[JTL 197] Transcendence - the movie and beyond part 1

Recently I participated within the
Desteni I Process Live Hangout Movie review: Transcendence.

The hangout can be found here.
(The discussion's technical quality makes it quite challenging to walk, however the discussion is really on the topic!)

And some perspective about Transcendence by Bernard Poolman

Somehow for me, this word  relates to the Painting: Gauguin, Paul: Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going? - 1897

So, the movie called Transcendence: About reviews, critics - I've read a lot - just for curiosity - many seemed more like hypo-critics - read lot's of dislikes about the movie, many missed more action, which somehow requires for being counted as a 'blockbuster' - and even some reasoned with 'lack of explosions' - just because the director, Wally Pfister was the cinematographer for many M. Bay action movies, they straight expected similarity, from which this one then felt like failed to satisfy. Well, pity for them, I've really enjoyed it, watched twice, I could even imagine it to be a TV series, just to be able to slow down and open up many related points to explain, but this did not happen, it's alright.

This movie reminded me to the old ones, wherein there was no need for 6 packs of physical action in every dozen minutes with desensitized, beautifully composed ultra high definition of violence combined with virtuo-mega-explosion-porn - which this movie deliberaltely lacks to deliver.

It got reviews of being emotionless, numb, a bit sadness-tainted glassy feel throughout the whole movie, but for me somehow clicked immediately, having the scenario, putting myself into the shoes of Caster having all his possibilities and in a split second it's going away - sure there is this stereotype for aggressive killing machine tantrums for extra-tearless-fast-paced-slowmo punishment protagonists when facing certain end, but come on, the word Transcendence already suggests to step beyond our own immature depiction of entertainment and our reflection for what and who we are and where are we going...

In relation to how Dr Caster behaved in the movie with the pattern I had for instance finding out I had cancer - REALITY - it's like unbelievable, far fetched, it's not really feels real first, just like the horror and massive abuse is being shown on TV - so crisp, crystal-clear depiction, it's like a dream, streamed in 24 frames per second inducing a vivid dream state yet we refuse to realize that this is fucking real, many thousands of people just like us are being killed each day for greed, vengeance and hatred - this point of how physical reality, earth is really being is not yet comprehended, not even considered to actually see what it is how and who we exist as and what must be done to open up in order to really transcend our blindness, just to allow reality to be acknowledged, embraced how and what it is in fact who we accepted to became.

Sure movies has characters as humans do but somehow this whole impression in the movie was really what took me, but probably because I could relate with it, writing codes since childhood, learned some Artificial Intelligence at university and this is being combined with my investigation of what is really going on in existence from different angles - and all leads to one single point whether we acknowledge it or not.

I mean when you face the utter inevitability of certain death - you might consider to see yourself, the world in a different way.

For me it was similar with Caster - not that drastic, but I mean, for me 'cancer' is something what one considers in terms of 'life' - even mine was not 'serious', was handled alright, now it's gone, but still, well, from now on every minute is equally important, so I just have to remind myself to do my best, really best and thus no doubt can fit into me, I can nurture a constant self-direction.

And for that the word transcendence can assist and support to see what actually CAN and should be transcended and then comes the HOW.

I mean to acknowledge how we, as humanity as a whole currently are, the direction, the mean, the image and likeness of it, the character - it is not a nice picture, if one does not prepare to face all the abuse on earth can get crazy from it's immensity - because it is so uncool, only the really whole, stable and self-realized ones can remain really themselves in this deep hell without being influenced/lost/given up or even becoming mad yet act for all life and not lost in reactions...

It is so easy to turn our back to reality when all these sufferings influence us, we can feel sad, hopeless, lost - what experience then we identify that "what I feel is who I am, I do not feel good when I do feel bad, even if it is because how reality is, I just want to feel good anyway" - and then booooom, we look around to find something to feel good about - we are so brainwashed from our fear and tendency to dismiss, disregard reality - we re-define, twist and deceive ourselves by creating false ideas of freedom, equality: just to look at how equality now is considered to be associated with gay marriage and women's right to work or the right for to pray our own self-defined god while - and how freedom is defined as the freedom for secrecy, to buy and own things, weapons even if it means other's enslavement as freedom to exploit, abuse by the law etc...

Everything is deception in the value-system of this world somehow and to even consider to transcend is something what's definition and starting point also should be investigated within self-honesty.

I was walking in 'spiritual shoes' for quite some years and I've recognized a tendency to be distanced/desensitized from the actual sufferings of beings on earth and the inevitability of our death - in order to really let go the ego, the mind-tentacles, one indeed should let go the constant worry and false-compassion of feeling sorry for all the pain being caused in existence to be able to stand up as responsible, but it does not mean to become disregarding, to have excuses/justifications why one stops there or never even starts ACTING to accumulate what would be BEST FOR ALL.

But spiritual 'schools' already figured out a loophole from self-honest common sense point with actually make themselves believe that one first must reach enlightenment with non-attachment and meditation/attainment first and then will be able to help others, while all they do is imitating their own lack of non-attachment (btw, on meditation and non-attachment-related self-support to transcend, Sunette shared a great support once and I've made a video transcription for it, it's here) meanwhile the world system is really making earth to become a hellhole by destroying it's ability for healthy living and more and more are endlessly being abused with the totalitarian corporate enslavement to our own self-religion to energy, money, emotions/fears, hopes and neglect.

It's easy to just say 'suffering is not real', 'ego is not real', 'even our physical is not real', but how one could be more delusional than this?
Everything here in this physical is real - you will not find more real in existence than the physical here. It's not bad, it's our relationship with the physical within consciousness systems is what must be realized/understood/'transcended'. Starting with stopping the perception of separation but I walk this step by step from my point of view. First I've met this word in meditation.

So within spiritual agendas TRANSCENDENCE is a tricky one, because it should even start with the self-purification of the word itself.

Transcendence is a great word, in the system from various ways it's such a great word for providing a pricy product for the craving mind-slaves - it is a bit more direct, less ambiguous word than the word spirituality, which is like something what is not required into any sentence, like a filling, if we take out this word from a sentence, it still remains the same:

'I am walking on a spiritual path' - 'I am walking on a path'.

'I felt the spiritual connection when we kissed in the sunset' - 'I felt the connection when we kissed in the sunset'

'Let's go into Gandhi Spiritual Center' - 'Let's go into Gandhi Center'

See - it's like an energy package what seems to be different and at the same time the same for each human - yet it is like a 'filling', in fact just hiding other layers from self without realizing what it really means.

But for me transcendence seemed more like an action word, it points, moves, animates, let's see what the dictionary says about :

To transcend:

going beyond the limits of ordinary experience, comes from the Latin prefix trans-, meaning "beyond," and the word scandare, meaning "to climb." When you achieve transcendence, you have gone beyond ordinary limitations.

To ask what limitations we mean - it might also be 'personal' - for instance for me walk through self-limitation from inner beingness with want, will, discipline, diligence, honesty from deception, delusion, aimlessness, suppression, depression, dishonesty.

It suggests towards physical manifestation of being able to do better, more which comes from the inner realization of what I do not accept it anymore.

To clarify what can real transcendence start with we must be able to let go the delusions first to see what is reality here and working with facts makes us possible to really change - otherwise we approach reality with the split-misaligned perception and nothing is what it seems, nothing moves as we want, nothing will happen we desire for.

Thus I see priority by common sense to stop self-delusion first - and the Transcendence movie is specific within that because the 'protagonist' so to speak faces the fact that in physical he is lost, will decay, die but did not give up, he just explored what can be extended and expanded and in terms of inner space, inner awareness, an other platform to exist within and as: computer systems.

Many claim consciousness is life, the origin and destination, the alpha and omega of our existence while not realizing and dare to really investigate, explore, cross-reference and actually try to find the limits of consciousness.

What is consciousness and what is the physical?

What is then life? Is it determined by the organic material, the actual cells, the DNA, the information, the energy?

