Monday, August 30, 2010

Pushing the point again - desire - relationship - agreement

Okay - regarding to desire - relationship - agreement and dishonesties -- I did about a hour vlog - and did extensive emailing in hungarian with several beings - however I was not satistied my expression - it was not direct on the point - and my speakings in the video was not that understandable as I would like so - so I will write about it again and redo vlogs - to compress the shit into one or two vlogs - and writing it down more directly.

So I will start the 'story' about one year ago - first time it will go until last december - then I will continue on forthcoming day.
It is like closing a period in my life - as I already realized things - but resonantly coming up - so I write more, expose more, I will do mind constructs and self forgiveness and self corrective application - this will be some of occasions - but I will do so anyway - it must be done.

Whats going on on on and on

Recently I was emailing directly with several people, mostly in hungarian - fascinating points came up - mostly about my discipline regarding to desires and focus to remain here as physical.

With my some ex-girlfiends and other people(mostly women) I started to open myself up directly within communication - simply writing about my current process - what I am facing actually - some are giving some perspectives - to see - what reflections I am still participating based on belief, desire, fear or simply not taking self responsibility to stand up for all within my act.
For instance - when I speak with specific women - I do not have this obvious desire after sex or very direct physical contact - but several times I was able to see it hiddenly - within words - not because I am symbolically speaking of desires - more likely as I speak about the sexual topic - I saw that some times I expected to respect/response with the same - opening up inner issues of themselves - also about sexual experiences, insights etc - and what I saw that the hope within myself about 'maybe then after we speak about it - then IRL we could do so' - but when I see it directly - not really - it is more likely subconscious - but sometimes comes up to conscious level and then I see it when I am here as breathing - but several times I acted(wrote) withint the starting point of energy - and if I release this expression(send it in email) then it will reflect back...So it happened...
Therefore there was some kind of 'temptation' as well - as specific women approached me in specific circumstances with the offering of 'we should sleep together' - but I did not do so...
Later on I had the chance to react inside -- I went into inner dishonesty by following desire - and in those moments - I experienced this desire - to use the opportunity - but I was not sure - so I still did not do so - then the opportunity was not here anymore - but I was able to see 'I was not absolutely direct' - still I was a bit of being directed - however there was this sprout of standing absolute by discipline/principle/decision/realization/self-honesty.
So I must stabilize and express this decision, discipline, principle, realization, self honesty - by writing about why and how I realized what I must stop - what I must reject, what I must do when temptations come to stand as Life Principle.

It all started with myself opening up to women about in the begining of the summer of 2009 - and first of all - I did not 'script up' situations - I just walked into it - and then I was being intriqued by it and I was directed - not that obviously and utterly as years ago when I fell into absolute delusions regarding to specific women -- but still of dishonesty, still of desire.
And in fact - I wanted to form an agreement - and by this 'want' - I did not do so - and also I did not take into consideration the other - the other's process - and see common sensically that that woman suits the placement for this with me to walk as equally as one - the first one trial: simply did not.
However it took several months for me to realize how this construct what was moving me - works, operates, moves me and why and what is what I am not experiencing within myself and I feel separated from - what I want to have by that specific woman.
When it started to be obvious that she does not get this whole thing and she does not even want to open up for realize it - it was obvious that this wont really work - but I was still busy to make this work - and by wanting to - I became this want - and within becoming this want - I lost my starting point as self as presence - not totally - but within specific situations...
For instance when she was kissing me and hugging - I simply forgot things lol...
So after a while - sexual desire also arised and when that was not to happen - I started to physically experience this system directly. It was strong and really rude experience - the pain was about once in two weeks - for a half a hour - almost unbearable - this area of myself(down there from genital/ass coming up by the center of my trunk) - was in a some kind of energetic burn experience. To describe this experience - the tip of this was my asshole and tip of my penis - and from this points - these really felt like one point - and from those two - experiencing arising energy flames upwards - and these energy flames - somehow I felt these as empty/black/energetic information systems moving up slowly but very strong - and pain was so strong that in it's peek(the strongest part was always for 5-15 minutes) I was nothing more but presence, pain, breath. Literally.

In these moments - there nothing left - but breathing and remaining here - I've tried distractions - even once or twice masturbation to 'release' the energetic compound - but did not really help - it was like this experience always waited for me so to speak - and when I was here as presence - it intensified and came full blown and then after 'purely' breathing through - it was gone - very fascinating experience - this was about for a year - suppressed sexual desire -- after being with this one specific woman while she 'allowed to do things' but not 'actual sex' - so I was aroused and after some rejections - or watching sexual video without masturbating to orgasm -- this came up -- sometimes at work - when I had to deal with it - to go somewhere to be alone and then breath through it...
After a while of course - I realized that this is very serious - and I remembered once we had chat with Bernard when he said it sounds like an infection - but I was like - it is obviously of suppressed compounded sexual desire - what is of mind-based - and maybe it manifested synptoms are of infection - but the core is of sexual disorder...

This event occured totally about 15-20 times - but about 5-6 were really seriously - absolutely - intense to the outmost degree.
I realized that I must change - and by the decision to change - I did not change automatically.
I had to investigate specifically how I participate within this - so then I started to stop participate within sexual desire.
First of all - by stopping the reaction to women on street - by stopping watching them as 'sexual objects' - as I remember - I did not watched them always like this -- only since I am working at this office and being with this people and 'sitting in' into this lifestyle of working at office, being alone, sometimes watching sex movies and wanting to have sexual intercourse with women but not doing so in physical.

In a way - I was aware of this dishonesty - so I was aware of one day I will stop - same as with smoking weed - I always was aware of that this is temporally - but at the moment it is here...But then I realized - I can't wait for it's end - if actually it is me - I have to stop myself to stop it. So I did 21 days stopping - I did masturbation - sometimes not using pictures, sometimes yes - it was very fuzzy - yet - when I did without pictures - still some 'small' reactions came up - but yet - then after - I was not ashamed - or felt discharged, and I did not feel that this I must keep in secret as it was 'natural'.
So somehow this started to change...
However when I was with this girl - things came faster that I could handle - so sometimes I lost my floor - and became energy waves..up and down...

So I wrote more about it and I wrote about sexual intents and what is my desire and how I define it and I wrote self forgiveness...
It started to change - I was able to extensively reduce my inner reactions towards women on street/eating place/office - and I kept pushing myself because I saw that I can stop - as I formed this to became - I can stop it on the same way - directly doing it - the stopping of it - daily - moment by moment...
So then with this girl - who I proposed to make agreement on sexual based physical support for each other by standing within self honesty and openness - she did not wanted it - and it came to the surface that she 'plays' with an other guy also - as I realized - she did not wanted me simply as a 'friend' but not that much as we would do 'intimate' thingies...
So then I approached her when she evaded me regardless of we agreed in a specific meet - and then asked directly and explained one more - that I can stand with her unconditionally if she moves self honestly and opens herself up - but then when I was pushing her to express directly - she told me that she did not want to meet with me because she did kisses with an other guy - so then she was ashamed of herself and she did not wanted to face with me.
So then I told her that it is over - and she asked me to be friends and I told her that friends are fiends - then I left her and deleted her phone number in my phone to be sure - I do not go back.

It was my decision - to clearly step out from this -- and it was also an experiment from the beginning - that I will not manipulate her, I will not make her being attracted to me and I will not reason her to do so - without mind games I wanted her to act - because in my past - I did these to 'get' women - and I do not do so anymore - because is of dishonesty -- so then she did not wanted this - and I experienced a bit mess within me and I started to burn inside so to speak - or more likely - I started to burn myself with this by reactions -- So I stepped out and started to stop and write and open and forgive things what came up...
It was intense - but about 1000 times less than I experienced when I was before - so it was not that huge, world destroying mindpain - it was simply unpleasant - what? my mind of course - but I experienced it as I can handle and walk through it...
In fact - I wanted this - to face and make apparent mistakes to see what I already accepted and manifested...
So I got this...
Then after one-two months - doing another 21 days dare - I met with an other woman - I found her interesting - she was not that 'bitchy' woman-like as usual women who I liked before - so the 'danger'/'desire' polarity did not rang up within me - and I did not experienced body-sensual-desire - as she was not the usual 'my type' - and I liked this - because I did not went immediately into desire - more likely it was a curiosity so I approached her to a speaking walk with her - without inner movement - simply just breath walk speak -- and it was fascinating - however I experienced something 'wrong' with her from the perspective of experiencing her 'wounded' in that time...
After speaking for hours in a some kind of 'meetings of friends, some were smoked and speaking wisely and spiritually but of nonsense' - I enjoyed her not being involved within this wise-pretending bullshit - but anyway I was like - whatever - it was fascinating...
After months - she approached me about wanting to communicate with me - and then emailing, and then she came to me and spoke 7 hours and then she left.
Next week she came and wanted to get massage at one point and then we ended up in sexual things - not much I had desire for it - of course I had some sort of - but in physical - did not mean anything but distraction - so I breathed through the mind-bullshit and we enjoyed each other...
So then I told her - I am not for romantic moments - more likely self honest agreement where we directly communciate and support each other and starting to build something together - and she liked the idea but I was aware of she have no idea...
She told me that she had intense self-abuse by alcohol recently - and she stopped it completely and she is ready to let go that and actually face - so it was quite reasonable - and we started to meet, speak and do sex...
Okay I will continue next time...

