facing women directly again and compromising my presence with desire part 1

I was actually in a goa festival for some days - it was very intense -
and many times simply experiencing nature as storm and rain and mud as
I had no proper tent by random accidents - so I was busy with avoiding
rain and facing my accepted reality with women -- also I was at some
cool music, I enjoy to dance - but the festival I saw in a very
different eye than before -- last summer I was also there, but then I
was busy with one girl, G. and also I did not consider how money
structures and directs reality -- so at this time this is very much
happened - I will write in blog about how I stopped smiling
unconditionally lol especially when somebody smiles at me --
especially2 when women does that -- also how I saw through the pretty
women lol - as there were thousands - all pretty, nice colorful
clothes, sexy bodyparts shown up all over - but their movement, their
hand-finger movement, their facial expression, their eye, their voice
- exposed all personality - lolol I had to laugh that much that next
day I deliberatedly did "no smile but serious face" practice because
my face muscles got tired from laughing - at people - as at myself as
how I was deluded before - by the "philosophy of goa and ambient and
peace and love and freedom bullshit" and also by the beautiful unique
cool nice and attractive women -- all of these I saw through rigidly
so I was able to see what is behind it and how deeply people are
fucked in all ways - in this festival many dealers are selling acid
and smoke and mdma crystal and speed and all other shit - and of
course alcohol - in roads - people were standing in the center of the
road with a written sign of "ACID | MDMA" table - by advertising that
at them anyone can buy - there were many lolol - I was also with
people who took stuffs...
lol..

also about my partner, K. - we did not communicate much before
the festival, but that was obvious that she does not want to stand
directly and seriously - even when she was very unstable - I offered
my stability and she did not want that, rather to use alcohol and
smoke to fly around and to get some gestures from her previous
relationship, so I wrote her some very direct emails and she liked
that style but I explained to her that I am not this type of being the
bossy explainer soldier like person who shares wisdom and hard lashes
by words towards her - simply I did this as she wanted this - but I am
nothing of personality in real - and the more she wanted this - the
more I could walk through this and the less remains...lol so I was
like, then okay, she should say - no, Tala, no need serious change
support as self honesty - simply I want to have sex sometimes and
watch some movie together -- because I stopped all mind tentacles
towards another women as I saw the opportunity to form something more
"real" with her - but the pressure was obviously too much to her - she
evaded lol - she has cyclic waves within her "mood" and she likes to
visit me when she is in that mood when all is good - but then she goes
down and then she practices solitude, self hatred and self pity and
drinks alcohol until it is obviously a possession and she goes down in
energy shit and then she wants to go up and then she uses methods to
get energy back and then when all is fine - she plays and enjoys and
then all restarts - stupid judgements emotions loops makes her energy
go down -lolol
I noticed this already and made my notes how to realize and open and
expose these as mind and how to stop but she did not want my way...

so I pushed her more and more until many exposed - I expected
something from her - in fact many things - as I was like I want to
build trust with her - but she does not like the idea of I expect
things from her - especially constancy and stability - because she
cant stand that - so I offered her stability by meeting more often -
and have sex more often - she liked the idea but did not want in
"practice" - so we went to the festival but separated - and we met but
I was seriously "hard" with her and I was just going to sleep and she
was very smoked in that moment and she was happy to see me but I did
not - so I told her "enjoy yourself" and left her directly - a bit it
was intense but I did not fly away, but walked walked walked - I was
not in quiet peace somehow - but I did not 'feel' bad - I had to do
this to stand within myself - and to show her that I stand - no matter
what - regardless of personal(ity) stuff and even of desire - as I had
much of sexual desire at that moment towards her but to stand I wanted
more than start to play with her

so I declare this as the end of the second attempt(the first was with
an other girl, G, it was total catastrophe last year) to form
an agreement

it is very obvious that I expect very much from a girl - what noone
can or even want to stand with around me - so I am alone - the sexual
desire was very high, what is obviously of my dishonesty in the moment
- but as i danced - I moved though that so at the moment I do not need
the urge to have sex...

so with this girl I stand within the principle - and if she will
approach me - I stand as principle - agreement in real or I stand all
alone

-- so this was also in the festival -
and then I got sms from the G. girl, who I wrote before, who
with last year I was with at this festival, and who I was about to
offer her to an agreement but she utterly refused me and my approach
to have "intense physical contact" lol
that brought much up from me and I did not accept her delusion about
her spiritual practice and tibetian BS. so I stopped to meet her but
sometimes she seeks after me and then I can work with my past and to
see - still I have desire for her?

So at the festival she approached me, we met and we were together for
about a day - it was fascinating - sometimes I also had desire as I
noticed that I gave a kiss and fondled her tits and her pussy lol when
we did bath together but that was only moments - and I noticed -
something already changed - this and after these - I did not form
energetic compound within me - it was like at the first time I was
with her and when I noticed attraction - I breathed through or self
forgiveness i applied - it was cool - also I see a dishonesty as I
write this - as I was sure that she would not allow to go within this
touch games to the point of sex - so I was sure that I can play with
the situation - I could trust in that - she would not allow sex - and
I was able to express - not expecting, simply touching and speaking -
without sharing knowledge - but I am sure that if she would want sex -
I could not stop...
So it was intense realization that i still hold onto her a bit -- but
not that strong like last year when I had almost total system takeover
- I could stop system forming at this time...
i did not want to sleep with her - but my tent was destroyed by the
storm and it was practical so I accepted her invitation.
Also I had to help on stage in sunday morning - and she enjoys to be
with me but not when I speak of starting point and realizations - and
not when I want direct physical contact more than playing and hugging
- so sometimes we totally disagreed - but I was like - I embrace her -
I did not want to be rude - so we slept nothing special happened,
except I fondled her tits again lol
so after the concert - my another buddy is making cool
ambient - intense professional chill music - and I helped him on stage
- then I decided to come home - it was enough - the girl asked me to
stay with her, but I told her, it is enough - I go home, I rather do
things back there - and also I got utterly burned under sun, my face
skin is already being replaced by a new one....

also in one point with this girl - she was very bitchy simply because
she was hungry - lolol I laughed so much on her when she was playing
the mjaou mjaou cat cry and making like a stubborn 3 years girl - she
obviously wanted me to react with 'okay, I help you, I want to serve
you' - so I was waiting for her energy to go down - patience oh so
much patience is required for humans lol - then I asked her - 'okay,
now can you say what you want directly at least?' - as before I
attempted to ask her but she even did not like my words or tough - I
was completely locked out from her reality and she was sitting and
lying on the floor and playing painful - so after all she was able to
communicate about what is the situation and then got food for her -
but it was like - "I am so glad that she is not my girlfriend" -
nothing of beauty and coolness can overbalance this lack of reality
for almost an hour simply because she get really unbearable and
hysteric when she does not have food - and I told her - you see - 1/3
of humanity always experiences this, you know...

so it was cool to not let her alone in this - I considered that too -
but I realized - what the fuck I wanted from her except sex and her
presence of beauty? lolol

so it is all cool - two intense woman-facing experience passed and I
rather stand as principle and alone - if noone wants to stand as real
agreement -- than I compromise my self honesty

maybe my sexual desire within the city will grow again and then I will
attempt to have sex with other women - but I continue to expose and
stop my dishonesty by moment and moment

ooooooooooooooooh so that was about the festival - I did some vlogs
already before going to the festival but I could not render and upload
so tomorrow I will - more on money and one vote -- it is not that
perfect as I scripted up but the message I stand with

ok

ok I went to the train station and I met with Gy - I was not sure about she is coming with that train at 10:18 but 50% was reasonable. I like the train station - it has this huge space where the reverb and echoes are infinitely smooth - this analogue effect what I always look after within software effects and never find...
So I met with her and I told her that I was coming to put the dot onto the i.
She told me that she was thinking about call me several times while the train was coming into Budapest but then she did not call me. However she was happy to see me but I felt that is not really the case - ok it was like that but something was pulling her... I was like - ok I have to move, I have to continously push myself to being directive so I spoke up.
I was explaining to her what agreement we could form if we want - and she was telling that she does not want relationship. I had to correct this as I do not want relationship and why I do not want, and then she said she does not want anybody to be with at all. Then I asked her about why she did not consider to meet me at the end of the week and then she told me that she was kissing with an other boy and then she did not wanted to meet me to having faced with this confusion within her or being embarrassed. Then I told her that then all decided, let's get this over and then it's all right. And also she told me that she does not want to kiss with that guy but in fact with me as well - and I felt like that's it - I have to express - so I told that we could assist each other really and then she told me that she is already being assisted by me and it is all right, and to be 'friends' and I told her that for me means nothing, either I want absolutely nothing if everything can not be done.
So this point came upon and we walked and spoke this over and over and then also I asked why she does not want to be with me and she told me maybe then she would want to be with me more and more but she wants to be focussed on what she wants, as degreework, job, meditation, friends etc.
I told her that something bothered me and I did not tell her that I experienced that she is living in a bubble and not facing with the world, for long time I asked her to watch earthlings, those videos and consider things, but she always said that she has no time for this, but she wants it - and I told her that she is the time - she is creating for what she wants...
So this was the point we reached her door, and I told her then I would not see her for a while because this would be shitty for me, and I have to be self-honest - so that friendship what would mean to meet once in two weeks - this is not what I can be in really - so I rather not do this, so then we exposed ourselves - and then we kissed a big loong deep and then I told her that it is very cool to sleep with her and she told me also that she enjoys to sleep with me as well - and then she went in and I walked away.
Moments later I deleted her number from my phone - and then she called me as she has a basket what is at my place and she wants that and she said that she agrees with me to not meet now. I agreed and the conversation was over.

Points were revealed - I was desiring to have sex with her - probably because she is so fascinatingly seriously similar with me from a point - like I was around 5 years ago - however she looked like somebody who could be self-expressive if she wants...
Anyways - this was like closing down an era within me and I am grateful that I trust me and I was able to open myself up even with the possibility to being 'rejected'.
I was fearing from being rejected since elementary school - and I had this huge trouble with facing this - directly, what could touch each part of me, that 'no, this wont happen' - like hitting with an axe onto my forehead - painful but makes me really-really sober within a glimpse of millisecond.

So I am here - what I am here? I am here as breath.
I breath - I breathe I breath and I breath.
Letting go of fear of being rejected - already done - fear from being exposed that I am a human - fearing from being vulnerable - done - fear from being opened to a certain point where I can be who I am - or what I became - to bring this up to realize.
The pointer finger of my right hand is itchy - self direction I am.
Self direction I am.
Self direction I am. and of couse - Self direction I am.
I was also able to smiling, and not being this hard, really serious-faced motherkiller tuned when we talked - ok I was not laughing and smiling but this was not the situation to do so - so it was ok.

It is assiting to go trough the Veno-self forgiveness: relationship again - to be ensured and see what points I am facing and why and how and what to do.

That thing that I had many plans with this girl - she is so capable of many things - but without changing - meaningless waste of time -- but without oneness and equality -- it is a delusional self-deception.
As that I see this like that - I am having trouble to see this trough - so let's stop this girl thing for a moment and will se how and who I am within this situation.
Anyways much things I can do --

the word list on hungarian and self forgiveness -- also the word-purifier - I really should continue to do!!!
I direct myself to take time to write hungarian words to dissolve definitions
I direct myself to take time to use word-purifier to be aware of associations to release them by applying self forgiveness.
I direct myself to do my second job as three points remained from the bug list and I want to do those to be able to move onto the next one.
Also I direct myself to work more precisely at my first workplace - and not being possessed with that - but when it is time - going to home and not being upset about spending too much time at there.
Also to have this 2 things: the music DAW and the camera - first one to make music - and second to learn being film photographer and maybe doing vlog again.
It is done
I am here
I am greatful of Gy and I am greatful that I am not deceptive and I am here and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider to influence her mind to want me - I did not do that - this intent is really powerful and I am not even able to realize how much my self will can influence the whole existence - but for what? for having this girl - even when I considered her some kind of compatible with me -- I am not doing this..

This darkness I spoke today with Cica - she felt with Spoon and I realized that this is when somebody is experiencing something deep within - and because of being with the other - of course she bound this event to Spoon - but in fact she had this within and as herself.
And also I told her that this is all right, all polarities are of the mind and we have to embrace all and not only the light and love definitions to follow - and I told her Gy told this to me once as well - but within the darkness - the real self can be experienced - the darkness is the real - the light is the deception - from a perspective - but not of the definitions of mind --
Anyways - I bound this darkness with the reall strong will or intent -- when I have this - I really-really want something - this can overcome and I feel like I have this power to get what I want - but this would make me blind and iron-like - and this I do not want - however I will have to continue to explore this as this is who I am - and Embracing myself as presence - has to come to awareness as well...

thanks, enjoy, bye

- any response?