Obviously within this blog post there might be no answer, but more question, the ever-relevant question we are on is the one of: WHO AM I?

Especially when finding oneself within a system, which is already created, manifested, closed, very much automatized, limited, in fact programmed and as much accumulation and constant, consistent action was made to be formed like it is today - the same constant, consistent accumulation is required to see/realize/understand and then actually change it as ourselves as equal as one.

Many even say why change - ourselves, the world - it is PERFECT as it is, nothing to do, nothing to transcend except our strive and occupation for friction - and THEN we can be free of fear, the ego and thus be able to always move in harmony with everything - yet those who claim it do not really act so - do not really can actually DO anything particular - only demon-stating their choice with self-acceptance within self-limitation and not to question their freedom is like believing what is shown in movies/news that it is exactly the reality because believing what THEY experience without experiencing it is like a religion, not fact.

This self-development and the fascination with EXPERIENCE itself is also a good one to explore - what is experience? Many can say for having experience one does not require body, just a mind, a consciousness to move within and explore through - while in fact just being separated from the human physical body within perception and experience.

So then transcending the human life form, to see what is the most prominent, important point we have as issue, it is obvious if we start to explore this point from ourselves, what we, 'me' need first of all, always, constantly and see where to and whom to it is not given, provided but neglected, locked out from based on ridiculous conditions: no physical support, love, equality is existing, the patterns we imagine, desire, plan and manifest our life from are tainted with self-interest, self-delusion, self-suppression and self-defeat.

Food, water, health care, shelter, education is five most fundamental element of any human yet we are unable to provide that unconditionally and all we have is blame and excuse.

To really transcend who we really are today we must learn how to unlearn what we already have became.

Returning back to the movie once more with the 'reasoning' happened for why current human beingness is more and better by saying to exist within contradiction/friction while loving someone and hating at the same time, to have emotions, feelings while not seeing what really it is:

-Human emotion...It can contain illogical conflict.Can love someone......and yet hate the things that they've done. Machine can't reconcile that.

- Can you?
- Yes.

If we really look at it, what actually tells about us how we accept ourselves to exist and with what starting point while not realizing the manifested consequences we create in our reality: Human Consciousness is an energy-friction relationship-network conglomerate, a system, what always exists in polarities, with our thoughts/feelings/emotions hardwired into this system we are being influenced, directed, lived through these relationships separate from our physical beingness, separated from physical earth, separated from our inner self, each other, etc yet we do not recognize that we went too far and in fact are unable to stop this at any time we want, because we became it, became dependent on it, we are separated from each other, from what is here, from who we are through and as this mind consciousness system which always creates/requires energy, dependent on the substance and tries to imitate life.

Just as in the movie: Will Caster's(cool name) uploaded consciousness requires more processing power, more hardware, more energy from physical reality in order to exist, to expand, to influence, to conquer and while we are being mesmerized with this conflict in the movie among fear of change from the 'terrorists and government' and the Caster's predictable change towards technical solutions, virtualisation, connection, evolution etc, we miss the point of the word containing it's definition: con sciousness

Latin conscius: sharing knowledge, from com- with + scīre to know, as in the movie was referred to :

-"Can you prove that you are self-aware?"
-"Do you?"

And to actually see what is this self, and to be aware is also an interesting word:

aware: having or showing knowledge or understanding or realization or perception

[Old English gewær; related to Old Saxon, Old High German giwar Latin verērī to be fearful; see beware, wary]

So as we explore how this system is already pre-defined, pre-programmed, pre-ordained with words, relationships, systems and how we, individuals actually react and operate within action while what exact inner reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions are emerging we realize that most of our existence is already created as it is and we can say that it is ourselves who decided and created ourselves to be who we are today, but then the point of self-limitation comes into the picture that what are our limits, and what are the reasons to accept those limits?

What limits can be transcended, 'go beyond'? How our limits have been created/accepted/being maintained? What are perceptional and physical limits?

Is there any fear what stops us? Is there any desire what distracts us? Why is that?

That is why I refer to the painting what is at the top of this blog posts:

Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going?

Without knowing, understanding, seeing/realizing these points - we are not aware, we are not transcending, just evolving the same as who we were before.

Without figuring out a way from this inequality, this closed consequence-reflection system within our own mind and shared physical reality we remain the same. And to say who and how we are is human nature is like accepting our limitation without even be aware what exactly are our limitations and why they exist and how has been created. Nothing mystical or secret exists within this or hidden magic/sacred wisdom - everything is always here - in front of our eyes, as who we are, as what we do - if we do not see this - we do not know ourselves, we do not know what is here, we do not know anything!

But to walk through the mind, the relationships, the reactions, the personalities, the words - we can learn our creation and be responsible.

The definition of god is what we define it to be - if we accept it as a higher power, it is like accepting ourselves to be a slave, trying to pretend being irresponsible yet claiming free will - it is contradiction, con-tra-dic-tion - controlled-tradition, conned trained addiction, contained dicktation...

These are the points today I reflect from this movie, Transcendence and how to assist and support ourselves from practical, measurable, simple common sense way out from our lack of understanding, from our accepted self-limitation with the Desteni message, tools, study material and group of people.

Self-forgiveness is a self-reflection, a self-direction, self-expression to explore what we have allowed and accepted to became and to realize what must be stopped and changed, really, not only in the mind, but in and as physical reality.

Word by word we re-discover our already manifested creation in the mind and in reality and taking responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed and by being aware the facts, the specific details, we give ourselves a clean vision, a new chance, and forgive ourselves for 'falling' and commit to really change, transcend.

We can talk about happiness, love, freedom of individuals, groups and humanity as a whole but the equation is pretty simple:

Give as you would like to receive.

Love thy neighbor as thyself.

What I would like to have as a human being for living, what I already have, what we tend to be taken granted while if I look at the human system many lack of and they actually suffer and die yet we seclude ourselves into the idea of lack of transcendence with reason, with clarity within friction with confusion until we all get old, sick and die while pretending to love some. It's just weird.

Everybody dies. What is the reason to live? The future, the children to come, the destiny of mankind?

Isn't that love to consider what we leave behind when we die? What to love in this? What IS love then? Is there love? Isn't our love is conditional, pre-defined, limited?

What would mean unconditional love and what it is the price we give away for our adherence to deny our ability, responsibility to transcend our limitations?

To accept people die in hunger, to not having access for water - it is our lack of transcendence - within the delusion of religion of "self-interest", while even the word shows - "self: in the rest" - I am in the rest as well, as equal, as one.

Thus real transcendence in this current scenario we are existing within is not the body to let go, not the nanotechnology to become, not to upload into computer consciousness to be faster, omnipresent, more smart but to understand that we are what we accept and allow as it is consent, it is responsibility, it is self.

Seeing human our-selves to be mesmerized, controlled, divide, separated with energy, fear, money, value systems it is inequality, it is separation from others, in fact self.

We must equalize the money point, the unequal distribution of power on earth in order to transcend our own limitation for be able to live unconditional practical love.

To equalize the money point, to manifest human right REALLY for all from birth unconditionally, equally - to have enough for living by default is already entailing much of the doable, measurable, obvious transcendence which is not in the meditation, spiritual consciousness traveling we can find, but within the simple, basic needs of a human being to give as would like to receive: food, shelter, water, health care, education.

That is my points to give into the word of Transcendence - and pronounce again - I've walked many paths within spiritual/psychedelic/shamanic/tantric 'ways' to dissolve into non-duality and try to overcome my limitations and acceptances and allowances but it is clear that Self-honesty is the eye of the needle to find out what is real transcendence - and to recognize what must be done in terms of stopping participating within consciousness systems, the mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions of polarities to let go and really change, completely, consistently within full understanding of self and consequence.

Thus for transcending one does not require anything but self to be really able to acknowledge/explore/stop and change which for Self-forgiveness is the most practical way to accumulate practical awareness of why and how to actually do that, step by step, one breath at a time.

