Monday, April 29, 2013

[JTL 35] Difficulty: When I am suppressing?


To see when I am suppressing and when I am not reacting to already manifested consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define difficult at times to see the difference of what to do regarding to not suppressing the shit verus not reacting to already manifested consequences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from consequences of suppressing emotional supressions within that trying to stop manifest more consequences by being aware of what I am doing and how I am responsible for manifesting more consequences what I fear from suppressing again.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within suppressing emotions(to make sure it is not misunderstood in this context, specifically referring emotions as negative energetic movements - in opposite towards positive feelings) to experience feelings in order to remain the fine-tuned happiness-seeking organic robot machine - I am trying to play a some sort of superhero consciousness like taking all the hits and bullets into my body, shaking for a moment then by absorbing just acting like not happened except the moment it hits and going forward where I decided to go without applying common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I decide I play that I am bound to that - regardless of what is common sense and in fact what would be the best for all(participants).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always try to do what I decide and it is what I want and what I want is what I will manifest and that's it and within that I try to superimpose my want into physical reality - and if it will not work - then I will face the consequences - and not realizing that absorbing emotional storms into and as my human physical cells is not the solution because only being aware of the emotions for a moment and in the next I am apparently clear - however not being aware of that by actions I manifest physical consequences not only in my body but in reality as well what can not be changed once it's done.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down and remain here to be able to see within myself what I am doing and why in every moment of every breath therefore allowing myself to be occupied within reactions and wondering about is it right what I do or what would be the best way to do meanwhile within physical I continue deliberately
-remain not sure that what I do is suppressing or
-just being busy 'proving myself to not react to already manifested consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I do not react to something what bothers me, it will immediately be removed from my life and I will be free and not realizing that I must change within completely and I must direct my reality as equal as one without inner reaction and where is uncertainty, self direction within absolute self-honesty is lacking.

EQAFE support on absorbing and suppressing versus realizing within and as the physical:

When and as I am not sure I am doing what really I want and finding it difficult - I stop, I breathe, I let everything go and if it keeps coming back, or I see that I shall write it down and work it through with self-honest writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitment - then I am already clear what I am going to do and I am allowing myself to enjoy to explore self-honesty within such action without any condition, energy, reaction.


Saturday, April 27, 2013

[JTL 34] Self-forgiveness: Facing what is difficult and why?

Continuing on decomposing Self-accepted definitions and automatism about the word: DIFFICULT.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing from difficulty, even when not really seeing it within conscious mind but for instance manifesting it as personality for instance not directly facing specific things or people just because defining that or them as 'uncomfortable' or 'not really wanting to do so' or wanting to find solutions other way around - or apparently 'forgetting it' when it would matter to do so - in fact I fear from difficulty - and I suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from difficulty regarding to money questions, issues, businesses because defining it as uncomfortable, avoidable, not really my style, below my interest or 'having too less chance' and not realizing that I manifested this personality not directly fearing from the things what required in order to stabilize my financial status but the definitions I've allow within myself to come up automatically regarding to the word difficulty, to the circumstances regarding to difficulty, for instance about money, women and directly expressing myself as I want but judging it as too raw for others so then holding myself back and not really saying, doing so what and how I want in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within holding myself back in fact I am manifesting limitations with what facing I am experiencing frustration and within that compounding emotions what I suppress and then compounding, mostly anger towards myself transformed into a some formed of suppressed depression within what I do not act, move and direct myself immediately when I experience the need to do so within myself because of the self-accepted programming of self-definitions automatically make me behave in the way what with I can face the less difficulty and uncomfortably and wanting to equate it with pleasant and apparently self-defined as 'good' feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ever realize that by generating good feelings I actually actively do support my own negative feelings by energizing the whole mind within my human physical body and within the mind all the wired habits and automatic energetic movements fuel and boost all parts of my mind equally what I do not see because the the occupation of pursuit of good feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I disregard my human physical body here - then I am giving away the only possible solution for myself to stop all delusions here because within physical stability it is only possible and without physical flesh body - I am not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize experiences beyond my human physical body here and all what is already here.

I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to realize why I am literally bound to feel good and make myself to manifest situations wherein I MUST feel good but within the starting point of energy, of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within always working with energy and juggling with all the positive and negative energy I have manifested myself as completely missing the life force within and as myself who I really am here as the flesh as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that until I do not forgive and let go practically all self-definitions regarding to what I've defined as feeling good - I am literally bound to and as the polarities of energetic mind as who I've programmed myself to be to suppress life from the physical as consciousness system what will not last when the body dies - only consequences of disregarding all life here.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that all thoughts within represent a self-dishonesty within myself but I've been taught and formed by society and then others in a way what promotes suppression, thinking and the mind to dominate real physical body here - and anyone says that I should accept thoughts is clearly lost in oblivion and can not be taken seriously at all until proven to be standing here within and as the physical.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of believing of others that thinking is alright and thinking is directly myself - because within giving into something what apparently all other does - feels good but in fact I start to suppress a some sort of anger towards myself because of the self-acceptance of insanity within by myself I am busy manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define difficulty as uncomfortable and unpleasant because within my past I've defined it as so within not realizing that because I've defined myself as unable to change, unable to solve, unable to comprehend, unable to embrace and unable to direct the subject of that specific 'difficulty' without investigating it and myself within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain specific things within my life as normal, easy, eased, simple, natural - with what I do not face difficulty - only as challenging, fascination, motivation - and 'having' certain aspects and areas within my life what I've defined as difficult, uncomfortable, frustrating, avoidable.

I am going to continue with the investigation of the challenging/difficult polarities defined within me towards these aspects and areas of my life.

For perspective:

Thursday, April 25, 2013

[JTL 33] Excuses and justifications in every moment

Last time I've wrote about how I've allowed myself to program myself to fear from failure within self-definition of difficulty and limiting myself at scenarios when I automatically react with thoughts/feelings/emotions with no self-trust, no self-integrity.

I will continue in the next moment writing the necessary steps to stop the insanity within myself by directing myself and my mind as thoughts+feelings+emotions to eventually unify and stop myself right here in and as every moment of every breath, but this moment I express my point of view of the 'character of the human being' to directly see how I am and within what relationship I stand with this within and without in and as the reality as the Physical.

These Self-forgiveness statements assist and support me to become aware of what I've been doing within myself and the solution is simply remain here and stop and commit myself to not go into the same reactions by scripting myself 'up' so to speak for simply re-program myself to become aware that I can choose to not participate and explore what is beyond self-definitions within fear.
Self-corrective and Self-commitment statements assist and support me to prepare myself in the moment within the physical participation in the Self-dishonesty - to remember that I've been doing this a while and within Self-honesty and exploring writing in Self-intimacy through applying Self-forgiveness I can in fact stop and change.

However the real, physical application of Self-forgiveness is required when I am within the choice of participating within the self-accepted program again - or to stop - but for to be able to stop - as Gurdjieff wrote "to stop the machine, it is required to know the machine' - and when the machine knows itself, it is no longer a machine, it starts to become responsible for it's actions".
So every human who is giving the excuse for not changing, not stopping within, as the inner energetic mind machine based on river-like thought-streams, constantly occupied within having good feelings and disturbing emotions - and without as the currently accepted human system, as the capitalistic, cannibalistic abusing profit-and surviving-oriented self-interest-based money system - is simply stating that:
-we are machines and we can not change,
-it is not meant to be changed,
-it's human nature, it's who we are,
-it's god's mysterious plan,
-there always will be OTHER assholes and selfish bastards
-money is the root for all evil
-you, Tala, do you think you can change the system what is here since thousands of years? Give me a fucking break!
-we all are originated from infinite self-aware consciousness energy, the physical is just an anomaly what is irrelevant
-we just have to meditate every day and not even need to know how our mind works, but the eastern techniques work, really, but within meditation all will be solved, maybe not in this lifetime
-"I can feel the grace and love, if you do not feel it, you are just negative"
-there is good and there is evil and that's the truth, no more questions, that's "my personal" experience, you must understand that!

and all that kind of different types of justifications I can hear every fucking day(even from the 'closest' ones), however when someone is, as an individual directly facing immense shit, suffering, abuse for instance(and I am being creative here however I know some who have this currently being 'exercised'):

-working like a slave since long-long years from 6AM for directly the surviving without EVER thinking outside the box and accepting it yet slowly but surely feeling like being broken day by day
-the bank wants to get back the credit what one's got for you and for your family for instance and mortgaging any of your belongings what is not human flesh, but might that will happen as well
-one's dear loved ones explode with a hi-tech or home-made-budget bomb in the name of imaginary immortals or for some insane uncommon sensical conviction
-having multiple cancer all around one's body from all-hiding corporate aggressive brainwashing food-poisoning copyrighted+government-protected 'market-strategy'
-not really being able to think outside of the box of surviving and trying to pull together the necessary coins for one's kids and stopping the resonant tremor when thinking about how to give to one's child what will be required for a healthy life what would mean at least millions of money and blaming the system, the rich fuckers and even oneself for the decisions one has been made in the past what had consequences already one cannot change or even comprehend
-facing all-stinky begging home-less broken-down human-wreckages all around in the city every day
-meeting some extremists like 'sports fans' mobster within their aggressive-all-destroying alcohol-frenzy
-dodging extremists like nationalists/nazis/demagogs/re-divisionists moving and clothing like clowns/clones in singing half-drunk bunches for marches
-one's boss or the boss of your boss or the boss of your boss's boss is proving to be incompetent however you get the consequences every day yet the money is not that bad compared to others in general
-basically noone wants to acknowledge that we are doomed in all ways possible(just to mention water and food situation) if we do not change the core of our systems

and then there are the ones are already bit more ready to change, to actually do something or at least try for their own self-interest within their own self-developed fear from experiencing the only real thing in this existence what we all sharing equally, what is physical consequence.

It is fascinating to see that apparently there are people who directly pulsate, resonate that they are within the awakening and self-realization and all kind of occupations what they've defined for themselves as 'good' and 'useful' and 'beneficial' - all type of activities or passivities what within they find themselves doing so meanwhile being in the state of doing exactly the best possible thing for themselves and for the world however when someone is asking some direct questions about the abuse and the massive horrific events taking place every fucking day on this planet: everyone is proven to be absolutely powerless and reality-denial within some sort of hypnotic hope that their 'own' life might end up different than the other poor fuckers happened to be experiencing this one beautiful life as something what really-really sucks.

And I must put into this that I am not really different, as I've emerged, as I am experssing today is the same - however what I've been doing within this blog as investigation and self-assessment and writing out all the shit I see within to at least to acknowledge that I am far from the 'optimum' how I can explore what L.I.F.E would mean within and as each given moment and obviously can be noticed right here within this blog that I do not accept all the bullshit about any justification and excuse of why we humans can not really change ourselves who apparently 'happened to became' and the currently 'running' (amok) human consciousness global profit- and fear-oriented all-agreed self-interest-based money- and value system.

And I am not standing alone within directly changing myself from within - hundreds, thousands are busy investigating and W.R.I.T.I.N.G as much as they can to -at the first time- become really aware what we've been doing as individual and as a group as referred as 'human beings' to our- and all other selves without being able to stop even for a moment from the program running within who and what we've accepted ourselves to be and become and actively remain within an interest what is not visible, what is not transparent, yet for us, who write the Journey to Life: is obvious, because we dare to see and we dare to do the steps even if it would take really long time - it is not even a must - I am experiencing this lack of separation from writing day by day more and more stabilized: I am writing and I am preparing myself to change in reality when the moment comes and then I do change without any con-dition to walk out from this per-dition what we've became.

And one can say that life is good, beautiful and shining and colorful and fucking awesome and immensely cool, but how comes that we are not even ready to acknowledge that we all eat, drink, shit and sleep the same way and without that we are screwed beyond any measure, and if we do not want to give that to all, everybody without any con, then we each individual are pledged for all other's direct hell-experience without even wanting to acknowledge.

I've been defined(mostly by myself) as many things since I walk on this mudball floating around, but in fact I am a talking and eating and shitting flesh walking around and apparently doing things without any direction for decades but if I can choose what direction I want to walk - it is not a question that I want to get food, water, shelter, health care and REAL education about what the heck is going on.
And to want this for myself, to have a great life for myself, and the ones who I share my presence with - should also get this otherwise they would not be really a pleasant and cool and awesome and fascinating experience for me, not even for themselves, because without eating for weeks, or drinking anything for some days - all what we define as human is gone, diminished and here is the real zombie apocalypse.

Personally I've seen it in Both-Gaya, Bihar, India - where we went to seek the 'enlightenment cave' of a dried fucker who we believed that achieved something awesome by sitting in that cave for long time) we were covered by beggars  for biscuits(tourists apparently like to pet them with that and the jeep drivers were happy to sell us some) they were really just coming and held out their hands and repeating the same 'biscuit', 'biscuit' 'biscuit' and looking into their eyes I've seen myself directly within reality once and for all yet I had to stand up and help a girl around who was giving biscuits to them so then they rushed her so much that I had to pull these weak ones from her because they were literally like zombies in movies except not biting but literally wanting to bite some biscuit.

And the most horrific was to realize that none of us who did that visit apparently felt the same as me or made the decision to at least try to seek out or want to move out from this kind of 'position of perception' - even some 'mates' like to visit from time to time for the 'mysterious enlightenment cave' - and being able to completely ignore the suffering by perfected justifications and excuses for how they are screwed because of their karma regardless of being old ones, young ones, or even really young ones - and I can at least respect that how much a human can program itself to be completely ignorant for it's own kind.
And all those western money-bags visit India for enlightenment while locals serve them like kings for the all mighty $ - at least for the illiterate starving beggars they are only that.

And I could write dozens of similar experiences, not just like - I was there and broke my little heart and feeling guilty for having hi-tech audio equipment what costs more than the house I've been raised in - in fact I have a courage to feel the shame for what we all became and I feel responsibility(yet I must walk my individual process of Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness for myself what I've manifested as fears, desires etc) - and I am sure I want to change the system from within with Basic Income and Equal Money what more and more will start to consider as the current system collapses while still there are many who think that by meditating anything will be better but intensify to the utmost degree.

So Enlightenment? Now you give me a fucking break :)

Meditate on physical reality how practically can be solved by it's core what is obviously the money system.
Meditate on physical reality how you would feel physically and act when you would end up the same way as are being abused by the money system, judged and determined by their lack of money to live beyond the edge of the happiness machine.
Meditate on what you would do if you would lose everybody and everything and there would be nothing to generate good feelings and experiences from?

That is compassion, not just thin-king and feeling energetic love and shining and imagining sending it to each heart - or some consciousness shiva-buddha-liquid imagining or consciousness mantra-symbol ball shooting into pure-lands bullshit!!! That's absolutely irrelevant for the abuse and suffering on Earth - come on! What would you choose if you would have the same situation as those are being disregarded by the money system? Imagined energy ball meditated by hundreds together holding hands - or some bread and butter and water and shelter for -20 celsius degrees?

Common sense - common sense is free and is here!

We use words, we react to words, we make business by agreeing on words, we feel happy or sad by words, we allow ourselves being programmed by words, we program our children by words, we hide behind words, we fear from specific words, we judge words, we react to words, we are driven by words, we are being directed by words,  then we simply say words are just words when asking to investigate our relationship and starting point to specific words what we repeat like hypnotized such as 'love' and 'happy' and 'innocent' - if you buy or sell ANYTHING - there is no such thing as innocence.
We must sort out our already existing relationship within and without based on words!

Prepare yourself to be able to be a constant and consistent inner emptiness self-directive principle by direct decision within the Physical to stand up and become equal as one with the current system and change it as self within common sense based on the interest of what is best for all. Simple.

So then I come to the definition of what is human, what means to be human and for me is simply that I want the same things for others what I want for myself - and myself, being at least absolultely fucking self-honest without any doubt that I do require food, shelter, water and health care:

I want the same for other humans as well - and wanting that and actually doing something for happening so - is a totally different scenario.

Within writing and applying the Self-forgiveness, Self-honesty, Self-direction and Self-changing - I've came to the realization that it is absolutely irrelevant what we, as individuals hope, want or even feel or perceive if it is not physically manifested within the reality what we are sharing equally - and to investigate all things within reality to explore what must be stopped, released might does not mean in the first moments about how exactly, practically we would do that - but once it is clear, that we must stop as humans, as within as this self-perception-wanting to just -feel-good programmable organic robots.

And within Desteni - a research and practical 'projects' and 'experiments' are going on since quite some time - and there are solutions what already proven beyond any measure, what currently a thinking/feeling/emotionally charged human mind can comprehend - but the tools for stop the mind for a moment - (and for another moment - and for this moment, and for this moment too) - to clearly see that Equal Money System is really the thing what is Best for All.
It is simply the equal distribution for the basic needs for everybody - without fearing MY interest that then the others would dominate us within THEIR self-interest - education is the solution for that - it is very possible that there are some who are all-ready will not change, but eventually will die - maybe in 5-10-20-50 years and in fact what we educate and plant as seeds as Life will grow - as we can plant Tress what will be huge and supporting in decades - that we can do with proper education for the children who are obviously ourselves, what most only can feel with their own children but you must understand that there are people who can 'feel' that with all children on earth without any exclusion. And the harm and abuse for many-many children on earth is proven to be manifested in reality every day until we do not change ourselves and the money system.
Religions, spiritual, any self-convicted all-gather-together *-ism groups of interests have no power over reality, they only can think of themselves, regardless of what they are deluding their minions with - that's obvious. That's why they do all their 'specific' 'shit' behind closed doors and in secret and in fact for the same as all others: money and survive and feeling go(o)d.

Investigate, do your research, it would be a shame if you would judge Desteni-EqualMoney-Equal-Life people before even trying for yourself, but for trying it we must conclude as effective group of individuals made the decision to stop this madness and really make our and our children's future possible in the best way possible.

And before finding Desteni I was already sure that it must be done, but I was not aware of the most practical tools and I've been trying many extreme ways in my life to be able to at least to stabilize myself for a moment to - at least! - to see what I am facing as myself and the human system - but I could not. I could stop the thoughts but only by sitting in a dark room for weeks - for what? I had no gain any practical power over myself or over the monetary situations - because I did not consider common sense - and common sense is acting and not sitting that's sure. Or one can say that for rehabilitation for a moment it can be accepted for see how insane our mind works like - but to not write down, to not forgive, to not let go, to not correct the same loops happening again and again and again is simply nonsense...

And to acknowledge that was not a simple, one-blinking process, that I was clue-less, power-less individual, who had even the best intentions within to make myself and the world better, but I was literally walking in oblivion because I've not given myself the most basic, simplistic tools: for give myself what I've been lost and was always looking for and in fact all every body is looking for within all different type of scenarios : the Breath of Life all ways HERE.

Use the tools and Stop the jungle of thoughts and feelings and convictions, come and look out from your head, HERE is a LIFE emerging within and as the Physical. Not beautiful, not really loving - yet but at least it is real and we can transform it to be what is best for all of us practically!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

[JTL 32] Self-forgiveness: stopping resonant fear from difficulty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'doing something' as separate from me - or always defining a 'reason' for why I am doing something instead of simply doing what is here as myself as self-decision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a polarity system within me based on the word dimension of 'difficulty' and what defining as 'easy' - defining it then as 'I can do it without forcing myself and stressing myself' and what I've defined as 'difficult' - defining it as 'I have to do focus and strengthening and forcing myself with great ease.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to circumstances and actions what I do or not do and defining it according to and through and as the word difficulty and by that already having a per-conception, a self-definition about what I do - like an inner preparation for what I do about how much effort I have to put into but not as myself as moment as breathing and undefined - rather than by defining circumstances and myself regarding to another self-definitions, memories, pictures, knowledge - and not realizing that by that pre-definition actually I change and program myself into that specific experience within myself before even starting myself expressing by doing or not doing the action what I've defined regarding to the relationship with the word difficulty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined difficulty and wanting to prepare myself by measuring difficulty level to actually give a probability to myself that I will not 'succeed' or be able to do the thing what I judge - like a reminding myself that - 'do not be hard on myself when I will be unable to do so how and what I want'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that calculating my failure by definition by the dimension of difficulty automatically is in fact a self-compromise and a manifested personality of self-doubt to prepare myself for next inner reactions to be able to react if I would not be able to do the thing what I judge that I might not be able to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from failure and within fearing from not be able to do what I do - actually I prepare myself for accepting the situation of failure before even failing within the fear from failure.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that within fear from failure I actually manifest failure as predefining myself as containing the starting point as fear from failure and within giving energy and acting according to as it - I actually accept it as reality even before manifesting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and be deluded by the idea that for doing something what I've defined as difficult to do so or not easy or not automatically be able to do it - that if requires extra effort, energy for doing so and not realizing that the energy here I've defined as inner reactions towards the point through and as participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link difficulty with emotions such as fear, hardship, suffering, failure and regret, shame and anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate difficulty with the word emotion and automatically become emotional when I am facing an experience what I react with the association or definition with the word: difficulty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I face difficulty that means that I am going to have a chance to fail and not realizing that failure is an other self-definition just like difficulty and observing reality with the eye of the universe there is no such thing as failure nor even difficulty - only within self-interest of programmed personality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I define difficulty it is absolutely relative towards the experiences and the already self-accepted self-judgments within my mind through thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within facing possibility of not being able to do what I plan to do or expect to happen actually I face myself as consequence equal as one within defining it as 'bad' I am judging it based on fear from remaining so - fear from being judged and being stuck within the experience of being defined as 'failed' - and not realizing that I experience this resonance of 'failure' as only when I judge myself based on already made judgments of 'failure'.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that within fearing from failure I do not move, I do not explore undefined but within self-definition what I've already defined as 'not failing' and 'best way to avoid failure' what is already entailing and containing and in fact resonating the starting point of 'fear from failure' as equal as one as I participate within any self-definition regarding to the word 'failure' and 'difficulty'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as failed by facing difficulties by myself or by others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my already made and remembered self-definitions towards myself, towards my environment and towards others.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that if I do not stop defining myself I will always experience separation within myself towards myself because self-definition is in fact the act of 'trying to superimpose' what I am here - with observing it as a separate, defining it as a subject within the act of objectivity and not realizing that I use polarity systems for such through and as relationships defined through and as words what with I always try to interpolate what is here as reality and what I experience and not realizing that I always only approximate it within self-created systems and separating myself further from simply what is here as self as flesh as life as the physical remaining breathing, undefined, whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that compounding energy within my mind through repeating and being obsessed with specific words and energetic reactions towards words - I actually compound energy for the mind to become more and more dominant through more and more thoughts, feelings and emotions with what I separate myself more and more from what is here as the physical as life as my human physical body as the direct consequence and result and manifestation of who I am in real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions as starting point by superimposing my human physical body here where I breathe, I physically feel and I am reality and in fact sharing what is here as myself with all equally.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to consider what is here as the physical as the flesh as myself as real as life by constantly being occupied within the mind domain of personality matrices through the obsessed and possessed participation within thoughts after thoughts, feelings after feelings and emotions after emotions by defining these as myself directly and using these to define myself and my reality and trying to use these to feel myself in a way what I've defined by these as apparently good for myself, only for myself within the interest of myself only.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that by fighting energies as emotions with energies as emotions is never the solution and when people say to me that I should not fight against emotions and I should accept emotions I am reacting with more emotions with self-judgments such as 'he/she is crazy, does not know what is talking but I know what I am talking about as defining emotions as bad' and not realizing that wanting to stop emotions with emotions what is like trying to stop fire by fire what is not really a solution and within judging others I actually divert my attention from the emotional polarity fight within towards the others as judging them as 'fools' and not realizing that I am not the directive within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to divert my attention from emotional storms within because at times I've defined that I do not have time to deal with them or even not knowing how to do meanwhile I have to do specific things what requires no emotions to interfere for instance programming systems for the company where I work for money and then constantly putting aside my energetic inner experiences meanwhile even judging them as 'bullshit' - and not realizing that in fact I am judging myself as 'bullshit' and not facing the core of the emotional storm within and not wanting to see the starting point of energetic polarities within reactions through reacting within self-definition towards self-judgments being projected to entities what I've defined as separate from me and not seeing that everything what I experience is me here equal as one and the solution is to stop judging and let myself in the moment without judging, without reacting with thoughts to accumulate emotions within absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that straining my human physical body to generate energy within is simply physical abuse of the life force within and as myself by causing pain and dysfunctions within my body as life by possessing the body with the mind and not realizing that I am perceiving myself who I am separated from the body - by defining myself as emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories, characters, personalities because that I always can participate within meanwhile my body is always here for serving me and not realizing that it is not life but self-abdication, self-abuse, self-denial, self-delusion, self-dishonesty and that's why I do not experience constancy and consistency within my mind because my mind is not stable, constant and being here - because it is dependent on seeping of energy from my body what is constant, here as life.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within emotional reactions I actually become occupied and charged with energies what with I light on specific self-definitions, specific feelings, specific energetic reactions - for what I react with certain specific energetic experiences what is happening so fast that I am not even aware of with what words I react with for what reasons within self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the fact that everything I exist and consists of is based on a resonant fear from directly experience all self-dishonesties and their consequences here within and as the physical as myself and being occupied within thoughts, feelings and emotions actually divert my attention from what is here as myself as the human world system as equal as one as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that how and exactly why I've started to strain my human physical body when facing difficulties and believing that if I grip and strain myself very intensely then I do not experience reality within the emotional state that much because the energetic charge and movement within what arises within the physical strain is equal and one intense such as the perception of the actual direct and real experience what I face and not want to realize how and why I am directly responsible for the consequences I face and judge as 'unwanted'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my human physical body by, through and as defining experiences and feelings and emotions and thoughts as more important and more real of me and not realizing that all is only possible because of my human physical body as life and by disregarding the source of the physical flesh of me - I am unaware of the consequences I make for my real self here within and as the physical equally to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within accumulation of muscle tension within the energetic addiction towards self-definitions and emotions I have been abusing my human physical body as life to manifesting consequences as equal as one as myself to show me exactly what I am responsible of and to be able to realize that I can and I should and I must stop without any condition.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself that everything I experience and do is to avoid to fear from losing what I've defined I do not want to lose and in fact fearing from defining myself losing and defining myself within fear from losing what I've defined as 'fearful to lose' and not realizing that it is just a trap of 22, the oroborous, an infinity loop, a never ending cycle within what I've defined myself to be as this energetic waving within fear from losing the fear from losing.

I stop fearing from losing myself.
I stop fearing from fearing losing myself.
I stop fearing from losing fear from losing myself.
I stop all fear from losing fear as self-definition.
I stop all fear within from losing.
I stop all fear within.
I stop fearing from facing fear.
I stop losing fear as who I've defined myself to be.
I stop fearing from facing the fear as what it is as who I've defined myself to be: not real.
I stop fearing to realize that who I've defined myself to be is not real.
I stop fearing from others realizing that who I've defined myself to be is not real.
I stop fearing from judging others based on how they react towards me.
I stop fearing from judging myself as fearful.
I stop fearing from myself.
I stop fearing from what is here.
I stop fearing from who I am or who I can be or who I have been.
I stop fearing from the consequences of who I am or who I've defined myself to be and acted based on that.
I stop fearing from failure as realizing that failure is a compressed self-definition symbol for fearing myself.
I stop fearing from exposing all compressed, encrypted self-definitions within myself to realize none of it is real.
I stop defining myself to try to avoid facing fear and trying to occupy myself in order to persuade myself that I do not fear.
I stop defining myself as fool because participating within fear.
I stop defining myself that I am obsessed with fear and methods to deny and fight fear within.
I stop fearing from remaining undefined and directly experiencing physically manifested fear what is defined as uncomfortable.
I stop fearing from facing uncomfortable experiences within and as the physical.
I stop all within and I remain here and I stop everything within until I am clear, empty and whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the energetic waving within my solar plexus what is an energetic buzzing, pricking, waving, moving, like smooth silent thunder vectors what are shooting apparently fast from one direction towards an other and having after effects within for seconds and meanwhile I am focusing to that energy and not realizing that I've defined it as fascinating as it is pure energy and defined pure energy as my fuel and life force and

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fully experience these energetic waves within by wanting to remain within the constant and consistent experience of these energies moving as within many feelings what I've defined as 'good' I experience similar energetic movements therefore 'defining it as good' and by defining it as good accepting it as myself and never questioning what is this and not pinpointing it within self-honesty and self-intimacy that it is in fact the inner reaction of fear from myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within breathing here and slowing down within I can actually stop these energetic movements within - and in fact slow myself down to a degree that when I start to participate within the fear - I can stop before going into and simply saying no and remaining directly here I can stop the fear.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

[JTL 31] Fear of loss as the right [2 h]arm and return to body part 1

Alright, let's get direct within writing out the manifested consequences of my most bugging self-dishonesty today:
My right forearm.

