Sunday, October 4, 2009


ok I went to the train station and I met with Gy - I was not sure about she is coming with that train at 10:18 but 50% was reasonable. I like the train station - it has this huge space where the reverb and echoes are infinitely smooth - this analogue effect what I always look after within software effects and never find...
So I met with her and I told her that I was coming to put the dot onto the i.
She told me that she was thinking about call me several times while the train was coming into Budapest but then she did not call me. However she was happy to see me but I felt that is not really the case - ok it was like that but something was pulling her... I was like - ok I have to move, I have to continously push myself to being directive so I spoke up.
I was explaining to her what agreement we could form if we want - and she was telling that she does not want relationship. I had to correct this as I do not want relationship and why I do not want, and then she said she does not want anybody to be with at all. Then I asked her about why she did not consider to meet me at the end of the week and then she told me that she was kissing with an other boy and then she did not wanted to meet me to having faced with this confusion within her or being embarrassed. Then I told her that then all decided, let's get this over and then it's all right. And also she told me that she does not want to kiss with that guy but in fact with me as well - and I felt like that's it - I have to express - so I told that we could assist each other really and then she told me that she is already being assisted by me and it is all right, and to be 'friends' and I told her that for me means nothing, either I want absolutely nothing if everything can not be done.
So this point came upon and we walked and spoke this over and over and then also I asked why she does not want to be with me and she told me maybe then she would want to be with me more and more but she wants to be focussed on what she wants, as degreework, job, meditation, friends etc.
I told her that something bothered me and I did not tell her that I experienced that she is living in a bubble and not facing with the world, for long time I asked her to watch earthlings, those videos and consider things, but she always said that she has no time for this, but she wants it - and I told her that she is the time - she is creating for what she wants...
So this was the point we reached her door, and I told her then I would not see her for a while because this would be shitty for me, and I have to be self-honest - so that friendship what would mean to meet once in two weeks - this is not what I can be in really - so I rather not do this, so then we exposed ourselves - and then we kissed a big loong deep and then I told her that it is very cool to sleep with her and she told me also that she enjoys to sleep with me as well - and then she went in and I walked away.
Moments later I deleted her number from my phone - and then she called me as she has a basket what is at my place and she wants that and she said that she agrees with me to not meet now. I agreed and the conversation was over.

Points were revealed - I was desiring to have sex with her - probably because she is so fascinatingly seriously similar with me from a point - like I was around 5 years ago - however she looked like somebody who could be self-expressive if she wants...
Anyways - this was like closing down an era within me and I am grateful that I trust me and I was able to open myself up even with the possibility to being 'rejected'.
I was fearing from being rejected since elementary school - and I had this huge trouble with facing this - directly, what could touch each part of me, that 'no, this wont happen' - like hitting with an axe onto my forehead - painful but makes me really-really sober within a glimpse of millisecond.

So I am here - what I am here? I am here as breath.
I breath - I breathe I breath and I breath.
Letting go of fear of being rejected - already done - fear from being exposed that I am a human - fearing from being vulnerable - done - fear from being opened to a certain point where I can be who I am - or what I became - to bring this up to realize.
The pointer finger of my right hand is itchy - self direction I am.
Self direction I am.
Self direction I am. and of couse - Self direction I am.
I was also able to smiling, and not being this hard, really serious-faced motherkiller tuned when we talked - ok I was not laughing and smiling but this was not the situation to do so - so it was ok.

It is assiting to go trough the Veno-self forgiveness: relationship again - to be ensured and see what points I am facing and why and how and what to do.

That thing that I had many plans with this girl - she is so capable of many things - but without changing - meaningless waste of time -- but without oneness and equality -- it is a delusional self-deception.
As that I see this like that - I am having trouble to see this trough - so let's stop this girl thing for a moment and will se how and who I am within this situation.
Anyways much things I can do --

the word list on hungarian and self forgiveness -- also the word-purifier - I really should continue to do!!!
I direct myself to take time to write hungarian words to dissolve definitions
I direct myself to take time to use word-purifier to be aware of associations to release them by applying self forgiveness.
I direct myself to do my second job as three points remained from the bug list and I want to do those to be able to move onto the next one.
Also I direct myself to work more precisely at my first workplace - and not being possessed with that - but when it is time - going to home and not being upset about spending too much time at there.
Also to have this 2 things: the music DAW and the camera - first one to make music - and second to learn being film photographer and maybe doing vlog again.
It is done
I am here
I am greatful of Gy and I am greatful that I am not deceptive and I am here and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider to influence her mind to want me - I did not do that - this intent is really powerful and I am not even able to realize how much my self will can influence the whole existence - but for what? for having this girl - even when I considered her some kind of compatible with me -- I am not doing this..

This darkness I spoke today with Cica - she felt with Spoon and I realized that this is when somebody is experiencing something deep within - and because of being with the other - of course she bound this event to Spoon - but in fact she had this within and as herself.
And also I told her that this is all right, all polarities are of the mind and we have to embrace all and not only the light and love definitions to follow - and I told her Gy told this to me once as well - but within the darkness - the real self can be experienced - the darkness is the real - the light is the deception - from a perspective - but not of the definitions of mind --
Anyways - I bound this darkness with the reall strong will or intent -- when I have this - I really-really want something - this can overcome and I feel like I have this power to get what I want - but this would make me blind and iron-like - and this I do not want - however I will have to continue to explore this as this is who I am - and Embracing myself as presence - has to come to awareness as well...

thanks, enjoy, bye

- any response?

No comments: