Sunday, October 4, 2009

self direction as breath

Here today I recon-tinue the day by day blogging.
What happened since ten days - I was exploring how to be natural expression without concepts.
These concepts - I built up previously and when I push myself - I can step trough/over these - sometimes not instanteniously, but with a discipline stand - and it still falls -- falls from a perspective that I allow myself to define, I allow myself to

first of all
--listen/take care/consider/obey that what I am experiencing inside of me - and not within the body -- thoughts, feelings, emotions.
it is fascinating to explore how there are situations when I am immediately aware of that I am suppressing/deceiving myself -- and there are points where I am still not even aware that I am of self-dishonesty.
For instance -- when I allow myself to wonder about a woman -- it is obvious that I am projecting and allowing myself to desire and define what I see and by definition - I react.

But when I am speaking up to somebody -- today it happened when I was speaking to my exgirlfriend - and I was expressing myself about what would mean to take self responsibility -- and then I realised that other 2 beings are listening around me and then it was not obvious that this influenced me -- and after some sentences - I did not give attention to this 'fact' - as it would not be different -- but the deception was not obvious at first -- that @I was considering about how or whom I speak@ - because I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my speak according to whom I speak - instead of being here and constantly me - regardless of whom...

But as I considered this for a moment - it may come reality - but in fact - didnt - so self forgiveness is required to be ensured that this point is clear and make me aware that next time I will be 'seamless' - and trusting myself that when I speak - I speak as to the whole existence as myself as one as equal. Sounds great, but practically how to apply?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider who I must be according to whom I speak.

It should not mean of course that I would say the same to everyone -- but not to fly away when I realize - many listen to me.
Self judgement can occur when I react as - ' ok - to speak is easy - to live ! it's a different story!' - it is separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about I am speaking - instead of realizing that when I am speaking the words as one as equal - the speak is act, the speak is self-expression, the speak is life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the quantity of beings are listening to me - instead of realizing that regardless the number of beings - I am here.

As I previously judged teachers, gurus etc as they are speaking to many beings - and I was defined the 'wise' or 'great' bullshit about these, because there are many-many humans who are intending to listen these people to speak.
The desire arised to speak to many beings? Not speficially, but sometimes yes - because to tell them what I explored, to share who I am, to share what I realized - to see it is real. to see, that am I able to speak of what I experienced - or it is something what I can not express?
In the past there were numberless(hundreds) of experiences what I could not describe well before - and this a bit made me invalidating these - because if I can not put these into words - than how can I be sure that it was real? What 'worthy' was to have these if I am not able to share, if I am not able to bring here?

This 'worth' can be also a trap - what worth? If something I can not speak up, or I rather define it unworthy - then what? I can not deny any moment or prioritize by anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moments according to worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put into words every experience what I defined as 'intense'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any moment is the same intensity as I am here as the awareness of life or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy as intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy as profound, mystic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to describe and define any experience I have - instead of being here and not 'stepping back' or 'looking back' in order to define to be able to define 'another looking backs'.
Because as I do it - a wave occurs within the water - the surface breaks - and it is waving and influences the whole existence! And as I define again - another wave - and wave after wave after wave - I am waving - and nothing else remains but waves of myself - instead of experiencing what is actually here.

Breath - morning - thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in the morning as thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as me as moment as me as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I wake up - instead of immediately stop and stand up and act and be here within and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about specific points in order to 'get energetized' to be able to start up as mind consciousness system -- instead of being here as moment as breath as expression without any inner reaction.

This came when I was kid and I was planning the day - when the hardeness I experienced - to move to school early - to be there and to be able to direct myself - but it was not a direct self-direction -- it was indirect and by thoughts and energy - I was merely listening to an idealistic myself what I built up to be able to deceive myself about who I am and what to do and what is this world.
Because of fear, because of fear of failure, because of fear of rejection, because of fear of pain, because fear of horror etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from what I experience or I could experience. Instead of realizing that I experience here - is the consequences of my past deeds, words, thoughts. And if I do not change - these will intensify.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to compute all possible probabilities/variables before I act - to be able to be as a computer what plays chess - - instead of realizing that this is always limited - because it is limited to my perception of the past.

I have to scratch my belly in these days - strange - I can even laugh when I see that I am scratching myself at a bit downer than my bellybutton and mostly on the right side.
Maybe bugbite. Whatever.

I was within the hope of directing something to be done - and I was hoping in others as I have to ask others to make a paper filled with specific datas in order to get a software on half price. And I was hoping that Gy will help but one month passed and she asked also others and they did not do that.
I asked her to offer them around 20 euros but she laughed. Then myself asked others to do so, because I need this more and more to be able to do what I want - according to music.

