dayto

This day as to day but not to die.


Morning rush for dentist - 2 different doctor, at 8:15 and 10:45 - both gives painkiller syringe into mouth - ironic but pains for a moment a HUGE and then it is numb for half day - left and right both are fucked - since third week I go - and today I was like this is getting too much - but what to do but breath - interesting -- no it's deep fascinating to observer myself within this so defined 'unpleasant' situation - how I tend to escape and what specific illusion I pull onto and as myself to not be HERE?

Chestburn - when breath I suppress - or mechanically trying to manipulate as a robot - I feel twisting limitation from inside - and then I breathe - as I grab the rope when I already fall 00010010010011

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody-s face is too close and I define it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face...

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion - by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath - and if I suppress breath - I suppress myself.

It can happen at workplace, at dentist when he was deep inside in my mouth and it is cool to face with this - several times came to surface within myself but I never expressed out - cool.
I am pushing myself trough this

When I am with a girl for instance - with Gy - I was observing that this 'issue' does not comes up - she did not tell that my breath would be disturbing - in fact why it would be? So it is a fear from an illusion what I carried since childhood.

Because there were for instance occasions when I felt somebody's breath was stinky - was drunk or after a womit or cigarette or simply was unpleasant for me in that moment - and I definet and then I defined myself also...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use other's presence as an excuse to not breath naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath - as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody's face is too close and I defined this as it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider ethics instead of trusting me here as breath without any idea or knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion - by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath - and if I suppress breath - I suppress myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath - as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what the chestburn would mean - because I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I suppress the breath as me and I try to manipulate the breath in order to experience specific energetic experiences - to avoid direct experience of what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse life by suppressing the breath of me as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the pain here is the consequence of my acceptance and allowance - so instead of suppressing it ad escaping from the experience - would be assisting to open myself up and realize what is what I did not realize.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope - even for those what people usually take granted - such as what they paid for or what they already possess - instead of realizing that I am here as expression within and as this body as one as equal as all.