Because with Self-forgiveness one takes responsibility as a creator/created/creation and becomes aware of self-acceptance and when facing what is being forgiven it comes 'here' - and self starts to see the details, the reasons, the starting points - which is required to self learn to directly change.

I could write much-much more about the movie, the symbolism, the characters, the ideas, the depiction of the movie, but for now this is enough, check out the hangout about it wherein with Mike and Joana (check out their video channel as well with the link in their names) we discuss similar points, 'Taking Transcendence to the next level, with destonian perspective'.

For embracing the word Transcendence I've found the most profound, supporting and surprisingly new perspective within learning about creation, existence, the mind, self-support, business, sex, animals, death and many-many more at http://eqafe.com, which I listen regularly, almost every day, because as I see it is a very strong pillar for the future of education.

Also to start practically work on self-limitations and expanding practical awareness, I suggest Desteni I Process online courses, the starter is the DIP LITE, no money is required, yet a seasoned buddy is supporting the one who starts to explore oneself within regular writing and self-investigation, self-change.

What I will continue with is Self-forgiveness and Self-correction, Self-commitment about the word Transcendence.

[JTL 173] Who I am in regards to Validation?

Who I am in relation to validation?

• Activist's Journey to Life - Day 528: The Value of Validation

This post opened up some points within self-investigation in terms of what I accept and allow as external influence on who I am in relation to validation.

Also this is on the topic:

• A teacher's journey to life - Why No One Can Validate Your Value But You: DAY 288

Problem: Doing or saying things for other's appretiation, respect, support, reckognition, acknowledge or praise which I do require because of the already self-accepted relationship with myself which is dependent on being validated otherwise it is questioned, conflicted, doubted.

Let's see through this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do require validation by others, by events, experiences to who I am, how I am and how I behave and how I react, what I do think and what I do and thus exposing the fact that there is an already accepted relationship with and as self as not valid what feels like requires to balance out, overcome, literally validate myself out from the fact that who I accept myself to be I perceive as invalid without questioning who I am and what I do and in fact why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require external validation by my mother, parents, grandparents, adults, older children, who I perceive as professional, my boss, whoever I project out a hope to for possible external validation point when I am uncertain, unsure, doubtful about something specific or not being specific at all.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize to slow down within to the extent to see what I do participate within in terms of thoughts, feelings, reactions regarding to validation, external acknowledgement, appreciation to ensure that what I do is valid, cool, alright, good, whatever which is not bad and not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is an initial fear of failure, a perception to loss of fear what I defined as who I am by memories, thoughts, reactions, feelings, emotions without realizing that if I go into self-definition mode as the duality of my mind of comparison, judgements, positive and negative - there is no equilibrium and harmony, unity and clarity but friction of polarities, energetic movements which then create an experience completely internal, in fact unrelated to facts, reality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that inner reaction to judge my expression, fear of not being valid, a need, strive for being validated by forces external of myself is the result of participation within fear manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions to experience instead of directly be HERE, in and as reality within physical unification as self as presence as breathing as expression as life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity to let go the fear, the requirement of external validation within what I do and build up personalities, characters, habits, behavioral patterns to ensure that I can automatically validate myself by projecting out these internal reaction validations with how others respond, react, express themselves according to me, who I perceive myself to be and not realizing that I am the creator here and thus I am responsible for the self-accepted limitation to seek external validation and by that simply exposing that who I perceive myself to be - and by that acting out as - who I am is not valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from judging myself not being valid, what I do, react, feel, remember, think and experience is not being valid, thus fearing from the consequence of not being valid, fearing from the recognition of thus who I act upon and as is not real, only based on a self-created internal lack, a fear of not being real, fear from consequences being here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing from consequence, from facing the fact of that I am responsible here - what I do judging myself based on the starting point of wanting to avoid the fear, avoiding the self-judgement of not being valid, as the experience of being invalidated - I am not here, I am not able to simply be and embrace what is here and express myself with the fullest potential within self-trust because the fear of not being valid, the strive, the formed addiction for external validation to I've gave permission to move automatically me, to direct me, to apparently automatically validate me to ensure who I experience myself and act upon that is valid, real, me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by acting the starting point of wanting to be validated - externally or internally - there is already an experience, a judgement, a reaction, an energy within as not being valid so the solution is within that already self-accepted relationship, by investigating, seeing, realizing and being able to understand and forgive and stop within practical application of that's original fear, which is fear of loss, fear of fear, fear of self.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within what I do and within trusting myself realizing that who I am is what I do and based on why I do I am always responsible for the manifested consequences I create and face.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the exact, specific validation points I automatically seek within society, among family, friends, workplace, online networks which points can be reflected back to specific already self-accepted, automated relationships within myself what can be worded and written down and sorted out within Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness and Self-direction, Self-correction to stand up to the fear and stop participating and accumulating Self-trust, Self-will, Self-direction and by knowing myself, not requiring to fear to what I do is invalid because by living who I am is here is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear from being judged and invalidated who I perceive myself to be in regards to the writing/videos/music I make by fear of failure, fear of not being good enough and without people's response not being sure that what I do and express and share is who I am as Self-expression thus revealing to myself that what I do is in fact not self-expression.

A life review on Losing Self Value Through Validation from EQAFE

I forgive myself that I have any way whatsoever considered to worry about not being valid what I express as videos/music/writing instead of when I do express myself by these mediums - I ensure I am here, I am clear, I am expressing myself within self-direction as the manifestation of self-trust as a practical prevention and correction to the fear and validation and within that all what I see within myself already existing relationship as requiring external validation - is the point what I must investigate, stop, correct in physical, real time and re-align myself to be here, within empty, directive, breathing, simple.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the value of validation within myself I create by definitions of the mind and being dependent, being limited and enslaved by myself instead of developing unconditional self-intimacy, self-trust, self-knowing, self-direction, self-expression.

When and as I see, notice, feel the need for validation, the inner movement for not being sure, trusting myself, expressing clarity and requiring validation from definitions/reactions - from myself or from others - I slow down within, I let it go and I do see what is the worry/fear what makes me feel in the first place of questioning myself, not being valid - thus wanting to have this value of validation to cover who I am within this moment and for that I apply Self-forgiveness, Self-correction, re-alignment and become aware what I must do to sort out the already accepted relationship within myself and stand within unification.

How I accepted my personality to operate

How I accepted my personality to operate.

I put myself to intense moments/situations and I 'take my time' within the experience and in these moments I have the tendency to be passive and judgmental.
Even sometimes I literally lay down and just allowing the experience to overflow me, to wash me through and within these moments I try to figure out who I am - or what to do. In general I accept myself not being self-directive within absolute specificity - but within these moments "I climb up to" Self-direction, it's like wanting to work only in the 5% of my time but then extremely hard.
It's like how I did pilgirmage in Spain years back then. I could not walk really with my partner who walked slowly in constant velocity all day - that was very tiring and in fact boring for me - so I did intense rushes for short time and then laying down and just enjoying to rest after the quick but hard work - until my partner reached me - and as she walked to me I immediately stood up and wanted to go further - and many times she wanted to rest with me and I was already rested and ready for the next sprint and we could not progress really together.
So I've defined myself according to perceived intensity - mostly this indicates intense inner-chain-reaction but many times it is also physically intense and in fact exhausting activities.

I've defined these intense moments as myself and by that defining myself as 'intense person' - because without this 'perceived' intensity - I am not 'touched' by the reality outside of me really.
By extensive self-accepted definition connection re-experiencing - I participate within suppressed energetic compound of continuous inner reactions as thoughts, feelings, emotions - and in fact separated my beingness from reality.