With Gy - the desire after her really reduced - as I spoke with her and also I had to realize that this was too much how I wanted her -- since then - we met once - it was big fun and great kisses and of course not more.
My exgirlfriend and other people who refer me as friend - are having fun with me when they realize that 'tala still did not fucked with her' - and then I was able to see what this would mean to me.

I mean - the mean of man - hehe

Spoon told me that when he sleeps with a girl, something must happen and I laughed on that, that would be so seriously rigid - but then I came to the understanding why he would be like that.
I never was - I slept with many girls before without even touching them.
Of course many times I experienced that the girls were kind of opened but I was like - if something happens by itself - then let it be but of course rarely happened...
This was like most of the girls are behaving - waiting for the good instead of being self-directive.
Hmm and then with Gy - she obviously did not want to have literal sex with me when we slept together - but in fact I even did not try -- because the 'optimal' would be that both of us are on the same starting point of exploring and expressing without anything.
But when I was playing with her - she was teased, she liked it - but from above - from her head - the statement came icely cold - NO.
So I was like - ok, then if it's like - then no - how would be the whole thing with this kind of attitude? But then the question comes that why I want to have sex with her - even with this situation?
Somehow I still have the hope that with sex maybe she would reconsider to be with me within an agreement - or not directly in an agreement - but within something what can be changed to an angreement - or simply we would expose ourselves and assisting ourselves and each other until it lasts.
So this desire I have to purify as this is kind of manipulation - why and how I want her for what?
I did not see her since one week and she is having big time trouble dealing with time - she is always running of time - cant do her tasks, and having no time for she would like - so rarely we meet -- and I offered her much-much things to do together and she always looks like she is really interested - but very rarely happens something.
The expectation I had to dissolve intensely about her - yet when we met - we were having time as a couple - for some hours and then good bye.
So it was weird - she dealt with me as she even told me - that it is so intense to be with me that it takes the whole of her - a total Gy is required to be able to with me and I asked that why it would be a problem and she said that it is totally different than her job, friends etc and she can not switch this by a breath - so she told me that we could meet on a day when she does not go to work next day.

I stated this as the lack of the equality between ourselves so then I said well - I gave this up and I do not seek her really - but sometimes I did when I was not aware -- and we spoke on phone about a half an hour.
But I realize that this is not really oneness and equality - I even had a moment when I was considering that how I would get her onto the intention to meet with me more often - and after this - I was exposed to myself.

I am sure that I can assist her within her 'time-management/self-direction' but she wants it all alone, she is so stubborn as I was when I was 25.

As long I have inner reaction - this can be assisting - when I am self-honest - but absolute self-honest. When not - then compounding shit will hit me. As once it happened - I was emotionally charged and I felt like fuck the whole world all crap, I wanted to leave this city immediately but I could not - because of the job, lack of money etc.

In fact what would change if we would have sex - not much - one occasion would not make a big difference - but it would be assisting to do this kind of expression with somebody who I can open myself up and also she could do the same - and I found her to be a good one for this - but maybe of previously formed desires. But then the whole thing is compromised and I am fucked if I continue this shit all along until I leave the country.

Also at job place I told to my boss that I would really appreciate a longer vacation - without salary - instead of having absolutely enogh and leaving the company. He was not happy but at least he said he will consider this.

Today with my exgirlfriend were lying on the park under sunshine and there were some rainbow guys and spoke about natural sexual expression and having problem within society and they asked me about the community where I was in Füssen where they are living in matriarchy.
Then they left and with Cica we did big hugs and having fun and peeing and it was big fun to hold her and raise - she was so light as a child.

So some scripting up before end:
-screenplay - many aspects formed already - have to see in written
-I started a text video about breath -push it until it's finished
-work for second
-be absolutely self honest - especially with situations about/with Gy - not be afraid to be direct - if she would step back - then she will do it - but I express and if is too much then it is. Stop desiring after her - the more I desire - the more she slips away. Then the point comes that if I do not seek her - we do not meet - then it should be all right. Here are other woman also if I want to explore sexual expression with somebody who I can be one and equal. Self-direction.

There should be some situations when I must push myself to a direction to avoid suppressions - as I did this before regarding to sex -- simply not being aroused by pictures and sounds - but when I experience this movement inside of me - then let space to it to express without judgement. Stop fearing from what would happen if I sleep with a girl and we do something together. Let's see it and take consequences and be responsible and self honest and forgive and change.

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