Friday, August 20, 2010


It is imperative to not recreate the relationships - or even it's deception again -- I am specific - I stand I breath, I apply, I move, I change.

So I am going into well-described, communicated agreement only - otherwise I stand alone.

I do not compromise myself - in fact there is a girl who invited me to see that if we could form a sexual relationship based on honesty -- it is obvious that she has no idea about self honesty - as the last relationship was also like this -- K. did not know anything about self honesty and self foriveness - I trust myself in the moment - and I do not trust anyone else but myself here - and direct - assist, and move. Simple. Not defining but stating out that I am not willing to support self dishonesty - within other and within myself - same -- no more.

shaky mocky - all ways stand alone as facing death

Death teath teeth teather weather wealth health

When I was shaving my head - I was not aware of I was not here for long moments - I was of imagining - and after a while - I realized my hands and feet were shaking. Of course, the water was cold already, but that is not the reason -- somehow the system came into surface what makes me fear of death.
Fascinating - facing unknown - facing death -- when I as the system can not comprehend but I am facing through - this comes up and I am wondering about unreal things.
Bringing myself here - Presence, Push breath and express and explore what means to stand here as physical stability.
Yes - this is it - I am typing directly as myself as the computer and as I am breathing and I am saying the words - I stand - no separation I do allow by reacting, judging or even being unsure about what I am doing. This is who I am - I am Here.
Yes and then things happen and I am facing with resistance - no matter what - I push - I am this all - I am the resistance - I embrace, I understand, I am becoming aware of what I face - and then I move it as myself - no separation - no reason - no goal. Simply I am movement.

So this is at the moment where I share some points what I was experiencing recently.
So I was writing about how I experienced women recently - especially my partner, K. - At the middle of the week she wrote an email to me about - I must translate the whole letter as it is specific: I noticed that she is avoiding me, and it was apparently because she had inner conflict and self judgement, self hatred issues, and I pushed the point and offered her points to being stable and support directly - if she moves and changes in real by applying the tools...she said, yes, but never did really - so at the festival as she approached, I was seriously crystalcrisp about I am standing with her or without - but I do not allow her to remain in fucked up - and she was smoked - and I told her - enjoy yourself - and I left her -- after that she did not find me -- and after almost two weeks, I was working at the office, when she wrote this letter:

dear tala, well I disappeared, as you ozora I fell in love and the outside world disappeared...since days i am trying to come back, not really I can...this is it, honestly, myself I am surprised about life...I do not know how to handle a situation like this, but I think that the honesty is the only way...
I need a bit more time to wake up, after that I will visit you...
to make love and to engage into intimate relationship I can not do anything else, only with my lover...this is strange for myself as well, but this is it...
but anyway, write about what is going with you, because I am interested(but if you dont want, I do not force it)
I hug you, k.

Well, that made me react lolol...Since december we regularly met and I was like - okay I do not compromise myself, I build agreement here - but she did not - it is proven here...
I was angry - and in fact angry to myself that I trusted her and I did not realize that she was not really moving but as I wanted her to move - she could act like that - and also within my hope - I saw her 'moving' - but in fact - if she can write a letter with such content of 'love, and I can not come back to reality' - I consider her as robotic as all the other human systems lolol.

So with this anger I was content for a while but then I started to apply self forgiveness - and in a hour the 'body' energetic compound disappeared - but within my head - sometimes came up -- and it was like re-reading the message to see that any reaction comes up - and in fact sometimes did -- surprise - yes - disappointment - not really - but it was cool because I am becoming more specific - not waving about the past but look what is actually here.
So that was about - after one day - I write loong letter to Marlen and it was cool - to write down all things and see that am I blaming? am I projecting? or I am expressing myself here?
So it was cool - and the whole thing started to manifest when I stared to focus onto the relationship to make it an agreement - in fact we agreed on some things - but it was not specific and not was of principle as oneness and equality...
But I accepted it - as I always existed in unequal relationships - so I make it happen by transition - it was phase two.
First phase was when I approached Gy who I knew long before and kind of liked her presence as she could express in a quite of innocence - but in other way she is well stubborn and suppressing - so I approached her and offered my unconditional assistance if we would form an agreement - of course with sex - but she evaded that - and this was the first attempt to approach a girl - without playing nice, without manipulation, without 'selling myself' - without using her dishonesty to make her move as I would do so -- and it did not work - it was fallen and even our 'contact' as relationship as some kind of 'friendship' fallen - for long months...

After that I said her that this does not work - and deleted Gy's number - simply showing my decision to her and to myself as well - that I do not take shit, i rather walk and die alone then I would accept bullshit...

So after that K came - and she somehow was attracted to me - I never really understood women why would do so lolol but it was okay -- I did not judge her as 'my type' - and that is what I liked - however she had a kind of expression what made me curious about how this being works?
And then she approached and asked for speak and then asked for massage and then for erotic massage - this was the third time we met and then we made meetings regularly - I stated out that I would not want romantic moments, rather direct self support based on self honesty and direct communication and she liked it and then the more we came 'together' in a way - I could express myself - and she even did that she told me several times when I was too much of 'speaking of information' to shut up - and also I did this to her - so it was the beginning...then by months - I was able to face the fact that my sexual desires are of delusion, are of mind - based on participation with porn and extensive sexual suppressions through my 'dark ages' when I was in drugs and spiritual agenda...
So I told to her that I am going to stop all of these but I would require more sex - more than weekly or twice in a month - and she agreed, but it never happened except two or three times...
So I had this focus on her and it clearly started to transform into discipline - but as my discipline and stability manifested - I started to push her more and more - and she fell - and I started to expect things from her - what she did not like - for instance to not drink alcohol - as she has serious issues to not being able to stop drinking and drinking alone and judging and hating it all came into surface when she evaded me and I was being tested that am I jealous? and after all it was gone - it came into the light that she was all alone and not wanting to face me because she was 'bitchy' - and I dared her to face me and allow me to come and intervene - but in fact - she was indeed - avoiding, evading, yes a bit bitchy - so then I was pushing her more - claiming her to write list and build self trust and she told me that she did - but anyway she told me that her previous relationship what lasted for 12 years - is still haunting her and she requires that guy's expression and she needs a bit of time and blah blah blah and then I told her that - "well, I am then dealing my sexual suppressed desire alone, but I let her be and then we will see - so since about 25 days I am doing this no orgasm experiment - in fact about 20 days before we did sex but no orgasm - but anyway since then I am disciplining myself to live without orgasm - and running after situations when I could have orgasm.
It assists me - but in times I still want to masturbate and even I watched sex movies - but then I stopped and I was exploring how it is triggered and how I am going to stop this for ever.
I am mailing with several women - and in fact some of them is almost 'asking' for sex - and I am going to face them but I told them that no promise, I am not going to being driven my dick - so no expectactions...

But it is fascinating to see that as I have no 'self-defined' partner anymore - the past just comes back directly - what I never transcended - for instance the desire for having sex - and in fact this is almost undefined - as in a way - I could define 'preferable' sexual experiences what my desires are about - but those would be obviously situations what in real life I am not interested....
For instance I visited sex club - swinger - when I was with people who do fuck with strangers as others speak - and I had no intent to participate with my dick - so when I had the chance to participate in orgy - I had the opportunity - but I asked myself? Is this what I really want? And the answer was directly no. So then that one was exposed - full of mind - not real - so I must go - as soon as possible - directly, in one breath.

And it is fascinating to speak with women - without actually being horny or aroused or even see them as 'sex object' - yes it sounds quite strange, but most of the men has this within teir mind - and when I do not participate - then I can experience the being - and the issues of her - and I can assist - without concerning about 'loosing my hope to have something sexual with her' - as in fact I never intended to.

Yet with the girl called Gy - we met again and I compromised myself in a way - as I was on the ground with her and I put my hand under her panties and grabbed her ass for a while and she had nothing to against it - and it was fascinating to see that I am still attracted to her body - what I allowed - and then we slept together in a tent within different sleeping bags - without anything sexual - as I had no intent to push this point with her anymore and also she told me that she has her boyfriend who would be in pain if he would know that she does sexual things with other boys - that was reasonable.
However I still experience that she sometimes even require this kind of attention from me - what is maybe a justification from myself to myself to not stop sexually approach her - but what is already a progress - that I had no big 'flyaways' - I was able to breath through when I could disregard the fact that better to remain here than being opposed by being rejected lol...

So that it is - I did not answer to K. anything else except 'no comment' -- and Gy left the country for weeks - so I am here to stabilize myself and in time I will face both - - the specificity and direct standing - and not driven by desire but as principle.

What is important - as I have a bit more 'time' because I do not spend with K. - that I can push more the SRA training - the mindconstruct and the basic components - and the self forgiveness - and then moving on to introduce daily the mind-charts usage - and face with resonances...

For now, this is it...

Sunday, August 8, 2010

facing women directly again and compromising my presence with desire part 2

In the last letter - I was a bit of ranting and raving - many shit
came up as what was dishonest -
In that of 'I trusted in that she wont allow me to go to the point of
sex' - that is obviously mindfuck because I do not trust myself here -
rather in something what is outside of me -- that's a really great
self-compromise - and that fact that I was tired and a bit exhausted
from the festival and the weather - can not justify what and how I did
and how I see...

Also that when I was realizing that I still being attracted to her -
why I did not stop totally? So I see that I still wanted to get energy
regardless to the decision - and also I did not want to be so direct
that she would define it rude or rough - because sometimes I do so -
speaking like Bernard for instance - straight to the point -- and I
was of mindfuck because I wanted to sleep in her tent instead of being
wet by rain - it was comfortable and I could be with her - also she
wanted this and she wanted me to be around her obviously and I 'fell'
into that...

Also she mentioned that she has some kind of boyfriend - they do not
declared that they are together - but she wants sex with him only -
okay she told me also not 100%, but more likely.
So I see that I was dishonest in that because I wanted her regardless
of the facts that she is with somebody who is not there at the moment
- but I compromised myself because I justified that with 'she wants my
gestures anyway' - because she says that she wants us to be 'friends'
but sometimes asks me to lie on her from back on the ground or fondles
me or gives a tiny kiss - obviously she likes me but somehow something
is blocked within her and she does not want to step through that door
when she would 'lose' the control within this situation - so this is
how I see at the moment - she enjoys my attraction and she wants it
directed - and not allowing much but sometimes giving some to keep up
the energy going...
And as long I participate even with a slightest action - instead of
directly speaking up and not going anywhere but remaining HERE - I am
not here as myself but as of personality, energized and directed by
desire what is in fact self dishonesty because I want something to
experience what I perceive as separated...

So this is quite direct, how I lose my stability within the desire -
as in fact I don't want to meet her so much - and then when she
approaches - I say 'yes, cool, I can face her' - and then I see
points, yes - but in fact many times for several moments - I move
within the act of desire - then I 'wake up' so to speak - and then I
face myself - because sometimes even I have the tendency to 'becoming
cold serious' - to try to 'protect' myself from my desire - but then
it is obviously a polarity overbalancing - instead of remain here as

So it is strange enough to see that I am still facing the same point
of simply sexual desire regardless of the persons - and it is not an
excuse that with my partner it did not work as I wanted - because I
still allowed to compound sexual energy what made me move simply
towards an another woman - instead of not accepting myself as
energetic mind - but to stop and stop and stop and forgive and stop.
So this two letters I will blog out - it is obviously should be out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to
fulfill my desires with woman - instead of realizing that I am here -
and all of my desires comes from the starting point of
self-separation, therefore I wont be fulfilled by following any
I forgive myself that i went into the energetic playout of personality
manifestation by allowing myself to being attracted to any woman even
for a moment - because when I do so - I am not here as breath - but I
am within the energetic mind - what is conditional, preprogrammed and
limited and in fact not real, it is not who I really am - therefore I
realize - all of desires - is not of life. Desire wants me to go there
- but I can be only here.

I forgive myself that I placed trust into G. act about to being
stopped within my act of sexual desire - instead of me myself here I
stop, I direct, I breathe - because as I place my starting point as
trust into something outside of myself - I am not trusting myself here

facing women directly again and compromising my presence with desire part 1

I was actually in a goa festival for some days - it was very intense -
and many times simply experiencing nature as storm and rain and mud as
I had no proper tent by random accidents - so I was busy with avoiding
rain and facing my accepted reality with women -- also I was at some
cool music, I enjoy to dance - but the festival I saw in a very
different eye than before -- last summer I was also there, but then I
was busy with one girl, G. and also I did not consider how money
structures and directs reality -- so at this time this is very much
happened - I will write in blog about how I stopped smiling
unconditionally lol especially when somebody smiles at me --
especially2 when women does that -- also how I saw through the pretty
women lol - as there were thousands - all pretty, nice colorful
clothes, sexy bodyparts shown up all over - but their movement, their
hand-finger movement, their facial expression, their eye, their voice
- exposed all personality - lolol I had to laugh that much that next
day I deliberatedly did "no smile but serious face" practice because
my face muscles got tired from laughing - at people - as at myself as
how I was deluded before - by the "philosophy of goa and ambient and
peace and love and freedom bullshit" and also by the beautiful unique
cool nice and attractive women -- all of these I saw through rigidly
so I was able to see what is behind it and how deeply people are
fucked in all ways - in this festival many dealers are selling acid
and smoke and mdma crystal and speed and all other shit - and of
course alcohol - in roads - people were standing in the center of the
road with a written sign of "ACID | MDMA" table - by advertising that
at them anyone can buy - there were many lolol - I was also with
people who took stuffs...

also about my partner, K. - we did not communicate much before
the festival, but that was obvious that she does not want to stand
directly and seriously - even when she was very unstable - I offered
my stability and she did not want that, rather to use alcohol and
smoke to fly around and to get some gestures from her previous
relationship, so I wrote her some very direct emails and she liked
that style but I explained to her that I am not this type of being the
bossy explainer soldier like person who shares wisdom and hard lashes
by words towards her - simply I did this as she wanted this - but I am
nothing of personality in real - and the more she wanted this - the
more I could walk through this and the less so I was
like, then okay, she should say - no, Tala, no need serious change
support as self honesty - simply I want to have sex sometimes and
watch some movie together -- because I stopped all mind tentacles
towards another women as I saw the opportunity to form something more
"real" with her - but the pressure was obviously too much to her - she
evaded lol - she has cyclic waves within her "mood" and she likes to
visit me when she is in that mood when all is good - but then she goes
down and then she practices solitude, self hatred and self pity and
drinks alcohol until it is obviously a possession and she goes down in
energy shit and then she wants to go up and then she uses methods to
get energy back and then when all is fine - she plays and enjoys and
then all restarts - stupid judgements emotions loops makes her energy
go down -lolol
I noticed this already and made my notes how to realize and open and
expose these as mind and how to stop but she did not want my way...

so I pushed her more and more until many exposed - I expected
something from her - in fact many things - as I was like I want to
build trust with her - but she does not like the idea of I expect
things from her - especially constancy and stability - because she
cant stand that - so I offered her stability by meeting more often -
and have sex more often - she liked the idea but did not want in
"practice" - so we went to the festival but separated - and we met but
I was seriously "hard" with her and I was just going to sleep and she
was very smoked in that moment and she was happy to see me but I did
not - so I told her "enjoy yourself" and left her directly - a bit it
was intense but I did not fly away, but walked walked walked - I was
not in quiet peace somehow - but I did not 'feel' bad - I had to do
this to stand within myself - and to show her that I stand - no matter
what - regardless of personal(ity) stuff and even of desire - as I had
much of sexual desire at that moment towards her but to stand I wanted
more than start to play with her

so I declare this as the end of the second attempt(the first was with
an other girl, G, it was total catastrophe last year) to form
an agreement

it is very obvious that I expect very much from a girl - what noone
can or even want to stand with around me - so I am alone - the sexual
desire was very high, what is obviously of my dishonesty in the moment
- but as i danced - I moved though that so at the moment I do not need
the urge to have sex...