It's like I've developed a shield around me and I know myself and the world by and through this shield - and I am unable to directly experience what is real as in fact I've accepted myself to be like this mostly - but sometimes - when I perceive my experienced reality as 'too intense' - I want to re-catch reality not as usually through my self-definition personality-mind-shield, but with great ease because by myself I can't and that's why momentarily I suffer. So I've developed specific methods to break through my delusions, what are consisting of self-definition systems built up and physically manifested by continuous accepting of self-judgments.

So as a suppressed being as personality - I want to break through personality - but many times still not - mostly it is comfortable for me, for my interest it is coming handy - for not taking Self-responsibility for myself in every single moment.
In overall it's like I want to develop the perfect 'automatic' self-personality program - to help me for taking care for me in the moments/experiences/circumstances what I've defined as 'too intense/boring/painful/risky/etc'.

Within these moments I shift personality dimension - from what is physically here to my self-definition systems - what I've carved within myself inside in the past - and I am walking through these associations and connections within me and "re-lighting up" all the layers of definition systems of the past - what cause energetic frictions within me because in fact I am re-living these judgments, what are simply: Self-dishonesty - because these are the points within me being accepted as 'fall' and to overbalance these falls - I judge as I energetically react(participate within thoughts, feelings, emotions) in a way for being able to perceive myself as 'stable'/'normal' - but in fact I am reacting towards my already Self-accepted automatic energetic reactions.

In overall here I sense a some sort of suppressed want for Self-destruction, to destroy my inner 'reality' to 'clear out' inside in order to be able to accept reality as it is.

As I've build a some sort of image and likeness of me; what is of Self-judgments what are coming from the past when at specific moments I've trusted the information and the 'very act of defining my reality with information' instead of realizing that I am who decide in what to trust and in that moment I've chosen to trust within information instead of myself here.

So until I do not realize the Self-deception within this kind of act specifically at 'my points' - I have the tendency to 'automatically' react with self-judgment again and again and again.

However by walking through my reality - I experience frictions as all the time I have to face the fact that my inner representation of reality is not real but based on dishonesties - and when I want things to happen in a certain way - and do not happen, more likely I screw something up - I realize that in order to change I must let go of my inner representation of my reality: my self-definitions from the past.

That's the idea of the whole Desteni I Process wherein I inverse myself and walk backwards within the mind while physically remaining here to face my own Self-accepted perception of reality and within common sense I check the points, convictions, opinions, decisions, perceptions, beliefs etc coming up and by not reacting automatically but seeing it as it is, writing down, doing mind constructs for instance I can understand how and why I've defined myself according to these definition points.

Okay, let's see an example for this.

Currently, as I walk with my partner, we are exploring what means to be an Agreement. In the beginning I had the idea of this is actually a very cool 'way of life' - direct, simple, effective and Self-supporting so I wanted to try this out and my partner agreed.

So in the beginning I've started with ideas and definitions within my head about Agreement what I wanted to manifest physically, meaning to be with my partner within literal agreement within points in a way what supports all participants(me, her and her kid) and in fact all existence.

But as I started with my already Self-accepted Self-definitions about who and how I must behave by myself and also she had already Self-accepted knowledge and information about who she is, how she must behave - we started as we were 'already wired' within ourselves about points regarding to how we behave with ourselves and other.

I've had several relationships with women in my past from where I brought some 'conclusions' what I accepted as 'universal truth' regardless of for instance a decade passed and I went through a lot and I've changed - this definition within I intentionally did not 'rewrite'/'release' within me - so by default I resonate what I decided (to become) before.

For instance a Self-definition can be as 'I do not really trust in my partner' or 'I do not trust really in women'.

For such a bold statement there must be a story to understand how one could come to this conclusion.
The situation is follows: I've decided to walk, live with a woman who with we agree in points what we live - but under the hood if I still accept my conclusion from past as 'I do not really trust in women' - then the two statements within me do not fit together in harmony - because at occasions I trust within my past-based conclusion about not to trust really in women and in the next moment I want to trust the agreement with my partner what cause friction, what arise energetic movement within me as thoughts, feelings, emotions. Especially myself I've created myself in a way that I have the tendency to suppress emotions in a millisecond and for long decades I've 'wired myself into' this automatic behavior: Self-definitions oppose within me what cause friction and thoughts, emotions arise what I suppress so I do not even realize that in fact I am actually responsible for generating emotions what I do push down within me as I've had the conclusion at my early life that "emotions are just fuckup and cloud my judgments" and "only the weaks wave around by emotions" - so I do not deal with emotions - but I still generate what I suppress what at occasions is just too much and I exert it regardless of situations what I obviously not really like yet I am still able to do so.

Also if I reflect the previous 'trust' statement back('I do not trust in my partner') - the common sense within it is 'Why do I not trust myself?'

Because if I would trust in myself - I would not need to carve any rules within me about who to trust or who not to trust - but simply I trust myself and I trust in my decisions and acts directly in each moment regardless of iron-rules coming from the past(in my head) in which I can see that I was not Self-honest when I made this decision to trust in knowledge and information instead of myself here.

Then I dig out the story from which that conclusion arised and I investigate - I have the suspection of I slipped from reality at a point - because of fear.

I understand that I had a fear from trusting in my partner because of the fear of what if I trust in her and then she will abuse this trust? Why I do think that she would disregard my trust? What I can lose? Why do I want to trust in something or someone separated from me?

Okay, walking through this as Self-forgiveness and Self-corrective statements come soon...

Self forgiveness: pretend, obsess

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend strength.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am not thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be who I am not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that everything is all right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am stable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am wise.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I pretend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from stopping pretending.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I pretend - I am not here as absolute self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to expose all pretends because of self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to behave as pretending in a some sort of self-justification and self-defensive mode in order to not take self responsibility about what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I pretend something then others may believe within that and then perceiving their reactions - I could be ensured that this pretending works, so I could believe it as well - instead of trusting me here who I am and express naturally as breath as inner silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to pretend that nothing happened when I experiencing abuse.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up and take responsibility and act immediately when abuse happens around me or within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I do not have to stand up and act regarding to abuse because of it is not my own shit; because of believing within the self-containment-mind-bubble and by this passive-spitefulness - giving the right to myself as well to continue abuse - accepting and allowing as one as equal -- instead of standing up and acing and expressing the starting point of who I am as all as one as equal.
-
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with a woman called Gyongy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with psychedelic trance and drum and bass when I dance and experiencing of the energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the energetic experience of masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with physical objects by defining those separate from me and putting worth and value into them and also defining them related to their price.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with phylosophy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with computer games.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with computers.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be as inner silence as breath when I am using computer.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally and expressing inner silence as self presence as expression as the physical.

Raware

Am I directing myself here or am I allowing myself to be influenced?
Who I am is the question in every moment - am I this acceptance and allowance what I stand up for and as and stop the self-dishonesty once and for all.
I've decided to make 21 day stopping stuffs - two of these I've chosed specifically, regarding to my current situation: coffee and masturbation.
So After two weeks I've been busy with masturbation and in fact
I did not wanted to suppress the sexual expression - but I simply wanted to reveal more that how and why I build up sexual-related energy? Because it is obvious that when I allow myself to desire, by tending to participate within looks, physical movements(looking back to a nice one for instance - a'la 'woman in the red dress' syndrome) or even thoughts(tiny, fast 'random access memory'-like picture-pop-ups within my head) - that is building up this compounded energetic entity within and as myself and it is well conditioned and totally predictable - and mostly ends in a need, urge to release.
And this release mostly was with my partner, but then when I got back face to face with relationship - I defined it as avoidable.
Also I did not wanted to fuck up girls mind about with several sexual occasions and when they start to experience the self-deception called 'love' - and I say 'no more' - they remain fucked -- so this is absolutely unacceptable.
Besides I realized that I never met any girl within my life who I had these 'requirements' related to how and why I want to live with somebody - I mean they are so different, and even now they are 'planning to' 'have love', or some occupations what I do not want to participate such as 'build a family with love and property' -- so after some emotional scars - the facing of my responsibility held back to engage into any relationship stuffs - also I defined that first: I sort out myself and then will see what next -- and people are almost laughing at me because they say - 'first relationship, then self realization' and I mean wtf...
But the sexual participation shows my typical attitude within consciousness: total avoidance of something(woman, alcohol, drugs, meat etc) or simply doing it with the most possible intensity until I decide to stop.
----
So when I direct myself to move - and I do not change when I am alone -- I mean: "I do not change when I am not alone" - I even not consider to participate within the energetic experience of masturbation.
But when I am all alone, and I tend to be get tired, yet I judged myself about 'I want more experience, not even about sex, but not want to sleep' and 'I already gave myself into the experience of tiredness' - I strive for escape from this energetic condition.
Before it - was the drugs - I mean just roll a joint or inhale some intense smokes and I was full of energy and I was able to make myself busy for more of couple hours...
But it had price and here I put these things down, so totally sober I am facing with myself.
Interesting observation that everything is connected to tiredness, fear and regret.
How? At the end of the whole shitstorm - I experience tiredness.
This tiredness is of the 'giving my power away' - literally feeding off the mind consciousness system by life as human physical body. Each thought has it's own signature what is of energy of polarity. This habit, as addiction manifests as my head is full of shit - full of thoughts - and each thought makes me literally weaker. At one point I even have the changing of perception by experiencing the existence on a somekind of 'less intense level', because everything is energy based - so fucked up. Then as I defined myself to be - as this 'high vibrating energy system' - is in trouble, so I strive for immediate cure for this lack of energy.
The coffee, drugs, sex has it's own energetic experience within my existence - so these I relate with. And then as I regularly tend to use these - I define myself as these things - as one as equal - and I am of it, as it.

Ok this stuffs I realized long ago but actually I write it down, so it lasts.


And let's see - here is a release - for instance having sex - with myself or with a girl, from this point - the totally same: I have a release - the compounded energy dissipates.
Some energy goes to the mind system directly - and I am less energetic.
Some energy just goes away - before probably went into the big one mind system as existence with the reptilian shit(see desteni, heaven etc) - but at this moment it forms my reality one and equal.

And there is no excuse about why I do this, or why I do not stand up.
For a certain point - I can say - I am exploring, I am experimenting - - but when once I came to a conclusion about something is necessary to be stopped -- then I have to stop - because if I am not stopping - I am not honest with myself, so I am not real from the point of who I perceive myself to be and who I really am is not one and equal so one of this is not real - and therefore my starting point is the one what is not real, so everything what I do comes from this illusion and therefore who I am is not real as well.

But when I actually dare myself to stop a habit - what is for instance an addiction or a simple self-fucking as self-dishonesty -- and I do not stop practically, totally - then I am just playing about the idea of stop - because of something what still keeps me 'back' from stepping forth so to speak - walking trough the past.

And the last point about this to consider that how I direct myself - how I handle myself within situations such as this STOP.
The already existing personality design can easily suggest to FORCE something to stop.
This is kind of fighting - I fight against something and I go into battles - I win and then I loose and I win and loose and it practically does not stop.
So somehow the embracing of stopping without fighting - this is what I am actually exploring - and makes me fall I can say - but these are not falls - only moments when I realize that this change was not real as it did not stood the 'claws of time' - so I dig deeper, I open myself up more and I specify the self-directiveness and embracing by and as awareness the whole situation of myself where and as I am at the moment - here.

How much I can bullshit instead of writing directly without any 'random' or intellectual addenums?

It is necessary to stop defining myself as pictures.
Because yesterday I realized when I was on a some form of beach - I am abusing myself when I define beings according to their physical shape.
I am abusing the equality within myself by determining myself according to picture presentation of beings.
Self interest I find this what makes me bend over and with pictures what I perceive trough my human physical eyes.
Yes, I can see trough my eyes - but the keyword is 'when I want' - and simply when I want - I still want to see trough, because of self-interest and therefore as it is already has the condition and starting point of self-interest - it is not absolute, it is not real so better to release the whole construct and breathing as presence and express and express.
Better the word as what is supporting all as one as equal as me.

The practical solution has to be written, stabilized, well directed - and by this one 'swing' I direct myself and I realize how things work - everything of me as me as one as equal within oneness and equality.

I have to stop stimulate myself with these energy flows within my body - these are the intense manifestations of the thought systems what are moving inside of me - and literally limiting my experience - also determining, containing, controlling, it's like I am within this con-sole.

Also interesting when I released this energetic compound, such as desire for sex - it looks the most intense -- I can literally experience the energy movements within myself - and it is always comes after some thought constract I allow to pop up - even those what are look slight - and this energy flows around the solar plexus, the backbone - it is related to fear.
If I fear to exist without energy thought systems - then the question comes about how it formed and how I participate and why - and how to stop it.
How to realize who I am and how to stop myself as thoughts?
It is a connection graph and I move by these connections within my head - even it is not physically my head but then within my trunk these energies emerge.
STOP REMOTECONTROLLING MYSELF BY CONS.

write and express no need con
conless contala conend

Ok, I write down Mykey support about masturbation:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be addicted to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define enjoyment as masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to became addicted to the energetic experience of masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become consumed my masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that when the desire to masturbate steps forth: I cant help myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed of myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to condemn myself for masturbating.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience guilt when I masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be a slave to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give masturbation power and control over me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the experience of masturbation trough the energetic experience thereof.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use pictures in my mind to masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from the energetic experience I have when masturbating instead of masturbation being an expression of me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to define woman as sex symbols.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I can only masturbate and experience me with woman in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define masturbation as the experience of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be enslaved by sex, woman and masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and do.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe: There's no way out.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear other's judgement of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that others will think that this is who I am because of my masturbation and sexual obsessions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that others will judge me - instead of realizing that the fear of others judgement is actually the self judgement I have bestowed upon myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find it difficult to forgive myself for what I have done in the past and allowed in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am inferior and less than others because of my past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to abuse myself.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to understand myself - instead of understanding my situation - I judged my situation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame woman for what has become of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry with woman because what has become of me - and that they're showing no interest in me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become so obsessed with woman - and because I masturbate of them - I am not able to face them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed in the presence of woman.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that because I masturbate of woman in my mind - and because I have become obsessed with them trough masturbation - I have forgotten how to have a proper converstation with them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge woman.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that because I masturbate of woman in my mind - I no longer see them as a human being - but as a picture I can use to masturbate with in my mind - and therefore - I am not able to have a proper converstation with them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see woman only as pictures with which to masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from woman.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare with other men.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to set myself free from the masturbation of the past.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I am able to forgive myself and release myself from the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed masturbation to become a burden over me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place more value and worth in woman than realizing my own worth and value as who I am.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have the strength and discipline to stop.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize my own strength and self discipline.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame the world and my parents for what has become of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am a monster.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed of looking people in the eye and facing them - because of my past and what I do in secret.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress and hide me from myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be afraid of looking people in the eyes trough fear that they might see right trough me and know what I have accepted and allowed myself fo became.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the guilt, shame, anger, conflict and frustration of what I have allowed and accepted to become and then 'lash it out' on others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I must hide and suppress what I experience within me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be honest with me.
--

So it looks like that within my relationships - as I moved with girls without 'mindwork' - there was a point where my self honest application could 'slip away' -- mostly with sex - that was quite fluid - but when for a moment I stopped as self-expression - I simply lost my interest - I simply lost my arousedness, I lost my intent because I felt that this is just like 'ordinary' - and instead of realizing the situation and the responsibility - to open myself and her up and direct the situation and express and experience both of us as one as equal - I missed a transcendence point and I lost my motivation to do it regularly.

So when I had the relationship - in the begining I was totally interested in having sex multiple times at a day - but as the months passed - it became less and less - as it was not a self-expression -- it was conditional and the conditions changed and I changed with the conditions - or I can say - the conditions determined me.
And then I felt a bit regret, and I wanted to reinforce this desire, so I used pictures, I imagined about my girlfriend and I built up sexual energy shit - just as I did when I was child...

But from childhood as I wanted to be a man who can give a big joy for woman - I was this as well - when I wanted - I could give much pleasure for girl - but the starting point was not one and equal - more likely it was a kind of twisted manipulation...
So as years passed - I also learnt to just go with the experience and totally forgeting about my desire and just enjoying and pleasuring and it was fascinating.
With my girlfriend I was able to develop to not even care about orgasm - I was just having sex and she enjoyed and enjoyed and enjoyed again and I was so stable - and self expression I was able to do this...
But then as I stopped participate within relationship - with phyiscal girlfriend - this ability just slipped as I reformed myself according to suppression and masturbation.

And within the last months when I had sex three times with a girl about within a month - much of this revealed - as how and why I give into the 'release' by allowing myself to urge me -- or by allowing the girl to urge me because she could not bear the frustration of ' 1 - not having an orgasm - 2 - I am slowly exploring how to stabilize myself within sexual expression without having an orgasm'...
But it was obvious that this I can reexplore and restabilize - with a partner who can be aware of all of this and can support her as me as one as equal.
But to seek after a girl who is like this - I am not sure...
At this moment I found this girl who I like - who I wrote about within my last post - but she is going away after a month and that's it.
The temptation is intense and even for moments I loose myself but as I realize how and why it happened - it worthy - because me revealing for me.

Once there was an idea to 'get a young girl' who I direct as me as one as equal - but somehow I did not liked this idea to direct a 'younger being' because I judged it before I experienced - - but it also does not mean that I should do this...

Also when I 'kind of engage' into a contact with a woman - it is easy to not masturbate and things like that - but when I am alone for a long while -- it is like being within the darkness without the existence -- kind of mind-bubble and the self-reflection about who I am manifests by myself and then comes the point when I STOP because it is obvious that I am dishonest and the whole story is of illusion.
Ok, that's it, well well.

Much much has to stop as me

Today much to write.
I've been exploring for a while with some things, and I've got to the point where I simply express here as writing as me as one as equal.
What is specifically being pushed is to write one and equal - not avoiding or cosmetically changing what I am experiencing inside of me at the moment. I start from kind of the surface and moving towards the core of my being. I direct myself to this, because I already have the tendency to just write in the begining about 'around the bush' and then I just simply start to move myself and opening and exploring and expressing here.

So - first of all - movement - I've decided to physically move myself to see how this works -- I've realized that in the last ten years, I've became physically weak and my poses what I use are well influenced by unstable and unpleasant mindsets - so it is time to purify this - because this body who I am as life - I stop abuse. I can easily expand and develop stamina - if I want - so the theory was like when I do some physical exercise, my presence is more obvious - or obviously missing.
When I was in school, I was good runner, I was weak for do the strong stuffs, but I was always fast and enduring. Also not so far I started to remember that I've used the 4 count breath when I was in high school to help to stabilize my breath.
So here is an island not so far from here, there the runners go to run in circles -around the island - and one round is 5,4 km. I've decided to run there because then I can not cheat, I can measure that I run or not that stuff. Today I ran third time,
I bough cool running shoes and first time I could run only the half of it - and I did not take water with me - I was really thirsty - so I had to stop 3 times to finish that circle. I was quite exhausted but it was very cool that I did the distance - I had not much expectations because of the many smokes and the lack of movement - so after 2 days I had this huge fatigue-fever, but within that whole session was a moment when I had an experience when I was just accepting what is here and after I had this overwhelming stuff, what was simply inner reaction...
After that it became obvious that this was quite a big straight header - I use an exercise book of Navy seals training because that is quite enough and deeply profound about the topic. But this movement started to gave me a straightness, what is already within me and not even need to exercise for it, but actually this is how it reveals for me, sO I accept it as me.
Next week I ran again, and I was like ok, let's run, and I did the half circle quite fast - without saving my power to be enough for longer distance - so after the half I just went to home - I did not want to exhaust myself again -- even as I took a half liter water, it was not so much...

So after that, today I went out early morning(daytime it is very busy) and I ran again - and this time I had no expectations, I just pushed myself - and one stuff what I realized - again - as I used this before in running but I forgot - the breath.

I pushed myself to breath deeply, equally, constantly, and being sure that I do not speed it up. Because this is what happens also when I participate within the mind - the breath becomes futile and I start to fear from getting tired and then everything falls apart about the stamina, the will, the power etc.

So basically to push myself to breath constantly - not flying away from here.
This is what made me good runner when I was a teen - and this is what I am capable of - to release all stuff inside and push myself to breath right here.
And something occures inside - then let's express it by applying self forgiveness or act & speak and let's see is this who I really am?
I stopped only for a minute to drink some water and then I could run all over a circle - at the end the temptation came up to simply rest - to drink or stuffs - but in fact I breathed and moved and was not so difficult. Fascinating.
And one more thing - after that I had less tendency to think - but some occured -- yet it was like this obvious fact that I push myself as breathing and I remain here.
I direct myself to be able to run 2 circles without the dying of thirst after water and loosing my self presence with the breath.
Even I could say self forgiveness while I was running to stop some thoughts - but those were not 'reached' the core of the dishonesty - but were cool to cut the possibility to continoe the thinking. By running is quite easy to remain here- I experience the body, the road, the trees, the river, the island itself - without defining or interpreting inside.
----
I've been pushing myself on the desire side as well - first I was experimenting with my desires - I was like for a month I avoided everything sexual - in fact in the mind I allowed some picture presentation - even I saw some movies like that, but I dared myself to not arouse myself physically. After all I've decided to face with woman - obviously nothing to hesitate with this - and had many conversations with a girl who I know, on msn we spoke and I've explained her oneness and equality and mindfucks and desires and the flaws within relationship all these stuffs, and she was curious but in fact I was sure that she has her own mindfucks about her boyfriend who she started to manage to stop being with - so I was like anything happens I take self responsibility - and I even told her that my fear is that when I am with a girl and then the girl falls into love with me and I do not.
In fact I also came into realization that maybe this is my own projection as an excuse to face with somebody very closely - because of fearing from facing with a 'mirror'.
So we did some sexercise, it was cool, I was quite freaky with the mind-information exchange, and she just laughed at me, and in fact something like this maybe could happen, because I've noticed some of my expressions on her, but in fact this is meaningless to follow. Quite some points has beeen revealed within me - the first one is that my arousedness is very related with my suppressed emotions - and it is not actual self-movement - but it is an indirect move - a necessary must what drives me and I enjoy the ride - because of the subject of the ride(having sex with a nice girl - kind mindfuck) and because of the releasing of the compounded emotional energetic suppressions - what are very related to the girl who I am with to have sex.
So this was fascinating, because there were moments when I just simply lost my focus and my interest to do this, but even sometimes I still tried and laughed. Also she had this lack of 'deep love' what in general turned her on. So it was interesting realization.
After all I became quite excited and I took over the direction and then we got really aroused so finally we had the real sex, even at the first minute I've realised that 'I'm in' maybe the condom would be very practical, but my previous attachments to that thing came up(I did not used it since university - 9 years, because I've defined it separation and unpleasant) - so it was interesting.
Also we slept together and I had to realise how much value I keep up with a definition like 'sleep with a naked girl'.
So we met once again, and that one was more natural one and it looks like I have nothing wrong, and to do physical sex with a girl is not bad in itself - it is the question of who I am within and as the situation. Because obviously the strategy to simply avoid women while I still allow myself to desire - makes me suppress and to want to masturbate with images. So why not do with an other? Of course self honesty is the point what is being revealed. Also I push myself to remain here - and that is also fucked up a bit within me - because I've defined to be with girl to divert my attention from myself, from my breath, to the girl, to the picture presentation of her face, body and sound, voice.
This is now unnecessary, and by the tools I can let them go and I remain.
Meanwhile the girl had some issues with ex-boyfriend as she wanted to stop desire after him and direct herself to say no to him when he wants to have sex with her - she described their relationship as a quite abusive one, blablabla, so I suggested to her to write and script situations and explore self-trust and self-honesty extensively.
I am aware of that this girl I saw very very unstable some years ago, but in fact until she supports herself as standing up as moment - I enjoy to write her on chat etc(I did not see her since a week) - but also sometimes she just fed up with my 'wise sentences about what to do' so I do not force this, only I use common sense and she started to realize that the emotions are not really cool(she is kind of hunting after them, like romantic, love bs), and maybe will realize.
This stuff is interesting, because if I wont have sex with her, that is ok - but if yes, then I push myself to explore myself and her to support her and me as one as equal.
I am not anxious what I had with her, because I explained to her that I do not want relationship, I do momentary what I do - or dont' and I trust me unconditionally and I suggest to her the same. She started to change quite fast, I am curious what will happen - but this was interesting choice about her, because I could never 'have' her in a relationship - she is not my case of my 'original mindfuck love shit', but something caught me, so I had to explore.

So this is not like an agreement, because that was not clearly stated, but I pushed her to speak over and over about this to be ensured that the starting point is not fucked up - simply just assisting ourselves to facing what we allowed - and she had this issue of the suppressed desires and some kind of kinky issue - as I had - still have some desire to have many sex, so that is like a condition what made us together for a while but I will see what will happen --- I allow myself to fall, to see what I became - - because some shit is so deeply inside of me, that I have to stalk it out to face by walking within the dense and dark forest.

--
The third stuff what is is started to manifest is this music stuff - I wanted several instruments and I've managed to get those - these were those, what I've defined that I would need to make the music what I want to do - and mostly each is here. I was watching over several forums to see when these stuffs are cheap and finally I got them.

Financially I am still not stable, but these stuffs were totally like 500 euros - and it took 2-3 months to get these here - so from now: no excuses, make music!!!!!!!

I get all support what I need, if I still would be like paranoic conspiracy crazy than before, I even could be suspicied about this is too smooth how I get any support from the system, but at this moment I just simply push myself to express what I am by making music as me.

If all goes as plan(haha), when the autumn comes, I will have some spared money, even about to fly over to SA - I am getting ready to face. I mean I could say I am ready right now, but the physical is the only real.

Ok this was part one, and part two will be the self forgiveness related to what I realized.
---
I skipped the self forgiveness and I did other stuff and I had to notice that when I write about sex - I have to be very directive and disciplined because I got aroused and I even started to watch some movies and just simply take my time and not express myself as inner silence. BUT
Much-much stuff came up, and meanwhile I met with a guy who I saw him in thailand 2 years ago last time, and we spoke much about fear and sex and music and after I still allowed myself to be inside of my mind and the urge was so huge to masturbate and I resisted. lol
Then I lied down when I was quite tired and I said: ok, let's do it but without picture - and in fact it did not work really - and then when a picture came into my head about what I referred as sexy - then the arousing started, but I did not let this...So it was like exploring me and after all I just slept without going till the 'end'.

And today(next) I just started to type a forum post on desteni and a huge amount of stuff came up and I wrote and I wrote and for a hour I just wrote and then by accident I closed the tab so all is lost. I do not try to reproduce that shit, but many points became obvious trough that writing and that is already here, so I can direct myself with this...

In fact it starts with like that: I had sex - for instance one week ago, and it was cool, quite cool with that girl and then I just even did not consider sex for days(as we did not met and she disappeared from msn), but after all I start to see that hey, I did not think about sex - but this is the moment of separation - kind of missing that within me, so I find/recreate - and from there because I did not stand up within absolute self-honesty and self-directive principle - I started to desire again.
This is specific, because this is like when I am inner silence and a thought comes up like: hey I am silence - and that is just over lol - the same shit.

So within this moment, I accept myself as this - kind of self-defeat seed simply connects to a specific part of myself within my mind - and then that like a 'mainframe' - pushes out this thought information systems into and as me - and this is quite intense - and looks like emotions but in fact - that are like compressed data packages with all connections of specific words and memories.

- - - - - -
What I had to realize that when I want something - I can do it - but when I do not want it fully as the totality of myself - it wont happen.
So this sexual desire stuff: I brutally push myself to be self-honest: I want to have sex - within the delusion of wanting to explore why I want - and this compounds until I just realize the loop and then I step out a level - and then I stop doing it -
but this is the point of actual self-change - or self-abuse -- because if I accept myself as still tend to participate within thoughts,feelings,emotions - the mind system will grow until the point when it will be unstable because of the suppressed energies what are not equal and one within and as life awareness as me as all as one as equal as breath as self directive principle -- but it is separated and it is influencing and directing me -- so then the release I will use -- what was before as drugs - but now nothing left only the sex as dishonesty -- and then the loop goes around and all goes as before.

So this is a simple double-balanced system - like the earth rolls and the moon moves around the earth -- and maybe there are another levels - like the earth moves around the sun etc - but the obvious question is how to stop the entire system?
By stopping the smallest cycle? Because that one is very related to the actual days of my life -- or focusing onto the bigger circle?

So the common sense is to stop all participation within all this shit and when the need arises - I dare myself to be self honest and apply immediate self forgiveness specifically unconditionally -- without having the perception of 'moving' or 'advancing' or judging it separatedly from me-- and if yes then realize the fact that I am not living the STOP of myself as separation.

Hmm interesting. it was like I decided to not have sex anymore with that girl and then I pleased myself and then I defined this stuff as too much - and the self-made trap is to say - I do not stop having sex, because I am escaping from myself by suppressing -- or stopping it and defining it as 'I am suppressing'.
In fact this is overcomplicated -- I breath and I stop all inner movement -and the MOST IMPORTANT is to stop when I see that ALREADY I have been moved by inner mind-movement - and not 'giving in' or 'giving up' or 'changing myself, because it is here' and using excuse as 'it will be the last' -- so truswting myself and stop. Even when a huge cool temptation comes - that is also me - of me as me -- I am here, I am breath.
Instead of realizing why a temptation is cool and what is of coolness it has and why and how I defined that as my self-definition. And it can be any thing - woman, instrument, food, anything what is here. pffsffffffffffffff

today

I considered to explore all levels of memory about participation in all possible layers of it - drugs, sex, emotions fears etc -- all shit - to peel and cut the connections as self-direction as self-forgiveness as self-corrective momentary explorative? stabilization as inner silence -- to stand up from my location as my physical name as self as one as equal as all life within oneness and equality: self-responsibility to remove myself as manifested illusion/dishonesty to birth life from the physical here.

I had several years with many visual eyes and energy shit of intended abuse of psychotic drugs and strong delusions by uncontrollable suppressions as well -- recently flashed back for moments quite intensely;
so not yet transcended absolutely.

