I've been exploring for a while with some things, and I've got to the point where I simply express here as writing as me as one as equal.
What is specifically being pushed is to write one and equal - not avoiding or cosmetically changing what I am experiencing inside of me at the moment. I start from kind of the surface and moving towards the core of my being. I direct myself to this, because I already have the tendency to just write in the begining about 'around the bush' and then I just simply start to move myself and opening and exploring and expressing here.
So - first of all - movement - I've decided to physically move myself to see how this works -- I've realized that in the last ten years, I've became physically weak and my poses what I use are well influenced by unstable and unpleasant mindsets - so it is time to purify this - because this body who I am as life - I stop abuse. I can easily expand and develop stamina - if I want - so the theory was like when I do some physical exercise, my presence is more obvious - or obviously missing.
When I was in school, I was good runner, I was weak for do the strong stuffs, but I was always fast and enduring. Also not so far I started to remember that I've used the 4 count breath when I was in high school to help to stabilize my breath.
So here is an island not so far from here, there the runners go to run in circles -around the island - and one round is 5,4 km. I've decided to run there because then I can not cheat, I can measure that I run or not that stuff. Today I ran third time,
I bough cool running shoes and first time I could run only the half of it - and I did not take water with me - I was really thirsty - so I had to stop 3 times to finish that circle. I was quite exhausted but it was very cool that I did the distance - I had not much expectations because of the many smokes and the lack of movement - so after 2 days I had this huge fatigue-fever, but within that whole session was a moment when I had an experience when I was just accepting what is here and after I had this overwhelming stuff, what was simply inner reaction...
After that it became obvious that this was quite a big straight header - I use an exercise book of Navy seals training because that is quite enough and deeply profound about the topic. But this movement started to gave me a straightness, what is already within me and not even need to exercise for it, but actually this is how it reveals for me, sO I accept it as me.
Next week I ran again, and I was like ok, let's run, and I did the half circle quite fast - without saving my power to be enough for longer distance - so after the half I just went to home - I did not want to exhaust myself again -- even as I took a half liter water, it was not so much...
So after that, today I went out early morning(daytime it is very busy) and I ran again - and this time I had no expectations, I just pushed myself - and one stuff what I realized - again - as I used this before in running but I forgot - the breath.
I pushed myself to breath deeply, equally, constantly, and being sure that I do not speed it up. Because this is what happens also when I participate within the mind - the breath becomes futile and I start to fear from getting tired and then everything falls apart about the stamina, the will, the power etc.
So basically to push myself to breath constantly - not flying away from here.
This is what made me good runner when I was a teen - and this is what I am capable of - to release all stuff inside and push myself to breath right here.
And something occures inside - then let's express it by applying self forgiveness or act & speak and let's see is this who I really am?
I stopped only for a minute to drink some water and then I could run all over a circle - at the end the temptation came up to simply rest - to drink or stuffs - but in fact I breathed and moved and was not so difficult. Fascinating.
And one more thing - after that I had less tendency to think - but some occured -- yet it was like this obvious fact that I push myself as breathing and I remain here.
I direct myself to be able to run 2 circles without the dying of thirst after water and loosing my self presence with the breath.
Even I could say self forgiveness while I was running to stop some thoughts - but those were not 'reached' the core of the dishonesty - but were cool to cut the possibility to continoe the thinking. By running is quite easy to remain here- I experience the body, the road, the trees, the river, the island itself - without defining or interpreting inside.
I've been pushing myself on the desire side as well - first I was experimenting with my desires - I was like for a month I avoided everything sexual - in fact in the mind I allowed some picture presentation - even I saw some movies like that, but I dared myself to not arouse myself physically. After all I've decided to face with woman - obviously nothing to hesitate with this - and had many conversations with a girl who I know, on msn we spoke and I've explained her oneness and equality and mindfucks and desires and the flaws within relationship all these stuffs, and she was curious but in fact I was sure that she has her own mindfucks about her boyfriend who she started to manage to stop being with - so I was like anything happens I take self responsibility - and I even told her that my fear is that when I am with a girl and then the girl falls into love with me and I do not.
In fact I also came into realization that maybe this is my own projection as an excuse to face with somebody very closely - because of fearing from facing with a 'mirror'.
So we did some sexercise, it was cool, I was quite freaky with the mind-information exchange, and she just laughed at me, and in fact something like this maybe could happen, because I've noticed some of my expressions on her, but in fact this is meaningless to follow. Quite some points has beeen revealed within me - the first one is that my arousedness is very related with my suppressed emotions - and it is not actual self-movement - but it is an indirect move - a necessary must what drives me and I enjoy the ride - because of the subject of the ride(having sex with a nice girl - kind mindfuck) and because of the releasing of the compounded emotional energetic suppressions - what are very related to the girl who I am with to have sex.
So this was fascinating, because there were moments when I just simply lost my focus and my interest to do this, but even sometimes I still tried and laughed. Also she had this lack of 'deep love' what in general turned her on. So it was interesting realization.
After all I became quite excited and I took over the direction and then we got really aroused so finally we had the real sex, even at the first minute I've realised that 'I'm in' maybe the condom would be very practical, but my previous attachments to that thing came up(I did not used it since university - 9 years, because I've defined it separation and unpleasant) - so it was interesting.
Also we slept together and I had to realise how much value I keep up with a definition like 'sleep with a naked girl'.
So we met once again, and that one was more natural one and it looks like I have nothing wrong, and to do physical sex with a girl is not bad in itself - it is the question of who I am within and as the situation. Because obviously the strategy to simply avoid women while I still allow myself to desire - makes me suppress and to want to masturbate with images. So why not do with an other? Of course self honesty is the point what is being revealed. Also I push myself to remain here - and that is also fucked up a bit within me - because I've defined to be with girl to divert my attention from myself, from my breath, to the girl, to the picture presentation of her face, body and sound, voice.
This is now unnecessary, and by the tools I can let them go and I remain.
Meanwhile the girl had some issues with ex-boyfriend as she wanted to stop desire after him and direct herself to say no to him when he wants to have sex with her - she described their relationship as a quite abusive one, blablabla, so I suggested to her to write and script situations and explore self-trust and self-honesty extensively.
I am aware of that this girl I saw very very unstable some years ago, but in fact until she supports herself as standing up as moment - I enjoy to write her on chat etc(I did not see her since a week) - but also sometimes she just fed up with my 'wise sentences about what to do' so I do not force this, only I use common sense and she started to realize that the emotions are not really cool(she is kind of hunting after them, like romantic, love bs), and maybe will realize.
This stuff is interesting, because if I wont have sex with her, that is ok - but if yes, then I push myself to explore myself and her to support her and me as one as equal.
I am not anxious what I had with her, because I explained to her that I do not want relationship, I do momentary what I do - or dont' and I trust me unconditionally and I suggest to her the same. She started to change quite fast, I am curious what will happen - but this was interesting choice about her, because I could never 'have' her in a relationship - she is not my case of my 'original mindfuck love shit', but something caught me, so I had to explore.
So this is not like an agreement, because that was not clearly stated, but I pushed her to speak over and over about this to be ensured that the starting point is not fucked up - simply just assisting ourselves to facing what we allowed - and she had this issue of the suppressed desires and some kind of kinky issue - as I had - still have some desire to have many sex, so that is like a condition what made us together for a while but I will see what will happen --- I allow myself to fall, to see what I became - - because some shit is so deeply inside of me, that I have to stalk it out to face by walking within the dense and dark forest.
The third stuff what is is started to manifest is this music stuff - I wanted several instruments and I've managed to get those - these were those, what I've defined that I would need to make the music what I want to do - and mostly each is here. I was watching over several forums to see when these stuffs are cheap and finally I got them.
Financially I am still not stable, but these stuffs were totally like 500 euros - and it took 2-3 months to get these here - so from now: no excuses, make music!!!!!!!
I get all support what I need, if I still would be like paranoic conspiracy crazy than before, I even could be suspicied about this is too smooth how I get any support from the system, but at this moment I just simply push myself to express what I am by making music as me.