so with this girl I stand within the principle - and if she will
approach me - I stand as principle - agreement in real or I stand all

-- so this was also in the festival -
and then I got sms from the G. girl, who I wrote before, who
with last year I was with at this festival, and who I was about to
offer her to an agreement but she utterly refused me and my approach
to have "intense physical contact" lol
that brought much up from me and I did not accept her delusion about
her spiritual practice and tibetian BS. so I stopped to meet her but
sometimes she seeks after me and then I can work with my past and to
see - still I have desire for her?

So at the festival she approached me, we met and we were together for
about a day - it was fascinating - sometimes I also had desire as I
noticed that I gave a kiss and fondled her tits and her pussy lol when
we did bath together but that was only moments - and I noticed -
something already changed - this and after these - I did not form
energetic compound within me - it was like at the first time I was
with her and when I noticed attraction - I breathed through or self
forgiveness i applied - it was cool - also I see a dishonesty as I
write this - as I was sure that she would not allow to go within this
touch games to the point of sex - so I was sure that I can play with
the situation - I could trust in that - she would not allow sex - and
I was able to express - not expecting, simply touching and speaking -
without sharing knowledge - but I am sure that if she would want sex -
I could not stop...
So it was intense realization that i still hold onto her a bit -- but
not that strong like last year when I had almost total system takeover
- I could stop system forming at this time...
i did not want to sleep with her - but my tent was destroyed by the
storm and it was practical so I accepted her invitation.
Also I had to help on stage in sunday morning - and she enjoys to be
with me but not when I speak of starting point and realizations - and
not when I want direct physical contact more than playing and hugging
- so sometimes we totally disagreed - but I was like - I embrace her -
I did not want to be rude - so we slept nothing special happened,
except I fondled her tits again lol
so after the concert - my another buddy is making cool
ambient - intense professional chill music - and I helped him on stage
- then I decided to come home - it was enough - the girl asked me to
stay with her, but I told her, it is enough - I go home, I rather do
things back there - and also I got utterly burned under sun, my face
skin is already being replaced by a new one....

also in one point with this girl - she was very bitchy simply because
she was hungry - lolol I laughed so much on her when she was playing
the mjaou mjaou cat cry and making like a stubborn 3 years girl - she
obviously wanted me to react with 'okay, I help you, I want to serve
you' - so I was waiting for her energy to go down - patience oh so
much patience is required for humans lol - then I asked her - 'okay,
now can you say what you want directly at least?' - as before I
attempted to ask her but she even did not like my words or tough - I
was completely locked out from her reality and she was sitting and
lying on the floor and playing painful - so after all she was able to
communicate about what is the situation and then got food for her -
but it was like - "I am so glad that she is not my girlfriend" -
nothing of beauty and coolness can overbalance this lack of reality
for almost an hour simply because she get really unbearable and
hysteric when she does not have food - and I told her - you see - 1/3
of humanity always experiences this, you know...

so it was cool to not let her alone in this - I considered that too -
but I realized - what the fuck I wanted from her except sex and her
presence of beauty? lolol

so it is all cool - two intense woman-facing experience passed and I
rather stand as principle and alone - if noone wants to stand as real
agreement -- than I compromise my self honesty

maybe my sexual desire within the city will grow again and then I will
attempt to have sex with other women - but I continue to expose and
stop my dishonesty by moment and moment

ooooooooooooooooh so that was about the festival - I did some vlogs
already before going to the festival but I could not render and upload
so tomorrow I will - more on money and one vote -- it is not that
perfect as I scripted up but the message I stand with

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


At the moment we must expand to become such a directive principle within the current system without any judgement, definition, inner movement or any energetic separation - to embrace, infiltrate, emerge, amalgamate and unify everything of the system within and as ourselves without separation to be able to direct it as ourselves within the starting point of Oneness and Equality as All as One as Equal as Life.
In fact this is a real test of our practical understanding of who we really are within and as the physical and to act within the principle of what is best for all. The more I write about this - the more I see that my accepted personality is in the way - so it must be stopped, released, forgiven and transcended absolutely, constantly in order to become effective as who I really am as Creation.