What is becoming obvious by pushing myself trough the spiderweb of my own(won) dishonesty is that: the process is to realize the stupidity of the participation within the process instead of stand up as life right here as this one breath.
Because if the processor I am, then if no memory load/save then what to process in the next breath? And then one can realize that the next breath is not real - only this one - so the common sense is not that the processor is needed for keeping up the illusion of the unreal?
So what if this breath is the last - and I am preparing for the next one - I am missing this one what is here - and then the starting point of my actual existence is being revealed - the 'what if-ness' as manifested self-doubt : this is what makes self not be here as breath.
Then the next command should be breath and stop processing
and breath and stop processing? and then breath when the stopping the process here is breathing the 'I', what makes the whole crap disappear and that's it, this is who I am, I am here.

days

I work all day, actually every day - weekend or not - this is one big pushday.
I work hard, I even do not think, how much I am at the office - something changed within me. I am my work. People are being kicked out, even within the team - some are really professionals - this not about friendship, not even how long they were at the company or how they are good in their job. Simply just cutting down the branches as the spring comes - this brings much questionmarks all around me but I do not care. I work here and I do not separate myself from them or from my work.
I started to be good. I've never worked at a comapny for one year - this is it. One year - it's enough to stabilize my feet on what I am doing and the fruit is much-much days - something I perceived as stuck and swampy - or something what is freezed - started to move. I move, and I get what I want and then will see.
Within two months I will be able to financially stand up from loans - and my tiny studio is getting ready.
Work of me - the work as me.
I started to notice that I defined myself as not getting aroused but as I noticed, I defined myself - I started to be aroused - I got some movies, I watched and interesting was to see - I 've defined myself according to suppression.
And I've defined that that girl wanted to have movies and I dared myself to justify this with her - projection - mind-obsession -- obvious exposion.
I needed this suppression to define me to remain this. But not anymore.
Simply because I wanted to avoid living woman but still wanting to have release when the bomb is starting to explode - but still remain as a bomb. Because then I can say - fuck, I am a bomb, what does not explodes, but still a bomb.
So Explosion? I did it - outnumbered occasions it happened by horsekicking psychedelics - those were not real but in fact the kicking was real. I kicked myself indirectly because I was not here and I pushed myself. But from over there - to over over there. In fact it is more simple to push myself here.
I am here - I push myself here.
Every moment I do not push myself - I am being pushed back from my unpush-ness.
Of couse it does not matter - when I start to step back from the push - it comes and I step back and it is me - my shadow manifestation is pushing me.
Also this girl - we did chat and I experience the urge to get her but I in fact there is something what is holding me back.
It is more precise than a nuclear plant. Because in fact I am leting myself to dream about an another girl just because of the memory - and the another girl is waiting for being 'hunted' - and I enjoy to express myself as honesty and when I act - I experience myself as pushing her to realize self honesty and than I realise that I push me and then I am pushing here constantly what ever is this here - and when it's undefined and I am directing - it is obviously effective.
This bullshit knowledge system what I am stopping - it is huge - but that wisdom is system wisdom - fucks me up and down and IO define myself according to these frequency sample treshold statistics? Fuck the system - fuck the memory - embrace time and space as breath in and as every single moment.

Probably the desire to be with that girl who I dream regularly - or if not then the dream is obviously about this kind of entity. Let's face this stuff in real. So much suppression comes out and knocking on the closed doors - Hey, Tala, are you here? Are you in?

So - push yourself in every single moment - because this is the gift of self. the push of self as self-honesty to live moment here.
I push my mother as me - I push that girl on chat, I push my sister, unconditionally dealing with and as everything here as me.
Enjoying work - and this is like if I trust me in every moment - I am the manifested trust placement within and as me: then nothing to worry, enjoy the show and every fail-all-ure is just part of the movement - as whole as everything.

Still darkness is avoided from a point - self-trust experience opens up doors every day - this process is very simple - express and express and express.

The first hungarian guy joined on desteni hungarian site - he asked me where to start or what to read, and I've suggested him some docs, videos.
that's all - on this week I write more again.
It actually does not matter how much I work - I am starting to be more focused when I am awaken - I do and act and I push me and then I sleep, and I wake up and I push myself again - interesting to see how much I've defined myself according to energy related to sexual expression - sexual release, or orgasm - I've defined myself according to sexual suppression - and my energetical level according to the amount of sexual desires, suppressions - what always caused tiny shocks within my body, experiences - so I experience with this - to not suppress - but express - and will see what will be unfolded. I did quite some self forgiveness aloud about this energy stuff and sexual stuff and I change - I have to change because I am already changing - it's unstoppable. I as breath stopping the participation within the mind to remain inner silent.
So much I can fight with a simple stuff - but it's unnecessary.

These self-forgiveness sentences what I say in these days - I stabilize with this post:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy as amount according to the quantity of suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desires and transform it to depression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desires and anger into deprssion - instead of realizing that this anger is towards me because I did not stand up and I did regret the stepping back from myself - instead of standing up and pushiny myself trough my previously accepted and allowed nature to explore what is actually here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing with girl because I fear from having fall into possession of her as relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that in the past I lost my head because of girls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chose girls according to how much I could fly away in my mind from here and saying that these girls are really special so probably will assist me to fly away to another dimensions/worlds who the fuck knows where to actually not being here as expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire girl to have sex instead of realizing that this is a programmed self-definition system about how to remain exactly the same according to suppressions and definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny me and try to escape from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define orgasm as something what takes my energy away - and within participation in this belief - I started to perceive myself as this and then I was totally the slave of this illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my power related to how much I avoided sexual expression - just because I've defined sex as nasty, or low.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I became quite soon possessed with sex and that's why I looked after another expressions or explorations such as drugs, music, travel etc to avoid sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that sex is the mind-energy rejuvenartion system's main fuel - and until I fight against it - it will persists.

Push

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate within applying self forgiveness in the moment because of I have allowed myself to being directed - instead of stopping immediately, breath and express myself accordingly to be absolute self honest to stop participating within thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define complexity as more divine than simplicity because I have allowed myself to judge myself according to my dishonesty and trying to hide within complexity - based on my self definition related to what others should perceive about me and seeing other's limits, and stepping one step further, basically as a system works - and if I tend to be complex - then I can define myself as unpredictable, and then I could have more freedom by others would tend to define me as unpredictable but in fact this is separation, this is limitation based on self-doubt, fear from facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be unpredictable, because of the fear that then others would see who I am here and then they may reflect back to me what I have accepted and allowed myself to express - and then this facing would mean realization and it would mean change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word change as unpredictable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to predict my world to be able to plan to operate in a way what is stable, safe, smooth, easy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enhance deining according to being able to notice small particles within the system and operate as a robot and always using this defining system to predict the optimal next step, not realizing that this is the very manifested limitation of myself based on my manifested fear as trying to keep everything on a perceived illusionaric view what is not here but only within my mind as memory, as thoughts, as consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge beings according to how they can operate as a predictional algorythm and judging them by perceiving their defining/predicting systematic behaviour and then controling and manipulating them according to my definiions, my limitations, what are the inprintings of my fear, of my dishonesty - so basically in every single moment I am facing with my manifested fear and dishonesty until I stop defining, stop thinking, stop escaping, stop fighting, totally, absolutely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being controlled, not realizing that because I have accepted and allowed myself to become controllable trough my fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate beings according to my definitions what self-dishonesties I can see within themselves as fear and manipulating their fear to manipulate them to react - instead of realizing that they are me as one as equal and I am showing myself my accepted and allowed nature of manipulation because of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others within my mind, instead of realizing that this is only a perception based on participatin within the expression of separation - and I manifested myself as separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become separation and trying to separate myself from my separation and separating myself from separation instead of realizing that I am fearing to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape from stoping by keep defining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others because then I would have the perception or reflection that I can change others and then being able to define that I am able to change others than I should be able to change me - instead of changing my application here as moment breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my experiences instead of trusting me here unconditionally -and not separating myself from trust as experience as here as me as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to fear from facing with woman and sex because I have separated myself from woman and sex because I am dishonest as I have relationship with my memory and I define woman and sex related to my memory and fear of facing because of the knowledge and memory of possession. Possible possession.
Basically trying to making impossible to face with a possible possession. LOL

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to woman as relationship as an escape from myself here and then trying to escape from facing this fact - I defined that I avoid women to not allow for them to become addicted to me as a mind object, in relationship as dishonesty - but in fact this is me, I have projected this out and then manifested by manipulating women to become addicted to me to prove that this is a reason to act like that and hide my dishonesty and cover my fear from become addicted. Hm first time I could write this, in the last days I started to open this within me and this is kind a push.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define push instead of being pushing myself here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the polarity by giving up some relationship with specific self-definitions by manipulating myself by other self-definitions instead of stopping everything within and as me here unconditionally as trusting me as inner silence as breath as self-expression as self-directive principle.