If all goes as plan(haha), when the autumn comes, I will have some spared money, even about to fly over to SA - I am getting ready to face. I mean I could say I am ready right now, but the physical is the only real.
Ok this was part one, and part two will be the self forgiveness related to what I realized.
I skipped the self forgiveness and I did other stuff and I had to notice that when I write about sex - I have to be very directive and disciplined because I got aroused and I even started to watch some movies and just simply take my time and not express myself as inner silence. BUT
Much-much stuff came up, and meanwhile I met with a guy who I saw him in thailand 2 years ago last time, and we spoke much about fear and sex and music and after I still allowed myself to be inside of my mind and the urge was so huge to masturbate and I resisted. lol
Then I lied down when I was quite tired and I said: ok, let's do it but without picture - and in fact it did not work really - and then when a picture came into my head about what I referred as sexy - then the arousing started, but I did not let this...So it was like exploring me and after all I just slept without going till the 'end'.
And today(next) I just started to type a forum post on desteni and a huge amount of stuff came up and I wrote and I wrote and for a hour I just wrote and then by accident I closed the tab so all is lost. I do not try to reproduce that shit, but many points became obvious trough that writing and that is already here, so I can direct myself with this...
In fact it starts with like that: I had sex - for instance one week ago, and it was cool, quite cool with that girl and then I just even did not consider sex for days(as we did not met and she disappeared from msn), but after all I start to see that hey, I did not think about sex - but this is the moment of separation - kind of missing that within me, so I find/recreate - and from there because I did not stand up within absolute self-honesty and self-directive principle - I started to desire again.
This is specific, because this is like when I am inner silence and a thought comes up like: hey I am silence - and that is just over lol - the same shit.
So within this moment, I accept myself as this - kind of self-defeat seed simply connects to a specific part of myself within my mind - and then that like a 'mainframe' - pushes out this thought information systems into and as me - and this is quite intense - and looks like emotions but in fact - that are like compressed data packages with all connections of specific words and memories.
- - - - - -
What I had to realize that when I want something - I can do it - but when I do not want it fully as the totality of myself - it wont happen.
So this sexual desire stuff: I brutally push myself to be self-honest: I want to have sex - within the delusion of wanting to explore why I want - and this compounds until I just realize the loop and then I step out a level - and then I stop doing it -
but this is the point of actual self-change - or self-abuse -- because if I accept myself as still tend to participate within thoughts,feelings,emotions - the mind system will grow until the point when it will be unstable because of the suppressed energies what are not equal and one within and as life awareness as me as all as one as equal as breath as self directive principle -- but it is separated and it is influencing and directing me -- so then the release I will use -- what was before as drugs - but now nothing left only the sex as dishonesty -- and then the loop goes around and all goes as before.
So this is a simple double-balanced system - like the earth rolls and the moon moves around the earth -- and maybe there are another levels - like the earth moves around the sun etc - but the obvious question is how to stop the entire system?
By stopping the smallest cycle? Because that one is very related to the actual days of my life -- or focusing onto the bigger circle?
So the common sense is to stop all participation within all this shit and when the need arises - I dare myself to be self honest and apply immediate self forgiveness specifically unconditionally -- without having the perception of 'moving' or 'advancing' or judging it separatedly from me-- and if yes then realize the fact that I am not living the STOP of myself as separation.
Hmm interesting. it was like I decided to not have sex anymore with that girl and then I pleased myself and then I defined this stuff as too much - and the self-made trap is to say - I do not stop having sex, because I am escaping from myself by suppressing -- or stopping it and defining it as 'I am suppressing'.
In fact this is overcomplicated -- I breath and I stop all inner movement -and the MOST IMPORTANT is to stop when I see that ALREADY I have been moved by inner mind-movement - and not 'giving in' or 'giving up' or 'changing myself, because it is here' and using excuse as 'it will be the last' -- so truswting myself and stop. Even when a huge cool temptation comes - that is also me - of me as me -- I am here, I am breath.
Instead of realizing why a temptation is cool and what is of coolness it has and why and how I defined that as my self-definition. And it can be any thing - woman, instrument, food, anything what is here. pffsffffffffffffff