my place in that time, and exactly at the center I didn’t see my head, my spine, because there was the meeting of the 2 doors of this wardrobe. But I saw my body was sitting ‘there’, and I was stared the candle, I stared the incense until I became that. I was not sad, not happy, just in my equanimitedness I got that need to sit and nothing else, to being focus to a point until that I became really that point. After a time the smoking of the fucking strong and expensive afghan hasish also became nonsense, because when I just sat and breathed, it didn’t mattered really, even I became that when the effect already went out from me.

So I just sat and thoughts just came and came and my only chance was ‘against’ them in that time to focus with my eyes to the candle and decidedly deeply breathing. It was like I was pushing up a big spherelike stone to a mountain, what was uneven, so sometimes it just rolled back onto the foot(of that mountain) the ‘whole and I could started it again.

It was like that for many days, when suddenly I realized I was breathing quite intensely, like I became just the breath and I was just watched the candle, what started to finish, because it was almost ran out, and started to blaze wildly, as ‘it was upon it’s last legs’.

And suddenly the candle blowed out, s something became very different. I felt like my body and soul felt out, suddenly did not became dark, but light. I was not seeing the little room, and my sitting body in the mirror, but my sight widen out, I saw infinity, my body and soul felt out and I remained ‘somewhere’ (t)here silently, what about I do not have word. After that I found that picture a bit similar:

But it was more more alien, not just picture-like, not so ‘nice’ like this. Somehow I approached to freedom, to the abstract, uncondifional freedom – but it was not that in the least. But in that time it gave a push. My body and the world was transparent, the room disappeared, but still not saw all, just myself, but in that time I did not understand what was that, I did not understand that I saw the systems inside me, but that was more ‘real’ than this picture world. Literally I saw the White Light gridline structure, and I was linked into that, like in the matrix, but somehow differently, my body was also like just a picture, it was transparent and dark, and in some places lighty things floated inside of it.

Hours passed – and it was just a moment.

Suddenly friends of friends came into the room, and it slowly gone, like a larva, I crawled back into the chrysalis, what we call human body, and time became again, space, I got body again, soul, feeling, thought, confusion, all. Hmm. Maybe there I was not honest, maybe there was a thought-splinter, because all of this returned, or it was programmed like that, now I do not know that…I became afraid from that: my living mate’s girlfriend ‘ what she could think’ – that’s it I was just sitting immovably, and as they came into ‘my reality’, my starting point was not stable, thou I focused for them and I ‘lost myself’. Some kind that…

What came-came back into my head that, I was like about in that ‘state’ in one moment I could realize that how ‘could I reach’ that kind of experiencing again, but for that ‘I have to reach that again’. I had thoughts like, certainly it lasted, because I am not well ‘calm’, ‘stable’. So I felt like I have to be opened, my turning in, the ‘sitting in the cave’ has to end, I have to open myself, I have to start communicate with people, something is ‘missing’.

This experience more likely confirmed me in that this world is just a trap, just a disturbing projection. But in that time I did not know, why. Because I was not honest.

Henceforward I was searching, but more specificly, until in the tibetian Buddhism I really found those explanations what I trusted without questions, without becaming one hundred percent – I paused my sceptic.

What was strange, that after this strange experience everything was still the same, only inside I separated more likely from my everydays. I wished to get away, I didn’t understand and moreover when I quited from my current workplace, they still transferred my salary, one thousand euros per month, what I used for I got many drugs and throwed money by the handful. I did not cared anybody and anything, just I wanted to put into place what the fuck is happening with me, with all. I knew that in that time I meddled into something…

I tried to open myself, I started to work in an art shop in another city, I knew a girl from the psychedelic community, one guy’s wife, who had that handwork shop. It was ideal, to be front of people, no excuse, no hiding, facing. It was just one month, it was enough. My favorite part was when kids came to workshop. I realized I enjoy little kids extensively.

I made mistake, I was not really honest, that I got off with her, suddenly we were very stoned and we slept in a bed three of us(+an another girl, who slept in soon), and I just perceived that I was stroking her and wondering how velvetlike is her skin and after that I was kissing her ear. After that came to light that she was in divorcing, and she did not enjoyed sex with her husband, (who was also experienced many many with psychedelics), but the all of that was not honest… The girl was not really honest, I did not do anything with her(except with that earkissing) until, she did not moved away from him, but still was strange…but the sex was awesome with her, big system transfers…

I said to her for me it is just about sex, good self-expression, but I was not depending on her(only the sex), and I wont, would be cool if she also shouldn’t, etc..but eventually it dit not happened like that…She fell love into me. But still said that: no. And I saw that, but I did not leaved her. Because the sex was cool, I also learnt so much from her.

Suddenly I became sick, unexpectedly, very much like. It was interesting, from a minute to an another I felt like I was deadly sick. I lied to sleep and in my dream a strange manifestation did matras to me and I became healed. I clearly remember that it was transparent, crystallike and very nice.

After that I found similarity in a buddhaform, what is called Avalokiteshvara, the aspect of ‘compassion’. At that moment it sucked me totally the buddhism, i researched, readed, investigated. I swallowed it determinatedly. Maybe once again i had similar experience but from that time many things are foggy. Of course my mind was all the time around theese stuffz so I saw those manifested.

What I remember, that I decided-realized that I do not need to meditate anymore, because that’s unnecessary, just need to act. Somehow I explained that to me, it lasted (that intense experience), so it had to be like that, so it is surely happened, because I was not ready for that, because something I have to transcende… I felt like “I came out from that state”, before I could experience that how could I “slim” back, so I vowed that as I re-experience that again, there and then I will focus on that, only, for shouldn’t be needed to run many and countless circles, for “gym myself as that stone up onto the mountain”. Later yet I decided differently, but rather in my mind, in my deeds, I wanted to meditate all the time, but somehow I never did it again more thatn some hours, and mostly only when ‘friends’ did that…in those times for me it was easy to ‘keep the speed with that’, if we speak about just sitting, ‘practising breath’, or doing mantras, I didn’t excited, how much time we do, how numb was the leg, how much “time” – because I knew “the sitting will elapse in any case”, because it already happened and something is still missing but pass…

I received a book about an dannish old guy, Lama Ole Nydahl’s book, about the tibetian Buddhism’s spreading onto west, who wrote that previously he took many LSD and hasish, and after that he had found the 16^th Karmapa in Tibet, who started to teach him and he stopped drugs and meditated and did mantras and found the ‘enlightenment’, more likeliy the way to that: meditation – tantra.

Bence and me like one we had been sucked into this Buddhist machine, like small cog-wheels, from that point we became regular visitors of the lama, initiations, practicing different tricks, whose focused onto ‘buddhist pure lands, heavens’, the “Pure Light”, the “White Light”, the enlightenment and mantas.

Of course I still pushed the acid into me, the marijuana and I even experienced those, what about I quoth he ‘learnt’. I saw buddhas, I saw lights, I saw eye-fields, I swimmed into seemly endless light-consciousness plains, I dissolved in the joy of the White Light, and it sustained, pampered, I saw that where beings arrived after death, I was in Buddhaheavens, I walked in mandalas, once I even spoke with an ascended master, a mahasiddha, even I saw the end of the wholeness again. The whole consciousness, what infinitely compelled to ethernity as a spiral, contains the end of it also, the mathematical equation, what is not els than what we are in. Bence choosed differently: he stopped with drugs, he is doing millions of mantras and as an extra plus he is believing blindly. I also believed, but what attracted me: I even experienced as well…

I couldn’t define bigger joy as mind from mind, than dissolving in the White Light, like experience the whole energy construct, like giving up myself to it, as be conscious of this whole liquid information flowness, without to be really faced with everything: The most terrible drug, what could exists, the mind itself. The mind, what abused the onness and equality fully and totally, equally contained everything and everybody as one enslavement.