It has been an issue since last year I've broke some muscle tissues within an overhauled exercise.
But why?
There was a time when my arm was unusable - after that my relationship went off - I wanted agreement but could not manifest, so then the relationship was not standing and it was gone. My arm was still unusable.
I had to get specific treatment, steroid syringes week after week until I was able to wipe my ass at least and start writing again.
Since November I've stopped taking steroids, it became better but since that it did not heal perfectly - still having issues what originates from the shoulder - there is a point what has an immense compound within stress - and when I've got a massage there - the release started but it is does not really useful if I re-create it every day by holding onto a stress within.
Within sport activity I've noticed, when I have to do something defined 'strong' and 'hard' and 'difficult' - I close my right arm fist and really stress it - regardless of for instance when I am just kicking a ball - this 'from right shoulder down to my palms' strain and grip and stress - what I use like a computer game hero within 'spelling the energy into my special ability' for a 'supercharge'.
And I assume - haha -- I have to assume as I've never been really aware of this since I am on Earth - so then I assume that I've been doing this since I've emerged - so that's why it is compounded within the accumulation of 1+1=2 to a degree when my body as Life as Physical can not handle it so issues arise, just like muscle tension even break. So let's investigate my mind and body relationship, geometry and symbolism for a while:

Within Structural Resonance:

Forearm: fear of loss.

Fascinating: fear of losing partner, fear of losing myself, fear of losing self-definition of who I am as consciousness system within relationships. Relationship is not BAD - but manifests undeniable consequence within reality which is The Physical.
The only stable reality at least it can get the Capital letters - as what we are really doing within this so called Capitalistic system but manifesting consequences of consciousness systems within and without our human physical body as the current eco-no-me-c system we manifested the already existing relationships within: with out as equal as one.

Fear of losing the current status quo within the system - fearing losing what we apparently already 'having', 'holding onto' - which is the consequence of our starting point of energy of positive and negative which is of and as: fear.

From the starting point of fear - nothing really matters but fear itself as the only thing what directs it all - fear of losing fear from self itself - what else can we fear but ourselves as in fact we always experience ourselves - it is common sense that I only can experience what is me - if I would experience something what is not me - then how I could experience it?
Or I can say, I can perceive the other - but within perception what do I really see but myself?
There is no such thing as separation - but self-reflection within the starting point of our expression - fearing from fear itself as within fear we already see that nothing will remain what we participate within - yet we do not stop, yet we do accumulate, we manifest consequences.

Back to this particular human physical body as my-self: So I fear losing who I've defined myself to be - fear of losing the fear of self as without fear I actually stop being myself as fear - I as perception stop and I as Self I face as consequence.

Fear of consequence as fear from shame and therefore fear from change.

What I can come up not really wanting to lose and what is the excuse for why not is problem in fact yet still looping myself within?

-fear from losing current partner - yet if I would so - I would find an other partner more specifically than with her I did and formed a some sort of emotional relationship what is not BAD but at times I allow to direct me and not supporting us and then when I perceive that I can not directly change it to an equal and one direct support by stopping emotional waves - I am wanting to end it but this one I really want yet I keep disagreeing with her many times yet still I want 'this one'='her' - and sabotaging natural growing as life within both by manifesting and suppressing conflicts within and without
-fear from losing my music/video instruments/gadgets by fear of not having money if I stop working like a slave - yet I am sure that I could re-gain these or even 'better ones' if I would really need - yet it was some time for accumulate that money for be able to gather and possess - yet if I would lose these, I would really push myself to get a salary tenfold and get those back asap, yet I want more money but that would mean less time to have for arts but I want both, time and money yet I do not really push this point and still wait for more frustration to fuel myself to change indirectly or just hoping for luck within the casino system

-fear from people deny me because I am too hard on them by not accepting their bullshit and misunderstand me - yet I am fully sure about the points I walk within common sense - but I am not constantly physically expressing so - therefore I want to 'wait' to be myself - however this wait frustrates me but within frustration I energize myself to move yet I want to deny this energy because without that I do not move as absolute decision - then the energy compounds and then bursts with no consideration and in fact with some points I already do walk within energy-independent-decision yet with some not really and not deciding to totally stop myself each time I am eating myself up within self-judgment about anything

-fear from not having enough time/resources for expressing myself and manifesting my desires what are mostly:
    -do some more sexual exploration with some fantasy-related domain
    -do more music and learn more to express myself with musical instruments
    -do films/movies about my process and the realizations I stabilized within and use the already manifested film industry memes to weave my personal fun and psychology and horror and of course desteni points of views
    -having a relationship within I can trust myself and the other without any fear and any hope but stable physical standing

-fear from inconvenience and solitude and pain and losing my mind as who I defined myself to be and desiring after pain and hell and terror within what I would start to move myself as when all shitstorm and pain happens I always move effectively

I've just started today learning the ability of relaxing my body breath by breath, part by part as Esteni and Bernard suggested to AliReza for 3 months at least while it is a natural breathing presence ability and I am committing myself to do this every day and write out all the stuff what comes up meanwhile and must be forgiven unconditionally.

So the first stuffs I've noticed:
-Energetic buzzing and pricking arise from within when breathing and relaxing the parts - like a Miyazaki(Chirio) anime I can say an entity, an energetic 'fog' flies out from the body part what I relax and starts to move around within my body as energetic tension - and as it walks around - I face inner reactions, such as thoughts, what I must be done or what I have not done so I just realize I've decided to work on that - in this morning I've faced so much self-dishonesties what I 'should' work on and it was the impression that if I remain breathing and here and self-directive - I can let go the fear from forgetting these unless I think of them all the time - as I am always here I can embrace all and re-member my dis-membered parts of myself for the unification as human physical body and mind and life force as equal as one.

-remembering my first partner who with I was with university and she was learning auto-gen training, within some sort of NLP and body relaxing she was learning that and after that teaching/coaching others to do so - and when I am doing it, I always associate this with her - as thoughts

-I've noticed that at times within my process, from time to time I realize that I disregarded my human physical body and working always on the mind stuff, wanting to release and maybe in fact I am effective that much so then this time I have a 'window' of opportunity to 'see beyond my mind' and experience and support and assist my human physical body - so the time has come when I can stabilize this body as myself and support myself from different angles simultaneously and unifying all here as self

Check out the Journey to Life breath by breath with many participants
EQAFE: Outstanding and very supportive interviews for supporting Self and Equal Life Foundation

-to be continued ;))))

Sunday, April 21, 2013

[JTL 30] Self-correction on fearing from consequences

I continue with preparing myself within self-corrective statements to take responsibility for the consequences I face regarding to crying and fear from changing.
I commit myself to not go into the pattern of guilt when someone is crying to me.
I commit myself to actually look at the facts and reality about what really happened and what was my involvement within the fact that someone ended up crying to me.
I commit myself to not fear from facing consequences but realizing that what is done is done but in the moment, each moment, consistently within every moment I can make a difference to not manifest the consequence what I am responsible for.
I commit myself to fear from being with someone because of making the other crying with what I do or with what I do not do and I commit myself to transform all my relationships within and without based on principled walking within equality practically.
I commit myself to stop a self-dishonest pattern what I realize by using the tools provided by desteni such as self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-commitments unconditionally without any reason but for standing as the living word, as the living forgiveness within and as the flesh.

When and as I face reality within someone is crying, especially when crying to me I remain clear, calm, breathing, present and open without the fear that I might react emotionally, without the fear of being influenced.
When and as I realize that someone is crying to me that I am responsible for bad feelings and suffering, I remain calm, present, I use common sense that what I can do for solving this problem what I am involved to without the emotional waves of fear, guilt, remorse within as I am realizing that I face consequences for what I've done or what I haven't done within the past and only within this specific moment I can change, I can make a difference.

When and as I fear from engaging into a relationship because of not being stable for doing so - I realize I can change, I can walk equal and one agreement with myself and by living that and expressing towards others - I can stop participate within patterns what with I abuse others or myself - so then I use writing, I use common sense and I use self-correction and self-commitment and scripting to specifically PREVENT shit to happen.

