[JTL 149] Need for fight and win part 2 - fear of power

I continue with the fight and winning point which I started to open in the last post.

As I mentioned in an other previous post when I played MUD wherein I was hunting other players for become the best of bests and how I enjoyed being powerful, feared and envied only in the game.

Within reality I always despised such acts because I've defined it as weakness because real power should be sharing and caring and all fight and aggression is because of original fear - but at the same time I was convinced that everybody becomes powerful by these and I had this friction within me being hungry for power yet denying to use ways which is abusing others.

This I overreacted, in fact based on a fear of becoming evil and also defining everything what comes with power in this world as avoidable, such as wealth, influence, exposure, fame - in a way because I've defined myself as gullible, fallible, naive as well - so I avoided everything what would lead me to have even stability, power. I looked beyond these points, basically 'virtualization'.

Virtualizing experiences what only happen in my mind - within gaming, with sex films, daydreaming, fantasizing, reading - and later on when started to explore in reality, not realizing the same starting point being lost in spiritualism, psychedelic experiments, buddhism etc - and still disregarding physical here. This time I do not go into details with buddhism as those who define themselves can refer me back that they are living it in reality - that is their point to realize - for me it was mostly a mind-game, chasing butterflies in my imagination and I could start my process of self-realization when I was able to let go these completely. So back to fear and power.

A typical example of I had fear of learning martial arts because what if I lose my temper and kill people, so within that fear I did not learn such things and only realizing that when I actually learned martial arts I learned to control, direct, pacify, calm myself and eventually face and stop fear for instance from falling onto concrete or being hit I can embrace and avoid being harmed from.

So this was a glimpse of the past let me walk the practical self-realization further with Self-forgiveness as understanding the self-dishonesty in my past to prepare the self-correction in the present and commit myself for living in integrity with myself and all others in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to experience power, being feared and envied because of the starting point of fear, fear from not having power, envy others within power and wanting to equalize myself, neutralize myself as the mind with the energetic reaction within self-judgement in polarity in the belief that if I reach the equilibrium in my mind then I can live in peace and stopping the conflict within me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I defined myself and my stability, my state of beingness according to experiences of polarity judgement values of who I am and not realizing that these judgement-reaction-energy-experiences I gave my mind permission to come and go automatically according to external circumstances and within that giving my direction, power away and believing that power is when I can equalize, balance out the negative and positive within me and never considering the common sense of preventing the negative and the positive reactions to give permission my mind to accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the real power I was looking for was always about and towards myself, being able to have power within me without being separated, without living between polarities, conflict, friction and live undefined, untamed, unlimited from within and trusting myself to live thoughtless, direct, physical expression breath by breath always within and as the location of my human physical body here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define power on/about people according to the judgements I had about what I lack therefore it must be that as power such as money, fame, influence, exposure which I could not have because of initial self-judgements of I lack these and also the abilities to get I never practically explored within the belief that these are 'negative' as using and abusing others within self-interest, which I judged in others, yet I wanted the same experience which I feared to get in physical reality so I experienced these within my mind wherein I seemed to not harm anyone with it and not realizing I was harming and suppressing myself and becoming delusional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as selfish, dark, evil within and as me so deliberately avoiding and refusing anything in this world what would give me power, direction, stability, influence and wanting to find positive, experience light, wanting to be good and never realizing the mind-prison I've manifested myself to live within based on fear which I've not seen as having excuses and justifications of why I am better if I am powerless and inconsistent and defining who I am according to that as personality of Talamon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the light, positive, good because of wanting to fight, battle, equalize, win, dominate the original self-definition, self-judgement, experience of energy within and as myself in and as my mind and body of negative, bad, darkness and never realizing that life here just is, no polarity, no definition, no limitation so unless I participate within any polarity - I am lost within consciousness systems.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the real power I was looking for is being here, being aware of myself, my reality as equal as one and remain undefined, yet expressing and trusting within myself as life, to be able to become consistent, responsible, stable and effective.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within fearing from myself and expressing myself I was suppressing myself and becoming addicted to energetic reactions within me which is not physically here, only for me, believing it has no consequence for others and never seeing/realizing/understanding that by being influenced, directed by delusions/fear I have manifested consequences anyway in reality which is being shared with others equally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the direct solution here within common sense to investigate/explore/understand my self-definitions, slow down within and forgiving the self-accepted definitions to give myself a blank, empty moment within I can breath through the need for reaction, for automatic association and remain here undefined and trusting myself within learning to express and live myself with words what are the same written, said and lived equally.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that with becoming, being resourceful within this world I can be supportive for myself and others equally and it is not a law to become corrupted by fear or greed automatically so realizing that within the starting point of Life and Equality and Oneness within Self-honesty I can use the power, stability, wealth, influence, fame to support myself and others to live by the principle of "Give as you would like to receive" and "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself" and support practical solution to manifest living opportunities which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from having power because I've defined myself as very good for becoming smart, able to direct and win, rule, dominate and becoming obsessed with perfection therefore building up a personality which I never practically lived, only used to compare my real living with it and creating friction and coming up excuses and justifications of why I am in fact facing being powerless in real life and pushing myself to go more and more deep and layer into consciousness systems and energetic reactions while not seeing that I am lost within delusions of virtual battles in myself based on fear which is not real, unnecessary, ridiculously limiting and frustrating.

So today I also bring up a point of Self-support, I've just recently listened this interview, which is very supporting:

to be continued...

[JTL 112] Waking up as moment as me - Part 3

I have some issues with my eye so I had to minimize my screen-staring time - however I do not stop stopping the mind.

Continuing on the last post of

• [JTL 110] Waking up in the morning as moment as me 
•  [JTL 111] Waking up as moment as me - Part 2

I used to use different techniques to deepen my inner silence and those were not equal and one as myself therefore I was bound to conditions. The very conditions I've defined myself with in terms of rooting myself into consistent stability within constant physical presence.
The deeper I 'feel' to 'experience' this silence - things come up and I have the tendency to react and by that reaction being occupied and by that occupation 'coming back to the surface' wherein I am busy reacting with and to: thoughts.

Herein referring 'deep' as silence and surface as conscious mind.

The starting point is not specific of this, the simplicity is prevailing within the polarity of 'superficial' versus 'profound' because no matter where I am in fact I am always 'here' within the realization and consideration of who I am as starting point and physical expression.

So by that I correct myself here to stop this polarity of 'deep silence' versus 'superficial noisiness' as both is of and as definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I accept and allow thoughts during my day - it will be a pattern what will come back and as I've accepted it previously - if I do not change - I will accept it again.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have not fully, really explored what it means to practically not accepting thoughts as reactions within me during the day when facing something what I judge, react with instead of directly, silently, equal as one live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined/thought/accepted things and tools and methods and substances/stimulations/energies to silent myself within and living the relationship what I have accepted towards these to induce the experience of silence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I 'let there' within my mind - it will not disappear by itself unless I stop it and remove and correct myself not reacting the same way.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within breathing I have developed a method by thinking being aware of the breath meanwhile thinking and feeling like focusing on breathing and in fact thinking and controlling breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be absolutely specific to thought patterns, each to see what is the starting point, reason, the specific fear I go into it and learn how to practically decompose and remember to PREVENT it when it comes again.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the simplicity within Self-honesty to see what I am accepting and allowing within and taking granted what is within as it is who I am and never questioning it every time when I am not fully aware to the utmost degree of what I am doing, how I am feeling, why I am thinking.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why and when I go into thinking according to what exactly I do with my human physical body and reckoning the patterns I go into the mind while stimulating it with those specific body postures, movements.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why I exactly fear from facing and correcting myself with the points I think about and not realizing that I am completely able to overcome the fear and face it and let it go if I use the tools of consistent writing, Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, breathing within physical presence, Self-correction and Self-commitments step by step.

When and as I notice a thought - I realize until I correct the reason and fear as self-dishonesty it means in physical - it will remain as myself as creation as separated from me in and as the mind as thought.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that until I do not correct physically the reason, the fear as Self-dishonesty the thought means - it will remain as myself as creation as separated from me in and as the mind as thought.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that correcting physically a thought means standing within the understanding how and why it's been created and live correction to not fall into the energetic temptation of the mind again and remain stable, consistent within the decision of Self-correction.

When and as I do not realize I am thinking - I realize I must be thinking that's why I am not aware of am I thinking or not - therefore I slow down, and stop within - and I breathe.

When and as I am stopping and breathing here - I realize it is nothing to be judged, fear, think - I stop participate within polarity of the mind defining that I am deep in silence or I am at the surface - I am here, I am present, I disregard thoughts within the understanding how and why they come.

When and as I think of things - I realize I fear not being able to deal with it or fear from forgetting or fear from making a mistake or fear from consequence or fear from who I am and what I will manifest - I slow down - I stop - I breathe and I realize I am here - there here-ness I am and I trust myself here and if I mistake - I do not judge, I correct myself, I forgive myself, I learn, I change, I live unconditionally.

When and as I fear from making a mistake - I realize I am not the mistake and I do not require to define myself by mistakes - but take responsibility and consider consequences within common sense and trust myself and see what comes up in regards to doubt and specifically forgive, let go that and expand within self-trust breath by breath.

When and as I think about women - I realize it is fear and desire and I stop it and I realize - I act rather than react - there is nothing to be fear from and there is nothing to be desired - I am expression here.

When and as I experience devotion, desire I realize it is from energy of mind - it is not myself - I am letting go desire and use common sense and let go all definition-based judgments what cause me to feel lacking and not acting and not question the feelings within Self-honesty.

When and as I think about money - I slow down and I consider facts and I use common sense and I realize fear and worry does not assist and feeling good about having money is the same as worry not having - distraction from here within polarity according to fear or the equation to fear therefore I stop, I breathe, I let it go unconditionally.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts coming up in my mind and directly be here and trust myself to not need to have a reaction/inner dialogue/backchat to judge/define/tell me what is happening, who I am, who I must be.

I commit myself to not accept any thoughts by default and I commit myself to not trust thoughts as myself but realize that it is a consequence of previously accepted separation from what is here.

I commit myself to stop defining silence within based on polarity and realizing I am here within presence or not and there is no middle ground - and the compass is Self-honesty and physical breathing.

[JTL 110] Waking up in the morning as moment as me

"I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to wake up in the morning as the breath as me as the moment as me."

That was a relevant moment in my life realizing the importance of

• Self-forgiveness on Sleeping shared by Jack.

That is quite a milestone for self-realization to acknowledge the importance to wake up as clear mind as possible - to start with clean, blank state - no thoughts, no worry, no fear - more practically: no internal echo, dialogue, monologue, words spiraling around within - especially through the process of waking.

For that to realize why it is required to write daily to let go the last day and solve everything possible IN THE HEAD.

The resting will be more effective, the sleep will be more healing, regenerating and of course the waking process for the next day: as to say: innocent birthing for tomorrow is not something too far fetched to disregard in terms of PREVENTING confusion, anxiety, worry and ineffectiveness; more obviously: more calm, relaxed, stable and PRESENT participation within what is relevant, -the reality shared with all others: physical.

The waking process itself I always find fascinating, as I come to alive as who I have accumulated to accept to be as myself the days before - so in a way as I wake up is the result of my past - that then make sense to release and let go inner conflicts to embrace the next day as directly as possible without the noise of the thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Also I've noticed how accumulates the Self-forgiveness within deepening the understanding of how I have accepted and allowed thoughts to drive, entertain, stimulate me and fuel my personality of mind which is a layer between direct reality and my beingness referred as perceived separation which can and should be investigated as it is not a simple thing, not something what can be just 'realized' in a moment but the physical body's behavior has been literally became the carrier of this layer's starting point's as personality, character, and by external stimulus it can be automatic and that can be changed - not circumstances, family, school, media create me - I stop that step by step and I create myself - I am already created, I am already creation - so walking backwards within understanding is required to exactly know the WHY and HOW and by that becoming able to DECIDE to STOP it as who I have became and it is very practical to investigate thoughts, the waking process and the experience when nothing is moving within but acting within Self-trust without any perceived separation from what is here as ourselves.

Therefore I walk some Self-forgiveness each day what comes up at waking process as thoughts - as the reflection of what I experience myself separated, perceiving as problems, issues within what I do not trust myself unconditionally, consistently, naturally that I can take, direct, solve without any fear - as what is thought but drop the constant physical presence and by that freezing the constant expression as acting, speaking, writing, inner silence - that's why comes up within the inner reflection, feedback system: that is not the real deal - that is my personal reflection - the result of my perceived separation's starting point - so I have to understand if first - not just react to that thought, worry, anxiety by default - as 'my perceived' default might not be what is really best for me, best for all - and awareness starts with being able to consider that, constantly.

What worried about this before the most, that when I will have my 'fun', 'entertainment' and 'joy' and the more I walk the 7 years of Journey to Life, I realize more and more that the previously perceived 'entertainment', 'joy, 'fun' was mostly a second level occupation for covering the facts, that I am accepting myself being separated from my true beingness, what is directly here, as body, as physical, as all, as substance.

One can re-define fun, joy, entertainment what still can be enjoyable, but what matters most is the starting point as who I am within this particular expression and how and why I am doing it and is it direct joy without any reason of dishonesty?

Parents and schools do not teach this to be aware of, therefore we are where we are here as human society and that's why it is never too late to 're-educate' ourselves with the starting point of LIFE, not as energy, love as these are merely bandaids for the already existing problems - and then love can become life, energy can be equally available for all and that can be supported physically, within this current system: politically - there is nothing what from we can separate ourselves in this existence what for we should not take responsibility for - as one starts stopping the thoughts within understanding and self-correction through applying Self-forgiveness - the limits will not stop, the whole existence is in fact Self.

That can be quite shocking when starts coming in - in terms of realizing responsibility and consequences of even one thought or deed  - disregarding one breath while acting based on reaction what was passed through the generations before ourselves - but to consider the generations to come, the children to come as who they really are as ourselves: it is more and more real and for that it is imperative to realize that not becoming the 'savior syndrome' and taking huge things onto our shoulder but to realize this: for me it took years, I know but the sooner one starts to grasp, the better:

to stand as all as one as equal as individual self within oneness and equality

and myself being responsible for my internal system, my direct external system while consider the whole system and with simple principles applying ensuring the greater, measurable good:

• do onto others what you would like to receive
• thy love your neighbor as thyself
• what is best for the one is what is best for all

So within applying the simple tools one can realize that first to stop the thought cycles of conscious mind is relevant, possible and already a responsibility for each.

So I write and say Self-forgiveness on waking up as moment as me, breath as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to not wake up in the morning as moment as me, as breath as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am thinking is still the dream sequence and letting it 'flow through' and then not realizing that I am here already but focusing to the thoughts and then another thoughts and then another thoughts and not realizing that I am allowing the thoughts instead of simply stop and breathe and act and wake up physically.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within thinking I am disregarding my body, my breath, my direct self-trust here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry in the morning in the bed about things I did not do yesterday or the things I have to do today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing consequences today of what I have done yesterday or what I have not done yesterday.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from doing something today or fear from not doing something today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the same will happen as yesterday or before and judging it as bad or avoidable or negative what I do not want to repeat or face again because it felt as bad, avoidable, negative and not realizing that my starting point was of separtion through opinion as knowledge of disregarding facts.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that even one thought is enough to start the mind system as who I have developed through the years as personality to tell me who I must be, what I must experience and what I can do and what I can not and believing myself to be that, only that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define morning tiredness, dullness, slowness as lack of energy and not realizing that the mind requires energy through thoughts, judgments, definitions, friction, polarity, conflict which through it can have energy to flow within and by that fueling more thoughts, feelings, memories, emotions, reactions and by that I am separated from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted morning tiredness as myself as equal as one and never considering that it is the mind how it is experiencing without enough energy therefore wanting to think and react and feel negative or positive about something and by that having energy to become energetic, dynamic and by that waking up as feeling good and not realizing that it is already a result of participating within past-definition of separation from what is directly here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the mind separated from me therefore not having directive principle as equal as one as myself and not realizing that the solution is to stand within unification as the mind as myself and stop the physical patterns, stop the reaction to physical patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've defined myself how I am present and directive based on energy of thoughts, judgments, reactions and never considering to disregard this energy and express myself simply here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with each thought I participate within - I am not aware of my breath and by that I am dropping presence - even for a microsecond but the consistency is broken and by that judgment, a separation has been marked what has it's consequence as not being aware what is here and reacting based on what is of mind what is based on not fact but opinion what might be real, might not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about good things in the morning in the bed when I wake up automatically for to have a feeling for waking up because if I wake up I will come closer to the thing I feel good about to do and by that having the energy of positive feeling already 'being there' within the feel so then that is like a law of attraction that I am being attracted to actually manifest that feeling because it is just like a 'preview' feeling but to fullfill it - it might be better 'feeling' - what is absolutely not sure - but the feeling I still accept and participate within and allow and not realizing that is simply self-delusion based on past-judgments coming alive according to my current location as defining myself as 'today', 'close' for the thing I define as good for my interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself what I have not done yesterday as thinking that I have to do it today and then thinking that today I have to make more effort for doing so than yesterday when the chance was here - and today I have to push it and judging myself as 'fool' and thinking this is 'not best practice' and by that having a feeling of 'oh shit I have to do it before it escalates more' and by that actually deciding the thing to do what I should have done yesterday and only doing it because of the fear of next day's more intense self-judments and reactions and feeling 'shitty' about it and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about small things that those are irrelevant and I can postpone those without much consequence and not realizing that those accumulate and from small things becaome big things and then doing those only by the judgment of the 'size' of things I have to do and always prioritizing like this based on the feelings I have based on judgments of how important these are to do or how much accumulated specific small things to do instead of doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware when I think about something and meanwhile not realizing that I feel inferior to face acting directly about or in relation to that
and by that inferiority - accepting the thing I've judged and the thought about it as greater, superior, bigger and by that feeling I have to think about it in order to 'prepare' or 'see through' or 'understand' and believing that within and through thinking about it I actually am practical instead of realizing that I am simply using definitions of the past to define it based on schemas what might be not the same way applyable as I felt before especially within realizing: the specific jugments are points wherein I did not trust myself directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as tiredness and not see directly that when I wake up is that a physical tiredness and the need to sleep more - or it is a mind-tiredness because of lacking energy because feeling low based on not participating within thought/feeling patterns what with I can feel high, energetic, positive, cheerful with what I defined myself to be able to 'overcome' tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the feeling of tiredness, dullness, dizzyness, sleepiness what I can experience in the mornings is the entire mind I've defined myself to be and moving through that without motivation or reason feels difficult - that difficulty is my suppressed anger transformed to depression about the things I have not done what I wanted and the reactions, judgments what I did not want forming a personality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within waking up process it requires a time because all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures, definitions, rules, relationship my mind is busy loading up and initializing in order to have this consciousness experience through I allowed myself to participate within world system as who I defined myself to be through the accumulation of judgments and definitions of who I am in relation to thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that each day I can commit myself to not wake up thinking and accumulate will, decision and seeing what is coming up and understanding it, writing about it, forgiving it, and specifying the practical stopping I can wake up in the morning as no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I do not sleep enough, I will be tired and my presence will be less direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define tiredness as participating more in thoughts, feelings, emotions and not realizing that when I am tired, I am giving into reactions in order to get energy and by that energy remaining apparently 'alive' and not realizing that in that I am not directly myself here but through reactions what is not really myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define energy of mind as myself, energy of thoughts as myself, energy of feelings as myself, energy of emotions as myself and never considering to stop that, investigate that, prevent that and be here and see when it comes and stopping myself and stopping into that, reacting to that, creating that by simply directly breath and act and trust myself within absolute presence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my human physical body is indicating where I am currently through breath, through how I am aware of the parts, the whole physical around and as myself.

When and as I wake up in the morning, I breath directly here, I am slow within, I am still, I am present, I am physical.

When and as I wake up any time I am breathing, slowly, I am calm, relaxed, I am not going into rushing, I am not going into running, I am not worrying.

When and as I see rush, run, worry, busyiness within waking up - I direct myself to slow down, I feel the breath, I experience the breath, I am breath.

When and as I wake up within realizing I am thinking - I let it go - I breathe, I experience my physical body, how it feels directly, how I am breathing, how I am present, what is here.

When and as I am here within waking up - I trust myself unconditionally to face the day without morning thinking, I direct myself to push and explore myself through the day without judgment, without thought, without reaction but direct expression breath by breath.

When and as I lose presence, direct, physical, breathing presence - I slow down, I focus to what is here, where is my location, Where is my breath? Here is my breath, Where am I? Here I am.

When and as worry that I have to face something what I did not face yesterday, before yesterday but should had - I realize - I trust myself within direct expression here - I am self-trust, I am self-presence, I am directly here and whatever comes up - I keep directing myself and when things get out of my presence - I slow down and I let everything go within and realize the only real is what is here - always.

When and as I fear from consequences of yesterday, before yesterday to face today in the morning, in the bed - I realize I can assist and support myself through writing to script myself up for constancy, stability and apply self-forgiveness for the points I fear from within realizing what is actually fear losing, with what I do not direct myself as equal as one and stop the participation within perceived separation and express self-trust breath by breath.

When and as I think about good or bad things in the morning when I wake up - I slow down and breathe and I realize/see/understand that all judgment is for feelings what are for bandaiding fear - so I stop the fear, I focus to body and presence and I trust myself here unconditionally.

When and as I feel uncomfortable waking up - I stop everyhing I participate within and let go - and breathe for a while until I am empty within the mind and see what is coming up and why is coming up and apply common sense within self-honesty unconditionally.

When and as I feel tired when I wake up in the morning I check how much I did sleep and I see within that is my body tired or I feel dizzy in the mind because of no energy - and when there is no energy - I move - directly move and I forgive myself for needing energy to direct me, move me and I move and breath.

When and as I worry that I will be tired afternoon when I did not sleep much - I breathe, I slow down and focus one breath at a time to what is here and going through the day moment by moment without accumulating worry in the beginning.

When and as I fear from getting sick when did not sleep enough - I realize I can use common sense and give my body full rest and when it does not rest within 5-6 hours I consider what is the burden what is blocking me to rest and investigate, write, forgive that unconditionally.

I commit myself to wake up in the morning as moment as me, breath as me.

I commit myself to disregard, stop, prevent thoughts in the morning when I wake up and be presence, constant here-ness.

I commit myself to accumulate self-direction within stopping the need for thoughts day by day and allow myself to trust myself within wake up as the moment as self as equal as one.

I commit myself to investigate and physically solve all issues what comes up within the mind as thoughts, as fear to remain empty, clear within.

I commit myself to clear my mind when I go to sleep and see what is coming up as worry, fear, feeling as positive or negative as emotion and deal with it so then I can sleep within inner peace with myself and allow myself to wake up in the morning as empty as possible.

I commit myself to investigate and deal with all thoughts coming up within as self-reflection internal feedback wherein within my life I am not standing within direct unification and what is the reason for trusting past, definitions, thoughts, energy to tell me what to do, how to feel and correcting myself by preventing to participate and allow thoughts within, one by one until I am here.

Breath support from EQAFE

today

I considered to explore all levels of memory about participation in all possible layers of it - drugs, sex, emotions fears etc -- all shit - to peel and cut the connections as self-direction as self-forgiveness as self-corrective momentary explorative? stabilization as inner silence -- to stand up from my location as my physical name as self as one as equal as all life within oneness and equality: self-responsibility to remove myself as manifested illusion/dishonesty to birth life from the physical here.

I had several years with many visual eyes and energy shit of intended abuse of psychotic drugs and strong delusions by uncontrollable suppressions as well -- recently flashed back for moments quite intensely;
so not yet transcended absolutely.

What is becoming obvious by pushing myself trough the spiderweb of my own(won) dishonesty is that: the process is to realize the stupidity of the participation within the process instead of stand up as life right here as this one breath.
Because if the processor I am, then if no memory load/save then what to process in the next breath? And then one can realize that the next breath is not real - only this one - so the common sense is not that the processor is needed for keeping up the illusion of the unreal?
So what if this breath is the last - and I am preparing for the next one - I am missing this one what is here - and then the starting point of my actual existence is being revealed - the 'what if-ness' as manifested self-doubt : this is what makes self not be here as breath.
Then the next command should be breath and stop processing
and breath and stop processing? and then breath when the stopping the process here is breathing the 'I', what makes the whole crap disappear and that's it, this is who I am, I am here.

Embrace darkness

interesting situation

at one point I realized hmm I am not free, so let me be - so I started to fly - basically in the dark - and I've hit my head into the wall - and I fell...
After a while I re-tried it and the idea was like the more energy I jump and fly, more likely I can break trough, but in fact I've just managed bigger jumps and I've hit my head on the next level's wall - and I fell bigger...Hmm - then I smelled that OK, let's walk to the wall, and I started to touch, fondle, even lick this wall - I mean still in the dark, so I walk in the dark and I touch walls - but in fact common sense comes forth:

Why I do not see here? I mean I see only one thing - the thing that I do not see..
What is this wall what I even do not see just limits me?
So if I see only darkness, then probably I separated myself from darkness, to not see - or to see it, in real it is no matters - but at the moment I do not see the darkness, only it's definition as darkness. And I do not see that what is in the darkness, and I am in the darkness, so I even do not see myself and then the idea to see comes up and it comes in loops and builds up a desire to see myself - and then I do not see my darkness, and wanting to see just separates me from myself more, because I start to find temporally lights to use it's bursts to have a seeing - absolute separation. So this separation from my walls, and from my darkness makes me kind of blind - and the same stuff with the space and time - these are also the points what I've managed to separate myself from and then I am not even aware of space and time at the moment, only a tiny slice of it and the rest is this 'darkness'.

And then having the ability to use the memory as separate entity within myself what has been defined within my experiences using this light-burst seeings by saving these images and then bringing forth it again and again - and interesting to see how thoughts create light in the darkness -- but always with a beginning and an end - and meanwhile I am compromised, I am here as this conditional participation within this mind-light-path - what simply will end at the 'end' of it's conditional existence.

For instance this is a rude example: to denying that I have desire to someone to fullfill me for instance a girl who I defined with my thoughts as 'good enough' to have the ability to go into symbiotism with and as to support each other as the idea of 'whole' together.
And then this was an attempt to find out from my desire to see in the darkness and then I remember for this and then as the dishonesty as me does not make a change - this comes into habit and I am becoming obsessed with the idea of 'wanting to be with her' - and by this I am doing a compromise - it began - and it will go until then I will face with her or her response for it such as 'lol' or I will give up because it will take away too much attention without experiencing this wholeness so the condition what make this began as a habit of using this particular memory to define me and my expression will expire and I will face with myself again as 'incomplete'.
Or when eventually we could come together - after a while when other complicated conditions make me aware that 'this is not really completeness' - then I would give up - or she would give up the idea to 'wanting to be together' and then again I am alone with myself as myself.

Basically self-definition as picture within this picture-oriented existence makes the starting point really strong that I am tending to see only the pictures - or the memory of the pictures.
Even when I did not see a specific girl since one and half year - I have the memory about she is gorgious, bella, the manifested definition of beauty - I can't describe her face or body - just some ideas - because it is not even personally related with her - only with and as my definitions what myself has definied and grabbed and made to became precious - and using it as a totem, a sanctuary, as an idol what is really strange but this is what I've became trough the accepted and allowed participation within self-definitions as thoughts as pictures.
Because I did not see in the darkness of me and I I saw that if I participate within a specific thought-picture - for a moment I am this picture one and equal - and this moment made me express as this is who I am what I experience - - and this became constant - to participate within picture to not see that I am a darkness what I am not aware of.

What is in darkness when I walk in darkness - strange - even when I am aware of there is nothing on the floor, the steps become a bit unsure - because at the moment I can not use the picture of the 'empty floor' to perceive me that this actual step 'will be' 'all right'.

So this self-doubt to step onto something within the darkness what I've managed to stabilize and polarizing it by using memory-based pictures to be able to apparently walk.
But this walk is not only touch those small paths what my thought-pictures make me believe that 'all right' - and this limits me to explore within the darkness of myself as myself.
And by this I do not want to explore the darkness of me - but I want to bring the light of the mind of thoughts/pictures to everywhere to become sure that I 'see' everything in light.

And the common sense is to dare myself to walk in the dark alone and explore - and if I step onto something what makes me fall to the ground - then I will be aware of it and I stand up and walk...And being sure that within that moment I do not create a self-definition picture/thought to avoid this 'stepping onto this obsticle. Because in the darkness I am of darkness, I am what is in and as this darkness - so this obscticle is me - and I fall by me and I stand up by and as me and any separation is just a conditional attempt to avoid this specific facing as awareness of myself.

Embrace darkness
Embrace solitude
Embrace myself as darkness as solitude
Embrace myself as darkness as solitude as breath
Embrace my experience as myself as breath as one as equal

And when I define that how I do not define - it is the same - it is not awareness but suppression and diverting - for instance when I define that how cool that I did not participate within sexual desire physically for a while - - this definition is the same - and I try to separate myself from this 'stopping participation within desire' - it is a separate entity from me and at the moment I define this as separated from me - I am not directing it as me as one as equal - and in fact I realize at the moment that this was just a sneaky self-deception to be able to define myself as 'cool' but in fact nothing really changed in physical application because then I just simply become aroused by participation within pictures because

I defined that I did not participate within this - to be able to define that 'I am transcending it' - and then kind of lying to myself that I am aware of if and I 'won' so then I am not even aware of it - and it just happens -- and I can not blame myself only from the perspective that 'shit, it happened, blame blame' but not like 'I was not aware of it' - but in fact this was happened: I was not aware of it - only defined that I was aware.

So when I define that I am aware of something - because I am simply not aware of but for this moment I can be delusional about myself by participation within this thought/picture that 'I am aware' or 'I have transcended'.