But after that suddenly in one moment all that magic has gone. But in that time I still couldn’t get that how and why? Because I fell in one point: fear.

The fear, as self-dishonesty, and the desire for hide, the not wanting to facing. And that is not all, the whole thing could be leaded back to one point: I was feared to start it. I was afraid to be honest, I was fearful to live, because mostly I knew what could be the consequences. But about that a bit later…

More White Light Experiences

I can not explain all, because that were so much, that I even do not remember – but I remember for all, but I even do not remember for the keys, whose I locked those into me, but after that I even locked those keys too, but slowly it is coming back as I am forgiving myself my self-dishonesty. OOOOUCCH!

At one point C started to grow mushroom, and I ate that in every week, many times more frequently, that was very ‘cool’, somehow was not so acid-like than LSD but was more ‘natured’, and didn’t lasted for a day, just for some hours…and of course I took the acid too, after 40 trips, I stopped counting, there were very intense experiences, and I am sure in every single trip I now could find the seed of my self-dishonesty.

We experimented with other psychedelics, for example Salvia divinorum, 5-MEO-DMT, and also sometimes I combined some, for example acid with MDMA crystal, etc…

About 2004 autumn, I allowed myself to be persuaded to extasy(seemly I did not liked that as I was on acid and saw, spoke with people on that), and I still did not dance, and anyway what I resist, I fear, so I decided to try..I took a half, and for 2-3 hours nothing happened(at a party), but after that I just experienced that I was going to the dancefloor and dancing, dancing, dancing like an obsessed, very cool music was, Penta, a Russian psytrance, and I became dance, I became dancing shiva as I felt…was strange, but I felt a bit freedom of dance, and from that point I never took extasy again (ok 2 more times, but onto acid, and that is very different), because from that ‘point’ I just can dance and that’s all. It was like if I drink 3-4 beers, and my inhibited imprinting was faded and enjoyed myself, accepted and started to love myself somehow…but was a bit strange as I experienced that my ‘consciousness was not extended like with acid’ –and my eyes a bit came out a bit, and I also became a bit dancing robot, and I had to concentrate to pull my eyes back(after the party) lol.

-there was a party for EU connection party may 1 of maybe 2005, and we took 5g dried mushroom, Ca, Bence, X and me. And we were on a big hill and saw the big river from far beyond and on other part there started to manifested the party, it was daytime and we just ate that, and waited what will happen, and many strange things happens, but for me was the more relevant, that at one point I saw as the sky just literally opened and I see all of us had a white shining lightbeam from the sky and we were connected to some kind of heaven… And we enjoyed just walking, running around, and i was like ’eh is it so simple like this? Just being totally here and nothing more, and was very cool, but after some strange things happened, and Ca just went away and I followed him for a while, and I was in a hat, and with my jewsharp I followed him and I saw his fear in his eyes and after that I played with the jewsharp to call him back and could read his footprints in the nature, and at one point I saw him as he went to the ’border’ of our ’territory’, of our ’tripping heaven’, and he just went away, and after that I saw I can do nothing about it, he just wanted to go, and he did it, that’s all…Sometimes I heard his shouts about AAAAAAAARRRGH and ok I went back, and I said to X, ok I saw him, but he just was a bit afraid and ran...ran back to the ‘civilization’. Oks I sat down near to X, who just made very strange noises, like a synthetisator, and whimpered, but was just like an experiment with his noise, and I enjoyed, and Bence said ok I will find him and I knew that will happen…and later he said he found him, there was a house, near the village where workers did some correcting on a house, and we went down there and Ca was there, a bit like a caged animal, and after that he said he was afraid and called his father about smoked some hash and became afraid, so soon the car came and took him to home LOL. And after that we walked around, and prepared ourselves for the party, and there Bence took 3 acid blotters, and I took 2… And I was totally tired for a moment, and I ate some sandwitches, and after that suddenly the acid just hit me, in ten minutes, straight to the peak. I totally lost my control, my eyesight just fall aparts, I did not see more than half meter, and I saw mandalas, energy fields, and I was literally in some kind of projected heaven, what was not separated from myself, but was inside of me…and some weeks before with Bence we took refugee in Buddhism, in Buddha, in his teachings, in Buddha heavens, etc, so I was like, wWow I experience that literally…and I cried, that was intense..and at one point I catched C and she was with Ca already, as Ca came back to party for the night, and C helped to me to walk around and I said to her very big shit, like I love her and I want children from her and things like that, because I was fucking afraid, about my whole life is falling apart as I experience another worlds, plains, dimensions, and all, and was nice, and it lasted for maximum a hour, and after that I became very very very tired, I just always was on that being able to not feeling cold(I asked her swetter when she went to dance), and not being so much miserable…At one point X went to home(he didn’t take acid) and Bence said the 3 acid has no effect for him absolutely, he just see everything is moving on the ground, some trippy hallucinations, but anyway not really happening any special. And at one point I saw something big flying circleshaped thing moving upwards, and I just pointed up with my finger to Bence and he saw that and he said: Well I always wanted to know about UFO-s, now I see they just exists. I didn’t say anything, and after that I said ok I go home, I am very tired, burned out, and anyway no energy. But I had to wait until the morning bus…And Bence came with me, and at sunrise we drunk a beer, and was very cool to just go sleep.

Another trip, with another guy, hes name was Candy and we took acid and extasy when acid came into effect…it was like a tornado inside the body, and I was like in a spaceship and I just could stand at the edge of the dancefloor, and Candy came and said hey man, dance, man, dance..and I just almost lost my mind..and he once said that to me, so I started to dance, and it was Kindzadza party, it was awesome, the best psychedelic trance ever, and we just danced all the time when we could…I was quite happy about to seeing a girl, because I liked her picture (at her sister I slept some), and for me she was a bit like Ripley from the alien movies, and that Ripley role remembered a bit for my mother…anyway she was there and we spoke, but I was literally on fucking high, so we just danced and it was cool from that perspective that I am not shy anymore and I do not becoming tired, but with extasy, the pure mind thing became more emotional, and from that, I was not the whole party, with all the place, with all the people, as onness, but more likely I was me, and inside my body I experienced things, and literally I could compress all my ‘joy’ into one point where I wanted…and to dance with Candy was an experience, because he is like a demon(acid+mdma=candy) inspiring all around us, and moving like a very professional dancer, and interacting with everybody, and using a very cool laser pinpointer to making a fucking big show literally, but being sure that he never points more up than the hip(because laser can fuck eyes)..so was quite big party…and I met with others but I couldn’t speak really, because of my chemical setting was like a nuclear plant…

Salvia divinorum:

First I smoked dried leaves, but after that I got the extracted black dust, and we mixed those, even once with Bence we tried on acid…that was big shot…

I just experienced that the room became transparent, and I was somehow something like in dimensions, and I experienced that I was moving very fastly into the nowhere, and I saw many stars, and the space, and energies, and was very interesting…

Bence just started to touch the chair what he sat on, and couldnt to find that point, where he ends and where the chair starts, was funny…