When and as I fear from losing myself and not keeping my word and not acting according to what I say - I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself with and as the words I speak - and if I said something what I do not see as the best for all participants then I do not fear from 'I have to do it because I've said so' - because that is of energy and by energy I am manipulating and enforcing myself - so then I make decisions what I can live and walk without energy, without conditioned, contextual thoughts, feelings emotions reactions and by those energetic movements charging specific personalities within and by that acting according to words I react to - instead of I stand here, I simplify myself here, I breathe, I stick to the principles of absolute self-honesty, presence, writing, self-correction, self-forgiveness and only engaging into agreements if fear comes from a particular topic to participate within such as sexual-relationship.

When and as I fear from rebound with my someone who I've had relationship, I stop, I breathe - I realize I fear from facing the manifested consequence, and I fear from not getting what I've defined getting by that particular relationship, and then I use common sense and I see what is the best for me and for all participants and if wanting to engage, I make sure that the basic, default things are clear and we agree on specific words what by we live and be together and if that does not happen, I do not expect, I do not react, I do not hope, but I do not engage to make sure that I prevent any emotional shit to happen.

When and as I start to follow thoughts within and then another thought, I stop, I breathe, I realize I am within fear - I do not see it through so then using systems to think instead of myself being fully aware of the situation to act within one singular breath the best for all participants - so then I realize I have already formed relationships within parts of the manifested system I face - and then I naturally disengage and let go all the relationships I hold onto within and as myself such as thoughts, feelings and emotions towards things outside of me.

When and as I fear from enjoying the moment with someone, even with my partner, I realize I do not need to fear, I can be myself and still I can remain self-directive without the fear of losing myself within fear or desire - and when I would do so - I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself and stick to the self-agreement within such as daily writing and keeping my words and take responsibility for what I do and say as equal as one.

When and as I fear from being judged by anyone because of the way I've decided to live my life - I stop reacting with fear and wanting to have more and more reason and clues for what I am able to decide so - I stop - I am self-decision, self-will, self-direction and I trust myself even if all the humanity would judge me as bullshit - if I see that it is clear and self-honest within me - I remain stable, calm, directive and walk my breath one step at a time and every time I become unsure, I stop for a moment, I let everything go within and when I am inner silent again, I walk again.

When and as I fear from being myself, and fear from being extremely expressive, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've been holding myself back in my entire life so I must give the moments to myself to let go and let everything out without the fear of being judged and the fear of harming others - so within moments of anxiety and frustration I realize I can be myself naturally without any reason and energy - I am simply here I am myself as breath, I am expression, I am flesh, I am life.

When and as I fear from enjoying the moment because of having a particular memory about 'when the last time I had this, that shit happened' - I stop, I let it go, I realize this moment is this moment, that moment was that moment - yet I use common sense, so I do not try to not see what is obvious, and I trust myself within that and I trust myself within the moment even if it means that making an apparently judge-able mistake for a couple of times - I rather trust myself within moment than making an other rule within myself based on fear and context and memory.

When and as I suppress emotions I stop and I realize it is because I fear from expressing myself and I fear from being responsible for the reason I am generating the emotions - by other or by myself - so within the suppression - I realize I am suppressing myself and systematizing myself and later on myself as moment will not be expressed but the systematized self-definitions will take over and try to equate the systematizing act of self-suppression through thoughts, emotions, feelings and energies what is certainly not life, so I do not suppress myself, rather seeing the core of self-suppression and the reason for not allowing myself to trust myself in the expression as myself - and then investigating that as myself and see what would be the best outcome for myself and for all participants within common sense.

When and as I feel that I am having good feelings, I realize I am energizing myself regarding to self-judgments and definitions, and by that I am not directly in and as the moment but of self-definitions, of self-fear, of being obsessed with one part of the reality, the polarity what I've defined that I am made for feeling myself good and never questioning that within what feels good is based on how I've allowed myself or did myself to program myself based on my interest - and that I can stop, I can transform into direct self-expression wherein I can experience self-enjoyment without the judgments of feeling good.

When and as I feel bad, I realize I am generating inner reactions what I've defined as negative and then I have the tendency to want to generate and participate within things what I've defined as positive and by that wanting to equate and balance and overcome the negative within and as my mind what is entirely not real, and by that I do not directly face the reality what I react to as 'negative' but I just want to make myself to feel good and never considering to changing myself and solving to stop the thing what is happening as being defined as 'negative' or even it is really negative or it is just opposed my currently self-defined self-interest.

When and as I use blame for someone who is apparently suffering from me because she(or he) did not take my words seriously, I realize it is not about words, it is about the physical actions I do and the consideration of what is already here yet not being defined by what is here.

When and as I fear from others blaming me - I realize I fear from responsibility - because if the blame is real so that I am responsible - it is not blame, but assisting and supporting me to realize my responsibility - and if it is just blame for what I am not responsible - then there is nothing to fear from because it is not my issue, but the other is facing the mind as manifested self and then I can remain clear, calm, here.

When and as someone is saying to me that I am responsible - I use common sense and realize that it is not about automatically believe and react but it is about reality and common sense - so then if I am present as clear inside and breathing - I can see that am I responsible, can I directly solve that? And if so then I take full responsibility and I commit myself to do whatever it takes to solve it to stop my relationship within myself with the self-judgments of regret and shame and fear from being responsible yet not doing anything and realizing that I can actually do something.

When and as I see that someone is stating that I am responsible for something what I have done or not done - and I see that I can not solve it, the manifested consequence is here, regardless of what I do or not - I do not regret, I do not go into emotional waves of shame - but I transform that realization into self-direction of direct and practical awareness that I am making sure that I take responsibility to PREVENT that to happen again and I do not fear from making the same mistake again but I prepare myself within writing, within scripting and self-forgiveness.

When and as I fear from going into a relationship with someone with no agreement - I realize it is because of desires drive me, because of fear drive me, because of shame drive me - and I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself with the principles - and if I fear from going into an agreement with someone - because it might not work - then I stop myself fearing by realizing what I fear to lose or what I fear to manifest and how actually I can be responsible and how actually I can make a difference and how I can talk and discuss with that with the person I want to - and if not possible to direct that into direct communication, then I'd just skip that and realize - I must make myself clearly expressed that I only go into agreement, if everything is clear and agreed and kept - otherwise it will not stand the time.

When and as I fear from going into an agreement - I realize that first things first - I walk through Desteni I Process Agreement Course and by that I form a Self-agreement and then when I can walk that - I can explore expanding that with someone else - but until that - I stick to the basics, and I stick to the course and common sense and I explore how I can walk self-agreement and what I do require to agree with myself in order to remain effective within society and expand myself within equality and oneness without the fear of 'too much' and 'not enough'.

When and as I fear from going into agreement before I am ready for that - I realize I can still be within a sexual relationship by agreeing on specific things what both can agree on - and if I am unstable because of this not being effective - then I might re-align myself and communicate with the other to solve it - or I might consider to stop the relationship because inner quietness and effective self-honest walk of the mind within self-honesty is the priority - and it is not about exploding shit within ourselves all the time to 'try to expose and stop all the self-dishonesties at the same time' because then the reactions will wash my presence away and consistency can not be stabilized what is not common sense.

When and as I consider to walk with someone who is not Destonian - not using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-writing, self-commitment, self-correction within common sense - that is a decision what I can respect - and by that I can respect myself and the other as equal as one and realizing it is not about bullying the other to be the way I want to be - but seeing my mind and stopping my mind - and if the walk with the non-destonian is making me constantly falling and trying to pick myself up again - is not effective - then I might consider to re-align myself and if even that does not work, then I must let go the other and the relationship and the need for walking with such person.

When and as I fear from walking with a non-destoninan a relationship/agreement - I realize I fear from facing myself within the very system I am exposed to and fearing from not being able to stand within the same manifestation of the system within small - within what I've always existed to and not realizing that there is a desire to be influenced by destonians when I am not walking the destonian walk such as stick to self-forgiveness, self-honesty, writing, sharing unconditionally and by those moments wanting to be conditioned to re-gain and reinforce my stability within using the tools by forces outside of me and not realizing that I can do that to myself directly without the external influences.

When and as I judge myself that I am not 'progressing' within self-direction and self-honesty and the process of stopping the mind and wanting to boost it, wanting to 'progress faster' - I realize that it is because I am not consistently using the tools as myself as self-honesty, self-forgiveness, writing - every day therefore my judgment that I do not progress enough is meaning that I am not walking within consistency by not doing the tools every day unconditionally - and by judging that - wanting to solve it without actually writing every day - so then I re-align myself with what I decided to do so and progress effectively - every day.

When and as I judge myself that 'today I've written my Agreement Course assignment, so then I've already done my 'self-honest-walk' part, I do not need to deal with the issues today I am facing' - I realize it is diversion - and in fact fear - fear from not being able to have enough time - not specifically to something but just being able to 'judge myself to have an abstract enough time' because when I've defined myself not having enough time' in fact I am not disciplined to use time effectively therefore judging myself and not actually changing myself.

When and as I see a point within myself as issue - I write it to my blog and I walk through it - and not fearing from 'it will be too long to walk through so I'd just skip it' - then I compress it, I do not scratch around it but directly facing and directly writing about the self-dishonesty, the core - and even with some sentences I can assist and support myself to transform myself day by day.

When and as I judge myself that other destonians wrote dozens of pages every day and I want the same - I realize it is not about the quantity, it is not about others, it is about myself and about assisting and supporting myself within consistency and if I am being frustrated by not being able to be consistent - I realize it is because at days I am skipping writing - and if I have an issue about it, then I should write about 'having an issue why not writing every day' specifically by realizing - I can use the tools to anything within myself what I am not equal and one as life within.

