today

I considered to explore all levels of memory about participation in all possible layers of it - drugs, sex, emotions fears etc -- all shit - to peel and cut the connections as self-direction as self-forgiveness as self-corrective momentary explorative? stabilization as inner silence -- to stand up from my location as my physical name as self as one as equal as all life within oneness and equality: self-responsibility to remove myself as manifested illusion/dishonesty to birth life from the physical here.

I had several years with many visual eyes and energy shit of intended abuse of psychotic drugs and strong delusions by uncontrollable suppressions as well -- recently flashed back for moments quite intensely;
so not yet transcended absolutely.

What is becoming obvious by pushing myself trough the spiderweb of my own(won) dishonesty is that: the process is to realize the stupidity of the participation within the process instead of stand up as life right here as this one breath.
Because if the processor I am, then if no memory load/save then what to process in the next breath? And then one can realize that the next breath is not real - only this one - so the common sense is not that the processor is needed for keeping up the illusion of the unreal?
So what if this breath is the last - and I am preparing for the next one - I am missing this one what is here - and then the starting point of my actual existence is being revealed - the 'what if-ness' as manifested self-doubt : this is what makes self not be here as breath.
Then the next command should be breath and stop processing
and breath and stop processing? and then breath when the stopping the process here is breathing the 'I', what makes the whole crap disappear and that's it, this is who I am, I am here.