I took salvia many times, smoking from cigarette, smoking from bong, smoking from plastic bottle, etc, and sometimes was really shit weird, so alien like…once i stood on my hand as i smoked – i just wanted to lie down into an armchair, and next moment I saw everything reversed as my body literally started to do standing on my own hands, and i felt like a womanlike demon was walking around in my body…All salvia experiences were totally different, once we smoked with Bence and I saw big blue energy snakes flying around him and I just touched one and disappeared…

Once we smoked and I saw all of us as cartoon players, I literally saw the layers, were like intense colored, and I just saw many many layers on my friends…and as I focused to this, I started to laugh, and couldnt stop until the experience dissolved…

Once I could touch with my sight, and I literally experienced on a very intense way what I focused with my eye, as I saw, and I experienced the quality of the surface, I just touched with my sight…

Once we smoked, some of us, and all experienced at one specific corner there ’is’ something, and it was a bit steepy there, but not with our sight…and in other room we all just sticked to the wall, like it had own gravity…

So there were many strange things…

And sometimes just with marijuana, I got very very intense experiences…once I smoked and I wanted to go out to the city, just I do not know why, just for walk, and it was cold, and we smoked from a bong what made from plastic bottles, and we used to stick a picture onto it for fun – and mine was Ole(the buddhist lama was stickered on that), and I smoked many many times from ole lol and I went out to the street, and in that time I got that very freezy feeling, as I went out, and it was not really phisical, but I even did not know where the fuck I was going – and suddenly I saw the world totally differently, how could I explain, yes, like Frodo, when he put the ring on—everything was dark, literally, grey, and brown, and black, everybody, it was like a hell, not the oktogon(place in budapest, very busy at the center), and I was VERY VERY AFRAID, I saw I was in hell, and I went into the art cinema, my living friend just worked there, and we used to smoke there, but he wasnt around, I looked the fishes in the aquarium, and they were entrapped, and after that I decided to use the subway, and I went and I was sitting at the end and I was looking the people, and the train, and I was like ’here, now, i am here, now i am here, focus, focus, focus’ because I was loosing my mind literally…I was very scary about what will happen if I loose myself there, where were many people, and at one point I just lost all, everything went into white, and I do not remember…

So about 3 years ago something is changed. Until that Bence stopped drugs for sure, I did extensively. I felt like I even do not need to decide any, all already happened, I already did, now I just “have to flow” and the redundant stuff like this automatically fades, just need to do it. I was like that concrete decidement, like “I do not want to be drugged anymore” was also too concrete, ergo that should be the same devotion, like I would say I still take. So I commited myself to my flow: it should happen to take more or not.

I could not decide and I solved that like I found conditions outside from me, what decided that I did take LSD or not – and in my self-dishonesty I said for this that does not matter, come what may!

Changing

But suddenly something changed. It was New Year’s Eve, I took Hoffmann(quite strong LSD dose) at first time and it was very twisty…But what was the most strangest, that no mandalas, no lights, no buddhas, no eyefields, nothing well extended hallucinations I did not get: just was like to be in a ‘sterile’ mind-program. Somehow everything had constrast and I found mind-blowing rumbling in myself, a dreadful spring-force, what drove me and the best was to dance for psytrance, just dance and dance…After that I felt cold, I sat into the room, where a guy ate 5g dried mushroom and Shpongle’s track sounded, called ‘Divine moments of truth’, and we enjoyed that together, but for me just thoughts came, about why do I need to sit here at all, and the guy experienced his little mystical experience – from outside he seemed like he even was not there, just was stunned, and moved his neck as he was sitting. After that in the music there was a peak, that was pleasure, but because of my past memory experiences, but after that the guy looked at me and he asked what was that. I didn’t say anything just stared to him but he experienced that very mystically, and I still did not sayed anything, and the ‘party’ ended before midnight, everyone retreated, the other guy, who I did the acid with, also couldn’t remained just like those sleepy ones, and the other 2 who took some substances, were a couple and were in an another room…and we couldn’t speak loudly and weren’t any music in the room, so my tripping mate went out to walk on ice on the lake, and I was seeing as the candle burns down as hours passed, until all others slept. Bence were there, but he in that time decided not to take any acid, and also he was very coughing, from coldness, and also he slept and I watched also him for hours as he snoozed.

That was my first LSD experience maybe when there was not any ’Light’, just that what was my mind. In that time I did not suspected anything, I thought(hahaha) like hmm well, this should be a test, or something i did wrong, or hm I passed a level etcetc shit..

After that I ate LSD less and less, but smoking continued. After that there was an another LSD experience, between hills there was a party and there I took acid, and my favourite trance performancer came, the KINDZADZA, who is the most asskicking, strikingly marked music on this earth: space war, metal claws, agressive wild sounds penetrating into the deepest part of the human, mixing up with playful, space exploring tricky sounds, when my mind’s polarity equation one in one splitted into 2 parts. On the stage there was the performancer, who I looked upon to, and I saw, well this is SATAN, a demon, an absolute ‘negative’. ‘darkness’. What even can devour my little pathetic light! This redeemed an abhorrent strong counterpole, what seemed like I could be the counterbalance, the positive: if we should say for that the Devil, well than I was Cryst haha…

I felt like I had to give away all because that is lasting and was strange, but after that that performancer lasted, gone, and I went back into the tent and with my mate(who also got those sound metal claws by acid but differently) and we were just lolling around how the trees waved and more 15 hours we couldn’t sleep but smoking in chain.

So maybe this was my last well like ‘mystical’ experience in my life, but it was like the remainder discharging, after that totally I took 3 more times LSD, one of those was in Thailand, the next year’s eve in a party, that was nothing special, oh yes, until last moment it seemed like “there wont be LSD”, but than a Japanese guy came and “just arrived”, and I changed charas to acid, and halfed with a French juggler. The music system went out for a while, when the best part was, my mind also went out but just for a moment, and it came back as more stronger, and I saw very twisted people from the acid(we dealed together from japanese), and I was with them and laughed with them, and runned with them but after I realized they are not really enjoying that really, just they cracked, and I after that realized that is not really funny, so after some dance(was cool)I smoked from chillum…

After that, 2 months later in Goa, at a party I ate one more, it was quite cool music, but suddenly music system went out, it was very very quite, and acid drived me so muchly, and there were so much people, and all was totally twisted and we even danced like that. As I silenced I could dance and there were people who could did whirling and I was happy because I could dance, and even the music was not loud, I even danced, I did like the White Light even “feed me”, but only my burned habits drove me. Of course, because I dance quite loosely, there were some girls who came to me, but as my habit, I could not do anything with them, I never could do that at parties, because I did not felt that to be honest. My friends did MDMA crystal onto nose, and they were on that crystal, but that was not cool for me. They were not all right. I felt them cold, robotlike, but they were on crystal, what for me was like BLOOWNY ‘put me up’ They seemed somehow inhibited, fundedlike, serious, and it seemed that the stuff drove them really, and their body also twitched, but not like ‘AAAAAAAA party time’, but serious and afraidlike headbanged, about ‘it’s king’. After that suddenly the music stopped literally(before only little speakers sounded), that was some kind of fear from police, and we were sitting at the front of the pool, sun burned around, we smoked, and I started incenses, until a girl came to me and said, hey it is too much…my friend’s head were moved like the music still went around, but it was deadly silence. That was unreal awakening. I started to experience there is no more hideout, after this trip I will have to move my fucking ass. I felt like very much tiredness attaced me. Very very much.