Friday, April 19, 2013

[JTL 29] Önmegbocsátás első tapasztalatok folytatása

Folytatván begépelvén ezt a monológomat:

Első fele itt található

Második fele:(15. perctől)

"Tehát ezekből kiindulva az önmegbocsátás nekem valójában azt mutatta meg, hogy egyszerűen leírom azt, amit látok magamban és ez tényleg a hagyma rétege - tehát, hogy így látom, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak például, hogy automatikusan egy bizonyos fajtájú, bizonyos alakú nőre ha ránézek, egyszerűen jön ez a szexuális energia és "uaaaa". Ezt igen könnyű megérteni, és valójában ezt mindig megkérdőjeleztem magamban, mert bizonyos állapotokban ez volt, bizonyos állapotokban egyszerűen képes voltam a lényt látni, tehát a nőben látni  önmagam, mint a lény, tehát, hogy a szemébe nézni és nem rabul ejtődve mondjuk a külső testére, hiszen abban a pillanatban lehet, hogy nem is számít, hiszen éppen beszél hozzám, mond valamit és akkor az számít, amit mond, ahogyan mondja, nem az, ahogyan a teste mondjuk megformálódott.
És, hogy nincs avval semmi baj, ha a testére fókuszálok, csak nem tetszik az, amikor automatikusan befolyásolódok, egyszerűen akkor irányítódok a körülmények által és ez nagyon-nagyon kevés embernek tűnt fel körülöttem, még akkor sem, amikor mondtam.
Ezért nekem az önmegbocsátás valójában igen jó és hatékony módszernek kezdett bizonyulni arra, hogy egyszerűen azokat a következményeket és már meglévő, idáig nem realizált felelősségeket, amiket láttam magamban, egyszerűen kiírjam magamból és a gyakorlat nagyon egyszerű - valójában ez nem is egy gyakorlat, hanem ez már maga az önmegismerés és a realizáció fizikai útja, mert ahogyan leírom magamban, hogy megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól beismerni, hogy ez a szexuális vágy például egyszerűen időnként elrabolja a jelenlétem, időnként kiszakít a fizikai jelenlétből, ami szintén csak körülményekhez kötött - tehát,hogy megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy bizonyos körülmények között, bizonyos fajtájú, külsejű, bizonyos rezgésű, bizonyos hangulatú nőkre egyszerűen automatikusan egyfajta szexuális vággyal szembesülök. S aztán ez ez egy réteg.
Következő réteg pedig, hogy megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy felismerjem, hogy ezt elfojtom magamban.
Például, amikor  a párommal együtt vagyok és tudom jól, hogy őt zavarná, úgymond féltékenység vagy önbizalomhiány lépne fel benne, ha mondjuk én ott a szeme láttára egyszerűen kifejezném ezt a szexuális vágyat másfajta nők felé - mondjuk úgy, hogy ezt a párommal előtte nem beszéltük meg, nem tisztáztuk le, nem állapodtunk meg abban, hogy mi a legjobb a kettőnknek és azt nem tartjuk be; és ha automatikusan belemegyek ilyen reakciókba, valójában olyan felelősségpontoknak vagyok "nem tudatában", amiknek a következményei gyakorlatilag visszafordíthatatlanok.
És ezekkel szembesülvén, valójában az önmegbocsátással egyszerűen ráébredek a már elfogadott és megengedett felelősségekre, amit idáig nem akartam észrevenni, hogy valójában az én felelősségem, hogy részt veszek benne, hogy nem próbálom meg megérteni, hogy nem próbálom meg leállítani.
Egyfajta tudatosodás, szó szerinti tudatára ébredése annak, hogy mi van.

És például a mantra meditációban, amikor "ombenza szato szamaja brrr szama szbrrbrbrbr " - amikor ezt mondom, nem szó szerint ébredek tudatára magamnak, hanem ebben meditálok, közben vannak dolgok, amiket így képzelek, vagy egyszerűen elhelyezek, vagy nem tudom mi, vagy így a buddha, úgy a buddha, oké - de ezekkel a közvetlen szavakkal, amik közvetlenül gondolatokként jönnek fel bennem, közvetlenül, direktbe, SZÓ SZERINT tudatára ébredek azoknak az automatikus folyamatoknak, amik belém lettek programozva, vagy a családom gyerekkoromban által, vagy önmagam; a filmek; a regények; a vágyálmok vagy az iskolában történtek alapján, amikoris még nem voltam teljesen kifejlett, úgymond "önbizalommal teli" teljes személy, hanem féltem, reakciók voltak bennem, nem voltam magamba biztos, mégis valahogy helyt kellett álljak, és azokban a pillanatokban hoztam bizonyos döntéseket, ismételtem bizonyos gondolatokat, amik egyszerűen szokássá váltak, amiknek most nem vagyok a tudatában, mégis bizonyos helyzetekben irányít, mégis bizonyos helyzetekben kiszámíthatóvá tesz, és valójában azt eredményezi, hogy befolyásolnak ezek a pillanatban, valójában irányítanak bizonyos pillanatokban, úgy, ami nem a legjobb számomra, úgy, ami nem a legjobb a többi résztvevő, mondjuk az a nő, akire ránézek és egyszerűen elkülönítem magam evvel a szexuális vággyal, evvel a szexuális fantáziálással magamban, hogy "ó de jó lenne, meg ú mit lehetne, meg hmm hmm", és valójában azokban a pillanatokban nem vagyok jelen, hanem ismétlődik a program, beakadt a tű a lemezjátszón. Ugyanaz és és ugyanaz ismétlődik. És valójában addig lehet, hogy közöl velem valamit az a lény - lány-lény s nem vagyok a tudatában, mert egyszerűen elsodornak azok a reakciók, amik belülről törnek fel automatikusan a külsö körülmények által.

Ezekre az önmegbocsátást úgy kezdtem el gyakorolni, hogy volt bizonyos pár dolog az életemben, amiket szó szerint úgy könyveltem el magamban, hogy nem tudok magamnak megbocsátani.
Amiket direkt, nyilvánvalóan és azonnal tudtam, amikor megtettem, hogy nem volt szép, ezek csúnya dolgok voltak és ezeket igazából egy ilyen kis zárba magamban eltemettem legbelül, és ott bent, ot igazából ha oda valahogy bejutottam, valahogy kinyílt, vagy reagáltam vagy feljött vagy ráasszociáltam, nem volt jó érzés, mert tudtam mindig, hogy olyanokat tettem, ami nem volt fer, nem volt jó, ha úgy tetszik: gonosz - nem gonoszság, de valahogy negatív volt. Ez pontosan kettő ilyen darab volt az életemben, amikkel így éreztem, és bőven elég volt ahhoz, hogy sosem merjek úgy abszolút tökéletesen, békében akárkinek a szemébe nézni.
Az egyik az volt, mikor a kutyám láncra volt kötve kiskoromban és egy bottal játszottam és valahogy megijedt. Lehet, hogy véletlenül bántottam, de nem, inkább az volt, hogy játszottam a bottal és próbáltam poénra venni valamit, és a kutyám megijedt, egy pumi, Buksi, teljesen mindegy és a kutyám megijedt és megharapta a lábamat. Nem volt komoly, nem volt igazából - egy icipicit talán volt egy kis vér, lejött a bőr, megharapott ijedtében és látszott, hogy azon nyomban meghunyászkodik és megbánta ő is és nem volt jó, de egyszerűen annyira megijesztettem, hogy előhozta ezt benne, megharapott, én meg akkor annyira dühös lettem, hogy fogtam egy botot és ütöttem vele és megütöttem a kutyámat, amikor teljesen ki volt szolgáltatva nekem és valójában amint megtettem, éreztem, hogy ezt nem kellett volna, ez nem volt szép dolog és valójában ez egy nyomot hagyott bennem, nem voltam túl idős, tizen, maximum középiskola lehetett.
És valójában akkor úgy éreztem, hogy ezt nem kellett volna megtenni de már nincs visszaút és valójában - sok-sok valójában, mert valójában az van, ami történt, hogy megütöttem, amikor nem kellett volna és csúnyán bántam vele és ez zavart, és ez sokszor zavart, időnként feljött, de képes voltam elfojtani magamba igen mélyre, hogy ez ne befolyásoljon általában, de úgymond "gyengébb" pillanataimban néha eszembe jutott, és mindig azt éreztem, hogy nem tudok megbocsátani magamnak ezzel kapcsolatban.
Egy másik dolog az volt, amikor a párommal egyszer Pesten egy boltba voltunk, egy abc-ben és annyira feszült voltam, valószínű munka után, fáradt, ingerült és kérdezősködött és nem akart rosszat, de annyira úgy definiáltam, hogy felcseszte az agyamat, valójában én idegesedtem fel, hogy feszültségemet nem tudtam máshogy levezetni, hogy így dühömben fizikailag bántottam őt és olyan helyen tettem ezt, hogy utána egy hétig mondott, hogy fáj neki.  És az volt a második olyan dolog életem során, amit azt éreztem, hogy nem volt fer, nem tudtam magamnak megbocsátani. És ő megbocsátott nekem, ő továbblépett ezen, de valójában magamnak nem igazán. Ezáltal úgy éreztem, hogy ez a két pont, akármennyit is meditáltam, akármennyit is próbáltam bizonyos módszereket, amíg nem szembesültem a Desteni-módszerekkel, nem tudtam úgymond egy szintre emelkedni ezekkel, nem tudtam eggyé és egyenlővé válni azzal, amit tettem, hogy aztán képes legyek megbocsátani magamnak szó szerint.
Ezért hát az önmegbocsátást, Jack a fórumon javasolta egyszerűen, az elején hónapokig olvastam  a már meglévő tananyagot, amit irdatlan sok dolgot toltak fel a netre, amiket egy maréknyi ember írt akkoriban 2007-ben. Hónapokig tartott, míg elolvastam és az interjúkat meghallgattam.
És aztán elkezdtem írni. Elkezdtem írni az életemről, hogy magam elé tudjam tenni, ahogy javasolták, mert ez tetszett ez a megbocsátás dolog, mert valójában szó szerint ezen akadtam be, hogy nem tudtam megbocsátani bizonyos dolgokban magamnak, ezért ezzel kezdtem.
Leírtam a kutyával kapcsolatban, leírtam a volt párommal kapcsolatban, hogy miért nem tudtam megbocsátani magamnak, és mit nem tudtam megbocsátani magamnak és valójában mi történt bennem és minél többet írtam magamról, annál jobban láttam a körülményeket, a külső feltételeket, amikre reagáltam belül, amilyen voltam.
És minél többet írtam róla, annál jobban megismertem azt a helyzetet, amiben ezt elkövettem. És minél többet írtam erről, annál jobban feltártam magamban a kiindulópontját annak, amiért tettem. És igazából az, hogy még mindig hibáztatom és elítélem magamat, egyszerűen azt mutatja, hogy valójában nem változtam meg, mert ha megváltoztam volna, nem zavarna többé, hanem tanultam a hibámból, továbbléptem.
De erre képtelen voltam, amíg nem tudatosítottam, amíg valójában nem néztem szembe a következményekkel, hogy mit tettem, ezért az önmegbocsátás erre igen hatékonynak bizonyult.
Képes voltam szembenézni magammal és az önmegbocsátást arra alkalmazni, amit úgy definiáltam előtte, hogy képtelen lennék megbocsátani magamnak.

Tehát ez volt az első olyan dolog, amikor én magam szembenéztem dolgokkal és én magam eldöntöttem, milyen irányba akarok változni és én magam tettem érte és én magam használtam egy módszert, teljesen, szó szerint tudatosan arra, hogy egyszerűen valóban meghaladjam, transzcendáljam azt, ami ott és akkor történt és, hogy képes legyek annyira látni, hogy bízhassak magamban, hogy soha többé nem teszem ezt meg, mert valójában megbántam, de ahhoz írnom kellett és le kellett írnom a megbocsátást és ki kellett mondjam a megbocsátást, a hangomban érezni kellett fizikailag a rezgést, a határozottságot, hogy megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, azt, hogy a kutyámat megütöttem, amikor ki volt szolgáltatva nekem és én megijedtem és haragos voltam és frusztrált fiatalkoromban és valahol le akartam ezt vezetni, és, hogy az iskolában engem igen sokan szívattak, mert más voltam, mint a többi, mert vékony voltam, fehérbőrű, mert nem voltam beszédes, mert folyton járt az agyam, satöbbi, satöbbi és ezért felgyülemlettek bennem ezek az energiák, amiket hirtelen olyan irányba adtam le, ami látszólag egy jó ötletnek tűnt abban a pillanatban és azon nyomban, mikor megtettem, kiderült, hogy nem, tehát ezt végig kellett járnom és ezt a pár dolgot én végigjártam és azt láttam, hogy megszabadulok.
Nem konkrétan szabadulok meg, hogy elképzelem, hogy misztikus dimenziókban szabadság van vagy meditálok azon, vagy gyakorlom a szabadság érzését, hanem egyszerűen azt tapasztaltam, hogy a tudatomban ott az így kienged. Tehát egyfajta lazaság, egyfajta belső csend lépett fel.
Addig írtam a megbocsátást evvel kapcsolatban, addig írtam, amíg egyszerűen már nem jött ki több, amikor már egyszerűen képes voltam csak itt lenni, és nem volt reakció, nem jött több gondolat. Kiírtam minden gondolatot, addig írtam, amíg csak jött, és aztán egyszercsak azt vettem észre, hogy oké, nincs több. Most ebben a pillanatban üres vagyok. Most ebben a pillanatban tiszta vagyok.
És ez volt az, ami elkezdett az önmegbocsátás felé úgymond úgy vinni, hogy képes legyek bízni ebben, de nem mint egy különálló módszerben, hanem, mint saját magamban.

Hasonlóképpen fogom folytatni. Köszönöm."

Mindenféle nyelven írnak emberek minden nap arról, hogy is változnak meg a Journey to Life csoportban, akinek bárki tagja lehet - már az támogató lehet, hogy ha valaki beleolvas ezekbe és felismer egy-egy mintát magában, ami nem őszinte saját magával, a világ máris valóban jobb irányba halad, köszönöm!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

[JTL 28] Self-forgiveness fear from consequences: crying

Stopping all mind-fear-desire-based relationships within and without what is not best for all - like this:

