As years passed - I experienced the self-image can easily be shattered or exploded for specific moments when I had huge releases of these self-determined point of views according to my fears, illusions, desires, anger, transformed depression etc...
Then I started to wonder how to live? How to love? What is real, what is here? Within specific circumstances - I realized that the silence of the mind can be stabilized with some physical acts - such as psychedelic drugs, zen meditation or trance-dance -- however these were strongly conditional and I was not able to remain inner silent - I was aware of that not myself have the lack of will to do so -- but the starting point of myself was not me as life as breath - but some fancy idea from other (and already dead) people.
I was always fighting against this inner dialogues - I was fighting against my thoughts - I became a master of suppressing these, but absolutely I never could destroy or vanish these specific fear-based expressions within myself. Attention-divertion and suppression made me being directed from outside and when all my inner shit was copounded to a certain extent - it always hit back me intensely.
So I fell - and then I hit the bottom and then I restarted this trial for the goal of inner peace and then I fell big - meanwhile I was in a loose contact with the remainings of my family - and most of them became already ruined by their so called 'life', by their delusions about themselves...
I started to realize what is to be human - as I started to assume that I am lieing to myself - I became quite paranoid and sceptic - I can say - this stoicism I pushed more and more and I've realized that the most important leak is that I can not trust within myself because it looks like everything is of delusion.
When I was introduced to self-forgiveness - what is being strongly suggested for all by desteni.co.za, I was like 'I want this, I do not know how to forgive, but I want - I want to forgive myself all'.
I had to realize that all my ideas about demons, humans were illusions -- a demon is not a bloody, evil entity what ruins around because it has nothing else to do -- more likely it's a being apparently lost within and as consciousness systems -- being possessed with some self-projected ideas about themselves, about the world...
When a human is being stuck with a point within it's head - it can be an emotion, a thought or a feeling - and it is always influencing, directing the being's point of view/act/expression -- that being can be referred as demon.
Practically all humans are like this -- demons - the deManized beings are behaving like programmed entities and doing their very predictable limited movements all around the planet. They are incapable of being aware of what is really happening here - because of the strongly possessed precious self-image they keep up with the continous participation of self-dishonesty such as thoughts, emotions, feelings -- and by these - they are not different than organic robots -- even with the fact that the life essence they carry - it is suppressed, so only with enormous loss and pain can be broken the self-created shield -- what is here to protect themselves from the truth - that they are not living.
That's why humans can easily be directed - by their 'own' dishonesty - and oneness and equality always prevails - it is specific - as above so below...
With writing - and self-honesty -- I had to realize - I've became a demon - or more likely - I have developed several personalities what can be called as demons - and when I am not here as breath as inner silence as self as expression without any idea from consciousness -- I am a demonic expression...
It is an irony that within the computer world, there are demons as well - within linux and unix operating systems - there are demons what are doing their job - for instance demons are sending the mails, etc.
The solution for the inner silence is not to suppress, divert or destroy the inner movements such as thoughts, feelings, emotions - but to open myself and see it's core, how I am accepting myself as this literal 'whole-moment-shattering' expressions what are in fact - 'in-press I on'-s...
And realize - how I am responsible for this and why I allowed this to happen and then I can ask the question for myself that:
-Am I willing to change right here or I lie to myself again?
Self forgiveness can be a good self-reflection point - to see - am I really changing or I am only playing with the idea of changing myself from deMan to Man.
With writing for instance - I am expressing myself as words - as one as equal - and when I realize the self-dishonesty - I apply the forgiveness for releasing that obsession with that specific idea of myself -- and slowly but surely I release these demonic preferences such as fear, anger etc...
Daring to step without fear, taking the breath without attempting to leave the physical within my head - I am here. And being able to open myself to realize what demonic expression I accept and allow -- and by forgiving - I am able to explore practical solution to stop this madness - and I LIVE myself and embracing all dishonesties... Unnecessary to be limited by fear - so facing with demons equals facing with myself - and assisting myself as the demon as one as equal - and stand.
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