Somehow I gathered with a guy from Kuwait and he was full of charas, we continuously smoked, and after that music came back. I moved some for music, but I was very very tired, I also lied down somewhere and I even lost my consciousness. I felt absence, infinite absence, emptiness, insulting sadness. I couldn’t escape from myself anymore…

After that we went back to the beach where our HQ was(we just occoupied a part of the end of a beach and a Romanian girl was in charge to keep on our bags and tents and stuffz..), s on the road we ate some Samosa(spicy fried stuff) from street.I knew if I could eat that I will be sick inevitabely but I was very low on energy and I needed so did. And in that point I felt I got sick, what is just happened and lasted for very months, almost a half year. Belly parasite it was, I did very much diarhoea, and we traveled, I tok many medicines but nothing helped. We moved to an another place, Gokarna beach, we were preparing to participate in Shivaratri, for the big shiva celebration, where all smokes and music and dance, but that was in Varanasi, and I also wanted to go there, but I wouldn’t dared, because I was afraid about I wont have money. Also in that day there was Kindzadza in Nepal, my favourite performer, that also attracted, but also about the money, and all my desire was that in vain, I couldn’t allow it to myself. But we stayed in Gokarna, the shivaratri there was just about throwing bananas, it was “nothing special”, we were staying at Om beach, I became VERY sick, others went back to goa to a juggler workshop, I stayed there with some friends. I shared my room with a romanian girl, she was cute, but not my case, and anyway I was in diarrhoea like as you can imagine it as more intense it can be in a human phisical body.About 20-40 times a day i went to toilet and washed my as by water. With the left one. And taking the water from the barrel. Yet I couldnt smoke, in vain we found the best charas(hash) in india. We moved over to Paradise beach, it was really beautiful, it was a hidden beach with very less toursts, cheap bungalows, restaurants, good faces, beautiful, opened girls, hippies, musicians, nudist part, everything. There were quite lot, I met with some girls who I enjoyed to be with, we could smile as one, but I always liked girls who had their boyfriend behind them, and I felt like that is not „right”, as I became attracted to them, so I avoided them.

Besides that, with a greek girl once we took a bath and huge waves hit the beach, but she just arrived to Paradise and I enjoyed that with her…on that day the death touched me. There and the something definitively broke inside me…we went inside, but not much, and stayed close to the rocks, she swimmed more inside, and took a little time around the rocks, and I just heard her to shout ’careful’, and I saw as a big wave catches me and inside my mind I saw that it hits into the rock beind turned around and it just did not happened…She shouted again that, but it was too late…I lost everything, up and down became irrelevant, the wave just took me, literally like in washing mashine, and my life run down and my mind popped up my mother, and that: Ok before this I survived to spilling my skull, but now I wont…I gave up everything. It was similar to LSD-experiences as all comphounded and suddenly there were exploding or compressing in those times, this one was literally was the splashing mind-fear manifestation, what it just simply turned off the mind for a moment. I so believed that that is over, so it became over. The sea knocked down me so much, but I still was on my own feet, I almost squated. I opened my eyes and the cloddy rock was about some centimeters far from my forehead…FEAR…it came into my mind, more likeli this motivated the mind as me to ’go out from the fucking water’ – and as I pushed away myself into the water, i hit my hip extensively to a rock under the water, I started to bleed..On the beach one guy subsisted…with the girl I never spoke again, a spanish girl, who I was cool with, started to teach her to drumming, I liked her very much, I started to teach her for some basic rhytms, namely I had very big pain in my hip, the bone itself, and I still felt my fear of death, so she came to me as I appeared, and said ’You promised that you will teach to drumming tonight’. Ok. I did, and as I was with her, simply my pain stopped, every shit stopped, our drumming was extremely cool together, inside I had some adrenalin-like stuff, enormous motivation force, horribly fear, what the sea-experience opened, what I couldnt supress anymore…But with all those I was somehow joyful, my mind didnt worked like before, I was straight and stable, I hugged her and directed her hands, we drummed as one, and now as I write this, I see that my mind than and there almost everything released for some hours…But after a while I saw as her boyfriend, who was amazing guitarist, sometimes watches over us, and that was a bite disturbing…After that at night there was party at the beach, with israeliens, hungarians, greeks, all…I danced together with others, my brutal fear of death still was very strong at the moment, my hipbone hurted very much, and it was amazing as on that beach at that party I could not do anything else, like staying moment, because i had very very much pain and I was very tired and old and dreadful. I danced with rainbow brothers and I had no hindrance, not even inferiority or superiority, just self-expression…

After that I ran into a chillum, it was very strong hash-oiled best charas combination, I smoked from that and I became my mind again…I felt tiredness, terrible tiredness, very very big pains I got, and soon I went to sleep. But all were waited for moonclipse…

After one-two days later we prepared to leave with our rainbow-hippie group from the beach, we had to walk up on a path to leave the area, and we walked up there…

I didn’t regret for leaving Paradise. I was there full of the best drugs, with the most beautiful girls, on the literally paradise beach, nothing outer barrier(I always desired this situation – I got it), yet I was a broken old man, like a dog who was chained and just there is his dish, but cant reach. I felt that very very very bad. I was at low point. Anywhere we go from there – it only can be better than this – I was like that…The most profound part was that when with an Israeli girl we saw a doplhpin to appear at the beach and swim away.

At this point I was really very weak, the continous diarrhea took away all my physical strength – I lived only rice, potato and papaya – my 18 kged backpack with the drum was on my shoulder, we walked up on the path by the summit of rock, to leave Paradise beach and somewhere up there I decided for putting down my backpack for a while to rest a bit. (these words are key importance words in my life, now I see). Near me was a quite good fella from hunduras and as I threw down my bag, I said to him ‘many hundreds of kilometers I carried this bag, but now I cant carry it’. And as I threw it down to the pathway, it just slipped down and started to fall into the abyss… I put one hand out for it and literally head down pulled me to the abyss. My friend said that Tala in one moment simply just disappeared into the deepness. It was interesting experience, I didn’t loose my head(I am here), I clinged to branches, whose came into my hand, and shit my bag I didn’t released, but truly it did not get any problem if I don’t, but I slipped, still grasped into a branch, but I ripped it off, and I grasped an another branch, what was cool for that I was not head down, but my feed was down and I slipped on my back…so like that I could see that there down on the Paradise beach some familiars sees as I am falling down haha – I surveyed also the nude beach, where I roasted my ass for weeks, but it seemed to worthy to concentrate to that I am suddenly falling down and it is quite deep, so I grasped into rocks, and those what I held – came out, but slowed me down and I could to grasp to an another – what stopped me, aahhhh. Uh it was stronger thatn 500MW, but hence I laughed. If I fall from there, it was questionable to survive…From up others shouted, didn’t believe that I am living, I got my breath and started to occupy a position, but it was not so stable, they staid do not move, bringing a rope…and meanwhile I regazed the overview, wounds came into conscious, those weren’t so serious, and they pulled me up with my fucking heavy backpack, as I tied the rope into my waist. I remember, as I climbed up, as I used the rope,I totally became one with the rope, with the abyss, with that fact, that was more steepy than the previous sea-experience. I reached the top, and eased up, one brother carried my bag for a while(and hes knee went out shit!), we staggered to the village, and well I was just blinking…A djeep was waiting for us for an all-day travel to reach the other city, and the others looked at me and didn’t believed what happened, and I walked up and down, many water I drunk, my feet were shaked, all-firedly. I held my head, at that time my mind got a quite big slap again…I sat into the car, and we almost started when I said I have to get out, because I womit, and I did, many came up, it was amazing, as I womited, I got freed from something what I even not realized at that time, but was good. I didn’t womited since years, as I stopped alcohol..I cleansed..I laughed and I looked forward and breathed depply…now as I write this, this one is also describes my mind, I ridiculously grasped to my previous experiendes, to my burden, to my mind, to my past, to my desires...

After that we went to that another city, where took me into a hospital, I got antibiotics, and after a couple of days I became better, we went up to an ‘ancient sacred mountain’, where an ‘indian god’ borned, Hanuman, in Hampi, into the monkey temple, but it was a joke, the sadhus(‘saint people’ smoked weak charas, and when we gave them from our strong stuff, they cruelly coughed, and sat down to see standup comedy, by satellite, in one hand the chillum, in another is the remotecontroller, and they always say when smoking: BOM, and BOM shiva…Also we used to say that…one our brother sang with guitar the Hotel California, it was stinkingly hit there for me…the orangeclothed guys rather seemed to strange children, than saints – totally monthy pithon was, and collective dinner with them, and in the tv that song sounded ‘ BOM DIGY – DIGY – DIGY – DIGY – BOM – DIGY – BOM’, from the Trainspotting…after that next day I said good bye from others on the mountain, and I traveled up to Delhi, to visit Karmapa(some kind of Buddhist ‘teacher’, a 21 years old guy, the 17^th reincarnation lol), who we ‘took refugee’, as all Buddha’s activity with Bence, but really I felt nothing. I could do that I speak with him, I ask, but I just sat there, outside I did the same than before, but inside I just couldn’t identify myself one with that. The Light what guided: ceased. But still I went, to visit those places what Buddha suggested, like the stages of his ‘enlightenment’, but all places something strange happened to me. Now I do not explain this more, but shortly I felt like this whole stuff is just not right… I saw unreal poverty and misery, I was like the circle has closed, I felt like I was Buddha itself, but somehow stepping over even him, from a perspective, and from an another not really, but just my mind overreacted. Of course I didn’t say this to the others. I got back the diarrhea, I was very weak, and after the others went back to Nepal, for continuing the pilgrimage, but for me my money had finished(I left B, I could not lend more, and I even did not wanted), I flied back to Budapest.

Here at Budapest, the usual ‘hanging around at friend’s places’ happened, I smuggled some charas for a month and I smoked that and I ate antiamoeba medicine, and I had to find a job. I got one, but was not really cool, but I had to, because I did not have money. I started to rent a villa on a mountain, far from the city, but I could go to work by bicicle. It was cool, but too expensive for me and noone wanted to visit, in vain it had enormous big garden and more levels in the house. After that I moved into a flat, front of the Danube river and the island of Margaret, into a little flaat, and I am still here…

After that now at the new year’s eve of 2007 I took my last LSD, but in that time I knew that wont solve anything, but I was very prepared for that, and it was waiting for me in the Frigidaire, and also since ‘founding desteni’ I did not took any acid, and a bit that tampered my mind, what will happen, so I did, but it was nothing special, just usual, for a moment mind stopped, otherwise terrible tiredness I got, and the mind total manifestation happened, and I danced very much, and I enjoyed to laugh and for I found the way to self: self-honesty…and after that I got very very intense flu, I never had that, but was cool, because it kept me in moment, also couldn’t smoke, what after that I just stopped, because I realized that is separation, suppress me…

And one of my last smokes was cool, very very intense..I smoked much as just I could from bong and I was quite aware, from the perspective of being the mind, and I just lied down and I questioned every thought until I reached my core fear: (to leave the body as experiencing onness and equality: to die from the perspective of the mind, the mind fears from death, fearing from loss, fearing from fear). I know that I have to stop my mind, but I wanted to reveal, why I do not do. And what I realized, that I was afraid to do it. I was afraid to act. I was afraid from act. I was afraid to act as mind to stop itself as mind, because that means the end. And I was tricky, but somehow I went trough that and I realized I am in my own wormhole, and it is neverending like that. Like I want to stop my mind, but I am the mind. So I have to stop myself. I have to stop. I have to stop what I am. I have to stop what I became. I have to stop what I accepted and allowed to became. I have to stop to stop creating my future to be able to get rid off my mind. To be able to stop using my past to create my future to be just moment.

But how I found desteni, why I write this whole story – for myself, as onness and equality.

Desteni-universe

I was working at that company, and I’ve became 28, and at that time I was totally lost: it was not enough that financially I was(and still am) horribly I went to minus, but my job was also awful(hard and overcomplicated, unmeaningful and in addition I fell apart, couldn’t concentrate)

In addition all, what lived me: slipped out from under me: all buddhas, all my ‘ruthless’ luck just in one moment absorbed for a while and I was just searching, searching, and I did everything, for finding, as before I did, but noone came, nothing happened, just what I reached that I manifested many feelings, emotions, thoughts. But really. Literally. I felt that my emotions, thought systems became so much prickling inside me, what was extremely joyful, unreal tremendous prickling. It was similar with the infusion with the White Light by the 3^rd eye point, but it was less conscious, it was like animallike orgasmlike joyrush, what one in one was so intense that I felt out from my surrounding consciously for long seconds and I also became tired. And the trap was the following: this became my fuel what took away my energy. Strange. I became a demon of myself. Self-sucker perceived joybubble, with many useless knowledge.

In these times I was totally fallen: still I visited Buddhist ‘rituals’, but I did merkaba, I drawed sacred geometry and different kind of geometrical formes I visualized around me, just for believing, and to striving for something – totally forgeting that breathing and no thought and about stopping the mind, what I always wanted…I totally lost, and I even did not have power to realize that I am at the bottom…

But in the last years there were signs, my ankle went out very much, for a year I needed until I could walk normally, and after here my right left thumb broken in shape +, double like, I was lying all the time at home and suffered alone in a flat without furnitures without a coin. My familiy visited me, provided me with food, with a little attention, for not dieing, but otherwise i started to falling into despair really.

All what I trusted, believed, knowed, meant nothing, even! Just made me blind and overconfident, illogic and self-dishonest, almost devitalized, just because of one reason: I trusted fully and torally in the system. I totally accepted, that I am in, I am the slave of it, that was my last tactic what I attempted inside that, for still hiding, escaping. I said ok, I can not step out from the system, I can not leave it just simply, well I took myself and started to trust in the laws of the system, the karma, the teachings, the masters, the systems.ted in smiling orangeclothed eastern people, about if i do mumbo jumbo, than I get freed and saving the world. CUNTLY!!! WAKE UP!!! I had found only one quite profound in the diverting called spiritulism: the stories and poems of Saraha mahasiddha, he spoke about the wholeness, about you do mantras without avail, tatra, rituals, with be with vocation, making sex, that is not enough. That is very insufficient. You have to be wholeness, unifying yourself, like the transcendency itself, like the total overcoming of the polarity, like manifestation of self. .I fo not know about that was true, but anyway personally said that uncle, I even met with him in my dream, and trully he didnt shared any methods, concretely didnt said out, just wrote about to see the wholeness as everything as equal with you, but never stated it surely, and the hungarian translatin was very shity.

That’s why I never stopped searching, that’s why I was in the story of Matrix(favourite movie), into sacred geometry, into conspiracies, secret societies, other methods, for trying to find that ‘method’ what reveals the self, what gives straight and effective way to find the power of here and now, like me, without conditions, something like is good for everyone, it is here in everybody, at any situation, space, or time, for realizing ourselves, that what really we are. And if there is one being who can do it, than all should have to do it. I do not accept anymore that, ‘all animals are equal, but there are more equals’ – if I accept this, I am becoming that, I allow that and like that I manifest, I am responsible for that, and becoming my reality, I am maintaining it and I am becoming the slave of it totally. IT IS ENOUGH FROM THAT.

At the Desteni, I fould all this in one word: self-honesty. Ok, one more: self-forgiveness. Because what we are doing, that is not life. But the life starts here and now. I had many realizations about the mind-consciousness field, in the mind-consciousness field, we can say these for ‘seeing’, but I just say ‘preprogrammed dry information, but eventually not life. Like the Matrix. This is the matrix. All around you. Everything is true in that movie, literally. And I even do say(like Neo, but we are all that): I do not know the future, because I just could see until the matrix see. Because beyond that there is life. The life is unpredictable. The life is moment. The moment is unpredictable, undesignable, uncontainable. The mind-consciousness matrix cannot be life. This is revealed until now, just look around. So I do not know how it will be end, but I know how it begins: honesty. Without rules and without secrets, without conditions and without layers, without separation and without judgement, absolute and total honesty. That is life.

Returning back for a moment:

My last hope was the internet – I never had ‘my own’ internet, I was ‘online’ as much I could, the most deranged things I wanted to see, to reveal every secret, because what the most stipulated thing was in my whole life, that I never stopped searching. In vain I found any mystic ‘path’, my search never withered really.

I simply knew there must be people like me, so much ‘cursed’ extremely decided kind ones, who also knows that this is a mind consciousness prison and we have to break trough, but really and there is no middle way. My ‘friends’, almost all who was in ‘getting freed’, ‘stopped’ from LSD, from searching, from questioning everything, from the giving up, they stopped to go over the borders all the time, experiencing the deep point, and overcome all the time etc, and as they stopped that: their need for search, need for breaking out to freedom weakened in the moment…They became satisfied with spiritualism, with family, with escaping into nature, and I realized I cannot count on them. In that perspective that they will realize, they will realize for me, they will realize me. No. They don’t. They wont realize who I am. I am not here for judging, no I am not doing this, just I am honestly writing what comes out, as mind consciousness system, what I have became, and what I stop. This is all about revealing,understanding and stopping my systems, and it’s theoretical and practical documentation. There is no turning back, if the whole desteni could disappear for tomorrow(now it wont for a while), even in that situation I could continue, because this is the basic principle: onness and equality. Onness and equality, which is the common sense, what is totally unravelable,explainable by the common sense: now here, infinite, honesty without condition, total freedom.

I do not remember which video I had found at the first time, but it was or the reptilian history of mankind by Jack or some of interview from the dead series beyond the grave was, Jim Morrison was what I said for heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy. Of course in that time I smoked very much and I just started to see the desteni videos and in my body the systems as one vibrated, shaked, saying as one that: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. The videos are profound, true, one by one are revealing the unquestionable pure truth, seemly similars, but somehow all are different.

There was a girl, who can ‘fly out’ from her body and from the afterlife somebody came into her body and spoke, as her body is operating as a portal. This portal-placement in her body is the basic placement of the onness and equality. It started like this, she came out from her body and found herself in other dimensions, and can see everything and everybody, can approach as one as equal as her, and all like this came into surface, about this whole world is an enslavement and control system, an ultimate prison, where all are slaves, and needs to be equalitze and unify…on the internet there is everything…

And after the girl comes back, and goes ou …after this girl herself also spoke on videos, and after there was the other girl, called Andrea, who spoke about demons, and I saw that this girl is that, what is she saying is not lie, and somehow I knew, as she spoke I experienced with her, and what about she spoke, I just knew. It was strange. Of course my mind said, oks haha she is your next girlfriend, but also at that time I didnt allow to focus things like that, because I realized all my thoughts are deception, those are breaking the onness and equality, separate me from that, and totally specific, and existing by me, I am that thought, and needs to unify…So…

I started to see the desteni videos, in the begining just were interesting, but after the Jim Morrison video somehow seemed to so authentic, i said this girl couldnt to act him like this, so I just saw it furthermore, and I found videos about Veno on matrix, what I didnt understood totally in that time, but was obviously like : the mind is our system, that is our ’enemy’ like in the movie!!!

Till after all I saw Gurdjieff’s videos and I got mind-blowing realizations, just from that as he spoke, as he moved his head, his eyes; the text I almost didn’t get in the first four-five watch, it was so obvious that is not faqe, here is speaking Gurdjieff from the afterlife…I put here also that I did not know his works really, just I have a friend who in Thailand spoke about him, he’s interesting, and somehow ‘spiritual’. Well it hit me, it hit me that here something profound came into world.

I saw the videos in a row and after I started to see the History of Man series and the truth slapped my face. Some years ago I watched trough all David Icke, one after one, and I read all his books, Alex Jones, Credo Mutwa, I did many investigations about the reptilian connection, (nagas, dragons, serpents, lizards, snakes etc… I was always suspicious about on every pharmacy there is the snake, WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT THERE? For example…) and this reptilian thing somehow just came into picture in one moment. And after the self-forgiveness and absolute honesty and onness and equality, stopping the mind, just breath – these words spoken for themselves for me, and I realized these guys are not wandering, let’s see it from closer – and I registered to the forum and I asked, and after I got answers, and I got very specific answers for that, where I do not see myself, what from the Buddhism I never got, they just said that: some hundeds of thousands mantras, and prostrating and mandalas and after some more tantric mantric I could start to discipline the mind…The whole stuff started to be questionable, and I realized that was always like that for me…how the fuck is that I could see buddhas and beings, ‘deep’ hallucinacions I saw, but still in my everydays life I can not stand stabily – and I put myself off with empty promises that later I will have to be traveler beggar for finding my cave, but for my luck(or my self-will and personal anomalies) for me I did not have to sit for many years-decades, in weeks/months I could experience that what others never could…and this way they damned themselves for their entire life for desiring these mystical, separated minddeceptions, wanting to get to different heavens, dimensions, and wanting totally forget about their true self, about the helly situation of the earth, wars, children, and what is exactly going on here on earth. So that was the most strangest part, well, I could do very much spiritual eye-wash, what practically I never could use in the moment, just about – if I divide (from the perspective of the mind) my entire lifetime about in 0.01% I saw totally and truly what the shit is going on here, for counterpole the totally miserable, helpless enslavement in the ‘other’ moments. Tricky.

And I lived like this – I used this information, this knowledge(what I downloaded, sucked out, drawned in from by the short becoming one with the Unified Consciousness Field experiences) for hiding behind that, for bastioning myself around with that, what I used to used to ‘live’, for being one who does not need to do anything anymore and for believing – put something across others that I do not need to do anything anymore, just enjoying life and everything is cool. And also I broadcasted this, like that is the way hey… I used the White Light for hiding, totally, and truly noone saw that this whole is a big diverting as one shit, and not only what I am doing but the whole spiritual and enlightening stuff is just separation and illusion.

And after that I started to do self-forgiveness, rather I just wrote onto paper, like an animal, and shit, it used!!! As I am saying out, writing down, I simply just see it, and something is changing by my voice, as I am becoming one with that: I forgive myself…

There were very little, but very determining and very influencive moments in my life what I just couldn’t handle…for example:

Once I had a dog, Buksi, who I once hit with a stick,because he was just afraid and bitten me and it hurt me(it was not serious) and that was just not right… and as I stopped hitting him(it was some hit), already I frightfully rued, and I never could forgive it for myself, I never could overcome on this. Or another: when I was very drunk(after 2 bottles of wine) I started to kick seriously my ex-wife(at the university, she was at time ‘my girlfriend’), just because she told me that she once got an orgasm from a guy who just lied on herself and thed didn’t fuck, but he was ugly, bigdicked and very clever and rich –for that I totally lost my head and front of others I started to kick her like as a demon. Or once in Budapest in a shop I was very frustrated and I grasped C’s tit very much and it was very very bad, she felt pain for very long time from that.

There werent too much like that(theese were the most intense ones), but those almost always were inside me and I started with theese, getting even more specific, and I could forgive those for me, and I still have a very very little reaction in my mind for theese, as I am writing, but I am stopped participated in this, it is weakening, fading. So with these I ‘tested’ and it is working. Self-honesty. Self-forgiveness.

I started to see the mind. I started to see that until now I was running from facing, that’s why I got here, where I am, and certainly I have to understand my mind, for being able to stop it…it is not enough to mumbling and staring the wall…What a lug thing to think that we are all one big light and giving up ourselves to conform into big cog-wheels and we are doing like wouldn’t matter our lives, our previous decisions, faults, fears, but ‘speeding up’ we want to ‘leave’ those, for wanting to left those behind. Hahahahahaha. The COMMON SENSE started to work at the first time in my life…

My White Light experiencerush, total infusion and overlook started with the LSD and from that I saw the Light in all everywhere and in everyone, in myself and in the world as one, almost equally – always.

I became so dependant from that, because it concealed,’lived’ me, and provided with everything, just not wanting to face with my honesty, and I asked very big price for this: I wanted to see the system, to experience worlds, and mystical experiences, free subsistence, and insensible, loathsome, amazing joy I wished, immunity from liability, and invulnerability> what is owing to a Buddha, to start from we suppose that the system is true and working.

Theese so-so I got, so big delight, what the White Light gave to me, nothing system, nothing drug, nothing sex did not gave to me, and I was so dependent, slave, servant of it, as I just could. I gave up everybody and everything just for being one with the White Light, that was my motivation, my quest, my destiny, my plan, my whole life became for that, and suddenly from one day to another it disappeared. It was so shocking, that I needed years to start doubting, while I started to ‘fly down’, for this I needed those staggering ‘near death’ experiences, for being lost totally, for break down, for loosing everything. So when they spoke at desteni about the White Light, like enslavement system, what has been ‘shut down’,’closed’, something hit me what never anything else.

So amongs others this was the turn in my fortune, and all my doubt has gone when I continued to read and see the material I found the followings:

-The basic principle is the ONNESS AND EQUALITY: this is, was and will. Everything is one and equal. That has been abused by some beings who programmed a reality, which provided one enslavement system, inside all equally became slaves (even the creators, not realizing that there is no escape from the onness and equality).

-They spoke about the White Light, Mind consciousness system, soul construct, and heavens, the matrix, like a holographic reality, the illusion of the timespace, the projections of the mind, like control and enslavement system, which we accepted and allowed, to control, because we are not honest, and we are afraid and escaping from ourselves, and this separation and self-dishonesty manifested such of this extent…

-The Tree of life(a being in me), what got every single one human being who already realized this, like onness and equality and with me as one and equal as me waking up, and assisting me. And this girl, who’s body is the portal, allowed to speak this being(at the private forum people ‘get’ this video interview vlog), who is inside me about how I am, how is it(he-she) experiencing itself inside me, for assisting, for showing what I have became. Because the heavens and dimensions, endless worlds, universes has been stopped, now on earth all is unifying. And every single atom in this world is a being like this, who already realized that previously lost, and the self-honesty, self forgiveness is the process which with can come over the shit, and doing this, because they do not have mind-consciousness system, as we have, humans, yet who they are as beings, are influenced by the White Light, so still have a lot ‘to realize’. So somehow they are experiencing the onness and equality, every knowledge, information they see, but in practically that is useless, but from other side it has to manifest in physical manifestation(in body, or as ‘something’), so they are ‘fucked up’. So every ‘eye’ on the human beings, because the human phisical body now is the ’best’ vessel for the onness and equality, just have to realize it ’inside’, as itself, to stop the mind, for the being ‘who drives it’ can be expressed(who we are really). So the ‘Tree of Life’ is standing me as me as equal as me for assist and always ‘push’ me a bit, for facing with that what I became, what I have to understand, and stop. And this being, said that, what I have to be faced, like giving a starting point for this.

And that KICKED ASS. I have never been told so determiningly and exactly, for know how I am. It was simply impossible to deny this, it was so like me, I recognized so much like me, that almost hurt. Because this is the truth. Truth hurts. I always knew this, but ‘alone’ I never dared, never knew, what to do, so I ordered into layers, I hided from myself too, but I was so tricky, about one day all veil will fall and ‘it starts’. So by this video interview I could start, for being honest with me, I could start the self-forgiveness..

-The Hitler(his story of life, afterlife experiences being a demon, his self-forgiveness, the systems, his realizations etc) things put very much things into their place(still did not read trough all)

-The many interviews from different beings(deads)

-Structural resonance – what the human being became, the implant points in the body(as in the matrix), about where what like systems are working for separation,

-The design of man video series – what reveals the making slave from humans, what the ‘enslavers’ placed in us, who wanted control…

The DESIGN of The DELUSION-- I must go THERE
The DESIGN of IGNORANCE is BLISS
The DESIGN of ARROGANCE as Ego Personified
The DESIGN of The EXCUSE -- I am only HUMAN
The DESIGN of TRUST as Self Dishonesty
The DESIGN of REACTION as Polarity Enslavement
The DESIGN of GUILT as ENTRAPMENT
The DESIGN of FEARING your own FEAR
The DESIGN of ATTENTION as ELITE Fool Mankind
The DESIGN of ART in the Unified Field
The DESIGN of ATTENTION as ELITE Fool Mankind
The DESIGN of TIME LOOPS to face self truth
The DESIGN of SCIENTIFIC Influences in the Unified Field
The DESIGN of LUCK as Miracles
The DESIGN of RACISM to Separate Man
The DESIGN of INSPIRATION as Personality
The DESIGN of THE ADRENALINE Junky
The DESIGN of THE NEW WORLD ORDER- The Next Phase
The DESIGN of The HOLY TRINITY as Deception
The DESIGN of The HOLY TRINITY as Deception
The DESIGN of The MIND Consciousness System
The DESIGN of LAZINESS as DRUG of the MIND
The DESIGN of AUTISM and AUTISTIC Children
The DESIGN of ADDICTION to Drugs
The DESIGN of VACCINES to Enslave Man
The DESIGN of Nostradamus and Edgar Cayce- Predictions
The Design of Loneliness
The DESIGN of HYPNOSIS to keep Man Stupid
The DESIGN of The POPE in Unified Field
The DESIGN of Intent in Unified Field
The DESIGN of GEORGE BUSH in Unified Field
The DESIGN of DREAMING assisting YOU
The DESIGN of LIGHT WARRIORS in Unified Field
The DESIGN of DNA to control Humans
The DESIGN of ADOLF HITLER in Unified Field
The DESIGN of SCIENCE and why People are DUMB
The Design of Evolution as Unified Field
The Design of Thoughts--how they look like, how they work and how they are coded
The DESIGN of The CHRISTIANITY Unified Field
The Design of The AURA
The Design of CHAKRAS
The DESIGN of The PICTURE Reality you See
The DESIGN of The Unified Field as NOW
The DESIGN of The Marriage Unified Field to lock IN slaves
The DESIGN of The NEED Unified Field to separate
The DESIGN of The EDUCATION Unified Field
The DESIGN of The Equality And Oneness Unified Field
The DESIGN of DESIRE in the Unified Field as SEX
The DESIGN of The PERSONALITY UNIFIED Field
The DESIGN of RELIGION as Global Slavery
The DESIGN of The UNIVERSAL MIND
The DESIGN of The SOCIETY Unified CONSCIOUSNESS Field
The DESIGN of The CONSCIOUS Mind- Human Enslavement
The DESIGN of The SUBCONSCIOUS Mind- Human Slavery
The DESIGN of The UNCONSCIOUS Mind- Global Slavery
The DESIGN of WHO am I as a Reptilian MIND
The DESIGN of POWER we give to World ELITE
The design of God as Fear
The DESIGN of Common Sense as Reptilian Logic
The Design of Fear of Loss
The Design of Fear of Parents
The Design of The Whiner
The Design Of Respect
The Design of Truth
The design of Happiness
The Design of Giving Up
The Design of Imagination
The Design of Bulimia
The Design of Greed
The Design of Ascension
The Design of Jealousy
The Design of Polarity
The Design of Anxiety
The Design of Cellulite
The Design of Prayer
The Design of Gambling
The Design of Choice
The Design of Love and why we Rebound at Break up
The Design of Verbal Diarrhea and Gossip
The Design of WifeBeater and Violence in the Family
The Design of Death and Fear of Death and what to do about it
The Design of Make-up and the Desire to look Beautiful
The Design of Alcohol and the creation of Alcoholics
The Design of Fear of the Future
The Design of Voices in the Head and how that traps a being in Beliefsystems
The Design of Love and how that traps humans in the Mind
The Design of Hope and how not to be trapped in hope
The Design of hope and how it traps

-System demon video series - symbolizing that what the humanity accepted and allowed in self – before the portal the demons were the only beings who relatively were free in the universe, but they also were dependant of energy, that is driving everything, this is what we have to stop..So the demons always knew that the gods and masters and religions are enormous big fuckups, and they came for making fun, and feeding up energy from fear and from pain, from the system, from ‘destroying’ the system but they were afraid from themselves still, and the portal started with ‘them’, for realizing onness and equality – before that everyone had feared the demons, everyone didn’t give a shit for them, but they are also beings like us üü and now the demons are helping in the system for realizing what we have became…(concretely: honesty demon, beliefsystem demon, starting point demon, beauty demon, anger demon, eye-demonmanagement system demon, fear from change demon, sacred geometry triangle demon, information demon, knowledge demon, crocodile tears demon, energy demon, embarrassment demon, possession demon, obsession demon, swearing demon, ascension demon, meditation demon, peace demon, health demon, nervousness demon, sex demon, wisdom demon, mother demon, masturbation demon, money demon, prophecy demon, time demon, child abuse demon, trust demon, father demon, fear from loss demon and fear demon)

-Solution videos -

The SOLUTION when Realizing that I am HERE
The SOLUTION when Realizing that FEAR SUCKS
The SOLUTION of Changing the Past as Guiltlessness
The SOLUTION as SELF TRUST as SELF HONESTY
The SOLUTION as ACTION as SELF MOVEMENT
The SOLUTION as ONENESS as Realization
The SOLUTION as BREATH in Every Moment
The SOLUTION as AMALGAMATION as LIFE to be FREE
The SOLUTION as WRITING YOURSELF to FREEDOM
The SOLUTION as SELF FORGIVENESS as LIFE
The SOLUTION as ATTENTION as Breath of Life
The SOLUTION as EQUALITY in Practical Application
The SOLUTION as SELF WILL as SELF POWER
The SOLUTION as SELF HONESTY as LIFE

-At the desteni forum anybody can register, to log in, and start question - but better to read material, and see the videos and see FAQ, because many answers are can be founded...

-Into the private forum only those can log in who are really facing with themselves, wanting to be honest, ABSOLUTELY, even applying BRUTAL self-honesty. Facing with fears, to expose it at whatever price, to understand own personal mind-set, what we have became, what we hided behind etc

Here I got opportunity to start to see in, how desteni ‘works’, what kind of people are they, and revealing, speaking things, what noone could believe, in the chat i did speak with those beings who could noone belief, because here it is not about to convince about this is trure or not, but we are simply assisting each other for birthing self-honesty, life into the physical reality, as one and equal with all to stop this horrible mind, what we have became…

Many of us started to writing book about our lives to share, to demonstrate the process, the self-honesty personal – different, but yet the same – guide, the example of self-realization step by step. That’s why we opened blogs, vlogs, for demonstrate, for observe and share what we realized, like life birthing and this is inevitable, it is already happened, the choose had been made already by all, and now we are here to understand.

For more, deeply, in details: in my book, what I will start to write after translating some desteni articles books(firstly for myself, and of course for others too – I put up to internet) – I start to write it really…

The KEY IS SELF-HONESTY, IN THE MOMENT.

The Choose:

• I choose the mind, as deception as past as thoughts and feeling sand emotions,or
• I choose LIFE, as BREATH, as moment, as self-honesty as onness and equality

It is simple like this.

And it is not just about ourselves, about our little mind-bubble, because all is one and equal, and that’s why everybody has influence and effect to the world, everybody is equally personally responsible about the current situation of the world, and here is too big the chaos, the confusion, IT HAS TO BE STOPPED. The CONTROL, THE SYSTEM, THE MATRIX is stopping, collapses, dissolves, disappears. Or you realize now here in life that what you have became, accepted and allowed to became, as the mind, s from this mind-consciousness system you grow out, and birthing life not only for yourself and for your surroundings, but for the whole world as one and equal with all ---

Or you play your little self-dishonest fake-personality until death, when as the body dies, when the mind stops, you realize that oh fuck, how I could be so blind and you do it then as one singular atom in still moving another person’s body.

Some momentums at the end

• I do not write this for what should believe, it is not the question about belief, this is about self-honesty, about self-forgiveness. And we start this with ourselves. Because the man is a little universe. By like this the process goes, this is fact, with this you can fight, resist, but simply like this or like that all face with self: what have accepted and allowed to became. Because it is the end for this.

• I do not write this for attract people…the secret, as the law of attraction is also mindgame. No. I speak about the total stopping of the mind, the total withdrawal of the human creation, about the absolute manifestation of the onness and equality. All desire, play, separation has to be transcended – I speak about this. Nothing master, no hierarchy, no exception, no compromise.

And at the end I quote some from the Structural Resonance, what can be fit here:

See, you have the total and complete dimensional existence where you go to when you die and then you have the 3D-dimensional existence where you remain here on earth, yet you are able to observe everything as though you're looking through a specified X-ray mechanism. Meaning that you don't only see the pictures as humans do through their physical human eyes as they view the world and the universe and other human beings etc., you see that which designs and formulates the picture's manifestation – that which exist ‘behind' the picture, ‘within' the picture and ‘as' the picture.

All human beings on earth are mere structural resonances within this consciousness system as defined and designed by you during your first earth life. Nothing more nothing less – just that. As I would phrase the scenario: Humanity is in for a rude awakening! Because that which you have trusted, that which you have placed your hope and faith within is the very structural essence that has enslaved and controlled you for eons of time: Consciousness. What easier way to fool humanity but to present the ‘Devil' as ‘God' and visa versa – diverting humanities very trust, faith and hope into that very essence which is causing the chaos and destruction in this world: Ever considered that? By the looks of it: No, you haven't!

for more:

Structural Resonance introduction

Structural Resonance_Head points

Structural resonance and other articles