I've written some time ago some self-forgiveness about myself crying, but this one is the opposite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally when hearing and seeing someone is crying and she/he says that it is because of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself when somebody is crying in front of me or in the phone and within that blame forgetting everything I am all aware of because of this intense experience of remorse and regret and blame towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from somebody is crying in front of me and making it obvious that it is because of me, what I did or what I did not do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in fact really I've caused the reason for why the person is crying in front of me and stating that it is because of me - and within the fear of I might be responsible - in fact I do lose awareness as inner silence+empty mind+breathing here within self-judgment and reactions towards words without even being aware of that I am losing presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that someone who is crying could stop crying and everything would become solved within a single moment just because I want so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from someone is crying in front of me who is an adult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that when children cry, that is normal, therefore by the definition of 'when children cry is normal' I am not aware of any inner disturbing within and also the reason for why the child cries, regardless of why is crying for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad automatically when somebody is crying what I perceive as I can not help stopping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound energies within myself so much by reacting towards crying that from a moment I want to do anything to just stop the person crying and not realizing that within that starting point I am not for solution, but for stopping the experience within myself to stop what I've defined as not good and I can not direct within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad according to the feelings I experience within myself without questions.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that within not questioning the experiences within myself - I am automatically reacting to circumstances, situations, people, events and basically anything what my senses process throughout my mind, my brain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to solve, stop, remove the already manifested consequence such as somebody crying; only because of my inner reactions towards the intensity of experiencing consequence, such as crying and my reactions towards it as too much and as 'not good' - instead of realizing that this does not SOLVE the problem, only the currently sensible consequence I want to stop experiencing.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not face the core of the manifested consequence, the reason how and why it happened - I do not stop it manifesting, only I put effort to stop experiencing it for a while for my interest.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing from experiencing manifested consequences, such as somebody is crying to me and saying that I am causing this, and wanting to do anything what stops that - I am not solving the problem within the interest of all participants here equally, meaning the person who experiences suffering and crying and me who experience the crying through self-judgments and through reactions and self-definitions such as 'not good' and in fact I only consider myself when wanting to stop the cry just to stop facing the consequence, to want to stop being directly aware of my direct responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've defined myself automatically responsible and in fact feeling some sort of self-defined 'guilt' when somebody is crying 'to me' - and not realizing that at times it is might not be 'me, myself' only who is responsible but the person who is reacting to something, what is being exerted as crying - but within the self-judgment I do see only myself as responsible, fallen, guilty and not considering the other's responsibility as well and within that moment I forget everything, I forget what is my source, I forget what is my presence, I forget what is my direction, I forget myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to form any relationship with anybody who wants me to take the relationship 'seriously', who wants me to be part of 'her' life because of the fear that I might do something what with I am causing the other experience some sort of pain and within that will go into a crying to me that I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be seriously taken in any form of relationship because within self-judgment I've defined myself as irresponsible and untrustworthy and not somebody who can be trusted because of the experiences I've defined within regarding to somebody is crying to me that I am responsible for that suffering and cry yet I am not sure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want myself to - in fact desire myself not to be responsible for any crying around me, because I've defined myself within the experiences of 'being cried to' as I am a bad person because the person told me and then I've reacted to it with fear that it might be like that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a bad person because somebody is crying to me multiple times when I stick to the words what I speak because those words I've taken seriously and by that I've defined myself as somehow 'defined and protected' from being taken seriously within and without a relationship, only being taken seriously as the words 'should not be taken seriously'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act exactly the words I speak equal as one with my actions and therefore somebody who would only look my actions what are not exactly the same what I speak - might misunderstand my words - and vice versa - when I am doing something what is not exactly the same as I say - and then if someone would take my words then would experience me differently within action than what I've said.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that participating within the inner reactions as accepting and following thoughts, feelings and emotions I forget the principle of 'what I speak is what I act as equal as one' because within action I react with what I've defined myself as within fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that within reacting to fear I might not need to to fear anymore because the reaction towards my self-defined, self-created self-experienced fear would stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my 'virtual location' within my mind wherein my perceived 'presence' as a pointer within consciousness system, I can experience myself as one thing at a time within duality, within self-definition, and in that time only that - in front of the everything else what is undefined within polarity and within a chain-reaction of self-definition line - I am reacting to my pre-programmed personality by reflecting back to myself who I've defined myself to be and not realizing that it is a program, and within that program I completely disregard the wholeness of Life as my human physical body, as the silent and empty mind within action as all other beings within and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined the self-definition system within as precious what I've defined as it is always with me, even at times when everything seems very difficult and intense and not what I can define as 'good' - so then within the self-definition self-created inner chain-reaction - I am occupied, I am energetic, I am fast - and within fast inner reaction system I experience some sort of vibration and resonance and within that resonance I can be angry and raging and totally giving myself into that because apparently there is no consequence and I can let go everything of me without here within physical reality manifesting consequences - and not realizing that this is exactly the way I diminish myself from here as physical yet still manifesting the inner reactions as physical consequences - exactly manifesting what I've defined I am in a 'fearful relationship within'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself for what I do - instead of simply stop and change - and within the automatic self-defined reactions I do not even consider changing because within myself as mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions I always change, I always evolve, I always combine and mutate and within that I define myself because in reality, within the physical all what I experience is nothing of me really changing, only with enormous effort of energy involvement and that only for so long as long giving the energy into what I 'create within my mind'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I stop giving energy into the system - the system stops - and if I maintain an experience of myself based on energy - then when the energy is over - then that experience of myself is also gone.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within pursuing good feelings and energy in fact I am gathering and accumulating energy to balance out the energies within what I've defined as 'negative' and 'bad' - and within self-definition of energetic addiction I am lost within this occupation and not realizing that direct physical change does not require any energy but simple and dedicated decision and then living to that in all moments until it is here and remaining absolutely aware of that point as myself as decision as the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with someone who with I always manifest the same circumstances what I've defined as 'good for me' and not realizing how exactly manifesting the feelings of 'good' and 'bad' and within the cycles of pursuing one and avoiding the other - in fact I am inside reacting to specific self-defined reactions one after an other, many times but within self-definition, at a time always reacting to something with a specific one and that is automatic and within that reaction the energy I experience I accumulate and compound and with that energy I shift perception and continue inner reactions and within the constant inner reactions I am automatically reacting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the equal and one relationship for what I exactly participate within reality meanwhile experiencing certain specific inner reactions within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and project the responsibility of myself out for the one who is experiencing the consequences of my starting point and within blaming her(or him) - I am able to blame myself and within self-blame I react inside and within that losing direct presence within reaction in fact I lose the awareness of what I actually do with what starting point in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop blame in each moments I participate within by the hope that this time I will not be exposed and in the hope that it might be true if I do it with confidence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I use blame towards others the same ways as I use blame towards myself for instance blaming someone for an experience I have about not doing what speaking and not realizing that the starting point of such act is that I blame myself for not speaking and acting equal and one the same always and sometimes taking my words granted yet my actions are not equal and one and that I define as 'shit' and then wanting to solve it but within reacting to thoughts and feelings and emotions - I am not aware of the fact that it is from blame to myself - and then meanwhile experiencing somebody else as well - then I blame the person because meanwhile I react to the person as well - and it's like there is always only 'one subject' of my mind - and I have the subject of 'myself' within self definition in a moment and when experiencing something about or with someone and then I am in the 'context' of self-blame - and then I react to something what somebody else says/does - while still within self-blame - and then I see that I am physically in the context of 'somebody else' - and the inner reactions are so automatic, so fast that then I do not see that under my conscious-ness - I've switched 'subject' of my self-definition - but the blame not - therefore blaming the other for what I experience, however I am directly responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within and then becoming angry at myself because since from the beginning I had a slight fear that this would manifest and then I reacted to that with fear that there is a chance and saying 'probability' and 'possibility' of 'experiencing anger towards myself' while in fact I had the fear of might manifesting such - but as I've previously defined myself as 'no fear' - I did not want to face the fact that I did lie to myself about in fact I fear but within not seeing it in the moment because of constant inner occupation within thoughts, feelings and emotions - I make myself believe that therefore I do not fear, and from that I define myself as somebody 'who does not fear' - and then comparing and trying to aligning that to reality what obviously at times will not work and then I will be anxious and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not learn from events when this crying thing hits me and I am reacting to, learning meaning that realizing the self-dishonesty within and deciding to stop participate and then really stopping participating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that this crying is not going to happen simply because I really do not want to experience it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that if I want to avoid emotional bursts, I should stick to writing daily and focus and discipline myself really stopping because as I see the emotional bursts of an other is showing me what I accept and allow within and without as equal and one therefore I am not effective within stopping this particular pattern.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not stopping this particular pattern what is causing emotional bursts what causing the other in crying like a pattern and my self-judgment and anger and wanting to stop the crying and wanting to escape from it because I do not want to really change my pattern towards this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to leave the circumstances what cause this particular pattern to manifest because of self-definitions I've 'put' into as how much worthy this relationship means to me and not considering what is the result as being unstable, inconsistent, reactive and in fact self-judgmental within the starting point of fear from facing consequence, facing really the pattern of how exactly being responsible such manifestations not for myself only but for other participants as well.
I forgive myself that sometimes I am expecting people around me to be stable and consistent and trustworthy and not realizing that within these situations when I am within self-judgment regarding to crying, in fact I am not consistent, not stable and not trustworthy as I am busy reacting to the consequence what I want to stop such as the other is crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be absolutely self-honest with myself in all moments and even if so, then at times forgetting that I do not want to be with somebody who cries that easily or if really me, myself causing this directly then I do not want to be responsible for that because in the moment I directly see that I am not effective within stopping that, so I do want to 'return' to the least conflict to experience within my life and use the tools of daily writing to stabilize myself for a while without the need and desires for a sexual relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I've manifested it is mine and I can not escape and within that wanting to correct it, wanting to solve it, and wanting to re- and re-turn to this relationship again and again and again wanting to fix it, wanting to change it and not realizing that until I do not change myself within, the relationship will remain the same.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to change my attitude and starting point towards relationships, and this one particular meanwhile being within it as at times the reactions are still faster than my self-direction and then I am becoming more reactive than directive and then causing something what makes the other crying what makes me extremely difficult to remain stable within my application because I question myself and the relationship and the other again and again and again and within common sense I simply want to stop this madness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the other participant of this relationship wants me to remain within the relationship regardless of what I experience, regardless of what she experiences and when asking why then 'because I love you' makes me nuts and wanting to just run away as far as I can and then I go into the pattern of guilt and remorse and then not realizing that I do not slow down and in fact speed up within self-judgments and reactions and emotions and in that moment I do not use common sense what is simply stop the relationship, stop the cause for self-judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to thoughts for why I should rebound this relationship with the person who I do not see common sensically practical to walk with simply because of the fear from not being sure, fearing making one more mistake what would again cause the other crying and then I would have to face that again and fearing then that in that facing I might go into self-judgments that much so then I feel the guilt and the desire for trying it again and then I might try it again to be in the relationship what has proven since some years now that is not effective, not really supporting within physical stabilization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to going into a relationship where is no agreement, where is no guarantee that emotional storms will not happen, or if so then directed, walked according to a principle of what is best for all participants.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go into a relationship what clearly did not work ever within the hope that the 'relationship' could be transformed into a supporting agreement.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the fear from relationship about what it would end up being as emotional shitstorms - I've taken granted the part of myself, an aspect of myself what is directing me to go into the same pattern again and again and again and not really taking responsibility for myself directly seeing how exactly I am responsible for such pattern and then simply realizing that I am separating myself from myself within the fear from going into a relationship what is not principled walk as equals - in fact I am manifesting the exact same thing instead of deciding to simply directing myself to remain within my decision to not rebound such a thing within a real, constant, stable, without energies decision what I can stand within and without unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within acting out based on self-judgment I have the tendency of going into the pattern of wanting to feel good what has been one of the primary occupation I always did: entertainment within I can calm myself and occupy myself to let go, to enjoy myself for a moment and within enjoyment 'breaking the spell' of self-judgment and then wanting to continue my process of letting go and not realizing that this pattern is not direct self here but of and as pattern what is not directly me but a some sort of compromise and by that in fact not walking as principle when it really matters, when I've walked into self-abdication and then forgetting the very thing what limits me, the self-judgment for not changing until the whole circle manifests again and then facing it again with the same starting point - instead of realizing that when I experience self-dishonesty, in the moment I re-align, in the moment I change, in the moment I stabilize myself without the need for 'letting the steam out', going into a self-defined enjoyment as entertainment for a moment to 'rest' what is also a polarity manifestation of and as the mind through feelings, thoughts, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as seeking and doing entertainment when I forget myself as principle as life as what is best for all and for myself as equal as one and walk the mind as myself into inner silence through using the tools as writing in self-honesty, writing, saying and LIVING self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statements and in the moment of physical participation when it really MATTERs, really changing without fear from unknown, without fear from changing and fearing from consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing consequences of changing and fear from facing the unknown what is undefined and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to define everything because within the energetic reaction within self-definition I have an energy what I can apparently use for my mind to fuel 'good' feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to automatically deny and define as difficult to walk through when apparently facing energies what I've linked to, defined as, judged like negative within the fear of being tainted and transformed and changed by energies what are apparently 'negative'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being defined by others as bad and negative when I am facing energies what seem to be as 'negative' and 'dark' and simply questioning its origin and how I am participating within the responsibility of creating and separating such entities and energies what direct me and the reality around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being a negative and bad person when questioning good feelings and what is the reason for such occupations within the principle of equality and oneness and the unification of man here within and as the physical.

I'll continue with Self-correction

&& What I enjoyed recently, and always, is this series at EQAFE: